Booyakasha.
Check it!
People has been readin' books for millions of years.
But thanks to new technology,
now they is able to write them as well.
That's why I is off to new york
to sell some book ideas. Bo!
I has written a romance book.
The title is
a kiss on the lips.
Not those ones, you dirty devil.
Normal ones.
Who knows hos more than anyone else in the world?
Me.
This is written from a man
who has boned over 6 bitches.
And 9, if you include fingers and thumbs.
It's called the crown.
The story is this:
Some terrorists
come into the u.K.
And they manage to stick a grenade
up the queen's punani.
And like, I is got 48 hours to get it out.
Now, I didn't quite hear what you said.
Where has this bomb been hidden?
In her punay.
That's a little... that's a little bit off, uh, off-kilter.
That's more of a thriller espionage,
and I do primarily science fiction.
All right, well, I can set it, like, on a spaceship.
Does you know how much money
the film lord of the rings has made?
I have no idea.
Literally, thousands of dollars.
Hundreds, millions of dollars.
Me is gonna write a book version
of the film lord of the rings.
But there is a book called the lord of the rings.
The... the movie was based on a book
called lord of the rings.
Problem is, when bitches is reading it on the bus
or in the library,
them don't have the privacy to strum their own banjo.
You know? Flick their own baked bean.
Yeah.
So, the answer is that this book
stimulate not only the mind,
but also the punani.
How ? I'll show you.
It vibrate.
I would say this would be a first in publishing.
I've never heard of anything like this.
Here is the story.
It start off,
president bush and his missus, laura,
they is openin' a swimmin' pool.
She sees the lifeguard.
She look at his face. Nice.
She look at his bling. Nice.
She look at his dong. Very nice.
We is all heard of world war ii.
But did you know
that a few years before that
was something called world war I?
Yeah, sure.
I has got new interviews with germans
and that is gonna, like, throw a whole new light on the whole thing.
Contemporary germans?
No doubt.
They was, uh, students staying at me mate ricky c's mom's house.
Me asked one of the girls if her granddad was arnold hitler.
You know the one with the small "tache."
Yeah, I know who hitler is.
No doubt.
'Cause she had, like, you know, a similar one on her...
So me was chatting to her, and the moment me said it,
she get up, put her panties back on,
and I ain't never heard from her since.
Explain that.
You'd have to explain it. I couldn't explain it.
She speak like this: "I can't think like this!
"Me husband is the most powerfullest man
"in the whole world, probably.
"The only reason him went and did that war with iraq
"was 'cause I made one comment
about what saddam hussein's cock must be like."
Interesting.
I've got one other book idea.
What is that?
I is gonna write
president bush's autobiography.
You're goin' to write his biography.
Autobiography.
Well, yeah, ok.
Why would he even consider listenin' to you?
3 words.
$5,000
cash.
That means nothing to him.
All right. $5 billion.
Where are you goin' to get $5 billion?
That's where you comes in.
Is you up for handin' over some cash?
Well, I think the... the most...
You're not gonna like that figure 'cause it's so low.
At this point, the only figure,
the only amount I could... could possibly give you
is, uh, $50 to sign this book.
I'll take it.
And we start with a... a laugh.
You're laughing at something, as if I have said something very funny.
And then I will speak to the camera.
So, and then we did that!
Oh, hello.
Uh, also, so today we're gonna do a fun little puzzle show.
It's called in oder aus. I like that.
It means "in or... or... or out. " Yes. In or out.
# in, in, in, in. Out, out, out, out #
# in #
# oder aus #
# in aus in aus in aus in aus #
# in oder aus #
charlize theron, in or out of the balloon?
In the balloon.
Ok, why?
Because she just won the oscar.
Because no one really knew much about her before,
and because it was an independent film.
Uh, ricky martin, keep him in the ghetto
or train to auschwitz?
Hmm, keep him in the ghetto.
Uh, why?
I just... I like him.
So, burt reynolds, keep him in the ghetto
or train to auschwitz?
Auschwitz.
Liza minnelli, do you wish her a benign tumor
or a malignant tumor?
A- actually, maybe malignant with... with a bomb
to drop on top of her.
So, jack black, would you give him candy or cancer?
Cancer.
Why?
I don't want to feed him.
Exactly.
Oh, that is so bitchy. I love that.
So we're going to look at some of the pictures
from the golden globes and the oscars.
