Keep it real.
Easy now. If you ain't careful,
sex can lead to some terrible things:
Herpes, scrot-rot, or even worse,
something called a relationship.
That's why I's off to meet john gray, to find out how to avoid one.
Aight.
With men and women,
does you think that men should marry only one woman?
Does you believe in mahogany?
I do.
I personally believe in monogamy, for me personally.
How come in some religions, it's all right to have more than one wife?
Like the morons, you know, like sometimes I wish I was a moron.
It's the mormons or the muslims.
But whatever.
In both those religions, it's ok to have, uh, more than one wife.
And it becomes very hard to settle on one woman.
So I know lots of men, I've helped lots of men with this.
Who, you know, they'd be with a woman.
She's great, and then they just lose interest.
They don't understand because these other women seem so much better.
For real, it's like with me julie.
Me know there is definitely someone better.
Well, I don't know if she'd like to hear that.
Yo, no, I has told her.
Ok, but what you want to do is not tell her.
Yeah, but when she get cocky, whatever, you know,
"look at me. I could get anyone."
I say, "yo, I could do a lot better than you, so shut up."
Well, that-that's not a nice thing to say.
Let me tell you about a problem
that I's got at the moment with me julie.
About 2 months ago, me convinced me julie
to let me take some, like, arty photos of her,
like very tasteful, whatever.
Anyways, I was showing them to me mates
and then them came up with this idea
of like sending them to this magazine, uh, called shaven amateurs.
Anyway, them published them,
and now me julie is like well menstrual, all really eggy.
What must me do?
Well, you're going to have to pay the price for that.
You violated her trust.
Oh, no, she ain't worried about that.
She just want half of the money.
You need to find somebody who has
professional standards of what the model would get.
So will me have to pay snickers as well?
I don't understand the snickers thing.
She's, you know, she's holding a snickers bar or whatever.
But to be fair, you can only see "ickers."
Ok, got it.
But does me still have to pay them?
'Cause in a way, it's like advertising for them.
What's the march about today on a very, very basic level?
I think it's about reproductive rights
and our current administration's legislation
that threatens a woman's right to choose.
Well, I think that's also interesting
because we're, you know, we're a lesbian couple and everything...
What?
And we have not had abortions,
but we are wanting to go down to the mall and show our support.
For real. Did you say that you is...
You knows some people is lesbians.
Well, we... we know each other.
What, you two is...
We're a couple.
A couple of lezzas? Respek!
Thank you. Yo.
Last I looked.
Total... total respek, yo.
Thank you. Wicked, yo.
I... I love lesbians.
Yo, ok.
Ok.
Yo, respek.
Just relax, you know, you know I love it.
I has got loads of your videos
and everything. So, it's wicked.
So what's your opinion on abortion rights
or women's reproductive issues?
Yo, I is totally into abortion.
I is been responsible for at least 5,
so, you know, I is well up for it.
Find out what abortion is!
Find out what it is!
So why is you so pro-abortion?
We're not pro-abortion. We're pro-life.
Has you ever had an abortion?
No, I've never had an abortion.
Surely, you should try something before you say it is bad?
Oh, no. No.
We've known many, many women that have had an abortion.
But like I was very, very anti-burger king,
but then, you know,
me went there and me tried the flame-grilled whopper.
And it was, like, you know, it was amazing.
What be your name?
Father dean schultz.
Yo, respek. Safe.
Is you very anti-abortion
'cause you yourself was aborted?
No, I wasn't aborted.
So, you ain't never got a ho preggers?
You ain't never got a ho preggers?
No.
So, is that because you use connies or does you fire blanks?
This interview is over.
Call it choice, call it murder , just don't call it medicine!
Can me have a go on the loudhaler?
Choice! Choice!
Here me now, hear me now, comanabukadabus. Here me now, hear me now.
Free nelson mandela!
Let's make this clear.
You is campaigning to make abortions cheaper.
Why is that?
I'm completely against it.
I'd like to see roe vs. Wade overturned.
Personally, I would wait until I was married to have sex with someone.
What, is you married or not?
No, I'm not married yet.
So what, is you a virgin?
Yeah.
I don't mean to laugh, but you're joking.
No.
This is going on telly, you know?
That's great.
Ask me how old I was when I lost me cherry.
Why don't you just tell me?
11 years old, and she was like 24 and a model.
And she wanted more.
I just didn't want to commit, innit?
# We shall overcome #
# I do believe #
# abortion #
# deep in my heart #
# a-a-abortion #
# that we shall overcome some day #
# f-f-fresh #
Yekshemesh.
Kazakhi people have a many job opportunities
here in u.S. And "a."
For men: Construction worker, taxi driver, or accountant.
For women: Prostitute.
I try to get american job. Chergui.
What sort of things have you done work-wise?
In kazakhstan, I was make ice.
I was a gypsy catcher.
Also, I work with animals.
Animals? In what respect?
I, uh, make them have, uh,
explosion for liquid
for make more animals.
Oh ? Ok.
I, uh, specialty is, uh, camel.
I can, uh, pull a camel for...
In less than 20 minute for him to have liquid explosion.
Ok.
I can do a goat very easy,
in less than minute, finger in anus, easy.
Tell me about a situation in your previous work experience
where you are confident you did something well
that contributed to the organization.
When I work as animal puller...
Mmm-hmm.
Uh, one time they said that there is a camel,
he can make no sexy-time explosion.
Ok.
I say, uh, "please, let borat try."
Mmm-hmm.
I go on my knees.
I grip and pull
for 2 hours.
Oh, gosh.
Grip, pull, grip, pull.
Ok.
And my arm begin to hurt.
I cannot feel my arm. I carry on.
I do not care.
I tell him I will do it.
Grip, pull, grip, pull. Nothing, nothing.
Then, after 2 hour,
I hear...
Ok.
I think something is arriving.
Something is arriving.
Then fast, grip, pull, grip, pull, grip, pull.
And then, silence.
And then, explosion.
Very good.
As far as the activity of your involvement
in producing semen from animals,
what are your day-to-day activities?
I take the box of cream.
Mmm-hmm.
I take 2 animals, same size.
Mmm-hmm.
I lie on my back.
I take same size, then I start to...
Some people can only do one...
Ok. ...Like this.
Uh-huh.
If it is a camel, you can only do one...
Ok. ...Like this.
And you have a collection,
uh,
small uzbekistani boy collect.
Tell me a little bit about what would
your boss that you had at your last job,
if I called him up and asked him
what kind of employee you were,
what would he say about you?
Uh,
he will say bad things,
but that is because he is a liar.
Do you feel like you're the kind of person
that can work well with other people?
Yes, I have very good work with other people.
Good.
And I want you to know
that I can sniff out if there is a traitor in a company.
Really?
And if I find them, I can finish them.
Well, I really don't need you to do that.
Let's start withengths. Your strengths.
What are you good at?
I am very strong physique.
Ok.
I can hold a very large woman down
for up to 3 hours.
Ok.
Do ladies work here?
Yes, they do.
Do they have nice physiques?
Yes, which I have to work with you on that, because, uh,
in our work force, in the united states,
everybody is looked upon as equal as far as man and woman.
What? Yes.
Do you have lawsuits? Are you familiar
with the term "lawsuit"? "Court suits"?
That could become a legal issue.
If you give me this job,
can I put a camera in the lady toilet, please?
No.
Why not?
That... it's against the law.
If I work here,
can I work in a room with a light, please?
Yes, everybody will have a light.
Great success!
See? Thank you.
Have a nice evening.
Good luck, nice meet you.
Nice meeting you.
Hope I like a job. High five!
All right, there we go. All right.
Sh-sh-shake it like a polaroid picture. Check this.
I is here with none other than my main man, dr. Schultze.
Him was the chief economics advisor
to some bloke called president carter.
And also, he was the budget director
for lindy johnson and she was the president.
Nope. What?
It's a he, and it's lyndon.
Yo, let... let me just do the beginning bit again. Ok.
Yo, check it! I is here with dr. Schultze.
Him was economic advisor to president carter
and also to president johnson, who was a man.
So economics is well important, innit?
Yeah, it is.
Uh, you know, it's where you make your money...
For real.
You get rich or you get poor
or you're unemployed, you've got a job.
Let's talk about the notes.
Why does they put pictures of gaylords
on the bills here?
Of who? Of batty men.
Of like, uh, you know, men who...
Blokes who do it with each other.
Why has they got pictures of gaylords?
Gaylords, uh, gayers, benders,
batty men, fifi men, uh, homos.
They don't.
What?
No, on the thing like...
They don't.
Like this bloke here.
Yeah.
Come on. That bloke, he's a fag.
He was a famous general, a president.
Him was a gaylord?
No, no, no.
But come off it.
He's got the same haircut as me nan.
So what ? What's a haircut got to do with it?
He would say you're looking pretty weird with your hair.
Yo, well, he better tell me that face-to-face...
to him... no, no, to him, you would.
Wouldn't it be better, instead of having a $5 bill and a $10 bill,
having like a $5.44 bill
and a $16.89 bill
and like a $22.11 bill
and like a $5.44...
no, I've done that already.
Or like $182,000
250 m-million bill.
That way you wouldn't have to carry any spare change, innit?
You go to a store
and you got a $52.64 bill in your pocket, right?
We hope, we hope. It's just a dream at the moment.
Suppose you did.
And it turns out when you got the thing, the price was not $52.64
but $52.65. What would you do?
Pay for it with the $52.65 bill.
You don't have it.
One go, thank you.
Wouldn't you have to have thousands and thousands of bills in your pocket?
What is the stock market?
I want to have a company that produces toys, right?
What, is this, what, 'cause you's had enough
with the politics and economics thing?
No, no, no, I just want to make money.
I got a good toy, I know I can sell it.
What is it?
Any toy.
I'm just giving you an... I don't know.
Is it one of them robot dogs?
Yeah, let's say it is, or something like that, who knows?
'Cause them is out already.
All right, well, just say it's a better one.
Why does you want to go into toys?
Does you not think economics is interesting anymore?
No, I'm giving you an example.
All right.
I'm trying to tell you what investment means,
and why you need stocks.
Oh, you don't want to go into toys.
I don't want to myself, but I'm trying to give you an example.
That's a shame, isn't it?
Suppose I did.
It would have been a laugh.
It sure would have, 'cause I wouldn't know how to make them,
but let's suppose I did. Aight.
And I got a great idea.
I... I got a friend who's got a good toy he designed.
I think it's going to sell.
Wicked, what's that? Let's suppose...
I'm just giving an example. I just made it up.
Aight. I just made it up.
Does it make a difference what price they buy it at or sell it at?
Yeah, the lower you buy it
and the higher you sell it, the more money you make.
But ain't the problem with selling things when you is high
is that you sometime get really bad deals?
Like one time when me was high,
me sold me car for, like, 24 chicken mcnuggets.
Ain't it wrong to do that?
But it wasn't high.
Yo, no, but me was totally high.
Me was mashed.
Me had done, like, you know, some super skunk from amsterdam
that had me got in, and me had smoked like loads of it,
and then it was like me was well hungry.
And me mate dangerous dave said, "yo, can we have your car ?"
And me said, "yo, give me the chicken. Maybe we chat about it."
That's 'cause you were high. Yo, for real.
Yeah, but I'm not talking about you.
I'm talking about the stock.
Is the price high?
Oh, so, you shouldn't be high when you sell.
No, no, don't be high. That's a real rule.
Don't be high when you're buying and selling stock.
What is a pin number?
You got to have a pin number to work the a.T.M.
What is the bestest pin number?
Is it your house number or is it your birthday?
It's probably a number that doesn't mean anything.
Me know you can't tell me, but is it 1984?
No, I don't mean that...
No, that isn't my point.
Is it in the 1980s? Just nod if it was.
You mean the pin number?
Yo, is that the bestest one?
No, I don't know what's the best.
It doesn't matter.
'88. 1988. 1888.
Do you know why you need it?
I know it's something '84 with 8s in it.
What you want is a pin number...
Wicked.
That nobody else knows.
Safe.
So you don't pick a year.
You don't pick your birthday.
You pick some number that doesn't have any meaning.
6598, 2642, 3515.
What was that ? 6598? Yeah.
3215.
8954.
Which are those ones?
I just make them up.
8954.
It doesn't make any difference.
I'm making them all up.
Listen up, pay attention, and be careful with your cash
if you want to get to be wearing bling.
Keep it real. Respek.
Yep, you have a few good ones. Right.
# Crank it up! #
I will introduce you
and then I put my hand up and you all, uh, shout.
Ok, good. Ok.
Also, wilkommen, here I am in daytona beach
where all the great guys in the u.S.A.
Come to be gay!
Wait a minute, what?
What?
Gay means happy, right?
No, no, no, no. No, gay sex.
Also jetzt gehen wir hier to look at some guys
living on the beach who are wrestling team. Great!
Let's see you guys wrestle.
Put on your...
yeah, ok!
So, do you want to show me how to wrestle?
Hit his head, come on!
Hit a double back, micah, double.
So, whistle blows, we're come in here grabbing, pulling down...
Nice.
Shooting for legs here.
All right.
See what I'm saying?
Yeah, there you go. There you go.
Yeah.
Ok.
Yeah, there you go. Now! Step here.
Yeah.
Grab behind my legs and put your head right in my chest.
Ok, great. Like that.
Put that foot in.
Ok, like that? Yeah, now tackle me.
Ok.
Like that. Ok?
That's it. Great.
That's a two-point takedown.
Great, let's do that again.
Go ahead. You shoot that double you learned.
Shoot your double leg.
All right. Stay on top. Stay on top.
Ok.
You've got 2 points for a takedown.
Great.
What we're going to do for the front of the show, is spell out "p,"
you're going to go "p," then you go "a," "r," "t," "y,"
and then you all shout, "party!" Go.
"P" "a"
"r" "t"
"y!"
Party!
So, let's just do that, but like with more energy...
more?
Yeah, with a lot...
ok, go.
"P" "a"
"r" "t"
"y!"
Party!
Spring break!
We're crazy!
Yeah, spring break, baby!
Plymouth state university!
Ok, just do it, but with more energy.
All right.
Ok, so...
we'll give you some fucking energy.
Get psyched up!
Ok, you're ready?
"P" "a"
"r" "t"
"y!"
Party!
Plymouth state university!
P.S.U.!
Plymouth state university!
Let's do it, but with more energy this time.
That was a little bit low
because it's going to be the front of the show.
Go!
"P" "a"
"r" "t"
"y!"
Spring break, baby!
Ok, great! Let's see your pectorals.
This is how we do things!
Ok, let's turn around.
Show us some muscles, yeah.
Show us some muscles on the back.
Yeah, baby!
Is it possible to see the arsche? See the arsche?
The ass?
Yes, sure.
You want to see some ass cheeks?
Yes, let's see it.
Give them an ass cheek!
Let's see it.
Give them some ass cheek, man.
That's great! Wow!
Great!
Great.
Just say, "hello, this is jim."
Hello, this is jim!
And I am sending... saying "hi"
and I saying "hi"...
Saying hi from daytona beach, florida!
To austria... to austria gay t.V.
What ? Austria gay t.V.?
Yeah.
What do you mean gay t.V.? Well...
get the fuck out of here. You didn't say gay t.V.
Yeah.
No, what do you mean gay t.V.?
There's no fucking gay t.V. Involved in this.
No, this is...
I'm not getting involved in gay t.V.
This is a gay show.
# Crank it up! #
so how does I spell "rooney"?
R- u-n-e-y.
You've done this before?
Yo, I mean, I has made...
have you ever done this before?
Yo, for real. I's done, I mean, I come mainly from...
what is your language, your basic language? English?
Yo, for real.
So what language are you most comfortable in?
Yo, english for real. I is from england.
And how shall I introduce you?
That's your business, not mine.
I'm getting very close to the end of this.
Yeah, I didn't realize...
Yeah, go ahead, do what you have to do.
Yo, check it!
I is here with none other than my main man, andy rooney.
Total respek. And today we is chatting about the media.
The media is well important, innit?
It is important. If a democracy is important,
people have to know what's going on in the world.
That's why the media's important.
Does you think the media's changed since you first got in it?
"Does you think the media has changed ?"
Do you think the media has changed?
Whatever, does...
no, it's english.
The english language would say,
"do you think the media has changed ?"
Not, "does you think the media has changed ?"
Yes, I think the media has changed.
So, what sort of things does you think the media should cover...
do you... do you think the media.
Um,
yo, do you think the... I think
it's an english-american thing, though, innit?
No, no, that's english.
The english language is very clear.
I have 50 books on the english language,
if you'd like to borrow one.
Let's talk about some mistakes
that has happened or not happened.
Has journalists ever put out tomorrow's news by mistake?
How do you know what the news is if it hasn't happened yet?
Yo, but if there was something well important like a plane crash,
wouldn't you report that like a day early?
How would you report a plane crash that happens tomorrow, today?
All right, safe, well, you couldn't do that.
Let's say it was something like the election,
which is like a massive thing.
Wouldn't you report who won that like a few days before
because it's going to be such a massive story
that everyone will want to know about it, and read about it for ages?
But you don't know who won it,
do you, until the election is over?
How can you report it before it happens?
Yo, for real, so...
ok, I think that's about it.
I don't think we need anymore.
Can't do this.
Why not?
This is not going.
Is it because I is black?
I can't waste my time.
Is it because I is black?
You're black?
For real.
Huh?
Who's black?
Yo, I is.
No, I don't want to do this anymore.
Why not?
I don't have time, sorry.
You's been rude to me from the first moment.
Right, I'm sorry.
He's trying to tell me I don't speak english.
Well, right.
He's been rude.
That's quite racialist, to be honest.
Racialist?
Racist, not racialist.
Yo, racialist. Yo, keep the cameras running.
See that this is racialism.
This is fine.
He's chucking me out 'cause the color of me skin.