["YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME" PLAYING]
♪ I'm a sentimental sap, that's all ♪
♪ What's the use of trying not to fall? ♪
♪ I have no will, you've made your kill ♪
♪ 'Cause you took advantage of me ♪
♪ I'm just like an apple on a bough ♪
♪ And you're going To shake me down somehow ♪
♪ But what's the use? You've cooked my goose ♪
♪ 'Cause you took advantage of me ♪
♪ I'm so hot and bothered That I don't know ♪
♪ My elbow from my ear ♪
♪ I suffer something awful Each time you go ♪
♪ It's much worse when you're near ♪
♪ Here am I With all my bridges burned ♪
♪ Just a babe in arms Where you're concerned ♪
♪ So lock the doors and call me yours ♪
♪ 'Cause you took advantage of me ♪
♪ I have no will, you've made your kill ♪
♪ 'Cause you took advantage of me ♪
♪ So lock the doors ♪
♪ And call me yours ♪
♪ You took advantage ♪
♪ Of poor little me ♪
[MAN OVER RADIO] Crossbow, this is Watchdog.
Confirm all transmissions on Discriminator.
[PILOT] Roger, Watchdog.
Crossbow is on Discriminator, and all systems are go.
[MAN] Roger, we mark you go for maneuvering sequence.
[PILOT] Watchdog, this is Crossbow.
I am established. Confirm we are go for arm.
[MAN] Affirmative, Crossbow.
Select electrics to max, vents to open and systems to onboard.
- [PILOT] Roger. Crossbow is armed. - Roger.
We now have ground confirmation. Rabbit is in the hole.
Moving Target Indicator, engage.
Pathfinder is on. I'm going on the scope.
Roger.
[PILOT] Scanner on.
Target locked. Tracking locked.
- Roger. - Easy does it. That's it.
Hold it right there.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[ANNOUNCER] The Crossbow Project.
There's no defense like a good offense.
[PILOT] Mission accomplished.
- [MAN] Outstanding, Crossbow. - Just like shooting ducks in a barrel.
[ANNOUNCER] Working in secret,
our scientists are turning an engineering dream
into an effective reality.
- [DAVE] Now all we have to do is build it. - [DON] Nice little weapon, isn't it, Dave?
What do you think of Don's movie, Roy?
I think there weren't enough girls in it.
[ALL LAUGH]
Well, I have a little tape on alternate weapon uses, mini-shuttle plans,
and B-1 modifications for aerial launch.
Does the president or any other responsible agency know about this?
We're on a need-to-know basis, George. Besides, the CIA's responsible.
I think they do need to know. You're gonna cause a major escalation.
Our studies indicate that this type of weapon is totally useless in warfare.
It's not intended for use in your kind of warfare.
It's the perfect peacetime weapon. That's why it's secret.
- So it's both immoral and unethical? - [DAVE] Yes.
[ALL LAUGH]
When do we get it?
As I understand it, there seems to be a small technical problem
with the energy source...
I don't want to hear about any problems. We have plans for your gun this summer.
I need a success here.
I don't need any delays jeopardizing that success.
- Am I making myself clear, Don? - Oh. Clear as vodka.
You tell that Dr. Hathaway to get on the stick.
- I'm gonna have to push harder, then. - As long as we have a weapon by June.
- Right, general? - I wouldn't know, Dave.
I haven't had a working weapon since Korea.
- [ALL LAUGH] - I'm sorry, Dave. This is too much.
- I'm gonna ask for reassignment. - Sorry to hear that, George.
I urge you to stop.
Thanks for your input. Sorry you won't be on the team.
Maybe next time.
Too bad. Used to be a good man.
I'm afraid we're gonna have to liberate George.
Liberate? You mean, liquidate?
Larry, let's see that film on blinding techniques.
Then we'll all have some lunch.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Could you sign this, please? - Are you Dr. Hathaway?
Yes, I am.
I just loved your television show.
Thank you very much. That's very kind of you.
Listen. Tell me, uh, what is Mr. Einstein really like?
Dead.
See, Dad, laser means light amplification
by stimulated emissions of radiation.
So this is coherent light.
- Oh. So it talks, right? - No.
- [GASPS] Dr. Hathaway, what a surprise! - How are you, Mrs. Taylor?
Something wrong with Mitch's test scores?
If there is, it's because I had the flu and couldn't make him breakfast.
Well, I thought I'd fly in and bring you the news myself.
I just got word from Admissions. We did it. Mitch is in at Pacific Tech.
- Isn't that wonderful? - Way to go, boy!
Don't shake his head!
- How you doing, Mitch? - Fine.
- Nice display here. - Thanks.
It's a flash-lamp-pumped ultraviolet laser at 342 nanometers.
Well, as you know, there is interest in the atomic iodine laser for fusion.
This is molecular iodine.
Therefore, this laser doesn't suffer from recombination of the atomic iodine.
You must be very proud.
- Proud? - Oh, yeah. Sure.
Mitch is the first student we've ever accepted for midwinter term.
- Honey. - I imagine he's the youngest too.
No. Actually, the youngest we ever had was 12.
He cracked under the pressure within six months.
Mitch is 15. There's not gonna be any problem with that.
Right. Listen, doc, about this scholarship thing.
Now, you're gonna give him a signing bonus, right?
No. But by allowing Mitch to progress at an accelerated rate,
we give him the opportunity to fulfill a far greater portion of his potential.
[MOM] We just want the best for Mitchie.
Dr. Hathaway, I saw your show the other night on radioactive isotopes.
- And I've got a question for you. - Yes?
- Is that your real hair? - Yeah.
- Tell me, is Mitch by any chance adopted? - Why, no!
- It's amazing. - Isn't it?
If I don't get something to eat, I'm gonna die.
- Bye, Dr. Hathaway. - Goodbye.
I'll see you later, honey.
They're really all right.
It's just sometimes they don't know what I'm talking about.
I'm sure about that. So tell me, Mitch, are you gonna miss your friends?
- No, I think I intimidate other kids. - Good boy.
Mitch, there's something you're going to have to understand.
Compared to you, most people have the IQ of a carrot.
We're different than most people, Mitch. Better. I'm...
- [WOMAN] There you are, Dr. Hathaway! - Hi. Yes, one second, one second.
I've put you on my own research team with the finest minds on the campus.
This is the second time I've ever given such an honor to a freshman.
The first one was Chris Knight in 1981, right?
- You've heard of Chris? - Yes, he's a physics legend.
You're going to be working with Chris.
He's a senior now, and he's as brilliant as he ever was.
Wow.
[MAN] Soon as you graduate, this job will be waiting, Chris.
[CHRIS] Great.
- We have a complete physical plant here. - You have a Jacuzzi?
- Absolutely. - Good.
And the labs and offices are right over this way.
Follow me, please.
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Guys!
- Meet Chris Knight. This is Sherry Nugil. - Pleased to meet you.
- And this is Mike Dodd. - Dr. Dodd?
The one who just designed our brand-new Telcom satellite.
It's an honor to meet you, sir.
Telcom.
Isn't that the satellite that's raining debris all over Europe?
Why is that toy on your head?
Because if I wear it anywhere else, it chafes.
I'm sorry. It's just that I didn't want you guys to think I was stuffy.
You know, no fun. All brain, no penis.
- Pardon me? - I'm sorry.
It's just an infantile response to authority.
Yes. You are Chris Knight, aren't you?
