1 00:01:03,365 --> 00:01:06,654 Hello. Testing, testing, testing... 2 00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:21,037 Daddy, Daddy... 3 00:01:36,045 --> 00:01:38,765 This is cassette one, track one. 4 00:01:38,885 --> 00:01:40,683 10th of July 1983. 5 00:01:41,965 --> 00:01:43,718 Have we begun yet? 6 00:01:43,845 --> 00:01:46,679 Disembodied voices... 22nd February. 7 00:01:46,805 --> 00:01:49,274 Speaking out of nowhere... 1984. 8 00:01:49,405 --> 00:01:51,124 Disappearing into nowhere. 9 00:01:53,965 --> 00:01:56,560 Thank you very much for the tape. 10 00:01:56,685 --> 00:02:00,123 Everything drifting away. Waterlogged, immobile. 11 00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:02,362 Hello and welcome to... 12 00:02:04,565 --> 00:02:07,285 A religious crisis... Down, down... 13 00:02:07,405 --> 00:02:09,476 Can't we just go back? 14 00:02:25,005 --> 00:02:27,042 It's a long time ago, isn't it? 15 00:02:27,165 --> 00:02:28,281 Hmm... 16 00:02:33,045 --> 00:02:35,640 How difficult it is to remember the detail... 17 00:02:44,125 --> 00:02:46,321 Let's think... 18 00:02:48,405 --> 00:02:52,674 We were married on the 1st November '79. 19 00:02:54,325 --> 00:02:56,237 Well, you were driving, of course. 20 00:02:56,365 --> 00:02:59,358 Well, you certainly weren't driving! 21 00:02:59,485 --> 00:03:01,158 We took off down to... 22 00:03:01,285 --> 00:03:04,722 - We got to Chichester. - Oh, that was it... Was it? 23 00:03:04,845 --> 00:03:08,600 - Where was our honeymoon? - The southern edge of the... 24 00:03:08,725 --> 00:03:11,877 - What was it called? - Began with a C, Cirencester. 25 00:03:12,005 --> 00:03:14,520 Ah! That was it, Cirencester. 26 00:03:14,645 --> 00:03:16,364 That's a long way... 27 00:03:24,365 --> 00:03:25,924 That ghastly B&B! 28 00:03:26,045 --> 00:03:28,640 Was quite the worst place we've ever stayed in. 29 00:03:28,765 --> 00:03:30,916 I don't remember it being so bad. 30 00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:33,924 - The bed was covered in dust! - Yeah. 31 00:03:34,045 --> 00:03:36,480 - I'm sure there were bedbugs. - Well. 32 00:03:58,805 --> 00:04:01,240 Do you remember the way the tide came in? 33 00:04:03,765 --> 00:04:05,404 Right up the main street. 34 00:04:34,205 --> 00:04:37,243 It took the form of a... dark, 35 00:04:37,365 --> 00:04:38,845 black disc... 36 00:04:42,445 --> 00:04:46,883 which slowly progressed across the field of vision. 37 00:04:50,605 --> 00:04:52,562 Went very quickly. 38 00:04:55,665 --> 00:04:59,954 The doctor said that the eye was so badly traumatised 39 00:05:00,085 --> 00:05:02,998 from previous surgery... 40 00:05:06,165 --> 00:05:10,045 "All we'll be able to do is to preserve a little bit of sight." 41 00:05:13,365 --> 00:05:15,641 Of course, you never believe that. 42 00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:19,604 You keep on hoping. 43 00:05:26,365 --> 00:05:28,925 That was the final eye operation. 44 00:05:29,045 --> 00:05:30,274 Yes. 45 00:05:40,365 --> 00:05:44,075 You were just out of hospital when Tom was born. 46 00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:48,201 He's smiling. 47 00:05:51,925 --> 00:05:53,678 He's smiling at you. 48 00:06:30,765 --> 00:06:33,599 I still had that little bit of vision. 49 00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:45,796 I would see a flicker of a shadow across the window 50 00:06:45,925 --> 00:06:48,156 as you moved across it. 51 00:06:48,285 --> 00:06:50,641 Yeah. 52 00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:56,917 If I stood underneath the central light in the room, 53 00:06:57,045 --> 00:06:59,560 I could tell if it was on or off. 54 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,315 The stars had gone, the moon had gone. 55 00:07:09,365 --> 00:07:12,324 I must still be able to see the sun, mustn't I? 56 00:07:14,925 --> 00:07:17,360 They didn't think it would last long. 57 00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:23,278 Here we are again. 58 00:07:23,405 --> 00:07:27,194 Another part of Imogen Hull's tape. 59 00:07:27,325 --> 00:07:30,124 Er, side two. Now, then... 60 00:07:30,245 --> 00:07:31,759 Imogen... 61 00:07:34,165 --> 00:07:35,724 She was thrilled, you know, 62 00:07:35,845 --> 00:07:38,724 as an older sister, having a little brother. 63 00:07:41,885 --> 00:07:44,798 I don't think she realised what was going on. 64 00:07:49,565 --> 00:07:52,683 The little drop of the Father 65 00:07:52,805 --> 00:07:54,876 on thy little beloved forehead. 66 00:07:58,765 --> 00:08:00,836 The little drop of the Son 67 00:08:01,805 --> 00:08:04,001 on your forehead, beloved one. 68 00:08:06,125 --> 00:08:10,596 A little drop of the Spirit on your forehead, beloved one. 69 00:08:12,205 --> 00:08:15,755 There was nobody much around in the university. 70 00:08:28,045 --> 00:08:30,355 I could hear one of my friends saying... 71 00:08:31,925 --> 00:08:35,043 "You know that John Hull's going completely blind?" 72 00:08:39,805 --> 00:08:42,081 Stopping and hearing that. 73 00:08:42,205 --> 00:08:43,400 Ah! 74 00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:51,358 Thoughts just came tumbling into my mind. 75 00:08:54,645 --> 00:08:56,955 What about my reading? My research? 76 00:08:58,685 --> 00:09:01,245 What about my teaching? 77 00:09:01,365 --> 00:09:02,845 How am I going to teach? 78 00:09:02,965 --> 00:09:05,799 How am I going to lecture? Without any notes! 79 00:09:08,725 --> 00:09:11,479 I went up to my office and sat there. 80 00:09:12,805 --> 00:09:15,525 The students will be here in about five weeks. 81 00:09:18,165 --> 00:09:19,804 Now... 82 00:09:21,445 --> 00:09:23,264 How am I going to do this? 83 00:09:25,485 --> 00:09:28,956 A social worker told me about all the things they could offer. 84 00:09:29,085 --> 00:09:32,476 Mmm. Your first white cane. 85 00:09:34,325 --> 00:09:37,921 There were special holiday homes for blind people. 86 00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:39,923 Maybe I'd like to have a dog and... 87 00:09:40,045 --> 00:09:43,038 And she said, "You need a mobility course." 88 00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:46,158 But I said, "No, I'm not doing that." 89 00:09:46,285 --> 00:09:48,083 I haven't got time! 90 00:09:49,445 --> 00:09:52,438 Most people would have made the time. 91 00:09:52,605 --> 00:09:55,598 I was just too busy keeping up with everything. 92 00:09:56,605 --> 00:09:58,915 Well, you were also stubborn. 93 00:10:03,525 --> 00:10:06,359 You were, sort of, in furious denial. 94 00:10:11,325 --> 00:10:16,161 The only thing I was interested in was how to function as a blind academic. 95 00:10:16,285 --> 00:10:17,605 That, nobody knew. 96 00:10:17,725 --> 00:10:19,205 We've got... 97 00:10:19,325 --> 00:10:20,805 The Long Surrender. 98 00:10:20,925 --> 00:10:23,156 Autumn Conquest. 99 00:10:23,285 --> 00:10:27,245 I needed to have serious books recorded sensibly. 100 00:10:28,285 --> 00:10:32,518 Uh... What about anthropology and sociology? 101 00:10:33,565 --> 00:10:36,717 All that was basically available in the United Kingdom 102 00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:39,565 was detective novels and romantic fiction. 103 00:10:41,565 --> 00:10:45,445 Well, I'm interested in reading contemporary social sciences. 104 00:10:47,165 --> 00:10:50,880 No, look, how do blind people read big books? 105 00:10:51,965 --> 00:10:53,957 They said, "They don't." 106 00:10:57,485 --> 00:11:01,237 Anyway, um, I'll sort it out, so thanks for your advice. 107 00:11:01,365 --> 00:11:02,799 They don't. 108 00:11:06,245 --> 00:11:07,964 That was it. 109 00:11:12,845 --> 00:11:14,598 Now, I didn't buy that. 110 00:11:20,525 --> 00:11:22,676 I had a tape recorder, of course. 111 00:11:25,165 --> 00:11:26,565 I had cassettes. 112 00:11:29,325 --> 00:11:31,123 Is that the microphone? Yes. 113 00:11:32,285 --> 00:11:33,639 Is it on? 114 00:11:36,925 --> 00:11:39,121 That makes a difference, doesn't it? 115 00:11:41,365 --> 00:11:43,322 Testing, testing, testing... 116 00:11:44,405 --> 00:11:46,158 Today is Tuesday 117 00:11:46,285 --> 00:11:49,642 and I'm wondering if this machine will record or not. 118 00:11:52,725 --> 00:11:55,160 Testing, testing... 119 00:11:55,285 --> 00:11:56,765 Today is Tuesday 120 00:11:56,885 --> 00:12:01,001 and I'm wondering if this machine will record or not. 121 00:12:07,165 --> 00:12:10,317 The first thing I did was build up a team of people 122 00:12:10,445 --> 00:12:12,516 to record books for me. 123 00:12:14,445 --> 00:12:16,835 How did you get that going? 124 00:12:16,965 --> 00:12:19,400 I can't quite remember, 125 00:12:19,525 --> 00:12:21,960 but it became an absolute business! 126 00:12:23,245 --> 00:12:26,079 I had up to 30 of them working for me at one stage. 127 00:12:27,405 --> 00:12:29,840 The books would come back on cassettes. 128 00:12:31,165 --> 00:12:33,202 Hundred of cassettes. 129 00:12:34,405 --> 00:12:35,885 Hundreds! 130 00:12:37,765 --> 00:12:39,996 Yeah, that was transformative. 131 00:12:44,365 --> 00:12:46,800 Down on this level. One... 132 00:12:48,085 --> 00:12:49,599 Two... 133 00:12:49,725 --> 00:12:50,761 Three... 134 00:12:50,885 --> 00:12:54,037 I spent, I suppose, the next two or three years 135 00:12:54,165 --> 00:12:56,361 learning all of those little tricks. 136 00:13:00,085 --> 00:13:02,839 With ingenuity and a little bit of help, 137 00:13:02,965 --> 00:13:05,685 there were problems that could be solved. 138 00:13:05,805 --> 00:13:09,321 Meaning is an operation with intentionality... 139 00:13:11,725 --> 00:13:15,321 The truth is that although it was, in a way, so devastating, 140 00:13:15,445 --> 00:13:17,084 I did enjoy it. 141 00:13:19,365 --> 00:13:21,721 I was entirely occupied. 142 00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:29,519 It wasn't until the final, 143 00:13:29,645 --> 00:13:32,035 tiny bit of light sensation 144 00:13:32,165 --> 00:13:34,361 slowly disappeared 145 00:13:34,485 --> 00:13:36,875 that my mood changed. 146 00:13:48,325 --> 00:13:51,397 Remember that day in Shrewsbury 147 00:13:51,525 --> 00:13:53,278 when I caught a glimpse of a... 148 00:13:54,645 --> 00:13:57,001 - Of a church spire? - Yeah. 149 00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:03,924 I think that's the last thing you ever saw. 150 00:14:08,445 --> 00:14:10,516 That's probably true. 151 00:15:17,605 --> 00:15:18,721 Dad? 152 00:15:22,325 --> 00:15:23,759 Hey? 153 00:15:25,565 --> 00:15:26,999 I had a dream. 154 00:15:28,365 --> 00:15:29,799 You had a dream? 155 00:15:30,605 --> 00:15:33,957 I had a dream what I got some dinner, 156 00:15:34,085 --> 00:15:38,762 but it didn't have at all very much nice stuff in it 157 00:15:38,885 --> 00:15:40,604 and I lost it again. 158 00:15:42,005 --> 00:15:43,598 Wow... 159 00:15:44,765 --> 00:15:48,202 - Was that the end? - And you were in it. 160 00:15:48,325 --> 00:15:50,860 He's telling me about a dream he had. 161 00:15:55,965 --> 00:15:57,285 Now... 162 00:15:57,405 --> 00:16:00,364 it will be cloudy, um, throughout the evening. 163 00:16:00,485 --> 00:16:01,805 Er... 164 00:16:01,925 --> 00:16:06,197 and a big patch of wind on the, um, satellite picture 165 00:16:06,325 --> 00:16:08,396 just coming over and lots of... 166 00:16:18,525 --> 00:16:19,800 What now? 167 00:16:21,045 --> 00:16:22,845 What next? 168 00:16:27,725 --> 00:16:30,081 I'd learnt how to lecture without notes. 169 00:16:32,485 --> 00:16:35,603 Learnt how to recognise the students by their voices. 170 00:16:38,005 --> 00:16:41,521 The cassettes were pouring in faster than I could read them. 171 00:16:42,565 --> 00:16:44,318 All of that was done. 172 00:16:49,645 --> 00:16:53,155 It was at that point I realised 173 00:16:55,205 --> 00:16:57,356 that I had to think about blindness 174 00:17:00,285 --> 00:17:03,164 because if I didn't understand it 175 00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:08,118 it would defeat me. 176 00:17:37,965 --> 00:17:40,799 This is cassette one, track one. 177 00:17:45,005 --> 00:17:47,236 Notes on Blindness 178 00:17:47,365 --> 00:17:52,156 and this is the 21st of June, 179 00:17:52,285 --> 00:17:54,163 1983. 180 00:18:08,325 --> 00:18:11,523 After nearly three years of blindness, 181 00:18:11,645 --> 00:18:15,036 I find that the pictures 182 00:18:15,165 --> 00:18:19,555 in the gallery of my mind have dimmed somewhat. 183 00:18:20,845 --> 00:18:23,679 People and places I know and love so well. 184 00:18:25,565 --> 00:18:29,605 Memories of my early life spent in Australia. 185 00:18:34,365 --> 00:18:37,403 So I found with great distress 186 00:18:37,525 --> 00:18:41,883 that I could no longer remember easily what my wife looked like. 187 00:18:43,885 --> 00:18:47,003 Or what my daughter, Imogen, looked like. 188 00:18:50,645 --> 00:18:54,002 I found that memories of photographs 189 00:18:54,125 --> 00:18:56,959 were more easily recaptured. 190 00:19:04,445 --> 00:19:06,596 In the case of my daughter, Imogen, 191 00:19:06,725 --> 00:19:09,923 I have a wide range of visual memories of her. 192 00:19:20,205 --> 00:19:22,765 Of Thomas, now nearly three, 193 00:19:22,885 --> 00:19:24,956 I have a few very vague impressions 194 00:19:25,085 --> 00:19:28,203 based upon the first six or nine months of his life 195 00:19:28,325 --> 00:19:30,715 before I lost sight altogether. 196 00:19:36,645 --> 00:19:38,921 And of Elizabeth, 197 00:19:39,045 --> 00:19:42,356 I have no visual memories at all and never have had. 198 00:19:54,925 --> 00:19:56,518 Just a minute. 199 00:20:00,645 --> 00:20:02,841 I am concerned 200 00:20:04,525 --> 00:20:06,437 to understand blindness, 201 00:20:08,925 --> 00:20:10,757 to seek its meaning, 202 00:20:13,525 --> 00:20:17,041 to retain the fullness of my humanity. 203 00:20:31,925 --> 00:20:35,919 We need to know what kind of necessity is it. 204 00:20:36,045 --> 00:20:38,844 Is it a psychological necessity? 205 00:20:38,965 --> 00:20:40,479 Is it logical? 206 00:20:40,605 --> 00:20:42,995 Is it a historical necessity? 207 00:20:48,725 --> 00:20:50,478 A note on smiles. 208 00:20:52,045 --> 00:20:55,561 Nearly every time I smile, I'm conscious of smiling. 209 00:20:56,925 --> 00:20:59,645 I mean, I'm conscious of the movement. 210 00:20:59,765 --> 00:21:02,644 Even, one might say, the effort of smiling. 211 00:21:05,085 --> 00:21:08,761 I think the reason is that there is no returning smile. 212 00:21:10,365 --> 00:21:13,358 One never gets anything for one's own smiles. 213 00:21:15,325 --> 00:21:17,442 One is sending off dead letters. 214 00:21:19,125 --> 00:21:22,357 Consequently, I can feel myself stopping smiling. 215 00:21:25,165 --> 00:21:27,077 Or I think I can. 216 00:21:27,205 --> 00:21:31,597 I must ask someone close to me whether this is true or not. 217 00:21:52,725 --> 00:21:55,797 A note on Thomas' awareness of my blindness. 218 00:22:02,125 --> 00:22:05,323 He sadly wandered off into the mountains, 219 00:22:05,445 --> 00:22:08,961 knowing that he could never look into the beautiful eyes 220 00:22:09,085 --> 00:22:10,758 of Rapunzel again. 221 00:22:10,885 --> 00:22:14,162 Thomas asked me, "Why was he blind?" 222 00:22:16,325 --> 00:22:18,635 "Because his eyes were poorly." 223 00:22:20,965 --> 00:22:22,285 "My eyes are poorly." 224 00:22:25,485 --> 00:22:29,081 He said to me in a very serious and probing voice... 225 00:22:30,725 --> 00:22:32,284 "Are you blind?" 226 00:22:33,965 --> 00:22:35,399 "Yes, I am." 227 00:22:36,485 --> 00:22:38,238 "Your eyes are closed." 228 00:22:39,565 --> 00:22:42,876 "Yes, but even when I open my eyes, I still can't see." 229 00:22:44,445 --> 00:22:46,482 "Can't you see the pictures?" 230 00:22:46,605 --> 00:22:49,120 "I can see the pictures." 231 00:22:49,245 --> 00:22:50,964 "Your eyes aren't poorly." 232 00:22:52,925 --> 00:22:55,963 I put my hand over his eyes and held his eyes closed. 233 00:22:57,805 --> 00:22:59,762 "Now can you see?" I said. 234 00:22:59,885 --> 00:23:02,036 He said, "No." 235 00:23:02,165 --> 00:23:03,281 "Now?" 236 00:23:03,405 --> 00:23:05,124 "Yes, I can see now." 237 00:23:05,245 --> 00:23:06,998 "Yes, my eyes aren't poorly." 238 00:23:09,125 --> 00:23:12,436 I am reminded of being in Wales with Imogen, 239 00:23:12,565 --> 00:23:14,602 when she said to me... 240 00:23:16,005 --> 00:23:17,883 "Daddy, 241 00:23:18,005 --> 00:23:20,725 "if I cried and my tears fell on your eyes, 242 00:23:20,845 --> 00:23:22,962 "would you be able to see again?" 243 00:23:24,845 --> 00:23:27,917 This thought she had got, I'm sure, from Rapunzel. 244 00:23:28,045 --> 00:23:31,322 And they lived happily ever after. 245 00:23:42,325 --> 00:23:45,238 Cassette two, track one. 246 00:23:45,365 --> 00:23:48,437 A strange experience with a faith healer. 247 00:23:51,205 --> 00:23:52,878 On Thursday evening, 248 00:23:53,005 --> 00:23:56,282 we stopped at the Indian restaurant in Bristol Street. 249 00:23:56,405 --> 00:24:00,365 Isn't this a wonderful example of what it's like to be a parent? 250 00:24:00,485 --> 00:24:04,274 I hope everything is to your satisfaction. 251 00:24:04,405 --> 00:24:05,839 May I? 252 00:24:05,965 --> 00:24:09,800 I took him to be a waiter who worked in the restaurant. 253 00:24:10,805 --> 00:24:13,798 He asked me if I was completely blind, 254 00:24:15,645 --> 00:24:17,921 how long I had been blind, 255 00:24:18,045 --> 00:24:20,605 the cause of my blindness was. 256 00:24:20,725 --> 00:24:24,517 Well, um, in one way or another, I suppose, 257 00:24:24,645 --> 00:24:28,559 I've been fighting against blindness most of my life. 258 00:24:29,525 --> 00:24:31,084 Please, go on... 259 00:24:31,205 --> 00:24:32,958 Er... 260 00:24:33,085 --> 00:24:34,599 when I was a child, 261 00:24:34,725 --> 00:24:37,718 I lost my sight for the first time. 262 00:24:37,845 --> 00:24:40,360 I've had all sorts of operations 263 00:24:40,485 --> 00:24:43,717 and gradually sight simply faded away. 264 00:24:45,805 --> 00:24:47,000 Why do you ask? 265 00:24:47,125 --> 00:24:49,276 And now you see nothing? 266 00:24:50,565 --> 00:24:51,760 Nothing. 267 00:24:51,885 --> 00:24:53,638 I don't see anything now. 268 00:24:53,765 --> 00:24:56,405 And, yet, you still wear glasses? 269 00:24:58,125 --> 00:25:00,162 Silly, really, isn't it? 270 00:25:00,285 --> 00:25:03,084 I'd feel rather undressed without my glasses. 271 00:25:05,285 --> 00:25:09,279 Tell me, do you still hope that you will see again? 272 00:25:09,405 --> 00:25:11,795 No, I don't hold out hope. 273 00:25:11,925 --> 00:25:14,724 The doctors have told me it's quite impossible. 274 00:25:16,165 --> 00:25:17,838 And you believe them? 275 00:25:19,605 --> 00:25:24,634 He told me about some of the marvellous cures he'd done, even cancer. 276 00:25:24,765 --> 00:25:27,519 My sight is dependent on my will 277 00:25:27,645 --> 00:25:31,958 and he, through hypnotherapy, could help to restore my will. 278 00:25:33,605 --> 00:25:35,119 I see. 279 00:25:36,325 --> 00:25:39,443 Could you restore a leg lost in a traffic accident? 280 00:25:40,525 --> 00:25:43,165 You have no eyes? Are they gone? 281 00:25:49,725 --> 00:25:51,921 It's just a mass of jelly. 282 00:25:54,525 --> 00:25:56,721 Willpower cannot restore it. 283 00:25:59,805 --> 00:26:01,762 He was speechless! 284 00:26:01,885 --> 00:26:04,161 He was absolutely speechless! 285 00:26:04,285 --> 00:26:07,039 But, John, do you think it's got to the point 286 00:26:07,165 --> 00:26:10,283 where you don't really want to get your sight back? 287 00:26:10,405 --> 00:26:12,522 What makes you say that? 288 00:26:12,645 --> 00:26:15,035 Well, you always seem to be so happy. 289 00:26:15,165 --> 00:26:17,441 You seem to be functioning so well. 290 00:26:20,365 --> 00:26:21,799 Oh, Liz. 291 00:26:22,765 --> 00:26:24,882 If only you knew half the truth. 292 00:26:26,645 --> 00:26:28,682 Of course I want my sight back. 293 00:26:30,085 --> 00:26:31,724 I will never accept 294 00:26:33,125 --> 00:26:35,037 the human losses of blindness. 295 00:26:56,565 --> 00:27:00,957 Every time I wake up, I lose my sight. 296 00:27:06,645 --> 00:27:09,638 Last night, I dreamt that my sight improved. 297 00:27:12,685 --> 00:27:16,759 I had the most intense picture of Thomas 298 00:27:16,885 --> 00:27:19,764 as a cuddly, little boy. 299 00:27:21,845 --> 00:27:26,083 In my dream I said to myself, "There you are, you see. 300 00:27:26,205 --> 00:27:29,915 "In good light, you can still manage fairly well." 301 00:27:38,125 --> 00:27:42,085 My waking reflection is that my dreaming life 302 00:27:42,205 --> 00:27:43,958 is still denying the reality. 303 00:27:47,965 --> 00:27:50,525 ...heavy swell breaking onto the rocks. 304 00:27:50,645 --> 00:27:54,681 Five were swept into the sea, three from one group, and two from another. 305 00:27:54,805 --> 00:27:58,560 Sennen and Penlee lifeboats were called to search as dusk gathered. 306 00:27:58,685 --> 00:28:02,838 The Royal Navy helicopter from Culdrose flew back and forth across the sea. 307 00:28:10,765 --> 00:28:12,836 That's page 104. 308 00:28:12,965 --> 00:28:16,356 My comments... this text is an interesting example in the Bible 309 00:28:16,485 --> 00:28:19,444 of the limitations of a theology of vision. 310 00:28:21,925 --> 00:28:23,962 Give us an H. 311 00:28:24,085 --> 00:28:25,439 Give us an A. 312 00:28:25,565 --> 00:28:26,999 Give us a P. 313 00:28:27,125 --> 00:28:28,605 Give us another P. 314 00:28:28,725 --> 00:28:30,125 Give us a Y... 315 00:28:30,245 --> 00:28:32,314 Happy Xmas! 316 00:28:32,645 --> 00:28:34,723 Because now it's party time! 317 00:28:40,245 --> 00:28:41,599 Immy! 318 00:28:42,765 --> 00:28:44,784 Come here for a minute! 319 00:28:47,845 --> 00:28:50,917 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, look what I found! 320 00:28:51,045 --> 00:28:52,843 Another one of these. 321 00:28:54,045 --> 00:28:56,276 What's this, Tom? 322 00:28:56,405 --> 00:28:57,885 Oh, I know what this is. 323 00:28:58,005 --> 00:28:59,280 What? 324 00:28:59,405 --> 00:29:01,874 When you hold it in the light, 325 00:29:02,005 --> 00:29:05,760 you can see all the colours really brightly. It's beautiful, look. 326 00:29:05,885 --> 00:29:07,399 Oh, that's nice! 327 00:29:09,605 --> 00:29:13,679 What I remember about you most vividly in those years 328 00:29:13,805 --> 00:29:15,922 was your amazing practicality. 329 00:29:17,165 --> 00:29:19,600 You never expressed regrets. 330 00:29:19,725 --> 00:29:23,883 You just got on with the next thing, step by step. 331 00:29:25,685 --> 00:29:29,395 The way you did that, I always thought was quite incredible. 332 00:29:31,405 --> 00:29:34,557 Dedicated To The One I Love by The Mamas & The Papas 333 00:29:34,685 --> 00:29:37,644 # While I'm far away from you, my baby. # 334 00:29:37,765 --> 00:29:41,441 Would you take Imagine by John Lennon? An obvious choice. 335 00:29:41,565 --> 00:29:44,319 No. Dylan, you'd surely want to take Dylan? 336 00:29:44,445 --> 00:29:48,405 Well, I know, but there one is completely stuck. 337 00:29:48,525 --> 00:29:50,994 I know what you'd take and what we'd both take! 338 00:29:51,125 --> 00:29:53,276 - What? - Jacqueline Du Pre 339 00:29:53,405 --> 00:29:56,443 - playing Elgar's Cello... whatsit? - Yes! 340 00:29:56,565 --> 00:29:59,444 - There you are. - I think we've got one. 341 00:30:01,685 --> 00:30:07,522 # Each night before you go to bed, my baby 342 00:30:08,525 --> 00:30:14,442 # Whisper a little prayer for me, my baby 343 00:30:15,365 --> 00:30:21,157 # And tell all the stars above 344 00:30:22,045 --> 00:30:24,560 # This is dedicated to the one I... 345 00:30:24,685 --> 00:30:25,685 # Love... 346 00:30:25,805 --> 00:30:31,517 # Can never be exactly like we want it to be 347 00:30:31,645 --> 00:30:38,231 # Love can never be exactly like we want it to be... # 348 00:30:38,365 --> 00:30:41,199 # Love can never be... # 349 00:31:30,965 --> 00:31:34,276 A huge wave crashed down, separating us all. 350 00:31:37,805 --> 00:31:42,755 There was a debris of floating merchandise and dead bodies. 351 00:31:44,885 --> 00:31:49,004 I searched for them everywhere in despair and found nothing. 352 00:31:53,125 --> 00:31:56,482 It was hopeless, they'd simply disappeared. 353 00:32:21,445 --> 00:32:23,880 Somebody had reminded me 354 00:32:24,005 --> 00:32:26,964 that part of the human brain 355 00:32:27,085 --> 00:32:29,759 specialises in the reception 356 00:32:29,885 --> 00:32:33,117 and processing of visual material. 357 00:32:37,765 --> 00:32:41,759 Now I would like to know what happens to that part of the brain 358 00:32:41,885 --> 00:32:44,445 when optic stimulation ceases. 359 00:32:48,685 --> 00:32:52,361 Could this perhaps account for the sense of suffering 360 00:32:52,485 --> 00:32:55,398 I have experienced over the past year or two? 361 00:32:59,765 --> 00:33:04,999 The feeling I am describing is a sense of hunger, of aridity. 362 00:33:09,845 --> 00:33:14,840 A feeling that one's brain longs for optic stimulation, 363 00:33:14,965 --> 00:33:17,799 as the body longs for food. 364 00:33:22,685 --> 00:33:26,804 The brain itself thirsts for that to which it is accustomed. 365 00:33:33,325 --> 00:33:35,840 Part of my brain is dying. 366 00:33:43,325 --> 00:33:45,635 Say Merry Christmas to Mummy. 367 00:33:45,765 --> 00:33:47,916 Merry Christmas, Mummy! 368 00:33:48,045 --> 00:33:52,597 Merry Christmas, sweetheart. Let's have a Christmas kiss. 369 00:33:52,725 --> 00:33:55,957 What's that? My word! 370 00:33:56,085 --> 00:33:58,122 What is it, Tom? 371 00:34:00,365 --> 00:34:02,038 What is this? 372 00:34:02,165 --> 00:34:05,715 - A mouth organ. - Good Lord! 373 00:34:05,845 --> 00:34:08,883 That particular Christmas was the worst. 374 00:34:09,005 --> 00:34:12,999 - Dad, look at these. - What is it? 375 00:34:13,125 --> 00:34:14,125 What is it? 376 00:34:14,245 --> 00:34:17,682 I don't know. I think it's probably bubble bath. 377 00:34:17,805 --> 00:34:20,479 Father Christmas must have smelt you 378 00:34:20,605 --> 00:34:22,995 all the way from the North Pole. 379 00:34:24,125 --> 00:34:26,003 I was stuck. 380 00:34:27,645 --> 00:34:29,876 You know, I couldn't get up and leave. 381 00:34:31,365 --> 00:34:33,482 How could I walk out on Christmas Day? 382 00:34:34,725 --> 00:34:36,876 - No... - You know? 383 00:34:37,005 --> 00:34:39,201 But I couldn't stay, either. 384 00:34:39,325 --> 00:34:42,443 Wait for me. How do I look in these? 385 00:34:42,565 --> 00:34:46,400 You look terrific! Did Father Christmas leave those? 386 00:34:46,525 --> 00:34:48,482 - Are they comfy? - Yeah. 387 00:34:48,605 --> 00:34:50,244 Are they warm? 388 00:34:50,365 --> 00:34:52,834 - Yeah. - Are they? 389 00:34:52,965 --> 00:34:55,639 What colour are they? 390 00:34:55,765 --> 00:34:58,075 Ever so nice, aren't they? 391 00:34:58,205 --> 00:35:00,083 Are they a good fit? 392 00:35:00,205 --> 00:35:03,277 Special winter slippers. 393 00:35:03,405 --> 00:35:05,556 Go and look at yourself in the mirror. 394 00:35:20,205 --> 00:35:22,674 That was when you came up to me and said, 395 00:35:22,805 --> 00:35:25,877 "You look dreadful. Why don't you go into the office?" 396 00:35:28,565 --> 00:35:31,125 Just go to work. 397 00:35:31,245 --> 00:35:33,476 Just go. 398 00:36:07,365 --> 00:36:10,802 I had a desperate feeling of being enclosed. 399 00:36:11,965 --> 00:36:14,560 Having to get out. I must get out. 400 00:36:19,485 --> 00:36:21,920 I had only gone about a hundred yards 401 00:36:22,045 --> 00:36:27,200 when I was aware of a growing feeling of doubt and uncertainty. 402 00:36:32,245 --> 00:36:34,680 I was intensely aware of the fact 403 00:36:34,805 --> 00:36:37,036 that I was going through nothing. 404 00:36:39,365 --> 00:36:41,641 Through an intensely cold nothing. 405 00:36:43,165 --> 00:36:45,122 Of going nowhere. 406 00:36:46,325 --> 00:36:48,123 Of being entirely alone. 407 00:36:55,885 --> 00:36:59,037 I turned around and walked back to the house. 408 00:37:01,765 --> 00:37:03,802 Away In A Manger 409 00:37:14,405 --> 00:37:16,715 I felt as if I was banging my head, 410 00:37:16,845 --> 00:37:19,644 my whole body, against the wall of blindness. 411 00:37:22,485 --> 00:37:25,159 A desperate need to break through this curtain, 412 00:37:25,285 --> 00:37:28,323 this veil which was surrounding me, 413 00:37:28,445 --> 00:37:31,756 to come out into the world of light out there. 414 00:37:42,885 --> 00:37:45,320 How could this happen to me? 415 00:37:47,285 --> 00:37:49,561 Who could ask me to go through this? 416 00:37:51,765 --> 00:37:56,360 Who had the right to deprive me of the sight of my children at Christmas time? 417 00:38:02,685 --> 00:38:05,803 The image that often haunted me 418 00:38:05,925 --> 00:38:08,645 during the early days of my blindness 419 00:38:08,765 --> 00:38:11,234 came back to me with such force. 420 00:38:12,645 --> 00:38:16,434 I was in a little coal truck in a mineshaft, 421 00:38:16,565 --> 00:38:19,763 being trundled deeper and deeper into the mine. 422 00:38:23,285 --> 00:38:25,436 Were we just out of control? 423 00:38:25,565 --> 00:38:28,034 Was there nobody in a position to stop it? 424 00:38:28,165 --> 00:38:30,077 Would it just go on and on? 425 00:38:30,205 --> 00:38:33,039 I had to get out, I had to jump out, I had to run back. 426 00:38:33,165 --> 00:38:34,565 But, no, 427 00:38:34,685 --> 00:38:38,759 it remorselessly carried me in deeper and deeper and deeper. 428 00:39:04,725 --> 00:39:08,685 I think this idea of you going away into another world 429 00:39:08,805 --> 00:39:11,240 where I couldn't be was... 430 00:39:11,365 --> 00:39:13,243 That was awful, that was... 431 00:39:21,965 --> 00:39:25,720 Shall I scratch my eyes out? Shall I come with you into this world? 432 00:39:30,325 --> 00:39:34,604 I somehow feel that if I were to accept this thing 433 00:39:34,725 --> 00:39:38,162 if I were to enter into acquiescence, 434 00:39:38,285 --> 00:39:40,083 then I would die... 435 00:39:43,965 --> 00:39:47,276 because it would be as if my ability to resist, 436 00:39:47,405 --> 00:39:49,801 my will to resist, were broken. 437 00:39:56,885 --> 00:40:01,676 On the other hand, not to accept seems futile, 438 00:40:01,805 --> 00:40:05,435 because what one is refusing to accept 439 00:40:05,565 --> 00:40:07,204 is a fact. 440 00:40:12,645 --> 00:40:15,717 And now what I have to face is 441 00:40:17,605 --> 00:40:19,995 the thought that there is no escape. 442 00:40:21,765 --> 00:40:24,280 The thought that I shall now just go on 443 00:40:25,525 --> 00:40:28,836 with another 20, 30 or even more years of this. 444 00:40:54,805 --> 00:40:58,355 One fights back by adopting tiny techniques. 445 00:41:00,885 --> 00:41:02,877 Familiarity, predictability, 446 00:41:03,005 --> 00:41:06,476 the same objects, the same little movements of the hand. 447 00:41:10,165 --> 00:41:13,317 One has to establish some kind of environment, 448 00:41:13,445 --> 00:41:16,438 a study, a room, a route, a passage, 449 00:41:16,565 --> 00:41:19,763 over which one can establish some kind of territory. 450 00:41:25,205 --> 00:41:29,317 I am not particularly conscious of being blind while I'm at work. 451 00:41:30,485 --> 00:41:33,842 When I'm at work, all my students have to come into my world 452 00:41:33,965 --> 00:41:36,241 of ideas and concepts and language. 453 00:41:37,005 --> 00:41:41,397 OK, let's start with the very oldest or most ancient of these. 454 00:41:41,525 --> 00:41:44,836 That's the very first conflict, faith. 455 00:41:44,965 --> 00:41:47,844 The essence of the thing is planning, 456 00:41:47,965 --> 00:41:51,639 initiatives, and active participation. 457 00:41:52,245 --> 00:41:55,716 The moment I sink into passivity and irrelevance... 458 00:41:55,845 --> 00:41:58,025 then I'm done for. 459 00:42:00,765 --> 00:42:03,803 Tomorrow it'll be reasonably sunny, 460 00:42:03,925 --> 00:42:07,362 reasonably cold, reasonably hot, reasonably everything. 461 00:42:07,485 --> 00:42:09,716 In fact, I don't know at all! 462 00:42:09,845 --> 00:42:11,962 And that is the end of the news. 463 00:42:12,085 --> 00:42:13,883 Dong! Dong! Dong! 464 00:42:38,525 --> 00:42:42,814 A note on the experience of hearing rain falling. 465 00:42:47,445 --> 00:42:51,758 This evening, I came out the front door of the house and it was raining. 466 00:42:55,765 --> 00:42:59,042 I stood for a few minutes, lost in the beauty of it. 467 00:43:01,765 --> 00:43:04,837 Rain brings out the contours 468 00:43:04,965 --> 00:43:07,480 of what's around you... 469 00:43:09,485 --> 00:43:13,365 in that it introduces a blanket 470 00:43:13,485 --> 00:43:17,877 of differentiated and specialised sound... 471 00:43:20,285 --> 00:43:23,596 which fills the whole of the audible environment. 472 00:43:49,405 --> 00:43:53,558 If only there could be something equivalent to rain falling inside. 473 00:43:56,525 --> 00:44:01,316 Then the whole of a room would take on shape and dimension... 474 00:44:05,765 --> 00:44:08,997 instead of being isolated, cut off, 475 00:44:09,125 --> 00:44:11,765 pre-occupied internally. 476 00:44:13,125 --> 00:44:15,162 You're presented with a world. 477 00:44:18,765 --> 00:44:21,678 You are related to a world. 478 00:44:21,805 --> 00:44:24,081 You are addressed by a world. 479 00:44:30,645 --> 00:44:34,798 Why should this experience strike one as being beautiful? 480 00:44:37,085 --> 00:44:38,997 Cognition is beautiful. 481 00:44:40,045 --> 00:44:42,082 It is beautiful to know. 482 00:44:50,885 --> 00:44:54,640 Well, I must thank you again for your tape, 483 00:44:54,765 --> 00:44:56,484 from all of you. 484 00:44:56,605 --> 00:45:00,719 From you, Thomas, and Lizzie, and Imogen, too. 485 00:45:00,845 --> 00:45:04,122 How are you getting along? We'd love to see you sometime. 486 00:45:05,165 --> 00:45:07,999 We don't realise how the time passes. 487 00:45:09,365 --> 00:45:11,038 Anyhow, thank you again. 488 00:45:11,165 --> 00:45:14,636 I hope you'll have the time to come out here to see us. 489 00:45:20,805 --> 00:45:23,240 Hello, Grandpa and Grandma, 490 00:45:23,365 --> 00:45:26,142 I hope you're fine, cos we're having a wonderful time here. 491 00:45:26,265 --> 00:45:29,644 Do send love to all the other relatives in Australia. 492 00:45:32,525 --> 00:45:35,677 Now, it's time for the morning concert. 493 00:45:38,525 --> 00:45:43,442 # Sparkle, evening star, I see you there 494 00:45:44,745 --> 00:45:49,795 # High above our land, you sit and stare 495 00:45:50,725 --> 00:45:53,399 # Star bright 496 00:45:53,525 --> 00:45:56,040 # Gleaming white 497 00:45:56,205 --> 00:46:02,202 # I wonder if you hear my song tonight. # 498 00:46:05,045 --> 00:46:06,161 Beautiful. 499 00:46:06,285 --> 00:46:09,164 That was good, Immy, worked quite well. 500 00:46:12,845 --> 00:46:15,644 I've got one of them! 501 00:46:15,765 --> 00:46:17,279 Beautiful. 502 00:46:17,405 --> 00:46:20,682 That was good, Immy, worked quite well. 503 00:46:23,685 --> 00:46:25,244 Well, Mum and Dad, 504 00:46:25,365 --> 00:46:29,279 I hope you enjoy that as an authentic bit of children's production! 505 00:46:31,205 --> 00:46:33,436 I should perhaps also add 506 00:46:33,565 --> 00:46:36,160 we will not be able to come to Australia... 507 00:46:38,525 --> 00:46:42,804 because I do feel that the lack of mobility and of activity 508 00:46:44,525 --> 00:46:47,563 would be difficult for me to put up with. 509 00:46:53,765 --> 00:46:55,802 I'm sure you'll understand that. 510 00:47:01,245 --> 00:47:03,123 Mummy! 511 00:47:04,965 --> 00:47:07,764 Well, I must stop now and get this off to you. 512 00:47:07,885 --> 00:47:10,719 Lots of love to all of you, from all of us. Bye now. 513 00:47:25,525 --> 00:47:27,596 Read on. 514 00:47:28,885 --> 00:47:31,081 "The grass and the plants 515 00:47:31,205 --> 00:47:33,436 "and it was..." 516 00:47:33,565 --> 00:47:36,034 What does that little sign mean? 517 00:47:36,165 --> 00:47:38,396 Do it again on my hand. 518 00:47:38,525 --> 00:47:39,845 It's going... 519 00:47:41,005 --> 00:47:42,075 with a... 520 00:47:42,205 --> 00:47:43,798 Like this? 521 00:47:44,965 --> 00:47:46,240 Yeah. 522 00:47:47,405 --> 00:47:48,680 It's a comma. 523 00:47:48,805 --> 00:47:51,365 - What does that mean? - A pause. 524 00:47:51,485 --> 00:47:54,080 - Oh. - Where does it have it? 525 00:47:55,685 --> 00:47:58,120 One night, putting Thomas to bed, 526 00:47:58,245 --> 00:48:00,919 I had a long and detailed discussion with him 527 00:48:01,045 --> 00:48:02,764 about my blindness. 528 00:48:04,085 --> 00:48:06,361 "Will you always be blind?" he said. 529 00:48:07,485 --> 00:48:09,238 "Yes, always." 530 00:48:10,645 --> 00:48:12,876 "Couldn't the doctors stop it?" 531 00:48:13,925 --> 00:48:15,917 "The doctors tried." 532 00:48:17,445 --> 00:48:19,562 I explained about the retina, 533 00:48:19,685 --> 00:48:23,474 how it sometimes tears and comes off from the back of the eye. 534 00:48:25,445 --> 00:48:27,437 "What did they say?" 535 00:48:28,445 --> 00:48:32,598 "Well, they just said, "Sorry, Mr Hull, we can't do any more for you."" 536 00:48:35,645 --> 00:48:37,443 "Why doesn't God help you?" 537 00:48:38,965 --> 00:48:42,479 "God does help me, "in lots of ways." 538 00:48:43,725 --> 00:48:45,045 "How?" 539 00:48:46,205 --> 00:48:49,004 "Well, he makes me strong and gives me courage." 540 00:48:50,725 --> 00:48:53,559 "But he doesn't help you to get your eyes back?" 541 00:48:55,965 --> 00:48:58,874 Our, Father Who art in heaven 542 00:48:59,005 --> 00:49:02,605 Hallowed be Thy name Your kingdom come 543 00:49:02,725 --> 00:49:06,516 Thy will be done On earth as it is in heaven. 544 00:49:06,645 --> 00:49:08,841 Give us this day our daily bread. 545 00:49:09,885 --> 00:49:14,118 Yes, there have been times when I have been angry with God. 546 00:49:16,525 --> 00:49:18,835 Unreasonably so, I suppose. 547 00:49:22,725 --> 00:49:25,604 Sometimes one's emotions spill over. 548 00:49:28,445 --> 00:49:30,721 But I don't regard faith as a sort of a... 549 00:49:32,205 --> 00:49:35,994 a shield against the ordinary ups and downs of human life. 550 00:49:39,045 --> 00:49:41,241 Why shouldn't it happen to me? 551 00:49:47,725 --> 00:49:50,081 So now at last we've come to this... 552 00:49:51,565 --> 00:49:53,602 great problem, this question. 553 00:49:56,205 --> 00:49:58,800 The problem of mutual understanding. 554 00:50:00,805 --> 00:50:04,515 How can blind and sighted people truly understand each other? 555 00:50:06,045 --> 00:50:08,560 How can men understand women? 556 00:50:08,685 --> 00:50:12,235 How can the rich understand the poor? 557 00:50:12,365 --> 00:50:15,961 How can the old understand the young? 558 00:50:17,765 --> 00:50:20,439 Can we have insight into other people? 559 00:50:22,285 --> 00:50:27,838 This is the great question upon which the unity of our humanity hangs. 560 00:50:40,445 --> 00:50:44,724 The last two days have been particularly peaceful and happy. 561 00:50:46,725 --> 00:50:49,035 Two long days with Marilyn 562 00:50:49,165 --> 00:50:53,079 and it was one of the best times I've had playing with the children. 563 00:50:53,205 --> 00:50:54,958 Up a tree! 564 00:50:55,085 --> 00:50:56,599 Yes, Thomas, wow! 565 00:50:56,725 --> 00:50:58,637 Don't go falling off, will you? 566 00:50:59,525 --> 00:51:03,439 My health is very much better than it was at Christmas time. 567 00:51:15,645 --> 00:51:18,683 Perhaps blindness won't cut me off, after all. 568 00:51:31,365 --> 00:51:35,996 Was I going to live in reality or live in nostalgia? 569 00:51:39,165 --> 00:51:42,158 Over a period of weeks, months maybe, 570 00:51:42,285 --> 00:51:45,005 the decision hardened in me. 571 00:51:47,005 --> 00:51:49,964 I would not live in nostalgia, 572 00:51:50,085 --> 00:51:52,554 but would live in reality. 573 00:51:54,525 --> 00:51:56,403 And would become blind. 574 00:52:23,365 --> 00:52:25,004 Wow! Look at this. 575 00:52:25,125 --> 00:52:26,923 It's a really long drop. 576 00:52:27,045 --> 00:52:28,684 Yeah. 577 00:52:28,805 --> 00:52:31,479 What's that bit in the middle? Is that... 578 00:52:34,965 --> 00:52:38,037 - Are you all right, darling? - Yeah. 579 00:53:14,885 --> 00:53:18,435 I wanted my parents to know me as a blind person. 580 00:53:21,445 --> 00:53:24,358 I wanted them to somehow recognise me. 581 00:53:25,285 --> 00:53:26,639 And accept me. 582 00:53:29,125 --> 00:53:33,314 Every year we used to go and pick cherry plums and bring them home. 583 00:53:33,445 --> 00:53:36,005 Mother made cherry plum jam by the dozen. 584 00:53:37,485 --> 00:53:40,000 I can remember rows and rows of the jam. 585 00:53:43,845 --> 00:53:47,555 - Say, "Hello, Grandma." - Hello, Grandma. 586 00:53:47,685 --> 00:53:51,440 Of course, they were delighted with the children, 587 00:53:51,565 --> 00:53:53,602 but I think they were shocked. 588 00:53:55,725 --> 00:53:58,240 Absolutely scandalised! 589 00:53:59,285 --> 00:54:01,481 It was like 590 00:54:01,605 --> 00:54:04,677 having to get to know me all over again. 591 00:54:07,845 --> 00:54:10,679 - It's a nice photo, that. - Yes. 592 00:54:12,285 --> 00:54:16,962 Here we have a photo of us all sitting up in this car out in our back yard. 593 00:54:17,085 --> 00:54:18,804 That's right. 594 00:54:21,165 --> 00:54:25,159 Well, how strangely coloured photographs fade. 595 00:54:31,245 --> 00:54:34,955 It's all laid out like a professional poet. 596 00:54:36,485 --> 00:54:38,761 "Poems, to my mother." 597 00:54:38,885 --> 00:54:41,036 Oh, to my mother... 598 00:54:41,165 --> 00:54:43,361 Not to my mother and father. 599 00:54:43,485 --> 00:54:45,954 - Interesting. - To my mother. 600 00:54:49,565 --> 00:54:52,683 I never had a close relationship with my father. 601 00:54:56,205 --> 00:54:59,004 I don't know what he thought of it all. 602 00:55:01,245 --> 00:55:03,840 I walked down to the shops with him. 603 00:55:06,725 --> 00:55:09,115 We went to buy some bread and butter. 604 00:55:10,925 --> 00:55:14,043 It was the first time I'd touched him on that visit... 605 00:55:16,685 --> 00:55:19,245 and I was shocked at how fragile he was. 606 00:55:21,365 --> 00:55:23,800 How slowly he moved along. 607 00:55:28,365 --> 00:55:31,085 And as we went along, 608 00:55:31,205 --> 00:55:34,084 he with his blind son on his elbow, 609 00:55:36,845 --> 00:55:41,044 I wondered what was going on in his mind, but we didn't talk about it. 610 00:55:44,045 --> 00:55:46,162 I wish I had known. 611 00:55:46,285 --> 00:55:48,038 I wish I did know. 612 00:56:13,565 --> 00:56:16,239 # Da-da-da-de-duh! # 613 00:56:18,525 --> 00:56:19,720 Even Grandpa! 614 00:56:19,845 --> 00:56:21,359 Whoo! 615 00:56:22,485 --> 00:56:24,556 Go, Grandpa! 616 00:56:35,325 --> 00:56:37,885 Strange thing, John, wasn't it? 617 00:56:38,005 --> 00:56:40,156 That Dad came from England 618 00:56:40,285 --> 00:56:42,561 and married an Australian girl. 619 00:56:42,685 --> 00:56:45,723 You were born in Australia and married an English girl! 620 00:56:45,845 --> 00:56:48,314 Yes, it is strange. 621 00:56:51,445 --> 00:56:53,641 He's a good father, though. 622 00:56:57,765 --> 00:57:00,200 I remember, she sitting next to me, 623 00:57:00,325 --> 00:57:02,362 cuddling up quite close. 624 00:57:02,485 --> 00:57:05,239 "John," she said, "I have to come up close to you now 625 00:57:05,365 --> 00:57:08,836 "because there's no other way we can get in contact, is there?" 626 00:57:10,085 --> 00:57:13,283 I said, "Yes, Mother, but that's all right." 627 00:57:22,125 --> 00:57:24,799 Dear old Mother, 628 00:57:24,925 --> 00:57:26,723 what's it like for you? 629 00:57:34,725 --> 00:57:36,398 Lizzie?! 630 00:57:42,805 --> 00:57:44,034 Hang on! 631 00:57:55,525 --> 00:57:57,357 It's all right! 632 00:57:59,965 --> 00:58:01,001 Is she hurt? 633 00:58:01,125 --> 00:58:03,560 It was awful, wasn't it? Oh, dear. 634 00:58:03,685 --> 00:58:05,165 What's happened? 635 00:58:05,285 --> 00:58:08,198 She shut her finger in the door. 636 00:58:08,325 --> 00:58:10,999 I remember taking her little hand. 637 00:58:19,285 --> 00:58:21,845 Painful for the child, but no harm done really. 638 00:58:21,965 --> 00:58:23,240 Good girl. 639 00:58:23,365 --> 00:58:26,324 Try to stretch out your fingers a little bit. 640 00:58:26,445 --> 00:58:27,925 It'll be fine, love. 641 00:58:29,165 --> 00:58:31,441 That was a frightening moment. 642 00:58:34,205 --> 00:58:37,835 The discovery that you re useless is not a nice discovery... 643 00:58:39,565 --> 00:58:42,034 for any father to make. 644 00:58:48,965 --> 00:58:51,036 - You all right? - Yeah. 645 00:58:56,925 --> 00:58:58,678 You just look a bit... 646 00:58:59,645 --> 00:59:01,045 Do you want some water? 647 00:59:01,165 --> 00:59:02,838 No, I'm all right. 648 00:59:02,965 --> 00:59:04,604 Good. 649 01:00:13,365 --> 01:00:17,041 - When will it come? - When will what come? 650 01:00:17,165 --> 01:00:18,804 Speaking bit. 651 01:00:18,925 --> 01:00:21,997 It doesn't speak, darling, not like a phone. 652 01:00:22,125 --> 01:00:25,596 - Can't hear you. - Do you know what it is? 653 01:00:25,725 --> 01:00:29,435 A tape recorder. You see that going round inside there? 654 01:00:29,565 --> 01:00:32,319 It's making little records 655 01:00:32,445 --> 01:00:34,835 and your voice and my voice are on it. 656 01:00:34,965 --> 01:00:38,800 - Say, "Hello, hello, hello." - Hello, hello, hello. 657 01:01:31,485 --> 01:01:34,762 I knew that this was the first time I'd seen her. 658 01:01:37,125 --> 01:01:39,685 I stared at her, full of wonder, 659 01:01:41,325 --> 01:01:43,635 taking in every detail of her face. 660 01:01:48,045 --> 01:01:50,844 I thought, "So this is her. 661 01:01:50,965 --> 01:01:52,399 "This is she. 662 01:01:55,565 --> 01:01:58,637 "These are those lovely, luminous brown eyes. 663 01:01:59,805 --> 01:02:02,798 "This is that smile that they all talk about." 664 01:02:13,845 --> 01:02:15,802 Everything went black again. 665 01:02:19,805 --> 01:02:22,003 I was back in consciousness. 666 01:02:24,925 --> 01:02:26,723 And in blindness. 667 01:02:28,205 --> 01:02:30,242 And I realised with a shock 668 01:02:32,165 --> 01:02:34,077 that it had been a dream. 669 01:02:39,575 --> 01:02:43,009 I've got sick of recording this one so I've stopped. 670 01:03:19,885 --> 01:03:21,399 When I was last here, 671 01:03:22,245 --> 01:03:24,635 many of my best remembered places 672 01:03:26,485 --> 01:03:27,885 were already fading. 673 01:03:38,565 --> 01:03:39,885 Somehow... 674 01:03:41,645 --> 01:03:44,638 I expected Melbourne to be there. 675 01:03:49,165 --> 01:03:50,804 That's stupid, isn't it? 676 01:03:55,565 --> 01:03:56,794 Just move in. 677 01:03:57,525 --> 01:03:58,959 Just move in. 678 01:04:03,245 --> 01:04:05,396 You want to take your kids and say, 679 01:04:05,525 --> 01:04:07,960 "This is the beach we used to come to. 680 01:04:13,445 --> 01:04:16,165 "That's the place where we used to play footie. 681 01:04:19,965 --> 01:04:21,604 "This is the school I went to." 682 01:04:26,325 --> 01:04:28,442 But... there was nothing there. 683 01:04:31,605 --> 01:04:33,722 Just people's hands and voices. 684 01:04:36,765 --> 01:04:38,757 Feel of the car on the road. 685 01:04:41,045 --> 01:04:42,638 The wind, of course. 686 01:04:43,605 --> 01:04:46,643 Walking along somewhere, never quite knew where. 687 01:04:49,605 --> 01:04:51,642 That's really all there was. 688 01:04:57,805 --> 01:04:59,603 I didn't somehow expect it. 689 01:05:00,765 --> 01:05:02,518 I didn't anticipate that. 690 01:05:04,125 --> 01:05:05,984 I don't know why. 691 01:05:14,885 --> 01:05:16,524 Tom! 692 01:05:16,645 --> 01:05:18,682 Come along! What are you doing? 693 01:05:32,885 --> 01:05:34,444 The house itself. 694 01:05:39,925 --> 01:05:41,325 What was it like? 695 01:05:50,565 --> 01:05:52,045 Where did I sleep? 696 01:06:02,325 --> 01:06:03,918 I can't remember much. 697 01:06:21,565 --> 01:06:24,319 This is too difficult. 698 01:06:29,245 --> 01:06:30,804 I don't remember. 699 01:06:34,725 --> 01:06:36,045 Isn't that strange? 700 01:06:42,205 --> 01:06:43,924 Oh, I just don't remember. 701 01:06:51,165 --> 01:06:52,963 It was exactly that moment. 702 01:06:55,965 --> 01:06:57,115 A world is lost. 703 01:07:07,245 --> 01:07:11,922 And it wasn't just the Melbourne I knew that was lost. 704 01:07:13,685 --> 01:07:15,483 I myself was lost. 705 01:07:19,525 --> 01:07:22,040 I began to be terribly afraid... 706 01:07:23,365 --> 01:07:27,245 that something would be broken between us which could not be healed... 707 01:07:34,085 --> 01:07:38,364 that you were disappearing into a world where I could not follow. 708 01:07:57,285 --> 01:08:00,039 Everything was just tumbling down. 709 01:08:20,365 --> 01:08:22,880 We knew we wouldn't go back, didn't we? 710 01:08:31,085 --> 01:08:33,520 We will never do this again. 711 01:09:05,525 --> 01:09:09,883 I have returned home with a feeling of immense relief. 712 01:09:13,045 --> 01:09:17,324 To be again in a familiar house, surrounded by familiar objects... 713 01:09:23,445 --> 01:09:25,277 to have in my mind a mental picture 714 01:09:25,405 --> 01:09:29,285 of the environment in the streets and city around me 715 01:09:30,725 --> 01:09:34,321 is like having the world restored to me again. 716 01:09:36,365 --> 01:09:37,594 Three. 717 01:09:40,165 --> 01:09:41,394 Two. 718 01:09:43,445 --> 01:09:44,425 One! 719 01:09:44,525 --> 01:09:46,437 Here I come, ready or not! 720 01:10:03,045 --> 01:10:05,355 Now... Let me see. 721 01:10:05,485 --> 01:10:09,764 Never have I done the washing up with such happiness. 722 01:10:09,885 --> 01:10:12,957 I got up this morning and made Marilyn a cup of tea. 723 01:10:13,085 --> 01:10:14,963 Would he be...? 724 01:10:15,085 --> 01:10:17,042 Feeling so grateful... 725 01:10:17,165 --> 01:10:18,165 No... 726 01:10:18,285 --> 01:10:22,120 ...that I could move freely, that I knew where things were, 727 01:10:22,245 --> 01:10:24,237 that I could act. 728 01:10:24,365 --> 01:10:26,402 Is he behind the curtain? 729 01:10:27,885 --> 01:10:29,365 No, not there, either. 730 01:10:29,485 --> 01:10:33,479 That I was coming out of that shadowland of passivity... 731 01:10:34,165 --> 01:10:35,724 Where could he be? 732 01:10:36,565 --> 01:10:39,956 ...into personal action and life again. 733 01:10:41,645 --> 01:10:43,557 Got you! 734 01:11:12,205 --> 01:11:15,562 September 22nd, 1985. 735 01:11:21,805 --> 01:11:23,956 I love the smell of him. 736 01:11:25,605 --> 01:11:29,485 The way I can slightly sense when he's looking at me now. 737 01:11:32,805 --> 01:11:36,640 I also like feeling his little nose and holding one foot. 738 01:11:39,405 --> 01:11:42,876 I love holding his little hands and putting my own hand 739 01:11:43,005 --> 01:11:45,236 on the warmth of his head. 740 01:11:46,965 --> 01:11:49,878 The feel of him as I have him over my shoulder. 741 01:11:58,205 --> 01:12:00,845 It's 7.00 am and time for Radio 8 742 01:12:00,965 --> 01:12:03,958 and here's your host, Immy Hull! 743 01:12:04,085 --> 01:12:06,042 It will be drizzly today, 744 01:12:06,165 --> 01:12:09,761 with occasional intervals of sun. Later on in the day... 745 01:12:09,885 --> 01:12:14,516 Two or three times this week, I have taken Thomas to school. 746 01:12:14,645 --> 01:12:16,841 Or perhaps I'd say he has taken me. 747 01:12:17,685 --> 01:12:21,964 And he is getting quite good at guiding me, although unreliable. 748 01:12:23,885 --> 01:12:26,164 Right, let's look at you. 749 01:12:26,285 --> 01:12:29,995 We also have a way of saying goodbye 750 01:12:30,125 --> 01:12:32,037 which is the equivalent of waving. 751 01:12:33,045 --> 01:12:36,595 As he runs off through the playground, 752 01:12:36,725 --> 01:12:38,125 he shouts out, "Bye!" 753 01:12:38,245 --> 01:12:39,225 Bye! 754 01:12:39,325 --> 01:12:41,044 And I shout, "Bye!" 755 01:12:41,165 --> 01:12:42,145 Bye! 756 01:12:42,245 --> 01:12:43,225 Bye. 757 01:12:43,325 --> 01:12:45,442 And we keep up this 758 01:12:45,565 --> 01:12:47,955 - echoing chorus... - Bye. 759 01:12:48,085 --> 01:12:50,805 ...until his voice becomes faint. 760 01:12:53,965 --> 01:12:55,365 Bye! 761 01:12:55,485 --> 01:12:57,044 Bye! 762 01:12:58,045 --> 01:12:59,525 I love this. 763 01:13:14,925 --> 01:13:18,919 I had said to myself that I would learn to live with blindness, 764 01:13:19,045 --> 01:13:20,843 but I would never accept it. 765 01:13:27,125 --> 01:13:33,076 Now I find that there's been a strange kind of change in the state of my brain. 766 01:13:39,605 --> 01:13:43,599 It's as if now, being denied stimulus of the outside world, 767 01:13:44,525 --> 01:13:46,915 the thing has turned in upon itself 768 01:13:47,045 --> 01:13:49,357 in order to find inner resources. 769 01:13:57,325 --> 01:13:59,442 Occasionally I go home in the evening 770 01:13:59,565 --> 01:14:02,558 and I feel as if my mind is almost blown 771 01:14:02,685 --> 01:14:05,681 with new ideas and new horizons. 772 01:14:09,125 --> 01:14:12,155 I find myself connecting more, remembering more, 773 01:14:12,285 --> 01:14:13,799 making more links in my mind 774 01:14:14,805 --> 01:14:18,242 between the various things I've read and learned all my life. 775 01:14:21,805 --> 01:14:25,439 I now feel clearer, more excited, 776 01:14:25,565 --> 01:14:28,399 more adventurous, more confident intellectually 777 01:14:28,525 --> 01:14:30,437 than I've ever felt in my life. 778 01:14:40,165 --> 01:14:44,000 There is something so totally purging about blindness 779 01:14:44,125 --> 01:14:47,641 that one either is destroyed or renewed. 780 01:14:52,805 --> 01:14:55,559 Your consciousness is evacuated. 781 01:15:04,765 --> 01:15:07,803 Your past memories, your interests, 782 01:15:08,405 --> 01:15:10,317 your perception of time, 783 01:15:13,205 --> 01:15:14,719 place itself. 784 01:15:16,565 --> 01:15:18,079 The world itself! 785 01:15:26,445 --> 01:15:28,402 One must recreate one's life. 786 01:15:32,925 --> 01:15:34,564 In my case, fortunately, 787 01:15:35,285 --> 01:15:38,915 I had a central core around which to recreate it. 788 01:15:43,405 --> 01:15:45,044 That was my good fortune. 789 01:16:25,045 --> 01:16:26,798 You all right there, John? 790 01:16:27,405 --> 01:16:28,998 Anything I can help you with? 791 01:16:29,125 --> 01:16:31,003 No, I'm fine. 792 01:17:19,885 --> 01:17:22,400 The whole place was just throbbing. 793 01:17:24,645 --> 01:17:27,524 You know, you could feel the pews vibrating with it. 794 01:17:27,645 --> 01:17:28,840 Hmm... 795 01:17:32,485 --> 01:17:35,284 Suddenly, I had the most intense feeling 796 01:17:38,245 --> 01:17:40,362 that God was approaching me. 797 01:17:46,965 --> 01:17:51,437 And I just had this vivid, vivid sense 798 01:17:52,525 --> 01:17:54,084 of the Divine Presence. 799 01:17:59,725 --> 01:18:04,424 Now He'd come sort of swooping in 800 01:18:05,125 --> 01:18:09,244 from some great business He'd been up to, intergalactically. 801 01:18:09,365 --> 01:18:12,278 That's ridiculous, darling! 802 01:18:12,405 --> 01:18:14,840 Well, you know, that's how it seemed. 803 01:18:14,965 --> 01:18:16,877 He'd made a special visit. 804 01:18:23,645 --> 01:18:25,876 And He threw a dark cloak over me. 805 01:18:33,845 --> 01:18:34,845 And then 806 01:18:37,045 --> 01:18:39,799 the most remarkable thing was 807 01:18:41,765 --> 01:18:44,041 that He didn't leave, He couldn't leave. 808 01:18:44,845 --> 01:18:46,564 He was there just waiting. 809 01:18:50,525 --> 01:18:52,517 And I said, "I'll be fine. 810 01:18:53,365 --> 01:18:55,243 "Don't worry about me." 811 01:19:03,045 --> 01:19:05,241 And in that pause, I had a sense 812 01:19:08,405 --> 01:19:09,885 of such grace. 813 01:19:14,485 --> 01:19:18,361 And I thought, "That's it. It's a gift. 814 01:19:20,725 --> 01:19:22,125 "It's not a gift I want. 815 01:19:23,085 --> 01:19:27,001 "It's not a gift I want my children to have, "but it is a gift. 816 01:19:34,125 --> 01:19:35,525 "So the question is 817 01:19:37,285 --> 01:19:38,799 "not, "Why have I got it?" 818 01:19:40,405 --> 01:19:42,442 "but, "What am I going to do with it?""