Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
IT'S...
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
WITHOUT MORE ADO
THE FIRST ITEM IS A SKETCH ABOUT ARCHITECTS
CALLED "THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH."
THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH!
UP THERE!
GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS
FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS...
GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS
FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS...
SHUT UP!
GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS...
GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS
FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS ARCHITECTURAL BLOCK
THE RESIDENTIAL BLOCK.
AND I THOUGHT IT BEST THAT THE ARCHITECTS THEMSELVES
CAME IN TO EXPLAIN THE ADVANTAGES OF BOTH DESIGNS.
THAT MUST BE THE FIRST ARCHITECT NOW.
AH, YES, IT'S MR. WIGGIN OF IRONSIDE AND MALONE.
GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.
THIS IS A 12-STORY BLOCK
COMBINING CLASSICAL NEO-GEORGIAN FEATURES
WITH ALL THE ADVANTAGES OF MODERN DESIGN.
THE TENANTS ARRIVE IN THE ENTRANCE HALL HERE
ARE CARRIED ALONG THE CORRIDOR ON A CONVEYOR BELT
IN EXTREME COMFORT, AND PAST MURALS
DEPICTING MEDITERRANEAN SCENES
TOWARDS THE ROTATING KNIVES.
THE LAST 20 FEET OF THE CORRIDOR ARE HEAVILY SOUNDPROOFED.
THE BLOOD POURS DOWN THESE CHUTES
AND THE MANGLED FLESH SLURPS INTO THESE...
EXCUSE ME.
HMM?
DID YOU SAY KNIVES?
ROTATING KNIVES, YES.
ARE YOU PROPOSING TO SLAUGHTER OUR TENANTS?
DOES THAT NOT FIT IN WITH YOUR PLANS?
NO, WE WANTED A SIMPLE BLOCK OF FLATS.
AH! I SEE.
I HADN'T CORRECTLY DIVINED YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS YOUR TENANTS.
SEE, I MAINLY DESIGN SLAUGHTERHOUSES, YES, PITY.
MIND YOU, THIS IS A REAL BEAUT.
I MEAN, NONE OF YOUR BLOOD CAKED ON THE WALLS
AND FLESH FLYING OUT OF THE WINDOWS
INCONVENIENCING PASSERSBY WITH THIS ONE.
I MEAN, MY LIFE HAS BEEN BUILDING UP TO THIS.
YES, AND WELL DONE.
BUT WE DID WANT A BLOCK OF FLATS.
WELL, MAY I ASK YOU TO RECONSIDER?
I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T REGRET IT.
THINK OF THE TOURIST TRADE.
NO, IT'S JUST THAT WE WANTED A BLOCK OF FLATS
AND NOT AN ABATTOIR.
YES, WELL, OF COURSE, THAT'S JUST THE SORT
OF BLINKERED PHILISTINE PIG IGNORANCE
I'VE COME TO EXPECT FROM YOU NON-CREATIVE GARBAGE.
YOU SIT THERE ON YOUR LOATHSOME, SPOTTY BEHINDS
SQUEEZING BLACKHEADS
NOT CARING A TINKER'S CUSS ABOUT THE STRUGGLING ARTIST.
YOU EXCREMENT!
YOU LOUSY, HYPOCRITICAL, WHINING TOADIES
WITH YOUR LOUSY COLOR TV SETS AND YOUR TONY JACKLIN GOLF CLUBS
AND YOUR BLEEDING MASONIC HANDSHAKES.
YOU WOULDN'T LET ME JOIN, WOULD YOU
YOU BLACKBALLING BASTARDS!
WELL, I WOULDN'T BECOME A FREEMASON NOW
IF YOU WENT DOWN ON YOUR LOUSY, STINKING, PURULENT KNEES
AND BEGGED ME!
WELL, WE'RE SORRY YOU FEEL LIKE THAT
BUT WE DID WANT A BLOCK OF FLATS...
NICE THOUGH THE ABATTOIR IS.
OH... THE ABATTOIR.
THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
BUT IF ONE OF YOU COULD PUT IN A WORD FOR ME
I'D LOVE TO BE A FREEMASON.
FREEMASONRY OPENS DOORS.
I MEAN, I WAS...
I WAS A BIT ON EDGE JUST NOW
BUT IF I WAS A MASON
I'D JUST SIT AT THE BACK AND NOT GET IN ANYONE'S WAY.
THANK YOU.
I'VE GOT A SECONDHAND APRON.
THANK YOU.
I NEARLY GOT IN AT HENDON.
THANK YOU.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, GENTLEMEN.
THE SECOND ARCHITECT IS
A MR. LEAVEY OF WYMIS AND DIBBLE.
GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.
THIS IS A SCALE MODEL OF THE BLOCK.
THERE ARE 28 STORIES WITH 280 MODERN APARTMENTS.
THERE ARE THREE MAIN LIFTS AND TWO SERVICE LIFTS.
ACCESS WOULD BE FROM DIBBINGLEY ROAD.
THE STRUCTURE IS BUILT ON A CENTRAL PILLAR SYSTEM
WITH CANTILEVERED FLOORS
IN PRE-STRESSED STEEL AND CONCRETE.
THE DIVIDING WALLS ON EACH FLOOR SECTION ARE FIXED
WITH RECESSED MAGNALLIUM FLANGED GR...
BY AVOIDING WOOD AND TIMBER DERIVATIVES
AND ALL OTHER INFLAMMABLES
WE'VE ALMOST TOTALLY REMOVED THE RISK OF...
QUITE FRANKLY, I THINK THE CENTRAL PILLAR SYSTEM
MAY NEED STRENGTHENING A BIT.
ISN'T THAT GOING TO PUT THE COST UP?
IT MIGHT.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I'D WORRY
ABOUT STRENGTHENING THAT MUCH.
AFTER ALL, THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE LUXURY FLATS.
NO, I QUITE AGREE.
I MEAN, PROVIDED THE TENANTS ARE OF LIGHT BUILD
AND RELATIVELY SEDENTARY
AND GIVEN A SPOT OF GOOD WEATHER
I THINK WE'RE ONTO A WINNER HERE.
OH, THANK YOU.
QUITE AGREE, QUITE AGREE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
IT OPENS DOORS, I'M TELLING YOU.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THAT HANDSHAKE AGAIN
IN SLOWMOTION.
WHAT OTHER WAYS ARE THERE OF RECOGNIZING A MASON?
HAVING ONCE IDENTIFIED A MASON, IMMEDIATE STEPS MUST BE TAKEN
TO ISOLATE HIM FROM THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
HAVING ACCOMPLISHED THAT
IT IS NOW POSSIBLE TO CURE HIM
OF THESE UNFORTUNATE MASONIC TENDENCIES
THROUGH THE USE OF BEHAVIORAL PSYCHOTHERAPY.
IN THIS TREATMENT
THE PATIENT IS REWARDED FOR THE CORRECT RESPONSE
AND PUNISHED FOR THE WRONG ONE.
LET US BEGIN.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE UP BEING A MASON?
THINK CAREFULLY.
THINK.
NO.
NO?!
THAT'S WRONG!
WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
NO! NO!
BAD! BAD DOG! BAD!
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
FOR THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT.
OH!
AND THE NEXT ITEM IS A SKETCH ABOUT INSURANCE
CALLED "INSURANCE SKETCH."
INSURANCE SKETCH!
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WELL, I'VE COME ABOUT YOUR SPECIAL, FULLY COMPREHENSIVE
MOTOR INSURANCE POLICY OFFER.
WHAT WAS THAT?
FULLY COMPREHENSIVE MOTOR INSURANCE
FOR ONE AND EIGHT PENCE.
OH! OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, GUV
THAT OFFER'S NO LONGER VALID.
YOU SEE, IT TURNED OUT
NOT TO BE ECONOMICALLY VIABLE
SO WE NOW HAVE A TOTALLY NEW OFFER.
WHAT'S THAT?
A NUDE LADY.
NUDE LADY?
YES, YOU GET A NUDE LADY
WITH A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE MOTOR INSURANCE.
IF YOU JUST WANT THIRD PARTY, SHE HAS TO KEEP HER BRA ON
AND IF IT'S JUST THEFT...
NO, NO, I DON'T REALLY WANT THAT, MISTER... MISTER...
DEVIOUS.
MR. DEVIOUS, I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT WOULD COST ME
TO HAVE A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE INSURANCE
ON A 1970 ASTON MARTIN.
ASTON MARTIN?
YEAH.
500 QUID.
500 QUID?
40 QUID.
40 QUID?
40 QUID AND A NUDE LADY.
NO, NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN A NUDE LADY.
DIRTY BOOKS?
NO, NO, NO, LOOK, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN ANY OF THAT.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT WOULD COST ME
TO HAVE A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE INSURANCE
ON A 1970 ASTON MARTIN.
CAN YOU PLEASE QUOTE ME YOUR PRICE?
KNOCK, KNOCK.
WHO'S THERE?
THE REVEREND.
THE REVEREND WHO?
THE REVEREND MORRISON.
OH, COME IN.
NOW, THEN, VIC, WHAT'S THE TROUBLE?
WELL, IT'S ABOUT THIS LETTER YOU SENT ME.
EXCUSE ME.
DO I HAVE ANY MORE LINES?
I DON'T KNOW, MUSH.
I'LL HAVE A LOOK IN THE SCRIPT.
WHERE ARE WE?
SHOW EIGHT.
ARE YOU "MAN"?
YEAH... MAN.
NO... NO, YOU'VE FINISHED.
WELL, I'LL BE OFF, THEN.
RIGHT.
"THE VICAR SITS."
IT'S ABOUT THIS LETTER YOU SENT ME
REGARDING MY INSURANCE CLAIM.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH, WELL, YOU SEE
IT'S JUST THAT WE'RE NOT AS YET
TOTALLY SATISFIED WITH THE GROUNDS OF YOUR CLAIM.
BUT IT SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT FILLING MY MOUTH IN WITH CEMENT.
OH, WELL, THAT'S JUST INSURANCE JARGON, YOU KNOW.
MY CAR WAS HIT BY A LORRY
WHILE STANDING IN THE GARAGE
AND YOU REFUSE TO PAY MY CLAIM.
OH, WELL, REVEREND MORRISON
IN YOUR POLICY...
HERE WE ARE.
IT STATES QUITE CLEARLY
THAT NO CLAIM YOU MAKE WILL BE PAID.
OH, DEAR.
YOU SEE...
YOU UNFORTUNATELY PLUMPED FOR OUR "NEVERPAY" POLICY
WHICH, YOU KNOW, IF YOU NEVER CLAIM, IS VERY WORTHWHILE
BUT YOU HAD TO CLAIM, AND, WELL, THERE IT IS.
OH, DEAR, OH, DEAR.
STILL, NEVER MIND, COULD BE WORSE.
HOW'S THE NUDE LADY?
OH, SHE'S FINE.
LOOK, REV, I HATE TO SEE A MAN CRY
SO SHOVE OFF, OUT THE OFFICE, THAT'S A GOOD CHAP.
OKAY, DEVIOUS! DON'T MOVE.
THE BISHOP!
I TAKE AS MY TEXT FOR TODAY...
THE TEXT, VIC!
DON'T SAY THE TEXT!
LEVITICUS 3-14.
WE WAS TOO LATE.
THE REVEREND GRUNDY BIT THE CEILING.
HELLO?
WHAT?
WE'LL BE RIGHT OVER.
AND IT IS FOR THIS REASON
THAT THE CHRISTIAN CHURCH LAYS UPON YOU, THE GODPARENTS...
THE OBLIGATION OF SEEING THIS CHILD IS BROUGHT UP
IN THE CHRISTIAN FAITH.
THEREFORE, I NAME THIS CHILD...
DON'T SAY THE KID'S NAME, VIC!
FRANCESCO LUIGI...
WE WAS TOO LATE.
THE REVEREND NEUK SAW THE LIGHT.
THE RING, VIC... DON'T TOUCH THE RING!
HEY, VIC...
...DEARLY DEPARTED, DUST TO DUST, ASHES TO ASHES.
HELP, HELP!
COME ON.
OKAY, DEVIOUS, DON'T MOVE!
THE BISHOP!
THIS IS WHERE WE CAME IN.
YEAH.
OH, IT'S NICE TO BE HOME.
BUILDERS HAVEN'T BEEN, THEN.
NO.
THESE TWO OLD PEOPLE ARE TYPICAL
OF THE HOUSING PROBLEM FACING BRITAIN'S AGED.
HERE! DON'T YOU START DOING
A DOCUMENTARY ON US, YOUNG MAN.
OH, PLEASE.
NO, LEAVE US ALONE.
OH, JUST A LITTLE ONE
ABOUT THE APPALLING CONDITIONS
UNDER WHICH YOU LIVE?
NO, GET OUT OF OUR HOUSE!
GO ON.
COME ON, GEORGE, PICK IT UP.
WHY DON'T YOU DO A DOCUMENTARY
'BOUT THE DRUG PROBLEM ROUND IN WALTON STREET?
OH, I'LL GO AND HAVE A BATH.
THE SPLENDOR FALLS ON CASTLE WALLS
AND SNOWY SUMMITS OLD IN STORY...
HERE! THERE'S ALFRED LORD TENNYSON
IN THE BATHROOM!
WELL, AT LEAST THE POET'S BEEN INSTALLED, THEN.
YES, A POET IS ESSENTIAL FOR COMPLETE HOME COMFORT
AND ALL-YEAR-ROUND RELIABILITY AT LOW COST.
WE IN THE EAST MIDLANDS POET BOARD HOPE TO HAVE
A POET IN EVERY HOME BY THE END OF NEXT YEAR.
I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD...
THAT FLOATS ON HIGH OR VALE...
GOOD MORNING, MADAM.
I'VE COME TO READ YOUR POET.
OH, YES, IT'S IN THE CUPBOARD
UNDER THE STAIRS.
WHAT IS IT... A SWINBURNE? SHELLEY?
NO, IT'S A WORDSWORTH.
OH, BLOODY DAFFODILS.
BENEATH THE TREES
FLUTTERING AND DANCING IN THE BREEZE
CONTINUOUS AS THE STARS
THAT SHINE AND TWINKLE ON THE MILKY WAY...
RIGHT, THANK YOU, MADAM.
OH, NOT AT ALL. THANK YOU.
IT'S A NICE DAY, ISN'T IT?
YES, YES, THE WEATHER SITUATION
IS GENERALLY FAVORABLE.
THERE'S A RIDGE OF HIGH PRESSURE
CENTERED OVER IRELAND
WHICH IS MOVING STEADILY EASTWARDS
BRINGING CLOUDY WEATHER
TO PARTS OF THE WEST COUNTRY, WALES
AND AREAS WEST OF THE PENNINES.
ON TOMORROW'S CHART...
THE SITUATION'S MUCH THE SAME.
WITH THIS OCCLUDED FRONT BRINGING DRIER, WARMER WEATHER
TEMPERATURES ABOUT AVERAGE FOR THE TIME OF YEAR.
THAT'S THREE DEGREES CENTIGRADE, 44 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT
SO DON'T FORGET TO WRAP UP WELL.
THAT'S ALL FROM ME. GOOD NIGHT.
NOW ON BBC TELEVISION, A CHOICE OF VIEWING.
ON BBC 2, A DISCUSSION ON CENSORSHIP
BETWEEN DEREK HART, THE BISHOP OF WOOLWICH AND A NUDE MAN.
AND ON BBC 1, ME TELLING YOU THIS.
AND NOW...
WE DON'T WANT THAT, DO WE?
DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT CHERRY IN YOUR TEA?
DO YOU LIKE DOING THIS JOB?
WELL, IT'S A LIVING, ISN'T IT?
I MEAN, DON'T YOU GET BORED
READING PEOPLE'S POETS ALL DAY?
WELL... YOU KNOW... SOMETIMES, YEAH.
ANYWAY, I THINK I'LL BETTER BE GOING.
YOU'VE GOT A NICE TORCH, HAVEN'T YOU?
UH, YEAH, YEAH.
IT'S A... IT GOES, UH, ON AND OFF.
HOW MANY VOLTS IS IT?
OH, UH... WELL, I'LL HAVE A LOOK
AT THE BATTERIES.
OH, YES, YES.
IT'S, UH... 4½ VOLTS.
MMM, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
DO YOU WANT ANOTHER LOOK AT THE POET?
NO, NO, I MUST BE OFF, REALLY.
I'VE GOT THOMAS HARDY IN THE BEDROOM.
I'D LIKE YOU TO LOOK AT HIM.
OH, WELL, I CAN'T TOUCH HIM;
HE'S A NOVELIST.
OH, HE KEEPS MUMBLING ALL NIGHT.
AH, WELL, NOVELISTS DO, YOU SEE.
OH, FORGET HIM!
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DEARY?
HARNESS.
NO, NO... YOUR FIRST NAME, SILLY.
WOMBAT.
OH, WOMBAT! WOMBAT HARNESS!
TAKE ME TO THE PLACE WHERE ETERNITY KNOWS NO BOUNDS
WHERE THE GARDEN OF LOVE ENCLOSES US ROUND.
OH, HARNESS...
ALL RIGHT, I'LL HAVE A QUICK LOOK AT YOUR THOMAS HARDY.
NUDE MAN, WHAT DID YOU MAKE OF THAT?
WELL, DON'T YOU SEE
THAT WAS EXACTLY THE KIND OF EXPLICIT SEXUAL REFERENCE
I'M OBJECTING TO.
IT IS TITILLATION FOR THE SAKE OF IT
A DELIBERATE ATTEMPT AT CHEAP SENSATIONALISM.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE SO-CALLED AVANT-GARDE, LEFT-WING
INTELLECTUAL NAMBY-PAMBIES SAY.
IT IS FILTH!
BISHOP.
OKAY, DON'T ANYBODY MOVE!
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
FOR THE CONSTANT REPETITION IN THIS SHOW.
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
FOR THE CONSTANT REPETITION IN THIS SHOW.
WHEE, WHOOPS!
OH, WHOOPS-A-DAISY!
SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU UP THERE.
WHAT? CAN'T A GUY GET SOME SLEEP AROUND HERE?
A LITTLE PEACE AND QUIET'S ALL I WANT.
SHUT UP RIGHT NOW OR I'M COMING UP.
I...
HOPE...
YOU'RE...
EN...
JOY...
ING...
THIS!
ATTENTION.
THERE'S BEEN A NASTY FIVE-FROG CURSE NEAR THE M4.
PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO THE AREA.
OH, DEAR.
LOOKS BAD.
MMM, VERY BAD.
QUITE AGREED.
ONLY WAY THING TO DO
WITH A MULTIPLE FROG CURSE LIKE THIS.
RIGHTO, GET THE MAGIC WAND.
CLEAR THE AREA.
FIRE!
THANK YOU!
AND NOW A SKETCH ABOUT A CHEMIST
CALLED "THE CHEMIST SKETCH"!
RIGHT, I'VE GOT SOME OF YOUR PRESCRIPTIONS HERE.
UH, WHO'S GOT THE POX?
COME ON, WHO'S GOT THE POX?
COME ON! COME...
CATCH.
WHO'S GOT A BOIL ON THE BUM?
BOIL ON THE BOTTY.
WHO'S GOT THE CHEST RASH?
HAVE TO GET A BIGGER BOTTLE.
WHO'S GOT... WHO'S GOT WIND?
CATCH.
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
FOR THE POOR QUALITY OF THE WRITING IN THAT SKETCH.
IT IS NOT BBC POLICY TO GET EASY LAUGHS
WITH WORDS LIKE "BUM," "KNICKERS," "BOTTY"
OR "WEE-WEES"...SHH!
THESE ARE THE WORDS
WHICH ARE NOT TO BE USED AGAIN ON THIS PROGRAM.
SEMPRINI!?
OUT!
RIGHT, WHO'S GOT A BOIL ON HIS SEMPRINI, THEN?
GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
GOOD MORNING, I'D LIKE SOME AFTERSHAVE, PLEASE.
CERTAINLY, SIR, WALK THIS WAY, PLEASE.
IF I COULD WALK THAT WAY
I WOULDN'T NEED AFTERSHAVE.
GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING, SIR.
CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, I'D LIKE SOME AFTERSHAVE.
AH, A TOILET REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY THIS, SIR?
IT'S OUR VERY LATEST.
IT'S CALLED "SEA MIST."
MMM, I QUITE LIKE IT.
HOW ABOUT SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE MUSKY?
THIS ONE'S CALLED "MIMMO."
MMM, NOT REALLY, NO.
HAVE YOU ANYTHING A LITTLE FISHIER?
FISHIER?
FISHIER.
FISH, FISH, FISH.
A FISHY REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.
LIKE HALIBUT OR SEA BASS.
OR BREAM?
YES.
NO, WE HAVEN'T GOT ANY OF THAT.
UH, I'VE GOT MACKEREL OR COD OR HAKE.
YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANYTHING
A LITTLE MORE HALIBUTISH?
UH... PARROT?
WHAT'S THAT DOING THERE?
OR SKATE WITH JUST A HINT OF PRAWN.
OR CRAB, TIGER AND ALMONDS... VERY UNUSUAL.
I REALLY HAD MY HEART SET ON HALIBUT.
WELL, SIR, WE HAD A FISHY CONSIGNMENT IN THIS MORNING
SO I COULD NIP DOWN TO THE BASEMENT
AND SEE IF I CAN COME UP TRUMPS
WITH THIS PARTICULAR REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.
SO IT WAS HALIBUT OR?
SEA BASS.
SEA BASS! WON'T BE A MOMENT-T-T-T-T-T.
SORRY ABOUT THIS.
NORMALLY WE TRY AND AVOID THESE LITTLE PAUSES... "LONGEURS"...
ONLY DRAMATICALLY HE'S GONE DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, YOU SEE.
COURSE, THERE ISN'T REALLY A BASEMENT.
BUT HE JUST GOES OFF AND WE PRETEND.
ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENS IS HE JUST GOES OFF THERE OFF-CAMERA
AND JUST WAITS THERE
SO IT LOOKS AS THOUGH HE'S GONE DOWN TO THE BASEMENT.
ACTUALLY I THINK HE'S RATHER OVERDOING IT.
AH!
AH, SORRY, SIR.
A LOT OF STEPS.
WELL, I'M AFRAID IT DIDN'T COME IN THIS MORNING, SIR
BUT WE HAVE GOT SOME DOWN AT OUR KENSINGTON BRANCH.
I'LL JUST NIP DOWN THERE AND GET IT FOR YOU.
HOW LONG WILL THAT BE?
TWENTY MINUTES.
TWENTY MINUTES!?
PSST!
OH, I WONDER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE USE FOR AFTERSHAVE LOTION.
I USE A BODY RUB CALLED "HALITOSIS"!
IT MAKES MY BREATH SEEM SWEET!
I USE AN AFTERSHAVE CALLED "SEMPRINI"!
UH, SORRY, SORRY, CAN'T STOP NOW.
I'VE GOT TO GET TO KENSINGTON.
I USE TWO KINDS OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION: FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH...
THREE KINDS OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION:
FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH, SAN...
FOUR KINDS OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION: FRANKINCENSE...
I HAVE A COLD SHOWER EVERY MORNING JUST BEFORE I GO MAD
AND THEN I GO MAD ONE, MAD TWO, MAD THREE, MAD FOUR...
I USE RANCID POLECAT NUMBER TWO.
IT KEEPS MY SKIN NICE AND SCALY.
UH, SORRY AGAIN. CAN'T STOP.
GOT TO GET BACK.
WHOO!
WELL, I'M AFRAID THEY DON'T HAVE ANY
IN OUR KENSINGTON BRANCH
BUT WE HAVE GOT SOME DOWN IN THE DEPOT.
WHERE'S THAT?
ABERDEEN.
ABERDEEN!?
IT'S ALL RIGHT; YOU WAIT HERE.
I'VE GOT A CAR.
NO, NO, NO, I'LL TAKE THE OTHER...
THE CRAB, TIGER AND...
ALMOND REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T?
I'LL TAKE IT.
RIGHT! RIGHT! RIGHT!
NOW, THEN, NOW, THEN!
YOUR TURN.
AREN'T YOU GOING TO SAY
"WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?"
OH, RIGHT... WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?
THIS MAN HAS BEEN SHOPLIFTING, OFFICER.
OH, YES?
YES.
ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME MY JOB?
UH, NO, BUT HE'S BEEN SHOPLIFTING.
LOOK, I MUST WARN YOU
THAT ANYTHING YOU MAY SAY WILL BE IGNORED.
AND FURTHERMORE, GIVEN HALF A CHANCE
I'LL PUT MY FIST THROUGH YOUR TEETH... F'TANG! F'TANG!
BUT OFFICER, THIS MAN HERE...
LOOK, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
OFFICER, IT WASN'T HIM; HE'S THE SHOPLIFTER.
NO, I'M NOT.
HE'S NOT; I'M A WITNESS.
LOOK, ONE MORE PEEP OUT OF YOU
AND I'LL DO YOU FOR HERESY.
HERESY!?
BLIMEY, I DIDN'T EXPECT THE SPANISH INQUISITION.
SHUT UP! F'TANG, F'TANG!
OOH, THAT'S NICE. RIGHT!
I'M TAKING YOU ALONG TO THE STATION.
WHAT FOR?
I'M CHARGING YOU WITH ILLEGAL POSSESSION
OF WHATEVER WE HAPPEN TO HAVE DOWN THERE... RIGHT!
LUNAR MODULE CALLING BUZZ ALDRIN.
COME IN.
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO THE POLICE
ABOUT THE CHARACTER OF POLICE CONSTABLE PAN AM.
HE WAS NOT MEANT TO REPRESENT THE A VERAGE POLICE OFFICER.
SIMILARLY, THE REFERENCE TO BUZZ ALDRIN, THE ASTRONAUT
WAS THE PRODUCT OF A DISORDERED MIND
AND SHOULD NOT BE CONSTRUED AS HAVING ANY OTHER SIGNIFICANCE.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!
OH! THAT WAS FUN!
AND NOW...
THE END! THE END!
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll