I, ERIC, UM...
AND NOW...
IT'S...
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
MICHAEL NORMAN RANDALL
YOU HAVE BEEN FOUND GUILTY
OF THE MURDER OF ARTHUR REGINALD WEBSTER
CHARLES PATRICK TRUMPINGTON
MARCEL AGNES BERNSTEIN, LEWIS ANONA RUDD
JOHN MALCOLM KERR
NIGEL SINCLAIR ROBINSON, NORMAN ARTHUR POTTER
FELICITY JAYNE STONE
JEAN-PAUL REYNARD, RACHEL SHIRLEY DONALDSON
STEPHEN JAY GREENBLATT
KARL-HEINZ MULLER
BELINDA ANNE VENTHAM
JUAN-CARLOS FERNANDEZ
THOR OLAF STENSGAARD
LORD KIMBERLEY OF PRETORIA
LADY KIMBERLEY OF PRETORIA
THE RIGHT HONOURABLE NIGEL WARMSLEY KIMBERLEY
ROBERT HENRY NOONAN AND FELIX JAMES BENNETT
ON OR ABOUT THE MORNING OF THE 19th OF DECEMBER, 1972.
HAVE YOU ANYTHING TO SAY BEFORE I PASS SENTENCE?
YES, SIR. I'M VERY SORRY.
"VERY SORRY"?!
YES, SIR. IT WAS A VERY, VERY BAD THING TO HAVE DONE
AND I'M REALLY VERY ASHAMED OF MYSELF.
I CAN ONLY SAY IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
TO HAVE MURDERED SO MANY PEOPLE IN SUCH A SHORT SPACE OF TIME
IS REALLY AWFUL
AND I REALLY AM VERY, VERY, VERY SORRY THAT I DID IT
AND ALSO THAT I'VE TAKEN UP SO MUCH
OF THE COURT'S VALUABLE TIME
LISTENING TO THE SORDID DETAILS
OF THESE SENSELESS KILLINGS OF MINE.
I'D PARTICULARLY LIKE TO SAY
A VERY PERSONAL AND SINCERE SORRY TO YOU, M'LORD
FOR MY APPALLING BEHAVIOR THROUGHOUT THIS TRIAL.
I'D ALSO LIKE TO SAY SORRY, TOO, FOR THE POLICE
FOR PUTTING THEM TO SO MUCH TROUBLE...
FOR THE LITERALLY HOURS OF WORK THEY'VE HAD TO PUT IN
COLLECTING EVIDENCE
AND IDENTIFYING CORPSES AND SO FORTH.
YOU KNOW, I THINK SOMETIMES WE OUGHT TO REALIZE
THE DIFFICULT AND OFTEN DANGEROUS WORK
INVOLVED IN TRACKING DOWN VIOLENT CRIMINALS LIKE MYSELF
AND I'D JUST LIKE THEM TO KNOW
THAT THEIR FINE WORK IS AT LEAST APPRECIATED BY ME.
OH, NO, NO.
WE WERE ONLY DOING OUR JOB.
NO, NO, REALLY.
THAT'S VERY GOOD OF YOU TO SAY THAT
BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH.
OH, NO, NO. WE'VE HAD WORSE.
IT WAS PLAIN SAILING, APART FROM THE ARREST.
I KNOW AND I'M GRATEFUL.
I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE, TOO, TO THE PROSECUTING COUNSEL
FOR DRAGGING HIM IN HERE MORNING AFTER MORNING
IN SUCH LOVELY WEATHER.
WELL, I WOULD HAVE HAD TO COME IN ANYWAY.
AH, GOOD. BUT WHAT A PRESENTATION OF A CASE.
OH. THANK YOU.
OH, NO. IT'S A PRIVILEGE TO WATCH YOU IN ACTION.
I NEVER HAD A CHANCE.
OH, YES, YOU DID.
OH, NOT AFTER THAT SUMMING UP. GREAT.
OH. THANK YOU.
AND NOW I MUST COME TO THE JURY.
WHAT CAN I SAY?
I'VE DRAGGED YOU IN HERE DAY AFTER DAY
KEEPING YOU AWAY FROM YOUR HOMES
YOUR JOBS, YOUR LOVED ONES
JUST TO HEAR THE PRIVATE DETAILS
OF MY PETTY ATROCITIES.
NO, NO.
IT WAS VERY INTERESTING.
BUT YOU COULD HAVE HAD A MUCH NICER CASE.
OH, NO, NO, NO. MURDER'S MUCH MORE FUN.
YES. AND SO MANY OF THEM.
EXCELLENT.
WE'VE HAD A TERRIFIC TIME.
I'M SORRY. I'M VERY MOVED.
SO, M'LORD IT ONLY REMAINS
FOR YOU TO PASS THE MOST SAVAGE SENTENCE ON ME
THAT THE LAW CAN PROVIDE.
WELL, UH, NOT NECESSARILY.
UH, NO, M'LORD. THE FULL PENALTY OF THE LAW IS HARDLY SUFFICIENT.
I INSIST I MUST BE MADE AN EXAMPLE OF.
WELL, YES AND NO.
I MEAN, SOCIETY AT LARGE...
OH, NO, M'LORD!
NOT WITH MASS MURDER.
OH, BUT IN THIS CASE, DON'T YOU THINK?
YES, YES.
OH, COME ON, M'LORD!
YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE ME LIFE.
NO! NO. NO.
WELL, TEN YEARS AT LEAST. COME ON.
TEN YEARS?
SHAME, SHAME.
WELL, FIVE THEN. BE FAIR.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M GIVING YOU THREE MONTHS.
OH, MY GOD, THAT'S SO EMBARRASSING.
I WON'T HEAR OF IT.
GIVE ME SIX. PLEASE.
WELL... ALL RIGHT.
SIX MONTHS.
THANK YOU, M'LORD.
BUT SUSPENDED.
OH!
THREE CHEERS FOR THE DEFENDANT!
HIP-HIP...
HOORAY!
HIP-HIP...
HOORAY!
HIP-HIP...
HOORAY!
IT'S NO GOOD, SPIDER.
YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THAT EASILY.
WE'RE COMING IN AFTER YOU.
THIS WAY, DAVIS.
HMM. WE'D BEST SEPARATE.
I'M GOING DOWN THERE.
YOU CHECK THE RIGHT VENTRICLE.
ANY SIGN OF HIM, DAVIS?
WHY, NO. NOTHING HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL CHECK THE SPLEEN.
WAIT!
OH, MY GOD! HE'S DOWN THE BACK OF US!
QUICK! WE'VE GOT TO CATCH HIM
BEFORE HE REACHES THE NECK.
OH, NO. TOO LATE, DAVIS!
HE'S GOT OUT!
OH! HE'S EATING!
RUN FOR IT!
AH!
OH, MY GOD!
WE'RE HERE IN THE STOMACH!
OH...
THIS LITTLE-KNOWN ICELANDIC SAGA
WRITTEN BY AN UNKNOWN HAND IN THE LATE 13th CENTURY
HAS REMAINED UNDISCOVERED UNTIL TODAY.
NOW IT COMES TO YOUR SCREENS FOR THE FIRST TIME
FRESH FROM THE LEAVES OF ICELAND'S HISTORY.
THE TERRIBLE NJORL'S SAGA...
IT'S NOT THAT TERRIBLE.
NO, I MEANT TERRIBLY VIOLENT.
OH, YEAH.
YEAH.
ERIK NJORL, SON OF FROTHGAR
LEAVES HIS HOME TO SEEK HANGAR THE ELDER
AT THE HOUSE OF THORVALD NLODVISSON
THE SON OF GUDLEIF
HALF-BROTHER OF THORGIER, THE PRIEST OF LJOSA WATER
WHO TOOK TO WIFE THURUNN, THE MOTHER OF THORKEL BRAGGART
THE SLAYER OF GUDMUND THE POWERFUL
WHO KNEW HOWAL, SON OF GEERNON, SON OF ERIK FROM VADALESC
SON ARVAL GRISTLEBEARD, SON OF HARKEN
WHO KILLED BJORTGUAARD IN SOCHNADALE IN NORWA Y
OVER GUDREED, DAUGHTER OF THORKEL LONG
THE SON OF KETTLE-TROUT
THE HALF-SON OF HARVIYOUN HALF-TROLL
FATHER OF INGBARE THE BRAVE
WHO WED ISENBERT OF GOTTENBERG
THE DAUGHTER OF HANGBARD THE FIERCE...
WE APOLOGIZE FOR AN ERROR IN THE SAGA.
EVIDENTLY THORGIER, THE PRIEST OF LJOSA WATER
WHO TOOK TO WIFE THURUNN, THE MOTHER OF THORKEL BRAGGART
THE SLAYER OF GUDMUND THE POWERFUL
WHO KNEW HOWAL, SON OF GEERNON, SON OF ERIK FROM VADALESC...
WELL, I'M AFRAID WE'RE HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE
GETTING THIS VERY EXCITING ICELANDIC SAGA STARTED.
IF ANY OF YOU AT HOME HAVE ANY IDEAS
ABOUT HOW TO GET THIS EXCITING SAGA STARTED AGAIN
HELP THE EXCITING ICELANDIC SAGA
18-B MacNORTEN BUILDINGS, OBAN.
HELLO, UM, WELL
I WAS THE THIRD VOICE YOU HEARD JUST NOW.
UH, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT TERRIBLE MESS.
IT WASN'T ALL THAT TERRIBLE.
NO, NO, I MEANT TERRIBLE IN THE SENSE OF UNFORTUNATE.
OH.
ANYWAY, UM, OUR PLEA
FOR ASSISTANCE HAS BEEN ANSWERED
BY THE NORTH MALDEN ICELANDIC SAGA SOCIETY
WHO'VE GIVEN US SOME VERY USEFUL INFORMATION ABOUT THE SAGA
AND SO WE CARRY ON NOW WITH "N JORL'S SAGA"
WITH OUR THANKS GOING ONCE AGAIN
TO THE NORTH MALDEN ICELANDIC SAGA SOCIETY.
ERIK NJORL, SON OF FROTHGAR
RODE OFF INTO THE DESOLATE PLAIN.
DAY AND NIGHT HE RODE
LOOKING NEITHER TO RIGHT NOR LEFT
STOPPING NEITHER FOR FOOD NOR REST.
12 DAYS AND NIGHTS HE RODE, THROUGH RAIN AND STORM
THROUGH WIND AND SNOW
BEYOND THE ENCHANTED WATERFALL
THROUGH THE ELFIN GLADES
UNTIL HE REACHED HIS GOAL.
HE HAD FOUND THE RICH AND PLEASANT LAND
BEYOND THE MOUNTAINS...
THE LAND WHERE GOLDEN STREAMS
SANG THEIR WA Y THROUGH FRESH, GREEN MEADOWS
WHERE THERE WERE HALLS AND PALACES
AN EXCELLENT SWIMMING POOL
AND ONE OF THE MOST ATTRACTIVE
BONUS INCENTIVE SCHEMES
FOR INDUSTRIAL DEVELOPMENT IN THE CITY.
ONLY 15 MILES FROM EXCELLENT
THAMES-SIDE DOCKING FACILITIES
AND WITHIN EASY REACH OF THE PROPOSED M25.
HERE IT WAS THAT ERIC NJORL, SON OF FROTHGAR
MET THE MAYOR
MR. ARTHUR HUDDINUT, A LOCAL SOLICITOR.
WELCOME TO NORTH MALDEN.
YES, EVERYONE IS WELCOME TO NORTH MALDEN
BUT NONE MORE SO THAN THE BUSINESSMEN AND INVESTORS
WHO SHAPE OUR SOCIETY OF THE FUTURE.
HERE AT NORTH MALDEN...
AND WE APOLOGIZE TO VIEWERS OF NJORL'S SAGA
WHO MAY BE CONFUSED
BY SO MANY REFERENCES TO NORTH MALDEN.
AND AFTER A FRANK EXCHANGE OF VIEWS, WE HAVE AGREED
TO CARRY ON SHOWING THIS VERSION SUPPLIED TO US
BY THE NORTH MALDEN ICELANDIC SAGA SOCIETY
ON THE UNDERTAKING THAT FUTURE SCENES
WILL ADHERE MORE CLOSELY
TO THE SPIRIT OF 12th CENTURY ICELAND.
WITH MOIST EYES, ERIC LEAVES THIS HAPPY LAND
TO RETURN TO THE HARSH UNECONOMIC REALITIES
OF LIFE IN THE LAND OF LJOSA WATERS.
ON HIS WAY, ERIC RESTED A WHILE
IN THE LAND OF BJORNSSTRAND... THE LAND OF DARK FORCES
WHERE GILDOR WAS KING.
THESE WERE THE DUKES OF THE LAND OF BJORNSSTRAND.
PROUD WARRIORS WHO BORE ON THEIR CHESTS
THE LETTERS OF THEIR DREAD NAME.
Uh, hello?
Is that the North Malden Icelandic Society?
Yes, that's right.
It's about this saga.
Oh, yes, the Icelandic saga.
Yes. Good, isn't it?
Well, uh, well, I don't know
but, I mean, you promised us that you would stick
to the spirit of the original text.
Yes, that's right.
Well, I mean, a lot of these things that are happening...
I mean, well, they just don't quite ring true.
Well, it's a new interpretation, really.
Well, we didn't want a new int...
I mean, we wanted the proper thing.
I mean, just look what's happening now.
Banners were a very important part
of Icelandic lore, Mr. Mills.
Well, then, I mean, no, no, I'm sorry.
I just can't accept that. It's gone too far.
I'm very sorry, but we'll have to terminate the agreement.
Oh!
Well, you're just trying to cash in
on the BBC's exciting Icelandic saga.
That's business, Mr. Mills.
Well, that's as may be
but it's not the way the BBC works.
Well, I'm very sorry you feel that way
but, uh, you know, if you ever want
to come to Malden...
8:00 IS A PEAK VIEWING HOUR
SO NATURALLY, WE TEND TO STICK TO OUR COMEDY OUTPUT.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, THERE'S SPORT
BECAUSE, OF COURSE, WE KNOW THIS IS POPULAR
AND POPULARITY IS WHAT TELEVISION IS ABOUT.
QUITE FRANKLY, I'M SICK AND TIRED
OF PEOPLE ACCUSING US OF BEING RATINGS CONSCIOUS.
"RATINGS CONSCIOUS"?
TRANSMITTING BLAND GARBAGE, M'LORD.
MMM. THANK YOU.
NOW I'M REALLY CHEESED OFF!
I MEAN, IT'S NOT YOUR HIGHBROW, BLEEDING PLAYS
THAT PULL IN THE VIEWERS, YOU KNOW.
THANK YOU.
I MEAN, JOE PUBLIC
DOESN'T WANT TO SIT DOWN AND WATCH THREE HOURS
OF DOCUMENTARIES EVERY EVENING.
THANK YOU. HE WANTS TO SIT DOWN
AND HE WANTS TO BE ENTERTAINED!
HE DOESN'T WANT A LOAD OF...
NO, REALLY! I'M ABSOLUTELY FED UP WITH IT!
I REALLY AM! CASE DISMISSED.
"CASE DISMISSED," M'LORD?
ALL RIGHT... FIVE YEARS.
THANK YOU, M'LORD.
CALL THE NEXT CASE, PLEASE.
CALL ERIK NJORL
SON OF FROTHGAR, BROTHER OF HANGNOR...
CALL ERIK NJORL
SON OF FROTHGAR, BROTHER OF HANGNOR...
CALL ERIK NJORL
SON OF FROTHGAR, BROTHER OF HANGNOR...
...THE SLAYER OF GUDMUND'S SON...
YOU ARE ERIK NJORL, SON OF FROTHGAR...
GET ON WITH IT.
WOULD YOU RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND?
HE OBVIOUSLY CAN'T RAISE HIS RIGHT HAND
YOU SILLY USHER PERSON.
CAN YOU RAISE YOUR RIGHT LEG, MR. NJORL?
CAN YOU RAISE ANY PART OF YOUR BODY, MR. NJORL?
I SEE. WELL, WE'LL SKIP THAT.
WELL, JUST TAKE THE BOOK
IN YOUR RIGHT HAND, MR. NJORL
WITHOUT RAISING ANY PART OF YOUR BODY.
OH.
WHAT IS IT NOW
YOU PERSISTENTLY SILLY USHER?
HE CAN'T HOLD THE BIBLE, M'LORD.
OH, SCREW THE BIBLE!
LET'S GET ON WITH THIS BLEEDING TRIAL!
I'VE GOT A GAY LIB MEETING AT 6:00.
SUPERINTENDENT LUFTHANSA, WILL YOU PLEASE READ THE CHARGE?
IS A CHARGE STRICTLY NECESSARY, M'LORD?
THE PRESS IS HERE.
OH! OH, SORRY.
UM...
RIGHT! HERE WE GO.
ONE, THAT YOU DID, ON OR ABOUT 1126
CONSPIRE TO PUBLICIZE A LONDON BOROUGH
IN THE COURSE OF A BBC SAGA;
TWO, THAT YOU WERE
WILLFULLY AND PERSISTENTLY A FOREIGNER;
THREE, THAT YOU CONSPIRED TO DO THINGS
NOT NORMALLY CONSIDERED ILLEGAL;
FOUR, THAT YOU WERE CAUGHT IN POSSESSION
OF AN OFFENSIVE WEAPON
VIZ, THE BIG, BROWN TABLE DOWN AT THE POLICE STATION.
THE BIG, BROWN TABLE DOWN AT THE POLICE STATION?
IT'S THE BEST WE COULD FIND, M'LORD.
ALL TOGETHER NOW!
ASSAULTING A POLICE OFFICER!
THANK YOU!
CALL POLICE CONSTABLE PAN-AM.
INTO THE WITNESS BOX
CONSTABLE!
THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF TIME FOR THAT LATER ON.
NOW...
YOU ARE POLICE CONSTABLE PAN-AM?
NO! I DENY THAT TO THE LAST BREATH IN MY BODY!
OH! SORRY. YES.
POLICE CONSTABLE, DO YOU RECOGNIZE THE DEFENDANT?
NO! NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE IN MY LIFE!
OH! YES! YES!
HE'S THE ONE!
HE DONE IT!
I'D RECOGNIZE HIM ANYWHERE.
SORRY, SUPER.
CONSTABLE, WILL YOU PLEASE TELL THE COURT
IN YOUR OWN WORDS WHAT HAPPENED.
OH, YES!
I WAS PROCEEDING IN A NORTHERLY DIRECTION
UP ALITALIA STREET...
WHEN I SAW THE DECEASED...
STANDING AT AN UPSTAIRS WINDOW
BARING HER BOSOM AT THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
SHE THEN TOOK OFF HER...
WAIT A TICK!
WRONG STORY.
OH, YES!
THERE WERE THREE NUNS IN A RAILWAY COMPARTMENT
AND THE TICKET IN...
NO? ANYWAY, I CLEARLY SAW THE DECEASED...
THE DEFENDANT!
DEFENDANT! SORRY.
SORRY, SUPER.
I CLEARLY SAW THE DEFENDANT
DOING WHATEVER HE'S ACCUSED OF
UH, RED-HANDED.
WHEN KICKED, UH, CAUTIONED, HE SAID...
"IT'S A FAIR... COP, I DONE IT ALL.
RIGHT. NO... DOUBT ABOUT... THAT."
THEN, BOUND AS HE WAS TO THE CHAIR
HE ASSAULTED MYSELF
AND THREE OTHER CONSTABLES
WHILE BOUNCING AROUND THE CELL.
THE END.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
AND FOR MY NEXT PIECE OF EVIDENCE...
I-I THINK YOU'D BETTER LEAVE IT THERE, CONSTABLE.
EXCELLENT EVIDENCE, CONSTABLE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
NOW, MR. NJORL, WILL YOU TELL THE COURT, PLEASE
WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF 1126?
MOVE ANY PART OF YOUR BODY
IF YOU WERE NORTH OF A LINE FROM THE HUMBER TO THE MERSEY.
IS HE IN THERE, DO YOU THINK?
HELLO, HELLO, DEFENDANT?
ARE YOU THERE?
COO-EE!
I THINK WE BETTER GO AND HAVE A LOOK, MAURICE.
DON'T CALL ME MAURICE IN COURT!
ARE YOU IN THERE?
MR. NJORL?
THIS WAY, DAVIS.
HE'S NOT GETTING AWAY THIS TIME.
WE'LL GO DOWN THERE AND THROUGH THE LEFT LUNG.
IT WAS AROUND THE LEFT LUNG THAT...
ONCE AGAIN, I'VE PROVED TOO CLEVER FOR...
AND NOW, THE STOCK MARKET REPORT
BY EXCHANGE TELEGRAPH.
TRADING WAS CRISP AT THE START OF THE DAY
WITH SOME BRISK BUSINESS ON THE FLOOR.
RUBBER HARDENED, AND STRING REMAINED CONFIDENT.
LITTLE BITS OF TIN CONSOLIDATED
ALTHOUGH BISCUITS SANK AFTER AN EARLY GAIN
AND STOOLS REMAINED ANONYMOUS.
ARMPITS RALLIED WELL AFTER A POOR START.
NIPPLES ROSE DRAMATICALLY DURING THE MORNING
BUT HAD DECLINED BY MID-AFTERNOON
WHILE TEETH CLENCHED, AND BUTTOCKS REMAINED FIRM.
SMALL, DARK, FURRY THINGS INCREASED SEVERELY ON THE FLOOR
WHILST RUDE JELLIES WOBBLED UP AND DOWN
AND BOUNCED AGAINST RISING THIGHS
WHICH HAD SPREAD TO ALL PARTS OF THE COUNTRY BY MID-AFTERNOON.
AFTER LUNCH, NAUGHTY THINGS DIPPED SHARPLY
FORCING GIBLETS UPWARDS WITH THE NICKY NACKY NOO.
TING TANG TONG RANKLED DITHELY, LITTLE TIPPLES POOPED
AND POPPY THINGS WENT PONG!
GIBBLE GABBLE GOBBLE
WENT THE RICKETY RACKETY ROO, AS THE...
EH, THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO BE NORMAL.
HMM?
HMM.
HELLO, MRS. PREMISE.
HELLO, MRS. CONCLUSION.
BUSY DAY?
BUSY? I JUST SPENT FOUR HOURS
BURYING THE CAT.
FOUR HOURS TO BURY A CAT?
YES. HE WOULDN'T KEEP STILL.
WRIGGLING ABOUT, HOWLING ITS HEAD OFF.
OH, IT WASN'T DEAD THEN?
WELL, NO, NO.
BUT IT'S NOT AT ALL A WELL CAT.
SO AS WE WERE GOING AWAY FOR A FORTNIGHT'S HOLIDAY
I THOUGHT I BETTER BURY IT JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.
QUITE RIGHT.
YOU DON'T WANT TO COME BACK FROM SORRENTO TO A DEAD CAT.
IT WOULD BE SO ANTICLIMACTIC.
YES, KILL IT NOW.
THAT'S WHAT I SAY.
YES.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO HAVE OUR BUDGIE PUT DOWN.
REALLY? IS HE VERY OLD?
NO. WE JUST DON'T LIKE IT.
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE IT
TO THE VET TOMORROW.
TELL ME, HOW DO THEY PUT BUDGIES DOWN THEN?
WELL, IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK THAT
BUT I'VE JUST BEEN READING A GREAT BIG BOOK
ABOUT HOW TO PUT YOUR BUDGIE DOWN
AND APPARENTLY, YOU CAN EITHER HIT THEM WITH A BOOK
OR YOU CAN SHOOT THEM JUST THERE
JUST ABOVE THE BEAK.
JUST THERE? YES.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
OF COURSE, MRS. ESSENCE FLUSHED HERS
DOWN THE LOO.
OH, NO, YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT.
NO, THAT'S DANGEROUS.
YES, THEY BREED IN THE SEWERS
AND EVENTUALLY YOU GET EVIL-SMELLING FLOCKS
OF HUGE, SOILED BUDGIES
FLYING OUT OF PEOPLE'S LAVATORIES
INFRINGING THEIR PERSONAL FREEDOM.
GOOD MORNING, MRS. CUT-OUT.
MORNING, MRS. CUT-OUT.
IT'S A FUNNY THING, FREEDOM.
I MEAN
HOW CAN ANY OF US BE REALLY FREE
WHEN WE STILL HAVE PERSONAL POSSESSIONS?
YOU CAN'T. YOU CAN'T.
I MEAN, HOW CAN I GO OFF AND JOIN FRELIMO
WHEN I'VE GOT NINE MORE INSTALLMENTS
TO PAY ON THE FRIDGE?
NO, YOU CAN'T. YOU CAN'T.
WELL, THIS, OF COURSE, IS THE WHOLE CRUX
OF JEAN-PAUL SARTRE'S ROADS TO FREEDOM.
NO, IT BLOODY ISN'T.
THE NUB OF THAT IS HIS CHARACTERS STAND
FOR ALL OF US IN THEIR DESIRE TO AVOID ACTION.
MIND YOU, THE MAN AT THE OFF-LICENSE
SAYS IT'S AN EVERYDAY STORY
OF FRENCH COUNTRY FOLK.
WHAT DO THEY KNOW? NOTHING.
60 NEW PENCE FOR A BOTTLE OF MALTESE CLARET.
I PERSONALLY THINK THAT... OH, BEG YOUR PARDON...
I PERSONALLY THINK THAT JEAN-PAUL'S MASTERWORK
IS AN ALLEGORY OF MAN'S SEARCH FOR COMMITMENT.
NO, IT ISN'T. YES, IT IS.
'TISN'T! 'TIS!
NO, IT ISN'T!
ALL RIGHT. WE CAN SOON SETTLE THIS.
WE'LL ASK HIM.
DO YOU KNOW HIM? YES.
WE MET ON HOLIDAY LAST YEAR.
IN IBIZA?
YES. HE WAS STAYING THERE WITH HIS WIFE
AND MR. AND MRS. GENET.
OH, I DID GET ON WELL WITH MADAM S.
WE WERE LIKE THAT.
WHAT WAS JEAN-PAUL LIKE?
WELL, YOU KNOW, A BIT MOODY.
YES. YES.
HE DIDN'T JOIN IN THE FUN MUCH.
JUST SAT THERE THINKING.
STILL, MR. ROTTER CAUGHT HIM A FEW TIMES
WITH A WHOOPEE CUSHION.
LE CAPTITALISME ET LA BOURGEOISIE
ILS SONT LA MEME CHOSE...
OH, WE DID LAUGH.
OH, DEAR.
WELL, WE'LL GIVE HIM A TINKLE THEN.
YES, ALL RIGHT.
SHE SAID THEY WERE IN THE BOOK.
WHERE'S THE PARIS TELEPHONE DIRECTORY?
IT'S ON THE DRYER.
NO, NO. THAT'S BUDAPEST.
OH, HERE WE ARE.
SARTRE, SARTRE...
IT'S 621036.
OH, THANK YOU, MRS. FARLEY.
HELLO? PARIS 621036, PLEASE.
AND MAKE IT SNAPPY, BUSTER.
HELLO. HELLO, MRS. SARTRE.
IT'S BEULAGH PREMISE HERE.
OH, PARDON.
C'EST BEULAGH PREMISE ICI.
OUI, OUI, DANS IBIZA.
OUI. WE MET...
NOUS NOUS RECONTRONS AU HOTEL MIRAMAR.
OUI, A LA BARBEQUE, C'EST VRAI.
EST-CE QUE JEAN EST CHEZ VOUZ?
OH, MERDE.
WHEN WILL HE BE FREE?
OH, PARDON.
QUAND SERA T'IL LIBRE?
SHE SAYS HE'S SPENT THE LAST 60 YEARS
TRYING TO WORK THAT ONE OUT.
OH, TREZ AMUSANT, MADAME S.
OUI, ABSOLUMENT.
A BIENTOT.
WELL, HE'S OUT DISTRIBUTING PAMPHLETS TO THE MASSES
BUT HE'LL BE IN AT 6:00.
OH, WELL, I'LL RING B.E.A. THEN.
OH, LOOK! PARIS!
THAT'S NOT PARIS.
JEAN-PAUL WOULDN'T
LIVE HERE.
IT'S A RIGHT OLD DUMP.
BUT THIS IS WHERE THEY WERE WRONG.
FOR THIS WAS NO OLD DUMP, BUT A TOWN WITH A FUTURE
AN URBAN ELDORADO WHERE THE BUSINESSMAN OF TODAY CAN EN JOY
THE FACILITIES OF TOMORROW IN THE COMFORT OF YESTERDAY.
PROVIDED BY A GO-GETTING, GO-AHEAD COUNCIL
WHO KNOW JUST HOW LOUD MONEY CAN TALK.
INTEREST RATES...
WELL, IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS
BUT WE HAD THE SAME TROUBLE
WITH ONE OF OUR ICELANDIC SAGAS.
THESE PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLY KEEN
BUT THEY DO RATHER TEND TO TAKE OVER.
I THINK I'D STICK TO CARIBBEAN ISLANDS IF I WERE YOU.
FINE.
AND NOW, BACK TO THE SAGA.
HERE... THIS IS NOT PARIS.
THIS IS ICELAND.
OH... WELL.
PARIS MUST BE OVER THERE THEN.
OH.
OOH, HERE WE ARE.
NUMBER 25.
OH, YES. FLAT ONE
YVES MONTAND, FLAT THREE, JACQUES COUSTEAU
FLAT FOUR, JEAN GENET AND FRIEND...
OOH, YES.
FLAT FIVE, MAURICE LAROUX.
WHO'S HE?
NEVER HEARD OF HIM.
FLAT SIX, MARCEL MARCEAU
WALKING AGAINST THE WIND, LIMITED.
FLAT SEVEN, INDIRA GANDHI.
SHE GETS ABOUT A BIT, DOESN'T SHE?
YES. YES.
FLAT EIGHT, JEAN-PAUL AND BETTY-MURIEL SARTRE.
Oui?
C'EST NOUS, BETTY-MURIEL.
EXCUSEZ QUE NOUS SOMMES EN RETARD.
Entrez.
OUI, MERCI.
OH, RUBBISH.
BONJOUR.
PARLEZ VOUZ ANGLAIS?
OH, YES. GOOD DAY.
HELLO, LOVE.
HOW ARE YOU?
THIS IS MRS. CONCLUSION FROM NUMBER 46.
OH, NICE TO MEET YOU, DEAR.
HELLO.
HOW'S THE OLD MAN BEEN?
OH, DON'T ASK.
HE'S IN ONE OF HIS BLEEDING MOODS.
THE BOURGEOISIE THIS, IT'S THE BOURGEOISIE THAT.
HE'S LIKE A LITTLE CHILD SOMETIMES.
I WAS ONLY TELLING THE RANIERS THE OTHER DAY...
OF COURSE, HE'S ALWAYS RUDE TO THEM
ONLY CLASSY FRIENDS WE GOT...
I WAS SAYING, "SOLIDARITY WITH THE MASSES"
I SAID, "PIE IN THE SKY."
OOH, YOU'RE NOT A MARXIST, ARE YOU, MRS. CONCLUSION?
NO, I'M A REVISIONIST.
OH, GOOD.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS PLACE!
I'M AT MY WITS' END...
REVOLUTIONARY LEAFLETS EVERYWHERE.
ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'LL REVOLUTIONARY LEAFLETS HIM.
IF IT WASN'T FOR THE GOAT
YOU COULDN'T GET IN HERE FOR PROPAGANDA.
WELL, VERY WELL.
CAN WE, UH, POP IN
AND HAVE A WORD WITH HIM?
YES, COME ALONG.
THANK YOU.
BUT BE CAREFUL. HE'S HAD A FEW.
OH.
MIND YOU, HE'S GOOD AS GOLD IN THE MORNING...
I'VE GOT TO HAND IT TO HIM...
BUT COME LUNCHTIME, IT'S A BOTTLE OF VIN ORDINAIRE.
SIX GLASSES AND HE'S READY TO AGITATE.
UH, COO-EE!
JEAN-PAUL?
AH, IT'S ONLY US.
OH, PARDON, C'ESTMEME NOUS.
OUI.
JEAN-PAUL, YOUR FAMOUS TRILOGY, RUES A LIBERTE
IS IT AN ALLEGORY OF MAN'S SEARCH FOR COMMITMENT?
OUI.
TOLD YOU SO.
OH, COITUS.
TODAY, WE LOOK AT A VANISHING RACE
A PROBLEM PEOPLE WHO ARE FAST DISAPPEARING
OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH...
A RACE WHO ONE MIGHT SAY ARE LOSING A WINNING BATTLE.
THEY LIVE IN A SUNSHINE PARADISE
A CARIBBEAN DREAM WHERE ONLY REALITY IS MISSING...
FOR THIS IS WHICKER ISLAND...
AN ISLAND INHABITED ENTIRELY BY EX-INTERNATIONAL INTERVIEWERS
IN PURSUIT OF THE IMPOSSIBLE DREAM.
THE WHOLE PROBLEM OF WHICKER ISLAND
IS HERE IN A NUTSHELL.
THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY WHICKERS.
THE LIGHT-WEIGHT SUITS...
THE OLD SCHOOL TIES...
THE PRACTICED VOICE OF THE SEASONED CAMPAIGNER...
CANNOT HIDE THE BASIC TRAGEDY HERE.
THERE JUST AREN'T ENOUGH RICH PEOPLE LEFT
TO INTERVIEW.
YOU CAN'T TEACH AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS
AND SO YOU FIND THEM...
SITTING BESIDE ELEGANT SWIMMING POOLS...
SIPPING MARTINIS...
AND WAITING FOR THE INEVITABLE INTERVIEW.
I TALKED TO THE ISLAND'S ONLY WHITE MAN, FATHER PIERRE.
FATHER PIERRE, WHY DID YOU STAY ON
IN THIS COLONIAL CAMPARI-LAND
WHERE THE CLINK OF GLASSES MINGLES
WITH THE MURMUR OF A MILLION MOSQUITOES
WHERE WATERFALLS OF WHISKY WASH AWAY THE WORRIES
OF A WORLD-WEARY WHICKER
WHERE GIN AND TONICS JINGLE IN A GYROSCOPIC JUBILEE
OF SOMETHING BEGINNING WITH "J"?
FATHER PIERRE, WHY DID YOU STAY ON HERE?
WELL...
MAINLY FOR THE INTERVIEWS.
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.
A CRUMBLING...
EMPIRE IN THE SUN-DRENCHED...
CARIBBEAN, WHERE THE CLICHES SPARKLE ON THE WATERS...
LIKE THE MUSIC OF REPEAT FEES...
AND SO...
FROM WHICKER ISLAND...
IT'S...
FARE...
WELL, AND...
BON...
VOY...
AGE.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll