1
00:03:01,550 --> 00:03:04,678
I'm going for a cup of tea.
Do you want one?
2
00:03:06,088 --> 00:03:09,524
- Do you want a cup of tea, Withnail?
- No.
3
00:03:58,807 --> 00:04:01,674
Thirteen million
Londoners have to wake up to this.
4
00:04:01,777 --> 00:04:04,678
The murder and all-bran
and rape?
5
00:04:04,780 --> 00:04:08,272
And I'm sitting in this bloody shack,
and I can't cope with Withnail.
6
00:04:08,383 --> 00:04:10,442
I must be out of my mind.
7
00:04:10,552 --> 00:04:13,612
I must go home at once and
discuss his problems in depth.
8
00:04:16,425 --> 00:04:19,087
I have some extremely
distressing news.
9
00:04:19,194 --> 00:04:22,186
I don't want to hear it.
I don't want to hear anything.
10
00:04:23,799 --> 00:04:27,394
My God, it's a nightmare,
let me tell you. It's a nightmare.
11
00:04:27,502 --> 00:04:30,494
We've just run out of wine.
What are we gonna do about it?
12
00:04:30,605 --> 00:04:33,096
I don't know.
I don't know.
13
00:04:33,208 --> 00:04:36,234
Oh, God!
I don't feel good.
14
00:04:36,345 --> 00:04:40,543
My thumbs have gone weird!
15
00:04:40,649 --> 00:04:43,914
I'm in the middle
of a bloody overdose.
16
00:04:44,019 --> 00:04:46,988
Oh, God!
17
00:04:47,089 --> 00:04:50,149
My heart's beating
like a fucked clock!
18
00:04:50,258 --> 00:04:52,692
I feel dreadful.
I feel really dreadful.
19
00:04:52,794 --> 00:04:55,160
So do I.
So does everybody.
20
00:04:55,263 --> 00:04:57,288
Look at my tongue.
21
00:04:57,399 --> 00:04:59,867
Gray yellow sock.
22
00:04:59,968 --> 00:05:02,698
Sit down, for Christ's sake.
What's the matter with you?
23
00:05:04,172 --> 00:05:06,834
Eat some sugar.
24
00:05:06,942 --> 00:05:10,309
Listen to this.
"Curse of the supermen.
25
00:05:10,412 --> 00:05:14,212
"'I took drugs to win medal,'
says top athleteJeff Wode.
26
00:05:14,316 --> 00:05:17,285
- Where's the coffee?
- "In a world exclusive interview,
27
00:05:17,386 --> 00:05:21,618
"33-year-old shot putterJeff Wode,
who weighs 317 pounds,
28
00:05:21,723 --> 00:05:25,318
"admitted taking massive doses
of anabolic steroids,
29
00:05:25,427 --> 00:05:27,725
"drugs banned in sport.
30
00:05:27,829 --> 00:05:30,957
"'He used to get in bad tempers,'
says his wife.
31
00:05:31,066 --> 00:05:33,899
"'He used to pick on me.
But now he's stopped,
32
00:05:34,002 --> 00:05:37,301
he's much better in our sex
life and in our general life."'
33
00:05:37,406 --> 00:05:42,207
Jesus Christ!
This huge, thatched head...
34
00:05:42,310 --> 00:05:46,872
with its earlobes and cannonball
is not considered sane.
35
00:05:46,982 --> 00:05:49,280
"Jeff Wode is feeling better...
36
00:05:49,384 --> 00:05:53,912
and is now prepared
to step back into society
and start tossing his orb about."
37
00:05:54,022 --> 00:05:56,388
Look at him!
Look at Jeff Wode!
38
00:05:56,491 --> 00:05:59,426
His head must weigh
50 pounds on its own.
39
00:06:00,862 --> 00:06:03,456
Imagine the size of his balls.
40
00:06:04,933 --> 00:06:07,868
Imagine getting into a fight
with the fucker.
41
00:06:07,969 --> 00:06:09,903
Please, I don't feel good.
42
00:06:10,005 --> 00:06:13,998
That's what you'd say.
But that wouldn't wash with Jeff.
43
00:06:14,109 --> 00:06:18,136
No. He'd like a bit of pleading.
Adds spice to it.
44
00:06:18,246 --> 00:06:23,411
In fact, he'd probably tell you
what he was gonna do before he did it.
45
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,286
"I'm gonna pull your head off."
46
00:06:27,389 --> 00:06:30,051
"No, please don't pull my head off."
47
00:06:30,158 --> 00:06:34,254
"I'm gonna pull your head off
because I don't like your head."
48
00:06:38,366 --> 00:06:41,927
Have you got soup?
Why didn't I get any soup?
49
00:06:42,037 --> 00:06:44,005
Coffee.
50
00:06:44,105 --> 00:06:46,266
Why don't you use a cup
like any other human being?
51
00:06:46,374 --> 00:06:49,172
Why don't you wash up occasionally
like any other human being?
52
00:06:49,277 --> 00:06:53,043
How dare you!
How dare you!
53
00:06:53,148 --> 00:06:55,616
How dare you
call me inhumane!
54
00:06:55,717 --> 00:06:58,709
I didn't call you inhumane.
You merely imagined it. Calm down.
55
00:06:58,820 --> 00:07:01,653
Right, you fucker.
I'm gonna do the washing up.
56
00:07:01,756 --> 00:07:04,919
No, no, you can't.
It's impossible, I swear.
57
00:07:05,026 --> 00:07:07,756
I've looked into it.
Listen to me! Listen to me!
58
00:07:07,863 --> 00:07:10,696
There are things in there.
There's a tea bag growing.
59
00:07:10,799 --> 00:07:14,064
You haven't slept in 60 hours.
You're in no state to tackle it.
60
00:07:14,169 --> 00:07:16,637
Wait till the morning.
We'll go in together.
61
00:07:16,738 --> 00:07:19,366
This is the morning!
Stand aside!
62
00:07:19,474 --> 00:07:23,433
You don't understand! I think
there may be something living in there.
63
00:07:23,545 --> 00:07:25,809
I think there may be
something alive.
64
00:07:25,914 --> 00:07:28,678
- What do you mean? A rat?
- It's possible.
65
00:07:28,783 --> 00:07:31,843
Then the fucker
will rue the day.
66
00:07:33,989 --> 00:07:38,426
Oh, Christ Almighty!
A sinew in nicotine base.
67
00:07:38,527 --> 00:07:41,985
Keep back, keep back.
The entire sink's gone rotten.
68
00:07:42,097 --> 00:07:43,997
I don't know what's in here.
69
00:07:44,099 --> 00:07:48,229
I told you, you've been bitten!
70
00:07:48,336 --> 00:07:51,066
Burnt! Burnt!
The fucking kettle's on fire!
71
00:07:51,172 --> 00:07:53,640
- There's something floating up.
- Fork it!
72
00:07:53,742 --> 00:07:57,234
- L-l-I don't...
- You must! You must!
73
00:07:57,345 --> 00:08:01,441
The poop will boil through the glaze.
We'll never be able to use
our dinner service again.
74
00:08:01,550 --> 00:08:03,950
Here. Get it with the pliers.
75
00:08:04,052 --> 00:08:06,452
No, no. No, no.
Give me the gloves.
76
00:08:06,555 --> 00:08:09,251
That's right.
Put on the gloves.
77
00:08:09,357 --> 00:08:12,258
Don't attempt anything
without the gloves.
78
00:08:15,630 --> 00:08:18,531
- Ugh.
- What is it? What have you found?
79
00:08:18,633 --> 00:08:21,261
Matter.
80
00:08:21,369 --> 00:08:23,860
Matter?
Where's it coming from?
81
00:08:23,972 --> 00:08:26,964
Don't look.
I'm dealing with it.
82
00:08:29,044 --> 00:08:31,410
I think we've been
in here too long.
83
00:08:31,513 --> 00:08:35,142
I feel unusual.
I think we should go outside.
84
00:08:40,221 --> 00:08:43,156
This is ridiculous.
Look at me.
85
00:08:43,258 --> 00:08:46,750
I'm 30 in a month, and I've got
a sole flapping off my shoe.
86
00:08:46,861 --> 00:08:49,853
It will get better.
It has to.
87
00:08:49,965 --> 00:08:52,900
Easy for you to say, lovey.
You've had an audition.
88
00:08:53,001 --> 00:08:55,469
Why can't I have an audition?
89
00:08:55,570 --> 00:09:00,269
It's ridiculous. I've been
to drama school. I'm good-looking.
90
00:09:00,375 --> 00:09:04,471
I tell you,
I've a fuck sight more talent than half
the rubbish that gets on television.
91
00:09:04,579 --> 00:09:06,672
Why can't I get on television?
92
00:09:06,781 --> 00:09:09,011
I don't know.
It'll happen.
93
00:09:09,117 --> 00:09:11,677
Will it?
That's what you say.
94
00:09:11,786 --> 00:09:15,381
The only program I'm likely to get on
is the fucking news.
95
00:09:15,490 --> 00:09:17,958
I tell you, I can't take
much more of this.
96
00:09:18,059 --> 00:09:20,493
- I'm gonna crack.
- I'm in the same boat.
97
00:09:20,595 --> 00:09:22,495
Yeah, yeah.
98
00:09:22,597 --> 00:09:25,191
I feel as sick as a pike.
99
00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:27,427
I'm gonna have to sit down.
100
00:09:32,607 --> 00:09:35,701
You know what we should do?
101
00:09:35,810 --> 00:09:38,438
I say, you know
what we should do?
102
00:09:38,546 --> 00:09:41,538
How can I possibly know
what we should do?
103
00:09:41,650 --> 00:09:45,177
- What should we do?
- Get out of it for a while.
104
00:09:45,286 --> 00:09:48,050
Get into the countryside,
rejuvenate.
105
00:09:48,156 --> 00:09:52,183
Rejuvenate? I'm in a park,
and I'm practically dead.
106
00:09:52,293 --> 00:09:55,194
What good's the countryside?
107
00:09:55,296 --> 00:09:59,460
- What time is it?
- It's 8:00.
108
00:09:59,567 --> 00:10:03,970
Four hours till opening time.
God help us.
109
00:10:04,072 --> 00:10:06,472
Have we got any embrocation?
110
00:10:08,443 --> 00:10:10,911
- What for?
- To rub on us, you fool.
111
00:10:11,012 --> 00:10:14,106
We can cover ourselves in Deep Heat
and get up against the radiator,
112
00:10:14,215 --> 00:10:16,683
keep ourselves alive till 12:00.
113
00:10:18,486 --> 00:10:20,920
Jesus, look at that!
114
00:10:21,022 --> 00:10:23,820
Apart from a raw potato,
that's the only solid...
115
00:10:23,925 --> 00:10:27,053
to have passed my lips
in the last 60 hours.
116
00:10:27,162 --> 00:10:29,562
I must be ill.
117
00:10:31,833 --> 00:10:35,667
Even a stopped clock
gives the right time twice a day.
118
00:10:37,172 --> 00:10:41,131
And for once, I'm inclined to
believe that Withnail is right.
119
00:10:41,242 --> 00:10:45,679
We are, indeed, drifting
into the arena of the unwell,
120
00:10:47,515 --> 00:10:50,507
making an enemy
of our own future.
121
00:10:50,618 --> 00:10:53,587
What we need is harmony,
122
00:10:53,688 --> 00:10:56,782
fresh air, stuff like that.
123
00:10:56,891 --> 00:11:00,383
Wasn't much in the tube.
Nothing left for you.
124
00:11:00,495 --> 00:11:03,794
Why don't you ask your father
for some money?
125
00:11:03,898 --> 00:11:06,867
If we had some money,
we could go away.
126
00:11:06,968 --> 00:11:10,631
Why don't you ask your father?
How can it be so cold in here?
127
00:11:10,739 --> 00:11:13,071
Like Greenland in here.
128
00:11:14,843 --> 00:11:19,303
We've got to get some booze. It's
the only solution for this intense cold.
129
00:11:19,414 --> 00:11:23,510
Something's got to be done.
We can't go on like this!
130
00:11:23,618 --> 00:11:27,816
I'm a trained actor
reduced to the status of a bum!
131
00:11:27,922 --> 00:11:32,621
I mean, look at us!
Nothing that reasonable members
of society demand as their rights!
132
00:11:32,727 --> 00:11:35,958
No fridges, no televisions,
no phones!
133
00:11:36,064 --> 00:11:38,396
Much more of this, I'm gonna
apply for Meals On Wheels.
134
00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:42,402
- What happened
to your cigar commercial?
- That's what I want to know.
135
00:11:42,504 --> 00:11:45,701
What happened to my agent?
Bastard must have died.
136
00:11:45,807 --> 00:11:47,707
September. Bad patch.
137
00:11:47,809 --> 00:11:50,937
Rubbish. I haven't seen Gielgud
down the Labor Exchange.
138
00:11:51,045 --> 00:11:52,945
Why doesn't he retire?
139
00:11:53,047 --> 00:11:55,948
Oh, look at this little bastard!
140
00:11:56,050 --> 00:11:59,383
"Boy lands plum role
for top Italian director."
141
00:11:59,487 --> 00:12:03,548
'Course he does. Probably
on a tenner a day, and I know what for.
142
00:12:03,658 --> 00:12:07,492
Two pound ten a tit,
and a fiver for his arse.
143
00:12:10,198 --> 00:12:12,996
- Have you been at the controls?
- What are you talking about?
144
00:12:13,101 --> 00:12:15,763
The thermostats!
What have you done to them?
145
00:12:15,870 --> 00:12:19,033
- I haven't touched them.
- Then why has my head gone numb?
146
00:12:19,140 --> 00:12:21,631
I must have some booze.
147
00:12:21,743 --> 00:12:24,473
I demand to have some booze!
148
00:12:26,614 --> 00:12:29,344
- I wouldn't drink that if I was you.
- Why not?
149
00:12:29,450 --> 00:12:31,350
Because I don't advise it.
150
00:12:31,452 --> 00:12:34,353
Even the wankers on the site wouldn't
drink that. That's worse than meths.
151
00:12:34,455 --> 00:12:37,424
Nonsense. This is a far
superior drink to meths.
152
00:12:37,525 --> 00:12:40,392
Wankers don't drink it
because they can't afford it.
153
00:12:44,766 --> 00:12:47,735
Have we got any more?
154
00:12:47,836 --> 00:12:50,566
Liar!
What's in your toolbox?
155
00:12:50,672 --> 00:12:52,731
No, we have nothing.
Sit down.
156
00:12:52,841 --> 00:12:55,241
Liar!
You've got antifreeze.
157
00:12:55,343 --> 00:12:58,244
You bloody fool.
You should never mix your drinks!
158
00:13:07,121 --> 00:13:11,023
All right, this is the plan.
We'll get in there and get wrecked.
159
00:13:11,125 --> 00:13:15,061
Then we'll eat a pork pie. Then we'll
drop a couple of Surmontil 50s each.
160
00:13:15,163 --> 00:13:18,599
Means we'll miss out Monday
but come up smiling Tuesday morning.
161
00:13:18,700 --> 00:13:22,101
- What's that appalling smell?
- Perfume on my boots.
162
00:13:22,203 --> 00:13:25,263
I had to scrub them
with essence of petunia.
