MORNING, SIR, CAN I HELP YOU?
OH, YES, I WONDERED IF YOU HAVE
ANY PART-TIME VACANCIES ON YOUR BOOKS.
PART-TIME, I'LL HAVE A LOOK, SIR.
SEE WE'VE GOT, UH... AH, YES.
SIR WALTER RALEIGH IS EQUIPPING
ANOTHER EXPEDITION TO VIRGINIA.
HE NEEDS TRADERS AND SAILORS.
VITTLERS NEEDED
AT THE COURT OF PHILIP OF SPAIN.
OH, YEAH, AND THEY WANT
MASTER JOINERS AND CRAFTSMEN
FOR THE BUILDING OF THE GLOBE THEATER.
I SEE, HAVEN'T YOU GOT ANYTHING A BIT MORE MODERN?
YOU KNOW, LIKE A JOB ON THE BUSES
OR DIGGING THE UNDERGROUND?
WELL, NO, WE ONLY HAVE TUDOR JOBS.
THAT CAN'T BE VERY PROFITABLE, CAN IT?
WELL, YOU'D BE SURPRISED, ACTUALLY, SIR.
THE TUDOR ECONOMY'S BOOMING
EVER SINCE SIR HUMPHREY GILBERT
OPENED UP THE NORTHWEST PASSAGE TO CATHAY
AND THE CABOTS' EXPANSION IN CANADA
THERE'S BEEN A TREMENDOUS SURGE IN EXPORTS
AND TRADE WITH THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE IS GOING...
NO, QUITE RIGHT, IT'S NO GOOD AT ALL.
WHAT?
IT'S A DEAD LOSS.
WE HAVEN'T PUT ANYONE IN A JOB SINCE 1625.
I SEE.
THAT'S ALL?
WHAT?
THAT'S ALL YOU SAY?
YES.
NO, NO, WE WERE THE TOPS THEN.
DRAKE GOT ALL HIS SAILORS HERE.
ELIZABETH, WE SUPPLIED THE ARCHBISHOPS FOR HER CORONATION.
SHAKESPEARE STARTED OFF FROM HERE AS A TEMP.
THEN CAME JAMES I
AND THE BOTTOM FELL OUT OF THE TUDOR JOBS.
1603... 800 VACANCIES FILLED.
1604... 4O.
1605... NONE.
1606... NONE.
THE REST OF THE STUART PERIOD... NOTHING.
HANOVERIANS... NOTHING.
VICTORIANS... NOTHING.
SAXE-COBURGS... NOTHING.
WINDSORS... WHAT DID YOU WANT?
DIRTY BOOKS, PLEASE.
RIGHT.
SIR, SORRY ABOUT THE TUDOR BIT.
BUT YOU CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL, YOU KNOW?
HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING A BIT, UH?
STRONGER? HOLD ON.
MY LORD OF WARWICK!
'ALLO!
RAISE HIGH THE DRAWBRIDGE.
GLOUCESTER'S TROOPS APPROACH.
RIGHT!
CAN'T BE TOO CAREFUL, YOU KNOW, SIR.
THERE'S BRIDGET, QUEEN OF THE WHIP.
YES...
OR THERE'S NAUGHTY NORA.
NO...
OR THERE'S THIS ONE:
DOUG, BOB AND GORDON VISIT THE ARK ROYAL.
OR THERE'S SISTER TERESA, THE SPANKING NUN.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING SPECIFICALLY
ABOUT DEVON AND CORNWALL?
NO, I'M AFRAID NOT, SIR.
THE ONE I WAS REALLY AFTER WAS
ARTHUR HOTCHKISS' DEVONSHIRE COUNTRY CHURCHES.
WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS, SIR... BUM BITERS?
NO, NOT REALLY.
AND I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'VE GOT
ANY GENERAL SURVEYS OF ENGLISH CHURCH ARCHITECTURE?
IT'S NOT REALLY OUR LINE, SIR.
NO, I SEE, WELL, NEVER MIND.
I'LL JUST TAKE THE LORD LIEUTENANT IN NYLONS THEN
AND I'LL TRADE IN THESE TWO COPIES OF PIGGIE PARADE.
