[♪]
Good evening. We've got an action-packed evening
for you tonight on Thames.
But right now,
here's a rotten old BBC
program.
[PLAYING FANFARE]
And now--
It's...
[♪]
[APPLAUSE]
Ladies and gentlemen... [CLEARS THROAT]
...Mr. Chairman,
friends of the society...
your dummy Royal Highness.
Once again, the year has come full circle.
And for me, there can be
no greater privilege and honor
than to that
to which it is my lot
to have befallen this evening.
There can be no finer honor
than to welcome
into our midst tonight
a guest who has not only done
only more than not anyone
for our society,
but nonetheless,
has only done more.
He started in the film industry in 1924.
He started again in 1946.
And finally in 1963.
He has been dead
for four years,
but he has not
let that prevent him
from coming here this evening.
Ladies and gentlemen... [SNIFFS]
...no welcome could be
more heartfelt
than that
which I have no doubt
you will all want to join
with me in giving...
this great show-biz stiff.
Ladies and gentlemen, to read the nominations
for the Light
Entertainment Award,
the remains of the late
Sir Alan Waddle.
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]
[APPLAUSE]
WADDLE: The nominations are:
Mr. Edward Heath,
for the new-suit sketch.
[APPLAUSE]
Mr. Richard Baker for Lemon Curry.
Lemon Curry?
[APPLAUSE]
And the Third Parachute Brigade
Amateur Dramatic
Society
for the Oscar Wilde
sketch.
[♪]
My congratulations, Wilde.
Your latest play
is a great success.
The whole of London's
talking about you.
There is one thing in the world
worse than being talked about.
And that is
not being talked about.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Very, very witty.
There is only one thing
worse than being witty.
And that is not
being witty.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I wish I had said that.
Uh, you will, Oscar.
You will.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Your Majesty, have you met
James McNeill Whistler?
Yes, we played
squash together.
There is only one thing worse
than playing squash together.
And that is playing it
by yourself.
I wish I hadn't said that.
You did, Oscar. You did.
[LAUGHTER]
Excuse me, Wilde, I've got to
get back up the palace.
Your Majesty is like
a big jam doughnut
with cream on the top.
I beg your pardon?
Um...
It-- It was
one of Whistler's.
I never said that.
You did, James.
You did.
Uh... W-w--
Uh...
Well, Your Highness, what--
what I meant was that, uh,
like a doughnut... um...
your a-arrival
gives us pleasure,
and your departure only makes
us hungry for more.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Uh, Your Highness, you are also
like a stream
of bat's piss.
What?
It was one of Wilde's. One of Wilde's.
It sodding was not!
It was Shaw.
I-- I merely meant, Your Majesty,
that you shine out
like a shaft of gold
when all around is dark.
Ah. Ha-ha-ha.
[LAUGHS]
Right.
Smartass.
Right?
Your Majesty
is like a dose of clap.
Before
you arrive--
Before you arrive
is pleasure,
and after is a pain
in the dong. What?
One of Shaw's.
You bastards.
Um, what I meant, Your Majesty... What I meant--
We've got him, Jim.
Come on, Shaw-y.
WILDE: Go, Shaw-y.
I merely meant...
Come on, Shaw-y.
Let's have a bit of the old wit, then.
WILDE:
Come on, Shaw-y.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
[ALL LAUGHING]
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
PRINCE:
Congratulations, Shaw.
[ALL CHATTERING]
MAN: Sorry, I can't hear a word you're saying.
[ALL CHATTERING]
Very amusing, Lord Kimble,
but would you excuse me
a moment?
I want to powder
my nose.
[ALL CHATTERING]
[LOUD FLATULENCE]
[RETCHING]
[LOUD FLATULENCE]
[RETCHING,
SNORTING]
[WATER SPLASHES]
[LOUD FLATULENCE]
Ah. That's better.
Have you heard the one about the one writer who was--?
[TARZAN YELL]
[MAN SCREAMS]
MAN:
Oh. It's Charwoman.
[♪]
NARRATOR:
Yes, Charwoman.
Sweeping away the last
remnants of male chauvinism.
Polishing off all who dare
stand in her way.
And cleaning up
in the publishing game.
Yes, all these and more,
as Charwoman once again
takes to the skies.
[TARZAN YELL]
NARRATOR: Oh, well. Maybe next week.
Ladies and gentlemen...
[APPLAUSE]
...seldom can it have been a
greater pleasure and privilege
than it is for me now to
announce that the next award
gave me the great pleasure
and privilege of
asking a man,
without whose ceaseless energy
and tireless skill,
the British film industry
would be today.
I refer, of course,
to my friend and colleague,
Mr. David Niven.
[APPLAUSE]
Sadly, David Niven cannot be with us tonight.
But he has sent his fridge.
[APPLAUSE]
[♪]
This is the fridge in which
David keeps most of his milk,
butter and eggs.
What a typically
selfless gesture,
that he should send
this fridge
of all of his fridges,
to be with us tonight.
[APPLAUSE]
FRIDGE:
The nominations for the best foreign film director are:
Monsieur
Richard Attenborough,
Ricardo de Attenbergie,
Rik Artenborough,
Ri Char Dat En Bollo,
and Pier Paolo Pasolini.
Before we hear
the joint winner...
let's see the one
that came sixth.
Let us see Pier Paolo
Pasolini's latest film.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[CACKLING]
[♪]
Mm. Mm.
Mm.
Excuse me. WOMAN: Huh?
Ha!
[♪]
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, I mean, there's
lots of people making love,
but there's no mention of
Geoff Boycott's average.
Who is Geoff Boycott?
And in the film,
we get Fred Titmus.
Sí, Titmus. Sí, sí.
The symbol of man's regeneration
through radical Marxism.
Fair enough. But-- But
we never once get a chance
to see him turn his off-breaks
on that Brisbane sticky.
Aye, and what were
all that dancing
through Ray
Illingworth's innings?
Forty-seven not out,
and the bird comes up
and feed him
some grapes.
[ALL CHATTERING]
declared.
What--? What is "declared"?
Now, what's on
the other side?
[CHANGES CHANNEL]
AWARDS HOST:
Nobody could be prouder...
Ugh!
Um... shall we go down and give blood?
Oh, I don't want a great bat
flapping round my neck.
They don't do it
like that.
They take it
from your arm.
I can't give it. I caught
swamp fever in the tropics.
You've never even been
to the tropics.
You've never been
south of Sidcup.
You can catch it off
lampposts.
Catch what?
Oh, I don't know.
I'm all confused.
You ought to go and see
a psychiatrist.
You're a looney.
You might even
need a new brain.
Oh, I couldn't afford
a whole new brain.
Well, you could get one of
those Curry's brains.
How much are they?
I don't know.
I'll have a look in
the catalogue. Here we are.
Battery lights,
dynamo lights.
Rear lights. Brains.
Here we are.
I'm still confused.
Oh, there's a nice one here.
Thirteen and 6.
It's one of Curry's own
brains.
That one looks nice.
What's that?
That's a mudguard.
It's only eight bob.
Oh, I think it's worth
the extra 5 bob for the brain.
I'll give them
a ring.
Hello, Curry's?
I'd like to try one of your
13-and-sixpenny brains, please.
Yes. Yes.
Yes. Ye--
Um, five-and-a-half.
Yes. Yes.
Thank you.
They're sending someone round.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Ooh, that was quick.
Come in.
Uh, hello, Mr. and Mrs.
and Mrs. Zambezi?
Yes, that's right. Are you
the man from Curry's?
Uh, no. I've just come to say
that he's on his way.
Would you sign this, please? WOMAN: Oh, cert--
Yes.
MAN: Thank you very much.
Ooh.
MAN: Thank you.
Sorry.
Sorry to bother you.
Thank you.
MAN: Thank you.
Thank you.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
He's just coming now.
Thank you.
[KNOCKING]
Come in.
MAN: Here he is.
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
Hello?
Hello!
That's not a proper salesman.
I'm not buying one from him.
He doesn't give you confidence.
Doesn't give me
any confidence at all.
He's obviously
a dummy.
I'll ring Curry's.
Hello, Curry's?
That salesman you sent round
is obviously a dummy.
Oh, thank you very much.
They're sending round
a real one.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Come in.
Good morning.
Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Zambezi?
Yes, that's right.
[DEEP VOICE]
Yes, that's right.
All right, Rutherford,
I'll take over.
Ooh, that's nice.
Yes, we sell
a lot of these.
Right, shall we
try a fitting?
Oh, do I have to have
an operation?
No, madam,
you just strap it on.
Doesn't it go
inside my head?
Um, not the Roadster,
madam. No.
You're thinking of
the Brainette Major.
How much is that?
Forty-four and 6.
Oh, no,
it's not worth it.
Not with the Curry's surgery
we use, no, madam.
Now, then, the best bet is the
Bertrand Russell Super Silver.
That's a real beauty. 250 quid
plus hospital treatment.
Ooh, that's a lot.
It's color.
Right.
One, two, three.
Testing, testing.
Mince pie for me, please.
What did she say that for?
Quiet, please.
It's not adjusted yet.
Oh, I am enjoying
this rickshaw ride.
I've been a Tory all my life,
my life, my life.
Good morning,
Mr. Presley.
How well you look.
You look very well.
Our cruising speed
is 610 miles per hour.
Well, well, well, porridge.
Well, well, hell,
hell, hello, hello, dear.
Hello, dear!
Ooh.
Right.
One, two, three...
Eight. Seven.
[LOW VOICE] Four.
Good.
Oh, she never
knew that before.
Quiet, please.
Mrs. Zambezi... who wrote
the theory of relativity?
I know! I know!
Quiet, please.
Einstane. Einstone.
Einsteen. Einston. Einstin.
Einsten. Einstein.
Good.
Noel Einstein.
Right.
That'll be 13
and 6, please.
Ooh, that's
marvellous.
She can take it off at night,
unless she wants to read.
Don't ask her
too many questions,
because it'll
get hot.
If you do have any trouble,
here's my card.
Give us a ring.
Oh, thank you.
Give us a ring, and either
myself or Mr. Rutherford
will come and see you.
Goodbye.
Thank you
very much.
Uh, he's gone now.
Uh...
shall we, uh...
go down
and give blood?
Yes, please,
Mr. Roosevelt,
but try and keep
the noise to a minimum.
Oh, that's fine. I'll go
and get your coat for you.
Oh, I'm quite warm
in this stick of celery,
thank you, Senator Muskie.
Stapling machine, Mr. Clarke.
New brain.
Stapling machine,
Mrs. Worral.
Stapling machine,
Mrs. Zambezi.
Are you sure that's
working all right?
Oh, yes, thank you,
dear. It's marvelous.
I think if we can
win one or two
of the early
primaries,
we could split the urban
Republican vote wide open.
Mm-hm.
Well, here we
are, then.
Oh, being President
of the United States
is something I shall
have to think about.
Blood donors that way, please.
Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you.
[INAUDIBLE WHISPERING]
What?
[INAUDIBLE WHISPERING]
No.
[INAUDIBLE WHISPER]
No. I'm sorry, but no.
[WHISPERS]
No, you may not give
urine instead of blood.
[WHISPERS]
No, well, I don't
care if you want to.
[WHISPERS]
No, there's no such thing
as a urine bank.
Please.
No. We have
no call for it.
We have quite enough
of it
without volunteers
coming in here donating it.
Just a specimen.
No, we don't want a specimen.
We either want your blood
or nothing.
I'll give you some blood
if you'll give me...
What?
A thing to do some urine in.
No, no, no.
Just go away, please.
Anyway, I don't want to
give you any blood.
Fine, you don't have to,
you see. Just go away.
Can I give you some spit?
Nope.
Sweat?
Nope.
Earwax.
Nope. Look, this is a blood bank.
All we want is blood.
All right. I'll give
you some blood.
Where did you get that? Today. It's today's.
What group is it?
Uh, what groups are there?
There's "A"--
It's "A".
Wait a moment.
It's mine. This blood's mine.
What are you doing with it?
I found it.
You found--? You stole it
out of my body, didn't you?!
No.
No wonder I'm feeling off-col--
Give that back.
It's mine.
It is not yours.
You stole it.
Never.
Give it back to me!
All right. But only
if I can give urine.
Get in the queue.
Good afternoon, and welcome
to wife-swapping from Redcar.
And the big news this afternoon
is that the British boy,
Boris Rodgers,
has succeeded in swapping
his 9-stone, Welsh-born wife
for a Ford Popular
and a complete set of Dickens.
Well, now, I can see
they're ready at the start,
so let's go now
over to the start of the 3:30.
ANNOUNCER 1: First let's
catch up with the latest news of the betting.
ANNOUNCER 2:
Number 12, Betty Parkinson, 7-to-4 on favorite.
Number 27, Mrs. Colyer
9-to-4, 5-to-1 bar those.
ANNOUNCER 1:
And here's the starter, Mrs. Alec Marsh.
And they're off.
And Mrs. Rodgers
is the first to show.
She goes into
Mr. Johnston's.
And Mrs. Johnston
across to Mr. Colyer,
followed closely by
Mrs. Casey on the inside.
Mrs. Parkinson, number 12,
going well
into Mr. Webster's
from the co-op.
Mrs. Colyer's making
ground fast after a poor start.
She's out of Mr. Casey's,
into Mr. Parkinson's.
She's a couple of lengths
ahead of Mrs. Johnson,
who's still not out of
Mr. Casey's.
Mrs. Penguin and number 8,
Mrs. Colyer,
these two now
at the head of the field,
from Mrs. Brown,
Mrs. Atkins, Mrs. Parkinson,
Mrs. Warner and Mrs. Rudd,
all still at Mr. Phillips.'
Mrs. Penguin making a
running now, challenged by Mrs. Casey.
Mrs. Casey coming from
very fast on the inside.
It's gonna be Mrs. Casey
coming from behind on the outside.
Mrs. Penguin running.
And at the line
it's Mrs. Casey who's got it by
a short head from Mrs. Penguin,
in second place,
Mrs. Parkinson in third,
Mrs. Rudd, Mrs. Colyer,
Mrs. Warner.
And there's Mrs. Griffiths,
who's remained unswapped.
Well, a very exciting race there,
and I have with me now
the man who owned
and trained the winner
Mrs. Casey... Mr. Casey.
Well done, Jack.
Uh, thank you, John.
Well, were you surprised
about this, Jack?
No, not really. No.
She's been going
very well in training
at, uh, Doncaster
last week.
Uh, and I fancy her
very strongly
for the, uh, Cheltenham
weekend.
Well, thank you
very much indeed, Jack.
We must leave you now,
because it's time
for the team event.
Hello, and
a very warm welcome
from the Tower ballroom suite,
Reading,
where there's very
little in it,
they're neck and neck,
crop and grommet,
real rack and saddle,
brick and bucket,
horse and tooth,
cap and thigh,
arse over tip.
They're absolutely
birds of a feather,
there's not a new pin in it.
You couldn't get a melon
between them.
Well, now, everything rests
on the formation event,
and here comes the North West
with the mambo.
Maestro,
take it away, please.
[MAMBO MUSIC PLAYING]
[MAN YELLS INDISTINCTLY]
[ALL YELLING, GRUNTING]
And now, it's time for Rugby League,
highlights of
this afternoon's game
between Keighley
and Hull Kingston Rovers.
ANNOUNCER:
Well, good afternoon, and as you can see,
Hull Kingston Rovers
are well in the lead.
It's a scrumdown on the 25,
and Keighley,
Tom Colyer, with the put-in,
Mrs. Colyer to be put.
[GRUNTING]
And there goes his wife
deep into the scrum.
They've got the heel
against the head.
Doing very nicely
with this scrum.
Some very good packing here.
Warrington's picked it up.
Is he going to let her go? No.
He passes to Wrigley.
[MRS. COLYER YELLING]
[ANNOUNCER TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
[MEN CHEERING]
[WHISTLE TWEETS]
ANNOUNCER:
Well, that was right on the whistle.
Rovers walking it down,
winning easily
by 26 points to 2.
Just a reminder: that
on Match of the Day tonight,
you can see highlights of two
of this afternoon's big games.
Mrs. Robinson
v. Manchester United
and Southampton
v. Mr. Rogers.
A rather unusual
game, that.
And here's a late result.
Coventry City, nil,
Mr. Johnson's Una, 3.
Coventry going down
at home there.
Just a little reminder that the
next sport you can see on BBC 1,
will be 9:20
on Wednesday night,
when Wife-Swapping with Coleman
comes live from my place.
Till then, good night.
[♪]
There they go, the credits of the year.
Credits that you
and the society
voted as the credits
that brought the most credit
to the society.
Sadly, the man
who designed them
cannot be with us tonight,
as he is at home asleep.
But we are going to wake him up
and tell him the good news.
Are you there in Bristol,
Arthur Briggs?
Oh, my God!
[APPLAUSE]
And now for the moment you've all been waiting for.
No. Not that moment.
Although, that moment
is coming in a moment.
The moment I'm talking about
is the moment
when we present the award
for the cast with
the most awards award.
And this year is no exception.
Ladies and gentlemen, will you
join me and welcome, please,
the winners of this year's
Mountbatten trophy,
show business's
highest accolade,
the cast
of the dirty-vicar sketch.
[APPLAUSE]
[SYMPHONY PLAYING]
Well... now, let us see the performances
which brought them
this award.
Let us see...
the dirty-vicar
sketch.
Have you seen Lady Windermere's
new carriage, dear?
Absolutely enchanting.
Isn't it?
Yes.
The new vicar to see you, milady.
Ah. Send him in,
Chivers.
Certainly, milady.
Now... how is your tea, dear?
A little more
water perhaps?
Thank you. It's
delightful as it is.
The Reverend Ronald Simms,
the dirty vicar
of St. Michael's-- Aah!
Hello, hello.
Craw, what a lovely
bit of stuff.
I'd like to get
my fingers around...
[SHRIEKING]
Oh!
[VICAR GRUNTING]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Oh! How do you find the vicarage?
Yeah. I like tits.
[YELLS]
[SHRIEKS]
Oh, vicar! Vicar!
Oh, my goodness.
I-- I do beg your pardon.
How dreadful.
I-- My first day in my new
parish, I completely lost my--
Yes. Never mind.
So sorry.
Never mind.
Uh, Chivers, send Mary in
with a new gown.
Certainly, milady.
I do beg your pardon.
I-- I'll help you sit down.
I'm-- So sorry.
As I was saying,
um, how do you find the new vicarage?
Oh. Oh, yes, c-certainly.
Yes, indeed. Um...
I find the-- The
grounds delightful
and the servants
most attentive.
Uh, particularly
the little serving maid
with the great big knockers,
who once she gets going...
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMING]
[APPLAUSE]
Well, there we are.
Another year has been
too soon,
alas, ended.
And I think
none more than myself
can be happier
at this time
than I... am.