1
00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:46,213
[vocalizing ends,
music continues]
2
00:01:37,932 --> 00:01:41,101
Who are you?
We are three wise men.
3
00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:43,771
What?
We are three wise men.
4
00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:45,898
Well, what are you doing
creeping around a cowshed
5
00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:47,023
at two o'clock
in the morning?
6
00:01:47,106 --> 00:01:49,151
That doesn't sound
very wise to me.
7
00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:51,195
We are astrologers.
8
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:53,531
We have come
from the East.
9
00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:55,616
Is this some kind of joke?
10
00:01:55,699 --> 00:01:58,285
We wish to praise
the infant.
11
00:01:58,368 --> 00:01:59,912
We must pay homage to him.
12
00:01:59,995 --> 00:02:01,831
Homage?! You're all drunk!
13
00:02:01,914 --> 00:02:04,458
It's disgusting! Out!
Come on, out!
14
00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:06,251
Bursting in here
with tales about
15
00:02:06,334 --> 00:02:08,379
Oriental fortune-tellers!
Come on, out!
16
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,714
No, no, we must see him.
17
00:02:09,797 --> 00:02:11,883
Go and praise someone
else's brat! Go on!
18
00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:13,551
We were led by a star!
19
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,260
Led by a bottle more like!
Go on, out!
20
00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:17,304
We must see him.
We have brought presents!
21
00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:20,098
Out!
Gold, frankincense, myrrh!
22
00:02:20,181 --> 00:02:22,894
Well, why didn't you say?
He's over there.
23
00:02:22,977 --> 00:02:25,729
Sorry the place
is a bit of a mess.
24
00:02:26,939 --> 00:02:29,066
Well, what is myrrh anyway?
25
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,861
It is a valuable balm.
A balm?!
26
00:02:31,944 --> 00:02:35,197
What are you giving him
a balm for? It might bite him!
27
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,241
What?
That's a dangerous animal!
28
00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:38,910
Quick, throw it in the trough!
No, it isn't!
29
00:02:38,993 --> 00:02:41,037
Yes, it is. It's a great big…
30
00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:42,997
No, no, no,
it is an ointment.
31
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:47,376
Well, there is an animal called
a balm, or did I dream it?
32
00:02:47,459 --> 00:02:49,294
So you're astrologers, are you?
33
00:02:49,377 --> 00:02:50,796
Well, what is he then?
34
00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:53,591
What star-sign is he?
35
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,467
Capricorn.
36
00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:57,929
Oh, Capricorn, eh?
What are they like?
37
00:02:58,012 --> 00:03:00,806
Well, he's the son of God.
Our Messiah.
38
00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:02,641
King of the Jews!
39
00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:04,435
And that's Capricorn, is it?
40
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,186
No, no, no,
that's just him.
41
00:03:06,269 --> 00:03:09,023
Oh! I was gonna say, otherwise
there'd be a lot of them.
42
00:03:09,106 --> 00:03:11,316
By what name
are you calling him?
43
00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:12,944
Uh, Brian.
44
00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:17,364
We worship you, oh, Brian,
who are lord over us all.
45
00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:22,870
Praise unto you, Brian, and
to the Lord, our Father. Amen.
46
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,789
Do you do a lot of this?
What?
47
00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:27,083
This praising.
No, no. No, no.
48
00:03:27,166 --> 00:03:30,086
Oh, well, um, if you're dropping
by again, do pop in.
49
00:03:30,169 --> 00:03:32,838
And thanks a lot for
the gold and frankincense,
50
00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:36,092
uh, but don't worry too much
about the myrrh next time,
all right?
51
00:03:36,175 --> 00:03:38,677
Thank you.
Goodbye.
52
00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:42,974
Well, weren't they nice?
Hmm.
53
00:03:43,057 --> 00:03:46,560
Out of their bloody minds,
but, still, look at that!
54
00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:48,186
Here!
55
00:03:48,269 --> 00:03:51,606
Here, that's mine!
Hey! Hey!
56
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:08,082
Shut up!
57
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:18,509
* Brian *
58
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:23,014
* The babe they called Brian *
59
00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:25,808
* He grew *
60
00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:28,894
* Grew, grew and grew *
61
00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:32,773
* Grew up to be *
62
00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:36,152
* Grew up to be *
63
00:04:36,235 --> 00:04:39,321
* A boy called Brian *
64
00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:42,282
* A boy called Brian *
65
00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:47,788
* He had arms and legs *
66
00:04:47,871 --> 00:04:50,916
* And hands and feet *
67
00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:53,711
* This boy *
68
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,796
* Whose name was Brian *
69
00:04:58,048 --> 00:05:00,843
* And he grew *
70
00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:04,346
* Grew, grew and grew *
71
00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:07,265
* Grew up to be *
72
00:05:07,348 --> 00:05:10,811
* Yes, he grew up to be *
73
00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:14,523
* A teenager called Brian *
74
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:18,276
* A teenager called Brian *
75
00:05:18,359 --> 00:05:21,405
* And his face became spotty *
76
00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:24,909
* Yes, his face became spotty *
77
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:28,829
* And his voice
Dropped down low *
78
00:05:28,912 --> 00:05:32,041
* And things started to grow *
79
00:05:32,124 --> 00:05:35,544
* On young Brian and show *
80
00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:39,173
* He was certainly no *
81
00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:43,010
* No girl named Brian *
82
00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:46,888
* Not a girl named Brian *
83
00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:57,066
* And he started to shave *
84
00:05:57,149 --> 00:06:00,444
* And have one off the wrist *
85
00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:04,073
* And want to see girls *
86
00:06:04,156 --> 00:06:07,492
* And go out and get pissed *
87
00:06:07,575 --> 00:06:10,913
* A man called Brian *
88
00:06:10,996 --> 00:06:14,250
* This man called Brian *
89
00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:20,714
* The man they called Brian *
90
00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:26,011
* This man called *
91
00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:32,976
* Brian *
92
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:20,481
How blessed are those
who know that he's of God.
93
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,695
How blessed are
the sorrowful.
94
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:27,030
They shall find consolation.
95
00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:33,037
How blessed
are those of gentle spirit.
96
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,914
They shall have the earth
for their possession.
97
00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:39,543
How blessed are those who hunger
98
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:41,545
and thirst
99
00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:43,088
to see right prevail.
100
00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:46,967
They shall be satisfied.
101
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:52,264
How blessed are those
whose hearts are pure.
102
00:07:52,347 --> 00:07:54,641
They shall see God.
103
00:07:54,724 --> 00:07:56,601
Speak up!
Shh!
104
00:07:56,684 --> 00:07:57,811
Quiet, Mum!
105
00:07:57,894 --> 00:08:00,439
Well, I can't
hear a thing.
106
00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,608
Let's go to stoning.
Shh!
107
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:05,694
You can go to
a stoning anytime.
108
00:08:05,777 --> 00:08:07,154
Oh, come on, Brian.
109
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:10,032
Will you be quiet?!
110
00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:11,992
Don't pick your nose!
111
00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:14,036
I wasn't picking my nose,
I was scratching.
112
00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:16,621
You was picking it while you
was talking to that lady.
113
00:08:16,704 --> 00:08:19,416
I wasn't!
Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
114
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,752
Do you mind?
I can't hear a word he's saying.
115
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:24,462
Don't you
"do you mind" me.
116
00:08:24,545 --> 00:08:25,923
I was talking
to my husband.
117
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:27,341
Well, go and talk to him
somewhere else.
118
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:29,009
I can't hear
a bloody thing.
119
00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:30,594
Don't you swear
at my wife.
120
00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:32,346
I was only asking her
to shut up
121
00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:34,514
so we can hear
what he's saying, Big Nose.
122
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:36,975
Don't you call
my husband "Big Nose"!
123
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:38,476
Well, he has got a big nose.
124
00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:40,812
Could you be quiet, please?
What was that?
125
00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:42,814
I don't know, I was too busy
talking to Big Nose.
126
00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:45,650
I think it was,
"Blessed are the cheese makers."
127
00:08:45,733 --> 00:08:49,196
What's so special about
the cheese makers?
128
00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:51,282
Well, obviously it's not
meant to be taken literally.
129
00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:54,159
It refers to any manufacturers
of dairy products.
130
00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:56,954
See, if you hadn't been
going on, we'd have heard that,
Big Nose.
131
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,873
Hey, say that once more,
I'll smash your bloody face in!
132
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,917
Better keep listening,
might be a bit about
133
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:03,335
"Blessed are the big noses".
134
00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:04,711
Oh, lay off him.
135
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:07,256
Oh, you're not so bad
yourself, Conkface.
136
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:09,800
Where are you two from,
Nose City?
137
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,009
One more time, mate,
138
00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:12,428
I'll take you
to the fucking cleaners!
139
00:09:12,511 --> 00:09:14,012
Language!
140
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:17,057
And don't
pick your nose!
141
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,143
I wasn't going to pick my nose.
I was gonna thump him!
142
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,978
Hear that?
Blessed are the Greek.
143
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:22,604
The Greek?
Mm-hmm.
144
00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:24,731
Well, apparently,
he's gonna inherit the Earth.
145
00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:26,191
Did anyone catch his name?
146
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:27,818
You aren't going to
thump anybody.
147
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:30,070
I'll thump him if he
calls me "Big Nose" again!
148
00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:31,696
Oh, shut up, Big Nose!
149
00:09:31,779 --> 00:09:34,032
Oh! Right,
I warned you.
150
00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:35,867
I really will
slug you so hard…
151
00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:37,535
Oh, it's the meek!
152
00:09:37,618 --> 00:09:39,288
"Blessed are the meek."
153
00:09:39,371 --> 00:09:41,206
Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
154
00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:43,500
I'm glad they're getting
something, 'cause they
have a hell of a time.
155
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:47,296
Listen, I'm only telling
the truth, you have got
a very big nose.
156
00:09:47,379 --> 00:09:50,841
Hey, your nose is going
to be three-foot wide
across your face
157
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,968
by the time
I'm finished with you!
Shh!
158
00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:55,220
Who hit yours then,
Goliath's big brother?
159
00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:57,139
Oh! Right,
that's your last warning.
160
00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:58,639
Oh, do pipe down.
161
00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,103
Silly bitch,
getting in the way.
162
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:07,441
Break it up!
163
00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:10,777
Oh, come on,
let's go to the stoning.
All right.
164
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,824
Well, blessed is
just about everyone
165
00:10:15,907 --> 00:10:19,119
with a vested interest
in the status quo,
as far as I can tell, Reg.
166
00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:21,705
Yeah. Well, what Jesus
blatantly fails to appreciate
167
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,499
is it's the meek
who are the problem.
168
00:10:23,582 --> 00:10:28,003
Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg.
Yes, I see.
169
00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:31,923
Oh, come on, Brian,
or they'll have stoned him
before we get there.
170
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,925
All right.
171
00:10:34,008 --> 00:10:37,012
Hey, get off her.
That's disgusting.
Stop trying to do that.
172
00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:39,473
Officer, intervene here.
Attempted rape going on.
173
00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:42,517
It's the chap with
the big nose's fault.
He started it all.
174
00:10:43,602 --> 00:10:45,937
Oh, I hate wearing these beards.
175
00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:48,524
Why aren't women
allowed to go to stonings, Mum?
176
00:10:48,607 --> 00:10:50,400
It's written, that's why.
177
00:10:51,692 --> 00:10:53,028
Beard, madam?
Oh, look,
178
00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:55,406
I haven't got time
to go to no stonings.
179
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:57,240
He's not well again.
180
00:10:58,199 --> 00:10:59,910
Stone, sir?
181
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:02,204
No, they've got them up there
lying around on the ground.
182
00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:03,997
Oh, not like these, sir.
Look at these.
183
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,333
Feel the quality of that.
That's craftsmanship, sir.
184
00:11:06,416 --> 00:11:08,168
Hmm… uh…
185
00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:11,588
All right. We'll have two with
points and a big, flat one.
186
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,507
Could I have a flat one, Mum?
Shh!
187
00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:14,758
Sorry. Dad.
188
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:17,469
All right.
Two points, two flats
189
00:11:17,552 --> 00:11:19,721
and a packet of gravel.
Packet of gravel.
190
00:11:19,804 --> 00:11:21,432
Should be a good one
this afternoon.
Yeah?
191
00:11:21,515 --> 00:11:23,225
Local boy.
Oh, good.
192
00:11:23,308 --> 00:11:24,601
Enjoy yourselves.
193
00:11:43,286 --> 00:11:46,290
Matthias, son of
Deuteronomy of Gath…
194
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:47,207
Do I say yes?
195
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:48,959
Yes!
Yes!
196
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:52,504
…you have been found guilty
by the elders of the town
197
00:11:52,587 --> 00:11:55,507
of uttering
the name of our Lord,
198
00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:58,468
and so as a blasphemer…
199
00:11:59,594 --> 00:12:02,305
…you are to be
stoned to death!
200
00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:05,809
Look, I'd had
a lovely supper,
201
00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:07,727
and all I said
to my wife was,
202
00:12:07,810 --> 00:12:10,397
"That piece of halibut was
good enough for Jehovah."
203
00:12:11,606 --> 00:12:14,067
Blasphemy!
He said it again!
204
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,696
Did you hear him?
Yeah! Yes, we did!
205
00:12:18,779 --> 00:12:20,114
Really!
206
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:25,912
Are there any women here today?
207
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:29,207
No, no, no.
208
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:32,877
Very well.
209
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,255
By virtue of the authority
210
00:12:35,338 --> 00:12:37,673
vested in me…
Ow!
211
00:12:37,756 --> 00:12:39,926
Lay off!
We haven't started yet.
212
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:41,760
Come on! Who threw that?
213
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:45,723
Who threw that stone? Come on!
214
00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:47,351
She did! She did!
215
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:50,228
[all continue in masculine
voices] He did! He did! He did!
216
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:52,606
Sorry, I thought we'd started.
217
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:55,526
Go to the back.
Oh, dear.
218
00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:58,195
Always one, isn't there?
219
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:00,071
Now, where were we?
220
00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:03,450
Look, I don't think
it ought to be blasphemy
just saying "Jehovah".
221
00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:05,118
[all shout in feminine
voices] He did it again!
222
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:07,745
You're only making it
worse for yourself!
223
00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:10,541
Making it worse?!
How could it be worse?
224
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:13,293
Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
225
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:17,214
I'm warning you!
If you say Jehovah once more…
226
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,966
Right! Who threw that?
227
00:13:21,175 --> 00:13:22,594
Come on! Who threw that?
228
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:24,680
[all shouting
in feminine voices]
229
00:13:24,763 --> 00:13:27,932
[all continue
in masculine voices]
Him! Him! Him!
230
00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:29,601
Was it you?
Yes.
231
00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:31,269
Right…
Well, you did say Jehovah.
232
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,860
Stop! Stop!
Will you stop that?!
233
00:13:38,943 --> 00:13:40,237
Stop it!
234
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:43,948
Now, look! No one is to
stone anyone
235
00:13:44,031 --> 00:13:47,536
until I blow this whistle!
Do you understand?
236
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:50,746
Even, and I want to
make this absolutely clear,
237
00:13:50,829 --> 00:13:53,040
even if they do say "Jehovah"!
238
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:59,631
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
239
00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:01,758
Good shot!
240
00:14:12,851 --> 00:14:16,398
Have I got a big nose, Mum?
Oh, stop thinking about sex.
241
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,774
I wasn't!
You're always on about it.
242
00:14:18,857 --> 00:14:20,360
Morning, noon and night.
243
00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:23,071
"Will the girls like this,
will the girls like that?
244
00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:26,157
Is it too big,
is it too small?"
245
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:31,913
Alms for a leper.
Alms for a leper.
246
00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:34,708
Alms for an ex-leper.
247
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:37,043
Bloody donkey-owners,
all the same, ain't they?
248
00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:38,795
Never have any change.
249
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,797
Oh, here's a touch.
250
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,424
Spare a talent
for an old ex-leper?
251
00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:43,925
Buzz off!
252
00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:45,677
Spare a talent
for an old ex-leper?
253
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:48,346
A talent? That's more than
he earns in a month.
254
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,265
Half a talent then?
No, go away.
255
00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:52,142
Come on, big nose,
let's haggle.
What?
256
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:54,436
All right, cut the haggling,
say you open at one shekel,
257
00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:56,772
I start at 2000,
we close about 1800.
258
00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:57,939
No.
Seventeen fifty?
259
00:14:58,022 --> 00:15:00,191
Go away!
Seventeen forty?
260
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:01,568
Will you leave him alone!
261
00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:02,653
All right.
Two shekels, just two.
262
00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:03,987
Is this fun, eh?
263
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,863
Look,
he's not giving you any money.
264
00:15:05,946 --> 00:15:07,490
Now piss off!
265
00:15:11,661 --> 00:15:14,122
All right, final offer,
half a shekel for an ex-leper?
266
00:15:14,205 --> 00:15:16,166
Did you say "ex-leper"?
267
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:18,752
That's right, sir, 16 years
behind a bell and proud of it,
sir.
268
00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:21,379
Well, what happened?
I was cured, sir.
269
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:23,173
Cured?
Yes, a bloody miracle, sir.
270
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,342
God bless you.
Who cured you?
271
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,926
Jesus did, sir.
272
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,928
I was hopping along,
minding my own business.
273
00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,264
All of a sudden,
up he comes, cures me.
274
00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:33,016
One minute
I'm a leper with a trade,
275
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,476
next minute
my livelihood's gone.
276
00:15:34,559 --> 00:15:36,102
Not so much as a
"by your leave."
277
00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:38,647
"You're cured, mate."
Bloody do-gooder.
278
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:40,691
Well, why don't you
go and tell him
279
00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:42,442
that you want to be
a leper again?
280
00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:44,695
I could do that, sir.
Yeah, I could that, I suppose.
281
00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:46,530
What I was thinking was gonna
ask him if he'd make me
282
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,532
a bit lame in one leg
during the middle of the week.
283
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,617
You know, something beggable,
but not leprosy,
284
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,703
which is a pain in the ass,
to be blunt.
Excuse my French, sir.
285
00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:56,748
Brian.
Come and clean your room out.
286
00:15:56,831 --> 00:15:58,458
There you are.
Thank you, sir. Thank…
287
00:15:58,541 --> 00:16:01,670
Half a denarii
for me bloody life story?
288
00:16:01,753 --> 00:16:03,714
There's no pleasing
some people.
289
00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,757
That's just what
Jesus said, sir.
290
00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:20,814
Oh!
Good afternoon.
291
00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:22,440
Oh, uh,
hello, officer.
292
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:27,362
Uh… I'll be with you in a few
moments, all right, dear?
293
00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:28,822
What's he doing here?
294
00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:30,907
Don't start that, Brian.
Go clean your room out.
295
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,367
Bloody Romans.
296
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,494
Now, look, Brian,
if it wasn't for them,
297
00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:37,372
we wouldn't have all this.
And don't you forget it.
298
00:16:37,455 --> 00:16:39,374
We don't owe
the Romans anything, Mum.
299
00:16:39,457 --> 00:16:42,126
Well, that's not entirely true,
is it, Brian?
300
00:16:42,209 --> 00:16:43,879
What do you mean?
301
00:16:43,962 --> 00:16:46,381
Well, you know when you
were asking me about your, uh…
302
00:16:46,464 --> 00:16:47,924
My nose?
Yes.
303
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:50,468
Well, there's a reason
it's like it is, Brian.
304
00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:52,387
What is it?
305
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:56,892
Well, I suppose I should have
told you a long time ago, but…
What?
306
00:16:56,975 --> 00:16:58,476
Well, Brian…
307
00:16:59,978 --> 00:17:02,105
your father
isn't Mr. Cohen.
308
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:04,733
I never thought he was.
Now, none of your cheek!
309
00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:07,444
He was a Roman, Brian.
310
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:10,614
He was a centurion
in the Roman army.
311
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,949
You mean you were raped?!
312
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,992
Well, at first, yes.
313
00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:16,327
Who was it?
314
00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:19,038
Naughtius Maximus
his name was. Hmm.
315
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:21,458
Promised me the known world,
he did.
316
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:24,669
I was to be taken to Rome,
house by the Forum,
317
00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:26,504
slaves, asses' milk,
318
00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:29,090
as much gold
as I could eat.
319
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:31,635
Then he,
having his way with me he had,
320
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:34,095
boom, like a rat
out of an aqueduct.
321
00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:35,639
The bastard!
322
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,433
Yes, and next time you go on
about the "bloody Romans"
323
00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:40,393
don't forget
you're one of them.
324
00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:41,978
I'm not a Roman, Mum.
325
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,354
And I never will be.
326
00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:46,733
I'm a kike, a yid,
a hebe, a hooknose.
327
00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:47,984
I'm kosher, Mum.
328
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:51,779
I'm a Red Sea pedestrian
and proud of it!
329
00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:58,453
Sex, sex, sex, that's all
they think about, huh?
330
00:17:58,536 --> 00:18:01,039
Well, how are you then, officer?
331
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,976
Ladies and gentlemen,
332
00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:24,771
the next contest is between
333
00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:30,443
Frank Goliath,
the Macedonian baby-crusher,
334
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:33,613
and Boris Mineburg.
335
00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:35,907
Thank you, madam.
336
00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:37,492
Larks' tongues.
337
00:18:37,575 --> 00:18:39,160
Wrens' livers.
338
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:41,329
Chaffinch brains.
339
00:18:41,412 --> 00:18:43,581
Jaguars' earlobes.
340
00:18:43,664 --> 00:18:45,082
Wolf-nipple chips.
341
00:18:45,165 --> 00:18:46,459
Get them while they're hot.
They're lovely.
342
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:48,962
Dromedary pretzels,
only half a dinar.
343
00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:50,588
Tuscany fried bats…
344
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:54,009
I do feel, Reg, that any
anti-imperialist group like ours
345
00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:58,095
must reflect such
a divergence of interest
within its power base.
346
00:18:58,178 --> 00:18:59,681
Agreed. Francis?
347
00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:01,850
Yeah, I think Judith's point
of view is very valid, Reg,
348
00:19:01,933 --> 00:19:03,685
provided the movement
never forgets
349
00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:06,103
that it is the unalienable
right of every man…
350
00:19:06,186 --> 00:19:08,356
Or woman.
…or woman, to rid himself…
351
00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:09,566
Or herself.
…or herself…
352
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:10,775
Agreed.
Thank you, brother.
353
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:12,944
Or sister.
Or sister…
354
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:15,613
Where was I?
355
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:17,699
I think you finished.
356
00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:19,325
Oh, right.
357
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,327
Furthermore, it is the
birthright of every man…
358
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:23,371
Or woman.
359
00:19:23,454 --> 00:19:25,289
Why don't you shut up
about women, Stan,
you're putting us off.
360
00:19:25,372 --> 00:19:28,043
Women have a perfect right
to play a part in our movement,
Reg.
361
00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:31,170
Why are you always
on about women, Stan?
362
00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:32,421
I want to be one.
363
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:36,009
What?
364
00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:38,177
I want to be a woman.
365
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:42,682
From now on, I want you
all to call me "Loretta".
366
00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:43,767
What?!
367
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,435
It's my right
as a man.
368
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:50,189
Well, why do you want
to be Loretta, Stan?
369
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:51,983
I want to have babies.
370
00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:54,819
You want to have babies?!
371
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:57,280
It's every man's right to have
babies if he wants them.
372
00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:59,156
But you can't have babies!
373
00:19:59,239 --> 00:20:00,867
Don't you oppress me.
374
00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:03,703
I'm not oppressing you, Stan.
You haven't got a womb.
375
00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:08,207
Where's the fetus gonna gestate?
You gonna keep it in a box?
376
00:20:11,794 --> 00:20:13,421
Here, I've got an idea.
377
00:20:13,504 --> 00:20:16,173
Suppose you agree that he
can't actually have babies,
378
00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:19,135
not having a womb,
which is nobody's fault,
not even the Romans',
379
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:22,138
but that he can have
the right to have babies.
380
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,348
Good idea, Judith.
381
00:20:24,431 --> 00:20:27,310
We shall fight the oppressors
for your right to have babies,
brother…
382
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:30,521
Sister. Sorry.
What's the point?
383
00:20:30,604 --> 00:20:32,565
What?
What's the point of fighting
384
00:20:32,648 --> 00:20:37,320
for his right to have babies
when he can't have babies?
385
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:41,532
It is symbolic of our struggle
against oppression.
386
00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:44,952
Symbolic of his struggle
against reality.
387
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:55,213
Get out there. Get out.
It's dangerous
out there.
388
00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:19,195
Larks' tongues.
389
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:20,446
Otters' noses.
390
00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:21,948
Ocelots' spleens.
391
00:21:22,031 --> 00:21:24,075
Got any nuts?
Haven't got any nuts, sorry.
392
00:21:24,158 --> 00:21:25,702
I've got wrens' livers,
badgers' spleens…
393
00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:27,662
No, no, no.
394
00:21:27,745 --> 00:21:30,373
Otters' noses?
I don't want any
of that Roman rubbish.
395
00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:33,459
Why don't you sell proper food?
Proper food?
396
00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:36,295
Yeah, not those rich
imperialist tidbits.
397
00:21:36,378 --> 00:21:39,549
Well, don't blame me.
I didn't ask to sell this stuff.
398
00:21:39,632 --> 00:21:41,592
All right, bag of
otters' noses, then.
399
00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:43,511
Make it two.
Two.
400
00:21:43,594 --> 00:21:44,846
Thanks, Reg.
401
00:21:44,929 --> 00:21:46,222
Are you the
Judean People's Front?
402
00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,725
Fuck off!
What?
403
00:21:48,808 --> 00:21:51,435
Judean People's Front.
404
00:21:51,518 --> 00:21:53,771
We're
The People's Front of Judea.
405
00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:58,151
Judean People's Front, God!
Wankers.
406
00:22:00,153 --> 00:22:01,821
Can I join your group?
407
00:22:01,904 --> 00:22:03,447
No, piss off.
408
00:22:03,530 --> 00:22:05,449
I didn't want to sell
this stuff. It's only a job.
409
00:22:05,532 --> 00:22:07,535
I hate the Romans
as much as anybody.
410
00:22:07,618 --> 00:22:08,786
Shh, shh, shh!
411
00:22:09,870 --> 00:22:11,247
Are you sure?
412
00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:14,250
Oh, dead sure.
I hate the Romans already.
413
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:17,795
Listen, if you wanted
to join the PFJ,
414
00:22:17,878 --> 00:22:20,757
you'd have to
really hate the Romans.
415
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,258
I do.
416
00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:24,635
Oh, yeah, how much?
417
00:22:24,718 --> 00:22:26,344
A lot.
418
00:22:28,346 --> 00:22:30,183
Right, you're in.
419
00:22:30,266 --> 00:22:33,268
Listen, the only people
we hate more than the Romans
420
00:22:33,351 --> 00:22:35,270
are the fuckin'
Judean People's Front.
421
00:22:35,353 --> 00:22:36,731
Yeah!
Splitters.
422
00:22:36,814 --> 00:22:38,315
And the Judean
Popular People's Front.
423
00:22:38,398 --> 00:22:40,235
Oh, yeah.
Splitters.
424
00:22:40,318 --> 00:22:42,112
And the People's Front of Judea.
425
00:22:42,195 --> 00:22:43,654
Splitters.
What?
426
00:22:43,737 --> 00:22:45,656
The People's Front of Judea.
Splitters.
427
00:22:45,739 --> 00:22:48,785
We're the
People's Front of Judea!
428
00:22:48,868 --> 00:22:50,036
Oh…
429
00:22:50,119 --> 00:22:51,537
I thought we were
the Popular Front.
430
00:22:51,620 --> 00:22:53,581
People's Front!
431
00:22:53,664 --> 00:22:56,375
Whatever happened
to the Popular Front, Reg?
432
00:22:56,458 --> 00:22:58,418
He's over there.
433
00:23:00,796 --> 00:23:02,131
Splitter!
434
00:23:10,348 --> 00:23:13,309
I think I'm about to have
a cardiac arrest.
435
00:23:15,561 --> 00:23:17,521
Absolutely dreadful.
Humph!
436
00:23:29,283 --> 00:23:30,785
Yes, brother!
437
00:23:30,868 --> 00:23:32,162
Ha-ha!
438
00:23:32,245 --> 00:23:33,663
What's your name?
439
00:23:33,746 --> 00:23:37,041
Brian. Brian Cohen.
440
00:23:37,124 --> 00:23:40,002
We may have a little job
for you, Brian.
441
00:24:35,015 --> 00:24:39,062
What's this then?
"Romanes eunt domus"?
442
00:24:39,145 --> 00:24:42,190
"People called Romanes,
they go the house"?
443
00:24:42,273 --> 00:24:45,318
It says, "Romans go home."
444
00:24:45,401 --> 00:24:46,610
No, it doesn't.
445
00:24:46,693 --> 00:24:48,654
What's Latin for "Roman"?
446
00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:50,489
Come on.
Romanus?
447
00:24:50,572 --> 00:24:52,158
Goes like?
Anus?
448
00:24:52,241 --> 00:24:53,492
Vocative plural of anus is?
449
00:24:53,575 --> 00:24:54,994
Ani?
450
00:24:55,077 --> 00:24:57,914
Romani.
451
00:24:57,997 --> 00:24:59,665
"Eunt"? What is eunt?
452
00:24:59,748 --> 00:25:00,833
Go.
453
00:25:00,916 --> 00:25:02,335
Conjugate the verb
"to go".
454
00:25:02,418 --> 00:25:06,089
Ere, eo, is, it,
imus, itis, eunt.
455
00:25:06,172 --> 00:25:08,465
So eunt is?
456
00:25:08,548 --> 00:25:11,177
Third person plural, present
indicative. "They go."
457
00:25:11,260 --> 00:25:15,723
But "Romans go home"
is an order,
so you must use the…?
458
00:25:15,806 --> 00:25:17,767
Imperative!
Which is?
459
00:25:17,850 --> 00:25:19,227
Um… Oh! Um…
460
00:25:19,310 --> 00:25:20,937
I.
How many Romans?
461
00:25:21,020 --> 00:25:25,065
Plural, plural. Ite. Ite.
Ite.
462
00:25:26,775 --> 00:25:29,444
Domus? Nominative?
463
00:25:29,527 --> 00:25:33,657
"Go home." This is motion
towards, isn't it, boy?
464
00:25:33,740 --> 00:25:35,118
Dative! Ahh!
465
00:25:35,201 --> 00:25:36,576
Not dative,
not the dative, sir!
466
00:25:38,037 --> 00:25:39,496
The accusative! Accusative!
467
00:25:39,579 --> 00:25:41,124
Domum, sir. Ad domum.
468
00:25:41,207 --> 00:25:43,334
Except that domus takes the…?
469
00:25:43,417 --> 00:25:44,919
The locative, sir.
Which is?!
470
00:25:45,002 --> 00:25:46,712
Domum!
Domum.
471
00:25:46,795 --> 00:25:50,300
Um.
472
00:25:50,383 --> 00:25:52,009
Understand?
Yes, sir.
473
00:25:52,092 --> 00:25:53,928
Now, write that 100 times.
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
474
00:25:54,011 --> 00:25:55,679
Hail Caesar, sir.
Hail Cesar.
475
00:25:55,762 --> 00:25:57,723
If it's not done by sunrise,
I'll cut your balls off.
476
00:25:57,806 --> 00:25:59,225
Oh, thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
477
00:25:59,308 --> 00:26:01,727
Hail Caesar and
everything, sir.
478
00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:25,251
Finished.
479
00:26:26,626 --> 00:26:28,004
Right.
480
00:26:28,087 --> 00:26:30,839
Now, don't do it again.
481
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:55,864
Hey! Bloody Romans.
482
00:27:30,316 --> 00:27:33,486
We get in through
the underground
heating-system here,
483
00:27:33,569 --> 00:27:35,905
up through into the main
audience chamber here
484
00:27:35,988 --> 00:27:39,409
and Pilate's wife's
bedroom is here.
485
00:27:39,492 --> 00:27:40,910
Having grabbed his wife,
486
00:27:40,993 --> 00:27:42,912
we inform Pilate
that she is in our custody,
487
00:27:42,995 --> 00:27:45,498
and forthwith issue
our demands.
488
00:27:45,581 --> 00:27:48,459
Any questions?
What exactly are the demands?
489
00:27:48,542 --> 00:27:50,503
We're giving Pilate
two days to dismantle
490
00:27:50,586 --> 00:27:53,047
the entire apparatus of
the Roman imperialist state
491
00:27:53,130 --> 00:27:55,674
and if he doesn't agree
immediately, we execute her.
492
00:27:55,757 --> 00:27:56,967
Cut her head off?
493
00:27:57,050 --> 00:27:58,386
Cut all her bits off.
494
00:27:58,469 --> 00:28:00,304
Send them back on the hour,
every hour.
495
00:28:00,387 --> 00:28:01,805
Show them we're not
to be trifled with.
496
00:28:01,888 --> 00:28:03,682
And, of course,
we point out
497
00:28:03,765 --> 00:28:06,977
that they bear
full responsibility
when we chop her up
498
00:28:07,060 --> 00:28:10,356
and that we shall not
submit to blackmail.
499
00:28:10,439 --> 00:28:12,691
No blackmail!
500
00:28:12,774 --> 00:28:15,069
They've bled us white,
the bastards.
501
00:28:15,152 --> 00:28:16,487
They've taken
everything we had.
502
00:28:16,570 --> 00:28:18,114
And not just from us!
503
00:28:18,197 --> 00:28:20,074
From our fathers,
and from our fathers' fathers.
504
00:28:20,157 --> 00:28:21,951
And from our fathers'
fathers' fathers.
505
00:28:22,034 --> 00:28:24,745
Yeah.
And from our fathers'
fathers' fathers' fathers.
506
00:28:24,828 --> 00:28:26,705
Yeah, all right, Stan,
don't labor the point.
507
00:28:26,788 --> 00:28:29,833
And what have they ever
given us in return?
508
00:28:32,127 --> 00:28:34,046
The aqueduct?
509
00:28:34,129 --> 00:28:35,839
What?
The aqueduct.
510
00:28:35,922 --> 00:28:39,009
Oh, yeah, yeah, they did
give us that. That's true, yeah.
511
00:28:39,092 --> 00:28:41,554
And the sanitation.
512
00:28:41,637 --> 00:28:43,180
Oh, yeah,
the sanitation, Reg.
513
00:28:43,263 --> 00:28:45,182
Remember what the city
used to be like.
514
00:28:45,265 --> 00:28:47,477
Yeah, all right, I'll grant you
the aqueduct and sanitation
515
00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:48,978
are two things
the Romans have done.
516
00:28:49,061 --> 00:28:50,438
And the roads.
517
00:28:50,521 --> 00:28:52,022
Well, yeah,
obviously the roads.
518
00:28:52,105 --> 00:28:54,108
I mean, the roads go
without saying, don't they?
519
00:28:54,191 --> 00:28:56,569
But apart from the sanitation,
the aqueduct and the roads…
520
00:28:56,652 --> 00:28:59,614
Irrigation.
Medicine.
521
00:28:59,697 --> 00:29:00,864
Education.
522
00:29:00,947 --> 00:29:02,116
Yeah, yeah,
all right, fair enough.
523
00:29:02,199 --> 00:29:03,325
And the wine.
524
00:29:05,327 --> 00:29:08,498
Yeah! Yeah, that's something
we'd really miss, Reg,
if the Romans left.
525
00:29:08,581 --> 00:29:10,166
Public baths.
526
00:29:10,249 --> 00:29:12,293
And it's safe to walk
in the streets at night now,
Reg.
527
00:29:12,376 --> 00:29:14,253
Yeah, they certainly know
how to keep order.
528
00:29:14,336 --> 00:29:16,004
Let's face it,
they're the only ones who could
in a place like this.
529
00:29:18,674 --> 00:29:21,344
All right, but apart from
the sanitation, the medicine,
530
00:29:21,427 --> 00:29:23,304
education, wine, public order,
531
00:29:23,387 --> 00:29:26,974
irrigation, roads,
the fresh-water system
and public health,
532
00:29:27,057 --> 00:29:30,603
what have the Romans
ever done for us?
533
00:29:30,686 --> 00:29:31,895
Brought peace?
534
00:29:31,978 --> 00:29:33,397
Oh, peace!
535
00:29:33,480 --> 00:29:34,940
Shut up!
536
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:48,329
I'm a poor man.
My sight is poor.
537
00:29:48,412 --> 00:29:50,581
My legs are old and bent.
538
00:29:50,664 --> 00:29:52,375
It's all right, Matthias.
539
00:29:52,458 --> 00:29:54,752
It's all clear.
540
00:30:02,342 --> 00:30:04,303
Well, where's Reg?
541
00:30:05,471 --> 00:30:06,763
Oh, Reg.
542
00:30:06,846 --> 00:30:09,183
Reg, it's Judith.
543
00:30:09,266 --> 00:30:10,184
What went wrong?
544
00:30:10,267 --> 00:30:12,395
The first blow has been struck.
545
00:30:12,478 --> 00:30:15,814
Did he finish the slogan?
A hundred times.
546
00:30:15,897 --> 00:30:19,943
In letters ten-foot high,
all the way around the palace.
547
00:30:20,026 --> 00:30:22,363
Oh, great.
548
00:30:22,446 --> 00:30:23,698
Great!
549
00:30:23,781 --> 00:30:25,782
We… we need doers
in our movement, Brian,
550
00:30:25,865 --> 00:30:27,993
but before you join us,
know this,
551
00:30:28,076 --> 00:30:30,454
there is not one of us here who
would not gladly suffer death
552
00:30:30,537 --> 00:30:32,748
to rid this country of
the Romans once and for all.
553
00:30:32,831 --> 00:30:35,334
Uh, well, one.
554
00:30:35,417 --> 00:30:36,919
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, there's one.
555
00:30:37,002 --> 00:30:39,171
But otherwise, we're solid.
Are you with us?
556
00:30:39,254 --> 00:30:42,174
Yes.
557
00:30:42,257 --> 00:30:46,429
From now on, you shall
be called, "Brian,
that is called Brian."
558
00:30:46,512 --> 00:30:49,557
Tell him about the raid
on Pilate's palace, Francis.
559
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:51,433
Right. This is the plan…
560
00:30:53,310 --> 00:30:55,479
Now, this is the
palace in Caesar's Square.
561
00:30:55,562 --> 00:30:58,357
Our commando unit will approach
from Fish Street
under cover of night,
562
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:01,527
and make our way
to the northwestern main drain.
563
00:31:01,610 --> 00:31:06,490
If questioned,
we are sewage workers
on our way to a conference.
564
00:31:06,573 --> 00:31:09,785
Reg, our glorious leader
and founder of the PFJ,
565
00:31:09,868 --> 00:31:13,122
will be coordinating consultant
at the drain head,
566
00:31:13,205 --> 00:31:16,833
though he himself
will not be taking part
in any terrorist action,
567
00:31:16,916 --> 00:31:18,377
as he has a bad back.
568
00:31:18,460 --> 00:31:20,421
Aren't you gonna come with us?
Solidarity, brother.
569
00:31:20,504 --> 00:31:23,840
Oh, yes. Solidarity, Reg.
570
00:31:23,923 --> 00:31:26,802
Once in the sewer,
timing will be of the essence.
571
00:31:26,885 --> 00:31:29,930
There is a Roman feast
later in the evening
so we must move fast,
572
00:31:30,013 --> 00:31:32,725
and don't wear
your best sandals.
573
00:31:32,808 --> 00:31:34,393
Turning left here,
574
00:31:34,476 --> 00:31:36,895
we enter the Caesar Augustus
Memorial Sewer.
575
00:31:36,978 --> 00:31:39,482
And from there, proceed
directly to the hypocaust.
576
00:31:39,565 --> 00:31:44,945
This has just been re-tiled,
so, terrorists,
careful with those weapons.
577
00:31:45,028 --> 00:31:48,449
We will now be directly beneath
Pilate's audience chamber
itself.
578
00:31:48,532 --> 00:31:52,202
This is the moment for
Habakkuk to get out his prong.
579
00:33:11,156 --> 00:33:13,367
Campaign for Free Galilee.
580
00:33:13,450 --> 00:33:16,078
Oh, uh, People's Front of Judea.
581
00:33:16,161 --> 00:33:17,913
Officials.
Oh.
582
00:33:17,996 --> 00:33:19,707
What's your group
doing here?
583
00:33:19,790 --> 00:33:21,208
We're gonna
kidnap Pilate's wife.
584
00:33:21,291 --> 00:33:22,668
Take her back.
Issue demands.
585
00:33:22,751 --> 00:33:24,336
So are we.
What?
586
00:33:24,419 --> 00:33:25,713
That's our plan.
587
00:33:25,796 --> 00:33:28,131
We were here first.
What do you mean?
588
00:33:28,214 --> 00:33:30,217
We thought of it first.
Oh, yeah?
589
00:33:30,300 --> 00:33:31,426
Yes, a couple
of years ago.
590
00:33:32,636 --> 00:33:33,970
We did?
Okay, come on.
591
00:33:34,053 --> 00:33:35,472
You got all your
demands worked out?
592
00:33:35,555 --> 00:33:37,266
Of course we have.
What are they?
593
00:33:37,349 --> 00:33:40,310
Well, I'm not telling you.
Pull the other one.
594
00:33:40,393 --> 00:33:43,021
That's not the point.
We thought of it before you.
595
00:33:43,104 --> 00:33:44,356
Did not.
We did.
596
00:33:44,439 --> 00:33:45,983
You didn't.
We bloody did!
597
00:33:47,484 --> 00:33:48,736
You bastards, we've been
planning this for months.
598
00:33:48,819 --> 00:33:50,696
Well, tough titty for you,
fish-face.
599
00:33:50,779 --> 00:33:52,948
All right.
Why you sly…
600
00:33:53,031 --> 00:33:55,951
Brothers! Brothers! We should
be struggling together!
601
00:33:56,034 --> 00:33:58,245
We are.
602
00:33:58,328 --> 00:33:59,955
We mustn't fight each other!
603
00:34:00,038 --> 00:34:03,041
Surely, we should be united
against the common enemy!
604
00:34:03,124 --> 00:34:05,502
The Judean
People's Front?!
605
00:34:05,585 --> 00:34:08,422
No, no, the Romans!
606
00:34:08,505 --> 00:34:10,424
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
607
00:34:10,507 --> 00:34:12,217
Yeah, he's right.
Look out!
608
00:34:12,300 --> 00:34:13,593
Careful.
609
00:34:19,140 --> 00:34:21,477
Right! Where were we?
You were gonna punch me.
610
00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:22,895
Oh, yeah!
611
00:34:45,584 --> 00:34:48,670
Brothers!
Get off!
612
00:35:43,809 --> 00:35:47,104
[continues laughing,
then coughs]
613
00:35:49,314 --> 00:35:53,151
You lucky bastard.
Who's that?
614
00:35:53,234 --> 00:35:56,655
You lucky, lucky bastard.
What?
615
00:35:56,738 --> 00:35:59,157
Proper little jailer's pet,
aren't we?
616
00:35:59,240 --> 00:36:00,492
What do you mean?
617
00:36:00,575 --> 00:36:02,786
You must have slipped him
a few shekels, eh?
618
00:36:02,869 --> 00:36:05,664
Slipped him a few shekels?
You saw him spit in my face!
619
00:36:05,747 --> 00:36:10,002
Oh! What wouldn't I give
to be spat at in the face?
620
00:36:10,085 --> 00:36:11,795
I sometimes
hang awake at night,
621
00:36:11,878 --> 00:36:14,924
dreaming of being
spat at in the face.
622
00:36:15,007 --> 00:36:17,801
Well, it's not exactly friendly.
They had me in manacles!
623
00:36:17,884 --> 00:36:18,884
Manacles!
624
00:36:21,096 --> 00:36:26,309
My idea of heaven is to be
allowed to be put in manacles
just for a few hours.
625
00:36:26,392 --> 00:36:30,480
They must think the sun shines
out of your ass, sonny.
626
00:36:30,563 --> 00:36:32,691
Oh, lay off me,
I've had a hard time!
627
00:36:32,774 --> 00:36:34,276
You've had a hard time?
628
00:36:34,359 --> 00:36:35,819
I've been here five years,
629
00:36:35,902 --> 00:36:37,863
they only hung me
the right way up yesterday!
630
00:36:37,946 --> 00:36:39,364
So don't you come around…
631
00:36:39,447 --> 00:36:40,824
All right, all right.
632
00:36:40,907 --> 00:36:45,245
They must think
you're Lord God almighty.
633
00:36:45,328 --> 00:36:47,539
What will they do to me?
634
00:36:47,622 --> 00:36:49,499
Oh, you'll probably get away
with crucifixion.
635
00:36:49,582 --> 00:36:52,544
Crucifixion?!
Yeah. First offence.
636
00:36:52,627 --> 00:36:54,755
Get away with crucifixion?!
It's…
637
00:36:54,838 --> 00:36:56,715
Best thing
the Romans ever did for us.
638
00:36:56,798 --> 00:36:58,300
What?!
Oh, yeah.
639
00:36:58,383 --> 00:36:59,718
If we didn't have crucifixion,
640
00:36:59,801 --> 00:37:01,762
this country would be in
a right bloody mess.
641
00:37:01,845 --> 00:37:04,098
Guard!
Nail them up, I say!
642
00:37:04,181 --> 00:37:07,350
Guard!
Nail some sense into them!
643
00:37:07,433 --> 00:37:09,144
What do you want?
644
00:37:09,227 --> 00:37:10,771
I want you to move me
to another cell.
645
00:37:10,854 --> 00:37:12,815
Ha!
Ahh!
646
00:37:12,898 --> 00:37:16,234
Oh, look at that!
Bloody favoritism!
647
00:37:16,317 --> 00:37:19,612
Shut up, you.
Sorry.
648
00:37:21,322 --> 00:37:23,450
Now, take my case.
649
00:37:23,533 --> 00:37:25,368
They hung me up here
five years ago.
650
00:37:25,451 --> 00:37:27,537
Every night they take me down
for 20 minutes
651
00:37:27,620 --> 00:37:28,664
then they hang me up again.
652
00:37:28,747 --> 00:37:30,582
Which I regard as very fair
653
00:37:30,665 --> 00:37:32,208
in view of what I've done.
654
00:37:32,291 --> 00:37:36,839
And if nothing else, it's taught
me to respect the Romans
655
00:37:36,922 --> 00:37:40,509
and it's taught me that you'll
never get anywhere in this life
656
00:37:40,592 --> 00:37:43,553
unless you are prepared to do
a fair day's work
657
00:37:43,636 --> 00:37:46,305
for a fair day's…
Oh, shut up!
658
00:37:49,267 --> 00:37:51,561
Pilate wants to see you!
Me?
659
00:37:51,644 --> 00:37:52,980
Come on!
660
00:37:53,063 --> 00:37:54,815
Pilate?
What does he want to see me for?
661
00:37:54,898 --> 00:37:57,275
I think he wants to know which
way you want to be crucified.
662
00:37:59,903 --> 00:38:02,156
Nice one, centurion.
Like it, like it.
663
00:38:02,239 --> 00:38:05,075
Shut up!
Right. Right.
664
00:38:06,201 --> 00:38:08,078
Terrific race, the Romans.
665
00:38:08,161 --> 00:38:10,080
Terrific.
666
00:38:20,799 --> 00:38:22,217
Looks like a nice living area.
667
00:38:22,300 --> 00:38:25,553
Oh.
668
00:38:27,430 --> 00:38:29,183
Hail Caesar.
Hail.
669
00:38:29,266 --> 00:38:30,350
Only one survivor, sir.
670
00:38:30,433 --> 00:38:33,353
Ah. Throw him
to the floor.
671
00:38:33,436 --> 00:38:36,356
What, sir?
Throw him to the floor.
672
00:38:36,439 --> 00:38:37,816
Oh.
673
00:38:40,068 --> 00:38:41,195
Humph.
674
00:38:41,278 --> 00:38:44,698
Now, what is
your name, Jew?
675
00:38:44,781 --> 00:38:47,701
Brian, sir.
Brian, eh?
676
00:38:47,784 --> 00:38:49,452
No, no, Brian.
677
00:38:49,535 --> 00:38:51,872
Ow!
678
00:38:51,955 --> 00:38:55,084
The little rascal has spirit.
679
00:38:55,167 --> 00:38:57,252
Has what, sir?
Spirit.
680
00:38:57,335 --> 00:38:59,379
Yes, he did, sir.
681
00:38:59,462 --> 00:39:01,423
No, no, spirit.
682
00:39:01,506 --> 00:39:04,300
Bravado,
a touch of derring-do.
683
00:39:04,383 --> 00:39:07,012
Oh, uh, about 11, sir.
684
00:39:09,139 --> 00:39:11,349
So…
685
00:39:11,432 --> 00:39:14,019
You dare to raid us?
To what, sir?
686
00:39:14,102 --> 00:39:16,939
Strike him, centurion,
very roughly.
687
00:39:17,022 --> 00:39:19,399
Ahh!
Oh, and, uh…
688
00:39:19,482 --> 00:39:20,984
throw him to the floor, sir?
689
00:39:21,067 --> 00:39:22,986
What?
Throw him to the floor again,
sir?
690
00:39:23,069 --> 00:39:25,530
Oh, yes.
Throw him to the floor, please.
691
00:39:26,698 --> 00:39:27,783
Ahh!
692
00:39:27,866 --> 00:39:31,327
Now, Jewish
rapscallion…
693
00:39:31,410 --> 00:39:33,538
I'm not Jewish,
I'm a Roman.
694
00:39:33,621 --> 00:39:36,458
A Roman?
No, no, Roman.
695
00:39:36,541 --> 00:39:38,376
Ahh!
696
00:39:38,459 --> 00:39:39,878
So…
697
00:39:39,961 --> 00:39:42,089
your father
was a Roman?
698
00:39:42,172 --> 00:39:43,548
Who was he?
699
00:39:43,631 --> 00:39:47,677
He was a centurion
in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.
700
00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:49,138
Really?
701
00:39:49,221 --> 00:39:52,431
What was his name?
Naughtius Maximus.
702
00:39:56,644 --> 00:39:59,856
Centurion, do you have anyone
of that name in the garrison?
703
00:40:00,982 --> 00:40:02,943
Well, no, sir.
704
00:40:03,026 --> 00:40:06,113
Well, you sound very sure.
Have you checked?
705
00:40:06,196 --> 00:40:07,530
Well, no, sir, um…
706
00:40:07,613 --> 00:40:10,159
I think it's a joke, sir.
707
00:40:10,242 --> 00:40:11,994
Like "Sillius Soddus"
708
00:40:12,077 --> 00:40:13,995
or "Biggus Dickus," sir.
709
00:40:15,621 --> 00:40:19,625
What's so funny
about Biggus Dickus?
710
00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:24,006
Well, it's a joke name, sir.
711
00:40:24,089 --> 00:40:27,133
I have a very great friend
in Rome called Biggus Dickus.
712
00:40:30,095 --> 00:40:32,806
Silence!
What is all this insolence?
713
00:40:32,889 --> 00:40:36,559
You will find yourself in
gladiator school very quickly
714
00:40:36,642 --> 00:40:38,478
with rotten behavior like that.
715
00:40:38,561 --> 00:40:40,147
Can I go now, sir?
716
00:40:40,230 --> 00:40:42,482
Ahh!
717
00:40:42,565 --> 00:40:44,442
Wait till Biggus Dickus
hears of this.
718
00:40:44,525 --> 00:40:46,320
Right!
719
00:40:46,403 --> 00:40:48,488
Take him away!
Oh, sir, he…
720
00:40:48,571 --> 00:40:51,741
No, no, I want him fighting
rabid wild animals
within a week!
721
00:40:51,824 --> 00:40:53,492
Yes, sir. Come on, you.
722
00:40:57,622 --> 00:41:03,669
I will not have my friends
ridiculed by the common
soldiery!
723
00:41:05,171 --> 00:41:08,300
Anybody else
feel like a little…
724
00:41:08,383 --> 00:41:09,676
giggle
725
00:41:09,759 --> 00:41:13,805
when I mention my friend,
726
00:41:13,888 --> 00:41:15,807
Biggus
727
00:41:17,058 --> 00:41:19,436
Dickus?
728
00:41:22,314 --> 00:41:23,940
And what about you?
729
00:41:24,023 --> 00:41:27,068
Do you find it… risible
730
00:41:29,362 --> 00:41:32,532
when I say the name
731
00:41:32,615 --> 00:41:34,284
Biggus
732
00:41:36,035 --> 00:41:37,162
Dickus?
733
00:41:56,764 --> 00:41:59,184
He has a wife, you know.
734
00:42:00,435 --> 00:42:02,520
You know what she's called?
735
00:42:05,648 --> 00:42:07,734
She's called…
736
00:42:07,817 --> 00:42:09,902
Incontinentia.
737
00:42:11,946 --> 00:42:13,573
Incontinentia Buttocks.
738
00:42:13,656 --> 00:42:15,784
Shut up!
What is all this?
739
00:42:15,867 --> 00:42:20,205
I've had enough of this rowdy,
rebel, sniggering behavior!
740
00:42:20,288 --> 00:42:23,417
Silence! You call yourselves
centurion guards?
741
00:42:23,500 --> 00:42:25,501
Seize him! Seize him!
742
00:42:25,584 --> 00:42:27,462
Blow your noses
and seize him!
743
00:42:40,599 --> 00:42:43,311
Hmm? Oh.
744
00:43:04,707 --> 00:43:07,419
Ahh!
745
00:44:25,079 --> 00:44:27,790
You lucky bastard.
746
00:44:43,473 --> 00:44:46,935
And the beast's head
shall be huge and black
747
00:44:47,018 --> 00:44:49,187
and the eyes,
they're of red,
748
00:44:49,270 --> 00:44:51,481
with the blood
of living creatures!
749
00:44:51,564 --> 00:44:55,527
And the whore of Babylon
shall ride forth
750
00:44:55,610 --> 00:44:57,695
on a three-headed serpent
751
00:44:57,778 --> 00:45:02,616
and throughout the land shall
be a great rubbing of parts.
752
00:45:02,699 --> 00:45:07,330
And the demon shall bear
a nine-bladed sword!
753
00:45:07,413 --> 00:45:11,960
Nine-bladed! Not two
or five or seven, but nine!
754
00:45:12,043 --> 00:45:14,588
Which he will wield
on all wretched sinners.
755
00:45:14,671 --> 00:45:16,756
Sinners just like you,
sir, there.
756
00:45:16,839 --> 00:45:18,800
And the horns
shall be on the head…
757
00:45:18,883 --> 00:45:21,136
Through Hebediah,
his servant,
758
00:45:21,219 --> 00:45:26,182
there shall in that time
be rumors of things going astray
759
00:45:26,265 --> 00:45:30,770
and there shall be
a great confusion as to
where things really are.
760
00:45:30,853 --> 00:45:35,233
And nobody will really know
where lieth those little things
761
00:45:35,316 --> 00:45:39,737
with the sort of raffia-work
base, that has an attachment.
762
00:45:39,820 --> 00:45:45,368
At this time, a friend shall
lose his friend's hammer
763
00:45:45,451 --> 00:45:48,288
and the young shall not
know where lieth
764
00:45:48,371 --> 00:45:50,457
the things possessed
by their fathers
765
00:45:50,540 --> 00:45:54,544
that their fathers put there
only just the night before,
about 8:00.
766
00:45:54,627 --> 00:45:57,506
Yea, it is written
in the Book of Cyril
767
00:45:57,589 --> 00:45:59,840
that in that time
shall the turds…
768
00:46:10,101 --> 00:46:12,061
How much? Quickly.
What?
769
00:46:12,144 --> 00:46:13,188
It's for the wife.
770
00:46:13,271 --> 00:46:15,898
Oh. Uh… twenty shekels.
771
00:46:15,981 --> 00:46:17,400
Right.
What?
772
00:46:17,483 --> 00:46:19,486
There you are.
Wait a minute.
773
00:46:19,569 --> 00:46:21,571
What?
Well, we're supposed to haggle.
774
00:46:21,654 --> 00:46:23,823
No, no, no. I've got to…
What do you mean,
"No, no, no"?
775
00:46:23,906 --> 00:46:25,408
I haven't got time…
Give it back then.
776
00:46:25,491 --> 00:46:27,160
No, no, no, I just paid you.
Burt.
777
00:46:27,243 --> 00:46:29,329
Yeah?
This bloke won't haggle.
778
00:46:29,412 --> 00:46:32,457
Won't haggle?!
All right, do we have to?
779
00:46:32,540 --> 00:46:35,377
Now, look, I want 20 for that.
I just gave you 20.
780
00:46:35,460 --> 00:46:37,212
Now, are you telling me
that's not worth 20 shekels?
781
00:46:37,295 --> 00:46:38,712
No.
Look at it.
782
00:46:38,795 --> 00:46:40,632
Feel the quality,
that's none of your goat.
783
00:46:40,715 --> 00:46:42,133
All right,
I'll give you 19 then.
784
00:46:42,216 --> 00:46:43,801
No, no, no.
Come on, do it properly.
785
00:46:43,884 --> 00:46:46,221
What?
Haggle properly,
this isn't worth 19.
786
00:46:46,304 --> 00:46:47,681
Well, you just said
it was worth 20.
787
00:46:47,764 --> 00:46:49,265
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
788
00:46:49,348 --> 00:46:51,643
Come on, haggle.
All right, I'll give you ten.
789
00:46:51,726 --> 00:46:55,021
That's more like it. Ten?
Are you trying to insult me?
790
00:46:55,104 --> 00:46:58,149
Me, with a poor,
dying grandmother? Ten?
791
00:46:58,232 --> 00:47:00,776
All right, I'll give you 11.
Now you're getting it, 11?!
792
00:47:00,859 --> 00:47:02,987
Did I hear you right?
Eleven?
793
00:47:03,070 --> 00:47:05,323
This cost me 12,
you want to ruin me?
794
00:47:05,406 --> 00:47:07,867
Seventeen?
No, no, no, no, "17"!
795
00:47:07,950 --> 00:47:10,704
Eighteen?
No, no, you go to 14 now.
796
00:47:10,787 --> 00:47:13,707
All right, I'll give you 14.
Fourteen!? Are you joking?
797
00:47:13,790 --> 00:47:15,791
That's what you told me to say!
Oh, dear.
798
00:47:15,874 --> 00:47:18,211
Tell me what to say, please!
799
00:47:18,294 --> 00:47:20,422
Offer me 14.
I'll give you 14.
800
00:47:20,505 --> 00:47:23,258
He's offering me 14 for this!
Fifteen!
801
00:47:23,341 --> 00:47:26,844
Seventeen. My last word,
I won't take a penny less,
or strike me dead.
802
00:47:26,927 --> 00:47:28,262
Sixteen.
Done.
803
00:47:29,681 --> 00:47:31,140
Nice to do business with you.
804
00:47:31,223 --> 00:47:32,684
Tell you what,
I'll throw you in this as well.
805
00:47:32,767 --> 00:47:34,310
I don't want it, but thanks.
Burt.
806
00:47:34,393 --> 00:47:36,479
Yeah.
All right,
all right, all right.
807
00:47:36,562 --> 00:47:38,898
Now, where's the 16 you owe me?
I just gave you 20.
808
00:47:38,981 --> 00:47:40,900
Oh, yeah, that's right.
That's four I owe you then.
809
00:47:40,983 --> 00:47:42,318
No, that's all right,
that's fine.
810
00:47:42,401 --> 00:47:43,653
No, hang on.
I've got it here somewhere.
811
00:47:43,736 --> 00:47:45,238
It's all right,
that's four for the gourd.
812
00:47:45,321 --> 00:47:47,073
Four? For this gourd?
813
00:47:47,156 --> 00:47:49,992
Four!? Look at it, it's worth
ten if it's worth a shekel!
814
00:47:50,075 --> 00:47:51,953
You just gave it
to me for nothing.
815
00:47:52,036 --> 00:47:53,580
Yes, but it's worth ten.
816
00:47:53,663 --> 00:47:57,542
All right, all right.
817
00:47:57,625 --> 00:48:01,588
No, no, no, no,
it's not worth ten,
you're supposed to argue.
818
00:48:01,671 --> 00:48:04,382
"Ten for that? You must be mad!"
819
00:48:06,592 --> 00:48:09,220
Oh, well.
One born every minute.
820
00:48:10,304 --> 00:48:12,140
Daniel.
Daniel.
821
00:48:12,223 --> 00:48:13,642
Job.
Job.
822
00:48:13,725 --> 00:48:15,351
Job.
Joshua.
823
00:48:15,434 --> 00:48:16,770
Joshua.
Joshua.
824
00:48:16,853 --> 00:48:17,895
Judges.
Judges.
825
00:48:17,978 --> 00:48:19,731
Judges.
And Brian.
826
00:48:19,814 --> 00:48:22,317
And Brian.
And Brian.
827
00:48:22,400 --> 00:48:26,237
I now propose that all seven
of these ex-brothers
828
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:29,907
be now entered in the minutes
as probationary martyrs
to the cause.
829
00:48:29,990 --> 00:48:33,662
I second that, Reg.
Thank you, Loretta. On the nod.
830
00:48:33,745 --> 00:48:37,707
Siblings,
let us not be down-hearted.
831
00:48:37,790 --> 00:48:42,712
One total catastrophe like this
is just the beginning!
832
00:48:42,795 --> 00:48:45,799
Their glorious deaths
shall unite us all in a…
833
00:48:45,882 --> 00:48:46,633
Look out!
834
00:48:46,716 --> 00:48:49,301
]
835
00:48:59,061 --> 00:49:02,147
Hello? Matthias?
836
00:49:03,566 --> 00:49:05,902
Reg.
Go away.
837
00:49:07,069 --> 00:49:08,862
Reg, it's me, Brian.
838
00:49:08,945 --> 00:49:10,864
Get off. Get off, out of it.
839
00:49:10,947 --> 00:49:12,241
Stan?
Piss off.
840
00:49:12,324 --> 00:49:14,535
Yeah, piss off.
Bugger off.
841
00:49:16,161 --> 00:49:19,373
Oh, shit!
842
00:49:20,458 --> 00:49:22,501
Coming.
843
00:49:26,923 --> 00:49:30,593
Yea, verily at that time,
which is written
in the Book of Obadiah,
844
00:49:30,676 --> 00:49:35,181
a man shall strike his donkey
and his nephew's donkey,
845
00:49:35,264 --> 00:49:38,434
and anyone in the vicinity of
either the nephew or the donkey.
846
00:49:38,517 --> 00:49:41,937
My eyes are dim,
I cannot see.
847
00:49:42,020 --> 00:49:43,981
Are you Matthias?
Yes.
848
00:49:44,064 --> 00:49:47,109
We have reason to believe
you may be hiding one
Brian of Nazareth,
849
00:49:47,192 --> 00:49:50,780
a member of
the terrorist organization
the People's Front of Judea.
850
00:49:50,863 --> 00:49:55,451
Me? No, I'm just a poor old man,
I have no time for lawbreakers.
851
00:49:55,534 --> 00:49:57,953
My legs are grey,
my ears are nulled,
852
00:49:58,036 --> 00:50:00,749
my eyes are old and bent…
Quiet!
853
00:50:00,832 --> 00:50:04,293
Silly person.
Guards, search the house.
854
00:50:14,887 --> 00:50:19,350
You know the penalty
laid down by Roman law
for harboring a known criminal?
855
00:50:19,433 --> 00:50:21,352
No.
Crucifixion.
856
00:50:21,435 --> 00:50:22,561
Oh.
857
00:50:24,396 --> 00:50:25,690
Nasty, eh?
858
00:50:25,773 --> 00:50:27,525
It could be worse.
859
00:50:27,608 --> 00:50:29,985
What do you mean,
"could be worse"?
860
00:50:30,068 --> 00:50:32,321
Well, you could be
stabbed.
861
00:50:32,404 --> 00:50:34,490
Stabbed?
It takes a second.
862
00:50:34,573 --> 00:50:38,578
Crucifixion lasts hours.
It's a slow, horrible death.
863
00:50:38,661 --> 00:50:42,206
Well, at least it gets you
out in the open air.
864
00:50:43,290 --> 00:50:44,834
You're weird.
865
00:50:52,758 --> 00:50:56,053
No, sir,
couldn't find anything, sir.
866
00:50:56,136 --> 00:50:59,973
Well, don't worry, you've not
seen the last of us… weirdo.
867
00:51:00,056 --> 00:51:02,267
Big nose.
Watch it!
868
00:51:04,854 --> 00:51:07,147
Whew! That was lucky.
869
00:51:11,109 --> 00:51:12,487
I'm sorry, Reg.
870
00:51:12,570 --> 00:51:15,197
Oh, it's all right.
Siblings, he's sorry.
871
00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:18,033
He's sorry he led
the Fifth legion straight to
our official headquarters.
872
00:51:18,116 --> 00:51:19,744
Well, that's all right then,
Brian.
873
00:51:19,827 --> 00:51:23,038
Sit down! Have a scone.
Make yourself at home.
874
00:51:23,121 --> 00:51:24,874
You klutz!
875
00:51:24,957 --> 00:51:28,293
You stupid, birdbrained,
flat-headed…
876
00:51:32,965 --> 00:51:35,509
…with a great
juicy melon behind.
877
00:51:37,219 --> 00:51:40,473
My legs are old and bent,
my ears are grizzled, yes?
878
00:51:40,556 --> 00:51:43,434
There's one place
we didn't look.
