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Narrator 1:
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WHO, A YEAR AGO, HAD
HEARD OF MR. AND MRS. BRIAN NORRIS
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OF 37 GLEDHILL GARDENS,
PARSONS GREEN?
4
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AND YET, THEIR EPIC JOURNEY
IN EBW343 HAS SET THEM
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ALONGSIDE THOR HEYERDAHL
AND SIR EDMUND HILLARY.
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STARTING ONLY WITH A THEORY,
MR. NORRIS SET OUT TO PROVE
7
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THAT THE INHABITANTS
OF HOUNSLOW
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COULD HAVE BEEN DESCENDANTS
OF THE PEOPLE OF SURBITON
9
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WHO HAD MADE
THE GREAT TREK NORTH.
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NO NEWCOMER TO THIS FIELD
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MR. NORRIS' A SHORT HISTORY
OF MOTOR TRAFFIC
12
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BETWEEN PURLEY AND ESHER
13
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HAD BECOME A MINOR CLASSIC
IN THE CAR-SWAPPING BELT.
14
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BUT WHY WOULD THE PEOPLE
OF SURBITON GO TO HOUNSLOW?
15
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MR. NORRIS HAD NOTICED
THREE THINGS:
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FIRSTLY,
THE SIMILARITY OF HOUSES;
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SECONDLY, THE SIMILARITY
OF COSTUME
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BETWEEN HOUNSLOWAND SURBITON;
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AND THIRDLY,
THE SIMILARITY OF SPEECH.
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ARE YOU STILL RUNNING
THE G.D.B.D.M.D.B?
21
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AH, YES, BUT I'VE HAD
THE EXCESS NIPPLES WOPPLED
22
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TO REMOVE TAMPING.
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JOLLY GOOD.
24
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WERE THESE JUST COINCIDENCES
25
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OR WERE THEY,
AS MR. NORRIS BELIEVED
26
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PART OF AN IDENTICAL
CULTURAL BACKGROUND?
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ONE FURTHER DISCOVERY
CONVINCED HIM:
28
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THE LAWNMOWER.
29
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SURELY SUCH A SOPHISTICATED
HOUSEHOLD GADGET
30
00:01:37,730 --> 00:01:40,597
COULD NOT HAVE
BEEN GENERATED INDEPENDENTLY
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IN TWO SEPARATE AREAS.
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MR. NORRIS WAS CONVINCED.
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I'M CONVINCED.
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BUT HOW TO PROVE IT?
35
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BUT HOW TO PROVE IT?
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THERE WAS ONLY ONE WA Y
TO SEE IF THE JOURNEY
37
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BETWEEN SURBITON AND HOUNSLOW
WAS POSSIBLE
38
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AND THAT WAS
TO TRY AND MAKE IT.
39
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MONTHS OF PREPARATION FOLLOWED
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WHILE MR. NORRIS
CONTINUED HIS RESEARCH
41
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IN THE PUTNEY PUBLIC LIBRARY
42
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AND MRS. NORRIS
MADE SANDWICHES.
43
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FINALLY, BY APRIL
44
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THEY WERE READY.
45
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ON THE 23rd,
MR. AND MRS. NORRIS SET OUT
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FROM ABIDE-A-WEE TO MOTOR
THE 15 MILES TO SURBITON
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WATCHED BYA CROWD
OF LOCAL WELL-WISHERS.
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THAT EVENING,
THEY DINED AT TOOTING.
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THIS WOULD BE THE LAST
THEY'D SEE OF CIVILIZATION.
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MR. NORRIS' DIARY
FOR THE 23rd REVEALS
51
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THE EXTRAORDINARY CALMNESS
52
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AND DEEP INNER PEACEFULNESS
OF HIS MIND.
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7:30... FED CAT.
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8:00... BREAKFAST.
55
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8:3O... YES,.
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9:00... SET OUT
ON HISTORIC JOURNEY.
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ON THE MORNING OF THE
24th, EARLY TO A VOID THE TRAFFIC
58
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MR. NORRIS' HISTORIC EXPEDITION
SET OUT FROM SURBITON...
59
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DESTINATION HOUNSLOW.
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00:02:50,336 --> 00:02:53,669
EARLY ON, THEY BEGAN
TO PERCEIVE ENCOURAGING SIGNS.
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THE WRITING ON THE SIGN
WAS ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME
62
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AS THE WRITING
IN THE A.A. BOOK.
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THEY WERE ON THE RIGHT ROUTE.
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DURING THE LONG HOURS
OF THE VOYAGE
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MR. NORRIS' WIFE BETTY
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KEPT A COMPLETE
PHOTOGRAPHIC RECORD
67
00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:08,948
AND MADE SANDWICHES.
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THIS IS SOME
OF THE UNIQUE FOOTAGE
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WHICH MRS. NORRIS GOT BACK
FROM THE CHEMIST'S.
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MILE SUCCEEDED MILE
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AND THE TERRIFIC STRAIN
WAS BEGINNING TO TELL
72
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WHEN SUDDENLY...
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BY AN AMAZING STROKE OF LUCK
74
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MR. NORRIS HAD COME
ACROSS THE KINGSTON BYPASS.
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THIS WAS SOMETHING
TO TELL THE ROUND TABLE.
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AT THIS STAGE,
MR. NORRIS WAS FACED
77
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WITH TWO MAJOR
DIVERGENT THEORIES
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CONCERNING
HIS SURBITON ANCESTORS
79
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DID THEY TAKE
THE KINGSTON BYPASS
80
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TURNING LEFT AT BARNES
81
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OR DID THEY STRIKE WEST
82
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UP THE A3O8 VIA NORBITON
TO HAMPTON WICK?
83
00:03:41,621 --> 00:03:45,352
BOTH THESE THEORIES RUN UP
AGAINST ONE BIG OBSTACLE:
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THE THAMES...
85
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LYING LIKE A SILVER TURD
BETWEEN RICHMOND AND ISLEWORTH.
86
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THIS WAS A MAJOR SETBACK.
87
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HOW COULD THEY POSSIBLY
CROSS THE RIVER?
88
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SEVERAL HOURS OF THOUGHT
PRODUCED NOTHING.
89
00:03:58,104 --> 00:04:00,664
THERE WAS ONLY ONE FLASK
OF COFFEE LEFT
90
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WHEN SUDDENLY
MR. NORRIS SPOTTED SOMETHING.
91
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COULD THIS
HAVE BEEN THE METHOD USED?
92
00:04:07,313 --> 00:04:08,940
HARDLY DARING TO BELIEVE
93
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MR. NORRIS LED HIS EXPEDITION
ON TO THE 3:47.
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00:04:12,051 --> 00:04:14,042
4O MINUTES LATER, VIA CLAPHAM
95
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:17,523
FULHAM, CHISWICKAND BRENTFORD,
THEY APPROACHED THEIR GOAL:
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HOUNSLOW.
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WAS THIS THEN THE FINAL PROOF?
98
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SOMETHING AROUSED
THE ACCOUNTANT'S INSTINCT
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VERY DEEP
IN MR. NORRIS' MAKEUP.
100
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THE JOURNEY WAS POSSIBLE,
AND YET...
101
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"WRONG-WAY" NORRIS HAD
ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLED ON
102
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A PIECE
OF ANTHROPOLOGICAL HISTORY.
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IT WAS THE INHABITANTS
OF HOUNSLOW
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WHO HAD MADE
THE GREAT TREK SOUTH
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TO THE SUNNIER PASTURES
OF SURBITON
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AND NOT VICE VERSA,
AS HE HAD ORIGINALLY SURMISED.
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THIS WAS
THE SECRET OF SURBITON.
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HAPPY AND CONTENTED,
MR. NORRIS RETURNED
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TO THE CALMER WATERS
OF CHARTERED ACCOUNTANCY
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FOR, IN HIS WA Y,
"WRONG-WAY" NORRIS WAS RIGHT.
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AND NOW...
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IT'S...
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MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
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Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
115
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KNOCK, ENTER AND APPROACH.
116
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RIGHT.
117
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IT'S COME TO MY NOTICE
THAT CERTAIN BOYS
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HAVE BEEN RUNNING A UNIT-TRUST
LINKED ASSURANCE SCHEME
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WITH FRINGE BENEFITS AND FULL
CASH-IN ENDOWMENT FACILITIES.
120
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APPARENTLY,
SMALL INVESTORS WERE ATTRACTED
121
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BY THE WIDE-RANGING PORTFOLIO
122
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AND THAT IN THE FIRST WEEK
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THE LIMITED OFFER
WAS OVERSUBSCRIBED EIGHT TIMES.
124
00:06:02,795 --> 00:06:04,695
IT WAS
TIDWELL'S IDEA, SIR.
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00:06:04,731 --> 00:06:06,289
SHUT UP, STEBBINS.
I HAVEN'T FINISHED.
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OH, BY THE WAY,
CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING
127
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THE ITALIAN
GRAND PRIX AT MONZA.
128
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THANK YOU, SIR.
129
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SHUT UP.
130
00:06:11,738 --> 00:06:12,830
NOW THEN, THIS SORT
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OF EXTRACURRICULAR
CAPITALIST EXPANSION
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HAS GOT TO STOP.
133
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I MADE IT QUITE CLEAR
134
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WHEN POTTER TRIED
TO GO PUBLIC LAST TERM
135
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THAT THESE MASSIVE
STOCK EXCHANGE DEALS
136
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MUST NOT HAPPEN
IN BIG SCHOOL.
137
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IS THAT CLEAR,
BALDERSTON?
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YES, SIR.
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00:06:25,685 --> 00:06:27,585
OH, AND BALDERSTON,
NEXT TIME YOU DO
140
00:06:27,620 --> 00:06:29,611
A "PANORAMA" REPORT
ON THE BLACK GHETTOS
141
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YOU MUST GET AN EXEAT FORM
FROM MR. DIBLEY.
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SORRY, SIR.
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SHUT UP,
AND STOP SLOUCHING.
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NOW, THE REASON
I'VE CALLED YOU IN HERE TODAY
145
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:40,597
IS THAT MY WIFE IS HAVING
A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH HER, UH...
146
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WITH HER WATERWORKS,
AND, UH...
147
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I THINK SHE NEEDS
A BIT OF ATTENTION.
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NOW, WHICH ONE OF YOU
IS THE SURGEON?
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COME ON, I KNOW
ONE OF YOU IS.
150
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NOW, WHICH ONE IS IT?
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AH, TIDWELL.
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GOOD. WELL,
I WANT YOU TO CUT ALONG
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00:06:53,646 --> 00:06:55,136
HAVE A LOOK AT THE WIFE.
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OH, SIR, WHY DON'T YOU ASK
STEBBINS? HE'S A GYNECOLOGIST.
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OH, YOU ROTTEN STINKER,
TIDWELL!
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SHH. IS THIS TRUE, STEBBINS?
157
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ARE YOU A GYNECOLOGIST?
158
00:07:02,522 --> 00:07:03,819
YES, SIR.
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00:07:03,856 --> 00:07:06,654
RIGHT. JUST THE MAN.
HOW MUCH DO YOU CHARGE?
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00:07:06,692 --> 00:07:07,716
30 GUINEAS, SIR.
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00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,091
EXCELLENT. RIGHT. I WANT YOU
162
00:07:09,128 --> 00:07:10,493
TO GO ALONG TO SEE THE WIFE.
163
00:07:10,530 --> 00:07:11,895
GIVE HER A FULL EXAMINATION.
164
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LET ME KNOW THE RESULTS
BY THE END OF BREAK.
165
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AND DON'T
PICK YOUR NOSE!
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HELLO.
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00:07:23,743 --> 00:07:24,937
HELLO.
168
00:07:25,044 --> 00:07:27,171
WELL, LAST WEEK
WE SHOWED YOU
169
00:07:27,213 --> 00:07:29,272
HOW TO BECOME
A GYNECOLOGIST
170
00:07:29,315 --> 00:07:31,442
AND THIS WEEK
ON HOW TO DO IT
171
00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:34,851
WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU
HOW TO PLAY THE FLUTE
172
00:07:34,887 --> 00:07:36,252
HOW TO SPLIT AN ATOM
173
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:39,122
HOW TO CONSTRUCT
A BOX GIRDER BRIDGE
174
00:07:39,158 --> 00:07:41,592
HOW TO IRRIGATE
THE SAHARA DESERT
175
00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:45,063
AND MAKE VAST NEW AREAS
OF LAND CULTIVATABLE.
176
00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:47,588
BUT, FIRST, HERE'S
JACKIE TO TELL YOU ALL
177
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:50,363
HOW TO RID THE WORLD
OF ALL KNOWN DISEASES.
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00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:51,700
HELLO, ALAN.
179
00:07:51,737 --> 00:07:52,965
HELLO, JACKIE.
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00:07:53,072 --> 00:07:54,801
WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
BECOME A DOCTOR
181
00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:57,173
AND DISCOVER A MARVELOUS
CURE FOR SOMETHING
182
00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:59,075
AND THEN WHEN
THE MEDICAL PROFESSION
183
00:07:59,111 --> 00:08:00,908
REALLY STARTS
TO TAKE NOTICE OF YOU
184
00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:02,938
YOU CAN JOLLY WELL
TELL THEM WHAT TO DO
185
00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:04,973
AND MAKE SURE
THEY GET EVERYTHING RIGHT
186
00:08:05,084 --> 00:08:07,450
SO THERE'LL NEVER BE
ANY DISEASES EVER AGAIN.
187
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:08,545
THANKS, JACKIE.
188
00:08:08,588 --> 00:08:09,885
GREAT IDEA.
189
00:08:09,922 --> 00:08:11,446
HOW TO PLAY THE FLUTE.
190
00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:12,753
WELL, HERE WE ARE.
191
00:08:12,792 --> 00:08:13,986
UM, YOU BLOW THERE
192
00:08:14,093 --> 00:08:16,994
AND YOU MOVE YOUR FINGERS
UP AND DOWN HERE.
193
00:08:17,063 --> 00:08:18,394
GREAT... GREAT, ALAN.
194
00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:20,729
WELL, NEXT WEEK
WE'LL BE SHOWING YOU
195
00:08:20,766 --> 00:08:23,599
HOW BLACK AND WHITE PEOPLE
CAN LIVE TOGETHER
196
00:08:23,636 --> 00:08:24,898
IN PEACE AND HARMONY
197
00:08:24,937 --> 00:08:26,962
AND ALAN WILL BE OVER IN MOSCOW
198
00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:30,703
SHOWING US HOW TO RECONCILE
THE RUSSIANS AND THE CHINESE.
199
00:08:30,743 --> 00:08:32,643
SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, CHEERIO.
200
00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:33,804
BYE.
201
00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:34,835
BYE.
202
00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:35,870
BYE-BYE.
203
00:08:41,420 --> 00:08:43,547
OH, YES, HE'S SUCH
A CLEVER LITTLE BOY
204
00:08:43,589 --> 00:08:44,783
JUST LIKE HIS FATHER.
205
00:08:44,824 --> 00:08:47,019
OH, DO YOU THINK SO,
MRS. NIGGER-BAITER?
206
00:08:47,126 --> 00:08:48,024
OH, YES.
207
00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:50,152
SPITTING IMAGE.
208
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:51,163
MMM!
209
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:52,164
AFTERNOON, MOTHER.
210
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,825
AFTERNOON,
MRS. NIGGER-BAITER.
211
00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:55,390
OOH, HE'S
WALKING ALREADY.
212
00:08:55,434 --> 00:08:57,629
YES, HE'S SUCH
A CLEVER LITTLE BOY.
213
00:08:57,670 --> 00:08:58,796
COOCHY-COOCHY-COO!
214
00:08:58,838 --> 00:08:59,998
HELLO, COOCHY-COO!
215
00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:01,336
HELLO, COOCHY-COOCHY!
216
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:02,341
HELLO!
217
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,342
LOOK AT HIM
218
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:05,207
LAUGHING!
219
00:09:05,244 --> 00:09:07,838
HE'S A CHIRPY LITTLE
FELLOW, ISN'T HE?
220
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,280
ISN'T HE A CHIRPY
LITTLE FELLOW, EH?
221
00:09:10,316 --> 00:09:11,305
DOES HE TALK?
222
00:09:11,350 --> 00:09:12,510
DOES HE TALK, EH?
223
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,042
OF COURSE I CAN TALK.
224
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,951
I'M MINISTER
FOR OVERSEAS DEVELOPMENT.
225
00:09:15,988 --> 00:09:18,149
OOH, HE'S A CLEVER LITTLE BOY!
226
00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:20,055
HE'S A CLEVER
LITTLE BOY!
227
00:09:20,126 --> 00:09:22,287
DO YOU LIKE
YOUR RATTLE, EH?
228
00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:23,761
DO YOU LIKE
YOUR RATTLE?
229
00:09:23,796 --> 00:09:25,923
LOOK AT HIS EYES
FOLLOWING IT, EH.
230
00:09:25,965 --> 00:09:28,593
LOOK AT HIS IGGY-PIGGY-PIGGY
LITTLE EYEBALLS.
231
00:09:28,634 --> 00:09:30,363
OOH, HE'S GOT
A TUBBY TUM-TUM.
232
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,064
OOH, HE'S GOT
A TUBBY TUM-TUM!
233
00:09:32,171 --> 00:09:34,833
MOTHER, COULD I HAVE
A QUICK CUP OF TEA, PLEASE?
234
00:09:34,874 --> 00:09:37,069
I HAVE AN IMPORTANT
STATEMENT ON RHODESIA
235
00:09:37,176 --> 00:09:38,871
TO MAKE IN THE COMMONS
AT 6:00.
236
00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:44,381
OH, MRS. NIGGER-BAITER'S
EXPLODED!
237
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:45,384
GOOD THING, TOO.
238
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,851
SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND.
239
00:09:46,886 --> 00:09:49,081
OH, MOTHER,
DON'T BE SO SENTIMENTAL.
240
00:09:49,121 --> 00:09:50,679
THINGS EXPLODE EVERY DAY.
241
00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:51,883
YES, I SUPPOSE SO.
242
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:53,915
ANYWAY, I DIDN'T REALLY
LIKE HER THAT MUCH.
243
00:09:55,061 --> 00:09:56,858
OOH.
244
00:09:56,896 --> 00:09:58,227
HELLO.
I'M YOUR NEW VICAR.
245
00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:00,391
CAN I INTEREST YOU
IN ANY ENCYCLOPEDIAS?
246
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,422
OH, NO. THANK YOU.
247
00:10:01,467 --> 00:10:03,264
WE'RE NOT CHURCH
PEOPLE. THANK YOU.
248
00:10:03,302 --> 00:10:05,270
HOW ABOUT BRUSHES?
NYLON OR BRISTLE?
249
00:10:05,304 --> 00:10:07,033
STRONG-TUFTED,
ATTRACTIVE COLORS.
250
00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:08,563
NO. REALLY,
THANK YOU, VICAR.
251
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,508
OH, DEAR. TURKEY?
CUP FINAL TICKETS?
252
00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:13,103
NO, NO. REALLY, WE'RE
JUST NOT RELIGIOUS.
253
00:10:13,212 --> 00:10:14,110
THANK YOU.
254
00:10:14,213 --> 00:10:15,339
OH, WELL. BYE-BYE.
255
00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:16,473
BYE-BYE, VICAR.
256
00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:19,650
REMEMBER,
IF YOU DO WANT ANYTHING:
257
00:10:19,685 --> 00:10:21,448
JEWELRY, ASCOT,
WATER HEATERS...
258
00:10:21,487 --> 00:10:22,476
THANK YOU, VICAR.
259
00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:26,080
IT'S FUNNY,
ISN'T IT, HOW...
260
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:30,391
HOW YOUR BEST FRIEND CAN
JUST BLOW UP LIKE THAT?
261
00:10:30,429 --> 00:10:32,920
YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT WAS
MEDICALLY POSSIBLE, WOULD YOU?
262
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:35,297
THIS IS WHERE MRS. SHAZAM
WAS SO WRONG.
263
00:10:35,334 --> 00:10:38,394
EXPLODING IS A PERFECTLY NORMAL
MEDICAL PHENOMENON.
264
00:10:38,437 --> 00:10:40,530
IN MANY FIELDS OF MEDICINE
NOWADAYS
265
00:10:40,573 --> 00:10:43,064
A DOSE OF DYNAMITE
CAN DO A WORLD OF GOOD.
266
00:10:43,109 --> 00:10:46,510
FOR INSTANCE, ATHLETE'S FOOT...
AN IRRITATING CONDITION...
267
00:10:46,545 --> 00:10:49,378
CAN BE CURED BY APPLYING
A SMALL CHARGE OF TNT
268
00:10:49,415 --> 00:10:50,575
BETWEEN EACH TOE...
269
00:10:52,051 --> 00:10:53,143
EXCUSE ME.
270
00:10:55,454 --> 00:10:56,921
HELLO. I'M
YOUR NEW VICAR.
271
00:10:56,956 --> 00:10:58,082
CAN I INTEREST YOU
272
00:10:58,124 --> 00:11:00,092
IN ANY OF THESE
WATCHES, PENS OR BIROS?
273
00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:01,889
NO. I'M NOT RELIGIOUS,
I'M AFRAID.
274
00:11:01,927 --> 00:11:03,019
OH. SOUVENIRS, BADGES
275
00:11:03,062 --> 00:11:05,292
LITTLE NODDY DOG FOR
THE BACK OF THE CAR?
276
00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:06,457
NO. THANK YOU, VICAR.
277
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:07,796
GOOD MORNING.
278
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:09,824
NOW, MANY
OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION
279
00:11:09,869 --> 00:11:11,496
ARE SKEPTICAL ABOUT MY WORK.
280
00:11:11,537 --> 00:11:12,868
THEY POINT TO MY RECORD
281
00:11:12,905 --> 00:11:15,305
OF TREATMENT
OF ATHLETE'S FOOT SUFFERERS:
282
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:20,973
84 DEAD, 65 SEVERELY WOUNDED
AND 12 MISSING, BELIEVED CURED.
283
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:23,106
BUT THEN,
PEOPLE LAUGHED AT BOB HOPE.
284
00:11:23,149 --> 00:11:24,480
THEY LAUGHED AT MY WIFE
285
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:27,350
WHEN SHE WRAPPED HERSELF UP
IN GREASE-PROOF PAPER
286
00:11:27,386 --> 00:11:29,854
AND HOPPED
INTO THE SOCIAL SECURITY OFFICE.
287
00:11:29,889 --> 00:11:32,449
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
THAT PASTEUR WAS WRONG.
288
00:11:32,491 --> 00:11:34,391
LOOK, I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN.
289
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:35,416
WATCH IT, MATE.
290
00:11:35,461 --> 00:11:37,053
I'M NOT GOING
TO STAND AROUND HERE
291
00:11:37,096 --> 00:11:38,927
GETTING POKED
AND PRODDED ALL DAY.
292
00:11:38,964 --> 00:11:39,931
I'M OFF.
293
00:11:39,965 --> 00:11:41,193
I'VE GOT A DECENT BODY.
294
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:43,565
ALL I GET IS POKED AND PRODDED
IN THE CHEST.
295
00:11:43,602 --> 00:11:46,400
WELL, I'M OFF. I'M GOING
TO GET ANOTHER LINE OF WORK.
296
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:47,406
WATCH IT!
297
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:48,907
DON'T GO ANY FURTHER!
298
00:11:48,941 --> 00:11:49,999
TURN BACK!
299
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:51,441
STOP! STOP!
PLEASE! OH, STOP!
300
00:11:52,478 --> 00:11:53,706
OH, MY GOD!
301
00:11:53,746 --> 00:11:55,839
HE'S FALLEN OFF THE EDGE
OF THE CARTOON!
302
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:57,678
WELL, SO MUCH FOR THAT LINK.
303
00:11:57,717 --> 00:12:00,481
JOHN COBBLEY IS THE MUSICAL
AND ARTISTIC DIRECTOR
304
00:12:00,519 --> 00:12:01,577
OF COVENT GARDEN.
305
00:12:01,620 --> 00:12:03,315
HE IS HIMSELF
A TALENTED MUSICIAN
306
00:12:03,355 --> 00:12:06,791
HE'S A WORLD-FAMOUS AUTHORITY
ON 19th CENTURY RUSSIAN MUSIC
307
00:12:06,826 --> 00:12:08,885
AND HE'S COME
INTO THE STUDIO TONIGHT
308
00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:10,486
TO TALK
ABOUT TSCHAIKOWSKY...
309
00:12:10,529 --> 00:12:11,791
WHICH IS
A BIT OF A PITY
310
00:12:11,831 --> 00:12:13,162
AS THIS IS FARMING CLUB.
311
00:12:13,199 --> 00:12:14,666
AND ON FARMING CLUB
TONIGHT
312
00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:15,928
WE'LL BE TAKING A LOOK
313
00:12:15,968 --> 00:12:18,562
AT THE MINISTRY'S
LATEST PREVENTATIVE PROPOSALS
314
00:12:18,604 --> 00:12:21,368
TO DEAL WITH POSSIBLE OUTBREAKS
OF FOOT-AND-MOUTH.
315
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:22,806
WE'LL BE TALKING LATER ON
316
00:12:22,842 --> 00:12:25,037
TO THE MAN WHO BELIEVES
THAT MILK YIELDS
317
00:12:25,077 --> 00:12:26,635
CAN BE INCREASED
DRAMATICALLY
318
00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:28,544
BUT FIRST,
A FARMING CLUB SPECIAL:
319
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,048
"THE LIFE OF TSCHAIKOWSKY."
320
00:12:52,037 --> 00:12:54,062
TSCHAIKOWSKY...
WAS HE THE TORTURED SOUL
321
00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:56,040
WHO POURED OUT
HIS IMMORTAL LONGINGS
322
00:12:56,075 --> 00:12:58,236
INTO DIGNIFIED PASSAGES
OF STATELY MUSIC
323
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:00,643
OR WAS HE JUST AN OLD POOF
WHO WROTE TUNES?
324
00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:02,169
TONIGHT, ON FARMING CLUB
325
00:13:02,214 --> 00:13:05,411
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE
AN INTIMATE LOOK AT TSCHAIKOWSKY
326
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:07,646
AND AN INTIMATE LOOK
AT HIS FRIENDS.
327
00:13:07,686 --> 00:13:09,517
INCIDENTALLY,
BBC PUBLICATIONS
328
00:13:09,555 --> 00:13:11,523
HAVE PREPARED
A SPECIAL PAMPHLET
329
00:13:11,557 --> 00:13:14,549
TO GO WITH THIS PROGRAM
CALLED HELLO, PIANIST
330
00:13:14,593 --> 00:13:16,117
AND IT CONTAINS MATERIAL
331
00:13:16,162 --> 00:13:18,494
WHICH SOME PEOPLE
MIGHT FIND OFFENSIVE
332
00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:20,294
BUT WHICH
IS REALLY SMASHING.
333
00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:22,891
PETER ILYTCH TSCHAIKOWSKY
WAS BORN IN 1840
334
00:13:22,935 --> 00:13:25,995
IN A KEN RUSSELL FILM
JUST OUTSIDE ST. PETERSBURG.
335
00:13:26,038 --> 00:13:28,632
HIS FATHER LEO McKERN...
A FREELANCE BISHOP...
336
00:13:28,674 --> 00:13:31,575
WAS MARRIED TO VERA PLACHENKA...
JULIE CHRISTIE...
337
00:13:31,610 --> 00:13:34,636
BUT SECRETLY DEEPLY IN LOVE
WITH MARGO FARENKA...
338
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:35,908
SHIRLEY ABICAIR...
339
00:13:35,948 --> 00:13:38,746
AND THE STRANGELY FLATULENT
MADAME RANEVSKY...
340
00:13:38,784 --> 00:13:39,910
NORRIS McWHIRTER.
341
00:13:39,952 --> 00:13:41,579
SOON, HOWEVER, THE FAMILY...
342
00:13:41,620 --> 00:13:44,589
ELDRIDGE CLEAVER, MOIRA LISTER
AND STAN THE BAT...
343
00:13:44,623 --> 00:13:47,558
MOVED TO THE NEIGHBORING
INDUSTRIAL VILLAGE OF OMSK...
344
00:13:47,593 --> 00:13:48,719
EDDIE WARING...
345
00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:50,854
WHERE THEY SOON
FOUND THEMSELVES, SADLY
346
00:13:50,896 --> 00:13:52,955
QUITE UNABLE TO COPE...
ANTHONY BARBER.
347
00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:54,795
IN 1863, HOWEVER,
TSCHAIKOWSKY
348
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:57,200
WAS SENT TO MOSCOW
TO STUDY THE PIANO
349
00:13:57,236 --> 00:13:58,897
AND WHEN HE'D
FINISHED THAT
350
00:13:58,938 --> 00:13:59,962
THE LIVING ROOM.
351
00:14:00,005 --> 00:14:01,700
MAURICE TAKES
UP THE STORY.
352
00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:02,707
WELL, GUESS WHAT?
353
00:14:02,741 --> 00:14:04,333
THE VERY NEXT THING HE DID
354
00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:07,937
WAS TO GO TO THIS EXTRAORDINARY,
BUT EXTRAORDINARY DUCKETY-POOS
355
00:14:07,980 --> 00:14:10,005
SEMl-MONDRIAN HOUSE
IN ROBIN, RUSSIA.
356
00:14:10,049 --> 00:14:11,676
HARRY HERE TAMMY TSCHAIKOWSKY
357
00:14:11,717 --> 00:14:14,185
WROTE SOME OF THE MOST
SAMMY SUPER SYMPHONIES
358
00:14:14,220 --> 00:14:17,280
YOU'VE EVER HENRY HEARD
IN THE WHOLE OF YOUR LILY LIFE.
359
00:14:17,323 --> 00:14:18,881
SHE WAS SUCH A GOOD COMPOSER
360
00:14:18,924 --> 00:14:21,358
THAT EVERYBODY, BUT EVERYBODY,
WANTED TO KNOW
361
00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:22,552
AND QUITE RIGHT, TOO
362
00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:24,358
'CAUSE SHE WROTE
SOME LOVELY BITS
363
00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:27,263
SUCH AS "SALLY SLEEPING BEAUTY,"
"PATSY PATHETIQUE"
364
00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:29,631
"ADRIAN 1812,"
AND LOTS OF CONNIE CONCERTI
365
00:14:29,668 --> 00:14:32,102
FOR VERA VIOLIN
AND PETER PIANO FANNY FORTE.
366
00:14:32,137 --> 00:14:35,538
BUT WHAT DO WE REALLY KNOW
OF THIS TORTURED PONCE?
367
00:14:35,574 --> 00:14:38,338
WELL, IF YOU CAN IMAGINE
THE SIZE OF NELSON'S COLUMN
368
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:41,210
WHICH IS ROUGHLY THREE TIMES
THE SIZE OF A LONDON BUS
369
00:14:41,247 --> 00:14:43,044
THEN TSCHAIKOWSKY
WAS MUCH SMALLER.
370
00:14:43,082 --> 00:14:44,811
HIS HEAD WAS ABOUT THE SAME SIZE
371
00:14:44,850 --> 00:14:46,681
AS THAT
OF AN EXTREMELY LARGE DOG...
372
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,584
THAT IS TO SAY,
TWO VERY SMALL DOGS
373
00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:51,556
OR FOUR VERY LARGE HAMSTERS,
OR ONE MEDIUM-SIZED RABBIT
374
00:14:51,590 --> 00:14:53,387
IF YOU COUNT
THE WHOLE OF THE BODY
375
00:14:53,425 --> 00:14:54,619
AND NOT JUST THE HEAD.
376
00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:55,627
UH, ROBIN?
377
00:14:55,661 --> 00:14:56,958
UH, THANK YOU.
378
00:14:56,996 --> 00:14:59,658
WELL, HERE'S A THREE-STAGE MODEL
OF TSCHAIKOWSKY.
379
00:14:59,698 --> 00:15:02,223
HERE YOU SEE THE LEGS,
USED FOR WALKING AROUND
380
00:15:02,268 --> 00:15:04,236
AND WHICH CAN BE JETTISONED
AT NIGHT
381
00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:06,101
AND, UM,
THIS IS THE MAIN TRUNK...
382
00:15:06,138 --> 00:15:08,038
THE POWERHOUSE
OF THE WHOLE THING...
383
00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:10,371
INCORPORATING, OF COURSE,
THE NAUGHTY BITS
384
00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:12,639
WHICH WERE EXTREMELY NAUGHTY
FOR HIS TIME
385
00:15:12,678 --> 00:15:14,509
AND THE WHOLE THING
IS SUBSERVIENT
386
00:15:16,215 --> 00:15:19,150
THE, AS IT WERE, HEAD
OF THE WHOLE, AS IT WERE, BODY.
387
00:15:19,184 --> 00:15:20,151
ROBIN?
388
00:15:20,185 --> 00:15:20,844
PETER?
389
00:15:20,886 --> 00:15:21,614
SIMON.
390
00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:22,120
MAURICE.
391
00:15:22,154 --> 00:15:23,246
ME.
392
00:15:23,289 --> 00:15:24,586
WELL...
393
00:15:24,623 --> 00:15:27,387
POOR PET, SHE WAS LIKE
A LOST LAMB IN AN ABATTOIR.
394
00:15:27,426 --> 00:15:29,860
EVENTUALLY, SHE DICKIE DIED
OF COLIN CHOLERA
395
00:15:29,895 --> 00:15:32,830
IN ST. PATSY PETERSBURG,
IN GERTIE GREAT PERCY PAIN.
396
00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:35,026
HERE TO PLAY TSCHAIKOWSKY'S
397
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:37,160
FIRST PIANO CONCERTO
IN B-FLAT MINOR
398
00:15:37,202 --> 00:15:40,069
IS THE WORLD-FAMOUS SOLOIST
SVIATOSLA V RICHTER.
399
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:42,805
DURING THE PERFORMANCE
400
00:15:42,841 --> 00:15:45,435
HE WILL ESCAPE FROM A SACK,
THREE PADLOCKS
401
00:15:45,477 --> 00:15:46,967
AND A PAIR OF HANDCUFFS.
402
00:16:43,902 --> 00:16:45,301
GOOD EVENING.
403
00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:48,135
THIS NEW SERIES OF
TRIM-JEANS THEATRE PRESENTS
404
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:51,233
WILL ENABLE YOU TO EN JOY
THE POETRY OF T.S. ELIOT
405
00:16:51,276 --> 00:16:53,437
WHILST LOSING UNSIGHTLY
TUMMY BULGE.
406
00:16:53,479 --> 00:16:54,605
JEAN.
407
00:16:54,646 --> 00:16:57,046
WELL, YES,
AND THE INCHES STAY OFF. MARK?
408
00:16:57,082 --> 00:16:59,243
TERRIFIC. THRILL
TO THOMAS A BECKET'S
409
00:16:59,284 --> 00:17:01,081
KIERKEGAARDIAN
MOMENT OF CHOICE
410
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:04,214
WHILST MAKING YOUR PHYSIQUE
TIGHTER, FIRMER, NEATER.
411
00:17:04,256 --> 00:17:05,314
I AM HERE!
412
00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:06,790
NO TRAITOR
TO THE KING.
413
00:17:06,825 --> 00:17:08,053
ABSOLVE
ALL THOSE
414
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:09,890
YOU HAVE
EXCOMMUNICATED.
415
00:17:09,928 --> 00:17:11,259
RESIGN
THOSE POWERS
416
00:17:11,296 --> 00:17:12,627
YOU HAVE
ABROGATED.
417
00:17:12,664 --> 00:17:13,995
RENEW
THE OBEDIENCE
418
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,261
YOU HAVE
VIOLATED.
419
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:16,324
LOSE INCHES
420
00:17:16,368 --> 00:17:17,801
OFF YOUR HIPS,
THIGHS
421
00:17:17,836 --> 00:17:19,235
BUTTOCKS
AND ABDOMEN.
422
00:17:19,271 --> 00:17:20,898
A TERRIFIC PRODUCT.
423
00:17:20,939 --> 00:17:21,906
TERRIFIC!
424
00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:23,134
AND THIS COMES COMPLETE
425
00:17:23,175 --> 00:17:24,802
WITH THE MOST
REVOLUTIONARY GUARANTEE
426
00:17:24,843 --> 00:17:26,333
IN SLENDERIZING
HISTORY.
427
00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:29,176
THIS WAS KEVIN
FRANCIS BEFORE LAST SEASON'S
428
00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:31,341
TRIM-JEANS' PLAY
OF THE MONTH PRODUCTION
429
00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:33,078
OF THE SEAGULL BYANTON CHEKHOV
430
00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:35,552
AND THE SAUNA BELT
TRIM-JEAN COMPANY, LIMITED.
431
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:38,419
SEE? KEVIN HAS SLIPPED
INTO HIS SLENDERIZING GARMENT
432
00:17:38,457 --> 00:17:41,483
AND IS INFLATING IT WITH
THE HANDY LITTLE PUMP PROVIDED.
433
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:44,758
THREE ACTS AND A FEW
SPECIAL TORSO EXERCISES LATER
434
00:17:44,797 --> 00:17:46,196
KEVIN... AS TRIGORIN
435
00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:48,859
THE FAILED WRITER
OF SENTIMENTAL ROMANCES...
436
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,267
HAS LOST OVER 33 INCHES.
437
00:17:51,303 --> 00:17:52,930
WOW! WHAT A DIFFERENCE.
438
00:17:52,971 --> 00:17:55,565
THAT ANTON CHEKHOV
CAN CERTAINLY WRITE.
439
00:17:55,607 --> 00:17:56,699
TERRIFIC.
440
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:57,709
TERRIFIC.
441
00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:58,903
YES, WHY NOT JOIN US
442
00:17:58,944 --> 00:18:00,571
FOR A SEASON
OF CLASSIC PLAYS
443
00:18:00,612 --> 00:18:01,909
AND RAPID
SLENDERIZING.
444
00:18:01,947 --> 00:18:04,575
EN JOY SIR JOHN GIELGUD
AND SIR RALPH RICHARDSON
445
00:18:04,683 --> 00:18:07,709
LOSING A TOTAL OF 15 INCHES
IN DAVID STOREY'S HOME.
446
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,778
EN JOY THE TRIM GENTLEMEN
OF VERONA
447
00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:11,756
AND LONG DA Y'S JOURNEY
INTO NIGHT
448
00:18:11,790 --> 00:18:13,155
WHILE INCHES MELT AWAY.
449
00:18:13,192 --> 00:18:16,593
EN JOY GLENDA JACKSON
WITH A CONSTANT SNUG FIT
450
00:18:16,695 --> 00:18:19,493
AND SOLID SUPPORT
IN ALL FOUR AREAS.
451
00:18:19,531 --> 00:18:21,123
OTHER PRODUCTIONS
WILL INCLUDE:
452
00:18:21,166 --> 00:18:22,690
TREASURE ISLAND
453
00:18:22,734 --> 00:18:24,531
SWAN LAKE
454
00:18:24,570 --> 00:18:27,004
THE LIFE AND LOVES
OF TOULOUSE-LAUTREC
455
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:28,597
AND THE TRIM-
JEANS' VERSION
456
00:18:28,707 --> 00:18:29,935
OF THE GREAT ESCAPE
457
00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:31,465
WITH A CAST
OF THOUSANDS
458
00:18:31,510 --> 00:18:33,444
LOSING WELL OVER
1,500 INCHES.
459
00:19:01,073 --> 00:19:02,438
WAS IST DAS?!
460
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:03,600
ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG!
461
00:19:03,642 --> 00:19:04,802
HALT! HALT!
462
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,609
HALT!
463
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:28,364
WASN'T THAT TERRIFIC,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?
464
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:29,458
REALLY GREAT.
465
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:31,526
NOW, THE NEXT ITEM
ON THE PROGRAM IS...
466
00:19:31,570 --> 00:19:33,333
I CAN'T STAND IT,
MAN. REALLY NOT.
467
00:19:33,372 --> 00:19:34,771
I'VE HAD IT
WITH THIS IDIOT
468
00:19:34,806 --> 00:19:37,036
EVERY NIGHT MAKING ME
SAY THE MOST INANE...
469
00:19:37,075 --> 00:19:38,133
REALLY TERRIFIC ACT.
470
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:39,474
NOW, THE NEXT ITEM ON...
471
00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:40,808
I'M OFF. GONE.
472
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:48,012
I CAN EXPRESS MYSELF...
473
00:19:51,423 --> 00:19:53,891
IF HE FEELS THE SAME
WAY I FEEL, MAN...
474
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:24,014
WELCOME ABOARD, BRITISHER PIG.
475
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,853
QUITE A LITTLE SURPRISE, JA?
476
00:20:27,392 --> 00:20:31,192
BUT PERHAPS YOU WOULD BE SO KIND
AS TO TELL US ALL YOU KNOW
477
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,858
ABOUT CERTAIN ALLIED
SHIPPING ROUTES, JA?
478
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:36,162
COME ON, TALK!
479
00:20:36,201 --> 00:20:38,567
HELLO, FRITZ.
480
00:20:38,604 --> 00:20:40,936
THE TABLES SEEM
TO HAVE TURNED, OLD CHAP.
481
00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:44,067
LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE A BIT
OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE, EH?
482
00:20:45,344 --> 00:20:48,040
COME ON, FRITZ, NOW TELL US...
TELL US ABOUT...
483
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:51,709
AH, GLEETINGS, CAPITALIST DOG.
484
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,684
VERY SORRY, BUT MUST INFORM YOU
485
00:20:53,719 --> 00:20:57,018
THAT YOU ARE NOW PRISONER
OF PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC.
486
00:20:57,055 --> 00:20:59,080
I'M VERY SORRY, COMRADE COMMANDO
487
00:20:59,124 --> 00:21:00,751
BUT I HAVE JUST PICKED UP
488
00:21:00,859 --> 00:21:04,192
A CAPITALIST SHIP
ON RADAR SCANNER.
489
00:21:17,242 --> 00:21:20,177
This is your captain speaking.
490
00:21:20,212 --> 00:21:21,770
There is no need for panic.
491
00:21:21,813 --> 00:21:23,178
Women and children first.
492
00:21:23,215 --> 00:21:26,013
Women and children first.
493
00:21:26,051 --> 00:21:28,178
DO NOT RUSH FOR THE LIFEBOATS
494
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:31,451
WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST.
495
00:21:31,490 --> 00:21:32,684
AND INDIANS.
496
00:21:32,724 --> 00:21:35,022
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GET
DRESSED UP LIKE THAT?
497
00:21:35,060 --> 00:21:37,119
IT WAS THE ONLY
THING LEFT.
498
00:21:37,162 --> 00:21:38,891
WOMEN, CHILDREN
AND RED INDIANS.
499
00:21:38,930 --> 00:21:40,591
AND SPACEMEN.
500
00:21:42,801 --> 00:21:46,794
WOMEN, CHILDREN,
RED INDIANS AND SPACEMEN.
501
00:21:46,872 --> 00:21:47,930
WHAT'S THAT
MEANT TO BE?
502
00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:49,338
WELL, IT'S A SORT
OF IMPRESSION
503
00:21:49,374 --> 00:21:51,399
OF WHAT A KIND OF
RENAISSANCE COURTIER ARTIST
504
00:21:51,443 --> 00:21:53,070
MIGHT HAVE LOOKED
LIKE AT THE COURTS
505
00:21:53,111 --> 00:21:54,339
OF ONE OF THE
GREAT FAMILIES
506
00:21:54,379 --> 00:21:55,778
LIKE THE MEDICIS
OR THE BORGIAS.
507
00:21:55,814 --> 00:21:56,803
NO, IT'S NOT.
508
00:21:56,848 --> 00:21:58,509
IT'S MORE FLEMISH
THAN ITALIAN.
509
00:21:58,550 --> 00:22:00,211
YES. THAT'S A
FLEMISH MERCHANT
510
00:22:00,252 --> 00:22:01,810
OF THE 15th
OR 16th CENTURIES.
511
00:22:01,853 --> 00:22:02,911
WHAT? WITH THESE TASSELS?
512
00:22:02,954 --> 00:22:04,012
YES, YES.
513
00:22:04,056 --> 00:22:05,785
THEY HAD THOSE
FITTED DOUBLETS GOING...
514
00:22:05,824 --> 00:22:07,689
TAPERING DOWN
INTO THE FULL HOSE, YOU KNOW.
515
00:22:07,726 --> 00:22:08,693
EXACTLY LIKE THAT.
516
00:22:08,727 --> 00:22:10,194
ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.
DON'T PANIC.
517
00:22:10,228 --> 00:22:11,559
NOW, WHAT'S IT MEANT TO BE?
518
00:22:11,596 --> 00:22:13,063
I'VE GOT TO TELL THEM
SOMETHING.
519
00:22:13,098 --> 00:22:14,326
IS IT A FLEMISH MERCHANT?
520
00:22:14,366 --> 00:22:16,266
NO, IT IS NOT
A FLEMISH MERCHANT.
521
00:22:16,301 --> 00:22:18,269
IT'S MORE
A SORT OF IDEALIZED VERSION
522
00:22:18,303 --> 00:22:19,964
OF THE COMPLETE
RENAISSANCE MAN.
523
00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:21,438
OH, ALL RIGHT.
NO, IT'S NOT.
524
00:22:21,473 --> 00:22:22,940
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
525
00:22:22,974 --> 00:22:24,999
THIS IS YOUR
CAPTAIN SPEAKING.
526
00:22:25,043 --> 00:22:26,772
DO NOT RUSH
FOR THE LIFEBOATS.
527
00:22:26,812 --> 00:22:28,370
WOMEN, CHILDREN,
RED INDIANS
528
00:22:28,413 --> 00:22:31,382
spacemen
and sort of idealized versions
529
00:22:31,416 --> 00:22:34,874
of the complete
Renaissance man first.
530
00:22:36,922 --> 00:22:38,719
FLEMISH MERCHANTS
DID NOT WEAR
531
00:22:38,757 --> 00:22:40,247
HAND-EMBROIDERED
CHEVRONS!
532
00:22:41,493 --> 00:22:42,585
THEY DID NOT!
533
00:22:51,169 --> 00:22:53,228
YES, GOMEZ?
534
00:22:58,710 --> 00:23:02,146
"WE FOUND THEM WALKING
ON THE BEACH, MY CAPTAIN."
535
00:23:02,180 --> 00:23:04,205
GOMEZ, WHY CAN'T YOU
SAY THIS?
536
00:23:05,150 --> 00:23:07,277
WHAT? OH, I SEE.
537
00:23:07,319 --> 00:23:09,116
WE CAN'T AFFORD IT. AH!
538
00:23:09,154 --> 00:23:12,612
YOU SEE, THE BBC HAS TO PAY AN
ACTOR 20 GUINEAS IF HE SPEAKS
539
00:23:12,657 --> 00:23:14,887
AND IT MAKES A BIT OF
A HOLE IN THE BUDGET.
540
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:16,621
28 GUINEAS, SIR.
OH, SORRY!
541
00:23:16,661 --> 00:23:18,219
YOU FOOL, GOMEZ!
542
00:23:18,263 --> 00:23:19,230
THAT'S 28 GUINEAS.
543
00:23:19,264 --> 00:23:20,356
WHAT ABOUT ME, SIR?
544
00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:22,196
ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SPEAK?
NO, SIR.
545
00:23:22,234 --> 00:23:24,395
WELL, YOU'VE JUST SPOKEN!
OH, SORRY, SIR.
546
00:23:24,436 --> 00:23:27,371
YOU FOOL, THAT'S 56 GUINEAS
BEFORE WE'VE EVEN STARTED!
547
00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:28,566
YES?
548
00:23:31,176 --> 00:23:32,234
WHAT DID HE DO THAT FOR?
549
00:23:32,277 --> 00:23:34,006
IT'S A STUNT, SIR...
AN EXTRA 20 GUINEAS.
550
00:23:34,045 --> 00:23:35,603
LOOK, WE CAN'T
AFFORD IT!
551
00:23:35,647 --> 00:23:37,547
THE BBC IS SHORT
OF MONEY AS IT IS.
552
00:23:37,582 --> 00:23:39,914
THE BBC WISHES TO DENY RUMORS
553
00:23:39,985 --> 00:23:41,714
THAT IT IS GOING
INTO LIQUIDATION.
554
00:23:41,753 --> 00:23:44,085
MRS. KELLY, WHO OWNS THE FLAT
WHERE THEY LIVE
555
00:23:44,122 --> 00:23:47,182
HAS SAID THAT THEY CAN STAY ON
TILL THE END OF THE MONTH...
556
00:23:48,693 --> 00:23:51,025
AND WE'VE JUST HEARD
THAT HUW WELDON'S WATCH
557
00:23:51,062 --> 00:23:53,724
HAS BEEN ACCEPTED
BY THE LONDON ELECTRICITY BOARD
558
00:23:53,765 --> 00:23:55,528
AND TRANSMISSIONS
FOR THIS EVENING
559
00:23:55,567 --> 00:23:57,057
CAN BE CONTINUED AS PLANNED.
560
00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:00,837
WELL, THAT'S ALL FROM ME, SO...
GOOD NIGHT.
561
00:24:02,140 --> 00:24:04,404
ARE YOU GOING TO
BE IN THERE ALL NIGHT?
562
00:24:04,443 --> 00:24:06,206
IT'S JUST A BULLETIN,
MR. KELLY.
563
00:24:06,244 --> 00:24:07,711
AND NOW, BACK TO THE STORY.
564
00:24:08,747 --> 00:24:09,714
COMMENCE!
565
00:24:09,748 --> 00:24:10,737
ALL RIGHT!
566
00:24:16,154 --> 00:24:19,282
WE FOUND THESE MEN WALKING
ON THE BEACH, MY CAPITAN.
567
00:24:19,324 --> 00:24:21,053
WE'RE BRITISH
NAVAL OFFICERS
568
00:24:21,092 --> 00:24:22,320
AND ENTITLED TO BE...
569
00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:24,328
IT'S PUSS!
570
00:24:24,362 --> 00:24:26,489
HELLO, PUSS.
571
00:24:26,531 --> 00:24:28,089
HELLO, CHILDREN.
572
00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:32,126
STOP! STOP THIS ADAPTATION
OF PUSS-IN-BOOTS!
573
00:24:32,170 --> 00:24:35,367
THIS IS THE POLICE DEPARTMENT
OF THE STATE OF VENEZUELA.
574
00:24:35,407 --> 00:24:37,102
OH, NO, IT ISN'T.
575
00:24:37,142 --> 00:24:38,632
OH, YES, IT IS!
576
00:24:38,677 --> 00:24:40,804
OH, NO, IT ISN'T!
577
00:24:40,846 --> 00:24:42,973
OH, YES, IT IS!
578
00:24:43,048 --> 00:24:45,482
OH, NO, IT ISN'T!
579
00:24:45,517 --> 00:24:47,451
SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
580
00:24:48,887 --> 00:24:52,721
NOW, I'M GOING
TO ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS
581
00:24:52,757 --> 00:24:55,726
AND REMEMBER, IF YOU DO NOT
GIVE ME CORRECT ANSWERS
582
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:58,661
WE HAVE WAYS
OF MAKING YOU ANSWER.
