South Park Season 13 Episode 1: The Ring
Would you look at that?
It's just incredible, isn't it?
I still can't believe it!
Even know it's right there in front of me.
Yeah, it's just so... astounding!
Well believe it, friends. The impossible has happened.
Kenny has a girlfriend.
Yeah, a 5-grade girlfriend.
This is serious. They been going out for almost two weeks now.
S-so, w-who is she?
She's name a Tammy Warner. She's the only girl in school who's family is actually poorer than Kenny's.
It's really kind of beautiful, if you'll ask me.
You, guys! You, guys, I think we have a big problem!
What?
Well, apparently Kenny has a girlfriend!
Yeah dude, Tammy Warner, she is a fifth-grader.
Does Kenny like her?
I guess so, she's like his first will girlfriend ever.
Oh no, oh geez!
Butters, what's the problem?
I've just talked to Brian Dickson. Tammy Warner is bad news.
All the 5-graders call her a slut.
One of a kind she gave this kid Dorski a BJ in a parking lot of TGI Fridays.
What?
It's true! Ask anybody at 5-th grade!
Tammy Warner is a total slut!
That bitch!
Kenny's gave his heart to her and she just gonna throw it in face.
Well, Kenny deserves to know, fellas.
If you guys found up my girlfriend was a raging whore I'd want you t-to tell me.
All right... come on, guys.
Hey, Jimmy. What's a BJ?
So anyway I passed him note but then Johny got to...
Kenny, hey, hey, Kenny!
Oh, hello.
Listen, Kenny. We need to talk about your new friend.
Let it go!
Oh, boy... Kenny, we know you really like this girl, but...
But what?
Well... we've heard that she's...
Kenny! Your girl is a notorious whore.
She even gave a kid named Dorsky a BJ in a parking lot of TGI Fridays.
Ah? - Your girlfriend is a slut, dude.
He took it pretty well.
- Hi Tammy! - Hi, Ken.
You decided what you wanna do after school?
Do you want to go to TGI Fridays?
TGI Fridays?
Looks like a good thing.
Yeah. Okay. But...
Kenny, listen.
There's something I need to tell you about.
There's a lot of rumours going around about me.
That I agreed to give a boy a BJ.
Well, It's true.
But it was before you and I were together and it wasn't my fault.
See, I was watching a Disney channel.
And that show came on, with the Jonas Brothers.
Jonas Brothers?
You know that teenage boy band?
Every time I see them I get so... tingly.
I just completely loose control.
And then Dave Dorsky showed up and took me to the TGI Fridays.
And... It just happened.
But it was only for one second and I had my eyes closed.
I know it's terrible.
Can you... can you forgive me, Ken?
There you are, young man. Two tickets to the Jonas Brothers concert.
Thanks!
The Jonas Brothers? Dude, Kenny, what the hell is wrong with you?
I thought those queers were on the Disney channel.
I think if i bring her there I'll get a BJ.
A BJ? You want Tammy to give you a BJ?
Of course, dude!
Kenny! You gonna let a girl put a mouth on your wiener?
Do you know how disgusting that is?
Girl's mouths are full of germs!
Yeah, dude, that's gross.
Okay, I'll use a protection.
What kind of protection?
Would you give me a condom, please?
Boxed condom? Certainly, little boy.
What kind would you like?
I'll take one of these.
These here? Certainly.
Cool!
Kenny, aren't you a little too young for this?
Unaudible BJ!
Just because you've got condoms doesn't mean you're safe, Kenny.
Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet
is the mouth of the american women.
And you gonna let that to your pennis?
Yep.
THE DENVER PEPSI CENTER THE JONAS BROTHERS LIVE - TONIGHT
You better run!
Kenny, you're the best for bringing me here.
Isn't this awesome?
I'm ready to get it on.
There's no getting on, so I'm ready.
Too soon
Slow down
- Take it easy, young girl - My jina tickles
I need your love, baby!
- Can we do the day I kiss you - Oh my god, it's start tingling again!
Until then I have to tease you.
- 'Cos my mom doesn't like it way i love it - I love you!
She'll make me clean my broom if i'm naughty, baby!
- I'm high... - He's high...
Tell me how was that in love...
You'll take your love and go...
Was it 'cos I wanted to wait till we were married to put my arm around you?
Seasons change, baby.
And the world goes around you (round, round)...
Yeah yeah I'm gonna take my time,
Can't wait till you were mine but it might be away, 'cos...
Yeah, yeah, girl, we can take it slow,
So we have room to grow,
- And so all day we can do a love! -Ah, ah, do a love.
You're so hot, Kevin, I love you too!
Until then, go back to Montreal.
- 'Cos I still love you, baby... - Love you, baby! Baby!
Good night, Denver, we love you all!
We love you, Denver!
Good night!
Oh my god! I'm so worked up.
I just want to attack you, Kenny!
All right! (Inaudible)
And are you two, little girl in the red.
Ben want you to come backstage.
You too, little girl with a puppy t-shirt.
They want me to come backstage? Oh my god!
But, we have to do another thing!
It's a dream come true!
Hey!!
All right, right this way, girls.
Yeah, come on in everyone. The Ben is waiting for you.
Oh, not you.
Oh, fuck you, I got to inaudible tickle
THE JONAS BROTHERS
Hey, (inaudible)
Jonas Brothers would be right out, girls.
Why do you think they call us back here?
That must of ones to have sex with us.
What? You think so?
Sure, they're band.
They called us back here so we can give 'em blowjobs.
Well, I'm not doing it.
Just because they are a rockstars that doesn't mean I'll do that.
Yeah, I'm not giving a blowjob to anybody!
Me neither.
Here we are, girls!
Hey, listen. We saw ya up in the audience.
Yeah, you're all get a little crazy up there.
Let's start to get to the blowjobs.
Blow-what?
I don't know.
Look, we called you back here 'cos we want to share a love of Christ with you.
And see if you wear a purity rings from now on.
Purity rings?
We're all wear purity rings.
It means we're all going to be pure, not having sex untill we married.
And It means we stay away from bad stuff and avoid ppl who swear and watch naughty TV shows.
That's just how we roll.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
So what are you say, girls.
You want to be kid hipsters like us and wear purity rings too?
Okay.
And be sure you give a ring to other kids you care about,
'cos it's the new hip way to roll.
SOUTH PARK
Well, well, well...
Here he comes. It's a BJ McKey and his best friend bear.
So how to go last night?
- What's that? - A purity ring.
- Purity ring? - Yeah, It's a purity ring.
W-what that does mean?
- It means ... BJ.
Dude, you? Without you really wanted to have a BJ you got to old and...
(Inaudible)
All right, all right Kenny, calm down!
You're too young to be getting BJ's anyway!
It's good you and Tammy ... each other that doesn't based on sex!
Yeah!
(Inaudible)
Fellas, hey, fellas!
I've heard that Kenny is still going out with that slut Tammy Warner!
Yeah, but it's okay, Butters, they wear purity rings now.
W-what's that?
The rings that says they not gonna have sex or doing anything naughty anymore.
A ring that says you'll be together but not have sex...
Isn't that called the wedding ring?
I've got a ring on my finger to remind me what I cannot do.
Can't just do whatever I feel like I've got to stay right just and true.
I can't hang out with my buddies and getting into trouble,
'cos now we're both wearing these rings for each other,
But who needs sex in trade of partying,
When we can cook a meal then sit around and watch Netflicks.
Baby!
I've got a ring on my finger to remind me that I must behave,
No need to chase after girls it's the promise I can never break.
I made a commitment I need this forever,
So we can spend every waking minute together,
And If we get bored, won't be a problem,
'Cos we can just hang out with other couples who wear these rings...
Baby!
Yeah, we've found out that once you wear purity rings,
it's best to hang out with other couples that do.
Got more in common, isn't that right, Vera?
You know, what Carol and I really enjoy, is Grey's Anatomy.
We love Grey's Anatomy, don't we, Carol?
We adore Gray's Anatomy, don't we, Nancy?
Adore it!
Ken, you and Tammy, do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
We like ... all we a clone!
Sure, yes. ...
I got a ring on my finger to remind me what I cannot do.
Babe... Babe Baby! Baby!
JONAS BROTHERS "I'VE GOT A RING" WALT DISNEY PRODUCTIONS
And... cut! Great video shoot, guys!
This is bull fockey!
Yeah, we've had it, gosh darn it!
Uh-oh. Looks like we've got a problem.
Our decision is final!
We've decided, as a band, not to wear purity rings anymore!
Yeah, you tell them, Joe.
Boys, I know you're tired. But the purity rings are important for the company's image!
We don't care about the company!
And you gonna say that to the boss's face?
We are... we are not afraid of him.
Yeah, I hope you're right, because the boss is on his way here.
Now! Oh Jesus, he's here, boss is here!
Let's be strong, guys.
Hello, sir. How was your trip?
What's all is I'm here about not wearing the purity rings?
Ah... we'll just leave you alone.
So... I guess we have some issues?
We... need to talk about something.
Oh, boy!
I just love flying all the way to Colorado to hear about your problems!
Look, we just wanna a concert skip about music.
And not about purity rings.
Oh, gosh, fellas. Let me explain that to you one more time.
You have to wear the purity rings, because that's how we can sell sex to little girls.
See, if we make the posters with little girls reaching for your junk,
then you have to wear purity rings, or else Disney company looks bad.
But we don't want to be selling sex to little girls anymore!
Rings stay on!
Well... well... maybe we'll just refuse to go on stage!
You don't f... talk to me like that!
You little piece of sh...
Get the f... off. Get the f... out, ha.
Now, do we have a problem?
No sir, no mister mouse. No, mister mouse.
Oh, that's good, 'cos I thought we've got a problem for a minute here.
All right, now get out of there and make me some god damn money!
DVD SALE 20% OFF
Yep, he is in here.
Dude, what are you doing here?
This is the day we're supposed to throw ... together.
We've had just about enough, dude.
You've been blowing a suffer two weeks, now what's up?
(Inaudible)
Grey's Anatomy? Kenny!
What kind of douchebag garbage are you watching?
Come on, Kenny, this isn't you. We want you back, dude.
Kenny... Kenny... Kenny? Where are you looking, playboy?
Wanna get high sniffing pain? Kenny?
You want your Grey's Anatomy back, Kenny?
(Inaudible)
You guys, I think this is serious. There's something is really wrong with him.
It's not ring!
Somehow putting on that ring is turned Kenny into a boring turd!
Oh my god, look at this! Motherf...!
What?
TEEN POP
Jonas Brothers Talk music, faith in god and purity rings.
This Disney, douchebag, and it's one cause of all this.
Yeah, this all happened a day after he was on their concert.
Okay, come on guys. We're not sitting back and watching our friend die.
Hold tight, buddy. We gonna find a cure for you.
GOOD MORNIN' DENVER
We're join this morning by a Disney supergroup...
The Jonas Brothers. Hello, boys!
Hello!
Now tell us what are you doing in Denver, guys.
We're gonna be doing a live concert from a Red Rocks tonight,
that would be a live broadcast on a Disney channel.
And 3-D. Don't forget to mention 3-D!
Oh, and it's gonna be in 3-D.
Now lots of guesses were made about your purity rings.
Can you tell us about those?
Oh, well...
We... We wear this to symbolize how pure we are and how we...
Don't approve thing of being naughty or filthy.
Yeah, that's good. Get a closeup on a purity rings. Closeup on a purity rings.
That's wonderful, boys.
It's good that little girls can see your concert is not have to be about sex.
We understand, that in the concert tonight,
You'll be dowsing girls in the audience with white foam is that correct?
Aha. Yeah. Aha. Yeah. Yep.
Well, you can give an audience a peak. What you say girls,
do you want the Jonas Brothers seduce you with their white foam?
Oh, oh, this is TV-gold!
Excuse us, excuse us.
Hey, what are you think you're doing?
Great stuff, boys. You like taking a Jonas Brother's hot foam on your faces, girls?
Hey! Hey, those Jonas Brothers - assholes!
Yeah, their purity rings turned our friend into a douche!
Huh?
What the hell do you think you're doing spreading this crap to kids?
Who the hell are these guys? Are they from Dreamworks?
God damn, Eisner trying to hurt this company again?
This whoile thing is a freaking shame.
I say what you're doing now.
You're trying to sell sex to young girls.
And then confuse them with...
the...
Cartman?
You aren't ruining my plans this time, Dreamworks.
Dude, who the hell did that?
Fifteen minutes, that's fifteen minutes, people.
Get them out the trunk and drop here.
They almost ruined everything.
How does something like that happened?
Wake up, wake up, you little prick
Who do you work for, DreamWorks?
Answer me!
We... don't work for anybody.
Oh boy, I sure believe that.
You just try to ruin Disney company's big night for your own amusement.
What the hell did you do to us?
Shut up!
And now, Disney Channel presents...
The Jonas Brothers 3D concert spectacular.
Live from Redrocks amphitheater in Colorado.
Truly, a night of magic as we are set for a biggest concert event of the year.
In about ten minutes the Jonas Brothers are going to take stage into what Disney is calling
The most pure and innocent rock event of the millenia.
Do we put the 3D glasses on now, dadda?
Not yet, Keidy.
Everyone around the country is tuning in to see Disneys waitest pop stars.
[mumbles]
We understand that Jonas Brothers are getting ready.
What's going on backstage must be exciting.
You better start talking, You're better start talking right now.
We told you, we aren't working for another studio and there isn't a plan to sabotage your big night.
We came on our own 'cause our friends purity ring is killing him.
You're lying, I'll cut you up.
You see? We were right about the purity rings
A nice christian symbol can't be used for profit gains.
We're all angered god.
You think god is in control here?
I am in control, I've been in control since the 50's if you haven't noticed.
You sleaze bag are going on stage.
And you three faggots aren't gonna stop me. Nobody is ruining this event.
I've worked too long and too hard to have anyone fuck this up.
Where would you be without me, Jonas Brothers? Your music sucks and you know it.
It's because you make litte gils jines tickle.
And when little girls' jines tickle I make money.
And that's because little girls are fucking stupid.
And the purity rings make it ok to do whatever I want.
Even the christians are too fucking stupid to figure out I'm selling sex to their daughters.
I've made billions off of christian ignorance for decades now.
And do you know why?
Because christians are retarded.
They believe in a talking dead guy.
Oh... Hello folks.
Take it easy.
Here is the Jonas Brothers.
C'mon guys.
Not! Stop! Bring them back here!
It's over mr. Meowus. Everyone's tuning out.
No! NO, GOD DAMN IT! NO!
Shut up! SHUT UP!
That's it, girls. No more Disney TV for a while.
Tom, the Disney Jonas Brothers 3D television special has failed.
Costing the Disney company millions.
And once again, Mickey is pissed off and throwing a fire.
Venegance is mine
You will all answer. I'm your destroyer.
The Disney purity ring venture will most likely now prove a marketing bust.
As Mickey returns to Valhalla.
To slumber and feed.
Oh, Ken. Look at what we've become. We're way too young to be this boring.
[mumbles]
No! I don't want to watch Grey's Anatomy, Ken.
Let's take off these rings, Ken.
[mumbles]
Let's take them off and just be kids again.
There will be pretty of time to wear rings and be boring and lame when we reach late 30s and be boring and lame anyway.
[mumbles]
Ah, I feel better already.
[mumbles]
Whats say you and me go to T.G.I. Friday's?
[mumbles]
And so, as we commit this young child to the earth
Let us all be reminded.
That syphilis is still a deadly disease.
And it can be caught even using protection.
This young boy learned a hard way.
I told him. Women's mouth is a most germed place I've said.
Statistically the most unsafe place for a man to put his penis, I've said.
Well, now we know.
And knowing is half the battle.