1
00:00:06,586 --> 00:00:08,781
(RED DWARF THEME)
2
00:00:45,492 --> 00:00:48,290
(BLEEPS AND WHIRS)
3
00:00:52,899 --> 00:00:54,958
Turn.
4
00:00:55,135 --> 00:01:00,664
There's another. Circuit board
epsilon 14598, red corridor 357.
5
00:01:00,841 --> 00:01:03,639
- Re-routed.
- Turn.
6
00:01:03,844 --> 00:01:08,577
And another. Circuit board theta 29555,
blue corridor 212.
7
00:01:08,782 --> 00:01:12,183
What's happening, guys?
I thought we were playing poker?
8
00:01:12,386 --> 00:01:15,014
- Didn't you get the message?
- What message?
9
00:01:15,222 --> 00:01:19,488
A skutter went bananas and rewired
the maintenance decks upside down.
10
00:01:19,659 --> 00:01:23,959
We've got over 2,000 wiring faults.
Don't breathe. Don't touch anything.
11
00:01:24,131 --> 00:01:28,397
- The ship's a gigantic booby trap.
- No poker, then?
12
00:01:28,568 --> 00:01:33,369
We can't find the auto-destruct system.
It's wired up to something. Tell the Cat.
13
00:01:33,974 --> 00:01:36,875
It's taken me ages to mark these cards.
14
00:01:37,978 --> 00:01:41,971
- We can't touch anything?
- Not until we get the all-clear.
15
00:01:42,149 --> 00:01:44,982
- How long's that?
- God knows.
16
00:01:45,152 --> 00:01:48,679
Milk shake and a crispy bar.
Poker's gone for a burton.
17
00:01:48,855 --> 00:01:53,815
Auto-destruct sequence initiated.
The ship will detonate in 15 minutes.
18
00:01:54,628 --> 00:01:58,428
14 minutes, 55 seconds and counting.
19
00:01:59,099 --> 00:02:03,035
- That was a very dumb thing to do.
- I wasn't thinking.
20
00:02:03,203 --> 00:02:07,196
Red Dwarf will self-destruct
in 14 minutes and 50 seconds.
21
00:02:07,374 --> 00:02:09,239
Cancel. Clear.
22
00:02:09,409 --> 00:02:13,743
Abandon ship. You have 13 minutes
and 45 seconds to detonation.
23
00:02:13,914 --> 00:02:17,077
- Cancel!
- You have 12 minutes and 45 seconds...
24
00:02:17,250 --> 00:02:19,582
- Cancel!
- You have 10 minutes...
25
00:02:19,753 --> 00:02:22,017
- Cancel!
- You have 9 minutes...
26
00:02:23,156 --> 00:02:25,716
I said touch nothing, didn't I?
27
00:02:25,926 --> 00:02:28,258
I just ordered a shake and a crispy bar.
28
00:02:28,462 --> 00:02:32,899
- Lucky it wasn't a double cheeseburger!
- Eight minutes, 20 seconds and counting.
29
00:02:33,066 --> 00:02:37,469
- How do we switch it off?
- Only the Captain can override it.
30
00:02:37,671 --> 00:02:39,730
- Dead.
- Or a senior officer.
31
00:02:39,940 --> 00:02:41,965
- Dead.
- I suppose, really,
32
00:02:42,142 --> 00:02:44,576
I should have updated the system.
33
00:02:44,744 --> 00:02:48,202
Could we trick it
into thinking one of us is the Captain?
34
00:02:48,415 --> 00:02:51,851
No. It checks his voice and brain scan.
35
00:02:52,052 --> 00:02:56,011
Self-destruct in eight minutes,
10 seconds and counting.
36
00:02:56,189 --> 00:03:00,558
Think of something. You're supposed to
have an IQ of 6,000. Think of something.
37
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:04,196
- I'm thinking.
- Self-destruct in eight minutes.
38
00:03:04,397 --> 00:03:08,026
- Well?
- I've collated every single option,
39
00:03:08,201 --> 00:03:10,260
and there are three realistic alternatives.
40
00:03:10,437 --> 00:03:12,928
One - sit here and get blown up.
41
00:03:13,139 --> 00:03:16,199
Two - stand here and get blown up.