583
00:24:58,697 --> 00:25:00,562
LIKE NOT PAYING 28 GUINEAS.
584
00:25:00,599 --> 00:25:02,499
SHUT UP!
585
00:25:02,534 --> 00:25:04,399
NOW, WHAT SHIP ARE YOU FROM?
586
00:25:04,436 --> 00:25:06,563
WE ARE FROM
THE SS MOTHER GOOSE.
587
00:25:06,605 --> 00:25:09,403
WE WERE 12 DAYS OUT FROM
PORT OF SPAIN AND I...
588
00:25:09,441 --> 00:25:12,137
I GOT 30 BOB
FOR THE TROUSERS!
589
00:25:12,177 --> 00:25:14,145
WE ARE FROM THE
SS MOTHER GOOSE.
590
00:25:14,179 --> 00:25:16,579
WE WERE 12 DAYS OUT
FROM PORT OF SPAIN
591
00:25:16,615 --> 00:25:19,413
AND ONE NIGHT, I WAS
DOING MY USUAL ROUNDS
592
00:25:19,451 --> 00:25:20,782
WHEN I HAD OCCASION
593
00:25:20,819 --> 00:25:23,481
TO PASS THE FORWARD
STORAGE LOCKERS...
594
00:25:31,997 --> 00:25:33,259
GO ON.
595
00:25:33,298 --> 00:25:34,595
OH, UM...
596
00:25:34,633 --> 00:25:37,033
WELL, I-I NOTICED
SOMETHING UNUSUAL.
597
00:25:37,135 --> 00:25:39,365
THE MAIN BILGE HATCHES
HAD BEEN OPENED
598
00:25:39,404 --> 00:25:42,032
AND THERE, CROUCHING
AMIDST THE SCUPPERS
599
00:25:42,073 --> 00:25:44,200
WAS THE MOST
GHASTLY CREATURE
600
00:25:44,242 --> 00:25:46,142
I'VE EVER SEEN
IN MY LIFE.
601
00:25:46,177 --> 00:25:47,610
AS SOON AS IT SAW ME
602
00:25:47,646 --> 00:25:49,341
ITS HORRIBLE FACE
SPLIT ASIDE
603
00:25:49,381 --> 00:25:50,973
IN A GHASTLY LOOK
OF TERROR.
604
00:25:51,016 --> 00:25:52,506
ITS HEAD,
WHICH WAS LIKE...
605
00:25:52,551 --> 00:25:54,382
COULD YOU SIGN
THIS, PLEASE?
606
00:25:54,419 --> 00:25:56,387
A SMALL, A SMALL RAT.
607
00:25:56,421 --> 00:25:58,981
IT WAS GHASTLY
AND HORRIBLE AND BEFURRED.
608
00:25:59,024 --> 00:26:00,855
ITS LITTLE
RED EYES GLINTED
609
00:26:00,892 --> 00:26:03,452
IN THE UNACCUSTOMED
GLARE OF THE MIDDAY SUN
610
00:26:03,495 --> 00:26:05,463
AND BEFORE I COULD
SHUT THE HATCH
611
00:26:05,497 --> 00:26:07,863
IT SPRANG UPON ME
WITH ONE ALMIGHTY...
612
00:26:07,899 --> 00:26:09,196
WHAT THIS ABOUT DOING
613
00:26:09,234 --> 00:26:11,532
HORSE OF THE YEAR SHOW
IN HERE TONIGHT?
614
00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:12,730
I'M SORRY,
MRS. KELLY.
615
00:26:12,771 --> 00:26:14,295
WE DON'T KNOW, I'M AFRAID.
616
00:26:14,339 --> 00:26:15,533
THIS IS DRAMA.
617
00:26:15,574 --> 00:26:17,804
MR. FOX TOLD ME
BEFORE HE WENT DOWN TO THE PUB
618
00:26:17,842 --> 00:26:19,901
THAT THEY'RE DOING
HORSE OF THE YEAR SHOW
619
00:26:19,945 --> 00:26:21,071
IN HERE TONIGHT AT 9:10.
620
00:26:21,179 --> 00:26:22,373
THIS IS BBC TWO.
621
00:26:22,414 --> 00:26:23,540
I THINK BBC ONE
ARE IN THE KITCHEN.
622
00:26:23,582 --> 00:26:25,243
WELL, I'M NOT
HAVING HARVEY SMITH
623
00:26:25,283 --> 00:26:26,580
JUMPING
OVER MY BINETTE.
624
00:26:26,618 --> 00:26:27,812
NO. COME ON!
625
00:26:27,852 --> 00:26:30,286
...TEARING AT MY THROAT,
RIPPING MY CLOTHES...
626
00:26:30,322 --> 00:26:32,347
AND TURN THE GAS OFF
BEFORE YOU LEAVE!
627
00:26:32,390 --> 00:26:33,448
ALL RIGHT!
628
00:26:33,491 --> 00:26:34,719
I FOUGHT IT WITH
ALL MY STRENGTH
629
00:26:34,759 --> 00:26:35,783
BUT IT WAS
TOO MUCH FOR ME.
630
00:26:35,827 --> 00:26:36,816
ITS SUPERNATURAL POWERS...
631
00:26:36,861 --> 00:26:39,261
Another clear round
632
00:26:39,297 --> 00:26:41,697
for Harvey Smith on O'Malley.
633
00:26:41,733 --> 00:26:47,569
And now it's Mrs. David
Barker riding Atalanta, number three.
634
00:26:52,477 --> 00:26:54,274
RIGHT! THAT'S IT.
635
00:26:54,312 --> 00:26:55,904
COME ON, OUT, OUT,
ALL OF YOU!
636
00:26:55,947 --> 00:26:57,574
GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!
COME ON!
637
00:26:57,616 --> 00:26:58,708
HARVEY SMITH...
638
00:26:58,750 --> 00:27:00,115
GET OUT OF THERE!
639
00:27:00,185 --> 00:27:02,415
IT'S ONE OF OUR
MOST POPULAR PROGRAMS.
640
00:27:02,454 --> 00:27:04,081
THAT'S WHAT YOU
THINK, MR. FOX.
641
00:27:04,122 --> 00:27:07,057
WELL, THAT'S ALL FROM
BBC TELEVISION FOR THIS EVENING.
642
00:27:07,092 --> 00:27:08,354
COME ON!
GET OUT! OUT!
643
00:27:08,393 --> 00:27:10,361
GET OUT
OF MY HOUSE!
644
00:27:10,395 --> 00:27:11,692
OUT! OUT!
645
00:27:11,730 --> 00:27:13,095
GET OUT!
646
00:27:56,841 --> 00:27:58,741
TONIGHT, FROM LONDON
647
00:27:58,777 --> 00:28:00,267
YOUR SPECIAL GUESTS ARE
648
00:28:00,311 --> 00:28:02,074
LULU...
649
00:28:02,113 --> 00:28:04,411
RINGO STARR...
650
00:28:04,449 --> 00:28:06,974
AND THE MAN YOU'VE ALL
BEEN WAITING FOR...
651
00:28:07,018 --> 00:28:08,679
YOUR HOST FOR TONIGHT...
652
00:28:14,259 --> 00:28:15,556
LOVE THE OUTFIT, DEAR.
653
00:28:15,593 --> 00:28:16,651
IT'S GORGEOUS.
654
00:28:16,695 --> 00:28:18,959
HELLO. GOOD EVENING.
WELCOME.
655
00:28:18,997 --> 00:28:20,555
IT'S...
656
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:30,000
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll