Narrator 1:
WHO, A YEAR AGO, HAD HEARD OF MR. AND MRS. BRIAN NORRIS
OF 37 GLEDHILL GARDENS, PARSONS GREEN?
AND YET, THEIR EPIC JOURNEY IN EBW343 HAS SET THEM
ALONGSIDE THOR HEYERDAHL AND SIR EDMUND HILLARY.
STARTING ONLY WITH A THEORY, MR. NORRIS SET OUT TO PROVE
THAT THE INHABITANTS OF HOUNSLOW
COULD HAVE BEEN DESCENDANTS OF THE PEOPLE OF SURBITON
WHO HAD MADE THE GREAT TREK NORTH.
NO NEWCOMER TO THIS FIELD
MR. NORRIS' A SHORT HISTORY OF MOTOR TRAFFIC
BETWEEN PURLEY AND ESHER
HAD BECOME A MINOR CLASSIC IN THE CAR-SWAPPING BELT.
BUT WHY WOULD THE PEOPLE OF SURBITON GO TO HOUNSLOW?
MR. NORRIS HAD NOTICED THREE THINGS:
FIRSTLY, THE SIMILARITY OF HOUSES;
SECONDLY, THE SIMILARITY OF COSTUME
BETWEEN HOUNSLOWAND SURBITON;
AND THIRDLY, THE SIMILARITY OF SPEECH.
ARE YOU STILL RUNNING THE G.D.B.D.M.D.B?
AH, YES, BUT I'VE HAD THE EXCESS NIPPLES WOPPLED
TO REMOVE TAMPING.
JOLLY GOOD.
WERE THESE JUST COINCIDENCES
OR WERE THEY, AS MR. NORRIS BELIEVED
PART OF AN IDENTICAL CULTURAL BACKGROUND?
ONE FURTHER DISCOVERY CONVINCED HIM:
THE LAWNMOWER.
SURELY SUCH A SOPHISTICATED HOUSEHOLD GADGET
COULD NOT HAVE BEEN GENERATED INDEPENDENTLY
IN TWO SEPARATE AREAS.
MR. NORRIS WAS CONVINCED.
I'M CONVINCED.
BUT HOW TO PROVE IT?
THERE WAS ONLY ONE WA Y TO SEE IF THE JOURNEY
BETWEEN SURBITON AND HOUNSLOW WAS POSSIBLE
AND THAT WAS TO TRY AND MAKE IT.
MONTHS OF PREPARATION FOLLOWED
WHILE MR. NORRIS CONTINUED HIS RESEARCH
IN THE PUTNEY PUBLIC LIBRARY
AND MRS. NORRIS MADE SANDWICHES.
FINALLY, BY APRIL
THEY WERE READY.
ON THE 23rd, MR. AND MRS. NORRIS SET OUT
FROM ABIDE-A-WEE TO MOTOR THE 15 MILES TO SURBITON
WATCHED BYA CROWD OF LOCAL WELL-WISHERS.
THAT EVENING, THEY DINED AT TOOTING.
THIS WOULD BE THE LAST THEY'D SEE OF CIVILIZATION.
MR. NORRIS' DIARY FOR THE 23rd REVEALS
THE EXTRAORDINARY CALMNESS
AND DEEP INNER PEACEFULNESS OF HIS MIND.
7:30... FED CAT.
8:00... BREAKFAST.
8:3O... YES,.
9:00... SET OUT ON HISTORIC JOURNEY.
ON THE MORNING OF THE 24th, EARLY TO A VOID THE TRAFFIC
MR. NORRIS' HISTORIC EXPEDITION SET OUT FROM SURBITON...
DESTINATION HOUNSLOW.
EARLY ON, THEY BEGAN TO PERCEIVE ENCOURAGING SIGNS.
THE WRITING ON THE SIGN WAS ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME
AS THE WRITING IN THE A.A. BOOK.
THEY WERE ON THE RIGHT ROUTE.
DURING THE LONG HOURS OF THE VOYAGE
MR. NORRIS' WIFE BETTY
KEPT A COMPLETE PHOTOGRAPHIC RECORD
AND MADE SANDWICHES.
THIS IS SOME OF THE UNIQUE FOOTAGE
WHICH MRS. NORRIS GOT BACK FROM THE CHEMIST'S.
MILE SUCCEEDED MILE
AND THE TERRIFIC STRAIN WAS BEGINNING TO TELL
WHEN SUDDENLY...
BY AN AMAZING STROKE OF LUCK
MR. NORRIS HAD COME ACROSS THE KINGSTON BYPASS.
THIS WAS SOMETHING TO TELL THE ROUND TABLE.
AT THIS STAGE, MR. NORRIS WAS FACED
WITH TWO MAJOR DIVERGENT THEORIES
CONCERNING HIS SURBITON ANCESTORS
DID THEY TAKE THE KINGSTON BYPASS
TURNING LEFT AT BARNES
OR DID THEY STRIKE WEST
UP THE A3O8 VIA NORBITON TO HAMPTON WICK?
BOTH THESE THEORIES RUN UP AGAINST ONE BIG OBSTACLE:
THE THAMES...
LYING LIKE A SILVER TURD BETWEEN RICHMOND AND ISLEWORTH.
THIS WAS A MAJOR SETBACK.
HOW COULD THEY POSSIBLY CROSS THE RIVER?
SEVERAL HOURS OF THOUGHT PRODUCED NOTHING.
THERE WAS ONLY ONE FLASK OF COFFEE LEFT
WHEN SUDDENLY MR. NORRIS SPOTTED SOMETHING.
COULD THIS HAVE BEEN THE METHOD USED?
HARDLY DARING TO BELIEVE
MR. NORRIS LED HIS EXPEDITION ON TO THE 3:47.
4O MINUTES LATER, VIA CLAPHAM
FULHAM, CHISWICKAND BRENTFORD, THEY APPROACHED THEIR GOAL:
HOUNSLOW.
WAS THIS THEN THE FINAL PROOF?
SOMETHING AROUSED THE ACCOUNTANT'S INSTINCT
VERY DEEP IN MR. NORRIS' MAKEUP.
THE JOURNEY WAS POSSIBLE, AND YET...
"WRONG-WAY" NORRIS HAD ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLED ON
A PIECE OF ANTHROPOLOGICAL HISTORY.
IT WAS THE INHABITANTS OF HOUNSLOW
WHO HAD MADE THE GREAT TREK SOUTH
TO THE SUNNIER PASTURES OF SURBITON
AND NOT VICE VERSA, AS HE HAD ORIGINALLY SURMISED.
THIS WAS THE SECRET OF SURBITON.
HAPPY AND CONTENTED, MR. NORRIS RETURNED
TO THE CALMER WATERS OF CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY
FOR, IN HIS WA Y, "WRONG-WAY" NORRIS WAS RIGHT.
AND NOW...
IT'S...
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
KNOCK, ENTER AND APPROACH.
RIGHT.
IT'S COME TO MY NOTICE THAT CERTAIN BOYS
HAVE BEEN RUNNING A UNIT-TRUST LINKED ASSURANCE SCHEME
WITH FRINGE BENEFITS AND FULL CASH-IN ENDOWMENT FACILITIES.
APPARENTLY, SMALL INVESTORS WERE ATTRACTED
BY THE WIDE-RANGING PORTFOLIO
AND THAT IN THE FIRST WEEK
THE LIMITED OFFER WAS OVERSUBSCRIBED EIGHT TIMES.
IT WAS TIDWELL'S IDEA, SIR.
SHUT UP, STEBBINS. I HAVEN'T FINISHED.
OH, BY THE WAY, CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING
THE ITALIAN GRAND PRIX AT MONZA.
THANK YOU, SIR.
SHUT UP.
NOW THEN, THIS SORT
OF EXTRACURRICULAR CAPITALIST EXPANSION
HAS GOT TO STOP.
I MADE IT QUITE CLEAR
WHEN POTTER TRIED TO GO PUBLIC LAST TERM
THAT THESE MASSIVE STOCK EXCHANGE DEALS
MUST NOT HAPPEN IN BIG SCHOOL.
IS THAT CLEAR, BALDERSTON?
YES, SIR.
OH, AND BALDERSTON, NEXT TIME YOU DO
A "PANORAMA" REPORT ON THE BLACK GHETTOS
YOU MUST GET AN EXEAT FORM FROM MR. DIBLEY.
SORRY, SIR.
SHUT UP, AND STOP SLOUCHING.
NOW, THE REASON I'VE CALLED YOU IN HERE TODAY
IS THAT MY WIFE IS HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH HER, UH...
WITH HER WATERWORKS, AND, UH...
I THINK SHE NEEDS A BIT OF ATTENTION.
NOW, WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE SURGEON?
COME ON, I KNOW ONE OF YOU IS.
NOW, WHICH ONE IS IT?
AH, TIDWELL.
GOOD. WELL, I WANT YOU TO CUT ALONG
HAVE A LOOK AT THE WIFE.
OH, SIR, WHY DON'T YOU ASK STEBBINS? HE'S A GYNECOLOGIST.
OH, YOU ROTTEN STINKER, TIDWELL!
SHH. IS THIS TRUE, STEBBINS?
ARE YOU A GYNECOLOGIST?
YES, SIR.
RIGHT. JUST THE MAN. HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE?
30 GUINEAS, SIR.
EXCELLENT. RIGHT. I WANT YOU
TO GO ALONG TO SEE THE WIFE.
GIVE HER A FULL EXAMINATION.
LET ME KNOW THE RESULTS BY THE END OF BREAK.
AND DON'T PICK YOUR NOSE!
HELLO.
WELL, LAST WEEK WE SHOWED YOU
HOW TO BECOME A GYNECOLOGIST
AND THIS WEEK ON HOW TO DO IT
WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO PLAY THE FLUTE
HOW TO SPLIT AN ATOM
HOW TO CONSTRUCT A BOX GIRDER BRIDGE
HOW TO IRRIGATE THE SAHARA DESERT
AND MAKE VAST NEW AREAS OF LAND CULTIVATABLE.
BUT, FIRST, HERE'S JACKIE TO TELL YOU ALL
HOW TO RID THE WORLD OF ALL KNOWN DISEASES.
HELLO, ALAN.
HELLO, JACKIE.
WELL, FIRST OF ALL, BECOME A DOCTOR
AND DISCOVER A MARVELOUS CURE FOR SOMETHING
AND THEN WHEN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION
REALLY STARTS TO TAKE NOTICE OF YOU
YOU CAN JOLLY WELL TELL THEM WHAT TO DO
AND MAKE SURE THEY GET EVERYTHING RIGHT
SO THERE'LL NEVER BE ANY DISEASES EVER AGAIN.
THANKS, JACKIE.
GREAT IDEA.
HOW TO PLAY THE FLUTE.
WELL, HERE WE ARE.
UM, YOU BLOW THERE
AND YOU MOVE YOUR FINGERS UP AND DOWN HERE.
GREAT... GREAT, ALAN.
WELL, NEXT WEEK WE'LL BE SHOWING YOU
HOW BLACK AND WHITE PEOPLE CAN LIVE TOGETHER
IN PEACE AND HARMONY
AND ALAN WILL BE OVER IN MOSCOW
SHOWING US HOW TO RECONCILE THE RUSSIANS AND THE CHINESE.
SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, CHEERIO.
BYE.
BYE-BYE.
OH, YES, HE'S SUCH A CLEVER LITTLE BOY
JUST LIKE HIS FATHER.
OH, DO YOU THINK SO, MRS. NIGGER-BAITER?
OH, YES.
SPITTING IMAGE.
MMM!
AFTERNOON, MOTHER.
AFTERNOON, MRS. NIGGER-BAITER.
OOH, HE'S WALKING ALREADY.
YES, HE'S SUCH A CLEVER LITTLE BOY.
COOCHY-COOCHY-COO!
HELLO, COOCHY-COO!
HELLO, COOCHY-COOCHY!
HELLO!
LOOK AT HIM
LAUGHING!
HE'S A CHIRPY LITTLE FELLOW, ISN'T HE?
ISN'T HE A CHIRPY LITTLE FELLOW, EH?
DOES HE TALK?
DOES HE TALK, EH?
OF COURSE I CAN TALK.
I'M MINISTER FOR OVERSEAS DEVELOPMENT.
OOH, HE'S A CLEVER LITTLE BOY!
HE'S A CLEVER LITTLE BOY!
DO YOU LIKE YOUR RATTLE, EH?
DO YOU LIKE YOUR RATTLE?
LOOK AT HIS EYES FOLLOWING IT, EH.
LOOK AT HIS IGGY-PIGGY-PIGGY LITTLE EYEBALLS.
OOH, HE'S GOT A TUBBY TUM-TUM.
OOH, HE'S GOT A TUBBY TUM-TUM!
MOTHER, COULD I HAVE A QUICK CUP OF TEA, PLEASE?
I HAVE AN IMPORTANT STATEMENT ON RHODESIA
TO MAKE IN THE COMMONS AT 6:00.
OH, MRS. NIGGER-BAITER'S EXPLODED!
GOOD THING, TOO.
SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND.
OH, MOTHER, DON'T BE SO SENTIMENTAL.
THINGS EXPLODE EVERY DAY.
YES, I SUPPOSE SO.
