1 00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:06,000 [♪] 2 00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:10,080 Good evening. We've got an action-packed evening 3 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:11,520 for you tonight on Thames. 4 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:12,799 But right now, 5 00:00:12,799 --> 00:00:14,799 here's a rotten old BBC 6 00:00:14,799 --> 00:00:15,799 program. 7 00:00:15,959 --> 00:00:18,720 [PLAYING FANFARE] 8 00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:20,200 And now-- 9 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:21,480 It's... 10 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:23,840 [♪] 11 00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:49,800 [APPLAUSE] 12 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:55,279 Ladies and gentlemen... [CLEARS THROAT] 13 00:00:55,279 --> 00:00:56,760 ...Mr. Chairman, 14 00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:59,279 friends of the society... 15 00:00:59,279 --> 00:01:01,239 your dummy Royal Highness. 16 00:01:02,879 --> 00:01:07,440 Once again, the year has come full circle. 17 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:12,679 And for me, there can be 18 00:01:12,679 --> 00:01:12,679 no greater privilege and honor 19 00:01:12,679 --> 00:01:16,160 than to that 20 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:16,160 to which it is my lot 21 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:18,440 to have befallen this evening. 22 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:20,920 There can be no finer honor 23 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:24,039 than to welcome 24 00:01:24,039 --> 00:01:24,039 into our midst tonight 25 00:01:24,039 --> 00:01:27,039 a guest who has not only done 26 00:01:27,039 --> 00:01:32,000 only more than not anyone 27 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:32,000 for our society, 28 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:35,679 but nonetheless, 29 00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:37,199 has only done more. 30 00:01:37,479 --> 00:01:41,600 He started in the film industry in 1924. 31 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:44,960 He started again in 1946. 32 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:48,800 And finally in 1963. 33 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:52,080 He has been dead 34 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:52,080 for four years, 35 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:55,160 but he has not 36 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:55,160 let that prevent him 37 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,600 from coming here this evening. 38 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:02,039 Ladies and gentlemen... [SNIFFS] 39 00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:06,080 ...no welcome could be 40 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:06,080 more heartfelt 41 00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:08,359 than that 42 00:02:08,359 --> 00:02:08,359 which I have no doubt 43 00:02:08,359 --> 00:02:12,400 you will all want to join 44 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:12,400 with me in giving... 45 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,519 this great show-biz stiff. 46 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:21,440 Ladies and gentlemen, to read the nominations 47 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:25,120 for the Light 48 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:25,120 Entertainment Award, 49 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:30,480 the remains of the late 50 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:30,480 Sir Alan Waddle. 51 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:32,040 [ORCHESTRA PLAYING] 52 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:33,640 [APPLAUSE] 53 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,440 WADDLE: The nominations are: 54 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:54,480 Mr. Edward Heath, 55 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:55,816 for the new-suit sketch. 56 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:57,760 [APPLAUSE] 57 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:04,120 Mr. Richard Baker for Lemon Curry. 58 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:06,519 Lemon Curry? 59 00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:09,280 [APPLAUSE] 60 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:12,799 And the Third Parachute Brigade 61 00:03:12,799 --> 00:03:14,679 Amateur Dramatic 62 00:03:14,679 --> 00:03:14,679 Society 63 00:03:14,679 --> 00:03:17,840 for the Oscar Wilde 64 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:17,840 sketch. 65 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:20,280 [♪] 66 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:32,040 My congratulations, Wilde. 67 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:33,640 Your latest play 68 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:33,640 is a great success. 69 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:36,079 The whole of London's 70 00:03:36,079 --> 00:03:36,079 talking about you. 71 00:03:36,079 --> 00:03:38,840 There is one thing in the world 72 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:38,840 worse than being talked about. 73 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:41,079 And that is 74 00:03:41,079 --> 00:03:41,079 not being talked about. 75 00:03:41,079 --> 00:03:42,560 [ALL LAUGHING] 76 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:49,280 Very, very witty. 77 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:59,119 Very, very witty. 78 00:03:59,119 --> 00:04:01,359 There is only one thing 79 00:04:01,359 --> 00:04:01,359 worse than being witty. 80 00:04:01,359 --> 00:04:03,560 And that is not 81 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:03,560 being witty. 82 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:06,200 [ALL LAUGHING] 83 00:04:13,839 --> 00:04:15,920 I wish I had said that. 84 00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:17,399 Uh, you will, Oscar. 85 00:04:17,399 --> 00:04:17,399 You will. 86 00:04:17,399 --> 00:04:19,120 [ALL LAUGHING] 87 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:22,360 Your Majesty, have you met 88 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:22,360 James McNeill Whistler? 89 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:24,320 Yes, we played 90 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:24,320 squash together. 91 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:27,280 There is only one thing worse 92 00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:27,280 than playing squash together. 93 00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:29,840 And that is playing it 94 00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:30,840 by yourself. 95 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:35,240 I wish I hadn't said that. 96 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:36,960 You did, Oscar. You did. 97 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:36,960 [LAUGHTER] 98 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,479 Excuse me, Wilde, I've got to 99 00:04:39,479 --> 00:04:39,479 get back up the palace. 100 00:04:39,479 --> 00:04:41,520 Your Majesty is like 101 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:41,520 a big jam doughnut 102 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:43,800 with cream on the top. 103 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,159 I beg your pardon? 104 00:04:46,159 --> 00:04:48,640 Um... 105 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,680 It-- It was 106 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:50,680 one of Whistler's. 107 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:52,039 I never said that. 108 00:04:52,039 --> 00:04:53,960 You did, James. 109 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:53,960 You did. 110 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,719 Uh... W-w-- 111 00:04:55,719 --> 00:04:55,719 Uh... 112 00:04:55,719 --> 00:04:58,560 Well, Your Highness, what-- 113 00:04:58,560 --> 00:04:58,560 what I meant was that, uh, 114 00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:00,200 like a doughnut... um... 115 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,360 your a-arrival 116 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:02,360 gives us pleasure, 117 00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:04,960 and your departure only makes 118 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:04,960 us hungry for more. 119 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:07,360 [ALL LAUGHING] 120 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:13,400 Uh, Your Highness, you are also 121 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,120 like a stream 122 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:15,120 of bat's piss. 123 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:17,120 What? 124 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:17,120 It was one of Wilde's. One of Wilde's. 125 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,960 It sodding was not! 126 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:21,120 It was Shaw. 127 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,719 I-- I merely meant, Your Majesty, 128 00:05:25,719 --> 00:05:28,320 that you shine out 129 00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:28,320 like a shaft of gold 130 00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:30,520 when all around is dark. 131 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:31,840 Ah. Ha-ha-ha. 132 00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:33,080 [LAUGHS] 133 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:34,919 Right. 134 00:05:34,919 --> 00:05:34,919 Smartass. 135 00:05:34,919 --> 00:05:36,520 Right? 136 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:39,440 Your Majesty 137 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:39,440 is like a dose of clap. 138 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:40,919 Before 139 00:05:40,919 --> 00:05:40,919 you arrive-- 140 00:05:40,919 --> 00:05:42,599 Before you arrive 141 00:05:42,599 --> 00:05:42,599 is pleasure, 142 00:05:42,599 --> 00:05:44,840 and after is a pain 143 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:44,840 in the dong. What? 144 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:47,479 One of Shaw's. 145 00:05:47,479 --> 00:05:49,560 You bastards. 146 00:05:51,159 --> 00:05:54,560 Um, what I meant, Your Majesty... What I meant-- 147 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:57,280 We've got him, Jim. 148 00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:57,280 Come on, Shaw-y. 149 00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:59,960 WILDE: Go, Shaw-y. 150 00:05:59,960 --> 00:05:59,960 I merely meant... 151 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,719 Come on, Shaw-y. 152 00:06:02,719 --> 00:06:02,719 Let's have a bit of the old wit, then. 153 00:06:02,719 --> 00:06:04,760 WILDE: 154 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:04,760 Come on, Shaw-y. 155 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:05,840 [BLOWS RASPBERRY] 156 00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:07,200 [ALL LAUGHING] 157 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,120 [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] 158 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:11,320 PRINCE: 159 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:11,320 Congratulations, Shaw. 160 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:14,479 [ALL CHATTERING] 161 00:06:23,159 --> 00:06:25,880 MAN: Sorry, I can't hear a word you're saying. 162 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,479 [ALL CHATTERING] 163 00:06:41,479 --> 00:06:43,159 Very amusing, Lord Kimble, 164 00:06:43,159 --> 00:06:44,520 but would you excuse me 165 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:44,520 a moment? 166 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:46,200 I want to powder 167 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:47,200 my nose. 168 00:06:47,479 --> 00:06:50,520 [ALL CHATTERING] 169 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,240 [LOUD FLATULENCE] 170 00:07:01,599 --> 00:07:03,479 [RETCHING] 171 00:07:03,479 --> 00:07:05,760 [LOUD FLATULENCE] 172 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:08,280 [RETCHING, 173 00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:09,280 SNORTING] 174 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:12,640 [WATER SPLASHES] 175 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,120 [LOUD FLATULENCE] 176 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:21,960 Ah. That's better. 177 00:07:24,039 --> 00:07:26,479 Have you heard the one about the one writer who was--? 178 00:07:26,479 --> 00:07:28,640 [TARZAN YELL] 179 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:28,640 [MAN SCREAMS] 180 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:30,039 MAN: 181 00:07:30,039 --> 00:07:30,039 Oh. It's Charwoman. 182 00:07:30,039 --> 00:07:31,400 [♪] 183 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,520 NARRATOR: 184 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:33,520 Yes, Charwoman. 185 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:37,599 Sweeping away the last 186 00:07:37,599 --> 00:07:37,599 remnants of male chauvinism. 187 00:07:37,599 --> 00:07:41,000 Polishing off all who dare 188 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:41,000 stand in her way. 189 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,680 And cleaning up 190 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:43,680 in the publishing game. 191 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,599 Yes, all these and more, 192 00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:48,719 as Charwoman once again 193 00:07:48,719 --> 00:07:48,719 takes to the skies. 194 00:07:48,719 --> 00:07:50,960 [TARZAN YELL] 195 00:07:58,120 --> 00:07:59,560 NARRATOR: Oh, well. Maybe next week. 196 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:01,919 Ladies and gentlemen... 197 00:08:01,919 --> 00:08:01,919 [APPLAUSE] 198 00:08:01,919 --> 00:08:06,200 ...seldom can it have been a 199 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:06,200 greater pleasure and privilege 200 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:11,039 than it is for me now to 201 00:08:11,039 --> 00:08:11,039 announce that the next award 202 00:08:11,039 --> 00:08:14,560 gave me the great pleasure 203 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:14,560 and privilege of 204 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:16,280 asking a man, 205 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:20,679 without whose ceaseless energy 206 00:08:20,679 --> 00:08:20,679 and tireless skill, 207 00:08:20,679 --> 00:08:26,640 the British film industry 208 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:26,640 would be today. 209 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,520 I refer, of course, 210 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:30,520 to my friend and colleague, 211 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:33,400 Mr. David Niven. 212 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,840 [APPLAUSE] 213 00:08:38,199 --> 00:08:43,240 Sadly, David Niven cannot be with us tonight. 214 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:46,360 But he has sent his fridge. 