Aye.
Booyakasha. Check this out.
I is here with my main man,
none other than the boss man,
mr. Gore vidal.
Today, we is chattin' about history, innit?
'Cause you better learn about it.
Is history happenin' all the time?
We are history.
How?
We... we can't help it.
When I was 14,
I fingered this girl called ruth jonas
and she found out
that me was lettin' people sniff me fingers for 10 pence,
and she told me that I was history.
Is I history?
Well, you were history for her.
For real, so what does that mean?
That means as far as one person on earth goes,
you are historic.
What was the constitution?
It was a written document
outlining how the government of a new country
should be governed.
So, why did they decide to write the constitution
on those 2 tablets?
They're not on tablets. They're on paper.
Didn't them hold up the...
no, that's... that's moses.
So, all right, so how involved was moses
in the constitution?
He had nothing to do with the constitution.
So is the constitution the same now
as it was back then?
No, it...
what?
Well, we have amendments.
How many of them has you got?
We've got 27 amendments to the constitution.
Ain't it better sometimes to get rid
of the whole thing rather than amend it?
'Cause like, me used to go out with this bitch called
And she used to always try and amend herself,
you know, get her hair done in highlights,
get, like, tattoo done on her batty crease.
You know, have the whole thing shaved very nice.
But it didn't make any more difference.
She was still a minger.
And so, you know, me had had enough.
And once me got her pregnant,
me said,
"all right, laters. That is it."
Ain't it the same with the constitution?
Well, the constitution has not yet been pregnant.
Let's chat about slavery.
Ain't a lot of movies about slavery basically racialist?
Like whenever them needs to cast a slave,
them always choose a brother.
Well, there were no white slaves.
What?
In am-america, in the united states.
So couldn't it be argued that slavery
is a bit racialist?
Well, it was totally racist.
So, you is an amazing guy.
You ain't just a historian and a writer
and a speaker,
you is also a world-famous hairstylist.
So, let's just ask a couple of questions
about that.
That's vidal sassoon. That's not me.
But that's what you go under as well.
No, no...
No, that's somebody else. I know him, too.
All right, so...
very nice man.
All right, these next few questions
may make a little bit less sense,
but just bear with me.
So, if you could cut any first lady's hair,
which one would it be?
Well, I've... I've never cut any hair.
That's vidal sassoon.
Yo.
Easy now.
I is now goin' to mount vernon,
which don't mean that I is gonna meet a bloke
called vernon and take him up the batty.
It means I is off to somewhere
that's got something to do with history, innit?
Bo!
Welcome to mount vernon.
Yo, respek.
Good to see ya. Safe.
Washington lived here for about 40 years,
so this is very much a reflection
of his personality.
So does denzel washington still live here?
Denzel?
For real.
No, no, denzel washington's
is a different washington family.
I really can't tell you a lot about his background.
Yo, he's a brother, innit? Uh-huh.
Was the other one a brother?
I... I don't think so. No.
So, there is a river near this house?
Yeah, you can go out and see it right now.
So did him used to do a lot of, like,
jet skiin' on the river?
I don't think they had jet skis yet.
So, did him go windsurfing back then?
No, we don't have any records of windsurfin' either.
Is that because wind weren't invented then?
Um, they had... almost all their big ships
would have had sails.
Aye.
So they would have been using the same kind of technology
"techmology" as the whole.
As the windsurfin' uses today.
This is george washington's most private sanctum.
It's his study.
For real.
And that's... You know who that guy is?
Who's that?
That guy is the father of the american navy,
john paul jones.
Was it difficult for him to live
and fight without having any arms or legs?
Well, no, he actually had a full body.
The artist didn't want to do the full body.
Aight. He stopped right here.
So, what is the 4th of july?
The 4th of july is the... is when they issued
the... the declaration of independence.
And we treat that as a holiday every year,
so nobody goes to work on the 4th of july.
We have fireworks and all sorts of... of celebrations.
And what date does you hold
the 4th of july on?
Yeah, usually the 4th of july.
Why?
Well, that's why we call it that, I think. Yeah.
What happens if it was a leap year?
It wouldn't be on the 4th of july then, innit?
It'd still be on the 4th of july.
No, not in a leap year. Oh, yeah.
Does you know what a leap year is?