163
00:13:32,513 --> 00:13:36,574
Two large gins, two pints of cider,
ice in the cider.
164
00:13:36,684 --> 00:13:39,244
If my father was loaded,
I'd ask him for some money.
165
00:13:39,354 --> 00:13:42,118
If your father was my
father, you wouldn't get it.
166
00:13:42,223 --> 00:13:44,623
- Here you are, lads.
- Chin-chin.
167
00:13:48,396 --> 00:13:50,296
Ugh!
168
00:13:51,833 --> 00:13:54,461
What about what's-his-name?
169
00:13:54,569 --> 00:13:57,902
- What about him?
- Why don't you give him a call?
170
00:13:58,006 --> 00:14:01,442
- What for?
- Ask him about his house.
171
00:14:01,542 --> 00:14:04,636
You want me to call what's-his-name
and ask him about his house?
172
00:14:04,746 --> 00:14:08,079
- Why not?
- All right. What's his number?
173
00:14:08,182 --> 00:14:10,844
I have no idea.
I've never met him.
174
00:14:10,952 --> 00:14:13,853
Well, neither have I.
Who the fuck are you talking about?
175
00:14:13,955 --> 00:14:16,287
Your relative with the house
in the country.
176
00:14:16,391 --> 00:14:19,053
- Monty? Uncle Monty?
- Same. That's the one.
177
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:22,129
Get theJag fixed up,
spend a week in the country.
178
00:14:22,230 --> 00:14:26,030
All right. Give us a tanner,
and I'll give him a bell.
179
00:14:26,134 --> 00:14:30,628
Here. Get a couple more.
I'm going for a slash.
180
00:14:37,578 --> 00:14:39,478
Ponce.
181
00:14:42,450 --> 00:14:45,146
I could hardly
piss straight with fear.
182
00:14:45,253 --> 00:14:48,814
A man with three-quarters of an inch
of brain had taken a dislike to me.
183
00:14:48,923 --> 00:14:53,326
What have I done to offend him?
I don't consciously offend
big men like this.
184
00:14:53,428 --> 00:14:56,329
And this one has a definite
imbalance of hormone in him.
185
00:14:56,431 --> 00:14:59,559
Get any more masculine than him,
you'd have to live up a tree.
186
00:14:59,667 --> 00:15:02,898
"I fuck arses."
Who fucks arses?
187
00:15:03,004 --> 00:15:05,700
Maybe he fucks arses.
188
00:15:05,807 --> 00:15:08,935
Maybe he's written this in some
moment of drunken sincerity?
189
00:15:09,043 --> 00:15:11,511
I'm in considerable
danger in here.
190
00:15:11,612 --> 00:15:13,603
I must get out of here at once.
191
00:15:17,952 --> 00:15:20,113
Perfumed ponce!
192
00:15:21,990 --> 00:15:25,221
You'll be pleased to hear
Monty's invited us for drinks.
193
00:15:25,326 --> 00:15:27,521
Balls to Monty.
We're getting out.
194
00:15:27,628 --> 00:15:30,756
Balls to Monty? I already spent
an hour flattering the bugger.
195
00:15:30,865 --> 00:15:34,801
There's a man over there doesn't like
the perfume. A big one. Don't look.
196
00:15:34,902 --> 00:15:37,632
We're in danger.
We've got to get out.
197
00:15:37,739 --> 00:15:41,766
- What are you talking about?
- I've been called a ponce.
198
00:15:41,876 --> 00:15:45,004
What fucker said that?
199
00:15:50,551 --> 00:15:53,520
I called him a ponce,
200
00:15:53,621 --> 00:15:55,987
and now I'm calling you one.
201
00:15:56,090 --> 00:15:58,217
Ponce!
202
00:15:58,326 --> 00:16:00,658
Would you like a drink?
203
00:16:00,762 --> 00:16:02,787
What's your name? McFuck?
204
00:16:04,165 --> 00:16:07,726
I have a heart condition.
I have a heart condition.
205
00:16:07,835 --> 00:16:10,565
If you hit me, it's murder.
206
00:16:10,671 --> 00:16:13,367
I'll murder the pair of yous!
207
00:16:13,474 --> 00:16:16,170
My wife is having a baby.
208
00:16:16,277 --> 00:16:20,805
Listen, I don't know what my...
acquaintance did to upset you,
209
00:16:20,915 --> 00:16:23,440
but it's nothing to do with me.
210
00:16:23,551 --> 00:16:26,179
I suggest you both go outside...
211
00:16:26,287 --> 00:16:29,051
and discuss it sensibly
in the street.
212
00:16:31,726 --> 00:16:33,626
Out of my way!
213
00:16:39,367 --> 00:16:42,359
Speed is like
a dozen transatlantic flights...
214
00:16:42,470 --> 00:16:44,836
without ever
getting off the plane.
215
00:16:44,939 --> 00:16:49,035
Time change.
You lose. You gain.
216
00:16:49,143 --> 00:16:53,170
Makes no difference, so long
as you keep taking the pills.
217
00:16:53,281 --> 00:16:56,114
But sooner or later,
you gotta get out...
218
00:16:56,217 --> 00:16:58,344
because it's crashing,
219
00:16:58,453 --> 00:17:01,445
and all at once
those frozen hours...
220
00:17:01,556 --> 00:17:04,184
melt through
the nervous system...
221
00:17:04,292 --> 00:17:07,455
and seep out the pores.
222
00:17:08,763 --> 00:17:11,960
Bastards! Just to suck...
223
00:17:12,066 --> 00:17:15,524
some miserable cheap cigar,
and the bastards won't see me.
224
00:17:18,072 --> 00:17:20,040
Why are we having lunch in here?
225
00:17:20,141 --> 00:17:22,132
It's dinner, and Danny's here.
226
00:17:22,243 --> 00:17:24,143
Danny?
How did he get in?
227
00:17:24,245 --> 00:17:27,009
I let him in this morning.
He lost one of his clogs.
228
00:17:27,115 --> 00:17:29,743
He's come in because
of this perpetual cold.
229
00:17:29,851 --> 00:17:32,684
Oh, I hope
tobacco sales plummet.
230
00:17:32,787 --> 00:17:36,723
I've got your saveloy.
Here. I don't want it.
231
00:17:36,824 --> 00:17:39,588
Then stick it in a soap tray
and save it for later.
232
00:17:39,694 --> 00:17:42,356
Don't vent spleen on me!
I'm in the same boat!
233
00:17:42,463 --> 00:17:45,296
Stop saying that!
You're not in the same boat.
234
00:17:45,399 --> 00:17:49,836
The only thing you're in that
I have been in is this fucking bath!
235
00:17:52,106 --> 00:17:56,338
Danny's here.
Headhunter to his friends.
236
00:17:56,444 --> 00:18:00,346
Headhunter to everybody.
He doesn't have any friends.
237
00:18:00,448 --> 00:18:03,178
The only people
he converses with...
238
00:18:03,284 --> 00:18:06,185
are his clients
and occasionally the police.
239
00:18:06,287 --> 00:18:11,190
The purveyor of rare herbs and
prescribed chemicals is back.
240
00:18:11,292 --> 00:18:14,318
Will we never be set free?
241
00:18:18,966 --> 00:18:22,493
- Danny.
- You're looking very beautiful, man.
242
00:18:22,603 --> 00:18:24,503
Have you been away?
243
00:18:24,605 --> 00:18:28,666
St. Peter preached the epistles
to the apostles looking like that.
244
00:18:28,776 --> 00:18:31,108
Have you got any food?
245
00:18:31,212 --> 00:18:34,613
Mmm. As a matter of fact,
I got a saveloy.
246
00:18:34,715 --> 00:18:37,582
How much is it?
247
00:18:37,685 --> 00:18:39,880
You can have it for nothing.
248
00:18:39,987 --> 00:18:43,047
- I see you're wearing a suit.
- What's it got to do with you?
249
00:18:43,157 --> 00:18:47,389
No need to get uptight, man.
I was merely making an observation.
250
00:18:47,495 --> 00:18:52,023
I happened to be looking for a suit
for the Coalman two weeks ago.
251
00:18:52,133 --> 00:18:55,364
For reasons I can't really
discuss with you...
252
00:18:55,469 --> 00:18:58,063
the Coalman
had to go toJamaica.
253
00:18:58,172 --> 00:19:00,936
Got busted coming back
through Heathrow.
254
00:19:04,045 --> 00:19:05,945
Had a weight under his fez.
255
00:19:06,047 --> 00:19:10,177
We worked out, it would be very handy
karma for him to get hold of a suit.
256
00:19:10,284 --> 00:19:13,651
But he's a very low-temperature
spade, the Coalman.
257
00:19:13,754 --> 00:19:16,723
Goes into court
in his caftan and a bell.
258
00:19:16,824 --> 00:19:20,760
This doesn't go down at all well.
259
00:19:20,861 --> 00:19:24,422
They can handle the caftan,
but they can't handle the bell.
260
00:19:24,532 --> 00:19:28,093
So there's this judge sitting there
in the cape like fucking Batman...
261
00:19:28,202 --> 00:19:31,763
- with this really
rather far-out looking hat...
- Wig.
262
00:19:31,872 --> 00:19:35,933
No, man. This was more
like a long white hat.
263
00:19:36,043 --> 00:19:38,568
So he looks at the Coalman
and says,
264
00:19:38,679 --> 00:19:42,274
"What's all this? This is a court,
man. This ain't fancy dress."
265
00:19:42,383 --> 00:19:45,079
And the Coalman
looks at him and says,
266
00:19:45,186 --> 00:19:48,212
"You think you look normal,
Your Honor?"
267
00:19:48,322 --> 00:19:51,348
Cunt give him two years.
268
00:19:53,361 --> 00:19:56,421
I'm afraid I can't offer
you gentlemen anything.
269
00:19:56,530 --> 00:19:59,260
That's all right, Danny.
We decided to lay off for a bit.
270
00:19:59,367 --> 00:20:03,133
That's what I thought. Except
for personal use, I concur with you.
271
00:20:03,237 --> 00:20:07,640
As a matter of fact, I'm thinking
of retiring and going into business.
272
00:20:07,742 --> 00:20:10,233
Doing what?
273
00:20:10,344 --> 00:20:13,575
- The toy industry.
- I thought you
were in the bottle industry.
274
00:20:13,681 --> 00:20:17,845
No, man. That's a sideline.
You can have that.
275
00:20:17,952 --> 00:20:20,682
Instructions are included.
276
00:20:20,788 --> 00:20:24,952
Yeah, my partner's got a really
good idea for making dolls.
277
00:20:25,059 --> 00:20:29,621
His name's Presuming Ed.
His sister give him the idea.
278
00:20:29,730 --> 00:20:32,426
She got a doll on Christmas
what pisses itself.
279
00:20:32,533 --> 00:20:35,969
- Really?
- Yeah, and you gotta
change its drawers for it.
280
00:20:36,070 --> 00:20:39,096
It's horrible, really.
But they like that, little girls.
281
00:20:39,206 --> 00:20:42,107
So we're gonna make one
that shits itself as well.
282
00:20:42,209 --> 00:20:44,803
- Shits itself?
- He's an expert.
283
00:20:44,912 --> 00:20:47,676
He's building the prototype now.
284
00:20:50,451 --> 00:20:52,612
Why is he behaving so uptightly?
285
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:56,679
Because a gang
of cheeroot vendors considered
a haircut beyond my abilities.
286
00:20:56,791 --> 00:20:59,692
I don't advise a haircut, man.
287
00:20:59,794 --> 00:21:02,957
All hairdressers are
in the employment of the government.
288
00:21:03,064 --> 00:21:05,225
Hair are your aerials.
289
00:21:05,333 --> 00:21:07,801
They pick up signals
from the cosmos...
290
00:21:07,902 --> 00:21:10,700
and transmit them
directly into the brain.
291
00:21:10,805 --> 00:21:13,933
This is the reason
bald-headed men are uptight.
292
00:21:14,041 --> 00:21:16,373
What absolute twaddle.
293
00:21:17,812 --> 00:21:19,712
- Has he just been busted?
- No.
294
00:21:19,814 --> 00:21:22,044
Then why is he wearing
that old suit?
295
00:21:22,149 --> 00:21:26,210
Old suit? This suit
was cut by Hawke's of Savile Row.
296
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:30,279
Just because the best tailoring
you've ever seen is above your fucking
appendix doesn't mean anything!
297
00:21:30,391 --> 00:21:32,882
Don't get uptight with me, man.
298
00:21:32,993 --> 00:21:37,521
'Cause if you do, I'll have to
give you a dose of medicine.
299
00:21:37,631 --> 00:21:41,727
And if I spike you, you'll know
you've been spoken to.
300
00:21:41,836 --> 00:21:44,566
You wouldn't spike me.
You're too mean.
301
00:21:44,672 --> 00:21:47,573
Besides, there's nothing
invented I couldn't take.
302
00:21:47,675 --> 00:21:52,510
If I medicined you, you'd think
a brain tumor was a birthday present.
303
00:21:54,348 --> 00:21:57,442
I could take double
anything you could.
304
00:21:59,353 --> 00:22:02,754
Very, very foolish words, man.
305
00:22:02,857 --> 00:22:05,257
He's right, Withnail.
Look at him.
306
00:22:05,359 --> 00:22:08,260
His mechanism's gone. He's had
more drugs than you've had hot dinners.
307
00:22:08,362 --> 00:22:10,796
I'm not having this
shag sack insulting me.
308
00:22:10,898 --> 00:22:13,093
Let him get his drugs out.
309
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:17,068
This doll
is extremely dangerous.
310
00:22:18,906 --> 00:22:22,842
It has voodoo qualities.
311
00:22:31,886 --> 00:22:37,552
Trade,
"Phenodihydrochrolide benzorex."
312
00:22:37,658 --> 00:22:40,957
Street, "the embalmer."
313
00:22:41,061 --> 00:22:43,291
Balls! I'll swallow it
and run a mile.
314
00:22:43,397 --> 00:22:48,096
Cool your boots, man.
This pill's valued at two quid.
315
00:22:48,202 --> 00:22:51,103
- Two quid? You're out of your mind.
- That's sense, Withnail.
316
00:22:51,205 --> 00:22:54,732
You can stuff it
up your arse for nothing
and fuck off while you're doing it!
317
00:22:57,244 --> 00:23:01,738
No need to insult me, man.
I was leaving anyway.
318
00:23:05,085 --> 00:23:08,248
Have either of you got shoes?
319
00:23:33,781 --> 00:23:36,249
Monty's car.
320
00:23:44,792 --> 00:23:47,784
Oh, hello! Come in.
321
00:23:55,870 --> 00:23:59,567
Sit down, do.
Would you like a drink?
322
00:23:59,673 --> 00:24:01,766
- Sherry.
- Sherry.
323
00:24:04,879 --> 00:24:06,779
- Sherry?
- Sherry.
324
00:24:06,881 --> 00:24:08,781
Sherry.
325
00:24:12,820 --> 00:24:15,380
Do you like vegetables?
326
00:24:15,489 --> 00:24:18,219
I've always been fond
of root crops,
327
00:24:18,325 --> 00:24:20,850
but I only started
to grow last summer.