215 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,439 [APPLAUSE] 216 00:08:48,439 --> 00:08:53,280 [♪] 217 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:57,959 This is the fridge in which 218 00:08:57,959 --> 00:08:57,959 David keeps most of his milk, 219 00:08:57,959 --> 00:09:00,920 butter and eggs. 220 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:04,600 What a typically 221 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:04,600 selfless gesture, 222 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,280 that he should send 223 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:07,280 this fridge 224 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:12,160 of all of his fridges, 225 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:12,160 to be with us tonight. 226 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:15,360 [APPLAUSE] 227 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:20,160 FRIDGE: 228 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:20,160 The nominations for the best foreign film director are: 229 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:23,760 Monsieur 230 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:23,760 Richard Attenborough, 231 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:27,720 Ricardo de Attenbergie, 232 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:30,680 Rik Artenborough, 233 00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:34,680 Ri Char Dat En Bollo, 234 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:38,760 and Pier Paolo Pasolini. 235 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,800 Before we hear 236 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:41,800 the joint winner... 237 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:45,400 let's see the one 238 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:45,400 that came sixth. 239 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:50,959 Let us see Pier Paolo 240 00:09:50,959 --> 00:09:52,639 Pasolini's latest film. 241 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,160 [BIRDS CHIRPING] 242 00:10:04,319 --> 00:10:05,720 [CACKLING] 243 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:10,439 [♪] 244 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:24,280 Mm. Mm. 245 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:27,319 Mm. Mm. 246 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:29,560 Mm. 247 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:32,040 Mm. 248 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:37,319 Excuse me. WOMAN: Huh? 249 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,360 Ha! 250 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:45,439 [♪] 251 00:10:45,439 --> 00:10:48,319 [LAUGHING] 252 00:10:48,319 --> 00:10:50,720 Yeah, I mean, there's 253 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:50,720 lots of people making love, 254 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,280 but there's no mention of 255 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:53,280 Geoff Boycott's average. 256 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,640 Who is Geoff Boycott? 257 00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,520 And in the film, 258 00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:57,520 we get Fred Titmus. 259 00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,280 Sí, Titmus. Sí, sí. 260 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:01,360 The symbol of man's regeneration 261 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:01,360 through radical Marxism. 262 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:04,319 Fair enough. But-- But 263 00:11:04,319 --> 00:11:04,319 we never once get a chance 264 00:11:04,319 --> 00:11:07,400 to see him turn his off-breaks 265 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:07,400 on that Brisbane sticky. 266 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,199 Aye, and what were 267 00:11:09,199 --> 00:11:09,199 all that dancing 268 00:11:09,199 --> 00:11:11,160 through Ray 269 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:11,160 Illingworth's innings? 270 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:13,880 Forty-seven not out, 271 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:13,880 and the bird comes up 272 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:15,400 and feed him 273 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:15,400 some grapes. 274 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,439 [ALL CHATTERING] 275 00:11:17,439 --> 00:11:17,439 declared. 276 00:11:17,439 --> 00:11:18,839 What--? What is "declared"? 277 00:11:18,839 --> 00:11:21,199 Now, what's on 278 00:11:21,199 --> 00:11:22,399 the other side? 279 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,079 [CHANGES CHANNEL] 280 00:11:24,079 --> 00:11:25,400 AWARDS HOST: 281 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:25,400 Nobody could be prouder... 282 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:26,839 Ugh! 283 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:31,439 Um... shall we go down and give blood? 284 00:11:31,439 --> 00:11:34,880 Oh, I don't want a great bat 285 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:34,880 flapping round my neck. 286 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:36,199 They don't do it 287 00:11:36,199 --> 00:11:36,199 like that. 288 00:11:36,199 --> 00:11:38,160 They take it 289 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:38,160 from your arm. 290 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,640 I can't give it. I caught 291 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:40,640 swamp fever in the tropics. 292 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:42,319 You've never even been 293 00:11:42,319 --> 00:11:42,319 to the tropics. 294 00:11:42,319 --> 00:11:44,839 You've never been 295 00:11:44,839 --> 00:11:44,839 south of Sidcup. 296 00:11:44,839 --> 00:11:46,439 You can catch it off 297 00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:47,439 lampposts. 298 00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:48,880 Catch what? 299 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:50,600 Oh, I don't know. 300 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:50,600 I'm all confused. 301 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,400 You ought to go and see 302 00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:52,400 a psychiatrist. 303 00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:53,959 You're a looney. 304 00:11:53,959 --> 00:11:55,920 You might even 305 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:55,920 need a new brain. 306 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:58,880 Oh, I couldn't afford 307 00:11:58,880 --> 00:11:58,880 a whole new brain. 308 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:01,079 Well, you could get one of 309 00:12:01,079 --> 00:12:01,079 those Curry's brains. 310 00:12:01,079 --> 00:12:02,959 How much are they? 311 00:12:02,959 --> 00:12:02,959 I don't know. 312 00:12:02,959 --> 00:12:05,680 I'll have a look in 313 00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:05,680 the catalogue. Here we are. 314 00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:08,360 Battery lights, 315 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:08,360 dynamo lights. 316 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:10,240 Rear lights. Brains. 317 00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:12,480 Here we are. 318 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:12,480 I'm still confused. 319 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,719 Oh, there's a nice one here. 320 00:12:14,719 --> 00:12:14,719 Thirteen and 6. 321 00:12:14,719 --> 00:12:16,199 It's one of Curry's own 322 00:12:16,199 --> 00:12:16,199 brains. 323 00:12:16,199 --> 00:12:17,880 That one looks nice. 324 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:17,880 What's that? 325 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:20,719 That's a mudguard. 326 00:12:20,719 --> 00:12:20,719 It's only eight bob. 327 00:12:20,719 --> 00:12:24,120 Oh, I think it's worth 328 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:24,120 the extra 5 bob for the brain. 329 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:25,880 I'll give them 330 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:26,880 a ring. 331 00:12:29,439 --> 00:12:31,199 Hello, Curry's? 332 00:12:31,199 --> 00:12:35,439 I'd like to try one of your 333 00:12:35,439 --> 00:12:35,439 13-and-sixpenny brains, please. 334 00:12:35,439 --> 00:12:38,520 Yes. Yes. 335 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:38,520 Yes. Ye-- 336 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:42,480 Um, five-and-a-half. 337 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:42,480 Yes. Yes. 338 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,400 Thank you. 339 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,680 They're sending someone round. 340 00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:46,680 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 341 00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:49,319 Ooh, that was quick. 342 00:12:49,319 --> 00:12:49,319 Come in. 343 00:12:49,319 --> 00:12:53,839 Uh, hello, Mr. and Mrs. 344 00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:53,839 and Mrs. Zambezi? 345 00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:56,680 Yes, that's right. Are you 346 00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:56,680 the man from Curry's? 347 00:12:56,680 --> 00:13:00,560 Uh, no. I've just come to say 348 00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,240 that he's on his way. 349 00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:04,839 Would you sign this, please? WOMAN: Oh, cert-- 350 00:13:04,839 --> 00:13:06,760 Yes. 351 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:06,760 MAN: Thank you very much. 352 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:08,280 Ooh. 353 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:09,640 MAN: Thank you. 354 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:09,640 Sorry. 355 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:10,920 Sorry to bother you. 356 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:12,520 Thank you. 357 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:12,520 MAN: Thank you. 358 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,160 Thank you. 359 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,280 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 360 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:18,360 He's just coming now. 361 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:18,360 Thank you. 362 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:19,959 [KNOCKING] 363 00:13:19,959 --> 00:13:19,959 Come in. 364 00:13:19,959 --> 00:13:21,360 MAN: Here he is. 365 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:23,719 [SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY] 366 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,680 Hello? 367 00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:31,240 Hello! 368 00:13:32,199 --> 00:13:33,880 That's not a proper salesman. 369 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,439 I'm not buying one from him. 370 00:13:36,439 --> 00:13:36,439 He doesn't give you confidence. 371 00:13:36,439 --> 00:13:38,959 Doesn't give me 372 00:13:38,959 --> 00:13:38,959 any confidence at all. 373 00:13:38,959 --> 00:13:40,520 He's obviously 374 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:40,520 a dummy. 375 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:41,719 I'll ring Curry's. 376 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:44,959 Hello, Curry's? 377 00:13:44,959 --> 00:13:48,040 That salesman you sent round 378 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:49,055 is obviously a dummy. 379 00:13:49,079 --> 00:13:51,079 Oh, thank you very much. 380 00:13:51,079 --> 00:13:53,000 They're sending round 381 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:53,000 a real one. 382 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,760 [KNOCKING ON DOOR] 383 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:54,760 Come in. 384 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:57,160 Good morning. 385 00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:57,160 Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Zambezi? 386 00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,000 Yes, that's right. 387 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,400 [DEEP VOICE] 388 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:00,400 Yes, that's right. 389 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,000 All right, Rutherford, 390 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,200 I'll take over. 391 00:14:05,199 --> 00:14:06,880 Ooh, that's nice. 392 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,480 Yes, we sell 393 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:08,480 a lot of these. 394 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,199 Right, shall we 395 00:14:10,199 --> 00:14:10,199 try a fitting? 396 00:14:10,199 --> 00:14:11,719 Oh, do I have to have 397 00:14:11,719 --> 00:14:11,719 an operation? 398 00:14:11,719 --> 00:14:13,439 No, madam, 399 00:14:13,439 --> 00:14:13,439 you just strap it on. 400 00:14:13,439 --> 00:14:15,199 Doesn't it go 401 00:14:15,199 --> 00:14:15,199 inside my head? 402 00:14:15,199 --> 00:14:16,839 Um, not the Roadster, 403 00:14:16,839 --> 00:14:16,839 madam. No. 404 00:14:16,839 --> 00:14:18,439 You're thinking of 405 00:14:18,439 --> 00:14:18,439 the Brainette Major. 406 00:14:18,439 --> 00:14:20,360 How much is that? 407 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:20,360 Forty-four and 6. 408 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,160 Oh, no, 409 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:22,160 it's not worth it. 410 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,599 Not with the Curry's surgery 411 00:14:24,599 --> 00:14:24,599 we use, no, madam. 412 00:14:24,599 --> 00:14:27,439 Now, then, the best bet is the 413 00:14:27,439 --> 00:14:27,439 Bertrand Russell Super Silver. 414 00:14:27,439 --> 00:14:30,800 That's a real beauty. 250 quid 415 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:30,800 plus hospital treatment. 416 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:32,959 Ooh, that's a lot. 417 00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:32,959 It's color. 418 00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:34,520 Right. 419 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:36,800 One, two, three. 420 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:36,800 Testing, testing. 421 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:38,439 Mince pie for me, please. 422 00:14:38,439 --> 00:14:39,959 What did she say that for? 423 00:14:39,959 --> 00:14:41,520 Quiet, please. 424 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:41,520 It's not adjusted yet. 425 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:43,520 Oh, I am enjoying 426 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:43,520 this rickshaw ride. 427 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:46,280 I've been a Tory all my life, 428 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:46,280 my life, my life. 429 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:47,920 Good morning, 430 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:47,920 Mr. Presley. 431 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:49,680 How well you look. 432 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:49,680 You look very well. 433 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:52,439 Our cruising speed 434 00:14:52,439 --> 00:14:52,439 is 610 miles per hour. 435 00:14:52,439 --> 00:14:54,199 Well, well, well, porridge. 436 00:14:54,199 --> 00:14:57,400 Well, well, hell, 437 00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:57,400 hell, hello, hello, dear. 438 00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:58,520 Hello, dear! 439 00:14:58,520 --> 00:14:59,880 Ooh. 440 00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:03,479 Right. 441 00:15:03,479 --> 00:15:03,479 One, two, three... 442 00:15:03,479 --> 00:15:05,240 Eight. Seven. 443 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:06,479 [LOW VOICE] Four. 444 00:15:06,479 --> 00:15:06,479 Good. 445 00:15:06,479 --> 00:15:08,319 Oh, she never 446 00:15:08,319 --> 00:15:08,319 knew that before. 447 00:15:08,319 --> 00:15:09,839 Quiet, please. 448 00:15:09,839 --> 00:15:14,040 Mrs. Zambezi... who wrote 449 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:14,040 the theory of relativity? 450 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:16,560 I know! I know! 451 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:16,560 Quiet, please. 452 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:19,360 Einstane. Einstone. 453 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,000 Einsteen. Einston. Einstin. 454 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,280 Einsten. Einstein. 455 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:24,280 Good. 456 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:26,319 Noel Einstein. 457 00:15:26,319 --> 00:15:26,319 Right. 458 00:15:26,319 --> 00:15:27,839 That'll be 13 459 00:15:27,839 --> 00:15:27,839 and 6, please. 460 00:15:27,839 --> 00:15:29,760 Ooh, that's 461 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:29,760 marvellous. 462 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:31,959 She can take it off at night, 463 00:15:31,959 --> 00:15:31,959 unless she wants to read. 464 00:15:31,959 --> 00:15:33,280 Don't ask her 465 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:33,280 too many questions, 466 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:34,880 because it'll 467 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:34,880 get hot. 468 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,959 If you do have any trouble, 469 00:15:36,959 --> 00:15:36,959 here's my card. 470 00:15:36,959 --> 00:15:38,880 Give us a ring. 471 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:38,880 Oh, thank you. 472 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:41,280 Give us a ring, and either 473 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:41,280 myself or Mr. Rutherford 474 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:42,640 will come and see you. 475 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:42,640 Goodbye. 476 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:43,959 Thank you 477 00:15:43,959 --> 00:15:44,959 very much. 478 00:15:46,839 --> 00:15:48,920 Uh, he's gone now. 479 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,240 Uh... 480 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:53,599 shall we, uh... 481 00:15:53,599 --> 00:15:55,120 go down 482 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:55,120 and give blood? 483 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,800 Yes, please, 484 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:56,800 Mr. Roosevelt, 485 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:58,599 but try and keep 486 00:15:58,599 --> 00:15:58,599 the noise to a minimum. 487 00:15:58,599 --> 00:16:01,319 Oh, that's fine. I'll go 488 00:16:01,319 --> 00:16:01,319 and get your coat for you. 489 00:16:01,319 --> 00:16:03,680 Oh, I'm quite warm 490 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:03,680 in this stick of celery, 491 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:05,599 thank you, Senator Muskie. 492 00:16:07,079 --> 00:16:08,719 Stapling machine, Mr. Clarke. 493 00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:10,959 New brain. 494 00:16:10,959 --> 00:16:13,079 Stapling machine, 495 00:16:13,079 --> 00:16:13,079 Mrs. Worral. 496 00:16:13,079 --> 00:16:15,160 Stapling machine, 497 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:15,160 Mrs. Zambezi. 498 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,240 Are you sure that's 499 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:17,240 working all right? 500 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:19,079 Oh, yes, thank you, 501 00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:19,079 dear. It's marvelous. 502 00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:20,439 I think if we can 503 00:16:20,439 --> 00:16:20,439 win one or two 504 00:16:20,439 --> 00:16:22,160 of the early 505 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:22,160 primaries, 506 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:24,120 we could split the urban 507 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:24,120 Republican vote wide open. 508 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:25,319 Mm-hm. 509 00:16:25,319 --> 00:16:27,240 Well, here we 510 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:27,240 are, then. 511 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:29,000 Oh, being President 512 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:29,000 of the United States 513 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,880 is something I shall 514 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:30,880 have to think about. 515 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:32,400 Blood donors that way, please. 516 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:32,400 Oh, thank you very much. 517 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,079 Thank you. 518 00:16:36,839 --> 00:16:38,160 [INAUDIBLE WHISPERING] 519 00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:39,240 What? 520 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,040 [INAUDIBLE WHISPERING] 521 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,120 No. 522 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:45,120 [INAUDIBLE WHISPER] 523 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:46,959 No. I'm sorry, but no. 524 00:16:48,079 --> 00:16:49,680 [WHISPERS] 525 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,959 No, you may not give 526 00:16:52,959 --> 00:16:52,959 urine instead of blood. 527 00:16:52,959 --> 00:16:54,599 [WHISPERS] 528 00:16:54,599 --> 00:16:55,760 No, well, I don't 529 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:55,760 care if you want to. 530 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,319 [WHISPERS] 531 00:16:57,319 --> 00:16:59,439 No, there's no such thing 532 00:16:59,439 --> 00:16:59,439 as a urine bank. 533 00:16:59,439 --> 00:17:00,800 Please. 534 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:02,359 No. We have 535 00:17:02,359 --> 00:17:02,359 no call for it. 536 00:17:02,359 --> 00:17:03,920 We have quite enough 537 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:03,920 of it 538 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:06,200 without volunteers 539 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:06,200 coming in here donating it. 540 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,560 Just a specimen. 541 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:08,560 No, we don't want a specimen. 542 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,599 We either want your blood 543 00:17:10,599 --> 00:17:10,599 or nothing. 544 00:17:10,599 --> 00:17:13,480 I'll give you some blood 545 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:13,480 if you'll give me... 546 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:15,800 What? 547 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:15,800 A thing to do some urine in. 548 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,399 No, no, no. 549 00:17:17,399 --> 00:17:17,399 Just go away, please. 550 00:17:17,399 --> 00:17:19,119 Anyway, I don't want to 551 00:17:19,119 --> 00:17:19,119 give you any blood. 552 00:17:19,119 --> 00:17:21,040 Fine, you don't have to, 553 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:21,040 you see. Just go away. 554 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,839 Can I give you some spit? 555 00:17:22,839 --> 00:17:22,839 Nope. 556 00:17:22,839 --> 00:17:24,520 Sweat? 557 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:24,520 Nope. 558 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:26,560 Earwax. 559 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:26,560 Nope. Look, this is a blood bank. 560 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,440 All we want is blood. 561 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,440 All right. I'll give 562 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:32,640 you some blood. 563 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,919 Where did you get that? Today. It's today's. 564 00:17:39,919 --> 00:17:41,960 What group is it? 565 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:41,960 Uh, what groups are there? 566 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,520 There's "A"-- 567 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:44,520 It's "A". 568 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:47,560 Wait a moment. 569 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:53,000 It's mine. This blood's mine. 570 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,560 What are you doing with it? 571 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:54,560 I found it. 572 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,680 You found--? You stole it 573 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:56,680 out of my body, didn't you?! 574 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:58,760 No. 575 00:17:58,760 --> 00:17:58,760 No wonder I'm feeling off-col-- 576 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:00,720 Give that back. 577 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:00,720 It's mine. 578 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:01,960 It is not yours. 579 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:01,960 You stole it. 580 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,440 Never. 581 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:03,440 Give it back to me! 582 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:07,320 All right. But only 583 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:07,320 if I can give urine. 584 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,120 Get in the queue. 585 00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:12,280 Good afternoon, and welcome 586 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:12,280 to wife-swapping from Redcar. 587 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:13,919 And the big news this afternoon 588 00:18:13,919 --> 00:18:15,960 is that the British boy, 589 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:15,960 Boris Rodgers, 590 00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:19,680 has succeeded in swapping 591 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:19,680 his 9-stone, Welsh-born wife 592 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:23,600 for a Ford Popular 593 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:23,600 and a complete set of Dickens. 594 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,720 Well, now, I can see 595 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:25,720 they're ready at the start, 596 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,840 so let's go now 597 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:28,840 over to the start of the 3:30. 598 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,639 ANNOUNCER 1: First let's 599 00:18:31,639 --> 00:18:31,639 catch up with the latest news of the betting. 600 00:18:31,639 --> 00:18:34,560 ANNOUNCER 2: 601 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:34,560 Number 12, Betty Parkinson, 7-to-4 on favorite. 602 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:38,480 Number 27, Mrs. Colyer 603 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:38,480 9-to-4, 5-to-1 bar those. 604 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,520 ANNOUNCER 1: 605 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:40,520 And here's the starter, Mrs. Alec Marsh. 606 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,240 And they're off. 607 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:43,760 And Mrs. Rodgers 608 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:43,760 is the first to show. 609 00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:45,520 She goes into 610 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:45,520 Mr. Johnston's. 611 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:47,360 And Mrs. Johnston 612 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:47,360 across to Mr. Colyer, 613 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,120 followed closely by 614 00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:49,120 Mrs. Casey on the inside. 615 00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:50,840 Mrs. Parkinson, number 12, 616 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:50,840 going well 617 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:53,040 into Mr. Webster's 618 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:53,040 from the co-op. 619 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:54,800 Mrs. Colyer's making 620 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:54,800 ground fast after a poor start. 621 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,720 She's out of Mr. Casey's, 622 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:56,720 into Mr. Parkinson's. 623 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,360 She's a couple of lengths 624 00:18:58,360 --> 00:18:58,360 ahead of Mrs. Johnson, 625 00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:00,159 who's still not out of 626 00:19:00,159 --> 00:19:00,159 Mr. Casey's. 627 00:19:00,159 --> 00:19:02,000 Mrs. Penguin and number 8, 628 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:02,000 Mrs. Colyer, 629 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:03,720 these two now 630 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:03,720 at the head of the field, 631 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,639 from Mrs. Brown, 632 00:19:05,639 --> 00:19:05,639 Mrs. Atkins, Mrs. Parkinson, 633 00:19:05,639 --> 00:19:08,560 Mrs. Warner and Mrs. Rudd, 634 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:08,560 all still at Mr. Phillips.' 635 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,360 Mrs. Penguin making a 636 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:11,360 running now, challenged by Mrs. Casey. 637 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:13,560 Mrs. Casey coming from 638 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:13,560 very fast on the inside. 639 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:16,000 It's gonna be Mrs. Casey 640 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:16,000 coming from behind on the outside. 641 00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,480 Mrs. Penguin running. 642 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:18,480 And at the line 643 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:21,320 it's Mrs. Casey who's got it by 644 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:21,320 a short head from Mrs. Penguin, 645 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,120 in second place, 646 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:23,120 Mrs. Parkinson in third, 647 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:25,200 Mrs. Rudd, Mrs. Colyer, 648 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:25,200 Mrs. Warner. 649 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:29,480 And there's Mrs. Griffiths, 650 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,160 who's remained unswapped. 651 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:33,280 Well, a very exciting race there, 652 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,280 and I have with me now 653 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:35,280 the man who owned 654 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:38,760 and trained the winner 655 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:38,760 Mrs. Casey... Mr. Casey. 656 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,960 Well done, Jack. 657 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:40,960 Uh, thank you, John. 658 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:42,760 Well, were you surprised 659 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:42,760 about this, Jack? 660 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,000 No, not really. No. 661 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,919 She's been going 662 00:19:45,919 --> 00:19:45,919 very well in training 663 00:19:45,919 --> 00:19:47,560 at, uh, Doncaster 664 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:47,560 last week. 665 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:49,200 Uh, and I fancy her 666 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:49,200 very strongly 667 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:50,760 for the, uh, Cheltenham 668 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:50,760 weekend. 669 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:52,520 Well, thank you 670 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:52,520 very much indeed, Jack. 671 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:53,919 We must leave you now, 672 00:19:53,919 --> 00:19:56,040 because it's time 673 00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:56,040 for the team event. 674 00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:57,639 Hello, and 675 00:19:57,639 --> 00:19:57,639 a very warm welcome 676 00:19:57,639 --> 00:19:59,760 from the Tower ballroom suite, 677 00:19:59,760 --> 00:19:59,760 Reading, 678 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:00,960 where there's very 679 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:00,960 little in it, 680 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,639 they're neck and neck, 681 00:20:02,639 --> 00:20:04,280 crop and grommet, 682 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:04,280 real rack and saddle, 683 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:05,960 brick and bucket, 684 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:05,960 horse and tooth, 685 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:07,600 cap and thigh, 686 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:07,600 arse over tip. 687 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,159 They're absolutely 688 00:20:09,159 --> 00:20:09,159 birds of a feather, 689 00:20:09,159 --> 00:20:10,800 there's not a new pin in it. 690 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:12,560 You couldn't get a melon 691 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:12,560 between them. 692 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:15,440 Well, now, everything rests 693 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:15,440 on the formation event, 694 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:19,200 and here comes the North West 695 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:19,200 with the mambo. 696 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,440 Maestro, 697 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:21,440 take it away, please. 698 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,919 [MAMBO MUSIC PLAYING] 699 00:20:23,919 --> 00:20:25,599 [MAN YELLS INDISTINCTLY] 700 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,240 [ALL YELLING, GRUNTING] 701 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:46,120 And now, it's time for Rugby League, 702 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,679 highlights of 703 00:20:47,679 --> 00:20:47,679 this afternoon's game 704 00:20:47,679 --> 00:20:50,720 between Keighley 705 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:50,720 and Hull Kingston Rovers. 706 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:52,960 ANNOUNCER: 707 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:52,960 Well, good afternoon, and as you can see, 708 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:56,120 Hull Kingston Rovers 709 00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:56,120 are well in the lead. 710 00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:58,360 It's a scrumdown on the 25, 711 00:20:58,360 --> 00:20:58,360 and Keighley, 712 00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:00,000 Tom Colyer, with the put-in, 713 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,000 Mrs. Colyer to be put. 714 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:02,000 [GRUNTING] 715 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:04,760 And there goes his wife 716 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:04,760 deep into the scrum. 717 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:07,919 They've got the heel 718 00:21:07,919 --> 00:21:07,919 against the head. 719 00:21:07,919 --> 00:21:10,120 Doing very nicely 720 00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:10,120 with this scrum. 721 00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:12,560 Some very good packing here. 722 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,520 Warrington's picked it up. 723 00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:14,520 Is he going to let her go? No. 724 00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:16,480 He passes to Wrigley. 725 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,760 [MRS. COLYER YELLING] 726 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:20,375 [ANNOUNCER TALKING INDISTINCTLY] 727 00:21:20,399 --> 00:21:21,480 [MEN CHEERING] 728 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,679 [WHISTLE TWEETS] 729 00:21:23,679 --> 00:21:25,679 ANNOUNCER: 730 00:21:25,679 --> 00:21:25,679 Well, that was right on the whistle. 731 00:21:25,679 --> 00:21:27,280 Rovers walking it down, 732 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,840 winning easily 733 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:29,840 by 26 points to 2. 734 00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:31,960 Just a reminder: that 735 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:31,960 on Match of the Day tonight, 736 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,879 you can see highlights of two 737 00:21:34,879 --> 00:21:34,879 of this afternoon's big games. 738 00:21:34,879 --> 00:21:36,639 Mrs. Robinson 739 00:21:36,639 --> 00:21:36,639 v. Manchester United 740 00:21:36,639 --> 00:21:39,040 and Southampton 741 00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:39,040 v. Mr. Rogers. 742 00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:41,000 A rather unusual 743 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:41,000 game, that. 744 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:42,760 And here's a late result. 745 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:46,720 Coventry City, nil, 746 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:46,720 Mr. Johnson's Una, 3. 747 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:49,320 Coventry going down 748 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:49,320 at home there. 749 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:51,679 Just a little reminder that the 750 00:21:51,679 --> 00:21:51,679 next sport you can see on BBC 1, 751 00:21:51,679 --> 00:21:54,000 will be 9:20 752 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:54,000 on Wednesday night, 753 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:57,560 when Wife-Swapping with Coleman 754 00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:57,560 comes live from my place. 755 00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:59,679 Till then, good night. 756 00:21:59,679 --> 00:22:03,720 [♪] 757 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:48,919 There they go, the credits of the year. 758 00:22:48,919 --> 00:22:51,679 Credits that you 759 00:22:51,679 --> 00:22:51,679 and the society 760 00:22:51,679 --> 00:22:53,639 voted as the credits 761 00:22:53,639 --> 00:22:57,560 that brought the most credit 762 00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:57,560 to the society. 763 00:22:57,560 --> 00:22:59,960 Sadly, the man 764 00:22:59,960 --> 00:22:59,960 who designed them 765 00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:01,800 cannot be with us tonight, 766 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,560 as he is at home asleep. 767 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:07,800 But we are going to wake him up 768 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:07,800 and tell him the good news. 769 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:11,320 Are you there in Bristol, 770 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:11,320 Arthur Briggs? 771 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:13,399 Oh, my God! 772 00:23:13,399 --> 00:23:15,040 [APPLAUSE] 773 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:21,840 And now for the moment you've all been waiting for. 774 00:23:22,919 --> 00:23:25,399 No. Not that moment. 775 00:23:25,399 --> 00:23:29,320 Although, that moment 776 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:29,320 is coming in a moment. 777 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,520 The moment I'm talking about 778 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:35,120 is the moment 779 00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:35,120 when we present the award 780 00:23:35,120 --> 00:23:39,760 for the cast with 781 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:39,760 the most awards award. 782 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:43,120 And this year is no exception. 783 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:47,240 Ladies and gentlemen, will you 784 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:47,240 join me and welcome, please, 785 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:51,040 the winners of this year's 786 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:51,040 Mountbatten trophy, 787 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:54,200 show business's 788 00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:54,200 highest accolade, 789 00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:58,600 the cast 790 00:23:58,600 --> 00:23:58,600 of the dirty-vicar sketch. 791 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:00,960 [APPLAUSE] 792 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:03,320 [SYMPHONY PLAYING] 793 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:30,480 Well... now, let us see the performances 794 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:33,080 which brought them 795 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:33,080 this award. 796 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:34,679 Let us see... 797 00:24:34,679 --> 00:24:38,520 the dirty-vicar 798 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:38,520 sketch. 799 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,919 Have you seen Lady Windermere's 800 00:24:40,919 --> 00:24:40,919 new carriage, dear? 801 00:24:40,919 --> 00:24:42,560 Absolutely enchanting. 802 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:42,560 Isn't it? 803 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:45,399 Yes. 804 00:24:45,399 --> 00:24:45,399 The new vicar to see you, milady. 805 00:24:45,399 --> 00:24:47,240 Ah. Send him in, 806 00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:47,240 Chivers. 807 00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:48,399 Certainly, milady. 808 00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:52,000 Now... how is your tea, dear? 809 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:53,600 A little more 810 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:53,600 water perhaps? 811 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:55,040 Thank you. It's 812 00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:56,640 delightful as it is. 813 00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:01,840 The Reverend Ronald Simms, 814 00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:04,159 the dirty vicar 815 00:25:04,159 --> 00:25:04,159 of St. Michael's-- Aah! 816 00:25:04,159 --> 00:25:05,840 Hello, hello. 817 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,040 Craw, what a lovely 818 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:08,040 bit of stuff. 819 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:09,879 I'd like to get 820 00:25:09,879 --> 00:25:09,879 my fingers around... 821 00:25:09,879 --> 00:25:11,000 [SHRIEKING] 822 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:11,000 Oh! 823 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,080 [VICAR GRUNTING] 824 00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:15,080 [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 825 00:25:17,159 --> 00:25:18,720 Oh! How do you find the vicarage? 826 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:21,159 Yeah. I like tits. 827 00:25:21,159 --> 00:25:22,600 [YELLS] 828 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:22,600 [SHRIEKS] 829 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:24,439 Oh, vicar! Vicar! 830 00:25:24,439 --> 00:25:24,439 Oh, my goodness. 831 00:25:24,439 --> 00:25:26,840 I-- I do beg your pardon. 832 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:26,840 How dreadful. 833 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:29,199 I-- My first day in my new 834 00:25:29,199 --> 00:25:29,199 parish, I completely lost my-- 835 00:25:29,199 --> 00:25:30,679 Yes. Never mind. 836 00:25:30,679 --> 00:25:30,679 So sorry. 837 00:25:30,679 --> 00:25:32,399 Never mind. 838 00:25:32,399 --> 00:25:33,879 Uh, Chivers, send Mary in 839 00:25:33,879 --> 00:25:33,879 with a new gown. 840 00:25:33,879 --> 00:25:35,879 Certainly, milady. 841 00:25:35,879 --> 00:25:35,879 I do beg your pardon. 842 00:25:35,879 --> 00:25:38,399 I-- I'll help you sit down. 843 00:25:38,399 --> 00:25:38,399 I'm-- So sorry. 844 00:25:38,399 --> 00:25:41,679 As I was saying, 845 00:25:41,679 --> 00:25:41,679 um, how do you find the new vicarage? 846 00:25:41,679 --> 00:25:43,879 Oh. Oh, yes, c-certainly. 847 00:25:43,879 --> 00:25:43,879 Yes, indeed. Um... 848 00:25:43,879 --> 00:25:45,760 I find the-- The 849 00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:45,760 grounds delightful 850 00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,159 and the servants 851 00:25:48,159 --> 00:25:48,159 most attentive. 852 00:25:48,159 --> 00:25:49,720 Uh, particularly 853 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:49,720 the little serving maid 854 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:52,120 with the great big knockers, 855 00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:52,120 who once she gets going... 856 00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:53,960 [GRUNTING] 857 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:55,879 [SCREAMING] 858 00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:59,120 [APPLAUSE] 859 00:26:00,399 --> 00:26:02,919 Well, there we are. 860 00:26:02,919 --> 00:26:06,720 Another year has been 861 00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:06,720 too soon, 862 00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:09,000 alas, ended. 863 00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:12,159 And I think 864 00:26:12,159 --> 00:26:12,159 none more than myself 865 00:26:12,159 --> 00:26:14,840 can be happier 866 00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:14,840 at this time 867 00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:16,360 than I... am.