COME IN.
AH, FROG.
S. FROG.
SHUT UP.
I WANT TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, FROG.
S. FROG, SIR. SHUT UP.
IT'S ABOUT YOUR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN
FOR CONQUISTADOR COFFEE.
NOW, I'VE HAD THE MANAGING DIRECTOR
OF CONQUISTADOR TO SEE ME THIS MORNING
AND HE'S VERY UNHAPPY WITH YOUR CAMPAIGN.
VERY UNHAPPY.
IN FACT, HE SHOT HIMSELF.
BADLY, SIR?
NO. EXTREMELY WELL.
WELL, BEFORE HE WENT
HE LEFT A NOTE WITH THE COMPANY SECRETARY.
THE EFFECT OF WHICH WAS HOW DISAPPOINTED HE WAS
WITH YOUR WORK AND IN PARTICULAR
WHY YOU WOULD CHANGE THE NAME
"CONQUISTADOR INSTANT COFFEE" TO "CONQUISTADOR INSTANT LEPROSY."
WHY, FROG?
S. FROG, SIR.
SHUT UP.
WHY DID YOU DO IT?
IT WAS A JOKE.
A JOKE?
NO. NO, NOT A JOKE.
A SALES CAMPAIGN.
I SEE, FROG.
S. FROG, SIR.
SHUT UP.
NOW, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THE SALES CHART.
WHEN YOU TOOK OVER THIS ACCOUNT, FROG
CONQUISTADOR WAS BRAND LEADER.
HERE YOU INTRODUCED YOUR FIRST CAMPAIGN...
"CONQUISTADOR COFFEE BRINGS A NEW MEANING
TO THE WORD 'VOMIT'."
HERE YOU MADE YOUR SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFER
OF A FREE DEAD DOG WITH EVERY JAR.
AND THIS FOLLOWED YOUR SECOND CAMPAIGN
"THE TINGLING FRESH COFFEE
"WHICH BRINGS YOU EXCITING NEW CHOLERA, MANGE, SAPPORTIA
"DROPSY, THE CLAP, HARD PAD, AND ATHLETE'S HEAD
FROM THE HOUSE OF CONQUISTADOR."
IT WAS A SOFT SELL, SIR.
WHY, FROG?
S. FROG, SIR.
SHUT UP.
WELL?
WELL, PEOPLE KNOW THE NAME, SIR.
THEY CERTAINLY DO KNOW THE NAME.
THEY BURNED THE FACTORY DOWN.
THE OWNER IS HIDING IN MY BATHROOM.
THE OWNER WAS HIDING IN MY BATHROOM.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIRE ME, SIR?
FIRE YOU?
THREE MEN DEAD, THE FACTORY BURNED DOWN
THE ACCOUNT LOST
AND OUR FIRM COMPLETELY BANKRUPT.
WHAT CAN YOU POSSIBLY SAY?
WHAT EXCUSE CAN YOU POSSIBLY MAKE!
SORRY, FATHER.
AH, YES.
OH, INCIDENTALLY, YOUR FILM'S WON A PRIZE.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY
DIFF COMPLETELY...
DIFF COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
IT'S...
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
1929. STANLEY BALDWIN'S CONSERVATIVE GOVERNMENT
IS DEFEATED
AND RAMSAY MacDONALD BECOMES
FOR THE SECOND TIME
PRIME MINISTER OF ENGLAND.
WHEW. MY, IT'S HOT IN HERE.
HELLO? COME IN.
AH, HELLO, HELLO.
HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT
FOR THE BRIEFCASE?
WELL, I...
ALL RIGHT, THEN
THE BRIEFCASE AND THE UMBRELLA
A FIVER DOWN, MUST BE MY FINAL OFFER.
I DON'T REALLY WANT TO SELL THEM.
I'VE COME FOR A JOB.
OH, TAKE A SEAT. TAKE A SEAT.
THANK YOU.
I SEE YOU CHOSE THE CANVAS CHAIR
WITH THE ALUMINUM FRAME.
I'LL THROW THAT IN.
THAT AND THE FIVER FOR THE BRIEFCASE AND THE UMBRELLA.
NO, MAKE IT FAIR, THE BRIEFCASE AND THE UMBRELLA
AND THE TWO PENS IN YOUR BREAST POCKET
AND THE CHAIR'S YOURS AND A FIVER
AND A PAIR OF EX-GERMAN U-BOAT COMMANDER'S BINOCULARS.
REALLY, THEY'RE NOT FOR SALE.
NOT FOR SALE?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I CAME ABOUT THE ADVERTISEMENT
FOR THE JOB OF ASSISTANT EDITOR.
OH, YEAH. YEAH, RIGHT.
OH, OKAY.
UH, HOW MUCH EXPERIENCE IN JOURNALISM?
FIVE YEARS.
RIGHT. TYPING SPEED?
50.
"O" LEVELS?
EIGHT.
"A" LEVELS?
TWO.
RIGHT.
WELL, I'LL GIVE YOU THE JOB...
AND THE CHAIR AND AN ALL-WOOL, EX-ARMY SLEEPING BAG
FOR THE BRIEFCASE, THE UMBRELLA
THE PENS IN YOUR BREAST POCKET
AND YOUR STRING VEST.
WHEN DO I START?
MONDAY. MARVELOUS.
IF YOU THROW IN THE SHOES AS WELL.
HELLO, MISS JOHNSON
COULD WE HAVE TWO COFFEE AND BISCUITS, PLEASE?
One coffee and one biscuit for the two ex-army greatcoats
and the alarm clock on the mantelpiece.
TWO EX-ARMY GREATCOATS AND THE ALARM CLOCK
AND A TABLE LAMP FOR TWO COFFEES AND BISCUITS.
TWO GREATCOATS AND TWO TABLE LAMPS.
TWO GREATCOATS, ONE TABLE LAMP, AND A DESERT BOOT.
FOR TWO COFFEE AND BISCUITS?
DONE.
SO, MISS JOHNSON RETURNED TO HER TYPING
AND DREAMED HER LITTLE DREAMY DREAMS
UNAWARE AS SHE WAS OF THE CRUEL TRICK
FATE HAD IN STORE FOR HER.
FOR MISS JOHNSON WAS ABOUT TO FALL VICTIM
OF THE DREADED, INTERNATIONAL CHINESE COMMUNIST CONSPIRACY.
YES, THESE FANATICAL FIENDS...
UNDER THE LEADERSHIP OF THE SO-CALLED MAO TSE-TUNG...
HAD CAUGHT MISS JOHNSON OFF GUARD
FOR ONE BRIEF, BUT FATAL MOMENT...
AND DESTROYED HER.
JUST AS THEY ARE READY TO DO ANY TIME FREE MEN ANYWHERE
WAVER IN THEIR DEFENSE OF DEMOCRACY.
YES, ONCE AGAIN, AMERICAN DEFENSE PROVES ITS EFFECTIVENESS
AGAINST INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM.
USING THIS DIAGRAM OF A TOOTH TO REPRESENT ANY SMALL COUNTRY
WE CAN SEE HOW INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM WORKS
BY ERODING AWAY FROM THE INSIDE.
WHEN ONE COUNTRY OR TOOTH FALLS VICTIM
TO INTERNATIONAL COMMUNISM, ITS NEIGHBORS SOON FOLLOW.
IN DENTISTRY, THIS IS KNOWN AS THE "DOMINO THEORY."
BUT WITH AMERICAN DEFENSE
THE DECAY IS STOPPED BEFORE IT STARTS.
AND THAT'S WHY NINE OUT OF TEN
SMALL COUNTRIES CHOOSE AMERICAN DEFENSE.
OR CRELM TOOTHPASTE
WITH THE MIRACLE INGREDIENT, FRAUDULIN.
THE WHITE CAR REPRESENTS CRELM TOOTHPASTE
WITH THE MIRACLE INGREDIENT.
THE NOT-WHITE CAR REPRESENTS
ANOTHER TOOTHPASTE.
BOTH TOOTHPASTES PROVIDE 3O% PROTECTION.
AT 6O% PROTECTION
BOTH TOOTHPASTES ARE DOING WELL.
AND NOW, AT 9O% PROTECTION, THE... WAIT!
THE NOT-WHITE CAR IS OUT.
AND CRELM TOOTHPASTE
GOES ON TO WIN WITH 100 PROTECTION.
YES, DO LIKE ALL SMARTMOTORISTS.
CHOOSE CRELM TOOTHPASTE OR SHRILL PETROL
WITH THE NEW ADDITIVE, GLC-9424075.
AFTER 6:00 P.M., 9424047.
USING THIS WHITE CARD TO REPRESENT ENGINE DEPOSITS
AND THIS BLACK CARD
TO REPRESENT SHRILL'S NEW ADDITIVE
GLC-9424075...
AFTER 6:00 P.M., 9424077...
WE CAN SEE HOW THE ENGINE DEPOSITS
ARE PUSHED OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH
BY THE SUPERIOR FORCES AVAILABLE TO SHRILL...
ANYWAY, JOHN, YOU CAN CATCH THE 11:30 FROM HORNCHURCH
AND BE AT BASINGSTOKE BY 1:00.
OH, AND THERE'S A BUFFET CAR AND... OH.
DADDY.
MY HAT! SIR HORACE.
HAS HE BEEN?
YES, AFTER BREAKFAST.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER NOW.
HE'S DEAD.
OH. POOR DADDY.
LOOKS LIKE I SHAN'T BE CATCHING THE 11:30 NOW.
OH, NO, JOHN
YOU MUSTN'T MISS YOUR TRAIN.
HOW COULD I THINK OF CATCHING A TRAIN
WHEN I SHOULD BE HERE HELPING YOU?
OH, JOHN, THANK YOU.
ANYWAY, YOU COULD ALWAYS CATCH THE 9:30 TOMORROW.
IT GOES VIA CATERHAM AND CHIPSTEAD.
OR THE 9:45'S EVEN BETTER.
OH, BUT YOU'D HAVE TO CHANGE AT LAMBS GREEN.
YES, BUT THERE'S ONLY A SEVEN-MINUTE WAIT NOW.
OH, YES, OF COURSE. I'D FORGOTTEN IT WAS FRIDAY.
OH, WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS?
OH, DO HURRY, SIR HORACE.
YOUR TRAIN LEAVES IN 28 MINUTES
AND IF YOU DON'T MISS THE 10:15, YOU WON'T CATCH THE 3:45
WHICH MEANS THE... OH.
I'M AFRAID SIR HORACE WON'T
BE CATCHING THE 10:15, LADY PARTRIDGE.
HAS HE BEEN?
YES, AFTER BREAKFAST.
LADY PARTRIDGE
I'M AFRAID YOU CAN CANCEL HIS SEAT RESERVATION.
OH, AND IT WAS BACK TO THE ENGINE, FOURTH COACH ALONG
SO THAT HE COULD SEE
THE GRADIENT SIGNS OUTSIDE SWANBOROUGH.
NOT ANY MORE, LADY PARTRIDGE.
THE LINE'S BEEN CLOSED.
CLOSED? NOT SWANBOROUGH.
I'M AFRAID SO.
ALL RIGHT, NOBODY MOVE.
I'M INSPECTOR DAVIS OF SCOTLAND YARD.
MY WORD, YOU WERE HERE QUICKLY, INSPECTOR.
YEAH, I GOT THE 8:55 PULLMAN EXPRESS FROM KING'S CROSS
AND MISSED THAT BIT AROUND HORNCHURCH.
IT'S A VERY GOOD TRAIN.
OH, IT'S AN EXCELLENT TRAIN.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
TONY!
WHERE IS DADDY?
OH, GOLLY.
HAS HE BEEN?
YES, AFTER BREAKFAST.
THEN, HE... WON'T BE NEEDING
HIS RESERVATION ON THE 10:15.
EXACTLY.
AND I SUPPOSE AS HIS ELDEST SON
IT MUST GO TO ME.
JUST A MINUTE, TONY.
THERE'S A SMALL MATTER OF... MURDER. OH!
OH, BUT SURELY HE SIMPLY SHOT HIMSELF AND THEN HID THE GUN.
HOW COULD ANYONE SHOOT HIMSELF AND THEN HIDE THE GUN
WITHOUT FIRST CANCELING HIS RESERVATION?
HA, HA. WELL, I MUST DASH OR I'LL BE LATE FOR THE 10:15.
I SUGGEST YOU MURDERED YOUR FATHER
FOR HIS SEAT RESERVATION.
I MAY HAVE HAD THE MOTIVE, INSPECTOR
BUT I COULD NOT HAVE DONE IT
FOR I'VE ONLY JUST ARRIVED FROM GILLINGHAM ON THE 8:13
AND HERE IS MY RESTAURANT CAR TICKET TO PROVE IT.
BUT THE 8:13 FROM GILLINGHAM
DOESN'T HAVE A RESTAURANT CAR.
IT'S A STANDING BUFFET ONLY.
OH, AH... DID I SAY THE 8:13?
I MEANT THE 7:58 STOPPING TRAIN.
BUT THE 7:58 STOPPING TRAIN ARRIVED AT SWINDON AT 8:19
OWING TO ANNUAL POINT MAINTENANCE
AT WISBOROUGH JUNCTION.
SO HOW DID YOU MAKE THE CONNECTION
WITH THE 8:13, WHICH LEFT SIX MINUTES EARLIER?
OH, AH, SIMPLE. I CAUGHT THE 7:16 FOOTBALL SPECIAL
ARRIVING AT SWINDON AT 8:09.
BUT THE 7:16 FOOTBALL SPECIAL
ONLY STOPS AT SWINDON ON ALTERNATE SATURDAYS.
YES, SURELY YOU MEAN THE HOLIDAYMAKER SPECIAL.
OH, YES! HOW DAFT OF ME.
OF COURSE, I CAME ON THE HOLIDAYMAKER SPECIAL
CALLING AT BEDFORD, COLMWORTH, FEN DITTON, SUTTON
WALLINGTON AND GILLINGHAM.
THAT'S SUNDAYS ONLY.
DAMN.
ALL RIGHT, I CONFESS. I DID IT.
I KILLED HIM FOR HIS RESERVATION
BUT YOU WON'T TAKE ME ALIVE.
I'M GOING TO THROW MYSELF UNDER THE 10:12 FROM READING.
DON'T BE A FOOL, TONY! DON'T DO IT!
THE 10:12 HAS THE NEW NARROW TRACTION BOGIES.
YOU WOULDN'T STAND A CHANCE.
EXACTLY.
THAT WAS AN EXCERPT FROM THE LATEST WEST END HIT
IT ALL HAPPENED ON THE 11:20 FROM HAINAULT TO REDHILL
VIA HORSHAM AND REIGATE, CALLING AT CARSHALTON BEECHES
MALMESBURY, TOOTING BEC AND CROYDON WEST.
THE AUTHOR IS MR. NEVILLE SHUNT.
CHUFF, CHUFF, CHUFF, WOOOOOCH, WOOOOOCH!
DIDDLEDUM, DIDDLEDUM, DIDDLEDUM. TOOT! TOOT!
THE TRAIN IS NOW STANDING
AT PLATFORM EIGHT, TCH, TCH, TCH.
DIDDLEDUM, DIDDLEDUM, CHUFFFF CHUFFFFFFFF...
EEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAA VOOOOOMMMMM!
SOME PEOPLE HAVE MADE THE MISTAKE
OF SEEING SHUNT'S WORK AS A LOAD OF RUBBISH
ABOUT RAILWAY TIMETABLES
BUT CLEVER PEOPLE LIKE ME
WHO TALK LOUDLY IN RESTAURANTS
SEE THIS AS A DELIBERATE AMBIGUITY
A PLEA FOR UNDERSTANDING IN A MECHANIZED WORLD.
THE POINTS ARE FROZEN, THE BEAST IS DEAD.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?
WHAT, INDEED, IS THE POINT?
THE POINT IS FROZEN.
THE BEAST IS LATE OUT OF PADDINGTON.
THE POINT IS TAKEN.
IF LA FONTAINE'S ELK WOULD SPURN TOM JONES
THE ENGINE MUST BE OUR HEAD, THE DINING CAR OUR ESOPHAGUS
THE GUARD'S VAN OUR LEFT LUNG, THE CATTLE TRUCK OUR SHINS
THE FIRST-CLASS COMPARTMENT
THE PIECE OF SKIN AT THE NAPE OF THE NECK
AND THE LEVEL CROSSING AN ELECTRIC ELK CALLED SIMON.
THE CLARITY IS DEVASTATING, BUT WHERE IS THE AMBIGUITY?
IT'S OVER THERE IN A BOX.
SHUNT IS SAYING THE 8:15 FROM GILLINGHAM
WHEN IN REALITY, HE MEANS THE 8:13 FROM GILLINGHAM.
THE TRAIN IS THE SAME, ONLY THE TIME IS ALTERED.
ECCE HOMO, ERGO ELK.
LA FONTAINE KNEW HIS SISTER AND KNEW HER BLOODY WELL.
THE POINT IS TAKEN. THE BEAST IS MOLTING.
THE FLUFF GETS UP YOUR NOSE.
THE ILLUSION IS COMPLETE.
IT IS REALITY, THE REALITY IS ILLUSION
AND THE AMBIGUITY IS THE ONLY TRUTH
BUT IS THE TRUTH, AS HITCHCOCK OBSERVES, IN THE BOX?
NO, THERE ISN'T ROOM... THE AMBIGUITY HAS PUT ON WEIGHT.
THE POINT IS TAKEN, THE ELK IS DEAD.
THE BEAST STOPS AT SWINDON, CHABROL STOPS AT NOTHING
I'M HAVING TREATMENT, AND LA FONTAINE CAN GET KNOTTED.
GAVIN MILLAR...
RRRRRRRRRRR.
...WAS NOT TALKING TO NEVILLE SHUNT.
FROM THE WORLD OF THE THEATER
WE TURN TO THE WORLD OF DENTAL HYGIENE.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
FROM THE WORLD OF THE THEATER WE TURN TO THE SILVER SCREEN.
WE HONOR ONE OF THE SILVER SCREEN'S
OUTSTANDING WRITER-DENTISTS, UH, WRITER-DIRECTORS
MARTIN CURRY, WHO IS VISITING LONDON
TO HAVE A TOOTH OUT, FOR THE PRE-MOLAR, UH, PREMIERE
OF HIS FILLING, FILM, NEXT TOOTHDAY, TUESDA Y
AT THE DENTAL THEATRE, FILM THEATRE.
MARTIN CURRY, TALKING TO MATTHEW PALATE, PADGET.
MARTIN CURRY, WELCOME.
ONE OF THE BIG TEETH, UH, BIG POINTS
THAT THE AMERICAN CRITICS MADE
ABOUT YOUR LATEST FILM, THE TWELVE CAESARS
WAS THAT IT WAS ON SO ALL-EMBRACING A TOPIC.
WHAT MADE YOU UNDERTAKE SO ENORMOUS A TUSK?
TASK?
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN INTERESTED IN IMPERIAL ROME
RIGHT FROM JULIUS CAESAR
RIGHT THROUGH TO VETHPATHIAN.
WHO?
VETHPATHIAN.
OH. VESPASIAN.
YES, YES.
WELL, WHEN I SAW YOUR FILM
IT DID SEEM TO ME THAT YOU HAD TAKEN
A RATHER, UM, SUBJECTIVE APPROACH TO IT.
I'M SORRY?
WELL, I MEAN ALL YOUR MAIN CHARACTERS
HAD THESE ENORMOUS, WELL, NOT ENORMOUS, BUT, UH...
THESE, UM, VERY BIG, UM...
WELL, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT A CLIP
IN WHICH JULIUS INCISOR, CAESAR
TALKS TO HIS GENERALS DURING THE BATTLE AGAINST CARACTATUS.
I DON'T SEE THAT AT ALL.
SHALL I ORDER THE CAVALRY
THAT THEY MAY HIDE THEMSELVES IN THE WOOD, O CAESAR?
THUS, O CAESAR! THUS, O CAESAR!
TODAY IS ABOUT TO BE A TRIUMPH FOR OUR NATIVE COUNTRY.
WELL, MARTIN CURRY, WHY DO ALL YOUR CHARACTERS
HAVE THESE VERY BIG, UM...
VERY BIG, UH... TEETH?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, I MEAN, UH... EVEN
IN YOUR BIBLICAL EPIC, THE SON OF MAN
JOHN THE BAPTIST HAD THE MOST ENORMOUS... DENTAL APPENDAGES
AND OF COURSE, UM... HIMSELF HAD THE MOST MONUMENTAL IVORIES.
WELL, I'M AFRAID I DON'T SEE THAT AT ALL.
UM. WELL, WHILE WE'RE WAITING...
LOOK, COULD I HAVE A STRAW?
OH, A STRAW. YES, YES.
WELL, WHILE WE'RE DOING THAT, UH...
PERHAPS WE COULD HAVE A LOOK
AT AN EARLIER FILM, TRAFALGAR.
COVER MY COAT, MR. BUSH.
THE MEN MUST NOT KNOW OF THIS TILL VICTORY IS OURS.
THE SURGEON'S COMING, SIR.
NO, TELL THE SURGEON
TO ATTEND THE MEN THAT CAN BE SAVED.
HE CAN DO LITTLE FOR ME, I FEAR.
AYE, AYE, SIR.
HARDY!
SIR?
HARDY... KISS...
ER, PUT YOUR HAND ON MY THIGH.
HUH. WELL, MARTIN CURRY, THANK YOU.
UH... WELL, WE ASKED THE FIRST-NIGHT AUDIENCE
WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF THAT FILM.
IT WASN'T TRUE TO LIFE.
YES, IT WAS.
NO, IT WASN'T.
I THOUGHT IT WAS TOTALLY BIZARRE.
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY FOR OVER 40 YEARS
AND I THINK THE IMPORTANCE OF LOOKING AFTER POOR PEOPLE
CANNOT BE UNDERSTRESSED.
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY FOR 20 YEARS
AND I MUST ADMIT, I'M LOST.
Well, I've been in the city all my life
and I'm as alert and active as I've ever been.
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY SINCE I WAS TWO
AND CERTAINLY WOULDN'T SAY THAT I WAS STUCK IN A RUT...
STUCK IN A RUT, STUCK IN A RUT.
OH, DEAR
MR. BULSTRODE'S STUCK AGAIN.
STUCK IN A RUT.
I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T SAY
THAT I WAS STUCK IN A RUT.
WELL, I HAVE BEEN IN THE CITY FOR 30 YEARS
AND I NEVER ONCE REGRETTED BEING A NASTY, GREEDY, COLD-HEARTED
AVARICIOUS, MONEY-GRUBBER... CONSERVATIVE.
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE CITY ABOUT 27 YEARS
AND I'D LIKE TO SEE THE REINTRODUCTION OF FLOGGING.
EVERY THURSDAY, ROUND AT MY PLACE.
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN THE SEA FOR 33 YEARS
AND I'VE NEVER REGRETTED IT.
NEITHER HAVE I.
YES, QUITE SO.
I THINK IT MUST BE A NATURALIST OUTING.
NO, I THINK IT MUST BE
ONE OF THEM CRACKPOT RELIGIONS.
THIS IS AN EXAMPLE OF THE SORT OF ABUSE
WE GET ALL THE TIME FROM IGNORANT PEOPLE.
I INHERITED THIS RELIGION FROM MY FATHER
AN EX-USED CAR SALESMAN AND PART-TIME WINDOW BOX
AND I AM VERY PROUD TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE FIRST RELIGION
WITH FREE GIFTS.
YOU GET THIS LUXURY TEA TROLLEY WITH EVERY NEW ENROLLMENT.
IN ADDITION TO THIS, YOU CAN WIN
A THREE-PIECE LOUNGE SUITE
THIS LUXURY CARAVAN
A WEEKEND FOR TWO WITH PETER BONETTI
THE ENTIRE NORWICH CITY COUNCIL.
AND REMEMBER, WITH ONLY EIGHT SCORING DRAWS
YOU CAN WIN A BISHOPRIC IN A SEE OF YOUR OWN CHOICE.
YOU SEE, WE HAVE A MUCH MORE MODERN APPROACH TO RELIGION.
BLESSED IS ARTHUR CRACKPOT AND ALL ITS SUBSIDIARIES, LIMITED.
YOU SEE, IN OUR CHURCH, WE HAVE A LOT MORE FUN.
OH, MRS. COLLINS
YOU DID SAY YOU WERE NERVOUS, DIDN'T YOU?
YOU HAVE EYES ON THE COFFEE MACHINE?
I DON'T MIND, I DON'T MIND.
IT'S JUST NICE TO BE HERE, REVEREND.
ARCHDEACON.
WELL, YOU HAVE EYES FOR THE COFFEE MACHINE
SO LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE WON.
YOU CHOSE HYMN 437.
OH, MRS. COLLINS.
YOU HAD EYES ON THE COFFEE MACHINE.
WELL, YOU HAVE WON TONIGHT'S STAR PRIZE:
THE ENTIRE NORWICH CITY COUNCIL!
I'VE GOT ONE ALREADY.
A LOT OF RELIGIONS... NO NAMES, NO PACK DRILL...
DO GO FOR THE POORER TYPE OF PERSON.
THERE'S MORE OF THEM... POOR PEOPLE, THIEVES, VILLAINS
POOR PEOPLE WITHOUT NO MONEY AT ALL.
WELL, WE DON'T HAVE NONE OF THAT TAT.
RICH PEOPLE AND CRUMPET OVER 16 CAN ENTER FREE
QUITE WELCOME
NOT UNDER FIVE GRAND A YEAR
I CAN'T TOUCH IT.
THERE'S NO RETURN ON IT, YOU SEE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY DIFFICULTY CONVERTING PEOPLE?
UH, NO. WELL, WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING THEM JOIN.
NORMAN, THERE, DOES A LOT OF CONVERTING
A LOT OF PROTECTION, THAT SORT OF THING.
AND THERE'S HIS MATE, BRUCE BEER.
BRUCY HAS PERSONALLY CONVERTED 92 PEOPLE
25 INSIDE THE DISTANCE.
THEN AGAIN, WE'RE NOT AFRAID TO USE MORE MODERN METHODS.
SARAH, TODAY'S DIOCESAN LOVELY
IS ENOUGH TO MAKE ANY CHAP GO DOWN ON HIS KNEES.
THIS 23-YEAR-OLD BISHOP HAILS, APPROPRIATELY ENOUGH
FROM BISHOP'S STORTFORD
AND LISTS HER HOBBIES AS SWIMMING, RIDING
AND FILM PRODUCERS.
WHAT A GAS!
BET SHE'S NO NOVICE
WHEN IT COMES TO CONVERTING ALL IN HER SEE.
BASICALLY...
I BELIEVE... IN PEACE
AND BASHING TWO BRICKS TOGETHER.
I'M STARTING A WAR FOR PEACE.
COR BLIMEY!
I'M RAISING POLECATS FOR PEACE.
PEACE? I LIKE A PEACE.
KNOW WHAT I MEAN? KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
SAY NO MORE. NUDGE, NUDGE.
OUR RELIGION IS THE FIRST CHURCH
TO CATER FOR THE NAUGHTY TYPE OF PERSON.
IF YOU'D LIKE A BIT OF LOVE-YOUR-NEIGHBOR...
AND WHO DOESN'T NOW AND AGAIN...
THEN SEE VERA AND CICELEY DURING THE HYMNS.
IN OUR CHURCH, WE TRY TO HELP PEOPLE TO HELP THEMSELVES
TO CARS, WASHING MACHINES, LEAD PIPING...
NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
WE'RE THE ONLY CHURCH, APART FROM THE BAPTISTS
TO DO RE-SPRAY JOBS.
WE IN THE CHURCH OF THE DIVINE LOONY
BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF PRAYER TO TURN THE HEAD PURPLE.
I WOULD LIKE TO COME IN HERE FOR A MOMENT, IF I MAY
AND DISASSOCIATE OUR CHURCH
FROM THESE FRIVOLOUS AND OFFENSIVE RELIGIONS.
WE ARE PRIMARILY CONCERNED WITH WHAT IS BEST...
HELLO?
OH, WELL, HOW ABOUT ALLIED BREWERIES?
ALL RIGHT, BUT KEEP THE RIO TINTO.
...FOR THE HUMAN SOUL.
IN OUR CHURCH, WE BELIEVE, FIRST AND FOREMOST, IN YOU.
WE WANT YOU TO THINK OF US AS YOUR FRIEND.
IN THIS PICTURE, THERE ARE 40 PEOPLE.
NONE OF THEM CAN BE SEEN.
IN THIS FILM, WE HOPE TO SHOW YOU HOW NOT TO BE SEEN.
THIS IS MR. E.R. BRADSHAW OF NAPIER COURT
BLACK LION ROAD, SE5.
HE CANNOT BE SEEN.
NOW, I'M GOING TO ASK HIM TO STAND UP.
MR. BRADSHAW, WILL YOU STAND UP, PLEASE?
THIS DEMONSTRATES THE VALUE OF NOT BEING SEEN.
IN THIS PICTURE, WE CANNOT SEE
MRS. B.J. SMEGMA OF 13, THE CRESCENT, BELMONT.
MRS. SMEGMA, WILL YOU STAND UP, PLEASE?
THIS IS MR. NESBITT OF HARLOW, NEW TOWN.
MR. NESBITT, WOULD YOU STAND UP, PLEASE?
MR. NESBITT HAS LEARNT THE FIRST LESSON OF NOT BEING SEEN...
NOT TO STAND UP.
HOWEVER, HE HAS CHOSEN A VERY OBVIOUS PIECE OF COVER.
MR. E.V. LAMBERT OF HOMELEIGH, THE BURROWS, OSWESTRY
HAS PRESENTED US WITH A POSER.
WE DO NOT KNOW WHICH BUSH HE IS BEHIND
BUT WE CAN SOON FIND OUT.
YES, IT WAS THE MIDDLE ONE.
MR. KEN ANDREWS OF LEIGHTON ROAD, SLOUGH
HAS CONCEALED HIMSELF EXTREMELY WELL.
HE COULD BE ALMOST ANYWHERE.
HE COULD BE BEHIND THE WALL, INSIDE THE WATER BARREL
BENEATH A PILE OF LEAVES, UP IN THE TREE
SQUATTING DOWN BEHIND THE CAR, CONCEALED IN A HOLLOW
OR CROUCHED BEHIND ANY ONE OF A HUNDRED BUSHES.
HOWEVER, WE HAPPEN TO KNOW HE'S IN THE WATER BARREL.
MR. AND MRS. WATSON OF IVY COTTAGE, WORPLESDON ROAD, HULL
CHOSE A VERY CUNNING WAY OF NOT BEING SEEN.
WHEN WE CALLED AT THEIR HOUSE
WE FOUND THEY HAD GONE AWAY ON TWO WEEKS' HOLIDAY.
THEY HAD NOT LEFT ANY FORWARDING ADDRESS
AND THEY HAD BOLTED AND BARRED THE HOUSE
TO PREVENT US GETTING IN.
HOWEVER, A NEIGHBOR TOLD US WHERE THEY WERE.
AND HERE IS THE NEIGHBOR WHO TOLD US WHERE THEY WERE.
NOBODY LIKES A CLEVER DICK.
AND THIS IS WHERE HE LIVED.
AND THIS IS WHERE LORD LANGDON LIVED
WHO REFUSED TO SPEAK TO US...
AND SO DID THE GENTLEMAN
WHO LIVED HERE...
AND HERE...
AND, OF COURSE, HERE
AND MANCHESTER
AND THE WEST MIDLANDS
SPAIN...
CHINA...
AH. WELL, I'M AFRAID WE HAVE TO STOP THE FILM THERE
AS SOME OF THE SCENES WHICH FOLLOWED
WERE OF A VIOLENT NATURE
WHICH MIGHT PROVE DISTRESSING TO SOME OF OUR VIEWERS
THOUGH NOT TO ME, I CAN TELL YOU.
IN NOVA SCOTIA TODAY
MR. ROY BENT OF NORTH WALSHAM IN NORFOLK
BECAME THE FIRST MAN TO CROSS THE ATLANTIC ON A TRICYCLE.
HIS TRICYCLE, SPECIALLY ADAPTED FOR THE CROSSING
WAS 90-FOOT LONG WITH A PROTECTIVE STEEL HULL
THREE FUNNELS, 17 FIRST-CLASS CABINS
AND A RADAR SCANNER.
MR. BENT IS IN OUR DURHAM STUDIOS
WHICH IS RATHER UNFORTUNATE
AS WE'RE ALL DOWN HERE IN LONDON.
AND IN LONDON...
IN LONDON, I HAVE WITH ME MR. LUDOVIC GRAYSON
THE MAN WHO SCORED ALL SIX GOALS IN ARSENAL'S 1-NIL VICTORY
OVER THE TURKISH CHAMPIONS FC BOTTY.
LUDOVIC, FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONS ON THE VICTORY.
THANK YOU, DAVID.
IT SHOULD SEND YOU BACK TO BOTTY
WITH A BIG LEAD.
OH, YES. WELL, WE'RE FAIRLY CONFIDENT, DAVID.
WELL, AT THE MOMENT, LUDOVIC
YOU'RE CROUCHING DOWN INSIDE A FILING CABINET.
YES, THAT'S RIGHT, DAVID.
I'M TRYING NOT TO BE SEEN.
I SEE. IS THIS THROUGH FEAR?
OH, NO, NO. IT'S COMMON SENSE, REALLY.
IF THEY CAN'T SEE YOU, THEY CAN'T GET YOU.
HA, HA, HA, BUT, OF COURSE, THEY CAN STILL HEAR YOU.
HUH?
LUDOVIC GRAYSON, THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR COMING ON THE PROGRAM TONIGHT.
AND WE END THE SHOW WITH MUSIC
AND HERE WITH THEIR VERY LATEST RECORDING:
"YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY, I'VE GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY"
JACKIE CHARLTON AND THE TONETTES.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MAY HAVE JUST MISSED
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS
HERE IT IS AGAIN.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll