AND NOW...
IT'S...
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUSES.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
GOOD EVENING
AND WELCOME TO THE ARTHUR LUDLOW MEMORIAL BATHS, NEWPORT
FOR THIS YEAR'S FINALS
OF THE ALL-ENGLAND SUMMARIZE PROUST COMPETITION.
AS YOU MA Y REMEMBER, EACH CONTESTANT HAS TO GIVE
A BRIEF SUMMARY OF PROUST'S A LA RECHERCHE DU TEMPS PERDU
ONCE IN A SWIMSUIT AND ONCE IN EVENING DRESS.
THE FIELD HAS NOW NARROWED TO THREE FINALISTS
AND YOURJUDGES TONIGHTARE
ALEC AND ERIC BEDSER, EX-SURREY CRICKETERS;
STEWART SURRIDGE, EX-CAPTAIN OF SURREY;
OMAR SHARIF; LAURIE FISHLOCK, EX-SURREY OPENING BATSMAN;
PETER MAY, THE FORMER SURREY AND ENGLAND CAPTAIN;
AND YEHUDI MENUHIN, THE WORLD-FAMOUS VIOLINIST
AND THE PRESIDENT OF THE SURREY CRICKET CLUB.
AND RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME TO MEET YOUR HOST FOR TONIGHT
ARTHUR MEE!
GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME.
WHEREAS PROUST WOULD SAY, "LE MALADE IMAGINAIRE
"DE RECONDITION ET DE TOUTE SURVEILLANCE
EST BIENTOT LA MEME CHOSE. "
REMEMBER, EACH CONTESTANT THIS EVENING
HAS A MAXIMUM OF 15 SECONDS TO SUMMARIZE
A LA RECHERCHE DU TEMPS PERDU
AND ON THE PROUSTOMETER HERE
YOU CAN SEE EXACTLY HOW FAR HE GETS.
SO LET'S CRACK STRAIGHT ON WITH OUR FIRST CONTESTANT TONIGHT.
HE'S LAST YEAR'S SEMIFINALIST, FROM LUTON, MR. HARRY BAGOT.
HELLO, HARRY.
NOW, THERE'S THE SUMMARIZING SPOT.
YOU'RE ON THE SUMMARIZING SPOT.
15 SECONDS FROM... NOW!
PROUST'S NOVEL OSTENSIBLY TELLS
OF THE IRREVOCABILITY OF TIME LOST
THE FORFEITURE OF INNOCENCE THROUGH EXPERIENCE
THE REINSTALLMENT OF EXTRATEMPORAL VALUES OF TIME REGAINED.
ULTIMATELY THE NOVEL IS BOTH OPTIMISTIC
AND SET WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF A HUMANE RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE
RESTATING AS IT DOES THE CONCEPT OF INTEMPORALITY.
IN THE FIRST VOLUME, SWANN, THE FAMILY FRIEND, VISITS...
WELL TRIED, HARRY.
A GOOD ATTEMPT THERE
BUT UNFORTUNATELY HE CHOSE A GENERAL APPRAISAL OF THE WORK
BEFORE GETTING ON TO THE STORY, AND AS YOU CAN SEE
HE ONLY GOT AS FAR AS PAGE ONE OF SWANN'S WAY
THE FIRST OF THE SEVEN VOLUMES.
A GOOD TRY, THOUGH, AND VERY NICE POSTURE.
HARRY BAGOT, YOU'RE FROM LUTON?
YES, ARTHUR, YEAH.
NOW, HARRY, WHAT MADE YOU FIRST WANT TO TRY
AND START SUMMARIZING PROUST?
WELL, I FIRST ENTERED
A SEASIDE SUMMARIZING PROUST COMPETITION
WHEN I WAS ON HOLIDAY IN BOURNEMOUTH
AND MY DOCTOR ENCOURAGED ME WITH IT.
AND, HARRY, WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES OUTSIDE SUMMARIZING?
WELL, THERE'S GOLF, AND STRANGLING ANIMALS.
WELL, THERE HE GOES... HARRY BAGOT.
HE MUST HAVE LET HIMSELF DOWN A BIT ON THE HOBBIES.
GOLF'S NOT VERY POPULAR AROUND HERE.
BUT NEVER MIND, A GOOD TRY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR. RUTHERFORD, FROM LEICESTER.
ARE YOU READY, RONALD?
YEAH, YEAH.
RIGHT, AT YOUR SUMMARIZING SPOT.
YOU HAVE GOT 15 SECONDS FROM... NOW!
ER... OOH!
ER, OH, SWANN, SWANN!
ER, SWANN.
THERE'S THIS HOUSE... THERE'S THIS HOUSE, ER, AND...
IT'S IN THE MORNING, IT'S IN THE MORNING.
NO, NO, NO, IT'S IN THE EVENING...
IN THE EVENING, AND THEN THERE'S A GARDEN
UH... AND, ER, THIS BLOKE COMES IN...
BLOKE COMES IN.
WHAT'S HIS NAME? WHAT'S HIS NAME?
OH, GOD, JUST SAID IT, JUST SAID IT.
UH, BIG BLOKE... SWANN! SWANN!
OH, OUT OF TIME.
I'M SORRY, WE'RE OUT OF TIME.
AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE YOU TO WELCOME
THE LAST OF OUR ALL-ENGLAND FINALISTS THIS EVENING
FROM BINGLEY, THE BOLTON CHORAL SOCIETY
AND THEIR LEADER, SUPERINTENDENT McGOUGH.
ALL RIGHT, BINGLEY.
REMEMBER, YOU'VE GOT 15 SECONDS
TO SUMMARIZE PROUST IN THEIR ENTIRETY
STARTING FROM... NOW!
VERY AMBITIOUS TRY THERE
BUT IN FACT THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL OF THE EVENING.
THEY DIDN'T EVEN GET AS FAR AS THE FIRST VOLUME.
WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
I DON'T THINK ANY OF OUR CONTESTANTS THIS EVENING
HAVE SUCCEEDED IN ENCAPSULATING
THE INTRICACIES OF PROUST'S MASTERWORK.
SO I'M GOING TO AWARD THE FIRST PRIZE THIS EVENING
TO THE GIRL WITH THE BIGGEST TITS.
MOUNT EVEREST...
FORBIDDING, ALOOF, TERRIFYING.
THE MOUNTAIN WITH THE BIGGEST TITS IN THE WORLD.
START AGAIN!
MOUNT EVEREST...
FORBIDDING, ALOOF, TERRIFYING.
THIS YEAR, THIS REMOTE HIMALAYAN MOUNTAIN
THIS MYSTICAL TEMPLE
SURROUNDED BY THE MOST DIFFICULT TERRAIN IN THE WORLD
REPULSED YET ANOTHER ATTEMPT TO CONQUER IT
THIS TIME BY THE INTERNATIONAL HAIRDRESSERS' EXPEDITION.
IN SUCH FREEZING ADVERSE CONDITIONS
MAN COMES VERY CLOSE TO BREAKING POINT.
WHAT WAS THE REAL CAUSE OF THE DISHARMONY
WHICH DESTROYED THEIR CHANCES OF SUCCESS?
WELL, PEOPLE WOULD KEEP TAKING YOUR HAIRDRYER
AND NEVER RETURNING IT.
THERE WAS A LOT OF BITCHING IN THE TENTS.
YOU COULDN'T GET NEAR THE MIRROR.
THE LEADER OF THE EXPEDITION WAS
COLONEL SIR JOHN "TEASY WEASY" BUTLER
VETERAN OF K2, ANNAPURNA AND VIDALS.
HIS PLAN WAS TO IGNORE THE USUAL ROUTE ROUND THE SOUTH COL
AND TO MAKE STRAIGHT FOR THE TOP.
WELL, WE ESTABLISHED BASE SALON HERE
AND CLIMBED QUITE STEADILY UP TO MARIO'S, HERE.
FROM HERE, USING CRAMPONS AND CUTTING ICE STEPS AS WE WENT
WE MOVED STEADILY UP THE LHOTSE FACE TO THE NORTH RIDGE
ESTABLISHING CAMP III
WHERE WE COULD GET A HOT MEAL, A MANICURE AND A SHAMPOO AND SET.
COULD IT WORK?
COULD THIS 18-YEAR-OLD HAIRDRESSER FROM BRIXTON
SUCCEED WHERE OTHERS HAD FAILED?
THE SITUATION WAS COMPLICATED
BY THE IMMINENT ARRIVAL OF THE MONSOON STORMS.
PATRICE TAKES UP THE STORY.
WELL, WE KNEW AS WELL AS ANYONE THAT THE MONSOONS WERE DUE
BUT THE THING WAS
RICKY AND I HAD JUST HAD A BLOW-DRY AND RINSE
AND WE COULDN'T GO OUT FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.
AFTER A BLAZING ROW
THE GERMANS AND THE ITALIANS HAD TURNED BACK
TAKING WITH THEM THE LAST OF THE HAIRNETS.
ON THE THIRD DA Y, A BLIZZARD BLEW UP.
TEMPERATURES FELL TO MINUS 3O CENTIGRADE.
INSIDE THE LITTLE TENT, THINGS WERE GETTING DESPERATE.
WELL, THINGS HAVE GOT SO BAD
THAT WE'VE BEEN FORCED TO USE
THE LAST OF THE HEAVY OXYGEN EQUIPMENT
JUST TO KEEP THE DRYERS GOING.
CUP OF MILO, LOVE.
OH, SHE'S A TREAS.
BUT A NEW FACTOR HAD ENTERED THE RACE.
A TEAM OF FRENCH CHIROPODISTS
WORKING WITH BRAND-NEW CORN PLASTERS
AND DR. SCHOLL'S MOUNTAINEERING SANDALS
WERE COVERING GROUND FAST.
THE GLASGOW ORPHEUS MALE VOICE CHOIR WERE TACKLING
THE DIFFICULT NORTH COL.
ALTOGETHER 14 EXPEDITIONS WERE AT HIS HEELS.
THIS WAS IT.
RICK HAD TO MAKE A DECISION.
WELL, HE DECIDED TO OPEN A SALON.
IT WAS A TREMENDOUS SUCCESS.
CHALLENGING EVEREST?
WHY NOT DROP IN AT RICKY PULE'S...
ONLY 24,000 FEET FROM THIS CINEMA.
RICKY AND MAURICE OFFER A VARIETY OF STYLES
FOR THE WELL-GROOMED CLIMBER.
LIKE SHERPA TENZING AND SIR EDMUND HILLARY
BE NUMBER ONE ON TOP WHEN YOU'RE NUMBER ONE ON TOP.
THIS CINEMA IS PROUD TO PRESENT
20th-CENTURY FROG'S PRODUCTION:
OH, JAMES!
OH, BEATRICE!
OH... JAMES!
OH... OH, BEATRICE!
OH... OH, JAMES
I COULD MAKE SUCH A FOOL OF MYSELF OVER YOU.
OH, BEATRICE, DO... DO!
OH, YES, JAMES, YES!
OH, JAMES!
BEATRICE!
OH... JAMES!
BEATRICE!
OH... JAMES, I COULD MAKE SUCH A FOOL OF MYSELF OVER YOU.
OH, BEATRICE, DO... DO!
OH, YES, JAMES, YES!
OH... JAMES!
OH... BEATRICE!
OH... JAMES!
OH... BEATRICE!
OH, JAMES...
OH, SHUT UP!
HELLO, IS THAT THE FIRE BRIGADE?
NO, SORRY, WRONG NUMBER.
THAT PHONE'S NOT STOPPED RINGING ALL DAY.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'VE MIXED THE BATTER?
DO YOU DICE THE HAM WITH THE CORIANDER?
NO, NO, YOU PUT THEM IN SEPARATELY
WHEN THE VINE LEAVES ARE READY.
OH, NO, NOT AGAIN.
TAKE IT OFF THE HOOK.
I CAN'T GET THE FIRE BRIGADE, MERVYN.
HERE, LET ME TRY, DEAR.
YOU GO AND PLAY THE CELLO.
OH, IT DOESN'T DO ANY GOOD, DEAR.
LOOK, DO YOU WANT THAT LITTLE HAMSTER TO LIVE OR NOT?
YES, I DO, MERVYN.
WELL, GO AND PLAY THE CELLO!
HELLO?
HELLO, OPERATOR?
YES, WE'RE TRYING TO GET THE FIRE BRIGADE.
NO, THE FIRE BRIGADE.
YES... YES...
YES... YES... YES...
YES... YES... WHAT?
SIZE EIGHT.
YES... YES... YES...
NO, OF COURSE NOT.
YES...
HE'S GONE, DEAR.
WHAT?
HE'S SLIPPED AWAY.
WHAT?
THE SODDING HAMSTER'S DEAD!
OH, NO!
WHAT WERE YOU PLAYING?
SOME MOZART CONCERTOS, DEAR.
WHAT? HOW DID HE?
HIS EYES JUST CLOSED
AND HE FELL INTO THE WASTEPAPER BASKET.
I'VE COVERED HIM
WITH A COPY OF THE CHARLIE GEORGE FOOTBALL BOOK.
RIGHT, YOU HANG ON.
I MUST GO AND SEE HIM.
THERE WAS NOTHING WE COULD DO, MERVYN.
IF WE'D HAVE HAD THE WHOLE PHILHARMONIC ORCHESTRA IN THERE
HE'D STILL HAVE GONE.
I'M GOING UPSTAIRS.
I CAN'T BEAR IT.
THERE ISN'T AN UPSTAIRS, DEAR.
IT'S A BUNGALOW.
DAMN!
HELLO?
OH, I'M SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.
IT'S JUST THAT...
SIZE THREE, YES.
IT'S JUST, WE'VE LOST A DEAR ONE, AND MY SON WAS...
YES, THAT'S RIGHT, SIZE EIGHT, YES, AND...
OH, I SEE.
YES... YES... YES...
YES, YES...
YES... YES, I SEE, UH...
YES.
YES, I... I...
YES.
OH, YES... NO!
NO... YES... I SEE.
THEY CAN'T GET THE FIRE BRIGADE, MERVYN.
WILL THE BOYS' BRIGADE DO?
NO! THEY'D BE USELESS!
NO, HE DOESN'T WANT ANYONE AT THE MOMENT, THANK YOU.
NO... YES.
YES... NO, THANK YOU FOR TRYING.
YES.
YES...
NO, SAXONES.
YES.
YES, THANK YOU, BYE-BYE.
MUMMY!
OH, EAMONN!
MERVYN, LOOK, IT'S OUR EAMONN!
OH, LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
HOW WELL YOU'RE LOOKING.
TELL ME, HOW IS IT IN DUBLIN?
WELL, THINGS IS PRETTY BAD THERE AT THE MOMENT
BUT THERE DOES SEEM SOME HOPE
OF A CONSTITUTIONAL SETTLEMENT.
OH, DON'T TALK.
LET ME JUST LOOK AT YOU.
GREAT TO BE HOME, MUMMY.
HOW ARE YOU?
OH, I'M FINE.
I MUST JUST GO UPSTAIRS AND GET YOUR ROOM READY.
IT'S A BUNGALOW, MUMMY.
OH, DAMN, YES.
MERVYN, MERVYN, LOOK WHO'S HERE!
IT'S OUR EAMONN
COME BACK TO SEE US.
HELLO, EAMONN.
HELLO, MERV.
HOW WAS DUBLIN?
WELL, AS I WAS TELLING MUMMY HERE
THINGS IS PRETTY BAD THERE AT THE MOMENT
BUT THERE DOES SEEM
SOME HOPE OF A CONSTITUTIONAL SETTLEMENT.
HELLO?
YES?
YES.
WHAT?
SIZE SEVEN.
YES.
YES, YES!
YES.
IT'S THE FIRE BRIGADE.
THEY WANT TO KNOW
IF THEY CAN COME ROUND THURSDAY EVENING.
OH, NO.
THURSDAY'S THE INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS BILL DINNER DANCE.
CAN'T THEY MAKE IT ANOTHER DAY?
UH, HELLO?
NO, THURSDAY'S...
RIGHT OUT!
YES.
YES...
AND SO IT WAS
THAT THE FIRE BRIGADE EVENTUALLY CAME ROUND ON FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD COME.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DRINK?
GIN AND TONIC? SHERRY?
A DROP OF SHERRY WOULD BE LOVELY.
WE DO LIKE BEING CALLED OUT TO THESE LITTLE PARTIES.
THEY'RE MUCH BETTER THAN FIRES.
YES?
YES.
WELL, HOW WAS DUBLIN, EAMONN?
WELL, AS I WAS TELLING MUMMY AND MERVYN EARLIER
THINGS IS PRETTY BAD THERE AT THE MOMENT
BUT THERE DOES SEEM
SOME HOPE OF A CONSTITUTIONAL...
OH, LOOK AT THEM EN JOYING THEMSELVES.
YOU KNOW, I USED TO DREAD PARTIES
UNTIL I WATCHED PARTY HINTS BY VERONICA.
I THINK IT'S ON NOW.
HELLO.
LAST WEEK ON PARTY HINTS I SHOWED YOU
HOW TO MAKE A SMALL PLATE OF GOULASH GO ROUND 26 PEOPLE
HOW TO GET THE BEST OUT OF YOUR CANAPES
AND HOW TO UNBLOCK YOUR LOO.
THIS WEEK I'M GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO
IF THERE'S AN ARMED COMMUNIST UPRISING
NEAR YOUR HOME WHEN YOU'RE HAVING A PARTY.
WELL, OBVIOUSLY IT'LL DEPEND HOW FAR YOU'VE GOT WITH YOUR PARTY
WHEN THE SIGNAL FOR RED REVOLT IS RAISED.
IF YOU'RE JUST HAVING PRELIMINARY APERITIFS...
A DUBONNET, A SHERRY, OR A SPARKLING WHITE WINE...
THEN YOUR GUESTS WILL OBVIOUSLY BE IN A FAIRLY FORMAL MOOD
AND IT'LL BE DIFFICULT TO TELL
WHICH ARE THE COMMUNIST AGITATORS.
SO THE THING TO DO IS TO GET SOME CLOTH
AND SOME BITS OF OLD PAPER
PUT IT DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND SHOOT EVERYBODY.
THIS WILL DEAL WITH THE RED MENACE ON YOUR OWN DOORSTEP.
IF YOU'RE HAVING CANAPES, AS I SHOWED YOU LAST WEEK
OR AN OUTDOOR BARBECUE
THEN THE THING TO DO IS TO SET FIRE
TO ALL THE HOUSES IN THE STREET.
THIS WILL STIR UP ANTICOMMUNIST HATRED
AND YOUR NEIGHBORS WILL BE RIGHT WITH YOU
AS YOU ORGANIZE COUNTERREVOLUTIONARY TERROR.
SO YOU SEE, IF YOU ACT PROMPTLY ENOUGH
ANY LEFT-WING UPRISING CAN BE DEALT WITH
BY THE END OF THE PARTY.
BYE.
AH, SHE'S FINALLY GONE AWAY.
ALL RIGHT, COMRADES, TIME TO GO TO WORK.
HELLO, WE ARE SELLING COMMUNIST REVOLUTIONS.
WOULD YOU BY ANY CHANCE BE INTERESTED?
OH, YES, I'LL TAKE A DOZEN, PLEASE.
RIGHT.
ONE DOZEN COMMUNIST REVOLUTIONS COMING UP.
I GET IT!
COMMUNIST REVOLUTION!
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE PIECE OF FILTH.
GOD, I HATE YOU!
YOU MAKE ME WANT TO PUKE MY GUTS OUT!
WASN'T THAT CUTE?
REMEMBER, YOU TOO
CAN GET YOUR OWN PUTRID PETER DOLL
IN TIME TO PACIFY YOUR NEXT PARTY.
BUT WHY STOP THERE?
WHY NOT GET A BARRY BIGOT DOLL, TOO?
JUST WATCH THIS.
BLACK PEOPLE, BLACK PEOPLE.
RRRRHODESIAN.
KILL THE BLACKS. KILL THE BLACKS.
RRRRHODESIAN.
SMITH, SMITH.
KILL THE BLACKS WITHIN THE FIVE PRINCIPLES.
I'M AFRAID I CANNOT COMMENT ON THAT
UNTIL IT HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY HUSHED UP.
THIS IS OUR POLITICIANS' BOOTH.
WHILE THERE'S NO UNDUE CAUSE FOR CONCERN
THERE IS CERTAINLY NO ROOM FOR COMPLACENCY.
HA, HA, HA, HE, HE, HE.
I'LL GO TO THE FOOT OF OUR STAIRS.
EE ECKY THUMP.
PUT WOOD IN 'OLE, MUTHER.
YES, SORRY?
EE ECKY THUMP.
EE ECKY THUMP!
EXCELLENT!
IT'S A VERY QUICK METHOD OF LEARNING.
CAN YOU SMELL GAS, OR IS IT ME?
LOOKS JOLLY GOOD.
HELLO, BIG BOY.
OO, VARDA THE OME.
DO YOU WANT A NICE TIME?
VERY GOOD.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.
AND WE CONTROL EVERYTHING FROM HERE.
SUPERB.
WELL, WHAT SORT OF THING
WERE YOU LOOKING FOR?
WELL, REALLY SOMETHING
TO MAKE ME A LITTLE LESS INSIGNIFICANT.
OH, I SEE, SORT OF...
"NOW, LOOK HERE, YOU MAY BE CHAIRMAN
"BUT YOUR BLOODY PUSILLANIMOUS BEHAVIOR
MAKES ME VOMIT!"
THAT SORT OF THING?
NO, NO, NO, NOT REALLY, NO.
OH, I SEE, WELL, PERHAPS
SOMETHING A BIT MORE
SORT OF CLIVE JENKINS-ISH?
PERHAPS, SORT OF:
"MR. SMARMY SO- CALLED HAROLD WILSON
"CAN CALL HIMSELF PRAGMATIC
UNTIL HE'S BLUE IN THE BREAST!"
NO, NOT REALLY.
I REALLY WANT SOMETHING
THAT WILL MAKE PEOPLE
BE ATTRACTED TO ME LIKE A MAGNET.
OH, I SEE, WELL, YOU WANT OUR
"LIFE AND SOUL OF THE PARTY" TAPE THEN, I THINK.
WHAT'S THAT?
WELL, IT'S SORT OF:
HELLO, SQUIRE!
HAVEN'T SEEN YOU FOR A BIT!
HAVEN'T SEEN YOU FOR A BIT EITHER, BERYL.
TWO PINTS OF WALLOP, PLEASE, LOVE.
STILL DRIVING THE JENSEN, THEN?
CHEER UP, JACK, IT MAY NEVER HAPPEN.
WHAT'S YOUR POISON, THEN?
FANTASTIC, YES.
RIGHT, I'LL JUST SEE
IF WE'VE GOT THE TAPE.
START AGAIN.
MOUNT EVEREST... FORBIDDING, ALOOF, TERRIFYING.
THE HIGHEST PLACE ON EARTH.
NO, I'M SORRY, WE DON'T GO THERE.
GOOD MORNING.
OH, GOOD MORNING.
DO YOU WANT TO GO UPSTAIRS?
WHAT?
DO YOU WANT TO GO UPSTAIRS?
OR HAVE YOU COME
TO ARRANGE A HOLIDAY?
UH, TO ARRANGE A HOLIDAY.
OH, SORRY.
WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT GOING UPSTAIRS?
OH, NOTHING, NOTHING.
NOW, WHERE WERE YOU THINKING OF GOING?
INDIA.
AH, ONE OF OUR ADVENTURE HOLIDAYS.
YES.
WELL, YOU'D BETTER SPEAK
TO MR. BOUNDER ABOUT THAT.
MR. BOUNDER, THIS GENTLEMAN
IS INTERESTED IN THE INDIA OVERLAND.
AH, GOOD MORNING.
I'M BOUNDER OF ADVENTURE.
MORNING, MY NAME IS
SMOKE-TOO-MUCH.
WHAT?
MY NAME IS SMOKE-TOO-MUCH, MR. SMOKE-TOO-MUCH.
WELL, YOU'D BETTER CUT DOWN A BIT, THEN.
WHAT?
YOU'D BETTER CUT DOWN A BIT, THEN.
OH, I SEE.
CUT DOWN A BIT
FOR SMOKE-TOO-MUCH.
YES.
I EXPECT YOU GET PEOPLE
MAKING JOKES ABOUT YOUR NAME ALL THE TIME, EH?
NO, NO.
ACTUALLY, IT NEVER STRUCK ME BEFORE.
SMOKE... TOO... MUCH!
ANYWAY, YOU'RE INTERESTED IN ONE OF OUR ADVENTURE HOLIDAYS, EH?
YES, YES, I SAW YOUR ADVERT IN THE BOLOR SUPPLEMENT.
THE WHAT?
THE BOLOR SUPPLEMENT.
THE COLOR SUPPLEMENT?
YES, I'M SORRY
I CAN'T SAY THE LETTER "B."
"C."
YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S ALL DUE TO A TRAUMA I SUFFERED
WHEN I WAS A SPOOLBOY.
I WAS ATTACKED BY A BAT.
A CAT?
NO, A BAT.
CAN YOU SAY THE LETTER "K"?
OH, YES, KHAKI, KING, KETTLE, KUWAIT, KEBLE BOLLEGE OXFORD.
WHY DON'T YOU SAY THE LETTER "K" INSTEAD OF THE LETTER "C"?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SPELL "BOLOR" WITH A "K"?
YES.
KOLOR.
YES.
OH, THAT'S VERY GOOD, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
WELL, I SAW YOUR ADVERT IN THE PAPER
AND I'VE BEEN ON PACKAGE TOURS SEVERAL TIMES, YOU SEE
AND I DECIDED THAT THIS WAS FOR ME.
OH, GOOD.
YES, I QUITE AGREE WITH YOU.
I MEAN, WHAT'S THE POINT
OF BEING TREATED LIKE A SHEEP?
I MEAN, I'M FED UP OF GOING ABROAD
AND BEING TREATED LIKE SHEEP.
WHAT'S THE POINT OF BEING CARTED AROUND IN BUSES
SURROUNDED BY SWEATY, MINDLESS OAFS
FROM KETTERING AND BOVENTRY?
THEIR CLOTH CAPS AND THEIR CARDIGANS
AND THEIR TRANSISTOR RADIOS
AND THEIR SUNDA Y MIRRORS
BOMPLAINING ABOUT THE TEA...
"OH, THEY DON'T MAKE IT PROPERLY HERE, DO THEY?
NOT LIKE AT HOME."
STOPPING AT MAJORCAN BODEGAS SELLING FISH AND CHIPS
AND WATNEY'S RED BARREL
AND CALAMARES AND TWO VEG
AND SITTING IN COTTON SUN FROCKS
SQUIRTING TIMOTHY WHITE'S SUN CREAM
ALL OVER THEIR PUFFY, RAW, SWOLLEN, PURULENT FLESH
BECAUSE THEY OVERDID IT
ON THE FIRST DAY!
YES, ABSOLUTELY, I QUITE AGREE.
AND BEING HERDED INTO ENDLESS HOTEL MIRAMARS
AND BELLVUESES AND BONTINENTALS
WITH THEIR INTERNATIONAL
LUXURY MODERN ROOMETTES
AND THEIR WATNEY'S RED BARREL
AND THEIR SWIMMING POOLS
FULL OF FAT GERMAN BUSINESSMEN
PRETENDING TO BE ACROBATS
AND FORMING PYRAMIDS
AND FRIGHTENING THE CHILDREN
BARGING INTO THE QUEUES
AND IF YOU'RE NOT AT YOUR TABLE SPOT ON SEVEN
YOU MISS YOUR BOWL
OF CAMPBELL'S CREAM OF MUSHROOM SOUP
THE FIRST ITEM ON THE MENU OF INTERNATIONAL CUISINE.
AND EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT
THERE'S BLOODY CABARET IN THE BAR
FEATURING SOME TINY, EMACIATED DAGO
WITH NINE-INCH HIPS
AND SOME BIG, FAT, BLOATED TART
WITH HER HAIR BRYLCREEMED DOWN AND A BIG ARSE
PRESENTING FLAMENCO FOR FOREIGNERS.
YES, YES, QUITE...
AND THEN SURROUNDED
BY ADENOIDAL TYPISTS FROM BIRMINGHAM
WITH DIARRHEA AND FLABBY WHITE LEGS
AND HAIRY, BANDY-LEGGED WOP WAITERS CALLED MANUEL
AND THEN ONCE A WEEK
THERE'S AN EXCURSION TO THE LOCAL ROMAN RUINS
WHERE YOU CAN BUY CHERRYADE AND MELTED ICE CREAM
AND BLEEDIN' WATNEY'S RED BARREL
AND THEN ONE NIGHT
THEY TAKE YOU TO A LOCAL RESTAURANT
WITH LOCAL COLOR AND COLORING AND THEY SHOW YOU THERE
AND YOU SIT NEXT TO A PARTY OF PEOPLE FROM RHYL
AND COMPLAINING ABOUT THE FOOD.
"OH, IT'S SO GREASY, ISN'T IT?"
AND THEN YOU GET CORNERED
BY SOME DRUNKEN GREENGROCER FROM LUTON WITH AN INSTAMATIC
AND DR. SCHOLL SANDALS AND TUESDAY'S DAILY EXPRESS
AND HE DRONES ON AND ON AND ON
ABOUT HOW MR. SMITH SHOULD BE RUNNING THIS COUNTRY.
QUIET, PLEASE.
AND THEN HE THROWS UP
ALL OVER THE CUBA LIBRES.
WILL YOU BE QUIET, PLEASE?
...POSTCARDS OF PLACES
THEY DON'T KNOW THEY HAVEN'T EVEN VISITED
"TO ALL AT NUMBER 22, WEATHER WONDERFUL.
OUR ROOM MARKED WITH AN 'X'..."
SHUT UP!
"FOOD VERY GREASY
"BUT WE HAVE MANAGED TO FIND
THIS MARVELOUS LITTLE PLACE HIDDEN AWAY..."
SHUT UP!
"...WATNEY'S RED BARREL AND CHEESE AND ONION."
SHUT UP!
AND THE ACCORDIONIST PLAYS...
SHUT YOUR BLOODY GOB!
OH, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.
I'M GOING TO RING THE POLICE.
...NOTHING TO EAT
BUT DRIED WATNEY'S SANDWICHES.
OH, TAKE IT OFF THE HOOK.
...AND THERE'S NOWHERE TO SLEEP...
HELLO, OPERATOR? OPERATOR?
YES, OPERATOR, I'M TRYING TO GET THE POLICE.
YES, YES... THE POLICE!
YES, WHAT?
NINE AND A HALF... NINE AND A HALF!
...WHEN YOU GET TO MALAGA AIRPORT
EVERYBODY'S SWALLOWING...
WHAT?
SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.
WILL YOU COME THIS WAY, PLEASE?
HERE THEY ARE.
RIGHT.
JUST HERE WILL DO FINE.
BYE-BYE.
GOOD EVENING.
I HAVE WITH ME TONIGHT
ANNE ELK, MRS. ANNE ELK.
MISS.
YOU HAVE A NEW THEORY ABOUT THE BRONTOSAURUS.
CAN I JUST SAY HERE, CHRIS, FOR ONE MOMENT
THAT I HAVE A NEW THEORY ABOUT THE BRONTOSAURUS?
EXACTLY.
WHAT IS IT?
WHERE?
I MEAN YOUR NEW THEORY.
OH, WHAT IS MY THEORY?
OH, WHAT IS MY THEORY, THAT IT IS.
WELL, CHRIS, YOU MAY WELL ASK ME
WHAT IS MY THEORY.
I AM ASKING.
GOOD FOR YOU.
MY WORD, YES.
WELL, CHRIS, WHAT IS IT THAT IT IS
THIS THEORY OF MINE?
WELL, THIS IS WHAT IT IS.
MY THEORY THAT I HAVE
THAT IS TO SAY, WHICH IS MINE
IS MINE.
YES, I KNOW IT'S YOURS.
WHAT IS IT?
WHERE?
YOUR THEORY.
OH, WHAT IS MY...
THIS IS IT.
MY THEORY THAT BELONGS TO ME
IS AS FOLLOWS.
THIS IS HOW IT GOES.
THE NEXT THING I'M GOING TO SAY
IS MY THEORY.
READY?
MY THEORY, BY A. ELK...
BRACKETS, MISS, BRACKETS...
THIS THEORY GOES AS FOLLOWS AND BEGINS NOW:
ALL BRONTOSAURUSES ARE THIN AT ONE END
MUCH, MUCH THICKER IN THE MIDDLE
AND THEN THIN AGAIN AT THE FAR END.
THAT IS MY THEORY.
IT IS MINE AND BELONGS TO ME
AND I OWN IT AND WHAT IT IS, TOO.
THAT'S IT, IS IT?
SPOT ON, CHRIS.
WELL, THIS THEORY OF YOURS
APPEARS TO HAVE HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD.
AND IT'S MINE.
YES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING ALONG TO THE STUDIO.
MY PLEASURE, CHRIS.
NEXT WEEK, BRITAIN'S...
IT'S BEEN A LOT OF FUN.
YES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
SAYING WHAT MY THEORY IS.
YES, THANK YOU.
AND WHOSE IT IS.
YES, THANK YOU, THAT'S ALL.
I HAVE ANOTHER THEORY...
YES...
CALLED MY SECOND THEORY
OR MY THEORY NUMBER TWO
WHICH I COULD EXPOUND WITHOUT DOUBT.
THIS SECOND THEORY...
YES?
WHICH WITH THE ONE THAT I HAVE SAID...
I'M TRYING...
WHICH ARE MINE
AND WHICH BELONG TO ME...
NINE AND HALF, WIDE FITTING.
GOES LIKE THIS.
BALLEYS OF BOND STREET.
WHAT?
NO, SORT OF BROGUE.
THIS IS WHAT IT IS.
EIGHT AND A HALF.
THIS IS IT.
MY SECOND THEORY...
EXCUSE ME!
HELLO, YES, YES?
...PROMISES YOU THAT THE RAGING CHOLERA EPIDEMIC...
THE FIRE BRIGADE ARE HERE!
THEY'RE COMING!
HELLO?
NO, NO, I THINK THEY'RE ALL
PART OF THE BRITISH SHOE CORPORATION NOW.
CHRIS, THIS OTHER THEORY OF MINE...
THE SECOND THEORY...
MY SECOND THEORY STATES
THAT FIRE BRIGADE CHOIRS
SELDOM SING SONGS ABOUT MARCEL PROUST.
START AGAIN.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll