1 00:00:07,374 --> 00:00:08,398 AND NOW... 2 00:00:08,441 --> 00:00:09,669 IT'S... 3 00:00:14,314 --> 00:00:18,910 MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUSES. 4 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:29,000 Ripped & Corrected By mstoll 5 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,601 GOOD EVENING 6 00:00:44,644 --> 00:00:47,340 AND WELCOME TO THE ARTHUR LUDLOW MEMORIAL BATHS, NEWPORT 7 00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:48,870 FOR THIS YEAR'S FINALS 8 00:00:48,915 --> 00:00:51,281 OF THE ALL-ENGLAND SUMMARIZE PROUST COMPETITION. 9 00:00:51,317 --> 00:00:53,808 AS YOU MA Y REMEMBER, EACH CONTESTANT HAS TO GIVE 10 00:00:53,853 --> 00:00:57,050 A BRIEF SUMMARY OF PROUST'S A LA RECHERCHE DU TEMPS PERDU 11 00:00:57,090 --> 00:00:59,957 ONCE IN A SWIMSUIT AND ONCE IN EVENING DRESS. 12 00:01:01,494 --> 00:01:03,291 THE FIELD HAS NOW NARROWED TO THREE FINALISTS 13 00:01:03,329 --> 00:01:04,762 AND YOURJUDGES TONIGHTARE 14 00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:07,824 ALEC AND ERIC BEDSER, EX-SURREY CRICKETERS; 15 00:01:07,867 --> 00:01:10,461 STEWART SURRIDGE, EX-CAPTAIN OF SURREY; 16 00:01:10,503 --> 00:01:14,872 OMAR SHARIF; LAURIE FISHLOCK, EX-SURREY OPENING BATSMAN; 17 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:17,706 PETER MAY, THE FORMER SURREY AND ENGLAND CAPTAIN; 18 00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:20,304 AND YEHUDI MENUHIN, THE WORLD-FAMOUS VIOLINIST 19 00:01:20,346 --> 00:01:23,372 AND THE PRESIDENT OF THE SURREY CRICKET CLUB. 20 00:01:23,416 --> 00:01:26,385 AND RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME TO MEET YOUR HOST FOR TONIGHT 21 00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:27,443 ARTHUR MEE! 22 00:01:29,289 --> 00:01:30,984 GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME. 23 00:01:31,057 --> 00:01:33,992 WHEREAS PROUST WOULD SAY, "LE MALADE IMAGINAIRE 24 00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:36,587 "DE RECONDITION ET DE TOUTE SURVEILLANCE 25 00:01:36,629 --> 00:01:38,392 EST BIENTOT LA MEME CHOSE. " 26 00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:41,195 REMEMBER, EACH CONTESTANT THIS EVENING 27 00:01:41,234 --> 00:01:44,499 HAS A MAXIMUM OF 15 SECONDS TO SUMMARIZE 28 00:01:44,537 --> 00:01:46,505 A LA RECHERCHE DU TEMPS PERDU 29 00:01:46,539 --> 00:01:48,598 AND ON THE PROUSTOMETER HERE 30 00:01:48,641 --> 00:01:51,508 YOU CAN SEE EXACTLY HOW FAR HE GETS. 31 00:01:51,544 --> 00:01:54,741 SO LET'S CRACK STRAIGHT ON WITH OUR FIRST CONTESTANT TONIGHT. 32 00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:59,013 HE'S LAST YEAR'S SEMIFINALIST, FROM LUTON, MR. HARRY BAGOT. 33 00:02:00,787 --> 00:02:01,776 HELLO, HARRY. 34 00:02:01,821 --> 00:02:03,755 NOW, THERE'S THE SUMMARIZING SPOT. 35 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,985 YOU'RE ON THE SUMMARIZING SPOT. 36 00:02:06,025 --> 00:02:08,585 15 SECONDS FROM... NOW! 37 00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:10,562 PROUST'S NOVEL OSTENSIBLY TELLS 38 00:02:10,597 --> 00:02:12,428 OF THE IRREVOCABILITY OF TIME LOST 39 00:02:12,465 --> 00:02:15,025 THE FORFEITURE OF INNOCENCE THROUGH EXPERIENCE 40 00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:18,196 THE REINSTALLMENT OF EXTRATEMPORAL VALUES OF TIME REGAINED. 41 00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:20,206 ULTIMATELY THE NOVEL IS BOTH OPTIMISTIC 42 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:23,334 AND SET WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF A HUMANE RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE 43 00:02:23,376 --> 00:02:25,970 RESTATING AS IT DOES THE CONCEPT OF INTEMPORALITY. 44 00:02:26,012 --> 00:02:28,810 IN THE FIRST VOLUME, SWANN, THE FAMILY FRIEND, VISITS... 45 00:02:29,849 --> 00:02:30,975 WELL TRIED, HARRY. 46 00:02:31,017 --> 00:02:32,609 A GOOD ATTEMPT THERE 47 00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:35,052 BUT UNFORTUNATELY HE CHOSE A GENERAL APPRAISAL OF THE WORK 48 00:02:35,121 --> 00:02:37,248 BEFORE GETTING ON TO THE STORY, AND AS YOU CAN SEE 49 00:02:37,290 --> 00:02:38,655 HE ONLY GOT AS FAR AS PAGE ONE OF SWANN'S WAY 50 00:02:38,691 --> 00:02:40,591 THE FIRST OF THE SEVEN VOLUMES. 51 00:02:40,627 --> 00:02:43,187 A GOOD TRY, THOUGH, AND VERY NICE POSTURE. 52 00:02:43,229 --> 00:02:45,459 HARRY BAGOT, YOU'RE FROM LUTON? 53 00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:46,624 YES, ARTHUR, YEAH. 54 00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:48,429 NOW, HARRY, WHAT MADE YOU FIRST WANT TO TRY 55 00:02:48,468 --> 00:02:50,060 AND START SUMMARIZING PROUST? 56 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,262 WELL, I FIRST ENTERED 57 00:02:51,304 --> 00:02:53,272 A SEASIDE SUMMARIZING PROUST COMPETITION 58 00:02:53,306 --> 00:02:55,001 WHEN I WAS ON HOLIDAY IN BOURNEMOUTH 59 00:02:55,041 --> 00:02:57,236 AND MY DOCTOR ENCOURAGED ME WITH IT. 60 00:02:57,277 --> 00:03:00,906 AND, HARRY, WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES OUTSIDE SUMMARIZING? 61 00:03:00,947 --> 00:03:03,472 WELL, THERE'S GOLF, AND STRANGLING ANIMALS. 62 00:03:04,384 --> 00:03:06,978 WELL, THERE HE GOES... HARRY BAGOT. 63 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,250 HE MUST HAVE LET HIMSELF DOWN A BIT ON THE HOBBIES. 64 00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:11,086 GOLF'S NOT VERY POPULAR AROUND HERE. 65 00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:13,558 BUT NEVER MIND, A GOOD TRY. 66 00:03:13,593 --> 00:03:16,994 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR. RUTHERFORD, FROM LEICESTER. 67 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,224 ARE YOU READY, RONALD? 68 00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:19,060 YEAH, YEAH. 69 00:03:19,098 --> 00:03:20,395 RIGHT, AT YOUR SUMMARIZING SPOT. 70 00:03:20,433 --> 00:03:23,630 YOU HAVE GOT 15 SECONDS FROM... NOW! 71 00:03:23,670 --> 00:03:25,763 ER... OOH! 72 00:03:25,805 --> 00:03:27,295 ER, OH, SWANN, SWANN! 73 00:03:27,340 --> 00:03:28,773 ER, SWANN. 74 00:03:28,808 --> 00:03:31,709 THERE'S THIS HOUSE... THERE'S THIS HOUSE, ER, AND... 75 00:03:31,744 --> 00:03:32,870 IT'S IN THE MORNING, IT'S IN THE MORNING. 76 00:03:32,912 --> 00:03:34,470 NO, NO, NO, IT'S IN THE EVENING... 77 00:03:34,514 --> 00:03:35,947 IN THE EVENING, AND THEN THERE'S A GARDEN 78 00:03:35,982 --> 00:03:37,472 UH... AND, ER, THIS BLOKE COMES IN... 79 00:03:37,517 --> 00:03:38,575 BLOKE COMES IN. 80 00:03:38,618 --> 00:03:39,778 WHAT'S HIS NAME? WHAT'S HIS NAME? 81 00:03:39,819 --> 00:03:41,582 OH, GOD, JUST SAID IT, JUST SAID IT. 82 00:03:41,621 --> 00:03:43,111 UH, BIG BLOKE... SWANN! SWANN! 83 00:03:44,457 --> 00:03:45,424 OH, OUT OF TIME. 84 00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:46,857 I'M SORRY, WE'RE OUT OF TIME. 85 00:03:49,262 --> 00:03:51,127 AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE YOU TO WELCOME 86 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:54,029 THE LAST OF OUR ALL-ENGLAND FINALISTS THIS EVENING 87 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:56,900 FROM BINGLEY, THE BOLTON CHORAL SOCIETY 88 00:03:56,936 --> 00:03:59,336 AND THEIR LEADER, SUPERINTENDENT McGOUGH. 89 00:03:59,372 --> 00:04:00,464 ALL RIGHT, BINGLEY. 90 00:04:00,506 --> 00:04:02,337 REMEMBER, YOU'VE GOT 15 SECONDS 91 00:04:02,375 --> 00:04:04,434 TO SUMMARIZE PROUST IN THEIR ENTIRETY 92 00:04:04,477 --> 00:04:06,775 STARTING FROM... NOW! 93 00:04:23,029 --> 00:04:24,519 VERY AMBITIOUS TRY THERE 94 00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:26,862 BUT IN FACT THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL OF THE EVENING. 95 00:04:26,899 --> 00:04:29,163 THEY DIDN'T EVEN GET AS FAR AS THE FIRST VOLUME. 96 00:04:29,235 --> 00:04:31,999 WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN 97 00:04:32,038 --> 00:04:35,303 I DON'T THINK ANY OF OUR CONTESTANTS THIS EVENING 98 00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:37,172 HAVE SUCCEEDED IN ENCAPSULATING 99 00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:39,940 THE INTRICACIES OF PROUST'S MASTERWORK. 100 00:04:39,979 --> 00:04:43,039 SO I'M GOING TO AWARD THE FIRST PRIZE THIS EVENING 101 00:04:43,082 --> 00:04:45,050 TO THE GIRL WITH THE BIGGEST TITS. 102 00:05:22,488 --> 00:05:24,217 MOUNT EVEREST... 103 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:27,521 FORBIDDING, ALOOF, TERRIFYING. 104 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,051 THE MOUNTAIN WITH THE BIGGEST TITS IN THE WORLD. 105 00:05:31,698 --> 00:05:33,529 START AGAIN! 106 00:05:37,603 --> 00:05:39,195 MOUNT EVEREST... 107 00:05:39,238 --> 00:05:42,730 FORBIDDING, ALOOF, TERRIFYING. 108 00:05:42,775 --> 00:05:44,834 THIS YEAR, THIS REMOTE HIMALAYAN MOUNTAIN 109 00:05:44,877 --> 00:05:46,242 THIS MYSTICAL TEMPLE 110 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:49,076 SURROUNDED BY THE MOST DIFFICULT TERRAIN IN THE WORLD 111 00:05:49,115 --> 00:05:52,107 REPULSED YET ANOTHER ATTEMPT TO CONQUER IT 112 00:05:52,151 --> 00:05:54,915 THIS TIME BY THE INTERNATIONAL HAIRDRESSERS' EXPEDITION. 113 00:05:56,255 --> 00:05:57,654 IN SUCH FREEZING ADVERSE CONDITIONS 114 00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:59,715 MAN COMES VERY CLOSE TO BREAKING POINT. 115 00:05:59,759 --> 00:06:01,488 WHAT WAS THE REAL CAUSE OF THE DISHARMONY 116 00:06:01,527 --> 00:06:03,688 WHICH DESTROYED THEIR CHANCES OF SUCCESS? 117 00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:05,857 WELL, PEOPLE WOULD KEEP TAKING YOUR HAIRDRYER 118 00:06:05,898 --> 00:06:07,195 AND NEVER RETURNING IT. 119 00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:09,599 THERE WAS A LOT OF BITCHING IN THE TENTS. 120 00:06:09,635 --> 00:06:11,569 YOU COULDN'T GET NEAR THE MIRROR. 121 00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:14,466 THE LEADER OF THE EXPEDITION WAS 122 00:06:14,507 --> 00:06:16,407 COLONEL SIR JOHN "TEASY WEASY" BUTLER 123 00:06:16,442 --> 00:06:20,071 VETERAN OF K2, ANNAPURNA AND VIDALS. 124 00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:23,048 HIS PLAN WAS TO IGNORE THE USUAL ROUTE ROUND THE SOUTH COL 125 00:06:23,082 --> 00:06:24,982 AND TO MAKE STRAIGHT FOR THE TOP. 126 00:06:25,017 --> 00:06:28,214 WELL, WE ESTABLISHED BASE SALON HERE 127 00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:31,883 AND CLIMBED QUITE STEADILY UP TO MARIO'S, HERE. 128 00:06:31,924 --> 00:06:35,052 FROM HERE, USING CRAMPONS AND CUTTING ICE STEPS AS WE WENT 129 00:06:35,094 --> 00:06:38,029 WE MOVED STEADILY UP THE LHOTSE FACE TO THE NORTH RIDGE 130 00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:39,554 ESTABLISHING CAMP III 131 00:06:39,599 --> 00:06:42,693 WHERE WE COULD GET A HOT MEAL, A MANICURE AND A SHAMPOO AND SET. 132 00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:44,828 COULD IT WORK? 133 00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:47,203 COULD THIS 18-YEAR-OLD HAIRDRESSER FROM BRIXTON 134 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,401 SUCCEED WHERE OTHERS HAD FAILED? 135 00:06:49,442 --> 00:06:50,773 THE SITUATION WAS COMPLICATED 136 00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:53,574 BY THE IMMINENT ARRIVAL OF THE MONSOON STORMS. 137 00:06:53,613 --> 00:06:55,103 PATRICE TAKES UP THE STORY. 138 00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:58,606 WELL, WE KNEW AS WELL AS ANYONE THAT THE MONSOONS WERE DUE 139 00:06:58,651 --> 00:06:59,879 BUT THE THING WAS 140 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,319 RICKY AND I HAD JUST HAD A BLOW-DRY AND RINSE 141 00:07:02,388 --> 00:07:04,322 AND WE COULDN'T GO OUT FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS. 142 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:05,789 AFTER A BLAZING ROW 143 00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:08,089 THE GERMANS AND THE ITALIANS HAD TURNED BACK 144 00:07:08,127 --> 00:07:09,788 TAKING WITH THEM THE LAST OF THE HAIRNETS. 145 00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:12,559 ON THE THIRD DA Y, A BLIZZARD BLEW UP. 146 00:07:12,598 --> 00:07:14,828 TEMPERATURES FELL TO MINUS 3O CENTIGRADE. 147 00:07:14,867 --> 00:07:17,859 INSIDE THE LITTLE TENT, THINGS WERE GETTING DESPERATE. 148 00:07:17,904 --> 00:07:19,337 WELL, THINGS HAVE GOT SO BAD 149 00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:20,669 THAT WE'VE BEEN FORCED TO USE 150 00:07:20,706 --> 00:07:22,469 THE LAST OF THE HEAVY OXYGEN EQUIPMENT 151 00:07:22,508 --> 00:07:24,339 JUST TO KEEP THE DRYERS GOING. 152 00:07:24,410 --> 00:07:25,342 CUP OF MILO, LOVE. 153 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:28,278 OH, SHE'S A TREAS. 