1 00:00:30,046 --> 00:00:33,675 I'm sorry, Mr Donnelly, 2 00:00:33,806 --> 00:00:37,116 but your wife passed away at 3:00 this morning. 3 00:00:59,166 --> 00:01:01,122 Would you like to see her? 4 00:01:04,446 --> 00:01:07,916 Oh. Yes. Please. Thank you. 5 00:01:11,286 --> 00:01:16,997 Erm, I'd like to stay with you longer, Mr Donnelly, but we're awful busy. 6 00:01:18,526 --> 00:01:21,165 Are you run off your feet, you are? 7 00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:24,760 Two cot deaths and a woman. 8 00:01:24,886 --> 00:01:26,877 Her son shot the poor head off her. 9 00:01:27,006 --> 00:01:30,635 No! Is she alive or is she dead? 10 00:01:30,766 --> 00:01:34,315 Ah, dead, dead. She had no head left on her, like. 11 00:01:37,326 --> 00:01:39,442 I'll leave you to it. 12 00:01:52,686 --> 00:01:55,325 I don't know what to say to you, babe. 13 00:01:58,086 --> 00:02:00,042 I don't know what to say. 14 00:02:06,606 --> 00:02:08,961 I brought you the photo of David. 15 00:02:18,926 --> 00:02:20,882 I don't know what to say. 16 00:02:23,606 --> 00:02:25,836 I don't know where you are now. 17 00:03:19,806 --> 00:03:21,319 Anyone sitting here? 18 00:03:21,446 --> 00:03:24,961 Oh, aye, there's hundreds of fellas, like. Look at them. 19 00:03:26,326 --> 00:03:28,635 -It was a simple question. -It was, aye. 20 00:03:28,766 --> 00:03:32,839 Them are the best type of questions. It's them hard fuckers I can't stand. 21 00:04:03,206 --> 00:04:04,798 (WOMAN SNIFFLING) 22 00:04:13,526 --> 00:04:17,565 You! Here, you! What's the matter with you? 23 00:04:17,686 --> 00:04:22,043 -You seem a bit down in the dumps, like. -Just mind your own business. 24 00:04:22,166 --> 00:04:26,045 Do you hear this one? Sure, I'm only after a bit of a chat, like. 25 00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:29,363 -Chat with someone you know. -I don't know anybody. 26 00:04:29,486 --> 00:04:31,761 I haven't a friend in the world. 27 00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:38,397 He's a bit huffy. 28 00:04:44,686 --> 00:04:48,076 KID: Hey, fella? Why is it you never get tall jockeys? 29 00:04:49,646 --> 00:04:50,601 Huh? 30 00:04:50,726 --> 00:04:55,356 Why is it you never get tall jockeys? They're always sort of midgety sort of fellas. 31 00:04:55,486 --> 00:04:57,875 -The weight. -I know ''the weight''! 32 00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:01,078 Jesus, the weight, eh? The weight. 33 00:05:01,206 --> 00:05:04,596 But what do you do if you're a tall fella and you want to be a jockey? 34 00:05:04,726 --> 00:05:06,762 It isn't fair on you, so it isn't. 35 00:05:06,886 --> 00:05:08,114 Me mam always used tell us 36 00:05:08,246 --> 00:05:10,476 that everybody could grow up to be anything they wanted to be. 37 00:05:10,606 --> 00:05:15,726 Now, in the case of tall fellas who want to be jockeys, that's patently fucking untrue. 38 00:05:15,846 --> 00:05:18,838 -You could show jump. -You could show jump! 39 00:05:18,966 --> 00:05:21,434 You're just clutching at fucking straws now. 40 00:05:21,566 --> 00:05:25,878 You could show jump. Jesus. You could show jump! 41 00:05:29,366 --> 00:05:32,403 Dressage. There's another cunt that gets on me fucking nerves. 42 00:05:32,526 --> 00:05:34,596 Would you mind watching your bloody language? 43 00:05:34,726 --> 00:05:37,524 Eh? This fella... 44 00:05:38,686 --> 00:05:39,755 Jeez. 45 00:05:41,206 --> 00:05:45,245 Well, I'm off to the buffet car to get away from ye dull yokes. 46 00:05:45,366 --> 00:05:49,120 Anybody want anything? Cry Baby? No? Old fella? 47 00:05:49,246 --> 00:05:51,157 -A cup of tea? -A cup of tea, uh-huh. 48 00:05:51,286 --> 00:05:54,756 No, don't get your money out 'cause if you think I can be arsed lugging cups of tea 49 00:05:54,886 --> 00:05:59,004 up and down for you, you've got another think coming, boy. Oh, aye. 50 00:06:02,726 --> 00:06:06,002 -Are you okay? -No, I'm not okay. 51 00:06:09,406 --> 00:06:11,442 Is anything the matter? 52 00:06:11,566 --> 00:06:16,594 -Our son died last night. Cot death. -Yeah. Tell everybody. 53 00:06:19,886 --> 00:06:21,399 I'm sorry. 54 00:06:46,926 --> 00:06:49,599 50p for a bag of Taytos. 55 00:06:49,726 --> 00:06:53,560 I cannot believe the gall of the ginger little bitch. 56 00:06:55,006 --> 00:06:56,917 -Oh, how much do I owe you? -Skip it. 57 00:06:57,046 --> 00:06:59,435 -No, really. -I said, skip it. 58 00:06:59,566 --> 00:07:02,034 Where's the old smiley twins? 59 00:07:04,606 --> 00:07:07,643 -Their son died last night. -Did he? 60 00:07:08,726 --> 00:07:10,205 Oh, my God. 61 00:07:11,926 --> 00:07:13,837 Did they kill it? 62 00:07:13,966 --> 00:07:17,197 -No, they didn't kill it. -Maybe they banged it on something. 63 00:07:17,326 --> 00:07:18,395 It was a cot death. 64 00:07:18,526 --> 00:07:21,199 That's what they all say. I'll bet they banged it on something. 65 00:07:21,326 --> 00:07:24,204 I would if I had a kid. Just keep banging it, like. 66 00:07:24,326 --> 00:07:27,079 On something. If he was getting on me nerves, like. 67 00:07:27,206 --> 00:07:28,958 Like Marvin Gaye's dad. 68 00:07:29,086 --> 00:07:32,362 I'd have shot Marvin Gaye if I'd been Marvin Gaye's dad. 69 00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:34,158 Get the cunt to shut up. 70 00:07:34,286 --> 00:07:37,039 I'm surprised mams and dads don't kill their kids more often. 71 00:07:37,166 --> 00:07:42,286 'Cause most kids are fucking rotten. I certainly am. I'm a fucking rotten kid. 72 00:07:42,406 --> 00:07:44,397 -Have you got kids? -No. 73 00:07:44,526 --> 00:07:46,562 Will you have? In the future, like? 74 00:07:46,686 --> 00:07:48,802 'Cause it doesn't matter how old you are nowadays. 75 00:07:48,926 --> 00:07:52,396 Tony Curtis, he's fucking ancient and he's still having kids. 76 00:07:52,526 --> 00:07:58,078 Not Tony Curtis, who? Rod Steiger. I'm always getting them cunts mixed up. 77 00:07:58,246 --> 00:08:02,159 Rod Steiger, aye. And he's fucking 1 00, like. Ah, sheep. 78 00:08:08,646 --> 00:08:10,841 Did you ever shout at a sheep? 79 00:08:12,006 --> 00:08:13,359 No. 80 00:08:13,486 --> 00:08:14,475 Oh. 81 00:08:17,966 --> 00:08:20,526 Oh, aye, here's Fred and Rosemary. 82 00:08:23,966 --> 00:08:27,322 -Where are you headed? Dublin? -Dublin, aye. 83 00:08:27,446 --> 00:08:29,198 The city that never sweeps. 84 00:08:29,326 --> 00:08:33,239 See, I needed some heroin and a shite accent, so I thought I'd head straight to the source, like. 85 00:08:33,366 --> 00:08:35,038 If you use that language one more time, 86 00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:36,918 I'm going to come over there and beat the shit out of you. 87 00:08:37,046 --> 00:08:39,640 What language? Sure ''shite'' isn't swearing. 88 00:08:39,766 --> 00:08:41,961 -It is. -It's fucking not, like! 89 00:08:42,086 --> 00:08:44,316 -Pato! -I'm not taking any more of this shit today! 90 00:08:44,446 --> 00:08:46,914 Sure, let him hit me. I don't give a fuck, like. 91 00:08:47,046 --> 00:08:49,082 -Move somewhere else. -You move somewhere else! 92 00:08:49,206 --> 00:08:52,357 -I was here before all you spas. -Pato, sit down. 93 00:08:55,006 --> 00:08:57,520 Just one more crack. One more! 94 00:09:03,766 --> 00:09:08,203 Listen, I'm not defending you no more, okay? I've got me own troubles. 95 00:09:16,766 --> 00:09:19,439 Here, I've this great story about a cow with trapped wind, 96 00:09:19,566 --> 00:09:23,241 -do you want to hear it? -No! Jesus! 97 00:09:23,806 --> 00:09:25,478 Ar, ye's are no fun. 98 00:09:41,726 --> 00:09:44,798 -You're not supposed to go up and down, no? -No. 99 00:09:45,526 --> 00:09:47,244 Do you have Pringles? 100 00:09:47,366 --> 00:09:52,315 No. We got no call for fancy crisps round here. We've Taytos or we've Ripples. 101 00:09:52,446 --> 00:09:55,244 -You don't sell spirits, no? -It's 1 1 :00 in the morning. 102 00:09:55,366 --> 00:09:57,357 Oh, did I ask you what time it was? 103 00:09:57,486 --> 00:09:59,442 What I thought I asked you was, ''Do you sell spirits?'' 104 00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:02,683 -Don't you be getting ratty with me. -Yeah, well, don't you be getting ratty with me. 105 00:10:02,806 --> 00:10:05,366 -How was I getting ratty with you? -Your general face was ratty. 106 00:10:05,486 --> 00:10:07,204 -Me face? -Your general manner was ratty. 107 00:10:07,326 --> 00:10:08,839 Well, would you like to work on a train? 108 00:10:08,966 --> 00:10:10,843 Well, is it my fault that you have a shite job? 109 00:10:10,966 --> 00:10:16,086 I didn't say I had a shite job. I was saying it wasn't all I'd hoped for meself. 110 00:10:16,206 --> 00:10:20,279 Are you getting me my booze or am I just going to stand here, like? 111 00:10:34,446 --> 00:10:37,483 Are you not supposed to go up and down, no? 112 00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:42,998 -What can I get you? -A couple of teas, please. 113 00:11:00,566 --> 00:11:04,525 Would he be retarded, do you think? The young fella? 114 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:11,320 I wouldn't have said retarded, no. He knows what dressage is. 115 00:11:15,366 --> 00:11:17,926 No harm in him? 116 00:11:18,046 --> 00:11:21,083 That's what I was trying to say to you, like. 117 00:11:26,966 --> 00:11:30,845 Is that your dead kid? Give us a look. 118 00:11:33,046 --> 00:11:34,923 He looks like your man off of Bronski Beat. 119 00:11:35,046 --> 00:11:38,755 You remember your man off of Bronski Beat? He looks like him. 120 00:11:38,886 --> 00:11:43,402 -No wonder you banged it on something. -He was a cot death! 121 00:11:43,526 --> 00:11:45,323 That's what all you mams say. 122 00:11:45,446 --> 00:11:49,678 Everyone knows if you're lumped with an ugly baby who'll disgrace you. 123 00:11:59,566 --> 00:12:01,796 Well, don't blame that on me. 124 00:12:07,446 --> 00:12:11,280 Hey, missus, your fella's back that way! 125 00:12:18,886 --> 00:12:21,400 Was that a bit much now? 126 00:12:21,526 --> 00:12:25,280 I think you might have gone a bit overboard there, fella. 127 00:13:08,486 --> 00:13:10,875 -Did you see where my wife went to? -I did, aye. 128 00:13:11,006 --> 00:13:14,919 She flung herself off the train five minute back, dashed her brains to muck against a wall there. 129 00:13:15,046 --> 00:13:19,756 He is retarded. I'm going to look for my wife. 130 00:13:21,646 --> 00:13:26,037 Sure, just look out along the train. She's dripping down the half of it. 131 00:13:36,086 --> 00:13:39,396 Don't look at me. I told you that five minutes ago. 132 00:13:48,446 --> 00:13:51,483 KID: I mean, she was acting like an oddball from as soon as she sat down, like. 133 00:13:51,606 --> 00:13:54,643 All crying all over the place like a mad thing, she was. 134 00:13:54,766 --> 00:13:57,678 Wasn't she all crying all over the place like a mad thing, fella? 135 00:13:57,806 --> 00:14:00,240 -Her son had just died. -He had, aye. 136 00:14:00,366 --> 00:14:04,484 Write that down 'cause that might've had something to do with it. 137 00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:10,998 That's him. Brutal-looking baby. 138 00:14:11,126 --> 00:14:14,675 He looks like your man off of Bronski Beat. 139 00:14:14,806 --> 00:14:18,321 -Your man off of where? -Your man off of Bronski Beat. 140 00:14:19,046 --> 00:14:20,035 The gay man? 141 00:14:20,166 --> 00:14:23,954 Aye, the gay man, the gay man, the gay man. Aye, the gay man. 142 00:14:24,846 --> 00:14:26,962 -Can I keep this? -Work away, aye. 143 00:14:27,086 --> 00:14:30,635 Put it in your dead baby/Bronski Beat lookalike file. 144 00:14:31,766 --> 00:14:34,883 -Do I know you from somewhere? -Me? No. 145 00:14:38,526 --> 00:14:44,078 Okay, what were you and Mrs Dooley talking about before she left the carriage? 146 00:14:44,206 --> 00:14:47,198 I was telling her me story about this cow with trapped wind. 147 00:14:47,326 --> 00:14:50,875 Aw, jeez, that wouldn't have sent her over the edge, would it, mister? 148 00:14:51,006 --> 00:14:56,319 Ah, no, I'm sure it was just some sad things going on in her own mind. 149 00:14:58,806 --> 00:15:00,876 Thanks for your time, lads. 150 00:15:04,726 --> 00:15:07,763 And me thinking Freud had died long since. 151 00:15:37,326 --> 00:15:41,524 Get that train stopped! And tell the boys to get their guns out! 152 00:15:56,206 --> 00:16:01,485 Jeez, you're so fucking maudlin. You didn't even know the woman. 153 00:16:03,486 --> 00:16:07,161 -Have you no respect for the dead, no? -I haven't, no. 154 00:16:07,286 --> 00:16:09,242 A black fella stole mine. 155 00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:17,404 Admit it, fella, she was getting on your nerves, too, with her bawling. 156 00:16:21,126 --> 00:16:25,995 Sure, my mam got murdered last night, but you don't see me off wailing like a spa. 157 00:16:29,646 --> 00:16:30,874 You're codding me? 158 00:16:31,006 --> 00:16:34,521 Oh, aye. I'm forever codding people me mam's just been murdered. 159 00:16:34,646 --> 00:16:38,195 Oh, a great source of amusement to me, it is. 160 00:16:38,326 --> 00:16:40,556 You don't seem upset about it. 161 00:16:40,686 --> 00:16:44,998 Well, she wasn't the most pleasant of women, and sure, life goes on. 162 00:16:47,966 --> 00:16:50,685 -My wife died last night. -Did she? 163 00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:55,845 -Did she get murdered, too? -No, no. 164 00:16:55,966 --> 00:17:00,084 Thank fuck. I thought we had a fucking serial killer on the loose. 165 00:17:07,046 --> 00:17:09,799 Ah, now, don't cry, old fella. 166 00:17:09,926 --> 00:17:13,202 She's up with God now. She's up with God now. 167 00:17:15,486 --> 00:17:21,243 -I don't believe in God. Not no more. -Eh? Of course you believe in God. 168 00:17:21,366 --> 00:17:26,804 -You're an old fella. -No. Today was the last straw. 169 00:17:26,926 --> 00:17:30,919 Why, what happened today... Oh, aye, your wife and now Mrs Train-surf woman. 170 00:17:31,046 --> 00:17:35,517 Well, sure, that wasn't God's fault. He can't be everywhere at once, like. 171 00:17:39,206 --> 00:17:40,400 What? 172 00:17:42,246 --> 00:17:43,235 Nothing. 173 00:17:43,366 --> 00:17:46,597 Well, at last, a fucking smile out of you. 174 00:17:46,726 --> 00:17:49,923 Here, do you want to hear me story about the cow with trapped wind? 175 00:17:50,046 --> 00:17:53,755 It's a fucking deadly story. 176 00:17:53,886 --> 00:17:55,763 I would. I would like to hear it. 177 00:17:55,886 --> 00:17:58,400 Would you? Fuck me! 178 00:18:00,206 --> 00:18:04,199 And the thing is, it's fucking true, like. That's the mad thing. 179 00:18:05,846 --> 00:18:08,679 So I was at this cattle fair with me da when I was seven. 180 00:18:08,806 --> 00:18:12,162 All these fucking cows around, as you get at cattle fairs. 181 00:18:12,286 --> 00:18:14,959 And then this one cow got this trapped wind, like. 182 00:18:15,086 --> 00:18:17,395 There's a technical name for it, but I don't know what the fuck it is. 183 00:18:17,526 --> 00:18:22,680 Anyways, this cow starts expanding like a mad thing, starts fucking ballooning up, 184 00:18:22,806 --> 00:18:25,320 and that's really dangerous 'cause they can die like that. 185 00:18:25,446 --> 00:18:28,961 And nobody knew what to do till this short, tiny fella popped up. 186 00:18:29,086 --> 00:18:30,565 He was just passing by, like. 187 00:18:30,686 --> 00:18:34,122 And he takes out a fucking screwdriver and jumps into the pen, 188 00:18:34,246 --> 00:18:37,238 and everybody's going, ''Oh, fuck, no, '' like, 189 00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:41,644 and the short fella starts stabbing big fucking holes in the side of this cow, like. 190 00:18:41,766 --> 00:18:44,644 And we all thought he was mental, going stabbing a cow, like. 191 00:18:44,766 --> 00:18:47,326 But then the cow started deflating back to normal, 192 00:18:47,446 --> 00:18:50,119 'cause that's what you're supposed to do with a cow with trapped wind. 193 00:18:50,246 --> 00:18:51,395 Stab the fucker. 194 00:18:51,526 --> 00:18:55,360 So everybody gave this short fella a round of applause for being so on the ball, like. 195 00:18:55,486 --> 00:19:00,276 But then he starts giving us his whole life story about what an expert he is on fucking cows. 196 00:19:00,406 --> 00:19:02,556 And he says this gas that's coming out of the cow, 197 00:19:02,686 --> 00:19:05,246 it's the exact same gas as the gas in your oven back home, 198 00:19:05,366 --> 00:19:07,482 and everybody said, ''Fuck off, is it the same.'' 199 00:19:07,606 --> 00:19:09,676 But the short fella said, ''It is. Watch.'' 200 00:19:09,806 --> 00:19:11,762 And he lights the fucking gas, like, 201 00:19:11,886 --> 00:19:15,083 so there's this stream of fucking fire shooting out of this cow, 202 00:19:15,206 --> 00:19:19,165 and we were so impressed, like, and we gave him another round of applause. 203 00:19:19,286 --> 00:19:21,242 But then the gas must've backed up inside or something 204 00:19:21,366 --> 00:19:24,836 'cause the cow fucking exploded. 205 00:19:52,086 --> 00:19:54,919 Best day of me fucking life, that cow exploding. 206 00:20:08,606 --> 00:20:10,836 -This is me. -You're off here, are you? 207 00:20:10,966 --> 00:20:14,845 Fair enough, so. You were starting to bore the tits off me. 208 00:20:17,526 --> 00:20:19,164 Good luck to you. 209 00:20:20,286 --> 00:20:21,435 Fella? 210 00:20:24,126 --> 00:20:27,038 Sorry to hear about your dead missus and all. 211 00:20:27,166 --> 00:20:28,155 Oh. 212 00:20:30,246 --> 00:20:32,202 Yeah. Thank you. 213 00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:36,439 -Sorry about your mam. -Ah, no loss. 214 00:21:05,766 --> 00:21:08,360 (TRAIN WHEELS SCREECHING) 215 00:21:08,486 --> 00:21:12,365 DOCTOR: Two cot deaths and a woman. Her son shot the poor head off her. 216 00:21:13,446 --> 00:21:15,164 No! 217 00:22:01,206 --> 00:22:02,241 No! 218 00:22:10,646 --> 00:22:12,398 I didn't hit one of them. 219 00:22:12,566 --> 00:22:19,358 That was fucking woeful shooting. Fucking woeful, like. You know, like? 220 00:22:19,486 --> 00:22:23,479 Do you know what I mean, like? Like... Like, just fucking woeful. 221 00:22:55,966 --> 00:22:58,161 (SIRENS WAILING) 222 00:23:44,726 --> 00:23:46,956 I hope I'll see you soon, babe. 223 00:23:49,366 --> 00:23:51,596 If I don't, I don't. 224 00:24:20,566 --> 00:24:22,079 (SCRATCHING) 225 00:24:42,646 --> 00:24:44,796 There, there, there. 226 00:24:49,366 --> 00:24:51,084 There, there, David. 227 00:24:57,846 --> 00:25:00,155 There's one for the each of us. 228 00:25:08,926 --> 00:25:11,121 I'll be following you shortly. 229 00:25:16,926 --> 00:25:18,245 (GUN FIRES) 230 00:25:28,726 --> 00:25:30,125 (GUN FIRES) 231 00:25:54,526 --> 00:25:55,925 Oh, Jesus. 232 00:25:57,886 --> 00:25:59,604 What a fucking day.