GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO THE MONEY PROGRAMME.
TONIGHT ON THE MONEY PROGRAMME, WE'RE GOING TO LOOK AT MONEY...
LOTS OF IT, ON FILM AND IN THE STUDIO
SOME OF IT IN NICE PILES
OTHERS IN LOVELY CLANKY BITS OF LOOSE CHANGE
SOME OF IT NEATLY COUNTED INTO FAT LITTLE HUNDREDS
DELICATE FIVERS STUFFED INTO BULGING WALLETS
NICE, CRISP, CLEAN CHECKS
PERT PIECES OF COPPER COINAGE THRUST DEEP INTO TROUSER POCKETS
ROMANTIC FOREIGN MONEY ROLLING AGAINST THE THIGH
WITH ROUGH FAMILIARITY
BEAUTIFUL WAYWARD CURLICUED BANK NOTES
FILIGREE COPPER-PLATING CHEEK BY JOWL
WITH TUMBLING HEXAGONAL-MILLED EDGES
RUBBING GENTLY AGAINST THE TERSE LEATHER
OF BEAUTIFULLY BALANCED BANK BOOKS!
I'M SORRY.
BUT I LOVE MONEY...
ALL MONEY.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED MONEY TO HANDLE, TO TOUCH
THE SMELL OF THE RAIN-WASHED FLORIN
THE LURE OF THE LIRA
THE GLITTER AND THE GLORY OF THE GUINEA
THE ROMANCE OF THE RUBLE, THE FEEL OF THE FRANC
THE HEEL OF THE DEUTSCHE MARK
THE COLD ANTISEPTIC STING OF THE SWISS FRANC
AND THE SUNBURNED SPLENDOR OF THE AUSTRALIAN DOLLAR.
NOW...
IT'S...
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
I BLING A DISPATCH FLOM PRYMOUTH.
"FLOM PRYMOUTH"?
FLOM SIL FLANCIS DLAKE.
ENTEL AND APPLOACH THE THLONE.
WHAT NEWS FLOM PRYMOUTH?
DLAKE HAS SIGHTED THE SPANISH FREET, YOUL MAJESTY.
SO! PHIRIP'S GARREONS ALE HELE.
HOW MANY?
ONE HUNDLED AND THILTY-SIX MEN OF WAL
BROODY HERR.
IS DLAKE PLEPALED?
HE HAS OLDELED THE WHORE FREET INTO THE BLITISH CHANNER.
SO, WE MUST TO TIRBULY.
REICESTEL!
SIL WARTEL LAREIGH!
GROUCESTER! WE SHARR LIDE TO...
GROUCESTEL! GROUCESTEL!
NOT "GROUCESTER!"
COME ON. RET'S GET ONE LIGHT.
REICESTEL!
THAT WAS TELLIBER.
WHAT?
TELLIBER.
WHEN YOU HAVE THE RINE
LING YOUR BERR.
LING MY BERR?
LING, LING. RIKE THIS.
AND CUT THE BROODY HERR.
ERIZABETH!
YES?
YOU SHOULD BE ON A BICYCER.
WHY?!
YOU ROOK ODD RIKE THAT.
I DO NOT LOOK ODD LIKE THIS.
IT'S THAT LOT THAT LOOKS ODD.
IT'S BLEEDING WEIRD HAVING HALF THE TUDOR NOBILITY
LIGGING AROUND ON MOTORIZED BICYCLES!
IT'S VELY SULLEARIST.
HORSE FEATHERS!
LISTEN, MATE, I'M BEGINNING
TO HAVE MY DOUBTS ABOUT YOU.
WHAT YOU MEAN?
I'M TELLING YOU STRAIGHT, MATE.
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE LUCHINO VISCONTI AT ALL.
OH, OF COULSE, I AM.
ME VELY IMPOLTANT ITARIAN FIRM DILECTOL.
YOU ARE A NIP.
LUBBISH!
ME GENUINE WOP!
HE'S BLUFFING.
OH, IS THAT THE TIME?
I MUST FRY.
NOT SO FAST, YAKOMOTO.
SHUT UP!
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I AM INSPECTOR LEOPARD OF SCOTLAND YARD
SPECIAL FRAUD FILM DIRECTOR SQUAD.
LEOPARD OF THE YARD?!
THE SAME, ONLY MORE VIOLENT.
RIGHT, SLIT-EYES YAKOMOTO, I'M ARRESTING YOU
FOR THE IMPERSONATION OF SIGNOR LUCHINO VISCONTI
FAMOUS ITALIAN DIRECTOR OF SUCH MOVIE CLASSICS
AS OBSESSIONE, 1942
LA TERRA TREMA, 1948
AND BELLISSIMA, 1951...
A SATISFYINGLY IRONIC SLICE-OF-LIFE DRAMA.
1957 BROUGHT TO THE SILVER SCREEN
HIS I BIANCHE NOTTE, ADAPTED BY DOSTOYEVSKY
A MANNERED AND ROMANTIC MELANCHOLY OF SNOW AND MISTS
AND MOONLIT ENCOUNTERS ON CANAL BRIDGES.
BOCCACCIO 7O FOLLOWED FIVE YEARS LATER
AND THE FOLLOWING YEAR SAW...
THE LEOPARD!
SO IMPRESSED WAS I
WITH THIS MOTION PICTURE TREATMENT OF THE RISORGIMENTO
THAT I WENT ALONG TO SOMERSET HOUSE
AND CHANGED ME OWN NAME TO "LEOPARD"
PREFERRING IT TO ME ORIGINAL HANDLE, "PANTHER."
I DIGRESS.
1969 SAW THE DAMNED, A GOTTERDAMMERUNG EPIC
OF POLITICAL AND INDUSTRIAL SHENANIGANS
IN GOOD OLD NAZI GERMANY
STARRING HELMUT BERGER AS A STINKING TRANSVESTITE
WHAT SHOULD HAVE HIS FACE SAWN OFF
THE CURVACEOUS CHARLOTTE RAMPLING AS A BIT OF TAIL
AND THE IMPECCABLE DIRK BOGARDE AS VON ESSEN.
THE ASSOCIATION OF THE LATTER WITH SIGNOR VISCONTI
FRUCTIFIED WITH DIRK'S MAGNIFICENT PORTRAYAL
OF THE ELDERLY POUF WHAT EXPIRES IN VENICE.
AND SO, YAKOMOTO...
BLIMEY! HE GONE!
NEVER MIND.
I'LL HAVE YOU INSTEAD.
I HAVEN'T TIME TO GO CHASING AFTER HIM.
THERE'S VIOLENCE TO BE DONE.
OH, YES.
ALL RIGHT, BUSTER.
HANDS UP!
I would like to ask the team
what they would do if they were Hitler.
Gerald?
Well, I'd, uh... annex the Sudetenland
and sign a nonaggression pact with Russia.
Norman?
Well, I'd do the Reichstag bathroom in purples and golds
and ban abortion on demand.
LIBERAL RUBBISH!
KLAUS, WHAT YOU WANT WITH YOUR JUGGED FISH?
HALIBUT.
THE JUGGED FISH IS HALIBUT.
WELL, WHAT FISH YOU GOT THAT ISN'T JUGGED THEN?
RABBIT.
WHAT? RABBIT FISH?
YES. IT'S GOT FINS.
IS IT DEAD?
WELL, IT WAS COUGHING UP BLOOD LAST NIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL HAVE THE DEAD UN JUGGED RABBIT FISH.
WELL, THAT WAS REALLY HORRIBLE.
OH, YOU'RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING.
WHAT'S FOR AFTERS?
WELL, THERE'S RAT CAKE, RAT SORBET
RAT PUDDING OR STRAWBERRY TART.
STRAWBERRY TART?!
WELL, IT'S GOT SOME RAT IN IT.
HOW MUCH?
THREE.
IT'S RATHER A LOT, REALLY.
WELL, I'LL HAVE A SLICE WITHOUT SO MUCH RAT IN IT.
APPALLING.
MOAN, MOAN, MOAN.
HELLO, MUM. HELLO, DAD.
HELLO, SON.
THERE'S A DEAD BISHOP ON THE LANDING.
WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHAT'S ITS DIOCESE?
WELL, IT LOOKED A BIT BATH AND WELLSISH TO ME.
I'LL GO AND HAVE A LOOK.
I DON'T KNOW WHO KEEPS BRINGING THEM IN HERE.
WELL, IT'S NOT ME.
I PUT THREE OUT BY THE BIN
AND THE DUSTMEN WON'T TOUCH 'EM.
LEICESTER. HOW'D YOU KNOW?
TATTOOED ON THE BACK OF HIS NECK.
I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE.
SHOULDN'T YOU CALL THE CHURCH?
CALL THE CHURCH POLICE.
ALL RIGHT. THE CHURCH POLICE!
YES?
THERE'S ANOTHER... THERE'S A DEAD BISHOP...
SUFFRAGAN?
THERE'S ANOTHER DEAD BISHOP ON THE LANDING.
SUFFRAGAN OR DIOCESAN?
HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
ITS TATTOOED ON THE BACK OF THEIR NECKS.
ERE!
IS THAT RAT TART?
YES.
DISGUSTING.
RIGHT!
THE HUNT IS ON.
OH, LORD, WE BESEECH THEE...
TELL US WHO CROAKED LEICESTER.
ALL RIGHT, IT'S A FAIR COP
BUT SOCIETY IS TO BLAME.
AGREED.
I WOULD LIKE THE THREE BY THE BIN
TO BE TAKEN INTO CONSIDERATION.
RIGHT. AND NOW, I'D LIKE TO CONCLUDE THIS ARREST
WITH A HYMN.
OH, SHUT UP!
THANK YOU.
WHAT?
ERE. OH, OOH.
OW! OH. AH, OH...
OH!
OH, OH, WHOA! OH.
OH! WHOA!
OH. OH-OH.
OH, OH, OH!
OH! OOH! OH!
WHEE-HEE-HEE! WHOA!
YAHOO!
YAY!
WHEE!
MEANWHILE, IN THE JUNGLE NEXT DOOR...
WHAT A SIMPLY SUPER LITTLE PLACE.
YES. THEY'VE DONE WONDERS WITH IT.
YOU KNOW, THIS USED TO BE ONE
OF THE MOST SWAMPY, DISEASE-INFESTED AREAS OF THE WHOLE JUNGLE
AND THEY'VE TURNED IT INTO THIS SMASHING LITTLE RESTAURANT.
HERE YOU ARE, OMKAMI. THANK YOU.
WELL, HELLO, MR. AKWEKWE.
HELLO THERE, MR. SPARE-BUTTONS- SUPPLIED-WITH-THE-SHIRT.
NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
THESE ARE SOME OF MY FELLOW EXPLORERS.
SIR CHARLES FARQUARSON, BRIAN BAILEY, BETTY BAILEY
AND THIS IS MR. AKWEKWE WHO STARTED THE WHOLE PLACE.
IT REALLY IS SUPER.
OH, TERRIFIC IDEA.
THANK YOU ALL.
MAY I RECOMMEND THE ALLIGATOR PUREES?
NOW THEN, HAVE YOU DECIDED?
UH, YES. WELL, THERE'S TWO AVOCADO VINAIGRETTE HERE
AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE, BRIAN?
UH, QUICHE LORRAINE FOR ME, PLEASE.
RIGHT. SO THAT'S TWO AVOCADO, ONE QUICHE.
SO, THAT'S TWO AVOCADO, ONE QUICHE.
AND A SOUP OF THE DAY.
RIGHT.
AND TO FOLLOW?
UH, TWO CHICKEN A LA REINE, PLEASE.
UH, WITH SAUCE PROVENCAL, PLEASE.
AND ONE SCAMPI DESIREE.
AND A BOEUF BOURGUIGNON WITH A GREEN SALAD.
RIGHT ON.
TWO CHICKEN, ONE SCAMPI
ONE BOEUF WITH THE GREEN SALAD.
THERE MAY BE...
A LITTLE DELAY.
THAT'S FINE, BUT WE HAVE TO BE OUT BY 3:00.
YES, SIR. YES. WE'LL TRY.
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE
THAT THE NEXT SCENE IS NOT CONSIDERED SUITABLE
FOR FAMILY VIEWING.
IT CONTAINS SCENES OF VIOLENCE
INVOLVING PEOPLE'S HEADS AND ARMS GETTING CHOPPED OFF
THEIR EARS NAILED TO TREES
AND THEIR TOENAILS PULLED OUT IN SLOWMOTION.
THERE ARE ALSO SCENES OF NAKED WOMEN WITH FLOPPY BREASTS.
AND ALSO AT ONE POINT, YOU CAN SEE A PAIR OF BUTTOCKS
AND THERE'S ANOTHER BIT WHERE I SWEAR YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING
BUT MY FRIEND SAYS IT'S JUST THE WA Y HE'S HOLDING THE SPEAR.
BECAUSE OF THE UNSUITABILITY OF THE SCENE
THE BBC WILL BE REPLACING IT
WITH A SCENE FROM A REPEAT OF GARDENING CLUB FOR 1958.
AND NOW, BACK TO THE STORY.
THAT WAS A NASTY BUSINESS BACK AT THE RESTAURANT.
YES. I THOUGHT MOST PLACES TOOK BARCLAYCARD NOWADAYS.
WHERE DO YOU THINK THEY'RE TAKING US, BRIAN?
GOD KNOWS.
LOOK!
THE SACRED VOLCANO ANDU!
WHICH NO MAN HAS SEEN BEFORE.
NO, NO, NO. NEXT TO THAT.
NO, NO, NO, NO. NEXT TO THAT.
THE FORBIDDEN PLATEAU OF ROIURAMA.
THE LOST WORLD.
THROWN UP BY MIGHTY EARTH MOVEMENTS
THOUSANDS OF MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO.
WHERE STRANGE PRIMEVAL CREATURES DEFYING EVOLUTION
LURK IN THE DARK, IMPENETRABLE FORESTS
CUT OFF FOREVER FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD.
I STILL CAN'T SEE IT.
YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S WHERE THEY'RE TAKING US.
YES. AND GOD KNOWS WHAT WE'LL FIND THERE.
WHAT PAGE, PLEASE?
WHAT?
WHAT PAGE IN THE SCRIPT?
PAGE SEVEN.
"COME ON, YOU DOGS. WE HAVE FAR TO GO.
WE MUST LOSE NO TIME."
COME ON, YOU DOGS. WE HAVE FAR TO GO.
WE MUST LOSE NO TIME.
COME ON, YOU...
COME ON, YOU DOGS.
WE HAVE TIME TO LOSE.
THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR.
MEANWHILE, BACK IN LONDON
AT THE BRITISH EXPLORERS CLUB IN THE MALL...
ANY NEWS OF BETTY BAILEY'S EXPEDITION, HARGREAVES?
UH...
PAGE... PAGE NINE.
OH, THANK YOU.
UH... THE LOST WORLD OF ROIURAMA.
THAT'S... THAT'S MY LINE.
OH. SORRY.
WHERE WERE THEY GOING, SIR?
THE LOST WORLD OF ROIURAMA.
YES, SIR. WE'VE GOT A TELEGRAM.
OH.
"READS IT."
"EXPEDITION SUPERB, WEATHER EXCELLENT.
EVERYTHING WONDERFUL."
I WONDER WHAT'S GONE WRONG.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, BE CAREFUL...
WAIT A MINUTE.
I'M GOING TO GO AFTER THEM.
OH! FOR GOD'S SAKE, BE CAREFUL.
MY GOD, BETTY, WE'RE DONE FOR.
WE'LL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE.
WE'RE COMPLETELY LOST. LOST!
EVEN THE NATIVES HAVE GONE.
GOOD-BYE, BETTY.
GOOD-BYE, FARQUARSON.
GOOD-BYE, BRIAN.
IT'S BEEN A GREAT EXPEDITION.
GREAT EXPEDITION.