RIGHT, SIR.
MY LORD OF WARWICK!
'ALLO?
RAISE HIGH THE DRAWBRIDGE.
GLOUCESTER'S TROOPS APPROACH!
RIGHT!
JUST THESE, THEN.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS A RAID.
MY NAME IS SUPERINTENDENT GASKELL
AND THIS IS SERGEANT MADDOX.
SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY, 'TIS GOOD TO SEE THEE
ON THESE SHORES AGAIN.
SHUT UP.
YOUR SUIT IS FAIR AND GOODLY CUT.
WAS'T FROM ANTWERP?
SHUT UP. IT'S A DISGUISE.
RIGHT! CONFISCATE THE SMUTTY BOOKS, MADDOX.
SIR PHILLIP, PRITHEE NAY!
LISTEN, MATE
DON'T COME THAT PHILLIP SIDNEY BIT WITH ME.
I'M NOT A BLOODY TUDOR AT ALL.
I'M GASKELL OF THE VICE SQUAD AND THIS IS SERGEANT MADDOX.
MADDOX?!
WHERE'S HE GONE?
SIR PHILLIP, PRITHEE REST AWHILE.
LOOK, THIS IS THE LAST TIME
I'M WARNING YOU.
I'M NOT SIR PHILLIP BLEEDING SIDNEY.
I AM SUPERINTENDENT HAROLD GASKELL
AND THIS IS A RAID.
THAT'LL BE 540 QUID, SIR.
OH, I'LL JUST HAVE THIS ONE THEN.
MADDOX!
LOOK, THIS IS A RAID...
HONESTLY.
I PROMISE YOU.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M GOING HOME.
RIGHT.
WELL, I'LL REMEMBER YOU.
DON'T YOU WORRY, I'LL REMEMBER YOU.
PRAY, GOOD SIR PHILLIP...
DON'T YOU START.
MADDOX!
LISTEN, I CAN PROVE TO YOU I'M A POLICEMAN.
I'LL GIVE THE NAMES OF ALL THE MEN
DOWN IN "F" DIVISION AT ACTON.
INSPECTOR ARTHUR PERRY
SUPERINTENDENT CHARLES FRODWELL, MY BEST FRIEND
POLICE DOGS BUTCH, WOLF, PANTHER, MAUDLING.
HOW WOULD I KNOW THOSE NAMES
IF I WAS SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY?
VICAR, VICAR, YOU KNOW ME.
THE GARGOYLE CLUB.
I GOT YOU OFF THE CHARGE.
FAREWELL, GOOD SIR PHILLIP.
HEY, STOP!
MADDOX!
YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS, YOU PORN MERCHANT!
BLIMEY!
MADDOX?
MADDOX!
OH, GOOD SIR, HOW GLAD I AM TO SEE THEE COME.
FORGIVE ME WEEPING, BUT MY LOVE HAS GONE.
UH, LISTEN, MY NAME IS GASKELL...
SUPERINTENDENT GASKELL OF VICE SQUAD.
MYSELF AND SERGEANT MADDOX...
ARE ON A RAID.
WE ARE NOT TUDOR PEOPLE.
WE ARE THE POLICE.
FRANCES, WHAT IDLENESS IS THIS?
WHY, GOOD SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY!
WHAT HAST THOU HERE?
YOU ARE SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY?
POSSIBLY...
BUT I MAY BE SUPERINTENDENT GASKELL
OF THE VICE SQUAD.
AH, GOOD, SIR PHILLIP
THY SHARP-TONGUED WIT HAS NOT DESERTED THEE.
COME, LET US EAT AND DRINK.
STAY WITH US AWHILE.
ALL RIGHT, SIR, I THINK I WILL.
THEN... THEN DID WE BUST THE HARRY TONY MOB
WHO DID SEEK TO IMPORT
SCANDINAVIAN FILTH VIA GERMANY.
FOR SIX YEARS THEY CLEANED UP A PACKET.
THE DAY I GOT WHIFF OF THEM THROUGH A SQUEALER
DID, WITHIN A WEEK, A MOP-UP RIGHT GOOD.
THEY'RE NOW LANGUISHING
DOING FIVE YEARS' BIRD IN PARKHURST.
SIR PHILLIP!
THE SPANIARDS HAVE LANDED
IN THE NETHERLANDS.
MY LORD WALSINGHAM NEEDS YOU THERE FORTHWITH.
LET'S GO.
GOOD LUCK, SIR PHILLIP!
FIGHT AGAINST FILTH!
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
WHERE ARE THE SPANIARDS?
DOWN BELOW, SIR PHILLIP.
THEIR FIRST BOATS ARE LANDING EVEN NOW.
RIGHT, YOU STAY HERE, I'LL GO AND GET THEM.
SIR PHILLIP, NOT ALONE!
'ALLO, 'ALLO!
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
IS NOTHING, SENOR, IS JUST SOME LITERATURE.
I KNOW WHAT LITERATURE IS, YOU DAGO DUSTBIN.
I ALSO KNOW WHAT PORN IS.
WHAT'S THIS THEN, EH?
IS ONE OF LOPE DE VEGA'S LATEST PLAYS, SENOR.
TOLEDO TIT PARADE?
WHAT KIND OF A PLAY IS THAT?
IS VERY VISUAL, SENOR.
RIGHT, I'M TAKING THIS LOT IN
IN THE NAME OF HER GRACIOUS MAJESTY QUEEN ELIZABETH.
OH, BUT SENOR.
DON'T GIVE ME ANY TROUBLE.
JUST PILE UP THESE BASKETS OF FILTH
AND COME WITH ME.
NO!
THE BATTLE RAGED LONG AND HARD
BUT AS NIGHT FELL, SIDNEY OVERCAME THE SPANIARDS.
6,000 COPIES OF TITS AND BUMS
AND 4,000 COPIES OF SHOWER SHEILA WERE SEIZED THAT DAY.
THE TIDE OF SPANISH PORN WAS STEMMED.
SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY RETURNED TO LONDON IN TRIUMPH.
COVERED IN GLORY
SIR PHILLIP RODE HOME TO PENSHURST
TO SEE HIS BELOVED WIFE.
BUT ALL WAS NOT WELL.
GOOD EVENING ALL, MY LOVE.
I HAVE RETURNED SAFE FROM THE LOW COUNTRIES.
WHAT ART THOU READING, FAIR ONE?
OH, IT IS NOTHING, HUSBAND.
I CAN SEE 'TIS SOMETHING.
UH... 'TIS ONE OF SHAKESPEARE'S LATEST WORKS.
OH...
GAY BOYS IN BONDAGE.
WHAT, IS'T... TRAGEDY? COMEDY?
UH... 'TIS, UH...
'TIS A STORY OF A... A MAN'S GREAT LOVE
FOR HIS... FELLOW MEN.
HOW FORTUNATE WE ARE INDEED
TO HAVE SUCH A POET ON THESE SHORES.
INDEED.
HOW WAS THE WAR, MY LORD?
THE SPANIARDS WERE DEFEATED THRICE.
SIX DOZEN CHESTS OF HARD-CORE CAPTURED.
HAST BROUGHT HOME ANY SPOILS OF WAR?
YES, GOOD MY WIFE.
THIS FAIR COAT TRIMMED WITH ERMINE.
OH, LOVELY.
NOWT ELSE?
NO, NO, FAIR LADY, THE REST WAS TOO SMUTTY.
NOW, MY GOOD WIFE, WHILE I REST, READ TO ME A WHILE
FROM SHAKESPEARE'S GAY BOYS IN BONDAGE.
UH...
YES, MY LORD.
GAY BOYS IN BONDAGE.
"KEN, 25, IS A MOUNTED POLICEMAN WITH A DIFFERENCE
"AND, WHAT A DIFFERENCE!
"EVEN ROGER IS SURPRISED
"AND HE'S... HE'S USED TO REAL MEN.
'TIS LIKE HAMLET.
WHAT A GENIUS!
"BUT WHO IS GOING TO DO THE COOKING TONIGHT?
RODDY'S GOT A MOUTHFUL..."
ALL RIGHT!
THIS IS A RAID.
OH, WE ARE DISGRACED.
THERE YOU ARE, MADDOX.
CUT THE CHAT AND GET IN THE VAN.
MADDOX, YOU RECOGNIZE ME.
INDEED I DO, SIR PHILLIP SIDNEY
AND SAD I AM TO SEE YOU
CAUGHT UP IN THIS MORASS OF FILTH.
OOH, THAT'S A LONG ONE.
OH, OH, THE GLORIOUS NAME OF SIDNEY IS BESMIRCHED.
ALL IS LOST, OH, ALAS THE DAY!
SHUT UP! I KNOW THIS MAN.
IT'S ME OLD MATE, SERGEANT MADDOX.
YOU'LL DO TIME FOR THIS.
OH, MADDOX, IT'S ME, GASKELL...
"F" DIVISION DOWN AT ACTON.
INSPECTOR ARTHUR FRODWELL...
COME ON, SIDNEY.
AND YOU, MISS.
I'M NOT SIR PHILLIP BLEEDING SIDNEY.
WHERE WERE YOU?
WE COULD HAVE MOPPED UP THAT TUDOR SHOP.
OOH, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
IT'S ME, IT'S GASKELL.
YES, I'LL EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU
WHEN I GET BACK AT THE STATION
THAT YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG MAN!
PRITHEE, WHAT IS'T THAT HERE I HOLD?
IF IS'T BE BRIAN'S, THAN TO FIGHT I GO.
BUT, NO.
ALAS, IF FORTUNE DOTH PERCEIVE, I AM UNDONE.
NO, CYRIL MUST NOT KNOW.
BUT NO, YES, NO... AH, AH, AH, RESOLVED.
BUT, HARK, SOMEONE APPROACHING.
TAKE HEED, MY LORD
KEVIN AND BRUCE ARE HERE.
IT'S SO NICE HERE, ISN'T IT, DARLING?
OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S... IT'S PARIS ALL OVER AGAIN.
EXCUSE ME, DO YOU MIND IF I JOIN YOU?
UH... NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T MIND?
UH, YES, YES, ABSOLUTELY.
YOU'RE SURE I WON'T BE DISTURBING YOU?
NO, NO.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY SURE I WON'T BE DISTURBING YOU?
NO, NO, REALLY.
GOOD, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO DISTURB YOU.
I'M SORRY?
I DON'T WANT TO DISTURB YOU
ESPECIALLY AS YOU'RE BEING SO KIND
ABOUT ME NOT DISTURBING YOU.
WE DON'T MIND, DO WE, DARLING?
NO, NO, DARLING.
GOOD, SO I CAN GO AHEAD
AND JOIN YOU THEN, CAN I?
YES, YES. YES, PLEASE.
WON'T BE DISTURBING?
NO, NO. NO, NO, NO.
GOOD, GOOD, YOU'RE VERY KIND.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE FAR LESS UNDERSTANDING
THAN YOU ARE.
A LOT OF PEOPLE TAKE OFFENSE WHILE I EVEN TALK TO THEM
LET ALONE WHEN I SPECIFICALLY TELL THEM
ABOUT MY... BEING DISTURBING.
WELL, IT'S NOT PARTICULARLY DISTURBING.
NO, ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY.
THAT'S WHAT I ALWAYS SAY.
BUT YOU'D BE AMAZED...
YOU'D BE AMAZED AT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE
WHO REALLY DON'T WANT ME.
I MEAN, EVEN DOING THIS GETS PEOPLE LOOKING AT ME
IN THE MOST EXTRAORDINARY WAY.
VICAR, WE MUST BE GETTING ON.
I KNEW I'D DISTURB YOU, I KNEW I'D DISTURB YOU.
IT ALWAYS HAPPENS.
WHENEVER I'VE FOUND SOMEONE
I REALLY THINK I'M GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET ON WITH...
NO, THE THING IS, WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE...
DARLING, COME ON, LET'S STAY.
WELL, JUST A LITTLE BIT.
I MEAN, WE WILL BE LATE IF WE DON'T...
OH, THANK YOU, YOU'RE VERY KIND.
AS IT TURNED OUT
OUR CHANCE MEETING WITH THE REVEREND ARTHUR BELLING
WAS TO CHANGE OUR WHOLE WAY OF LIFE
AND EVERY SUNDAY
WE'D HURRYALONG TO ST. LOONY UP THE CREAM BUN AND JAM...
AND NOW...
IT'S...
MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUSESES.
RIGHT, SIR, ONE SAFARI SNOWBALL.
THAT COMES TO £1,361.48
AND WE'LL THROW THE NUDE MAN IN FOR FREE.
ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN, LAST ORDERS, PLEASE.
OH, DO YOU WANT A DRINK BEFORE THEY CLOSE?
NO, I WANT A KISS.
OH, GOODY.
AND SO THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
BUT NOW...
THE "FREE REPETITION OF DOUBTFUL WORDS SKIT, SPOOF, JAPE, OR VIGNETTE"
BY A VERY UNDERRATED WRITER.
I HAVE COME
FOR SOME FREE REPETITION OF DOUBTFUL WORDS
ON AN INLAND TELEGRAM.
HAVE YOU THE TELEGRAM IN QUESTION?
I HAVE THE VERY THING HERE.
WELL, SLIP IT TO ME, MY GOOD CHAP
AND LET ME EYE THE CONTENTS.
AT ONCE, MR. TELEGRAM ENQUIRY MAN.
THANK YOU, MR. CUSTOMER MAN.
HA-HO! "PARLING, I GLOVE YOU.
"CLEASE CLOME AT BRONCE.
YOUR TROVING SWIFE, PAT."
WHICH WAS THE WORD YOU WANTED CHECKING?
"PAT."
"PAT"?
MY WIFE'S NAME IS NOT PAT AT ALL.
NO?
IT'S BAT WITH A "B."
AND THEREFORE I WILL TAKE
A QUICK LOOK IN THE BOOK.
RIPPING.
YOU'RE QUITE RIGHT, OLD COCK.
THERE HAS BEEN A MISTAKE.
I THOUGHT AS MUCH.
WHAT REALLY DOES IT SAY?
IT SAY, "GO AWAY, YOU SILLY LITTLE BLEEDER
"I AM HAVING ANOTHER MAN.
LOVE, BAT."
QUITE SOME ERROR.
YES, SHE WOULDN'T CALL HERSELF PAT.
IT'S SILLY.
DAFT, I CALL IT.
WELL, IT HAS BEEN A PLEASURE WORKING WITH YOU.
FOR ME, ALSO, IT HAS BEEN A PLEASURE.
AND THAT CONCLUDES OUR LITTLE SKIT.
THE "FREE REPETITION OF DOUBTFUL WORDS THING"
BYA JUSTLY UNDERRATED WRITER.
THE END.
GOOD EVENING, TONIGHT ON IS THERE?
WE EXAMINE THE QUESTION, "IS THERE A LIFE AFTER DEATH?"
AND HERE TO DISCUSS IT ARE THREE DEAD PEOPLE...
THE LATE SIR BRIAN HARDAKER
FORMER CURATOR OF THE IMPERIAL WAR MUSEUM
THE LATE PROFESSOR THYNNE
UNTIL RECENTLY AN ACADEMIC CRITIC AND BROADCASTER
AND PUTTING THE POINT OF VIEW OF THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND
THE VERY LATE PREBENDARY REVEREND ROSS.
GENTLEMEN, IS THERE A LIFE AFTER DEATH OR NOT?
SIR BRIAN?
PROFESSOR?
PREBENDARY?
WELL, THERE WE HAVE IT... THREE SAY "NO."
ON IS THERE? NEXT WEEK, WE'LL BE DISCUSSING THE QUESTION
"IS THERE ENOUGH OF IT ABOUT?"
UNTIL THEN, GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD DOCTOR MORNING.
NICE YEAR FOR THE TIME OF DAY.
COME IN.
CAN I DOWN SIT?
CERTAINLY.
WELL, THEN?
WELL, I'M NOT GOING
TO BUSH THE DOCTOR ABOUT THE BEAT TOO LONG.
I'M GOING TO COME TO POINT THE STRAIGHT IMMEDIATELY.
GOOD, GOOD.
MY PARTICULAR PROB
OR BUGLEM BEAR, I'VE HAD AGES.
FOR YEARS, I'VE HAD IT FOR DONKEYS.
WHAT?
I'M UP TO HERE WITH IT.
I'M SICK TO DEATH.
I CAN'T TAKE YOU ANY LONGER
SO I'VE COME TO SEE IT.
AH, NOW, THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM WITH WORDS.
THIS IS MY PROBLEM WITH WORDS.
OH, THAT SEEMS TO HAVE CLEARED IT.
YES, THAT SEEMS TO BE ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I SEE, UH, BUT RECENTLY YOU HAVE BEEN HAVING
THIS PROBLEM WITH YOUR WORD ORDER.
WELL, ABSOLUTELY, AND WHAT MAKES IT WORSE
IS THAT SOMETIMES AT THE END OF A SENTENCE
I'LL COME OUT WITH THE WRONG FUSE BOX.
"FUSE BOX"?
AND THE THING ABOUT SAYING THE WRONG WORD
IS THAT "A," I DON'T NOTICE IT
AND "B," SOMETIMES ORANGE WATER GIVEN
BUCKET OF PLASTER.
YES, TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEM.
WELL, AS I SAY, YOU'D JUST BE TALKING
AND OUT'LL PUDENDA THE WRONG WORD
AND ASHTRAY'S YOUR UNCLE.
I'M AWFULLY STRAWBERRY ABOUT IT.
UPSET?
IT'S SO EMBARRASSING
WHEN MY WIFE AND I GO TO AN ORGY.
A PARTY?
NO, AN ORGY.
WE LIVE IN ESHER.
QUITE.
THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
IT'S SUCH A BLOODY WHACK THE DIDDLE-O
FAL-DI-RAL, FA-DI-DA, LO-DI-DO-DI-DO-FUM-FUM.
MR. BURROWS, THIS IS NO COMMON PROBLEM.
YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM A DISEASE SO RARE
THAT IT HASN'T GOT A NAME... NOT YET.
BUT IT WILL HAVE, OH, YES!
THIS IS THE OPPORTUNITY I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR...
THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME!
I'LL SHOW THEM AT THE ROYAL COLLEGE OF SURGEONS.
I'LL MAKE THEM SIT UP AND TAKE NOTICE.
THRIPSHAW'S DISEASE!
DISCOVERED BY E. HENRY THRIPSHAW, M.D.
I'LL BE INVITED ON CALL MY BLUFF, AND THE MERCHANDISING...
THERE'LL BE E. HENRY THRIPSHAW T-SHIRTS!
I'LL TURN IT INTO A GAME!
I'LL SELL THE FILM RIGHTS!
THAT CLIP... COMES FROM THE NEW DAVID O. SELTZER... FILM.
THE AUTHOR...
OF THAT FILM CLIP...
IS WITH ME...
NOW.
DR. E. HENRY...
THRIPSHAW.
WELL, I FEEL THAT THEY'VE MISSED THE WHOLE POINT OF MY DISEASE.
THIS IS...
ALWAYS THE PROBLEM... WITH...
DIRECTORS...
OF FILM...
CLIPS.
YES, WELL, YOU SEE
THEY'VE DRAGGED IN ALL THIS IRRELEVANT MUSH.
WHAT...
ARE YOU DOING...
NOW?
WELL, AT THE PRESENT MOMENT, I'M WORKING ON A NEW DISEASE
WHICH I HOPE TO TURN INTO A MUSICAL...
BUT PRIMARILY, WE ARE WORKING ON A REMAKE OF MY FIRST DISEASE
AND THIS TIME WE'RE HOPING TO DO IT PROPERLY.
WELL...
LET'S JUST...
TAKE A...
LOOK AT THIS NEW...
FILM...
CLIP.
WELL, NOW, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE MATTER?
THE NEXT SKETCH FOLLOWS AFTER SOME SILLY NOISES.
COME IN.
I WONDERED IF I COULD HAVE
A WORD WITH YOU FOR A MOMENT.
BY ALL MEANS, BY ALL MEANS, SIR.
DO SIT DOWN.
UH... SIT ON THE DESK HERE.
OH, THANK YOU.
NOW THEN, GLASS OF SHERRY?
NO, THANK YOU.
ARE YOU SURE?
I'M GOING TO HAVE SOME.
WELL, IF YOU'RE HAVING SOME
YES, THEN PERHAPS, VICAR.
OH, THERE'S ONLY JUST ENOUGH FOR ME.
WELL, IN THAT CASE
I WON'T, DON'T WORRY.
YOU SEE, IF I SPLIT WHAT'S LEFT
WELL, THERE'D HARDLY BE ANY LEFT FOR ME AT ALL.
WELL, I'M NOT A GREAT SHERRY DRINKER.
GOOD, SO I CAN HAVE IT ALL.
NOW THEN, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WELL, JUST RECENTLY
I'VE BEGUN TO WORRY ABOUT...
OH!
FOUND ANOTHER BOTTLE.
YOU CAN HAVE SOME NOW IF YOU WANT TO.
OH, WELL THEN, YES, PERHAPS A LITTLE.
OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO, I CAN DRINK THE WHOLE BOTTLE.
UM, IN THAT CASE, NO.
GOOD, THAT'S ANOTHER BOTTLE FOR ME... RIGHT.
I'VE BEGUN TO WORRY RECENTLY THAT...
COME IN!
AH, MR. HUSBAND.
THIS IS MR. KIRKHAM, ONE OF MY PARISHIONERS.
THIS IS MR. HUSBAND
OF THE BRITISH SHERRY CORPORATION.
LOOK, LOOK, PERHAPS I BETTER COME BACK LATER.
NO, NO, NO, DO STAY HERE.
HAVE A SHERRY.
YOU WON'T BE LONG, WILL YOU, HUSBAND?
OH, NO, VICAR, JUST A QUESTION
OF SIGNING A FEW FORMS.
THERE WE ARE.
THERE WE ARE, MR. HUSBAND.
NOW, HOW ABOUT YOU, MR. KIRKHAM?
WELL, ONLY IF THERE'S ENOUGH.
AH, WELL, THERE'S NOT MUCH NOW.
OH... IN THAT CASE, NO, I WON'T.
GOOD. RIGHT.
RIGHT, NOW THEN.
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM, HUSBAND?
WELL, VICAR, I'VE MADE ENQUIRIES WITH OUR SHIPPERS
AND THE MOST SHERRY THEY CAN SHIP IN ANY ONE LOAD
IS 12,000 GALLONS.
AND HOW MANY GLASSES IS THAT?
THAT'S ROUGHLY 540,000 GLASSES, VICAR.
THAT'S EXCELLENT, HUSBAND, EXCELLENT.
YES, IT MEANS YOU CAN STILL KEEP YOUR MAIN SHERRY SUPPLY
ON THE ROOF, BUT YOU CAN HAVE AN EMERGENCY SUPPLY
UNDERNEATH THE VESTRY, OF 5,000 GALLONS.
OR I COULD HAVE DRY SHERRY ON THE ROOF
AND AMONTILLADO IN THE UNDERGROUND TANK.
ABSOLUTELY.
EXCELLENT WORK, HUSBAND
EXCELLENT WORK.
NOT AT ALL, VICAR.
YOU'RE ONE OF OUR BEST CUSTOMERS...
YOU AND THE UNITED STATES.
BYE-BYE, TERRIFIC.
NOW, THEN, MR. KIRKHAM, I AM SO SORRY, DO GO ON.
WELL, IT'S JUST THAT RECENTLY
I'VE BEGUN TO WORRY ABOUT...
WELL, LOOK, DOES THE BIBLE INTEND...
HEY, HEY, HEY!
ARRIBA! ARRIBA!
OLE!
WHAT DID YOU WANT?
DIRTY BOOKS, PLEASE.
RIGHT.
Ripped & Corrected By mstoll
E. HENRY THRIPSHAW T-SHIRTS ARE NOW AVAILABLE
FROM BBC ENTERPRISES.
THE PRICE HASN'T FINALLY BEEN DECIDED
AND THE ADDRESS TO WRITE TO
THEY HAVEN'T YET QUITE WORKED OUT.