154 00:07:28,314 --> 00:07:31,306 BUT A NEW FACTOR HAD ENTERED THE RACE. 155 00:07:31,350 --> 00:07:32,783 A TEAM OF FRENCH CHIROPODISTS 156 00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:34,184 WORKING WITH BRAND-NEW CORN PLASTERS 157 00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:35,812 AND DR. SCHOLL'S MOUNTAINEERING SANDALS 158 00:07:35,855 --> 00:07:37,322 WERE COVERING GROUND FAST. 159 00:07:37,356 --> 00:07:39,984 THE GLASGOW ORPHEUS MALE VOICE CHOIR WERE TACKLING 160 00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:41,459 THE DIFFICULT NORTH COL. 161 00:07:41,494 --> 00:07:45,123 ALTOGETHER 14 EXPEDITIONS WERE AT HIS HEELS. 162 00:07:45,164 --> 00:07:46,153 THIS WAS IT. 163 00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:48,190 RICK HAD TO MAKE A DECISION. 164 00:07:48,234 --> 00:07:50,998 WELL, HE DECIDED TO OPEN A SALON. 165 00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:53,267 IT WAS A TREMENDOUS SUCCESS. 166 00:07:54,507 --> 00:07:56,236 CHALLENGING EVEREST? 167 00:07:56,275 --> 00:07:58,368 WHY NOT DROP IN AT RICKY PULE'S... 168 00:07:58,444 --> 00:08:01,379 ONLY 24,000 FEET FROM THIS CINEMA. 169 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:04,006 RICKY AND MAURICE OFFER A VARIETY OF STYLES 170 00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:06,018 FOR THE WELL-GROOMED CLIMBER. 171 00:08:07,353 --> 00:08:09,981 LIKE SHERPA TENZING AND SIR EDMUND HILLARY 172 00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:12,991 BE NUMBER ONE ON TOP WHEN YOU'RE NUMBER ONE ON TOP. 173 00:08:16,762 --> 00:08:19,959 THIS CINEMA IS PROUD TO PRESENT 174 00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:22,490 20th-CENTURY FROG'S PRODUCTION: 175 00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:33,612 OH, JAMES! 176 00:08:33,646 --> 00:08:37,673 OH, BEATRICE! 177 00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:41,209 OH... JAMES! 178 00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:45,418 OH... OH, BEATRICE! 179 00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:47,688 OH... OH, JAMES 180 00:08:47,727 --> 00:08:51,163 I COULD MAKE SUCH A FOOL OF MYSELF OVER YOU. 181 00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:54,928 OH, BEATRICE, DO... DO! 182 00:08:54,967 --> 00:08:58,130 OH, YES, JAMES, YES! 183 00:09:04,610 --> 00:09:06,840 OH, JAMES! 184 00:09:09,348 --> 00:09:10,372 BEATRICE! 185 00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:15,418 OH... JAMES! 186 00:09:16,856 --> 00:09:19,552 BEATRICE! 187 00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:25,758 OH... JAMES, I COULD MAKE SUCH A FOOL OF MYSELF OVER YOU. 188 00:09:25,798 --> 00:09:29,097 OH, BEATRICE, DO... DO! 189 00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:32,933 OH, YES, JAMES, YES! 190 00:09:41,614 --> 00:09:45,345 OH... JAMES! 191 00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:48,148 OH... BEATRICE! 192 00:09:49,822 --> 00:09:53,451 OH... JAMES! 193 00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:57,629 OH... BEATRICE! 194 00:09:57,663 --> 00:09:58,630 OH, JAMES... 195 00:09:58,664 --> 00:09:59,790 OH, SHUT UP! 196 00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:01,857 HELLO, IS THAT THE FIRE BRIGADE? 197 00:10:01,901 --> 00:10:04,392 NO, SORRY, WRONG NUMBER. 198 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:07,929 THAT PHONE'S NOT STOPPED RINGING ALL DAY. 199 00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:09,635 WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'VE MIXED THE BATTER? 200 00:10:09,675 --> 00:10:11,267 DO YOU DICE THE HAM WITH THE CORIANDER? 201 00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:12,641 NO, NO, YOU PUT THEM IN SEPARATELY 202 00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:13,940 WHEN THE VINE LEAVES ARE READY. 203 00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:16,236 OH, NO, NOT AGAIN. 204 00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:17,647 TAKE IT OFF THE HOOK. 205 00:10:21,153 --> 00:10:23,519 I CAN'T GET THE FIRE BRIGADE, MERVYN. 206 00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:26,217 HERE, LET ME TRY, DEAR. 207 00:10:26,258 --> 00:10:27,816 YOU GO AND PLAY THE CELLO. 208 00:10:27,860 --> 00:10:29,487 OH, IT DOESN'T DO ANY GOOD, DEAR. 209 00:10:29,528 --> 00:10:32,656 LOOK, DO YOU WANT THAT LITTLE HAMSTER TO LIVE OR NOT? 210 00:10:32,698 --> 00:10:33,790 YES, I DO, MERVYN. 211 00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:36,495 WELL, GO AND PLAY THE CELLO! 212 00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:40,396 HELLO? 213 00:10:40,439 --> 00:10:42,373 HELLO, OPERATOR? 214 00:10:42,408 --> 00:10:46,538 YES, WE'RE TRYING TO GET THE FIRE BRIGADE. 215 00:10:46,612 --> 00:10:49,979 NO, THE FIRE BRIGADE. 216 00:10:50,016 --> 00:10:51,847 YES... YES... 217 00:10:51,884 --> 00:10:55,718 YES... YES... YES... 218 00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:59,555 YES... YES... YES... 219 00:10:59,592 --> 00:11:02,686 YES... YES... WHAT? 220 00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:11,428 SIZE EIGHT. 221 00:11:12,471 --> 00:11:16,202 YES... YES... YES... 222 00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:20,235 YES... YES... YES... 223 00:11:20,279 --> 00:11:21,974 NO, OF COURSE NOT. 224 00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:23,140 YES... 225 00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:25,514 HE'S GONE, DEAR. 226 00:11:25,551 --> 00:11:26,518 WHAT? 227 00:11:26,552 --> 00:11:29,715 HE'S SLIPPED AWAY. 228 00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:30,813 WHAT? 229 00:11:30,856 --> 00:11:32,687 THE SODDING HAMSTER'S DEAD! 230 00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:35,285 OH, NO! 231 00:11:35,327 --> 00:11:36,589 WHAT WERE YOU PLAYING? 232 00:11:36,662 --> 00:11:39,062 SOME MOZART CONCERTOS, DEAR. 233 00:11:39,098 --> 00:11:40,725 WHAT? HOW DID HE? 234 00:11:40,766 --> 00:11:42,563 HIS EYES JUST CLOSED 235 00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:44,831 AND HE FELL INTO THE WASTEPAPER BASKET. 236 00:11:45,871 --> 00:11:47,304 I'VE COVERED HIM 237 00:11:47,339 --> 00:11:49,398 WITH A COPY OF THE CHARLIE GEORGE FOOTBALL BOOK. 238 00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:51,103 RIGHT, YOU HANG ON. 239 00:11:51,143 --> 00:11:52,474 I MUST GO AND SEE HIM. 240 00:11:52,511 --> 00:11:54,604 THERE WAS NOTHING WE COULD DO, MERVYN. 241 00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:57,013 IF WE'D HAVE HAD THE WHOLE PHILHARMONIC ORCHESTRA IN THERE 242 00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:59,074 HE'D STILL HAVE GONE. 243 00:11:59,118 --> 00:12:00,312 I'M GOING UPSTAIRS. 244 00:12:00,352 --> 00:12:02,081 I CAN'T BEAR IT. 245 00:12:02,121 --> 00:12:03,247 THERE ISN'T AN UPSTAIRS, DEAR. 246 00:12:03,289 --> 00:12:04,620 IT'S A BUNGALOW. 247 00:12:06,025 --> 00:12:07,424 DAMN! 248 00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:08,722 HELLO? 249 00:12:08,761 --> 00:12:09,921 OH, I'M SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING. 250 00:12:09,962 --> 00:12:11,589 IT'S JUST THAT... 251 00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:16,563 SIZE THREE, YES. 252 00:12:16,602 --> 00:12:21,096 IT'S JUST, WE'VE LOST A DEAR ONE, AND MY SON WAS... 253 00:12:21,140 --> 00:12:24,166 YES, THAT'S RIGHT, SIZE EIGHT, YES, AND... 254 00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:25,837 OH, I SEE. 255 00:12:25,878 --> 00:12:28,813 YES... YES... YES... 256 00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:30,145 YES, YES... 257 00:12:30,182 --> 00:12:33,242 YES... YES, I SEE, UH... 258 00:12:33,285 --> 00:12:34,912 YES. 259 00:12:34,954 --> 00:12:36,945 YES, I... I... 260 00:12:36,989 --> 00:12:38,149 YES. 261 00:12:38,190 --> 00:12:39,748 OH, YES... NO! 262 00:12:39,792 --> 00:12:42,659 NO... YES... I SEE. 263 00:12:42,728 --> 00:12:45,094 THEY CAN'T GET THE FIRE BRIGADE, MERVYN. 264 00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:46,928 WILL THE BOYS' BRIGADE DO? 265 00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:48,866 NO! THEY'D BE USELESS! 266 00:12:48,901 --> 00:12:52,667 NO, HE DOESN'T WANT ANYONE AT THE MOMENT, THANK YOU. 267 00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:55,401 NO... YES. 268 00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,500 YES... NO, THANK YOU FOR TRYING. 269 00:12:57,543 --> 00:12:59,238 YES. 270 00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:00,245 YES... 271 00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:01,678 NO, SAXONES. 272 00:13:01,747 --> 00:13:03,237 YES. 273 00:13:03,282 --> 00:13:04,840 YES, THANK YOU, BYE-BYE. 274 00:13:06,385 --> 00:13:07,409 MUMMY! 275 00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:09,819 OH, EAMONN! 276 00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:12,085 MERVYN, LOOK, IT'S OUR EAMONN! 277 00:13:12,124 --> 00:13:14,558 OH, LET ME LOOK AT YOU. 278 00:13:14,593 --> 00:13:15,821 HOW WELL YOU'RE LOOKING. 279 00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:18,352 TELL ME, HOW IS IT IN DUBLIN? 280 00:13:18,397 --> 00:13:20,888 WELL, THINGS IS PRETTY BAD THERE AT THE MOMENT 281 00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:22,298 BUT THERE DOES SEEM SOME HOPE 282 00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:23,824 OF A CONSTITUTIONAL SETTLEMENT. 283 00:13:23,869 --> 00:13:25,336 OH, DON'T TALK. 284 00:13:25,371 --> 00:13:26,861 LET ME JUST LOOK AT YOU. 285 00:13:26,906 --> 00:13:28,203 GREAT TO BE HOME, MUMMY. 286 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:29,229 HOW ARE YOU? 287 00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:30,503 OH, I'M FINE. 288 00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:32,534 I MUST JUST GO UPSTAIRS AND GET YOUR ROOM READY. 289 00:13:32,578 --> 00:13:34,136 IT'S A BUNGALOW, MUMMY. 290 00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:35,647 OH, DAMN, YES. 291 00:13:35,681 --> 00:13:37,706 MERVYN, MERVYN, LOOK WHO'S HERE! 292 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,250 IT'S OUR EAMONN 293 00:13:39,285 --> 00:13:41,276 COME BACK TO SEE US. 294 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:42,287 HELLO, EAMONN. 295 00:13:42,321 --> 00:13:43,549 HELLO, MERV. 296 00:13:43,589 --> 00:13:44,681 HOW WAS DUBLIN? 297 00:13:44,723 --> 00:13:46,020 WELL, AS I WAS TELLING MUMMY HERE 298 00:13:46,058 --> 00:13:47,650 THINGS IS PRETTY BAD THERE AT THE MOMENT 299 00:13:47,693 --> 00:13:48,853 BUT THERE DOES SEEM 300 00:13:48,894 --> 00:13:51,590 SOME HOPE OF A CONSTITUTIONAL SETTLEMENT. 301 00:13:55,935 --> 00:13:57,835 HELLO? 302 00:13:57,870 --> 00:13:59,838 YES? 303 00:13:59,872 --> 00:14:01,499 YES. 304 00:14:01,540 --> 00:14:03,508 YES. 305 00:14:03,542 --> 00:14:06,409 YES. 306 00:14:06,445 --> 00:14:07,537 YES. 307 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:08,877 WHAT? 308 00:14:08,914 --> 00:14:10,814 WHAT? 309 00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:14,078 SIZE SEVEN. 310 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:16,678 YES. 311 00:14:16,722 --> 00:14:17,950 YES. 312 00:14:17,990 --> 00:14:19,548 YES, YES! 313 00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:21,116 YES. 314 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:22,127 IT'S THE FIRE BRIGADE. 315 00:14:22,161 --> 00:14:23,287 THEY WANT TO KNOW 316 00:14:23,329 --> 00:14:24,523 IF THEY CAN COME ROUND THURSDAY EVENING. 317 00:14:24,563 --> 00:14:26,030 OH, NO. 318 00:14:26,065 --> 00:14:29,364 THURSDAY'S THE INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS BILL DINNER DANCE. 319 00:14:29,401 --> 00:14:30,868 CAN'T THEY MAKE IT ANOTHER DAY? 320 00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:32,370 UH, HELLO? 321 00:14:32,404 --> 00:14:33,701 NO, THURSDAY'S... 322 00:14:33,739 --> 00:14:36,264 RIGHT OUT! 323 00:14:37,309 --> 00:14:39,243 YES. 324 00:14:39,278 --> 00:14:41,405 YES. 325 00:14:41,447 --> 00:14:43,642 YES. 326 00:14:43,682 --> 00:14:44,774 YES... 327 00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:46,307 AND SO IT WAS 328 00:14:46,352 --> 00:14:49,617 THAT THE FIRE BRIGADE EVENTUALLY CAME ROUND ON FRIDAY NIGHT. 329 00:15:02,534 --> 00:15:04,126 I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD COME. 330 00:15:04,169 --> 00:15:05,932 WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DRINK? 331 00:15:05,971 --> 00:15:07,370 GIN AND TONIC? SHERRY? 332 00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:10,432 A DROP OF SHERRY WOULD BE LOVELY. 333 00:15:10,476 --> 00:15:13,775 WE DO LIKE BEING CALLED OUT TO THESE LITTLE PARTIES. 334 00:15:13,812 --> 00:15:15,803 THEY'RE MUCH BETTER THAN FIRES. 335 00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:21,177 YES? 336 00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:22,187 YES? 337 00:15:22,221 --> 00:15:23,518 YES. 338 00:15:23,555 --> 00:15:25,819 WELL, HOW WAS DUBLIN, EAMONN? 339 00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:28,326 WELL, AS I WAS TELLING MUMMY AND MERVYN EARLIER 340 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,453 THINGS IS PRETTY BAD THERE AT THE MOMENT 341 00:15:30,496 --> 00:15:31,485 BUT THERE DOES SEEM 342 00:15:31,530 --> 00:15:33,191 SOME HOPE OF A CONSTITUTIONAL... 343 00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:35,393 OH, LOOK AT THEM EN JOYING THEMSELVES. 344 00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:40,505 YOU KNOW, I USED TO DREAD PARTIES 345 00:15:40,539 --> 00:15:43,702 UNTIL I WATCHED PARTY HINTS BY VERONICA. 346 00:15:43,742 --> 00:15:45,369 I THINK IT'S ON NOW. 347 00:16:09,601 --> 00:16:10,966 HELLO. 348 00:16:11,003 --> 00:16:13,164 LAST WEEK ON PARTY HINTS I SHOWED YOU 349 00:16:13,205 --> 00:16:16,504 HOW TO MAKE A SMALL PLATE OF GOULASH GO ROUND 26 PEOPLE 350 00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:18,976 HOW TO GET THE BEST OUT OF YOUR CANAPES 351 00:16:19,011 --> 00:16:20,808 AND HOW TO UNBLOCK YOUR LOO. 352 00:16:20,846 --> 00:16:23,007 THIS WEEK I'M GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO 353 00:16:23,048 --> 00:16:25,016 IF THERE'S AN ARMED COMMUNIST UPRISING 354 00:16:25,050 --> 00:16:27,245 NEAR YOUR HOME WHEN YOU'RE HAVING A PARTY. 355 00:16:27,286 --> 00:16:30,483 WELL, OBVIOUSLY IT'LL DEPEND HOW FAR YOU'VE GOT WITH YOUR PARTY 356 00:16:30,522 --> 00:16:32,581 WHEN THE SIGNAL FOR RED REVOLT IS RAISED. 357 00:16:32,624 --> 00:16:34,888 IF YOU'RE JUST HAVING PRELIMINARY APERITIFS... 358 00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:37,361 A DUBONNET, A SHERRY, OR A SPARKLING WHITE WINE... 359 00:16:37,396 --> 00:16:40,388 THEN YOUR GUESTS WILL OBVIOUSLY BE IN A FAIRLY FORMAL MOOD 360 00:16:40,432 --> 00:16:41,990 AND IT'LL BE DIFFICULT TO TELL 361 00:16:42,034 --> 00:16:43,763 WHICH ARE THE COMMUNIST AGITATORS. 362 00:16:43,802 --> 00:16:45,861 SO THE THING TO DO IS TO GET SOME CLOTH 363 00:16:45,904 --> 00:16:47,269 AND SOME BITS OF OLD PAPER 364 00:16:47,306 --> 00:16:50,275 PUT IT DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND SHOOT EVERYBODY. 365 00:16:50,309 --> 00:16:53,335 THIS WILL DEAL WITH THE RED MENACE ON YOUR OWN DOORSTEP. 366 00:16:53,379 --> 00:16:56,143 IF YOU'RE HAVING CANAPES, AS I SHOWED YOU LAST WEEK 367 00:16:56,181 --> 00:16:57,375 OR AN OUTDOOR BARBECUE 368 00:16:57,416 --> 00:16:59,316 THEN THE THING TO DO IS TO SET FIRE 369 00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:01,114 TO ALL THE HOUSES IN THE STREET. 370 00:17:01,153 --> 00:17:03,178 THIS WILL STIR UP ANTICOMMUNIST HATRED 371 00:17:03,222 --> 00:17:05,452 AND YOUR NEIGHBORS WILL BE RIGHT WITH YOU 372 00:17:05,491 --> 00:17:07,925 AS YOU ORGANIZE COUNTERREVOLUTIONARY TERROR. 373 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,928 SO YOU SEE, IF YOU ACT PROMPTLY ENOUGH 374 00:17:09,995 --> 00:17:12,122 ANY LEFT-WING UPRISING CAN BE DEALT WITH 375 00:17:12,164 --> 00:17:13,461 BY THE END OF THE PARTY. 376 00:17:13,499 --> 00:17:14,591 BYE. 377 00:17:14,633 --> 00:17:17,830 AH, SHE'S FINALLY GONE AWAY. 378 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:21,067 ALL RIGHT, COMRADES, TIME TO GO TO WORK. 379 00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:34,745 HELLO, WE ARE SELLING COMMUNIST REVOLUTIONS. 380 00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:37,483 WOULD YOU BY ANY CHANCE BE INTERESTED? 381 00:17:37,523 --> 00:17:39,855 OH, YES, I'LL TAKE A DOZEN, PLEASE. 382 00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:40,859 RIGHT. 383 00:17:53,105 --> 00:17:55,938 ONE DOZEN COMMUNIST REVOLUTIONS COMING UP. 384 00:18:02,848 --> 00:18:04,713 I GET IT! 385 00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,115 COMMUNIST REVOLUTION! 386 00:18:06,151 --> 00:18:07,641 THAT'S A GOOD ONE. 387 00:18:07,686 --> 00:18:10,951 YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE PIECE OF FILTH. 388 00:18:10,989 --> 00:18:12,456 GOD, I HATE YOU! 389 00:18:12,491 --> 00:18:15,824 YOU MAKE ME WANT TO PUKE MY GUTS OUT! 390 00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:20,193 WASN'T THAT CUTE? 391 00:18:20,232 --> 00:18:21,722 REMEMBER, YOU TOO 392 00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:23,667 CAN GET YOUR OWN PUTRID PETER DOLL 393 00:18:23,702 --> 00:18:25,567 IN TIME TO PACIFY YOUR NEXT PARTY. 394 00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:26,696 BUT WHY STOP THERE? 395 00:18:26,738 --> 00:18:28,706 WHY NOT GET A BARRY BIGOT DOLL, TOO? 396 00:18:28,740 --> 00:18:29,729 JUST WATCH THIS. 397 00:18:36,548 --> 00:18:39,642 BLACK PEOPLE, BLACK PEOPLE. 398 00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:40,652 RRRRHODESIAN. 399 00:18:40,686 --> 00:18:42,313 KILL THE BLACKS. KILL THE BLACKS. 400 00:18:42,354 --> 00:18:43,616 RRRRHODESIAN. 401 00:18:43,655 --> 00:18:45,316 SMITH, SMITH. 402 00:18:45,357 --> 00:18:47,325 KILL THE BLACKS WITHIN THE FIVE PRINCIPLES. 403 00:18:47,359 --> 00:18:49,259 I'M AFRAID I CANNOT COMMENT ON THAT 404 00:18:49,294 --> 00:18:51,194 UNTIL IT HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY HUSHED UP. 405 00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:52,754 THIS IS OUR POLITICIANS' BOOTH. 406 00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:55,164 WHILE THERE'S NO UNDUE CAUSE FOR CONCERN 407 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,725 THERE IS CERTAINLY NO ROOM FOR COMPLACENCY. 408 00:18:57,769 --> 00:18:59,168 HA, HA, HA, HE, HE, HE. 409 00:18:59,204 --> 00:19:01,229 I'LL GO TO THE FOOT OF OUR STAIRS. 410 00:19:01,273 --> 00:19:02,763 EE ECKY THUMP. 411 00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:04,298 PUT WOOD IN 'OLE, MUTHER. 412 00:19:04,343 --> 00:19:05,935 YES, SORRY? 413 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,036 EE ECKY THUMP. 414 00:19:07,112 --> 00:19:08,443 EE ECKY THUMP. 415 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,038 EE ECKY THUMP! 416 00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,138 EE ECKY THUMP! 417 00:19:11,183 --> 00:19:12,241 EXCELLENT! 418 00:19:12,284 --> 00:19:14,343 IT'S A VERY QUICK METHOD OF LEARNING. 419 00:19:14,386 --> 00:19:16,149 CAN YOU SMELL GAS, OR IS IT ME? 420 00:19:16,188 --> 00:19:17,155 LOOKS JOLLY GOOD. 421 00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:18,247 HELLO, BIG BOY. 422 00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:19,587 OO, VARDA THE OME. 423 00:19:19,625 --> 00:19:21,320 DO YOU WANT A NICE TIME? 424 00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:23,055 VERY GOOD. 425 00:19:23,128 --> 00:19:25,028 THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR. 426 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,358 AND WE CONTROL EVERYTHING FROM HERE. 427 00:19:30,402 --> 00:19:31,369 SUPERB. 428 00:19:31,403 --> 00:19:32,370 WELL, WHAT SORT OF THING 429 00:19:32,404 --> 00:19:33,371 WERE YOU LOOKING FOR? 430 00:19:33,405 --> 00:19:34,667 WELL, REALLY SOMETHING 431 00:19:34,706 --> 00:19:37,266 TO MAKE ME A LITTLE LESS INSIGNIFICANT. 432 00:19:37,309 --> 00:19:39,470 OH, I SEE, SORT OF... 433 00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:41,274 "NOW, LOOK HERE, YOU MAY BE CHAIRMAN 434 00:19:41,313 --> 00:19:43,440 "BUT YOUR BLOODY PUSILLANIMOUS BEHAVIOR 435 00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:44,449 MAKES ME VOMIT!" 436 00:19:44,483 --> 00:19:45,541 THAT SORT OF THING? 437 00:19:45,584 --> 00:19:47,051 NO, NO, NO, NOT REALLY, NO. 438 00:19:47,085 --> 00:19:48,347 OH, I SEE, WELL, PERHAPS 439 00:19:48,387 --> 00:19:49,445 SOMETHING A BIT MORE 440 00:19:49,488 --> 00:19:50,819 SORT OF CLIVE JENKINS-ISH? 441 00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:51,880 PERHAPS, SORT OF: 442 00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:53,915 "MR. SMARMY SO- CALLED HAROLD WILSON 443 00:19:53,959 --> 00:19:55,426 "CAN CALL HIMSELF PRAGMATIC 444 00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:57,189 UNTIL HE'S BLUE IN THE BREAST!" 445 00:19:57,229 --> 00:19:58,924 NO, NOT REALLY. 446 00:19:58,964 --> 00:19:59,988 I REALLY WANT SOMETHING 447 00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:00,999 THAT WILL MAKE PEOPLE 448 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,557 BE ATTRACTED TO ME LIKE A MAGNET. 449 00:20:02,601 --> 00:20:03,932 OH, I SEE, WELL, YOU WANT OUR 450 00:20:03,969 --> 00:20:06,233 "LIFE AND SOUL OF THE PARTY" TAPE THEN, I THINK. 451 00:20:06,271 --> 00:20:07,238 WHAT'S THAT? 452 00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:08,261 WELL, IT'S SORT OF: 453 00:20:08,307 --> 00:20:09,365 HELLO, SQUIRE! 454 00:20:09,408 --> 00:20:10,602 HAVEN'T SEEN YOU FOR A BIT! 455 00:20:10,642 --> 00:20:12,507 HAVEN'T SEEN YOU FOR A BIT EITHER, BERYL. 456 00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:14,068 TWO PINTS OF WALLOP, PLEASE, LOVE. 457 00:20:14,112 --> 00:20:15,477 STILL DRIVING THE JENSEN, THEN? 458 00:20:15,514 --> 00:20:17,106 CHEER UP, JACK, IT MAY NEVER HAPPEN. 459 00:20:17,182 --> 00:20:18,274 WHAT'S YOUR POISON, THEN? 460 00:20:18,317 --> 00:20:19,284 FANTASTIC, YES. 461 00:20:19,318 --> 00:20:20,376 RIGHT, I'LL JUST SEE 462 00:20:20,419 --> 00:20:21,681 IF WE'VE GOT THE TAPE. 463 00:20:39,938 --> 00:20:42,099 START AGAIN. 464 00:20:45,477 --> 00:20:49,971 MOUNT EVEREST... FORBIDDING, ALOOF, TERRIFYING. 465 00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:51,505 THE HIGHEST PLACE ON EARTH. 466 00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:53,347 NO, I'M SORRY, WE DON'T GO THERE. 467 00:20:54,386 --> 00:20:56,047 GOOD MORNING. 468 00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:58,488 OH, GOOD MORNING. 469 00:20:58,523 --> 00:21:00,115 DO YOU WANT TO GO UPSTAIRS? 470 00:21:00,158 --> 00:21:01,386 WHAT? 471 00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:03,291 DO YOU WANT TO GO UPSTAIRS? 472 00:21:03,328 --> 00:21:04,522 OR HAVE YOU COME 473 00:21:04,563 --> 00:21:05,894 TO ARRANGE A HOLIDAY? 474 00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,398 UH, TO ARRANGE A HOLIDAY. 475 00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:09,024 OH, SORRY. 476 00:21:10,235 --> 00:21:12,066 WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT GOING UPSTAIRS? 477 00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,366 OH, NOTHING, NOTHING. 478 00:21:13,405 --> 00:21:15,032 NOW, WHERE WERE YOU THINKING OF GOING? 479 00:21:15,073 --> 00:21:15,971 INDIA. 480 00:21:16,008 --> 00:21:17,805 AH, ONE OF OUR ADVENTURE HOLIDAYS. 481 00:21:17,843 --> 00:21:18,810 YES. 482 00:21:18,844 --> 00:21:19,811 WELL, YOU'D BETTER SPEAK 483 00:21:19,845 --> 00:21:20,937 TO MR. BOUNDER ABOUT THAT. 484 00:21:20,979 --> 00:21:22,105 MR. BOUNDER, THIS GENTLEMAN 485 00:21:22,147 --> 00:21:23,671 IS INTERESTED IN THE INDIA OVERLAND. 486 00:21:23,715 --> 00:21:24,841 AH, GOOD MORNING. 487 00:21:24,883 --> 00:21:26,441 I'M BOUNDER OF ADVENTURE. 488 00:21:26,485 --> 00:21:28,180 MORNING, MY NAME IS 489 00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:29,187 SMOKE-TOO-MUCH. 490 00:21:29,221 --> 00:21:30,848 WHAT? 491 00:21:30,889 --> 00:21:33,915 MY NAME IS SMOKE-TOO-MUCH, MR. SMOKE-TOO-MUCH. 492 00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:35,187 WELL, YOU'D BETTER CUT DOWN A BIT, THEN. 493 00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:37,489 WHAT? 494 00:21:37,529 --> 00:21:39,622 YOU'D BETTER CUT DOWN A BIT, THEN. 495 00:21:39,665 --> 00:21:41,462 OH, I SEE. 496 00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:42,558 CUT DOWN A BIT 497 00:21:42,601 --> 00:21:43,625 FOR SMOKE-TOO-MUCH. 498 00:21:43,669 --> 00:21:44,636 YES. 499 00:21:44,670 --> 00:21:45,637 I EXPECT YOU GET PEOPLE 500 00:21:45,671 --> 00:21:47,161 MAKING JOKES ABOUT YOUR NAME ALL THE TIME, EH? 501 00:21:47,205 --> 00:21:49,537 NO, NO. 502 00:21:50,776 --> 00:21:53,643 ACTUALLY, IT NEVER STRUCK ME BEFORE. 503 00:21:53,679 --> 00:21:57,376 SMOKE... TOO... MUCH! 504 00:21:57,416 --> 00:22:00,078 ANYWAY, YOU'RE INTERESTED IN ONE OF OUR ADVENTURE HOLIDAYS, EH? 505 00:22:00,118 --> 00:22:02,916 YES, YES, I SAW YOUR ADVERT IN THE BOLOR SUPPLEMENT. 506 00:22:02,954 --> 00:22:04,148 THE WHAT? 507 00:22:04,189 --> 00:22:05,679 THE BOLOR SUPPLEMENT. 508 00:22:05,724 --> 00:22:06,691 THE COLOR SUPPLEMENT? 509 00:22:06,725 --> 00:22:07,783 YES, I'M SORRY 510 00:22:07,826 --> 00:22:09,054 I CAN'T SAY THE LETTER "B." 511 00:22:09,094 --> 00:22:10,356 "C." 512 00:22:10,395 --> 00:22:11,589 YES, THAT'S RIGHT. 513 00:22:11,630 --> 00:22:13,723 IT'S ALL DUE TO A TRAUMA I SUFFERED 514 00:22:13,765 --> 00:22:15,130 WHEN I WAS A SPOOLBOY. 515 00:22:15,167 --> 00:22:17,067 I WAS ATTACKED BY A BAT. 516 00:22:17,102 --> 00:22:18,000 A CAT? 517 00:22:18,036 --> 00:22:19,526 NO, A BAT. 518 00:22:19,571 --> 00:22:22,039 CAN YOU SAY THE LETTER "K"? 519 00:22:22,074 --> 00:22:26,204 OH, YES, KHAKI, KING, KETTLE, KUWAIT, KEBLE BOLLEGE OXFORD. 520 00:22:26,244 --> 00:22:29,680 WHY DON'T YOU SAY THE LETTER "K" INSTEAD OF THE LETTER "C"? 521 00:22:29,715 --> 00:22:32,377 WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SPELL "BOLOR" WITH A "K"? 522 00:22:32,417 --> 00:22:32,906 YES. 523 00:22:32,951 --> 00:22:33,918 KOLOR. 524 00:22:33,952 --> 00:22:35,214 YES. 525 00:22:35,253 --> 00:22:37,619 OH, THAT'S VERY GOOD, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT. 526 00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:40,818 WELL, I SAW YOUR ADVERT IN THE PAPER 527 00:22:40,859 --> 00:22:43,259 AND I'VE BEEN ON PACKAGE TOURS SEVERAL TIMES, YOU SEE 528 00:22:43,328 --> 00:22:44,989 AND I DECIDED THAT THIS WAS FOR ME. 529 00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:46,054 OH, GOOD. 530 00:22:46,098 --> 00:22:47,429 YES, I QUITE AGREE WITH YOU. 531 00:22:47,466 --> 00:22:48,433 I MEAN, WHAT'S THE POINT 532 00:22:48,467 --> 00:22:49,661 OF BEING TREATED LIKE A SHEEP? 533 00:22:49,701 --> 00:22:51,134 I MEAN, I'M FED UP OF GOING ABROAD 534 00:22:51,169 --> 00:22:52,466 AND BEING TREATED LIKE SHEEP. 535 00:22:52,504 --> 00:22:54,267 WHAT'S THE POINT OF BEING CARTED AROUND IN BUSES 536 00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:55,772 SURROUNDED BY SWEATY, MINDLESS OAFS 537 00:22:55,807 --> 00:22:56,967 FROM KETTERING AND BOVENTRY? 538 00:22:57,008 --> 00:22:58,942 THEIR CLOTH CAPS AND THEIR CARDIGANS 539 00:22:58,977 --> 00:23:00,444 AND THEIR TRANSISTOR RADIOS 540 00:23:00,479 --> 00:23:01,810 AND THEIR SUNDA Y MIRRORS 541 00:23:01,847 --> 00:23:03,280 BOMPLAINING ABOUT THE TEA... 542 00:23:03,348 --> 00:23:04,906 "OH, THEY DON'T MAKE IT PROPERLY HERE, DO THEY? 543 00:23:04,950 --> 00:23:06,281 NOT LIKE AT HOME." 544 00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:09,513 STOPPING AT MAJORCAN BODEGAS SELLING FISH AND CHIPS 545 00:23:09,554 --> 00:23:11,021 AND WATNEY'S RED BARREL 546 00:23:11,056 --> 00:23:12,284 AND CALAMARES AND TWO VEG 547 00:23:12,324 --> 00:23:13,951 AND SITTING IN COTTON SUN FROCKS 548 00:23:13,992 --> 00:23:15,755 SQUIRTING TIMOTHY WHITE'S SUN CREAM 549 00:23:15,794 --> 00:23:18,388 ALL OVER THEIR PUFFY, RAW, SWOLLEN, PURULENT FLESH 550 00:23:18,430 --> 00:23:19,488 BECAUSE THEY OVERDID IT 551 00:23:19,531 --> 00:23:20,498 ON THE FIRST DAY! 552 00:23:20,532 --> 00:23:22,124 YES, ABSOLUTELY, I QUITE AGREE. 553 00:23:22,167 --> 00:23:25,500 AND BEING HERDED INTO ENDLESS HOTEL MIRAMARS 554 00:23:25,537 --> 00:23:27,937 AND BELLVUESES AND BONTINENTALS 555 00:23:27,973 --> 00:23:28,940 WITH THEIR INTERNATIONAL 556 00:23:28,974 --> 00:23:29,941 LUXURY MODERN ROOMETTES 557 00:23:29,975 --> 00:23:30,942 AND THEIR WATNEY'S RED BARREL 558 00:23:30,976 --> 00:23:31,943 AND THEIR SWIMMING POOLS 559 00:23:31,977 --> 00:23:33,069 FULL OF FAT GERMAN BUSINESSMEN 560 00:23:33,111 --> 00:23:34,078 PRETENDING TO BE ACROBATS 561 00:23:34,112 --> 00:23:36,637 AND FORMING PYRAMIDS 562 00:23:36,681 --> 00:23:37,705 AND FRIGHTENING THE CHILDREN 563 00:23:37,749 --> 00:23:39,011 BARGING INTO THE QUEUES 564 00:23:39,050 --> 00:23:40,312 AND IF YOU'RE NOT AT YOUR TABLE SPOT ON SEVEN 565 00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:41,511 YOU MISS YOUR BOWL 566 00:23:41,553 --> 00:23:42,986 OF CAMPBELL'S CREAM OF MUSHROOM SOUP 567 00:23:43,021 --> 00:23:45,683 THE FIRST ITEM ON THE MENU OF INTERNATIONAL CUISINE. 568 00:23:45,724 --> 00:23:46,952 AND EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT 569 00:23:46,992 --> 00:23:48,584 THERE'S BLOODY CABARET IN THE BAR 570 00:23:48,627 --> 00:23:50,288 FEATURING SOME TINY, EMACIATED DAGO 571 00:23:50,328 --> 00:23:51,295 WITH NINE-INCH HIPS 572 00:23:51,329 --> 00:23:52,796 AND SOME BIG, FAT, BLOATED TART 573 00:23:52,831 --> 00:23:54,958 WITH HER HAIR BRYLCREEMED DOWN AND A BIG ARSE 574 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,695 PRESENTING FLAMENCO FOR FOREIGNERS. 575 00:23:56,735 --> 00:23:57,702 YES, YES, QUITE... 576 00:23:57,736 --> 00:23:58,998 AND THEN SURROUNDED 577 00:23:59,037 --> 00:24:01,005 BY ADENOIDAL TYPISTS FROM BIRMINGHAM 578 00:24:01,039 --> 00:24:02,973 WITH DIARRHEA AND FLABBY WHITE LEGS 579 00:24:03,008 --> 00:24:05,476 AND HAIRY, BANDY-LEGGED WOP WAITERS CALLED MANUEL 580 00:24:05,510 --> 00:24:06,670 AND THEN ONCE A WEEK 581 00:24:06,711 --> 00:24:09,043 THERE'S AN EXCURSION TO THE LOCAL ROMAN RUINS 582 00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:11,605 WHERE YOU CAN BUY CHERRYADE AND MELTED ICE CREAM 583 00:24:11,650 --> 00:24:13,277 AND BLEEDIN' WATNEY'S RED BARREL 584 00:24:13,318 --> 00:24:14,307 AND THEN ONE NIGHT 585 00:24:14,352 --> 00:24:16,149 THEY TAKE YOU TO A LOCAL RESTAURANT 586 00:24:16,188 --> 00:24:18,281 WITH LOCAL COLOR AND COLORING AND THEY SHOW YOU THERE 587 00:24:18,323 --> 00:24:20,188 AND YOU SIT NEXT TO A PARTY OF PEOPLE FROM RHYL 588 00:24:24,796 --> 00:24:26,058 AND COMPLAINING ABOUT THE FOOD. 589 00:24:26,097 --> 00:24:27,359 "OH, IT'S SO GREASY, ISN'T IT?" 590 00:24:27,432 --> 00:24:28,956 AND THEN YOU GET CORNERED 591 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:32,060 BY SOME DRUNKEN GREENGROCER FROM LUTON WITH AN INSTAMATIC 592 00:24:32,103 --> 00:24:34,901 AND DR. SCHOLL SANDALS AND TUESDAY'S DAILY EXPRESS 593 00:24:34,940 --> 00:24:36,669 AND HE DRONES ON AND ON AND ON 594 00:24:36,708 --> 00:24:39,575 ABOUT HOW MR. SMITH SHOULD BE RUNNING THIS COUNTRY. 595 00:24:39,611 --> 00:24:41,135 QUIET, PLEASE. 596 00:24:41,179 --> 00:24:42,373 AND THEN HE THROWS UP 597 00:24:42,447 --> 00:24:43,937 ALL OVER THE CUBA LIBRES. 598 00:24:43,982 --> 00:24:45,142 WILL YOU BE QUIET, PLEASE? 599 00:24:45,183 --> 00:24:46,343 ...POSTCARDS OF PLACES 600 00:24:46,384 --> 00:24:48,079 THEY DON'T KNOW THEY HAVEN'T EVEN VISITED 601 00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:49,814 "TO ALL AT NUMBER 22, WEATHER WONDERFUL. 602 00:24:49,855 --> 00:24:51,152 OUR ROOM MARKED WITH AN 'X'..." 603 00:24:51,189 --> 00:24:52,247 SHUT UP! 604 00:24:52,290 --> 00:24:53,257 "FOOD VERY GREASY 605 00:24:53,291 --> 00:24:54,485 "BUT WE HAVE MANAGED TO FIND 606 00:24:54,526 --> 00:24:56,391 THIS MARVELOUS LITTLE PLACE HIDDEN AWAY..." 607 00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:57,792 SHUT UP! 608 00:24:57,829 --> 00:24:59,888 "...WATNEY'S RED BARREL AND CHEESE AND ONION." 609 00:24:59,931 --> 00:25:00,761 SHUT UP! 610 00:25:00,799 --> 00:25:02,096 AND THE ACCORDIONIST PLAYS... 611 00:25:02,133 --> 00:25:04,795 SHUT YOUR BLOODY GOB! 612 00:25:04,836 --> 00:25:06,201 OH, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS. 613 00:25:06,238 --> 00:25:07,671 I'M GOING TO RING THE POLICE. 614 00:25:07,706 --> 00:25:08,673 ...NOTHING TO EAT 615 00:25:08,707 --> 00:25:09,799 BUT DRIED WATNEY'S SANDWICHES. 616 00:25:11,343 --> 00:25:13,106 OH, TAKE IT OFF THE HOOK. 617 00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:17,072 ...AND THERE'S NOWHERE TO SLEEP... 618 00:25:17,115 --> 00:25:18,412 HELLO, OPERATOR? OPERATOR? 619 00:25:18,450 --> 00:25:21,851 YES, OPERATOR, I'M TRYING TO GET THE POLICE. 620 00:25:21,887 --> 00:25:24,082 YES, YES... THE POLICE! 621 00:25:24,122 --> 00:25:26,556 YES, WHAT? 622 00:25:29,461 --> 00:25:32,658 NINE AND A HALF... NINE AND A HALF! 623 00:25:32,697 --> 00:25:34,426 ...WHEN YOU GET TO MALAGA AIRPORT 624 00:25:34,499 --> 00:25:35,898 EVERYBODY'S SWALLOWING... 625 00:25:35,934 --> 00:25:38,732 WHAT? 626 00:25:38,770 --> 00:25:40,704 SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING. 627 00:25:40,739 --> 00:25:43,071 WILL YOU COME THIS WAY, PLEASE? 628 00:25:53,351 --> 00:25:54,682 HERE THEY ARE. 629 00:25:54,719 --> 00:25:55,686 RIGHT. 630 00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:57,813 JUST HERE WILL DO FINE. 631 00:25:57,856 --> 00:25:58,948 BYE-BYE. 632 00:26:00,892 --> 00:26:02,018 GOOD EVENING. 633 00:26:13,271 --> 00:26:15,171 I HAVE WITH ME TONIGHT 634 00:26:15,206 --> 00:26:17,174 ANNE ELK, MRS. ANNE ELK. 635 00:26:17,208 --> 00:26:19,608 MISS. 636 00:26:19,644 --> 00:26:22,306 YOU HAVE A NEW THEORY ABOUT THE BRONTOSAURUS. 637 00:26:22,347 --> 00:26:24,975 CAN I JUST SAY HERE, CHRIS, FOR ONE MOMENT 638 00:26:25,016 --> 00:26:28,076 THAT I HAVE A NEW THEORY ABOUT THE BRONTOSAURUS? 639 00:26:30,589 --> 00:26:32,580 EXACTLY. 640 00:26:40,665 --> 00:26:41,893 WHAT IS IT? 641 00:26:43,702 --> 00:26:45,226 WHERE? 642 00:26:46,338 --> 00:26:48,829 I MEAN YOUR NEW THEORY. 643 00:26:48,873 --> 00:26:50,397 OH, WHAT IS MY THEORY? 644 00:26:50,442 --> 00:26:52,876 OH, WHAT IS MY THEORY, THAT IT IS. 645 00:26:52,911 --> 00:26:55,505 WELL, CHRIS, YOU MAY WELL ASK ME 646 00:26:55,580 --> 00:26:57,104 WHAT IS MY THEORY. 647 00:26:59,184 --> 00:27:00,151 I AM ASKING. 648 00:27:00,185 --> 00:27:01,277 GOOD FOR YOU. 649 00:27:01,319 --> 00:27:02,786 MY WORD, YES. 650 00:27:02,821 --> 00:27:04,721 WELL, CHRIS, WHAT IS IT THAT IT IS 651 00:27:04,756 --> 00:27:05,882 THIS THEORY OF MINE? 652 00:27:05,924 --> 00:27:07,687 WELL, THIS IS WHAT IT IS. 653 00:27:07,726 --> 00:27:09,193 MY THEORY THAT I HAVE 654 00:27:09,227 --> 00:27:11,286 THAT IS TO SAY, WHICH IS MINE 655 00:27:11,329 --> 00:27:12,819 IS MINE. 656 00:27:12,864 --> 00:27:15,526 YES, I KNOW IT'S YOURS. 657 00:27:15,567 --> 00:27:16,932 WHAT IS IT? 658 00:27:18,203 --> 00:27:20,694 WHERE? 659 00:27:20,739 --> 00:27:22,001 YOUR THEORY. 660 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:23,974 OH, WHAT IS MY... 661 00:27:24,009 --> 00:27:24,737 THIS IS IT. 662 00:27:40,425 --> 00:27:43,360 MY THEORY THAT BELONGS TO ME 663 00:27:43,395 --> 00:27:44,987 IS AS FOLLOWS. 664 00:27:51,169 --> 00:27:52,636 THIS IS HOW IT GOES. 665 00:27:58,009 --> 00:27:59,772 THE NEXT THING I'M GOING TO SAY 666 00:27:59,811 --> 00:28:00,778 IS MY THEORY. 667 00:28:00,812 --> 00:28:03,007 READY? 668 00:28:03,048 --> 00:28:04,140 MY THEORY, BY A. ELK... 669 00:28:04,182 --> 00:28:05,547 BRACKETS, MISS, BRACKETS... 670 00:28:05,583 --> 00:28:08,780 THIS THEORY GOES AS FOLLOWS AND BEGINS NOW: 671 00:28:08,820 --> 00:28:11,050 ALL BRONTOSAURUSES ARE THIN AT ONE END 672 00:28:11,089 --> 00:28:13,216 MUCH, MUCH THICKER IN THE MIDDLE 673 00:28:13,258 --> 00:28:15,590 AND THEN THIN AGAIN AT THE FAR END. 674 00:28:16,928 --> 00:28:18,395 THAT IS MY THEORY. 675 00:28:18,430 --> 00:28:20,591 IT IS MINE AND BELONGS TO ME 676 00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:23,361 AND I OWN IT AND WHAT IT IS, TOO. 677 00:28:23,401 --> 00:28:25,232 THAT'S IT, IS IT? 678 00:28:25,270 --> 00:28:28,296 SPOT ON, CHRIS. 679 00:28:28,339 --> 00:28:29,601 WELL, THIS THEORY OF YOURS 680 00:28:29,674 --> 00:28:31,733 APPEARS TO HAVE HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD. 681 00:28:31,776 --> 00:28:33,903 AND IT'S MINE. 682 00:28:33,945 --> 00:28:36,607 YES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING ALONG TO THE STUDIO. 683 00:28:36,681 --> 00:28:38,273 MY PLEASURE, CHRIS. 684 00:28:38,316 --> 00:28:39,442 NEXT WEEK, BRITAIN'S... 685 00:28:39,484 --> 00:28:40,610 IT'S BEEN A LOT OF FUN. 686 00:28:40,652 --> 00:28:41,710 YES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 687 00:28:41,753 --> 00:28:42,879 SAYING WHAT MY THEORY IS. 688 00:28:42,921 --> 00:28:43,888 YES, THANK YOU. 689 00:28:43,922 --> 00:28:44,889 AND WHOSE IT IS. 690 00:28:44,923 --> 00:28:46,720 YES, THANK YOU, THAT'S ALL. 691 00:28:46,758 --> 00:28:48,589 I HAVE ANOTHER THEORY... 692 00:28:48,626 --> 00:28:49,593 YES... 693 00:28:49,627 --> 00:28:50,616 CALLED MY SECOND THEORY 694 00:28:50,729 --> 00:28:51,787 OR MY THEORY NUMBER TWO 695 00:28:51,830 --> 00:28:53,525 WHICH I COULD EXPOUND WITHOUT DOUBT. 696 00:28:54,566 --> 00:28:55,533 THIS SECOND THEORY... 697 00:28:55,567 --> 00:28:56,625 YES? 698 00:28:56,668 --> 00:28:58,329 WHICH WITH THE ONE THAT I HAVE SAID... 699 00:28:58,369 --> 00:28:59,529 I'M TRYING... 700 00:28:59,571 --> 00:29:00,629 WHICH ARE MINE 701 00:29:00,705 --> 00:29:01,637 AND WHICH BELONG TO ME... 702 00:29:02,974 --> 00:29:04,999 NINE AND HALF, WIDE FITTING. 703 00:29:05,043 --> 00:29:06,203 GOES LIKE THIS. 704 00:29:06,244 --> 00:29:08,007 BALLEYS OF BOND STREET. 705 00:29:08,046 --> 00:29:09,343 WHAT? 706 00:29:11,816 --> 00:29:13,909 NO, SORT OF BROGUE. 707 00:29:13,952 --> 00:29:16,420 THIS IS WHAT IT IS. 708 00:29:18,556 --> 00:29:21,855 EIGHT AND A HALF. 709 00:29:26,264 --> 00:29:27,526 THIS IS IT. 710 00:29:27,565 --> 00:29:29,658 MY SECOND THEORY... 711 00:29:37,776 --> 00:29:39,801 EXCUSE ME! 712 00:29:42,147 --> 00:29:43,671 HELLO, YES, YES? 713 00:29:43,748 --> 00:29:46,216 ...PROMISES YOU THAT THE RAGING CHOLERA EPIDEMIC... 714 00:29:46,251 --> 00:29:48,481 THE FIRE BRIGADE ARE HERE! 715 00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:49,851 THEY'RE COMING! 716 00:29:49,888 --> 00:29:50,877 HELLO? 717 00:29:50,922 --> 00:29:52,287 NO, NO, I THINK THEY'RE ALL 718 00:29:52,323 --> 00:29:54,416 PART OF THE BRITISH SHOE CORPORATION NOW. 719 00:29:54,459 --> 00:29:58,293 CHRIS, THIS OTHER THEORY OF MINE... 720 00:30:00,632 --> 00:30:02,395 THE SECOND THEORY... 721 00:30:04,502 --> 00:30:06,299 MY SECOND THEORY STATES 722 00:30:06,337 --> 00:30:08,202 THAT FIRE BRIGADE CHOIRS 723 00:30:08,239 --> 00:30:11,299 SELDOM SING SONGS ABOUT MARCEL PROUST. 724 00:30:14,746 --> 00:30:17,044 START AGAIN. 725 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:23,000 Ripped & Corrected By mstoll