* The Simpsons *
It's dark.
Hey.
Oh.
D'oh!
♪♪
Three, two, one,
Happy New Year!
Of school!
What are you doing?
It's the first day of school!
You're the government's problem, now!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Free at last.
Oh, I can't believe we have to start another year of school.
I never learned anything at that suck shack.
- Who taught you that language? - Kid at school.
So you did learn something.
Oh, Homie, the insurance bill is due today.
Can you make sure to mail it?
Absolutely. Insurance is the greatest deal ever.
If I get hurt, I get paid.
And, man, do I get hurt.
Oh.
Oh! Aah!
D'oh!
Easy…
Ow! Ow!
D'oh!
What is it?
Oh, no! Not again!
D'oh!
D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh!
What a week.
Welcome to another school year.
One important note:
the flower-based names of the reading groups
are now barnyard-based.
Mr. Becker has protested the move,
so his group will remain the Daffodils.
Yeah! Where are my Dils at?
Go, Dils! Go, Dils! Go, Dils!
I never tire of that.
Uh, one other announcement:
at the end of the month, we'll be participating
in the Vice President's Assessment Test.
He stinks!
We're assessing you, not him.
Withdrawn.
The V.P.A.T. is part of the federal government's
"No Child Left Alone Act."
It'll be a rewarding day of pencil-sharpening
and eyes-on-your-own- paper-keeping.
Cut the horse bull, Seymour.
Your scores on this test will determine how much money
this suck shack gets for years to come.
So we will spend every moment of the next two weeks
drilling the questions and answers
into your soft little skulls.
* Shy is to gregarious *
* As peaceful is to bellicose… *
Okay, children, the answers to this standardized test
fall into 12 basic patterns.
Repeat after me:
Accaca, dabacca, accacaca.
Number two.
Dacacca, adada, badacad.
- Biggest city in Montana! - Helena?
Wrong!
- Waah! - Ooh!
912 divided by six!
You can't teach this way.
Yes, I can! Hah!
Studies show it works! Wah!
Where were these studies conducted?
Ball State!
So, when you take your practice test,
take your #2 pencil and…
What kind of pencil do we take again?
#2. Take a #2.
Looks like you took a big #2.
Yes, quite so. As you can see,
I'm holding a big #2 in my hands,
enjoying the weight and feel of it.
Whoo-hoo! Test day at last!
Now I can show off at the federal level!
Hey, Bart,
on the practice test yesterday,
what did you pick as the best title
for the paragraph about Manifest Destiny?
Slurp my snot.
I wrote "slurp my snot" in the ovals on the answer sheet.
- True story. - Dad!
Bart's throwing away his future!
Oh, no! Now who will sell oranges on the off-ramp?
- Yeah! - Hey!
Oh, great jokes make me hungry.
I wonder what's in the pantry.
Hmm. Mmm.
Ooh.
Wait a minute.
Bart, we need to talk to you about your practice test.
I warned you.
You got a perfect score.
Wonderful job, son, just stellar!
- How did I do? - 96.
- What did I get wrong? - Several answers.
Several? That's more than a few,
and almost a bunch.
Bart, because of your superior intellect…
No, but wait, I aced the math part, right? Because…
Yeah. Run along, now.
Bart, you and the other perfect-scoring superstars
are exempt from taking the actual test today.
No test?
Don't be too disappointed.
We are throwing you a pizza party
at a bowling alley.
Well, it's about time.
Come. Your helicopter awaits.
Check it out!
Bart's a superstar, too!
- Bart's here! - Awesome!
Wait a minute. This ain't no genius copter.
This is Con Air!
Take it away, Willie.
Enjoy your flight!
Brilliant plan to remove
all the underperformers for test day, sir.
Yes. All of them.
Why, Seymour, it seems I left my sunglasses on the bus.
Well, I'd best retrieve them.
Yeah, yes, you'd best.
Sir?
So long, superstars!
I can't believe it.
Superintendent Chalmers betrayed me.
After all the wrapping paper I bought from his daughter.
Pizza party! Pizza party!
Helicopter! Helicopter!
Stop it! All of you!
What's the matter, superstar?
Feeling sorry for the normals?
Don't you get it? There is no pizza party.
This isn't a helicopter.
No pizza party?
Not a helicopter?
Let me explain this to you
in terms even the simplest will understand.
We're hiding you in Capital City for the day
so your numbskullery won't drag down the test scores
of the children who are our future.
- Told you. -Will there be other numbskulls there?
Sort of a numbskull Olympics, as it were?
Let's all act stupid!
Guys, guys, save it for the competition.
ID, please?
Hmm. Must be in the glove box.
Huh?
This was due two weeks ago.
I'm not insured!
For the first time in my life
I'm financially responsible for my own actions!
Uninsured! Uninsured!
Idiot.
I'm not in good hands! I'm in no hands!
Like a bad neighbor, no one is there!
Dear stupid insurance company,
I meant to mail this on time.
What do you mean, "too bad"?
Screw you!
Heh heh.
Oh, I won't be insured until 3:00!
Okay, until then I have to avoid any serious injuries
or accidents on my property, or I'm ruined!
D'oh!
Oh, no, you don't!
Now, I know some of you may suffer from test anxiety.
Here's a helpful hint.
Imagine each question is a baby chick.
If you answer wrong, the chick dies.
Oh, shut up. They would've died anyway.
Now, the test will begin in five, four, three…
Oh, my God, we should have begun four minutes ago!
Go! Go! Go!
You can do it, Lisa.
There's nothing in the room but you and the test.
Focus!
Pride is to downfall
as overconfidence is to…
What?
They're all equally valid.
But that can't be.
In life, everything only has one answer.
Piece of cake, huh?
Aw! I'm writing on my shirt.
Hey, Seymour, I just realized something.
You're stuck babysitting us losers,
which makes you the real loser.
For your information, I am not a loser.
I am a successful principal
who paints houses in the summertime.
You painted our garage, and it was peeling by October.
Your dad insisted I use an inferior primer.
Loser, loser.
Excuse me, Mommy. I have to go potty.
Otto, can you pull over?
Pull over!
Sorry. I was mesmerized by the little boy's dance.
* Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want *
* So tell me what you want, what you really, really want *
* I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want *
* So tell me what you want *
* What you really, really want… *
Ralph, are you almost finished?
I finished before we came in.
All right, now we can get back on the bus and Ot…
All aboard.
Hey, Skinner, want to see our impression of you?
Well, I guess I could use an affectionate homage.
All right, stay calm, boys.
Oh, God.
We're at the corner of Cesar Chavez Way
and Martin Luther King Boulevard.
Ay, caramba!
Homie, what are you doing home so early?
Marge, I won't bore you with the truth.
All I can say is that until 3:00 p.m.,
we must avoid all accidents and injuries
or we're all going to the poorhouse.
You mean, back to the poorhouse.
Fine. Back.
And we can't let anyone else get hurt on our property.
I don't want anyone to ever get hurt.
Me, too, baby, but we got to get real.
We can discuss it later.
Right now, while you're here, you can help host my book club.
Book club? That's the most stupid, boring thing ever.
Oh, thank you.
Now I would never say a bad word about Cletus and Brandine,
but I hear he's been feeding slop to another woman's pig.
I've been cleaved.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
We're totally liable.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, no!
Maybe I should just move on to question 2.
Question 2, using what you learned in question 1…
Lisa,
like Captain Kirk, I'm not supposed to interfere.
But like T.J. Hooker, I say what is on my mind.
If you don't know the answer, just guess.
This test penalizes guessing.
It does?
All right, nobody guess.
Just be right.
Get down on your knees,
pray to your god, and ask him
no, demand, he tell you the answer
and if he won't, he is no god of yours.
What's your plan now, Skin Rash?
My name isn't Skin Rash.
It's Principal Skinner, and you will address me as such.
Sure thing, Such.
I'll deal with your insubordinate wordplay later.
My first duty is to get you boys to safety and that's…
Where's Ralph?
I'm playing with Elmo.
Okay, I just have to keep these tipsy witches safe
for ten more seconds.
Van Johnson was never half the man Van Heflin was.
Knife!
Apaches!
Oh, Mr. Burns.
Why do terrible things always happen to wonderful people at…
3:01 p.m.?
Which, for the record, is the correct time.
So, um, plans for the weekend?
Marge, are you mad I forgot to send in the payment?
No, sweetie.
At this point in a marriage, a wife should know
what her husband can do and what he can't.
Who was I to think you could mail an envelope?
Baby, I hope you got snuggle insurance
'cause I'm about to file a claim.
Bart, do you have your slingshot?
No, sir.
I see it in your back pocket.
Just don't stretch it out.
I was once a boy, and like all boys…
You like all boys? Ha, ha!
Shut up. A child is in danger
under my aegis.
Ha, ha?
Run, Ralph, run!
Okay.
Time to do what I've never done as principal.
Something.
Skinner's spazzing out.
I'm not spazzing out.
I'm using the principle of conservation of angular momentum
to turn the container.
Whoa.
That is so cool.
That's the kind of stuff they should teach in school.
We do teach it in school.
You're too busy eating sugar snacks and horsing around.
He's right. Learning can teach you things.
Education rules.
Yay!
"But I reckon I got a light out
for the territory ahead of the rest
because Aunt Sally, she's going to adopt me and civilize me
and I can't stand it. I've been there before."
That book was awesome.
Yeah.
Next stop: Springfield Elementary.
Skinner! Otto!
Me bullies!
The cowabunga kid.
And the wee nitwit.
It's so good to see you all.
All done.
And I've got two minutes to take care of these stray marks.
- Well, that's it. - Uh-huh.
The test is almost over, and I haven't done a thing.
I've blown my whole future.
Right.
Oh, well.
Maybe it will be more fun to be a regular, average,
stay-at-home…
This test is a joke.
Huh?
Skinner?
Today, I received an education
in how children really learn.
By seeing their principal run around
on top of a shipping container.
So, children, put down your answer sheet
and drop that #2.
And yes, I know what that means.
I've learned so much today.
This is my school, and I'm throwing out the test.
Hooray!
I'm a brainy outcast again!
And finally, effective immediately,
I'm overturning this school's ban on dancing!
* Footloose *
* Kicked off your Sunday shoes *
* Please, Louise *
* Pull me off of my knees *
* Jack, get back *
* Come on, before we crack *
* Lose your blues *
* Everybody, cut footloose *
- d Footloose, footloose d - d Footloose *
* Kick off your Sunday shoes *
* Please, Louise *
* Pull me off of my knees *
* Jack, get back *
* Come on, before we crack *
* Lose your blues *
* Everybody, cut footloose! *
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