328
00:24:20,961 --> 00:24:24,556
I happen to think the cauliflower
more beautiful than the rose.
329
00:24:24,665 --> 00:24:26,565
Chin-chin.
330
00:24:26,667 --> 00:24:29,067
- Do you grow?
- Geraniums.
331
00:24:29,169 --> 00:24:31,262
Little traitors.
332
00:24:31,372 --> 00:24:34,603
I think the carrot infinitely
more fascinating than the geranium.
333
00:24:34,708 --> 00:24:38,166
Mmm. The carrot has mystery.
334
00:24:38,279 --> 00:24:41,305
Flowers are essentially tarts,
335
00:24:41,415 --> 00:24:44,441
prostitutes for the bees.
336
00:24:45,853 --> 00:24:48,913
There is, you will agree,
a certain "je ne sai quoi,"
337
00:24:49,023 --> 00:24:52,686
something very special
about a firm, young carrot.
338
00:24:52,793 --> 00:24:54,920
Hmm, excuse me.
339
00:24:55,029 --> 00:24:58,590
Do help yourselves to another drink.
340
00:24:58,699 --> 00:25:01,167
What's all this?
The man's mad.
341
00:25:01,268 --> 00:25:03,828
- Eccentric.
- Eccentric? He's insane!
342
00:25:03,938 --> 00:25:06,532
Not only that,
he's a raving homosexual.
343
00:25:08,642 --> 00:25:10,906
You beastly little parasite!
How dare you?
344
00:25:11,011 --> 00:25:13,775
You little thug!
How dare you!
345
00:25:16,417 --> 00:25:18,977
Beastly, ungrateful little swine!
346
00:25:19,086 --> 00:25:22,817
- Shall I get you a drink?
- Yes, yes, yes, please, dear boy.
347
00:25:22,923 --> 00:25:25,483
You can prepare me a small
rhesus-negative Bloody Mary.
348
00:25:25,593 --> 00:25:29,723
You must tell me all the news.
I haven't seen you since you
finished your last show.
349
00:25:29,830 --> 00:25:32,628
Rather busy, Uncle.
TV and stuff.
350
00:25:32,733 --> 00:25:36,032
My agent's attempting to edge me
towards Royal Shakespeare Company again.
351
00:25:36,136 --> 00:25:40,038
- Oh, splendid.
- And he's just had an audition for rep.
352
00:25:40,140 --> 00:25:43,303
Oh, splendid!
So you're a Thespian too?
353
00:25:46,747 --> 00:25:48,738
Monty used to act.
354
00:25:48,849 --> 00:25:50,749
One hardly says that.
355
00:25:50,851 --> 00:25:54,412
I cracked the boards in my youth,
but I never really had it in my blood.
356
00:25:54,521 --> 00:25:57,081
And that's what's
so essential, isn't it?
357
00:25:57,191 --> 00:25:59,625
The theatrical zeal in the veins.
358
00:25:59,727 --> 00:26:03,788
Alas, I have little more
than vintage wine and memories.
359
00:26:08,102 --> 00:26:11,833
It is the most shattering experience
of a young man's life...
360
00:26:11,939 --> 00:26:15,841
when one morning he awakes
and quite reasonably says to himself,
361
00:26:15,943 --> 00:26:21,404
"I will never play the Dane."
362
00:26:21,515 --> 00:26:24,678
When that moment comes,
363
00:26:24,785 --> 00:26:28,243
one's ambition ceases.
364
00:26:30,624 --> 00:26:33,115
Don't you agree?
365
00:26:33,227 --> 00:26:37,027
- It's a part I intend to play, Uncle.
- And you'll be marvelous.
366
00:26:37,131 --> 00:26:39,429
Marvelous.
367
00:26:40,834 --> 00:26:43,394
"It's gone.
368
00:26:43,504 --> 00:26:46,701
"We do it wrong,
being so ma'jestical...
369
00:26:46,807 --> 00:26:49,537
to offer it
the show of violence."
370
00:26:49,643 --> 00:26:52,737
Let's go. He's a madman.
371
00:26:52,846 --> 00:26:55,610
Any minute now, he's gonna rush out
and get into his tights.
372
00:26:55,716 --> 00:26:59,550
- Okay, okay. Any minute.
- The house or out.
373
00:27:01,488 --> 00:27:03,683
Could I have a word
with you, Monty?
374
00:27:03,791 --> 00:27:06,726
Oh, forgive me, dear boy.
Forgive me.
375
00:27:06,827 --> 00:27:09,887
I was allowing memory
to have the better of me.
376
00:27:09,997 --> 00:27:12,898
Shall I get you a topper?
377
00:27:21,842 --> 00:27:25,403
Indeed, I remember my first agent.
378
00:27:25,512 --> 00:27:27,639
Raymond Duck.
379
00:27:29,483 --> 00:27:32,475
He was a dreadful little Israelite.
380
00:27:32,586 --> 00:27:35,555
Four floors up
on the Charing Cross Road,
381
00:27:35,656 --> 00:27:38,454
and never a job
at the top of them.
382
00:27:40,294 --> 00:27:43,092
I'm told you're a writer too.
383
00:27:45,032 --> 00:27:47,523
Do you write poems?
384
00:27:47,634 --> 00:27:51,593
No. I wish I could.
It's just thoughts, really.
385
00:27:53,307 --> 00:27:55,775
- Are you published?
- Oh, no.
386
00:27:55,876 --> 00:27:58,106
Where did you school?
387
00:27:58,212 --> 00:28:00,840
He went to the other place, Monty.
388
00:28:00,948 --> 00:28:04,179
Oh, you went to Eton?
389
00:28:04,284 --> 00:28:06,980
Get that damned little
swine out of here!
390
00:28:09,089 --> 00:28:12,889
It's trying to get itself in with you.
It's trying for even more advantage.
391
00:28:12,993 --> 00:28:15,154
It's obsessed with its gut.
It's like a bloody rugby ball now.
392
00:28:15,262 --> 00:28:18,561
- It will die! It will die!
- Monty. Monty.
393
00:28:18,665 --> 00:28:21,463
No, no, dear boy.
You must leave.
394
00:28:21,568 --> 00:28:23,934
Yet again, that oaf
has destroyed my day.
395
00:28:24,037 --> 00:28:27,063
Listen, Monty. Could I just have
a quick word with you? In private?
396
00:28:27,174 --> 00:28:29,335
Oh... very well.
397
00:28:40,821 --> 00:28:43,813
- Good night, my dears.
- Good night, Monty.
398
00:28:43,924 --> 00:28:47,382
What's all this
going off in private business?
Why did you tell him I went to Eton?
399
00:28:47,494 --> 00:28:50,327
Because it wouldn't
have helped if I hadn't.
400
00:28:50,430 --> 00:28:53,661
I'm just trying to establish you
in some sort of context he'd understand.
401
00:28:53,767 --> 00:28:57,464
- What do you mean by that?
- I mean, free
to those who can afford it.
402
00:28:57,571 --> 00:29:00,335
Very expensive
to those that can't.
403
00:29:08,048 --> 00:29:11,643
"All Along the Watchtower"]
404
00:29:44,585 --> 00:29:48,749
- Scrubbers!
- Up yours, Granddad!
405
00:29:48,856 --> 00:29:52,383
- Scrubbers! Scrubbers!
- Shut up!
406
00:29:52,492 --> 00:29:55,689
Little tarts.
They love it.
407
00:29:55,796 --> 00:29:58,788
I'm trying to drive this thing
as quietly as possible.
408
00:29:58,899 --> 00:30:02,665
If you don't shut up,
we'll get stopped by the police.
409
00:30:02,769 --> 00:30:05,932
- Give me the bottle.
- Look at that. Look at that.
410
00:30:06,039 --> 00:30:09,270
"Accident black spot."
These aren't accidents!
411
00:30:09,376 --> 00:30:12,868
They're throwing themselves
into the road! Gladly!
412
00:30:12,980 --> 00:30:17,178
Throwing themselves into the road
to escape all this hideousness!
413
00:30:17,284 --> 00:30:20,151
Throw yourself
into the road, darling!
414
00:30:20,254 --> 00:30:22,814
You haven't got a chance!
415
00:30:59,927 --> 00:31:03,556
At some point or another,
I want to stop and get hold of a child.
416
00:31:03,664 --> 00:31:05,564
What do you want a child for?
417
00:31:05,666 --> 00:31:07,793
To tutor it in the ways
of righteousness...
418
00:31:07,901 --> 00:31:10,199
and procure some
uncontaminated urine.
419
00:31:10,304 --> 00:31:14,638
This is a device enabling the drunken
driver to operate in absolute safety.
420
00:31:14,741 --> 00:31:19,644
You fill this with piss,
take this pipe down the trouser...
421
00:31:19,746 --> 00:31:23,910
and cellotape this valve
to the end of the old chap.
422
00:31:24,017 --> 00:31:27,885
Then you get horribly drunk,
and they can't fucking touch you.
423
00:31:27,988 --> 00:31:30,980
According
to these instructions,
424
00:31:31,091 --> 00:31:34,151
you refuse everything
but a urine sample.
425
00:31:34,261 --> 00:31:36,991
You undo your valve...
426
00:31:37,097 --> 00:31:40,692
and give 'em a dose
of unadulterated child's piss,
427
00:31:40,801 --> 00:31:43,827
and they have to give you
your keys back.
428
00:31:43,937 --> 00:31:48,033
Danny's a genius.
I'm gonna have a doze.
429
00:33:09,556 --> 00:33:12,150
- Are we there?
- No, we're not. We're here.
430
00:33:12,259 --> 00:33:15,592
We're in the middle
of a fucking gale.
431
00:33:15,695 --> 00:33:18,255
You'll have to keep
a look out your side.
432
00:33:18,365 --> 00:33:21,198
If you see anything, tell me.
Get hold of that map.
433
00:33:21,301 --> 00:33:24,031
- Where's the whiskey?
- What for?
434
00:33:24,137 --> 00:33:26,697
I got a bastard
behind the eyes.
435
00:33:26,807 --> 00:33:29,605
I can't take aspirins
without a drink.
436
00:33:29,709 --> 00:33:32,610
- Where's the aspirins?
- Probably in the bathroom.
437
00:33:32,712 --> 00:33:36,409
We've come out here in the middle
of nowhere without aspirins?
438
00:33:36,516 --> 00:33:39,781
- Where are we?
- How should I know where we are?
439
00:33:39,886 --> 00:33:43,287
I feel like a pig
shat in my head.
440
00:33:43,390 --> 00:33:46,951
Get hold of that map and look
for a place called Crow Crag.
441
00:34:04,077 --> 00:34:07,911
There must and shall be aspirin.
442
00:34:09,216 --> 00:34:12,276
Give me the keys.
Get out of the way.
443
00:34:12,385 --> 00:34:16,082
If I don't get aspirin,
I shall die...
444
00:34:16,189 --> 00:34:20,091
here on this
fucking mountainside!
445
00:34:35,442 --> 00:34:37,740
Christ Almighty!
446
00:35:12,345 --> 00:35:14,575
Monty.
447
00:35:31,498 --> 00:35:36,367
- What are you doing?
- Sitting down to enjoy my holiday.
448
00:35:39,206 --> 00:35:42,505
Right. Now, we're gonna have to
approach this scientifically.
449
00:35:42,609 --> 00:35:45,407
First thing we've got to do
is get this fire alight.
450
00:35:45,512 --> 00:35:47,742
Then we split into two
fact-finding groups.
451
00:35:47,847 --> 00:35:50,281
I'll deal with the water
and other plumbing.
452
00:35:50,383 --> 00:35:53,045
You can check the fuel
and wood situation.
453
00:35:57,190 --> 00:36:00,091
- What's that?
- The fuel and wood situation.
454
00:36:00,193 --> 00:36:03,185
There's nothing out there
except a hurricane.
455
00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:10,328
- This place is uninhabitable.
- Give it a chance. It's got to warm up.
456
00:36:10,437 --> 00:36:13,531
Warm up? We may as well
sit around a cigarette.
457
00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:16,200
This is ridiculous.
458
00:36:16,309 --> 00:36:19,642
We'll be found dead
in here next spring.
459
00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:23,644
I've got a blinding
fucking headache.
460
00:36:23,750 --> 00:36:26,310
We must have heat.
461
00:36:29,556 --> 00:36:31,786
We've got to keep
this bastard burning.
462
00:36:31,891 --> 00:36:34,553
Well, we've got enough
furniture for tonight.
463
00:36:34,661 --> 00:36:37,562
Tomorrow we'll go down
that farm and get some logs.
464
00:36:37,664 --> 00:36:41,862
Mistake, I'm telling you.
This was a dreadful mistake.
465
00:38:52,899 --> 00:38:55,459
- Who's there?
- Me.
466
00:38:58,905 --> 00:39:00,805
What do you want?
467
00:39:00,907 --> 00:39:04,138
I'm a friend of Montague Withnail's.
He's lent us his cottage.
468
00:39:04,244 --> 00:39:08,704
I wondered if you could
sell us some food... eggs and things.
469
00:39:08,815 --> 00:39:11,375
Hmm?
470
00:39:13,520 --> 00:39:17,047
What about wood and coal?
471
00:39:17,157 --> 00:39:20,126
I'm not from London, you know.
472
00:39:20,226 --> 00:39:23,491
I don't care
where you come from!
473
00:39:23,596 --> 00:39:26,463
Not the attitude
I'd been given to expect...
474
00:39:26,566 --> 00:39:28,796
from the H.E. Bates novel
I'd read.
475
00:39:28,902 --> 00:39:33,635
I thought they'd all be out the back,
drinking cider, discussing butter.
476
00:39:33,740 --> 00:39:35,640
Clearly a myth.
477
00:39:35,742 --> 00:39:39,838
Evidently, country people are
no more receptive to strangers
than city dwellers.
478
00:39:42,916 --> 00:39:46,818
Do you think you could tell me
where I could buy some coal and wood?
479
00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:50,048
You'll have to see me son.
He runs this farm.
480
00:39:50,156 --> 00:39:53,148
- Where is your son?
- Up in top fields.
481
00:39:53,259 --> 00:39:57,355
You can't miss him.
His leg's bound in polythene.
482
00:40:21,821 --> 00:40:25,222
Wake up, you bastard!
Wake up!
483
00:40:26,860 --> 00:40:30,193
Wake up, you bastard!
You gotta get wood.
484
00:40:32,131 --> 00:40:34,361
Jesus! You're covered in shit.
485
00:40:34,467 --> 00:40:36,367
I tried to get the fuel and wood.
486
00:40:36,469 --> 00:40:39,370
There's a miserable
little pensioner down there.
487
00:40:39,472 --> 00:40:42,202
- She wouldn't give it to me.
- Where are we gonna get it, then?
488
00:40:42,308 --> 00:40:44,606
There's a man on the mountain.
489
00:40:44,711 --> 00:40:48,238
Why he's up there fuck knows.
490
00:40:48,348 --> 00:40:51,078
But he's up there
with a leg in polythene.
491
00:40:51,184 --> 00:40:53,584
You can't miss him.
He's your man.
492
00:40:53,686 --> 00:40:56,382
And have another look
in that shed. Find anything.
493
00:40:56,489 --> 00:40:59,390
If you can't find anything,
bring in the shed.
