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00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,593
NARRATOR: In the bleak days
of 1983,
2
00:00:51,635 --> 00:00:55,847
as England languished
in the doldrums of
a ruinous monetarist policy,
3
00:00:56,348 --> 00:00:59,810
the good, loyal men of the
Permanent Assurance Company,
4
00:00:59,851 --> 00:01:04,481
a once-proud family firm
recently fallen on hard times,
5
00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:10,279
strained under the yoke
of their oppressive new
corporate management.
6
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,322
MAN: Terrible.
Really terrible.
7
00:01:32,175 --> 00:01:34,094
MAN: Row!
8
00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:03,165
That's it, Evans.
You're fired.
9
00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:05,083
You heard me. Out.
10
00:02:06,168 --> 00:02:09,671
Did you hear that?
He's been sacked.
11
00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:11,715
Sacked?
12
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:17,888
Sacked? Come on, boys.
Let's get at 'em.
13
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:19,556
(MEN CLAMORING)
14
00:02:20,724 --> 00:02:22,517
MAN: Hey!
15
00:02:23,894 --> 00:02:26,730
Come on! Come on!
16
00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:33,570
(GRUNTING)
17
00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:03,100
(SCREAMING)
18
00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:10,107
(MAN GROANING)
19
00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:23,161
MAN: Let me out of here!
20
00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:26,832
MAN 2: I demand
to see my lawyer!
21
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,710
(MEN LAUGHING)
22
00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:37,467
Tooley! Come on.
23
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,097
(SCREAMING)
24
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:50,731
(GROANING)
25
00:03:57,654 --> 00:03:59,030
(SCREAMING)
26
00:04:03,535 --> 00:04:06,246
Quiet! Silence!
27
00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:08,457
Now, lads, let's move.
28
00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:12,085
You, you and you,
break open the weapons.
29
00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:16,506
You, you and you,
into the rigging.
30
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:20,010
And you, put the kettle on.
Aye, sir.
31
00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:37,903
(EXCLAIMING)
32
00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:40,822
There, there, Charles.
33
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,951
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
34
00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:08,892
(SCREAMING)
35
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,977
Sorry!
36
00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,438
Come on, Tooley.
This way!
37
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:40,465
Weigh the anchor!
38
00:05:40,549 --> 00:05:42,259
Weigh the anchor!
39
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:45,011
Weigh the anchor.
40
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,614
(BUBBLING)
41
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:53,455
NARRATOR: And so,
The Crimson
Permanent Assurance
42
00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:58,043
was launched
upon the high seas
of international finance.
43
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:19,189
Come on, boy.
Watch it. Route. Route!
44
00:07:20,357 --> 00:07:23,526
Cup of tea, dear?
Hey, Captain!
45
00:07:23,568 --> 00:07:26,655
Look! To starboard!
46
00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:34,371
NARRATOR: There it lay,
the prize they sought.
47
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,706
Hard to starboard!
48
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:41,711
NARRATOR: A financial district
swollen with multinationals,
conglomerates,
49
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:45,507
and fat, bloated
merchant banks.
50
00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:51,554
All right, lads,
battle stations!
51
00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:55,892
Come on! Move it!
Move it!
Move it!
52
00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:57,477
(EXCLAIMING)
53
00:08:19,791 --> 00:08:22,919
All right, then.
That's enough.
Take cover.
54
00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:26,256
Down, down! Get down!
55
00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:34,139
(SQUEAKING)
56
00:08:44,607 --> 00:08:46,568
Down, down.
57
00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:47,986
(SHUSHING)
58
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,623
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
59
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:18,266
(BOTH GASPING)
60
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:25,857
Hard to starboard!
61
00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:51,049
Fire!
62
00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:28,419
(MEN EXCLAIMING)
63
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,010
(SCREAMING)
64
00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:02,453
Eric! My balance sheets!
65
00:11:04,581 --> 00:11:06,791
Ross! Get the readouts!
66
00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:16,634
Stop him!
Eric!
67
00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:19,220
Thanks!
MAN: Charge!
68
00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:42,577
Come on! Grab it!
69
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:11,564
No, no! Let me! Let me!
Okay, Kane.
70
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:20,031
Cudgelled!
71
00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:29,332
Gotcha!
72
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:32,335
You bastard!
73
00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:49,727
(GROANING)
74
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,319
(MAN GRUNTING)
75
00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:08,454
Take this.
76
00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:11,165
(GROANING)
77
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:15,712
Here. File this.
78
00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:29,350
Shit!
79
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:31,894
(SCREAMING)
80
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:41,529
NARRATOR: And so, heartened
by their initial success,
81
00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:46,993
the desperate
and reasonably violent men
of The Permanent Assurance
82
00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:50,371
battled on until,
83
00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:55,084
as the sun set
slowly in the west,
84
00:13:55,752 --> 00:13:59,255
the outstanding returns on
their bold business venture
85
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,424
became apparent.
86
00:14:01,507 --> 00:14:04,344
Once-proud financial giants
87
00:14:04,427 --> 00:14:06,846
lay in ruins,
88
00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:10,892
their assets stripped,
89
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:15,271
their policies in tatters.
90
00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:31,537
CAPTAIN: Full speed ahead,
Mr. Cohen!
91
00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:34,957
MEN: (SINGING)
Up, up, up your premium
Up, up, up your premium
92
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:38,544
Scribble away
And balance the books
93
00:14:38,628 --> 00:14:42,382
Scribble away
But balance the books
94
00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:46,219
It's fun to charter
an accountant
95
00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:50,640
And sail the wide
accountancy
96
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:54,894
To find,
explore the funds offshore
97
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:57,605
And skirt the shoals
of bankruptcy
98
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:02,485
It can be manly in insurance
99
00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:06,531
We'll up your premium
semiannually
100
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:10,743
It's all tax-deductible
We're fairly incorruptible
101
00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:14,163
Sailing on
the wide accountancy
102
00:15:14,205 --> 00:15:17,792
Sail away...
NARRATOR:
And so, they sailed off
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00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:20,586
into the ledgers of history,
104
00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:23,297
one by one,
the financial capitals
of the world
105
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,925
crumbling under the might
of their business acumen.
106
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:28,636
Or so it would have been,
107
00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:32,181
if certain modern theories
concerning
the shape of the world
108
00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:36,644
had not proved
to be disastrously wrong.
109
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:08,194
Morning.
Morning.
110
00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:15,952
Morning.
Morning.
111
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,954
Morning.
112
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,458
Morning.
Morning.
113
00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:25,127
Morning.
Morning.
114
00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:27,797
What's new?
Not much.
115
00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:35,137
Morning!
Good morning! Morning!
116
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,847
Morning!
Morning!
117
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:41,602
Frank was just asking
what's new.
Was he?
118
00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:44,021
Yes.
119
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,567
Hey, look.
120
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:50,653
Howard's being eaten.
Is he?
121
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,329
Makes you think,
doesn't it?
Hmm.
122
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:04,500
I mean, what's it all about?
Beats me.
123
00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:08,963
(SINGING) Why are we here
124
00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:11,424
What's life all about
125
00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:13,509
Is God really real
126
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:15,678
Or is there some doubt
127
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:22,184
Well, tonight
we're going to sort it all out
128
00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:25,646
For tonight
it's The Meaning of Life
129
00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:32,403
What's the point
of all this hoax
130
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:35,197
Is it the chicken
and the egg time
131
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:37,908
Are we just yolks
132
00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:43,247
Or perhaps we're just one
of God's little jokes
133
00:18:43,331 --> 00:18:48,002
Well, ça, c'est
le meaning of life
134
00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:51,172
Is life just a game
135
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:53,758
Where we make up the rules
136
00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:58,763
While we're searching
for something to say
137
00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:04,518
Or are we just
simply spiraling coils
138
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:08,022
Of self-replicating DNA
139
00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:09,899
Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay
Nay, nay, nay, nay
140
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:13,694
What is life
What is our fate
141
00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:17,281
Is there heaven and hell
142
00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:20,534
Do we reincarnate
143
00:19:20,576 --> 00:19:25,414
Is mankind evolving
or is it too late
144
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:29,043
Well, tonight
here's The Meaning of Life
145
00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:30,211
(LIGHTNING CRACKING)
146
00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:31,921
For millions
147
00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:35,925
This life
is a sad vale of tears
148
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:40,262
Sitting round
with really nothing to say
149
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:43,724
While scientists say
150
00:19:43,766 --> 00:19:47,144
We're just
simply spiraling coils
151
00:19:47,228 --> 00:19:50,231
Of self-replicating DNA
152
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:51,941
Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay
Nay, nay, nay, nay
153
00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:55,444
So just why
Why are we here
154
00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:58,114
And just what
155
00:19:58,155 --> 00:20:00,783
What, what, what do we fear
156
00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:05,121
Well, ce soir for a change
157
00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:07,456
It will all be made clear
158
00:20:07,498 --> 00:20:11,585
For this is
The Meaning of Life
159
00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:13,587
C'est le sens de la vie
160
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:16,173
This is The Meaning of Life
161
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:21,887
NARRATOR: Part one.
The miracle of birth.
162
00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:52,835
One thousand and eight!
163
00:20:52,918 --> 00:20:54,587
Mrs. Moore's contractions
are more frequent, Doctor.
164
00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,505
Good. Take her into
the fetus frightening room.
165
00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:57,631
Right.
166
00:21:05,806 --> 00:21:07,099
Jolly good.
167
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:10,936
It's a bit bare
in here today,
isn't it?
168
00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:15,107
Yes.
Yes. More apparatus,
please, Nurse.
169
00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:19,195
The EEG, the BP monitor
and the AVV.
Certainly, Doctor.
170
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:21,655
And get the machine
that goes "ping."
171
00:21:21,697 --> 00:21:24,492
And get the most expensive
machines in case
the administrator comes.
172
00:21:33,876 --> 00:21:36,587
That's it. Bring it in.
Bring it right here.
Behind me.
173
00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:39,673
Lovely, lovely.
Jolly good. That's better.
174
00:21:39,715 --> 00:21:43,636
That's much, much better.
Yes, that's more like it.
175
00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:47,807
Still something
missing, though.
176
00:21:47,890 --> 00:21:50,059
Hmm?
Hmm.
177
00:21:52,937 --> 00:21:54,313
Patient.
Patient, yes.
178
00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:56,690
Where's the patient? Patient!
Anyone seen the patient?
179
00:21:56,732 --> 00:21:57,942
(EXCLAIMS)
180
00:21:58,025 --> 00:22:00,486
Here she is.
DOCTOR:
Bring it over here.
181
00:22:01,195 --> 00:22:03,072
Mind the machines!
Sorry, Doctor.
182
00:22:03,113 --> 00:22:04,448
Come along!
183
00:22:04,532 --> 00:22:05,866
Come along.
Jump on it.
184
00:22:05,908 --> 00:22:09,995
Hello.
Now don't you worry.
We'll soon have you cured.
185
00:22:10,079 --> 00:22:12,832
Leave it all to us.
You'll never know
what hit you.
186
00:22:12,915 --> 00:22:14,333
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
187
00:22:14,416 --> 00:22:16,168
Drips up.
Injections.
188
00:22:16,252 --> 00:22:17,670
Can I put the tube
in the baby's head?
189
00:22:17,753 --> 00:22:19,004
Only if I can
do the episiotomy.
190
00:22:19,088 --> 00:22:20,130
Okay.
Thank you.
191
00:22:20,214 --> 00:22:21,215
Legs up.
192
00:22:21,799 --> 00:22:25,094
Oh, come in.
Come on in, all of you.
That's it. Jolly good.
193
00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:27,763
Come on.
Come along.
Spread round there.
194
00:22:27,847 --> 00:22:29,765
Who are you?
I'm the husband.
195
00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:34,103
I'm sorry.
Only people involved
are allowed in here.
196
00:22:34,562 --> 00:22:36,939
What do I do?
Yes?
197
00:22:36,981 --> 00:22:41,068
What do I do?
Nothing, dear.
You're not qualified.
198
00:22:41,110 --> 00:22:43,696
Leave it to us.
What's that for?
199
00:22:43,779 --> 00:22:46,240
That's the machine
that goes "ping."
200
00:22:46,282 --> 00:22:47,491
(PINGING)
201
00:22:47,575 --> 00:22:51,453
You see? That means
your baby is still alive.
202
00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:54,957
And that's the most
expensive machine
in the whole hospital.
203
00:22:54,999 --> 00:22:57,543
Yes, it cost over
three-quarters
of a million pounds.
204
00:22:57,626 --> 00:22:59,795
Aren't you lucky?
205
00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:02,464
The administrator
is here, Doctor.
206
00:23:02,506 --> 00:23:03,799
Switch everything on.
207
00:23:04,466 --> 00:23:05,759
Morning, gentlemen.
208
00:23:06,302 --> 00:23:08,262
Morning. Morning, gentlemen.
Morning.
209
00:23:08,304 --> 00:23:09,638
MAN 1: Morning, Mr. Pycroft.
MAN 2: Mr. Pycroft.
210
00:23:09,722 --> 00:23:11,932
Oh, very impressive,
very impressive.
211
00:23:11,974 --> 00:23:15,227
And what are you doing
this morning?
It's a birth.
212
00:23:15,436 --> 00:23:17,438
And what sort of thing
is that?
213
00:23:17,688 --> 00:23:22,860
Well, that's when
we take a new baby
out of a lady's tummy.
214
00:23:22,943 --> 00:23:24,820
(MACHINE PINGING)
Wonderful what we
can do nowadays.
215
00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:29,116
I see you have the machine
that goes "ping."
This is my favorite.
216
00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:32,077
You see, we lease this
back from the company
we sold it to,
217
00:23:32,161 --> 00:23:36,707
and that way, it comes under
the monthly current budget
and not the capital account.
218
00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:44,840
Thank you, thank you.
We try to do our best.
Well, do carry on.
219
00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:48,552
Oh, the vulva's
dilating, Doctor.
Oh, yes, there's the head.
220
00:23:48,636 --> 00:23:51,805
Yes, four centimeters,
five, six centimeters.
221
00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:53,849
Lights!
Amplify the ping machine.
222
00:23:53,891 --> 00:23:55,476
Masks up!
Suction!
223
00:23:55,517 --> 00:23:57,811
Eyes down
for a full house!
224
00:23:57,853 --> 00:23:59,772
Here it comes.
225
00:24:01,565 --> 00:24:04,109
(BABY CRYING)
And frighten it.
226
00:24:04,193 --> 00:24:07,696
Thank you.
And the rough towels!
227
00:24:09,114 --> 00:24:11,867
Show it to the mother.
That's enough.
228
00:24:11,951 --> 00:24:13,953
Right. Sedate her.
Number the child.
229
00:24:14,036 --> 00:24:16,664
Measure it,
blood-type it
and isolate it.
230
00:24:17,414 --> 00:24:18,999
Okay, show's over.
231
00:24:19,041 --> 00:24:20,376
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
232
00:24:20,417 --> 00:24:22,461
Is it a boy or a girl?
233
00:24:22,544 --> 00:24:26,465
I think it's a little early
to start imposing roles
on it, don't you?
234
00:24:26,548 --> 00:24:29,259
Now, a word of advice.
You may find that
you suffer for some time,
235
00:24:29,343 --> 00:24:33,764
a totally irrational
feeling of depression,
PND, as we doctors call it.
236
00:24:33,889 --> 00:24:36,100
So, it's lots of
happy pills for you,
237
00:24:36,183 --> 00:24:38,644
and you can find out
all about the birth
when you get home.
238
00:24:38,727 --> 00:24:42,439
It's available on BetaMax,
VHS and Super 8.
239
00:24:45,192 --> 00:24:46,819
(MACHINE PINGING)
240
00:24:47,403 --> 00:24:51,907
NARRATOR:
The miracle of birth,
part two. The third world.
241
00:24:54,868 --> 00:24:56,328
(DOG BARKING)
242
00:25:02,084 --> 00:25:03,627
(BIRD CAWING)
243
00:25:05,129 --> 00:25:07,256
Oh, bloody hell.
244
00:25:10,759 --> 00:25:12,011
(CRYING)
245
00:25:15,597 --> 00:25:19,059
Oh, get it,
would you, Deidre?
All right, Mum.
246
00:25:26,108 --> 00:25:27,943
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
247
00:25:28,652 --> 00:25:31,989
Now whose teatime is it?
ALL: Mine!
248
00:25:32,072 --> 00:25:33,782
Come on.
Out you go.
249
00:25:33,824 --> 00:25:36,618
Now, Vincent, Tessa,
Valerie, Janine,
250
00:25:36,702 --> 00:25:40,039
Martha, Andrew, Thomas,
Walter, Pat, Linda,
251
00:25:40,122 --> 00:25:43,125
Michael, Evadne,
Alice, Dominique and Sasha,
it's your bedtime.
252
00:25:43,167 --> 00:25:44,251
(CHILDREN GROANING)
253
00:25:44,293 --> 00:25:46,420
Now don't argue!
254
00:25:46,462 --> 00:25:49,048
Laura, Alfred, Nigel,
Annie, Simon, Amanda...
255
00:25:49,131 --> 00:25:53,677
Wait. I've got something
to tell the whole family.
256
00:25:53,927 --> 00:25:57,056
Oh, quick.
Go and get the others in,
Gordon.
257
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,643
The mill's closed.
There's no more work.
258
00:26:01,894 --> 00:26:05,272
(CHILDREN MURMURING)
We're destitute.
259
00:26:05,314 --> 00:26:08,692
Come in, my little loves.
I've got no option
but to sell you all
260
00:26:08,776 --> 00:26:10,402
for scientific experiments.
261
00:26:12,821 --> 00:26:15,365
No, no, that's the way it is,
my loves.
262
00:26:15,491 --> 00:26:16,700
Blame the Catholic Church
263
00:26:16,784 --> 00:26:18,952
for not letting me
wear one of those
little rubber things.
264
00:26:19,036 --> 00:26:21,747
Oh, they've done
some wonderful things
in their time.
265
00:26:21,830 --> 00:26:25,667
They've preserved the might
and majesty, even mystery
of the Church of Rome,
266
00:26:26,126 --> 00:26:30,672
and the sanctity of
the sacrament, the indivisible
oneness of the Trinity,
267
00:26:30,756 --> 00:26:32,883
but if they'd let me
wear one of those
little rubber things
268
00:26:32,966 --> 00:26:34,510
on the end of my cock,
269
00:26:34,593 --> 00:26:37,012
we wouldn't be in the mess
we are now.
270
00:26:37,096 --> 00:26:41,100
Couldn't Mummy have worn
some sort of pessary?
271
00:26:41,183 --> 00:26:42,434
Not if we're going
to remain members
272
00:26:42,518 --> 00:26:44,812
of the fastest-growing
religion in the world, my boy.
273
00:26:45,771 --> 00:26:49,525
He's right.
You see, we believe...
274
00:26:49,566 --> 00:26:51,527
Well, let me put it like this.
275
00:26:51,735 --> 00:26:54,196
(SINGING)
There are Jews in the world
276
00:26:54,238 --> 00:26:56,198
There are Buddhists
277
00:26:56,323 --> 00:27:00,744
There are Hindus
and Mormons and then
278
00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:04,248
There are those
that follow Mohammed
279
00:27:04,331 --> 00:27:09,878
But I've never been
one of them
280
00:27:12,089 --> 00:27:14,883
I'm a Roman Catholic
281
00:27:14,967 --> 00:27:18,428
And have been since
before I was born
282
00:27:18,512 --> 00:27:21,807
And the one thing
they say about Catholics
283
00:27:21,890 --> 00:27:25,936
Is they'll take you
as soon as you're warm
284
00:27:26,019 --> 00:27:29,523
You don't have
to be a six-footer
285
00:27:29,565 --> 00:27:33,068
You don't have to
have a great brain
286
00:27:33,402 --> 00:27:36,446
You don't have to
have any clothes on
287
00:27:36,530 --> 00:27:40,784
You're a Catholic
the moment Dad came
288
00:27:41,451 --> 00:27:44,371
Because
289
00:27:44,413 --> 00:27:49,084
Every sperm is sacred
290
00:27:49,126 --> 00:27:53,714
Every sperm is great
291
00:27:53,755 --> 00:27:58,093
If a sperm is wasted
292
00:27:58,177 --> 00:28:01,555
God gets quite irate
293
00:28:02,931 --> 00:28:06,935
CHILDREN: (SINGING)
Every sperm is sacred
294
00:28:06,977 --> 00:28:11,148
Every sperm is great
295
00:28:11,273 --> 00:28:15,819
If a sperm is wasted
296
00:28:15,903 --> 00:28:20,240
God gets quite irate
297
00:28:20,574 --> 00:28:24,536
Let the heathens spill theirs
298
00:28:24,620 --> 00:28:28,957
On the dusty ground
299
00:28:28,999 --> 00:28:32,127
God shall make them pay
300
00:28:32,461 --> 00:28:37,382
For each sperm
that can't be found
301
00:28:37,466 --> 00:28:42,012
Every sperm is wanted
302
00:28:42,095 --> 00:28:46,141
Every sperm is good
303
00:28:46,183 --> 00:28:50,604
Every sperm is needed
304
00:28:50,646 --> 00:28:54,733
In your neighborhood
305
00:28:54,816 --> 00:28:58,278
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon
306
00:28:58,654 --> 00:29:02,074
Spill theirs just anywhere
307
00:29:02,157 --> 00:29:06,036
But God loves those who treat
308
00:29:06,119 --> 00:29:10,499
Their semen with more care
309
00:29:10,874 --> 00:29:14,962
Every sperm is sacred
310
00:29:15,003 --> 00:29:18,340
Every sperm is great
311
00:29:18,674 --> 00:29:22,761
If a sperm is wasted
312
00:29:22,844 --> 00:29:26,348
God gets quite irate
313
00:29:26,390 --> 00:29:30,352
Every sperm is sacred
314
00:29:30,727 --> 00:29:34,314
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is good
315
00:29:34,356 --> 00:29:38,026
Every sperm is needed
316
00:29:38,318 --> 00:29:42,155
MEN: In your neighborhood
317
00:29:42,197 --> 00:29:45,867
Every sperm is useful
318
00:29:46,034 --> 00:29:49,788
Every sperm is fine
319
00:29:49,871 --> 00:29:53,458
God needs everybody's
320
00:29:53,875 --> 00:29:55,210
Mine
And mine
321
00:29:55,252 --> 00:29:57,087
And mine
322
00:30:12,519 --> 00:30:16,106
Let the pagans spill theirs
323
00:30:16,189 --> 00:30:20,235
O'er mountain, hill and plain
324
00:30:20,277 --> 00:30:23,196
God shall strike them down
325
00:30:23,238 --> 00:30:27,534
For each sperm
that's spilt in vain
326
00:30:27,909 --> 00:30:31,747
Every sperm is sacred
327
00:30:31,830 --> 00:30:35,584
Every sperm is good
328
00:30:35,667 --> 00:30:39,421
Every sperm is needed
329
00:30:39,463 --> 00:30:42,924
In your neighborhood
330
00:30:43,050 --> 00:30:46,678
Every sperm is sacred
331
00:30:46,803 --> 00:30:50,557
Every sperm is great
332
00:30:50,599 --> 00:30:54,186
If a sperm is wasted
333
00:30:54,603 --> 00:30:56,521
God gets
334
00:30:56,605 --> 00:31:02,444
Quite irate
335
00:31:02,527 --> 00:31:04,196
(PEOPLE WHOOPING)
336
00:31:07,824 --> 00:31:10,285
So you see my problem,
little ones.
337
00:31:10,369 --> 00:31:12,329
I can't keep you all here
any longer.
338
00:31:12,412 --> 00:31:14,247
BOY: Speak up!
339
00:31:14,331 --> 00:31:17,000
I can't keep you all here
any longer!
340
00:31:17,459 --> 00:31:21,671
God has blessed us
so much I can't afford
to feed you anymore.
341
00:31:21,755 --> 00:31:23,590
Couldn't you have
your balls cut off?
342
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:28,178
It's not as simple
as that, Nigel.
God knows all.
343
00:31:28,261 --> 00:31:30,305
He'd see through
such a cheap trick.
344
00:31:30,389 --> 00:31:33,433
What we do to ourselves,
we do to Him.
345
00:31:33,475 --> 00:31:35,811
You could have had them
pulled off in an accident.
346
00:31:35,894 --> 00:31:37,646
(CHILDREN CLAMORING)
347
00:31:38,021 --> 00:31:40,065
No. Children,
I know you're
trying to help,
348
00:31:40,148 --> 00:31:42,359
but believe me,
me mind's made up.
349
00:31:42,442 --> 00:31:45,404
I've given this long
and careful thought,
350
00:31:45,779 --> 00:31:48,240
and it has to be
medical experiments
for the lot of you.
351
00:31:48,323 --> 00:31:49,991
(CHILDREN GROANING)
352
00:31:51,743 --> 00:31:54,955
(SINGING SADLY)
Every sperm is sacred
353
00:31:56,123 --> 00:32:00,794
Every sperm is great
354
00:32:02,254 --> 00:32:05,507
Look at them.
Bloody Catholics.
Filling the bloody world up
355
00:32:05,549 --> 00:32:09,136
with bloody people
they can't afford
to bloody feed.
356
00:32:09,177 --> 00:32:13,682
What are we, dear?
Protestant,
and fiercely proud of it.
357
00:32:13,765 --> 00:32:16,518
Well, why do they have
so many children?
358
00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:20,564
Because every time
they have sexual intercourse,
they have to have a baby.
359
00:32:20,647 --> 00:32:23,775
But it's the same
with us, Harry.
What do you mean?
360
00:32:23,859 --> 00:32:26,069
Well, I mean
we've got two children,
361
00:32:26,236 --> 00:32:28,697
and we've had
sexual intercourse twice.
362
00:32:28,780 --> 00:32:32,075
That's not the point.
We could have it
any time we wanted.
363
00:32:32,159 --> 00:32:34,244
Really?
Oh, yes. And what's more,
364
00:32:34,327 --> 00:32:36,705
because we don't believe
in all that Papist claptrap,
365
00:32:36,788 --> 00:32:38,748
we can take precautions.
366
00:32:38,874 --> 00:32:40,750
What, you mean
lock the door?
367
00:32:40,834 --> 00:32:45,213
No, no. I mean because
we are members of the
Protestant Reformed Church,
368
00:32:45,255 --> 00:32:47,174
which successfully challenged
the autocratic power
369
00:32:47,215 --> 00:32:49,342
of the Papacy
in the mid-sixteenth century,
370
00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:52,387
we can wear
little rubber devices
to prevent issue.
371
00:32:52,429 --> 00:32:53,513
What do you mean?
372
00:32:53,555 --> 00:32:56,433
I could, if I wanted,
have sexual intercourse
with you.
373
00:32:56,516 --> 00:32:57,726
Oh, yes, Harry.
374
00:32:57,809 --> 00:33:00,353
And by wearing a rubber sheath
over my old fellow,
375
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:04,065
I could ensure that
when I came off,
you would not be impregnated.
376
00:33:04,149 --> 00:33:07,736
Ooh!
That's what being
a Protestant's all about.
377
00:33:07,819 --> 00:33:09,362
That's why
it's the church for me.
378
00:33:09,404 --> 00:33:10,864
That's why
it's the church for anyone
379
00:33:10,906 --> 00:33:14,075
who respects the individual
and the individual's right
380
00:33:14,242 --> 00:33:16,244
to decide for him
or herself.
381
00:33:16,328 --> 00:33:20,790
When Martin Luther
nailed his protest
up to the church door in 1517,
382
00:33:20,874 --> 00:33:23,919
he may not have realized
the full significance
of what he was doing
383
00:33:24,085 --> 00:33:27,088
but 400 years later,
thanks to him, my dear,
384
00:33:27,172 --> 00:33:29,966
I can wear whatever I want
on my John Thomas.
385
00:33:30,258 --> 00:33:34,137
And Protestantism
doesn't stop at
the simple condom. Oh, no!
386
00:33:34,221 --> 00:33:36,806
I can wear French Ticklers
if I want.
You what?
387
00:33:36,890 --> 00:33:40,060
French Ticklers,
Black Mambos,
Crocodile Ribs...
388
00:33:40,185 --> 00:33:42,896
Sheaths that are designed
not only to protect,
389
00:33:42,938 --> 00:33:46,399
but also to enhance
the stimulation
of sexual congress.
390
00:33:46,566 --> 00:33:49,402
Have you got one?
Have I got one? Well, no,
391
00:33:49,444 --> 00:33:52,614
but I can go down the road
anytime I want
and walk into Harry's
392
00:33:52,697 --> 00:33:55,742
and hold my head up high
and say, in a loud,
steady voice,
393
00:33:55,784 --> 00:33:58,328
"Harry, I want you
to sell me a condom.
394
00:33:58,411 --> 00:34:02,290
"In fact, today I think
I'll have a French Tickler,
for I am a Protestant."
395
00:34:02,582 --> 00:34:05,168
Well, why don't you?
But they, they cannot,
396
00:34:05,252 --> 00:34:08,547
because their church
never made the great leap
out of the Middle Ages
397
00:34:08,630 --> 00:34:11,841
and the domination
of alien Episcopal supremacy.
398
00:34:11,925 --> 00:34:13,635
NARRATOR 2:
But despite the attempts
of Protestants
399
00:34:13,718 --> 00:34:16,471
to promote the idea
of sex for pleasure,
400
00:34:16,846 --> 00:34:19,724
children continue
to multiply everywhere.
401
00:34:20,809 --> 00:34:25,480
NARRATOR:
The Meaning of Life, part two.
Growth and learning.
402
00:34:26,356 --> 00:34:31,820
INSTRUCTOR: And spotteth twice
they the camels
before the third hour.
403
00:34:32,028 --> 00:34:35,657
And so the Midianites
went forth to Ram Gilead,
404
00:34:35,865 --> 00:34:38,159
in Kadesh Bilgemath,
405
00:34:38,201 --> 00:34:40,328
by Shor Ethra Regalion,
406
00:34:40,370 --> 00:34:44,749
to the house of
Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda,
407
00:34:44,833 --> 00:34:47,544
he who brought the butter dish
to Balshazar,
408
00:34:47,627 --> 00:34:51,089
and the tent peg
to the house of Rashomon,
409
00:34:51,172 --> 00:34:54,134
and there,
slew they the goats,
410
00:34:54,175 --> 00:34:59,681
yea, and placed they
the bits in little pots.
411
00:35:00,724 --> 00:35:02,726
Here endeth the lesson.
412
00:35:02,809 --> 00:35:04,728
Let us praise God.
413
00:35:09,691 --> 00:35:13,320
O Lord.
ALL: O Lord.
414
00:35:14,362 --> 00:35:16,906
Ooh! You are so big.
415
00:35:17,198 --> 00:35:19,784
ALL: Ooh! You are so big.
416
00:35:19,868 --> 00:35:22,787
So absolutely huge.
417
00:35:22,912 --> 00:35:26,958
ALL: So absolutely huge.
418
00:35:27,042 --> 00:35:32,172
Gosh, we're all really
impressed down here,
I can tell You.
419
00:35:32,422 --> 00:35:37,010
Gosh, we're all really
impressed down here,
I can tell you.
420
00:35:37,052 --> 00:35:41,681
Forgive us, O Lord, for this,
our dreadful toadying.
421
00:35:42,223 --> 00:35:45,226
ALL: And barefaced flattery.
422
00:35:45,268 --> 00:35:47,479
But you're so strong,
423
00:35:47,562 --> 00:35:51,149
and, well, just so super.
424
00:35:51,232 --> 00:35:53,693
ALL: Fantastic.
425
00:35:54,110 --> 00:35:56,237
Amen, Reverend.
Amen.
426
00:35:56,279 --> 00:35:59,574
Now two boys have been found
rubbing linseed oil
427
00:35:59,658 --> 00:36:01,701
into the school cormorant.
428
00:36:02,827 --> 00:36:06,581
Now some of you may feel
that the cormorant does
not play an important part
429
00:36:06,623 --> 00:36:08,792
in the life of the school,
but I would remind you
430
00:36:09,209 --> 00:36:13,421
that it was presented to us
by the corporation
of the town of Sudbury,
431
00:36:13,713 --> 00:36:16,424
to commemorate Empire Day,
when we try to remember
432
00:36:16,508 --> 00:36:19,260
the names of all those
from the Sudbury area,
433
00:36:19,427 --> 00:36:22,389
who so gallantly
gave their lives
434
00:36:22,430 --> 00:36:24,891
to keep China British.
435
00:36:24,933 --> 00:36:29,437
So from now on, the cormorant
is strictly out of bounds!
436
00:36:31,940 --> 00:36:34,109
Oh, and, Jenkins,
437
00:36:34,192 --> 00:36:36,778
apparently,
your mother died
this morning.
438
00:36:36,820 --> 00:36:39,072
Chaplain.
439
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:46,079
ALL: (SINGING)
O Lord, please don't burn us
440
00:36:46,121 --> 00:36:50,250
Don't grill or toast
Your flock
441
00:36:50,291 --> 00:36:54,546
Don't put us on the barbecue
442
00:36:54,629 --> 00:36:59,092
Or simmer us in stock
443
00:36:59,134 --> 00:37:02,762
Don't braise
or bake or boil us
444
00:37:02,804 --> 00:37:06,850
Or stir-fry us in a wok
445
00:37:08,143 --> 00:37:12,021
Oh, please don't
lightly poach us
446
00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:16,651
Or baste us with hot fat
447
00:37:16,693 --> 00:37:21,156
Don't fricassee or roast us
448
00:37:21,197 --> 00:37:25,618
Or boil us in a vat
449
00:37:25,660 --> 00:37:30,123
And please don't
stick thy servants, Lord
450
00:37:30,165 --> 00:37:34,002
In a Rotissomat
451
00:37:38,131 --> 00:37:39,632
(BELL RINGING)
452
00:37:40,216 --> 00:37:41,342
He's coming!
453
00:37:41,384 --> 00:37:42,969
(ALL CLAMORING)
454
00:37:48,725 --> 00:37:51,144
All right, settle down,
settle down.
455
00:37:52,854 --> 00:37:55,690
Now, before
I begin the lesson,
will those of you
456
00:37:55,815 --> 00:37:58,693
who are playing in the match
this afternoon
move your clothes down
457
00:37:58,735 --> 00:38:01,654
onto the lower peg
immediately after lunch,
458
00:38:01,696 --> 00:38:03,156
before you write
your letter home,
459
00:38:03,198 --> 00:38:05,950
if you're not getting
your hair cut, unless
you've got a younger brother,
460
00:38:06,034 --> 00:38:08,578
who's going out this weekend
as the guest of another boy,
in which case,
461
00:38:08,661 --> 00:38:10,371
collect his note before lunch,
462
00:38:10,455 --> 00:38:12,707
put it in your letter
after you have
had your haircut,
463
00:38:12,749 --> 00:38:15,752
and make sure
he moves your clothes down
onto the lower peg for you.
464
00:38:15,835 --> 00:38:16,878
Now...
Sir?
465
00:38:17,212 --> 00:38:18,213
Yes, Wymer?
466
00:38:18,254 --> 00:38:20,465
My younger brother's
going out with Dibble
this weekend, sir.
467
00:38:20,548 --> 00:38:23,343
But I'm not having
my hair cut today,
so do I move my clothes...
468
00:38:23,384 --> 00:38:26,721
I do wish you'd listen, Wymer.
It's perfectly simple.
469
00:38:26,763 --> 00:38:28,264
If you're not
getting your hair cut,
470
00:38:28,348 --> 00:38:30,975
you don't have to move
your brother's clothes
down to the lower peg.
471
00:38:31,059 --> 00:38:33,812
You simply collect his note
before lunch,
472
00:38:33,895 --> 00:38:35,730
after you've done
your scripture prep,
473
00:38:35,814 --> 00:38:38,399
when you've written
your letter home before rest,
474
00:38:38,483 --> 00:38:40,568
move your own clothes
onto the lower peg,
475
00:38:40,693 --> 00:38:42,821
greet the visitors
and report to Mr. Viney
476
00:38:42,904 --> 00:38:44,572
that you've had
your chit signed.
477
00:38:46,366 --> 00:38:48,243
Now, sex.
478
00:38:50,787 --> 00:38:54,123
Sex, sex, sex.
Where were we?
479
00:38:58,253 --> 00:39:00,088
Well, had I got as far as
480
00:39:00,129 --> 00:39:03,883
the penis entering the vagina?
481
00:39:07,262 --> 00:39:09,556
No, sir.
No, sir. No, sir.
482
00:39:10,181 --> 00:39:12,100
Well, had I done foreplay?
483
00:39:15,478 --> 00:39:16,479
STUDENTS: Yes, sir.
484
00:39:16,563 --> 00:39:19,858
Ah. Well, as we all know
all about foreplay,
485
00:39:19,941 --> 00:39:24,237
no doubt you can tell me
what the purpose
of foreplay is.
486
00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:26,865
Biggs.
487
00:39:30,910 --> 00:39:32,954
Don't know.
Sorry, sir.
488
00:39:33,204 --> 00:39:34,455
Carter?
489
00:39:35,164 --> 00:39:39,043
Oh, was it taking
your clothes off, sir?
490
00:39:40,461 --> 00:39:42,130
Well, and after that?
491
00:39:42,839 --> 00:39:45,216
Oh, putting them
on a lower peg, sir.
492
00:39:47,468 --> 00:39:51,806
The purpose of foreplay
is to cause the vagina
to lubricate,
493
00:39:51,890 --> 00:39:55,643
so that the penis
can penetrate more easily.
494
00:39:56,019 --> 00:39:57,645
Could we have a window open,
please, sir?
495
00:39:57,687 --> 00:39:59,314
Yes. Harris, will you?
496
00:39:59,355 --> 00:40:01,983
And, of course,
to cause the man's
penis to erect
497
00:40:02,108 --> 00:40:04,402
and harden.
498
00:40:05,028 --> 00:40:06,362
(INHALING)
499
00:40:06,529 --> 00:40:10,783
Now, did I do
vaginal juices last week?
500
00:40:10,825 --> 00:40:12,577
Oh, do pay attention,
Wadsworth!
501
00:40:12,660 --> 00:40:14,871
I know it's Friday.
Watching the football,
are you?
502
00:40:14,954 --> 00:40:18,207
Boy, move over there.
I'm warning you.
503
00:40:18,666 --> 00:40:21,377
I may decide
to set an exam this term.
504
00:40:21,502 --> 00:40:23,588
Oh, sir!
Sir!
505
00:40:23,671 --> 00:40:25,882
So just listen.
506
00:40:27,884 --> 00:40:31,179
Now did I or did I not
507
00:40:31,220 --> 00:40:34,349
do vaginal juices?
508
00:40:34,849 --> 00:40:36,142
STUDENTS: Yes, sir.
509
00:40:36,184 --> 00:40:40,355
Name two ways of getting them
flowing, Watson.
510
00:40:41,189 --> 00:40:42,774
Rubbing the clitoris, sir?
511
00:40:46,903 --> 00:40:50,031
What's wrong
with a kiss, boy? Hmm?
512
00:40:50,114 --> 00:40:53,284
Why not start her off
with a nice kiss?
513
00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:55,036
You don't
have to go leaping
514
00:40:55,119 --> 00:40:57,163
straight for the clitoris
like a bull at a gate.
515
00:40:57,205 --> 00:40:59,540
Give her a kiss, boy.
516
00:41:00,750 --> 00:41:03,878
Suck the nipple, sir?
Good, good. Well done, Wymer.
517
00:41:03,962 --> 00:41:06,297
Stroking the thighs, sir?
Yes, yes.
518
00:41:06,381 --> 00:41:08,299
I suppose so.
Biting the neck.
519
00:41:08,383 --> 00:41:10,468
Yes, good.
Nibbling the earlobe,
520
00:41:10,551 --> 00:41:13,221
kneading the buttocks
and so on and so forth.
521
00:41:13,304 --> 00:41:15,556
So we have
all these possibilities,
522
00:41:15,723 --> 00:41:19,894
before we stampede
towards the clitoris, Watson.
523
00:41:20,353 --> 00:41:22,188
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
524
00:41:22,230 --> 00:41:25,400
Now, all these forms
of stimulation
525
00:41:25,483 --> 00:41:27,944
can now take place.
526
00:41:36,911 --> 00:41:39,455
And, of course, tonguing
will give you the best idea
527
00:41:39,706 --> 00:41:43,251
of how the juices
are coming along.
528
00:41:43,334 --> 00:41:46,963
Helen?
Now, penetration and coitus,
529
00:41:47,046 --> 00:41:51,092
that is to say intercourse
up to and including orgasm.
530
00:41:52,301 --> 00:41:56,931
Ah, hello, dear.
Do stand up when my wife
enters the room, Carter.
531
00:41:57,015 --> 00:41:58,641
Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry.
532
00:41:58,725 --> 00:42:00,393
HELEN: Humphrey, I hope
you don't mind.
533
00:42:00,435 --> 00:42:02,937
I told the Garfields
we would dine with
them tonight.
534
00:42:02,979 --> 00:42:04,897
Yes, yes, well,
I suppose we must.
535
00:42:04,939 --> 00:42:06,774
I said we'd be
there by 8:00.
536
00:42:06,941 --> 00:42:09,652
At least
it'll give me a reason
to wind up the staff meeting.
537
00:42:09,944 --> 00:42:12,613
I know you don't like them,
but I couldn't make
another excuse.
538
00:42:12,697 --> 00:42:14,490
It's just that I felt...
539
00:42:15,491 --> 00:42:18,786
Wymer, this is
for your benefit.
540
00:42:18,828 --> 00:42:20,955
Would you kindly
wake up?
541
00:42:21,330 --> 00:42:23,958
I've no intention of going
through this all again.
542
00:42:34,802 --> 00:42:38,097
We'll take
the foreplay as read,
if you don't mind, dear.
543
00:42:38,139 --> 00:42:39,265
No, of course not,
Humphrey.
544
00:42:39,307 --> 00:42:43,811
So, the man starts
by entering or mounting
his good lady wife,
545
00:42:43,895 --> 00:42:45,688
in the standard way.
546
00:42:45,772 --> 00:42:50,943
The penis is now,
as you will observe,
more or less fully erect.
547
00:42:51,110 --> 00:42:53,488
There we are,
that's better.
548
00:42:53,613 --> 00:42:55,782
Now, Carter.
549
00:42:56,157 --> 00:42:58,326
Yes, sir?
What is it?
550
00:42:59,911 --> 00:43:03,331
It's an ocarina, sir.
Bring it up here.
551
00:43:03,956 --> 00:43:07,960
The man now starts making
thrusting movements
with his pelvic area,
552
00:43:08,002 --> 00:43:10,922
moving the penis up and down
inside the vagina.
553
00:43:11,005 --> 00:43:14,884
Put it there, boy.
Put it there on the table.
554
00:43:14,967 --> 00:43:18,971
While the wife maximizes
her clitoral stimulation
by the shaft of the penis,
555
00:43:19,013 --> 00:43:20,848
by pushing forward.
556
00:43:20,890 --> 00:43:22,225
Thank you, dear.
557
00:43:22,225 --> 00:43:24,435
(SNICKERING)
Now, as the
sexual excitement mounts...
558
00:43:24,519 --> 00:43:26,604
What's funny, Biggs?
559
00:43:27,563 --> 00:43:28,606
Oh, nothing, sir.
560
00:43:28,689 --> 00:43:31,025
Do, please,
share your little joke
with the rest of us.
561
00:43:31,150 --> 00:43:33,986
I mean, obviously,
something frightfully
funny's going on.
562
00:43:34,028 --> 00:43:35,238
No, honestly, sir.
563
00:43:35,321 --> 00:43:36,697
Well, as it's so funny,
564
00:43:36,739 --> 00:43:40,034
I think you'd
better be selected
to play for the boys' team,
565
00:43:40,368 --> 00:43:42,745
in the rugby match
against the masters
this afternoon.
566
00:43:43,871 --> 00:43:45,414
Oh, no, sir!
567
00:43:48,376 --> 00:43:49,877
(MEN CHEERING)
568
00:43:54,882 --> 00:43:57,802
MAN: Come on, Buster!
569
00:44:03,307 --> 00:44:04,684
(SCREAMING)
570
00:44:05,101 --> 00:44:07,728
Well played, well played.
571
00:44:08,187 --> 00:44:09,438
(GROANS)
572
00:44:12,775 --> 00:44:14,402
(BOYS GROANING)
573
00:44:20,324 --> 00:44:21,868
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
574
00:44:28,291 --> 00:44:29,625
(GROANING)
575
00:44:37,425 --> 00:44:38,926
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
576
00:45:17,757 --> 00:45:19,133
(GUNS FIRING)
577
00:45:24,513 --> 00:45:26,390
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
578
00:45:26,515 --> 00:45:27,808
(GUNFIRE)
579
00:45:28,100 --> 00:45:29,477
(EXPLOSIONS)
580
00:45:31,187 --> 00:45:35,358
NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life,
part three.
Fighting each other.
581
00:45:41,280 --> 00:45:44,492
Okay, Blackitt, Sturridge
and Walters, you take
the buggers on the left flank.
582
00:45:44,617 --> 00:45:46,494
Hordern, Spadger and I
will go for the gun post.
583
00:45:46,535 --> 00:45:47,578
Hang on, 68.
584
00:45:47,662 --> 00:45:50,456
You'll never make it,
let us come with you.
Do as you're told, man.
585
00:45:50,498 --> 00:45:53,167
Righto, Skipper.
Oh, sir, sir?
586
00:45:53,376 --> 00:45:56,337
(STAMMERING)
If we don't
meet again, sir.
587
00:45:56,587 --> 00:46:01,092
I'd just like to say
it's been a real privilege
fighting alongside you, sir.
588
00:46:01,175 --> 00:46:04,595
Yes, well, this is
hardly the time or place
for a goodbye speech, eh?
589
00:46:04,679 --> 00:46:09,392
Me and the lads
realize that, sir, but, well,
we may never meet again, so...
590
00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:11,310
Yes, all right, Blackitt.
Thanks a lot.
591
00:46:11,352 --> 00:46:12,436
No, just a moment, sir.
592
00:46:12,520 --> 00:46:15,606
Me and the lads,
we've had a little
whip-around, sir.
593
00:46:15,856 --> 00:46:19,694
We've bought you
something, sir.
We bought you this, sir.
594
00:46:20,528 --> 00:46:23,656
Oh! Well, it...
I don't know what to say.
595
00:46:23,698 --> 00:46:28,077
It's a lovely thought.
Thank you.
Thank you all.
596
00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:30,204
But I think
we'd better get to cover...
597
00:46:30,246 --> 00:46:31,664
(EXPLOSIONS)
598
00:46:32,206 --> 00:46:36,210
We've got something else
for you as well, sir.
599
00:46:36,252 --> 00:46:39,046
Sorry it's another clock, sir,
only there was a bit
of a mix-up.
600
00:46:39,088 --> 00:46:41,424
Walters thought
he was buying a present
601
00:46:41,507 --> 00:46:44,051
and Spadger and I
had already got
the other one.
602
00:46:44,677 --> 00:46:47,054
Well, it's beautiful,
they're both beautiful.
603
00:46:47,096 --> 00:46:48,389
(GUN FIRING)
604
00:46:49,515 --> 00:46:51,225
I think we'd better
get to cover now.
605
00:46:51,309 --> 00:46:52,935
I'll thank you properly
later on.
606
00:46:53,019 --> 00:46:55,062
Corporal Sturridge got this
for you as well, sir.
607
00:46:55,146 --> 00:46:57,148
He didn't know
about the others.
608
00:46:57,231 --> 00:47:00,192
It's Swiss.
Well, now, that
is thoughtful, Sturridge.
609
00:47:00,234 --> 00:47:02,653
Good man.
And there's a card, sir.
610
00:47:02,778 --> 00:47:06,574
From all of us,
sorry about the blood, sir.
611
00:47:06,907 --> 00:47:07,908
Thank you all.
612
00:47:07,992 --> 00:47:11,078
Squad! Three cheers
for Captain Biggs.
613
00:47:11,120 --> 00:47:12,538
Hip, hip.
ALL: Hooray!
614
00:47:12,580 --> 00:47:14,290
Hip, hip.
Hooray!
615
00:47:14,373 --> 00:47:16,125
(GUN FIRING)
Hip, hip...
616
00:47:16,208 --> 00:47:17,752
Blackitt! Blackitt!
617
00:47:17,793 --> 00:47:20,755
I'll be all right, sir.
There's just one
other thing, sir.
618
00:47:20,796 --> 00:47:23,132
Spadger,
give him the check.
Oh, yeah.
619
00:47:23,215 --> 00:47:25,301
Oh, no, this is
really going too far.
620
00:47:25,551 --> 00:47:28,888
I don't seem to be
able to find it, sir,
be in number four trench.
621
00:47:28,929 --> 00:47:31,098
For Christ's sake,
forget it, man.
622
00:47:32,600 --> 00:47:34,935
You shouldn't
have said that, sir.
623
00:47:35,770 --> 00:47:37,438
You've hurt his feelings, now.
624
00:47:37,480 --> 00:47:39,315
Don't mind me, Spadge.
625
00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:43,903
Toffs is all the same.
One minute, it's all
please and thank you.
626
00:47:44,111 --> 00:47:47,114
The next,
they'll kick you in the teeth.
Yeah.
627
00:47:47,198 --> 00:47:50,284
Let's not give him the cake.
I don't want any cake.
628
00:47:50,326 --> 00:47:52,912
Look, Blackitt cooked it
especially for you,
you bastard.
629
00:47:52,953 --> 00:47:55,539
Yeah, he saved his rations
for six weeks, sir.
630
00:47:55,623 --> 00:47:56,957
I don't mean
to be ungrateful.
631
00:47:56,999 --> 00:47:59,001
(GUN FIRING)
I'll be all right...
632
00:47:59,085 --> 00:48:01,670
Blackie! Blackie!
633
00:48:01,754 --> 00:48:05,591
Look at him!
He worked on that cake like
no one else I've ever known.
634
00:48:05,633 --> 00:48:07,468
Some nights it was so cold
we could hardly move
635
00:48:07,510 --> 00:48:08,886
but Blackitt
would be out there,
636
00:48:08,969 --> 00:48:11,931
slicing the lemons,
mixing the sugar and almonds.
637
00:48:11,972 --> 00:48:16,143
I mean, you try
getting butter to melt
at 15 degrees below zero.
638
00:48:16,185 --> 00:48:21,315
There's love in that cake,
this man's love
and this man's care and...
639
00:48:21,399 --> 00:48:22,775
(GUN FIRING)
640
00:48:23,150 --> 00:48:26,487
Oh, my Christ!
You bastard.
641
00:48:27,988 --> 00:48:31,659
All right,
we will eat the cake.
They're right.
642
00:48:31,826 --> 00:48:34,245
It's too good a cake
not to eat.
643
00:48:34,328 --> 00:48:35,663
Get the plates
and knives, Walters.
644
00:48:35,746 --> 00:48:36,997
Yes, sir.
How many plates?
645
00:48:37,081 --> 00:48:38,249
Six.
646
00:48:38,332 --> 00:48:39,708
(GUN FIRING)
647
00:48:40,251 --> 00:48:43,003
Oh, better make it five.
Tablecloth, sir?
648
00:48:43,045 --> 00:48:45,506
Yes, get the tablecloth.
649
00:48:46,507 --> 00:48:48,551
No, no,
I'll get the tablecloth.
650
00:48:48,634 --> 00:48:50,219
You better get
the gate leg table, Hordern.
651
00:48:50,302 --> 00:48:51,637
(GUN FIRING)
652
00:48:51,679 --> 00:48:53,848
And the little lamp, sir?
Yes.
653
00:48:53,931 --> 00:48:56,559
Oh, and while you're at it,
you'd better get a doily.
654
00:48:56,642 --> 00:48:58,686
I'll bring two, sir,
in case one gets crumpled.
655
00:48:58,769 --> 00:49:00,104
Okay!
656
00:49:03,732 --> 00:49:07,278
But, of course,
warfare isn't all fun.
Right. Stop that.
657
00:49:07,528 --> 00:49:09,238
It's all very well
to laugh at the military,
658
00:49:09,363 --> 00:49:11,282
but when one considers
the meaning of life,
659
00:49:11,365 --> 00:49:14,994
it is a struggle between
alternative viewpoints
of life itself.
660
00:49:15,202 --> 00:49:17,872
Without the ability
to defend one's
own viewpoint,
661
00:49:17,955 --> 00:49:20,291
against other perhaps
more aggressive ideologies,
662
00:49:20,416 --> 00:49:24,420
then reasonableness
and moderation could
quite simply disappear.
663
00:49:25,129 --> 00:49:27,715
That is why
we'll always
need an army.
664
00:49:27,798 --> 00:49:30,301
May God strike me down
were it to be otherwise.
665
00:49:34,889 --> 00:49:36,974
Don't stand there gawping,
666
00:49:37,057 --> 00:49:39,768
like you've never seen
the hand of God before!
667
00:49:39,852 --> 00:49:44,315
Now, today we're going
to do marching up
and down the square.
668
00:49:44,398 --> 00:49:48,777
That is, unless any of you
got anything better to do.
669
00:49:48,986 --> 00:49:51,363
Well?
670
00:49:51,405 --> 00:49:53,574
Anyone got anything
they'd rather be doing,
671
00:49:53,616 --> 00:49:57,786
than marching up and down
the square?
672
00:49:59,538 --> 00:50:01,957
Yes! Atkinson.
673
00:50:04,251 --> 00:50:09,256
What would you
rather be doing, Atkinson?
674
00:50:09,340 --> 00:50:13,052
Well, to be quite honest,
Sarge, I'd rather be home
with the wife and kids.
675
00:50:14,845 --> 00:50:16,931
Would you now?
676
00:50:17,097 --> 00:50:19,934
Yes, Sarge.
Right. Off you go.
677
00:50:20,601 --> 00:50:22,436
Now,
678
00:50:22,478 --> 00:50:25,272
everybody else happy
with my little plan,
679
00:50:25,606 --> 00:50:28,192
of marching up and down
the square a bit?
680
00:50:28,275 --> 00:50:29,652
Sarge?
Yes?
681
00:50:29,735 --> 00:50:31,403
I've got a book
I'd quite like to read.
682
00:50:31,445 --> 00:50:32,738
Go read your book then.
683
00:50:32,780 --> 00:50:34,031
Now!
684
00:50:35,115 --> 00:50:39,453
Everybody else
quite content to join in
685
00:50:39,620 --> 00:50:42,957
with my little scheme
of marching
686
00:50:43,082 --> 00:50:45,793
up and down the square?
687
00:50:45,876 --> 00:50:47,461
Sarge?
688
00:50:47,503 --> 00:50:49,547
Yes, Wyclif,
what is it?
689
00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:53,259
Well, I'm learning the piano.
690
00:50:53,300 --> 00:50:55,302
Learning the piano?
691
00:50:55,803 --> 00:50:58,013
Yes, Sarge.
And I suppose
692
00:50:58,097 --> 00:51:00,933
you want to go practice, eh?
693
00:51:01,016 --> 00:51:05,020
Marching up and down
the square not good
enough for you, eh?
694
00:51:05,104 --> 00:51:07,606
Well...
Right! Off you go!
695
00:51:07,690 --> 00:51:10,776
Now, what about
the rest of you?
696
00:51:12,152 --> 00:51:15,739
Rather be at the pictures,
I suppose.
697
00:51:16,448 --> 00:51:17,992
(ALL MUTTERING)
698
00:51:18,367 --> 00:51:20,661
All right! Off you go!
699
00:51:24,164 --> 00:51:26,083
Bloody army. I don't know
what it's coming to.
700
00:51:26,166 --> 00:51:28,961
Right.
Sergeant Major marching
up and down the square.
701
00:51:29,003 --> 00:51:30,879
Left, right, left.
702
00:51:30,963 --> 00:51:32,798
NARRATOR 2:
Democracy and humanitarianism
703
00:51:32,840 --> 00:51:35,092
have always been trademarks
of the British Army.
704
00:51:35,175 --> 00:51:36,510
SERGEANT MAJOR: Rubbish!
Shh!
705
00:51:36,594 --> 00:51:40,806
And have stamped its triumph
in the furthest-flung
corners of the Empire.
706
00:51:41,223 --> 00:51:42,725
(ALL GRUNTING)
707
00:51:42,850 --> 00:51:44,018
(PEOPLE ULULATING)
708
00:51:44,101 --> 00:51:45,686
(BUGLE SOUNDING)
709
00:51:45,978 --> 00:51:47,479
(GUNS FIRING)
710
00:51:57,865 --> 00:52:01,160
But no matter where or when
there was fighting to be done,
711
00:52:01,327 --> 00:52:05,205
it has always been
the calm leadership
of the officer class
712
00:52:05,289 --> 00:52:08,042
that has made the British Army
what it is.
713
00:52:43,077 --> 00:52:44,953
Excuse me.
714
00:52:51,585 --> 00:52:53,879
Morning, Ainsworth.
Morning, Pakenham.
715
00:52:54,129 --> 00:52:57,549
Sleep well?
Not bad.
Bitten to shreds, though.
716
00:52:57,591 --> 00:52:59,551
Must be that hole in
the bloody mosquito net.
717
00:52:59,593 --> 00:53:02,846
Yes, savage little blighters,
aren't they?
718
00:53:02,930 --> 00:53:04,932
Excuse me, sir.
Yes, Chadwick?
719
00:53:04,973 --> 00:53:07,643
I'm afraid Perkins
got rather badly bitten
during the night.
720
00:53:07,726 --> 00:53:09,186
Well, so did we.
721
00:53:09,269 --> 00:53:11,438
Yes, but I do think
Doctor ought to see him.
722
00:53:12,106 --> 00:53:15,484
Well, go and fetch him then.
Right you are, sir.
723
00:53:15,567 --> 00:53:17,736
Suppose I'd better go along.
Coming, Pakenham?
724
00:53:17,778 --> 00:53:20,197
Yes, I suppose so.
725
00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:23,117
Here, now.
Come on, boy.
726
00:53:23,909 --> 00:53:25,411
(GUNS FIRING)
727
00:53:25,452 --> 00:53:27,287
(ULULATING CONTINUES)
728
00:53:29,790 --> 00:53:31,166
(SCREAMING)
729
00:53:32,209 --> 00:53:34,294
Morning, Perkins.
730
00:53:34,336 --> 00:53:37,131
Morning, sir.
What's all the
trouble, then?
731
00:53:37,381 --> 00:53:40,134
Bitten, sir.
During the night.
732
00:53:40,175 --> 00:53:41,427
Oh?
733
00:53:41,468 --> 00:53:43,721
The whole leg gone, eh?
Yes.
734
00:53:44,680 --> 00:53:46,265
How's it feel?
735
00:53:46,306 --> 00:53:49,977
Stings a bit.
Well, it would,
wouldn't it?
736
00:53:50,060 --> 00:53:53,814
That's quite a bite
you've got there.
737
00:53:53,856 --> 00:53:55,941
Yes. A real beauty,
isn't it?
738
00:53:55,983 --> 00:53:57,484
Any idea how
it happened?
739
00:53:57,568 --> 00:54:00,028
None whatsoever.
Complete mystery to me.
740
00:54:00,112 --> 00:54:03,198
Woke up just now,
one sock too many.
741
00:54:03,323 --> 00:54:05,117
You must have a hell
of a hole in your net.
742
00:54:05,159 --> 00:54:06,577
We've sent
for the doctor.
743
00:54:06,660 --> 00:54:09,747
Hardly worth it, is it?
Yes. Better safe than sorry.
744
00:54:09,830 --> 00:54:14,001
Yes. Good Lord,
look at this.
By Jove! That's enormous.
745
00:54:14,042 --> 00:54:16,503
You don't think
it'll come back, do you?
746
00:54:16,587 --> 00:54:17,838
For more, you mean?
747
00:54:17,880 --> 00:54:19,339
You're right.
We'd better
get this stitched.
748
00:54:19,423 --> 00:54:21,091
Right.
Hello, Doc!
749
00:54:21,175 --> 00:54:25,554
Morning.
I came as fast as I could.
Is something up?
750
00:54:25,637 --> 00:54:30,434
Yes. During the night,
old Perkins got his leg
bitten sort of off.
751
00:54:30,893 --> 00:54:33,812
Oh, yeah.
Been in the wars, have we?
752
00:54:33,854 --> 00:54:34,980
Yes.
753
00:54:35,022 --> 00:54:37,566
Any headache?
Bowels all right?
754
00:54:38,192 --> 00:54:41,779
Well, let's have a look
at this one leg
of yours, then, eh?
755
00:54:43,030 --> 00:54:45,491
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
756
00:54:45,532 --> 00:54:50,370
Yes, yes. Yes, yes.
Yes, well, this is nothing
to worry about.
757
00:54:50,704 --> 00:54:53,791
Oh, good.
There's a lot of it about.
Probably a virus.
758
00:54:53,874 --> 00:54:56,877
Keep warm, plenty of rest
and if you're playing
football or anything,
759
00:54:57,044 --> 00:54:58,712
try and favor
the other leg.
760
00:54:58,796 --> 00:55:00,547
Oh, righto.
761
00:55:00,589 --> 00:55:02,591
As right as rain
in a couple of days.
762
00:55:02,674 --> 00:55:04,551
Oh. Thanks for
the reassurance, Doc.
763
00:55:04,593 --> 00:55:06,386
Not at all.
That's what I'm here for.
764
00:55:06,470 --> 00:55:08,931
Any other problems
I can reassure you about?
765
00:55:09,014 --> 00:55:10,349
No, I'm fine.
766
00:55:10,390 --> 00:55:12,643
Jolly good.
Well, must be off.
767
00:55:12,810 --> 00:55:16,313
So it'll just grow back again,
then, will it?
768
00:55:17,397 --> 00:55:18,565
Uh...
769
00:55:19,691 --> 00:55:22,945
I think
I'd better come clean
with you about this.
770
00:55:23,028 --> 00:55:26,615
It's not a virus,
I'm afraid.
771
00:55:26,698 --> 00:55:30,702
You see, a virus
is what we doctors
call very, very small,
772
00:55:30,744 --> 00:55:34,373
so small it could not
possibly have made off
with a whole leg.
773
00:55:34,414 --> 00:55:37,209
What we're looking for,
and this is no more
than an educated guess,
774
00:55:37,251 --> 00:55:38,502
I'd like to make that clear,
775
00:55:38,585 --> 00:55:40,838
is some
multi-cellular
life-form
776
00:55:40,921 --> 00:55:45,384
with stripes, huge,
razor-sharp teeth,
about 11 -foot long
777
00:55:45,425 --> 00:55:47,886
and of the genus
Felis Horribilis.
778
00:55:47,928 --> 00:55:51,807
What we doctors,
in fact, call a tiger.
779
00:55:51,974 --> 00:55:53,809
ALL: A tiger?
780
00:55:53,892 --> 00:55:55,811
ALL: A tiger?
781
00:55:56,144 --> 00:55:57,813
(PEOPLE ULULATING)
782
00:55:59,731 --> 00:56:01,900
A tiger in Africa?
Hmm?
783
00:56:01,942 --> 00:56:03,652
A tiger in Africa!
784
00:56:05,779 --> 00:56:08,031
Ah, well, it's probably
escaped from a zoo.
785
00:56:08,115 --> 00:56:09,449
Doesn't sound
very likely to me.
786
00:56:09,491 --> 00:56:11,910
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
SOLDIER: Sir! Sir!
787
00:56:11,952 --> 00:56:14,580
The attack's over, sir.
The Zulus are retreating.
788
00:56:14,621 --> 00:56:15,789
Oh, jolly good.
789
00:56:15,831 --> 00:56:17,583
Quite a lot of
casualties, sir.
790
00:56:17,624 --> 00:56:19,668
C-division wiped out.
Signals gone.
791
00:56:19,751 --> 00:56:21,712
Thirty men killed
in F-section.
Yes, I see.
792
00:56:21,795 --> 00:56:24,464
I should think about
150 men altogether, sir.
793
00:56:24,506 --> 00:56:25,716
Jolly good.
794
00:56:25,799 --> 00:56:27,009
I haven't got
the final figures,
795
00:56:27,092 --> 00:56:29,177
but there's a lot
of seriously wounded
in the compound...
796
00:56:29,261 --> 00:56:32,973
Yes, well, the thing is,
Sergeant, I've got
a bit of a problem here.
797
00:56:34,933 --> 00:56:37,728
One of the officers
has lost a leg.
798
00:56:37,811 --> 00:56:40,355
Oh, no, sir!
I'm afraid so.
799
00:56:40,439 --> 00:56:42,733
Probably a tiger.
In Africa?
800
00:56:42,816 --> 00:56:43,984
(MUMBLING)
801
00:56:44,026 --> 00:56:47,946
The MO says we can
stitch it back on
if we can find it immediately.
802
00:56:47,988 --> 00:56:50,324
Right, sir.
I'll organize a party.
803
00:56:50,365 --> 00:56:52,993
It's hardly the time
for that, Sergeant.
804
00:56:53,076 --> 00:56:56,788
A search party.
Much better idea.
805
00:56:57,623 --> 00:56:59,207
(BUGLE SOUNDING)
806
00:56:59,499 --> 00:57:01,251
(SOLDIERS GROANING)
807
00:57:01,710 --> 00:57:02,961
Sorry about the mess, sir.
808
00:57:03,003 --> 00:57:05,714
We'll try and get it
cleared up
by the time you get back.
809
00:57:05,797 --> 00:57:07,883
We showed 'em,
didn't we, sir?
Yes.
810
00:57:07,966 --> 00:57:10,385
Here. We got a search party.
Leave that alone.
811
00:57:10,469 --> 00:57:13,263
All this killing, bloodshed.
Bloody good fun, sir,
isn't it?
812
00:57:13,347 --> 00:57:14,431
Yes, very good.
813
00:57:14,514 --> 00:57:15,641
SOLDIER: Morning, sir.
814
00:57:15,682 --> 00:57:17,059
Nasty wound
you've got there, fella.
815
00:57:17,142 --> 00:57:18,977
Thank you very much, sir.
816
00:57:19,645 --> 00:57:22,105
Come on, Private.
Making up a search party.
817
00:57:24,149 --> 00:57:26,109
Better than staying home,
isn't it?
818
00:57:26,193 --> 00:57:28,403
I mean, at home
if you kill someone,
they arrest you.
819
00:57:28,487 --> 00:57:31,239
Here, they give you a gun
and show you what to do, sir.
820
00:57:31,323 --> 00:57:36,078
I mean, I killed
15 of those buggers, sir.
At home, they'd hang me.
821
00:57:36,161 --> 00:57:38,538
Here, they'll give me
a fucking medal, sir.
822
00:57:41,333 --> 00:57:43,126
(INSECTS CHITTERING)
823
00:57:54,054 --> 00:57:55,722
(CLEARING THROAT)
824
00:57:55,764 --> 00:57:58,850
Sorry, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
825
00:58:16,660 --> 00:58:18,578
Look!
826
00:58:19,955 --> 00:58:22,082
My God! It's huge!
827
00:58:25,002 --> 00:58:26,169
(TIGER GROWLING)
828
00:58:30,048 --> 00:58:31,758
(MONKEYS SCREECHING)
829
00:58:31,925 --> 00:58:34,594
Don't shoot.
Don't shoot.
We're not a tiger.
830
00:58:36,096 --> 00:58:38,390
We were just...
831
00:58:38,890 --> 00:58:40,934
Why are you dressed
as a tiger?
832
00:58:43,270 --> 00:58:45,272
Oh, why, why, why?
833
00:58:45,355 --> 00:58:47,024
Isn't it a lovely
day today?
834
00:58:47,107 --> 00:58:50,444
Answer the question.
Oh, we were just...
835
00:58:50,485 --> 00:58:54,406
Well, actually,
we're dressed
like this because...
836
00:58:55,282 --> 00:58:56,992
Oh, no, that's not it.
837
00:58:57,075 --> 00:58:59,828
Oh, we did it for a laugh.
Part of a spree.
High spirits.
838
00:58:59,911 --> 00:59:02,706
Simple as that.
Nothing more to it.
839
00:59:03,040 --> 00:59:06,001
Well, actually,
we're on a mission
for British Intelligence.
840
00:59:06,334 --> 00:59:08,837
There's a pro-czarist
Asante chief...
841
00:59:08,920 --> 00:59:10,839
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
842
00:59:10,922 --> 00:59:13,133
No, no, no, no.
We're doing it
for an advertisement.
843
00:59:13,175 --> 00:59:15,510
Ah, that's it.
Forget about the Russians.
844
00:59:15,594 --> 00:59:18,263
We're doing an advert
for Tiger Brand Coffee.
845
00:59:18,305 --> 00:59:19,890
"Tiger Brand Coffee
is a real treat.
846
00:59:19,973 --> 00:59:22,476
"Even tigers prefer
a cup of it to real meat."
847
00:59:22,517 --> 00:59:24,936
Now, look...
All right, all right.
848
00:59:24,978 --> 00:59:28,315
We are dressed as a tiger
because he had an auntie
who did it in 1839.
849
00:59:28,356 --> 00:59:31,568
This is the 50th anniversary.
No. We're doing it for a bet.
850
00:59:31,651 --> 00:59:32,652
God told us to do it.
851
00:59:32,736 --> 00:59:35,489
To tell the truth,
we are completely mad.
852
00:59:35,572 --> 00:59:37,991
We're inmates of a Bengali
psychiatric institution,
853
00:59:38,033 --> 00:59:42,746
and we escaped by
making this skin out of
old used cereal packets.
854
00:59:42,829 --> 00:59:45,165
PERKINS: It doesn't matter!
What?
855
00:59:45,207 --> 00:59:50,420
It doesn't matter why
they're dressed as a tiger.
Have they got my leg?
856
00:59:50,504 --> 00:59:53,173
Good thinking.
Well, have you?
857
00:59:53,256 --> 00:59:55,592
Actually...
Yes?
858
00:59:55,675 --> 00:59:57,844
We were thinking
of training
as taxidermists.
859
00:59:57,928 --> 01:00:00,013
We wanted to get
the feel of it from
the animal's point of view.
860
01:00:00,055 --> 01:00:01,098
Be quiet!
861
01:00:01,181 --> 01:00:03,600
Now look,
we're just asking you
862
01:00:03,683 --> 01:00:05,602
if you've got
this man's leg.
863
01:00:06,353 --> 01:00:08,688
A wooden leg?
No, no, a proper leg.
864
01:00:08,730 --> 01:00:13,777
He was fast asleep,
and someone or something
came in and removed it.
865
01:00:14,694 --> 01:00:16,363
Without waking him up?
866
01:00:18,698 --> 01:00:20,909
Yes.
I don't believe you.
867
01:00:20,992 --> 01:00:23,703
We found the tiger skin
in a bicycle shop in Cairo.
868
01:00:23,787 --> 01:00:25,622
The owner wanted it
taken to Dar Es Salaam.
869
01:00:25,705 --> 01:00:26,706
Shut up!
870
01:00:26,748 --> 01:00:30,418
Now look,
have you or have you not
got his leg?
871
01:00:30,585 --> 01:00:34,422
Yes. No. No, no, no, no.
No. No, no, no.
872
01:00:35,924 --> 01:00:38,552
Why did you say yes?
I didn't.
873
01:00:38,593 --> 01:00:40,220
I'm not talking to you.
874
01:00:42,222 --> 01:00:43,557
Um...
875
01:00:44,724 --> 01:00:45,976
Um...
876
01:00:47,686 --> 01:00:49,604
Right. Search the thicket.
877
01:00:49,980 --> 01:00:52,399
Oh, come on.
I mean, do we look like
878
01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:54,234
the sort of chaps
who'd creep into a camp
at night,
879
01:00:54,317 --> 01:00:57,237
steal into someone's tent,
anaesthetize them,
tissue-type them,
880
01:00:57,320 --> 01:00:59,573
amputate a leg
and run away with it?
881
01:01:00,115 --> 01:01:01,741
Search the thicket.
882
01:01:02,033 --> 01:01:04,578
Oh, leg!
You're looking for a leg!
883
01:01:04,619 --> 01:01:06,913
Actually, I think
there is one
there somewhere.
884
01:01:06,955 --> 01:01:08,790
Somebody must have
abandoned it here,
885
01:01:08,874 --> 01:01:10,584
knowing you were
coming after it.
886
01:01:10,625 --> 01:01:12,586
We stumbled across it,
actually, and wondered
what it was.
887
01:01:12,627 --> 01:01:13,920
They'll be miles away
by now.
888
01:01:13,962 --> 01:01:17,424
We'll have to take
all the blame.
889
01:01:17,883 --> 01:01:22,095
Hello, good evening
and welcome to
The Middle of the Film.
890
01:01:28,935 --> 01:01:31,563
Hello and welcome
to The Middle of the Film,
891
01:01:31,605 --> 01:01:34,357
the moment where
we take a break and
invite you, the audience,
892
01:01:34,441 --> 01:01:37,944
to join us, the filmmakers,
in Find the Fish.
893
01:01:39,279 --> 01:01:41,489
We're going to show you
a scene from another film
894
01:01:41,573 --> 01:01:44,326
and ask you to guess
where the fish is.
895
01:01:44,409 --> 01:01:47,162
But if you think you know,
don't keep it to yourselves.
896
01:01:47,245 --> 01:01:49,623
Yell out so that
all the cinema
can hear you.
897
01:01:49,706 --> 01:01:52,751
So here we are
with Find the Fish.
898
01:02:02,427 --> 01:02:06,264
I wonder
where that fish has gone.
899
01:02:06,306 --> 01:02:08,266
You did love it so.
900
01:02:08,308 --> 01:02:11,353
You looked after it
like a son.
901
01:02:11,436 --> 01:02:15,774
And it went
wherever I did go.
902
01:02:15,815 --> 01:02:19,486
Is it in the cupboard?
AUDIENCE: Yes! No!
903
01:02:19,527 --> 01:02:23,865
Wouldn't you like to know?
It was a lovely little fish.
904
01:02:23,949 --> 01:02:28,787
And it went
wherever I did go.
905
01:02:28,828 --> 01:02:33,208
MAN: It's behind the sofa!
Where can that fish be?
906
01:02:33,416 --> 01:02:35,835
MAN 2: Have you thought
of the drawers
in the bureau?
907
01:02:35,919 --> 01:02:39,005
It is a most
elusive fish.
908
01:02:39,089 --> 01:02:43,301
And it went
wherever I did go.
909
01:02:43,343 --> 01:02:47,514
Oh! Fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish.
910
01:02:47,597 --> 01:02:52,185
Fish, fish, fishy, oh!
911
01:02:52,269 --> 01:02:57,190
Oh! Fishy, fishy,
fishy, fish!
912
01:02:57,274 --> 01:03:01,486
That went
wherever I did go.
913
01:03:01,528 --> 01:03:05,073
MAN 3: Look up his trunk!
MAN 4: Yeah!
It's in his trousers!
914
01:03:05,156 --> 01:03:07,534
That was terrific!
Great! Yeah!
915
01:03:07,617 --> 01:03:11,204
Best bit so far.
Fantastic! Really great!
916
01:03:11,288 --> 01:03:13,540
Really risky, yeah.
917
01:03:17,043 --> 01:03:20,755
They haven't said much about
the meaning of life so far,
have they?
918
01:03:20,839 --> 01:03:23,300
Well, it's been
building up to it.
Has it?
919
01:03:23,383 --> 01:03:26,303
Yeah, I expect
they'll get onto it now.
920
01:03:26,386 --> 01:03:28,096
Personally, I doubt
921
01:03:28,179 --> 01:03:30,849
they're going to say
anything about the
meaning of life at all.
922
01:03:30,890 --> 01:03:32,600
Oh, come on.
They've gotta say something.
923
01:03:32,684 --> 01:03:33,935
They're bound to.
924
01:03:34,019 --> 01:03:35,895
Yeah.
925
01:03:38,982 --> 01:03:41,067
What do you think
the next bit will be?
926
01:03:41,109 --> 01:03:42,110
Caption, I expect.
927
01:03:42,193 --> 01:03:45,530
What, about the next stage
of life, you mean?
Oh, yeah. Here we go.
928
01:03:45,572 --> 01:03:47,115
NARRATOR: Middle Age.
929
01:03:47,198 --> 01:03:48,950
FISH: Could've guessed it.
930
01:03:54,581 --> 01:03:56,750
That's much better.
Thank you, honey.
931
01:03:56,791 --> 01:03:58,001
You're welcome.
932
01:03:59,836 --> 01:04:01,504
It was all sort of
misty before.
933
01:04:01,588 --> 01:04:02,589
(CAMERA CLICKING)
934
01:04:02,672 --> 01:04:05,884
That's fine.
Hey! How are you?
935
01:04:05,925 --> 01:04:07,385
Oh, we're just fine.
936
01:04:07,427 --> 01:04:09,804
What kind of food
you like to eat
this evening?
937
01:04:09,888 --> 01:04:12,015
Well, we sort of
like pineapple.
938
01:04:12,098 --> 01:04:14,059
Yeah, we love pineapple.
939
01:04:14,100 --> 01:04:16,978
Yeah, anything
with pineapple in
is great for us.
940
01:04:17,062 --> 01:04:19,606
Well, how 'bout
the dungeon room?
941
01:04:19,689 --> 01:04:21,191
Oh, that sounds fine.
942
01:04:21,274 --> 01:04:23,318
Sure is.
It's real Hawaiian food,
943
01:04:23,401 --> 01:04:27,864
served in
an authentic medieval
English dungeon atmosphere.
944
01:04:28,782 --> 01:04:30,325
(MAN GROANING)
945
01:04:32,327 --> 01:04:34,788
(HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING)
946
01:04:37,290 --> 01:04:38,792
(MAN GROANING)
947
01:04:43,421 --> 01:04:45,924
Isn't this nice?
How are ya?
948
01:04:47,759 --> 01:04:50,970
Take a little Kodak.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
949
01:04:53,306 --> 01:04:54,307
(SCATTING)
950
01:04:54,391 --> 01:04:55,892
(MAN GROANING)
951
01:04:56,393 --> 01:04:57,852
(MUSIC STOPS)
952
01:05:05,485 --> 01:05:08,696
Good evening.
Would you care
for something to talk about?
953
01:05:08,780 --> 01:05:10,698
Oh, that would
be wonderful.
954
01:05:10,782 --> 01:05:13,201
Our special tonight
is minorities.
955
01:05:13,284 --> 01:05:15,412
Oh, that sounds
real interesting.
956
01:05:15,495 --> 01:05:18,998
What's this
conversation here?
That's football.
957
01:05:19,082 --> 01:05:21,459
You can talk about
the Steelers-Bears
game Saturday,
958
01:05:21,501 --> 01:05:24,879
or you could reminisce about
really great World Series.
959
01:05:24,963 --> 01:05:27,340
No, no, no.
What is this one here?
960
01:05:27,424 --> 01:05:31,177
That's philosophy.
Is that a sport?
961
01:05:31,678 --> 01:05:33,847
No, it's more of an attempt
962
01:05:33,930 --> 01:05:37,851
to construct
a viable hypothesis to
explain the meaning of life.
963
01:05:37,934 --> 01:05:41,020
What was that?
What's he saying?
964
01:05:41,104 --> 01:05:42,939
Oh, that sounds wonderful.
965
01:05:43,022 --> 01:05:45,859
Would you like to talk about
the meaning of life, darling?
966
01:05:46,484 --> 01:05:48,027
Sure. Why not?
967
01:05:48,111 --> 01:05:50,238
Philosophy for two?
Right.
968
01:05:50,321 --> 01:05:52,240
Room?
259.
969
01:05:52,323 --> 01:05:54,534
259.
Yeah.
970
01:05:54,617 --> 01:05:57,454
(STAMMERING)
How do we...
971
01:05:57,537 --> 01:05:59,789
Oh, you folks
want me to start you off?
972
01:05:59,873 --> 01:06:01,332
We'd appreciate that.
973
01:06:01,374 --> 01:06:04,711
Okay! Well, look.
974
01:06:04,794 --> 01:06:07,964
Have you ever wondered
just why you're here?
975
01:06:09,883 --> 01:06:13,011
Well, we went
to Miami last year and
California the year before...
976
01:06:13,052 --> 01:06:16,723
No, no, no.
I mean, why we're here,
on this planet.
977
01:06:20,185 --> 01:06:21,227
No.
978
01:06:21,311 --> 01:06:25,523
Right.
You ever wanted to know
what it's all about?
979
01:06:25,732 --> 01:06:27,192
Nope.
980
01:06:27,484 --> 01:06:30,528
Righty-ho! Well,
981
01:06:30,570 --> 01:06:33,156
see, throughout history,
there've been
certain men and women,
982
01:06:33,239 --> 01:06:37,410
who've tried to find
the solution to
the mysteries of existence.
983
01:06:37,744 --> 01:06:38,745
Great!
984
01:06:38,828 --> 01:06:40,788
And we call these guys
philosophers.
985
01:06:40,872 --> 01:06:43,082
Oh!
And that's what
we're talking about.
986
01:06:43,166 --> 01:06:45,251
Right!
Oh, that's neat.
987
01:06:45,293 --> 01:06:47,128
Well, you look like
you're getting the idea,
988
01:06:47,212 --> 01:06:49,839
so why don't I give you
these conversation cards.
989
01:06:49,923 --> 01:06:54,385
They'll tell you a little
about philosophical method,
names of famous philosophers.
990
01:06:54,427 --> 01:06:57,055
There you are.
Have a nice conversation.
991
01:06:57,096 --> 01:06:59,057
Oh, thank you
very much.
992
01:06:59,098 --> 01:07:02,227
He's cute.
Yeah, real understanding.
993
01:07:02,268 --> 01:07:06,606
Oh! I never knew Schopenhauer
was a philosopher.
994
01:07:07,982 --> 01:07:11,611
Oh, yeah. He's the one
that begins with an "S."
995
01:07:14,489 --> 01:07:15,782
Oh.
996
01:07:18,576 --> 01:07:20,161
Like Nietzsche.
997
01:07:22,121 --> 01:07:24,082
Does Nietzsche
begin with an "S"?
998
01:07:26,000 --> 01:07:28,711
There's an "S" in Nietzsche.
999
01:07:30,380 --> 01:07:32,632
Oh, well, yes, there is.
1000
01:07:33,550 --> 01:07:35,802
Do all philosophers
have an "S" in them?
1001
01:07:36,261 --> 01:07:38,513
Yeah. I think most of them do.
1002
01:07:39,097 --> 01:07:43,518
Oh. Does that mean
Salena Jones
is a philosopher?
1003
01:07:44,102 --> 01:07:46,813
Yeah! Right! She could be.
1004
01:07:47,105 --> 01:07:49,190
She sings about
the meaning of life.
1005
01:07:49,315 --> 01:07:54,153
Yeah. That's right,
but I don't think
she writes her own material.
1006
01:07:54,237 --> 01:07:58,241
No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer
writes her material.
1007
01:07:58,658 --> 01:08:00,994
No. Burt Bacharach writes it.
1008
01:08:02,370 --> 01:08:04,289
There's no "S"
in Burt Bacharach.
1009
01:08:05,039 --> 01:08:06,624
Or in Hal David.
1010
01:08:07,750 --> 01:08:09,335
Who's Hal David?
1011
01:08:09,752 --> 01:08:12,839
He writes the lyrics.
Burt just writes the tunes.
1012
01:08:12,922 --> 01:08:16,509
Only now, he's married
to Carole Bayer Sager.
1013
01:08:19,804 --> 01:08:22,682
Waiter? This conversation
isn't very good.
1014
01:08:22,765 --> 01:08:27,895
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
We do have one today
that's not on the menu.
1015
01:08:27,979 --> 01:08:29,981
It's sort of
a specialty of the house,
you know?
1016
01:08:30,023 --> 01:08:31,983
Live organ transplants.
1017
01:08:32,942 --> 01:08:35,403
Live organ transplants?
What's that?
1018
01:08:37,697 --> 01:08:42,118
NARRATOR: The Meaning
of Life, part five.
Live organ transplants.
1019
01:08:43,161 --> 01:08:44,829
(DOORBELL RINGING)
1020
01:08:45,079 --> 01:08:47,373
Don't worry, dear.
I'll get it.
1021
01:08:47,457 --> 01:08:48,791
(COUGHING)
1022
01:08:48,916 --> 01:08:51,127
(HAVA NAGILA PLAYING)
1023
01:08:54,839 --> 01:08:57,508
Yes?
Hello. Can we have your liver?
1024
01:08:58,301 --> 01:09:00,136
What?
Your liver.
1025
01:09:01,179 --> 01:09:04,349
It's a large glandular organ
in your abdomen.
1026
01:09:06,225 --> 01:09:08,895
You know,
it's reddish-brown,
it's sort of...
1027
01:09:08,978 --> 01:09:13,066
Yeah, yeah,
I know what it is,
but I'm using it.
1028
01:09:15,401 --> 01:09:18,613
Come on, sir.
Don't muck us about.
Hey, hey, hey!
1029
01:09:19,572 --> 01:09:20,990
Hello!
1030
01:09:23,242 --> 01:09:25,828
What's this, then?
A liver donor's card.
1031
01:09:25,912 --> 01:09:27,914
Need we say more?
No.
1032
01:09:27,997 --> 01:09:31,793
Listen, I can't give it
to you now. It says,
"In the event of death."
1033
01:09:31,876 --> 01:09:33,086
My God!
1034
01:09:33,169 --> 01:09:36,798
No one has ever
had their liver taken out
by us and survived.
1035
01:09:36,881 --> 01:09:39,133
Just lie there, sir.
It won't take a minute.
1036
01:09:39,300 --> 01:09:41,010
(SCREAMING)
1037
01:09:53,564 --> 01:09:55,566
Here. What's going on?
1038
01:09:55,608 --> 01:09:57,402
He's donating
his liver, madam.
1039
01:09:58,778 --> 01:10:01,739
Is this because he took out
one of those silly cards?
1040
01:10:01,781 --> 01:10:04,742
That's right, madam.
Typical of him.
1041
01:10:04,784 --> 01:10:08,538
He goes down
to the public library,
sees a few signs up,
1042
01:10:08,621 --> 01:10:11,040
comes home all full
of good intentions.
1043
01:10:11,791 --> 01:10:15,795
He gives blood,
does cold research,
all that sort of thing.
1044
01:10:15,837 --> 01:10:17,213
(SCREAMING)
1045
01:10:19,799 --> 01:10:22,468
What do you do
with them all, anyway?
1046
01:10:22,552 --> 01:10:24,762
They all go to
saving lives, madam.
1047
01:10:24,804 --> 01:10:26,305
That's what
he used to say.
1048
01:10:26,347 --> 01:10:28,683
"It's all for
the good of the country,"
he used to say.
1049
01:10:28,766 --> 01:10:30,226
(MAN GASPING)
1050
01:10:30,309 --> 01:10:32,729
Do you think
it's all for the good
of the country?
1051
01:10:32,895 --> 01:10:33,896
Hmm?
1052
01:10:33,980 --> 01:10:36,441
Do you think
it's all for the good
of the country?
1053
01:10:36,482 --> 01:10:37,692
I wouldn't
know about that, madam.
1054
01:10:37,775 --> 01:10:39,485
We're just doing our jobs,
you know?
1055
01:10:39,610 --> 01:10:41,112
(MAN SCREAMING)
1056
01:10:41,988 --> 01:10:44,365
You're not doctors, then?
1057
01:10:45,199 --> 01:10:46,951
Oh, blimey, no.
1058
01:10:48,119 --> 01:10:50,496
Mum, Dad,
I'm off out now.
1059
01:10:50,580 --> 01:10:53,166
I'll see you about 7:00?
Righto, son.
1060
01:10:53,332 --> 01:10:55,251
Look after yourself.
1061
01:10:55,334 --> 01:10:56,836
(MAN SCREAMING)
1062
01:10:59,881 --> 01:11:02,967
You fancy
a cup of tea?
1063
01:11:03,801 --> 01:11:06,387
Oh, well, that'd
be very nice.
Thank you.
1064
01:11:06,971 --> 01:11:09,557
Thank you very
much, madam.
Thank you.
1065
01:11:11,309 --> 01:11:13,144
I thought
she'd never ask.
1066
01:11:17,398 --> 01:11:19,567
You do realize
1067
01:11:19,650 --> 01:11:24,489
he has to be, well, dead,
by the terms of the card,
1068
01:11:24,947 --> 01:11:26,908
before he donates his liver.
1069
01:11:27,325 --> 01:11:31,162
Well, I told him that,
but he never listens to me,
silly man.
1070
01:11:31,204 --> 01:11:33,247
I mean,
I was wonderin'...
1071
01:11:34,081 --> 01:11:36,626
Well, you know,
what you was thinkin'
of doin' after that.
1072
01:11:36,709 --> 01:11:39,545
I mean, will you stay
on your own?
1073
01:11:40,171 --> 01:11:44,509
Or is there, well,
someone else, sort of,
1074
01:11:46,385 --> 01:11:47,762
on the horizon?
1075
01:11:48,137 --> 01:11:51,432
I'm too old
for that sort of thing.
I'm past my prime.
1076
01:11:51,516 --> 01:11:54,727
Not at all.
Very attractive woman.
1077
01:11:55,436 --> 01:11:58,940
Well, I'm certainly
not thinking of getting
hitched up again.
1078
01:12:00,566 --> 01:12:02,276
Sure?
Sure.
1079
01:12:10,785 --> 01:12:14,497
Can we have
your liver then?
I would be scared.
1080
01:12:14,622 --> 01:12:15,915
All right.
1081
01:12:17,458 --> 01:12:19,252
I'll tell you what.
1082
01:12:20,586 --> 01:12:21,921
Listen to this.
1083
01:12:22,588 --> 01:12:25,466
(SINGING)
Whenever life gets
you down, Mrs. Brown
1084
01:12:25,716 --> 01:12:28,427
And things seem hard
or tough
1085
01:12:29,095 --> 01:12:33,391
And people are stupid,
obnoxious or daft
1086
01:12:33,975 --> 01:12:36,435
and you feel
that you've had
1087
01:12:36,894 --> 01:12:39,981
quite enough.
1088
01:12:43,109 --> 01:12:46,654
Just remember
that you're standing
1089
01:12:46,737 --> 01:12:48,990
On a planet
that's evolving
1090
01:12:49,073 --> 01:12:52,201
And revolving
at 900 miles an hour
1091
01:12:52,952 --> 01:12:56,998
It's orbiting
at 19 miles a second
so it's reckoned
1092
01:12:57,081 --> 01:13:00,626
A sun that is the source
of all our power
1093
01:13:01,002 --> 01:13:04,505
The sun and you and me
and all the stars
that we can see
1094
01:13:04,964 --> 01:13:08,467
Are moving
at a million miles a day
1095
01:13:08,843 --> 01:13:12,847
In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hour
1096
01:13:12,930 --> 01:13:15,641
Of the galaxy
we call the Milky Way
1097
01:13:24,775 --> 01:13:28,613
Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion stars
1098
01:13:28,654 --> 01:13:32,116
It's a hundred thousand
light years side to side
1099
01:13:32,783 --> 01:13:36,203
It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thick
1100
01:13:36,287 --> 01:13:39,999
But out by us, it's just
3,000 light years wide
1101
01:13:40,625 --> 01:13:44,337
We're 30,000 light years
from galactic central point
1102
01:13:44,378 --> 01:13:47,882
We go round
every 200 million years
1103
01:13:48,424 --> 01:13:52,094
And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billions
1104
01:13:52,178 --> 01:13:55,473
In this amazing
and expanding universe
1105
01:14:28,506 --> 01:14:32,426
The universe itself
keeps on expanding
and expanding
1106
01:14:32,510 --> 01:14:35,846
In all of the directions
it can whizz
1107
01:14:36,389 --> 01:14:40,226
As fast as it can go
The speed of light, you know
1108
01:14:40,267 --> 01:14:43,771
Twelve million miles a minute
and that's the fastest
speed there is
1109
01:14:43,854 --> 01:14:47,900
So remember
when you're feeling
very small and insecure
1110
01:14:48,317 --> 01:14:51,904
How amazingly unlikely
is your birth
1111
01:14:52,238 --> 01:14:55,783
And pray that
there's intelligent life
somewhere up in space
1112
01:14:55,866 --> 01:14:58,744
'Cause there's bugger all
down here on Earth
1113
01:15:01,747 --> 01:15:02,957
(SIGHS)
1114
01:15:04,375 --> 01:15:07,211
Makes you feel so,
sort of insignificant,
doesn't it?
1115
01:15:07,253 --> 01:15:08,879
Yeah. Yeah.
1116
01:15:11,424 --> 01:15:13,217
Can we have
your liver, then?
1117
01:15:14,218 --> 01:15:15,553
Yeah, all right.
You talked me into it.
1118
01:15:15,594 --> 01:15:16,637
Eric!
1119
01:15:25,604 --> 01:15:28,858
Which brings us, once again,
to the urgent realization
1120
01:15:28,941 --> 01:15:32,278
of just how much there is
still left to own.
1121
01:15:33,195 --> 01:15:38,117
Item six on the agenda,
the Meaning of Life.
1122
01:15:40,244 --> 01:15:42,997
Now, Harry, you've had
some thoughts on this.
1123
01:15:43,080 --> 01:15:46,167
I've had a team
working on this
over the past few weeks,
1124
01:15:46,250 --> 01:15:50,796
and what we've come up
with can be reduced to
two fundamental concepts.
1125
01:15:51,630 --> 01:15:54,341
One.
People are not wearing
enough hats.
1126
01:15:55,092 --> 01:15:57,636
Two. Matter is energy.
1127
01:15:58,054 --> 01:16:02,892
In the universe, there are
many energy fields which
we cannot normally perceive.
1128
01:16:03,309 --> 01:16:07,938
Some energies have
a spiritual source, which act
upon a person's soul.
1129
01:16:08,647 --> 01:16:12,318
However, this soul
does not exist ab initio,
1130
01:16:12,359 --> 01:16:15,029
as orthodox Christianity
teaches.
1131
01:16:15,488 --> 01:16:17,448
It has to be
brought into existence,
1132
01:16:17,490 --> 01:16:20,618
by a process of guided
self-observation.
1133
01:16:21,786 --> 01:16:25,206
However, this is
rarely achieved, owing
to man's unique ability
1134
01:16:25,289 --> 01:16:29,543
to be distracted
from spiritual matters
by everyday trivia.
1135
01:16:33,714 --> 01:16:36,008
What was that about
hats again?
1136
01:16:37,384 --> 01:16:39,637
Oh, people aren't
wearing enough.
1137
01:16:39,678 --> 01:16:41,097
Is this true?
1138
01:16:41,180 --> 01:16:43,224
Certainly.
Hat sales have increased,
1139
01:16:43,307 --> 01:16:44,850
but not pari passu,
as our research...
1140
01:16:44,892 --> 01:16:47,478
When you say "enough,"
enough for what purpose?
1141
01:16:47,520 --> 01:16:49,980
Can I just ask,
with reference to
your second point,
1142
01:16:50,439 --> 01:16:54,610
when you say
souls don't develop because
people become distracted...
1143
01:16:57,154 --> 01:16:59,532
Has anyone noticed
that building there before?
1144
01:17:01,867 --> 01:17:04,578
What?
Good Lord!
1145
01:17:19,760 --> 01:17:21,303
(MAN SCREAMING)
1146
01:17:24,765 --> 01:17:26,392
Good Lord!
1147
01:17:26,767 --> 01:17:29,979
The Crimson
Permanent Assurance!
1148
01:17:32,606 --> 01:17:35,609
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt
this film to apologize
for this unwarranted attack
1149
01:17:35,693 --> 01:17:37,069
by the supporting feature.
1150
01:17:37,319 --> 01:17:39,655
Luckily, we have been prepared
for this eventuality
1151
01:17:39,738 --> 01:17:41,657
and are now taking steps
to remedy it.
1152
01:17:43,742 --> 01:17:44,910
Thank you.
1153
01:17:44,994 --> 01:17:49,582
NARRATOR:
The Meaning of Life, part six.
The autumn years.
1154
01:17:51,208 --> 01:17:52,418
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
1155
01:17:52,459 --> 01:17:54,920
Here's a little number
I tossed off recently
in the Caribbean.
1156
01:17:55,629 --> 01:17:58,174
(SINGING)
Isn't it awfully nice
to have a penis
1157
01:17:58,716 --> 01:18:01,218
Isn't it frightfully good
to have a dong
1158
01:18:01,760 --> 01:18:04,638
It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick
1159
01:18:04,722 --> 01:18:07,975
From the tiniest little tadger
to the world's biggest prick
1160
01:18:08,434 --> 01:18:11,437
So three cheers for your Willy
or John Thomas
1161
01:18:12,021 --> 01:18:14,648
Hooray for your
one-eyed trouser snake
1162
01:18:15,065 --> 01:18:18,736
Your piece of pork,
your wife's best friend,
your Percy or your cock
1163
01:18:18,861 --> 01:18:22,114
You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sock
1164
01:18:22,406 --> 01:18:25,451
But don't take it out
in public or they
will stick you in the dock
1165
01:18:25,534 --> 01:18:27,870
And you won't come back
1166
01:18:27,953 --> 01:18:29,288
Thank you very much.
1167
01:18:31,457 --> 01:18:33,792
Oh, what a
frightfully witty song.
1168
01:18:33,834 --> 01:18:35,502
Terribly clever.
1169
01:18:38,422 --> 01:18:40,591
Jolly good.
Marvelous.
1170
01:18:48,140 --> 01:18:50,434
Oh, shit!
It's Mr. Creosote!
1171
01:19:09,286 --> 01:19:12,164
Good afternoon, sir,
and how are we today?
1172
01:19:12,289 --> 01:19:13,499
Better.
Better?
1173
01:19:13,540 --> 01:19:16,085
Better get a bucket.
I'm gonna throw up.
1174
01:19:16,252 --> 01:19:18,587
Gaston?
A bucket for monsieur.
1175
01:19:23,175 --> 01:19:25,135
There we are, monsieur.
1176
01:19:40,234 --> 01:19:42,486
Merci, Gaston.
I haven't finished.
1177
01:19:42,528 --> 01:19:44,029
Oh, pardon!
Gaston?
1178
01:19:44,280 --> 01:19:45,906
A thousand pardons,
monsieur.
1179
01:19:45,990 --> 01:19:50,786
Now, this afternoon,
we have monsieur's favorite,
the jugged hare.
1180
01:19:51,036 --> 01:19:55,541
The hare is very high
and the sauce is very rich,
1181
01:19:55,833 --> 01:20:00,629
with truffles, anchovies,
Grand Marnier,
bacon and cream.
1182
01:20:00,713 --> 01:20:03,257
Thank you, Gaston.
There's still more.
1183
01:20:04,133 --> 01:20:06,051
Allow me.
1184
01:20:07,052 --> 01:20:08,804
A new bucket
for monsieur.
1185
01:20:13,017 --> 01:20:14,310
And the cleaning woman.
1186
01:20:17,604 --> 01:20:20,441
Et maintenant,
would monsieur care
for an aperitif,
1187
01:20:20,524 --> 01:20:23,027
or would he prefer
to order straightaway?
1188
01:20:24,194 --> 01:20:28,073
Today, we have
for appetizers,
excuse me,
1189
01:20:30,200 --> 01:20:33,662
moules marinières,
pâté de foie gras,
beluga caviar,
1190
01:20:33,829 --> 01:20:37,333
eggs Benedictine,
tarte de poireaux,
that's leek tart,
1191
01:20:37,416 --> 01:20:41,337
frogs' legs amandine
or oeufs de caille
Richard Shepherd.
1192
01:20:41,420 --> 01:20:45,591
C'est a dire,
little quails' eggs
on a bed of puréed mushrooms.
1193
01:20:45,632 --> 01:20:47,593
It's very delicate,
very succulent.
1194
01:20:47,885 --> 01:20:49,595
I'll have the lot.
1195
01:20:50,554 --> 01:20:54,600
A wise choice, monsieur.
And now, how would
you like it served?
1196
01:20:54,641 --> 01:20:57,102
All mixed up together
in a bucket?
1197
01:20:57,144 --> 01:20:59,104
Yeah. With the eggs on top.
1198
01:20:59,146 --> 01:21:01,357
But of course.
Avec des oeufs frites.
1199
01:21:01,440 --> 01:21:02,816
Don't skimp on the pâté.
1200
01:21:02,900 --> 01:21:04,234
Oh, monsieur,
I assure you,
1201
01:21:04,276 --> 01:21:06,653
just because it is mixed up
with all the other things,
1202
01:21:06,737 --> 01:21:09,031
we would not dream
of giving you less
than the full amount.
1203
01:21:09,114 --> 01:21:12,993
In fact,
I will personally make sure
you have a double helping.
1204
01:21:13,535 --> 01:21:15,120
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
1205
01:21:15,204 --> 01:21:16,622
Something to drink,
monsieur?
1206
01:21:16,705 --> 01:21:20,042
Yeah, I'll have six bottles
of Chateau Latour '45,
1207
01:21:20,125 --> 01:21:23,212
and a double Jeroboam
of champagne.
'45.
1208
01:21:23,295 --> 01:21:25,798
Bon, and the usual
brown ales?
1209
01:21:25,839 --> 01:21:29,468
Yeah. No, wait a minute.
I think I could only manage
six crates today.
1210
01:21:29,510 --> 01:21:30,552
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
1211
01:21:30,636 --> 01:21:33,764
I hope monsieur
was not overdoing it
last night.
1212
01:21:34,556 --> 01:21:36,517
Shut up!
D'accord.
1213
01:21:36,600 --> 01:21:39,853
The new bucket
and the cleaning woman.
1214
01:21:46,860 --> 01:21:48,821
Is there something wrong
with the food?
1215
01:21:48,862 --> 01:21:50,656
No, the food
was excellent.
1216
01:21:50,697 --> 01:21:52,741
Perhaps you're not happy
with the service?
1217
01:21:52,825 --> 01:21:54,201
(STAMMERING)
No, no complaints.
1218
01:21:54,284 --> 01:21:57,830
It's just that we have to go.
I'm having rather
a heavy period.
1219
01:21:58,997 --> 01:22:01,291
And we have
a train to catch.
1220
01:22:02,167 --> 01:22:05,504
Oh! Yes, of course.
We have a train to catch
1221
01:22:05,546 --> 01:22:08,424
and I don't want to start
bleeding all over the seats.
1222
01:22:09,341 --> 01:22:12,177
Madam?
Perhaps we
should be going?
1223
01:22:13,637 --> 01:22:16,682
Very well, monsieur.
Thank you so much.
1224
01:22:17,182 --> 01:22:18,934
So nice to see you,
1225
01:22:19,017 --> 01:22:21,311
and I hope very much
we will see you again
very soon.
1226
01:22:21,353 --> 01:22:22,354
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
1227
01:22:22,438 --> 01:22:23,772
(BUCKET CLANGING)
1228
01:22:23,856 --> 01:22:27,151
Oh, dear. I have trodden
in monsieur's bucket.
1229
01:22:31,155 --> 01:22:33,240
Another bucket
for monsieur,
1230
01:22:35,367 --> 01:22:37,786
and perhaps a hose.
1231
01:22:40,998 --> 01:22:43,542
Oh, Max. Really!
1232
01:22:45,002 --> 01:22:46,336
(RETCHING)
1233
01:22:51,383 --> 01:22:52,634
(PANTING)
1234
01:22:59,391 --> 01:23:02,227
Finally, monsieur,
a wafer-thin mint.
1235
01:23:02,311 --> 01:23:03,312
(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
1236
01:23:03,395 --> 01:23:06,356
Oh, sir, it's only a tiny,
little thin one.
1237
01:23:06,732 --> 01:23:09,401
No, fuck off. I'm full.
Oh, sir.
1238
01:23:12,070 --> 01:23:13,947
It's only wafer-thin.
1239
01:23:14,198 --> 01:23:19,119
Look, I couldn't
eat another thing.
I'm absolutely stuffed.
1240
01:23:19,203 --> 01:23:23,290
Bugger off.
Oh, sir, just, just one.
1241
01:23:26,418 --> 01:23:30,088
All right, just one.
Just the one, monsieur.
1242
01:23:31,882 --> 01:23:33,759
Voila.
1243
01:23:37,763 --> 01:23:39,640
Bon appetit.
1244
01:24:03,080 --> 01:24:04,456
(EXPLODING)
1245
01:24:05,123 --> 01:24:07,251
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
1246
01:24:17,052 --> 01:24:18,595
(PEOPLE COUGHING)
1247
01:24:18,637 --> 01:24:20,138
(MAN RETCHING)
1248
01:24:21,139 --> 01:24:24,309
Thank you, monsieur,
and now, here's your check.
1249
01:24:24,518 --> 01:24:26,144
(PEOPLE GAGGING)
1250
01:24:38,365 --> 01:24:43,161
NARRATOR:
The Meaning of Life, part 6B.
The meaning of life.
1251
01:24:57,884 --> 01:25:01,096
You know, Maria,
I sometimes wonder
1252
01:25:01,179 --> 01:25:05,017
if we'll ever discover
the meaning of it all,
1253
01:25:05,392 --> 01:25:07,603
working in a place like this.
1254
01:25:08,061 --> 01:25:12,065
Well, I've worked
in worse places,
philosophically speaking.
1255
01:25:12,149 --> 01:25:14,109
Really, Maria?
Yes.
1256
01:25:15,319 --> 01:25:18,405
I used to work
in the Academie Française,
1257
01:25:18,488 --> 01:25:20,907
but it didn't do me
any good at all.
1258
01:25:20,991 --> 01:25:25,912
I once worked in the library
in the Prado in Madrid,
1259
01:25:26,246 --> 01:25:29,207
but it didn't
teach me nothin',
I recall,
1260
01:25:30,000 --> 01:25:34,713
and the Library of Congress
you'd have thought
would hold some key,
1261
01:25:35,047 --> 01:25:38,925
but it didn't,
and neither did
the Bodleian Library.
1262
01:25:39,718 --> 01:25:43,722
In the British Museum,
I hoped to find some clue.
1263
01:25:44,264 --> 01:25:48,977
I worked there
from 9:00 till 6:00,
read every volume through,
1264
01:25:49,561 --> 01:25:53,690
but it didn't teach me
nothing about
life's mystery.
1265
01:25:54,024 --> 01:25:58,362
I just kept getting older,
and it got more
difficult to see.
1266
01:25:58,862 --> 01:26:03,158
Till eventually,
me eyes went
and me arthritis got bad.
1267
01:26:03,742 --> 01:26:06,578
So now,
I'm cleaning up in here.
1268
01:26:07,954 --> 01:26:10,457
But I can't
be really sad,
1269
01:26:10,540 --> 01:26:14,252
'cause you see,
I feel that life's a game.
1270
01:26:14,294 --> 01:26:17,422
You sometimes win or lose,
1271
01:26:17,464 --> 01:26:20,008
and though I may
be down right now,
1272
01:26:20,384 --> 01:26:23,011
at least I don't
work for Jews.
1273
01:26:27,808 --> 01:26:29,768
I'm so sorry.
1274
01:26:29,935 --> 01:26:33,730
I had no idea
we had a racist
working here.
1275
01:26:33,772 --> 01:26:36,858
(STAMMERING)
I apologize most sincerely.
1276
01:26:37,109 --> 01:26:38,443
I mean...
1277
01:26:39,486 --> 01:26:41,697
Where are you going?
No, I can explain...
1278
01:26:47,285 --> 01:26:48,912
As for me...
1279
01:26:49,496 --> 01:26:53,166
If you want to know
what I think,
I'll show you something.
1280
01:26:55,460 --> 01:26:58,630
Come with me.
WAITER: I was saying that...
1281
01:26:59,840 --> 01:27:01,174
Hello?
Come on.
1282
01:27:02,718 --> 01:27:03,885
WAITER: Hello?
1283
01:27:05,929 --> 01:27:08,306
Hello!
This way.
1284
01:27:13,603 --> 01:27:15,480
Come on.
Don't be shy.
1285
01:27:16,481 --> 01:27:18,442
Mind the stairs,
all right?
1286
01:27:22,988 --> 01:27:25,157
I think this
will help explain.
1287
01:27:32,664 --> 01:27:34,583
Come along.
Come along.
1288
01:27:37,711 --> 01:27:39,629
Over here.
1289
01:27:50,182 --> 01:27:51,725
Come on.
Come on.
1290
01:27:53,685 --> 01:27:55,353
(TIRES SCREECHING)
1291
01:27:55,520 --> 01:27:56,646
(HORNS BLARING)
1292
01:27:56,688 --> 01:27:57,981
This way.
1293
01:28:01,902 --> 01:28:03,153
Come on.
1294
01:28:07,157 --> 01:28:08,408
This way.
1295
01:28:10,577 --> 01:28:12,037
Stay by me.
1296
01:28:15,373 --> 01:28:17,000
Nearly there now.
1297
01:28:17,876 --> 01:28:19,377
(CROWS CAWING)
1298
01:28:26,968 --> 01:28:28,428
You see that?
1299
01:28:31,097 --> 01:28:33,058
That's where I was born.
1300
01:28:35,101 --> 01:28:39,105
You know, one day, my mother,
1301
01:28:39,189 --> 01:28:41,733
she put me on her knee
and she said to me,
1302
01:28:43,068 --> 01:28:45,320
"Gaston, my son,
1303
01:28:45,403 --> 01:28:48,406
"the world
is a beautiful place.
1304
01:28:49,741 --> 01:28:53,078
"You must go into it
and love everyone."
1305
01:28:55,080 --> 01:29:00,627
"Try to make everyone happy
and bring peace
and contentment,
1306
01:29:00,710 --> 01:29:02,420
"everywhere you go."
1307
01:29:04,256 --> 01:29:06,216
So I became a waiter.
1308
01:29:15,100 --> 01:29:18,770
Well, it's not much
of a philosophy, I know.
1309
01:29:20,689 --> 01:29:23,567
Well, fuck you.
1310
01:29:23,775 --> 01:29:26,361
I can live my own life
in my own way if I want to.
1311
01:29:27,946 --> 01:29:29,030
Fuck off.
1312
01:29:31,366 --> 01:29:33,201
Don't come following me.
1313
01:29:40,917 --> 01:29:44,963
NARRATOR:
The Meaning of Life,
part seven. Death.
1314
01:29:47,924 --> 01:29:49,551
(SEAGULLS CAWING)
1315
01:30:10,322 --> 01:30:12,490
NARRATOR:
This man is about to die.
1316
01:30:12,657 --> 01:30:15,577
In a few moments now,
he will be killed,
1317
01:30:15,660 --> 01:30:18,288
for Arthur Jarrett
is a convicted criminal,
1318
01:30:18,330 --> 01:30:22,250
who has been allowed
to choose the manner
of his own execution.
1319
01:30:26,254 --> 01:30:28,173
There he is.
1320
01:30:28,673 --> 01:30:30,216
(WOMEN PANTING)
1321
01:30:42,520 --> 01:30:47,108
Arthur Charles Herbert
Runcie MacAdam Jarrett,
1322
01:30:48,193 --> 01:30:51,780
you have been convicted
by 12 good persons,
and true,
1323
01:30:52,072 --> 01:30:56,910
of the crime of first degree
making of gratuitous
sexist jokes,
1324
01:30:57,202 --> 01:30:59,037
in a moving picture.
1325
01:31:23,395 --> 01:31:25,105
(ARTHUR SCREAMING)
1326
01:31:36,408 --> 01:31:39,577
Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.
1327
01:31:40,745 --> 01:31:42,455
(LEAF SOBBING)
1328
01:31:43,665 --> 01:31:45,208
LEAF: (SOBBING)
It's no good.
1329
01:31:45,250 --> 01:31:48,920
(STAMMERING)
I just can't go on.
I'm no good anymore.
1330
01:31:50,088 --> 01:31:52,507
I want to end it all!
1331
01:31:53,258 --> 01:31:55,593
(WIND BLOWING)
Goodbye! Goodbye!
1332
01:31:55,677 --> 01:31:57,012
(SCREAMING)
1333
01:32:03,101 --> 01:32:05,603
FEMALE LEAF:
Oh, my God!
1334
01:32:06,438 --> 01:32:08,440
(SOBBING)
Oh, no! I...
1335
01:32:09,190 --> 01:32:13,486
What'll I do?
I can't live without him!
I...
1336
01:32:14,696 --> 01:32:16,031
(SCREAMING)
1337
01:32:18,575 --> 01:32:20,660
BOY LEAF: Mummy!
GIRL LEAF:
Mum, where are you?
1338
01:32:20,827 --> 01:32:23,621
(GIRL LEAF GASPING)
Daddy? Mummy?
1339
01:32:23,663 --> 01:32:25,623
GIRL LEAF: Mummy?
1340
01:32:25,832 --> 01:32:27,459
(BOTH SCREAMING)
1341
01:32:32,547 --> 01:32:34,299
(ALL SCREAMING)
1342
01:32:35,091 --> 01:32:36,509
(DOG BARKING)
1343
01:32:41,765 --> 01:32:44,559
(BELL TOLLING)
1344
01:32:49,189 --> 01:32:50,732
(WIND HOWLING)
1345
01:33:31,773 --> 01:33:32,816
Yes?
1346
01:33:34,818 --> 01:33:36,361
Is it about the hedge?
1347
01:33:39,197 --> 01:33:43,118
Well, I'm awfully
sorry, but...
I am the Grim Reaper.
1348
01:33:43,201 --> 01:33:45,829
Who?
The Grim Reaper.
1349
01:33:45,870 --> 01:33:49,249
Yes, I see.
I am Death.
1350
01:33:50,458 --> 01:33:51,459
Yes, well, the thing is,
1351
01:33:51,543 --> 01:33:53,670
we've got some
people from America
for dinner tonight...
1352
01:33:53,711 --> 01:33:56,089
WOMAN: Who is it, darling?
It's a Mr. Death or something.
1353
01:33:56,172 --> 01:33:59,467
He's come about the reaping?
I don't think we need
any at the moment.
1354
01:33:59,551 --> 01:34:03,054
Hello. Don't leave him
hanging around outside,
darling. Ask him in.
1355
01:34:03,138 --> 01:34:04,389
I don't think
it's quite the moment.
1356
01:34:04,472 --> 01:34:05,682
Do come in.
Come along.
1357
01:34:05,723 --> 01:34:08,143
Come and have a drink.
Do. Come on.
1358
01:34:08,852 --> 01:34:10,228
(CHATTERING)
1359
01:34:11,896 --> 01:34:14,482
It's one of the little men
from the village.
1360
01:34:14,816 --> 01:34:16,860
Do come in.
Please.
1361
01:34:17,819 --> 01:34:20,572
This is Howard Katzenberg
from Philadelphia.
1362
01:34:20,613 --> 01:34:22,615
Hi.
And his wife, Debbie.
1363
01:34:22,699 --> 01:34:23,992
Hello, there.
1364
01:34:24,284 --> 01:34:27,537
And these are
the Portland Smythes,
Jeremy and Fiona.
1365
01:34:27,662 --> 01:34:30,540
Good evening.
This is Mr. Death.
1366
01:34:37,839 --> 01:34:40,675
Do get Mr. Death
a drink, darling.
MAN: Yes.
1367
01:34:41,676 --> 01:34:43,887
Mr. Death is a reaper.
1368
01:34:44,095 --> 01:34:47,265
The Grim Reaper.
1369
01:34:47,599 --> 01:34:49,893
Hardly surprising
in this weather.
1370
01:34:52,437 --> 01:34:54,981
So you still
reap around here,
do you, Mr. Death?
1371
01:34:55,064 --> 01:34:59,611
I am the Grim Reaper.
1372
01:35:00,361 --> 01:35:01,946
That's about all he says.
1373
01:35:02,113 --> 01:35:04,616
There's your drink, Mr. Death.
Do sit down.
1374
01:35:04,824 --> 01:35:08,036
We were just talking about
some of the awful problems
facing the Third...
1375
01:35:08,119 --> 01:35:09,787
(GLASS SHATTERING)
1376
01:35:12,790 --> 01:35:16,836
Would you prefer white?
I'm afraid we don't
have any beer.
1377
01:35:16,920 --> 01:35:18,421
The Stilton's
awfully good.
1378
01:35:19,297 --> 01:35:25,261
I am not of this world.
1379
01:35:27,680 --> 01:35:29,224
Good Lord.
1380
01:35:29,432 --> 01:35:32,310
I am Death.
1381
01:35:36,731 --> 01:35:37,857
Well, isn't that
extraordinary?
1382
01:35:37,941 --> 01:35:40,318
We were just talking
about death
only five minutes ago.
1383
01:35:40,401 --> 01:35:44,155
Yes, we were.
You know, whether death
is really the end...
1384
01:35:44,280 --> 01:35:47,492
As my husband Howard here
feels, or whether there is,
1385
01:35:47,533 --> 01:35:50,828
and one so hates to use words
like soul or spirit...
1386
01:35:50,870 --> 01:35:52,830
What other words
can one use?
Exactly.
1387
01:35:52,872 --> 01:35:56,501
You do not understand.
1388
01:35:58,044 --> 01:36:00,380
No. Obviously not.
1389
01:36:00,630 --> 01:36:03,716
I'll tell you something,
Mr. Death...
You don't...
1390
01:36:03,800 --> 01:36:06,177
Just one moment.
I'd like to express on behalf
of everybody here,
1391
01:36:06,219 --> 01:36:08,388
what a really unique
experience this is.
1392
01:36:08,471 --> 01:36:10,306
JEREMY: Hear, hear.
Yes, we're so delighted
1393
01:36:10,348 --> 01:36:11,891
that you dropped in,
Mr. Death.
1394
01:36:11,975 --> 01:36:14,644
Can I just finish, please?
DEBBIE: Mr. Death.
1395
01:36:15,520 --> 01:36:17,522
Is there an afterlife?
1396
01:36:18,231 --> 01:36:19,941
Dear, if you could
just wait, please...
1397
01:36:20,024 --> 01:36:21,734
Are you sure
you wouldn't like
some sherry or...
1398
01:36:21,818 --> 01:36:23,861
Angela, I'd like
to say this, please.
1399
01:36:23,945 --> 01:36:25,071
Be quiet!
1400
01:36:25,154 --> 01:36:26,614
Can I just say this
at this time, please?
1401
01:36:26,698 --> 01:36:31,160
Silence!
I have come for you.
1402
01:36:33,538 --> 01:36:35,206
You mean to...
1403
01:36:35,248 --> 01:36:38,501
Take you away.
1404
01:36:39,711 --> 01:36:42,755
That is my purpose.
1405
01:36:44,632 --> 01:36:47,844
I am Death.
1406
01:36:50,388 --> 01:36:53,224
Well, that's cast
rather a gloom
over the evening, hasn't it?
1407
01:36:53,516 --> 01:36:54,851
I don't see it
that way, Geoff.
1408
01:36:55,059 --> 01:36:56,811
Let me tell you what I think
we're dealing with here,
1409
01:36:56,894 --> 01:36:59,731
a potentially positive
learning experience
that can...
1410
01:36:59,814 --> 01:37:02,734
Shut up!
Shut up, you American.
1411
01:37:02,817 --> 01:37:05,820
You always talk,
you Americans.
1412
01:37:05,987 --> 01:37:09,073
You talk and you talk
and you say,
1413
01:37:09,115 --> 01:37:14,078
"Let me tell you something"
and "I just wanna say this."
1414
01:37:14,120 --> 01:37:17,790
Well, you're dead now,
so shut up!
1415
01:37:17,999 --> 01:37:20,543
Dead?
Dead.
1416
01:37:22,587 --> 01:37:25,882
All of us?
All of you.
1417
01:37:28,134 --> 01:37:29,260
Now look here.
1418
01:37:29,302 --> 01:37:31,929
You barge in here
quite uninvited,
break glasses,
1419
01:37:32,013 --> 01:37:34,474
and then announce
quite casually
that we're all dead.
1420
01:37:34,557 --> 01:37:38,102
Well, I would remind you
that you're a guest
in this house...
1421
01:37:38,186 --> 01:37:43,566
Be quiet! Englishmen!
You're all so fucking pompous!
1422
01:37:44,025 --> 01:37:46,944
None of you
have got any balls.
1423
01:37:48,029 --> 01:37:50,782
Can I ask you a question?
What?
1424
01:37:51,574 --> 01:37:54,452
How can we all have died
at the same time?
1425
01:38:07,256 --> 01:38:09,675
The salmon mousse.
1426
01:38:10,968 --> 01:38:14,013
Darling, you didn't use
canned salmon, did you?
1427
01:38:14,305 --> 01:38:17,475
I'm most dreadfully
embarrassed.
1428
01:38:18,059 --> 01:38:21,479
Now the time has come.
1429
01:38:22,897 --> 01:38:27,402
Follow. Follow me.
1430
01:38:41,666 --> 01:38:44,335
Just testing. Sorry.
1431
01:38:46,003 --> 01:38:49,382
Follow me. Now.
1432
01:38:56,180 --> 01:38:57,515
Come.
1433
01:39:01,269 --> 01:39:04,063
The fishmonger promised me
he'd have some fresh salmon.
1434
01:39:04,147 --> 01:39:06,315
He's normally so reliable.
1435
01:39:06,357 --> 01:39:09,152
Can we take our glasses?
Good idea.
1436
01:39:09,277 --> 01:39:11,195
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
1437
01:39:12,697 --> 01:39:15,283
Hey, I didn't even
eat the mousse.
1438
01:39:20,663 --> 01:39:23,166
ANGELA: Honestly, darling,
I'm so embarrassed.
1439
01:39:23,207 --> 01:39:26,711
It really is embarrassing.
I mean, to serve salmon
with botulism
1440
01:39:26,794 --> 01:39:28,713
at a dinner party
is social death.
1441
01:39:29,130 --> 01:39:30,756
(ALL CHATTERING)
1442
01:39:31,215 --> 01:39:33,885
Shall we take our cars?
Why not?
1443
01:39:33,968 --> 01:39:36,804
Good idea.
Why not?
1444
01:39:37,722 --> 01:39:39,390
(ENGINE STARTING)
1445
01:40:12,256 --> 01:40:15,760
Behold Paradise.
1446
01:40:17,887 --> 01:40:21,766
I love it here, darling.
Me, too, Marvin.
1447
01:40:22,141 --> 01:40:24,685
Hello. Welcome to heaven.
1448
01:40:25,228 --> 01:40:26,771
(ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING)
1449
01:40:34,237 --> 01:40:36,447
Excuse me.
Could you just sign here,
please, sir?
1450
01:40:37,865 --> 01:40:38,866
Thank you.
1451
01:40:38,950 --> 01:40:40,952
There's a table for you
through there,
in the restaurant.
1452
01:40:40,993 --> 01:40:41,994
Thank you.
1453
01:40:42,119 --> 01:40:45,623
For the ladies.
Afterlife mints.
1454
01:40:45,665 --> 01:40:47,458
Thank you.
Happy Christmas.
1455
01:40:47,708 --> 01:40:49,168
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Oh, is it Christmas today?
1456
01:40:49,252 --> 01:40:50,586
Of course, madam.
1457
01:40:50,628 --> 01:40:52,630
It's Christmas every day
in heaven.
1458
01:40:52,672 --> 01:40:55,466
Oh! How 'bout that?
Lovely.
1459
01:41:02,390 --> 01:41:04,016
(PEOPLE GREETING)
1460
01:41:14,318 --> 01:41:15,695
(DRUM BEAT)
1461
01:41:15,778 --> 01:41:16,821
(ALL MURMURING)
1462
01:41:16,862 --> 01:41:18,531
(PEOPLE SHUSHING)
1463
01:41:40,678 --> 01:41:42,597
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
1464
01:41:42,680 --> 01:41:47,101
It's truly
a real honorable experience
to be here this evening,
1465
01:41:47,184 --> 01:41:49,770
a very wonderful and warm
1466
01:41:49,854 --> 01:41:52,231
and emotional moment
for all of us.
1467
01:41:52,940 --> 01:41:55,026
And I'd like to
sing a song,
1468
01:41:55,067 --> 01:41:57,987
for all of you.
1469
01:42:02,366 --> 01:42:08,873
(SINGING)
It's Christmas in heaven
All the children sing
1470
01:42:09,790 --> 01:42:12,668
It's Christmas in heaven
1471
01:42:12,960 --> 01:42:17,006
Hark, hark,
those church bells ring
1472
01:42:17,048 --> 01:42:20,217
It's Christmas in heaven
1473
01:42:20,509 --> 01:42:24,013
The snow falls from the sky
1474
01:42:24,055 --> 01:42:27,558
But it's nice and warm
and everyone
1475
01:42:27,642 --> 01:42:30,978
Looks smart and wears a tie
1476
01:42:36,901 --> 01:42:40,363
It's Christmas in heaven
1477
01:42:40,404 --> 01:42:43,491
There's great films on TV
1478
01:42:44,075 --> 01:42:47,620
The Sound of Music
twice an hour
1479
01:42:47,703 --> 01:42:50,956
And Jaws I, II and III
1480
01:42:51,415 --> 01:42:55,086
There's gifts
for all the family
1481
01:42:55,169 --> 01:42:58,756
There's toiletries
and trains
1482
01:42:58,839 --> 01:43:02,426
THREE KINGS: (SINGING)
There's Sony Walkman
headphone sets
1483
01:43:02,468 --> 01:43:05,680
And the latest video games
1484
01:43:06,013 --> 01:43:08,974
It's Christmas
It's Christmas in heaven
1485
01:43:10,393 --> 01:43:12,770
Hip, hip, hip, hip
hip hooray
1486
01:43:12,937 --> 01:43:15,898
Every single day
1487
01:43:16,440 --> 01:43:18,943
Is Christmas Day
1488
01:43:20,695 --> 01:43:23,447
It's Christmas
It's Christmas in heaven
1489
01:43:24,865 --> 01:43:27,451
Hip, hip, hip, hip
hip hooray
1490
01:43:27,535 --> 01:43:32,373
Every single day is...
1491
01:43:35,167 --> 01:43:36,252
Well, that's the end
of the film.
1492
01:43:36,293 --> 01:43:37,670
Now here's
the meaning of life.
1493
01:43:40,131 --> 01:43:41,298
Thank you, Brigitte.
1494
01:43:43,467 --> 01:43:45,136
(CLEARING THROAT)
1495
01:43:46,595 --> 01:43:47,847
Well, it's nothing
very special.
1496
01:43:48,055 --> 01:43:49,932
"Try and be nice to people.
Avoid eating fat.
1497
01:43:49,974 --> 01:43:52,351
"Read a good book
every now and then.
Get some walking in,
1498
01:43:52,435 --> 01:43:54,061
"and try and live together
in peace and harmony
1499
01:43:54,145 --> 01:43:55,813
"with people of all creeds
and nations."
1500
01:43:56,480 --> 01:43:59,442
And finally, here are
some completely gratuitous
pictures of penises,
1501
01:43:59,483 --> 01:44:02,278
to annoy the censors
and to hopefully spark
some sort of controversy,
1502
01:44:02,319 --> 01:44:05,865
which is the only way
these days to get
the jaded video-sated public
1503
01:44:05,948 --> 01:44:08,492
off their fucking arses
and back
in the sodding cinema.
1504
01:44:08,534 --> 01:44:11,495
Family entertainment?
Bollocks.
What they want is filth.
1505
01:44:11,704 --> 01:44:12,830
People doing things
to each other
1506
01:44:12,913 --> 01:44:14,832
with chainsaws
during Tupperware parties,
1507
01:44:14,874 --> 01:44:18,294
baby-sitters being stabbed
with knitting needles by
gay presidential candidates,
1508
01:44:18,335 --> 01:44:20,296
vigilante groups
strangling chickens,
1509
01:44:20,337 --> 01:44:23,048
armed bands of theater critics
exterminating mutant goats.
1510
01:44:23,132 --> 01:44:26,177
Where's the fun in pictures?
Oh, well, there we are.
1511
01:44:26,260 --> 01:44:28,554
Here's the theme music.
Good night.
1512
01:44:41,942 --> 01:44:46,447
(SINGING) Just remember that
you're standing on a planet
1513
01:44:46,530 --> 01:44:50,701
That's evolving and revolving
at 900 miles an hour
1514
01:44:51,786 --> 01:44:55,748
It's orbiting at 19 miles
a second, so it's reckoned
1515
01:44:55,831 --> 01:44:58,876
A sun that is the source
of all our power
1516
01:44:59,752 --> 01:45:03,547
The sun and you and me
and all the stars
that we can see
1517
01:45:03,672 --> 01:45:06,884
Are moving
at a million miles a day
1518
01:45:07,676 --> 01:45:11,639
In an outer spiral arm
at 40,000 miles an hour
1519
01:45:11,722 --> 01:45:14,558
Of the galaxy
we call the Milky Way
1520
01:45:23,609 --> 01:45:27,571
Our galaxy itself contains
a hundred billion stars
1521
01:45:27,613 --> 01:45:30,825
It's a hundred thousand
light years side to side
1522
01:45:31,617 --> 01:45:34,954
It bulges in the middle
16,000 light years thick
1523
01:45:35,037 --> 01:45:38,666
But out by us, it's just
3,000 light years wide
1524
01:45:39,542 --> 01:45:43,128
We're 30,000 light years
from galactic central point
1525
01:45:43,212 --> 01:45:46,215
We go round every
200 million years
1526
01:45:47,299 --> 01:45:50,928
And our galaxy is only
one of millions of billions
1527
01:45:50,970 --> 01:45:54,181
In this amazing
and expanding universe
1528
01:46:26,672 --> 01:46:31,093
The universe itself keeps on
expanding and expanding
1529
01:46:31,176 --> 01:46:34,305
In all of the directions
it can whizz
1530
01:46:35,180 --> 01:46:39,018
As fast as it can go
at the speed of light,
you know
1531
01:46:39,143 --> 01:46:42,646
Twelve million miles a minute
and that's the fastest speed
there is
1532
01:46:42,730 --> 01:46:46,901
So remember when
you're feeling very small
and insecure
1533
01:46:46,984 --> 01:46:50,154
How amazingly unlikely
is your birth
1534
01:46:51,238 --> 01:46:54,491
And pray that
there's intelligent life
somewhere up in space
1535
01:46:54,575 --> 01:46:57,453
'Cause there's bugger all
down here on Earth