Ok, first up, who have we got?
Renee zellweger.
So what do you think of this outfit?
I think it's pretty.
I think it's really safe.
Um, I think
like the whole "nice thing" just doesn't, doesn't work.
Ok, you wanna slam her?
Yeah. So, ok, renee zellweger,
what do you think of that outfit?
Well, I... I think she just looks like hell.
I... I... I just, you know,
she should be pushin' up her breasts
and, uh, showing a little bit more cleavage.
Ok, let's see the next one.
What do you think of that? Peter jackson.
What's this? He's showin' up looking like crap.
He looks shit.
And he looks like crap.
That's right. And you've had 9-11.
Where you've had a massive attack on america,
and then you have this.
I think he's... It's like a second...
Like not as big, but it's like a kind of mini 9-11.
Yeah, he's a fashion terrorist.
Sure. Ok, guys, gotta get it up.
Like, swear like "fuck it." You say "fuck" or like...
So, ok, who have we got next?
Paris hilton.
Oh, my god! This is disgusting.
I mean, who'd wanna fuck that?
We obviously know that she got where she is because of her money.
It's not because she's got any class.
Right.
She has no class at all.
She comes off like a royal bitch.
As this... as...
We need to have more...
Right. No, no, no. As this channel is, like, part-owned
by the... the hilton group...
Now you tell us. Well, that's why I was...
Forget it. We'll do that again.
Ok, who's next?
Oh, yeah. Great, paris hilton!
What do you think of her?
Hot! Here is a star.
Now, here's a star.
This is how every girl on the red carpet should dress.
Why do you think she's so respected in america?
Uh, I... I love everything there is about the... the hilton family.
And I just... I just think she's great.
Diggity, check yourself before you wreck yourself,
'cause I be here with none other than my man, john naber.
Him be president of the u.S. Olympians.
And today we is chattin' about none other than the olympics.
The olympics is well important, isn't it?
It seems to be the one thing that holds the world together
in the world of sport.
Aye. So, where is the olympics bein' held this year?
In athens, greece.
In greece? Yeah.
Why is it being held in a,
excuse my french, bit of a crap country?
The... the city of athens was the city
where the very first modern olympics was ever held
in 1896.
So, what other type of olympics is there?
The only other type of olympics I know of is something called
the special olympics.
Is the prize money really bad for the special olympics?
Because, uh, I has seen some of them,
and without bein' disrespectful or anythin',
a lot of the contestants seemed a bit spasticated.
Yeah, they are.
But the level there is pretty low.
I mean, they ain't, you know...
I mean, I reckon I could beat a lot of 'em.
Well, you... you probably could.
Me heard there is drug testing at the olympics.
There sure is. Is that true?
Yes. Is that the bestest event?
Uh, drug testing in the olympics
is basically, they take some urine from the athletes
and they run it through a machine aye.
That detects if there's any drugs in there.
So what does you do to them
if you finds they's been taking drugs?
You kick 'em out.
Why does you disqualify them
if them is on drugs?
I mean, if anything, surely you should be giving them a head start.
'Cause I know if I is like totally mashed,
I can hardly be asked to get off the sofa,
let alone walk to the fridge.
Yeah. Yeah, if they... Let alone do a race.
That's a good point.
If it was recreational drugs,
they should give them a head start.
So,
is you upset that you can buy olympic medals?
Where can you buy them? Oh, like on ebay?
Oh, no, like me nan bought me one from egham market
near staines where me live,
for, like, "best grandson."
Ain't that wrong?
Well, I would doubt that you could buy an olympic medal.
You can buy a medal... No, it was an olympic one.
It had all the signs and all that, and it said "best grandson."
Oh, well, I... I... I don't think it was a real olympic medal
because the real olympic medals
don't say "best grandson."
So, who did win the olympic medal for "best grandson"?
I don't think they have that as an event.
Like they don't have rapping.
They don't have "best grandson."
Well, this was definitely proper medal,
and me nan said it was real.
Well, I'm not telling your nan she's a liar.
I'm just telling her I've never seen it.
Is most world records set at the olympics?
It's hard to say.
Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
Was the world record for the tallest man
set at the olympics?
No.
The world's record for the tallest man
is not an olympic competition.
That's just a guinness book of world records' record.
So what about the record for the longest mustache?
No, no, that was not an olympic sport either.
Somebody said it-it-it's possible to be the world's tallest midget,
but how do you know?
What ? Well, you measure them, innit?
Yeah, but... but how do you know the world's tallest midget?
Well, you'd have to... With a ruler, innit?
Yeah, but how do you know what makes a midget?
Maybe I'm the world's tallest midget. Am I?
No, midgets is like the small blokes.
Right. So how do you become the world's tallest midget?
I don't know. With diet and, uh, how you eat.
Well, what makes a midget a midget?
The fact that they're short?
Which one is midgets?
Is them the ones that is like same things,
or is them the ones with the big dongs?
Uh, I don't know, but I think they're short.
So what's your point?
My point is that it's hard to reward somebody
for being the way they were born.
Yo, total respek. Thank you.
Eagle, you're looking great. Coming up 9 minutes.
Wagwan.
Politics.
Everyone has heard the word.
But what does it really mean?
I don't know,
but the people around here knows.
Is democracy all that?
I think one of the famous politicians,
winston churchill, once said that, uh...
Something like,
that democracy is the worst form of government
except for all the others.
That's right.
I think what he meant...
That's right.
I think what he meant was...
Whoa!
That's... that's what he said. It's the worst form of government
except for all the others.
The others?
Others like dictatorships and totalit...
He was talking about hitler and stalin
and sort of comparing what it was like to live in these other systems
that didn't have democracy.
But, in england we don't have democracy,
and we do all right.
England is a democracy. You have democracy. It's just different.
You just carry it out differently.
Well, does you live there?
I've lived there, in england. I've lived there, too.
I lived there all me life, so I knows more than you.
You know a lot more.
Ok, I'm sure you do.
You know, like, england is part of great britain.
Yes.
All right, where's the capital?
The capital of which?
Of england.
Of england?
Uh, london is what I thought was the capital.
All right, all right, so you does know your stuff.
So, why does so few young people vote?
Part of it is that they don't... Either they don't believe
that their vote matters.
They've got other things that they want to do with their time.
Wouldn't it be more better instead of havin' to vote in age,
just sayin', "all right, if you has got pubes, you can vote."
I, uh, I, you know, I, I...
I'd be willing to try it in some smaller way,
first as an experiment, in something like that
and seeing if we did that, how that would work.
What does you think, professor?
Could you do that and just say,
"yo, if you's got pubes, you can vote.
If you can't, you ain't an adult."
Well, one of the questions is how do you prove that?
Well, I check the girls, all right?
Regardless of what anybody says about you,
when you reach 18, you can vote.
But why 18? As we say on the street,
"if there's grass on the pitch, let's play."
But that has nothing to do with you being responsible for yourself.
Does you not agree if there is fluff on the muff then she is old enough?
I... I, uh, I suppose, you know, in some way,
uh, if you're... If you're saying
if a person is able to have a child,
uh, does that person get to be able to vote?
Shouldn't clever people get to vote more times than stupid people?
'Cause I don't see any reason why I should get the same amount of votes
as somebody who's an ignoramus.
I... I think that's a question
that has challenged people for, you know, hundreds of years.
And so no, the answer to your question is no.
Is it true that more people vote
for the winner of american idol than vote for the president?
All I know is that about half the people
who could vote for president vote and about half don't.
So, legally should ruben studdard be president?
Ok, you have to remember, on american idol,
you can sit there at your phone all day
and call every second. Ok.
It's not one vote, one person.
Does you think it's 'cause he's black he ain't president?
No.
It's different than being president.
It is much different.
And, of course, people in the entertainment arena have become president.
Ronald reagan was a big hollywood star.
It's just happened again.
Arnold schwarzenegger, who was a big movie star,
uh, his entire life,
he started out and ran for governor.
Weightlifter, too, remember?
You's got it wrong.
He probably played a role in a movie
where he was a governor.
He didn't actually become a governor.
That is, it's make-believe.
No, he actually did become a governor.
No, no, no. Just because he plays the terminator, it don't mean he is it.
I used to think that he was the terminator.
And, then, when I saw him in a different film,
in kindergarten cop, me realized that obviously him weren't.
He is now governor of california.
Honestly, I'm not lying to you.
So, who's your guy that you hope is gonna get president now?
Uh, kerry, john kerry. I'm supporting him.
But ain't that ridiculous, I mean,
he's a very good actor.
He was good in pet detective, whatever,
but why should he have the right to be president?
Oh, you're... you're thinking about jim carrey.