42
00:03:16,409 --> 00:03:20,368
Three - jump up and down,
shout at me, then get blown up.
43
00:03:20,580 --> 00:03:25,142
- There must be something?
- Perhaps we could try a mind-swap?
44
00:03:28,054 --> 00:03:31,046
It's something we tried once on the Nova 5.
45
00:03:31,224 --> 00:03:34,557
It uses exactly the same science
as generating a hologram.
46
00:03:34,728 --> 00:03:38,494
We wipe all your brain patterns
and put them on a storage disk.
47
00:03:38,665 --> 00:03:44,399
Then we transfer the Captain's mind from
his hologram disk into your empty brain.
48
00:03:44,871 --> 00:03:47,066
- You tried this on Nova 5?
- Oh, yes.
49
00:03:47,741 --> 00:03:51,734
- Did it work?
- No, but I'm sure I know what went wrong.
50
00:03:52,546 --> 00:03:54,776
Two minutes to self-destruct and counting.
51
00:03:54,948 --> 00:03:58,782
- So, I'll have the Captain's mind?
- Yes. Then, hopefully,
52
00:03:58,952 --> 00:04:02,945
the machine will think you're the Captain,
and you can override it.
53
00:04:04,024 --> 00:04:07,824
- But where will my mind be?
- On this.
54
00:04:08,028 --> 00:04:10,121
One minute, 50 seconds and counting.
55
00:04:10,530 --> 00:04:13,931
We couldn't find the Captain's disk,
but Brown was executive officer.
56
00:04:14,134 --> 00:04:16,568
Yeah. Brown's got clearance.
57
00:04:18,772 --> 00:04:21,297
- What's that for?
- It's a mental emetic.
58
00:04:21,508 --> 00:04:24,875
- A what?
- A mind enema...
59
00:04:25,045 --> 00:04:29,243
- To flush out your brain.
- Nobody's flushin' out my brain.
60
00:04:29,449 --> 00:04:33,249
- We'll transfer it back.
- You're not sticking that in my head!
61
00:04:33,420 --> 00:04:35,684
One minute and 40 seconds and counting.
62
00:04:35,855 --> 00:04:38,119
- It's our only chance.
- Smeg off!
63
00:04:38,325 --> 00:04:41,294
Look, man, I'm not asking just for me.
64
00:04:41,461 --> 00:04:45,955
I'm asking... I'm beggin' you,
do it for the sake of my suits.
65
00:04:46,132 --> 00:04:48,623
Are you gonna let my scarlet PVC morning suit
66
00:04:48,802 --> 00:04:52,966
with the imitation penguin-fur collars
get blown to smithereens?
67
00:04:53,139 --> 00:04:57,166
- Could you live with yourself?
- One minute, 30 seconds and counting.
68
00:04:57,377 --> 00:05:01,211
Look, I agree, it's a stupid idea.
It almost certainly won't work,
69
00:05:01,381 --> 00:05:04,509
but the very worst that can happen,
the bottom line,
70
00:05:04,684 --> 00:05:08,313
is that you spend the rest of your life
as a gibbering vegetable.
71
00:05:08,488 --> 00:05:12,117
But if the rest of your life
is 30 seconds, what the hell?
72
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,151
Do it.
73
00:05:30,143 --> 00:05:32,134
(RAPID BLEEPING)
74
00:05:34,948 --> 00:05:37,815
Keep that safe. It's Lister's mind.
75
00:05:49,763 --> 00:05:51,754
55 seconds to detonation.
76
00:05:51,931 --> 00:05:55,594
- (WOMAN'S VOICE) What's going on?
- No time to explain,
77
00:05:55,769 --> 00:06:00,763
but the auto-destruct system has started,
and we need you to deactivate it.
78
00:06:00,974 --> 00:06:04,239
Something's wrong. Something's different.
79
00:06:04,411 --> 00:06:07,209
Wait a minute, I never used to be a man!
80
00:06:08,682 --> 00:06:13,210
- Look, we'll explain later.
- Why have I got male sexual organs?
81
00:06:13,420 --> 00:06:16,981
If we don't override the auto-destruct
in the next 20 seconds,
82
00:06:17,157 --> 00:06:20,820
those sexual organs will be in orbit
around the nearest planet,
83
00:06:20,994 --> 00:06:23,827
along with every one else's organs,
sexual or otherwise.
