1 00:00:01,119 --> 00:00:02,480 Ladies and gentlemen, 2 00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:04,760 I'm not simply going to say, 3 00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:06,800 "And now for something 4 00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:06,800 completely different," this week, 5 00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:08,639 because I do not think 6 00:00:08,639 --> 00:00:08,639 it would fit. 7 00:00:08,639 --> 00:00:11,000 This is a particularly 8 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:11,000 auspicious occasion 9 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:12,799 for us this evening, 10 00:00:12,799 --> 00:00:14,680 as we have been told 11 00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:14,680 that Her Majesty the Queen 12 00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:17,520 will be watching part 13 00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:17,520 of this show tonight. 14 00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:20,439 Now we don't know exactly when 15 00:00:20,439 --> 00:00:20,439 Her Majesty will be tuning in. 16 00:00:20,439 --> 00:00:23,560 We understand that at the moment 17 00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:23,560 she is watching The Virginian, 18 00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:26,640 but we have been promised 19 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:26,640 that we will be informed 20 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:28,880 the moment that she changes 21 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:28,880 the channel. 22 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:31,279 Her Majesty would like everyone 23 00:00:31,279 --> 00:00:31,279 to behave quite normally, 24 00:00:31,279 --> 00:00:34,440 but her equerry has asked me 25 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:34,440 to request all of you at home 26 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:37,080 to stand 27 00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:37,080 when the great moment arrives, 28 00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:39,600 although we here in the studio 29 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:39,600 will be carrying on 30 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:43,960 with our humorous vignettes 31 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:43,960 and spoofs in the ordinary way. 32 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,120 Thank you. And now, 33 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:46,120 without any more ado, 34 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:49,680 and completely as normal, 35 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:49,680 here are the opening titles. 36 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:52,360 [ELGAR'S "POMP 37 00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:54,093 AND CIRCUMSTANCE" PLAYING] 38 00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:16,200 [CHURCH CHOIR SINGING] 39 00:01:19,479 --> 00:01:21,240 ANNOUNCER: The coal miners of Wales 40 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:24,039 have long been famed 41 00:01:24,039 --> 00:01:24,039 for their tough, rugged life, 42 00:01:24,039 --> 00:01:28,440 hewing the black gold 43 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:28,440 from the uncompromising hell of one mile under. 44 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:30,600 This is the story 45 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:30,600 of such men, 46 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:34,000 battling gallantly 47 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:34,000 against floods, roof falls, 48 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:35,640 the English criminal law, 49 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:38,080 the hidden killer, 50 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:38,080 carbon monoxide, 51 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:41,199 and the ever-present threat 52 00:01:41,199 --> 00:01:41,199 of pneumoconiosis, 53 00:01:41,199 --> 00:01:43,399 which is a disease miners get. 54 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:47,839 Don't you talk to me like that, you lying bastard. 55 00:01:47,839 --> 00:01:49,360 Oh, you bleeding pig, 56 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:50,920 you're not fit 57 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:50,920 to be down a mine. 58 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,640 Oh, yeah, typical 59 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:52,640 bleeding Rhondda, isn't it? 60 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,240 You think you're 61 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:54,240 so bloody clever. 62 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:55,679 [GROANS] 63 00:01:55,679 --> 00:01:55,679 All right, okay. 64 00:01:55,679 --> 00:01:57,600 You bloody fighting again? 65 00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,320 Break it up or I'll put 66 00:01:59,320 --> 00:01:59,320 this pick through your head. 67 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:02,360 Now what's it all about? 68 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:02,360 He started it. 69 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:05,160 Oh, you bleeding pig, 70 00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:05,160 you started it. 71 00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:07,679 I don't care 72 00:02:07,679 --> 00:02:07,679 who bloody started it. What's it about? 73 00:02:07,679 --> 00:02:11,440 Well, he said the bloody 74 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:12,775 Treaty of Utrecht was 1713. 75 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,000 So, it bloody is. 76 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,280 No, it bloody isn't. 77 00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:18,519 It wasn't ratified 78 00:02:18,519 --> 00:02:18,519 till February, 1714. 79 00:02:18,519 --> 00:02:20,000 He's bluffing. 80 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:22,000 Your mind's gone, Jenkins. 81 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:22,000 You're rubbish. 82 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:23,320 He's right, Jenkins. 83 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,680 It was ratified 84 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:25,680 September, 1713. 85 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,959 The whole bloody pit 86 00:02:27,959 --> 00:02:27,959 knows that. 87 00:02:27,959 --> 00:02:30,519 Look in Trevelyan, 88 00:02:30,519 --> 00:02:30,519 Page 468. 89 00:02:30,519 --> 00:02:32,760 He's thinking of the 90 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:32,760 Treaty of bloody Westphalia. 91 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:35,040 Are you saying I don't know 92 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:35,040 the difference between 93 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:36,680 the War of bloody 94 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:36,680 Spanish Succession 95 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:38,560 and the Thirty bloody 96 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:38,560 Years' War? 97 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,519 You don't know the difference 98 00:02:40,519 --> 00:02:40,519 between the Battle of Borodino 99 00:02:40,519 --> 00:02:41,920 and a tiger's bum. 100 00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:44,440 Break it up, break it up. 101 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,280 I'm sick of all 102 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:47,280 this bloody fighting. 103 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,160 If it's not the bloody 104 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:49,160 Treaty of Utrecht, 105 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:51,400 it's the bloody 106 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:51,400 binomial theorem. 107 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,480 This isn't the senior 108 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:53,480 common room at All Souls, 109 00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:55,400 it's the bloody coalface. 110 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,239 Hey, gaffer, 111 00:02:57,239 --> 00:02:57,239 can you settle something? 112 00:02:57,239 --> 00:02:59,440 Morgan here says 113 00:02:59,440 --> 00:02:59,440 you find the abacus 114 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,280 between the triglyphs 115 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:01,280 in the frieze section 116 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:04,000 of the entablature of 117 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:04,000 classical Greek Doric temples. 118 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:07,120 You bloody fool, Morgan, 119 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:07,120 that's the metope. MORGAN: Ah. 120 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:08,880 The abacus is between 121 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:08,880 the architrave 122 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:10,600 and the echinus 123 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:10,600 in the capital. 124 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,880 You stinking liar! 125 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,239 [ALL SHOUTING] 126 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:19,640 [BELL RINGING] 127 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:22,480 [FANFARE PLAYING] 128 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:34,519 Oh, most magnificent and merciful Majesty, 129 00:03:34,519 --> 00:03:37,560 master of the universe, 130 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:37,560 protector of the meek, 131 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,799 whose nose we are not 132 00:03:39,799 --> 00:03:39,799 worthy to pick. 133 00:03:39,799 --> 00:03:43,239 And whose very feces 134 00:03:43,239 --> 00:03:43,239 are an untrammeled delight. 135 00:03:43,239 --> 00:03:46,079 And whose peacocks keep us 136 00:03:46,079 --> 00:03:46,079 awake all hours of the night 137 00:03:46,079 --> 00:03:48,160 with their noisy lovemaking. 138 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:50,399 We beseech thee, 139 00:03:50,399 --> 00:03:50,399 tell thy humble servants 140 00:03:50,399 --> 00:03:53,679 the name of the section 141 00:03:53,679 --> 00:03:53,679 between the triglyphs in the frieze section 142 00:03:53,679 --> 00:03:56,160 of a classical 143 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,215 Doric entablature. 144 00:03:57,239 --> 00:04:00,359 No idea. Sorry. Right. Everybody out! 145 00:04:02,079 --> 00:04:05,320 Still no settlement in the coal mine dispute at Llanddarog. 146 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:06,679 Miners refuse 147 00:04:06,679 --> 00:04:06,679 to return to work 148 00:04:06,679 --> 00:04:09,920 until the management 149 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:09,920 define a metope. 150 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:11,200 Meanwhile at Dagenham, 151 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:12,799 the unofficial 152 00:04:12,799 --> 00:04:12,799 strike committee at Fords 153 00:04:12,799 --> 00:04:15,079 have increased their demands 154 00:04:15,079 --> 00:04:15,079 to 13 reasons 155 00:04:15,079 --> 00:04:18,399 why Henry III was a bad king. 156 00:04:18,399 --> 00:04:22,000 And finally, in the disgusting 157 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:22,000 objects international at Wembley tonight, 158 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:26,400 England beat Spain by a plate 159 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:27,656 of braised pus to a putrid heron. 160 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:30,440 And now the Toad Elevating Moment. 161 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:33,400 [♪] 162 00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:39,240 Good evening. 163 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:41,000 Well, we have 164 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:41,000 in the studio tonight 165 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,719 a man who says things 166 00:04:43,719 --> 00:04:43,719 in a very roundabout way. 167 00:04:43,719 --> 00:04:45,360 Isn't that so, 168 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:45,360 Mr. Pudifoot? 169 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,599 Yes. 170 00:04:47,599 --> 00:04:50,960 Um, have you always said things 171 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:50,960 in a very roundabout way? 172 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:52,400 Yes. 173 00:04:53,479 --> 00:04:54,960 Ha. Well, I can't help noticing 174 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:56,520 that for someone who claims 175 00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:56,520 to say things 176 00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:58,320 in a very roundabout way, 177 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:00,039 your last two answers 178 00:05:00,039 --> 00:05:00,039 have had very little 179 00:05:00,039 --> 00:05:02,080 of the discursive quality 180 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:02,080 about them. 181 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,520 Oh, well, 182 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:04,520 I'm not very talkative today. 183 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:06,120 It-- It's a form 184 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:06,120 of defensive response 185 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,880 to intense 186 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:08,880 interrogative stimuli. 187 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:10,640 I used to get it very bad 188 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:10,640 when I was a boy. 189 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:13,280 Well, when I say badly, 190 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:13,280 in fact, uh, 191 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:16,159 do you remember 192 00:05:16,159 --> 00:05:16,159 that fashion they had for little, you know, poodles-- 193 00:05:16,159 --> 00:05:18,000 Oh, now you're beginning 194 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:18,000 to talk-- 195 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:19,560 You're beginning to talk 196 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:19,560 in a roundabout way. 197 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:20,680 Oh, I'm sorry. 198 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:22,280 No, no, no, no. 199 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:23,560 Please, do carry on, 200 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:23,560 because that is, in fact, 201 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:25,479 why we wanted you 202 00:05:25,479 --> 00:05:25,479 on the show. 203 00:05:25,479 --> 00:05:27,760 I thought it was because 204 00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:30,176 you were interested in me as a human being. 205 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:33,159 Well, let's move on to our next guest, who not only lives in Essex, 206 00:05:33,159 --> 00:05:36,520 but also speaks only 207 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:36,520 the ends of words, Mr. Ohn Ith. 208 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:37,880 Mr. Ith, good evening. 209 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,320 Od Ing. 210 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:41,159 Nice to have you 211 00:05:41,159 --> 00:05:41,159 on the show. 212 00:05:41,159 --> 00:05:43,000 Ice-oo-ee-ere. 213 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,640 Mr. Ith, don't you find it 214 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:45,640 difficult to make yourself understood? 215 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:47,039 Yes, 216 00:05:47,039 --> 00:05:47,039 it is extremely difficult. 217 00:05:47,039 --> 00:05:49,200 Just a minute, you're a fraud. 218 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,840 No, I can speak the third 219 00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:51,840 and fourth sentences perfectly normally. 220 00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:54,760 I see. So your next sentence 221 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:54,760 will be only the ends of words again? 222 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:56,719 Es-ats-ight. 223 00:05:56,719 --> 00:05:59,200 Well, let's move on to our 224 00:05:59,200 --> 00:05:59,200 next guest, who speaks only 225 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:01,640 the beginnings of words, 226 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:01,640 Mr. J Sm. 227 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:05,039 Mr. Sm, good evening. 228 00:06:05,039 --> 00:06:05,039 Go-ev. 229 00:06:05,039 --> 00:06:06,359 Oh, have you two 230 00:06:06,359 --> 00:06:06,359 met before? 231 00:06:06,359 --> 00:06:07,320 N-- 232 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:07,320 O. 233 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:08,840 N-- 234 00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:08,840 O. 235 00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:10,960 Well, this is really 236 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:10,960 a fascinating occasion 237 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,599 because we have 238 00:06:13,599 --> 00:06:13,599 in the studio Mr. Oh I, 239 00:06:13,599 --> 00:06:15,560 who speaks only 240 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:15,560 the middles of words. 241 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:18,320 Good evening. Oo-eni. 242 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:20,000 And where 243 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:20,000 do you come from? 244 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,200 Oh-eh-ah. 245 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,080 Dunfermline in Scotland. 246 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,400 Well, let me introduce you, 247 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,000 Mr. Ohn Ith, Mr. J Sm. 248 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:27,000 Od-ing. 249 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,120 Mr. J Sm. 250 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:29,120 Oo-eni. 251 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:31,000 Goo-eve. 252 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:31,000 Od-ing. 253 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:32,840 [LAUGHING] 254 00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:32,840 Yes, well, just a moment. 255 00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:34,919 Perhaps you would all like 256 00:06:34,919 --> 00:06:34,919 to say "good evening" together. 257 00:06:34,919 --> 00:06:35,960 Ah! Go-- 258 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:35,960 Oo. 259 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,039 De. 260 00:06:37,039 --> 00:06:37,039 Ee. 261 00:06:37,039 --> 00:06:38,120 Ve. 262 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:39,120 Ning. 263 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:40,760 [WHISTLES] 264 00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:43,039 Hi there, beautiful. 265 00:06:43,039 --> 00:06:44,039 [GROANS] 266 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:46,359 [WHIMPERS] 267 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:50,840 Hi, Bob. Say, what's the matter with you? 268 00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:52,520 I don't know, Tom, 269 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:55,280 but girls seem 270 00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:55,280 to avoid me these days. 271 00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:56,320 [MOANS] 272 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:58,080 Could be bad breath, Bob. 273 00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,840 Say, have you tried 274 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:00,840 using Crelm toothpaste? 275 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:03,560 Gosh, Tom, do you think 276 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:03,560 that would help? 277 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:06,080 You bet your boots it will, 278 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:07,080 Bob. 279 00:07:07,159 --> 00:07:09,680 Tom was sure right. 280 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,560 Crelm has changed my life. 281 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,280 Hi, girls. 282 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:18,560 [GOBBLING] 283 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:19,719 [BURPS] 284 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,840 This table has been treated with ordinary soap powder, 285 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:27,039 but these have been treated 286 00:07:27,039 --> 00:07:27,039 with new Fibro-Val. 287 00:07:27,039 --> 00:07:29,479 We put both of them 288 00:07:29,479 --> 00:07:29,479 in our washing machine 289 00:07:29,479 --> 00:07:31,680 and just look 290 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:31,680 at the difference. 291 00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,840 The table is all broken 292 00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:33,840 and smashed, 293 00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:37,919 but the sheets with Fibro-Val 294 00:07:37,919 --> 00:07:37,919 are sparkling clean and white. 295 00:07:37,919 --> 00:07:40,280 [♪] 296 00:07:57,679 --> 00:07:59,640 ANNOUNCER: I love the surgical garment. 297 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:01,359 Enjoy the delights 298 00:08:01,359 --> 00:08:03,200 of the Victor Mature 299 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:03,200 Abdominal Corset. 300 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,880 Sail down the Nile 301 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:05,880 on the Bleed-it Kosher Truss. 302 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:07,960 And don't forget 303 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:07,960 the Hercules Hold-'em-in, 304 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,679 the all-purpose concrete truss 305 00:08:09,679 --> 00:08:11,080 for the man 306 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:12,760 with the family hernia. 307 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,840 Well, last week on Fish Club, 308 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:17,760 we learned how to sex a pike. 309 00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:20,000 Now, this week we're going 310 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:20,000 to learn how to feed a goldfish. 311 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,960 Now, contrary to what 312 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:21,960 most people think, 313 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,760 the goldfish 314 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:23,760 has a ravenous appetite. 315 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:25,479 If it doesn't get 316 00:08:25,479 --> 00:08:25,479 enough protein, 317 00:08:25,479 --> 00:08:27,560 it gets very thin and 318 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:27,560 its bones begin to stick out, 319 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:29,359 and its fins start to 320 00:08:29,359 --> 00:08:29,359 fall off. 321 00:08:29,359 --> 00:08:30,760 So once a week, 322 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:30,760 give your goldfish 323 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,120 a really good meal. 324 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,000 Here's one 325 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:34,000 specially recommended 326 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,039 by the board 327 00:08:36,039 --> 00:08:36,039 of irresponsible people. 328 00:08:36,039 --> 00:08:39,000 First, some cold consommé 329 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:39,000 or gazpacho, 330 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:42,120 then some sausages 331 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:42,120 with spring greens, 332 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:44,760 sautéed potatoes, bread, 333 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:44,760 gravy-- That's enough. That's enough. 334 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:48,560 That's enough. 335 00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:48,560 [SCREAMS] 336 00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,880 ANNOUNCER: 337 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:50,880 The R.S.P.C.A. wish it to be known 338 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,520 that that man was not 339 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:53,520 a bona fide animal lover, 340 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:56,319 and also that goldfish 341 00:08:56,319 --> 00:08:56,319 do not eat sausages. 342 00:08:56,319 --> 00:08:58,319 MAN: Treacle tart! 343 00:08:58,319 --> 00:08:58,319 ANNOUNCER: Shut up. 344 00:08:58,319 --> 00:09:01,079 They are quite happy with 345 00:09:01,079 --> 00:09:01,079 breadcrumbs, ants' eggs and-- 346 00:09:01,079 --> 00:09:03,280 Who wrote that? 347 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:05,319 [♪] 348 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:18,439 WOMAN: Oh, Charles. [CHARLES LAUGHING] 349 00:09:18,439 --> 00:09:20,480 Oh, Charles. No, no. 350 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:20,480 Come on. 351 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:21,959 Oh, no. 352 00:09:21,959 --> 00:09:21,959 [LAUGHING] 353 00:09:21,959 --> 00:09:23,600 Please. Please, no. 354 00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:23,600 Come on. 355 00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:24,959 [WOMAN MUTTERING] 356 00:09:24,959 --> 00:09:24,959 CHARLES: Oh, Come on. 357 00:09:24,959 --> 00:09:26,760 Oh, no, Charles. 358 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:26,760 Come on. 359 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,400 [WOMAN MUTTERING] 360 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:29,400 [CHARLES LAUGHING] 361 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:32,000 WOMAN: Oh, Charles. 362 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:32,000 CHARLES: Oh. 363 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:36,319 Come on. 364 00:09:36,319 --> 00:09:36,319 [WOMAN WHIMPERING] 365 00:09:36,319 --> 00:09:38,400 [CHARLES LAUGHING] 366 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:38,400 Come on. 367 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:41,959 [WOMAN WHIMPERING] 368 00:09:41,959 --> 00:09:41,959 [CHARLES LAUGHING] 369 00:09:41,959 --> 00:09:44,040 I hope you're enjoying 370 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:45,040 the show. 371 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:26,920 ANNOUNCER: Herbert Mental collects birdwatchers' eggs. 372 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,680 At his home in Surrey 373 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:28,680 he has a collection 374 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:30,480 of over 400 of them. 375 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:32,400 Here now, uh, this is 376 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:32,400 a very interesting one. 377 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:34,560 Uh, this is 378 00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:34,560 from a Mr. P.F. Bradshaw. 379 00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:37,120 He is usually found 380 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:37,120 in Surrey hedgerows, 381 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:38,760 uh, but I found this one 382 00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:40,880 in the gents' 383 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:40,880 at St. Pancras, uneaten. 384 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:43,280 ANNOUNCER: 385 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:43,280 Mr. Mental, why did you start 386 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:45,360 collecting birdwatchers' eggs? 387 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:48,000 Oh, well, uh, 388 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:48,000 I did it to get on Man Alive. 389 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,120 ANNOUNCER: 390 00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:49,120 Man Alive? 391 00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:50,680 That's right, yes. 392 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:51,880 Uh, but then 393 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:51,880 that got all serious, 394 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:53,360 so I carried on in the hope 395 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,040 of a quick appearance 396 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:55,040 as an eccentric 397 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:57,400 on the regional section 398 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:57,400 of Nationwide. 399 00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:00,760 ANNOUNCER: 400 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:00,760 Mr. Mental, I believe a couple of years ago 401 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:03,600 you started to collect 402 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:03,600 butterfly hunters. 403 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,640 Uh, butterfly hunters? 404 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:05,640 ANNOUNCER: Yes. 405 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:08,120 Oh, that's right. 406 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:08,120 Here's a couple of them over here, you see. 407 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:09,800 Nice little chaps. 408 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,600 But the hobby I enjoyed most 409 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,400 was racing pigeon fanciers. 410 00:11:32,439 --> 00:11:34,680 [ALL COOING] 411 00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:43,920 [ELGAR'S "POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE" PLAYING] 412 00:11:52,439 --> 00:11:54,480 [ALL COOING] 413 00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:16,280 Dinsdale. Dinsdale. 414 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:23,199 Is the balloon ready? 415 00:12:23,199 --> 00:12:25,760 Yeah, boss. Coming right up. 416 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:28,839 Hey. Let's go. 417 00:12:38,719 --> 00:12:40,800 ANNOUNCER: Monty Python 418 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:44,199 proudly presents: 419 00:12:44,199 --> 00:12:46,120 [FANFARE PLAYING] 420 00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,040 [GIGGLING] 421 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:03,599 ANNOUNCER: The... 422 00:13:03,599 --> 00:13:05,959 [♪] 423 00:13:21,319 --> 00:13:22,599 Uh, good morning. 424 00:13:22,599 --> 00:13:24,040 I-- I've been 425 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:24,040 in touch with you 426 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,480 about the, uh, 427 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:26,480 life insurance. 428 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:29,160 Ah, yes, uh, did you-- 429 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:29,160 Did you bring the, mmm, 430 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:32,400 specimen of-- 431 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:32,400 of your, mmm-- 432 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,240 And so on, and so on? 433 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:34,240 Uh, yes, I did. 434 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:36,319 Uh, it's in the car. 435 00:13:36,319 --> 00:13:36,319 Good. 436 00:13:36,319 --> 00:13:38,640 There's rather a lot. 437 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:40,120 Good, good. 438 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:41,920 Do you really need 439 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:42,920 12 gallons? 440 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:44,760 No. No, not really. 441 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:46,640 Do you test it? 442 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:46,640 No. 443 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,640 Well, why do you 444 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:48,640 want it? 445 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:50,560 Well, we do it to make sure 446 00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:50,560 that you're serious about wanting insurance. 447 00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:52,959 I mean, uh, if you're not, you 448 00:13:52,959 --> 00:13:52,959 won't spend a couple of months 449 00:13:52,959 --> 00:13:57,280 filling up that enormous churn 450 00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:57,280 with, mmm, so on and so on. 451 00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:58,400 Shall I bring it in? 452 00:13:58,400 --> 00:13:59,760 Good Lord, no. Throw it away. 453 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,079 Throw it away? 454 00:14:01,079 --> 00:14:02,480 I was months 455 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:02,480 filling that thing up. 456 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:03,760 [DRUMROLL] 457 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,599 [MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 458 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:10,560 ["GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" PLAYING] 459 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:13,240 ANNOUNCER: 460 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:13,240 And we've just heard that Her Majesty the Queen 461 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,240 has just tuned 462 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:15,240 in to this program, 463 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:17,240 and so she is now watching 464 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:17,240 this royal sketch 465 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:20,120 here in this royal set. 466 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:22,640 The actor on the left 467 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:22,640 is wearing the great gray suit 468 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:24,439 of the BBC 469 00:14:24,439 --> 00:14:24,439 Wardrobe Department, 470 00:14:24,439 --> 00:14:26,839 and the other actor 471 00:14:26,839 --> 00:14:26,839 is about to deliver 472 00:14:26,839 --> 00:14:30,640 the first great royal joke 473 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:30,640 here this royal evening. 474 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,160 Over to the right you can see 475 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:33,920 the royal cameraman, 476 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:33,920 and behind-- 477 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:35,479 Oh, we've just heard 478 00:14:35,479 --> 00:14:35,479 she's switched over. 479 00:14:35,479 --> 00:14:36,839 She's watching News at Ten. 480 00:14:36,839 --> 00:14:38,800 [ALL GROANING] 481 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,920 despite the union's 482 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:40,920 recommendation 483 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:42,439 that the strikers 484 00:14:42,439 --> 00:14:42,439 should accept 485 00:14:42,439 --> 00:14:44,360 the second 486 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:44,360 and third clauses 487 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:47,280 of the agreement 488 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:47,280 arrived at last Thursday. 489 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,319 [DRUMROLL AND 490 00:14:49,319 --> 00:14:49,319 "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" PLAYING] 491 00:14:49,319 --> 00:14:51,160 Today saw the publication 492 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:53,360 of the McGuffie Commission's 493 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:53,360 controversial report 494 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,599 on treatment of inpatients 495 00:14:56,599 --> 00:14:56,599 in north London hospitals. 496 00:14:56,599 --> 00:14:59,120 DOCTOR: 497 00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:00,240 Get on parade! 498 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:03,599 Come on! 499 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,959 We haven't got all day, have we? 500 00:15:07,959 --> 00:15:10,520 Come on, come on, come on. 501 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,000 [ALL GROANING] 502 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:15,280 DOCTOR: Hurry up! 503 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:16,599 Get at it! 504 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:21,839 Right! 505 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:25,920 Now, I know some hospitals 506 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:30,000 where you get the patients 507 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:30,000 lying around in bed. 508 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,240 Sleeping, resting, 509 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,479 recuperating, 510 00:15:34,479 --> 00:15:37,160 convalescing. 511 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:41,079 Well, that's not the way 512 00:15:41,079 --> 00:15:41,079 we do things here, right! 513 00:15:41,079 --> 00:15:44,040 No, you won't be 514 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:44,040 loafing about in bed, 515 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,640 wasting the doctors' time. 516 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:48,160 You, you horrible 517 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:48,160 little cripple. 518 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,760 What's the matter with you? 519 00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:52,199 Fractured tibia, sergeant. 520 00:15:52,199 --> 00:15:57,040 "Fractured tibia, sergeant." 521 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,520 Proper little mummy's boy, 522 00:15:59,520 --> 00:15:59,520 aren't we? 523 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:02,319 Well, I'll tell you something, 524 00:16:02,319 --> 00:16:02,319 my fine friend, 525 00:16:02,319 --> 00:16:06,160 if you fracture a tibia here, 526 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:06,160 you keep quiet about it! 527 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:07,640 Look at him! 528 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,359 He's broke both his arms 529 00:16:09,359 --> 00:16:11,439 and he don't go 530 00:16:11,439 --> 00:16:11,439 shouting about it, do he? 531 00:16:11,439 --> 00:16:14,359 No, 'cause he's a man! 532 00:16:14,359 --> 00:16:15,479 He's a woman, you see, 533 00:16:15,479 --> 00:16:16,680 so don't come with that 534 00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:18,240 broken tibia talk with me! 535 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:19,839 Get on your feet 536 00:16:19,839 --> 00:16:19,839 at the double! 537 00:16:19,839 --> 00:16:22,240 One, two, three, 538 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:22,240 pick that crutch up. 539 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,040 Pick that crutch right up! 540 00:16:29,599 --> 00:16:31,120 Right. 541 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,959 Squad, turn! 542 00:16:33,959 --> 00:16:35,520 Squad, right. 543 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,040 Turn! 544 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:40,199 Squad, by the left, 545 00:16:40,199 --> 00:16:40,199 quick limp! 546 00:16:41,199 --> 00:16:43,959 Come on, pick them up. 547 00:16:43,959 --> 00:16:46,839 Get some air 548 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:46,839 in those wounds. 549 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:50,839 Here at St. Pooves, 550 00:16:50,839 --> 00:16:50,839 we believe in A.R.T. 551 00:16:50,839 --> 00:16:53,160 Active Recuperation 552 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:53,160 Techniques. 553 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:54,760 We try to help 554 00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:54,760 the patient understand 555 00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:56,599 that however ill he may be, 556 00:16:56,599 --> 00:17:00,400 he can still fulfill 557 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:00,400 a useful role in society. 558 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:03,079 Sun lounge please, 559 00:17:03,079 --> 00:17:04,199 Mr. Griffiths. 560 00:17:06,079 --> 00:17:07,760 Well... 561 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,480 I got a triple fracture 562 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:10,480 of the right leg, 563 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:12,839 dislocated collarbone, 564 00:17:12,839 --> 00:17:15,040 and multiple head injuries, 565 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:19,240 so I do most of the heavy work, 566 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:19,240 like helping the surgeon. 567 00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:21,800 INTERVIEWER: 568 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:21,800 What does that involve? 569 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:25,000 Well, at the moment, we're 570 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:25,000 building him a holiday home. 571 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,119 INTERVIEWER: 572 00:17:27,119 --> 00:17:27,119 What about the nurses? 573 00:17:27,119 --> 00:17:28,919 Oh, well, I don't know 574 00:17:28,919 --> 00:17:28,919 about them. 575 00:17:28,919 --> 00:17:30,960 They're not allowed 576 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:30,960 to mix with the patients. 577 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:32,680 INTERVIEWER: 578 00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:32,680 Do all the patients work? 579 00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:34,320 No, no. 580 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,080 The ones that are really ill 581 00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:36,080 do sport. 582 00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,040 [♪] 583 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:51,000 ANNOUNCER: Yes, one thing patients here dread are the runs. 584 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:07,480 INTERVIEWER: How are you feeling? 585 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:08,680 Much better. 586 00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:10,360 [GROANS] 587 00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:11,960 [GRUNTING] 588 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,680 ANNOUNCER: But the patients are allowed visiting. 589 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:22,080 And this week they're visiting 590 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:22,080 an iron foundry at Swindon, 591 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:25,399 which is crying out 592 00:18:25,399 --> 00:18:25,399 for unskilled labor. 593 00:18:25,399 --> 00:18:27,760 [♪] 594 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:31,840 But this isn't the only hospital 595 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,120 where doctors' conditions 596 00:18:34,120 --> 00:18:35,240 are improving. 597 00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:39,440 Oh, we have very little shortage of doctors here. 598 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:41,320 We have over 40 doctors 599 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:41,320 per bed-- 600 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,360 Patient. 601 00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:44,800 I'll be honest. Bed. 602 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:48,840 We've every facility here 603 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,720 for dealing with people 604 00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:50,720 who are rich. 605 00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,040 We can deal 606 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:52,040 with a blocked purse, 607 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:53,720 we can drain 608 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:53,720 private accounts, 609 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:55,159 and in the worst cases 610 00:18:55,159 --> 00:18:57,000 we can perform 611 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:57,000 a total "cashectomy," 612 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:58,800 which is total removal 613 00:18:58,800 --> 00:18:58,800 of all moneys 614 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,480 from the patient. 615 00:19:03,240 --> 00:19:04,720 Well, here we try to help people 616 00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:07,120 who have to link 617 00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:07,120 sketches together. 618 00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:09,879 We try to stop them saying, 619 00:19:09,879 --> 00:19:09,879 "Have you ever wondered what it would be like if," 620 00:19:09,879 --> 00:19:12,280 and instead to say 621 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:13,855 something like, um... 622 00:19:13,879 --> 00:19:16,800 "And now the mountaineering sketch." 623 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:19,600 Oh, I haven't written 624 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:19,600 a mountaineering sketch, 625 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:24,520 but now over to the exploding 626 00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:24,520 version of the "Blue Danube." 627 00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:26,560 [PLAYING STRAUS' 628 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,000 "THE BLUE DANUBE"] 629 00:19:59,639 --> 00:20:03,399 ANNOUNCER: And now a dormitory in a girls' public school. 630 00:20:03,399 --> 00:20:05,720 [SNORING] 631 00:20:07,639 --> 00:20:09,800 [FOOTSTEPS] 632 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,280 [CLATTERING] 633 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:18,600 MAN 1: Hello, Agnes? 634 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:21,159 Agnes, are you awake? 635 00:20:21,159 --> 00:20:22,280 Agnes? 636 00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:23,560 [MOANING] 637 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,040 [SLAPPING] 638 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,879 MAN: Agnes? 639 00:20:26,879 --> 00:20:29,280 MAN 2: 640 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:29,280 Who is it? Is that you, Charlie? 641 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,480 MAN 1: 642 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:31,480 Yeah, Agnes. Where's Jane? 643 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,679 MAN 3: 644 00:20:33,679 --> 00:20:33,679 I'm over here, Charlie. 645 00:20:33,679 --> 00:20:35,760 MAN 1: 646 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:35,760 Jane, we're going down to raid the tuck shop. 647 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,639 MAN 2: 648 00:20:38,639 --> 00:20:38,639 Oh, good-o. Count me in, girls. 649 00:20:38,639 --> 00:20:40,080 MAN 4: 650 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:40,080 Can I come too, Agnes? 651 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:41,440 MAN 1: 652 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:41,440 Yeah, Joyce. 653 00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,000 MAN 5: 654 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:43,000 And me and Avril? 655 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,600 MAN 3: 656 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:44,600 Yeah, rather. And Suki. 657 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:46,800 MAN 4: 658 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:46,800 Oh, whacko the diddle-oh. 659 00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:48,520 MAN 1: 660 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:51,187 Table it, girls, here comes Miss Rodgers. 661 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:53,600 All right, girls. 662 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,520 Now stop this tomfoolery 663 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:55,520 and get back into bed. 664 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:58,280 Remember it's the big match 665 00:20:58,280 --> 00:20:59,456 at St. Bridget's tomorrow. 666 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,040 Yes, on your screen tomorrow, 667 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:02,760 The Naughtiest Girl 668 00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:02,760 in the School, 669 00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:06,120 starring the men 670 00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:06,120 of the 14th Marine Commandos. 671 00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:08,040 And now it's documentary time, 672 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,760 when we look at 673 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:09,760 the momentous last years 674 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,480 of the Second World War. 675 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,679 And tonight 676 00:21:13,679 --> 00:21:13,679 the invasion of Normandy, 677 00:21:13,679 --> 00:21:15,840 performed by the girls 678 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:15,840 of Oakdene High School, 679 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:17,360 Upper Fifth Science. 680 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:20,159 MAN: 681 00:21:20,159 --> 00:21:20,159 Come on, come on, come on. 682 00:21:20,159 --> 00:21:22,200 [ALL SQUEALING] 683 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:39,040 Oh, it's still raining. 684 00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:40,679 I'm going 685 00:21:40,679 --> 00:21:40,679 down the shops. 686 00:21:40,679 --> 00:21:42,919 Oh, be a dear 687 00:21:42,919 --> 00:21:42,919 and get me some ratsbane 688 00:21:42,919 --> 00:21:44,480 for the budgie's boil. 689 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:46,240 Otherwise, 690 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:46,240 I'll put your eyes out. 691 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:47,760 Aye, aye, 692 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:48,760 captain. 693 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,240 WOMAN: Calling torpedo bay. 694 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,399 Hi, torpedo bay. 695 00:21:56,399 --> 00:21:57,600 She said torpedo bay. 696 00:21:57,600 --> 00:21:59,360 Yes, she did, she did. 697 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:00,679 Yes, she said torpedo bay. 698 00:22:00,679 --> 00:22:00,679 She did, she did. 699 00:22:00,679 --> 00:22:02,360 She said torpedo bay. 700 00:22:02,360 --> 00:22:04,960 Hello, this is 701 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:04,960 Lieutenant Edale here. 702 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:08,360 Mrs. Midshipman Nesbitt's got 703 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:08,360 one of her headaches again, 704 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:11,960 so I put her 705 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:11,960 in the torpedo tube. 706 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:14,040 Roger, Mrs. Edale, 707 00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:16,600 stand by 708 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:16,600 to fire Mrs. Nesbitt. 709 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:18,080 Stand by to fire 710 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:18,080 Mrs. Nesbitt. 711 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:21,159 Standing by to fire 712 00:22:21,159 --> 00:22:21,159 Mrs. Nesbitt. 713 00:22:21,159 --> 00:22:23,960 Red alert, 714 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:23,960 put the kettle on. 715 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,080 Kettle on. 716 00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:28,679 Engine room, 717 00:22:28,679 --> 00:22:28,679 stand by to feed the cat. 718 00:22:28,679 --> 00:22:30,320 Standing by 719 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:31,600 to feed the cat. 720 00:22:32,159 --> 00:22:34,240 Fire, Mrs. Nesbitt! 721 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:39,040 Oh, that's much better. 722 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:41,040 MAN: 723 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:41,040 "As an admiral who came up through the ranks 724 00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,000 more times than you've had 725 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:43,000 hot dinners, 726 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:46,080 I wish to join my husband, 727 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:46,080 Admiral O.W.A. Giveaway, 728 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:48,360 in condemning 729 00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:48,360 this shoddy misrepresentation 730 00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:50,040 of our modern navy. 731 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:51,360 The British Navy 732 00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:51,360 is one of the finest 733 00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:53,040 and most attractive 734 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:55,480 and butchest fighting forces 735 00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:55,480 in the world. 736 00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:57,080 I love those white 737 00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:57,080 flared trousers 738 00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:59,439 and the feel 739 00:22:59,439 --> 00:22:59,439 of rough blue serge 740 00:22:59,439 --> 00:23:01,439 on those pert little buttocks. 741 00:23:01,439 --> 00:23:02,960 I'm afraid we are unable 742 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:02,960 to show you 743 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:04,679 any more of that letter. 744 00:23:04,679 --> 00:23:08,200 We continue with a man 745 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,200 with a stoat through his head. 746 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:13,480 And now: 747 00:23:19,919 --> 00:23:22,280 Still no sign of land. 748 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:23,800 How long is it? 749 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:26,200 That's rather 750 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:26,200 a personal question, sir. 751 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:29,000 You stupid git. 752 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,840 I meant how long 753 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:31,840 we've been in the lifeboat. 754 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,520 You've spoiled 755 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:33,520 the atmosphere now. 756 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,439 I'm sorry. 757 00:23:35,439 --> 00:23:35,439 Shut up! 758 00:23:35,439 --> 00:23:36,960 We'll have 759 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:38,160 to start again. 760 00:23:42,639 --> 00:23:45,240 Still no sign of land. 761 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:46,919 How long is it? 762 00:23:46,919 --> 00:23:48,439 Thirty-three days, sir. 763 00:23:48,439 --> 00:23:50,360 Thirty-three days. 764 00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:53,320 I don't think 765 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:53,320 we can hold out longer. 766 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:55,399 I don't think I did 767 00:23:55,399 --> 00:23:55,399 spoil the atmosphere. Shut up! 768 00:23:55,399 --> 00:23:56,840 I'm sorry, 769 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:56,840 I don't think I did. 770 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:58,240 Of course you did. 771 00:23:58,240 --> 00:23:59,720 Do you think I spoiled 772 00:23:59,720 --> 00:23:59,720 the atmosphere? 773 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:02,520 Well, I-- I think you-- 774 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,200 Look, shut up! Shut up! 775 00:24:05,679 --> 00:24:08,000 [COUGHING] 776 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:10,520 Still no sign of land. 777 00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:11,639 How long is it? 778 00:24:11,639 --> 00:24:12,639 Thirty-three days. 779 00:24:12,639 --> 00:24:14,760 Have we started again? Oh! 780 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:25,560 Still no sign of land. 781 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:26,919 How long is it? 782 00:24:26,919 --> 00:24:28,600 Thirty-three days, sir. 783 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:28,600 Thirty-three days? 784 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:32,280 Yes. We can't hold out 785 00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:32,280 much longer. 786 00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:34,639 We haven't had any food 787 00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:34,639 since the fifth day. 788 00:24:34,639 --> 00:24:36,480 We're done for, 789 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:36,480 we're done for! 790 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,000 Shut up, Maudling! 791 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,200 We've just gotta 792 00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:40,200 keep hoping 793 00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:41,720 someone will find us. 794 00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:43,320 How are you feeling, 795 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:43,320 captain? 796 00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:45,000 Not so good. 797 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:46,720 I feel so weak. 798 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:49,720 HODGES: 799 00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:49,720 We can't hold out much longer. 800 00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:51,360 [COUGHING] 801 00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:54,399 Listen, chaps, 802 00:24:54,399 --> 00:24:54,399 there's one last chance. 803 00:24:54,399 --> 00:24:56,120 I'm done for, 804 00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:56,120 I've got a gammy leg, 805 00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:58,200 and I'm going fast, 806 00:24:58,200 --> 00:24:59,776 I'll never get through, but-- 807 00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:02,520 some of you might. 808 00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:04,600 So you'd better eat me. 809 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:05,760 Eat you, sir? 810 00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,520 Yes. Eat me. 811 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:08,639 [GROANS] 812 00:25:08,639 --> 00:25:11,320 With a gammy leg? 813 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:12,960 You don't have to eat 814 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:12,960 the leg, Thompson, 815 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:14,600 there's still plenty 816 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:14,600 of good meat. 817 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:15,919 Look at that arm. 818 00:25:15,919 --> 00:25:17,560 It's not 819 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:17,560 just the leg, sir. 820 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:18,960 What do you mean? 821 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:20,480 Well, sir, 822 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:20,480 it's just that-- 823 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:22,560 Why don't you want 824 00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:22,560 to eat me? 825 00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:23,840 I'd rather eat 826 00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:23,840 Johnson, sir. 827 00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:25,240 Oh, so would I, 828 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:25,240 sir. 829 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:26,840 I see. 830 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:28,679 Oh, well, that's settled. 831 00:25:28,679 --> 00:25:28,679 Everyone eats me. 832 00:25:28,679 --> 00:25:30,639 Well, I, um... 833 00:25:30,639 --> 00:25:30,639 What, sir? 834 00:25:30,639 --> 00:25:32,919 No, no, you go ahead, 835 00:25:32,919 --> 00:25:32,919 I won't... 836 00:25:32,919 --> 00:25:35,240 Nonsense, nonsense, sir, 837 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:35,240 you're starving. Tuck in! 838 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:37,080 No, it's-- 839 00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:37,080 It's not just that. 840 00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:39,240 What's the matter 841 00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:39,240 with Johnson, sir? 842 00:25:40,199 --> 00:25:41,320 Well, he's not kosher. 843 00:25:43,399 --> 00:25:44,840 Depends how we kill him, sir. 844 00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:46,360 Yes, yes, I see that, 845 00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:48,560 but, um, well, 846 00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:48,560 to be quite frank, 847 00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:50,480 I like my meat 848 00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:50,480 a little more lean. 849 00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:51,639 I'd rather eat Hodges. 850 00:25:51,639 --> 00:25:53,560 Oh, well, all right. 851 00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:55,439 No, I'd still prefer 852 00:25:55,439 --> 00:25:55,439 to eat Johnson. 853 00:25:55,439 --> 00:25:57,199 I wish you'd stop bickering 854 00:25:57,199 --> 00:25:57,199 and eat me. 855 00:25:57,199 --> 00:25:59,000 I tell you what. 856 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,080 Why don't those of us 857 00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:01,080 who want to eat Johnson, 858 00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:03,080 then you, sir, can eat my leg, 859 00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:04,879 and then we can make 860 00:26:04,879 --> 00:26:04,879 a stock of the captain, 861 00:26:04,879 --> 00:26:06,399 and then after that we can eat 862 00:26:06,399 --> 00:26:08,000 the rest of Johnson 863 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:08,000 cold for supper? 864 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,159 Good thinking, Hodges. 865 00:26:10,159 --> 00:26:10,159 We'll finish off with peaches. 866 00:26:10,159 --> 00:26:11,840 And we can start off 867 00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:11,840 with the avocados. 868 00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:13,280 Waitress! 869 00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:14,960 Waitress, 870 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:14,960 we've decided now. 871 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,159 We're going to have 872 00:26:17,159 --> 00:26:17,159 a leg of Hodges. 873 00:26:17,159 --> 00:26:19,120 [AUDIENCE GROANING] 874 00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:24,679 MAN: Dear sir, I am glad to hear that your studio audience 875 00:26:24,679 --> 00:26:27,320 disapproves of the last skit 876 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:27,320 as strongly as I. 877 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:30,040 As a naval officer, 878 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:30,040 I abhor the implication 879 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:32,639 that the Royal Navy 880 00:26:32,639 --> 00:26:32,639 is a haven for cannibalism. 881 00:26:32,639 --> 00:26:34,600 It is well known 882 00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:34,600 that we now have the problem 883 00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:36,159 relatively under control, 884 00:26:36,159 --> 00:26:37,960 and that it's the RAF 885 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:37,960 who now suffer 886 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:40,040 the largest casualties 887 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:40,040 in this area. 888 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:41,879 And what do you think 889 00:26:41,879 --> 00:26:41,879 the Argylls ate in Aden? 890 00:26:41,879 --> 00:26:43,600 Arabs? 891 00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:45,439 Yours et cetera, 892 00:26:45,439 --> 00:26:45,439 Captain B.J. Smethwick, 893 00:26:45,439 --> 00:26:47,000 in a white wine sauce 894 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:47,000 with shallots, 895 00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:49,199 mushrooms and garlic. 896 00:26:49,199 --> 00:26:51,080 [CHOMPING] 897 00:27:07,879 --> 00:27:10,120 MAN: Stop it. Stop it! 898 00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:11,879 Stop this cannibalism! 899 00:27:11,879 --> 00:27:14,199 Let's have a sketch about 900 00:27:14,199 --> 00:27:14,199 clean, decent human beings. 901 00:27:14,199 --> 00:27:16,760 [RINGING] 902 00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:18,480 Good morning. 903 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:18,480 Ah, good morning. 904 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:19,879 What will I do 905 00:27:19,879 --> 00:27:19,879 for you, squire? 906 00:27:19,879 --> 00:27:21,280 Well, uh, I wonder 907 00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:21,280 if you can help me. 908 00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:23,320 Um, you see, 909 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:23,320 my mother has just died. 910 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:24,679 Oh, yeah, we can help you. 911 00:27:24,679 --> 00:27:26,560 We deal with stiffs. 912 00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:26,560 What? 913 00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:29,320 Well, there are three things 914 00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:29,320 we can do with your mother: 915 00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:31,879 We can burn her, 916 00:27:31,879 --> 00:27:31,879 bury her or dump her. 917 00:27:31,879 --> 00:27:33,000 Dump her? 918 00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:35,520 Dump her in the Thames. 919 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:35,520 What?! 920 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:37,960 Oh, did you like her? 921 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:37,960 Yes. 922 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:39,399 Oh, we won't dump her, then. 923 00:27:39,399 --> 00:27:39,399 Well, what do you think? 924 00:27:39,399 --> 00:27:42,040 We can bury her or burn her. 925 00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:43,720 Well, uh, which 926 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:43,720 do you recommend? 927 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:45,399 Well, they're both nasty. 928 00:27:45,399 --> 00:27:48,320 Uh, if we burn her, she gets 929 00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:48,320 stuffed in the flames. 930 00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:50,000 Crackle, crackle, crackle. 931 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,040 Which is a bit of a shock if 932 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:53,040 she's not quite dead, but quick. 933 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:54,840 Then we give you 934 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:54,840 a handful of ashes, 935 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:56,800 which you can pretend 936 00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:56,800 were hers. Oh. 937 00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:58,399 Or if we bury her, 938 00:27:58,399 --> 00:28:01,800 she gets eaten up by lots 939 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:01,800 of weevils and nasty maggots 940 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:03,760 which, as I said before, 941 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:05,600 is a bit of a shock 942 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:05,600 if she's not quite dead. 943 00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,080 I see. 944 00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:09,439 Well, she's, uh-- 945 00:28:09,439 --> 00:28:09,439 She's definitely dead. 946 00:28:09,439 --> 00:28:11,560 Where is she? 947 00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:11,560 Oh, she's in this sack. 948 00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:12,720 Can I have a look? 949 00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:14,879 [AUDIENCE BOOING] 950 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:17,360 She looks quite young. 951 00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:19,000 Yes. Yes, she was. 952 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:20,679 Fred? 953 00:28:20,679 --> 00:28:20,679 FRED: Yeah? 954 00:28:20,679 --> 00:28:21,879 I think we've got an eater. 955 00:28:21,879 --> 00:28:23,360 [AUDIENCE BOOS] 956 00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:23,360 What? 957 00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:24,800 I'll get the oven on. 958 00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:24,800 Right. 959 00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:28,000 Uh, excuse me, um, are you--? 960 00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:28,000 Are--? 961 00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:31,199 Are you suggesting... 962 00:28:31,199 --> 00:28:31,199 eating my mother? 963 00:28:31,199 --> 00:28:33,159 [AUDIENCE SHOUTS] 964 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:37,639 Yeah. Not raw, cooked. What? 965 00:28:37,639 --> 00:28:40,000 You know, roasted, 966 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:40,000 a few French fries, 967 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:42,720 broccoli, 968 00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:42,720 horseradish sauce. 969 00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:44,639 MAN: 970 00:28:44,639 --> 00:28:44,639 That's nasty. 971 00:28:44,639 --> 00:28:46,280 Well, I-- I do feel 972 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:46,280 a bit peckish. 973 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:47,399 [AUDIENCE GROANS] 974 00:28:47,399 --> 00:28:48,639 Great! 975 00:28:48,639 --> 00:28:49,919 Can we have 976 00:28:49,919 --> 00:28:49,919 some parsnips? 977 00:28:49,919 --> 00:28:51,520 Fred, get some parsnips! 978 00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:53,679 I really don't think 979 00:28:53,679 --> 00:28:53,679 I should. 980 00:28:53,679 --> 00:28:55,199 Look, tell you what. 981 00:28:55,199 --> 00:28:56,959 We'll eat her, 982 00:28:56,959 --> 00:28:59,159 if you feel a bit guilty 983 00:28:59,159 --> 00:28:59,159 about it afterwards, 984 00:28:59,159 --> 00:29:00,840 we can dig a grave 985 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:00,840 and you can throw up in it. 986 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:03,040 [AUDIENCE ROARS] 987 00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:11,280 [ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY] 988 00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:23,280 ["GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" PLAYING]