HELLO, GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO IT'S A LIVING.
THE RULES ARE VERY SIMPLE.
EACH WEEK WE GET A LARGE FEE.
AT THE END OF THAT WEEK WE GET ANOTHER LARGE FEE.
IF THERE'S BEEN NO INTERRUPTION AT THE END OF THE YEAR
WE GET A REPEAT FEE
WHICH CAN BE ADDED ON FOR TAX PURPOSES
TO THE PREVIOUS YEAR
OR THE FOLLOWING YEAR IF THERE'S NO NEW SERIES.
EVERY CONTESTANT, IN ADDITION TO GETTING A LARGE FEE
IS ENTITLED TO THREE DRINKS AT THE BBC
OR, IF THE SHOW IS OVER, SEVEN DRINKS
UNLESS HE'S AN M.P.
IN WHICH CASE HE CAN HAVE SEVEN DRINKS BEFORE THE SHOW
OR A BISHOP ONLY THREE DRINKS IN TOTO.
THE WINNERS WILL RECEIVE AN ADDITIONAL FEE
A PRIZE WHICH THEY CAN FLOG BACK
AND A SPECIAL FEE FOR A GUEST APPEARANCE
ON LATE NIGHT LINEUP.
WELL, THOSE ARE THE RULES, THAT'S THE GAME
WE'LL BE BACK AGAIN SAME TIME NEXT WEEK.
TILL THEN, BYE-BYE.
WELL, IT'S FIVE PAST NINE
AND NEARLY TIME FOR SIX PAST NINE.
ON BBC 2 IT'LL SHORTLY BE 6½ MINUTES PAST NINE.
LATER ON THIS EVENING, IT'LL BE 10:00
AND AT 10:30, WE'LL BE JOINING BBC 2 IN TIME FOR 10:33.
AND DON'T FORGET TOMORROW, WHEN IT'LL BE 9:20.
THOSE OF YOU WHO MISSED 8:45 ON FRIDAY
WILL BE ABLE TO SEE IT AGAIN THIS FRIDAY
AT A QUARTER TO NINE.
IT'S 6½ MINUTES TO THE BIG GREEN THING.
YOU'RE A LOONY.
I GET SO BORED, I GET SO BLOODY BORED.
THIS WAY, PLEASE.
RIGHT-O, I'M COMING.
YES, SIR... THIS WAY, EH?
BLOODY HELL, WHERE ARE THE LIGHTS?
OH, DAMN, WHERE ARE THEY?
HOW DOES THIS TURN OFF?
OH, I'M UNSTUCK.
OH! AH! OH!
WHERE ARE THE LIGHTS?
OH! OH, HERE THEY ARE.
OOH!
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
YOU PROBABLY NOTICED THAT I DIDN'T SAY
"AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT" JUST NOW.
THIS IS SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM UNABLE
TO APPEAR IN THE SHOW THIS WEEK.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT MY TOOTH'S HURTING
JUST AROUND HERE.
GET OFF!
OH, SORRY.
I'M NOT SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
I'LL INTERRUPT ANYTHING
IF IT GETS PEOPLE LOOKING IN MY DIRECTION
LIKE AT MY OLD SCHOOL WHERE, BY A COINCIDENCE
THE ANNUAL PRIZE-GIVING IS GOING ON AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
MY LORD MAYOR, LADY MAYORESS...
IT GIVES ME VERY GREAT PLEASURE TO RETURN TO MY OLD SCHOOL
TO PRESENT THE PRIZES IN THIS CENTENARY YEAR.
THIS SCHOOL TAKES VERY JUSTIFIABLE PRIDE
IN ITS FINE RECORD OF...
...SCHOLARSHIP AND SPORTING ACHIEVEMENT...
I'M... I'M AFRAID THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE.
THE MAN WHO HAS BEEN SPEAKING TO YOU IS AN IMPOSTOR.
HE IS NOT IN FACT THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA
BUT A MAN WANTED BY THE POLICE.
I AM THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA
AND ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE ME CAN LOOK ME UP IN THE BOOK.
NOW THEN, THE FIRST PRIZE IS THIS BEAUTIFUL SILVER CUP
WHICH HAS BEEN WON BY ME.
NEXT WE COME
TO THE FAIRFAX ATKINSON TROPHY
FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT
IN THE FIELD OF APPLIED MATHEMATICS.
WELL, THERE WAS NO ONE THIS YEAR
WHO REACHED THE REQUIRED STANDARD
AND SO IT GOES IN MY SACK.
AND BY AN OLD RULE OF THE SCHOOL
ALL THE OTHER SILVER TROPHIES ALSO GO IN MY SACK...
VELLY SOLLY FOR HOLD-UP.
NO PROBLEM NOW.
ME, BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA, NOW PRESENT PRIZES.
EYES DOWN FOR FIRST PRIZE...
THE FYFFE-CHULMLEIGH SPOON FOR LATIN ELEGIACS
GOES TO... PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA!
GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY.
MY NAME'S BRADSHAW... INSPECTOR ELIZABETH BRADSHAW...
OF THE SPECIAL BRANCH SPEECH DAY SQUAD
BUT I'D LIKE YOU TO THINK OF ME AS THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA
AND I'D LIKE TO PRESENT THE FIRST PRIZE...
THE GRIMWADE GYNN...
LORD MAYOR, LADY MAYORESS, MR. CHAIRMAN
LADIES, GENTLEMEN AND BOYS, PLEASE DO NOT PANIC.
PLEASE KEEP YOUR HEADS RIGHT DOWN NOW
AND AT THE BACK, PLEASE KEEP YOUR HEADS RIGHT DOWN.
DO NOT PANIC, DON'T LOOK ROUND, THIS BUILDING IS SURROUNDED.
THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
I AM THE BISHOP OF EAST ANGLIA.
NOW, THE FIRST PRIZE IS
THE GRANVILLE CUP FOR FRENCH UNSEEN TRANSLATION.
AND IT GOES TO FORBES MINOR... FORBES MINOR.
RIGHT, GIVE HIM COVERING FIRE.
COME ON, FORBES, COME ON, BOY!
COME AND GET IT, KEEP DOWN.
WELL DONE.
OH, BAD LUCK!
THE NEXT PRIZE...
MR. L.F. DIBLEY'S LATEST FILM, IF.
MR. DIBLEY, SOME PEOPLE HAVE DRAWN COMPARISONS
BETWEEN YOUR FILM, IF
WHICH ENDS WITH A GUN BATTLE AT A PUBLIC SCHOOL
AND MR. LINDSAY ANDERSON'S FILM, IF
WHICH ENDS WITH A GUN BATTLE AT A PUBLIC SCHOOL.
OH, YES, WELL, I MEAN
THERE WERE SOME PEOPLE
WHO SAID MY FILM, 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY
WAS SIMILAR TO STANLEY KUBRICK'S.
I MEAN, THAT'S THE SORT OF PETTY CRITICAL NIGGLING
THAT'S DOGGED MY CAREER.
IT MAKES ME SICK.
I MEAN, AS SOON AS I'D MADE MIDNIGHT COWBOY
WITH THE VICAR AS RATSO RIZZO
JOHN SCHLESINGER RUSHES OUT HIS VERSION AND GETS IT PREMIERED
WHILE MINE'S STILL AT THE CHEMIST'S.
WELL, WE HAVE WITH US TONIGHT ONE OF YOUR FILMS, REAR WINDOW
WHICH WAS TO BECOME SUCH A SUCCESS FOR ALFRED HITCHCOCK
A FEW WEEKS LATER.
NOW, THIS IS A SILENT FILM
SO PERHAPS YOU COULD TALK US THROUGH IT.
YES, WELL, LET'S SEE, NOW
THERE'S THE REAR WINDOW.
THERE'S THE MAN LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW.
HE SEES THE MURDER.
THE MURDERER'S COME INTO THE ROOM TO KILL HIM
BUT HE'S OUTWITTED HIM AND HE'S ALL RIGHT.
THE END.
I MEAN, ALFRED HITCHCOCK
WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE SO BLOODY WONDERFUL
PADDED THAT OUT TO 1½ HOURS.
LOST ALL THE TENSION.
JUST BECAUSE HE HAD BLOODY GRACE KELLY
HE MADE £3 MILLION MORE THAN I DID.
MIND YOU, AT LEAST SHE CAN ACT A BIT.
I COULD HAVE DONE WITH HER IN FINIAN'S RAINBOW.
THE MAN FROM THE OFF-LICENSE WAS TERRIBLE.
A REAL FAILURE THAT WAS... TEN SECONDS OF SOLID BOREDOM.
BLOODY TERRIBLE.
MR. L.F. DIBLEY'S FINIAN'S RAINBOW.
AND NOW OVER TO ME.
EXCLUSIVELY ON THE PROGRAM TODAY
WE HAVE THE FOREIGN SECRETARY, WHO HAS JUST RETURNED
FROM THE BITTER FIGHTING IN THE GULF OF AMMAN.
HE'S GOING TO TELL US ABOUT CANOEING.
THAT GIVES YOU JUST SOME IDEA OF WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE.
TODAY SAW THE LONG-AWAITED PUBLICATION
OF THE PORTMAN COMMITTEE'S REPORT
ON INDUSTRIAL REORGANIZATION.
IT'S TAKEN FIVE YEARS TO PREPARE
AND IT'S BOUND TO HAVE AN ENORMOUS IMPACT
ON THE FUTURE OF INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS IN THIS COUNTRY.
IN THE STUDIO TONIGHT
LORD PORTMAN, CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE
SIR CHARLES AVERY, EMPLOYERS' REORGANIZATION COUNCIL
AND RAY MILLICHOPE, LEADER OF THE ALLIED TECHNICIANS' UNION
AND THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE A HUMAN PYRAMID.
BRA-VO!
NOW THE PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF TRADE.
GOOD EVENING.
NOW HERE'S THE VICE-CHAIRMAN OF I.C.I.
GOOD EVENING.
WELL, SO MUCH FOR POLITICS
AND THE PROBLEMS OF BRITAIN'S INDUSTRIAL REORGANIZATION.
NOW WE TURN TO THE LIGHTER SUBJECT OF SPORT
AND REG HARRIS, THE FORMER WORLD CYCLING SPRINT CHAMPION
TALKS TO US ABOUT THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS
OF BIG RACE PREPARATION.
AND NOW THE WORLD OF SONG... ANNE ZEIGLER AND WEBSTER BOOTH.
WELL, ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END
AND THAT'S ALL FOR THIS WEEK, BUT TO CLOSE OUR PROGRAM
DAME IRENE STOAT, WHO CELEBRATES HER 85th BIRTHDAY THIS MONTH
READS ONE OF HER MOST FAMOUS POEMS.
"WHO SHALL DECLARE THIS GOOD, THAT ILL
"WHEN GOOD AND ILL SO INTERTWINE BUT TO FULFILL THE VAST DESIGN
"OF AN OMNISCIENT WILL.
WHEN SEEMING GAIN BUT TURNS TO LOSS..."
"WHEN EARTHLY TREASURE PROVES BUT DROSS
"AND WHAT SEEMED LOST BUT TURNS AGAIN
TO HIGH ETERNAL GAIN."
WE HAD THE MOST MARVELOUS HOLIDAY.
IT WAS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC.
ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL.
MICHAEL, YOU TELL THEM ABOUT IT.
NO, DARLING, YOU COULD TELL IT BETTER.
EXCUSE ME A MOMENT.
DUNG, SIR.
WHAT?
WE GOT YOUR DUNG.
WHAT DUNG?
THREE HUNDREDWEIGHT OF HEAVY DROPPINGS.
WHERE DO YOU WANT IT?
I DIDN'T ORDER ANY DUNG.
YES, YOU DID, SIR.
YOU ORDERED IT THROUGH THE BOOK-OF-THE-MONTH CLUB.
BOOK-OF- THE-MONTH CLUB?
THAT'S RIGHT, SIR.
YOU GET GONE WITH THE WIND
LES MISERABLES BY VICTOR HUGO
THE FRENCH LIEUTENANT'S WOMAN
AND WITH EVERY THIRD BOOK, YOU GET DUNG.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WHEN I SIGNED THE FORM.
WELL, NO, NO, IT WASN'T ON THE FORM.
THEY FOUND IT WASN'T GOOD FOR BUSINESS.
WE GOT THREE HUNDREDWEIGHT OF DUNG IN THE VAN.
WHERE DO YOU WANT IT?
I DON'T THINK WE DO.
WE'VE NO GARDEN.
IT'LL FIT HERE... IT'S TOP-CLASS EXCREMENT.
YOU CAN'T PUT IT IN HERE.
WE'VE HAVING A DINNER PARTY!
IT'S ALL RIGHT, I'LL PUT IT ON THE TELLY.
DARLING, THERE'S A MAN HERE
WITH OUR BOOK-OF- THE-MONTH-CLUB DUNG.
WE'VE NO ROOM, DEAR.
WELL, HOW MANY ROOMS HAVE YOU GOT, THEN?
WELL, THERE'S ONLY THIS ROOM, THE BEDROOM, A SPARE ROOM.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
MOVE EVERYTHING INTO THE MAIN BEDROOM
THEN YOU CAN USE THE SPARE ROOM AS A DUNG ROOM.
YES?
DEAD INDIAN.
WHAT?
HAVE YOU RECENTLY BOUGHT A NEW COOKER, SIR?
AH, WELL, THIS IS YOUR FREE DEAD INDIAN, AS ADVERTISED.
I DIDN'T SEE THAT IN THE ADVERTS.
OH, NO, IT'S IN VERY SMALL PRINT, YOU SEE, SIR
SO AS NOT TO AFFECT THE SALES.
WE'VE NO ROOM.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN PUT THE DEAD INDIAN
IN THE SPARE ROOM ON TOP OF THE DUNG.
YEAH.
ME HEAP DIZZY!
HE'S NOT DEAD!
OH, WELL, THAT'S PROBABLY A FAULTY COOKER.
HAVE YOU READ AND EN JOYED
THE FRENCH LIEUTENANT'S WOMAN, THEN?
NO.
STILL, IT'S WORTH IT FOR THE DUNG, ISN'T IT?
DARLING, IT'S THE MILK MARKETING BOARD.
FOR EVERY TWO CARTONS OF SINGLE CREAM, WE GET THE M4 MOTORWAY.
ARE YOU MR. AND MRS. P. FORBES OF 7, THE STUDIOS, ELSTREE?
YES.
RIGHT, WELL, GET IN THE CAR.
WE'VE WON YOU IN A POLICE RAFFLE.
YES, THIS COUPLE WAS JUST ONE OF THE PRIZES
IN THIS YEAR'S POLICE RAFFLE.
OTHER PRIZES INCLUDE TWO YEARS FOR BREAKING AND ENTERING
A CRATE OF SEARCH WARRANTS
A "WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN?" T-SHIRT
AND A WEEKEND FOR TWO WITH A SKINHEAD OF YOUR OWN CHOICE.
AND THAT'S NOT ALL!
THREE FABULOUS NEW PRIZES HAVE JUST BEEN ADDED:
A FOUR-MONTH SUPPLY OF INTERESTING UNDERGARMENTS
A FULLY MOTORIZED PIG
AND A HAND-PAINTED SCENE OF ARABIAN SPLENDOR
COMPLETE WITH SILLY WALKER.
FINALLY, ADD THE SLICED MEAT
GARNISH THE VEGETABLES
AND VOILA... A MEAL FIT FOR A...
PERSONALLY, I PREFER MORE CLASSICAL DISHES.
NIGEL, WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU.
SUPER, SUPER, SUPER.
AM I A TEENY BIT LATE?
WELL, A BIT... AN HOUR.
OH, SUPER.
ONLY SNOWDON'S BEEN RETOUCHING MY PROFILE
AND WE CAN'T UPSET THE LOVELY SNOWDON, CAN WE?
DAVID BLOGGS, THE ONE AND ONLY...
SUPER TO SEE YOU.
WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?
COME AND WORK FOR ME.
I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW.
IT IS REALLY LOVELY TO HAVE THIS LITTLE CHAT WITH YOU.
WELL, I...
IT IS SO NICE TO BE ABLE TO HAVE
THIS LITTLE TALK ABOUT THINGS.
I HEARD A TEENY RUMORLETTE THAT YOU WERE MARRIED.
NOT QUITE, NO... MY WIFE'S JUST DIED, ACTUALLY.
OH, DEAR...
BRIAN!
WE MUST GET TOGETHER AGAIN SOON.
SEE YOU.
BYE!
PERHAPS WE COULD DO A TRIBUTE
TO HER ON THE SHOW.
WELL, NO...
I'LL GET PETER, WILLIAM, ARTHUR
ALEX, JOAN, TED, SCOTT, WILF, JOHN
AND RAY TO FIX IT UP.
BUT IT'S SO NICE HAVING THIS LITTLE CHAT.
ACTUALLY, TIMMY
I'M GLAD TO GET YOU ON YOUR OWN.
YOU DON'T MIND IF PETER JUST SITS IN, DO YOU?
WELL, ACTUALLY...
HE'S DOING AN ARTICLE ON ME
FOR THE MAIL.
HE'S SUCH A LOVELY PERSON.
PETER, THIS IS ONE OF THE NICEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD...
NIGEL WATT... W-A-DOUBLE-T.
THAT'S RIGHT, YES.
ACTUALLY, TIMMY, THE THING IS, IT'S A BIT PRIVATE.
OH, YOU DON'T MIND
IF PETER JUST SITS IN, DO YOU?
PETER'S WRITING A BOOK ON ME.
PETER, YOU KNOW TONY FROM THE MAIL, DON'T YOU?
WE MET IN THE TURKISH BATH YESTERDAY.
SUPER, SUPER... DID IT COME OUT WELL
IN THE WRITING YESTERDAY?
GREAT, GREAT.
YOU TOOK OUT THE TUMMY REFERENCE, DIDN'T YOU?
YES, I DID.
SUPER, SUPER.
JUST TO FILL YOU IN
THIS IS NIGEL WATTS
AND WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE HEART-TO-HEART...
H-E-A-R-T.
DO GO ON, NIGEL.
WELL, THE THING IS, TIMMY, UM...
DO CARRY ON... IT'S THE TV TIMES
ONLY THEY SYNDICATE THESE PHOTOGRAPHS TO AMERICA.
WOULD YOU MIND IF WE JUST...
SUPER, SUPER.
ONE OVER HERE, I THINK, BOB.
A LITTLE SMILE, PLEASE.
SMASHING, SMASHING.
FEEL FREE, BOB, TO CIRCULATE, WON'T YOU?
DO GO ON... THIS IS MOST INTERESTING.
THE THING IS, TIMMY
I'M A BIT EMBARRASSED.
OH, MR. WILLIAMS
IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU.
WILL YOU SIGN THIS
FOR MY LITTLE DAUGHTER, PLEASE?
HELLO, MARIO.
SUPER, WONDERFUL.
JUST TWO LOVELY COFFEES, PLEASE.
SORRY.
TIMMY, CAN WE JUST GO
FROM WHERE MARIO COMES IN?
WE'RE GETTING BAD SOUND, OKAY?
IT'S GERMAN TELEVISION.
ISN'T IT EXCITING, NIGEL?
THEY'RE DOING A PRIZEWINNING DOCUMENTARY ON ME.
THE WONDERFUL MR. WILLIAMS, SCENE 239, TAKE 2.
SPEED.
ACTION!
MARIO, HOW SUPER TO SEE YOU!
HOW ARE THE LOVELY FAMILY?
PLEASE GIVE YOUR LITTLE DAUGHTER THIS.
THANK YOU.
AND JUST TWO LOVELY COFFEES, PLEASE.
YES, SIR.
SUCH A LOVELY WAITER!
NOW, GO ON, PLEASE.
THIS IS MOST INTERESTING.
WELL, AS I WAS SAYING, TIMMY
MY WIFE'S GONE...
GONE.
I'VE GOT THREE CHILDREN, AND I'M AT MY WITS' END.
NO JOB, NO INSURANCE, NO MONEY AT ALL.
I'M ABSOLUTELY FLAT BROKE.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN.
I'M ABSOLUTELY AT THE END OF MY TETHER.
YOU'RE MY ONLY CHANCE.
CAN YOU HELP ME, PLEASE, TIMMY?
SORRY, I WAS ON THE PHONE TO AMERICA.
IT'S BEEN SUPER HAVING THIS LOVELY LITTLE CHAT.
WE MUST DO THIS AGAIN MORE OFTEN.
WILL YOU GET THE COFFEES?
I'M AFRAID I MUST DASH.
I'M AN HOUR LATE FOR THE ISRAELI EMBASSY.
DID YOU GET THAT SHOT ALL RIGHT, SOUND?
YES, FINE.
IT WASN'T A BIT TOO WICKED, WAS IT?
I MEAN, IT WASN'T TOO CRUEL?
NO, NO, NO.
IT WAS GREAT.
NO, SUPER... WELL, I THINK
IT SHOWS I'M HUMAN, DON'T YOU?
YEAH, IT'S GREAT.
WELL, THE CHARABANC'S HERE.
COME ON, EVERYBODY.
BYE!
TIMMY WILLIAMS COFFEE TIME WAS BROUGHT TO YOU LIVE
FROM WOPPI'S IN HOLBORN.
GOOD EVENING.
I HAVE WITH ME IN THE STUDIO TONIGHT
ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S LEADING SKIN SPECIALISTS
RAYMOND LUXURY YACHT.
THAT'S NOT MY NAME.
I'M SORRY, RAYMOND LUXURY YACH-T.
NO, NO, NO.
IT'S SPELT "RAYMOND LUXURY YACH-T"
BUT IT'S PRONOUNCED "THROATWOBBLER MANGROVE."
YOU ARE A VERY SILLY MAN, AND I'M NOT GOING TO INTERVIEW YOU.
ANTI-SEMITISM.
NOT AT ALL.
IT'S NOT EVEN A PROPER NOSE.
IT'S POLYSTYRENE.
GIVE ME MY NOSE BACK.
YOU CAN COLLECT IT AT RECEPTION... NOW, GO AWAY.
I WANT TO BE ON TELEVISION.
WELL, YOU CAN'T.
PSST!
ALL CLEAR.
WHOO, WHEE!
HI, THERE, BIG BOY.
WHOO, WHEE!
HEY, CUPIE!
HELLO, TIGER.
WHOO, WHEE!
TIGER!
WHOO, WHEE!
TIGER.
HEY, TIGER...
EXCUSE ME, I WANT TO GET MARRIED.
I'M AFRAID I'M ALREADY MARRIED, SIR.
NO, I JUST WANT TO GET MARRIED.
I COULD GET A DIVORCE, I SUPPOSE
BUT IT WOULD BE A BIT OF A WRENCH.
NO, NO, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY, BECAUSE...
SEE, WOULD YOU COME TO MY PLACE
OR SHOULD I HAVE TO COME TO YOURS
BECAUSE I'VE JUST GOT A BIG MORTGAGE?
NO, I WANT TO GET MARRIED HERE.
OH, DEAR, I HAD MY HEART SET ON A CHURCH WEDDING.
LOOK, I JUST WANT YOU TO MARRY ME TO...
I WANT TO MARRY YOU, TOO, SIR
BUT IT'S NOT AS SIMPLE AS THAT.
YOU'RE SURE YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED.
YES, I WANT TO GET MARRIED VERY QUICKLY.
SUITS ME, SIR, SUITS ME.
I DON'T WANT TO MARRY YOU.
THERE IS SUCH A THING
AS BREACH OF PROMISE, SIR.
LOOK, I JUST WANT YOU
TO ACT AS REGISTRAR AND MARRY ME.
I WILL MARRY YOU, SIR
BUT PLEASE MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
PLEASE DON'T TRIFLE WITH MY AFFECTIONS.
I'M SORRY, BUT...
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SIR.
I FORGIVE YOU... LOVERS' TIFF.
YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO ASK ME TODAY.
I'VE TURNED DOWN SEVERAL PEOPLE ALREADY.
LOOK, I'M ALREADY ENGAGED.
YES, AND I'M ALREADY MARRIED.
STILL WE'LL GET ROUND IT.
GOOD MORNING, I WANT TO GET MARRIED.
I'M AFRAID I'M ALREADY MARRYING
THIS GENTLEMAN, SIR.
WELL, CAN I GET MARRIED AFTER HIM?
WELL, DIVORCE ISN'T AS QUICK AS THAT, SIR.
STILL, IF YOU'RE KEEN.
I WANT TO GET MARRIED, PLEASE.
HEAVENS, IT'S MY LUCKY DAY, ISN'T IT?
ALL RIGHT.
YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT
TILL I'VE MARRIED THESE TWO, SIR.
WHAT, THOSE TWO, GETTING MARRIED?
NIGEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING MARRYING HIM?
HE'S MARRYING ME, FIRST, SIR.
HE'S ENGAGED TO ME.
COME ON, HENRY.
BLIMEY, THE WIFE.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I'M ALREADY MARRIED.
WELL, THINGS TURNED OUT
ALL RIGHT IN THE END
BUT YOU MUSTN'TASK HOW, BECAUSE IT'S NAUGHTY.
THEY'RE ALL MARRIED AND LIVING QUITE WELL
IN A COUNCIL ESTATE NEAR DULWICH.
TODAY I WANT TO TELL YOU A STORY.
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS AN ENCHANTED PRINCE
WHO RULED THE LAND BEYOND THE WUBBLES.
ONE DAY, HE DISCOVERED A SPOT ON HIS FACE.
FOOLISHLY, HE IGNORED IT.
AND THREE YEARS LATER HE DIED OF...
GANGRENE.
THE SPOT, HOWEVER, FLOURISHED
AND SOON SET OUT TO SEEK ITS FORTUNE.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
AGNES, DID YOU SEE WHO JUST MOVED IN NEXT DOOR?
YES, BLACK AS THE ACE OF SPADES.
OOH, THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD
THEM AND THEIR SMELLY COOKING.
AND THE NOISE.
AND THEY BREED LIKE RABBITS.
OH, YES.
HELLO, AND WELCOME TO ELECTION NIGHT SPECIAL.
THERE'S GREAT EXCITEMENT HERE AT THE MOMENT
AS WE SHOULD BE GETTING THE FIRST RESULT THROUGH
ANY MOMENT NOW; WE DON'T KNOW WHERE IT WILL BE FROM.
IT MIGHT BE FROM LEICESTER OR FROM LUTON.
THE POLLING'S BEEN QUITE HEAVY IN BOTH AREAS.
OH, WAIT A MOMENT... I'M JUST GETTING
A LOUD BUZZING NOISE IN MY LEFT EAR.
EXCUSE ME A MOMENT.
ANYWAY, LET'S GO STRAIGHT OVER
TO JAMES GILBERT AT LEICESTER.
WELL, IT'S A STRAIGHT FIGHT HERE AT LEICESTER.
ON THE LEFT OF THE RETURNING OFFICER
YOU CAN SEE ARTHUR SMITH, THE SENSIBLE CANDIDATE
AND HIS AGENT, AND ON THE OTHER SIDE IS
THE SILLY CANDIDATE, JETHRO WALRUSTITTY
WITH HIS AGENT AND HIS WIFE.
HERE IS THE RESULT FOR LEICESTER:
ARTHUR J. SMITH...
SENSIBLE PARTY.
30,612.
JETHRO Q. WALRUSTITTY.
SILLY PARTY.
32,108.
WELL, THERE'S THE FIRST RESULT
AND THE SILLY PARTY HAVE HELD LEICESTER.
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT, NORMAN?
WELL, THIS IS LARGELY AS I PREDICTED
EXCEPT THAT THE SILLY PARTY WON.
BUT THEN, THIS IS MAINLY DUE
TO THE NUMBER OF VOTES CAST... GERALD.
WELL, THERE'S A SWING HERE TO THE SILLY PARTY
BUT HOW BIG A SWING I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU.
WELL, IF I MAY, I THINK THE INTERESTING THING HERE
IS THE BIG SWING TO THE SILLY PARTY
AND OF COURSE, THE VERY LARGE SWING BACK TO THE SENSIBLE PARTY
AND A TENDENCY TO WOBBLE UP AND DOWN IN THE MIDDLE
BECAUSE THE SCREW IS LOOSE.
I'M AFRAID I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING.
I CAN'T ADD ANYTHING TO THAT... COLIN?
CAN I JUST BUTT IN AT THIS POINT AND SAY THIS IS IN FACT
THE VERY FIRST TIME I'VE EVER APPEARED ON TELEVISION?
NO, WE HAVEN'T TIME BECAUSE WE'RE GOING
STRAIGHT OVER TO LUTON.
HERE AT LUTON
IT'S A THREE-CORNERED FIGHT
BETWEEN ALAN JONES, SENSIBLE PARTY, IN THE MIDDLE
TARQUIN FIN-TIM-LIN-BIN-WHIN- BIM-LIN-BUS-STOP-F'TANG-F'TANG- OLE-BISCUITBARREL...
SILLY PARTY...
AND KEVIN PHILLIPS-BONG, THE SLIGHTLY SILLY CANDIDATE.
ALAN JONES...
ON THE LEFT, SENSIBLE PARTY.
9,112.
KEVIN PHILLIPS-BONG...
ON THE RIGHT, SLIGHTLY SILLY.
NAUGHT.
TARQUIN FIN-TIM-LIN-BIN-WHIN- BIM-LIN-BUS-STOP-F'TANG-F'TANG- OLE-BISCUITBARREL...
SILLY.
12,441.
AND SO THE SILLY PARTY HAS TAKEN LUTON.
A GAIN FOR THE SILLY PARTY AT LUTON
THE FIRST GAIN OF THE ELECTION... NORMAN.
WELL, THIS IS A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT RESULT.
LUTON, NORMALLY A VERY SENSIBLE CONSTITUENCY
WITH A HIGH PROPORTION OF PEOPLE WHO AREN'T A BIT SILLY
HAS GONE COMPLETELY GAGA.
DO WE HAVE THE SWING AT LUTON?
WELL, I'VE WORKED OUT THE SWING, BUT IT'S A SECRET.
ER... WELL, AH, THERE...
THERE ISN'T THE SWING, AND HOW ABOUT THE SWONG?
WELL, I'VE GOT THE SWONG HERE IN THIS BOX, AND IT'S LOOKING FINE.
I CAN SEE THROUGH THE BREATHING HOLES
THAT IT'S EATING UP PEANUTS AT A RATE OF KNOTS.
AND HOW ABOUT THE SWANG?
WELL, IT'S 29% UP OVER 600 FEET
BUT IT'S A LITTLE BIT SOFT AROUND THE EDGES ABOUT...
WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THE NYLON DOT CARDIGAN
AND PLASTIC MULE REST?
THERE'S NO SUCH THING.
THANK YOU, SPIKE.
CAN I JUST COME IN HERE AND SAY
THAT THE SWONG HAS CHOKED ITSELF TO DEATH?
WELL, THE ELECTION'S REALLY BEGINNING TO HOT UP NOW.
I CAN'T ADD ANYTHING TO THAT.
CAN I JUST ADD AT THIS POINT THIS IS IN FACT THE SECOND TIME
I'VE EVER APPEARED ON TELEVISION?
I'M SORRY, SASHA, WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO GET ANOTHER RESULT.
HELLO, FROM HARPENDEN.
THIS IS A KEY SEAT, BECAUSE IN ADDITION
TO THE OFFICIAL SILLY CANDIDATE
THERE IS AN INDEPENDENT VERY SILLY CANDIDATE
WHO MA Y SPLIT THE SILLY VOTE.
MR. ELSIE ZZZZZZZZZ...
SILLY.
26,317...
JAMES WALKER...
SENSIBLE.
26,318.
THAT WAS CLOSE.
MALCOLM PETER BRIAN TELESCOPE ADRIAN UMBRELLA STAND JASPER
WEDNESDAY STOATGOBBLER JOHN RAW VEGETABLE
ARTHUR NORMAN MICHAEL
FEATHERSTONE SMITH
NORTHGOT EDWARDS HARRIS
MASON
CHUF, CHUF, CHUF
FRAMPTON JONES FRUITBAT GILBERT...
WILLIAMS "IF I COULD WALK THAT WAY" JENKIN
TIGER DRAWERS PRATT THOMPSON
DARCY CARTER
PUSSYCAT
BARTON MANNERING
SMITH.
VERY SILLY.
TWO.
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT...
A SENSIBLE GAIN HERE AT DRIFFIELD.
NORMAN.
WELL, I'VE JUST HEARD
FROM LUTON THAT MY AUNTIE'S ILL...
POSSIBLY, POSSIBLY GASTROENTERITIS... GERALD.
WELL, IF THIS WERE REPEATED OVER THE WHOLE COUNTRY
IT'D PROBABLY BE VERY MESSY... COLIN.
CAN I JUST BUTT IN AND SAY HERE THAT IT'S PROBABLY THE LAST TIME
I SHALL EVER APPEAR ON TELEVISION?
NO, I'M AFRAID YOU CAN'T.
WE HAVEN'T GOT TIME.
JUST TO BRING YOU UP TO DATE
WITH THE FEW RESULTS THAT YOU MAY HAVE MISSED
ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK HAS TAKEN BARROW-IN-FURNESS.
THAT'S A GAIN FROM ANN HAYDON- JONES AND HER HUSBAND PIP.
ARTHUR NEGUS HAS HELD BRISTOLS.
THAT'S NOT A RESULT, THAT'S A BIT OF GOSSIP.
AND ER... MARY WHITEHOUSE HAS JUST TAKEN UMBRAGE.
COULD BE A BIT OF TROUBLE THERE.
AND APPARENTLY WALES IS NOT SWINGING AT ALL.
NO SURPRISE THERE.
AND MONTY PYTHON HAS HELD THE CREDITS.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll