1 00:00:53,657 --> 00:00:55,329 OK, OK... 2 00:00:55,537 --> 00:00:58,893 Uphill, slight burrow to the left. 3 00:01:00,537 --> 00:01:04,166 Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Ow! 4 00:01:11,577 --> 00:01:18,176 Hey! Four up with six to play! This guy is hot, hot, hot, hot! 5 00:01:18,176 --> 00:01:20,692 OK, hole 13. 6 00:01:20,692 --> 00:01:23,166 What am I doing? What am I doing?! 7 00:01:23,377 --> 00:01:27,848 You're not following through. Keep your head down and follow through! 8 00:01:28,057 --> 00:01:30,855 - Why am I playing this? - Because it's Sunday. 9 00:01:31,057 --> 00:01:34,015 Time to relax. Time to chill. Lighten up! 10 00:01:34,217 --> 00:01:36,526 I can't lighten up. I hate my life! 11 00:01:36,526 --> 00:01:40,849 We spend every day devising more ingenious ways of wasting time. 12 00:01:40,849 --> 00:01:45,852 I'm sick of it. I'm sick of table golf. I'm sick of tiddlywinks show jumping. 13 00:01:46,417 --> 00:01:51,650 I'm sick of stretching a pair of tights across the room to play Durex volleyball. 14 00:01:51,857 --> 00:01:55,691 If you like, we'll kick the golf in the head, OK? 15 00:01:56,257 --> 00:01:58,452 How about a game of Junior Angler? 16 00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:02,849 All the thrills of freshwater fly-fishing from the comfort of your living room. 17 00:02:02,849 --> 00:02:03,599 No. 18 00:02:04,577 --> 00:02:09,128 Got it. Unicycle Polo. We could have a quick chukka on floor 14. 19 00:02:09,337 --> 00:02:12,773 It's smeggin' stupid. Two grown men on unicycles, 20 00:02:12,773 --> 00:02:16,771 belting a beach ball up and down a corridor with French loaves?! 21 00:02:16,771 --> 00:02:20,054 It's pathetic. It's idiotic. It's... It's... It's puerile. 22 00:02:20,257 --> 00:02:23,215 - Well, you invented it. - I want a life. 23 00:02:23,215 --> 00:02:28,007 This is worse than prison. In prison, you can look forward to getting out. 24 00:02:28,007 --> 00:02:33,297 I want to live. I want to meet people. I want to meet girls. I want to make love. 25 00:02:33,297 --> 00:02:38,048 Well, Junior Angler is the best you're gonna get out of me, buddy! 26 00:02:39,217 --> 00:02:42,209 Just get out of my face. 27 00:02:43,177 --> 00:02:44,017 OK. OK. 28 00:02:46,137 --> 00:02:51,450 But don't ask me when you want someone to play soapsud slalom down the cargo ramp. 29 00:02:51,450 --> 00:02:54,256 You can carry your own damn flags. 30 00:03:57,577 --> 00:04:00,694 Lovely service, Lister. You should have come. Most uplifting. 31 00:04:02,657 --> 00:04:06,650 What's wrong with you? Ah! It's November. 32 00:04:06,650 --> 00:04:09,285 Nearly time for your bath. 33 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:13,614 Please, just spare me the good mood, OK? 34 00:04:13,817 --> 00:04:16,809 - What happened? - I'm sick of it, that's what. 35 00:04:16,809 --> 00:04:19,047 I'm just totally, totally sick of it. 36 00:04:19,257 --> 00:04:22,488 - Sick of what? - Sick of you and your green suits. 37 00:04:22,488 --> 00:04:25,091 Sick of your stupid flared nostrils. 38 00:04:25,091 --> 00:04:28,249 Sick of how you smile when you're being insulted. 39 00:04:28,249 --> 00:04:30,692 I'm sick of the Cat, sick of Holly, 40 00:04:30,692 --> 00:04:33,815 sick of you, sick of me, and as for Kryten... 41 00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:39,654 I'm sick of him. I'm sick of this ship, sick of this life. I'm just sick of it. 42 00:04:45,297 --> 00:04:47,606 You're unhappy, aren't you? 43 00:04:47,606 --> 00:04:51,213 Joining the Space Corps, that's when it all went wrong. 44 00:04:51,213 --> 00:04:55,006 If I hadn't, things could have worked out for me. 45 00:04:55,006 --> 00:04:57,168 That's a tension sheet, isn't it? 46 00:04:57,377 --> 00:05:00,096 I went to school with the guy who invented those. 47 00:05:00,096 --> 00:05:04,489 Things certainly worked out for him, all right. A millionaire at 26. 48 00:05:04,489 --> 00:05:07,125 Fred Holden. He was in our dorm. 49 00:05:07,377 --> 00:05:10,369 God, he was thick. "Thickie" Holden, we called him. 50 00:05:10,369 --> 00:05:14,576 "Hello, Thickie. How's your acne?" He always came bottom in geography. 51 00:05:14,576 --> 00:05:17,809 He thought a glacier was a bloke who fixed windows. 52 00:05:18,017 --> 00:05:20,850 He did invent the tension sheet. 53 00:05:21,057 --> 00:05:25,926 It's just the stuff they used for packing. All he did was paint it red. 54 00:05:26,137 --> 00:05:29,209 And you know who he married? Sabrina Mulholland-JJones. 55 00:05:29,417 --> 00:05:31,772 - The model? - How can that be? 56 00:05:31,772 --> 00:05:35,327 The most desirable woman in the world and Thickie Holden, 57 00:05:35,327 --> 00:05:40,287 a spotty gimp who'd blow off the bedcovers whenever we had cauliflower cheese. 58 00:05:40,497 --> 00:05:43,773 - He had a break. He got lucky. - I suppose so. 59 00:05:43,773 --> 00:05:47,646 - Did you know anyone famous? - Charles Keenan. He was famous. 60 00:05:47,857 --> 00:05:50,894 - What did he do? - Ate his wife. 61 00:05:51,097 --> 00:05:55,056 Sorry to interrupt, but I think you should come to the photo lab. 62 00:05:55,056 --> 00:05:57,777 Something quite strange is happening. 63 00:06:01,857 --> 00:06:05,850 - These are ordinary photographs? - What did you do? 64 00:06:06,057 --> 00:06:08,969 I just developed the film, and they came to life. 65 00:06:09,177 --> 00:06:11,850 It's the developing fluid. It must have mutated. 66 00:06:12,057 --> 00:06:16,448 At first, I thought it was just my film, but it works on any negative. 67 00:06:16,448 --> 00:06:18,653 There's others I've developed as slides. 68 00:06:18,857 --> 00:06:21,451 - Go for it. - Lights! 69 00:06:22,577 --> 00:06:25,045 That's Frank! It's my brother's wedding! 70 00:06:33,097 --> 00:06:37,852 - Yo! I'm in the photograph! - Excuse me. Stand aside, please. 71 00:06:37,852 --> 00:06:41,487 - I'm actually IN the photograph! - You're blocking the shot. 72 00:06:41,487 --> 00:06:44,012 I'm actually at a smeggin' wedding! 73 00:06:44,012 --> 00:06:47,772 - Are you trying to make trouble? - Wow! I'm back on Earth! 74 00:06:47,977 --> 00:06:51,208 - I'm in a photograph! - Look, will you clear off? 75 00:06:51,208 --> 00:06:54,335 - Look! He can touch me! - Hop it. 76 00:06:54,335 --> 00:06:56,931 He can punch me! This is brilliant! 77 00:06:56,931 --> 00:07:02,330 He's punching me again. Fantastic. All right! All right! OK. I'm going. 78 00:07:04,897 --> 00:07:06,888 I can't walk out of the edge. 79 00:07:10,497 --> 00:07:12,488 In-smeggin'... 80 00:07:12,488 --> 00:07:15,171 - ..credible. - Try another one. 81 00:07:16,497 --> 00:07:18,965 - What's this? - It's one of Lister's. 82 00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:22,052 I don't recognise this. 83 00:07:24,417 --> 00:07:26,772 - Who are they? - I don't know. 84 00:07:26,772 --> 00:07:31,135 Oh, I remember. I sent away some snaps of me 18th birthday 85 00:07:31,135 --> 00:07:33,572 and got someone's skiing holiday back. 86 00:07:33,777 --> 00:07:37,611 - It's amazing. We're really here. - I know. Check this. 87 00:07:44,617 --> 00:07:48,815 It even works in black and white. I tried a really old one, too. 88 00:07:51,817 --> 00:07:55,810 That's Adolf Hitler, leader of the runners-up in World War II. 89 00:07:56,177 --> 00:08:00,455 I copied it from one of your magazines - "Fascist Dictator Monthly". 90 00:08:00,455 --> 00:08:03,256 He was Mr October. 91 00:08:05,897 --> 00:08:11,415 Ignore him. He's a complete and total nutter. And he's only got one testicle. 92 00:08:14,777 --> 00:08:17,291 What's he doing?! He's scuffling with Adolf Hitler! 93 00:08:18,417 --> 00:08:22,888 You can't just stick one on the leader of the Third Reich. 94 00:08:22,888 --> 00:08:25,446 I nicked his briefcase! 95 00:08:32,457 --> 00:08:34,573 Banana and crisps? 96 00:08:35,977 --> 00:08:37,968 - His diary! - Allow me. 97 00:08:37,968 --> 00:08:41,015 I'll switch to translation mode. 98 00:08:41,015 --> 00:08:46,126 "Things to remember - stop milk, pay papers, invade Czechoslovakia." 99 00:08:46,337 --> 00:08:50,774 A present here. "To Adolf. Love, Staff Colonel Count von Stauffenberg." 100 00:08:50,977 --> 00:08:56,005 That rings a bell. Von Stauffenberg... He's famous for something. 101 00:08:56,005 --> 00:08:59,408 Wait a minute, he tried to assassinate Hitler 102 00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:02,011 by putting a bomb in his briefcase. 103 00:09:02,011 --> 00:09:04,213 How could I forget that? 104 00:09:17,777 --> 00:09:20,769 Yes! We've got ourselves a smeggin' time machine. 105 00:09:20,977 --> 00:09:25,175 - So we can go absolutely anywhere? - Providing we have a photograph. 106 00:09:25,175 --> 00:09:29,649 So if I had a photograph of a female-only naturist beach in Acapulco, 107 00:09:29,649 --> 00:09:34,447 full of bronzed, naked teenage temptresses, we could go for a holiday? 108 00:09:34,447 --> 00:09:37,085 - I suppose. - Kryten, get my photo album. 109 00:09:37,737 --> 00:09:42,128 Hang on. We can't move outside the confines of the photograph. 110 00:09:42,128 --> 00:09:44,492 - What we see is all we get. - Meaning? 111 00:09:44,697 --> 00:09:49,168 We can't just get a picture of Earth. We'd stay inside the photograph. 112 00:09:49,377 --> 00:09:53,689 This beach shot in Acapulco, you wouldn't want to leave the photograph. 113 00:09:53,897 --> 00:09:56,889 - So it's useless, then? - No, not entirely. 114 00:09:56,889 --> 00:09:59,935 Think of the famous places we could go. 115 00:10:00,137 --> 00:10:03,288 We could go to Dallas in November 1963, 116 00:10:03,288 --> 00:10:05,846 stand on the grassy knoll and shout, "Duck!" 117 00:10:09,857 --> 00:10:14,089 I'm sorry, I must have bypassed my good-taste chip. 118 00:10:14,697 --> 00:10:17,336 The possibilities are enormous, mind-numbing. 119 00:10:17,336 --> 00:10:20,216 We could go back and avert major disasters. 120 00:10:20,417 --> 00:10:24,012 Like persuade Dustin Hoffman not to make "Ishtar"? 121 00:10:24,217 --> 00:10:29,166 What about determinism? Causality? You can't just mess about with history. 122 00:10:29,377 --> 00:10:33,893 - We'll just do something small. - No such thing when you change time. 123 00:10:34,097 --> 00:10:38,807 - Only so we don't get marooned in space. - Such as? 124 00:10:39,537 --> 00:10:43,769 If I fix it so I don't sign up with Red Dwarf, 125 00:10:43,769 --> 00:10:47,009 I can create an alternate existence on Earth. 126 00:10:47,009 --> 00:10:50,453 I won't be stuck here for three million years. 127 00:10:50,657 --> 00:10:53,171 - How can you do that? - With this... 128 00:10:54,457 --> 00:10:56,254 and this. 129 00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:02,090 It's ready. 130 00:11:20,057 --> 00:11:22,412 What is this? Who is that jerk? 131 00:11:22,412 --> 00:11:24,568 - It's me. - You?! 132 00:11:24,568 --> 00:11:28,013 Aged 17. That's me first band, Smeg and the Heads. 133 00:11:28,013 --> 00:11:32,090 - What are you wearing? - It was all the rage. "Sham glam". 134 00:11:32,090 --> 00:11:35,135 Look at that collar! You could go hang-gliding. 135 00:11:35,135 --> 00:11:39,131 I used to think it was so cool. Come on. 136 00:11:46,097 --> 00:11:49,533 This is one of the first songs I ever wrote. 137 00:11:50,417 --> 00:11:52,647 It was called "Om". 138 00:11:55,937 --> 00:11:59,407 Nothing like a good old-fashioned love song, eh? 139 00:11:59,617 --> 00:12:04,407 I genuinely thought we were gonna be massive. God, I was stupid. 140 00:12:04,617 --> 00:12:08,895 - Who are the other two? - The hippy drummer's called Dobbin. 141 00:12:09,497 --> 00:12:13,888 He joined the police. Became a grand wizard in the Freemasons. 142 00:12:14,097 --> 00:12:18,295 The bassist's called Gazza. He was a neo-Marxist nihilistic anarchist. 143 00:12:18,497 --> 00:12:22,376 He joined a large insurance company and got a parking space. 144 00:12:25,897 --> 00:12:27,649 Wooh! Yeah! 145 00:12:27,649 --> 00:12:30,456 Rock and roll! Thank you very much. 146 00:12:30,456 --> 00:12:34,087 For those who are interested, there are official T-shirts 147 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:37,772 and signed Polaroids on sale in the back of Dobbin's car. 148 00:12:37,772 --> 00:12:41,930 It's the orange Ford with the bald tyres and no windscreen. 149 00:12:41,930 --> 00:12:44,975 We'll be back in 20 minutes, so from me, Smeg, 150 00:12:44,975 --> 00:12:48,925 and from Dobbin and Gazza, the Heads, I'll see you later. 151 00:12:49,137 --> 00:12:51,697 I'll catch you guys later. 152 00:12:51,697 --> 00:12:54,530 - What is this place? - It's a pub. 153 00:12:54,737 --> 00:12:56,807 "Pub". Ah, yes. A meeting place 154 00:12:56,807 --> 00:13:00,970 where people attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetence 155 00:13:00,970 --> 00:13:04,368 by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks. 156 00:13:04,577 --> 00:13:09,048 Guys, guys. I'd like you to meet me, aged 17. 157 00:13:09,048 --> 00:13:14,245 Sha-dy! This is totally shady. It's beyond shady, it's surreal. 158 00:13:14,245 --> 00:13:18,854 - These your mates, then? - Yeah. That's Cat, Kryten, and...Rimmer. 159 00:13:18,854 --> 00:13:21,656 Brilliant tattoo! What's it stand for? Heavy metal? 160 00:13:21,656 --> 00:13:24,889 - Yes, indeed. - And what's happened to his face?! 161 00:13:24,889 --> 00:13:28,288 It's grotesque, isn't it? Has he had an accident? 162 00:13:28,288 --> 00:13:32,928 He looks like he had his head jammed in a lift. It's totally shady! 163 00:13:33,137 --> 00:13:35,253 Just sit down and shut up. 164 00:13:35,253 --> 00:13:38,807 - So, what do you want? - I've come to change our future. 165 00:13:38,807 --> 00:13:43,175 Aren't you happy being a rock star? Those groupies getting you down? 166 00:13:43,377 --> 00:13:47,416 - We don't make it as a rock star. - That's impossible. It cannot be. 167 00:13:47,617 --> 00:13:52,407 How can I put this? You don't make it 'cause...you're crap. 168 00:13:53,897 --> 00:13:57,412 How would you know, grandad? You're too old for what we transmit. 169 00:13:57,412 --> 00:14:01,013 - I'm you, you dork! - Too old and too crypto-fascist. 170 00:14:01,013 --> 00:14:04,089 Will you shut up? I'm trying to make you rich. 171 00:14:04,089 --> 00:14:08,535 Just go down to the patent office and register this as your invention. 172 00:14:08,535 --> 00:14:11,769 - It's called a tension sheet. - Uh-uh. That's immoral. 173 00:14:11,769 --> 00:14:14,656 - That's Thickie Holden's invention. - Uh-uh. Was. 174 00:14:14,857 --> 00:14:18,406 This is just packing stuff, painted red with writing on it. 175 00:14:18,406 --> 00:14:21,569 - I know. - It's crypto-fascist bourgeois crap. 176 00:14:21,777 --> 00:14:24,655 It'll make you a multi-multi-multi-millionaire. 177 00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:27,456 But I'm not into dosh. I loathe possessions. 178 00:14:27,657 --> 00:14:30,490 It's just so...so crypto-fascist. 179 00:14:30,490 --> 00:14:35,253 Stop saying everything's crypto-fascist! You make me sound like a complete git! 180 00:14:36,777 --> 00:14:39,655 I'm not breaking up the band. Music is me life. 181 00:14:39,857 --> 00:14:44,692 He's right. He can't give up his music. You heard "Om". It's a masterpiece! 182 00:14:46,057 --> 00:14:49,652 - See? - Back off. I'm giving you a break. 183 00:14:49,857 --> 00:14:52,325 Oh, give up. The guy's an idiot. 184 00:14:52,537 --> 00:14:55,256 - He's me! - Exactly. 185 00:14:57,097 --> 00:15:00,453 I don't want a break. I'll take me own chances. 186 00:15:00,657 --> 00:15:05,651 If you do, you'll be stuck on a spaceship with them for the rest of eternity. 187 00:15:05,651 --> 00:15:10,413 You won't have a future. You think about it. C'mon. 188 00:15:12,017 --> 00:15:15,168 You haven't got a copy of "Om", have you? 189 00:15:15,168 --> 00:15:17,453 - They're in the car. - What a pity. 190 00:15:17,657 --> 00:15:21,047 I just can't get it out of my head. Om... 191 00:15:21,047 --> 00:15:23,208 Keep writing those hits, kid. 192 00:15:27,217 --> 00:15:29,412 What a nice guy! 193 00:15:33,497 --> 00:15:35,533 What now? 194 00:15:35,737 --> 00:15:40,413 Once the timelines sort themselves out, we'll see if it's worked. 195 00:15:40,617 --> 00:15:42,812 It's happening! I'm disappearing! 196 00:15:49,337 --> 00:15:52,090 - What happened? - Lister altered the timelines 197 00:15:52,090 --> 00:15:54,612 and lived an entirely different life. 198 00:15:54,612 --> 00:15:58,292 He didn't join Red Dwarf, so the Cat race never existed 199 00:15:58,292 --> 00:16:02,245 and we never rescued Kryten, so they've disappeared, too. 200 00:16:02,245 --> 00:16:05,090 - So it's just you and me? - For eternity. 201 00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:08,687 No, thanks! Find him and bring him back. 202 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,968 - Anything? - Got him. 203 00:16:19,968 --> 00:16:24,528 - And? - Tension sheet. Inventor, D Lister, 17. 204 00:16:24,737 --> 00:16:29,253 - Damn! - He died in a plane crash, aged 98. 205 00:16:29,457 --> 00:16:31,493 - 98?! - His own fault, apparently. 206 00:16:31,493 --> 00:16:35,650 He was making love to his 14th wife and lost control of the plane. 207 00:16:37,017 --> 00:16:40,566 - Have you got any photographs? - Not of that, no. 208 00:16:41,777 --> 00:16:44,371 No, so I can bring him back. 209 00:16:44,577 --> 00:16:47,410 There's one picture reference, but you won't like it. 210 00:16:51,697 --> 00:16:53,972 - Heeeeeere's Blaize - Hello. 211 00:16:54,417 --> 00:16:58,012 Welcome to "Lifestyles of the Disgustingly Rich and Famous." 212 00:16:58,012 --> 00:17:02,693 Tonight, we look at the world's youngest billionaire, Dave "Tension Sheet" Lister. 213 00:17:02,693 --> 00:17:05,530 Behind me, Mr Lister's English mansion. 214 00:17:05,530 --> 00:17:08,336 He had the whole building transported brick by brick 215 00:17:08,336 --> 00:17:12,206 from down the road, just to get away from the neighbours. 216 00:17:12,206 --> 00:17:16,086 Now that's the kind of cash that opens anybody's legs. 217 00:17:16,086 --> 00:17:19,090 The gravel in his drive came from Buckingham Palace. 218 00:17:19,090 --> 00:17:23,170 Dave bought Buck Palace and had it ground down just to line his drive. 219 00:17:23,170 --> 00:17:29,048 This man has a wad so thick, you could use it to beat whales to death. 220 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:33,005 He calls his home "Xanadu", not in reference to "Citizen Kane", 221 00:17:33,005 --> 00:17:38,297 but as tribute to the hit single by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich. 222 00:17:38,297 --> 00:17:41,017 But Dave has musical aspirations of his own. 223 00:17:41,017 --> 00:17:44,487 Only last year, his first single, "Om", shot to Number One 224 00:17:44,487 --> 00:17:47,808 when he personally purchased three million copies. 225 00:17:47,808 --> 00:17:51,128 You'll never be short of an ashtray in his house. 226 00:17:51,128 --> 00:17:56,371 Like many people who have everything, Dave's life has been tinged with tragedy. 227 00:17:56,371 --> 00:18:00,052 Well, actually, it hasn't, but we can only hope. 228 00:18:00,052 --> 00:18:04,051 Now Dr Bob Porkman, father of the condom that calls you back... 229 00:18:04,297 --> 00:18:06,288 Freeze. I've seen enough. 230 00:18:06,497 --> 00:18:09,409 - What do you want to do? - I'm going in. 231 00:18:09,409 --> 00:18:12,296 - I'm going in to rescue him. - Rescue him? 232 00:18:13,777 --> 00:18:17,611 It's my duty. My duty as a complete and utter bastard. 233 00:18:42,577 --> 00:18:44,249 Yow! 234 00:18:46,617 --> 00:18:50,007 Mr Lister, sir. What a delight it is to welcome you home. 235 00:18:50,217 --> 00:18:52,970 Gilbert, my man! You're looking bad, baby! 236 00:18:53,177 --> 00:18:58,774 - Indeed, sir. - You're my main, main, main, main man! 237 00:19:08,977 --> 00:19:11,730 I am awfully sorry about the statue, sir. 238 00:19:11,730 --> 00:19:14,411 The contractors still haven't devised a way 239 00:19:14,411 --> 00:19:17,410 of making it urinate champagne into the courtyard, 240 00:19:17,410 --> 00:19:21,695 although I am assured that it will be functional for the royal visit. 241 00:19:22,537 --> 00:19:25,893 Oh, get outta town! This is gonna slay 'em. 242 00:19:26,097 --> 00:19:30,249 Indeed, sir. I am only just recovering from the hilarity of the gag myself. 243 00:19:31,377 --> 00:19:34,767 Almost Swiftian in its rapier-like subtlety. 244 00:19:45,217 --> 00:19:47,685 I told Daddy today. About us, I mean. 245 00:19:47,897 --> 00:19:51,970 - How did the old codger take it? - Not terribly well, actually. 246 00:19:51,970 --> 00:19:56,892 He perched on top of his clay pigeon launcher and shouted, "Pull!" 247 00:19:59,617 --> 00:20:01,653 For madam, Lobster a la Grecque. 248 00:20:01,653 --> 00:20:06,288 For sir, a sausage and onion gravy sandwich on white bread 249 00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:09,335 with a glass of sterilised milk. 250 00:20:09,335 --> 00:20:12,807 Brilliant. We lived on these when I was in the band. 251 00:20:12,807 --> 00:20:18,097 As requested, sir, it was helicoptered in from Luigi's Fish 'n' Chip Emporium. 252 00:20:18,097 --> 00:20:21,016 An artist beyond comparison, sir. 253 00:20:22,977 --> 00:20:28,005 Excuse me, sir, but a gentleman appears to have appeared in the room. 254 00:20:29,097 --> 00:20:32,214 Listy, it's me. It's me, Rimmer. 255 00:20:32,897 --> 00:20:38,654 Rimmsy. Arnie Rimmer. Arnie. Old Iron Balls. Rimmer. Rimmer! 256 00:20:38,857 --> 00:20:41,576 Apparently, the gentleman's name is Rimmer, sir. 257 00:20:41,777 --> 00:20:45,895 - Have we met? - Have we met? We're like brothers. 258 00:20:45,895 --> 00:20:48,446 We were shipmates. Red Dwarf. 259 00:20:49,937 --> 00:20:52,405 - You don't remember, do you? - Remember what? 260 00:20:52,405 --> 00:20:55,330 Of course. It hasn't happened, has it? 261 00:20:55,330 --> 00:20:59,126 - What hasn't happened? - Sabrina Mulholland-JJones! 262 00:20:59,126 --> 00:21:01,492 - Yes? - THE Sabrina Mulholland-JJones? 263 00:21:01,697 --> 00:21:04,894 Model, best-selling novelist and international jet-setter? 264 00:21:04,894 --> 00:21:07,048 Yeah. She's me bird. 265 00:21:07,048 --> 00:21:09,208 "She's me bird." 266 00:21:09,208 --> 00:21:12,926 You call the Duke of Lincoln's eldest daughter "me bird"? 267 00:21:13,137 --> 00:21:15,890 Gilbert, escort Mr Rumour to the door? 268 00:21:15,890 --> 00:21:19,652 - But I came here to save you. - Throw him out, Gilbert. He's a nutter. 269 00:21:19,652 --> 00:21:23,253 - Step this way, sir. - But we were friends, buddies! 270 00:21:23,253 --> 00:21:25,806 Let's not have a scene, sir. 271 00:21:25,806 --> 00:21:30,892 You call this happiness? Surrounded by toadying lackeys and paid sycophants? 272 00:21:30,892 --> 00:21:34,891 Living with a love goddess sex-bomb? You call this contentment? 273 00:21:35,097 --> 00:21:40,296 You know, I look at the two of us and I ask one simple question... 274 00:21:40,296 --> 00:21:44,086 Who is the rich man? You, with your 58 houses, 275 00:21:44,086 --> 00:21:46,452 your private island in the Bahamas, 276 00:21:46,452 --> 00:21:48,892 your multi-billion-pound business empire, 277 00:21:48,892 --> 00:21:54,370 or me with... with...with what I've got. 278 00:21:57,777 --> 00:22:00,132 It's you, isn't it? 279 00:22:00,132 --> 00:22:03,767 Yes, it's all clear to me now. You...richer and happier. 280 00:22:04,377 --> 00:22:06,368 This way, sir. 281 00:22:07,977 --> 00:22:12,971 I should have thought a bit harder about that speech. I cocked it up a bit. 282 00:22:16,217 --> 00:22:19,254 - Any luck? - Useless. 283 00:22:19,254 --> 00:22:21,533 Didn't listen. Didn't even recognise me. 284 00:22:21,533 --> 00:22:24,575 He just thought I was some deranged madman. 285 00:22:24,777 --> 00:22:26,813 You sure he didn't recognise you? 286 00:22:27,017 --> 00:22:31,966 Wait a tension-popping minute. If Lister can do it, why can't I? 287 00:22:32,177 --> 00:22:37,012 These photographs, there's one here of me at boarding school, aged eight. 288 00:22:37,012 --> 00:22:40,374 I can invent the tension sheet first. 289 00:22:40,577 --> 00:22:43,216 But you'll disappear and become incredibly wealthy, 290 00:22:43,216 --> 00:22:45,572 and Lister will be sent hurtling back. 291 00:22:46,057 --> 00:22:49,288 Yes, and Cat and Kryten will be brought back into existence. 292 00:22:49,497 --> 00:22:51,772 True, as a by-product, I'll become mega-rich 293 00:22:51,772 --> 00:22:55,725 and be forced to have constant sex with that JJones woman, 294 00:22:55,725 --> 00:22:58,411 but that's a sacrifice I'm prepared to make. 295 00:23:01,017 --> 00:23:02,928 Holly, torch. 296 00:23:20,537 --> 00:23:24,769 - Pssst! Wake up. - What is it? 297 00:23:25,177 --> 00:23:28,169 - Who are you? - Look, don't be afraid. 298 00:23:28,169 --> 00:23:30,567 I'm going to make you rich. 299 00:23:30,567 --> 00:23:34,332 All you've got to do is listen very, very carefully. 300 00:23:35,657 --> 00:23:40,253 Right, this is the plan. You will invent a thing called the tension sheet. 301 00:23:40,253 --> 00:23:42,692 - Pension sheet? - T. T. Tension. 302 00:23:42,692 --> 00:23:44,927 Tension sheet. Shut up. I'm talking. 303 00:23:46,297 --> 00:23:50,131 Are you listening? They're sheets of paper with air bubbles in them. 304 00:23:50,131 --> 00:23:55,007 - Like you get in packing paper? - Look, Holden, go back to sleep. 305 00:23:55,897 --> 00:24:01,813 They're exactly the same as the ones in packing paper, but you paint them red. 306 00:24:01,813 --> 00:24:04,366 - Why red? - Because it helps people relax. 307 00:24:04,657 --> 00:24:07,012 Shut up. I'm trying to make him rich. 308 00:24:08,737 --> 00:24:12,013 You'd write better if you took off your boxing gloves. 309 00:24:13,577 --> 00:24:16,045 - Now, have you got all that? - I think so. 310 00:24:16,045 --> 00:24:19,129 First thing tomorrow, take the idea to the patent office. 311 00:24:19,129 --> 00:24:24,530 I can't. Not first thing. I've got extra rugby practice because I'm so wet. 312 00:24:27,057 --> 00:24:29,855 All right, lunchtime. Take it at lunchtime, OK? 313 00:24:30,737 --> 00:24:32,807 I've got to go now. 314 00:24:34,977 --> 00:24:37,935 Oi. Don't mess this up. 315 00:24:38,137 --> 00:24:40,128 No, sir. 316 00:24:45,057 --> 00:24:48,572 Oh, yes! Oh, yes! Oh, yes! 317 00:24:51,897 --> 00:24:55,128 - Worked, did it? - Though it pains me dearly, 318 00:24:55,128 --> 00:24:58,846 I'll be having to say ta-ta to your gormless face. 319 00:24:59,057 --> 00:25:01,617 Ta-ta, poverty. Ta-ta, failure. 320 00:25:01,617 --> 00:25:05,326 Hello, Sabrina. Hello, sexual ecstasy. 321 00:25:05,777 --> 00:25:09,326 A-ha. Here they come, bang on time. 322 00:25:09,326 --> 00:25:13,888 Well, gentlemen, just enough time for me to say toodly-pipski. 323 00:25:13,888 --> 00:25:17,288 - I'll disappear any moment now. - What happened? 324 00:25:18,217 --> 00:25:21,254 Here it comes... Any moment. 325 00:25:21,857 --> 00:25:24,052 What's he talking about? 326 00:25:24,977 --> 00:25:29,255 Any moment... Any moment now. 327 00:25:30,857 --> 00:25:35,009 It hasn't worked. According to our data, you didn't invent the tension sheet. 328 00:25:35,009 --> 00:25:38,169 It was invented by a gentleman named "Thickie" Holden. 329 00:25:38,977 --> 00:25:42,367 - What? - You've put things back as they were. 330 00:25:44,177 --> 00:25:46,611 Why does nothing ever go right for me? 331 00:25:46,611 --> 00:25:50,247 Every time I get so much as a snifter of a break, 332 00:25:50,247 --> 00:25:54,968 a glimpse of happiness, something inexplicably cruel and horrible happens, 333 00:25:54,968 --> 00:25:58,174 - and it blows up in my face. - Hang on. 334 00:25:58,174 --> 00:26:02,535 Something is different. Somehow, you're no longer a hologram. 335 00:26:02,535 --> 00:26:05,291 - You're alive. - What? 336 00:26:11,977 --> 00:26:13,968 I'm alive! 337 00:26:14,297 --> 00:26:15,969 I'm alive! 338 00:26:15,969 --> 00:26:18,014 Mmmm! 339 00:26:18,014 --> 00:26:20,168 I'm alive! 340 00:26:20,857 --> 00:26:25,647 Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit. 341 00:26:25,647 --> 00:26:28,206 I'm alive! 342 00:26:32,177 --> 00:26:36,011 I'm alive. I can touch, I can feel, I can fondle. 343 00:26:36,011 --> 00:26:39,328 I'm alive! Don't you think it's incredible? I am ali... 344 00:26:44,697 --> 00:26:46,688 What was he saying?