I hope so. I'm wearing his underwear.
It's a joke! I get it! That's funny!
I just can't help it. You guys are such fun.
Well, we try to be. Isn't that right, Mike?
No.
Chris, Sherry's gonna show you around the place.
You can ask her any questions about benefits, dress codes, whatever.
- I'll see you in my office later. Okay? - Great.
Sherry, take very good care of this young man.
He's one of the ten finest minds in the country!
Someday I hope to be two of them.
- You are very beautiful. - Thank you.
How'd I come off? Too stuffy?
You certainly don't act like one of the top ten minds of America.
- Really? How many have you met? - Seven.
- Really? - Mmm. You'll be eight.
Professor Hostetler at MIT was number six.
Old Professor Hostetler? Isn't he dead?
He is now.
Hello. I'm looking for the President's Freshman Tea?
Oh, good.
I'm so glad we have one, then.
Gene, it's too much.
- No, I don't think so. - Gene.
- This is Mitch Taylor. - Oh. Professor Hathaway's bright star.
- Yes, sir. - And you're already on his project.
- We expect great things from you. - Oh, I hope so, sir.
- Oh, a bit of advice. - Oh, uh, thank you.
Always...
No. Never forget to check your references.
Okay. Thank you.
- Uh, I better be going. Oops. Sorry. - That's all right.
I think the young people enjoy it when I "get down" verbally, don't you?
[BOY] Hey, where's the funeral?
♪ In case you hadn't noticed ♪
♪ It's the dog eating dog Eating dog eating dog ♪
♪ In case you hadn't noticed ♪
How you doing, sport?
♪ It's the cat and the mouse... ♪
[BOY] Hey, Bobby, wait up, man!
Check if he's down in his room. He might be in there.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[BOY 1] Let's go for a bike ride.
Chuck, your brother called.
[BOY 2 LAUGHS] He's never home, man. No, I don't know where he is.
Hello?
- What kind of a place is this? - [CHRIS] Hi.
Would you be prepared if gravity reversed itself?
[MITCH STAMMERS]
The only thing I can't figure out is how to keep the change in my pockets.
I've got it. Nudity.
I was here this morning...
- You didn't straighten up, did you? - No.
Good. All my filth is in alphabetical order.
This, for example, was under "H" for toy.
- What is that? - This? It's a penis stretcher.
- You wanna try it? - No!
I'm kidding. It's yet another in a long series of diversions
- in an attempt to avoid responsibility. - I, uh...
Dropped off my luggage. And now all my bags are empty.
You see, Mitch, I used to be you.
And, uh, lately I've been missing me,
so I asked Hathaway if I could room with me again.
So I put all your stuff away in the bottom drawer there.
Had trouble with the sports jacket, so I threw it out. Duck!
Nice reflexes. I'm Chris Knight.
- Oh, no. - Oh, yes. Duck again!
[GIRL] Hey!
Oh, my God!
It's heading for the gas tanks. Duck!
Would you classify that as a launch problem or a design problem?
- We're falling way behind, Jer. - We're not making cheese sandwiches.
- [HATHAWAY] All right. Get down! - [MAN] Hey!
What are you doing? Are you crazy? You could have killed us!
That is one of the deans, I cannot be seen with you.
I know, Jer, but since I'm driving, don't you think you should be hiding?
- He saw me. - [SCOFFS]
Jerry, look, I came here to tell you that the climate has changed.
We need a working model within four months, not 18.
You can't dictate innovation, Don.
Let me put it another way.
You know all the money we've been spending on development?
Yes.
Well, when a project gets cut off,
the finance boys always run an audit.
- I see. - Mm.
Having a little work done on the old place, huh, Jer?
Fraud is a felony.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
What are you looking at? You're laborers, you should be laboring.
That's what you get for not having an education.
[DOG BARKING]
Get out of here! Go on, go on! Get out of here! Get out!
- [BOY] Go long! - [ALL CLAMORING]
- Got it! - Yeah!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Hey! - Yes?
- Put down the sandwiches and go. - Me?
No, Yoda. Yeah, you! Just a bit.
- [MITCH] I don't have any... - [KENT] Brains?
- No. Sandwiches. - [KENT] Then what good are you?
- [CARTER] What are we supposed to eat? - Are you from the restaurant or not?
No. I'm Mitch Taylor. I'm a student.
Dr. Hathaway told me to come up here.
Oh.
So, uh, you're the new stud, are you?
- How do you mean? - Stud. Hotshot. Brain.
- You're 12 years old, right? - I'm 15. Are you expecting him, or...?
Yeah. Any minute now. Can I get you something?
- A balloon? - I'm supposed to take a look at your work.
Check it over.
- Check it over? - Well, yes.
- For what? - Mistakes, I guess.
- He said you guys were stuck. - No, no, no.
Let's get something very clear here.
Okay, when Jerry's not here, you do what I say.
It goes from God to Jerry to me. Get it?
[DOOR SLAMS]
Hello, Jerry.
I told you before, Kent. You don't get to use my first name.
- Did I? - How you doing, Mitch?
Now, I'm sure you'll all become fast friends.
- [KENT] We're well on our way already. - Good.
After Mitch is brought up to date, I want you to take your cues from him.
His ideas on efficient fluorescent compounds are the most original I've seen.
So from now on, Mitch is gonna be in charge of the group.
[KENT] Really, Jerry?
- [HATHAWAY] You're doing it again, Kent. - Oh, am I?
- Where is Knight? - He didn't bother to come in today.
[BODIE] Uh...
- Yes, Bodie? - He said he didn't feel like it.
I said, "You better." And he said, "Or what?"
I said, "Or else you're gonna be in trouble." He said, "Jam it!"
That's a wonderful story. I noticed you stopped stuttering.
- Been giving myself shock treatments. - Up the voltage.
- I'm sorry he isn't here... - That clown? Look at this!
We heard he wasn't coming. Kent decided to start without him.
The fluorescent yield's insignificant. We think the sample's been damaged.
- What? - Well, obviously the result of negligence.
It'll take us at least a week to prepare another sample, and I was afraid of this.
- Are you sure about that? - We're sure. Positive.
- Excuse me. Excuse me. - [KENT] There's simply no excuse for it.
- Yeah, Mitch, what is it? - [MITCH] I think the pump laser is down.
This doesn't look right. Look.
[MACHINE HUMMING]
There.
- Well, it seems to be all better now. - Aw, shi...
Damn it, don't touch other people's things!
- Kent, I need you. - Anything, Jerry.
What? Do you want me to teach your sophomore class for you?
No, I need you to do some duplicating, get copies made of all the data so far.
So young Mitch can get started. He's gonna check everything tomorrow.
- My pleasure. - Then after that, stop by my cleaners.
Don't give it a thought. I enjoy it.
- Mitch, shall we? On the moment. - Sure.
Well, I guess it goes from God
to Jerry, to you,
to the cleaners.
Right, Kent?
Library, library...
Two-oh-five.
["SUMMERTIME GIRLS" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[STUDENTS CHATTERING]
Welcome to Pacific Tech's "Smart People on Ice."
Let's go skating.
- Ick, the ice turned out so great! - Yeah, it worked, didn't it?
- How did you do it? - Oh, sure.
I tell you, then you tell somebody else,
next thing you know, we're in the middle of another ice age.
[EXCLAIMS]
- Everybody must be skating! - Just 'cause you're a slack, Knight!
- Moles and trolls. - [MITCH] What?
Moles and trolls. Work, work, work. We never see the light of day.
We plan this thing for weeks and all they wanna do is study.
I'm disgusted. I'm sorry, but it's not like me. I'm depressed.
[YELLING]
We had no one at the mutant hamster races,
one entry for the Madame Curie look-alike contest,
and he was disqualified later.
Why do I bother?
Let's go! What are you, a bunch of weirdos?
- Want a cherry? I grow them myself. - A cherry?
Okay, push once.
[MITCH] Are you okay?
No, not emotionally. No, I'm not. I'm disappointed. Not terribly. But still.
It should have gone much further, much faster.
I know what the problem is. It's obviously the drag coefficient.
I'll just have to redesign the blades. I can do that, no problem.
But I've got to cut them, and that takes tools and time.
- Do you know how long this will last? - Maybe another half an hour.
That's great. I can do that, no problem.
- Okay. What's your name? - Mitch.
Thank you for your help, Mitch. I'll see you later.
You're welcome!
- Who was that? - That...
I'm Jordan. I heard there was gonna be someone new. Are you it?
Yeah.
- Do you have a bed? - Yeah.
I'd make you one, but you have one. Okay, I'll see you later. Okay, bye.
Bye.
- What's all this supposed to be? - This? This is ice.
This is what happens to water when it gets too cold.
This? This is Kent.
This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated.
This should keep you busy for a while.
This plus your regular class load should turn your brains to tapioca in a month.
Kent, that is so unfair. And we were gonna make you king of the winter carnival.
Yeah?
- [MITCH AND ICK LAUGH] - Oh, ha-ha-ha.
I suppose you're in on this too. Did you make it?
- I'm not saying. - Well, who's gonna clean it up?
You don't have to. It's gonna go from solid form directly to gas.
Whoa. Really? What is it?
I'm not saying. But I can tell you that it's fairly rare and very unstable.
Just like you.
- You're a bunch of degenerates. - [CHRIS] We are?
I found you naked with that bowl of Jell-O.
- You did not. - This is true.
- I was hot, and I was hungry. Okay? - [BOY WHOOPS]
[KENT] And anyway, I got news for you, Knight.
- You're not number one here anymore. - Number one what?
Mighty Mouse over here beat your placement scores by over 20 points.
Yeah, you did? You think you're hot stuff, huh?
No.
Yeah, well, hey, maybe you are smarter than me.
But can you do this?
Whoa!
[COUGHING]
[CHRIS] Ick, what's happening with the ice?
[BOY] Open a window!
Ick, I'm melting!
- It worked! - That's neat!
- Now if we can keep it from exploding. - Exploding? Oh, God.
[CHRIS] Hey, Ick. You're just joking about exploding, right?
Ick?
It's a joke, right?
[DOOR OPENS]
[CLOSET DOOR CREAKS]
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Good morning. I saw you come in here.
We met last night, remember? I had the sled with me. I'm Jordan.
- Here. I made you a sweater. - Last night?
It's something I do with my hands. I hope I got the size right.
I have a brother and I use him for size comparison.
I have a pretty good eye, so I went ahead and made you one 'cause I was up.
- Are you peeing? - Yeah.
Oh. I never sleep. I don't know why. I drove my roommate nuts.
They had to take her away in ambulance. She's okay now, but she had to transfer.
I don't know if that's my fault.
If you ever need to talk, let me know. I'm just a couple doors down.
And I never sleep, okay?
- Thanks. I will. - Are you done?
- Uh, I can't start. - Because I'm here?
I think so.
- Weird. Well, I have to go. - Me too.
Bye.
- [POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] - [HUMMING]
[CHRIS] Good morning!
[HUMMING CONTINUES]
- Chris? - Morning.
You know, um, something strange happened to me this morning.
Was it a dream where you see yourself standing in a robe on a pyramid
with 1000 naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
No.
Why am I the only person that has that dream?
Is that liquid nitrogen?
Mm-hm.
- Coffee? - No.
[CHRIS] So, what happened?
Did you know there's a guy living in our closet?
You've seen him too?
Who is he?
Hollyfeld.
- Why does he go in to our closet? - Why do you go in?
To get my clothes. But that's not why he goes in there.
Of course not. He's twice your size. Your clothes would never fit him.
- [SCOFFS] - Yeah.
Think before you ask these questions, Mitch.
Twenty points higher than me, thinks a big guy like that can wear his clothes.
["I'M FALLING" PLAYING]
♪ I never thought this could happen ♪
♪ I never thought I could feel this way ♪
♪ Till this strange reaction today ♪
♪ You give me a new sensation ♪
♪ In a place that has no name ♪
♪ Something tells me I'll never be the same ♪
♪ Now it's all changed ♪
♪ I'm fallin', fallin' ♪
♪ Fallin', fallin' ♪
♪ I'm fallin', fallin' ♪
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
♪ I began to slip ♪
♪ I didn't know what was coming next ♪
- [HORN HONKS] - [TIRES SQUEAL]
♪ Even so I was not prepared for this ♪
[MOUTHS]
♪ Not prepared for this ♪
[MACHINE HUMMING]
♪ I used to think nothing mattered ♪
♪ Now I see possibilities ♪
♪ You showed a new direction ♪
♪ To me ♪
♪ And it's all changed ♪
♪ I'm fallin', fallin' ♪
♪ Fallin', fallin' ♪
♪ I'm fallin', fallin' ♪
♪ Fallin', fallin' ♪
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
♪ I began to slip ♪
♪ I didn't know what was coming next ♪
♪ Even so I was not prepared for this ♪
♪ Not prepared for this ♪
♪ I'm fallin', fallin' ♪
♪ Fallin', fallin' ♪
♪ Fallin' ♪
[MAN ON TAPE]...plus Y equals zero.
"This is it."
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Come on, get out of here! Get out of here! Go on, get!
- You wanted to see me? - Mr. Knight.
Right on time. That's a little unusual these days.
- You still run? - Only when chased.
- What's that smell? - Must be the dog.
- That's popcorn. - Yes, sir. I know.
Get it away from me. I can't stand popcorn. I hate popcorn.
Come on, put it over there.
Good. Now I know what to get you for your birthday.
I guess we're moving up in the world, eh, Jerry?
- It's very elegant. - Thank you. Try not to touch anything.
- Is this okay, sir? - It's oak, not plywood for God's sake.
- Quite a change from the old place. - Shoes.
Look, I want to start seeing a lot more of you in the lab.
Fine. I'll gain weight.
- You're a very funny boy, Chris. - Thanks, Jerry, we try.
You can sit.
When I first brought you into this school, I thought you'd become another Einstein.
- You were well on your way. And then? - I got a haircut.
- You're disappointing me, Chris. - And you me, Jerry.
- Look, it's about our deal. - I know, Jerry. And...
I have advanced your project more than any three students on campus.
That was yesterday. What have you done for me today?
Well...
[WHIMPERING]
I want five megawatts by mid-May.
Uh, Jerry, I think you might be getting a little obsessive about all this.
Now, I took in Mitch, okay?
He's coming along fine. He's working his guts out for you.
- So, what exactly do you want? - I want five megawatts by mid-May.
Look, I don't care if you're arrogant.
I don't care if you're disrespectful.
But your attitude's distracting Mitch. And that I won't have.
The rules have changed. I want it by mid-May.
Jerry, I think that you're just forgetting about one little detail.
And that's I'm out of here. I'm gone, I'm history. I'm Casper.
I'm graduating.
To graduate, you need my course, dear boy.
So it seems that I have a say about what you do and where you go.
So from now on, you and Mitch will spend every waking moment in the lab.
And you will solve my power problem and solve it by my deadline.
Jerry...
If you think that by threatening me you can get me to be your slave...
that's where you're right.
But... And I'm only saying this because I care.
...there are a lot of decaffeinated brands that are just as tasty as the real thing.
I'm not kidding, Chris.
Neither am I, Jerry.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey, Mitch.
Do me a favor, will you?
Taste this. Come on, you won't hurt my feelings.
Just give it a taste... Yeah, there you go.
What, too sweet?
- What is it? - I don't know, it was in the lab.
Oh! [GROANS]
Relax, it's just yogurt. Mmm.
- Mitch, Mitch, are you all right? - No, I'm not.
This combination of electrical plus chemical cyanide is dumb.
We're going in the wrong direction.
You're the only one that knows how to use this garbage.
You're never here. And, finally, I think I'm getting brain-fried.
Okay, Mitch, I'm gonna make it up to you.
Let's just pause, put that down.
Let's just take a step back.
No, I was wrong, sorry, take a step forward.
Now take a step back.
And step forward. Then step back. And then we're cha-cha-ing.
- Will you stop it? I'm serious! - Okay, I'm serious too.
Let's charge this baby up. Give me everything you got. Come on.
I gotta go in the cage to connect the capacitors.
Okay, this is work time.
- How you doing there, Mitch? - Fine. Don't rush me.
Okay, just take your time. Everything's fine.
What is taking so long?
[MITCH] I'm coming.
Charging.
[CHRIS] Shades.
[MACHINE POWERING UP]
- What are you doing? - Waiting.
- Oh, no. - Relax.
That's just the fuses at the substation. It'll be back on in a minute.
Maybe I shouldn't have shorted across the building transformer.
But, more importantly, did we get a charge?
What'd you do?
- Wait a minute! - Come on, Sputnik.
You said you wanted help, so here we go.
- What? - Beautiful minds.
Chris, we have work.
We're going to work. Hard work.
- This must've taken you hours. What...? - [LAUGHS] Well, let's go find out.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[CHRIS] I told you they'd turn it back on.
- [BOY] What's this? - [CHRIS] It's a laser beam, bozo.
- What's it for? - [CHRIS] Not what. Where.
- What? Oh! - [CHRIS] Follow it. It's a surprise.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
You like it?
[BOY] Hey, what's the beam splitter for?
[CHRIS] What's the matter with you guys? Need everything spelled out for you?
[APPLAUSE]
[CHRIS] Come on, let's tan!
["ALL SHE WANTS TO DO IS DANCE" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
We have one for Mitch.
♪ And puttin' them in a pen ♪
♪ And all she wants to do is Dance, dance ♪
♪ Rebels been rebels Since I don't know when ♪
[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Come on in, the South Pacific calls you.
- [BOY 1] Chris, who are the girls? - They're not from around here, I'd know.
- They're from a nearby college. - [BOY 2] Which one?
The Wanda Trossler School of Beauty.
- They're beauticians? - Not yet.
- I don't know. - Your genius might impress them.
- I don't see how. - [CHRIS] Okay, okay.
Given the type of people you are and the environment you're in,
you have to admit the strong probability that this may be
the only chance you will ever have in your entire lives
to have sex.
Think about it.
Yeah!
[SCREAMS]
♪ She wants to party She wants to get down ♪
♪ All she wants to do is All she wants to do is dance ♪
[BOY WHOOPING]
Destiny! I've got her now.
♪ Government bugged the men's room ♪ In the local disco lounge ♪
- Don't eat that. - Huh?
Don't you know that eating that stuff can give you very large breasts?
Oh, my God. I'm too late.
♪ And all she wants to do is dance ♪
♪ That don't keep the boys From makin' a buck or two ♪
[WOMAN LAUGHS]
♪ And all she wants to do is Dance, dance ♪
Don, don't act as if I don't want my own invention to work.
- There are only so many hours in the day. - Ready to go, Dr. Hathaway.
Pushing me doesn't help, Don. You'll have to tell them that.
Okay. Start showing some results, or they'll find somebody else.
- [WOMAN] Roll tape. - Oh, really? Who?
Then you won't have your big toys anymore.
I am the best, Don. Who do you think you're dealing with?
How dare you try this. I have to go on.
I think this whole conversation is in incredibly poor taste. I really do.
- Son of a bitch. - Asshole.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[ANNOUNCER] Welcome to Everything, with your host, Dr. Jerome Hathaway.
Funded by a grant from Darlington Electronic Instruments.
And now Dr. Hathaway.
Hi, I'm Jerry Hathaway, with Everything.
Tonight, we are going to look at something that most of us take for granted.
The colon.
What does it look like?
[MAN] Hey, get out of there.
Kent!
- [WOMAN] Cut! - What?
- You're in front of the teleprompter. - Ow. Well, I didn't know.
- There's something I have to tell you. - Did you get my dry cleaning?
Yes, but there's something you should know.
- The gravy stain. - No, no, that came out.
Chris and Mitch, they're not working, they're at a party.
With girls.
- I want you to show me where. - My pleasure.
[YELLING LIKE TARZAN]
["ONE NIGHT LOVE AFFAIR" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
♪ But I never thought That I'd be touching you ♪
♪ How was I to know ♪
♪ I'd let my feelings go ♪
♪ And that I'd be yours Before the night was through ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ One night love affair ♪
♪ Tryin' to make like we don't care ♪
- Hi, are you busy? - Yes. No. No.
Do you wanna help test my rebreather? Come on!
[MITCH] Sure!
♪ Pretendin' it ain't there ♪
It's actually a simple principle. It's basically a filter.
It lets the CO2 out and the O2 back in, like a plant. But no bubbles.
- How come you're not, uh...? - Necking? I'm not gay!
No, partying.
Oh. Because I'm 19 and I'm brilliant and I'm hyperkinetic.
So guys are a little afraid.
Probably, if I stopped to think about it, I'd be upset.
I think you're very nice.
♪ But I lose control ♪
I think you're nice too.
Do you want to try this?
Yeah.
- It's lighter in the water. - [MITCH] How about you?
[JORDAN YELLS]
♪ We were both reachin' out For somethin' ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah... ♪ - [MUSIC STOPS]
[BOY] Hey, what's with the music?
Taylor!
[MUFFLED] Taylor!
- [MITCH COUGHS] - [BOY] Come on! Turn it back on!
[HATHAWAY] You're supposed to be in the lab.
I was, I just...
You're at Pacific Tech to work, not to play doctor.
- I was working. I just got delayed. - Yeah, where's Knight?
- You both make me sick. What? Yeah. Oh. - Kent!
I took a big chance in recommending a 15-year-old.
I can see now that I made a mistake. Hope you're proud of yourself.
- Dr. Hathaway? - What?
Are you wearing makeup?
What?
[MUSIC RESUMES]
♪ One night love affair ♪
[BOY WHOOPS] Cannonball!
I need just one more course to complete my humanities credits.
[CARTER] No, I don't know what to tell you, man.
[KEYPAD CLICKING]
[MITCH] Yes, I'd like to make a collect call to Mrs. Bill Taylor.
- Ah. Come on, come on, come on. - [MITCH] Mitch Taylor.
- [KENT] I got an idea. I got a great idea. - [CARTER] What?
- What? - [KENT] Hold it down!
[MITCH] Mom, I...
I want to come home.
- [MITCH] Mom, are you there? - [MOM] Baby, you sound upset.
- What's wrong? - I don't like it here anymore.
I wanna come home and live with you.
You rented out my room?! Mom, to who?
[MOM] You remember Mr. Echevarria, he's the plumber.
- Listen. - [MITCH] Mom...
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
So where were you last night?
The lab, where you were supposed to be.
Mmm. Yeah.
Jordan said that Hathaway got down on you. What exactly did he, uh...?
Let me hold on to that thought and get back to you.
[MITCH OVER SPEAKERS] Mom. Mom, are you there?
[MOM] Baby, you sound upset. What's wrong?
[MITCH] I don't like it here anymore. I wanna come home and live with you.
[MOM] It's not for you to like, it's for you to do.
You're 15 years old now.
[MITCH] I wanna come home and live with you.
- [MOM] You want to live with me and Daddy? - Yeah. And Dad too.
- I wanna go back to high school. - [MOM] Daddy's rented out your room.
[MITCH] My room?
- Mom, to who?! - [MOM] Mr. Echevarria, he's the plumber.
[MITCH] Mr. Echevarria and I can share it. Mom, I don't wanna stay here anymore.
[MOM] Now, Mitchie, that doesn't sound like Mama's little soldier.
[DAD] Mitch, it's your dad.
- [MITCH] Hi, Dad. - Are you crying?
- [MITCH] Yes, sir. I'm sorry. - Well, I hope nobody sees you.
- [MITCH] I'm just a kid. - You've never been just a kid.
[SIGHS] Okay.
If you wanna leave, go ahead.
But, uh, you're gonna miss the fun.
What fun?
Ick invented a new virus and we're going to release it in Kent's room.
The other night I needed your help and you just wanted to party.
I did help you. I tried to help you relax.
Being snubbed by beauticians is not my idea of relaxing.
Student beauticians.
You know, I thought this place was different. But it's just the same.
In high school, they stuffed me in a mailbox. Did I tell you that?
My teachers disliked me because I was smarter than they were.
Students hated me because I blew the bell curve. Does that sound familiar?
Mitch, I was just like you.
My mother used to dress me in white shirts and Hush Puppies,
guaranteeing that a girl would never talk to me.
When I first came here, for three years I studied all the time.
- You? - Yeah.
Then one night, when sitting in this chair right here, I had a vision.
- What? - Hollyfeld.
- The guy in the closet? - Lazlo Hollyfeld.
And I followed him into the closet, down into the steam tunnels.
And there I saw the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life.
- What? - Hollyfeld in his pajamas.
- So? - So I talked to him.
- You did? - Yeah.
He used to be the number one stud around here in the '70s.
[WHISPERS] Smarter than you and me put together.
- So, what happened? Did he crack? - [IN NORMAL VOICE] Yes.
He cracked, severely.
- Why? - He loved his work.
- Well, what's wrong with that? - Nothing. But that's all he did.
He loved solving problems, he loved coming up with the answers.
But he thought that the answers were the answers for everything.
All science, no philosophy.
One day, someone tells him that the stuff he was making was killing people.
So, what's your point? I'm gonna end up in a steam tunnel?
- Yeah. - What?
You are, if you keep up like this.
Mitch, you don't need to run away from here.
When you're smart, people need you.
- You can use your mind creatively. - Yeah.
- I noticed you don't study too hard. - Bingo.
Yeah, but if I stay, what should I do?
First thing, get even with Kent. It's a moral imperative.
- Yeah. - Yeah!
- Now you try it. - Yeah!
- That's good. Now let's unpack. - Right.
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Which is what makes Darlington so sweet. You get everything.
- Yeah, but Knight's got that locked. - Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't.
Okay! Psst!
Come on. Come on, you guys. He's gone.
Kent put his name on his plate.
[MITCH] My mom does the same thing with my underwear.
Your mother puts license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
[AIR HISSING]
Hey, Kent.
That's your car.
Kent, you know you're not supposed to park that on campus.
You know, this isn't funny.
- You've gone too far this time. - I had help.
You, huh?
I'm gonna get you guys.
Dr. Hathaway's gonna hear all about this. You'll rue the day!
- "Rue the day"? Who talks like that? - I don't know.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Wow. Hello.
Hi.
Well...
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Listen, Jerry asked me to drop by. What did he ask you to do?
- What? - Which word didn't you understand?
- Are you here for the meeting? - What meeting?
- I don't know. - Okay.
- Look, I'm just waiting. - Great.
What it comes down to, if you can't do it, we'll have to get somebody else.
- I have a timetable, doctor. - We're very close, everything'll be fine.
Don, remember, you work for me. I think I've made my point, haven't I?
- Crystal clear. Really. - Anything I should know about, boys?
- I'll be with you in a moment. - Goodbye, Jerry. And good luck.
Susan.
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to know you at all.
I can't stand it. Have you ever seen a body like this before in your life?
- She happens to be my daughter. - Oh. Well, then I guess you have.
- Coming, Don? - Yeah.
Seriously, listen, if there's ever anything I can do for you or...
more the point, to you, you let me know, okay?
Can you hammer a spike through a board with your penis?
- Not right now. - A girl's gotta have her standards.
Susan.
- That is a very smart girl. - What do you think you're doing?
- You said, come over. - Stay off the rug.
Take off your shoes.
- What's up, doc? - Sit down.
- Who were those guys? - You are no longer of any use to me!
Interesting way to open up a conversation.
I'm giving Kent the Darlington job.
Did you suddenly find humor? You gave me the job.
- You need a degree. - I can pass your exam.
Even if you pass, you don't pass.
- Why don't you leave right now? - Okay, fine. I'll go to Dr. Meredith.
The work I've done on laser alone should merit a degree.
You can tell him anything you like. Who will he believe, you or me?
- You can't do this. - It's done. You're out. Now get out!
And I'll make sure you never work in this field again.
- You unbelievable bastard. - Count on it.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
What are you doing?
Self-realization. I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates,
who said:
"I drank what?"
Is there something wrong?
Hathaway is going to flunk me out of school.
- Why? - I screwed up.
- What are you gonna do? - I guess I'll leave.
You can't do that. You'll be a failure!
Thank you, Mitch.
You just can't leave. You owe me 10 bucks.
You can't quit now.
If for no other reason than just to see a five-megawatt laser fire. Just once.
That would be nice.
- You gotta finish what you start. - Who said that?
You know that.
That's right, Mitch. But that is no way to motivate somebody.
You've got to get even with Jerry Hathaway.
It's a moral imperative.
["NUMBER ONE" PLAYING]
That's a good point.
♪ Number one is a hard time In the making ♪
♪ Number two is the one plane I'm not taking ♪
♪ Number three goes on one knee For a token ♪
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
♪ Number four is the short straw But it's broken ♪
♪ I'd give my all just to be number one ♪
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
♪ Number one is a hard time In the making ♪
- ♪ Don't give ♪ - ♪ Don't give ♪
- ♪ A damn ♪ - ♪ A damn ♪
- ♪ What else ♪ - ♪ What else ♪
- ♪ I am ♪ - ♪ I am ♪
♪ The man in the making ♪
♪ Making, making, making ♪
♪ Number five is a bad ride 'Round the circuit ♪
♪ Number six is a sad dream When you're working ♪
♪ I'd give the world If I could be number one ♪
♪ Number one is the one way To salvation ♪
- ♪ I'll do ♪ - ♪ I'll do ♪
- ♪ My best ♪ - ♪ My best ♪
- ♪ To beat ♪ - ♪ To beat ♪
- ♪ The rest ♪ - ♪ The rest ♪
- ♪ And be ♪ - ♪ And be ♪
♪ The best in the nation ♪
♪ Nation, nation, nation ♪
- ♪ I'll stake ♪ - ♪ I'll stake ♪
- ♪ My claim ♪ - ♪ My claim ♪
- ♪ I'll make ♪ - ♪ I'll make ♪
- ♪ My name ♪ - ♪ My name ♪
- ♪ My love ♪ - ♪ My love ♪
♪ My game, my vocation ♪
♪ Vocation, vocation, vocation ♪
[EXCLAIMS]
[SCREAMING]
♪ I'd give my all just to be number one ♪
♪ I'd give my all just to be number ♪
♪ I'd give my all just to be number one ♪
- ♪ Don't give ♪ - ♪ Don't give ♪
- ♪ A damn ♪ - ♪ A damn ♪
- ♪ What else ♪ - ♪ What else ♪
- ♪ I am ♪ - ♪ I am ♪
♪ The man in the making ♪
No. Vito, not again.
Not in the mailbox, Vito.
- No! - Mitch.
Mitch.
Why don't you get some sleep.
It's not like we're driving or anything. You're still a growing boy, I hope.
Hey, Lazlo.
Lazlo?
Oh.
That's me. Hello.
I've been watching you.
Thanks.
Well, I thought you might need some help with the test,
so I found every question Hathaway's ever asked
on every final he's ever given.
Gee, I didn't get you anything.
Are those they?
No.
These are entries into the Frito-Lay sweepstakes.
No purchase necessary. Enter as often as you want, so I am.
That's great! How many times?
Well, this batch makes it 1,650,000.
I should win 32.6% of the prizes, including the car.
That kind of takes the fun out of it, doesn't it?
But they set up the rules.
And I've come to realize I have certain materialistic needs.
So, uh...
Where are the questions?
I memorized them.
Sure.
Uh...
I gotta go to sleep.
Did you wanna borrow my pajamas?
No. No, thanks.
- Hey, he's a pretty smart kid. - Yeah.
He's gonna grow five inches in the next year.
- [WOMAN] Mitch? - Jordan?
Mitch Taylor?
Uh, who...?
My name is Sherry Nugil. I've been waiting three years for this.
- For what? - For you to be old enough.
- For what? - For this.
[WHIRRING LOUDLY]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Come in!
Oh, hi, Mitch! I'm just sanding my floor!
Could you turn that off a second?!
What's the matter? How come you're so sweaty?
I came back from helping Chris, and there was a woman in my room.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
- Pardon? - A woman. You know, she was an adult.
- Oh. - Well, she wanted...
She wanted to...
- Oh, God. How can I say this? - Jump you?
- Yeah. - You made it with her?
- No. That's what was unbelievable. - Pardon?
It's true. I stopped her. I told her I didn't want to.
Why?
'Cause I really did want to.
- Huh? - I wanted to. But... not with her.
Oh.
- This is my class hour. - It is the 10th of May, Jer.
- What, Don? What are you doing here? - What am I doing...?
What are you doing here?!
You don't realize, Decker is dangerous! Where's the laser?!
- It's coming. - [SCOFFS] It's not even breathing hard.
Jerry, he wants the laser by the end of the week!
Now, you listen to me! You groveling bug!
I have exams! I am doing what I can, so get off my back!
Well, that should just about do the trick, as long as you stay cool.
- Let's go, girls. - [BODIE] What do you mean by that?
It's a figure of speech, Bodie. You guys coming to the exam or what?
I guess so, seeing as Hathaway's gone through all the trouble of having one.
You coming, buddy boy?
Uh, I'll catch up to you guys. I have to go to the bathroom.
Okay, Kent. I don't think that's gonna help your confidence any, do you?
Buddy boy.
Let's see how funny you think this is.
Buddy boy.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
All right, we...
We have exactly three hours for this.
And remember, we believe in the honor system here, boys and girls.
Though it will be apparent to me
how many of you have absorbed this material and how many of you haven't.
Take one, pass it back, just like your IQ was normal.
Good luck, buddy boy.
Do you mind if I name my first child after you?
"Dipshit Knight" has a nice ring to it.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[BOY] Whoa!
What?
No. No!
No!
No, no!
My condolences on your meltdown, Knight.
What meltdown, Kent?
I'm not saying that you had one...
because how would I know?
But just in case you do.
- You slime. - It's your own fault, Knight.
Didn't anyone ever tell you to make sure your optics are clean?
[YELLS]
[EXCLAIMING]
I can do it! How does it feel to be frozen?!
Yeah! Ice is nice!
- Lazlo, buddy! Have you seen Mitch? - Uh... No.
- No? Mitch! - No. He's not in there.
- How'd you do? - How? I passed! But I failed! Yeah!
- Well, then I'm happy and sad for you. - Thank you.
Gotta find Mitch. Mitch!
That's beautiful. He's not in the toilet.
I'm gonna freeze it and get at least an order of magnitude.
Because it's gonna be frozen. I think I can do it.
Not sure. I gotta find Mitch. Take care. Bye!
Hey, man! You're not Mitch. And you're not either.
Hey, Lazlo! Wanna see a demonstration of gravity? Yeah!
- I gotta get there! - Chris!
It can be done! That's a window! That's a door!
That's a hall!
Yeah! Mitch! Where's your math?!
[WOMAN YELLS] Hey, you jerk!
[CHRIS] I'm very sorry. I'll buy you a car.
I don't have one. It's my dad's.
["SUMMERTIME GIRLS" PLAYING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Mitch!
[DOORBELL RINGING]
- [HATHAWAY] What the...? - Hey! How's it going, Jerry?
What do you want, Knight?
World peace. But I don't think this is the time to discuss it.
- Get out! - Something might interest you, Jerry.
- I'm not interested in anything you say. - Dr. Hathaway...
[CHRIS] Susan.
I solved the power problem, Jerry.
Jerry?
Take a cab.
[CHRIS] So you'll hammer later.
[SCREAMS]
[CHRIS] As you know, Mitch and I were working on the cyanide system.
Well, earlier today, it ate itself.
But that's just what we needed to take a giant step forward.
Right, Kent?
Needless to say, I was a little despondent about the meltdown.
But then, in the midst of my preparations for hari-kari,
it came to me.
It is possible to synthesize excited bromide in an argon matrix.
Yes. It's an excimer, frozen in its excited state.
That's impossible.
It's a chemical laser. But in solid, not gaseous form.
Put simply, in deference to you, Kent, it's like lasing a stick of dynamite.
As soon as we apply a field,
we couple to a state that is radiatively coupled to the ground.
I figure we can extract 10-to-the-21st protons per cubic centimeter,
which will give 1 kilojoule per cubic centimeter at 600 nanometers
or 1 megajoule per liter.
That's hotter than the sun.
- It's small. - It's supposed to be small.
[CHRIS] Of course, we only have the one sample...
and it's going to destroy itself as it lases.
But everything's going to be fine.
[MACHINE POWERING UP]
- Isn't it, Mitch? - [MITCH] Yeah.
- This is a complete waste of time. - [SHUSHING]
Do me a favor, Kent, put the target in front of the cinder blocks, will you?
[MITCH] Okay, come behind the shield.
[CHRIS] Okay, Mr. Taylor. Any time you're ready.
[MITCH] Okay.
Ready?
Laser on!
[CARTER] Whoa!
- Fantastic! - [MITCH] All right!
Look at this!
[BODIE] Wow.
- [MITCH] Sorry about the window, sir. - And the trees across the quad!
- What a team! - Yeah!
- You did it. - [KENT] I did my part too.
You graduate. You get the job.
What?! You can't! That's my job.
I've done everything you've ever asked me to. You can't do this!
Look! Look!
I teach your classes for you!
- I get your laundry! - [CARTER] What is he doing?
[KENT] Look, look.
I mounted the optics for the target-tracking system.
Now look at this mirror.
Look! Look!
Wait. Wait.
- [MITCH] Let's celebrate! - Absolutely.
[MITCH] Oh. [LAUGHS]
[CHRIS] You see anything unusual on the campus?
- [ICK] My glasses! - [JORDAN] Well, try not to wobble.
- There is a complete hole. - [CHRIS] That's pretty.
Look.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Look at that!
- Let's get a burger. - [MITCH] Come on.
- Let's go! - What, in there?
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
- [MITCH] This place is wild. - What?
[MITCH] I could clean those guys out at pool.
Do you see that?
You wanna meet her? She lives in Playa del Rey.
- Am I gonna meet your parents? - No.
- Why? Are you ashamed of me? - No, them!
Oh!
You better remember the right people to thank on this.
- Listen up. I'd like to thank my fish. - What do you mean?
- And Mr. Ikagami! - Oh, I love it.
No, what I was talking about...
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- It's, uh... - What are you trying to say?
[CHRIS] Lazlo.
Lazlo, I'm so glad you came out. You want a hamburger?
I've been thinking about your laser solution.
[CHRIS] Oh, good.
I figure you've increased the power output to 6 megawatts.
[CHRIS] Yeah, about that.
- What would you use that for? - Making enormous Swiss cheese?
The applications are unlimited.
No. With the fuel you've come up with, the beam would last for what, 15 seconds?
- What good is that? - Oh, Lazlo, that doesn't matter.
I respect you, but I graduated.
Let the engineers figure out a use for it. That's not our concern.
Maybe somebody already has a use for it,
one for which it is specifically designed.
Dr. Hathaway had something in mind all along?
Look at the facts.
Very high power, portable,
limited firing time, unlimited range.
All you need is a tracking system and a large spinning mirror,
and you could vaporize a human target from space.
This is not good.
No.
[JORDAN] What happened?
Oh, no.
- [MITCH] Chris. - I'm all right.
- They took everything. - [CHRIS] Kent's tracking system's gone!
How could you build that mirror?!
[OBJECTS CLATTERING]
He lied to us.
It's easy to lie to you, Mitch.
You trust people.
I'm a cynic.
I'm such an asshole.
I understand how you feel, Chris. And you're right.
But what we should be doing now is finding out what he's doing.
[MITCH] Kent.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[MITCH] Shh! You guys.
[HISSING NOISE]
- We'll have two minutes. Two minutes. - Pardon?
[DOOR CLOSES]
- [BOY] Hi. - Hi.
[BODY THUDS]
Okay, open his mouth.
Okay. Bulldogs.
And transceiver.
And tweezers.
See, it was the braces that gave me the idea.
They're a perfect antennae. His whole head becomes a speaker.
[CHRIS] It's about time someone put it to good use.
Kent?
[DISTORTED VOICE] Kent. Wake up, Kent.
Ow!
- Kent! - What?
I'm talking to you, Kent.
- What is this? - I said, I'm talking to you.
- No. - Yeah.
Well, I'm not asleep.
- I must be overworked. - You're not overworked, Kent.
Well, I'm not insane!
- Or am I? - That remains to be seen, Kent.
But we are having a conversation.
- Okay, who is this? - This is Jesus, Kent.
And you've been a very naughty boy!
All right, who is this?
- Cut the crap, Kent. You built a weapon. - What?
What do you think a secret phase-conjugate tracking system is for?
A big mirror makes a big beam.
I guess it could be.
Where's the laser now?
I overheard Jerry mention something about a test on the 27th.
But I don't know where. It's classified.
- What?! - Oh, uh, nothing.
I want you to think about what you've done, Kent.
And from now on,
stop playing with yourself!
It is God.
Now what?
Phase two.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- What is it with you?! - [DOG BARKS]
What's that?
- These military people are so untrusting. - [CHRIS] We can't get on-base clearance?
[LAZLO] We will. It's just gonna take six hours.
Forget it. We'll balls it.
How do these look?
Terrible. Mine looks like him, and his looks like me.
Great, I hope.
- What if these don't fool anybody? - They shoot us.
ID?
[SCATS]
- Show these to the guard at the next gate. - Okey-doke. You bet.
[MITCH COUGHS]
IDs?
Hey, can you snap it up, buddy? We just flew in.
We're late, we're tired, we're hungry, we rented this stupid car.
- Are you out of your mind? - You gotta intimidate these guys. Be cool.
You're not on the list.
List? Not on the list. Yeah, that's because we're classified.
[MITCH] Yeah.
[PHONE RINGS]
Security.
Yes, sir.
Aren't you guys a little young to be technicians?
Lasers are a young science.
Okay. There, fine, you made me say it. Now we're both in trouble.
Look, I'll call the duty officer.
- Uh... - Hey there, uh, Airborne.
Don't do that.
If you make that call, it's our jobs. We're four hours late.
- [GUARD] Yes, sir. - Give us a break, will you, buddy?
Someday you might be in the private sector too, right?
[MITCH] Yeah.
[GUARD] Yes.
- We're dead. - Oh, no.
[GUARD] Yes, sir.
- All right. - I love it.
[GUARD] Absolutely, sir.
Consider it done.
Yes, sir.
- Look for anything out of the ordinary. - Okay.
Mitch. Mitch, come here.
[MITCH] My God.
[CHRIS] Okay, come on.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- [MAN 1] Onboard RAM? - [MAN 2] Check.
- Loading point processor? - Check.
[MAN 1] DMA channel.
Laser control system.
[MAN 2] Primary and secondary laser detection systems all go.
Primary and secondary laser activation systems all go.
- [MAN 1] Processor A? - [MAN 2] Check.
- Processor B? - Check.
- Communications link? - Open.
[MAN 1] All the diagnostics seem okay. Final check ready.
Sixty-five degrees, 19 minutes.
Longitude 44 degrees, zero, 9 minutes.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[MAN 1] All systems go. We're finished here, fellas.
What?!
This little polynomial should keep the computer so busy,
it doesn't even know we're here.
[JORDAN] Where are they?
- [LAZLO] Got a connection. They're in! - Oh!
[CHRIS] Abbott to Costello.
- This is Costello. Go ahead. - We've got the goodies.
We've got the target coordinates computed for trajectory adjustment.
Roger, we're sending.
- Uh-oh. - Uh-oh.
What is it?
Oh, nothing.
You didn't think we'd blow all this money to test in space?
Actually, yes, I did, because that is what it is designed for.
But if, in your wisdom, you feel we should learn to crawl before we walk,
I mean, that's fine too. Really.
- [WOMAN] Attention! - What?
- Superior officer in the room! - As you were.
Excuse me. We're ready for the final onboard laser check.
- Shh! - [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[MITCH] All clear.
I'm replacing the PROM with our EPROM.
Okay, shoot.
May I have the coordinates, please?
Thirty-four degrees, ten minutes, 15.21 seconds north.
One hundred nineteen degrees, seven minutes...
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Right over this way.
I'm gonna check the stairs.
Chris! Hathaway's coming!
Mitch has just informed me that Herr Professor is approaching.
- What do we do?! - Please hurry. Hathaway's coming.
Please don't. I don't work well under pressure.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[HATHAWAY] Watch your head there.
I hope that does it.
Okay, Chris, I mean, Abbott. Hello? Hello?
They're gone!
- Okay. Fine. Fine. - All right. Fine. Fine.
[DON] Dr. Goy here will explain any additional questions you might have.
[MAN] Yes. Is there any problem with reusing the weapon?
[GOY] No, no problem.
The fuel is frozen and contained within a self-sufficient unit
- that's replaceable after each use. - [MAN] I see.
[GOY] The beauty of this system is that the fuel laser...
- Is everything all right here? - Why shouldn't it be?
As long as it remains operative, we're going. Fine.
Well, I think that just about sums it up. Don't you? Uh...
Shall we take our exit?
[WOMAN] Looks small to me.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Okay, they're gone. - That was close.
Nothing like borrowing a B-1, huh, general?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[DON] What is it?
Nothing.
Diagnosis of schizophrenia by objective personal analysis...
- [MITCH IN DISTORTED VOICE] Hi, Kent. - Oh.
I thought you'd gone.
Not yet. Have you been touching yourself?
Yes. I mean, no!
Good. Listen, Kent.
Dad, you know, my father, God, wants to show you something.
Why? I meant, what?
I've learned not to ask.
He wants you to wait in front of Dr. Hathaway's house
at 639 Ivy Crest Drive
at precisely 7:08 this morning.
Ivy Crest?
Just wait there and you shall receive a sign.
Do not despair and do not go inside.
Well, why not?
Hello?
Hello, Jesus?
He hung up.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Crossbow One, radar contact, take up a heading of 0-2-5.
Climb to maintain flight level 6-5-0.
[PILOT] Roger. We are 0-2-5 at a 5000 for flight level 6-5-0.
They're here.
Ah. Mr. Knight, why is it that I am not surprised to see you here?
And, uh, I suppose
you have an explanation for this so-called event that we're to witness.
Yes, sir, I do. But first, let me compliment you on your fashion sense.
Particularly your slippers.
Yes, well, uh, Fillamina likes them.
Hey, guys!
- Chris. - Good morning.
Ah. Congressman Doogan. What brings you around?
I was told there was a situation here of critical international importance.
All weapon functions are controlled from this module, as it would be in space.
In fact, this is an exact duplicate of the vehicle cockpit.
The accuracy and the power will be as exact.
- [PILOT] We are nearing the target. - Open the doors.
Crossbow, open bomb bay doors.
- Those are very serious accusations. - [CHRIS] Yes, sir. I know.
If it's true, I'm going to need proof.
I think we can accommodate you both in just one minute.
Duck.
- [JORDAN] Oh, sir, down. - [CHRIS] Congressman?
Now, you listen to me, Jesus.
This is Jerry's house...
and we're very close.
So if you don't answer me, I'm just gonna have to go in.
- So I'm going. - No, Kent!
- Get away! Kent! - Don't go in there!
Get away from there!
- [JORDAN] Don't go in there! - [ICK] Kent! No!
Kent!
Target locked. In ten.
Nine.
Eight.
- [ALL] Kent! - [CHRIS] Come out, Kent!
[CLOCK TICKING]
Okay, God! Let me have it!
- [JORDAN SQUEALS] - [ICK] Oh, look!
[KENT WHIMPERS]
[POPPING NOISES]
Popcorn.
Oh.
- No. - [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
I don't understand. Did it fire?
- Did it fire? - Yes, but there's a problem.
- It's not shutting down. Yes. - Well, shut it down!
- Jerry, what's the problem? - Shut it down!
Kent.
[EXCLAIMS]
Whee!
- [KENT] Whee! - Kent.
- Kent! - [JORDAN] Hey, Kent!
- [MITCH] Kent! - [JORDAN] Kent?
- [CHRIS] Kent, you okay? - [KENT] That was great!
- [MAN] Roger, one. - Something is very wrong.
Out!
Unlock the bird's-eye.
Unlocked.
I'm tracking where the shot went.
I want to know it worked.
Come on, come on.
What the...?
Oh, no.
- My house. - [DAVE] What have you done?
[CROWD CLAMORING]
All right!
[DOG BARKING]
- [ICK] Look at the corner! - That's great.
- [HORN HONKING] - It's Hollyfeld in a Winnebago!
Lazlo, buddy!
[LAZLO] I think we used too much.
- I'm sorry you missed it. - Yeah. Well, I had to pack.
- [CHRIS] Why? - I'm getting married.
- To whom? - What is all this stuff?
[LAZLO] Oh, yeah.
I won, 31.8% of the prizes.
I'll have to figure that out. But not this summer.
- Hi. - Sherry?
Sherry Nugil?
[SHERRY] Isn't it great? This is number one.
I've been looking for him for ten years.
- What can I say? She loves me. - Congratulations.
Okay.
- You'll have to come and visit us. - What do you mean?
I have a little survival place in Wyoming. We're gonna live there.
Yeah, it's getting kind of weird around here, you know?
- Bye. - Bye.
Goodbye.
[ENGINE STARTS]
["EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD" PLAYING]
Think it's getting too weird around here?
Absolutely.
- I didn't notice. - I like it.
[ALL CLAMORING]
♪ Welcome to your life ♪
♪ There's no turning back ♪
♪ Even while we sleep ♪
♪ We will find you Acting on your best behavior ♪
♪ Turn your back on Mother Nature ♪
♪ Everybody wants to rule the world ♪
♪ It's my own desire ♪
♪ It's my own remorse ♪
♪ Help me to decide ♪
♪ Help me make the most of freedom And of pleasure ♪
♪ Nothing ever lasts forever ♪
[DOG BARKING]
♪ Everybody wants to rule the world ♪
♪ There's a room Where the light won't find you ♪
♪ Holding hands While the walls come tumbling down ♪
♪ When they do, I'll be right behind you ♪
♪ So glad we've almost made it ♪
♪ So sad they had to fade it ♪
♪ Everybody wants to rule the world ♪
♪ I can't stand this indecision ♪
♪ Married with a lack of vision ♪
♪ Everybody wants to rule the world ♪
♪ Say that you'll never, never Never need it ♪
♪ One headline, why believe it? ♪
♪ Everybody wants to rule the world ♪
♪ I can't stand this indecision ♪
♪ Married with a lack of vision ♪
♪ Everybody wants to rule the world ♪
♪ Say that you'll never, never Never need it ♪
♪ One headline, why believe it? ♪
♪ Everybody wants to rule the world ♪
♪ All for freedom and for pleasure ♪
♪ Nothing ever lasts forever ♪
♪ Everybody wants to rule the world ♪