84
00:06:24,531 --> 00:06:28,160
- 15 seconds to detonation.
- Abort sequence X-1-X.
85
00:06:28,334 --> 00:06:30,598
- Identify.
- Carol Brown, Executive Officer,
86
00:06:30,770 --> 00:06:33,671
security clearance 0-1-0-1-0-1.
87
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,831
Pause for verification.
88
00:06:36,109 --> 00:06:38,737
Verification rejected. Abort denied.
89
00:06:38,912 --> 00:06:43,042
Auto-destruct sequence continued.
Detonation in 5 seconds.
90
00:06:43,249 --> 00:06:46,241
- Sen-smegging-sational.
- Well done, fink face.
91
00:06:46,419 --> 00:06:48,410
- Three...
- What a brilliant plan.
92
00:06:48,588 --> 00:06:50,579
- Two...
- Just great.
93
00:06:51,057 --> 00:06:53,617
One. Initiate self-destruct.
94
00:07:00,333 --> 00:07:03,029
Thank you for using
Auto-Serve Dispensing Machines.
95
00:07:03,203 --> 00:07:05,865
- Number one in quality.
- What happened?
96
00:07:06,072 --> 00:07:08,336
It was wired to the warning system,
97
00:07:08,508 --> 00:07:10,806
- but not the bomb.
- So where's the bomb?
98
00:07:10,977 --> 00:07:12,968
We haven't got a bomb.
99
00:07:13,146 --> 00:07:15,478
- What?
- I got rid of it ages ago.
100
00:07:15,682 --> 00:07:18,276
- Why didn't you say?
- You never asked.
101
00:07:19,018 --> 00:07:22,249
Fine. Terrific! But remember this -
102
00:07:22,422 --> 00:07:24,913
you're getting my underwear bill, buddy.
103
00:07:31,765 --> 00:07:35,599
- You awake?
- (NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, can't sleep.
104
00:07:35,802 --> 00:07:39,238
- Probably those kippers.
- Nothin' wrong with kippers.
105
00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:42,931
But kippers vindaloo?
106
00:07:43,109 --> 00:07:47,478
It can't be good for you. A curry
every night cannot be good for you.
107
00:07:47,647 --> 00:07:51,048
It's certainly no good for me.
I'm thinking of getting a canary.
108
00:07:51,918 --> 00:07:55,581
- Why?
- To check if it's safe to come in.
109
00:07:56,122 --> 00:07:58,852
- It's not that bad!
- Not that bad?
110
00:07:59,058 --> 00:08:02,755
You don't sweat sweat, you sweat madras sauce.
111
00:08:02,962 --> 00:08:07,126
- Why the sudden interest in my diet?
- It's not just your diet, Lister.
112
00:08:07,300 --> 00:08:11,100
It's your health in general.
You eat crap, you don't exercise,
113
00:08:11,271 --> 00:08:14,104
you smoke, you drink...
Frankly, it's beginning to show.
114
00:08:14,307 --> 00:08:16,969
- I'm OK.
- You're getting porky.
115
00:08:17,677 --> 00:08:19,144
Porky?
116
00:08:19,312 --> 00:08:23,373
Last week, during that lights failure,
your silhouette was cast onto the wall.
117
00:08:23,550 --> 00:08:28,886
- I thought it was Alfred Hitchcock.
- Are you sayin' I've got a gut?
118
00:08:29,589 --> 00:08:32,285
You've got more gut
than a Turkish butcher's shop.
119
00:08:32,992 --> 00:08:35,085
No, really, have I put on weight?
120
00:08:36,396 --> 00:08:38,796
You've reached that age, Listy.
121
00:08:38,965 --> 00:08:41,525
When you're younger, you can eat
and drink what you like
122
00:08:41,734 --> 00:08:46,000
and still climb into your 26-inch-waist
trousers and zip them closed.
123
00:08:46,172 --> 00:08:51,872
Then you reach that age - 24, 25 -
your muscles give up, wave a white flag,
124
00:08:52,045 --> 00:08:55,503
then without warning,
you're suddenly a fat bastard.
125
00:08:55,715 --> 00:08:58,240
I'm not fat, I'm porky!
126
00:08:58,451 --> 00:09:01,614
Have you never held up a frog by its head?
127
00:09:01,788 --> 00:09:05,554
You know how its belly sticks out
above its spindly little legs?
128
00:09:05,725 --> 00:09:08,922
That's what I see
when you get down from the bunk.
129
00:09:09,128 --> 00:09:14,088
Maybe you're right. Yeah,
I'm gonna start working out in the gym.
130
00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:17,394
Of course, you could always...
131
00:09:17,604 --> 00:09:20,437
- No, you'd never agree to it.
- What?
132
00:09:20,607 --> 00:09:24,543
We do a swap.
My mind in your body, yours in mine.
133
00:09:24,744 --> 00:09:30,182
You saw how easy it was. Lend me
your body for a while, and I'll get it fit.
134
00:09:30,383 --> 00:09:34,479
Plenty of exercise, sensible diet,
no more booze, no more ciggies.
135
00:09:34,687 --> 00:09:37,315
It'll be like a 12,000-mile service
for your body.
136
00:09:37,523 --> 00:09:42,722
- And in the meantime, I'm a hologram?
- It's only for a couple of weeks.
137
00:09:42,896 --> 00:09:46,195
You're talking like it's a pair
of hedge trimmers or somethin'.
138
00:09:46,399 --> 00:09:50,335
I'd return it intact.
More than intact, it'd be fitter.
139
00:09:50,536 --> 00:09:52,663
Rimmer, you're not having my body.
140
00:09:52,839 --> 00:09:56,275
Why are you worried?
How can I treat it any worse?
141
00:09:56,442 --> 00:09:59,605
You admit you don't look after it properly.
142
00:09:59,779 --> 00:10:02,304
I would. What do you say?
143
00:10:06,619 --> 00:10:08,610
(RAPID BLEEPING)
144
00:10:14,928 --> 00:10:16,395
(LISTER) No welchin'.
145
00:10:16,562 --> 00:10:18,655
(RIMMER) Of course not.
146
00:10:23,670 --> 00:10:25,900
(LISTER) A fortnight.
(RIMMER) 14 days.
147
00:10:26,072 --> 00:10:29,530
- Two weeks.
- Absolutely-doodly.
148
00:10:36,449 --> 00:10:38,610
(HUMS MILITARY TUNE)
149
00:10:51,397 --> 00:10:53,388
(UNZIPS)
150
00:11:07,246 --> 00:11:11,876
This hat is smeggin' stupid.
I look like Captain Emerald.
151
00:11:12,051 --> 00:11:14,986
- Holly, do somethin' about it, man.
- OK, Dave.
152
00:11:17,824 --> 00:11:19,815
Brutal.
153
00:11:22,362 --> 00:11:24,796
(RIMMER) What's this under his nails?
154
00:11:24,964 --> 00:11:29,264
Oh, my God!
I'm going to have this dirt carbon dated.
155
00:11:35,775 --> 00:11:37,766
Luncheon, sir.
156
00:11:48,821 --> 00:11:52,518
Ah! Food. Real food.
157
00:11:52,692 --> 00:11:54,717
To eat, perchance to taste.
158
00:11:54,894 --> 00:11:59,831
It's exactly as you ordered, sir.
Lightly poached Mimian bladder fish,
159
00:12:00,033 --> 00:12:03,434
four dozen oysters,
duck's feet in abalone sauce...
160
00:12:03,636 --> 00:12:06,605
I can touch, I can taste, I can smell!
161
00:12:06,806 --> 00:12:10,469
Roast suckling pig stuffed
with chestnuts and truffles.
162
00:12:10,643 --> 00:12:12,634
- Mmm!
- Mashed potato.
163
00:12:14,213 --> 00:12:18,343
- With cream and butter?
- A pint of cream and a pound of butter.
164
00:12:19,452 --> 00:12:21,613
Let the orgy commence!
165
00:12:24,223 --> 00:12:26,453
(GUZZLES AND GRUNTS)
166
00:12:41,174 --> 00:12:43,165
(SLURPS)
167
00:12:44,777 --> 00:12:47,041
How's the diet goin'?
168
00:12:59,625 --> 00:13:03,857
Do you know, I think I went temporarily
insane. It was just too much.
169
00:13:04,030 --> 00:13:09,195
I haven't tasted food in three million
and two years. I was like an animal.
170
00:13:09,402 --> 00:13:12,235
- I want my body back.
- It won't happen again.
171
00:13:12,405 --> 00:13:15,841
- It's out of my system.
- MY system. Why are you smoking?
172
00:13:16,042 --> 00:13:19,205
- One cigar!
- You should be gettin' me fit.
173
00:13:19,378 --> 00:13:21,744
- I'll start tomorrow.
- You better bleedin' had.
174
00:13:26,719 --> 00:13:29,688
Hey! What are you doin' dressed like that?
175
00:13:29,856 --> 00:13:33,417
Why do you want to look
like Goalpost-Head? Have you flipped?
176
00:13:33,593 --> 00:13:38,963
You want to look like a man with ears
so large that they pick up satellite TV?
177
00:13:39,132 --> 00:13:42,260
Why do you want to look
like that smeg-head Rimmer?
178
00:13:42,435 --> 00:13:44,562
- Because...
- (SCREECHES)
179
00:13:44,737 --> 00:13:47,467
I am that smeg-head Rimmer.
180
00:13:50,443 --> 00:13:52,434
(LECHEROUS GROANING)
181
00:13:56,249 --> 00:13:59,241
Please! These are supposed to be women?
182
00:14:01,921 --> 00:14:03,980
Ah, this is what I call training.
183
00:14:06,592 --> 00:14:09,618
That letter, that letter, that letter. There.
184
00:14:10,496 --> 00:14:14,193
Hey, hey, hey! I've got you now, buddy!
185
00:14:14,367 --> 00:14:17,029
J-O-Z-X-Y-Q-K.
186
00:14:17,236 --> 00:14:19,295
- That's not a word.
- It's a cat word.
187
00:14:19,839 --> 00:14:22,831
- Jozxyqk?
- That's not how you pronounce it.
188
00:14:23,042 --> 00:14:25,033
- What's it mean?
- It's the sound you make
189
00:14:25,211 --> 00:14:29,545
when you trap your sexual organs
in something - "Jozxyqk!!"
190
00:14:30,449 --> 00:14:33,043
- Is it in the dictionary?
- It could be.
191
00:14:33,219 --> 00:14:38,020
If you were reading in the nude
and closed the book too quick..."Jozxyqk!!"
192
00:14:38,191 --> 00:14:43,254
Ah! What a session! What a work out!
No pain, no gain, Listy.
193
00:14:43,462 --> 00:14:47,592
- On the scales. I'm weighing you.
- No need. See that stomach.
194
00:14:47,767 --> 00:14:50,065
Hasn't been that flat in years.
195
00:14:50,269 --> 00:14:52,635
- Scales, please.
- There's really no need.
196
00:14:52,838 --> 00:14:55,033
On the scales!
197
00:15:01,581 --> 00:15:04,846
- You've put on two stone!
- Of course I have.
198
00:15:05,017 --> 00:15:07,577
I've been taking yeast extract,
building up your body.
199
00:15:07,787 --> 00:15:09,482
- Take the robe off.
- Why?
200
00:15:09,689 --> 00:15:12,988
- Take it off.
- You're not seeing my naked body.
201
00:15:13,159 --> 00:15:15,593
- It's mine!
- What's he hiding?
202
00:15:15,761 --> 00:15:17,729
- Off with the robe.
- Just...
203
00:15:17,897 --> 00:15:19,694
Off!
204
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:30,471
Oh, this? This is a hernia-prevention belt.
205
00:15:30,643 --> 00:15:33,043
- I forgot to take it off.
- It's a girdle.
206
00:15:33,212 --> 00:15:37,546
- 'Course it isn't.
- It's got dangly things for stockings.
207
00:15:37,750 --> 00:15:42,813
They're for attaching extra weights to,
so you can get fit as you walk around.
208
00:15:44,190 --> 00:15:46,181
I want me body back now.
209
00:15:47,059 --> 00:15:51,621
Look, OK. I went a bit bananas at first,
but that's all over now.
210
00:15:52,131 --> 00:15:54,463
It's in my interest to get you into shape.
211
00:15:54,667 --> 00:15:59,161
This could be a regular thing.
14 days a year, I have your body.
212
00:15:59,338 --> 00:16:02,933
In fact, next year,
I'd like the last two weeks of July.
213
00:16:03,142 --> 00:16:05,906
- I want it back.
- One last chance?
214
00:16:06,112 --> 00:16:09,013
- No more troughin'.
- I promise.
215
00:16:09,215 --> 00:16:13,083
And take that girdle off. It doesn't suit me.
216
00:16:26,632 --> 00:16:29,362
(MOANING AND SLURPING)
217
00:16:37,343 --> 00:16:39,334
Holly, lights!
218
00:16:41,814 --> 00:16:44,248
That's it! I'm completely sick of it.
219
00:16:44,417 --> 00:16:47,818
- (MOUTH FULL) Mmmph? Mmmm?
- That is IT!
220
00:16:48,954 --> 00:16:51,354
- What is it?
- You've been porkin' again.
221
00:16:51,524 --> 00:16:54,516
- I have not!
- I want my body back now.
222
00:16:54,727 --> 00:16:59,528
- I've only had it a week!
- This wasn't the deal. You've welched.
223
00:17:00,833 --> 00:17:04,599
And what's this in the bin?
Me locks are in the bin!
224
00:17:04,770 --> 00:17:09,332
- You said you pinned 'em up?
- I did but they... fell off.
225
00:17:09,542 --> 00:17:11,976
Fell off? Science lab, now!
226
00:17:12,345 --> 00:17:15,143
It's the middle of the night. Kryten's on down time.
227
00:17:16,382 --> 00:17:18,373
Now.
228
00:17:21,620 --> 00:17:23,713
(RAPID BLEEPING)
229
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:38,800
How much did you smoke? Me lungs feel
like they've been through a cheese grater!
230
00:17:38,971 --> 00:17:43,374
- You got your body back. Leave me alone.
- Oh! (COUGHS)
231
00:17:43,542 --> 00:17:45,533
I only have a few rollies.
232
00:17:45,711 --> 00:17:48,976
It feels like you've smoked
an entire Cuban tobacco harvest.
233
00:17:49,148 --> 00:17:52,606
- I had the odd one.
- No respect, that's what.
234
00:17:52,785 --> 00:17:55,049
You've shown my body no respect whatsoever.
235
00:17:55,221 --> 00:17:57,781
You've treated it like smeg.
236
00:17:58,357 --> 00:18:01,224
Look... You've given me breasts.
237
00:18:01,394 --> 00:18:04,295
There's a distinct cleavage there.
238
00:18:04,463 --> 00:18:08,263
One week in my body
and you've given me a bosom.
239
00:18:12,538 --> 00:18:15,974
These scales are wrong.
These scales have to be wrong.
240
00:18:16,142 --> 00:18:18,133
It's average for your height.
241
00:18:18,310 --> 00:18:23,373
Rimmer, it would be average for my height
if I happened to be a pregnant hippo.
242
00:18:23,549 --> 00:18:27,576
You weren't exactly Charles Atlas
to start with, were you?
243
00:18:27,753 --> 00:18:30,347
You haven't been treating my athlete's foot.
244
00:18:30,556 --> 00:18:32,615
Frankly, I was afraid of touching it.
245
00:18:32,825 --> 00:18:37,819
I told you, you have to wash and powder
my feet three times a day,
246
00:18:37,997 --> 00:18:39,988
and buff with a pumice stone.
247
00:18:40,199 --> 00:18:43,760
I couldn't touch those things three times a day.
248
00:18:43,936 --> 00:18:46,928
I was only brave enough
to remove your socks once.
249
00:18:47,139 --> 00:18:49,471
Look at my stomach. Look at it!
250
00:18:49,642 --> 00:18:52,907
Paint "Goodyear" on it,
you could float me over the Super Bowl.
251
00:18:53,112 --> 00:18:55,945
Look, I refuse to take the rap for that body.
252
00:18:56,115 --> 00:18:59,084
I added a few pounds to its already ample frame,
253
00:18:59,251 --> 00:19:02,311
but it was a wreck before I got anywhere near it.
254
00:19:02,521 --> 00:19:03,886
A wreck?
255
00:19:04,056 --> 00:19:08,083
If it was a car you would be
an insurance write-off. Nothing works.
256
00:19:08,260 --> 00:19:10,387
Your taste buds are clapped out.
257
00:19:10,563 --> 00:19:14,294
You've killed them stone dead
with 25 years of non-stop curries.
258
00:19:14,934 --> 00:19:19,928
All the aches and pains you never mention?
Twinges in your back, crimps in your neck.
259
00:19:20,105 --> 00:19:24,269
Oh, and a little tip - urine should
only be green if you're Mr Spock.
260
00:19:25,377 --> 00:19:28,210
It's the last time you borrow it,
that's for goddamn sure.
261
00:19:29,014 --> 00:19:32,745
What about next year?
We agreed. Last two weeks in July.
262
00:19:32,918 --> 00:19:35,546
Why do you want it? It's a wreck.
263
00:19:35,721 --> 00:19:39,054
Unfortunately, if you can't get
two weeks in the Caribbean,
264
00:19:39,225 --> 00:19:41,318
Grimsby's better than nothing.
265
00:19:41,494 --> 00:19:44,861
- You can't back out.
- I only said that to get it back.
266
00:19:45,030 --> 00:19:49,899
Do you think I'm mad? You are never
borrowing my body again. Never.
267
00:19:50,102 --> 00:19:53,799
Get some sleep.
You'll feel different in the morning.
268
00:19:55,241 --> 00:19:57,471
I'm really not sure about this.
269
00:19:57,643 --> 00:20:00,271
You're programmed to obey. Get on with it.
270
00:20:00,446 --> 00:20:03,540
- Surely, we should ask him first?
- I told you,
271
00:20:03,716 --> 00:20:05,877
he's perfectly happy about the situation.
272
00:20:06,051 --> 00:20:09,543
Then, why did we chloroform him?
And why did he struggle?
273
00:20:09,722 --> 00:20:12,452
I'm in charge, Kryten. I'll take full responsibility.
274
00:20:12,625 --> 00:20:15,355
- But, sir...
- Science lab, pronto!
275
00:20:15,528 --> 00:20:18,224
If he comes around, give him another whack.
276
00:20:18,797 --> 00:20:20,788
(RAPID BLEEPING)
277
00:20:34,079 --> 00:20:36,775
(LISTER'S VOICE) Are you awake, man?
278
00:20:37,583 --> 00:20:39,175
Rimmer?
279
00:20:41,253 --> 00:20:45,883
No, please. No! Play message.
280
00:20:46,559 --> 00:20:52,930
(RIMMER'S VOICE) Hil It's me. I told you
you'd feel different in the morning.
281
00:20:53,098 --> 00:20:55,931
Thing is,
this week has been absolute heaven.
282
00:20:56,101 --> 00:20:58,797
I couldn't just let you have your body back.
283
00:20:58,971 --> 00:21:01,599
That's why I've taken Starbug and done a runner.
284
00:21:01,774 --> 00:21:05,574
Don't worry, in a month, I'll return it.
Maybe six weeks,
285
00:21:05,744 --> 00:21:10,579
but don't try and follow me,
otherwise... the body gets it.
286
00:21:12,351 --> 00:21:14,376
Cat. Cat!
287
00:21:19,224 --> 00:21:21,215
(CAT) You want my what?!
288
00:21:21,393 --> 00:21:25,090
- (LISTER) It'll only take a few hours.
- You want my body?
289
00:21:25,264 --> 00:21:27,824
I need your body to get mine back.
290
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:33,961
You've already lost one body. Come on!
You really expect me to lend you mine?
291
00:21:34,139 --> 00:21:39,270
I'm a hologram. How else am I supposed
to chase him? I need your body.
292
00:21:39,445 --> 00:21:45,213
One question. Would you let a garbage
truck driver use your Rolls-Royce?
293
00:21:45,384 --> 00:21:47,978
How else can I pilot White Midget?
294
00:21:48,153 --> 00:21:50,144
I'll do it.
295
00:22:05,371 --> 00:22:09,239
(MARCHING MUSIC)
296
00:22:27,593 --> 00:22:31,586
Rimmerl It's no use runnin'.
We've got you in visual range.
297
00:22:31,764 --> 00:22:36,360
- Turn around and head back to the ship.
- I told you not to follow me.
298
00:22:40,205 --> 00:22:43,231
Leave me alone or you-know-what happens.
299
00:22:43,409 --> 00:22:46,207
- He's bluffing.
- I'm not bluffing.
300
00:22:46,412 --> 00:22:51,076
I think he means it, man. He's flipped.
It must be cream cake poisoning.
301
00:22:51,250 --> 00:22:53,946
- I'm going in.
- He must be bluffing.
302
00:22:54,153 --> 00:22:57,088
- Say he isn't?
- It's gastronomic terrorism!
303
00:22:57,256 --> 00:23:00,987
- We can't just let it happen.
- Go ahead, punks. Make my day.
304
00:23:01,627 --> 00:23:03,959
- You're right. He's bluffin'.
- Smegl
305
00:23:04,163 --> 00:23:06,290
Get him!
306
00:23:22,948 --> 00:23:25,542
This is getting stupid. Back off, let him go.
307
00:23:25,751 --> 00:23:30,654
- We're almost on him.
- (LISTER) It's too dangerous. Let him go.
308
00:23:31,356 --> 00:23:34,450
(LAUGHS) Chickens!
309
00:23:48,140 --> 00:23:49,630
Oh, smeg!
310
00:23:49,808 --> 00:23:53,835
What the smeggin' smeg's
he smeggin' done? He's smeggin' killed me!
311
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,451
- Whoops!
- Are you all right?
312
00:24:10,662 --> 00:24:13,495
- You're going to go spare.
- What is it?
313
00:24:13,699 --> 00:24:16,327
You're going to go absolutely spare.
314
00:24:17,603 --> 00:24:21,630
- You've lost me arm!
- I've lost your watch, too.
315
00:24:22,908 --> 00:24:26,002
- You bastard!
- No, you're right. It's my fault.
316
00:24:26,211 --> 00:24:29,112
My hands are up... Well, my hand is up!
317
00:24:31,150 --> 00:24:33,141
You think this is funny?
318
00:24:33,318 --> 00:24:35,343
No. But this is!
319
00:24:52,237 --> 00:24:54,535
Oh, hello. It's Captain Chloroform.
320
00:24:55,407 --> 00:24:57,500
Please, Mr David, sir.
321
00:24:57,676 --> 00:25:02,272
My guilt chip is already in overdrive.
I feel terrible!
322
00:25:03,081 --> 00:25:05,572
You feel terrible? What about my head?
323
00:25:05,784 --> 00:25:12,690
I had to obey him. It's in my programming
to obey all humans, no matter how insane.
324
00:25:14,226 --> 00:25:16,319
Dinner is served, sir.
325
00:25:17,696 --> 00:25:21,530
Lettuce and a grated carrot.
I'm on this for six months.
326
00:25:24,736 --> 00:25:27,364
What's wrong?
You look like you've seen a ghost.
327
00:25:27,573 --> 00:25:30,007
(CAT'S VOICE) I was asleep, OK?
328
00:25:30,175 --> 00:25:34,805
Then Plastic Percy puts a sponge
on my face and out go the lights.
329
00:25:35,948 --> 00:25:37,779
It was an order!
330
00:25:39,551 --> 00:25:42,213
(RIMMER'S VOICE) Just one night, I promise.
331
00:25:42,387 --> 00:25:47,017
I'll give it back first thing tomorrow.
Maybe Thursday.
332
00:25:49,261 --> 00:25:52,253
(SONG) It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere
333
00:25:52,431 --> 00:25:55,764
I'm all alone, more or less
334
00:25:55,934 --> 00:25:59,097
Let me fly far away from here
335
00:25:59,271 --> 00:26:01,899
Fun, fun, fun
336
00:26:02,074 --> 00:26:05,601
In the sun, sun, sun
337
00:26:05,777 --> 00:26:09,144
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
338
00:26:09,314 --> 00:26:12,408
Drinking fresh mango juice
339
00:26:12,584 --> 00:26:15,917
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
340
00:26:16,088 --> 00:26:18,613
Fun, fun, fun
341
00:26:18,790 --> 00:26:22,521
In the sun, sun, sun
342
00:26:22,694 --> 00:26:25,356
Fun, fun, fun
343
00:26:25,530 --> 00:26:29,762
In the sun, sun, sun