1
00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:09,311
(RED DWARF THEME)

2
00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:45,790
<i>(HOLLY) Abandon shipI Abandon shipI</i>
<i>Black hole approaching.</i>

3
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,190
<i>This is not a drill. THIS is a drill...</i>

4
00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:49,759
<i>(DRILLING)</i>

5
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:52,594
<i>Abandon shipI</i>
<i>Oh, GodI Now the siren's bust.</i>

6
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:55,519
<i>AwoogaI AwoogaI Abandon shipI</i>

7
00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:59,636
But a black hole is a huge, impacted star.

8
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:03,634
It's millions of miles wide.
Why didn't you see anything?

9
00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:06,115
Well, the thing about a black hole,

10
00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:09,158
its main distinguishing feature is it's black.

11
00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:12,073
And the thing about space, the colour of space,

12
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:15,312
your basic space colour...is it's black.

13
00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:19,109
- How are you supposed to see them?
- But five.

14
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:22,989
How can you be ambushed by five black holes?

15
00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:28,631
Always the way, innit?
You wait three million years and not one,

16
00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:31,553
then, suddenly, five turn up at once.

17
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:34,475
Come on. We've only got 20 minutes.

18
00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:39,270
- Careful. Don't knock it.
- What did you bring this junk for?

19
00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:42,830
That ''junk'' happens
to be a Javanese camphor-wood chest.

20
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:45,673
It was my father's and has my valuables in it.

21
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:50,715
I never knew you had so much crap.
What's this? Toy soldiers?

22
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:54,397
''Toy soldiers''?
They've been in our family for years.

23
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:58,269
They're priceless replicas
of Napoleon's Armée du Nord.

24
00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:02,109
So you can't change the clothes
like you can with Sindy?

25
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:07,394
- Look, we've got barely 15 minutes.
- What the smeg is this?!

26
00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:12,231
Just what little I've managed
to scrimp and scrape for a rainy day.

27
00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:16,194
- There must be 20 grand here.
- 24. Look, let's get off the ship.

28
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:20,951
24,000? And you had the front
to borrow money off me

29
00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:24,032
to buy ME a birthday present!

30
00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,956
That's going back a bit. It was only 15 quid.

31
00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:33,877
Right, 15 quid. And what did I get?
A five-quid book token.

32
00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:37,476
Those cards aren't free. I had to fork out for that.

33
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:39,915
You never even paid me back.

34
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,072
You're tighter than an Italian waiter's keks.

35
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:45,991
Blue Midget is loaded.

36
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:48,628
- Aren't you ready?
- We'll catch you up.

37
00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:52,270
- Have you got everything?
- Just the bare essentials.

38
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:55,313
I have the bare essentials, too - 36 outfits

39
00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,471
and ten full-length dress mirrors.

40
00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:00,873
Cat, we're going to be away for 12 hours.

41
00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:06,714
- You think I need more mirrors?
- Let's get out of here. Go, go, go!

42
00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:15,399
- I want a safe drive. No stunts.
- No worries.

43
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:25,759
<i>(HOLLY) OK, I'll navigate Red Dwarf</i>
<i>through the black holes.</i>

44
00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:28,957
<i>If all goes well,</i>
<i>we'll rendezvous on Sigma 14D.</i>

45
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,236
<i>(LISTER) What if all doesn't go well?</i>

46
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:35,234
<i>(HOLLY) Red Dwarf will be crushed</i>
<i>to the size of a garden pea.</i>

47
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,671
<i>(LISTER) Bye-bye, Birdseye.</i>

48
00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:46,873
- Please. They're priceless.
- I'm only having a goosie.

49
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:50,032
If you get curry over them, how will that look?

50
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:53,829
What would Baron Jaquinaux
of the First Cavalry Division be doing

51
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,594
with meat vindaloo all over his tunic?

52
00:03:56,760 --> 00:04:01,276
It'll make him look more authentic.
People'll think he's got dysentery.

53
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,594
You're obsessed with war, aren't you?

54
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,513
You collect toy soldiers. You play war games.

55
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:10,114
You read those stupid combat magazines.

56
00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:14,751
Half your books are about Patton
and Caesar and various other gits.

57
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:17,150
It's about leadership. That's what I admire.

58
00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:21,592
It's just so ironic when, deep down,
you're such a natural coward.

59
00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:25,717
- Coward?!
- Planet leave. Miranda.

60
00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:27,871
That space bar. Remember that?

61
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:30,235
When that fight started, you were gone

62
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:33,597
quicker than a whippet with a bumful of dynamite.

63
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,837
That was a bar room brawl, a common pub fight,

64
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,036
a shambolic drunken set-to.

65
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:42,114
Which you started.

66
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,710
I just made an innocuous comment.

67
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:47,872
I merely voiced the rumour
that MacWilliams was sexually tilted

68
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,713
in favour of sleeping with the dead.

69
00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:53,440
I didn't start the rumour. I merely voiced it.

70
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:56,598
To his face. Right to his face.

71
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:59,672
When he was with his four biggest mates.

72
00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:03,310
Then you do a Roadrunner
and leave me to face the music.

73
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:06,910
- I could've got hurt.
- You'd make a brilliant general.

74
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:10,874
Generals don't smash chairs
over people's heads.

75
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,634
They don't stick Newcastle Brown
bottles in your face

76
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:16,712
and say, ''Stitch that, Jimmy.''

77
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:21,511
Generals are in a tent on the hill,
sipping Sancerre, directing the battle.

78
00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:25,355
- They're men of honour.
- You make war sound romantic.

79
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:29,269
I'll tell you something,
something I've never told anyone.

80
00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:34,912
When I was 15, I went on a trip to Macedonia
to Alexander the Great's palace.

81
00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:39,631
And for the first time
in my whole life, I felt I was home.

82
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,314
This palace was where I belonged.

83
00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:47,031
Years later, I got friendly
with a hypnotherapist, Donald.

84
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:52,473
I told him about it. He said
he could regress me back to past lives.

85
00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:55,194
I was dubious, but I let him do it.

86
00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:58,433
It turned out my instincts were absolutely correct.

87
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:02,991
I had lived a past life in Macedonia.
That palace WAS my home.

88
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:06,197
Because, Lister, believe it or not,

89
00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:09,830
he told me that in a previous incarnation,

90
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:14,198
I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.

91
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:20,037
Do you know something? I believe you.

92
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:23,314
He didn't say
I was Alexander the Great himself,

93
00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:27,189
which is what I wanted to hear,
but it explained everything.

94
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,432
I'd lived alongside
one of the greatest generals in history.

95
00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:34,513
- No wonder the military is in my blood.
- No wonder you're a good singer.

96
00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:38,197
Well, maybe it's tot, but even to this day,

97
00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:41,716
I can't look at a pair
of nutcrackers without wincing.

98
00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:45,513
And whenever I'm with a group of women,

99
00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:50,117
I have this overwhelming urge
to bathe them in warm olive oil.

100
00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:54,359
Rimmer, I have that urge.
It's got nothing to do with past lives.

101
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:59,669
- Well, why is it, then?
- It's because you're unhappy.

102
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:04,436
You're unhappy with your own boring,
humdrum, weaselly existence.

103
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:10,591
You're looking for something
with a bit more - I don't know - glamour.

104
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,149
Now is what counts, Rimmer, living for today.

105
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:18,309
Who knows what'll happen tomorrow?
That's what makes life so exciting.

106
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:00,793
(YELPS)

107
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,713
(SQUEALS)

108
00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:25,276
Mayday. Mayday. Can you read me?
Come in, please. Can you read me?

109
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,395
Still snowing, is it?

110
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:35,195
It's useless. You can hardly stand up,
never mind dig it out.

111
00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,868
- No luck?
- Nothing's getting through.

112
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:43,359
Three days. They must be looking for us
by now. Where the smeg are they?

113
00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:47,917
In this weather, they could be
ten feet away and walk past us.

114
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:51,556
We're going to die, aren't we?
How much food is there?

115
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:55,196
There's half a bag
of soggy smoky bacon crisps,

116
00:08:55,360 --> 00:09:00,115
a tin of mustard powder, three water biscuits,

117
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,748
a brown lemon, two bottles of vinegar

118
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:06,515
and a tube of Bonjela gum ointment.

119
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:10,793
- Gum ointment?
- It was in the first-aid box.

120
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,235
It's that minty flavour. It's quite nice.

121
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:16,553
It's quite nice smeared on your mouth ulcer.

122
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:19,951
- You can't eat it.
- You may have to.

123
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:24,358
- That's it? There's nothing else?
- Just a Pot Noodle...

124
00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:27,034
Oh, and some dog food in the tool cupboard.

125
00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:29,595
Well, it's obvious what gets eaten last.

126
00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:32,069
I can't stand Pot Noodles.

127
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:36,550
We're going to die, aren't we?
Correction, I'M going to die.

128
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,433
You're already dead. You don't need food.

129
00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:42,512
- Did you find any wood?
- There's no wood out there.

130
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:45,717
There's no vegetation out there.
Smeg all. Just a wasteland.

131
00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,832
You've got to keep this fire going.

132
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,474
I'm going to die, aren't I?

133
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:53,631
God, I'm hungry. I'm having the crisps.

134
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:55,199
- No.
- Just one.

135
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,755
You ate less than 16 hours ago.

136
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:03,192
I had a raw sprout and that chewing gum
I found under the desk!

137
00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:06,597
You've got to pace yourself.
Go to sleep. Wait till tomorrow.

138
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:11,112
It's OK for you. You don't need food.
You don't even feel the cold.

139
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:14,790
Think of something else.
Try to take your mind off it.

140
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:18,111
Mayday. Mayday.

141
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,034
- I wonder they call it ''Mayday''?
- Eh?

142
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:24,988
The distress call. Why ''Mayday''?
It's only a bank holiday.

143
00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:28,277
Why not Shrove Tuesday
or Ascension Sunday?

144
00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:31,869
Ascension Sunday. Ascension Sunday.

145
00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:37,955
The 15th Wednesday after Pentecost.
The 15th Wednesday after Pentecost.

146
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:42,999
It's French, you doink. ''M'aidez.'' ''Help me.''

147
00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:45,720
- M-aid-ez.
- Is that right?

148
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:48,189
Everywhere I look reminds me of food.

149
00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:50,510
Look at these books - Charles Lamb...

150
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,591
Herman Wok...

151
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:57,153
the complete works of Sir Francis Bacon...

152
00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,117
Eric Van Lustbader...

153
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,997
Eric Van Lustbader?
What's he got to do with food?

154
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:06,829
Van. Bread van. Meat van. Food!

155
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:09,555
Look, you're getting obsessed.

156
00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:12,439
It's these books.
It's like they're here to taunt me.

157
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,160
Look at this,
''The Caretaker'' by Harold Pint-er.

158
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,111
It's Pinter.

159
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:21,431
- Stop thinking about food.
- Take my mind off it.

160
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:23,636
- Talk to me about something.
- What?

161
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:26,513
- Anything.
- Erm...

162
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:29,353
- Anything apart from food?
- Don't talk about food.

163
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:34,953
- I can't think of another topic.
- Don't mention Topics. They're food!

164
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:38,590
- Tell me a story. Any story.
- I don't know any stories.

165
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,994
- Tell me how you lost your virginity.
- My what?

166
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,914
- Talk to me.
- How I lost it?

167
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,271
Well, it was so long ago.

168
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:54,194
I was so young and sexually precocious,
I'm not sure I can remember.

169
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:58,029
Everyone remembers that.
It's just one of those things.

170
00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:01,954
Like everyone remembers where they were
when Cliff Richard was shot...

171
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:06,629
or when the first woman landed on Pluto,

172
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:09,598
or when they put a gigantic toupee
over the Earth

173
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:12,194
to cover the gap in the ozone layer.

174
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:15,079
It's just one of those things you always remember.

175
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,077
Well, I don't.

176
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:21,199
You can hardly expect me to recall
every sexual liaison I've ever had.

177
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:25,353
- What am I, the Memory Man?
- Rimmer, I want the truth.

178
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,396
- The truth?
- Yeah.

179
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,036
Not much to tell, really.

180
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,112
I was always a fish out of water around women.

181
00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:38,397
Never know what to say to them.

182
00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:42,472
I wasn't very highly sexed, to be honest with you.

183
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:47,111
I think it was all that cabbage
I was forced to eat as a boy.

184
00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:49,350
Still, the first time...

185
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:53,877
The first time was this girl
I met at cadet school, Sandra.

186
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,156
We did it in my brother's car.

187
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:59,830
- What was it like?
- Brilliant. Incredible.

188
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,991
Bentley V8 convertible.

189
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:07,508
Walnut panelling.
Marvellous machine. Marvellous.

190
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:13,192
- So, how did you lose yours?
- Michelle Fisher.

191
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,033
The ninth hole
of the Bootle municipal golf course.

192
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:19,317
Par four, dog-leg to the right, in the bunker.

193
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:23,798
You lost your virginity on a golf course?
How did you have the nerve?

194
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:28,198
It wasn't during the Ryder Cup
or anything. It was midnight.

195
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:31,949
- How old were you?
- She was so good-looking.

196
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:37,148
She could have got a job working
on the perfume counter at Lewis's.

197
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:41,751
- How old were you?
- She just stood there completely naked.

198
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:45,356
I was so excited,
I nearly dropped my skateboard.

199
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:48,678
- Skateboard?! How old were you?
- Twelve.

200
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:50,912
Twelve?!

201
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:55,669
Twelve years old?! You lost your
virginity when you were twelve?!

202
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:00,511
Twelve?!

203
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,788
You can't have been a full member
of the golf club.

204
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,711
Of course I wasn't!

205
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:12,789
You did it on a golf course
and you weren't a member?!

206
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:16,873
- Of course I wasn't.
- You didn't pay green fees?

207
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:20,429
It was just a place to go.

208
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:26,111
I used to play golf.
I hate people who abuse the facilities.

209
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:30,191
I hope you raked the sand back
nicely before you left.

210
00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,635
That'd be some lie to get into.

211
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:38,033
Competition the next day, your ball lands
in Lister's buttock crevice.

212
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,998
You'd need more than a niblick
to get that out.

213
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:44,317
- Are you saying I've got a big bum?
- Big?

214
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,914
It's like two badly parked Volkswagens.

215
00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:53,191
All I ever lost when I was 12 were my shoes

216
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,796
with the compass in the heel
and animal-track soles.

217
00:14:56,960 --> 00:15:00,714
Porky Roebuck threw them in the septic tank
behind the sports ground.

218
00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:02,871
I cried for weeks.

219
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,235
I was wearing them.

220
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,033
I never even thought about sex when I was 12.

221
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:14,155
Maybe that's because you
were Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.

222
00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:17,154
- What are you doing?
- There's nothing left to burn.

223
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:20,432
- Don't burn my books!
- There's nothing else left.

224
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,717
But it's obscene. A book is a thing of beauty.

225
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,394
The voice of freedom, the essence of civilisation.

226
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,034
''Biggles Learns to Fly''?

227
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:32,635
Well, perhaps not that one.

228
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,195
''The Complete Works of Shakespeare.''

229
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:37,555
This'll be good for a few hours.

230
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:41,395
Three days without food,
and civilisation comes tumbling down.

231
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:43,591
What are you on about?

232
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:47,435
They say that any society
is three meals away from revolution.

233
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:51,388
Deprive a culture of food for three meals
and you'll have anarchy.

234
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:55,792
It's true. You've gone without food
for two days and become a barbarian.

235
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:59,350
- I'm just burning a book.
- It's not just a book.

236
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:02,592
It's the only copy of the greatest
work in English literature.

237
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:05,035
Probably the only copy left in the universe,

238
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:08,875
and you'd chuck it on the fire
to keep warm for 15 minutes.

239
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,270
There's nothing left to burn.

240
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,079
That's it, then, is it? Toodle-pip, King Lear.

241
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:16,913
Farewell, Macbeth. Bye-bye, Hamlet.

242
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:20,353
Have you ever actually read any of it?

243
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,637
I've seen ''West Side Story''. That's based on one.

244
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:29,349
Have you actually read any of it?

245
00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:31,511
Not all the way through, no.

246
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:33,750
- But I can quote some.
- Go on, then.

247
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,757
''Now...''

248
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:46,470
That's all I can remember.

249
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,960
- What's that from?
- ''Richard III'', you moron.

250
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:54,795
The brilliant ''now'' speech he does.
''Now...something, something.''

251
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,269
It's brilliant. Unforgettable.

252
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:02,519
I'll save it till last. Is it OK if I burn ''Lolita''?

253
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,915
Save page 61.

254
00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:10,072
- That bit.
- That's disgusting.

255
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,758
You can take that look off your face.

256
00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:44,390
- I'm just trying to stay alive.
- You're eating dog food.

257
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:49,395
Yeah. I haven't eaten for six days.
I'm eating dog food.

258
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,160
I'm sure the dog food will be lovely.

259
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:58,919
This isn't dog food. It's a prime
fillet steak in blue cheese sauce.

260
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:03,471
It's been charcoal-broiled in garlic
and is going to taste delicious.

261
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,279
Delicious... Delicious...

262
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:17,553
Well, now I know
why dogs lick their testicles.

263
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:25,433
It's to take away the taste of the food.

264
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:30,232
The stove's getting low.
Better throw another book on.

265
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:33,113
- That's the last.
- You've burnt all of them?

266
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:37,632
When we get to Act Five
of ''Henry VIII'', I'm a dead man.

267
00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:41,558
There must be something else to burn.

268
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:50,158
Not the trunk. It's Javanese
camphor wood. It's priceless.

269
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:53,033
There's only the trunk and what's inside.

270
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:56,596
Wait a minute! Not Napoleon's Armée du Nord.

271
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:58,955
Rimmer, get real, man. What's important?

272
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,956
If it burns, we burn it. What's the least valuable?

273
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:05,190
Not the trunk. My father gave me that.

274
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:07,834
- The soldiers, then.
- They're 19th-century.

275
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:11,356
Irreplaceable. They were hand-carved
by the legendary Dubois brothers.

276
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:13,630
Well, then?

277
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:19,711
Better start unpacking the soldiers.

278
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,668
No. There must be something else
to burn. There must be.

279
00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:28,311
There isn't. I looked.
Look, I know it must be a bummer.

280
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:31,597
I know it must be heartbreaking,
but it's just stuff.

281
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,672
It's just possessions. They're only things.

282
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,990
In the end, they're not important.

283
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:40,516
They might go for a bundle
in some swanky Islington antique shop,

284
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:45,196
but right here and now,
all they are is nicely painted firewood.

285
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,154
This isn't happening. It's a nightmare.

286
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:51,716
You've got to get your priorities right.

287
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:55,111
It's like people
who run back into a burning house

288
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:59,034
to rescue some piece of furniture
and wind up burning to death.

289
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,755
Nothing's more important than a human life...

290
00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:04,957
-What about your guitar?
- ..except my guitar.

291
00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:08,391
Why didn't we think of it before?
We'll burn your guitar.

292
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:11,160
- Not my guitar.
- It's made of wood.

293
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:14,796
Yeah, but it's my guitar.
I've had it since I was 16.

294
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,155
That is an authentic Les Paul copy.

295
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:20,477
But it's not worth anything.
It's just a thing, a possession.

296
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:24,559
- Yeah, but it's mine.
- How is it different from MY soldiers?

297
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:28,150
That's my lifeline. I need that guitar.

298
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:33,635
I mean, when it gets to me...
I mean, the loneliness and all that...

299
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:37,952
When it gets on top of me,
it's my only means of escape.

300
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:40,998
I know I'm not exactly a wizard on it.

301
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:45,073
I know it's only got five strings
and three of them are G...

302
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:48,676
but I've never had anything to cling onto -

303
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,229
no roots, no parents, no education...

304
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:54,512
- No education?
- I went to art college.

305
00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,350
All I've ever had is that guitar.

306
00:20:57,520 --> 00:21:01,513
It's the only thing in my whole life
that hasn't walked out on me.

307
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,671
Don't make me burn it.

308
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:08,831
We've got to.

309
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:18,233
Look, I know
this might sound stupid, like, but...

310
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:22,712
can I just play one song on it,
just one for the road?

311
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,115
Sure, sure.
I mean, I'm not enjoying this.

312
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,874
I know, man. Thanks.

313
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:37,512
# She's out of my life

314
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:42,798
(OFF-KEY) # I don't know
whether to laugh or cry... #

315
00:21:43,760 --> 00:21:45,990
My step-dad taught me this one.

316
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:48,833
It's the first song I ever learned to play.

317
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:53,479
- I'm just going to, er...
- # I don't know whether to live or die

318
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:56,200
# She's out of my...

319
00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:00,031
(FLAT) # Life #

320
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:02,270
- I don't know what to say.
- There's nothing to say.

321
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:06,274
You've made a supreme sacrifice.
You know that?

322
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:09,830
- A supreme sacrifice.
- It had to be done.

323
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,918
I've been judging the book by its cover, haven't I?

324
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:15,355
All these years, that's what I've been doing.

325
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:18,751
When it comes down to it, you're one regular guy.

326
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,671
Don't be modest.
I know what that guitar meant to you.

327
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:28,313
It means exactly the same
as that trunk means to me.

328
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:34,076
If that trunk got so much as scratched,
I would be devastated.

329
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:39,591
It's not the outward value.
To me, that trunk is a link to the past,

330
00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:42,558
to the father I never squared things with...

331
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:47,072
- Is it?
- That trunk is all he ever gave me,

332
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:49,674
apart from...apart from his disappointment.

333
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:56,475
You've shown me, by burning your guitar,
what true value is.

334
00:23:57,760 --> 00:24:02,959
Decency. Self-sacrifice. Those are
the things that make up real wealth,

335
00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:06,635
and from where I'm standing,
I'm a pretty rich man.

336
00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:09,869
- Oh, God.
- Burn the soldiers.

337
00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:14,312
- Not the soldiers, as well.
- I want to make a sacrifice, too.

338
00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:17,233
Burn the Armée du Nord. Cast them to the flames.

339
00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:20,631
Let them lay down their lives
for the sake of friendship.

340
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:28,553
- What's that smell?
- What smell? I can't smell any smell.

341
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:30,832
Camphor wood.

342
00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:39,749
Your guitar was made of camphor wood.

343
00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:45,872
It must have been worth a fortune.
Burn the soldiers right now.

344
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:59,671
Look, there they are. Mush! Mush!

345
00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:08,632
(RIMMER HUMS ''LAST POST'')

346
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,872
Au revoir, mes amis. A bientôt.

347
00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:32,989
Rimmer, there's something
I've got to tell you, something awful.

348
00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:36,715
If it's about finishing off the dog food,
I understand.

349
00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:41,556
- No, it's not about that...
- Hey! Hey! Hey! Oooooow!

350
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:44,228
- Cat! Kryten!
- We made it!

351
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:48,632
- Food! You brought food!
- So, where have you been?

352
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,957
We rendezvoused with Holly.
When you didn't show up,

353
00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:55,430
- I said we should look for you.
- We've been everywhere.

354
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:58,068
Fourteen moons, two planets.
I've been so worried,

355
00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:00,470
I haven't buffed my shoes for days.

356
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:03,993
So, Holly navigated through five black holes?

357
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:06,794
As it transpired, there weren't any black holes.

358
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,958
- They were on the monitor.
- They weren't black holes.

359
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:13,118
- What were they?
- Grit.

360
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:20,316
Five specks of grit on the scanner-scope.

361
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:22,835
See, the thing about grit is it's black,

362
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:24,991
and the thing about scanner-scopes...

363
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:28,351
- Oh, shut up.
- Let's go.

364
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:32,712
Something happened here, Kryten.
Something that made us closer.

365
00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:37,271
I saw a side of Dave Lister
that I never knew existed.

366
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:41,911
He's not an irresponsible, selfish drifter,
always out for number one.

367
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:44,548
He's a man. A man of honour.

368
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:48,757
Excuse me.

369
00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:12,315
Open the trunk.

370
00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:27,992
Kryten, get the hacksaw and follow me.

371
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:30,151
Where are we going?

372
00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:35,314
We're going to do to Lister
what Alexander the Great once did to me.

373
00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:42,677
<i># It's cold outside</i>
<i>There's no kind of atmosphere</i>

374
00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:46,150
<i># I'm all alone, more or less</i>

375
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:49,517
<i># Let me fly far away from here</i>

376
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:52,353
<i># Fun, fun, fun</i>

377
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:56,069
<i># In the sun, sun, sun</i>

378
00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:59,596
<i># I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose</i>

379
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:02,877
<i># Drinking fresh mango juice</i>

380
00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:06,350
<i># Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes</i>

381
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:09,080
<i># Fun, fun, fun</i>

382
00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:12,949
<i># In the sun, sun, sun</i>

383
00:28:13,120 --> 00:28:15,793
<i># Fun, fun, fun</i>

384
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:20,192
<i># In the sun, sun, sun #</i>