Hold on, I gotta come up!
I've gotta take the world's biggest fucking piss.
We can't be late!
We won't!
Who's... who's holding?
If you 're not, then nobody.
We were kind of hoping you were.
- Yeah. How are you not holding? - Jesus Christ, Shanna.
It is not my fucking job to supply y'all with weed when we go out.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, little lady.
You're gettin' angry kind of quick, don't you think?
I was just teasin' you!
I'm not angry. It just would be nice
if y'all didn't just count on me all the fucking time
and surprise me every once in a while with pot.
Okay, mean girl in a high school movie.
Are you through having a tantrum?
I'm not having a tantrum.
Yes, you are. You've been in the car all of two seconds,
and you're already cursing at me.
I am not cursing at you.
You said "Jesus Christ, Shanna,"
and then before the sentence was over
you threw a "fucking" in there to emphasize your irritatedness.
Come on, don't fight. I'll pay for it when we get some.
One, it is not about the money. It is about the pain in the ass of scoring.
And two, we're not really fighting.
Arlene, you've forgotten what hanging out with Jungle Julia is like.
That wasn't a fight.
That was Julia acting like a grumpy bitch
and me calling her on it and indulging her at the same time.
That's how we tolerate each other after all these years.
Oh! Billboard!
So, what's the plan, man?
Margaritas and Mexican food at Guero's.
Did you call Rafael and tell him we're coming?
- Of course. - You 're so good.
I know.
Okay, is Christian Simonson gonna be there?
You bet your ass he is... with Jesse Letterman.
Christian Simonson, the filmmaker, is in town.
He's got a big thing for Julia.
If he had a big thing for me, he'd fucking call me,
as opposed to disappearing for six months,
and he'd get his ass down here more often than he does.
And on my birthday he'd give me a fucking phone call.
Oh, billboard!
Yeah, but you get those legs of yours around him,
and it's all over.
Yeah, well, when I'm redecorating his house in the hills that I am also living in,
I'll let you know it worked.
So, margaritas and Mexican food at Guero's,
touch base with Chris and Jesse, tell them about later,
and make damn sure they come.
Those other guys'll be waiting for us at the Texas Chili Parlor.
Oh, shit. Speaking of which...
what happened with you and Nate last night?
Well, you know, not much. We just fucking met each other.
If you don't bust their balls a little bit, they're never gonna respect you.
Okay, we're pretty clear on what it is you didn't do.
How about enlightening us on what it is you did do?
Oh, nothing to write home about.
We just made out on the couch for about 20 minutes.
Dressed, half-dressed, or naked?
Dressed. I said we made out. We didn't do "the thing."
Oh, excuse me for living, but what is "the thing"?
You know, it's everything but.
They call that "the thing"?
I call it "the thing."
Do guys like "the thing"?
They like it better than "no thing."
Okay, I wanna get back to what it is you did do.
So you're making out on the couch with Nate, right?
Correct.
Whose couch? His or the one in your hotel room?
What am I, stupid over here? Mine.
Were you making out sitting up or lying down?
We started sitting up, we worked our way to lying down.
Hmm. The plot thickens. Who was on top?
I was straddling him.
What else?
That was it. So we made out for a little while on the couch...
and I said, "Okay, I'm gonna go to bed now, so it's time for you to leave."
And then he starts to whine, "Oh, right now?"
And I said, "Yup, right now. Let's go."
And he says, "Wait, what about this?" And I said no.
He said, "What do you mean? You don't know what I'm gonna say."
I said, "I already know what you're gonna say, and the answer's no."
He said, "Well, how can you say you know what I'm gonna say?"
And I said, "Because you're gonna say, 'Let's just go to sleep together.
'We don't gotta do nothing.
'Just cuddle, sleep next to each other,
wake up in the morning together.'"
"No. You 're gonna leave... but I'll see you tomorrow."
Yeah, fuck Nate.
I mean, he's cute and all,
but Jesse Letterman is gonna be all over her.
Remember... no hookin' up tonight.
You can hang out with them, you can make out with them,
but no hookin' up with them,
because we are driving to Lake L.B.J. tonight,
and my daddy's pretty clear about one thing...
He said, "I am lettin' you and your girlfriends stay at my lake house,
not you and a bunch of horny boys trying to get their fuck on with my daughter."
- Your dad talks like that? - Hell yeah.
And it's not like he ain't gonna know, either,
because when I'm staying at the lake house with my girlfriends in our bikinis,
Daddy just has a tendency to pop up and make sure we don't need anything.
Look, he's totally harmless and cute as a bug's ear!
But you know, when he's got a bunch of half-naked poontang
walking the floor of his lake house,
he just likes to pay us a visit and make sure we got everything we need.
And if you flirt shamelessly with him,
like the six-foot baby giraffe in the backseat,
you got a puppy dog for life.
I have my own relationship with Ben,
and you're just jealous 'cause it don't include you.
You call her dad "Ben"?
I'm not a child. That's his name.
So, when are the boys showing up?
They're gonna meet us at the Chili Parlor.
Maybe they can bring some pot.
Fuck that. No.
I don't wanna be either A, depending on their fucking ass,
or B, depending on their ass.
Uh-uh. If we don't score ourselves,
we're gonna be stuck with them all fucking night.
Ooh! Try Lanna-Frank.
Best idea you had all day.
Oh, hey! That's your last billboard before Guero's!
Oh, come on, give me a break.
Oh, come on, my ass! We said every time.
Okay.
Jules, let me get a drag.
Thanks.
Oh, my God.
Hey, this is... and I's U.T. days, Arlene.
Hey.
- You wanna join us? - For a second, but I'm with some friends.
Ooh...
So, you must be... must be...
So, you must be the infamous Butterfly.
Shh!
She don't know nothing about it.
- Know about what? - When were y'all gonna tell her?
- Soon. - Tell me what?
Yeah, now thanks to you, we've gotta tell her sooner than later.
All right, cut the shit. What the fuck is going on?
I said a little something-something about you on the air today.
Julia, what the fuck did you say about me on the radio?
All I said was I had a sexy friend named Butterfly
who was in from out-of-town for the weekend,
and we would be going out somewhere in Austin tonight,
and if they were out on the town, maybe they'd see us.
And I described you, and I said that if they spotted you while we were out,
if they'd do something, you'd do something.
Okay, now, Julia, I'm serious.
What did you say and what did you say I'd do?
Anywho, I could explain what I said, which would be boring,
or Marcy over here,
who is an incredible actress, could act it out for you,
which I think will give you a better idea what you have in store for you tonight.
Okay, so just tell me your way.
- So we'll act it out with Marcy? - Sure.
Okay, give Marcy your drink.
Okay, so you 're in a club or a bar,
and Marcy's a kind of cute or kind of hot or kind of sexy
or better be fucking hysterically funny,
but not-funny-looking guy who you could fuck.
Got it.
Okay, Marcy, take it.
Howdy.
Hi, there.
Excuse me, but...
your name wouldn't be "Butterfly," would it?
Yes, it is, and it seems you have me at a disadvantage.
Barry.
Pleased to meet you, Barry.
Y'all are gettin' me hot!
Shh!
So is, uh... "Butterfly" your real name?
Yes, it is.
And how'd you know my name, Barry?
I listened to Jungle Julia's show this mornin'.
Oh, you did, did you?
Oh, yeah, I listen to her show every morning.
Oh, you do, do you?
Yeah, she's like the coolest lady in town.
Don't you think she's got a big ass?
Nah, man! I like her ass that way.
She got a black girl's ass.
Well, that's what she always says,
but in actual fact, she doesn't really have a black girl's ass.
She's got a big ass.
Okay, what the fuck are you doing?
Look who wants to get to the point all of a sudden.
Okay, we'll get to the point,
but for your information, skinny bitch,
black men and a whole lot of motherfuckin' white men
have had plenty of fun adoring my ass.
I don't wear their teeth marks on my butt for nothing.
If you're not gonna buy me a drink, can I have mine back?
No, okay, okay, okay, okay.
So, Butterfly...
can I buy you a drink?
I'd love one.
What can I get ya?
I'll take a margarita.
Here ya go.
So, after they buy you a drink
when they raise their glass to toast,
they look you dead in the eye and repeat this poem...
"The woods are lovely, dark and deep
And I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."
Did you hear me, Butterfly?
"Miles to go before you sleep."
And then, if they say that...
you gotta give 'em a lap dance.
What?
If they call you "Butterfly," buy you a drink, repeat that poem,
you gotta give 'em a lap dance.
That's bullshit. I ain't giving them nothin'.
Well, you can do it or not, but if you don't,
everybody in Austin is gonna think you a chicken shit.
And I don't think you want everybody in Austin
thinking you're a chicken shit.
I ain't giving nobody no lap dance 'cause of what you said.
Oh, come on! It's gonna be funny!
Yeah, everything's funny to you two when it's happening to me.
Look. You don't have to do it for anybody you don't want.
I said you'd do it for the first guy who says it.
So, some geek comes over trying to be cool,
just tell him you already did it at another place earlier.
No harm, no foul, but you get a free drink out of it.
But maybe a little later in the evening,
you've had a few drinks,
you're kind of loosey-goosey,
you're safe with your girls,
then some kind of cute, kind of hot, kind of sexy,
hysterically funny, but not-funny-looking guy comes up and says it...
then maybe you did it earlier, maybe you didn't.
She's making me trip.
Shut the fuck up. You made me trip, dumb bitch!
You fuckin' idiot!
# Baby #
# It doesn't matter what they say #
# I know I'm gonna love you any old way #
# What can I do without you? #
# Don't want nobody, nobody #
# Baby, it's you #
# Don't leave me alone #
# Come on home #
# Baby, it's you #
# Baby, it's you... #
Any dead soldiers here?
Uh, these two. Thank you.
Where the hell is Lanna-Frank?
That's a good fucking question.
Lanna-Frank!
Where are you?
Well, come over already. We're waiting for you.
- Shit! Hold on!
So, where are you?
Come over already. We're waiting for you.
No. We're not coming over there.
You come over here like you said you would.
So, is it Shauna and the girls at the lake house this weekend?
- Shauna? - Oh, fuck. I...
No.
Now, there is one thing that every girl in the whole world
whose name is Shanna has in common with each other.
We all hate the name "Shauna,"
and we really hate it when people call us "Shauna."
Just remember...
it's "Shanna Banana," not "Shauna Banauna."
Okay, but at some point in the evening, I had fuckability stock.
Yeah, I mean, it wasn't bullish, but...
Okay... Warren's sending over shots, and you know the house rules.
If he sends over shots, you gotta do them.
- What? - Hey, them's the rules, baby.
- Warren says it, we do it! I love that philosophy!
"Warren says it, we do it."
So let's do it!
What is it?
Hey, shot first, questions later. Here we go. Post time!
Mmm!
Whoo-hoo!
Now, is that a tasty beverage or is that a tasty beverage?
What the fuck is it?!
Chartreuse.
The only liquor so good they named a color after it.
Who's down for dos Chartreuse?
Not me.
I'm going out for a smoke.
Okay, but careful where you keep that hot flame, all right?
You 'll blow up the joint.
Drinks. What can we get you?
Shanna Banana?
Another big-ass Long Island iced tea.
Bombay Sapphire and tonic with no ice.
Good boy.
Oh, hey, Punky.
Uh, one of the lights is off in the parking lot. Flip it.
- Oh! Jesus Christ! - Whoa-ho!
You scared the fuck out of me, you shitty asshole!
I swear, Arlene. I was not trying to scare you.
I just... got lucky.
Oh, hardee-fucking-har.
- Let's go inside. - Wait a minute.
- Why? - I was thinkin' we could make out.
What, on a porch?
Not even in the bar, but in front of the entrance?
- Forget it. - No, in my car.
What, out there? It's wet as fucking 'Nam out there.
Not in my car it's not.
Look, you won't get wet.
I promise you.
You know, most guys wouldn't brag about that.
Ha ha ha.
I mean... you know what I mean.
Look, I know you guys are going to Lake L.B.J.
and we can't come.
I wanna make out...
Okay, just stop with the whining. It's not attractive.
I don't want it super fucking obvious to everybody in the bar we've been gone,
- so we'll make out for six minutes, deal? - Great.
No, no, no. Deal or no deal?
If you're gonna whine when I pull the plug in six minutes,
we could just walk back inside the fucking bar right now.
- Deal. No whining. - And no begging.
And no begging. When you say "done," it's done.
I'm gonna remember you said that.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, you got two jobs... kiss good and make sure my hair don't get wet.
# It was early, early one morning #
# When I heard my bulldog bark #
# It was Staggolee and Billy Lyons #
# Squabblin ' in the dark... #
Now, look, you can't look like you're trying to get her out of here
before Christian Simonson shows up,
but you've got to get her out of here before Christian Simonson shows up.
Yeah, but what's the point?
They're going to Shanna's daddy's house at Lake L.B.J.,
and it's no guys.
Absolutely no guys.
Okay. So after we bring the girls' drinks,
in fairly rapid order, but not obvious, we order two more rounds of shots.
You think they're gonna fall for that?
We'll be very convincing.
Now it's time to turn up the volume. No more fucking around.
We go to Jäger shots.
Man, they're not gonna drink Jäger shots.
Dude, as long as a guy's buying the booze,
a fucking bitch will drink anything.
Come on, dude, we can at least get one shot of Jäger
down these fucking bitches' throats.
After that, we'll see if they get another Jäger shot in them.
You never know.
That could be the shot that puts them past the point of "fuck it."
Then all of a sudden "no guys at the lake house"
turns into a couple of guys at the lake house.
My point exactly.
And I know I can at least get "Shanna Suck-my-banana"
to do a fucking Buttery Nipple shot. What's Julia's sweet shot?
- Key Lime Pie. - Oh, come on, dude.
Even fucking Leroy Brown would do one more for dessert.
Dude, check it out.
I wonder if B.J. brought the bear with him.
Jesus.
Dude fucking cut himself falling out of his time machine.
Hi, could I get a chicken suit for Stroker Ace, please?
# See the hole I shot in his head #
# The high sheriff told the deputy #
# Get your pistols and come with me #
# We got to go arrest a bad man #
# Known as Staggolee... #
# They laid them on the shelf
# If you want that bad man Staggolee #
# You'll have to arrest him yourself
# The high sheriff asked the bartender... #
And where did you two disappear to?
I had to get something out of the car,
and Nate was gentlemanly enough to escort me with his umbrella.
Ah, good for you, Nate.
You see that pretty girl sitting by herself at the bar?
Who, the dirty hippie?
Meow. She's not a hippie.
She might as well be a hippie.
Thank you, Timmy boy.
Well, do you know what just happened to her?
No, but I know she's a skinny, fake, blonde bitch.
Oh, I'm sorry. You were telling a story?
What about her?
Hey, Warren!
Is there anybody you could vouch for to give me a ride home?
Fair lady, your chariot awaits.
You've been eavesdropping?
There's eavesdropping and "can't help but hear."
I think I belong in the latter category.
So, uh, Icy Hot.
You're offering me a ride home?
I'm offering you a lift if when I'm ready to leave, you are, too.
And when are you thinking about leaving?
Truthfully, I'm not thinking about it.
But when I do, you will be the first to know.
Will you be able to, uh, drive later?
I know looks can be deceiving.
But I'm a teetotaler.
I've been drinking club soda and lime all night,
and now I'm building up to my big drink.
- Which is what? - Virgin piña colada.
Okay. Why would someone who doesn't drink
spend hours at a bar drinking water?
You know, a bar offers all kind of things other than alcohol.
Mmm. Really?
Like what?
Women.
Nacho grande platters.
The fellowship of some fascinating individuals,
like Warren here.
Alcohol is just a lubricant
for all the individual encounters that a barroom offers.
Ooh. Is that cowboy wisdom?
I'm not a cowboy, Pam.
I'm a stuntman.
But that's a very easy mistake to make.
How do you know my name?
When you were talking with Warren...
couldn't help but overhear.
Fair enough.
So what's your name, Icy?
Stuntman Mike.
Stuntman Mike's your name?
Tsk. You ask anybody.
Hey, Warren.
Who is this guy?
Stuntman Mike.
And who the hell is Stuntman Mike?
He's a stuntman.
Warren! Six shots of Wild Turkey!
# I' ve just got to know #
# Should I go leave #
# And find somebody else #
# You know I stood yesterday #
Yeah!
Let's do 'em!
Salud.
Down the snatch.
You know, Pam, I think it's time for my big drink.
Well, Stuntman Mike, since I have a tab here,
can I buy you that virgin piña colada?
Thank you, Pam. That'd be lovely.
Warren!
A, uh, virgin piña colada for my stuntman friend
and I'll have another Cadillac Cabo Wabo margarita.
Cabo Wabo, virgin.
# People, I've been misled #
# And I've been afraid #
# I've been hit in the head #
# And left for days #
# I've been abused #
# And I've been accused #
# I've been refused #
# A piece of bread... #
- Ah! - Hey, if it ain't Lanna-Frank.
Mwah.
- Hey, baby. - How are you?
- # In my life before # - Hey, what's up?
Hey!
Hey, what's shakin', bacon?
Hey.
# Go wrong as I do today #
- # I want you to stop... # - Well, let's scootch over, now.
It's about fucking time.
Well, beggars can't be choosers.
Take a picture. It lasts longer.
What?
That table.
Seems to keep, um, getting your attention.
Is that the girl from the billboard outside?
Yep.
She sure is a striking-looking woman.
It's got gin, tequila, Jäger...
Look at that hair.
Lots of leave-in conditioner.
Is that jealousy I detect?
Hardly. But if you want to get with, uh, Jungle Julia,
there's a real easy way to do that.
Really, what would that be?
Get famous. You won't have to find her... she'll find you.
And you don't even want to know what she did for that billboard.
Enjoy it, cocksucker.
You've earned it.
What did she ever do to you?
We went to school together from kindergarten through high school.
That's what she did to me.
She was her height right now at 12.
She was a monster.
Half the guys she still fucks she used to terrorize in the fifth grade.
And she used to beat you up and take your chocolate milk, huh?
That pituitary case?
Might have kicked my ass a couple of times...
sorry, I'm built like a girl, not a black man...
but I'd die before I ever gave Julia Lucai my chocolate milk.
Hey! Are you famous or somethin'?
Or somethin'.
No, no, no. Really.
Hey, what do... what do you do?
Really?
What I do is work my ass off to get my own record label off the ground,
but why that girl wanted a picture of me is because I'm a local D.J.
Wait a minute.
You've got a billboard by Big Kahuna Burger, don't you?
Yeah.
I got one there, too, Zatoichi.
Yeah.
Jungle Julia Lucai.
Stuntman Mike McKay.
Well.
Good to meet you, Stuntman Mike.
My friends and I are going to continue to get our weed on.
Would you care for some?
Thank you, Julia,
but just the same... no thanks.
- Suit yourself. - But you know...
Oh, shit.
Ah! My God.
Sorry. It's nothing.
What the fuck was that?
You got some voucher here.
I asked him what movies you worked on.
No fuckin' clue.
Well, technically I really don't know if he's ever done anything for sure.
I mean, he shows me an episode of High Chaparral,
a guy falls off a horse,
he says it's him.
You know the show The Virginian?
Yeah, well, there was another actor on that show, Gary Clarke,
and I looked like him a bit...
well, obviously before I cut myself shaving.
Tsk. Aww, I like it.
Well, damn, if you ain't so sweet you make sugar taste just like salt.
Anyway, I did a lot of Virginians doubling Gary Clarke.
And, uh... then that show turned into The Men of Shiloh,
they brought on Lee Majors, and I doubled him.
From that point on I specialized mostly in car stunts.
Yeah, I did damn near the whole third season of Vega$.
I was Robert Urich's driving double.
And then Bob did another show, Gavilan.
and he brought me with him on that, till...
And after that...
Do you know any of these shows or people I'm talkin' about?
Sorry.
- No? - Mm-mm.
No, no.
So how exactly does one become a stuntman, Stuntman Mike?
Well, in Hollywood, anybody fool enough to throw himself down a flight of stairs
can usually find somebody to pay him for it.
But really I got into the business the way most people get into the stunt business.
How's that?
- My brother got me in it. - Well, who's your brother?
Stuntman Bob.
I'm ready to blaze!
Finally, yeah. You need to catch up with us.
- Now the party can start. - Yep.
Anywho, I'm sorry. You forgive me?
But you have to be real nice to me for the whole rest of the time I'm here.
Promise. You ready to go to the lake?
Mm-hmm.
- How about your friend, bring him? - I thought no boys.
If you really want him to come, Shanna won't mind.
So how about it? Boys or just us girls?
Mmm, us girls.
Good idea.
Ladies?
Thanks.
Cheers, Butterfly.
"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep...
"And I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
Did you hear me, Butterfly?
"Miles to go before you sleep."
Sorry, Stuntman Burt...
Mike.
She already broke off that dance.
Is that true?
Did I miss my chance?
Do I frighten you?
Is it my scar?
It's your car.
Ah, yeah, I know.
Sorry.
It's my mom's car.
Have you been following us?
No, but that's what I love about Austin...
it's just so damn small.
- You've seen this guy before? - I saw him outside of Guero's.
And I saw you outside Guero's, too.
You saw my car, I saw your legs.
Now, look, I ain't stalking y'all, but I didn't say I wasn't a wolf.
So you really weren't following us?
I'm not following you, Butterfly. I just... got lucky.
So, how about that lap dance?
Sorry, it was a one-time only offer,
and she did it earlier this evening at Antone's.
- No, she didn't. - How do you know?
I'm good that way.
- Tsk. And you look a little touchéd. - What's "touchéd"?
Wounded, slightly.
Why should I be wounded?
Because you expected guys to be pestering you all night,
but from your look I can tell nobody pestered you at all.
That kind of hurt your feelings a little bit, didn't it?
There are few things as fetching as a bruised ego on a beautiful angel.
So...
How about that lap dance?
I think I'm going to have to give you a rain check.
Well, since you'll be leaving in the next couple of days,
that rain check'll be worthless.
But that's okay.
I understand if I make you uncomfortable.
You're still a nice girl.
And I still like you.
But I must warn you of something.
You know how people say,
"You're okay in my book,"
or, "In my book, that's no good."
Well, I actually have a book.
And everybody I ever meet goes in this book.
And now I've met you, and you're goin' in the book.
Except...
I'm afraid I must file you...
under...
"Chicken Shit."
And what if I did it?
Well, I definitely couldn't file you under "Chicken Shit,"
then, now, could I?
What's your name again?
- Stuntman Mike. - Well, Stuntman Mike...
I'm Butterfly.
My friend Jungle Julia over here says that jukebox inside is pretty impressive.
Yeah, it is.
Yeah.
Well, why don't you go get ready for your lap dance?
What about "kind of cute, kind of hot, kind of sexy,
"hysterically funny but not funny-looking guy
who you could fuck" did you not understand?
# Aah, aah #
# Now, down in Mexicali #
# There's a pretty little place that I love #
# Where the drinks are hotter than the chili sauce #
# And the boss is a cat named Joe #
# He wears a red bandanna #
# Plays a cool piano #
# In a honky-tonk down in Mexico #
# He wears a purple sash #
# And a black moustache #
# In a honky-tonk down in Mexico #
# Well #
# The first time that I saw him #
# He was a-sitting on a piano stool #
# I said, "Tell me, then, when does the fun begin?" #
# He just winked his eye and said, "Man, be cool" #
# He wears a red bandanna #
# Plays a blues piano #
# In a honky-tonk down in Mexico #
# He wears a purple sash #
# And a black moustache #
# In a honky-tonk down in Mexico #
# In Mexico #
# All of a sudden, in walks a chick #
# In Mexico #
# Joe starts playing on a Latin kick #
# In Mexico #
# Around her waist she wore three fishnets #
# In Mexico #
# She started dancing with the castanets #
# In Mexico #
# I didn't know just what to expect #
# In Mexico #
# She threw her arms around my neck #
# In Mexico #
# We started dancing all around the floor #
# In Mexico #
# And then she did a dance I never saw before #
# So if you're south of the border #
# I mean a-down in a-Mexico #
# And you wanna get straight, man, don't hesitate #
# Just look up a cat named Joe #
# He wears a red bandanna #
# Plays a blues piano #
# In a honky-tonk down in Mexico #
# He wears a purple sash #
# And a black moustache #
# In a honky... #
I'm driving.
We're gonna go somewhere else, gonna go hang out.
Ready to go?
Yeah.
- Bye. Bye.
I think you got Mike laid tonight.
Lookin' good, Cannonball Run!
He's just giving me a ride.
Oh, no doubt.
Have a nice ride!
Look, double fucks.
I am not gonna fuck him.
I can hear you.
- He's old enough to be my dad. - I can still hear you.
Bye.
Bye-bye!
Wow, that's fucking scary.
Yeah, well, I wanted it to be impressive and...
scary tends to impress.
Is it safe?
No, it's better than safe.
It's death-proof.
How do you make a car death-proof?
Well, that's what stuntmen do.
You've seen a movie where a car gets into some smash-up
there ain't no way in hell anybody's walking away from?
Yeah.
Well, how do you think they accomplish that?
CGI?
Well, unfortunately, Pam, nowadays more often than not, you're right.
Tsk. But back in the all-or-nothin' days...
Vanishing Point days, the Dirty Mary Crazy Larry days,
the White Line Fever days...
real cars smashing into real cars.
Real dumb people driving 'em.
So, give the stunt team the car you want to smash up,
they take her and reinforce that fucker everywhere and...
Voila!
You got yourself a death-proof automobile.
That makes sense. I just didn't know you could make a car death-proof.
Well, I can drive this baby into a brick wall doing 125 miles an hour.
Just for the experience.
Why is your passenger seat in a box?
Well, this is a movie car.
Sometimes when you're shootin' a crash, director wants to put a camera in the car...
you know, shoot the crash from the inside.
That's where you put the camera. They call it a "crash box."
There you go.
You know, when you asked to drive me home,
you didn't mention your car didn't have a passenger seat.
Yeah, well, actually, I didn't ask to drive you home.
You asked me for a ride, and I said, "Yes."
But look at the bright side, Pam...
I won't be gettin' fresh, putting my hand on your knee.
That is a bright side.
I thought so.
Well, Pam...
which way are you going?
- Left or right? - Right.
Ah, that's too bad.
Why?
Well, because it was a 50/50 shot on whether you 'd be going left or right.
You see, we're both going left.
You could have just as easily been going left, too,
and if that was the case,
it would have been a while before you started getting scared.
But since you're going the other way,
I'm afraid...
you're gonna have to start getting scared...
immediately.
What the fuck?!
Cocksucking motherfucker!
Just fucking let me out of here!
I'll fucking rip your fucking...
Stop the fucking car!
Why are you being such a shit?
Okay.
Here's the thing.
I get it.
I... I know it's a joke, and super funny.
Um, but if you just stop right now,
you know, and... and let me out,
I'll never tell anybody because I know it's a joke.
I know all about jokes.
Ha ha ha!
I promise everything'll be fine.
Just... just... just let me out.
Please?
- And... and... and... - Hey, Pam!
Remember when I said this car was death proof?
Well, that wasn't a lie.
This car is 100% death proof.
Only to get the benefit of it, honey...
you really need to be sittin' in my seat.
Now I gotta catch me my other girlfriends.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich.
So, you got it?
Thanks, honey. You're gonna play it next song, right?
Good boy.
Growl!
Bye-bye.
Who do you want to hear?
Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Tich.
Who?
Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Tich.
Who the fuck are they?
For your information, Pete Townshend, at one point,
almost quit The Who, and if he had,
he would have ended up in this group,
thus making it Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, Tich, and Pete.
And if you ask me, he should have.
That's my boy!
# Hold tight, count to three #
# Gotta stay close by me #
# And hold tight, sing and shout #
# Just ride my roundabout #
# And hold tight, shut your eyes #
# Girl, you suit me for size... #
# Forget the other guys #
# You'll never fall each time you call #
# Hold tight, hold tight #
# Hold tight... #
# Hold tight, make me feel, what you say is for real #
# And hold tight, carousel #
# Girl, you'll soon ring my bell #
# And hold tight, we will fly #
# Swinging low, swinging high... #
# We're gonna make the sky #
# You'll never fall #
I want to hear this part of the song louder!
Do you remember anything?
Uh... I... I don't remember.
Doctor Block.
Self-restraints to Room 310.
Well. What's the patient's prognosis, Dr. Block?
I don't really see it's any of your business.
Come on now, Sis.
You just tell us.
How bad is he?
He got banged up real good.
Busted nose, broken collarbone, smashed up his left index finger.
Is that it?
He was real lucky.
That'll be all?
Well, that's more than enough, and I wanna thank you, Dr. Block.
Son of a bitch.
So, Pop.
What do you think?
Well, Son Number One,
what I think is so goddamn ghoulish I hesitate to speak it out loud.
Well, give it a shot.
Well, what we have here is a case of vehicular homicide.
That ol' boy in there murdered them pretty little gals.
I mean, he used a car, not a hatchet, but they're dead just the same.
Well, what are you gonna do?
Not a goddamn thing.
D.A. says there ain't no crime here.
Every one of them gals was swimming in alcohol and floatin' on weed,
and old Hooper in there came out clean as a whistle.
Now, you actually think that he premeditatively murdered them gals?
Well, I can't prove it.
But since thinkin' don't cost nothin', I can think it, and I do.
Yeah, but Pop, he got pretty banged up himself.
Well, hell yeah, he got banged up, but goddamn...
I mean, them pretty little gals in there look like a goddamn giant
chewed 'em up and spit 'em out.
Did any of 'em survive?
Shit.
Two tons of metal, 200 miles an hour,
flesh and bone and plain old Newton...
they all princess died.
Why?
Well, I'd guesstimate it's a sex thing.
The only way I can figure it.
High-velocity impact, twisted metal, busted glass,
all four souls taken exactly the same time.
Probably the only way that diabolical degenerate can shoot his goo.
Yeah, I think the only thing we can dream of getting that bastard on
is vehicular manslaughter for the hitchhiker in the death box.
That was just plain old, goddamn reckless endangerment.
But I got me a goddamn bartender
gonna testify that ol' Stuntman Mike didn't drink a drop all night.
And his passenger was left stranded by her date,
in the goddamn rain, no less, and she asked him for the fucking ride.
Now, on paper, this is gonna look like he was just trying to help her out.
I mean, that's the way the jury's gonna see it.
So, what are you gonna do, Pop?
Tsk.
Well, I could take it upon myself to work the case,
Search for evidence, you know, prove my theory.
Alert authorities.
Dog that rotten son of a bitch... wherever he goes, I go.
Or I could spend the same goddamn amount of time and energy
following the NASCAR circuit.
Hmm. I've thought about it a lot.
I think I'd have a hell of a lot happier life if I did the latter.
And just because I can't
punish Old Frankenstein in there for what he's done,
I'm gonna tell you like the Lord told John...
if he ever does it again,
I can make goddamn sure he don't do it in Texas.
# You know you're sliding down #
# Against your heart #
# Yeah, you got one #
# Just close your eyes #
# So you can see #
# No, baby, I don 't care #
# What they say, it's so easy #
# No, baby, I don 't care #
# What they say, it's so easy #
# Yeah, it's comin' on #
# It's getting sweeter #
# And sweeter #
# If you're gonna drown #
# Then do it the right way #
# The right way #
# I don't care what they say, it's so easy #
# I don't care what they say, it's so... #
Are you on the same floor as him? No, he's on the fourth.
- And who's in whose room? - He's in mine.
And so what happened then?
We made out for about ten minutes, and then I sent him off to his room.
- So how's the Rock as a kisser? - Mm, he's damn good.
He's got them mushy lips, smooth fingertips.
Mm, I love them mushy lips.
He's a big guy, so he spins me around so my back is up against him,
takes his big hand and puts it on my throat,
tilts my head back and leans over me, kisses me from behind.
Damn, that sounds sexy!
It was sexy.
But then that was it? You sent him off? How'd he take it?
Wait a minute, what are we doing here?
If I'm gonna power through and pick up Zoë at the airport, I need coffee.
Since you're getting that, can you get some more vodka and sugar-free Red Bull?
We didn't know you were awake.
I'm not awake. I'm asleep.
But get some more vodka and some sugar-free Red Bull anyway.
And some Red Apple Tans.
Damn, I didn't stop to get you bitches groceries.
- You remember how to get to the airport? Uh-huh.
Then you should get behind the wheel, 'cause you gonna drive.
Motherfuckers.
They ain't got sugar-free Red Bull.
They got regular Red Bull and sugar-free G.O. juice.
G.O. G.O.!
# It's not the way you kiss that says you're mine #
# Many, many, many nights go by #
# I sit alone at home and cry over you #
# What can I do #
# Don't want nobody, nobody #
# 'Cause, baby, it's you #
# Is it true what they say #
# All about you #
# They say you'll never ever never be true #
# It doesn't matter what they say #
# I know I'm gonna love you any old way #
# What would I do #
# Without you #
# I don't want nobody... #
Where the hell are my keys? Here they are.
Sorry, I didn't mean to give you a concert there.
No, it wasn't you.
That guy bumped into my feet when he walked by.
I don't know why, but that kind of creeped me out.
# I don't care what they saying to me #
Little dick.
Clearly.
Since I'm up, I might as well hit the ATM.
Get me a fuckin' smoke.
What?
Did you just see the...
What?
Nothing, honey.
Y'ello.
It's me.
Miss me?
You best get your ass off Kim's car.
- I've seen Kim sit on it before. - Her ass ain't your ass.
Okay. So, I think I'm in this month's issue of Allure.
You got Allure?
Magazines by the window.
Here you are!
You hot mama, you.
See you in a second.
$3.85... out of 20.
And you get 16 and change back. Thank you very much.
You know, I got other fashion magazines for sale behind the counter.
No, that's okay. This'll be all.
Thought I'd ask.
- Thanks anyway. - Have a good one.
I got this month's issue of Italian Vogue.
This month's?
Listen to this.
The Circle A clerk has this month's issue of Italian Vogue.
- No way. - Way!
I can't believe fuckin' Circle A carries Italian Vogue.
It doesn't. It's his own personal copy.
He'll let it go for 27 bucks.
27 bucks?
What the fuck do you care? We're talking about per diem here.
We found an issue of Italian Vogue in Lebanon, Tennessee.
We're lucky he's not asking for fuckin' Krugerrands.
I'm getting it, and we're splitting it three ways.
What, me, you, and Kim?
Kim doesn't give a shit about Italian Vogue.
but Brandy'll come in with us, and if she won't, Tisla, her sister, will.
Okay, but if anybody tears out any sheets I want,
you gotta make color Xeroxes of those pages, and I'm not talking Kinko's.
You take it to the art department and have them do it fuckin' right.
Whoo!
Oh, my God!
Got it!
...the actress...
Oh, boy.
Your timing couldn't be better, Zoë.
It just so happens we're all three off-duty for the next three days.
Fuckin' hell! How does that happen?
I'm doing Lindsay Lohan's makeup, and she's off for the next three days.
There's no stunts being filmed during that time so Kim's free,
and Lee's on a will-notify for the four days.
So how's the shoot going?
Great. We're having the best time.
The director, Cecil Evans, is so fun.
We're making the coolest movie and partying all the time.
Hell, yeah. The next job after this one is definitely gonna suck.
So let's hear it, ladies.
Set romances! Who's getting it off?
That would be Lee and Toolbox.
Oh, Toolbox! Name sounds promising.
- He's a grip. - What he is is a pervert.
Well, he just keeps sounding better and better.
What's his perversion?
He likes to watch me pee.
# Lee is sitting on a toilet and Toolbox is watching her pee #
# P-I-S-S-I-N-G #
Ooh!
Yeah, but not no more.
Now she's getting it on with the Rock.
You had a one-off with the Rock?
Well, not the real Rock. He's this electrician named Bruce.
He looks like the Rock, so we all just call him the Rock.
Oh, yeah, this is an all-star crew.
We got a guy who looks like Nic Cage and Pee Wee Herman, too.
Kim, dick department. Let's hear it!
Mm-mmm, no dick this trip. I got a man.
- How long have you had this boyfriend? - About three months.
Who'd you steal him from?
Nobody!
Kim! - Wha... what?
He totally had a girlfriend.
All of Kim's boyfriends start out as somebody else's boyfriend.
I did not steal him!
I didn't steal any of them; they just... jumped ship.
- So what's your story, Abernathy? - Oh, Abbie's got the big Kahuna.
I had a set crush on Cecil.
Set crush? Nigga, please. You were his set wife!
"Were" and "had" being the key words, here.
Bitch, you two are still into each other and you know it.
Yeah, well, if he's so in love with me, why did he fuck Darryl Hannah's stand-in?
Yes, men are dogs. Oh, it's so funny!
Stop acting all hurt. Your ass just mad.
Yeah, he's a stand-in fucker.
You need to get over that shit. That was two weeks ago.
Oh, well, now you put it like that...
Oh, I haven't told you the best part.
He fucked her on my birthday.
Oh, that's a horse of a different color.
- Thank you. - Did he know it was your birthday?
I mean, he's the director. He's kind of busy.
He ate a piece of my birthday cake, and he got me a present.
- Wow. - Yeah... I think he knew.
What did he get you?
He made me a tape.
He made you a tape?
Wait, he didn't burn you a CD?
He made you a tape?
- Yeah. - Oh, that is so romantic!
Yes, I know what you're gonna say, so don't even go there.
This sounds like the test of true love to me.
Look, I know you guys like him. He's likeable.
But he fucked another woman on my birthday.
How can you not be on my side?
I admit, that sounds bad.
It is bad!
It just sounds like there's a little more to it than that.
Were you two fucking?
Hell, no.
Hello, is your name Abernathy?
Sorry.
The answer to your question is no, of course not.
What do you mean "No, of course not"?
The reason Cecil hasn't had a girlfriend in six years
is because girls will fuck him, and if you fuck Cecil,
you don't become one of his girlfriends...
not to say I want to be his girlfriend,
but if I did want to be his girlfriend, if I fucked him, I wouldn't be.
I'd be one of his regulars, and I'm getting too fuckin' old for that shit.
- Have you let him do anything? - Yes!
I've let him give me a foot massage,
and when we go to the movies, I've let him hold my hand.
Bitch, you might be actin' like you 12 years old,
but he just acting like a man.
You need to break that nigga off a piece.
Let me get this straight...
you're not fucking him, you're not sucking him,
you're not giving him any tongue, but Darryl Hannah's stand-in is?
Can we just take my sex life off the table?
Actually, it was Cecil's sex life that was on the table...
and your lack of one.
Fuck both of you and your little high-five.
Before you can claim a nigga, you got to claim a nigga,
and you can start by giving that motherfucker a hand job
in the back of the van on Tuesday.
I'm not gonna do that!
I know you won't! But you know who will...
the bitch that ends up living in that big-ass mansion of his.
I haven't entirely agreed with everything Kim's said,
but it is true if you've stretched it out like you have with Cecil
and you suddenly get dirty on them, it blows their mind.
So Zoë, Kim, and I are in the Philippines at an outdoor rave.
What were you working on? - Three Kicks to the Head. Part Three.
And, admittedly, we're a little fucked up.
Cheers to that. - Word.
Cheers.
So Zoë...
the genius, wants to take a picture of me.
It's dark as hell, and you can't see shit.
So she's got her camera and keeps saying, "Step back a little!"
So I do.
Then "A little fu-ther!"
So I step back a little fu-ther. Then "A little more!" So I do.
Then I realize I'm at the edge of a seven-foot concrete ditch...
...with God knows how many rocks
and broken bottles and rats in it, and if I fell in that fucking thing,
I probably would have broken my neck.
So I am yelling at her: "Zoë, you almost killed me!"
So we laugh about it and walk a little further,
and Zoë starts fuckin' around.
And... bam! ...if she doesn't fall in the fucking ditch!
Nice.
Thank you. Yep. Thank you.
I remember taking a step and looking down,
just as I'm thinking, "There's that ditch Abbie was talking about."
Bam! I'm in the fucking ditch, you know.
What happened?
What, with Zoë, the cat?
Nothing.
If I fell in that fuckin' thing, they would have had to helicopter me out of there.
Zoë just lands on her feet.
But then later I started feeling a little bad about myself...
Zoë falls in the ditch and it's nothing. We're laughing about it.
If I fell in that fucking thing, I probably would have been paralyzed.
Oh, honey, you can't think like that.
We all have our individual talents, and that just happens to be one of Zoë's.
Well, physically speaking, Zoë is amazing.
I mean, agility, reflexes, nimbleness?
There's few human beings that can fuck with Zoë on that front.
Kim, I like you too.
Having said that, before you get too envious of Zoë's prowess,
you 're missing the most important part of that story.
You didn't fall in the ditch. Zoë did.
Zoë even knew there was a ditch there because you told her,
and she still fell in.
So Lee's right. We all have our talents.
Hey, I resemble that remark.
So Kim, you still pack a Roscoe?
Check it out, bitch.
- Ooh, nice one, mate. - I know this.
What's a Roscoe?
Roscoe's a pistol.
- You carry a gun? - Uh-huh.
You have a license to carry?
Yeah, when I became a Secret Service agent, they gave me a license.
Oh, I didn't know you were...
Okay, I didn't say it, all right? Stop looking at me. God.
Did you know Kim carried a gun?
Yes. Now, do I approve? No.
Do I know? Yes.
Look, I don't know what futuristic utopia you live in,
but the world I live in, a bitch need a gun.
You can't get around the fact that people who carry guns
tend to get shot more than people who don't.
And you can't get around the fact that if I go down to the laundry room
at midnight enough times, I might get my ass raped.
Don't do your laundry at midnight.
Fuck that! I wanna do my laundry whenever the fuck I want to.
There are other things you can carry other than a gun. Pepper spray.
Uh, motherfucker trying to rape me, I don't want to give him a skin rash.
I wanna shut that nigga down!
How about a knife, at least?
Yeah, you know what happens to motherfuckers carry knives?
They get shot!
If I ever become a famous actress, I won't carry a gun.
I'll hire me a do-dirt nigga and he'll carry the gun, and when shit goes down,
I'll sit back and laugh, but until that day, it's Wild West.
So Zoë, you thought about what you want to do first?
It just so happens I know exactly what I want to do.
Oh, really? And what would that be?
To me, there's no point in being in America unless you can drive a Detroit muscle car.
I wanna drive a Dodge Challenger... fuck me swinging, balls out.
Well, I guess we could talk to Transpo,
but does it have to be a Dodge Challenger?
Not just that. It has to be a 1970 Dodge Challenger with a 440 engine.
How in the fuck do you expect to do that?
No worries, mate.
I've got it all worked out.
When I knew I was coming here, I went online and found out
that the local paper here in Tennessee is the Lebanon News Sentinel.
- So back home... - I'm sorry, where's home? Australia?
What do you mean by that, mate?
Zoë's from New Zealand, and you never...
I repeat, never... call a Kiwi an Aussie.
That is, unless you want your ass kicked.
I'm so sorry. I will nev...
Oh, it's okay.
We're just taking the piss out of you, mate.
Auckland, to answer your question.
Anyway, I subscribed to the local paper a month ago.
Why the fuck you want a local redneck newspaper in New Zealand?
Pipe down and I'll tell you.
I've been getting the paper and checking the classifieds,
looking at cars for sale,
so as of yesterday, for sale in this town,
some dude is selling a stock 1970 Dodge Challenger
with a 440 engine and a white paint job.
And you wanna buy it?
Kim, I may be stupid, but I'm not bloody stupid.
I wanna say I wanna buy it so he'll let me test-drive it.
A 1970 Dodge Challenger with a white paint job?
Oh, uh, Kowalski!
Kowalski from Vanishing Point. Mate, it's a fucking classic!
If I can get this guy
to let me drive it without him, I will blow the doors off that bitch.
What's Vanishing Point?
Abs, I'm supposed to be the illiterate one.
It's just one of the best American movies ever made.
Actually, Zoë, most girls wouldn't know Vanishing Point.
Excuse me. Most girls? What the fuck are you two?
Yeah, well, we're gearheads. Of course we watched it.
Y'all grew up watching that Pretty in Pink shit.
Oh, I liked Pretty in Pink.
What, so you didn't watch John Hughes movies?
Of course I did. I'm a girl. But I also watched car shit, too...
Vanishing Point. Dirty Mary Crazy Larry.
- Gone in 60 Seconds... - Oh...
The real one, not that Angelina Jolie bullshit.
We have an outdoor theater in Auckland that plays Vanishing Point.
Big Wednesday, all the classics.
What do you horny gals want?
Yeah, you got a 1970 Dodge Challenger for sale?
Right up here, ladies.
This shit is off the fuckin' hook!
Fuckin' legendary, mate.
Sweet ass. Well, if you 'll excuse me, I'd like to have a word with my associate.
You ladies take your time.
What are you waiting for? Ask him to let you drive it by yourself.
I intend to, but first I need to ask you something.
What?
If he lets us take it out on our own, I wanna play Ship's Mast.
- Oh, hell, no! - Keep it down!
Ain't no way I'm doing Ship's Mast.
- For Chrissakes... - Don't blaspheme.
Sorry.
Now, what did you say after the last time?
- Look, I know what I said. - What did you say?
- I know I said we shouldn't... - No.
You didn't say we shouldn't. You said we ain't ever gonna do that again.
- But... - But, my ass!
You said not only are we never gonna play Ship's Mast again,
but you also said if you ever do what you trying to do now,
to not only refuse, but that I had permission to physically restrain your ass if necessary.
Now, did you or did you not say that?
No, no, no. Answer the question, motherfucker.
- Did you or did you not say that? - Yes, I said that.
- However... - Whatever with your "however."
Look, I know I said it, and I know I meant it...
Damn skippy you meant it!
But when I said it, I didn't mean in America!
- Oh, nigga, please. - For real. Really.
I meant we should never play Ship's Mast again in New Zealand or Australia.
You are such a liar!
I know what I said, but when I said it I didn't know I'd ever come to America,
and if I had of known I was gonna come to America,
had the opportunity to play Ship's Mast on the Vanishing Point Challenger...
I would have added a "however."
Right?
Okay, oddly enough, I actually understood that.
However, just because you talked yourself into some stupid shit
doesn't mean I have lost my goddamn mind.
You need two people to play Ship's Mast, and I ain't playing.
I'll be your best friend.
I don't need me no best friend lives on the other side of Planet Earth.
I'll crack your back.
You'll crack it anyway.
Well, of course I'll crack it anyway.
But now, while I'm here, I'll be your back-cracking slave.
Whenever you want it, you've got it. You don't even have to ask.
You just order me to do it, just be like, "Bitch, get over here and get busy."
You crack my back, give me foot massages, and after a shower, you moisturize my butt.
Deal.
We're gonna see if this guy'll let us take the car out without him.
If he does, you wait here with Lee and we'll be back in a moment.
What?
- I said we're gonna see if this guy'll let... - I heard what you said.
I just can't believe what you said.
You two got some fuckin' balls.
What?
Don't play dumbass with me.
I've been up all night, I'm still a little drunk, and I have a hangover.
I should be in my hotel room, asleep, not fuckin' around on Tobacco Road,
but because Zoë wanted to drive some Vanishing Point car, I'm here.
Now you two got the balls to ask me... no, scratch that... tell me
I gotta go make conversation with Tom Joad while the cool kids get to go out and play?
Bullshit on that.
- It ain't like that. - What's it like, Kim?
You guys are our collateral. He's never gonna go for it if we all go.
I really think one human being will be collateral enough.
You're not gonna want to do what we're doing.
What, drive a car?
We're doing more than that.
What, drive it fast?
We're doing more than that.
Actually, we're paying you a compliment, 'cause we gonna do some stupid shit.
But that's okay. We're stunt people. We ain't got good sense.
But you got good sense, and anybody with good sense
- ain't gonna want to do what we're doing. - How do you know?
'Cause you're a mum.
Yeah.
You know, we're supposed to be this big posse,
but that's the excuse you guys use whenever you want to exclude me,
so what is it you two daredevils are doing
that I'm just so uncool I couldn't possibly understand?
You know, we're kind of conning this guy,
so maybe it's best if we don't go into detail about it while he's watching us.
Besides...
he's probably not gonna let us do it, anyway.
Okay, how about this?
I'll talk him into it, but I go along.
- How you gonna do that? - That's my problem.
But don't worry.
He'll say yes.
What are you gonna do, blow him?
No.
I'm gonna insinuate that Lee's gonna blow him.
That's a good one.
Not really.
But let me handle it. We got a deal?
Okay, Mama, listen up.
You wanna hang with the cool kids? You got to be cool.
We take you along, you don't say shit. You don't even say crap.
You just sit in the back, and I don't want to hear a peep, you understand?
- Got it. - I'm serious, now.
You start nagging us, we pulling over, kicking you out, and picking you up later.
Agreed.
Okay. Go work your magic.
- Hello, sir. - Hello.
- Hello, what's your name? - Jasper.
Hello, Jasper, I'm Abernathy.
- Aber what? - Abernathy.
- What's your first name? - That is my first name.
- What kind of first name is that? - Just call me Abbie.
Okay, Abbie.
Jasper, we were wondering if my friends and I could take the car out
for a little test drive out on our own, just to see if we're comfortable.
Why would I do something stupid like that?
To better sell your automobile.
How do I know y'all ain't just gonna steal it?
Four reasons, actually.
One, we're not thieves, two, that would be rude,
three, we're staying at the Days Inn in town...
you can call, check with management. We're registered for the next month.
Actually, Zoë's not, but Kim and I are, so we're totally track-downable.
Who's Kim? The colored girl?
Yes. Kim would be the girl of color.
And reason number four... and the most important:
while we're taking the car out for a little spin,
that'll give you a better opportunity to get acquainted with our other friend...
Lee.
Why does she look kind of familiar?
That would be because she's a famous actress.
Hmm.
Why's she dressed like that?
Well, you see, we're making a Hollywood movie in town,
and it's a cheerleader movie, and she's one of the cheerleaders.
What's a cheerleader movie?
A movie about cheerleaders.
Is it a porno movie?
Yes, it is, but don't mention it. She's shy.
Lee, this is Jasper. Jasper, Lee.
Now, you two kids stay out of trouble.
Hey, good-looking. Be back to pick you up later.
Ta-ta!
Gulp.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
I think I'm thinking it.
What are you and you thinking?
I'm thinking we told your ass to shut the fuck up.
- Where y'all going? - You stay put.
I gotta take a...
So, you ready to do this?
You sure?
Well, I always don't want to do it right before I'm gonna do it.
I know what you mean, 'cause I don't wanna do it.
Kim!
- I'm just saying. - If you 're gonna take the piss out of it...
I'm just saying.
You wanna start out on top?
Practically doesn't count if you start on the top.
Here are your gloves.
No, no, no, no. I'm wearing a jacket.
This is my jacket.
Um, ain't you supposed to be my slave or some shit?
- Come on. - I'm the one who's on the bonnet.
Bonnet, my ass. You on the hood.
Y'all, I think I hear a car coming.
Give me your belt.
This is my cute shit. Fuck that. Get Abernathy's belt.
Fine, we'll use Abbie's belt.
- Give me your belt. - No. Prada.
Come on, give her the belt.
- Magic word. - Please give her the belt?
Just 'cause you asked nicely.
It's nice to be nice, Kim!
Whatever.
You know what? Don't think about asking me to do your hair.
- Your ass gonna do it. - You'll ask "pretty please," bitch,
because that's what you do when no one else is looking. You ain't that hard.
- I ain't getting... - Abernathy.
Don't get on my nerves right now.
- I got shit on my mind. Ooh!
You know, I ain't six.
It's cold. Can we roll up one of these windows?
KIM and ZOË: No.
Okay, Abernathy. Check this out.
What the fuck are you guys doing?
What does that mean?
Whoa!
Faster, you black bitch! Faster!
That fast enough for your bony ass?
Whoo-hoo!
Whoa ho ho ho!
Oh!
Abernathy, get your ass up here.
Whoa! Whoo-hoo!
Alrighty.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Go, go! Go!
Check it out, bitch. You want it fucking faster?
Whoo-hoo!
Yah hoo hoo!
- Oh, my God. - What the fuck? Shit.
Damn it!
Now.
Did you do something to him? Say something?
Nothing! Shit.
Here he comes, Zoë. He's coming!
Aah!
Shit, oh shit!
No!
Hold on, Zoë!
Oh, my God. Zoë!
- Oh! Hold on! - I can't!
Fuck you, motherfucker!
Zoë! Zoë!
- I'm sorry I called you a black bitch! - I forgive you. Hold the fuck on!
Whoa, whoa, get away!
Oh, shit. I can't see. I can't see!
Zoë, move your leg!
Oh! Come on, come on!
Redneck lunatic bastard! Get away from me!
fucking legs!
Oh, my God.
Shit, I'm scared, Kim. I'm really scared.
I know, baby, just hold on.
Watch your feet!
You wanna get hot?
- Fucking son of a bitch! - You wanna get hot?
Then suck on this for a while, bitch!
Zoë! Goddamn it!
Oh, my God. Get away from us, you cocksucker!
Leave us alone!
Fuck you, motherfucker! Fuck you!
Zoë! Zoë! Oh, Zoë!
Hold on!
Zoë! Zoë!
Look out!
Get ready to fly, bitch.
- Zoë! - Zoë, hold on!
He's right on your fucking ass!
Hey! Whoo-hoo!
Hey, ladies, that was fun.
Well, adios.
Ow! Fuck!
Shit! Fuck!
Run away with your ass!
You better run, motherfucker!
That bitch!
I'm okay!
Oh, shit! Goddamn it!
Oh, you fuckin' bitch!
Of course you are. Of course you are. What was I thinking?
What was I thinking? Zoë, the fucking cat!
Whew. That was a close one.
So, where's the maniac?
I shot him and his punk ass sped off.
You wanna go get him?
Oh, hell yeah!
Honey...
I think you might want to get out.
Fuck that shit.
Let's kill this bastard.
Okay, get your ass in the back. Let's go.
Where the fuck you going?
I'll be back!
This'll smart. Sweet. Let's go.
Oh, fuck yeah, bitch. Come on. Bring that shit.
Giddy-up, then!
Yeah!
God!
Come on! Come on.
Why? Oh, no!
Ah! Do it.
Do it.
Oh, no!
No, no, no!
No, God!
All right, get it together, man.
What did you... what am I... what are you gonna do?
Take him down!
Now where do you think you're going? Fuckin' fuck you!
Where do you think you're fucking going?
What the fuck do you think...
Come here!
Go!
Whoo-hoo!
What's wrong with your ass, motherfucking cocksucker?
Oh, you're gonna wiggle your ass at me, gonna wiggle it at me?
Oh, don't like it up the ass, do you, you redneck lunatic bastard?
Aah!
Oh, yeah, gonna bust a nut up in this bitch right now!
Oh, I'm the horniest motherfucker on the road!
Boo-yah, bitch!
Did you just hit a boat?
Yeah, come on, Kim, get him!
Get that motherfucker!
Forget about the cows, motherfucker! Move, motherfucker, move!
Motherfucker!
I'm 'bout to bust a nut up in this bitch...
Watch it, watch it.
# Tapping that ass tapping that ass #
# Tapping that tapping that tapping... #
Aah!
Bastard.
Oh, you know I can't let you go...
without tapping that ass.
Oh, fuck me!
- One... - Kim?
...more... - Kim?
...time!
Boo-yah!
That's what I'm talking... that's what I'm talking about, bitch!
Oh, come on!
Yah!
Yah ha ha, come on!
Thought you lost us, motherfucker. We back, motherfucker. We back.
Who's laughing now, bitch!
Shit.
Come on!
Here's Cha Cha!
You've been such a lunatic bastard!
I'm sorry!
What?
I didn't mean anything. I was just playing around.
Oh, he was just playing around!
- Just playing! - Well, I ain't playing with you!
Whoa!
Oh, look out, look out, look out.
What's your sign?
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit.
Don't run, don't run, motherfucker, don't run.
This baby's on speed!
Whoa!
- Aah! - Yeah, yeah!
Yeah!
Jesus fucking Christ, it's about time.
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Please don't dead-end.
Please don't dead end.
Please don't dead-end.
Oh, there the motherfucker is.
Go, go, go!
Get him, get him, get him!
Unh!
Oh, help me!
Be careful. My right arm's broken.
This one?
Oh, you want some shit?
Motherfucker, kiss my fucking ass.
Uhn!
Yah!
Mother... fucker!
Motherfucker!
Asshole!