Yo! I'm fixed to tell you how it is in the hood.
Cos in the hood, everybody's a target.
It ain't like that. I'm gonna tell you the real deal what goes on.
See, in the hood, most of us won't reach the age of 21.
- For me? - Yeah.
- For me? - Yeah. Make a wish.
No, Lord! Not my baby! I know you didn't do me wrong!
Oh, my junior! I nursed him with these, Lord!
Not my baby!
This ain't your baby, this ain't your baby.
Ain't that some shit?
I'm gonna tell you what it's really like livin' in the hood.
I moved into my father's house after living at my mom's most of my life.
Tray, I don't want you hangin' out on the streets.
I want you to finish school,
cos without an education the only work you'll get
is selling drugs, pimping women,
or workin' security for Eddie Murphy.
I've done all I can.
I got my education, I worked two jobs to support you.
But I can't teach you how to be a man.
Only your father can do that.
Now, gimme a kiss and be a good boy.
- I love you, Tray. - Love you too, Mom.
So will I see you again?
Sorry, baby.
There ain't no positive black females in these movies.
Sorry!
My father tried his best to give me advice
but he was only a couple of years older than me.
Fool, I told you! I don't want no damn Watch Tower!
- What's up, nigger? - What's up, Pops?
- How you doin', man? How's it goin'? - Oh, man!
Look at you. It's gonna be on.
Look at you, man. Look, you got big, man.
Last time I seen you you was this tall.
They wouldn't let you on the rides at the amusement park.
All good. I was about to eat breakfast. Hungry?
I'm full, man, I had some Red Hots.
Hey, man, come on in.
Allow me. You a guest in my house. Make yourself at home.
Are those your Bos? I'm gonna be sportin' them, man.
It's good to have you in it.
I'm gonna finish gettin' my swallow down right, so have a seat, man.
Make sure your ass is on that plastic.
So we not bumpin' heads, if you're gonna stay, you follow some rules.
Which is no smokin' my shit, drinkin' my shit,
and if you bring any of them hos up in here,
make sure I fuck 'em first.
And you're gonna have some chores.
- Chores? - Right. This ain't no free ride.
Keep track of my Matchbox cars,
organise the damn Sega Genesis cartridges.
I want you to do my homework since you wanna be a smart-ass.
And at night-time, cut the hair on my balls.
Hold up. Can I ask a question, Pop? What you gonna be doin'?
Look, nigger, I ain't got to do nothin'. My mama take care of me.
I know you think I'm bein' hard on you
but I'm tryin' to teach you some responsibility.
You right, Pop.
Hey, could you line me up in the back?
That's gonna run you about $13.
$13? The Spanish dude down the block only charges six.
Take your ass to him and let him fuck your head up.
Nah, I'll let you cut me up.
- Let me ask you a question. - What's up?
- You still a virgin? - Of course.
Well, there was this one dude who rubbed up against my butt one time
but I didn't like it.
I'm talkin' about girls, man.
Oh, girls. Come on, Pop. Now you know I be gettin' mine.
You gettin' it or you gettin' it?
I'm gettin' it.
- I ain't told you about that honey? - What honey?
I met the finest, brown-skinned cutie at the corner market.
She had big breasts and big legs. Her ass was pow!
Ghetto booty.
So I knew she liked me cos we locked eyes.
So I started to get into my Mac Daddy Denzel mode, you know?
I fixed my eyebrows, make sure they were straight.
Fixed my hair, make sure it was slick and greasy.
- Make sure my breath didn't stink... - Get to the fuckin' part!
So anyway...
I went over her house one Sunday morning.
Her moms had just gone to church.
We had the place all to ourself.
So we got to kissin', lickin', slobbin'.
You know, doin' the wild thing.
When we got up there, it was like heaven.
Better than my wildest fantasies.
Well, apparently, her ma must have forgot her purse
cos she came back home.
I guess she could smell the sex in the air.
- I got a surprise for you. - Then things really got freaky.
Before I knew it, the door burst open and there was her mama.
Hold him down, baby! Let Mama have him!
So I grabbed my things and got outta there.
- I sure do hope you got her number. - The girl?
No, her mama. She the freak.
- Don't go up too high in the back. - Don't worry.
We all done. There we go.
I got somethin' to make the girls think you're smellin' good.
All hooked up, partner. Give me my $13.
Give it up! It's a jack move, fool!
Just don't shoot.
Come back here with my truck! Give me that truck back!
Man, you got any spare change?
Sorry, bro, I'm all out, man.
Man, I got these cheeseburgers, man.
- I don't want any cheeseburgers. - Please, man.
I'll suck your dick.
Get outta here, man! Get outta here!
It hurt me to wake up and see my beautiful black people suffer.
Victimised by the oppressive, harsh realities of the hood.
I guess even though we were free, we were still slaves...
in the mind.
Message!
Luckily, I wasn't alone here in the hood.
My cousin Loc Dog lived across the street.
Loc Dog was America's worst nightmare.
Raised with three generations of hopelessness, poverty and profanity.
Loc Dog, turn that loud-ass motherfuckin' music down.
You wakin' up the babies, motherfucker.
This still my house, motherfucker.
Who the fuck is that on my porch?
- Hey, Miss Dog. - Hey, Ashtray.
You come to stay with your daddy for good?
Come on in.
Tell your motherfuckin' daddy I say hello.
Do me a favour. Pass me that shit over there.
- Care for a little soup? - No, thanks. I'm cool.
Is Loc Dog here?
That lazy motherfucker's there doin' nothin'.
- See you later. - All right, then.
Hey, Grandma.
Ashtray, you little bitch-ass motherfucker.
Come over here and give your grandma a hug.
That's my nigger.
You been wearin' them jimmy hats like Grandma gave you?
Yes, ma'am. How are you?
My old stinky ass is fine.
Except for my arthritis in my trigger finger.
- But I can still stick and move. - I bet you can.
The beatin' the police give me didn't slow me down a bit.
Come on, motherfucker,
give me your best shot.
Come on, Grandma. I don't wanna do that.
- Come on, nigger. - Grandma, I don't wanna do that.
Damn, them fake teeth are hard.
Bye-bye.
You still hit like a bitch, motherfucker.
Loc Dog was gonna teach me to survive in the hood, even if it killed me.
Tray, is that you?
You better start announcin' yourself before you get smoked up, nigger.
You know that chronic make me paranoid, baby.
Come here, you old fool dog mark-ass. Give me some love.
- What's up, cuz? - What's up?
That's enough love. I don't play no sentimental shit. Come in.
Quick fashion question.
Should I wear this Tec 9 with the high tops?
Or should I wear this Uzi with my low tops?
I'll just wear these then.
Tray, scoot over. Rumour has it your bitch ass is in town for good.
Yeah, man. Mom says it's time for me to become a man.
Nigger, my mom said the same shit. Sweatin' me.
Yeah, man. I don't care, though.
I told her, I don't wanna be on welfare my whole life, you know.
I got bigger and better plans.
I figure I'll get myself a job at the post office or a bank.
- That's all good. - Work my way up to manager.
We need more black people like this.
Learn the system.
Then I'll rob that motherfucker blind.
Break all yourselves!
Whatever happened to your pops, anyway?
That old mark-ass nigger ran out on us like a biz-nitch.
You know, it's...
it was kinda tough...
caught up in a hood without...
without a positive male role model to look up to.
Message!
Nigger, come on. Let's get Preach and Crazy Legs and go to this picnic.
Come on.
This is some good shit.
Get your black ass back by Friday. The social worker's comin'.
- I'm still claimin' your ass. - Quit sweatin' me. Shoo.
Grandma, stay off my end before I smoke your ass.
Go fuck yourself, nigger.
Our friend Preach was a former gang member turned activist.
But now, he's just plain confused.
- Preach, what up, nigger? - Stop sayin' "nigger".
It's terms like the word "nigger" that the white man uses
to take away the self-esteem of another race.
Remind me to pick my laundry up
from that Chink motherfucker up the street.
Crazy Legs used to be the best dancer in the hood.
Now he's paralysed from the waist down after a drive-by.
What's up, Crazy?
What's up, y'all? I'll be right there, all right?
That's the way to start the day. How you doin'?
- My little pigmy brother. - All right, African brother.
Loc Dog didn't have the flyest ride in the hood
but it was reliable in rain, sleet or snow.
Hey, you guys.
Y'all wanna see a dead body?
Come on.
I told you he was dead.
Man, he stinks.
What's up, baby boy?
Damn!
I ain't tight. If you can't get nothin' here, you gonna die a virgin.
Hey, y'all. Look at them freaks gettin' busy on the dance floor.
There's all kinds of bitches up in here.
What did I tell you about disrespectin' my Nubian princesses?
Quit disrespect! You need...
Oh, my God. The mother of Mecca is right here before me.
Do my eyes not deceive me or am I lookin' at the goddess Isis?
Can you er... Can you do me a favour, my brown-skinned angel?
Can you tap that white girl for me?
My Milk of Magnesia.
After the Devil made you he broke the mould.
Maybe you and I could make a little jungle fever?
This one to all my dead homies, you know what I'm sayin'?
I remember the first time I saw Dashiki.
She was fine enough to be Jet Beauty of the Week.
- Yo, Loc, come here. - Hey, what's up?
- What's up, nigger? - Yo, man. Who's this fine girl?
Nigger, that's Dashiki.
Stay away from her. Everybody in the hood's been humpin' her.
She got more kids than Miss Wayans.
Anyway, that's Toothpick's ex-girl. You don't want his old scraps.
Toothpick got used to bein' in jail.
So much so that even on the outside, he lived like he was on the inside.
Give me that knife.
Leave it down. Leave it down.
Bone check, homie. Bone check!
$5 a hand, nigger. $5. Go Fish.
What are they in for, man?
$5, buster.
Oh, I got that.
Here.
Here we go.
What?
Oh, my money ain't good?
Do you know how many crumb cakes I can get for them?
How many chocolate milks? How many bars of soap?
Deal my cards, nigger. Hurry up!
- Deal, deal, deal! - All right, nigger.
Hello.
- She wants me. - Why waste your time with that?
We need you someone with some class, someone you could take home.
Get yourself a real woman.
Real woman.
- You see that bitch over there? - I see her.
Now that's a lady.
I bet you I could get her number.
- You ain't gettin' nobody's number. - Fool. Watch.
Hey, sweetheart.
Break yourself! Give me your goddamn number! Come on!
Hurry up! Come on!
Cool, cool, cool.
I'll give you call about five o'clock, aight? I said aight?
All right, sweetheart. Take care.
I told you I'd get the number.
Hey, beautiful.
Please.
- Hey, mister? - What's up?
Are you tryin' to get some from my mama?
Snap. Nah, little man.
Give me a dollar and I'll leave you alone.
Cute little kid. By the way, my name is Ashtray.
My name is Dashiki. That's Swahili for doggy-style.
- That's pretty. - Those are my kids.
Hello, everybody.
Now children, what do you say when you meet a nice man?
Are you my daddy?
All I know is, I'd really like to take you out.
Oh, you and your seven kids.
Sounds nice but I'm leavin' the hood in a couple of days.
Really? Man, I can't wait for the day I can move out of the hood.
Well, look, I know I just met you but you welcome to come along.
I need somebody to help me change diapers.
Is that it? Diapers? I used to change my father's diapers all the time.
Listen...
You think about it, OK?
And if you're serious, let me know.
Ain't that Dashiki kissin' that fool, man?
Man. Right there.
Yeah. Oh, damn, man!
I should go shank that fool right now!
Toothpick, you trippin', man.
Nigger, that's old news. Think about it, nigger.
You been in jail five years now.
Man, it's only been 1,825 days, 6 hours and 13 minutes.
- She could've waited! - I'm sayin' why go back to jail?
Man, I ain't worried about jail. You sound like a bitch.
- Bitch! - I ain't worried about jail.
Shit. Now, I don't give a damn about goin' to jail!
- You can take me to jail! - Take me to jail!
- Lock me up! - Lock me up!
- Throw away the key! - Throw away the key!
I ain't afraid to fuck somebody in his ass!
- This fool is trippin'. - I'm outta here.
You're on your own there, bro.
Come on, man. Y'all ain't never been in a shower with a man
and you see the suds roll down the crack of his ass
and you just...
be turned...
I'm foolin' y'all now! Shit.
I was foolin' y'all! Those was jokes!
Fuck this. I'm goin'.
I don't usually be kissin' like that when I first meet someone
but you special...
- Cigarette? - Ashtray.
Come on, kids.
Stupid. You just kissed every nigger at the party.
Now come on. I gotta go to the store and get more forties.
All right.
Now that there is somethin' special.
Why you make noise about white men, then go date white women?
No, you see, I'm just tryin' to do to white girls
what the white man's been doin' to us for 400 years!
- Yeah, what's that? - Fuck 'em.
- Amy-Jo! - Oh, you cold.
He cold.
Yeah, yeah. Forties and 9s. That's my favourite store.
I'm goin' in here to get me a malt liquor slurpy.
You get me some barbecue potato chips.
- Could I keep the change? - Hell, no. That's a $10 food stamp.
Bring back my change.
What's up now, you pretty punk chick?
What's up? We got a problem?
I said, do we have a problem?
We got a problem, partner, right here.
Right there.
We'll play a game.
I said, do we have a problem?
USSR?
Get your stank asses outta here before I cause a nuclear holocaust.
Let's go, let's go, fool! Come on!
lt'll be Hiroshima and Nigga-saki.
- Let's go! Let's go! - That's right. Get on outta here!
And don't come back, punk!
Tray, bring your simple behind on!
- Yo, man, you page me? - You ready to be out?
- Yeah, let's move. - All right.
Nigger.
I go and check them.
Hurry up and buy.
Hurry up and buy!
Break yourself!
You dropped something.
Break yourself, fool!
Give me my money back.
Candy bars.
Hey, Miss Lady Bitch. Hey! I'm talkin' to you!
How much for this candy bar?
- 5 - What?
You better give me sucky-sucky with that for $5. Some love me long time.
You don't like, you don't buy.
Just charge us for the chips and the ice cream. Shit.
Let's go before I Loc up on these people.
Quit lickin' that ice cream before I put you on the corner!
I feel sorry for your mother.
What you say about my mama?
I don't want trouble. Just go. Go home! Don't come back!
What you say about my mama? Break yourself!
You break, you buy! Soda, $5!
Loc, what are you doin', man? Come on!
Pickles! $10! Come on! Give me money! Give me money right now!
Shirt! $19.95! On sale. Come on!
Loc, are you crazy? What the hell did you do?
Fool, wasn't me! I ain't hurt nobody!
Catch.
The man.
Have a nice day. Oh, yeah.
He's good.
Come on, Tray. Let's get outta here.
Check out that six-four.
What up, nigger?
- Oh, damn. What up, Grandma? - Tell your daddy to page me.
All right. All right, player, stay up.
Peace.
Now I realise that every now and again
some of you women folk, you get hot.
You get bothered. And every now and again you get hot and bothered.
Well, what I want you to do when you get that hot
and you need a little relief,
I want you to, I want you to call me!
- Don't ask no questions. - Good to see you, Gloria.
Good to see you, too, Miss Williams.
Tired heifer.
...his only son. Didn't he do it?
- Abraham didn't ask no questions. - Thank you, baby.
And that's what God expects from His sheep!
Here at the Greater Ebenezer New Revival Tree Of Life
Institutional Double Rock On The Side Of The Road To Jericho
Missionary Baptist Church Of Zion!
When I say Mount Calvary, y'all gonna hear me!
Preach on, Reverend!
- Ain't that the truth! - God expects you
to do what the Lord wants you to do.
Like those of you who realise
that the Lord wants you to give generously to His church.
- Amen! - Don't ask no questions.
Don't ask how come...
or why come the pastor have to have him a nice house.
Or why come the pastor got to have a nice car.
Don't ask! I said don't ask!
I said don't ask
no questions!
Just give the money.
Brother Deacon, get the collection plate round on that side.
We will now have a B selection from the choir.
I feel the spirit!
Watch yourself now, Sister Williams.
Ain't that the truth!
Praise the Lord!
Malik, how does it feel, your first day at college?
It ain't nothin'. You'll be there next year.
I'm thinkin' about goin' away to college myself.
Thank you, brother. Thank you very much.
Loc, stop clownin' before you end up like that brother back there.
- There you go, brother. - Thank you.
I'm gonna get me my a G-O-B. A job.
They're hirin' at BM Motors, Tray. Come with me.
Not today. I gotta take my driver's test.
This is what fresh air smells like.
You livin' it, man.
Aight, man.
Stay up.
Aight, man.
Aight. That's enough of all that sentimental stuff.
Yo, Malik. Don't forget about us, baby.
One love, baby.
Malik is the first one in the hood to go to college.
Finally, someone from the hood is gonna make it.
Yeah, there is hope.
Hello, I'm Mr Walker. I'm your examiner for today.
Put on your seat belt, check your mirrors. Let's begin.
Make a right, right there.
And make another left here.
Park right there.
Wait here.
Come back here! Call the police!
Drive, motherfucker! Drive!
It was nice meeting you. We'll be in touch.
Yes, may I help you?
Yeah, I heard y'all niggers is hirin'. What's up?
Oh, yes. Why don't you fill out this application?
Makin' me write and shit.
If I was white, you wouldn't be makin' me write.
Well, actually, originally I'm from the East Coast.
But after my Masters, I thought I'd take a break.
So here I am.
I was tired of living off of Daddy.
Age, 19.
Height, six deuce, baby.
Father's name? I don't know.
Sex. Hell yeah, nigger.
Salary desired.
$3 million. Cash.
You know, being an lvy Leaguer can be such a leg up.
- I spent five years at Harvard. - Really?
I just spent six months at County.
Anybody ever try and take your manhood?
Then he sees the warden comin', so he hides you.
But you still got that plugged in your ass.
So you cryin'. Don't you hate that?
- Let's go. He's crazy! - Where you goin'?
- Mr Loc Dog? - That's me.
- You're next. - Mr Loc Dog.
What's up, baby?
Energy. Eager man. Yes, I like that.
Right this way.
Let me just move this.
So, let me see. Very interesting.
Your hobbies are drinking, smoking weed, and "all types of ill shit."
- Do you drive an automobile? - With or without the boot?
Doesn't matter.
Well, congratulations. You got yourself a job.
Right on, huh?
Where the seat belts at?
Don't worry. They won't be necessary.
How you work this radio?
One more time!
I told you you ain't got no game for me, boy.
Now I'm gonna wear you out, you little punk.
- What's that? - My gat, fool.
Where you learn how to use a gun?
Cartoons and hood movies.
Doo Rag, don't you know that you and I are an endangered species?
- Why? Because we're black males? - No!
Because the rappers take the good actin' jobs!
Listen, Doo Rag, having a gun doesn't give you any power.
- You know where real power is? - In the bullets!
No! In the books!
See...
Doo Rag, your mind...
it is like a gun.
And you wanna load it up with little...
itty, bitty bullets of knowledge.
Message!
- What are you doin'? - Writing a poem.
My poetry helps me escape the harsh realities of livin' in the hood.
Ah, that's deep.
Hey, you wanna read me one?
OK.
Let me see.
Love is by far the most precious thing on earth
Like a rose's fragrance or a child's birth
Love me and leave me
That's the story of my life
But it won't happen again, see
Since I bought a butcher's knife,
Yeah, see, the next man who loves me and leaves me so quick,
I'm gonna cut off his balls and chop off his dick
I'm gonna shoot that motherfucker
I'm gonna stab that motherfucker for fuckin' with me
I'm gonna run him over with my car
He fuckin' with the wrong woman
I will kill that motherfucker
Baby, baby, baby.
- I get the point. It was... - You like it?
That was good.
It touched me in a really special place.
You wait right here.
I sure will.
Dashiki was far more sexually experienced than I was.
She taught me all about foreplay.
Until then, I ain't never done foreplay before.
But then again, who needs foreplay when you're jackin' off?
Are you thirsty?
Nah, fool! That's the baby's lunch.
Damn, girl, you're so tight!
Wrong hole, fool.
Not bad.
I couldn't believe this was happening -
I was losing my virginity to the woman of my dreams.
Talk dirty to me.
I'm comin'!
What did you say?
Never mind.
I'll tell you when I wake up.
Ashtray, wake up.
- What's up, baby? - I need to tell you something.
What's up?
- I'm pregnant. - Already?
Are you sure?
I got seven kids. I know what I'm talkin' about.
Dashiki, I'm not ready to be no father right now.
So you man enough to come up in me
but you ain't man enough to take care of what comes out,
get my hair done, pay my rent and get me a new car? You know what?
You ain't nothin' but a little boy.
It ain't all about the size of the boat. It's the motion in the ocean.
That's not what I'm talkin' about.
As a matter of fact, get out!
Get out of my bed! Get out of my house!
And take your shit with you.
- Why you trippin'? - I don't wanna see you no more!
- I don't wanna talk to you! - Wait!
- Take your shit! - Oh, girl, come on. This ain't mine.
Get out of my house!
Get out!
Order up!
Yo, Loc, man. Dashiki's pregnant.
Dashiki was born pregnant. What else is new?
What else is new? It's mine.
- Thank you, Lord. - Are you sure?
She said I was the only one she'd been with in the past 20 minutes.
Yes! Yes!
And you believed her?
Here you go, sucker. I mean, brother.
That'll be 10.38.
Wash them filthy hands.
So what you gonna do now, Tray?
I don't know. I might move out of the hood with her.
What?
Oh, fool!
Look here, let me tell you somethin', Tray.
You could take Dashiki out of the hood
but you can't take the hood niggers out of Dashiki.
- Damn! Five-O. - Damn!
You there! Get out of the truck and put your hands in the air.
Stand on one leg.
With the tip of your finger, touch the tip of your nose.
Now in a circular motion, rub your stomach and pat your head
while saying, "Rubber baby buggy bumper."
Strike a pose! Now Vogue!
Now walk slowly toward the car.
We didn't even do nothin'.
What?
You think you're tough!
You don't look so tough now, little nigger.
I hate you black bastards. You stink!
I hate your black skin!
I hate your black pants!
I hate black pepper!
I hate black keys on the piano!
I hate my gums, cos they black!
I hate Whoopi Goldberg's lips!
I hate the back of Forest Whitaker's neck!
And most of all, I hate that black ass, Wesley Snipes.
Move it!
- Come on. - Let's go.
We got arrested for being black on a Friday night.
Don't try anything, all right?
It was a misdemeanour, so I thought we'd be out right away.
Right there. Right there!
- There you go! - Get him. Get him. Get him!
Get him! Get him! Yeah!
All right, get in there.
- What's up, young blood? - What's up?
Swine, my brother?
- No, thanks. - Now let me tell you somethin'.
If you hit a man, in time, his wounds will heal.
And if you steal from a man,
you can replace what you steal.
And always cross in the green! Never in between.
Because the honourable Elijah Muhammad Ali
floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee!
Thinkin' about spendin' another minute with Farra-convict
made me never want to do time again.
Boy, am I happy to see you, man!
Always remember, my brother,
one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.
Nick nack paddy whack, give the dog a bone.
Two thousand zero zero party, oops! Outta time!
My bacon's smellin' fine.
- What's up, Toothpick? - What's up?
All ready to go jump this fool in?
Let's do this, Al Dog.
- What's up, homie? Ready to do this? - Yeah, man, I'm ready.
- What's up? - What's up?
You've been hangin' with the homies for a while.
It's about time we jumped your punk ass in.
In this world, if you can't swim,
you bound to draz-own!
And if you fall, you better pick your punk ass up!
And the rest of y'all...
don't cut him no slack!
Y'all fools get busy.
Let's go. Work him, Dog, work him.
We're gonna have to play Knock Me again sometime.
Enough. You ain't winnin' nothin', anyway.
And the money that you do win, I'll jack you for it.
Hey! Which one of y'all's Ashtray?
What's up? Heard you got my boy Toothpick's girlfriend pregnant?
- Me? - Yeah, you.
- Hey, brother, man... - What's up?
- I don't want no trouble, man. - You must not have heard me!
Tray, let me handle this like a gentleman.
My man, my man say he don't want no trouble.
Got you! Come here, you punk!
Get the head! Come on! Move your body!
- Stay right there! Stay there! - We shouldn't...
Nice execution! I'm gonna give that a 8.
Yeah, make him dribble! Make him dribble like me! Stomp him! Yeah.
After stomping one of Toothpick's boys,
we knew we had to get some back-up.
So we went to our homie Old School's house.
Are you sure this guy's gonna help our back?
Old School is the most dangerous OG on the set.
Let me tell you young punks somethin'.
I'm been down on this hood a long time. I seen a lot of things.
I survived the Watts Riots Gang Wars, and you know how I did it?
How?
By standin' my ground with my homies watch my back.
Word!
So don't let nobody mess with your set!
And like me, don't let nobody give you no shit!
Yeah, Old School!
Bartholemew!
- Come here, boy! - Oh, shit.
What did you say, boy?
I said, "Oh, shoot", Ma. Shoot.
Didn't I tell you to clean your room?
Oh, Ma, come on. The gang needs me. I'm their leader.
Gang?!
Get in there and clean that room in the next ten minutes
or else you gonna be walkin' down the street with three shoes...
two on your feet and one in your ass, sucker.
Thank you, Mama.
Here, so you gonna roll with us?
- I can't. - Why not?
Oh, the police is after you, huh?
Nah. I'm on punishment. My mom says I can't leave the porch.
Come on, let's hold the porch down!
Say, that's a nice walker, lady. Cough it up! Turn around! Snap!
Get it up!
Man, I need to get out of this place.
What you talkin' about? Leave the hood?
This is home sweet home.
I love the smell of gun smoke in the morning.
Yo, Preach, at least Ashtray got a dream.
That's more than most homies in the hood.
Why, Little Foots, you got a dream?
Yeah. I got a dream.
Hey, Loc, I hope you ain't sellin' out of me with no jive-ass dream.
Oh, hell, no. You know I ain't got no self-esteem.
I ain't gonna grow up to be shit. Just like you.
Where are them busters hidin' at?
- Probably at the trick's house. - What trick?
Dashiki, fool.
I miss makin' love to her.
Me, too.
- What you talkin' about? - I was helpin' you out.
- Hell you was! - You was locked up, fool!
Just give me the book.
Can you hook me up with directions to Crenshaw?
Get your crusty behind away from me!
Man, I'll suck your dick, man.
What did you say to me?
I'll suck your dick, man.
Oh, man!
Aight, so what you wanna do is go to the corner,
go about three blocks down and make a right and you're there.
Old School, what shall we do?
Run like a bitch, fool!
Mama!
Let's go!
I'm hit!
Yo, Legs! Legs!
Are you OK, man? You got hit by the bullets, man?
No. I got hit by a car.
Come on, nigger. Let's help him...
- Let's get him in the truck. - Get his baby shoe.
Aight, nigger, help me out. Come on.
Why?
Bring your simple ass, Tray!
My head! My head!
J-Nug, are you all right? Answer me, man! You all right?
Sister! We need a doctor fast!
I went to see Jason Lyric this weekend.
Gee, wasn't he cute? Did you see his butt, though? It was hairy.
I didn't think that ass-fro was cute!
We need a doctor right now.
- I'm gonna have to call you back. - Right now, Sister!
What I'm gonna need you to do is fill this form out.
May I have a pen, please?
Excuse me. You know where I could get some water?
Oh, God.
Here.
- Thanks. - You're number 1,012.
1,012.
Number 213. Now serving number 213.
- Dave! - Damn, I hope I'm next.
Come on. We're gonna do it.
Between Crazy Legs bein' hit in a drive-by, the Korean store shootings,
jail and Dashiki bein' pregnant, I felt I was about to explode!
What are you doing?
Tryin' to win Best Actor on the Soul Train Awards.
Look, Dashiki, I'm sorry about last night.
I thought about it and I wanna be a father to my child.
And another thing.
I also realised how much I love you and I wanna leave the hood with you.
But there's something we need to do before we go.
Look, I'm takin' the kids and I'm movin' out of the hood.
I wanted them to say goodbye to their daddies.
Give me the man.
You're a good brother, Tray. Yeah.
Me?
I mean, I've been in a jail a long time, T.
Sometimes, I feel like a caged animal.
How come you never came to see me, man?
Nigger, I don't know you.
Oh, yeah.
You don't know me. That's right.
Well, dig this here, Tray.
Teach my son how to be a man, Tray. How to be a man.
Give me some.
Jif!
Hey, man, you got everything?
Cool.
I'm gonna get some, right?
Don't even play me like that. Come on, man.
What's up, Crazy?
Hey, brother! How you feelin', man?
How you doin', brother?
Doctor say I ain't gonna walk again.
- It's gonna be all right. - Hold me!
Fool, get off me!
You been paralysed for the last five years.
Oh, yeah.
Don't worry, Legs, man.
If we ever find that Toothpick, I'm gonna smoke him.
No! We need to put an end to all this black-on-black crime.
We need to call a truce.
What about that time you shot Byron?
Ain't that black-on-black crime?
No. Byron was light-skinned.
Oh, yeah.
- You're about to go to this party? - Yeah.
- You're gonna be drinkin'. - Just a little.
Let me tell you about drinkin' and drivin'.
That shit is fun, man! Y'all get yourself a forty.
Then get on the freeway, punch it to 85.
Turn off your lights, let go of the steering wheel.
It will bug you out! Try it!
I'm gonna try that.
Why he didn't invite me to the party?
Come on, Pop. You gotta be over 18.
- Oh, man! - Besides, it's past your bedtime.
- Did you brush your teeth? - Let me see.
No. There we go.
- All right, I'm out. - All right.
Before you go, won't you read me a bedtime story?
- All right, just one. - That's all I need.
Let's get to a good one. Here we go.
"This is the story of Dick and Mary.
"Mary lies on the bed and spreads her thighs.
"Dick thrusts his large member into her waiting vagina.
"'Fuck me! Fuck me! ', Mary screams.
"Dick covers her head with a pillow cos she's too noisy.
"Dick continues to pound her swollen opening until he climaxes.
"'I'm coming! I'm coming! '
"And he falls asleep."
Good night, Pops.
Domino, nigger! Yeah!
What's up, niggers?
Hey, what's up?
- What up? - Hey, what's up? How you doin'?
What's up, nigger? Black boy.
What's up, man?
I got one question. Who got that chronic, nigger?
Man, I got that ill killer shit. Guaranteed to fuck you up.
Hey, nigger, light that shit up. Fuck me up.
He's goin' into convulsions!
- Man, he ain't breathin'! - He's foamin' at the mouth!
Yo, he dead.
Yo, pass that shit!
Yo, pass that!
- Hit it. - Hit it!
Hit it! Hit it! Hit it! Hit it!
See, that's what I'm talkin' about, Sabomboo.
- Suck it. - Nigger tries to hide the good shit.
Hey, baby, you wanna dance?
Yes, I do. But not with you.
Her right. Her right. Her right. Her right.
Hey, girl. How you doin'? My name is Loc Dog.
- What's your name? - La Quanda.
La Quanda, do you have a boyfriend?
No. You know, men always seem to be really intimidated by me
but I don't know why.
Well, you know, I can understand how a pretty girl like yourself
might make a man a little sick.
I mean, nervous!
Yeah, well, it takes a really special kind of man to be with me.
You know?
Let me go find him.
Damn girl, you need to slow down with that.
You ain't my daddy and you ain't payin' any of my bills.
Mind your business.
Oh, this is my song!
Hi.
Hi, my name is Loc Dog. What's your name?
- Keisha. - Keisha.
You always this shy, Keisha?
Keisha, what do you say we go back to my place and have a nightcap?
I don't know. I just met you.
Hey, girl, the dog don't bite unless you ask me.
- All right, come on. - I guess it'd be all right.
Baby, you really love me.
You know I do, girl.
I really shouldn't.
Come on, girl. It ain't gonna hurt you.
It's just that when I drink sometimes, I get a little crazy.
And that's what I want.
I don't want you to think I'm a freak or nothin' like that.
I usually don't go home with guys when I first meet them.
But I just feel so comfortable with you.
That's good, girl.
Whenever you with me, I want you to just relax and be yourself.
You are so nasty! I should be going.
Whoa, come on, baby. Relax.
Just relax.
Don't you go nowhere. You're in good hands now, girl.
Loc Dog's gonna take good care of you, baby.
Are you sure it's OK?
I want you to just be yourself, OK?
I told you I could get a little crazy.
Yeah, you get crazy. Come on.
OK, motherfucker, let's get it on!
Oh, no, nigger, you ain't goin' nowhere.
Fresh air, fresh fish.
Nothin' like the great outdoors, huh, Pop?
Pop, can we talk, teenager to teenager?
See, I met this girl. She's pretty special.
She's movin' out of the hood and I want to go with her.
- Man, who is this girl? - Her name's Dashiki.
Dashiki! From Penetration Avenue?
Come on! Don't tell me you slept with her, too?
Oh, no, it ain't nothin' like that, son.
- She sure could suck a dick, though. - What?
Nothin', son. Go ahead. Tell me about this girl.
Anyway, I think I'm in love.
You knockin' boots yet?
- Yeah. - Hold on.
You use a condom?
Good! That's my boy! That's my boy!
Never use condoms, son! They take away all the feelin'.
Only thing is, now she's pregnant. I don't know what to do.
Man, look,
let me give you the same advice my father gave me, all right?
Give up hope. Look at me. Dreams are for suckers.
Ain't no future for you.
And don't think about gettin' no job, Tray!
The black man ain't got no place in the workforce.
Let me get this straight.
You're sayin' don't get caught up
in the white man's system of self-perpetuatin' unemployment
and wind up on welfare cheques.
Wrong! Ain't nothing wrong with welfare cheques. It's free money.
Our family survived six generations on it.
- Thanks, Pop. You know what to say. - Don't you know.
My boy Tray gettin' himself some sex.
Getting locked up in the city ain't the same.
Get the map. Get the map.
Fuck it. Let's go twist these niggers in a cat bag, man.
Can't you read it? Come on. Let's go.
- Drive. - Let's go.
- What's up, Loc? - What's up, Tray?
I can't believe your mark ass is finally leavin' the hood.
- Me and Dashiki's tyin' that knot. - Tie a knot in that bitch's tubes.
Really.
I actually think we're gonna be all right.
- Why don't you come with us? - What?
Take a road trip in a mail truck? That's the stupidest idea I heard.
Well, anyway, you just be careful.
Come on, baby, you talkin' to Loc Dog.
You know I'm gonna be aight.
Shoot.
Hey, Tray...
never forget, man.
Either they don't know, don't show,
or just don't care about bein' a menace in South Central
while they drink their juice in the hood.
That's what it's all about, Tray.
I'm sorry, man.
What the fuck is he talkin' about?
- What's up, little homie? - What's up?
Want some of this? Make you grow hair on your nuts.
Don't be givin' that little kid no alcohol.
- Nigger, you ain't his daddy. - I ain't?
Dashiki! Bitch, you better give me back my child support money!
What's up, little man?
Like I was sayin', what's up with them hos tonight?
Take care of my baby, aight? And my truck.
What?
I'm only playing with you.
Just shoot everything in sight.
Break yourself!
Somebody help me!
Dashiki!
I'll call you later!
Page me!
I'm coming!
Is you OK, snowflake?
Oh, yes, my big chocolate warrior.
Doo Rag, take care of your mama!
Break yourself!
Take that, motherfucker!
You know you fucked up, right? Yeah, you fucked up.
Hear what I'm sayin'?
Hey, Grandma. You got the juice now.
Oh, go to hell!
Damn.
I'll marry you, I promise! Just wake up!
I know, sister. You're gonna miss him, aren't you?
Yeah. Where else will I find a pussy-whipped fool
to take care of me and seven kids?
Listen, sister, listen! You are a strong African-American woman!
And it's because of that, I can't be with you.
Oh, time for me to take out the poor, white trash.
Who are you calling whipped?
You're alive!
Oh, Lord, why you do this to me?
Oh, I can't take it! I can't take it!
I can't take it! Oh, my Lord!
Oh, my baby!
Oh, Mama. Mama. I swallowed my toothpick, Mama.
Oh, baby, you're OK!
Now where's my money you stole, you little hoodlum?
I want my money. I'll beat the shit outta you!
Where's my money?
Well, that's my story.
As for Dashiki and I, we got married.
Loc Dog went into show business.
I wanna say fuck you all, suck my dick and...
lick your ass!
Preach, he settled down.
Crazy Legs' dream of becoming a dancer finally came true.
And as for Grandma,
well, she's still Grandma.
This is some good shit.