Well, whatever, you say jim.
We say jim. Whatever.
John kerry, different person.
Different person.
I know it's a different person.
His on... his onscreen personality and him offscreen
I sure he's into politics.
No, no, I'm not campaigning right now for anyone
who has been in a movie.
20 years ago, women didn't have the vote, but now they is equal.
Does you think in 20 years' time, animals will have the vote?
No, I don't think that.
Why not?
It would be so hard to, uh,
be able to prove that... that almost every animal
that we know about could understand
what they're voting about.
Wicked.
Keep it real, respek.
Very fun, very fun.
Ok. Take care.
Respek.
Respect.
Yo, respek.
Yekshemesh.
In kazakhstan, country music is very popular.
Dolly parton, johnny cash and cyndi lauper,
"girls just want to have fuck."
I learn how to be country music star. Chergui.
Dance up to the middle and back.
Step forward.
Walk on up and back
come on back.
Back up, back up.
Go ahead move your whole body.
There you go.
Uh, can I teach you, uh, kazakh music?
Yes. Yes.
Uh, we do dance with line, very nice.
Ok.
Uh, the first move is, how you say,
go for a walk with hands.
Yes, and next,
beat the gypsy.
Uh, beat the gypsy.
How you call a man who do with another man?
Homosexual?
Yes, you walk like homosexual.
Uh, no, like this.
# la #
yes. Yes.
With a smile.
Do you know kazakh music?
No, I'm not familiar with it.
Do you know korky bucek?
No.
He is a number one star, this song bing bang.
# bing bang dang dang dang dang dang #
# daga dang dang dang #
# bing bang bang di da #
# daga da da di da di da di # good.
You know this?
I do not know that, no.
Please, mr. Wagoner,
can you teach me how to write country song?
I'll try. I'll tell you some tips
that maybe would help you.
It is a story about my first wife, roxana.
Mmm-hmm.
# this a song about my wife before she die #
how did she die?
Uh, she die in a field.
Um, shh, bullet from a hunter. Oh, she got...
Because of her size, an accident.
He think she a bear
because she have much hair on body, too. I see.
Ok, yeah, uh, ok, go ahead, excuse me.
Uh, my sister make my family very proud.
Should I write about her?
Sure.
She was, uh, um,
voted by almaty chamber of commerce
uh, as a best sex in mouth.
She is, uh, uh, number 2 or 3 prostitute
in country of kazakhstan.
Well, that's wonderful. That's great.
Yes. Yes.
Because that's a talent, too. You know. Yes.
All right, everybody, let's show 'em how we do it here in tucson, arizona.
Please welcome, all the way from kazakhstan,
they are borat and his cowboy astana band.
Give 'em a nice hoot-and-holler applause!
This song called, eh,
nomogsovic adzonathon.
It means "in my country, there is a problem."
# in my country there is problem #
# and that problem is transport #
# it take very, very long #
# because kazakhstan is big #
# throw transport down the well #
Come on!
# so my country can be free #
# we must make travel easy #
# 'cause then we have a big party #
# in my country there is problem #
# and that problem is the jew #
# they take everybody money #
# they never give it back #
# throw the jew down the well #
# so my country can be free #
# you must grab him by his horns #
# then we have a big party #
# if you see the jew coming #
# you must be careful of his teeth #
# you must grab him by his money #
# and I'll tell you what to do #
everybody!
# throw the jew down the well #
# so my country can be free #
# you must grab him by his horns #
# then we'll have a big party #
# throw the jew down the well #
# so my country can be free #
# you must grab him by his horns #
# then we'll have a big party #
Thank you!
Hello, who is this?
It's harper collin.
Harpercollins.
Who is this, harper or collin?
It's collin.
What ? You wants to offer me money for the book
that you's heard about me doin'?
How much?
200,000 pounds?
What?
Yo, listen, I won't chat about it to anyone else.
I needs to decide right now, does I?
All right, give me one minute.
I is just in the bath.
Safe. Give you a ring back. Thank you.
Does you know who that was?
Another book person.
Yeah, but they... they wouldn't do that like that over the phone.
Well, them did it. They'd send it...
Them did it. You heard it. You heard it.
Yeah, they would send a written contract.
# yo, diggidy, check this me may be in a suit #
# lookin' well old #
# but, homies, if you recognize your talent #
# you can win the gold, aight ? #
safe.