1 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:42,000 Ripped & Corrected By mstoll 2 00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:43,464 Morning, Randy. 3 00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:44,757 Morning, Ger. 4 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,721 Just another day in paradise, huh? 5 00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:48,465 Yeah, look at all these new restaurants 6 00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:49,967 the Whole Foods has brought in. 7 00:00:50,092 --> 00:00:52,720 Let's try out that one there. 8 00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:54,642 Hi. Two of us, please. 9 00:00:54,763 --> 00:00:56,811 Yeah, sorry, guys. We got about a 30-minute wait. 10 00:00:56,932 --> 00:00:58,229 Oh, uh, excuse me. 11 00:01:00,269 --> 00:01:03,694 Yes, sir. Give me a second. I'll have a table right away. 12 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:05,657 Whoa. What'd you say to him? 13 00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:07,651 I just told him who I am. 14 00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:08,823 Who are you? 15 00:01:08,944 --> 00:01:10,366 I'm a Yelp reviewer. 16 00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:11,909 I usually keep it on the down-low 17 00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:13,498 so they don't kiss my ass too much. 18 00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:15,492 Right over here, sir. 19 00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:18,166 All right, guys, welcome to Vernacular. 20 00:01:18,287 --> 00:01:21,040 Thanks. Uh, did they mention to you that I am a Yelper? 21 00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:23,212 Yes, we've been alerted, sir. 22 00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:24,255 Great. 23 00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:27,380 Could you have them turn the lights up a little, please? 24 00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:30,678 Oh, look at it, Gerald ... all the new families moving in. 25 00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:34,429 Our little town is all grown up. 26 00:01:36,138 --> 00:01:38,106 Where's that other taco plate? We need it now! 27 00:01:38,223 --> 00:01:40,225 I'm a little overwhelmed. 28 00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:41,647 I know, but we put everything 29 00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:43,486 into moving here and starting this business, 30 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:44,947 and we have to be impressive. 31 00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:47,361 David, you must help your mama however you can. 32 00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:49,701 We're not going back to that miserable place. 33 00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:51,365 I don't want to go back, either. 34 00:01:51,486 --> 00:01:52,703 - Okay, done. - Great! 35 00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:54,414 We really have to impress this customer. 36 00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:56,533 He's a local food critic. 37 00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:58,456 Another one? 38 00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:02,164 Mmm. Hmm. 39 00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:03,632 Okay, here you go, amigo ... 40 00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:05,422 another taco plate and the taquitos. 41 00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:06,338 Oh, thank you. 42 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:08,758 And did I mention I am a food critic for Yelp? 43 00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:10,506 Yes, you mentioned that several times. 44 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,554 Okay, I just didn't want you caught off guard. 45 00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:14,597 I was thinking of giving this place five stars. 46 00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:15,469 Really? 47 00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:19,315 Yeah, but I'm kind of teetering on five stars or one star. 48 00:02:19,431 --> 00:02:20,728 Oh, no, no. No one star, please. 49 00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:21,975 What can we do to ... 50 00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:23,477 I mean, I could probably be persuaded 51 00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:24,649 with some free desserts. 52 00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:26,113 Let me get that for you. 53 00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:27,606 Great. And could you turn down the music a bit? 54 00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:28,857 This pagan shit hurts my ears. 55 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,359 Of course. 56 00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:34,074 Oh, hey. Hey, busboy. 57 00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:35,118 Busboy! Busboy! Por favor! 58 00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:38,117 - Busboy! - My name is David. 59 00:02:38,241 --> 00:02:39,117 Excuse me? 60 00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:41,085 I said my name is David. 61 00:02:41,203 --> 00:02:43,797 Uh, it's actually pronounced "Day-vid," okay? 62 00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:45,336 Well, I'm "Da-veed." 63 00:02:45,457 --> 00:02:47,175 It's David, dude. Look it up. 64 00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:48,384 What's going on? 65 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,379 Do not argue, son. We need him. 66 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,006 There you are ... a few free desserts. 67 00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:54,349 Oh, excuse me. More customers. 68 00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:56,218 Hi. Two of us for lunch, please. 69 00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:57,469 Yes. Right away. 70 00:02:57,594 --> 00:02:59,141 Oh, and, uh, I just wanted to mention 71 00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:01,060 that my wife and I are Yelp reviewers, 72 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,854 so, uh, your best table, please. 73 00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:04,567 Oh, geez. You guys, too, huh? 74 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:07,154 Okay, um, I'll get you set up right over here, okay? 75 00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:08,897 Mm-hmm. 76 00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,821 Hmm. This place seems nice. 77 00:03:11,942 --> 00:03:13,660 I guess we'll see. 78 00:03:13,777 --> 00:03:16,075 I guess we'll see, won't we? 79 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:19,166 Oh, God. Now everyone thinks they're a food critic. 80 00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:24,834 Did you get them? Did you get them? 81 00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:26,628 - Did you get them? Huh? - Here you go. 82 00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:27,670 Whoa. 83 00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:29,338 Crispy risotto bites from Olive Garden. 84 00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:30,426 How do you do it, Eric? 85 00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:31,796 I'm a restaurant critic, Butters. 86 00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,217 I get whatever I want. 87 00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:34,760 Geez! 88 00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:36,303 So the cafeteria's back that way, 89 00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:38,018 and most of the classrooms are this way down the ... 90 00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:39,853 Ew! What's the busboy doing here? 91 00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:41,267 David is new to our school. 92 00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:42,640 Oh, cool. 93 00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:44,266 Are you gonna clean the tables here, too? 94 00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:46,644 How do you get to school? Do you ride your tiny bicicleta? 95 00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:48,065 - Huh? - Shut up. 96 00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:48,937 Look, amigo, I'm sorry 97 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,359 I only gave your parents' restaurant two stars, 98 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:51,447 but it could've been worse. 99 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,112 Why'd you only give them two stars? 100 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,860 I'm sorry, but the food totally messed my stomach up. 101 00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:56,578 The morning after I ate it, I went to the bathroom, 102 00:03:56,695 --> 00:03:59,198 and my poop was all solid ... like, no water at all. 103 00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:00,369 It's not supposed to have water, you ... 104 00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:01,958 It was like this one, solid piece 105 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,622 that I had to push out my asshole. 106 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:04,791 It was like being raped from the inside. 107 00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:06,254 Your parents' restaurant 108 00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:07,714 just wasn't up to my standards, "Day-vid." 109 00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:09,208 - "Da-veed." - "Day-vid." 110 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:10,208 "Da-veed." 111 00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:11,880 - "Day-vid." - "Da-veed." 112 00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:13,379 "Day-vid," "Day-vid," "Day-vid," "Day-vid"! 113 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:16,507 I can update this to a one-star review in two seconds, dude. 114 00:04:20,051 --> 00:04:22,645 Oh, God, I love being a restaurant critic. 115 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,397 And yet there was more. 116 00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:30,771 For in this crisp time when autumn begins to fade, 117 00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:32,898 the chef brines chicken in habañero 118 00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:35,993 and even adds habañero powder to the crust. 119 00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:38,578 But the heat is restrained. 120 00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:41,118 You experience the fruity, delicious flavor of this 121 00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:43,241 without any spicy pain. 122 00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:44,959 I don't need any more pain. 123 00:04:45,076 --> 00:04:47,124 Hell, does anyone? 124 00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:49,919 Gerald, we're going to the park. 125 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,883 - You want to come along? - Sorry, honey. 126 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,549 This review for Applebee's has turned into a 50-pager. 127 00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:57,343 Then I have a polish on Ruby Tuesday's. 128 00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:59,091 Why don't you take a break from Yelping, Gerald? 129 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:00,763 You seem a little overwhelmed. 130 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,807 I am overwhelmed. 131 00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:05,602 Sometimes I don't know what I've gotten myself into. 132 00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,724 But now everyone relies on my Yelp reviews, 133 00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:10,853 and I-I don't want to let anyone down. 134 00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:13,071 Well, there's chicken in the fridge if you get hungry. 135 00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:14,565 Thanks, but I-I got to Yelp 136 00:05:14,689 --> 00:05:16,691 a new place in Shi Tpa Town tonight. 137 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,660 God, I'm so damn tired. 138 00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:20,654 Okay, have fun. 139 00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:22,952 Ha. "Fun," she says. 140 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,625 In finality, I would say 141 00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:27,665 my experience at Applebee's was sublime 142 00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:30,881 and my treatment near that of a gladiator most decorated. 143 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,294 But the street parking wasn't that great. 144 00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:34,088 Two-and-a-half stars. 145 00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:38,180 Yes. 146 00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:39,889 Come on, Liza. 147 00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,849 I'll introduce you to the girls. 148 00:05:44,719 --> 00:05:46,096 Well, aren't you eating lunch, Eric? 149 00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:47,643 I am a food critic, Butters, okay? 150 00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,687 I can't just eat cafeteria food. 151 00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:51,105 Okay, here you are, sir! 152 00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:52,648 There's orange peel chicken, 153 00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:54,521 some chitty beef, and a chitty egg roll! 154 00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:55,989 Are you joking? 155 00:05:56,106 --> 00:05:57,073 Well, you are a little late. 156 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,568 Like, I don't know, maybe only-one-star late. 157 00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,320 Oh, no. No one star, please. 158 00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:03,037 You Yelpers are killing me! 159 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:05,248 Okay, you no pay. You no pay. Please. 160 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,787 Sounds good. Now get the fuck out of here. 161 00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:08,080 Yes, yes! I'll get the fuck out! 162 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:09,498 Thank you! 163 00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:11,496 Wow. Well, you're pretty important, Eric. 164 00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:13,498 He's not important at all. 165 00:06:13,623 --> 00:06:14,419 Yeah, no. 166 00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:16,509 No, no, you're right, Kyle. I'm not important. 167 00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:18,674 Oh, hey, David, I was just wondering. 168 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,422 Um, how do you get to school? 169 00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:24,097 Do you ride your tiny bicicleta? Eh? 170 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:25,434 - Stop it. - What? 171 00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:26,644 I just want to hear him say, 172 00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:30,516 "Si, me ride mi tiny bicicleta to school." 173 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,519 Si, me ride mi tiny bicicleta to school. 174 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:34,735 That's awesome. 175 00:06:34,853 --> 00:06:36,070 I'm gonna go out to recess. 176 00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:37,564 Will you bus this for me, David? Thanks. 177 00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:40,818 Ah, don't. Dude ... Dude, don't. 178 00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:45,993 Sir, it's midnight. 179 00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:47,741 Go home. Get some sleep. 180 00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:50,745 There's no time to sleep when the city's counting on me. 181 00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:52,121 More Yelp reviews, sir? 182 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:54,373 I had a bad experience at Red Lobster, 183 00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:56,875 and if the people don't know about it, they could, too. 184 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,048 Folks deserve to know where to eat, Mitch. 185 00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:00,887 But does anyone even thank you for it? 186 00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:02,381 I don't need them to. 187 00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:04,849 I know they need me, and that's enough. 188 00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:06,718 God bless you, sir. 189 00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:08,845 I know. 190 00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:16,023 Welcome to Whistlin' Willy's. 191 00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:17,987 Y'all enjoying Your pizza? 192 00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:19,276 Look here, my good man. 193 00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:20,774 We've been waiting over 15 minutes 194 00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:22,742 for you to sing "Happy Birthday" to our son. 195 00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:24,327 Unfortunately for you, 196 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:27,038 we are both restaurant critics, and so is our son. 197 00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:28,372 One star! 198 00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:31,494 Excuse me! Emergency! Over here! Emergency! 199 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,120 I would like a table inside the area 200 00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:34,962 with all the little plastic balls, please. 201 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,003 And make it snappy. I am a food critic for Yelp. 202 00:07:37,123 --> 00:07:39,922 That does it! I've had enough! 203 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:43,297 All you Yelp reviewers get the hell out of here! 204 00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:46,049 I don't care what happens to my business! 205 00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:48,518 I ain't kissing your asses no more! 206 00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:50,971 Go on. 207 00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:53,815 Every Yelper, get the fuck out of here! 208 00:07:53,932 --> 00:07:55,058 Careful now, Bill. 209 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:56,605 You don't want a one-star review. 210 00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:58,979 You're not a food critic, Dennis! 211 00:07:59,104 --> 00:08:00,481 You're a fucking mechanic! 212 00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:02,699 Now get the fuck out! Go on! 213 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:07,322 All you Yelping sons of bitches get the fuck out of here! 214 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:09,368 You're gonna regret this, Whistlin' Willy. 215 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,287 You can't treat Yelpers this way. 216 00:08:11,408 --> 00:08:13,285 You get the ... get the fuck out! 217 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,753 Ow! 218 00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:18,423 Well, good for you. 219 00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:21,635 - You, too, you son of a bitch. - Whoa! Hey! 220 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:29,560 It's over! It's over! 221 00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:32,225 You see paper?! It's over! 222 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:35,315 Whistlin' Willy! He stand up to the Yelpers! 223 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:38,231 We don't have to kiss their asses anymore! 224 00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:39,728 Look! Everybody doing the same! 225 00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:43,986 It's over! It's over! Hey, Skeeter, you hear the news? 226 00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:45,984 It's a miracle. 227 00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:49,071 It's a miracle! 228 00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:52,323 What the fuck? 229 00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:54,668 Uh, dude, somebody spilled shit on the floor. 230 00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:56,536 Hey, David, somebody spilled something here. 231 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,755 Could you clean this up, por favor? 232 00:08:58,872 --> 00:08:59,919 David? 233 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,963 Over here. There's some shit on the floor. 234 00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:04,427 Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on, man? 235 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:05,420 You haven't heard? 236 00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,639 Nobody gives a fuck what Yelp reviewers think anymore. 237 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:09,178 What are you talking about? 238 00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:10,846 I'm the most influential critic in this town. 239 00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:12,219 Okay, David, forget the spill. 240 00:09:12,343 --> 00:09:13,811 Just give me one little, "My name is David. 241 00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:16,306 Me ride mi bicicleta to school." 242 00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:19,310 My name is "Da-veed." 243 00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:20,606 Ha! 244 00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:23,692 Okay, I'm ... I'm updating my review. 245 00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:25,440 I'm about to do it. 246 00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:29,407 You better say, "I ride mi bicicleta to school!" 247 00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:32,406 One star. 248 00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:35,158 No ... No stars? 249 00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:37,377 No stars? 250 00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:40,213 You can't just treat me like I'm nothing. 251 00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:43,004 I still know I'm worth something. 252 00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:44,842 Come on, guys. 253 00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:49,715 Oh, yeah. Y-You guys stay at school. 254 00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:52,262 That's cool. Y-You guys stay here. 255 00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:30,839 Oh, hey, Eric. 256 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,307 It's all over, Butters. 257 00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:34,972 Everything I've worked so hard to achieve. 258 00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:36,595 All these hack, wannabe food critics 259 00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:38,062 have made my profession a joke. 260 00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:39,351 Aw, I'm sorry, bud. 261 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,474 All these people trying to be like me. 262 00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:44,068 And they don't even write about poop consistency the next day. 263 00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,859 Well, Eric, you should be proud that people want to be like you. 264 00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,573 I mean, you really started something. 265 00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:49,566 I guess. 266 00:10:49,691 --> 00:10:50,863 Well, if these people look up to you, 267 00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,032 maybe ... maybe you can sort of set the record straight 268 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,406 and show them the way it's supposed to be done. 269 00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:56,827 You're right, Butters. 270 00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:58,746 Maybe I can actually use all these people somehow 271 00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:01,916 to make real food critics respected again. 272 00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:09,044 Harrison Yates, what's gotten into you? 273 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,513 That's it, Maggie. I'm hanging it up. 274 00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:14,132 If people are gonna be trying all the new restaurants in town, 275 00:11:14,257 --> 00:11:17,557 they'll have to do it without my reviews. 276 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:18,894 What are you talking about? 277 00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:21,060 You said that protecting people from bad dining experiences 278 00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:22,728 was what kept you going. 279 00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:25,728 The restaurants put up signs saying I can't come in. 280 00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,570 I don't know why they singled me out, 281 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:32,158 but it's like people don't need me. 282 00:11:32,275 --> 00:11:33,902 Well, I'll be damned. 283 00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,074 What is it? 284 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:37,118 Somebody's put a note in the mailbox 285 00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:41,084 asking me to come and talk to them. 286 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,670 They do need me. 287 00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:44,878 I need to get going. 288 00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:45,997 You want me to come along? 289 00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:48,216 No. They're just asking for me. 290 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:52,304 I guess maybe I do have a town to protect. 291 00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:58,384 Oh, are you having a party, sweetheart? 292 00:11:58,509 --> 00:11:59,556 Not a party, Mom. 293 00:11:59,677 --> 00:12:00,929 I've invited all the poseur food critics 294 00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:01,805 over for a meeting. 295 00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:02,931 Oh, how fun. 296 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,228 It's not fun. It's serious. 297 00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:05,771 These people think they can do what I do, 298 00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:07,519 but they need to be made to understand the reality. 299 00:12:07,644 --> 00:12:09,362 When the Yelpers get here, I need you to get lost, okay? 300 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,074 Okay, that's them, that's them. Go! Get lost, Mom! 301 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:15,860 Hello! Hi! 302 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,454 I'm here for the meeting. 303 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:19,868 Is this the right place? 304 00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:21,707 Fu-u-ck. 305 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:24,627 Mom! 306 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:25,996 I'm going, honey. 307 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,497 Mom, there's like a billion people here! 308 00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:28,498 Oh, yes, sweetie. 309 00:12:28,623 --> 00:12:30,375 I think quite a few people are Yelp reviewers. 310 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:31,877 Oh, this many people have nothing better to do 311 00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:33,378 than write reviews on Yelp? 312 00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:35,801 I guess so, honey. Do you need more lemonade? 313 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,674 Mom, there's a fucking billion people here! 314 00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:43,309 Uh, thank you all for coming. 315 00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:45,056 My name is Eric, and as you know, 316 00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:46,808 us Yelpers are being scrutinized. 317 00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:49,982 Can't you speak a little louder?! 318 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,822 Yes, us Yelp critics are being scrutinized! 319 00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:54,691 - That's right! - Yeah! 320 00:12:54,816 --> 00:12:58,195 Now, you see the problem is that when there's too many reviewers, 321 00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:01,038 people no longer know who is the real food critic. 322 00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:04,409 It's great that you all want to be critics, 323 00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:07,879 but we all know who the real food analyst of the town is. 324 00:13:07,996 --> 00:13:08,997 - That's right! - That's right! 325 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:10,374 Yeah! 326 00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:11,875 Oh! Oh, thanks. 327 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,755 Okay, so, as long as there is one clear leader, 328 00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:18,597 then the rest of you can just follow. 329 00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:21,468 And with this many people all following one captain, 330 00:13:21,592 --> 00:13:23,686 we can fight to get our power back! 331 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,897 Power back! 332 00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:28,437 So now rise up, and fight for your leader! 333 00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:29,434 Fight together, 334 00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:32,278 and show the restaurants that our food critic does matter! 335 00:13:32,395 --> 00:13:34,523 Yeah, let's go! 336 00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,365 All right, follow me! 337 00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:38,075 This way, everyone! 338 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:56,886 Another local business is closing its doors tonight 339 00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:59,131 after being taken down by Yelp reviewers. 340 00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:01,553 Whistlin' Willy's, a child favorite in town, 341 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:04,143 was destroyed and its owner stripped and beheaded. 342 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,388 The following video is graphic. 343 00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,890 No, please! No, no, no, no, no! 344 00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:39,046 We all loved Whistlin' Willy's. 345 00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,889 It didn't do well with Yelpers. 346 00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:43,474 You assholes destroyed the best place in town 347 00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:44,888 because they wouldn't kiss your asses! 348 00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:46,602 Oh, come on, admit it ... The food sucked. 349 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,016 Nobody went for the fucking food! 350 00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:49,684 Look, I'm sorry guys, 351 00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:52,025 but Whistlin' Willy failed to recognize the influence 352 00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:54,109 someone like me has on their business. 353 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:56,901 Now I just have one question for you, David. 354 00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:00,821 Do you ride 355 00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:06,290 your teeny, tiny bicicleta to school? 356 00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:10,411 Si. Me ride mi teeny bicicleta to school. 357 00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:14,338 You're done. 358 00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:15,752 Yeah, I'm done! 359 00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:18,046 I'm now the leader of thousands of people! 360 00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:19,840 They all hang on my every word. 361 00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:21,884 And I'm gonna use my power to finally get 362 00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:24,473 what this town really needs. 363 00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:30,806 I found the waitstaff at Red Lobster to be rude 364 00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,149 and barely even acknowledging who I was 365 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,234 or what I meant to this city. 366 00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:37,069 Gerald, I'm taking Ike to clown school. 367 00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:38,187 You care to join us? 368 00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:39,655 I can't, honey. 369 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:42,366 I'm now the leader of thousands of people. 370 00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:44,281 They all hang on my every word. 371 00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:46,621 And I'm going to use my power 372 00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:49,991 to finally get what this town really needs. 373 00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:05,723 For the fifth day in a row, 374 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:09,219 historic Shi Tpa Town is under siege by Yelp reviewers. 375 00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:12,096 The restaurants are still refusing to be intimidated, 376 00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:13,097 and the Yelp reviewers are... 377 00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:18,190 ...and the Yelp reviewers are preparing for all-out war. 378 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:21,281 The angry Yelp reviewers are demanding special treatment 379 00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:22,774 at all city restaurants. 380 00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:24,697 They claim that as local food critics, 381 00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,821 they deserve respect and that all who oppose them will suffer. 382 00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:29,947 The online restaurant critics are getting ready 383 00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:31,574 to bring businesses to their knees, 384 00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:33,451 and some are already closing their doors. 385 00:16:33,576 --> 00:16:36,455 One local restaurant worker actually called out 386 00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:37,796 the Yelp critics' leader. 387 00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:39,666 I guess you win, huh, big shot? 388 00:16:39,790 --> 00:16:42,509 If you really are any kind of important anybody, 389 00:16:42,627 --> 00:16:44,470 then get your bullshit food-critic ass 390 00:16:44,587 --> 00:16:46,589 to the south of town and face me, 391 00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:47,385 because you aren't a food critic, 392 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,305 and you aren't important! 393 00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:53,055 And unless you're a chicken, I'll see you south of town. 394 00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:54,351 Where you going, sir? 395 00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:55,598 You heard him. 396 00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:57,396 Little Mexican kid called me out. 397 00:16:57,517 --> 00:17:00,487 He wants to fight me, that's fine. 398 00:17:00,603 --> 00:17:01,820 You need backup, sir? 399 00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:03,485 No. He's just calling me out. 400 00:17:03,606 --> 00:17:07,076 - God bless you, sir. - I know! 401 00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,039 David! Dude, wait! 402 00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:14,250 Dude, you don't want to do this. 403 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,994 You don't know what Cartman's capable of. 404 00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:18,371 Where I come from, we settle things with our fists. 405 00:17:18,496 --> 00:17:20,498 But this isn't Mexico. 406 00:17:20,623 --> 00:17:22,421 I'm not from Mexico, dude! 407 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:23,839 I'm from Idaho! 408 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,383 I'm gonna show this prick how we do things in Boise. 409 00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:28,381 Oh, hello, David! 410 00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:32,469 All right, you've got your army. 411 00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:33,936 You've got your followers. 412 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,521 If you're such a great leader, 413 00:17:35,638 --> 00:17:37,515 then just tell the city what you want, fat-ass! 414 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,358 Don't call me fat, son. 415 00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:41,022 I'm doing this because ... 416 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:44,443 What I want is to be able to lead these fine people 417 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:45,816 with the respect and the dignity ... 418 00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,159 I didn't ask to be the leader. I was appointed! 419 00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:51,280 You see, I'm extremely important to this town, and I'm not ... 420 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,247 My journey as this town's food ... 421 00:17:57,368 --> 00:17:59,666 You've made these people feel unwanted, 422 00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:01,505 and now they look to me for answers. 423 00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:04,466 Now here I stand, vulnerable, afraid, 424 00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:06,382 and yet willing to do what the people of this ... 425 00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,630 And so we said to hell with it! 426 00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:12,509 And we took the challenge to go from the town's food critics 427 00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:14,431 to the town's spiritual leaders. 428 00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:15,599 What do we want? 429 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,848 People would say, "Oh, you're just a food blogger. 430 00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:20,066 You're just a tiny voice in the crowd." 431 00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:23,686 Well, now my voice is heard, and I will ... 432 00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:26,696 ...wanted special privileges, 433 00:18:26,814 --> 00:18:28,361 but these people think I should have them. 434 00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:29,779 Right, guys? 435 00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:31,402 Maybe I don't deserve special treatment, 436 00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:34,030 but how else can I be the elite food critic they want? 437 00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:41,045 Every person here thinks this is about them. 438 00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:42,880 I think I know what to do. 439 00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:45,295 Yeah. Me, too. 440 00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:49,387 And for all your service to this community, 441 00:18:49,503 --> 00:18:52,723 we want to once and for all declare you 442 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,888 our most elite food critic. 443 00:18:55,009 --> 00:18:59,981 To distinguish you, we present to you the golden badge. 444 00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:03,442 Wearing this badge means you will always get 445 00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:06,483 the special treatment that you deserve. 446 00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:14,278 Thank you, Mayor. 447 00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:17,782 It's a big responsibility, but I suppose I have to accept. 448 00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:19,955 I will do my best to serve this town. 449 00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:22,204 We know you will. 450 00:19:24,914 --> 00:19:26,666 Okay, bring in the next one. 451 00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:31,383 Mr. Davis, you have proven yourself a leader. 452 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:34,257 And for all your service to this community, 453 00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:36,976 we want to once and for all declare you 454 00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:39,642 our most elite food critic. 455 00:19:39,762 --> 00:19:42,641 To distinguish you, we present the golden badge. 456 00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:43,687 Wow! 457 00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:46,061 Wearing this badge means you will always get 458 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,983 the special treatment you deserve. 459 00:19:52,358 --> 00:19:54,235 All right, we got all the restaurants 460 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:57,113 to agree to let the Yelpers in and make them feel special. 461 00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:59,036 How did you do it, son? 462 00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:01,079 Ah, yes. The steak, please. 463 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,998 I'm the, uh, Yelp elite. 464 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,872 All right, we got a Yelper. Give it that special attention. 465 00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:07,498 You got it! 466 00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:58,307 What's that spice that feels tangy on my tongue? 467 00:20:58,424 --> 00:20:59,846 Oh, that's a yuzu pepper... 468 00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:02,061 along with some boogers and cum. 469 00:21:02,178 --> 00:21:03,225 Here you are, sir. 470 00:21:03,345 --> 00:21:05,473 Thank you, David. That's good service. 471 00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:07,271 I will bring you food every day, my friend. 472 00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:09,485 Mmm, is that a jalapeño cream sauce? 473 00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:11,730 Yes. My father made it just for you. 474 00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:14,698 Mmm. It's tart, but savory. 475 00:21:22,907 --> 00:21:25,581 Your stomach seems to be filled with boogers and cum. 476 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:56,000 Ripped & Corrected By mstoll