879
00:51:43,517 --> 00:51:45,269
Guards!
I'm just a poor old man,
880
00:51:45,352 --> 00:51:50,065
my sight is dim, my eyes are
poor, my nose is knackered.
881
00:51:50,148 --> 00:51:52,902
Have you ever seen
anyone crucified?
882
00:51:52,985 --> 00:51:55,738
Crucifixion's a doddle.
883
00:51:55,821 --> 00:51:57,823
Don't keep saying that.
884
00:52:02,244 --> 00:52:04,539
Found this spoon, sir.
885
00:52:04,622 --> 00:52:06,540
Well done, sergeant.
886
00:52:07,625 --> 00:52:10,669
We'll be back…
oddball.
887
00:52:13,089 --> 00:52:15,591
Open up.
888
00:52:15,674 --> 00:52:18,219
You haven't given us
time to hide.
889
00:52:18,302 --> 00:52:20,262
Ahh!
890
00:52:20,345 --> 00:52:22,765
Whoa!
891
00:52:42,076 --> 00:52:44,829
Don't pass judgment
on other people,
892
00:52:44,912 --> 00:52:47,080
or you might get
judged yourself.
893
00:52:47,163 --> 00:52:48,583
What?
894
00:52:48,666 --> 00:52:50,585
I said, don't pass judgment
on other people
895
00:52:50,668 --> 00:52:53,128
or else you might
get judged too.
896
00:52:53,211 --> 00:52:55,214
Who, me?
Yes.
897
00:52:55,297 --> 00:52:56,716
Oh, thank you very much.
898
00:52:56,799 --> 00:52:58,801
Well, not just you,
all of you.
899
00:52:58,884 --> 00:53:01,220
That's a nice gourd.
What?
900
00:53:01,303 --> 00:53:03,389
How much do you want
for the gourd?
You can have it.
901
00:53:03,472 --> 00:53:06,017
Have it?
Yes. Consider the lilies.
902
00:53:06,100 --> 00:53:08,811
Don't you want to haggle?
No. In the field.
903
00:53:08,894 --> 00:53:11,104
What's wrong with it, then?
Nothing, take it.
904
00:53:11,187 --> 00:53:14,316
Consider the lilies?
Well, the birds, then.
905
00:53:14,399 --> 00:53:15,902
What birds?
Any birds.
906
00:53:15,985 --> 00:53:19,112
Why?
Well, have they got jobs?
907
00:53:19,195 --> 00:53:21,198
Who?
The birds.
908
00:53:21,281 --> 00:53:22,700
Have the birds got jobs?!
909
00:53:22,783 --> 00:53:24,452
What's the matter
with him?
910
00:53:24,535 --> 00:53:26,245
He says the birds
are scrounging.
911
00:53:26,328 --> 00:53:29,498
No, the point is the birds,
they do all right, don't they?
912
00:53:29,581 --> 00:53:32,460
Well, and good luck to them!
Yeah, they're very pretty.
913
00:53:32,543 --> 00:53:36,798
Okay. And you're much more
important than they are, right?
914
00:53:36,881 --> 00:53:39,341
So, what are you worrying about?
There you are! See?
915
00:53:39,424 --> 00:53:41,970
I'm worrying about what
you've got against birds.
916
00:53:42,053 --> 00:53:45,306
I haven't got anything against
birds. Consider lilies…
917
00:53:45,389 --> 00:53:47,308
He's having a go
at the flowers now.
918
00:53:47,391 --> 00:53:49,602
Give the flowers a chance.
I'll give you one for it.
919
00:53:49,685 --> 00:53:51,395
It's yours!
Two then.
920
00:53:51,478 --> 00:53:54,857
Look, there was this
man, and he had two servants…
921
00:53:54,940 --> 00:53:56,233
What were they called?
What?
922
00:53:56,316 --> 00:53:58,569
What were their names?
I don't know.
923
00:53:58,652 --> 00:54:00,029
And he gave them
some talents…
924
00:54:00,112 --> 00:54:02,615
You don't know?
Well, it doesn't matter.
925
00:54:02,698 --> 00:54:04,617
He doesn't know
what they were called!
926
00:54:04,700 --> 00:54:06,535
Oh, they were called
Simon and Adrian. Now…
927
00:54:06,618 --> 00:54:08,746
You said you didn't know!
928
00:54:08,829 --> 00:54:11,124
It really doesn't matter,
the point is there were
these two servants…
929
00:54:11,207 --> 00:54:13,417
He's making it up
as he goes along!
930
00:54:13,500 --> 00:54:15,168
No, I'm not!
And he gave them…
931
00:54:15,251 --> 00:54:17,005
Wait a minute,
were there three?
932
00:54:17,088 --> 00:54:20,424
He's terrible.
There were three
stewards really.
933
00:54:20,507 --> 00:54:22,176
Oh, get off!
934
00:54:28,766 --> 00:54:30,392
Now…Now, hear this.
935
00:54:30,475 --> 00:54:33,771
Blessed are they who convert
their neighbor's ox,
936
00:54:33,854 --> 00:54:36,565
for they shall
inhibit their girth.
937
00:54:36,648 --> 00:54:39,360
Rubbish!
And, to them only,
938
00:54:39,443 --> 00:54:42,071
shall be given…
939
00:54:42,154 --> 00:54:45,074
To them only
940
00:54:45,157 --> 00:54:48,619
shall be given…
941
00:54:50,246 --> 00:54:51,664
What?
Hmm?
942
00:54:51,747 --> 00:54:54,625
Shall be given what?
Oh, nothing.
943
00:54:54,708 --> 00:54:56,502
What were you going to say?
Nothing.
944
00:54:56,585 --> 00:54:57,879
Yes, you were going
to say something.
945
00:54:57,962 --> 00:54:59,839
No, I wasn't. I finished.
Oh, no, no.
946
00:54:59,922 --> 00:55:01,757
Come on,
tell us before you go.
947
00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:03,801
I wasn't going to say anything.
I finished.
No, you hadn't.
948
00:55:03,884 --> 00:55:05,803
What won't he tell us?
He won't say.
949
00:55:05,886 --> 00:55:07,346
Is it a secret?
No.
950
00:55:07,429 --> 00:55:09,473
Is it?
It must be,
otherwise he'd tell us.
951
00:55:09,556 --> 00:55:11,350
Oh, tell us the secret.
Leave me alone.
952
00:55:11,433 --> 00:55:13,978
What is the secret?
Is it the secret
of eternal life?
953
00:55:14,061 --> 00:55:15,646
He won't say!
Of course not!
954
00:55:15,729 --> 00:55:17,940
If I knew the secret
of eternal life,
I wouldn't say.
955
00:55:18,023 --> 00:55:19,901
Leave me alone.
Just tell me, please.
956
00:55:19,984 --> 00:55:21,693
No, tell us, master,
we were here first.
957
00:55:22,736 --> 00:55:24,613
Five!
Go away!
958
00:55:24,696 --> 00:55:26,490
Tell us, master.
I can't go above five.
959
00:55:26,573 --> 00:55:29,451
Is that his gourd?
Yes, but it's under offer.
960
00:55:29,534 --> 00:55:33,122
This is his gourd.
Ten!
961
00:55:33,205 --> 00:55:34,999
It is his gourd.
962
00:55:35,082 --> 00:55:38,044
We will carry it for you,
master.
963
00:55:38,127 --> 00:55:40,088
Master?
964
00:55:40,171 --> 00:55:42,965
He's gone.
He's been taken up.
965
00:55:43,048 --> 00:55:47,302
Oh, he has been taken up!
Eighteen!
966
00:55:47,385 --> 00:55:49,096
No, there he is.
Over there.
967
00:56:14,997 --> 00:56:16,958
Look! Look!
968
00:56:17,041 --> 00:56:19,043
He has given us a sign.
969
00:56:19,126 --> 00:56:21,796
He has given us his shoe!
970
00:56:21,879 --> 00:56:24,423
The shoe is the sign!
Let us follow his example!
971
00:56:24,506 --> 00:56:27,009
What?
Let us, like him,
972
00:56:27,092 --> 00:56:29,887
hold up one shoe and let
the other be upon our foot,
973
00:56:29,970 --> 00:56:33,682
for this is his sign
that all who follow him
shall do likewise!
974
00:56:33,765 --> 00:56:35,768
No, no, the shoe is a sign
975
00:56:35,851 --> 00:56:39,021
that we must gather shoes
together in abundance.
976
00:56:39,104 --> 00:56:41,565
Cast off the shoes.
Follow the gourd!
977
00:56:41,648 --> 00:56:44,152
No, let us gather
shoes together.
978
00:56:44,235 --> 00:56:46,279
Let me!
Oh, get off!
979
00:56:46,362 --> 00:56:49,282
No, it is a sign that, like him,
we must think not of
the things of the body,
980
00:56:49,365 --> 00:56:51,033
but of the face and head!
981
00:56:51,116 --> 00:56:54,078
Give me your shoe!
Get off!
982
00:56:54,161 --> 00:56:57,581
Follow the gourd,
the holy gourd of Jerusalem!
983
00:56:57,664 --> 00:56:58,874
The gourd!
984
00:56:58,957 --> 00:57:00,876
Hold up the sandal,
like he has…
985
00:57:00,959 --> 00:57:03,378
It is a shoe! It is a shoe!
It's a sandal!
986
00:57:03,461 --> 00:57:06,632
No, it isn't! It is a shoe!
Cast it away!
987
00:57:06,715 --> 00:57:08,301
Put it on!
Now clear off.
988
00:57:08,384 --> 00:57:10,678
Take the shoes and follow him!
989
00:57:10,761 --> 00:57:14,514
Come all ye who call
yourselves Gourdenes.
990
00:57:17,101 --> 00:57:18,727
Stop, I say.
991
00:57:18,810 --> 00:57:21,438
Stop. Let us…
992
00:57:22,522 --> 00:57:24,608
Let us pray.
993
00:57:24,691 --> 00:57:27,611
Yea, he cometh to us
994
00:57:27,694 --> 00:57:30,322
like the seed to the grave…
995
00:57:52,970 --> 00:57:55,973
Master! Master!
996
00:58:17,577 --> 00:58:21,207
Hey, is there
another way down?
997
00:58:21,290 --> 00:58:24,335
Is there another path
down to the river?
998
00:58:25,961 --> 00:58:28,088
Please, please, help me!
I've got to get…
999
00:58:32,301 --> 00:58:33,385
Oh, my foot!
1000
00:58:35,637 --> 00:58:38,599
Damn! Damn! Damn!
I'm sorry.
1001
00:58:38,682 --> 00:58:42,477
Oh, damn! Damn and blast it!
I'm sorry! Shh!
1002
00:58:42,560 --> 00:58:43,938
Don't you "shh" me.
1003
00:58:44,021 --> 00:58:46,982
Eighteen years of total silence,
and you "shh" me.
1004
00:58:47,065 --> 00:58:50,236
What?
I've kept my vow for 18 years.
1005
00:58:50,319 --> 00:58:53,155
Not a single recognizable,
articulate sound
1006
00:58:53,238 --> 00:58:54,782
has passed my lips.
1007
00:58:54,865 --> 00:58:56,575
Oh, please, could you be quiet
for another five minutes?
1008
00:58:56,658 --> 00:58:59,494
Oh, it doesn't matter now,
I might as well enjoy myself.
1009
00:58:59,577 --> 00:59:03,332
The times in the last 18 years
I wanted to shout and sing
1010
00:59:03,415 --> 00:59:06,543
and scream my name out!
Oh, I'm alive!
Shh! Shh!
1011
00:59:06,626 --> 00:59:12,508
* Hava nagila hava nagila
Hava nagila… *
1012
00:59:14,051 --> 00:59:15,552
Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive!
1013
00:59:15,635 --> 00:59:18,889
Hello, birds! Hello, trees!
I'm alive!
1014
00:59:18,972 --> 00:59:20,265
Get off! I'm alive!
1015
00:59:25,396 --> 00:59:29,733
Master! Master!
1016
00:59:29,816 --> 00:59:32,361
The master! He is here!
1017
00:59:32,444 --> 00:59:34,405
His shoe!
It was the gourd!
1018
00:59:35,739 --> 00:59:37,408
The shoe has brought us!
1019
00:59:37,491 --> 00:59:40,661
Speak! Speak to us, master!
Speak to us!
1020
00:59:40,744 --> 00:59:42,371
Go away!
1021
00:59:42,454 --> 00:59:45,499
A blessing! A blessing!
1022
00:59:45,582 --> 00:59:47,668
How shall we go away, master?
1023
00:59:47,751 --> 00:59:50,129
Just go away and leave me alone.
1024
00:59:50,212 --> 00:59:52,173
Give us a sign.
1025
00:59:52,256 --> 00:59:55,717
He has given us a sign,
he has brought us to this place!
1026
00:59:55,800 --> 00:59:58,429
I didn't bring you here,
you just followed me!
1027
00:59:58,512 --> 01:00:01,515
Oh, it's still a good sign,
by any standard.
1028
01:00:01,598 --> 01:00:04,810
Master, your people have walked
many miles to be with you.
1029
01:00:04,893 --> 01:00:06,603
They are weary
and have not eaten.
1030
01:00:06,686 --> 01:00:08,856
It's not my fault
they haven't eaten!
1031
01:00:08,939 --> 01:00:11,317
There is no food
in this high mountain.
1032
01:00:11,400 --> 01:00:14,903
What about the juniper bushes
over there?
1033
01:00:14,986 --> 01:00:18,949
A miracle! A miracle!
1034
01:00:19,032 --> 01:00:22,536
He has made the bush
fruitful by his word!
1035
01:00:22,619 --> 01:00:24,705
They brought forth
juniper berries!
1036
01:00:24,788 --> 01:00:27,791
Of course they brought forth
juniper berries,
they're juniper bushes.
1037
01:00:27,874 --> 01:00:30,961
What do you expect?!
Show us another miracle.
1038
01:00:31,044 --> 01:00:33,172
Do not tempt him,
shallow ones!
1039
01:00:33,255 --> 01:00:37,176
Is not the miracle
of the juniper bushes enough?
1040
01:00:37,259 --> 01:00:39,470
I say, those are
my juniper bushes.
1041
01:00:39,553 --> 01:00:41,138
They are a gift
from God!
1042
01:00:41,221 --> 01:00:43,224
They're all I've
bloody got to eat.
1043
01:00:43,307 --> 01:00:46,143
I say, get off
of those bushes! Go on!
1044
01:00:46,226 --> 01:00:48,437
Clear off, the lot of you.
1045
01:00:48,520 --> 01:00:52,607
Lord, I am affected
by a bald patch.
1046
01:00:52,690 --> 01:00:56,278
I'm healed!
The master has healed me!
1047
01:00:56,361 --> 01:00:57,488
I didn't touch him!
1048
01:00:57,571 --> 01:01:00,157
I was blind,
and now I can see!
1049
01:01:00,240 --> 01:01:04,495
A miracle!
A miracle! A miracle!
1050
01:01:06,246 --> 01:01:07,831
Tell them to stop it.
1051
01:01:07,914 --> 01:01:10,876
I hadn't said a word
for 18 years till he came along.
1052
01:01:10,959 --> 01:01:14,922
A miracle!
He is the Messiah!
1053
01:01:15,005 --> 01:01:16,507
And he hurt my foot!
1054
01:01:16,590 --> 01:01:20,135
Hurt my foot, Lord!
Hurt mine! Hurt mine!
1055
01:01:20,218 --> 01:01:23,931
Hail Messiah!
I'm not the Messiah!
1056
01:01:24,014 --> 01:01:27,518
I say you are, Lord.
And I should know,
I've followed a few!
1057
01:01:27,601 --> 01:01:29,937
Hail Messiah!
1058
01:01:30,020 --> 01:01:32,147
I'm not the Messiah!
Would you please listen,
1059
01:01:32,230 --> 01:01:34,608
I am not the Messiah,
do you understand?
1060
01:01:34,691 --> 01:01:36,902
Honestly!
1061
01:01:36,985 --> 01:01:40,697
Only the true Messiah
denies his divinity.
1062
01:01:40,780 --> 01:01:43,992
What? Well, what sort of chance
does that give me?
1063
01:01:44,075 --> 01:01:46,161
All right, I am the Messiah!
1064
01:01:46,244 --> 01:01:50,207
He is!
He is the Messiah!
1065
01:01:50,290 --> 01:01:52,959
Now, fuck off!
1066
01:02:00,342 --> 01:02:02,136
How shall we fuck off,
o Lord?
1067
01:02:02,219 --> 01:02:04,179
Oh, just go away!
Leave me alone!
1068
01:02:04,262 --> 01:02:07,182
You told these people
to eat my juniper berries.
1069
01:02:07,265 --> 01:02:10,185
You break my bloody foot,
you break my vow of silence
1070
01:02:10,268 --> 01:02:13,105
and then you try and clean up
on my juniper bushes!
1071
01:02:13,188 --> 01:02:16,900
Lay off! This is the Messiah,
the chosen one!
1072
01:02:16,983 --> 01:02:20,321
No, he's not.
An unbeliever!
1073
01:02:20,404 --> 01:02:21,738
An unbeliever!
1074
01:02:21,821 --> 01:02:24,575
Persecute! Kill the heretic!
1075
01:02:24,658 --> 01:02:26,994
Yeah! Kill! Kill! Kill!
1076
01:02:27,077 --> 01:02:30,205
Kill!
Leave him alone!
1077
01:02:30,288 --> 01:02:33,000
Leave him alone!
1078
01:02:33,083 --> 01:02:35,294
Leave him alone.
1079
01:02:35,377 --> 01:02:38,672
Put him down. Please!
1080
01:02:42,342 --> 01:02:43,636
Brian?
1081
01:02:43,719 --> 01:02:45,345
Judith?
1082
01:02:49,849 --> 01:02:51,560
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
1083
01:03:31,933 --> 01:03:33,977
Look, there he is!
1084
01:03:34,060 --> 01:03:37,063
The chosen one has woken!
1085
01:03:39,065 --> 01:03:40,358
Brian!
1086
01:03:41,693 --> 01:03:42,986
Ooh! Mother!
1087
01:03:43,069 --> 01:03:46,239
Brian!
Hang on, Mother!
1088
01:03:49,660 --> 01:03:53,080
Hello, Mother.
Don't you "hello, Mother" me.
1089
01:03:53,163 --> 01:03:54,915
What are those people
doing out there?
1090
01:03:54,998 --> 01:03:56,375
Oh, well, I…
1091
01:03:56,458 --> 01:03:58,293
Come on! What have you
been up to, my lad?
1092
01:03:58,376 --> 01:04:00,837
I think they must have
popped by for something.
1093
01:04:00,920 --> 01:04:02,130
Popped by?!
1094
01:04:02,213 --> 01:04:04,049
Swarmed by, more like.
1095
01:04:04,132 --> 01:04:06,301
There's a multitude out there!
1096
01:04:06,384 --> 01:04:07,969
They started
following me yesterday.
1097
01:04:08,052 --> 01:04:11,306
Well, they can stop
following you right now.
1098
01:04:12,474 --> 01:04:14,768
Now stop following my son.
1099
01:04:14,851 --> 01:04:17,354
You ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.
1100
01:04:17,437 --> 01:04:21,942
The Messiah! The Messiah!
Show us the Messiah!
1101
01:04:22,025 --> 01:04:25,696
The who?
The Messiah!
1102
01:04:25,779 --> 01:04:27,364
There's no Messiah in here.
1103
01:04:27,447 --> 01:04:29,575
There's a mess all right,
but no Messiah.
1104
01:04:29,658 --> 01:04:30,909
Now go away!
1105
01:04:30,992 --> 01:04:33,120
Brian! Brian!
1106
01:04:33,203 --> 01:04:35,706
Right, my lad,
what have you been up to?
1107
01:04:35,789 --> 01:04:37,874
Nothing, Mum.
Come on, out with it.
1108
01:04:37,957 --> 01:04:39,834
They think I'm the Messiah, Mum.
1109
01:04:39,917 --> 01:04:41,670
What have you been
telling them?
1110
01:04:41,753 --> 01:04:42,963
Nothing, I only…
1111
01:04:43,046 --> 01:04:44,089
You're only making it
worse for yourself.
1112
01:04:44,172 --> 01:04:45,716
Look, I can explain…
1113
01:04:45,799 --> 01:04:51,012
No, let me explain, Mrs. Cohen!
Your son is a born leader!
1114
01:04:51,095 --> 01:04:54,391
Those people out there are
following him because they
believe in him, Mrs. Cohen.
1115
01:04:54,474 --> 01:04:56,226
They believe he can
give them hope.
1116
01:04:56,309 --> 01:05:00,397
Hope of a new life,
a new world, a better future!
1117
01:05:02,524 --> 01:05:06,194
Who's that!?
Oh! That's Judith, Mum.
1118
01:05:06,277 --> 01:05:07,904
Judith, Mother.
1119
01:05:07,987 --> 01:05:11,366
Hmm. Ahh!
1120
01:05:11,449 --> 01:05:15,663
Ooh…!
Show us
the Messiah!
1121
01:05:15,746 --> 01:05:18,540
Show us the Messiah!
1122
01:05:18,623 --> 01:05:21,876
Now you listen here,
he's not the Messiah!
1123
01:05:21,959 --> 01:05:25,297
He's a very naughty boy!
Now go away!
1124
01:05:25,380 --> 01:05:26,923
Who are you?
1125
01:05:27,006 --> 01:05:29,510
I'm his mother, that's who.
1126
01:05:29,593 --> 01:05:33,930
Behold his mother!
Behold his mother!
1127
01:05:34,013 --> 01:05:37,518
Hail to thee, mother of Brian!
1128
01:05:37,601 --> 01:05:41,313
Blessed art thou! Hosanna!
1129
01:05:41,396 --> 01:05:45,818
All things to thee,
now and always!
1130
01:05:45,901 --> 01:05:48,821
Now, don't think you can
get around me like that.
1131
01:05:48,904 --> 01:05:52,990
He's not coming out,
and that's my final word.
1132
01:05:54,075 --> 01:05:55,160
Now shove off!
1133
01:05:55,243 --> 01:05:57,663
No!
1134
01:05:57,746 --> 01:05:59,832
Did you hear what I said?
1135
01:05:59,915 --> 01:06:01,291
Yes!
1136
01:06:01,374 --> 01:06:04,252
Oh, I see.
It's like that, is it?
1137
01:06:04,335 --> 01:06:05,920
Yes!
1138
01:06:06,003 --> 01:06:09,633
Oh, all right then, you can
see him for one minute,
1139
01:06:09,716 --> 01:06:12,553
but not one second more,
do you understand?
1140
01:06:12,636 --> 01:06:14,221
Yes.
1141
01:06:14,304 --> 01:06:15,096
Promise?
1142
01:06:15,179 --> 01:06:19,059
Well, all right.
1143
01:06:19,142 --> 01:06:20,811
All right, here he is then.
1144
01:06:20,894 --> 01:06:22,437
Come on, Brian,
come and talk to them.
1145
01:06:22,520 --> 01:06:25,190
But, Mum, Judith…
Leave that Welsh tart alone.
1146
01:06:25,273 --> 01:06:27,317
I don't really want to, Mum.
1147
01:06:34,783 --> 01:06:35,743
Good morning!
1148
01:06:35,826 --> 01:06:38,119
A blessing! A blessing!
1149
01:06:38,202 --> 01:06:43,250
No, please.
Please, please, listen!
1150
01:06:43,333 --> 01:06:46,044
I've got one or two things
to say.
1151
01:06:46,127 --> 01:06:48,756
Tell us!
Tell us both of them!
1152
01:06:48,839 --> 01:06:51,425
Look, you've got it all wrong!
1153
01:06:51,508 --> 01:06:53,844
You don't need to follow me.
1154
01:06:53,927 --> 01:06:57,514
You don't need to
follow anybody!
1155
01:06:57,597 --> 01:07:00,141
You've got to
think for yourselves.
1156
01:07:00,224 --> 01:07:02,686
You're all individuals!
1157
01:07:02,769 --> 01:07:06,314
Yes, we're all
individuals!
1158
01:07:06,397 --> 01:07:08,316
You're all different.
1159
01:07:08,399 --> 01:07:11,486
Yes, we are all different!
1160
01:07:11,569 --> 01:07:12,904
I'm not.
1161
01:07:14,489 --> 01:07:18,034
You've all got to work it out
for yourselves!
1162
01:07:18,117 --> 01:07:22,372
Yes, we've got to work it
out for ourselves!
1163
01:07:22,455 --> 01:07:24,750
Exactly!
1164
01:07:24,833 --> 01:07:26,585
Tell us more!
1165
01:07:26,668 --> 01:07:31,131
No, that's the point! Don't let
anyone tell you what to do!
1166
01:07:31,214 --> 01:07:34,676
Otherwise… Oh, no!
That's enough! That's enough.
1167
01:07:36,678 --> 01:07:39,222
That wasn't a minute.
1168
01:07:40,390 --> 01:07:42,267
Oh, yes, it was.
1169
01:07:42,350 --> 01:07:44,770
Oh, no, it wasn't!
1170
01:07:44,853 --> 01:07:47,689
Now stop that and go away.
1171
01:07:47,772 --> 01:07:50,024
Excuse me?
Yes?
1172
01:07:50,107 --> 01:07:52,319
Are you a virgin?
1173
01:07:52,402 --> 01:07:54,362
I beg your pardon?
1174
01:07:54,445 --> 01:07:58,867
Well, if it's not a personal
question, are you a virgin?
1175
01:07:58,950 --> 01:08:01,536
"If it's not a
personal question"?!
1176
01:08:01,619 --> 01:08:04,247
How much more
personal can you get?
1177
01:08:04,330 --> 01:08:06,457
Now piss off.
1178
01:08:07,876 --> 01:08:10,336
She is.
Must be. Definitely.
1179
01:08:14,758 --> 01:08:17,510
Morning, Savior!
1180
01:08:27,186 --> 01:08:29,356
Lay your hands on me! Quick!
1181
01:08:29,439 --> 01:08:32,860
Now, don't jostle
the chosen one! Please!
1182
01:08:32,943 --> 01:08:35,904
Don't push that baby
in the Savior's face!
1183
01:08:35,987 --> 01:08:37,739
He'll touch it later!
1184
01:08:37,822 --> 01:08:41,284
I say, could he see my wife?
She has a headache.
1185
01:08:41,367 --> 01:08:42,995
You'll have to wait,
I'm afraid!
1186
01:08:43,078 --> 01:08:45,205
She's very bad, and we've got
a luncheon appointment.
1187
01:08:45,288 --> 01:08:46,915
Look, the lepers are queuing!
1188
01:08:46,998 --> 01:08:49,918
Her brother-in-law
is the ex-mayor of Gath.
1189
01:08:50,001 --> 01:08:54,047
Brian, can I introduce
the gentleman who's letting us
have the mounts on Sunday?
1190
01:08:54,130 --> 01:08:57,050
Hello.
Don't push!
1191
01:08:57,133 --> 01:09:00,178
Now keep the noise down, please!
1192
01:09:00,261 --> 01:09:04,683
Those possessed by devils,
try and keep them under control
a bit, can't you?
1193
01:09:04,766 --> 01:09:07,519
Incurables, you'll just have
to wait for a few minutes.
1194
01:09:07,602 --> 01:09:12,273
Um… women taken in sin, line
up against that wall, will you?
1195
01:09:12,356 --> 01:09:15,151
Brian?
1196
01:09:15,234 --> 01:09:17,571
Brian! You were fantastic!
1197
01:09:17,654 --> 01:09:19,364
You weren't so bad yourself.
1198
01:09:19,447 --> 01:09:21,199
No, what you said just now!
1199
01:09:21,282 --> 01:09:22,576
Quite extraordinary!
1200
01:09:22,659 --> 01:09:24,118
What? Oh, that. Was it?
1201
01:09:24,201 --> 01:09:26,204
We don't need any leaders!
You're so right!
1202
01:09:26,287 --> 01:09:28,582
Reg has been
dominating us for too long.
1203
01:09:28,665 --> 01:09:29,917
Well, yes…
1204
01:09:30,000 --> 01:09:32,126
It needed saying,
and you said it, Brian!
1205
01:09:32,209 --> 01:09:33,712
You're very attractive.
1206
01:09:33,795 --> 01:09:36,882
It's our revolution!
We can all do it together!
1207
01:09:36,965 --> 01:09:38,050
I think… I think…
1208
01:09:38,133 --> 01:09:39,384
We're all behind you, Brian!
1209
01:09:39,467 --> 01:09:41,929
The revolution
is in your hands!
1210
01:09:42,012 --> 01:09:45,223
What? No, that's not
what I meant at all!
1211
01:09:45,306 --> 01:09:47,851
You're fucking nicked,
me old beauty!
1212
01:09:47,934 --> 01:09:50,061
Right!
1213
01:09:56,985 --> 01:09:58,820
Stop it!
1214
01:10:00,404 --> 01:10:03,700
Well, Brian, you've given us
a good run for our money.
1215
01:10:03,783 --> 01:10:04,952
A what?
1216
01:10:05,035 --> 01:10:07,370
And this time,
1217
01:10:07,453 --> 01:10:10,624
I guarantee you will not escape.
1218
01:10:10,707 --> 01:10:15,169
Guard… do we have any
crucifixions today?
1219
01:10:15,252 --> 01:10:18,924
A hundred and thirty-nine, sir.
Special celebration.
Passover, sir.
1220
01:10:19,007 --> 01:10:21,718
Right! Now we have 140!
1221
01:10:21,801 --> 01:10:23,219
Nice round number, eh, Biggus?
1222
01:10:24,721 --> 01:10:27,099
Hail Caesar!
1223
01:10:27,182 --> 01:10:28,767
Hail!
1224
01:10:28,850 --> 01:10:30,560
The crowd outside are
getting a bit restless, sir.
1225
01:10:30,643 --> 01:10:32,896
Permission to disperse them,
please.
1226
01:10:32,979 --> 01:10:35,774
Disperse them? But I haven't
addressed them yet!
1227
01:10:35,857 --> 01:10:37,358
Uh, no, I know, sir, but…
1228
01:10:37,441 --> 01:10:39,611
My address is one of
the high points of Passover!
1229
01:10:39,694 --> 01:10:43,406
My friend, Biggus Dickus,
has come all the way
from Rome just to hear it!
1230
01:10:43,489 --> 01:10:45,826
Hail Caesar!
Hail Caesar!
1231
01:10:45,909 --> 01:10:49,121
You're not…
1232
01:10:49,204 --> 01:10:53,333
You're not thinking of giving
it a miss this year, then, sir?
1233
01:10:53,416 --> 01:10:55,127
Give it a miss?!
1234
01:10:55,210 --> 01:10:57,921
Well, it's just that they're in
a rather funny mood today, sir.
1235
01:10:58,004 --> 01:11:00,757
Really, centurion!
I'm surprised to hear
a man like you
1236
01:11:00,840 --> 01:11:03,593
rattled by
a rabble of rowdy rebels.
1237
01:11:03,676 --> 01:11:06,596
A bit thundery, sir.
Take him away!
1238
01:11:06,679 --> 01:11:09,850
I'm a Roman!
I can prove it, honestly!
1239
01:11:09,933 --> 01:11:13,186
And crucify him well!
1240
01:11:13,269 --> 01:11:14,395
Biggus!
1241
01:11:15,772 --> 01:11:17,107
I really wouldn't,
sir!
1242
01:11:17,190 --> 01:11:18,608
Out of the way, centurion!
1243
01:11:18,691 --> 01:11:20,276
Let me come with you, Pontius.
1244
01:11:20,359 --> 01:11:23,071
I may be of some assistance
if there is a sudden crisis!
1245
01:11:25,198 --> 01:11:26,950
Right! Now, item four,
1246
01:11:27,033 --> 01:11:29,369
attainment of world supremacy
within the next five years.
1247
01:11:29,452 --> 01:11:31,329
Uh, Francis, you've been
doing some work on this?
1248
01:11:31,412 --> 01:11:32,706
Yeah, thank you, Reg.
1249
01:11:32,789 --> 01:11:34,624
Well, quite frankly, siblings,
1250
01:11:34,707 --> 01:11:38,170
I think five years is optimistic
unless we can
smash the Roman Empire
1251
01:11:38,253 --> 01:11:39,462
within the next 12 months!
1252
01:11:39,545 --> 01:11:41,173
Twelve months?
Yeah, 12 months.
1253
01:11:41,256 --> 01:11:42,549
And let's face it,
1254
01:11:42,632 --> 01:11:45,093
as empires go,
this is the big one.
1255
01:11:45,176 --> 01:11:48,680
So we gotta get up off our asses
and stop just talking about it!
1256
01:11:48,763 --> 01:11:50,640
Hear! Hear!
1257
01:11:50,723 --> 01:11:53,601
I agree! It's action
that counts, not words,
and we need action now!
1258
01:11:53,684 --> 01:11:54,978
Hear! Hear!
1259
01:11:55,061 --> 01:11:56,688
You're right. We could
sit around here all day,
1260
01:11:56,771 --> 01:12:00,316
talking, passing resolutions,
making clever speeches,
1261
01:12:00,399 --> 01:12:02,736
it's not gonna shift
one Roman soldier!
1262
01:12:02,819 --> 01:12:04,738
So let's just stop
gabbing on about it!
1263
01:12:04,821 --> 01:12:07,407
It's completely pointless
and it's getting us nowhere!
1264
01:12:07,490 --> 01:12:08,742
Right!
1265
01:12:08,825 --> 01:12:10,868
I agree! This is a complete
waste of time!
1266
01:12:12,245 --> 01:12:12,996
They've arrested Brian!
1267
01:12:13,079 --> 01:12:14,622
What?
1268
01:12:14,705 --> 01:12:17,250
They've dragged him off!
They're gonna crucify him!
1269
01:12:17,333 --> 01:12:20,128
Right! This calls
for immediate discussion!
1270
01:12:20,211 --> 01:12:21,629
Yes.
What?!
1271
01:12:21,712 --> 01:12:22,839
Immediate!
Right!
1272
01:12:22,922 --> 01:12:24,549
New motion?
Completely new motion!
1273
01:12:24,632 --> 01:12:29,221
Uh, that, uh… that
there be immediate action…
1274
01:12:29,304 --> 01:12:30,680
Uh, once the vote
has been taken.
1275
01:12:30,763 --> 01:12:32,224
Obviously,
once the vote's been taken.
1276
01:12:32,307 --> 01:12:33,683
Can't act on a resolution
until you've voted…
1277
01:12:33,766 --> 01:12:36,144
Reg, let's go now, please!
Right! Right!
1278
01:12:36,227 --> 01:12:40,232
In the light of
fresh information
from sibling Judith…
1279
01:12:40,315 --> 01:12:42,817
Not so fast, Reg.
Reg, for God's sake!
1280
01:12:42,900 --> 01:12:44,986
It's perfectly simple!
1281
01:12:45,069 --> 01:12:47,948
All you've gotta do is
to go out of that door now
1282
01:12:48,031 --> 01:12:50,951
and try to stop the Romans
nailing him up!
1283
01:12:51,034 --> 01:12:52,577
It's happening, Reg!
1284
01:12:52,660 --> 01:12:55,038
Something's actually happening,
Reg!
1285
01:12:55,121 --> 01:12:57,665
Can't you understand?
1286
01:13:03,087 --> 01:13:04,505
Yeah, hello.
1287
01:13:04,588 --> 01:13:06,424
Another little ego trip
from the feminists.
1288
01:13:06,507 --> 01:13:08,676
What?
Oh, sorry, Loretta.
1289
01:13:08,759 --> 01:13:11,095
Uh… read that back,
would you?
1290
01:13:24,567 --> 01:13:25,777
Next.
1291
01:13:25,860 --> 01:13:27,862
Crucifixion?
Yes.
1292
01:13:27,945 --> 01:13:32,159
Good. Out of the door, line on
the left, one cross each.
1293
01:13:32,242 --> 01:13:33,785
Next.
1294
01:13:33,868 --> 01:13:35,662
Crucifixion?
Mm-hmm.
1295
01:13:35,745 --> 01:13:41,084
Good. Out of the door, line on
the left, one cross each. Next.
1296
01:13:41,167 --> 01:13:43,544
Crucifixion?
Uh, no, freedom.
1297
01:13:44,712 --> 01:13:46,089
What?
Uh, freedom for me.
1298
01:13:46,172 --> 01:13:48,175
They said I hadn't done anything
so I could go free
1299
01:13:48,258 --> 01:13:50,343
and live on an island somewhere.
1300
01:13:50,426 --> 01:13:52,262
Oh. Oh, well,
that's jolly good.
1301
01:13:52,345 --> 01:13:53,847
Well, off you go, then.
1302
01:13:53,930 --> 01:13:55,890
No, I'm only pulling your leg.
It's crucifixion, really.
1303
01:13:55,973 --> 01:13:58,476
Oh. I see.
Very good, very good.
1304
01:13:58,559 --> 01:14:00,478
Well, out of the door.
1305
01:14:00,561 --> 01:14:02,272
Yeah, I know the way.
Out of the door, one cross each,
line on the left.
1306
01:14:02,355 --> 01:14:05,192
Line on the left.
Yes, thank you.
1307
01:14:05,275 --> 01:14:06,193
Crucifixion?
1308
01:14:06,276 --> 01:14:07,318
Yes.
Good.
1309
01:14:21,332 --> 01:14:24,419
People of Jerusalem!
1310
01:14:25,920 --> 01:14:29,048
Rome is your friend!
1311
01:14:34,095 --> 01:14:38,058
To prove our friendship,
it is customary at this time
1312
01:14:38,141 --> 01:14:41,311
to release a wrongdoer
from our prisons.
1313
01:14:46,774 --> 01:14:50,403
Whom would you have me release?
1314
01:14:50,486 --> 01:14:53,573
Release Roger!
1315
01:14:53,656 --> 01:14:56,451
Release Roger!
Release Roger!
1316
01:15:00,621 --> 01:15:05,209
Very well,
I shall release Roger!
1317
01:15:08,171 --> 01:15:10,340
Sir, we don't have
a Roger, sir.
1318
01:15:10,423 --> 01:15:13,134
What?
We don't have anyone
of that name, sir.
1319
01:15:13,217 --> 01:15:17,513
Ah. We have no Roger!
1320
01:15:20,099 --> 01:15:23,019
Well, what about Roderick,
then?
Yeah!
1321
01:15:23,102 --> 01:15:26,689
Release Roderick!
Release Roderick!
1322
01:15:26,772 --> 01:15:32,820
Centurion,
why do they titter so?
1323
01:15:32,903 --> 01:15:35,948
Just some, uh,
Jewish joke, sir.
1324
01:15:37,283 --> 01:15:40,495
Are they… ragging me?
1325
01:15:41,871 --> 01:15:43,998
Oh, no, sir!
1326
01:15:45,375 --> 01:15:49,712
Very well.
I shall release Roderick!
1327
01:15:49,795 --> 01:15:51,798
Sir,
we don't have a Roderick either.
1328
01:15:51,881 --> 01:15:54,842
No Roger, no Roderick?
Sorry, sir.
1329
01:15:54,925 --> 01:15:57,137
Who is this…?
1330
01:15:57,220 --> 01:16:00,098
Who is this Roderick
to whom you refer?
1331
01:16:00,181 --> 01:16:01,849
He is a robber!
1332
01:16:03,100 --> 01:16:04,685
And a rapist!
1333
01:16:06,062 --> 01:16:08,022
And a pickpocket!
1334
01:16:08,105 --> 01:16:10,483
Yeah!
1335
01:16:11,734 --> 01:16:13,361
He sounds a notorious criminal.
1336
01:16:13,444 --> 01:16:16,323
We haven't got him, sir.
1337
01:16:16,406 --> 01:16:18,074
Do we have anyone
in our prisons at all?
1338
01:16:18,157 --> 01:16:19,659
Oh, yes, sir.
We've got a Samson, sir.
1339
01:16:19,742 --> 01:16:22,203
Samson?
Samson, the Sadducee Strangler,
sir.
1340
01:16:22,286 --> 01:16:25,081
Uh, Silas,
the Syrian Assassin.
1341
01:16:25,164 --> 01:16:28,584
Uh, several seditious scribes
from Caesarea.
1342
01:16:28,667 --> 01:16:30,337
Uh… sixty-seven…
1343
01:16:30,420 --> 01:16:32,213
Let me speak to them,
Pontius!
1344
01:16:32,296 --> 01:16:34,757
Oh, no!
Ah, good idea, Biggus.
1345
01:16:34,840 --> 01:16:39,220
Citizens! We have Samson
the Sadducee Strangler,
1346
01:16:39,303 --> 01:16:41,931
Silas the Assyrian Assassin…
1347
01:16:42,014 --> 01:16:45,768
…several seditious scribes
from Caesarea and…
1348
01:16:45,851 --> 01:16:48,062
Next.
1349
01:16:48,145 --> 01:16:49,439
Crucifixion?
1350
01:16:49,522 --> 01:16:51,232
Yes.
Good.
1351
01:16:51,315 --> 01:16:53,818
Out of the door,
line on the left,
one cross each.
1352
01:16:53,901 --> 01:16:55,487
Jailor…
Excuse me?
1353
01:16:55,570 --> 01:16:56,737
There's been some
sort of a mistake.
1354
01:16:56,820 --> 01:16:58,114
Just a moment,
would you? Jailor?
1355
01:16:58,197 --> 01:17:02,743
How many have come through?
What?
1356
01:17:02,826 --> 01:17:05,746
Uh, how many have come through?
1357
01:17:05,829 --> 01:17:07,081
What?
1358
01:17:07,164 --> 01:17:08,958
You'll have to speak…
1359
01:17:12,295 --> 01:17:14,506
Speak up a bit, sir.
He's d…
1360
01:17:14,589 --> 01:17:16,757
Oh.
1361
01:17:16,840 --> 01:17:20,094
He's deaf as a post, sir.
1362
01:17:20,177 --> 01:17:21,095
Um…
1363
01:17:21,178 --> 01:17:24,723
How many have come through?
1364
01:17:27,893 --> 01:17:30,813
Oh, dear.
I make it 90…
1365
01:17:35,526 --> 01:17:37,404
Ninety-six, sir.
1366
01:17:37,487 --> 01:17:40,114
It's such a senseless waste
of human life, isn't it?
1367
01:17:40,197 --> 01:17:41,824
No, sir!
1368
01:17:41,907 --> 01:17:46,745
Not with these…
bastards, sir!
1369
01:17:52,209 --> 01:17:54,921
Crucifixion's too good
for them, sir.
1370
01:17:55,004 --> 01:17:57,715
I don't think you could
say it's good for them,
it's very nasty!
1371
01:17:57,798 --> 01:17:59,175
Oh, it's not as n…
1372
01:18:02,761 --> 01:18:05,473
Not as nasty as something
I just thought up, sir.
1373
01:18:05,556 --> 01:18:06,349
Um…
Huh?
1374
01:18:06,432 --> 01:18:07,975
Now, um, crucifixion?
1375
01:18:08,058 --> 01:18:09,519
Is there someone
I could speak to?
1376
01:18:09,602 --> 01:18:13,022
Well…
I know where to get it
if you want it.
1377
01:18:13,105 --> 01:18:15,858
What?
Don't worry about him, sir.
1378
01:18:15,941 --> 01:18:17,234
He's…
1379
01:18:19,736 --> 01:18:22,407
He's deaf and mad, sir.
1380
01:18:22,490 --> 01:18:24,409
Well, how did he get the job?
1381
01:18:24,492 --> 01:18:26,702
Bloody Pilate's pet, sir!
1382
01:18:26,785 --> 01:18:28,455
Get a move on, big nose!
1383
01:18:28,538 --> 01:18:30,998
There's people waiting to be
crucified out here!
1384
01:18:31,081 --> 01:18:33,209
Could I see a lawyer
or someone?
1385
01:18:33,292 --> 01:18:34,752
Um, do you have a lawyer?
1386
01:18:34,835 --> 01:18:36,337
No, but I'm a Roman.
1387
01:18:36,420 --> 01:18:38,839
How about a retrial?
We've got plenty of time.
1388
01:18:38,922 --> 01:18:40,967
Shut up, you!
Miserable, bloody Romans!
1389
01:18:41,050 --> 01:18:43,177
No sense of humor.
1390
01:18:43,260 --> 01:18:44,887
I'm sorry, bit of a hurry.
1391
01:18:44,970 --> 01:18:48,015
Can you go straight out,
line on the left,
one cross each.
1392
01:18:48,098 --> 01:18:49,141
Now…
1393
01:18:58,275 --> 01:19:00,403
Was it something I said?
1394
01:19:02,738 --> 01:19:03,822
Silence!
1395
01:19:07,243 --> 01:19:09,620
This man
commands a crack legion!
1396
01:19:15,167 --> 01:19:16,835
He ranks as high
as any in Rome!
1397
01:19:22,925 --> 01:19:24,677
Crucifixion party?
1398
01:19:26,136 --> 01:19:27,680
Morning.
1399
01:19:27,763 --> 01:19:30,266
Now, we will be on show
as we go through the town,
1400
01:19:30,349 --> 01:19:32,393
so let's not let the side down!
1401
01:19:32,476 --> 01:19:35,396
Keep in a good, straight line,
three lengths between you
and the man in front
1402
01:19:35,479 --> 01:19:37,565
and a good, steady pace.
1403
01:19:37,648 --> 01:19:39,733
Crosses over
your left shoulders,
1404
01:19:39,816 --> 01:19:41,777
and if you keep
your backs hard up
1405
01:19:41,860 --> 01:19:44,321
against the crossbeam
you'll be there in no time.
1406
01:19:45,406 --> 01:19:46,533
All right, centurion!
1407
01:19:46,616 --> 01:19:48,784
Crucifixion party!
1408
01:19:48,867 --> 01:19:50,828
Wait for it.
1409
01:19:50,911 --> 01:19:53,456
Crucifixion party!
1410
01:19:53,539 --> 01:19:58,043
By the left! Forward!
1411
01:20:01,297 --> 01:20:03,882
You lucky bastards!
1412
01:20:05,050 --> 01:20:09,012
You lucky, jammy bastards!
1413
01:20:16,479 --> 01:20:19,649
Let me shoulder your burden,
brother!
1414
01:20:19,732 --> 01:20:22,234
Thank you.
1415
01:20:23,653 --> 01:20:26,406
Hey! Hey!
What do you think you're doing?
1416
01:20:26,489 --> 01:20:27,907
Uh, it's not my cross…
1417
01:20:27,990 --> 01:20:30,451
Shut up and get on with it!
Come on!
1418
01:20:32,536 --> 01:20:34,163
He had you there, mate,
didn't he?
1419
01:20:34,246 --> 01:20:35,998
That'll teach you a lesson!
1420
01:20:37,583 --> 01:20:39,960
All right!
1421
01:20:40,043 --> 01:20:42,129
I will give you one more chance!
1422
01:20:42,212 --> 01:20:46,050
This time I want to hear
no Rubens,
1423
01:20:46,133 --> 01:20:48,511
no Reginalds,
1424
01:20:48,594 --> 01:20:52,014
no Rudolph
the Red-nosed Reindeers.
1425
01:20:52,097 --> 01:20:54,225
No Spencer Tracys!
1426
01:20:54,308 --> 01:20:55,935
Or we shall release no one!
1427
01:20:56,018 --> 01:20:59,063
Release Brian!
Oh, yeah, that's a good one!
1428
01:20:59,146 --> 01:21:02,983
Release Brian!
Release Brian!
1429
01:21:05,402 --> 01:21:07,154
Very well! That's it!
1430
01:21:07,237 --> 01:21:09,907
Sir, we have got a Brian, sir.
What?
1431
01:21:09,990 --> 01:21:11,951
You just sent him
for crucifixion, sir!
1432
01:21:12,034 --> 01:21:15,204
Wait! Wait! We do have a Brian.
1433
01:21:15,287 --> 01:21:17,206
Well, go and free him,
straight away!
1434
01:21:17,289 --> 01:21:18,833
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
1435
01:21:21,043 --> 01:21:22,962
Very well.
1436
01:21:23,045 --> 01:21:26,882
I shall release Brian!
1437
01:21:30,511 --> 01:21:31,804
Get a move on, there!
1438
01:21:31,887 --> 01:21:34,390
Or what?
Or you'll be in trouble!
1439
01:21:34,473 --> 01:21:38,728
Oh, dear. You mean I might
have to give up being crucified
in the afternoons?
1440
01:21:38,811 --> 01:21:41,564
Shut up!
That would be a blow,
wouldn't it?
1441
01:21:41,647 --> 01:21:43,441
I wouldn't have nothing to do!
1442
01:21:43,524 --> 01:21:45,484
Oh, thank you!
1443
01:21:48,487 --> 01:21:51,365
Have they gone?
1444
01:21:51,448 --> 01:21:55,202
We've got lumps of it
around the back.
1445
01:21:55,285 --> 01:21:56,829
What?
1446
01:21:56,912 --> 01:21:59,874
Oh, don't worry about
him sir, he's ma…
1447
01:22:03,919 --> 01:22:05,630
He's… He's mad, sir.
1448
01:22:05,713 --> 01:22:07,631
Have they gone?!
1449
01:22:08,883 --> 01:22:10,718
Oh…
1450
01:22:17,641 --> 01:22:21,228
Oh, come on.
Yes, sir.
1451
01:22:21,311 --> 01:22:22,814
Anyway, get on
with the story.
1452
01:22:22,897 --> 01:22:26,275
Well, I just never really
liked them, so I just…
1453
01:22:26,358 --> 01:22:28,986
Right! The motion to get on with
it passed with one abstention.
1454
01:22:29,069 --> 01:22:31,739
I propose we go without further
ado. May I have a second?
1455
01:22:31,822 --> 01:22:33,990
Let's just go.
Yeah, all right.
1456
01:22:49,423 --> 01:22:51,592
Bloody Romans!
Watch it!
1457
01:22:51,675 --> 01:22:54,136
Still a few crosses left!
1458
01:22:55,638 --> 01:22:58,599
Up you go,
big nose!
1459
01:22:58,682 --> 01:23:00,560
I'll get you for this,
you bastard!
1460
01:23:00,643 --> 01:23:02,812
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah. Don't worry.
1461
01:23:02,895 --> 01:23:04,564
I never forget a face.
No?
1462
01:23:04,647 --> 01:23:09,109
I warn you. I'm gonna punch
you so hard, you Roman git!
1463
01:23:09,192 --> 01:23:11,404
Shut up,
you Jewish turd!
1464
01:23:11,487 --> 01:23:13,239
Who are you calling Jewish?
1465
01:23:13,322 --> 01:23:15,825
I'm not Jewish, I'm a Samaritan!
1466
01:23:15,908 --> 01:23:18,745
A Samaritan? This is supposed
to be a Jewish section!
1467
01:23:18,828 --> 01:23:22,665
It doesn't matter!
You're all gonna die
in a day or two!
1468
01:23:22,748 --> 01:23:26,252
It may not matter to you, Roman,
but it certainly matters to us,
doesn't it, darling?
1469
01:23:26,335 --> 01:23:27,712
Oh, rather!
1470
01:23:27,795 --> 01:23:29,922
Under the terms
of the Roman occupancy,
1471
01:23:30,005 --> 01:23:32,842
we're entitled to be crucified
in a purely Jewish area.
1472
01:23:32,925 --> 01:23:35,469
Pharisees separate
from Sadducees!
1473
01:23:35,552 --> 01:23:38,972
And Swedish
separate from Welsh!
1474
01:23:39,055 --> 01:23:42,852
All right, all right, all right!
We'll soon settle this!
1475
01:23:42,935 --> 01:23:47,648
Hands up, all those who
don't want to be crucified here!
1476
01:23:49,024 --> 01:23:50,526
Right! Next!
1477
01:23:50,609 --> 01:23:52,695
Uh, look, it's not my cross.
1478
01:23:52,778 --> 01:23:54,822
What?
Um, it's not my cross.
1479
01:23:54,905 --> 01:23:56,282
I was holding it for someone.
1480
01:23:56,365 --> 01:23:58,492
Just lie down,
I haven't got all day!
1481
01:23:58,575 --> 01:24:00,745
No, of course. Look,
I hate to make a fuss…
1482
01:24:00,828 --> 01:24:04,123
Look, we've had a busy day,
there's 140 of you lot
to get up.
1483
01:24:04,206 --> 01:24:06,918
Is he Jewish?
Will you be quiet?!
1484
01:24:07,001 --> 01:24:09,253
We don't want any more
Samaritans around here.
1485
01:24:09,336 --> 01:24:10,630
Belt up!
1486
01:24:10,713 --> 01:24:12,381
Will you let me down
if he comes back?
1487
01:24:12,464 --> 01:24:15,134
Yeah, yeah, we'll let
you down. Next!
1488
01:24:15,217 --> 01:24:18,053
You don't have to do this!
You don't have to take orders!
1489
01:24:18,136 --> 01:24:20,556
I like orders.
1490
01:24:42,327 --> 01:24:44,872
See? Not so bad once you're up.
1491
01:24:46,248 --> 01:24:47,583
You're being rescued
then, are you?
1492
01:24:47,666 --> 01:24:49,627
It's a bit late
for that now, isn't it?
1493
01:24:49,710 --> 01:24:52,212
Oh, no, we've got
a couple of days up here.
1494
01:24:52,295 --> 01:24:54,298
Plenty of time.
Lots of people get rescued.
1495
01:24:54,381 --> 01:24:55,549
Oh?
1496
01:24:55,632 --> 01:24:57,760
Oh, yeah.
My brother usually rescues me.
1497
01:24:57,843 --> 01:24:59,386
If he can keep off the tail
for more than 20 minutes.
1498
01:24:59,469 --> 01:25:01,263
Oh.
1499
01:25:01,346 --> 01:25:05,017
Randy little bugger. Up and down
like the Assyrian Empire.
1500
01:25:09,980 --> 01:25:12,399
Hello. Your family arrived then?
1501
01:25:12,482 --> 01:25:13,275
Reg!
1502
01:25:13,358 --> 01:25:14,735
Hello, sibling Brian.
1503
01:25:14,818 --> 01:25:16,863
Thank God you've come, Reg.
1504
01:25:16,946 --> 01:25:19,323
Um, yes, I think I should
point out first, Brian,
in all fairness,
1505
01:25:19,406 --> 01:25:21,450
that we are not, in fact,
the rescue committee.
1506
01:25:21,533 --> 01:25:24,203
However, I have been asked
to read the following
prepared statement
1507
01:25:24,286 --> 01:25:26,246
on behalf of the movement.
1508
01:25:26,329 --> 01:25:28,165
"We, the People's
Front of Judea,
1509
01:25:28,248 --> 01:25:30,083
brackets, officials,
end brackets,
1510
01:25:30,166 --> 01:25:32,419
do hereby convey
our sincere fraternal
1511
01:25:32,502 --> 01:25:34,588
and sisterly greetings
to you, Brian,
1512
01:25:34,671 --> 01:25:37,257
on this, the occasion
of your martyrdom."
1513
01:25:37,340 --> 01:25:40,177
What?
"Your death
will stand as a landmark
1514
01:25:40,260 --> 01:25:42,805
in the continuing struggle
to liberate the parent land
1515
01:25:42,888 --> 01:25:45,683
from the hands of the Roman
imperialist aggressors,
1516
01:25:45,766 --> 01:25:48,019
excluding those concerned with
drainage, medicine,
1517
01:25:48,102 --> 01:25:50,312
roads, housing, education,
viniculture
1518
01:25:50,395 --> 01:25:53,482
and any other Romans
contributing to the welfare
of Jews
1519
01:25:53,565 --> 01:25:56,276
of both sexes
and hermaphrodites.
1520
01:25:56,359 --> 01:25:59,030
Signed, On behalf of
the PFJ," et cetera.
1521
01:25:59,113 --> 01:26:00,907
And I'd just like to add,
on a personal note,
1522
01:26:00,990 --> 01:26:04,243
my own admiration
for what you're doing for us,
Brian,
1523
01:26:04,326 --> 01:26:08,121
and what must be,
after all, for you,
a very difficult time.
1524
01:26:08,204 --> 01:26:09,874
Reg! What are you going to do?
1525
01:26:09,957 --> 01:26:12,250
Goodbye, Brian. And thanks.
1526
01:26:14,544 --> 01:26:16,881
All right, Brian.
Keep it up, lad.
1527
01:26:16,964 --> 01:26:18,674
Terrific work, Brian.
1528
01:26:24,638 --> 01:26:26,098
Right. And…
1529
01:26:26,181 --> 01:26:28,642
* For he's
A jolly good fellow *
1530
01:26:28,725 --> 01:26:30,686
* For he's
A jolly good fellow *
1531
01:26:30,769 --> 01:26:33,898
* For he's
A jolly good fellow *
1532
01:26:33,981 --> 01:26:36,316
* And so say all of us *
1533
01:26:36,399 --> 01:26:38,401
* And so say all of… *
1534
01:26:42,114 --> 01:26:45,409
You bastards! You bastards!
1535
01:26:45,492 --> 01:26:48,955
Where is Brian of Nazareth?
You sanctimonious bastards!
1536
01:26:49,038 --> 01:26:50,330
I have an order for his release.
1537
01:26:50,413 --> 01:26:53,751
You stupid bastards!
I'm Brian of Nazareth.
1538
01:26:53,834 --> 01:26:56,128
What?
Yeah, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
1539
01:26:56,211 --> 01:26:59,214
Take him down!
I'm Brian of Nazareth!
1540
01:26:59,297 --> 01:27:00,883
I'm Brian!
1541
01:27:00,966 --> 01:27:03,719
I'm Brian!
Look, look, I'm Brian!
1542
01:27:03,802 --> 01:27:07,097
I'm Brian!
I'm Brian and so is my wife!
1543
01:27:09,975 --> 01:27:11,560
Right!
Take him away and release him!
1544
01:27:11,643 --> 01:27:14,855
No, I'm only joking.
I'm not really Brian.
1545
01:27:14,938 --> 01:27:17,858
No, I'm not Brian!
I was only… It was a joke.
1546
01:27:17,941 --> 01:27:20,987
I'm only pulling your leg!
It's a joke!
1547
01:27:21,070 --> 01:27:23,363
I'm not him,
I'm just having you on!
1548
01:27:23,446 --> 01:27:24,615
Put me back!
1549
01:27:24,698 --> 01:27:27,283
Bloody Romans,
can't take a joke.
1550
01:27:36,501 --> 01:27:39,004
The Judean
People's Front!
1551
01:27:40,214 --> 01:27:42,549
The Judean People's Front!
1552
01:27:42,632 --> 01:27:45,677
Onward, all!
1553
01:27:49,598 --> 01:27:51,767
Look out!
The Judean People's Front!
1554
01:27:51,850 --> 01:27:54,269
The Judean People's Front!
1555
01:28:01,526 --> 01:28:06,782
We are the Judean People's
Front, crack suicide squad.
1556
01:28:06,865 --> 01:28:10,326
Suicide squad, attack!
1557
01:28:19,419 --> 01:28:21,588
That showed them, huh?
1558
01:28:23,590 --> 01:28:26,468
You silly sods!
1559
01:28:26,551 --> 01:28:28,012
Brian!
1560
01:28:28,095 --> 01:28:31,932
Brian! Brian! Brian!
1561
01:28:32,015 --> 01:28:33,267
Judith!
1562
01:28:34,559 --> 01:28:36,228
Terrific! Great!
1563
01:28:36,311 --> 01:28:37,980
Reg has explained it all to me,
1564
01:28:38,063 --> 01:28:40,357
and I think it's great
what you're doing.
1565
01:28:40,440 --> 01:28:41,817
Thank you, Brian.
1566
01:28:41,900 --> 01:28:44,987
I'll… never forget you.
1567
01:28:53,036 --> 01:28:55,414
So there you are!
1568
01:28:55,497 --> 01:28:58,250
I might have known
it would end up like this.
1569
01:28:58,333 --> 01:29:02,171
Just think of all the love and
affection I've wasted on you!
1570
01:29:02,254 --> 01:29:05,465
Well, if that's how you treat
your poor, old mother
1571
01:29:05,548 --> 01:29:07,509
in the autumn years of her life,
1572
01:29:07,592 --> 01:29:10,971
all I can say is, go ahead,
be crucified.
1573
01:29:11,054 --> 01:29:13,599
See if I care.
I might have known.
1574
01:29:13,682 --> 01:29:17,102
Mum! Mum!
1575
01:29:18,478 --> 01:29:20,814
I don't know what
the world is coming to.
1576
01:29:25,902 --> 01:29:27,571
Cheer up, Brian!
1577
01:29:27,654 --> 01:29:30,074
You know what they say?
1578
01:29:30,157 --> 01:29:32,993
Some things in life are bad.
1579
01:29:33,076 --> 01:29:35,370
They can really make you mad.
1580
01:29:35,453 --> 01:29:39,499
Other things just make
you swear and curse.
1581
01:29:39,582 --> 01:29:41,961
* When you're
Chewing on life's gristle *
1582
01:29:42,044 --> 01:29:45,422
* Don't grumble
Give a whistle *
1583
01:29:45,505 --> 01:29:50,301
* And this'll help things
Turn out for the best *
1584
01:29:50,384 --> 01:29:52,054
* And *
1585
01:29:52,137 --> 01:29:57,267
* Always look on
The bright side of life *
1586
01:30:00,145 --> 01:30:05,525
* Always look on
The light side of life *
1587
01:30:08,278 --> 01:30:09,905
* If life seems jolly rotten *
1588
01:30:09,988 --> 01:30:12,074
* There's something
You've forgotten *
1589
01:30:12,157 --> 01:30:15,577
* And that's to laugh and smile
And dance and sing *
1590
01:30:15,660 --> 01:30:17,871
* When you're feeling
In the dumps *
1591
01:30:17,954 --> 01:30:20,040
* Don't be silly chumps *
1592
01:30:20,123 --> 01:30:23,294
* Just purse your lips
And whistle that's the thing *
1593
01:30:23,377 --> 01:30:29,175
* And always look on
The bright side of life *
1594
01:30:29,258 --> 01:30:31,885
Come on!
1595
01:30:31,968 --> 01:30:37,599
* Always look on
The right side of life *
1596
01:30:40,060 --> 01:30:42,146
* For life is quite absurd *
1597
01:30:42,229 --> 01:30:44,023
* And death's the final word *
1598
01:30:44,106 --> 01:30:47,693
* You must always face
The curtain with a bow *
1599
01:30:47,776 --> 01:30:50,029
* Forget about your sin *
1600
01:30:50,112 --> 01:30:52,031
* Give the audience a grin *
1601
01:30:52,114 --> 01:30:55,366
* Enjoy it
It's your last chance anyhow *
1602
01:30:55,449 --> 01:31:01,415
* So always look on
The bright side of death *
1603
01:31:04,334 --> 01:31:09,631
* Just before you draw
Your terminal breath *
1604
01:31:12,217 --> 01:31:14,178
* Life's a piece of shit *
1605
01:31:14,261 --> 01:31:16,055
* When you look at it *
1606
01:31:16,138 --> 01:31:20,433
* Life's a laugh and
Death's a joke it's true *
1607
01:31:20,516 --> 01:31:22,269
* You'll see it's all a show *
1608
01:31:22,352 --> 01:31:24,146
* Keep 'em laughing as you go *
1609
01:31:24,229 --> 01:31:27,691
* Just remember that
The last laugh is on you *
1610
01:31:27,774 --> 01:31:33,863
* And always look on
The bright side of life *
1611
01:31:36,199 --> 01:31:41,705
* Always look on
The right side of life *
1612
01:31:41,788 --> 01:31:44,166
Come on, Brian!
Cheer up!
1613
01:31:44,249 --> 01:31:49,712
* Always look on
The bright side of life *
1614
01:31:52,506 --> 01:31:57,012
* Always look on
The bright side of life *
1615
01:31:57,095 --> 01:32:00,391
Worse things happen
at sea, you know?
1616
01:32:00,474 --> 01:32:04,311
* Always look on
The bright side of life *
1617
01:32:04,394 --> 01:32:06,437
What have you got
to lose? You know,
you come from nothing,
1618
01:32:06,520 --> 01:32:08,607
you're going back to nothing,
what have you lost?
1619
01:32:08,690 --> 01:32:13,486
Nothing!
♪ Always look on
The bright side of life *
1620
01:32:13,569 --> 01:32:16,407
Nothing will come from
nothing, you know what they say?
1621
01:32:16,490 --> 01:32:18,575
Cheer up, you old bugger!
1622
01:32:18,658 --> 01:32:21,036
Come on! Give us a grin!
There you are!
1623
01:32:21,119 --> 01:32:22,704
See? The end of the film.
1624
01:32:22,787 --> 01:32:25,958
Incidentally, this record
is available in the foyer.
1625
01:32:26,041 --> 01:32:29,336
Some of us have got to live
as well, you know?
1626
01:32:31,046 --> 01:32:33,424
Who do you think pays
for all this rubbish?
1627
01:32:33,507 --> 01:32:36,593
They're not gonna make
their money back, you know.
1628
01:32:36,676 --> 01:32:39,346
I told them. I said to him.
"Bernie," I said,
1629
01:32:39,429 --> 01:32:41,140
"They'll never make
their money back."
1630
01:32:41,223 --> 01:32:44,518
* Always look on
The bright side of life *
1631
01:32:47,854 --> 01:32:51,149
[instrumental
"Bright Side of Life"]