494
00:41:03,830 --> 00:41:06,958
How come Monty owns
such a horrible little shack?
495
00:41:07,066 --> 00:41:09,000
No idea.
496
00:41:09,102 --> 00:41:11,662
You never discuss
your family, do you?
497
00:41:11,771 --> 00:41:14,569
I fail to see my family
as of any interest to you.
498
00:41:14,674 --> 00:41:17,234
I have absolutely
no interest in yours.
499
00:41:17,343 --> 00:41:20,972
I dislike relatives in general,
my own in particular.
500
00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:24,413
- Why?
- Because... I've told you why.
501
00:41:24,517 --> 00:41:28,476
We're incompatible.
They don't like me being on stage.
502
00:41:28,588 --> 00:41:31,250
Then they must be delighted
with your career.
503
00:41:31,357 --> 00:41:34,019
- What do you mean?
- You rarely are.
504
00:41:34,127 --> 00:41:36,322
You just wait!
Just you wait!
505
00:41:36,429 --> 00:41:39,489
When I strike, they
won't know what hit them.
506
00:41:39,599 --> 00:41:41,794
Tractor approaching.
507
00:41:41,901 --> 00:41:44,870
Now get after him.
That's the man.
508
00:41:47,340 --> 00:41:50,605
- Hey, stop!
- Stop!
509
00:41:50,710 --> 00:41:52,678
Stop! Please!
510
00:41:52,779 --> 00:41:55,475
Stop, please!
Please stop!
511
00:41:58,651 --> 00:42:01,347
Please stop!
512
00:42:01,454 --> 00:42:04,355
- Are you the farmer?
- Shut up! I'll deal with this!
513
00:42:04,457 --> 00:42:06,550
We've gone on holiday
by mistake.
514
00:42:06,659 --> 00:42:09,025
We're in this cottage here.
Are you the farmer?
515
00:42:09,128 --> 00:42:12,188
Stop saying that, Withnail!
Of course he's the fucking farmer!
516
00:42:12,298 --> 00:42:15,426
We're friends
of Montague Withnail.
517
00:42:15,535 --> 00:42:18,129
We desperately need
fuel and wood.
518
00:42:18,237 --> 00:42:21,536
Montague Withnail.
You must know him!
519
00:42:21,641 --> 00:42:23,802
Fat man, owns the cottage.
520
00:42:23,910 --> 00:42:26,811
I seen a fat man.
London type. Queer sort.
521
00:42:26,913 --> 00:42:29,143
Think his name's French, or summit.
522
00:42:29,248 --> 00:42:31,876
- French?
- Aye. Adriene De La Touche.
523
00:42:31,985 --> 00:42:34,545
He ain't been here
for a couple of years.
524
00:42:34,654 --> 00:42:37,953
- Last time I saw him
he was with his son.
- Yeah, that's him.
525
00:42:38,057 --> 00:42:42,255
Listen, we're bona fide.
We're not from London.
Could we have some fuel and wood?
526
00:42:42,362 --> 00:42:45,729
I could bring you some logs up later.
I've got the cows to feed first.
527
00:42:45,832 --> 00:42:48,266
- When?
- Shut up! That would be very kind.
528
00:42:48,368 --> 00:42:51,531
What about food? Do you think
you could sell us something to eat?
529
00:42:51,638 --> 00:42:54,607
I could bring you a chicken,
but you'll have to go to the village.
530
00:42:54,707 --> 00:42:56,766
- That would be very kind, Mr...
- Parkin.
531
00:42:56,876 --> 00:42:59,777
Mr. Parkin.
What happened to your leg?
532
00:42:59,879 --> 00:43:03,212
Got a randy bull up there.
Give me one in the knee.
533
00:43:16,829 --> 00:43:19,696
You wanna go out back?
Get some spuds up?
534
00:43:19,799 --> 00:43:23,530
Sorry, I can't.
My boots are in the oven.
535
00:43:23,636 --> 00:43:26,366
- You'd go if you had boots?
536
00:43:26,472 --> 00:43:28,463
Gladly.
537
00:43:53,733 --> 00:43:56,224
- I've got one!
538
00:44:21,894 --> 00:44:25,125
- Great. How much do we owe you?
- Pay us when you come down.
539
00:44:25,231 --> 00:44:27,495
- What about this chicken?
- He's on the back.
540
00:44:38,077 --> 00:44:41,012
With. With.
541
00:44:41,114 --> 00:44:44,208
Parkin's been.
There's our supper.
542
00:44:44,317 --> 00:44:47,115
- What are we supposed to do with that?
- Eat it.
543
00:44:47,220 --> 00:44:49,154
Eat it?
The fucker's alive.
544
00:44:49,255 --> 00:44:51,155
- Yeah, I know that.
You've gotta kill it.
- Me?
545
00:44:51,257 --> 00:44:55,284
- I'm fire lighter and fuel collector.
- Yeah, I know that,
but I got the logs in.
546
00:44:59,799 --> 00:45:02,495
It takes away your appetite
looking at it.
547
00:45:02,602 --> 00:45:05,093
No, it doesn't.
I'm starving.
548
00:45:05,204 --> 00:45:08,332
- How can we make it die?
- You have to throttle them.
549
00:45:08,441 --> 00:45:13,071
I think you should strangle it
instantly, in case it starts
to make friends with us.
550
00:45:13,179 --> 00:45:16,945
All right, get hold of it.
You hold it down. I'll strangle it.
551
00:45:17,049 --> 00:45:21,110
I can't. Those dreadful, beady eyes.
They stare you out.
552
00:45:21,220 --> 00:45:25,088
It's a bloody chicken! Just think
of it with bacon across its back.
553
00:45:25,191 --> 00:45:27,716
All right,
I'll deal with this.
554
00:45:27,827 --> 00:45:30,387
You'll have to get
its guts out.
555
00:45:37,770 --> 00:45:40,898
Never point guns at people!
It's extremely dangerous.
556
00:45:41,007 --> 00:45:43,840
What about this roasting dish?
What are we gonna cook it in?
557
00:45:43,943 --> 00:45:47,674
You're the food and plumbings man.
I have no idea.
I wish I'd found this an hour ago.
558
00:45:47,780 --> 00:45:50,544
I'd have taken great pleasure
in gunning this pullet down.
559
00:45:53,986 --> 00:45:57,012
- Shouldn't it be more bald than that?
- No, it shouldn't.
560
00:45:57,123 --> 00:46:01,719
Right. We're gonna
have to reverse the roles.
561
00:46:01,828 --> 00:46:06,026
We can bake the potatoes
in the oven...
562
00:46:06,132 --> 00:46:08,828
and we can boil
this bastard over the fire.
563
00:46:08,935 --> 00:46:11,699
- Let's get its feet off.
- No.
564
00:46:11,804 --> 00:46:14,295
It's gonna need its feet.
565
00:46:29,488 --> 00:46:32,218
It can stand with its legs
on either side of that.
566
00:46:39,699 --> 00:46:42,964
I've already put
two shilling pieces in.
567
00:46:43,069 --> 00:46:45,833
No, I haven't got another.
568
00:46:45,938 --> 00:46:49,237
It's not my fault
if the system doesn't work.
569
00:46:51,644 --> 00:46:54,010
The bitch hung up on me.
570
00:47:08,394 --> 00:47:11,363
Hello? How are you?
571
00:47:11,464 --> 00:47:14,126
Very well.
572
00:47:14,233 --> 00:47:18,602
A what? Why
wouldn't they see me?
573
00:47:18,704 --> 00:47:21,070
This is ridiculous.
574
00:47:21,173 --> 00:47:23,869
I haven't been up for a job
in three months!
575
00:47:23,976 --> 00:47:27,468
Understudy Constantine?
I'm not going to understudy Constantine.
576
00:47:27,580 --> 00:47:29,810
Why can't I play the part?
577
00:47:29,916 --> 00:47:32,146
This is ridiculous.
578
00:47:32,251 --> 00:47:35,118
No, I'm not in London.
Penrith.
579
00:47:35,221 --> 00:47:37,348
Penrith!
580
00:47:37,456 --> 00:47:39,481
Well, what about TV?
581
00:47:40,726 --> 00:47:43,490
Listen, I pay you
ten percent to do that.
582
00:47:43,596 --> 00:47:47,157
Well, lick ten percent
of the asses for me, then!
583
00:47:47,266 --> 00:47:49,996
Hello? Hello? Hello?
584
00:47:50,102 --> 00:47:54,664
Hello? How dare you?
Fuck you!
585
00:47:57,176 --> 00:48:01,977
The bastard asked me to understudy
Constantine in The Seagull.
586
00:48:04,317 --> 00:48:08,447
I don't want to understudy anybody,
especially that little pimp.
587
00:48:09,956 --> 00:48:12,550
Anyway, I loathe
those Russian plays.
588
00:48:12,658 --> 00:48:15,559
Always full of women
staring out of windows,
589
00:48:15,661 --> 00:48:17,720
whining about ducks
going to Moscow.
590
00:48:28,441 --> 00:48:31,069
What do you think
of Desmond Wolfe?
591
00:48:31,177 --> 00:48:34,305
- In respect of what?
- I'm thinking of changing my name.
592
00:48:34,413 --> 00:48:37,576
It's too like Donald Wolfit.
593
00:48:37,683 --> 00:48:39,708
Changeover point.
594
00:48:44,323 --> 00:48:46,883
- Think he's happier than us?
- No.
595
00:48:52,064 --> 00:48:54,191
I suppose happiness
is relative.
596
00:48:54,300 --> 00:48:57,030
I never thought it would be
a polythene bag without a hole in it.
597
00:48:57,136 --> 00:49:00,264
- Hey!
- What's the matter with him?
598
00:49:00,373 --> 00:49:03,706
- Shut the gate!
- You didn't shut the gate!
599
00:49:03,809 --> 00:49:05,800
Stop that bull!
600
00:49:07,646 --> 00:49:09,944
Stop that bull!
601
00:49:13,252 --> 00:49:16,312
Grab its ring!
Keep your bag up!
602
00:49:16,422 --> 00:49:18,788
Out-mind him.
603
00:49:18,891 --> 00:49:21,917
Hey, show no fear.
Just run at it.
604
00:49:22,028 --> 00:49:24,360
That can't be sensible, can it?
The bastard's about to run at me!
605
00:49:24,463 --> 00:49:26,761
- Well, he's randy!
- Yes, I know he is!
606
00:49:26,866 --> 00:49:29,164
Wants to get down there
and have sex with those cows.
607
00:49:29,268 --> 00:49:31,395
Shut up!
608
00:49:31,504 --> 00:49:35,600
- Run at it, shouting!
- Do as he says, start shouting.
609
00:49:38,010 --> 00:49:41,673
- He won't gore you.
- A coward you are, Withnail!
610
00:49:41,781 --> 00:49:45,012
An expert on bulls
you are not!
611
00:49:57,463 --> 00:49:59,363
Shut that gate
and keep it shut!
612
00:50:02,268 --> 00:50:05,169
I think an evening at the Crow.
613
00:50:07,940 --> 00:50:11,774
If the Crow and Crown
ever had life, it was dead now.
614
00:50:11,877 --> 00:50:14,402
It was like
walking into a lung,
615
00:50:14,513 --> 00:50:18,745
a sulfer-stained, nicotine
yellow and fly-blown lung.
616
00:50:18,851 --> 00:50:22,981
Its landlord was a retired alcoholic
with military pretensions...
617
00:50:23,089 --> 00:50:25,455
and a complexion
like the inside of a teapot.
618
00:50:26,459 --> 00:50:29,724
By the time the doors opened,
he was arse-holed on rum...
619
00:50:29,829 --> 00:50:31,956
and got progressively
more arse-holed...
620
00:50:32,064 --> 00:50:35,329
till he could take no more
621
00:50:38,270 --> 00:50:40,966
We'll have another pair
of large scotches.
622
00:50:58,624 --> 00:51:01,559
Thought I was going
for a minute.
623
00:51:01,660 --> 00:51:03,651
No man's put me down yet.
624
00:51:03,762 --> 00:51:05,855
Have you had any training
in the martial arts?
625
00:51:05,965 --> 00:51:08,365
Yes, as a matter of fact,
I have.
626
00:51:08,467 --> 00:51:11,334
Before I became a journalist,
I was in the Territorials.
627
00:51:11,437 --> 00:51:14,235
You know,
when you first came in,
628
00:51:14,340 --> 00:51:17,309
I knew you were a services man.
629
00:51:17,409 --> 00:51:20,867
You could never, never disguise it.
630
00:51:23,482 --> 00:51:26,713
- What were you in?
- Tanks.
631
00:51:26,819 --> 00:51:30,084
Africa Corps.
Little before your time.
632
00:51:30,189 --> 00:51:32,919
I don't suppose you've
engaged, have you?
633
00:51:33,025 --> 00:51:37,189
- Ireland.
- Ooh, crack at the Mick?
634
00:51:37,296 --> 00:51:40,231
We'll have another pair
of large scotches.
635
00:51:40,332 --> 00:51:42,892
These shall be my pleasure.
636
00:51:48,274 --> 00:51:50,242
What are you doing
up here, then?
637
00:51:50,342 --> 00:51:52,310
We're doing
a feature for Country Life.
638
00:51:52,411 --> 00:51:54,311
Survey of rural types.
639
00:51:54,413 --> 00:51:58,747
You know, farmers,
traveling tinkers,
640
00:51:58,851 --> 00:52:01,217
milkmen, that sort of thing.
641
00:52:01,320 --> 00:52:03,220
Have you...
642
00:52:05,724 --> 00:52:07,851
Have you metJake?
643
00:52:07,960 --> 00:52:10,520
Poacher.
Works the lake.
644
00:52:10,629 --> 00:52:14,156
But, uh, keep it
under your hat, hmm?
645
00:52:25,010 --> 00:52:27,103
What's all this army bollocks?
646
00:52:27,213 --> 00:52:29,841
We got a drink, didn't we?
647
00:52:32,585 --> 00:52:35,145
Time, gentlemen.
648
00:52:37,489 --> 00:52:39,480
I think he means it.
649
00:53:10,556 --> 00:53:13,650
- Go ask him if we can have one.
- What for?
650
00:53:13,759 --> 00:53:17,388
So we can eat it.
We're fed up with stew!
651
00:53:23,736 --> 00:53:26,728
Excuse me.
Could we have an eel?
652
00:53:26,839 --> 00:53:30,434
- You've got eels down your leg.
- You leave them alone.
653
00:53:30,542 --> 00:53:34,376
Nothing down there
of interest to you.
654
00:53:34,480 --> 00:53:37,244
Help us out, Raymond.
655
00:53:37,349 --> 00:53:41,513
These be fed
from asshole to beak.
656
00:53:43,355 --> 00:53:47,382
How about one of those pheasants?
Go on, ask him.
657
00:53:49,161 --> 00:53:52,927
Excuse me. We were wondering if we
could purchase a pheasant off of you?
658
00:53:53,032 --> 00:53:55,364
No. I've got nothing to sell.
659
00:53:55,467 --> 00:53:58,436
Come on, old boy.
What's in your hump?
660
00:53:58,537 --> 00:54:03,440
Now look, you. Them pheasants are
for his pot. These here are for my pot.
661
00:54:03,542 --> 00:54:06,477
Now what makes you think I should
give you something for your pot?
662
00:54:06,578 --> 00:54:09,342
- What pot?
- Our cooking pot.
663
00:54:09,448 --> 00:54:13,145
He knows. Hey, give us
a wheeze on that fag.
664
00:54:16,955 --> 00:54:20,391
I might come and see you lads in a week.
I might fetch you up a rabbit.
665
00:54:20,492 --> 00:54:23,256
We don't want a rabbit.
We want a pheasant.
666
00:54:23,362 --> 00:54:26,388
Listen, you young prat.
I ain't got no pheasants.
667
00:54:26,498 --> 00:54:29,023
I ain't got no birds,
no more than you have.
668
00:54:29,134 --> 00:54:32,262
Of course you have.
You're the poacher.
669
00:54:32,371 --> 00:54:35,363
If I hear more words
out of you,
670
00:54:35,474 --> 00:54:38,705
I'll put one of these here
black pods on you.
671
00:54:38,811 --> 00:54:41,871
- Don't threaten me with a dead fish.
- Half dead, he may be.
672
00:54:41,980 --> 00:54:45,643
But I'll come up after you,
and I'll wake you up with a live one.
673
00:54:45,751 --> 00:54:49,710
Sod your pheasants!
You'll have to find us first.
674
00:54:49,822 --> 00:54:52,655
I know where you are,
at Crow Crag.
675
00:54:52,758 --> 00:54:54,851
I've been watching you.
676
00:54:54,960 --> 00:54:57,724
Especially you,
prancing like a tit.
677
00:54:59,498 --> 00:55:02,296
You want working on, boy.
678
00:55:02,401 --> 00:55:06,201
If I see that silage heap
hanging about up here,
679
00:55:06,305 --> 00:55:09,536
I'll take the bastard
axe to him!
680
00:55:09,641 --> 00:55:13,543
Bastards!
You'll all suffer!
681
00:55:13,645 --> 00:55:16,113
I'll show the lot of you!
682
00:55:16,215 --> 00:55:19,651
I'm gonna be a star!
683
00:55:23,455 --> 00:55:25,548
Vegetables again.
684
00:55:25,624 --> 00:55:28,286
I'll be sprouting
bloody feelers soon.
685
00:55:28,394 --> 00:55:31,261
Must be 20,000 sheep
out there on those volcanoes,
686
00:55:31,363 --> 00:55:33,957
and we got a plate
full of carrots.
687
00:55:34,066 --> 00:55:37,433
- There's black puddings in it.
- Black puddings are no good to us.
688
00:55:37,536 --> 00:55:40,334
I want something's flesh!
689
00:55:51,917 --> 00:55:54,681
Look! Come here!
Down here. Look.
690
00:55:54,787 --> 00:55:57,517
Under the rock. I can see it.
691
00:55:58,757 --> 00:56:01,453
See him? Look.
692
00:56:01,560 --> 00:56:03,790
He's over there.
Look. Here.
693
00:56:03,896 --> 00:56:06,729
There's two of them here.
Look. Come on, come on.
694
00:56:06,832 --> 00:56:08,993
Where?
695
00:56:32,124 --> 00:56:35,321
I think I'll call myself
Donald Twain.
696
00:56:36,428 --> 00:56:40,558
Stop. Get down.
697
00:56:42,134 --> 00:56:44,602
It's him.
What does he want?
698
00:56:44,703 --> 00:56:48,070
- Go down there and ask him.
- Don't be a fool. He's got a gun.
699
00:56:48,173 --> 00:56:50,835
Bastard's psychotic.
You've only got to look at him.
700
00:57:01,153 --> 00:57:04,384
This place has become impossible.
701
00:57:04,490 --> 00:57:07,948
Perpetual rain, freezing cold.
702
00:57:08,060 --> 00:57:10,824
Now a bloody madman
on the prowl outside with eels.
703
00:57:10,929 --> 00:57:13,693
All right,
you made your point.
704
00:57:13,799 --> 00:57:16,962
We pack up.
We get out tomorrow.
705
00:57:17,069 --> 00:57:19,162
- What are you doing?
- I'm going for a slash.
706
00:57:19,271 --> 00:57:21,865
No, you're not. I can't get
my boots on when they're hot.
707
00:57:21,974 --> 00:57:24,704
- I'll go alone.
- You're not leaving me in here alone.
708
00:57:24,810 --> 00:57:28,371
- Those are the kind of windows
faces look in at.
- Then I won't have a slash.
709
00:57:28,480 --> 00:57:30,710
And in both our interests, I think
we should sleep together tonight.
710
00:57:30,816 --> 00:57:33,876
Don't be ridiculous.
He's not gonna come up here in the dark.
711
00:57:33,986 --> 00:57:36,386
Of course he is.
If he catches one of us,
712
00:57:36,488 --> 00:57:39,218
he's got a better chance
of dealing with the other.
713
00:57:39,324 --> 00:57:41,918
No.
714
00:57:54,973 --> 00:57:58,340
What's the matter with you?
What are you laughing at?
715
00:57:58,443 --> 00:58:00,809
I was dreaming.
What do you want?
716
00:58:00,913 --> 00:58:04,371
You frightened the piss out of me.
Move over. I'm getting in.
717
00:58:08,921 --> 00:58:12,413
Oh, this is ridiculous.
I'll have to sleep in your bed.
718
00:58:12,524 --> 00:58:14,924
- I'll have to come with you.
- Will you get out?
719
00:58:15,027 --> 00:58:17,791
- No.
- All right, then I will.
720
00:58:26,238 --> 00:58:29,139
All right, you can stay,
but the gun doesn't.
721
00:58:29,241 --> 00:58:31,937
No. I have to keep the gun.
I intend to remain awake.
722
00:58:32,044 --> 00:58:34,638
- This is my bed,
and I demand precedence.
- No!
723
00:58:40,385 --> 00:58:43,616
Mad fucking bastard!
724
00:59:06,278 --> 00:59:09,247
Shhh! Shhh!
725
00:59:09,348 --> 00:59:12,476
- Listen.
- There is nothing! Get to bed!
726
00:59:12,584 --> 00:59:14,984
I heard a noise.
727
00:59:15,087 --> 00:59:16,987
I must get in.
728
00:59:18,790 --> 00:59:22,248
Oh, for fuck's sake.
729
00:59:22,361 --> 00:59:24,556
- What was that?
- That's it. That's it.
730
00:59:24,663 --> 00:59:27,257
- What is it?
- It's the killer.
731
00:59:27,366 --> 00:59:31,325
- It's probably foxes looking for grub.
- Listen. Listen.
732
00:59:31,436 --> 00:59:34,166
Maybe it's the farmer.
733
00:59:34,272 --> 00:59:38,106
At 2:00 in the morning?
It's the killer.
734
00:59:38,210 --> 00:59:41,702
He's come to kill us.
What are we gonna do?
735
00:59:44,282 --> 00:59:47,217
He wants to come in.
He's trying to get in.
736
00:59:47,319 --> 00:59:50,311
He can't. He'll go away.
737
00:59:50,422 --> 00:59:52,515
He's going away.
738
00:59:57,896 --> 01:00:00,023
This is all your fault.
739
01:00:00,132 --> 01:00:03,101
You've even given him
the fucking gun.
740
01:00:08,006 --> 01:00:11,203
He's coming through the window.
He's getting in.
741
01:00:11,309 --> 01:00:14,472
- Give me the matches.
- Downstairs.
742
01:00:16,148 --> 01:00:20,710
He's in.
He's sharpening a fucking knife.
743
01:00:22,921 --> 01:00:26,322
We'll have to tackle him. You stay
in bed, pretending to be asleep.
744
01:00:26,425 --> 01:00:29,326
He'll go for you.
When he does, I'll jump on his back.
745
01:00:29,428 --> 01:00:32,363
No, no, no. It'll be too late.
I'll be knifed by then.
746
01:00:32,464 --> 01:00:35,297
We'll have to try
and make friends with him.
747
01:00:41,339 --> 01:00:44,706
They're going into your room.
It's you he wants.
748
01:00:44,810 --> 01:00:47,973
Offer him yourself.
749
01:00:58,724 --> 01:01:02,057
We mean no harm!
750
01:01:02,160 --> 01:01:06,494
Oh, my boys!
My boys! Forgive me!
751
01:01:06,598 --> 01:01:10,694
- Monty! Monty, Monty!
- Monty, you terrible cunt!
752
01:01:10,802 --> 01:01:14,033
Forgive me. It was inconsiderate
of me not to have telegrammed.
753
01:01:14,139 --> 01:01:17,131
What are you doing, prowling around
in the middle of the fucking night!
754
01:01:17,242 --> 01:01:21,178
I had a punctured tire.
I had to wait an eon for assistance.
755
01:01:21,279 --> 01:01:24,578
I'm sorry if I frightened you.
I should have knocked, but...
756
01:01:24,683 --> 01:01:28,676
- l- l-I'll sleep
in the other room, if I may.
- Anywhere you like.
757
01:01:28,787 --> 01:01:32,279
Uh, yes, well.
Uh... good night.
758
01:01:36,461 --> 01:01:39,624
Brrr! Ah, good morning.
Did you sleep well?
759
01:01:39,731 --> 01:01:41,631
Mm-hmm.
760
01:01:46,204 --> 01:01:49,571
Um, l-l-I do apologize
for last night.
761
01:01:49,674 --> 01:01:53,576
- It was perfectly inconsiderate of me.
- It's perfectly all right, Monty.
762
01:01:53,678 --> 01:01:56,511
- You've been busy in here?
- As a bee.
763
01:01:56,615 --> 01:02:00,551
- How did you repair the window?
- Oh, I didn't break it.
764
01:02:00,652 --> 01:02:05,316
Merely forced it a little.
Sorry if I frightened you.
765
01:02:05,423 --> 01:02:08,517
There was an empty
wine bottle on the ledge.
766
01:02:08,627 --> 01:02:11,755
Oh, tomatoes. Yes.
767
01:02:17,402 --> 01:02:20,860
Why don't you go and wake him?
Breakfast in 15 minutes.
768
01:02:20,972 --> 01:02:25,306
The old order changeth,
769
01:02:25,410 --> 01:02:28,902
yielding place to new.
770
01:02:29,014 --> 01:02:33,747
And God fulfills Himself
in many ways.
771
01:02:33,852 --> 01:02:36,320
And soon...
772
01:02:37,422 --> 01:02:39,720
I suppose...
773
01:02:39,825 --> 01:02:41,918
I shall be swept away...
774
01:02:42,027 --> 01:02:45,326
by some vulgar little tumor.
775
01:02:46,798 --> 01:02:49,232
Oh, my boys.
776
01:02:49,334 --> 01:02:52,792
My boys,
we're at the end of an age.
777
01:02:52,904 --> 01:02:56,203
We live in a land
of weather forecasts...
778
01:02:56,308 --> 01:02:59,209
and breakfasts that 'set in,'
779
01:02:59,311 --> 01:03:03,247
shat on by Tories,
shoveled up by Labor.
780
01:03:03,348 --> 01:03:07,148
And here we are... we three...
781
01:03:07,252 --> 01:03:11,655
perhaps the last island
of beauty in the world.
782
01:03:14,759 --> 01:03:18,627
Now, which of you is going to be
a splendid fellow...
783
01:03:18,730 --> 01:03:21,722
and go down to the Rolls
for the rest of the wine?
784
01:03:21,833 --> 01:03:25,098
- I will.
- No, I'd better go.
I wanna dig the car out anyway.
785
01:03:25,203 --> 01:03:28,969
- But we have my car, dear boy.
- Yes, but if it rains, we're buggered.
786
01:03:29,074 --> 01:03:31,406
- I mean...
- Stranded!
787
01:03:31,509 --> 01:03:35,001
- We'll leave the car till later.
Leave this to me.
- I'll come. I fancy a walk.
788
01:03:35,113 --> 01:03:38,947
No, I hear you're
a little wizard in the kitchen.
I shall need you, to work the joint.
789
01:03:39,050 --> 01:03:43,919
- Yeah, you're the cook.
- And... what on earth are those?
790
01:03:44,022 --> 01:03:46,354
- We forgot to bring our Wellingtons.
- Oh, but how dreadful.
791
01:03:46,458 --> 01:03:49,689
Do you mean you've been up here
in all this beastly mud and oomska
without Wellingtons?
792
01:03:49,794 --> 01:03:52,592
Well, this afternoon
I shall take you both into Penrith...
793
01:03:52,697 --> 01:03:56,326
and get you fitted with some
good quality rubber boots.
794
01:03:59,938 --> 01:04:03,430
Garlic, rosemary and salt.
795
01:04:05,176 --> 01:04:08,168
I brought two of these in case either
of you was any good in the kitchen.
796
01:04:08,280 --> 01:04:11,545
- I'm not.
- Of course you are. Cooking
is one of the natural instincts.
797
01:04:11,650 --> 01:04:15,381
Listen, Monty.
This is all very kind of you,
798
01:04:15,487 --> 01:04:17,955
but I really think I ought to be
out there getting work done on the car.
799
01:04:18,056 --> 01:04:20,650
You haven't time.
We're taking late luncheon at 3:00.
800
01:04:20,759 --> 01:04:23,819
- I'm afraid we have to leave
by 3:00, Monty.
- Leave?
801
01:04:23,929 --> 01:04:26,796
Oh, didn't he tell you?
We have to get back to sign on.
802
01:04:26,898 --> 01:04:32,393
- Sign on? At the Labor Exchange?
- Yeah.
803
01:04:32,504 --> 01:04:36,873
It's sort of fashionable, actually.
All the actors do it. Even Redgrave.
804
01:04:38,543 --> 01:04:42,912
But surely you could forego
for just this one occasion.
805
01:04:43,014 --> 01:04:45,847
I've come a very long way
to see you both.
806
01:04:45,951 --> 01:04:50,888
Can't, actually. I mean,
I'd love to stay, but he's more
adamant to get back than I am.
807
01:04:50,989 --> 01:04:54,117
Then we must choose
our moment...
808
01:04:56,361 --> 01:04:59,626
and have a word with him.
809
01:05:02,233 --> 01:05:04,997
I'm sure together
we could persuade him.
810
01:05:07,572 --> 01:05:11,064
There. Now, garlic,
811
01:05:11,176 --> 01:05:13,838
rosemary and salt.
812
01:05:13,945 --> 01:05:17,142
I can never touch meat
until it's cooked.
813
01:05:17,248 --> 01:05:20,513
As a youth, I used to weep
in butcher shops.
814
01:05:20,618 --> 01:05:23,781
- I can't find the rosemary.
- Ah.
815
01:05:25,857 --> 01:05:28,724
Can't find the rosemary.
816
01:05:30,395 --> 01:05:32,363
I'm sure we could find it
together.
817
01:05:35,266 --> 01:05:38,360
- Perhaps it's in the other bag.
- Perhaps it is.
818
01:05:38,470 --> 01:05:40,370
Shall we look?
819
01:05:44,209 --> 01:05:46,734
Oh, sorry. Sherry's in there.
820
01:05:52,217 --> 01:05:55,277
What do you mean, "sorry"? What's
going on? What's he doing here?
821
01:05:55,387 --> 01:05:57,651
We can't stay.
He won't leave me alone.
822
01:05:57,756 --> 01:06:00,156
All right. We'll get the lunch done,
and then we'll leave.
823
01:06:01,893 --> 01:06:05,454
I'm afraid
we must drink from these.
824
01:06:10,535 --> 01:06:13,800
I trust their shapes
will not offend your palates.
825
01:06:13,905 --> 01:06:18,308
- Chin-chin.
- To a delightful weekend in the country.
826
01:06:42,834 --> 01:06:45,166
I do think you could have shaved.
827
01:06:45,270 --> 01:06:48,364
What on earth will people
think of me turning up with you two?
828
01:06:48,473 --> 01:06:50,771
You look like a pair
of farm hands.
829
01:06:56,848 --> 01:06:58,748
Tsk!
830
01:06:58,850 --> 01:07:00,750
This is most embarrassing.
831
01:07:02,987 --> 01:07:05,455
Get away from the car.
832
01:07:05,557 --> 01:07:08,458
Buy the Wellingtons.
833
01:07:08,560 --> 01:07:11,961
I'm going to buy some razors
and shaving soap.
834
01:07:12,063 --> 01:07:14,827
I'll see you over there
in half an hour.
835
01:07:14,933 --> 01:07:17,834
- Pair of blues.
- One each.
836
01:07:19,337 --> 01:07:21,805
- I think a drink, don't you?
- What about the Wellingtons?
837
01:07:21,906 --> 01:07:23,806
Oh, bollocks
to the Wellingtons.
838
01:07:23,908 --> 01:07:26,809
We'll tell them they had a farmer's
conference and had a run on them.
839
01:07:36,287 --> 01:07:39,381
Okay. Yeah. Promise.
840
01:07:39,491 --> 01:07:41,857
Bye.
841
01:07:45,163 --> 01:07:50,123
No, hasn't heard a thing.
Apparently, they're still seeing people.
842
01:07:50,235 --> 01:07:53,227
You don't want to go to Manchester
anyway. Play a bloody soldier?
843
01:07:53,338 --> 01:07:55,670
Don't I?
I damned well do.
844
01:07:55,773 --> 01:07:58,469
- It's a bloody good little theater.
- It's not much of a part, is it?
845
01:07:58,576 --> 01:08:00,544
Well, it's better than nothing.
846
01:08:00,645 --> 01:08:04,046
- They'll make you cut your hair.
- So what? You'd lose a leg.
847
01:08:04,149 --> 01:08:07,118
- Time gents, please.
- All right. We're gonna
have to work quickly.
848
01:08:07,218 --> 01:08:10,881
A pair of quadruple whiskies
and another pair of pints, please.
849
01:08:15,059 --> 01:08:18,551
Where is he?
I'm utterly assholed.
850
01:08:18,663 --> 01:08:20,563
We're early.
851
01:08:22,567 --> 01:08:25,365
We want to get in there,
don't we?
852
01:08:25,470 --> 01:08:28,303
Eat some cake,
soak up the booze.
853
01:08:39,584 --> 01:08:41,882
- All right here?
- What do you want?
854
01:08:41,986 --> 01:08:46,116
- Cake. All right here?
- Uh, no. We're closing in a minute.
855
01:08:46,224 --> 01:08:48,624
We're leaving in a minute.
856
01:08:53,765 --> 01:08:57,963
- We want cake and tea.
- Didn't you hear?
857
01:08:58,069 --> 01:09:01,334
She said she'd closed.
What do you want in here?
858
01:09:01,439 --> 01:09:04,966
Cake.
What's it got to do with you?
859
01:09:05,076 --> 01:09:07,772
I happen to be the proprietor.
860
01:09:07,879 --> 01:09:10,313
Now, would you leave?
861
01:09:10,415 --> 01:09:13,612
Ah, I'm glad
you're the proprietor.
862
01:09:13,718 --> 01:09:16,653
I was gonna have to have
a word with you anyway.
863
01:09:16,754 --> 01:09:19,188
We're working on a film up here.
864
01:09:19,290 --> 01:09:21,815
Location, see.
865
01:09:21,926 --> 01:09:24,588
We might want to do
a film in here.
866
01:09:24,696 --> 01:09:29,326
- You're drunk.
- Just bring out the cakes.
Cake and fine wine.
867
01:09:29,434 --> 01:09:32,767
- If you don't leave,
we'll call the police.
- Balls!
868
01:09:32,870 --> 01:09:35,498
We want the finest wines
available to humanity.
869
01:09:35,607 --> 01:09:37,973
And we want them here,
and we want them now.
870
01:09:38,076 --> 01:09:40,442
Miss Blenehassitt, telephone the police.
871
01:09:40,545 --> 01:09:44,948
It's all right,
Miss Blenehassitt.
872
01:09:45,049 --> 01:09:49,247
I'm warning you,
if you do, you're fired.
873
01:09:49,354 --> 01:09:51,845
We're multimillionaires.
874
01:09:51,956 --> 01:09:54,288
We shall buy this place
and fire you immediately.
875
01:09:54,392 --> 01:09:59,329
Yes, we'll buy this place, and we'll
install a fucking jukebox in here...
876
01:09:59,430 --> 01:10:02,957
and liven
all of you stiffs up a bit.
877
01:10:03,067 --> 01:10:05,433
The police, Miss Blenehassitt.
878
01:10:05,536 --> 01:10:09,495
Just say there are a couple of drunks
in the Penrith Tea Rooms,
and we want them removed.
879
01:10:09,607 --> 01:10:12,974
We are not drunks.
We are multimillionaires.
880
01:10:13,077 --> 01:10:16,478
Hurry up, Mabs.
We'll keep them here till they arrive.
881
01:10:16,581 --> 01:10:18,742
You won't keep us anywhere.
882
01:10:18,850 --> 01:10:20,977
We'll buy this place
and have it knocked down.
883
01:10:21,085 --> 01:10:23,383
- Right, right, right.
- Police, please.
884
01:10:23,488 --> 01:10:26,116
Right. We're going.
885
01:10:26,224 --> 01:10:29,216
Our car has arrived.
886
01:10:29,327 --> 01:10:31,852
We'll be back.
887
01:10:31,963 --> 01:10:35,956
We're coming back in here.
888
01:10:40,972 --> 01:10:43,634
- Where is he?
- Sulking up the hill.
889
01:10:43,741 --> 01:10:46,107
He says he won't come in
for lunch without an apology.
890
01:10:46,210 --> 01:10:48,610
Suits me.
He can eat his fucking radish.
891
01:10:50,381 --> 01:10:52,281
It's all your fault.
892
01:10:52,383 --> 01:10:56,285
- You lead him astray.
- I beg your pardon, Monty.
893
01:10:56,387 --> 01:11:00,517
Don't tell me you're not aware of it.
I know what you're up to, and so do you.
894
01:11:00,625 --> 01:11:04,117
- Sherry?
- Sherry? Oh, dear, no, no, no.
895
01:11:04,228 --> 01:11:08,790
I'd be sucked into his trap.
One of us has got to stay on guard.
896
01:11:08,900 --> 01:11:12,063
He's so mauve.
We don't know what he's planning.
897
01:11:22,613 --> 01:11:25,844
I'm preparing myself
to forgive you.
898
01:11:27,819 --> 01:11:30,754
I think
you've been punished enough.
899
01:11:32,490 --> 01:11:35,857
I think we'd better release you
from the légumes...
900
01:11:35,960 --> 01:11:38,451
and transfer your talents
to the meat.
901
01:11:45,937 --> 01:11:48,770
You shouldn't treat each other
so badly.
902
01:11:48,873 --> 01:11:51,967
This boy's been out there
frozen to the marrow,
903
01:11:52,076 --> 01:11:54,476
and you just sit in here
drinking.
904
01:11:54,579 --> 01:11:58,709
Come along. He's going
to revitalize himself, and you're
going to finish the vegetables.
905
01:11:58,816 --> 01:12:01,250
- I don't know how to do them.
- Well, of course you don't.
906
01:12:01,352 --> 01:12:03,752
You are incapable of indulging
in anything but pleasure.
907
01:12:03,855 --> 01:12:06,790
Am I not right?
You don't deserve such loyalty.
908
01:12:06,891 --> 01:12:11,521
Now, come along. I'm going
to teach you how to peel a potato.
909
01:12:16,868 --> 01:12:20,099
Isn't it stimulating, getting back
to a basic sort of life for a while?
910
01:12:20,204 --> 01:12:22,968
- Yes.
- Surrounded by trees and nature,
911
01:12:23,074 --> 01:12:26,066
one feels a glorious stirring
of the senses...
912
01:12:26,177 --> 01:12:28,475
a rejection
of poisonous inhibition...
913
01:12:28,579 --> 01:12:31,070
and a fecund motion of the soul.
914
01:12:31,182 --> 01:12:36,245
Except, of course, the problems
tend to take the edge off the pleasure.
915
01:12:36,354 --> 01:12:40,848
I mean, with no proper facilities.
916
01:12:40,958 --> 01:12:44,655
All the glorious trials
of youth, dear boy.
917
01:12:44,762 --> 01:12:50,428
When I was a lad, I'd rocket off
on my tandem with Wrigglesworth,
and we'd just ride and ride.
918
01:12:50,535 --> 01:12:55,302
And at night we'd find
some barn and fall asleep,
919
01:12:55,406 --> 01:12:58,967
with the perfumes of nature
sighing on our skin.
920
01:12:59,076 --> 01:13:02,603
Would it be in bad form
to plagiarize a toast?
921
01:13:02,713 --> 01:13:05,546
It depends entirely
on the quality of the wine.
922
01:13:05,650 --> 01:13:08,915
In this instance,
it most certainly would not.
923
01:13:09,020 --> 01:13:13,582
In that case, to a delightful
weekend in the country.
924
01:13:13,691 --> 01:13:15,591
Oh, splendid!
925
01:13:19,464 --> 01:13:22,262
We expected a volley of argument
concerning Mr. Redgrave.
926
01:13:22,366 --> 01:13:26,029
- We're forgetting aboutJake...
- Not another word.
927
01:13:26,137 --> 01:13:28,332
Not another word.
Jake can wait too.
928
01:13:28,439 --> 01:13:31,897
Jake isn't a friend, Monty.
I'd hoped to avoid telling you this,
929
01:13:32,009 --> 01:13:34,773
but there's a psychotic
on the prowl outside this house.
930
01:13:34,879 --> 01:13:38,713
Ask him if I exaggerate.
He's threatened us, and he's dangerous.
931
01:13:38,816 --> 01:13:40,841
Is this true?
932
01:13:40,952 --> 01:13:44,012
Well, there's this local type
hanging about.
933
01:13:44,121 --> 01:13:48,581
A poacher. We got into a tiff,
and he threatened me with a dead fish.
934
01:13:48,693 --> 01:13:51,457
Yes, it was rather amusing, actually.
935
01:13:51,562 --> 01:13:54,759
When you came in,
we thought it was him.
936
01:13:54,866 --> 01:13:58,962
And we thought that you
cleaning your boots...
937
01:13:59,070 --> 01:14:00,970
was him sharpening his knife.
938
01:14:03,774 --> 01:14:06,902
Oh, how delicious.
939
01:14:07,011 --> 01:14:10,538
Mmm, more meat?
940
01:14:10,648 --> 01:14:13,116
No, thank you.
I'll go out for a walk.
941
01:14:13,217 --> 01:14:17,244
Oh, wait for us to finish,
dear boy. We'll all go.
942
01:14:19,690 --> 01:14:23,786
Listen, I know what you're thinking,
but I had no alternative.
943
01:14:23,895 --> 01:14:26,659
The old bugger's come a long way, and
I didn't want to put the wind up him.
944
01:14:26,764 --> 01:14:28,925
Your sensitivity overwhelms me.
945
01:14:29,033 --> 01:14:32,560
If you think you're gonna have
a weekend's indulgence at his expense,
946
01:14:32,670 --> 01:14:35,230
which means him having
a weekend's indulgence at my expense,
947
01:14:35,339 --> 01:14:37,569
- you've got another thing coming.
- I give you my word.
948
01:14:37,675 --> 01:14:40,439
- We'll leave first thing
tomorrow morning.
- Tomorrow? What about tonight?
949
01:14:40,545 --> 01:14:42,945
- He's not gonna try anything.
- Of course he is!
950
01:14:43,047 --> 01:14:46,881
- He means business.
- Anyway, he sent me out
to tell you coffee's ready.
951
01:14:46,984 --> 01:14:50,385
I couldn't drink it. I've got
a cramp in the mouth from grinning.
952
01:14:50,488 --> 01:14:52,956
- Well, stop smiling at him.
- I can't help it.
953
01:14:53,057 --> 01:14:56,151
I'm so uptight with him,
I can't stop myself.
954
01:14:58,329 --> 01:15:02,129
"Laisse-moir respirir,
955
01:15:02,199 --> 01:15:07,102
longtemps longtemps
L 'odeur de tes cheveux. "
956
01:15:07,204 --> 01:15:10,367
Ah, Baudelaire.
957
01:15:10,474 --> 01:15:14,137
Brings back such memories
of Oxford!
958
01:15:14,245 --> 01:15:16,236
Oh, Oxford!
959
01:15:16,347 --> 01:15:19,874
Followed by yet another
anecdote about his sensitive crimes...
960
01:15:19,984 --> 01:15:22,145
in a punt with a chap
called Norman...
961
01:15:22,253 --> 01:15:24,153
who had red hair
and a book of poetry...
962
01:15:24,255 --> 01:15:26,382
stained with the butter drips
from crumpets.
963
01:15:26,490 --> 01:15:29,584
I often wonder
where Norman is now.
964
01:15:29,694 --> 01:15:31,992
Probably wintering
with his mother in Guildford.
965
01:15:32,096 --> 01:15:33,996
A cat and rain.
966
01:15:34,098 --> 01:15:35,998
Vim under the sink.
967
01:15:36,100 --> 01:15:39,126
And both bars on.
968
01:15:39,236 --> 01:15:42,137
But old now... old.
969
01:15:42,239 --> 01:15:44,901
There can be no true beauty
without decay.
970
01:15:45,009 --> 01:15:50,504
"A requiem for England."
- How right you are. How right you are.
971
01:15:50,615 --> 01:15:54,107
We live in a kingdom of rains...
972
01:15:54,218 --> 01:15:58,018
where royalty comes in gangs.
973
01:15:58,122 --> 01:16:01,455
Come on, lads. Let's get home.
The sky is beginning to bruise.
974
01:16:01,559 --> 01:16:05,086
Night must fall,
and we shall be forced to camp.
975
01:16:06,731 --> 01:16:09,291
He's not in my room, all right?
That's the condition, all right?
976
01:16:09,400 --> 01:16:11,868
- All right.
- I want the room with the lock.
Agree to that, or I'm off.
977
01:16:11,969 --> 01:16:13,869
All right. All right.
978
01:16:21,278 --> 01:16:25,214
Good ol'Jake, eh?
I told you. He's back.
979
01:16:25,316 --> 01:16:28,217
And that's precisely the reason
I'm off to London.
980
01:16:28,319 --> 01:16:31,015
Let's all have a good laugh,
eh, Withnail?
981
01:16:31,122 --> 01:16:34,216
Good ol'Jake is back.
982
01:16:34,325 --> 01:16:36,759
He's going away.
He's leaving.
983
01:16:36,861 --> 01:16:40,058
Come on. Let's pack up and get out
of here before it gets dark.
984
01:16:57,548 --> 01:17:01,279
"Here hare, here."
985
01:17:02,386 --> 01:17:04,650
"Here hare, here."
986
01:17:04,755 --> 01:17:06,655
Good ol'Jake.
987
01:17:16,000 --> 01:17:20,960
Ace bets.
Ace bets two and it's over to you.
988
01:17:21,038 --> 01:17:24,735
Your two and up two.
989
01:17:24,842 --> 01:17:26,742
- Mmm.
- So that's four?
990
01:17:26,844 --> 01:17:29,039
That's four.
991
01:17:30,981 --> 01:17:36,544
- Four.
- This is for the raise.
We'll see the two.
992
01:17:36,654 --> 01:17:39,589
Now, last card up.
993
01:17:39,690 --> 01:17:41,715
"Looking a bit lonely, isn't he?"
994
01:17:41,826 --> 01:17:44,852
" He needs a queen
to come to the rescue."
995
01:17:47,331 --> 01:17:50,061
And... oh!
996
01:17:53,037 --> 01:17:55,597
There she is.
997
01:17:55,706 --> 01:17:59,142
Oh!
998
01:18:03,380 --> 01:18:06,508
Well, it's the two queens
to beat.
999
01:18:20,531 --> 01:18:22,726
Another hand?
1000
01:18:26,604 --> 01:18:29,573
I think we'd better
get him to bed.
1001
01:18:29,673 --> 01:18:32,107
No, no. He's down here.
1002
01:18:34,478 --> 01:18:36,708
You're in my room,
I'm in his room and he's down here.
1003
01:18:36,814 --> 01:18:40,910
I wouldn't dream of depriving
the dear fellow of his bed,
especially in that condition.
1004
01:18:41,018 --> 01:18:43,714
- But it's agreed. It's what he wants.
- No, I don't.
1005
01:18:43,821 --> 01:18:45,721
I wanna get to bed.
1006
01:18:47,291 --> 01:18:50,260
All right then, lovey.
Let's get you to bed.
1007
01:18:50,361 --> 01:18:52,795
Early night will do us both good.
1008
01:18:54,932 --> 01:18:59,028
- Night-night, then, Monty.
- I want to be alone!
1009
01:19:01,806 --> 01:19:03,706
I wanna be alone.
1010
01:19:26,163 --> 01:19:28,723
I think he'd better
sleep alone tonight.
1011
01:19:30,868 --> 01:19:35,305
- He doesn't want to sleep with you.
- Right.
1012
01:19:35,406 --> 01:19:38,898
Well, you're in there,
1013
01:19:39,009 --> 01:19:41,477
and I'll take these
and I'll have the couch.
1014
01:19:42,980 --> 01:19:45,414
I'll say good night, then, Monty.
1015
01:19:45,516 --> 01:19:49,748
You already have... twice.
1016
01:20:18,349 --> 01:20:21,910
What is it, Monty? I'm terribly tired.
I need to go to sleep.
1017
01:20:22,019 --> 01:20:25,455
But not that tired, eh?
1018
01:20:30,594 --> 01:20:35,588
- Are you a sponge or a stone?
- What do you mean?
1019
01:20:35,699 --> 01:20:39,191
Do you like to experience
all facets of life?
1020
01:20:39,303 --> 01:20:42,795
Or do you shut yourself off
from new experience?
1021
01:20:42,907 --> 01:20:45,171
- I voted Conservative.
- Are you faithful?
1022
01:20:45,276 --> 01:20:48,712
- To whom?
- Faithfulness isn't selective.
1023
01:20:48,812 --> 01:20:52,748
I agree. It's more a question of
selecting to whom one will be faithful.
1024
01:20:52,850 --> 01:20:57,048
- Have you selected?
- I'm terribly tired.
1025
01:20:57,154 --> 01:21:01,090
I've been watching you
all evening.
1026
01:21:01,191 --> 01:21:04,354
You've been avoiding my eyes,
haven't you?
1027
01:21:04,461 --> 01:21:06,861
- Your eyes?
- Mmm.
1028
01:21:06,964 --> 01:21:10,331
At luncheon, you couldn't tear
your gaze from mine.
1029
01:21:10,434 --> 01:21:12,994
This evening,
you barely looked at me.
1030
01:21:13,103 --> 01:21:15,264
What did he say to you?
1031
01:21:15,372 --> 01:21:18,239
- Nothing.
- You can tell me.
1032
01:21:18,342 --> 01:21:20,970
I assure you, nothing, M-Monty.
1033
01:21:21,078 --> 01:21:24,980
I'm terribly tired.
I need to go to bed.
1034
01:21:25,082 --> 01:21:28,017
Yes, you must, mustn't you?
1035
01:21:28,118 --> 01:21:30,746
Off you go, then.
1036
01:21:30,854 --> 01:21:32,947
I'll sleep here.
1037
01:21:33,057 --> 01:21:37,084
It won't be the first time
I've been left with the couch.
1038
01:21:54,004 --> 01:21:56,495
Boy.
1039
01:21:58,409 --> 01:22:01,207
Boy.
1040
01:22:01,311 --> 01:22:05,338
I know you're not asleep, boy.
1041
01:22:05,449 --> 01:22:09,283
But he is.
1042
01:22:09,386 --> 01:22:12,981
I've been into his room.
1043
01:22:13,090 --> 01:22:15,888
He won't hear a thing.
1044
01:22:18,862 --> 01:22:20,762
I know you're not asleep, boy.
1045
01:22:20,864 --> 01:22:24,027
No, I'm not.
What is it, Monty?
1046
01:22:24,134 --> 01:22:28,093
What do you want?
1047
01:22:28,205 --> 01:22:32,039
I had to come.
I tried not to.
1048
01:22:32,142 --> 01:22:34,770
Oh, how I tried not to.
1049
01:22:34,878 --> 01:22:37,176
Monty, there's something
I have to explain to you.
1050
01:22:37,281 --> 01:22:39,681
You needn't explain.
He's told me everything.
1051
01:22:39,783 --> 01:22:41,683
He told me that
first day you came to Chelsea.
1052
01:22:41,785 --> 01:22:46,313
- What's he told you?
- He told me about your arrest
in the Tottenham Court Road.
1053
01:22:46,423 --> 01:22:48,891
He told me about your problems,
1054
01:22:48,992 --> 01:22:51,722
how you feel, your desires.
1055
01:22:51,829 --> 01:22:55,560
- Problems? What problems?
- You are a toilet trader.
1056
01:22:55,666 --> 01:22:58,294
- He told you that?
- You mustn't blame him.
1057
01:22:58,402 --> 01:23:02,566
You mustn't blame yourself. I know
how you feel and how difficult it is.
1058
01:23:02,673 --> 01:23:07,940
And that's why you mustn't hold back,
let it ruin your youth as I nearly did
over Eric.
1059
01:23:08,045 --> 01:23:11,105
It's like a tide.
Give in to it, boy.
1060
01:23:11,215 --> 01:23:15,618
Go with it.
It's society's crime, not ours.
1061
01:23:15,719 --> 01:23:18,847
- I'm not homosexual, Monty.
- Yes, you are!
1062
01:23:18,956 --> 01:23:22,687
Of course you are. You're
simply blackmailing your emotions...
1063
01:23:22,793 --> 01:23:25,455
to avoid the realities
of your relationship with him.
1064
01:23:25,562 --> 01:23:28,690
- What are you talking about?
- You love him.
1065
01:23:28,799 --> 01:23:31,199
And it isn't his fault
he cannot love you...
1066
01:23:31,301 --> 01:23:34,327
any more than it's mine
that I adore you.
1067
01:23:38,108 --> 01:23:41,271
Couldn't we allow ourselves
just this one moment of indiscretion?
1068
01:23:41,378 --> 01:23:43,278
- No!
- He need never know.
1069
01:23:43,380 --> 01:23:46,474
I don't care what he knows! Monty,
you've gotta go! You've gotta leave!
1070
01:23:46,583 --> 01:23:49,108
If you want to humiliate me,
humiliate me.
1071
01:23:49,219 --> 01:23:51,153
I adore you.
1072
01:23:51,255 --> 01:23:53,951
Tell him, if you must.
I no longer care.
1073
01:23:54,057 --> 01:23:58,016
I mean to have you,
even if it must be burglary!
1074
01:23:59,863 --> 01:24:01,763
It's not me, it's him!
1075
01:24:07,805 --> 01:24:10,330
He lied to you.
We're an affair.
1076
01:24:10,440 --> 01:24:13,170
We have been for years,
but he doesn't want you to know.
1077
01:24:13,277 --> 01:24:17,179
He doesn't want anybody to know.
We're both in it.
We're obsessed with each other.
1078
01:24:17,281 --> 01:24:20,910
But he's ashamed. He refuses
to come out and accept what he is.
1079
01:24:21,018 --> 01:24:23,816
That's why he's rejecting me
while you're here.
1080
01:24:23,921 --> 01:24:28,688
On my life, Monty, this is the first
night we haven't slept together
for six years.
1081
01:24:28,792 --> 01:24:30,817
I can't cheat on him.
It would kill him.
1082
01:24:30,928 --> 01:24:34,364
But he told me you were in purgatory
because he couldn't love you.
1083
01:24:34,464 --> 01:24:37,456
He's lying. Lying!
1084
01:24:37,568 --> 01:24:41,834
Oh, my dear boy.
1085
01:24:41,939 --> 01:24:45,067
If I had known that, I would never
have attempted to come between you.
1086
01:24:45,175 --> 01:24:47,609
I know that, Monty.
1087
01:24:47,711 --> 01:24:50,179
I respect you
for your sensitivity.
1088
01:24:50,280 --> 01:24:52,544
I thank you for it,
1089
01:24:52,649 --> 01:24:54,913
but you must leave.
1090
01:24:57,154 --> 01:25:00,282
Yes.
1091
01:25:00,390 --> 01:25:03,757
Yes. You'd better go to him.
1092
01:25:03,861 --> 01:25:06,056
Oh, I intend to.
1093
01:25:06,163 --> 01:25:08,290
This instant.
1094
01:25:08,732 --> 01:25:12,065
Withnail, you bastard. Wake up.
1095
01:25:12,135 --> 01:25:17,163
Wake up, you bastard,
or I'll burn this bastard bed down.
1096
01:25:17,274 --> 01:25:21,734
I deny all accusations.
What do you want?
1097
01:25:21,845 --> 01:25:24,075
I have just narrowly avoided
having a buggering.
1098
01:25:24,181 --> 01:25:27,150
I've come in here with the express
intention of wishing one on you.
1099
01:25:27,251 --> 01:25:29,811
Having said that, I now intend
to leave for London.
1100
01:25:29,920 --> 01:25:32,445
Hold on. Don't let your
imagination run away with you.
1101
01:25:32,556 --> 01:25:34,854
Imagination? I just finished
fighting a naked man.
1102
01:25:34,958 --> 01:25:37,426
How dare you tell him
I'm a toilet trader!
1103
01:25:37,527 --> 01:25:40,087
It was a tactical necessity.
1104
01:25:40,197 --> 01:25:43,030
If I hadn't told him you were active,
we'd never have got the cottage.
1105
01:25:43,133 --> 01:25:45,033
I never have wanted it...
not with him in it!
1106
01:25:45,135 --> 01:25:48,901
Geez. He'd come all this way.
1107
01:25:49,006 --> 01:25:53,306
- Monty? He'd go to New York.
- It was a calculated risk.
1108
01:25:53,410 --> 01:25:56,004
What is all this tactical
necessity and calculated risk?
1109
01:25:56,113 --> 01:25:58,809
This is me naked in a corner!
1110
01:25:58,916 --> 01:26:01,510
And how dare you tell him
I love you.
1111
01:26:01,618 --> 01:26:04,451
And how dare you tell him
you rejected me.
1112
01:26:04,554 --> 01:26:07,489
- How dare you tell him that!
- Sorry about that.
1113
01:26:07,591 --> 01:26:10,958
Got a bit carried away.
Sort of said it without thinking.
1114
01:26:11,061 --> 01:26:14,588
Let me tell you something, Withnail.
If he comes into my room again,
it's murder,
1115
01:26:14,698 --> 01:26:17,690
and you will be held
responsible in law.
1116
01:26:23,640 --> 01:26:26,837
"Perhaps it is appropriate justice
for the eavesdropper...
1117
01:26:26,944 --> 01:26:30,311
"that he should leave
as his trade determines...
1118
01:26:30,414 --> 01:26:34,510
"in secrecy and in the dead of night.
1119
01:26:34,618 --> 01:26:38,315
- "I do sincerely hope that
you will find the happiness...
1120
01:26:38,422 --> 01:26:41,983
"which, alas,
has always been denied to me.
1121
01:26:43,927 --> 01:26:46,987
"I am yours ever faithfully,
1122
01:26:47,097 --> 01:26:48,997
Montague H. Withnail."
1123
01:26:50,701 --> 01:26:53,135
Poor old bastard.
1124
01:26:53,236 --> 01:26:55,136
I would say...
1125
01:26:56,673 --> 01:27:00,769
that that represents
a degree of hypocrisy...
1126
01:27:00,877 --> 01:27:05,473
I've hitherto suspected in you but not
noticed, due to highly evasive skills.
1127
01:27:05,582 --> 01:27:09,541
Christ, Withnail.
You'll suffer for this.
1128
01:27:09,653 --> 01:27:12,087
What you have done
will have to be paid for.
1129
01:27:12,189 --> 01:27:14,157
I will say one thing for Monty.
1130
01:27:14,257 --> 01:27:16,452
He keeps a sensational cellar.
1131
01:27:26,269 --> 01:27:28,897
- Who's there?
- Telegram.
1132
01:27:52,896 --> 01:27:55,330
Well done.
1133
01:27:55,432 --> 01:27:59,334
Well, it doesn't mean
to say I've got it. They probably
just want to see me again.
1134
01:28:02,305 --> 01:28:05,365
Well, that settles it, then.
We'll leave immediately.
1135
01:28:05,475 --> 01:28:08,239
What?
1136
01:28:08,345 --> 01:28:11,508
- Get your kit together.
We're leaving in half an hour.
- Half an hour?
1137
01:28:11,615 --> 01:28:14,516
Don't be ridiculous.
I need at least an hour for lunch.
1138
01:28:23,293 --> 01:28:27,252
You've got a truck coming up.
About 200 yards.
1139
01:28:27,364 --> 01:28:30,959
Followed by a left slow hander.
1140
01:28:31,068 --> 01:28:33,901
This is insanity!
I can't keep this up!
1141
01:28:34,004 --> 01:28:37,565
Stay in this lane.
Bear right. Bear right.
1142
01:28:37,674 --> 01:28:40,234
What lane? What lane?
I can't see the fucking lane.
1143
01:28:40,343 --> 01:28:42,777
Bear right! Bear right!
Bear right!
1144
01:28:45,749 --> 01:28:50,152
That's it. Next garage, I've gotta
do something about that wiper.
1145
01:28:50,253 --> 01:28:53,984
And I've got to get some sleep.
1146
01:29:20,750 --> 01:29:24,151
- What's going on?
- I'm making time.
1147
01:29:38,201 --> 01:29:41,637
Are you out of your mind? Pull over.
You haven't got a license.
1148
01:29:41,738 --> 01:29:43,706
No. I'm making time.
1149
01:29:54,217 --> 01:29:56,617
- Where are we?
- We're approaching London.
1150
01:29:59,789 --> 01:30:04,055
- Here comes another fucker.
1151
01:30:12,169 --> 01:30:14,797
- Oh, no!
1152
01:30:14,905 --> 01:30:17,772
Perfectly all right.
Leave him to me.
1153
01:30:17,874 --> 01:30:20,672
You're full of scotch,
you silly tool.
1154
01:31:31,281 --> 01:31:34,739
A bit early in the morning
for festivities, isn't it?
1155
01:31:34,851 --> 01:31:37,149
These aren't mine.
They belong to him.
1156
01:31:37,254 --> 01:31:41,054
- You're drunk.
- I assure you I'm not, officer.
1157
01:31:41,157 --> 01:31:44,422
Honestly,
I've only had a few ales.
1158
01:31:44,527 --> 01:31:48,520
Out of the car... please.
1159
01:31:48,632 --> 01:31:50,532
Sir.
1160
01:31:57,574 --> 01:32:00,509
I want you to take one
deep breath and fill this bag.
1161
01:32:02,112 --> 01:32:05,809
- Are you refusing to fill this bag?
- I most certainly am.
1162
01:32:05,915 --> 01:32:09,146
- I'm placing you under arrest.
- Don't be ridiculous.
I haven't done anything.
1163
01:32:09,252 --> 01:32:11,447
- Come on.
- Look here, my cousin's a QC.
1164
01:32:11,554 --> 01:32:13,454
Get in the back of the van!
1165
01:32:26,569 --> 01:32:28,969
Hey, sarge,
what's that clown doing?
1166
01:33:04,774 --> 01:33:08,175
- Where's our checks?
- Didn't sign on.
1167
01:33:08,278 --> 01:33:11,509
That wouldn't make any difference
in last week's payments.
1168
01:33:39,776 --> 01:33:42,540
What are you doing in my bed?
1169
01:33:42,645 --> 01:33:47,139
- I've been asleep.
- Who is the huge spade in the bath?
1170
01:33:47,250 --> 01:33:49,650
Presuming Ed.
1171
01:33:49,753 --> 01:33:52,620
You've got ten minutes, right?
I want you out 'cause I want to get in.
1172
01:33:52,722 --> 01:33:55,350
Ten minutes, right?
You better be on your feet.
1173
01:33:58,728 --> 01:34:01,925
- How did you get in?
- Ingenuity, man.
1174
01:34:02,031 --> 01:34:04,295
Come up the drain pipe.
1175
01:34:04,401 --> 01:34:07,461
- Would you like a smoke?
- Yes.
1176
01:34:07,570 --> 01:34:10,004
No, thanks.
I've got a call to make.
1177
01:34:14,511 --> 01:34:16,445
What are you gonna do
with those?
1178
01:34:16,546 --> 01:34:20,880
The joint I'm about to roll
requires a craftsman.
1179
01:34:20,984 --> 01:34:23,475
It can utilize up to 12 skins.
1180
01:34:23,586 --> 01:34:26,555
It is called
a Camberwell Carrot.
1181
01:34:26,656 --> 01:34:29,056
It's impossible to use
12 papers in one joint.
1182
01:34:29,159 --> 01:34:32,856
It's impossible to make
a Camberwell Carrot with anything less.
1183
01:34:32,962 --> 01:34:35,726
- Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?
- I do.
1184
01:34:35,832 --> 01:34:39,632
I invented it in Camberwell,
and it looks like a carrot.
1185
01:34:39,736 --> 01:34:42,830
Do you realize this gaff's
overwhelmed with rodents?
1186
01:34:42,939 --> 01:34:45,499
When I come in, I seen one
the size of a fucking dog.
1187
01:34:45,608 --> 01:34:48,736
That is a dog. Belongs
to the fellow downstairs.
1188
01:34:48,845 --> 01:34:51,006
Does his dog get in the oven?
1189
01:34:51,114 --> 01:34:54,345
- No, his dog doesn't come up here.
- Then it was a rodent.
1190
01:34:54,451 --> 01:34:57,648
Opened the oven door, and
it was in there looking at me.
1191
01:34:57,754 --> 01:35:02,020
Quite freaked me at the time.
I was gonna cook onions.
1192
01:35:02,125 --> 01:35:04,320
- Are you going to bed now?
- No.
1193
01:35:04,427 --> 01:35:06,327
Phone.
1194
01:35:08,498 --> 01:35:11,490
- Who's he going to telephone?
- Squat Betty.
1195
01:35:12,969 --> 01:35:16,336
His agent. He's wasting his time
because he won't be in.
1196
01:35:40,363 --> 01:35:43,560
This'll tend
to make you very high.
1197
01:35:46,803 --> 01:35:51,331
This grass is the most powerful
in the Western Hemisphere.
1198
01:35:51,441 --> 01:35:55,571
I have it specially flown in
from my man in Mexico.
1199
01:35:57,046 --> 01:35:59,344
He's an expert.
1200
01:35:59,449 --> 01:36:01,917
His name is Juan.
1201
01:36:02,018 --> 01:36:07,115
This grass grows at exactly
2,000 feet above sea level.
1202
01:36:09,359 --> 01:36:11,691
You got the part, man?
1203
01:36:16,232 --> 01:36:20,601
I got a different one.
They want me to play the lead.
1204
01:36:20,703 --> 01:36:24,537
- Congratulations.
- Where exactly have you two been?
1205
01:36:24,641 --> 01:36:28,805
- Holiday in the countryside.
- That's a very good idea.
1206
01:36:28,912 --> 01:36:31,904
London is a country
coming down from its trip.
1207
01:36:32,015 --> 01:36:36,213
We are 91 days
from the end of this decade,
1208
01:36:36,319 --> 01:36:39,447
and there's gonna be
a lot of refugees.
1209
01:36:42,358 --> 01:36:46,658
They'll be goin' round this town
shoutin', "Bring out your dead."
1210
01:36:48,932 --> 01:36:52,026
There was a geezer around here
the other day lookin' for you.
1211
01:36:52,135 --> 01:36:54,399
- What geezer?
- Some bald geezer.
1212
01:36:54,504 --> 01:36:58,838
Reckons you owe him 266 quid
back rent.
1213
01:36:58,942 --> 01:37:03,936
I told him there's no question of payin'
rent on a property cut with rodents.
1214
01:37:04,047 --> 01:37:06,174
He takes exception to this.
1215
01:37:06,282 --> 01:37:08,773
Starts comin' on really bald
with me.
1216
01:37:08,885 --> 01:37:12,252
- You mean ratty.
- I told him to piss off.
1217
01:37:12,355 --> 01:37:14,585
You bloody fool.
We'll end up in court again.
1218
01:37:14,691 --> 01:37:18,127
- No we won't. It ain't legal.
- I assume we can quote you.
1219
01:37:18,227 --> 01:37:21,890
The law rather
appeals to me, actually.
1220
01:37:27,103 --> 01:37:30,095
Just high.
1221
01:37:31,908 --> 01:37:33,808
Stop laughing, Withnail.
This is serious.
1222
01:37:33,910 --> 01:37:37,744
No, it ain't. I looked into it,
studied the papers.
1223
01:37:37,847 --> 01:37:40,907
- What papers?
- Legal papers.
1224
01:37:41,017 --> 01:37:43,645
What papers, Danny?
1225
01:37:53,696 --> 01:37:56,927
He's got our checks.
What are you doing with these?
1226
01:37:57,033 --> 01:38:00,662
I was gonna cash 'em in for you.
1227
01:38:08,778 --> 01:38:12,771
For Christ's sake, Withnail, stop
laughing. This is a notice of eviction.
1228
01:38:19,889 --> 01:38:22,187
Will you stop laughing?
They wanna throw us out.
1229
01:38:24,494 --> 01:38:27,895
For God... Will you shut up, for
God's sake? You're giving me the fear.
1230
01:38:27,997 --> 01:38:30,056
Give me a downer, Danny.
My brain's capsizing.
1231
01:38:30,166 --> 01:38:32,293
- I've gone and fucked my brain!
- Change, man.
1232
01:38:32,402 --> 01:38:35,803
Find your neutral space.
You've got a rush.
1233
01:38:35,905 --> 01:38:39,068
It will pass. Be seated.
1234
01:38:45,948 --> 01:38:47,848
Aren't you getting absurdly high?
1235
01:38:47,950 --> 01:38:51,317
Precisely the reason
I'm smokin' it.
1236
01:38:56,592 --> 01:38:58,617
I couldn't. I'm spaced.
1237
01:38:58,728 --> 01:39:00,753
Not as spaced as your rodents.
1238
01:39:00,863 --> 01:39:04,993
- Don't talk about them.
- I imagine they're talkin'
to each other.
1239
01:39:07,403 --> 01:39:09,837
- What do you mean?
- I've dealt with 'em.
1240
01:39:09,939 --> 01:39:11,839
Dealt with 'em.
What the fuck do you mean?
1241
01:39:11,941 --> 01:39:15,604
Dosed 'em. I expect
they're dead down the drain.
1242
01:39:15,712 --> 01:39:18,681
Dead down the drain?
What have you done to them?
1243
01:39:18,781 --> 01:39:22,239
Given them all drugged onions.
1244
01:39:22,351 --> 01:39:25,184
Jesus Christ!
Why have you drugged their onions?
1245
01:39:25,288 --> 01:39:28,451
Sit down, man.
Take control.
1246
01:39:28,558 --> 01:39:31,288
Give me a Valium.
I'm getting the fear!
1247
01:39:31,394 --> 01:39:33,692
You have done something
to your brain.
1248
01:39:33,796 --> 01:39:35,696
You have made it high.
1249
01:39:35,798 --> 01:39:40,735
If I lay ten mils
of Diazepam on you, you will do
something else to your brain.
1250
01:39:40,837 --> 01:39:45,035
You will make it low. Why trust
one drug and not the other?
1251
01:39:45,141 --> 01:39:47,041
That's politics, isn't it?
1252
01:39:47,143 --> 01:39:49,043
I'm gonna eat some sugar.
1253
01:39:50,646 --> 01:39:53,376
I recommend
you smoke some more grass.
1254
01:39:53,483 --> 01:39:56,111
No way. No fucking way.
1255
01:39:56,219 --> 01:39:59,518
That is an unfortunate
political decision,
1256
01:39:59,622 --> 01:40:02,022
reflectin' these times.
1257
01:40:09,198 --> 01:40:11,758
- What are you talking about, Danny?
- Politics, man.
1258
01:40:11,868 --> 01:40:14,393
If you were hanging on
to a rising balloon,
1259
01:40:14,504 --> 01:40:17,166
you're presented
with a difficult decision...
1260
01:40:17,273 --> 01:40:19,639
let go before it's too late?
1261
01:40:19,742 --> 01:40:21,733
Or hang on
and keep getting higher?
1262
01:40:21,844 --> 01:40:26,474
Posing the question, how long
can you keep a grip on the rope?
1263
01:40:28,417 --> 01:40:31,113
They're sellin' hippie wigs
in Woolworth's, man.
1264
01:40:32,655 --> 01:40:36,819
The greatest decade in
the history of mankind is over.
1265
01:40:38,694 --> 01:40:42,721
And as Presuming Ed here
has so consistently pointed out...
1266
01:40:43,833 --> 01:40:47,030
we have failed
to paint it black.
1267
01:41:37,086 --> 01:41:40,146
My Dad'll pick up the boxes
in a week.
1268
01:41:40,256 --> 01:41:42,520
And he's gonna do something
about the car.
1269
01:41:44,627 --> 01:41:46,618
- I'm off now.
- Already?
1270
01:41:46,729 --> 01:41:49,254
But I've got us a bottle open.
1271
01:41:51,000 --> 01:41:53,366
I confiscated it
from Monty's supplies.
1272
01:41:54,537 --> 01:41:57,665
'53 Margaux.
Best of the century.
1273
01:41:58,941 --> 01:42:01,239
I'm sure he wouldn't resent us
a parting drink.
1274
01:42:01,344 --> 01:42:04,507
I can't, Withnail. I've gotta walk
to the station. I'll be late.
1275
01:42:04,614 --> 01:42:07,742
- There's always time for a drink.
- No.
1276
01:42:07,850 --> 01:42:10,182
I don't have the time.
1277
01:42:10,286 --> 01:42:13,949
All right. I'll walk with you
through the park.
1278
01:42:15,958 --> 01:42:18,358
We can drink it on the way.
1279
01:42:26,469 --> 01:42:28,994
No. No more, thank you.
1280
01:42:29,105 --> 01:42:31,596
Listen, Withnail. It's a stinker.
Why don't you go back?
1281
01:42:31,707 --> 01:42:34,642
- Because I wanna walk you
to the station.
- Well, don't.
1282
01:42:34,744 --> 01:42:37,212
Please don't.
1283
01:42:37,313 --> 01:42:39,372
I really don't want you to.
1284
01:42:48,424 --> 01:42:51,882
I shall miss you, Withnail.
1285
01:42:51,994 --> 01:42:56,624
I shall miss you too. Chin-chin.
1286
01:43:15,084 --> 01:43:18,645
"I have of late,
but wherefore I know not,
1287
01:43:18,754 --> 01:43:21,518
"lost all my mirth.
1288
01:43:21,624 --> 01:43:26,061
"And indeed it goes so heavily
with my disposition...
1289
01:43:26,162 --> 01:43:28,562
"that this goodly frame the earth...
1290
01:43:28,664 --> 01:43:32,122
"seems to me a sterile promontory.
1291
01:43:35,271 --> 01:43:38,729
"It's a most excellent canopy, the air.
1292
01:43:38,841 --> 01:43:43,301
"Look you, this brave,
o'er hanging firmament.
1293
01:43:43,412 --> 01:43:47,405
"This majestical roof
fretted with golden fire.
1294
01:43:47,516 --> 01:43:49,711
"Why, it appeareth nothing to me...
1295
01:43:49,819 --> 01:43:54,916
"but a foul and pestilent
congregation of vapors.
1296
01:43:55,024 --> 01:43:57,618
"What a piece of work is a man,
1297
01:43:57,727 --> 01:44:00,059
"how noble in reason,
1298
01:44:00,162 --> 01:44:02,892
"how infinite in faculties,
1299
01:44:02,999 --> 01:44:05,524
"how like an angel in apprehension.
1300
01:44:05,634 --> 01:44:08,034
"How like a god!
1301
01:44:08,137 --> 01:44:10,401
"The beauty of the world:
1302
01:44:10,506 --> 01:44:13,532
"Paragon of animals:
1303
01:44:13,642 --> 01:44:18,670
"Yet to me, what is
this quintessence of dust?
1304
01:44:18,781 --> 01:44:21,409
"Man delights not me.
1305
01:44:21,517 --> 01:44:25,817
"No, nor women neither.
1306
01:44:25,921 --> 01:44:28,515
Nor women neither."