Yeah, sure. Every like 5 years...
it's every 4 years. There's an extra day in february.
Well, maybe, yeah.
I think place is a bit like p. Diddy's, innit?
Is it really?
Well, I think he's got like something
like this kind of vibe.
I- I-I-I've never seen it. So I don't...
I have seen this one. I haven't seen that one.
So, I really don't know.
I think his is, with all respect,
a little bit better. You know,
it's got plasma screens and a lot more bitches.
A lot more high-tech, I bet.
Let me give you a little bit of information
about this area here.
It's... it's gated, so people cannot get in here
unless they have somebody that they're coming to see.
Is there something that if a man tread in it,
it take his leg?
No.
He cannot go until I find him?
No, we don't have those here.
I say this
because I had a very bad, uh, gypsy attack.
Oh.
They, uh, stole my wife plow,
and they touch, uh, my horse in a very bad way.
Yeah.
He got, uh, very depress after.
Sure, I understand.
No, be safe.
I... I think this is a pretty safe community.
Yes.
My wife, uh, very scared
from, uh, men with a chocolate face.
There will be in this community?
Uh...
There may or may not.
They would have to be fairly well-off
to live in this area.
So they would not behave like the other chocolate face.
Oh no, oh no. No, no.
If another of my wife die,
is ok I bury her here?
No, they... they won't allow that.
What if I just burn her?
Uh...
Well, yeah, you could if you...
yeah, you could probably do that.
Legally, you can't do that,
but I know people that have done such things as that.
Is there a room with no window and a metal door?
No, I believe all these rooms have windows.
I need a room, uh, for my brother.
He is a retard
and he very, uh, small head
but a very strong arm.
He can smash. Is it possible?
Uh, you could probably build something in the garage.
Yes.
That would be... Yeah, sure.
To chain him.
Why this bed so big?
Well, this is for the husband and the wife.
But why you do not put her to her, uh, cage?
Well, we don't cage 'em over here.
Well, they escape if you do not.
Oh, no.
My wife,
she do, uh, very much noise when she do, uh,
toilet.
You can shut that door there,
and then this door here and that'd be very quiet.
You will... you will tell me if you can hear?
Sure.
Can you hear me?
Just barely hear you.
I think it would be all right.
You can make noise and I will see if I can hear it.
Ok, let me shut the door.
Ok.
Make a noise.
Did you hear me?
A little.
This is what your wife sound like?
She does not make lots of noise.
What do you feed her that she make so little noise?
Well, just the regular stuff that I eat.
Booyakasha!
Check this out.
Sex.
You's probably heard the word out there.
And some of you probably know what it means.
For those of you who don't,
it means bonin'.
But with bonin',
comes "responsaliberty."
You gotta know what you is doin',
so you don't get a bad lergy on your knob.
So, what is pregnancy?
Pregnancy is... is when
the sperm and the egg have met
and, uh, the fetus implants itself
and, uh, the baby grows
for 9 months in the woman's womb.
Can you make someone pregnant by takin' 'em up the batty?
By...
In their batty hole... their exit hole.
Oh, no, you cannot.
Unless some of the sperms migrate out
and get into her vagina.
And that can happen.
I didn't think you was going to be using words like that.
So, it's almost impossible.
Almost impossible.
You see, tanya, it ain't mine. Right?
And you know what you is chattin' about?
Can you say that very clearly to camera
that it's basically impossible
to get someone preggers
when you take 'em up the batty.
It's probably not a good idea.
But, it's almost zero percent.
Almost zero percent.
Listen up, tanya.
Almost zero percent.
Yo, look for someone else, slapper.
Let's have a little look at the table.
Ok.
Take us through that.
This is her vagina.
This is where sex takes place.
Right in that, but of course, that stretches out.
And that's the clit, innit?
No, um, right here.
All right, respek.
Yo. Yeah.
All right, safe.
Let's just have a little look.
So is that actually yours?
No, that is not mine.
All right. That didn't fall out your bag or nothing?
No, it did not.
All right, well, I know exactly what's here,
so I know if something has disappeared at the end of it.
All right.
All right, so what is that?
This is a condom in a... in a... in a foil case.
I'm sure you've seen these before.
Yo. Well, not really.
Ooh, this one's very slippery.
That's wrong.
There we go.
How can that be right?
Now for young people out there
who can't afford connies,
does you recommend using a doritos bag?
I would recommend they went to planned parenthood
and got some free condoms.
What's this?
This is a female condom.
So, if the man doesn't want to wear a condom...
Yo, finally they has made one in my size.
What's this over here?
This is what's called an I.U.D.
An intrauterine device.
This goes right inside the woman's uterus.
I once put me cell phone up me julie,
and the aerial fell off, and it's still up there.
Does you think it will stop the sperms?
I doubt it.
You know, I though she would enjoy it
because it was on vibrate.
And I think her clit must have pressed answer
because suddenly I heard ricky c's voice
coming from her punni.
How come there is such good reception
in a woman's punni?
Because there ain't no reception
by me nan's fridge.
I couldn't tell you.
For real. It was, like, well, weird,
you know, having a conversation with him
because I could hardly hear
what he was saying, mmm-hmm.
But I didn't want to embarrass her.
I'm learning something new all the time.
# Crank it up #
# crank it up #
Strut together 4.
Tip forward.
You going to teach me?
What's your name?
My name is jim harris.
Jim harris.
Just a quickie.
This is a waltz. Ok.
Right. Spin maneuver. Over, spin, turn.
Direct me. Be strong with me.
One thing you must know
is that I'm 100 percent faithful to my partner.
Tuck it through.
Guide the turn.
It might just be a bit of fun for you,
but for me it's another broken heart.
This is all happening so fast.
...Side through to a promenade sway.
Make sure you sway.
Great. That was great. Great.
Thank you.
Now, tell me, it's great people around here, great people.
Yeah, I've enjoyed it very much.
Who's that guy, jim, that I was dancing with?
Well, jim is almost our professional.
Oh yeah, I bet.
He... he does it just right.
He was really great.
I mean, does he, uh, have a partner?
Yes, his wife.
Yeah, is jim looking at me now?
I'm not going to look at him,
but, you just look, just tell me,
is he looking at me?
I don't think so.
You look. I'm not going to look over there.
I'm not going to make it obvious.
No, no, he's not looking at you.
You sure?
Well, his back's to you.
Oh, playing hard to get.
He's, uh, getting jealous.
Right, ok.
Look how angry he is.
Look like you're enjoying it. Let's make him jealous.
Turn, five-step close quarter turn.
Bitch.
Hi, how are you ? Hi, jim.
Remember me?
Step apart, point.
I don't know about you, jim.
Great, is he looking now?
No, he's not.
No?
Uh-huh.
But, he is now,
all right, turning there momentarily.
He was, yeah.
Right. Kind of glanced over his shoulder,
you know?
He doesn't like the thought of you and me together one little bit.
Oh, ok.
I saw him the moment we were together,
like, very, very jealous.
Very jealous.
Sorry.
# God bless america #
# my home sweet home #
Side space , right square.
# From the mountains #
# through the prairies #
bitch.
# God bless america #
# my home sweet home #
Start clapping.
Sweep back on one.
Lady trade, bend the line, lordy lord!
So, I just want to say thanks so much
and will I ever see you again?
Uh, I doubt it.
What?
It's just this is like my last night in atlanta and...
I felt like there was something...
No.
Special.
# Crank it up #
Eagle, you're looking great. Coming up 9 minutes.
Boom selector!
Check it today.
We is chattin' about medical ethics.
What is the illness that they give out ganja for?
I believe they've used it for, uh, glaucoma.
Where could I catch a disease like that from?
I don't know you catch it.
I think it's something that can develop.
Does they give you like "kingston super skunk"
or does they just give you normal "maui maui"?
That I don't know.
Is normal medicine best at curing people
or should you look to alternatives?
Now, you is a homophobic doctor.
What's that like?
Homeopathic.
All right. All right, yo, yo, yo.
Seriously, keep your own prejudices at home
'cause, you know, there might be gaylords
out there who's watching this.
Now, I don't want you to insult them.
You used the word "homophobic."
So, you should take that back.
That word that you said.
I didn't use the word you did.
I used the word "homeopathic,"
which is a system for deciding
when people are sick
what medicinal substance
will most help that individual.
I think it's wrong to say that them people is sick.
They's got a different way of living
than us.
You have misunderstood, sir.
I don't want to be the guy
who's in charge of this whole thing, saying
that kind of language is ok. Sorry.
So what is "cloming"?
Cloning is basically where they take a cell
All right.
And they make it grow into a living creature.
Does you think "cloming" is right?
Doing something this unusual is
very, very dangerous.
First of all, we already know
that their experience with this
had shown many, many failures.
All right.
Well, what about if you could clone foxy brown?
I bet you wouldn't say no to that.
Well, since I do not know
who that individual is,
I... I can't say absolutely no, but...
foxy brown, you know.
She's... she ain't called "foxy" for nothing.
She's fly, like, serious babylons.
I see.
Yo, would you be into that,
if you could clone foxy brown?
No.
I is getting you don't like brown sugar.
What about if it was carmen electra?
No, I... because basically,
I'm opposed to the issue of producing life
in this circumstance.
All right. I is getting you.
I didn't mean to assume anything.
So what about if it was george michaels?
Would you up for "cloming" him?
No, I... I... I... As I said before,
scientifically, it is not known
what will ever occur in such a circumstance.
There was 2 boys in me school
called alan lambert and phil lambert.
And they was exactly the same.
Like same hair, same eye color,
same height.
They even was born on the same day.
Does you think that they was "clomes"?
No, they weren't cloned.
They were what is called identical twins.
How does you know that they was twins?
Well, the nature of the way the mother had...
does you know them? Yes.
You know phil or alan?
I don't know those 2 gentlemen.
'Cause I think phil moved to america.
That's why I thought maybe you met him.
Oh, no.
Let's talk about doctors.
Does they have the right to end
old people's lives?
That's euthanasia.
Why is it the responsibility of the youth in asia
for killing someone else?
Surely, it's between that patient and the doctor.
Euthanasia is the term that's used
when you are killing.
It's a nice word for killing.
Whatever. You is saying
that it's mainly asian youths that is...
no, no, no, no, no, no.
Does you think that they're responsible for this?
You don't also agree with him?
Who's responsible for this?
The youth in asia.
I think we're getting confused here.
"Euthanasia" comes from the greek word for death.
Let me understand what you is saying.
You're saying that it got nothing to do
with young people in asia.
You were saying that,
occasionally, there's some doctors here,
who may be from asia,
who do this.
That's correct,
but they could also be from the united states.
But they're mainly from asia.
No, no, no.
The ones that are there behave themselves very well.
No. The asians, the asians....
They have nothing to do with asia.
We have absolutely no evidence
that the asians do it more than we do.
So, let's talk about plastic surgery.
I heard about this thing, and it's probably rubbish,
that some girls
actually gets their babylons reduced.
Is that true?
Yes, it's true.
For real?
Yes.
Ain't that selfish, though,
cause it's like, one woman gettin' backache,
but you is taking away thousands of men getting pleasure, innit?
I think you're misunderstanding once again.
I'm talking about grossly enlarged.
Where they are not attractive.
I is talking about nice ones.
Oh, I see.
Well, it's a matter of taste.
Respek.
Safe.
We'll chat about that after.
Also, jetzt bin ich hier mit der
junge daniel.
Hello, daniel.
Hello.
What's your name?
My name's daniel.
I have... I have an interest in guns and handguns.
I'm also a hunter. I like to hunt.
Wow! So what is your biggest gun?
The biggest caliber of gun I have would be my 7 magnum.
Do you need to use lubrication with a gun like that?
Absolutely, you definitely need to use lubrication.
How far can you put it up the poopenschaft
before it's dangerous?
Uh, I probably wouldn't use it up the poopenschaft.
What do you think it is that makes
shooting the number one leisure activity
for gay guys at the moment?
Now, that, I don't know.
I don't know any gay people,
and I'm not gay.
Why are you denying it?
I'm not judging you. I'm gay too.
All right, if you call me gay one more time,
I'm fittin' to knock every tooth out of your head.
You understand what I'm sayin'?
'Cause I done told you that I'm not gay.
Ok, sure.
Ok, that's good. All right.
I'm sorry.
So, tell me what is these things that, um...
One more time, I said.
So be careful of what you say.
Ok, so...
Be real careful of what you say.
Check it!
"Yo, peep, this me name be gore vidal.
"I is spittin' rhymes about urban history.
"Why homies give props to uzis,
"not books, ain't nothing but a mystery.
All right."