ANYWAY, I DIDN'T REALLY LIKE HER THAT MUCH.
OOH.
HELLO. I'M YOUR NEW VICAR.
CAN I INTEREST YOU IN ANY ENCYCLOPEDIAS?
OH, NO. THANK YOU.
WE'RE NOT CHURCH PEOPLE. THANK YOU.
HOW ABOUT BRUSHES? NYLON OR BRISTLE?
STRONG-TUFTED, ATTRACTIVE COLORS.
NO. REALLY, THANK YOU, VICAR.
OH, DEAR. TURKEY? CUP FINAL TICKETS?
NO, NO. REALLY, WE'RE JUST NOT RELIGIOUS.
THANK YOU.
OH, WELL. BYE-BYE.
BYE-BYE, VICAR.
REMEMBER, IF YOU DO WANT ANYTHING:
JEWELRY, ASCOT, WATER HEATERS...
THANK YOU, VICAR.
IT'S FUNNY, ISN'T IT, HOW...
HOW YOUR BEST FRIEND CAN JUST BLOW UP LIKE THAT?
YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT WAS MEDICALLY POSSIBLE, WOULD YOU?
THIS IS WHERE MRS. SHAZAM WAS SO WRONG.
EXPLODING IS A PERFECTLY NORMAL MEDICAL PHENOMENON.
IN MANY FIELDS OF MEDICINE NOWADAYS
A DOSE OF DYNAMITE CAN DO A WORLD OF GOOD.
FOR INSTANCE, ATHLETE'S FOOT... AN IRRITATING CONDITION...
CAN BE CURED BY APPLYING A SMALL CHARGE OF TNT
BETWEEN EACH TOE...
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO. I'M YOUR NEW VICAR.
CAN I INTEREST YOU
IN ANY OF THESE WATCHES, PENS OR BIROS?
NO. I'M NOT RELIGIOUS, I'M AFRAID.
OH. SOUVENIRS, BADGES
LITTLE NODDY DOG FOR THE BACK OF THE CAR?
NO. THANK YOU, VICAR.
GOOD MORNING.
NOW, MANY OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION
ARE SKEPTICAL ABOUT MY WORK.
THEY POINT TO MY RECORD
OF TREATMENT OF ATHLETE'S FOOT SUFFERERS:
84 DEAD, 65 SEVERELY WOUNDED AND 12 MISSING, BELIEVED CURED.
BUT THEN, PEOPLE LAUGHED AT BOB HOPE.
THEY LAUGHED AT MY WIFE
WHEN SHE WRAPPED HERSELF UP IN GREASE-PROOF PAPER
AND HOPPED INTO THE SOCIAL SECURITY OFFICE.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT PASTEUR WAS WRONG.
LOOK, I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN.
WATCH IT, MATE.
I'M NOT GOING TO STAND AROUND HERE
GETTING POKED AND PRODDED ALL DAY.
I'M OFF.
I'VE GOT A DECENT BODY.
ALL I GET IS POKED AND PRODDED IN THE CHEST.
WELL, I'M OFF. I'M GOING TO GET ANOTHER LINE OF WORK.
WATCH IT!
DON'T GO ANY FURTHER!
TURN BACK!
STOP! STOP! PLEASE! OH, STOP!
OH, MY GOD!
HE'S FALLEN OFF THE EDGE OF THE CARTOON!
WELL, SO MUCH FOR THAT LINK.
JOHN COBBLEY IS THE MUSICAL AND ARTISTIC DIRECTOR
OF COVENT GARDEN.
HE IS HIMSELF A TALENTED MUSICIAN
HE'S A WORLD-FAMOUS AUTHORITY ON 19th CENTURY RUSSIAN MUSIC
AND HE'S COME INTO THE STUDIO TONIGHT
TO TALK ABOUT TSCHAIKOWSKY...
WHICH IS A BIT OF A PITY
AS THIS IS FARMING CLUB.
AND ON FARMING CLUB TONIGHT
WE'LL BE TAKING A LOOK
AT THE MINISTRY'S LATEST PREVENTATIVE PROPOSALS
TO DEAL WITH POSSIBLE OUTBREAKS OF FOOT-AND-MOUTH.
WE'LL BE TALKING LATER ON
TO THE MAN WHO BELIEVES THAT MILK YIELDS
CAN BE INCREASED DRAMATICALLY
BUT FIRST, A FARMING CLUB SPECIAL:
"THE LIFE OF TSCHAIKOWSKY."
TSCHAIKOWSKY... WAS HE THE TORTURED SOUL
WHO POURED OUT HIS IMMORTAL LONGINGS
INTO DIGNIFIED PASSAGES OF STATELY MUSIC
OR WAS HE JUST AN OLD POOF WHO WROTE TUNES?
TONIGHT, ON FARMING CLUB
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE AN INTIMATE LOOK AT TSCHAIKOWSKY
AND AN INTIMATE LOOK AT HIS FRIENDS.
INCIDENTALLY, BBC PUBLICATIONS
HAVE PREPARED A SPECIAL PAMPHLET
TO GO WITH THIS PROGRAM CALLED HELLO, PIANIST
AND IT CONTAINS MATERIAL
WHICH SOME PEOPLE MIGHT FIND OFFENSIVE
BUT WHICH IS REALLY SMASHING.
PETER ILYTCH TSCHAIKOWSKY WAS BORN IN 1840
IN A KEN RUSSELL FILM JUST OUTSIDE ST. PETERSBURG.
HIS FATHER LEO McKERN... A FREELANCE BISHOP...
WAS MARRIED TO VERA PLACHENKA... JULIE CHRISTIE...
BUT SECRETLY DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH MARGO FARENKA...
SHIRLEY ABICAIR...
AND THE STRANGELY FLATULENT MADAME RANEVSKY...
NORRIS McWHIRTER.
SOON, HOWEVER, THE FAMILY...
ELDRIDGE CLEAVER, MOIRA LISTER AND STAN THE BAT...
MOVED TO THE NEIGHBORING INDUSTRIAL VILLAGE OF OMSK...
EDDIE WARING...
WHERE THEY SOON FOUND THEMSELVES, SADLY
QUITE UNABLE TO COPE... ANTHONY BARBER.
IN 1863, HOWEVER, TSCHAIKOWSKY
WAS SENT TO MOSCOW TO STUDY THE PIANO
AND WHEN HE'D FINISHED THAT
THE LIVING ROOM.
MAURICE TAKES UP THE STORY.
WELL, GUESS WHAT?
THE VERY NEXT THING HE DID
WAS TO GO TO THIS EXTRAORDINARY, BUT EXTRAORDINARY DUCKETY-POOS
SEMl-MONDRIAN HOUSE IN ROBIN, RUSSIA.
HARRY HERE TAMMY TSCHAIKOWSKY
WROTE SOME OF THE MOST SAMMY SUPER SYMPHONIES
YOU'VE EVER HENRY HEARD IN THE WHOLE OF YOUR LILY LIFE.
SHE WAS SUCH A GOOD COMPOSER
THAT EVERYBODY, BUT EVERYBODY, WANTED TO KNOW
AND QUITE RIGHT, TOO
'CAUSE SHE WROTE SOME LOVELY BITS
SUCH AS "SALLY SLEEPING BEAUTY," "PATSY PATHETIQUE"
"ADRIAN 1812," AND LOTS OF CONNIE CONCERTI
FOR VERA VIOLIN AND PETER PIANO FANNY FORTE.
BUT WHAT DO WE REALLY KNOW OF THIS TORTURED PONCE?
WELL, IF YOU CAN IMAGINE THE SIZE OF NELSON'S COLUMN
WHICH IS ROUGHLY THREE TIMES THE SIZE OF A LONDON BUS
THEN TSCHAIKOWSKY WAS MUCH SMALLER.
HIS HEAD WAS ABOUT THE SAME SIZE
AS THAT OF AN EXTREMELY LARGE DOG...
THAT IS TO SAY, TWO VERY SMALL DOGS
OR FOUR VERY LARGE HAMSTERS, OR ONE MEDIUM-SIZED RABBIT
IF YOU COUNT THE WHOLE OF THE BODY
AND NOT JUST THE HEAD.
UH, ROBIN?
UH, THANK YOU.
WELL, HERE'S A THREE-STAGE MODEL OF TSCHAIKOWSKY.
HERE YOU SEE THE LEGS, USED FOR WALKING AROUND
AND WHICH CAN BE JETTISONED AT NIGHT
AND, UM, THIS IS THE MAIN TRUNK...
THE POWERHOUSE OF THE WHOLE THING...
INCORPORATING, OF COURSE, THE NAUGHTY BITS
WHICH WERE EXTREMELY NAUGHTY FOR HIS TIME
AND THE WHOLE THING IS SUBSERVIENT
THE, AS IT WERE, HEAD OF THE WHOLE, AS IT WERE, BODY.
ROBIN?
PETER?
SIMON.
MAURICE.
ME.
WELL...
POOR PET, SHE WAS LIKE A LOST LAMB IN AN ABATTOIR.
EVENTUALLY, SHE DICKIE DIED OF COLIN CHOLERA
IN ST. PATSY PETERSBURG, IN GERTIE GREAT PERCY PAIN.
HERE TO PLAY TSCHAIKOWSKY'S
FIRST PIANO CONCERTO IN B-FLAT MINOR
IS THE WORLD-FAMOUS SOLOIST SVIATOSLA V RICHTER.
DURING THE PERFORMANCE
HE WILL ESCAPE FROM A SACK, THREE PADLOCKS
AND A PAIR OF HANDCUFFS.
GOOD EVENING.
THIS NEW SERIES OF TRIM-JEANS THEATRE PRESENTS
WILL ENABLE YOU TO EN JOY THE POETRY OF T.S. ELIOT
WHILST LOSING UNSIGHTLY TUMMY BULGE.
JEAN.
WELL, YES, AND THE INCHES STAY OFF. MARK?
TERRIFIC. THRILL TO THOMAS A BECKET'S
KIERKEGAARDIAN MOMENT OF CHOICE
WHILST MAKING YOUR PHYSIQUE TIGHTER, FIRMER, NEATER.
I AM HERE!
NO TRAITOR TO THE KING.
ABSOLVE ALL THOSE
YOU HAVE EXCOMMUNICATED.
RESIGN THOSE POWERS
YOU HAVE ABROGATED.
RENEW THE OBEDIENCE
YOU HAVE VIOLATED.
LOSE INCHES
OFF YOUR HIPS, THIGHS
BUTTOCKS AND ABDOMEN.
A TERRIFIC PRODUCT.
TERRIFIC!
AND THIS COMES COMPLETE
WITH THE MOST REVOLUTIONARY GUARANTEE
IN SLENDERIZING HISTORY.
THIS WAS KEVIN FRANCIS BEFORE LAST SEASON'S
TRIM-JEANS' PLAY OF THE MONTH PRODUCTION
OF THE SEAGULL BYANTON CHEKHOV
AND THE SAUNA BELT TRIM-JEAN COMPANY, LIMITED.
SEE? KEVIN HAS SLIPPED INTO HIS SLENDERIZING GARMENT
AND IS INFLATING IT WITH THE HANDY LITTLE PUMP PROVIDED.
THREE ACTS AND A FEW SPECIAL TORSO EXERCISES LATER
KEVIN... AS TRIGORIN
THE FAILED WRITER OF SENTIMENTAL ROMANCES...
HAS LOST OVER 33 INCHES.
WOW! WHAT A DIFFERENCE.
THAT ANTON CHEKHOV CAN CERTAINLY WRITE.
TERRIFIC.
YES, WHY NOT JOIN US
FOR A SEASON OF CLASSIC PLAYS
AND RAPID SLENDERIZING.
EN JOY SIR JOHN GIELGUD AND SIR RALPH RICHARDSON
LOSING A TOTAL OF 15 INCHES IN DAVID STOREY'S HOME.
EN JOY THE TRIM GENTLEMEN OF VERONA
AND LONG DA Y'S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT
WHILE INCHES MELT AWAY.
EN JOY GLENDA JACKSON WITH A CONSTANT SNUG FIT
AND SOLID SUPPORT IN ALL FOUR AREAS.
OTHER PRODUCTIONS WILL INCLUDE:
TREASURE ISLAND
SWAN LAKE
THE LIFE AND LOVES OF TOULOUSE-LAUTREC
AND THE TRIM- JEANS' VERSION
OF THE GREAT ESCAPE
WITH A CAST OF THOUSANDS
LOSING WELL OVER 1,500 INCHES.
WAS IST DAS?!
ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG!
HALT! HALT!
HALT!
WASN'T THAT TERRIFIC, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?
REALLY GREAT.
NOW, THE NEXT ITEM ON THE PROGRAM IS...
I CAN'T STAND IT, MAN. REALLY NOT.
I'VE HAD IT WITH THIS IDIOT
EVERY NIGHT MAKING ME SAY THE MOST INANE...
REALLY TERRIFIC ACT.
NOW, THE NEXT ITEM ON...
I'M OFF. GONE.
I CAN EXPRESS MYSELF...
IF HE FEELS THE SAME WAY I FEEL, MAN...
WELCOME ABOARD, BRITISHER PIG.
QUITE A LITTLE SURPRISE, JA?
BUT PERHAPS YOU WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO TELL US ALL YOU KNOW
ABOUT CERTAIN ALLIED SHIPPING ROUTES, JA?
COME ON, TALK!
HELLO, FRITZ.
THE TABLES SEEM TO HAVE TURNED, OLD CHAP.
LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE A BIT OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE, EH?
COME ON, FRITZ, NOW TELL US... TELL US ABOUT...
AH, GLEETINGS, CAPITALIST DOG.
VERY SORRY, BUT MUST INFORM YOU
THAT YOU ARE NOW PRISONER OF PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC.
I'M VERY SORRY, COMRADE COMMANDO
BUT I HAVE JUST PICKED UP
A CAPITALIST SHIP ON RADAR SCANNER.
This is your captain speaking.
There is no need for panic.
Women and children first.
DO NOT RUSH FOR THE LIFEBOATS
WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST.
AND INDIANS.
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GET DRESSED UP LIKE THAT?
IT WAS THE ONLY THING LEFT.
WOMEN, CHILDREN AND RED INDIANS.
AND SPACEMEN.
WOMEN, CHILDREN, RED INDIANS AND SPACEMEN.
WHAT'S THAT MEANT TO BE?
WELL, IT'S A SORT OF IMPRESSION
OF WHAT A KIND OF RENAISSANCE COURTIER ARTIST
MIGHT HAVE LOOKED LIKE AT THE COURTS
OF ONE OF THE GREAT FAMILIES
LIKE THE MEDICIS OR THE BORGIAS.
NO, IT'S NOT.
IT'S MORE FLEMISH THAN ITALIAN.
YES. THAT'S A FLEMISH MERCHANT
OF THE 15th OR 16th CENTURIES.
WHAT? WITH THESE TASSELS?
YES, YES.
THEY HAD THOSE FITTED DOUBLETS GOING...
TAPERING DOWN INTO THE FULL HOSE, YOU KNOW.
EXACTLY LIKE THAT.
ONE MOMENT, PLEASE. DON'T PANIC.
NOW, WHAT'S IT MEANT TO BE?
I'VE GOT TO TELL THEM SOMETHING.
IS IT A FLEMISH MERCHANT?
NO, IT IS NOT A FLEMISH MERCHANT.
IT'S MORE A SORT OF IDEALIZED VERSION
OF THE COMPLETE RENAISSANCE MAN.
OH, ALL RIGHT. NO, IT'S NOT.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING.
DO NOT RUSH FOR THE LIFEBOATS.
WOMEN, CHILDREN, RED INDIANS
spacemen and sort of idealized versions
of the complete Renaissance man first.
FLEMISH MERCHANTS DID NOT WEAR
HAND-EMBROIDERED CHEVRONS!
THEY DID NOT!
YES, GOMEZ?
"WE FOUND THEM WALKING ON THE BEACH, MY CAPTAIN."
GOMEZ, WHY CAN'T YOU SAY THIS?
WHAT? OH, I SEE.
WE CAN'T AFFORD IT. AH!
YOU SEE, THE BBC HAS TO PAY AN ACTOR 20 GUINEAS IF HE SPEAKS
AND IT MAKES A BIT OF A HOLE IN THE BUDGET.
28 GUINEAS, SIR. OH, SORRY!
YOU FOOL, GOMEZ!
THAT'S 28 GUINEAS.
WHAT ABOUT ME, SIR?
ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SPEAK? NO, SIR.
WELL, YOU'VE JUST SPOKEN! OH, SORRY, SIR.
YOU FOOL, THAT'S 56 GUINEAS BEFORE WE'VE EVEN STARTED!
YES?
WHAT DID HE DO THAT FOR?
IT'S A STUNT, SIR... AN EXTRA 20 GUINEAS.
LOOK, WE CAN'T AFFORD IT!
THE BBC IS SHORT OF MONEY AS IT IS.
THE BBC WISHES TO DENY RUMORS
THAT IT IS GOING INTO LIQUIDATION.
MRS. KELLY, WHO OWNS THE FLAT WHERE THEY LIVE
HAS SAID THAT THEY CAN STAY ON TILL THE END OF THE MONTH...
AND WE'VE JUST HEARD THAT HUW WELDON'S WATCH
HAS BEEN ACCEPTED BY THE LONDON ELECTRICITY BOARD
AND TRANSMISSIONS FOR THIS EVENING
CAN BE CONTINUED AS PLANNED.
WELL, THAT'S ALL FROM ME, SO... GOOD NIGHT.
ARE YOU GOING TO BE IN THERE ALL NIGHT?
IT'S JUST A BULLETIN, MR. KELLY.
AND NOW, BACK TO THE STORY.
COMMENCE!
ALL RIGHT!
WE FOUND THESE MEN WALKING ON THE BEACH, MY CAPITAN.
WE'RE BRITISH NAVAL OFFICERS
AND ENTITLED TO BE...
IT'S PUSS!
HELLO, PUSS.
HELLO, CHILDREN.
STOP! STOP THIS ADAPTATION OF PUSS-IN-BOOTS!
THIS IS THE POLICE DEPARTMENT OF THE STATE OF VENEZUELA.
OH, NO, IT ISN'T.
OH, YES, IT IS!
OH, NO, IT ISN'T!
OH, YES, IT IS!
OH, NO, IT ISN'T!
SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
NOW, I'M GOING TO ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS
AND REMEMBER, IF YOU DO NOT GIVE ME CORRECT ANSWERS
WE HAVE WAYS OF MAKING YOU ANSWER.
LIKE NOT PAYING 28 GUINEAS.
SHUT UP!
NOW, WHAT SHIP ARE YOU FROM?
WE ARE FROM THE SS MOTHER GOOSE.
WE WERE 12 DAYS OUT FROM PORT OF SPAIN AND I...
I GOT 30 BOB FOR THE TROUSERS!
WE ARE FROM THE SS MOTHER GOOSE.
WE WERE 12 DAYS OUT FROM PORT OF SPAIN
AND ONE NIGHT, I WAS DOING MY USUAL ROUNDS
WHEN I HAD OCCASION
TO PASS THE FORWARD STORAGE LOCKERS...
GO ON.
OH, UM...
WELL, I-I NOTICED SOMETHING UNUSUAL.
THE MAIN BILGE HATCHES HAD BEEN OPENED
AND THERE, CROUCHING AMIDST THE SCUPPERS
WAS THE MOST GHASTLY CREATURE
I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
AS SOON AS IT SAW ME
ITS HORRIBLE FACE SPLIT ASIDE
IN A GHASTLY LOOK OF TERROR.
ITS HEAD, WHICH WAS LIKE...
COULD YOU SIGN THIS, PLEASE?
A SMALL, A SMALL RAT.
IT WAS GHASTLY AND HORRIBLE AND BEFURRED.
ITS LITTLE RED EYES GLINTED
IN THE UNACCUSTOMED GLARE OF THE MIDDAY SUN
AND BEFORE I COULD SHUT THE HATCH
IT SPRANG UPON ME WITH ONE ALMIGHTY...
WHAT THIS ABOUT DOING
HORSE OF THE YEAR SHOW IN HERE TONIGHT?
I'M SORRY, MRS. KELLY.
WE DON'T KNOW, I'M AFRAID.
THIS IS DRAMA.
MR. FOX TOLD ME BEFORE HE WENT DOWN TO THE PUB
THAT THEY'RE DOING HORSE OF THE YEAR SHOW
IN HERE TONIGHT AT 9:10.
THIS IS BBC TWO.
I THINK BBC ONE ARE IN THE KITCHEN.
WELL, I'M NOT HAVING HARVEY SMITH
JUMPING OVER MY BINETTE.
NO. COME ON!
...TEARING AT MY THROAT, RIPPING MY CLOTHES...
AND TURN THE GAS OFF BEFORE YOU LEAVE!
ALL RIGHT!
I FOUGHT IT WITH ALL MY STRENGTH
BUT IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR ME.
ITS SUPERNATURAL POWERS...
Another clear round
for Harvey Smith on O'Malley.
And now it's Mrs. David Barker riding Atalanta, number three.
RIGHT! THAT'S IT.
COME ON, OUT, OUT, ALL OF YOU!
GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN! COME ON!
HARVEY SMITH...
GET OUT OF THERE!
IT'S ONE OF OUR MOST POPULAR PROGRAMS.
THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK, MR. FOX.
WELL, THAT'S ALL FROM BBC TELEVISION FOR THIS EVENING.
COME ON! GET OUT! OUT!
GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!
OUT! OUT!
GET OUT!
TONIGHT, FROM LONDON
YOUR SPECIAL GUESTS ARE
LULU...
RINGO STARR...
AND THE MAN YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR...
YOUR HOST FOR TONIGHT...
LOVE THE OUTFIT, DEAR.
IT'S GORGEOUS.
HELLO. GOOD EVENING. WELCOME.
IT'S...
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll