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* The Simpsons *
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It's dark.
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Hey.
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Oh.
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D'oh!
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♪♪
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♪♪
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♪♪
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Three, two, one,
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Happy New Year!
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Of school!
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00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:05,250
What are you doing?
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It's the first day
of school!
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You're the government's problem,
now!
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- Yeah!
- Yeah!
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Free at last.
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Free at last.
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Oh, I can't believe we have
to start another year of school.
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I never learned anything
at that suck shack.
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- Who taught you that language?
- Kid at school.
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So you did learn something.
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Oh, Homie, the insurance
bill is due today.
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Can you make sure
to mail it?
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Absolutely. Insurance
is the greatest deal ever.
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If I get hurt, I get paid.
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And, man, do I get hurt.
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Oh.
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Oh! Aah!
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D'oh!
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Easy…
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00:02:50,545 --> 00:02:51,545
Ow! Ow!
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D'oh!
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What is it?
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Oh, no! Not again!
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D'oh!
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D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!
D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!
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What a week.
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Welcome to another school year.
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One important note:
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the flower-based names
of the reading groups
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are now barnyard-based.
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Mr. Becker
has protested the move,
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so his group will remain
the Daffodils.
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Yeah! Where are
my Dils at?
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Go, Dils! Go, Dils! Go, Dils!
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I never tire of that.
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Uh, one other announcement:
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at the end of the month,
we'll be participating
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in the Vice President's
Assessment Test.
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He stinks!
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We're assessing you,
not him.
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Withdrawn.
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The V.P.A.T. is part
of the federal government's
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"No Child Left Alone Act."
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It'll be a rewarding day
of pencil-sharpening
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and eyes-on-your-own-
paper-keeping.
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Cut the horse bull, Seymour.
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Your scores on this test
will determine how much money
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this suck shack gets
for years to come.
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So we will spend every moment
of the next two weeks
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drilling the questions
and answers
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into your soft little skulls.
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* Shy is to gregarious *
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* As peaceful
is to bellicose… *
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Okay, children, the answers
to this standardized test
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fall into 12 basic patterns.
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Repeat after me:
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Accaca, dabacca, accacaca.
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Accaca, dabacca, accacaca.
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Number two.
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Dacacca, adada, badacad.
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Dacacca, adada, badacad.
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- Biggest city in Montana!
- Helena?
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Wrong!
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- Waah!
- Ooh!
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912 divided by six!
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You can't teach this way.
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Yes, I can! Hah!
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00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,311
Studies show
it works! Wah!
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Where were
these studies conducted?
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Ball State!
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So, when you take
your practice test,
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take your #2 pencil and…
84
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What kind of pencil
do we take again?
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#2. Take a #2.
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Looks like you took a big #2.
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Yes, quite so. As you can see,
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I'm holding
a big #2 in my hands,
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enjoying the weight
and feel of it.
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Whoo-hoo!
Test day at last!
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00:05:47,972 --> 00:05:50,475
Now I can show off
at the federal level!
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Hey, Bart,
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on the practice test yesterday,
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what did you pick
as the best title
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for the paragraph
about Manifest Destiny?
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Slurp my snot.
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I wrote "slurp my snot" in
the ovals on the answer sheet.
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00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:03,321
- True story.
- Dad!
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Bart's throwing
away his future!
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Oh, no! Now who will sell
oranges on the off-ramp?
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- Yeah!
- Hey!
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00:06:12,121 --> 00:06:13,790
Oh, great jokes
make me hungry.
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I wonder what's
in the pantry.
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Hmm. Mmm.
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Ooh.
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Wait a minute.
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Wait a minute.
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Bart, we need to talk to you
about your practice test.
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I warned you.
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You got a perfect score.
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Wonderful job, son,
just stellar!
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00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:56,207
- How did I do?
- 96.
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- What did I get wrong?
- Several answers.
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Several?
That's more than a few,
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and almost a bunch.
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Bart, because of your
superior intellect…
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No, but wait, I
aced the math part,
right? Because…
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Yeah. Run along, now.
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Bart, you and the other
perfect-scoring superstars
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are exempt from taking
the actual test today.
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No test?
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Don't be too disappointed.
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We are throwing you
a pizza party
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at a bowling alley.
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Well, it's about time.
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Come. Your helicopter awaits.
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Check it out!
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Bart's a superstar, too!
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- Bart's here!
- Awesome!
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Wait a minute.
This ain't no genius copter.
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This is Con Air!
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Take it away, Willie.
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Enjoy your flight!
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Brilliant plan to remove
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all the underperformers
for test day, sir.
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Yes. All of them.
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Why, Seymour, it seems I left
my sunglasses on the bus.
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00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:01,939
Well, I'd best
retrieve them.
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Yeah, yes, you'd best.
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Sir?
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So long, superstars!
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I can't believe it.
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Superintendent Chalmers
betrayed me.
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After all the wrapping paper
I bought from his daughter.
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Pizza party! Pizza party!
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Helicopter!
Helicopter!
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Stop it!
All of you!
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What's the matter, superstar?
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Feeling sorry for the normals?
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Don't you get it?
There is no pizza party.
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This isn't a helicopter.
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No pizza party?
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Not a helicopter?
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Let me explain this to you
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in terms even the simplest
will understand.
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We're hiding you in Capital City
for the day
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so your numbskullery
won't drag down the test scores
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00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:05,169
of the children
who are our future.
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- Told you.
-Will there be
other numbskulls there?
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00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:10,007
Sort of a numbskull Olympics,
as it were?
161
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Let's all act stupid!
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00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:16,556
Guys, guys, save it
for the competition.
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ID, please?
164
00:09:22,478 --> 00:09:25,356
Hmm. Must be
in the glove box.
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Huh?
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00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:31,028
This was due two weeks ago.
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I'm not insured!
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For the first time in my life
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I'm financially responsible
for my own actions!
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Uninsured! Uninsured!
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Idiot.
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I'm not in good hands!
I'm in no hands!
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Like a bad neighbor,
no one is there!
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Dear stupid insurance company,
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I meant to mail this on time.
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What do you mean, "too bad"?
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Screw you!
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Heh heh.
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Oh, I won't be insured
until 3:00!
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00:10:10,359 --> 00:10:13,029
Okay, until then I have
to avoid any serious injuries
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or accidents on my property,
or I'm ruined!
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D'oh!
183
00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:18,784
Oh, no, you don't!
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00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:28,210
Now, I know some of you
may suffer from test anxiety.
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00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:29,420
Here's a helpful hint.
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00:10:29,503 --> 00:10:32,632
Imagine each question
is a baby chick.
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If you answer wrong,
the chick dies.
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Oh, shut up.
They would've died anyway.
189
00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:43,100
Now, the test will begin
in five, four, three…
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00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:45,645
Oh, my God, we should
have begun four minutes ago!
191
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Go! Go! Go!
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00:10:47,938 --> 00:10:49,690
You can do it, Lisa.
193
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There's nothing in the room
but you and the test.
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00:11:13,422 --> 00:11:15,549
Focus!
195
00:11:16,884 --> 00:11:19,220
Pride is to downfall
196
00:11:19,303 --> 00:11:20,763
as overconfidence is to…
197
00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:26,310
What?
198
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:27,728
They're all equally valid.
199
00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:29,230
But that can't be.
200
00:11:29,313 --> 00:11:31,732
In life, everything
only has one answer.
201
00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:36,112
Piece of cake, huh?
202
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:39,573
Aw! I'm writing on my shirt.
203
00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,205
Hey, Seymour, I just
realized something.
204
00:11:46,288 --> 00:11:48,332
You're stuck
babysitting us losers,
205
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,543
which makes you
the real loser.
206
00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:53,921
For your information,
I am not a loser.
207
00:11:54,004 --> 00:11:55,214
I am a successful principal
208
00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:56,924
who paints houses
in the summertime.
209
00:11:57,007 --> 00:12:00,219
You painted our garage,
and it was peeling by October.
210
00:12:00,302 --> 00:12:03,264
Your dad insisted
I use an inferior primer.
211
00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:05,349
Loser, loser.
212
00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:07,184
Excuse me, Mommy.
I have to go potty.
213
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:09,562
Otto, can you pull over?
214
00:12:09,645 --> 00:12:11,772
Pull over!
215
00:12:11,856 --> 00:12:14,525
Sorry. I was mesmerized
by the little boy's dance.
216
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:21,741
* Yo, I'll tell you what I want,
what I really, really want *
217
00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:23,951
* So tell me what you want,
what you really, really want *
218
00:12:24,034 --> 00:12:25,995
* I'll tell you what I want,
what I really, really want *
219
00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:26,981
* So tell me what you want *
220
00:12:26,996 --> 00:12:27,997
* What you really,
really want… *
221
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,665
Ralph, are you
almost finished?
222
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,584
I finished
before we came in.
223
00:12:33,210 --> 00:12:36,380
All right, now we can get back
on the bus and Ot…
224
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:40,926
All aboard.
225
00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:44,221
Hey, Skinner, want to see
our impression of you?
226
00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:46,807
Well, I guess I could use
an affectionate homage.
227
00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:52,730
All right, stay calm, boys.
228
00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:54,523
Oh, God.
229
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:55,775
We're at the corner
of Cesar Chavez Way
230
00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:57,151
and Martin Luther King
Boulevard.
231
00:12:57,234 --> 00:13:01,113
Ay, caramba!
232
00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:03,574
Homie, what are you
doing home so early?
233
00:13:03,657 --> 00:13:04,742
Marge, I won't bore you
with the truth.
234
00:13:04,825 --> 00:13:06,744
All I can say
is that until 3:00 p.m.,
235
00:13:06,827 --> 00:13:09,371
we must avoid
all accidents and injuries
236
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:10,790
or we're all going
to the poorhouse.
237
00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:13,209
You mean, back to the poorhouse.
238
00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:15,002
Fine. Back.
239
00:13:15,085 --> 00:13:17,880
And we can't let anyone else
get hurt on our property.
240
00:13:17,963 --> 00:13:19,924
I don't want anyone
to ever get hurt.
241
00:13:20,007 --> 00:13:21,342
Me, too, baby,
but we got to get real.
242
00:13:21,425 --> 00:13:23,260
We can discuss it later.
243
00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:26,347
Right now, while you're here,
you can help host my book club.
244
00:13:26,430 --> 00:13:29,225
Book club? That's the most
stupid, boring thing ever.
245
00:13:29,308 --> 00:13:31,352
Oh, thank you.
246
00:13:34,730 --> 00:13:38,192
Now I would never say a bad word
about Cletus and Brandine,
247
00:13:38,275 --> 00:13:41,862
but I hear he's been feeding
slop to another woman's pig.
248
00:13:49,328 --> 00:13:51,789
I've been cleaved.
249
00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:53,332
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
250
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:54,875
We're totally liable.
251
00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:00,506
Oh, yeah.
252
00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:04,844
I mean, no!
253
00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:11,058
Maybe I should just move on
to question 2.
254
00:14:11,141 --> 00:14:14,645
Question 2, using what you
learned in question 1…
255
00:14:17,314 --> 00:14:19,024
Lisa,
256
00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:21,610
like Captain Kirk,
I'm not supposed to interfere.
257
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:24,405
But like T.J. Hooker,
I say what is on my mind.
258
00:14:24,488 --> 00:14:26,991
If you don't know the answer,
just guess.
259
00:14:27,074 --> 00:14:28,868
This test penalizes guessing.
260
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,077
It does?
261
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:31,704
All right, nobody guess.
262
00:14:31,787 --> 00:14:33,414
Just be right.
263
00:14:33,497 --> 00:14:34,665
Get down on your knees,
264
00:14:34,748 --> 00:14:36,667
pray to your god, and ask him
265
00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:39,086
no, demand,
he tell you the answer
266
00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:42,131
and if he won't,
he is no god of yours.
267
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:46,218
What's your plan now, Skin Rash?
268
00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:48,053
My name isn't Skin Rash.
269
00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:50,681
It's Principal Skinner,
and you will address me as such.
270
00:14:50,764 --> 00:14:52,099
Sure thing, Such.
271
00:14:52,182 --> 00:14:54,059
I'll deal with your
insubordinate wordplay later.
272
00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:57,021
My first duty is to get you boys
to safety and that's…
273
00:14:57,104 --> 00:14:58,606
Where's Ralph?
274
00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:02,151
I'm playing with Elmo.
275
00:15:13,537 --> 00:15:17,249
Okay, I just have to keep
these tipsy witches safe
276
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:19,376
for ten more seconds.
277
00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:25,049
Van Johnson was never half
the man Van Heflin was.
278
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:28,052
Knife!
279
00:15:58,749 --> 00:15:59,833
Apaches!
280
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,336
Oh, Mr. Burns.
281
00:16:02,419 --> 00:16:05,756
Why do terrible things always
happen to wonderful people at…
282
00:16:05,839 --> 00:16:07,132
3:01 p.m.?
283
00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:08,717
Which, for the record,
is the correct time.
284
00:16:16,016 --> 00:16:18,352
So, um, plans for the weekend?
285
00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:23,399
Marge, are you mad I forgot
to send in the payment?
286
00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:25,025
No, sweetie.
287
00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:27,111
At this point in a marriage,
a wife should know
288
00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:29,321
what her husband can do
and what he can't.
289
00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,740
Who was I to think you
could mail an envelope?
290
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:34,535
Baby, I hope you got
snuggle insurance
291
00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:37,079
'cause I'm about
to file a claim.
292
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:52,677
Bart, do you have
your slingshot?
293
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:53,539
No, sir.
294
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:54,680
I see it in your
back pocket.
295
00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:56,056
Just don't stretch it out.
296
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:58,434
I was once a boy,
and like all boys…
297
00:16:58,517 --> 00:17:00,728
You like all boys?
Ha, ha!
298
00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:02,730
Shut up.
A child is in danger
299
00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:04,523
under my aegis.
300
00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:06,108
Ha, ha?
301
00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:29,506
Run, Ralph, run!
302
00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:32,259
Okay.
303
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,765
Time to do what
I've never done as principal.
304
00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:39,433
Something.
305
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,775
Skinner's spazzing out.
306
00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:49,359
I'm not spazzing out.
307
00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:52,446
I'm using the principle of
conservation of angular momentum
308
00:17:52,529 --> 00:17:53,906
to turn the container.
309
00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:55,783
Whoa.
310
00:17:56,992 --> 00:17:58,911
That is so cool.
311
00:17:58,994 --> 00:18:00,871
That's the kind of stuff
they should teach in school.
312
00:18:00,954 --> 00:18:02,498
We do teach it in school.
313
00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:05,084
You're too busy eating sugar
snacks and horsing around.
314
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:07,252
He's right.
Learning can teach you things.
315
00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:09,004
Education rules.
316
00:18:19,848 --> 00:18:20,849
Yay!
317
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,601
"But I reckon I got a light out
318
00:18:22,684 --> 00:18:24,436
for the territory
ahead of the rest
319
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:28,982
because Aunt Sally, she's going
to adopt me and civilize me
320
00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:32,027
and I can't stand it.
I've been there before."
321
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,737
That book was awesome.
322
00:18:33,821 --> 00:18:34,905
Yeah.
323
00:18:34,988 --> 00:18:38,117
Next stop:
Springfield Elementary.
324
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,369
Skinner! Otto!
325
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:41,620
Me bullies!
326
00:18:41,703 --> 00:18:43,539
The cowabunga kid.
327
00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:45,541
And the wee nitwit.
328
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,584
It's so good to see you all.
329
00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:54,675
All done.
330
00:18:54,758 --> 00:18:59,680
And I've got two minutes to
take care of these stray marks.
331
00:18:59,763 --> 00:19:01,431
- Well, that's it.
- Uh-huh.
332
00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:03,976
The test is almost over,
and I haven't done a thing.
333
00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:05,185
I've blown my whole future.
334
00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:06,088
Right.
335
00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:07,896
Oh, well.
336
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:12,067
Maybe it will be more fun
to be a regular, average,
337
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:13,193
stay-at-home…
338
00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:15,779
This test is a joke.
339
00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:16,849
Huh?
340
00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:18,031
Skinner?
341
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:20,200
Today, I received
an education
342
00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:22,244
in how children
really learn.
343
00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:24,454
By seeing their principal
run around
344
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:26,373
on top of a shipping container.
345
00:19:26,456 --> 00:19:28,584
So, children,
put down your answer sheet
346
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,377
and drop that #2.
347
00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:33,922
And yes, I know what that means.
348
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:35,465
I've learned so much today.
349
00:19:35,549 --> 00:19:38,635
This is my school,
and I'm throwing out the test.
350
00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:41,722
Hooray!
351
00:19:41,805 --> 00:19:44,057
I'm a brainy outcast again!
352
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:46,185
And finally,
effective immediately,
353
00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:48,312
I'm overturning
this school's ban on dancing!
354
00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:49,688
* Footloose *
355
00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:52,065
* Kicked off your
Sunday shoes *
356
00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:55,027
* Please, Louise *
357
00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:58,030
* Pull me off of my knees *
358
00:19:58,113 --> 00:20:00,699
* Jack, get back *
359
00:20:00,782 --> 00:20:03,493
* Come on, before we crack *
360
00:20:03,577 --> 00:20:06,288
* Lose your blues *
361
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:08,081
* Everybody, cut footloose *
362
00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:10,626
- d Footloose, footloose d
- d Footloose *
363
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:13,170
* Kick off your Sunday shoes *
364
00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:16,048
* Please, Louise *
365
00:20:16,131 --> 00:20:18,967
* Pull me off of my knees *
366
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,553
* Jack, get back *
367
00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:23,722
* Come on, before we crack *
368
00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:27,434
* Lose your blues *
369
00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:31,396
* Everybody, cut footloose! *
370
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:26,493
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