ALL THAT'LL BE LEFT OF US IS A MAP, A COMPASS
AND A FEW FEET OF FILM RECORDING OUR LAST MOMENTS.
WAIT A MINUTE!
WHAT IS IT?
IF WE'RE ON FILM...
THERE MUST BE SOMEONE FILMING US.
MY GOD, BETTY!
YOU'RE RIGHT!
LOOK! HELLO!
GREAT TO SEE YOU!
SUPER TO SEE YOU.
SUPER!
HOW ARE YOU, MATES?
JOLLY GOOD!
WAIT A MINUTE!
WHAT IS IT AGAIN?
IF THIS IS THE CREW WHO WERE FILMING US...
WHO'S FILMING US NOW?
LOOK!
CUT THERE, MAN.
CUT THERE.
NO... NO GOOD.
HOW WE GOING TO GET THAT FEELING
OF PERSONAL ALIENATION OF SELF FROM SOCIETY
WITH THIS LOAD OF BULLDOG DRUMMOND CRAP?
WHEN I WAS DOING LA NOTTE WITH THAT MONICA VITTI GAL
SHE DIDN'T GIVE ME
NONE OF THIS EMPIRE-BUILDING SHIT, MAN.
NOT SO FAST, AKARUMBA.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M INSPECTOR BABOON
OF SCOTLAND YARD'S SPECIAL FRAUD FILM DIRECTOR'S SQUAD.
JUNGLE DIVISION.
BABOON OF THE YARD!
SHUT UP!
RIGHT, AKARUMBA.
I'M ARRESTING YOU FOR IMPERSONATING SIGNOR MICHELANGELO ANTONIONI
AN ITALIAN FILM DIRECTOR
WHO CO-SCRIPTS ALL HIS OWN FILMS
LARGELY JETTISONING NARRATIVE IN FAVOR OF VAGUE INCIDENT
AND RELENTLESS CHARACTER STUDY.
IN HIS FIRST FILM CRONACA DI UN AMORE, 1915
THE COUPLE ARE BROUGHT TOGETHER BY A SHARED IRRATIONAL GUILT.
LE AMICHE FOLLOWED IN 1955
AND 1959 SAW THE FIRST OF ANTONIONI'S WORLD-FAMOUS TRILOGY
L'A VVENTURA, AN ACUTE STUDY OF BOREDOM, RESTLESSNESS
AND THE FUTILITIES AND AGONIES OF PURPOSELESS LIVING.
IN L'ECLISSE THREE YEARS LATER
THIS ANALYSIS OF THE SENTIMENTS WAS TAKEN UP ONCE AGAIN.
"WE DO NOT HAVE TO KNOW EACH OTHER TO LOVE," SAYS THE HEROINE
"AND PERHAPS, WE DO NOT HAVE TO LOVE."
THE ECLIPSE OF THE EMOTIONS FINALLY CASTS ITS SHADOW
WHEN DARKNESS DESCENDS...
SIGNOR ANTONIONI FIRST MAKES USE OF COLOR TO UNDERLINE...
AND NOW ON BBC 1
ANOTHER SIX MINUTES OF MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
YES, SIR.
I'D LIKE TO HAVE AN ARGUMENT, PLEASE.
CERTAINLY, SIR.
HAVE YOU BEEN HERE BEFORE?
NO. THIS IS MY FIRST TIME.
I SEE. DO YOU WANT TO HAVE THE FULL ARGUMENT
OR WERE YOU THINKING OF TAKING A COURSE?
WELL, WHAT WOULD BE THE COST?
WELL, YES, IT'S FIVE...
IT'S ONE POUND FOR A FIVE-MINUTE ARGUMENT
BUT ONLY EIGHT POUNDS FOR A COURSE OF TEN.
MMM... WELL, I THINK IT'S PROBABLY BEST
IF I START WITH THE ONE
AND SEE HOW IT GOES FROM THERE, OKAY?
FINE. I'LL SEE WHO'S FREE AT THE MOMENT.
UH... MR. DU-BAKEY'S FREE
BUT HE'S A LITTLE BIT CONCILIATORY.
MMM.
YES, UH, TRY MR. BARNARD... ROOM 12.
THANK YOU.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
WELL, I WAS TOLD OUTSIDE...
DON'T GIVE ME THAT
YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!
WHAT?
SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT!
YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE!
YOU VACUOUS, TOFFEE-NOSED, MALODOROUS PERVERT!
WHAT?!
I CAME IN HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT!
OH! OH, I'M SORRY.
THIS IS ABUSE.
OH. OH, I SEE.
THAT EXPLAINS IT.
NO. YOU WANT 12A NEXT DOOR.
I SEE.
SORRY.
NOT AT ALL.
YEAH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
STUPID GIT.
COME IN.
IS THIS THE RIGHT ROOM FOR AN ARGUMENT?
I'VE TOLD YOU ONCE.
NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
YES, I HAVE.
WHEN?
JUST NOW.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
YES, I DID. DIDN'T.
DID. DIDN'T.
I'M TELLING YOU I DID.
YOU DID NOT.
I'M SORRY, IS THIS
A FIVE-MINUTE ARGUMENT
OR THE FULL HALF HOUR?
OH! OH. JUST THE FIVE-MINUTE ONE.
FINE.
THANK YOU.
ANYWAY, I DID.
YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT.
NOW, LET'S GET ONE THING QUITE CLEAR.
I MOST DEFINITELY TOLD YOU.
YOU DID NOT. YES, I DID.
DIDN'T. YES, I DID.
LOOK, THIS ISN'T AN ARGUMENT.
YES, IT IS. NO, IT ISN'T.
IT'S JUST CONTRADICTION. NO, IT ISN'T.
YES, IT IS. IT IS NOT.
IT IS! YOU JUST CONTRADICTED ME.
NO, I DIDN'T.
OH, YOU DID.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU DID JUST THEN.
NO, NO, NONSENSE.
OH, WELL, THIS IS FUTILE.
NO, IT ISN'T.
I CAME HERE FOR A GOOD ARGUMENT.
NO, YOU DIDN'T. YOU CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT.
WELL, ARGUE IS NOT THE SAME AS CONTRADICTION.
IT CAN BE.
NO, IT CAN'T.
AN ARGUMENT'S A COLLECTED SERIES OF STATEMENTS
TO ESTABLISH A DEFINITE PROPOSITION.
NO, IT ISN'T. YES, IT IS.
IT ISN'T JUST CONTRADICTION.
LOOK, IF I ARGUE WITH YOU
I MUST TAKE UP A CONTRARY POSITION.
BUT IT ISN'T JUST SAYING, "NO, IT ISN'T."
YES, IT IS.
NO, IT ISN'T.
ARGUMENT'S AN INTELLECTUAL PROCESS.
CONTRADICTION IS JUST THE AUTOMATIC GAINSAYING
OF ANYTHING THE OTHER PERSON SAYS.
NO, IT ISN'T. YES, IT IS.
NOT AT ALL. NOW, LOOK...
THANK YOU.
GOOD MORNING.
WHAT?
THAT'S IT.
GOOD MORNING.
BUT I WAS JUST GETTING INTERESTED.
SORRY. THE FIVE MINUTES IS UP.
THAT WAS NEVER FIVE MINUTES JUST NOW.
AFRAID IT WAS.
NO, IT WASN'T.
SORRY, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ARGUE ANYMORE.
WHAT?!
IF YOU WANT ME TO GO ON ARGUING
YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY FOR ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES.
BUT THAT WAS NEVER FIVE MINUTES JUST NOW.
OH, COME ON!
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I'M VERY SORRY, BUT I TOLD YOU
I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ARGUE UNLESS YOU PAY.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
THERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU.
WELL?
WELL WHAT?
THAT WAS NEVER FIVE MINUTES JUST NOW.
I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ARGUE UNLESS YOU PAY.
I JUST PAID. NO, YOU DIDN'T.
I DID. I DID! I DID!
LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO ARGUE ABOUT THAT.
WELL, I'M VERY SORRY, BUT YOU DIDN'T PAY.
AHA! WELL, IF I DIDN'T PAY, WHY ARE YOU ARGUING?
GOT YOU.
NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
YES, I HAVE.
IF YOU'RE ARGUING, I MUST'VE PAID.
NOT NECESSARILY.
I COULD BE ARGUING
IN MY SPARE TIME.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.
NO, YOU HAVEN'T. OH, SHUT UP.
I WANT TO COMPLAIN.
YOU WANT TO COMPLAIN? LOOK AT THESE SHOES.
I'VE ONLY HAD THEM THREE WEEKS
AND THE HEELS ARE WORN RIGHT THROUGH.
NO, I WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT...
IF YOU COMPLAIN, NOTHING HAPPENS
YOU MIGHT JUST AS WELL NOT BOTHER
AND MY BACK HURTS...
I WANT TO COM... OW!
NO, NO. HOLD YOUR HEAD
LIKE THIS AND THEN GO, "WAH!"
TRY IT AGAIN. WHOA!
BETTER, BETTER, BUT, "WAH! WAH!"
HOLD YOUR HANDS HERE.
NO. NOW...
NO, THAT'S IT, THAT'S IT! GOOD!
STOP HITTING ME! WHAT?
STOP HITTING ME.
STOP HITTING YOU? YES.
WELL, UH, WHAT DID YOU COME IN HERE FOR?
I CAME HERE TO COMPLAIN.
OH, I'M SORRY. THAT'S NEXT DOOR.
IT'S BEING HIT ON THE HEAD LESSONS IN HERE.
WHAT A STUPID CONCEPT.
RIGHT. HOLD IT THERE.
WHAT? WHAT?
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M INSPECTOR FOX OF THE LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT POLICE
COMEDY DIVISION, SPECIAL FLYING SQUAD.
FLYING FOX OF THE YARD?!
SHUT UP! OH!
NO, NO, NO, NO. "WAH!"
AND YOU!
HE'S GOOD.
YOU COULD LEARN A THING OR TWO FROM HIM.
RIGHT, NOW YOU TWO, ME OLD BEAUTIES, YOU ARE NICKED.
WHAT FOR?
I'M CHARGING YOU UNDER SECTION 21 OF THE STRANGE SKETCH ACT.
THE WHAT?
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED
THAT YOU DID WILLFULLY TAKE PART IN A STRANGE SKETCH.
THAT IS A SKIT, SPOOF OR HUMOROUS VIGNETTE
OF AN UNCONVENTIONAL NATURE
WITH INTENT TO CAUSE GRIEVOUS MENTAL CONFUSION
TO THE GREAT BRITISH PUBLIC.
EVENING, ALL.
IT'S A FAIR COP.
AND YOU TOSH!
WAH!
THAT'S EXCELLENT!
RIGHT, COME ON DOWN TO THE YARD.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.
I'M INSPECTOR THOMPSON'S GAZELLE
OF THE PROGRAMME PLANNING POLICE
LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT DIVISION, SPECIAL FLYING SQUAD.
FLYING THOMPSON'S GAZELLLE OF THE YARD?
SHUT UP!
AHH!
HE... HE'S GOOD.
SHUT UP. WOW!
ROTTEN.
AHH!
GOOD.
RIGHT. I'M ARRESTING THIS ENTIRE SHOW
ONE, ACTS OF SELF- CONSCIOUS BEHAVIOR
CONTRARY TO THE "NOT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN" ACT
TWO, ALWAYS SAYING, "IT'S SO AND SO OF THE YARD"
EVERY TIME THE FUZZ ARRIVES
AND THREE... AND THIS IS THE CRUNCHER...
OFFENSES AGAINST THE "GETTING OUT OF SKETCHES
WITHOUT USING A PROPER PUNCH LINE ACT."
NAMELY SIMPLY ENDING EVERY BLEEDING SKETCH
BY JUST HAVING A POLICEMAN COME IN AND...
WAIT A MINUTE.
HOLD IT.
IT'S A FAIR COP.
AND NOW ON BBC 1
ONE MORE MINUTE OF MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll