Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
IT'S...
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]
COME IN.
TROUBLE AT MILL.
OH, NO... WHAT SORT OF TROUBLE?
ONE ON'T CROSSBEAMS GONE OWT ASKEW ON TREDDLE.
PARDON?
ONE ON'T CROSSBEAMS GONE OWT ASKEW ON TREDDLE.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
ONE OF THE CROSSBEAMS HAS GONE OUT OF SKEW ON THE TREDDLE.
BUT WHAT ON EARTH DOES THAT MEAN?
I DON'T KNOW.
MR. WENTWORTH JUST TOLD ME
TO COME IN HERE AND SAY
THERE WAS TROUBLE AT THE MILL, THAT'S ALL.
I DIDN'T EXPECT A KIND OF SPANISH INQUISITION.
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
OUR CHIEF WEAPON IS SURPRISE.
SURPRISE AND FEAR, FEAR AND SURPRISE.
OUR TWO WEAPONS ARE FEAR AND SURPRISE
AND RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY.
OUR THREE WEAPONS ARE FEAR AND SURPRISE AND RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY
AND AN ALMOST FANATICAL DEVOTION TO THE POPE.
OUR FOUR... NO...
AMONGST OUR WEAPONS...
AMONGST OUR WEAPONRY ARE
SUCH ELEMENTS AS FEAR...
I'LL COME IN AGAIN.
I DIDN'T EXPECT A KIND OF SPANISH INQUISITION.
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
AMONGST OUR WEAPONRY ARE SUCH DIVERSE ELEMENTS AS FEAR
SURPRISE, RUTHLESS EFFICIENCY
AN ALMOST FANATICAL DEVOTION TO THE POPE
AND NICE RED UNIFORM... OH, DAMN!
I... I CAN'T SAY IT.
YOU'LL HAVE TO SAY IT.
WHAT?
YOU'LL HAVE TO SAY THE BIT
ABOUT "OUR CHIEF WEAPONS ARE..."
I COULDN'T DO THAT.
I DIDN'T EXPECT A KIND OF SPANISH INQUISITION.
UH... UH... NOBODY... UM...
EXPECTS.
NOBODY EXPECTS THE, UM... SPANISH...
INQUISITION.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
IN FACT, THOSE WHO DO EXPECT...
OUR CHIEF WEAPONS ARE...
OUR CHIEF WEAPONS ARE... UM...
SURPRISE.
GOOD, STOP, STOP...
STOP THERE.
WHEW!
OUR CHIEF WEAPON IS SURPRISE.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
CARDINAL, READ THE CHARGES.
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED
THAT YOU DID ON DIVERSE DATES
COMMIT HERESY AGAINST THE HOLY CHURCH.
MY OLD MAN SAID...
THAT'S ENOUGH.
NOW... HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
WE'RE INNOCENT.
HA!
WE'LL SOON CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT THAT!
FEAR, SURPRISE AND A MOST RUTHLESS...
OOH!
NOW... CARDINAL...
THE RACK!
YOU...
RIGHT.
TIE HER DOWN.
RIGHT.
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
INNOCENT.
HA!
RIGHT!
CARDINAL...
GIVE THE RACK...
OH, DEAR.
GIVE THE RACK... A TURN.
I...
I KNOW... I KNOW YOU CAN'T.
I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING.
I JUST WANTED TO TRY AND IGNORE
YOUR CRASS MISTAKE.
MAKES IT ALL SEEM SO STUPID.
SHALL I...
OH, GOD, JUST PRETEND, FOR GOD'S SAKE!
AH, HELLO, YOU DON'T KNOW ME
BUT I'M FROM THE B.B.C.
WE WERE WONDERING
IF YOU'D COME AND ANSWER THE DOOR
IN A SKETCH OVER THERE
IN THAT SORT OF DIRECTION.
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING...
JUST OPEN THE DOOR AND THAT'S IT.
OH, WELL, ALL RIGHT, YES.
JOLLY GOOD, COME THIS WAY.
FINE.
YES, WE'RE ON FILM
AT THE MOMENT, YOU SEE?
IT'S A LINK, IS IT?
YES, THAT'S RIGHT, THAT SORT OF THING.
YES, A LINK.
IT'S ALL A BIT ZANY, YOU KNOW
A BIT MADCAP FUNSTER.
FRANKLY, I DON'T FULLY UNDERSTAND IT MYSELF.
THE KIDS SEEM TO LIKE IT.
I MUCH PREFER DES O'CONNOR, OF COURSE
ROLF HARRIS, TOM JONES, YOU KNOW.
YOU DO A LOT OF THIS SORT OF THING, DO YOU?
QUITE A LOT, YES, QUITE A LOT.
I'M MAINLY IN COMEDY.
I'D LIKE TO BE IN PROGRAM PLANNING, ACTUALLY, BUT...
UNFORTUNATELY, I'VE GOT A DEGREE.
JOKE, SIR?
GUARANTEED AMUSING.
AS USED BY THE CROWNED HEADS OF EUROPE.
HAS BROUGHT TEARS TO THE EYES OF ROYALTY.
"DENMARK HAS NEVER LAUGHED SO MUCH"
"THE STAGE."
NICE LITTLE NOVELTY NUMBER, A "NAUGHTY HUMPHREY."
BREAKS THE ICE AT PARTIES.
PUT IT ON THE TABLE, PRESS THE BUTTON... IT VOMITS.
ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED, WITH REFILLS.
"BLACK SOAP."
LEAVE IT IN THE BATHROOM
THEY WASH THEIR HANDS, REAL FUNGUS GROWS ON THE FINGERS.
CAN'T GET IT OFF FOR HOURS.
GUARANTEED TO BREAK THE ICE AT PARTIES.
FRIGHTEN THE ELDERLY... REAL SNAKES.
COMEDY HERNIA KIT.
PLASTIC FLESH WOUNDS.
JUST KEEP YOUR FRIENDS IN STITCHES.
GUARANTEED TO BREAK THE ICE AT PARTIES.
HOURS OF FUN WITH "HONEYMOON DELIGHT."
EMPTY INTO THEIR BEDS REAL SKUNK JUICE.
THEY WON'T FORGET THEIR WEDDING NIGHT.
STICKS TO THE SKIN.
ABSOLUTELY WATERPROOF.
GUARANTEED TO BREAK THE ICE AT PARTIES.
AMUSE YOUR FRIENDS.
C.S. GAS CANISTERS... SMELLS, TASTES AND ACTS
JUST LIKE THE REAL THING; CAN BLIND, MAIM OR KILL.
OR FOR DRINKS, WHY NOT BUY A "WICKED WILLY"
WITH A LIFE-SIZE WINKLE?
SERVES WARM BEER.
MAKES REAL COCKTAILS.
HOURS OF AMUSEMENT.
OR GET THE NEW POOH-POOH MACHINE.
EMBARRASS YOUR GUESTS...
COMPLETELY AUTHENTIC SOUND.
OR WHY NOT TRY A NEW "NAUGHTY NIGHTIE"?
PUT IT ON AND IT MELTS.
JUST WATCH THEIR FACES.
GUARANTEED TO BREAK THE ICE AT NAUGHTY PARTIES.
GO ON, GO ON.
WHAT?
DO THE PUNCH LINE.
WHAT PUNCH LINE?
THE PUNCH LINE FOR THIS BIT.
I DON'T KNOW IT.
THEY DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT A PUNCH LINE.
OH!
OH, WELL, IN THAT CASE
I'LL BE SAYING GOOD-BYE THEN, SIR.
WHAT'S THE PUNCH LINE?
PUNCH LINE?
I DON'T THINK THERE'S A PUNCH LINE SCHEDULED
IS THERE?
WHERE ARE WE?
UH... WEEK 39.4...
NO, IT'S FRIDAY, ISN'T IT?
39.7...
UH... HERE WE ARE.
OH!
VERY GOOD.
WHAT A GOOD PUNCH LINE.
PITY WE MISSED THAT.
STILL, NEVER MIND.
WE CAN ALWAYS DO IT AGAIN.
MAKE A SERIES OUT OF IT.
NOW, IF YOU WOULD JUST SIGN THERE
I'LL PUT THIS THROUGH
TO OUR CONTRACTS DEPARTMENT
AND YOU SHOULD BE HEARING FROM THEM
IN A YEAR OR TWO.
CAN YOU GIVE ME A LIFT BACK?
AH, CAN DO... BUT WON'T.
WE WERE WONDERING
IF WE COULD POSSIBLY BORROW YOUR HEAD
FOR A PIECE OF ANIMATION.
WHAT?
OH, JOLLY GOOD.
THANKS VERY, VERY MUCH.
YOU WILL GET EXPENSES.
SERGEANT, SOMEHOW
WE'VE GOT TO GET IN THERE AND GET IT.
I KNOW, SIR, BUT IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT.
YOU'LL NEED SOME SORT OF DIVERSION.
YES, SIR, BUT WHAT?
WELL, WE COULD...
NO, NO, IT'S GOT TO BE...
NO, NOT RIGHT!
WAIT!
I'VE GOT IT!
WELL DONE, SOLDIER.
LOAD AND FIRE.
YES, SIR.
FIRE!
READY, AIM, FIRE!
WE ARE NOT AMUSED.
HM...
HMM...
HMMM...
GENTLEMEN...
OUR M.P. SAW THE P.M. THIS A.M.
AND THE P.M. WANTS MORE L.S.D. FROM THE P.I.B.
BY TOMORROW A.M. OR P.M. AT THE LATEST.
I TOLD THE P.M.'S P.P.S. THAT A.M. WAS N.B.G.
SO TOMORROW P.M. IT IS FOR THE P.M. NEM. CON.
GIVE US A FAG OR I'LL GO SPARE.
NOW...
THE FISCAL DEFICIT WITH REGARD TO THE MONETARY BALANCE
THE CURRENT FINANCIAL YEAR, EXCLUDING INVISIBLE EXPORTS
BUT ADJUSTED OF COURSE FOR SEASONAL VARIATIONS
AND THE INCREMENTAL STATISTICS
OF THE FISCAL AND REVENUE ARRANGEMENTS
FOR THE FORTHCOMING ANNUAL BUDGETARY PERIOD
TERMINATING IN APRIL.
I THINK HE'S TALKING ABOUT TAXATION.
BRAVO, MADGE.
WELL DONE.
TAXATION IS INDEED THE VERY NUB OF MY GIST.
GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TO FIND SOMETHING NEW TO TAX.
I UNDERSTOOD THAT.
IF I MIGHT PUT MY HEAD ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK
SO YOU CAN KICK IT AROUND A BIT, SIR...
MM-HMM.
WELL, MOST THINGS WE DO
FOR PLEASURE NOWADAYS ARE TAXED
EXCEPT... ONE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, SMOKING'S BEEN TAXED
DRINKING'S BEEN TAXED...
BUT NOT... UH...
THINGY.
GOOD LORD.
YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING WE SHOULD TAX...
THINGY.
POO POOS?
NO!
THANK GOD FOR THAT.
EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT.
NO, NO, NO, THINGY!
NUMBER ONES?
NO... THINGY!
THINGY!
OH!
THINGY!
WELL, IT'D CERTAINLY MAKE CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY
A MUCH MORE INTERESTING JOB.
I WOULD PUT A TAX...
ON ALL PEOPLE...
WHO STAND IN WATER.
OH!
TO BOOST THE BRITISH ECONOMY
I'D TAX ALL FOREIGNERS LIVING ABROAD.
I WOULD TAX THE NUDE IN MY BED.
NO, NOT TAX...
WHAT IS THE WORD?
WELCOME.
I WOULD TAX RAQUEL WELCH
AND I'VE A FEELING SHE'D TAX ME.
I WOULD BRING BACK HANGING AND GO INTO ROPE.
I WOULD CUT OFF THE MORE DISREPUTABLE PARTS OF THE BODY
AND USE THE SPACE FOR PLAYING FIELDS.
I WOULD TAX HOLIDAY SNAPS.
THIS IS UNCLE TED IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE.
THIS IS UNCLE TED
AT THE BACK OF THE HOUSE.
THIS IS UNCLE TED
AT THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE.
THIS IS UNCLE TED BACK AGAIN
AT THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE
BUT YOU CAN SEE THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE.
AND THIS IS UNCLE TED
EVEN NEARER THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE
BUT YOU CAN STILL SEE THE FRONT.
THIS IS THE BACK OF THE HOUSE
WITH UNCLE TED COMING ROUND THE SIDE
TO THE FRONT.
AND THIS IS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
HIDING BEHIND THE COAL SHED.
OH, I DIDN'T EXPECT THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
HA!
NOW, OLD WOMAN, YOU ARE ACCUSED
OF HERESY ON THREE COUNTS:
HERESY BY THOUGHT, HERESY BY WORD
HERESY BY DEED AND HERESY BY ACTION.
FOUR COUNTS.
DO YOU CONFESS?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M ACCUSED OF.
HA!
HA! HA!
THEN WE SHALL MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND!
BIGGLES...
FETCH THE CUSHIONS!
HERE THEY ARE, LORD.
NOW, OLD LADY, YOU HAVE ONE LAST CHANCE.
CONFESS TO THE HEINOUS SIN OF HERESY
REJECT THE WORKS OF THE...
TWO LAST CHANCES... AND YOU SHALL BE FREE.
THREE LAST CHANCES... YOU HAVE THREE LAST CHANCES...
THE NATURE OF WHICH I HAVE DIVULGED
IN MY PREVIOUS UTTERANCE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
RIGHT!
IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT!
CARDINAL...
POKE HER WITH THE SOFT CUSHIONS!
CONFESS!
IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE HURTING HER, MY LORD.
HAVE YOU GOT ALL THE STUFFING UP ONE END?
YES, LORD.
HMM, SHE IS MADE OF HARDER STUFF.
CARDINAL FANG...
FETCH...
THE COMFY CHAIR.
THE COMFY CHAIR?
YES.
SO, YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG
BECAUSE YOU CAN SURVIVE THE SOFT CUSHIONS!
WELL, WE SHALL SEE!
BIGGLES, PUT HER IN THE COMFY CHAIR!
NOW...
YOU WILL STAY IN THE COMFY CHAIR UNTIL LUNCH TIME
WITH ONLY A CUP OF COFFEE AT 11:00.
IS THAT REALLY ALL IT IS?
YES, LORD.
I SEE.
I SUPPOSE WE MAKE IT WORSE
BY SHOUTING A LOT, DO WE?
CONFESS, WOMAN.
CONFESS!
CONFESS! CONFESS!
I CONFESS!
NOT YOU!
I CONFESS.
WHO WAS THAT?
I CONFESS.
WELL, MADAM, I'M GLAD YOU'VE COME TO SEE ME.
AS A DOCTOR, I SHALL BE TRYING TO HELP YOU
AND DO EVERYTHING I CAN
TO ASSIST YOU IN ANY WAY I CAN.
OF COURSE, ANY...
VERY HIGH STATE...
COULD YOU REPEAT THAT?
I'M A BIT DEAF.
NOW, THE B.M.A.
THE BRITISH MEDICAL ASSOCIATION...
LOUDER, PLEASE, I STILL CAN'T HEAR!
I CONFESS!
SPEAK UP, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
NOW, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME ON THE SILVER SCREEN
COMES THE FILM FROM TWO BOOKS THAT ONCE SHOCKED A GENERATION.
FROM EMILY BRONTE'S WUTHERING HEIGHTS
AND FROM THE INTERNATIONAL GUIDE TO SEMAPHORE CODE
20th CENTURY VOLE PRESENTS
THE SEMAPHORE VERSION OF WUTHERING HEIGHTS.
FROM THE PULSATING PAGES OF HISTORY
FROM THE DARK AND FURIOUS DAYS OF IMPERIAL ROME
WE BRING YOU A STORY THAT SHATTERED THE WORLD
A TALE SO GRIPPING THAT THEY SAID IT COULD NOT BE FILMED
A UNIQUE EVENT IN CINEMA HISTORY:
JULIUS CAESAR ON AN ALDIS LAMP.
FROM THE MAKERS OF GUNFIGHT AT O.K. CORRAL IN MORSE CODE...
AND THE SMOKE-SIGNAL VERSION OF GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE JURY
HAVE YOU REACHED A VERDICT?
WE HAVE, MY LORD.
AND HOW DO YOU FIND THE DEFENDANT?
TWO WORDS?
FIRST WORD.
ROPE, STRING...
POINT.
BELT.
TIE.
CRAVAT.
SILK SQUARE.
KNOT.
SECOND WORD.
TWO SYLLABLES.
FIRST SYLLABLE.
BIRD?
SWIMMER.
BREASTSTROKE.
BRIAN PHELPS.
NO, NO, NO, HE WAS A DIVER!
ESTHER WILLIAMS, THEN.
NO, NO, DON'T BE SILLY!
HOW CAN YOU FIND SOMEONE "NOT ESTHER WILLIAMS"?
FISH!
FISH...
WHEEZE...
FISH WHEEZE...
FISH BREATHE.
FISH BREATHE THROAT.
FISH BREATHE THROAT... GILL!
KNOT GILL...
SECOND SYLLABLE.
KNOT GILL...
DRINK.
SIP...
IMBIBE.
KNOT GILL...
CUP!
KNOT GILLCUP!
YOU'VE BEEN FOUND KNOT GILLCUP
OF THE CHARGES BROUGHT AGAINST YOU
AND YOU MAY LEAVE THIS COURT A FREE MAN.
RIGHT, MY TURN.
FOUR WORDS.
FIRST WORD, SHOUT!
BELLOW!
CALL.
SECOND WORD...
IS VERY SMALL.
UM, "A."
AN?
UP.
THE.
CALL THE.
THIRD WORD.
GILL?
FISH!
ADAM'S APPLE!
NECK!
SOUNDS LIKE NECK!
NEXT!
CALL THE NEXT!
FOURTH WORD, THREE SYLLABLES.
FIRST SYLLABLE.
EAR.
HEAR, CAN'T HEAR.
DEAF.
DEAF!
CALL THE NEXT DEAF.
BOTTOM?
SEAT.
TROUSER.
CHEEK.
END! CALL THE NEXT DEAF-END.
ANT!
CALL THE NEXT DEFENDANT!
CALL THE NEXT DEFENDANT
THE HONORABLE MR. JUSTICE KILBRAKEN.
IF I MAY CHARGE YOU, MY LORD
YOU ARE CHARGED, MY LORD
THAT ON THE 14th DAY OF JUNE, 1970
AT THE CENTRAL CRIMINAL COURT
YOU DID COMMIT ACTS
LIKELY TO CAUSE A BREACH OF THE PEACE.
HOW PLEAD YOU, MY LORD, GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY?
NOT GUILTY.
CASE NOT PROVEN, COURT ADJOURNED.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
NO, NO, NO!
NO, YOU'RE IN THE DOCK, MY LORD.
I AM A JUDGE, MY LORD.
SO AM I, MY LORD, SO WATCH IT.
CALL THIS A COURT!
SHUT UP!
RIGHT, NOW GET ON WITH THE SPIEL.
MY LORD, AND MY OTHER LORD
THE PROSECUTION WILL ENDEAVOR TO SHOW, MY LORD, THAT MY LORD...
NOT YOU, MY LORD, THAT MY LORD, MY LORD...
WHILE PASSING SENTENCE AT THE CENTRAL CRIMINAL COURT
BLOTTED HIS COPY BOOK.
CALL EXHIBIT "Q."
"Q"?
SORRY, DID I SAY "Q"?
I MEANT "A."
CALL EXHIBIT "A."
CALL EXHIBIT "A"!
EXHIBIT "A," MY LORD, MISS RITA THANG
AN ARTIST'S MODEL, SWEDISH ACCORDION TEACHER
AND CANE CHAIR SALESLADY
WAS FOUND GUILTY UNDER THE RUDE BEHAVIOR ACT
IN THE ACCUSED'S COURT.
THE ACCUSED, MY LORD, SENTENCED HER
"TO BE TAKEN FROM THIS PLACE
AND BROUGHT ROUND TO HIS PLACE."
OBJECTION, MY LORD!
OBJECTION SUSTAINED.
YOU SHUT UP! OBJECTION OVERRULED.
THE ACCUSED THEN COMMENTED
ON MISS THANG'S BODILY STRUCTURE
MADE SEVERAL NOT-AT-ALL LEGAL REMARKS
ON THE SUBJECT OF FUN
AND THEN PLACED HIS ROBES OVER HIS HEAD
AND BEGAN TO EMIT LOW MOANS.
HAVE YOU ANYTHING TO SAY IN YOUR DEFENSE?
WELL, I HAVEN'T HAD ANY FOR WEEKS.
OH, NO? WHAT ABOUT THAT LITTLE NUMBER
YOU'VE GOT TUCKED AWAY IN BELSIZE PARK?
OH, I NEVER!
OH, NO!
ALL RIGHT, THEN, WHAT ABOUT 8-A WOODFORD SQUARE?
YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THAT AND I'LL DO YOU FOR TREASON.
UH, MY LORD, IF WE COULD CONTINUE.
HE'S GOT A CHINESE BIT THERE.
NO, THAT'S CONTEMPT OF COURT!
OH, IT'S ONLY A JOKE!
CONTEMPT OF COURT!
HOWEVER, I'M NOT GOING TO PUNISH YOU
BECAUSE WE'RE SO SHORT OF JUDGES AT THE MOMENT
WHAT WITH ALL OF THEM EMIGRATING TO SOUTH AFRICA.
I'M GOING TOMORROW, I'VE GOT MY TICKET.
GET OUT THERE AND GET SOME DECENT SENTENCING DONE.
OH, ENGLAND MAKES YOU SICK.
BEST I CAN MANAGE HERE IS LIFE IMPRISONMENT.
HARDLY WORTH COMING IN IN THE MORNING.
NOW, SOUTH AFRICA
YOU'VE GOT YOUR CAT-O-NINE TAILS
YOU'VE GOT FOUR DEATH SENTENCES A WEEK
YOU'VE GOT CHEAP DRINKS, SLAVE LABOR
AND A BOOMING STOCK MARKET.
I'M OFF, I TELL YOU.
YES, I'M UP TO HERE WITH PROBATION
AND BLEEDING PSYCHIATRIC REPORTS.
THAT'S IT, I'M OFF.
THAT'S IT.
RIGHT, WELL, I'M GOING TO HAVE ONE FINAL FLING BEFORE I LEAVE
SO I SENTENCE YOU TO BE BURNT AT THE STAKE.
BLIMEY, I DIDN'T EXPECT THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
TWO... UH, THREE TO THE OLD BAILEY, PLEASE.
LOOK, THEY'VE STARTED THE CREDITS!
HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!
COME ON, HURRY!
THERE'S THE LIGHTING CREDIT!
ONLY FIVE LEFT!
HELL, IT'S THE PRODUCER, QUICK!
NOBODY EXPECTS THE...
OH, BUGGER!
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll