THIS IS CAPTAIN MacPHERSON
WELCOMING YOU ABOARD EAST SCOTTISH AIRWAYS.
YOU'LL HAVE HAD YOUR TEA.
OUR DESTINATION IS GLASGOW.
THERE IS NO NEED TO PANIC.
THERE'S A BOMB ONBOARD THIS PLANE
AND I'LL TELL YOU WHERE IT IS
FOR A THOUSAND POUNDS.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHERE THE BOMB IS...
IF I DON'T GIVE YOU THE MONEY...
UNLESS YOU GIVE ME THE BOMB...
THE MONEY.
THE MONEY... THANK YOU, PRETTY LADY...
THE BOMB WILL EXPLODE, KILLING EVERYBODY.
INCLUDING YOU.
I'LL TELL YOU WHERE IT IS FOR A POUND.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S A POUND.
I DON'T WANT SCOTTISH MONEY.
THEY'VE GOT THE NUMBERS.
IT CAN BE TRACED.
ONE ENGLISH POUND.
NOW, WHERE'S THE BOMB?
I CAN'T REMEMBER.
YOU'VE FORGOTTEN?
AYE, YOU'D BETTER HAVE YOUR POUND BACK.
OH... FINGERPRINTS.
NOW, WHERE'S THE BOMB?
WAIT A TICK, WAIT A TICK.
MY FIRST IS IN GLASGOW, BUT NOT IN SPAIN.
MY SECOND IS IN STEAMER, BUT NOT IN TRAIN.
MY WHOLE IS IN THE LUGGAGE COMPARTMENT ON THE PLANE.
I'LL TELL YOU WHERE THE BOMB IS FOR A POUND.
IT'S IN THE LUGGAGE COMPARTMENT.
RIGHT, HERE'S YOUR POUND.
IS THIS CHARACTER GIVING YOU ANY TROUBLE?
HE'S JUST RUINED THIS SKETCH.
YES, ABSOLUTELY.
LET'S GO ON TO THE NEXT ONE.
WAIT A TICK, WAIT A TICK.
I WON'T RUIN YOUR SKETCH FOR A POUND.
NO, NO.
75p.
NEXT ITEM.
WELL, I SEE MY ROLE IN IT AS...
OH, HOW CAN I PUT IT... THE NUDE MAN
AS SORT OF SYMBOLIZING THE TWO SEPARATE STRANDS OF EXISTENCE
THE ESSENTIAL NUDITY OF MAN...
OH, UM...
IT'S A VERY INTERESTING QUESTION.
PERSONALLY, I RATHER ADHERE
TO THE BERGSONIAN IDEA OF LAUGHTER
AS A SOCIAL SANCTION
AGAINST INFLEXIBLE BEHAVIOR, BUT...
EXCUSE ME.
AND NOW...
IT'S...
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUSES.
WELL, WE'LL BE CONTINUING
WITH MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS
IN JUST A MOMENT.
YES, YES, WE'RE GOING BACK TO THE SHOW
IN JUST ONE MOMENT FROM...
NOW.
THIS NEW HOUSING DEVELOPMENT IN BRISTOL IS
ONE OF THE MOST INTERESTING IN THE COUNTRY.
IT'S USING A VARIETY OF NEW TECHNIQUES...
SHOCKPROOF CURTAIN WALLING
A CENTRAL HIGH-VOLTAGE, SELF- GENERATING ELECTRICITY SOURCE
AND EXTRUDED ACRYLIC FIBERGLASS FITMENTS.
IT'S ALSO THE FIRST MAJOR HOUSING PROJECT IN BRITAIN
TO BE BUILT ENTIRELY
BY CHARACTERS BY 19th-CENTURY ENGLISH LITERATURE.
HERE, LITTLE NELL FROM DICKENS' OLD CURIOSITY SHOP
FITS NEW NYLON SIPHONS INTO THE ASBESTOS-LINED CEILING.
BUT IT'S THE ELECTRICAL SYSTEM
WHICH HAS ATTRACTED THE MOST ATTENTION.
ARTHUR HUNTINGTON, WHO HELEN GRAHAM MARRIED AS A YOUNG GIRL
AND WHOSE SHAMELESS CONDUCT
EVENTUALLY DROVE HER BACK TO HER BROTHER, LAWRENCE
IN ANNE BRONTE'S THE TENANT OF WILDFELL HALL
DESCRIBES WHY IT'S UNIQUE.
BECAUSE, SIR, IT IS SELF-GENERATING.
BECAUSE WE HAVE HARNESSED HERE, IN THIS BOX
THE VERY FORCES OF LIFE ITSELF
THE VERY FORCES THAT WILL SEND HELEN RUNNING BACK
TO BEG FORGIVENESS.
THE ON-SITE BUILDING TECHNIQUES INVOLVE THE CONSTRUCTION
OF 12-FOOT WALLING BLOCKS
BY A CROWD OF FARMHANDS FROM TESS OF THE D'URBERVILLES
SUPERVISED BY THE GENIAL LANDLADY, MRS. JUPP
FROM SAMUEL BUTLER'S WAY OF ALL FLESH.
IN CONTRAST TO THE SITE IN BRISTOL IS PROGRESS HERE
ON BRITAIN'S FIRST 18-LEVEL MOTORWAY INTERCHANGE
BEING BUILT BY CHARACTERS FROM MILTON'S PARADISE LOST.
WHAT WENT WRONG HERE?
WELL, NOBODY REALLY GOT ON.
SATAN DIDN'T GET ON WITH EVE...
UH... ARCHANGEL GABRIEL DIDN'T GET ON WITH SATAN.
NOBODY GOT ON WITH THE SERPENT.
SO NOW THEY HAVE TO WORK A ROTA...
FORCES OF GOOD FROM 10:00 TILL 3:00
FORCES OF EVIL, 3:00 TILL 6:00.
BUT EVEN MORE MODERN BUILDING TECHNIQUES ARE BEING USED
ON AN EXPANDING NEW TOWN SITE NEAR PETERBOROUGH.
HERE, THE AMAZING MYSTICO AND JANET
CAN PUT UP A BLOCK OF FLATS BY HYPNOSIS IN UNDER A MINUTE.
THE LOCAL COUNCIL HERE HAVE
OVER 50 HYPNOSIS-INDUCED 25-STORY BLOCKS
PUT UP BY EL MYSTICO AND JANET.
I ASKED MR. KEN VERYBIGLIAR THE ADVANTAGES OF HYPNOSIS
COMPARED TO OTHER BUILDING METHODS.
OH, THERE IS A CONSIDERABLE FINANCIAL ADVANTAGE
IN USING THE SERVICES OF EL MYSTICO.
A BLOCK, LIKE MYSTICO POINT HERE
WOULD NORMALLY COST IN THE REGION OF £1½ MILLION.
BUT THIS WAS PUT UP FOR FIVE POUNDS
AND 30 BOB FOR JANET.
BUT THE OBVIOUS QUESTION IS, ARE THEY SAFE?
OF COURSE THEY'RE SAFE.
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT.
THEY'RE AS STRONG, SOLID AND AS SAFE
AS ANY OTHER BUILDING METHOD IN THIS COUNTRY
PROVIDED, OF COURSE, PEOPLE BELIEVE IN THEM.
YES, WE RECEIVED A NOTE FROM THE COUNCIL
SAYING THAT IF WE CEASED TO BELIEVE IN THIS BUILDING
IT WOULD FALL DOWN.
YOU DON'T MIND LIVING
IN A FIGMENT OF ANOTHER MAN'S IMAGINATION?
NO, IT'S MUCH BETTER THAN WHERE WE USED TO LIVE.
WHERE DID YOU USED TO LIVE?
WE HAD AN 18-ROOM VILLA OVERLOOKING NICE.
REALLY? THAT SOUNDS MUCH BETTER.
OH, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
OH, NO, NO, NO!
OF COURSE NOT.
PHEW! THAT WAS CLOSE.
BUT THE CONSTRUCTION OF THESE VAST NEW HOUSING DEVELOPMENTS
PROVIDING HOMES FOR MANY THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE
IS NOT THE ONLY PROJECT TO WHICH HE HAS APPLIED HIS MANY TALENTS.
HE ALSO HAS AN INFALLIBLE POOLS METHOD
A SCHOOL OF SPANISH DANCING AND A CAR HIRE SERVICE.
WHAT'S THE DRIVING FORCE
BEHIND A MAN OF SUCH RESTLESS ENERGIES AND BOUNDLESS VISION?
HERE, AS WITH SO MANY GREAT MEN OF HISTORY
THE ANSWER LIES IN A WOMAN.
AS ANTONY HAS HIS CLEOPATRA...
AS NAPOLEON HAS HIS JOSEPHINE...
SO MYSTICO HAS HIS JANET.
YES, JANET, A QUIET, SHY GIRL
AN HONORS GRADUATE FROM HARVARD UNIVERSITY
AMERICAN JUNIOR SPRINT RECORD HOLDER
EX-WORLD SKATING CHAMPION, NOBEL PRIZE WINNER
ARCHITECT, NOVELIST AND SURGEON.
THE GIRL WHO HELPED CRACK THE OPPENHEIMER SPY RING IN 1947
SHE GAVE VITAL EVIDENCE
TO THE SENATE NARCOTICS COMMISSION IN 1958.
SHE ALSO HELPED TO CONVICT THE WOMAN AT THE CHEMIST'S IN 1961
AND A YEAR LATER, SHE GAVE POLICE INFORMATION
WHICH LED TO THE ARREST OF HER POSTMAN.
IN OCTOBER OF THAT SAME YEAR
SHE SECURED THE CONVICTION OF HER GARDENER FOR BIGAMY
AND THREE MONTHS LATER
PERSONALLY LED THE POLICE SWOOP ON THE COUPLE NEXT DOOR.
IN 1967, SHE BECAME SUSPICIOUS OF THE MAN AT THE GARAGE
AND IT WAS HER DOGGED PERSEVERANCE
AND RELENTLESS INQUIRIES
THAT, TWO YEARS LATER, FINALLY SECURED HIS CONVICTION
FOR NOT HAVING A LICENSE FOR HIS CAR RADIO.
HE WAS HANGED AT LEEDS A YEAR LATER
DESPITE THE ABOLITION OF CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
AND THE PUBLIC OUTCRY.
ALSO IN LEEDS THAT YEAR, A LOCAL BUTCHER WAS HANGED
FOR DEFAULTING ON MORTGAGE REPAYMENTS
AND A MR. JARVIS WAS ELECTROCUTED
FOR SHOUTING IN THE CORRIDOR.
WE ADMIT THERE HAVE BEEN OUTBREAKS OF HANGING RECENTLY
BUT THE POLICE ARE TRYING
TO KEEP THE SITUATION UNDER CONTROL.
YOU MUST REMEMBER THE COURTS ARE VERY BUSY AT THE MOMENT
AND THE ODD DEATH SENTENCE IS BOUND TO SLIP THROUGH.
ELECTROCUTIONS ARE ANOTHER BIG WORRY
BUT WE HOPE THAT GUILLOTINING HAS BEEN ERADICATED
FROM THE URBAN AREAS
AND GARROTING IS CONFINED ALMOST ENTIRELY TO LUTON.
SO IF YOU HAVE A FRIEND IN PRISON
OR UNDER SENTENCE OF DEATH
BE SURE TO LET US KNOW AT THIS ADDRESS.
...and Premier Chou En-lai
who called it "a major breakthrough."
Twelve men were accidentally hanged
at Whitby Assizes this afternoon
whilst considering their verdict.
This is one of the worst miscarriages of justice
in Britain since Tuesday.
Well, it's 13 minutes to the hour of nine, nine, nine
here on wonderful Radio One-One-One
so if you're still lying in your big, big bed
now's the time to get up out of it.
We've got another 13 hours of tiptop sounds
here on Wonderful Radio One.
Oh, sorry about that.
So unless you have brain cells
or have completed the process of evolution
there's a wonderful day ah...
MUST BE ON RADIO FOUR.
RADIO TWO...
RADIO THREE...
RADIO FOUR.
It's 9:00 and time for Mortuary Hour...
an hour of talks, tunes and downright tomfoolery
for all those who work in mortuaries
introduced as usual by Shirley Bassey.
Well, we're going to kick straight off this week
with our Mortuary Quiz, so have your pens and pencils ready.
TURN THAT RADIO OFF AND LOOK LIVELY.
IT'S MORTUARY HOUR, MR. WANG.
DON'T ARGUE, BATTERSBY.
THIS IS OUR MORTUARY IN HERE, YOUR GRACE.
I SAY, I SAY, I, UH...
I, UH...
I, UH... I, UH...
I, I, I, UH... I, UH...
I, UH...
I... I... I...
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT.
WELL, WE'RE VERY PROUD OF IT HERE, SIR.
IT'S ONE OF THE MOST UP-TO-DATE IN THE COUNTRY.
I SEE, YES, YES, YES.
NOW, UM... WHAT ARE...
OH, UH...
WHAT ARE... UH...
WHAT ARE... WHAT...
WHAT ARE... WHAT IS IT?
IS IT A POWER STATION?
NO, YOUR GRACE, IT'S A MORTUARY.
I SEE, I SEE, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.
WELL, IT HAS
ONE OF THE MOST ADVANCED THERMOSTAT CONTROL SYSTEMS
IN THE COUNTRY
AND IT HAS COMPUTER CONTROL STORAGE FACILITIES.
I SEE, I SEE.
I, UM...
I, UH...
OH, I...
I, UH...
I, UH... I...
I'M A GOOD LITTLE DOGGIE.
I'M SORRY, YOUR GRACE?
I'M A GOOD LITTLE DOG.
OH, DEAR.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD POSTPONE THE VISIT.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
YOU SEE, IT'S JUST THAT HIS BRAIN IS SO TINY
THE SLIGHTEST MOVEMENT CAN DISLODGE IT.
YOUR GRACE?
OH, DEAR, IT'S RATHER
LIKE ONE OF THOSE GAMES YOU PLAY
WHERE YOU HAVE TO GET THE BALL INTO THE HOLE...
AH!
EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT.
NOW THEN, UH... UH...
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE STEEL IS POURED INTO THE INGOTS?
PERHAPS WE SHOULD GO AND HAVE A LOOK AT THE NEW SHOWERS.
YES, YES, YES, RATHER.
YES, YES, YES, JOLLY GOOD.
JOLLY GOOD, JOLLY GOOD.
JOLLY GOOD, NO FEAR.
Well, the answers were as follows:
Number one, the left hand;
two, no; three, normal; four, yes, it has, in 1963
when a bird got caught in the mechanism.
TURN THAT THING OFF.
IT'S "MORTUARY DANCE TIME," MR. WANG.
NEVER MIND THAT, BATTERSBY.
THIS IS THE BIG ONE.
I'VE JUST HAD WHITBY POLICE ON THE PHONE WITH 12 HANGEES.
OH, YEAH, WE JUST HEARD ABOUT THAT ON THE RADIOS.
NO, THESE ARE 12 DIFFERENT ONES, SO SHTOOM.
I'LL NOT INTERRUPT THIS SKETCH FOR A POUND.
WHAT?
FOR ONE POUND
I'LL LEAVE THE SKETCH TOTALLY UNINTERRUPTED.
50p?
I'M PREPARED TO NEGOTIATE A 40p DEAL.
FOR 35p, I WON'T INTERRUPT ANY OF THE NEXT THREE ITEMS.
NO, IT'S NO GOOD.
25p?
NO.
10p AND A KISS.
YOU SEE, IT'S VERY SIMPLE...
I JUST TAKE THESE CUTOUT FIGURES
AND BY PUTTING THEM TOGETHER...
WHAT?
OH, YOU MEAN WE'RE ON.
SORRY.
HMM?
WAIT, NIGEL.
I'VE GOT THIS STRANGE FEELING WE'RE BEING WATCHED.
OH, MY GOD, ROSE, IT'S THE POLICE.
RUN FOR IT!
OH, LUNCH BREAK.
GOTT IN HIMMEL!
IT'S COMING!
MEANWHILE, 55 YEARS LATER BACK IN LONDON...
HELLO, GOOD AFTERNOON
AND WELCOME TO THE SECOND LEG OF THE OLYMPIC FINAL
OF THE MEN'S HIDE-AND-SEEK
HERE IN THE HEART OF BRITAIN'S LONDON.
WE'LL BE STARTING IN JUST A COUPLE OF MOMENTS FROM NOW
AND THERE YOU CAN SEE THE TWO COMPETITORS...
FRANCISCO HURON, THE PARAGUAYAN
WHO, IN THIS LEG, IS THE SEEKER
AND THERE'S THE MAN HE'LL BE LOOKING FOR
OUR OWN DON ROBERTS FROM HINCKLEY IN LEICESTERSHIRE
WHO, HIS TRAINER TELLS ME
IS AT THE HEIGHT OF HIS SELF-SECRETING FORM.
NOW, IN THE FIRST LEG, WHICH ENDED ON WEDNESDAY
DON SUCCEEDED IN FINDING THE PARAGUAYAN
IN THE NEW WORLD RECORD TIME
OF 11 YEARS, TWO MONTHS, 26 DAYS
NINE HOURS, THREE MINUTES, 27.4 SECONDS
IN A SWEET SHOP IN KILMARNOCK.
AND NOW THEY'RE UNDER STARTER'S ORDERS.
ON YOUR MARKS...
GET SET...
UNO, DOS, TRES, CUATRO, QUINCE
SEIS, SIETE, OCHO, NUEVE, DIEZ...
ONCE, DOCE, TRECE, CATORCE, QUINCE
DIEZ Y SEIS, DIEZ Y SIETE, DIEZ...
VEINTIDOS, VEINTITRES, VEINTICUATRO, VEINTICINCO...
...TREINTA Y SEIS, TREINTA Y SIETE, TREINTA Y OCHO
TREINTA Y NUEVE...
WELL, DON'S OFF TO A REALLY GREAT START THERE.
REMEMBER, THE PARAGUAYAN HAS GOT
11 YEARS, TWO MONTHS, 26 DAYS, NINE HOURS
THREE MINUTES, 27.4 SECONDS TO BEAT.
...Y OCHO, NOVECIENTOS NOVENTA Y NUEVE...
MIL.
COMING!
WELL, WE'LL BE TAKING YOU BACK THERE
AS SOON AS THERE ARE ANY DEVELOPMENTS.
WE'VE JUST HEARD THAT SOMETHING IS HAPPENING
IN THE HIDE-AND-SEEK FINAL, SO LET'S GO STRAIGHT OVER THERE.
HELLO AGAIN, AND WELCOME TO MADAGASCAR
WHERE FRANCISCO HURON IS SEEKING DON ROBERTS.
AND I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD
THAT HE'S BEEN UNOFFICIALLY DESCRIBED AS "COLD."
AH, WAIT A MINUTE.
I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD
THAT HURON HAS REQUESTED A PLANE TICKET TO BUDAPEST
SO HE'S DEFINITELY GETTING WARMER.
SO WE'LL BE BACK AGAIN IN JUST A FEW YEARS.
REALLY BEGINNING TO HOT UP NOW.
WELL, HERE WE ARE
ON THE VERY LAST DAY OF THIS FANTASTIC FINAL.
HURON NOW HAS LESS THAN 12 HOURS LEFT
TO FIND BRITISH ACE DON ROBERTS.
EARLY THIS MORNING, HE FINISHED COMBING THE OUTSKIRTS OF LISBON
AND NOW HE SEEMS TO HAVE STAKED EVERYTHING
ON ONE FINAL DESPERATE SEEK HERE IN THE TAGUS VALLEY.
BUT ROBERTS IS OVER 1,500 MILES AWAY
AND IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK ALL OVER, BAR THE SHOUTING.
THE SANDS OF TIME ARE RUNNING OUT FOR THIS DELVING DAGO
THIS SENOR OF SEEK, THIS PERSPICACIOUS PARAGUAYAN.
HE'S STILL DESPERATELY COLD
AND IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK LIKE ANOTHER GOLD FOR BRITAIN.
PREGO! PREGO, SIGNORE!
THERE HE IS!
ALL RIGHT.
THE OFFICIAL RESULT OF THE WORLD HIDE-AND-SEEK.
MR. DON ROBERTS, FROM HINCKLEY, LEICESTERSHIRE:
11 YEARS, TWO MONTHS, 26 DAYS, NINE HOURS
THREE MINUTES, 27 SECONDS.
MR. FRANCISCO HURON, PARAGUAY:
11 YEARS, TWO MONTHS, 26 DAYS, NINE HOURS
THREE MINUTES, 27 SECONDS.
THE RESULT... A TIE.
A TIE... WHAT A FANTASTIC RESULT!
WELL, THE REPLAY WILL START TOMORROW AT 7:30 A.M.
WELL, HELLO AGAIN.
NICE TO BE BACK.
GLAD TO SEE THE SHOW'S BEEN GOING WELL.
WELL, NOW, SORRY ABOUT MON-TRERX.
THAT WAS A LITTLE ITEM ENTITLED "HIDE-AND-SEEK."
VERY ANARCHIC, VERY EFFECTIVE, NOT QUITE MY CUP OF TEA
BUT VERY NICE FOR THE YOUNGER PEOPLE.
WELL, THE NEXT ITEM THE BOYS HAVE PUT TOGETHER TAKES PLACE
IN A SITTING ROOM.
SORRY IT'S JUST A SITTING ROOM, BUT THE BANK ACCOUNT'S A BIT LOW
AFTER THE APPALLINGLY EXPENSIVE PRODUCTION OF CLOCHMERLE.
THIS IS A TOTALLY FREE INTERRUPTION
AND NO MONEY HAS CHANGED HANDS WHATEVER.
SORRY ABOUT THAT, DARLING.
GRAVY?
YES, PLEASE, DEAR.
OH, DEAR, THAT'LL BE
THE CHEAP-LAUGHS FROM NEXT DOOR.
COME IN.
NO! JUST BREATHING HEAVILY!
OH, WE JUST DROPPED IN.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME THROUGH?
OH, YES.
WELL, GOOD NIGHT AND GIVE US A KISS.
OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR A VERY NICE EVENING.
AFTER YOU, DEAR.
RIGHT-O!
WHOA!
OH, HONESTLY, DEAR, WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO BUY EVERYTHING
JUST BECAUSE THE CHEAP-LAUGHS HAVE ONE?
THIS IS NOT AN INTERRUPTION AT ALL.
IT'S JUST NEIGHBORLINESS, DEAR, THAT'S ALL.
WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD TRY AND LEAD OUR OWN LIVES FROM NOW ON.
OOH!
CAN'T YOU BE SERIOUS FOR JUST ONE MOMENT?
DARLING, I'M SORRY I WAS CROSS EARLIER.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR.
IT'S JUST THAT I GET SO SICK
OF ALWAYS HAVING TO BE LIKE THE CHEAP-LAUGHS.
YES, WELL, FROM NOW ON WE'LL BE LIKE OURSELVES.
OH, ROGER!
OH, BEATRICE!
MANY PEOPLE IN THIS COUNTRY ARE BECOMING INCREASINGLY WORRIED
ABOUT BULLFIGHTING.
THEY SAY IT'S NOT ONLY CRUEL, VICIOUS AND IMMORAL
BUT ALSO BLATANTLY UNFAIR.
THE BULL IS HEAVY, VIOLENT, ABUSIVE AND AGGRESSIVE
WITH FOUR LEGS AND GREAT SHARP TEETH
WHEREAS THE BULLFIGHTER IS ONLY A SMALL, GREASY SPANIARD.
GIVEN THIS BASIC INEQUALITY
WHAT CAN BE DONE TO MAKE BULLFIGHTING SAFER?
WE ASKED BRIGADIER ARTHUR FARQUAR-SMITH
CHAIRMAN OF THE BRITISH WELL-BASICALLY CLUB.
WELL, BASICALLY, IT'S QUITE APPARENT
THAT THESE MINUSCULE DAGO CHAPPIES HAVE GOT IT ALL WRONG.
THEY PRANCE ROUND THE BULL
LIKE A LOT OF BALLY NIGHTCLUB DANCERS
LOOKING LIKE THE YOUNGER GENERATION
OR A LESS SMOOTH VERSION OF THE LIONEL BLAIR TROUPE
WITH MUCH OF THE STACCATO RHYTHMS
OF THE IRVING DAVIES DANCERS AT THE HEIGHT OF THEIR SUCCESS.
IN RECENT YEARS
PAN'S PEOPLE HAVE OFTEN RECAPTURED A LYRICISM...
AND WHAT WE MUST DO NOW
IS TO USE DEVICES LIKE RADAR TO LOCATE THE BULL
AND SAM MISSILES FIRED FROM UNDERGROUND SILOS
TO KNOCK THE BULL OVER.
THEN I WOULD SEND IN SCOTTISH BOYS WITH AIR COVER
TO PROVIDE A DIVERSION FOR THE BULL
WHILST THE NAVY CAME IN ROUND THE BACK AND FINISHED HIM OFF.
THAT TO ME WOULD BE BULLFIGHTING
AND NOT THIS PANSY KIND OF LYRICAL, EVOCATIVE MOVEMENT
WHICH GEORGE BALANCHINE AND MARTHA GRAHAM IN THE STATES
AND OUR VERY OWN SADLER'S WELLS...
TROOPS COULD BE USED IN AN AUXILIARY ROLE
IN INTERNATIONAL CHESS, WHERE...
WHAT?
I'LL PUT THE LIGHTS ON AGAIN FOR A POUND.
I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS INTERRUPTION
BUT WE'LL SOON PUT THINGS RIGHT
WITH JUST A SIMPLE LITTLE PUSH OF A BUTTON.
OH, OW!
HELP! OH, NO!
OH! OH, DEAR!
THAT'S OKAY...
NO, NO, PLEASE.
OH, OH-OH! WOW!
OH! NO, NO, NO!
OH, OH, DEAR!
OW! OH!
"EXTRA" HOLTMEHR SCHMUTZ AUS IHRER WAESCHE.
SEHEN SIE SELBST.
WHAT?
I'M VERY SORRY, BUT I DON'T KNOW
WHY I'VE BEEN INCLUDED IN ZIS CARTOON.
THAT'S A BLOODY LIE!
IT'S QUITE OBVIOUS WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
THIS WHOLE THING IS LOADED WITH POLITICAL SIGNIFICANCE.
I WAS RIGHT.
THIS IS THE PLANET ALGON
FIFTH WORLD IN THE SYSTEM OF ALDEBARAN
THE RED GIANT IN THE CONSTELLATION OF SAGITTARIUS.
HERE AN ORDINARY CUP OF DRINKING CHOCOLATE COSTS £4 MILLION.
AN IMMERSION HEATER FOR THE HOT-WATER TANK COSTS
OVER £6 BILLION
AND A PAIR OF SPLIT-CROTCH PANTIES
WOULD BE ALMOST UNOBTAINABLE.
A SIMPLE REAR-WINDOW DEMISTING DEVICE FOR AN 1100
COSTS £8,000 MILLION BILLION
AND A NEW ELEMENT FOR AN ELECTRIC KETTLE LIKE THIS
WOULD COST AS MUCH AS THE ENTIRE GROSS NATIONAL PRODUCT
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA FROM 1770 TO THE YEAR 2000
AND EVEN THEN, THEY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO AFFORD
THE SMALL FIXING RING WHICH ATTACHES IT TO THE KETTLE.
WELL, OUR COMPUTERS HAVE BEEN WORKING ALL DAY
TO TRY AND ANALYZE THE DRAMATIC INFORMATION THAT'S COMING IN
FROM THIS FIRST EVER INTERGALACTIC PROBE, ALGON I.
AND WE'RE JUST GETTING AN INTERESTING DEVELOPMENT NOW
WHICH IS THAT ATTACHMENTS FOR ROTARY MOWERS...
THAT IS, MOWERS THAT HAVE A CENTRAL CIRCULAR BLADE...
ARE RELATIVELY INEXPENSIVE!
STILL IN THE REGION OF NINE TO TEN MILLION POUNDS
BUT IT DOES SEEM TO INDICATE
THAT ALGON MIGHT BE A VERY GOOD PLANET
FOR THOSE WITH LARGER GARDENS
OR PERHAPS EVEN AN ORCHARD THAT'S BEEN LEFT FOR TWO YEARS
NEEDS SOME HEAVY WORK, SOME WEEDING.
BUT WE'RE NOW GETTING SOME LIVE PICTURES THROUGH FROM ALGON!
HARRY, PERHAPS YOU COULD TALK US THROUGH THEM.
VERY LITTLE EVIDENCE OF SHOPPING FACILITIES HERE.
THERE DON'T SEEM TO BE ANY LARGE SUPERMARKETS.
THERE MAY BE SOME ON-THE-CORNER GROCERY STORES
BEHIND THOSE ROCKS
BUT IT'S DIFFICULT TO TELL FROM THIS ANGLE.
IT DOES SEEM TO SUGGEST
THAT MOST OF THE SHOPPING HERE IS BY DIRECT MAIL.
WELL, OF COURSE
THE BIG QUESTION THAT EVERYONE'S ASKING HERE
IS WHAT ABOUT THOSE SPLIT-CROTCH PANTIES?
ARE THEY GOING TO BE UNOBTAINABLE
THROUGHOUT THE UNIVERSE, OR MERELY ON ALGON ITSELF?
PROFESSOR?
WE MUST REMEMBER
THAT ALGON IS OVER 75,000 MILES WIDE.
THE PROBE'S COME DOWN IN THIS AREA HERE
AND WE'RE REALLY ONLY GETTING SIGNALS
FROM A RADIUS OF 30 OR 40 MILES AROUND THE PROBE.
SPLIT-CROTCH PANTIES, OR INDEED ANY ITEMS
OF WHAT WE SCIENTISTS CALL "SEXY UNDERWEAR" OR "EROTIC LINGERIE"
MAY BE MUCH MORE PLENTIFUL ON OTHER PARTS OF THE PLANET.
PROFESSOR, YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR FINDING
SCANTY-PANTIES AND GOLDEN GODDESS HIGH-LIFT BRAS
ON PLANETS WHICH WEREN'T THOUGHT ABLE TO SUSTAIN LIFE.
AND NOW THAT MAN HAS DISCOVERED A NEW GALAXY
DO YOU THINK WE'RE GOING TO SEE
UNDERWEAR BECOME EVEN NAUGHTIER?
OH, NAUGHTIER AND NAUGHTIER.
WELL, SO MUCH FOR THAT.
BUT, OF COURSE, THE PROBE ITSELF HAS EXCITED
A GREAT DEAL OF INTEREST
FOR IT CONTAINS URANIUM-BASED DUAL TRANSMISSION CELLS
ENTIRELY RECHARGED BY SOLAR RADIATION
WHICH CAN TAKE OFF A BRA AND PANTIES IN LESS THAN 15 SECONDS.
IT IS, OF COURSE, THE FIRST PIECE OF SPACE HARDWARE
TO BE SPECIALLY DESIGNED TO UNDRESS LADIES
AND SO THERE ARE BOUND TO BE SOME TEETHING TROUBLES
SUCH AS HOW TO COPE
WITH THE COMBINATION OF ELASTIC-SIDED BOOTS AND TIGHTS.
BUT I THINK WE'RE GETTING SOME PICTURES NOW FROM ALGON ITSELF
AND IT LOOKS AS THOUGH... YES!
THE SATELLITE HAS FOUND A BIRD!
THE PROBE HAS STRUCK CRUMPET, AND SHE LOOKS PRETTY GOOD, TOO!
PROFESSOR?
JA, SHE'S A REAL HONEY!
WELL, THE PICTURES ARE A BIT SPORADIC.
I THINK PROBABLY THE SOLAR RADIATION
DURING THE LONG JOURNEY TO ALGON...
HOY! LOOK!
OH, DEAR, I'M SORRY.
WE'VE LOST CONTACT.
WE'LL TRY AND REESTABLISH CONTACT WITH ALGON...
HELLO, THE BBC HAVE OFFERED ME THE SUM OF 40p
TO READ THE CREDITS OF THIS SHOW.
PERSONALLY, I THOUGHT THEY SHOULD HAVE HELD OUT
FOR THE FULL 75, BUT THE BBC HAVE EXPLAINED TO ME
ABOUT THEIR FINANCIAL DIFFICULTIES
AND, UH, I DECIDED TO ACCEPT THE REDUCED OFFER.
SO, "THE SHOW WAS CONCEIVED, WRITTEN AND PERFORMED
"BY THE USUAL LOT.
"ALSO APPEARING WERE
"CAROL CLEVELAND, MARIE ANDERSON, MRS. IDLE;
"MAKEUP, MADELAINE GAFFNEY;
"COSTUMES, HAZEL PETHIG; ANIMATIONS BY TERRY GILLIAM;
"VISUAL EFFECTS DESIGNER, BERNARD WILKIE;
"GRAPHICS, BOB BLAGDEN;
"FILM CAMERAMAN, ALAN FEATHERSTONE;
"FILM EDITOR, RAY MILLICHOPE; SOUND, RICHARD CHUBB;
"LIGHTING, BILL BAILEY; DESIGNER, BOB BERK;
"PRODUCED BY IAN MacNAUGHTON
"FOR 92p AND A BOTTLE OF BELLS WHISKY.
IT WAS A BBC COLOUR PRODUCTION."
UH, I THINK THAT'S JUST IT.
I'D LIKE TO SAY IF THERE ARE ANY BBC PRODUCERS LOOKING IN
WHO NEED PEOPLE TO READ THE CREDITS FOR THEM
I WOULD PERSONALLY...
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll