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* The Simpsons *
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D'oh!
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For centuries, man has been
ruled by science and industry.
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But that era is drawing
to a close.
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We stand on the cusp
of a new epoch:
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one of prophecy, puzzles
and signs in the sky.
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And that epoch begins today!
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Our top story:
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Today, Springfield will
experience
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a rare total eclipse of the sun.
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A solar eclipse is like a woman
breast-feeding in a restaurant:
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It's free, it's beautiful,
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but under no circumstances
should you look at it.
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We recommend using a homemade
"camera obscura,"
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fashioned from an ordinary
shoebox and paper towel tube…
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This was supposed
to be pre-made!
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Fine, I'll do it myself.
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Where's the end
of the frickin' tape?!
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Forget it…
we'll do it next week.
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The eclipse is today.
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There's an eclipse when
I say there's an eclipse!
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Okay, people,
we've hit penumbra.
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Brace yourself for umbra.
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I'm gonna see it first!
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No, I'm gonna see it first!
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Hit the road,
you big load!
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My space toy!
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Oh, it's okay, Homie…
you can have my viewer.
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But Mom, you'll
miss the eclipse.
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There'll be another one
in North Yemen in 2027.
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We have totality, people!
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We'll be talking about
this as a family for years.
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For years…
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I finally feel like part of the
family.
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Ooh, I can't miss out!
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Just one little peek.
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It's beautiful!
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Now Marge, your eyes must stay
completely covered
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for two full weeks.
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Don't worry, honey, I'll be
your "seeing-eye Homer."
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We're in some kind
of doctor room,
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bunch of stuff on the walls…
it's kind of hard to describe…
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Um, I'm gonna
take my break now.
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Now Simpsons, I must warn you…
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any stress could increase
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the blood pressure
in Marge's eyeballs,
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leading to what we call
"Tex Avery Syndrome."
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Wolves are taking all our women.
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You guys have treated me
like a princess.
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Every day's been like the first
ten minutes of Mother's Day.
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You just rest those rods
and coddle those cones.
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Everything's taken care of.
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Ah.
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Dad, come in the kitchen,
quick.
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Is there any other way
to enter a kitchen?
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Ah, rats in the kitchen.
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Just like that delightful movie
I taped in the theater.
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He's controlling me
with my hair,
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using me to cook a delicious
sole meunière
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with a celery root puree
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and carrots Vichy.
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Hmm, this is good.
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Good, but not great.
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I'll go get some rat poison.
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Here you go.
This'll kill those dirty rats.
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And the clean ones, too.
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Oh, that's not candy,
sweetheart.
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What is it with kids and
candy-colored poison, huh?
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No, you stupid dog,
that's Maggie's bunny.
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Not in front of the poison man!
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Whoever biting me, stop it!
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Why did I bring the baby and
the dog to the poison store?
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Oh, how am I gonna get us
all across this river?
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A boat!
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Oh, we're too heavy.
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Let's see: I need to get the
baby, the dog, and the poison
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across the river, but I can
only take one thing at a time.
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I can't leave the baby alone
with the poison,
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and I can't leave the dog
alone with the baby.
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Can't someone help me
with this puzzle?
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Professor Frink,
help me figure this out.
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Yo, over here!
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What…?
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Great time to nap, Einstein.
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Okay, Maggie, dog, poison,
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you're all involved,
so listen up.
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First I row Maggie over,
leaving the dog and the poison.
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Then I row back alone,
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take the poison over
and bring Maggie back.
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Then I take the dog over,
come back, get Maggie,
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row across, and before I
know it, I'm back at home.
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Were you listening at all?
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Sir,
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I'd be obliged to you
if you'd help me puzzle out
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my fox, duck and corn situation.
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Well, the puzzle done
puzzled itself out.
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Now, I need to leave you
where you'll be safe.
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Under the watchful eyes of God.
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And I'll be watching you, too,
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in case God's busy making
tornadoes or not existing.
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I see you!
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I see you!
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I see…
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Look at that…
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one of God's
discarded miracles.
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Catholics!
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Give me my baby back!
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Sir, our mission is quite clear.
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Why would you leave such a
beautiful baby on our doorstep?
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'Cause she was fighting my dog
and stealing my poison.
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Now give her back
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so I can take her home
to my rat-infested house!
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Then the poor dear is
right where she belongs.
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Come on, lady, have a heart.
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I'm sure your husband does
stupid things sometimes!
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I'm married to Jesus.
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Yeah, right!
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And I'm married
to Wonder Woman!
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Kids, I have to tell
your mom I lost Maggie.
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But Dr. Hibbert said
not to stress her out.
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Wait, I have an idea!
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One of us can
go undercover as a nun
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and infiltrate
the convent.
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Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
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There is no way Homer Simpson's
going to put on a dress
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and act like a nun.
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Told you there was no
way I would do it.
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Are you sure you don't
want me to do it?
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'Cause I can do it.
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I got the outfit
right here. Huh?
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Dad, leave so I can
get into character.
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Hello.
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I'm a poor little sinner
who's lost her way.
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May I join your order?
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How do you feel about kneeling?
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- Can't get enough.
- You're in.
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Finally, you must
wear your habit
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modestly at all times,
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not like Sister Marilyn.
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Ooh!
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The nursery.
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* If you're happy and you
know it, that's a sin *
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* If you're happy
and you know it, that's a sin *
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Where's Maggie?
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Mother Superior, are those all
the babies in our orphanage?
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Looking for more
unwanted babies, are ya?
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Well, next week's
nine months after the prom.
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They'll be stacked
up to the ceiling.
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No, I was just thinking
you might have some
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in the back
you haven't put out yet.
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Oh, a Doubting Thomas,
are you?
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Well, more of a Curious George.
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Well, little monkey, it's time
for you to spend some time
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with the Man
in the Yellow Hat.
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Why would Mother Superior lie
to me about not having Maggie?
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What is going on?
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A jewel!
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Why would nuns want a jewel?
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Find the jewel,
find what you desire.
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The jewel will lead me
to my baby sister?
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Why are you telling me this?
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Because I'm sick
of that Mother Superior.
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Whenever we play football,
she has to be quarterback.
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Now, you must solve
a series of clues.
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You mean an increasingly
difficult series
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of challenges to my intellect?
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That's so cool.
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- Plus, you find your sister.
- Oh, sure.
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Your first clue.
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And before you decide
to become a nun, consider this:
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I am only 23!
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"Quaerite Deum in corde
et anima." That's Latin.
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"Deum" is God and of course
"Quaerite" means seek…
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"Seek God with heart and soul."
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"Heart and Soul!"
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* I fell in love with you,
heart and soul *
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Homie, I haven't
held Maggie all day.
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Can you hand her to me?
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Um…
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No problem, sweetie.
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Ooh, Mommy's little baby
is getting big and chubby.
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Who's a chubby baby?
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But that doesn't mean that you
can't have a little dinner.
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Hmm. You're not usually
this greedy.
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Cool it. She's
getting suspicious.
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You cool it. I'm hungry!
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A cryptic message.
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Maybe this will lead me
to the gem.
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Hmm, what if I read
every other word?
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"One More Time
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Your Hopeless
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Try Again Numb Skull"?!
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That's not very nice.
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I will try again, but not
because the wall told me to.
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"Turn Around
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Seek Springfield's Biggest
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Man Made Ring."
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Big ring… Big ring…
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So many rings.
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But which one is the key
to finding the gem?
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♪♪
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Well? Did you get it?
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No. I'm not a smart nerd.
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I'm just a weak nerd.
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00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:09,895
The biggest ring
in Springfield
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00:12:09,979 --> 00:12:13,315
comes from the bell
in the Springfield Bell Tower!
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00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:14,900
Oh…
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00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:23,451
Good night, Bart.
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00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:25,536
I'll be right in, Lisa!
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Good night, Lisa.
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00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:41,469
Good night!
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00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:44,930
Ooh, jazz!
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00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,727
Keep going and I'll scat.
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00:12:49,810 --> 00:12:51,437
* Skee-biddy-be-bop-bop-boo! *
215
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,355
* Da-da-duddle-duddle
dee-dee-dee *
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00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:54,815
* De-duddle-lee-duddle-lee
duddle-lee *
217
00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:56,192
* Duddle-lee-dee-doo! *
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00:13:01,739 --> 00:13:02,740
Ha!
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00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:03,991
Principal Skinner?
220
00:13:04,074 --> 00:13:05,117
Comic Book Guy?
221
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,368
What are you doing here?
222
00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:07,536
Following you.
223
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,371
We seek the gem
of St. Teresa.
224
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:10,539
Oh.
225
00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,583
Well, I seek it so I
can find my sister.
226
00:13:12,666 --> 00:13:14,376
How do you know
about the gem?
227
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:16,587
We are an ancient order
of mystery buffs
228
00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:19,548
who hide in shadow
and call ourselves
229
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,675
"The Brethren of the Quest."
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00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:24,428
Because we do our sleuthing in
Mother's Nissan Quest Minivan.
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00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,972
- Tell me all you
know about the gem.
-Never!
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00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:29,683
Does your mother know
you're using her minivan?
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00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:31,602
You see, legend has it
that on her deathbed,
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St. Teresa of Avila
had a vision of a jewel
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that would usher in an era
of peace and harmony.
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She dispatched a team
of nuns to the New World
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to seek this fabulous gem.
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They landed
at what is now Philadelphia…
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and used the timbers of their
ship to construct a convent.
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00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:10,266
The order flourished, never
forgetting its sacred mission.
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00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:12,101
But word about the gem got out.
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00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:15,312
And a group of high-ranking
Freemasons
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00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:17,898
led by Benjamin Franklin,
George Washington
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00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:21,861
and King George III, staged
a phony war of "independence"
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to cover their search
for the gem.
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00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:36,792
Fleeing the violence, the nuns
of St. Teresa's left
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00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:40,838
the colonies and settled here
in Springfield.
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00:14:40,921 --> 00:14:42,673
Legend and
Wikipedia have it
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00:14:42,756 --> 00:14:43,924
that the gem
will be revealed
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00:14:44,008 --> 00:14:47,469
during the first full moon
after a solar eclipse.
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00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:48,539
That's tonight!
252
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:49,889
Adoy!
253
00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:53,767
One question remains:
Why did you come here?
254
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:56,312
Because I cleverly deduced
the answer
255
00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:58,105
to Springfield's biggest ring.
256
00:14:58,188 --> 00:14:59,732
Voila!
257
00:14:59,815 --> 00:15:01,984
Well, it gives me
no pleasure to say…
258
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:04,945
your deduction
was faulty!
259
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,992
This is a fake
papier-mâché bell.
260
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:11,744
The real bell was melted down
261
00:15:11,827 --> 00:15:14,038
in World War II
to make Civil War chess sets,
262
00:15:14,121 --> 00:15:15,664
four of which I own.
263
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,833
Oh, my God!
264
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:21,045
I know what the biggest "ring"
in "Springfield" is.
265
00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:23,547
It's been right in front of us
the whole time.
266
00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:25,466
Ah. Ah, yes, I see it!
267
00:15:25,549 --> 00:15:27,259
I-I see it, too.
268
00:15:27,343 --> 00:15:29,094
Let's, uh, head that way.
269
00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:32,598
We'll walk or drive
to the obvious solution.
270
00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:40,689
Oh, the word
"ring"!
271
00:15:46,570 --> 00:15:47,905
Well, well,
272
00:15:47,988 --> 00:15:50,741
if it isn't the Tardy Boys
and Nancy Clueless.
273
00:15:50,824 --> 00:15:53,494
Mr. Burns!
What are you doing here?
274
00:15:53,577 --> 00:15:55,371
Oh, I've known
about the gem for years.
275
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:56,830
You see, my dear girl,
276
00:15:56,914 --> 00:15:59,708
I joined the Freemasons
before it was trendy.
277
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,126
That's my eyeball
on the dollar bill.
278
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:02,920
That's also my pyramid.
279
00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:04,672
Hence I trailed you
on your quest,
280
00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:07,216
accompanied by my
faithful albino.
281
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:09,760
I keep telling you,
I'm not an albino.
282
00:16:09,843 --> 00:16:11,929
I just use a lot
of sun block.
283
00:16:12,012 --> 00:16:14,306
Then why do I give you all
the albino holidays off?
284
00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:15,766
Hmm? Hmm?!
285
00:16:15,849 --> 00:16:17,726
Look, there's
writing on the R!
286
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:20,020
Oh, everything is "writing"
to you young people!
287
00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:22,022
From this angle,
they're words!
288
00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:24,149
"Great…
289
00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:25,177
crimes…
290
00:16:25,192 --> 00:16:26,193
kill…
291
00:16:26,276 --> 00:16:27,736
Holy…
292
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:28,904
sage"!
293
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,489
"Great crimes
kill holy sage"?!
294
00:16:30,572 --> 00:16:31,740
The puzzle is solved!
295
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,409
We must warn the
holy sage at once!
296
00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:35,119
No, that's not it!
297
00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:39,790
A secret message this awkwardly-
worded is always an anagram.
298
00:16:39,873 --> 00:16:41,959
Fine. Then you
unscramble those letters
299
00:16:42,042 --> 00:16:43,961
to spell out the
location of the gem…
300
00:16:44,044 --> 00:16:47,256
while you two dig
your own graves.
301
00:16:51,468 --> 00:16:53,804
Superman, I have believed in you
for years.
302
00:16:53,887 --> 00:16:55,597
If you can hear me now,
303
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:58,892
please come help me dig
this giant grave.
304
00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:01,562
♪♪
305
00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:07,234
So, the anagram spells:
306
00:17:07,317 --> 00:17:11,822
"Regally, the rock gem is…
307
00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:13,741
Lisa?"
308
00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:16,744
So, the gem is
inside you?
309
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:19,204
Sir, stop!
She is the gem!
310
00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:20,497
Of course.
311
00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:22,583
St. Teresa wouldn't be
interested in a mere bauble.
312
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:24,835
Her greatest treasure would be
a pure young girl.
313
00:17:24,918 --> 00:17:26,837
You are pure, aren't you?
314
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:28,589
Does kissing Milhouse count?
315
00:17:28,672 --> 00:17:29,616
No.
316
00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:30,966
It all adds up.
317
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:34,219
I am the gem that will bring
world peace!
318
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:36,555
How brilliant of God to remove
my skepticism
319
00:17:36,638 --> 00:17:38,807
by making me his chosen one!
320
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,893
According to legend,
the gem must be brought
321
00:17:40,976 --> 00:17:43,479
to the convent by sunrise.
322
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:46,315
We could make it if we took
Mr. Burns's helicopter.
323
00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:48,484
Hmm, I don't really want you
people inside,
324
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:50,402
but you could dangle
from the skids.
325
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:52,029
Deal.
326
00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:54,073
Feels good to help someone,
doesn't it, sir?
327
00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:56,617
No, it feels weird.
328
00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:04,541
* O, Fortuna *
329
00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:06,919
Look who's here!
330
00:18:08,712 --> 00:18:12,925
* Velut luna *
331
00:18:13,008 --> 00:18:15,636
Oh, fine, fine,
finish your song.
332
00:18:15,719 --> 00:18:19,348
I can be patient. After all,
I am the Gem Child.
333
00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:20,682
Hush, you foolish girl!
334
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:21,767
The gem is over there!
335
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:25,339
Maggie?
336
00:18:25,354 --> 00:18:27,523
No, no, no,
the solution was
337
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:29,650
"Regally, the rock
gem is Lisa".
338
00:18:29,733 --> 00:18:30,776
Oh, please.
339
00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:34,279
How many sentences start
with the word "Regally"?
340
00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:35,531
Um, this one?
341
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:37,574
Oh, give me that!
342
00:18:40,577 --> 00:18:44,123
"It's really Maggie, Sherlock."
343
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:46,834
You know, I have to point out
that this only makes sense
344
00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:48,544
if I get the wrong answer first.
345
00:18:48,627 --> 00:18:49,878
I said hush!
346
00:18:53,048 --> 00:18:57,553
Now begins a new era of peace
and prosperity for Springfield.
347
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,446
Come on, man, that's the fifth
call you've missed today.
348
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:18,740
That's it.
You're outta…
349
00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:25,873
Just set it
to "massage."
350
00:19:25,956 --> 00:19:29,126
Oh! Something tells me
351
00:19:29,209 --> 00:19:32,713
the Gem of St. Teresa's been
returned to its throne.
352
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,508
Maggie, it's true!
353
00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:38,719
You are the Gem Child!
354
00:19:38,802 --> 00:19:43,223
Four centuries
of patient sacrifice
has finally paid off.
355
00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:45,184
All is peace and harmony.
356
00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:47,686
Give me my baby back!
357
00:19:47,769 --> 00:19:50,189
Mom! How did you know
Maggie was here?
358
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:51,857
A mother knows!
359
00:19:54,568 --> 00:19:57,321
Maggie, you're coming
home with me!
360
00:19:57,404 --> 00:20:00,199
Mom, wait!
Maggie is the Gem Child!
361
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:02,075
She's brought
peace to our town
362
00:20:02,159 --> 00:20:04,578
and reports of less
road rage in Shelbyville!
363
00:20:04,661 --> 00:20:06,371
She has to stay here!
364
00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:10,375
Well, it would be nice
if the first thing I saw was
365
00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:12,628
a world at peace.
366
00:20:18,842 --> 00:20:21,845
You're even more beautiful
than I remembered.
367
00:20:21,929 --> 00:20:25,557
I'm sorry,
but I know God
would never ask
368
00:20:25,641 --> 00:20:29,770
a mother to sacrifice
her child for the good
of the world…
369
00:20:29,853 --> 00:20:31,271
again.
370
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:35,609
Maybe I'm just
being selfish.
371
00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:37,236
I don't know.
372
00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:40,030
No, Marge, you're the most
giving person I know.
373
00:20:40,113 --> 00:20:42,908
Besides, I gave them
another Gem Child
374
00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:45,577
to sit on their
precious throne.
375
00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:48,455
Step aside, ladies.
I'm bringin' the peace.
376
00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:05,305
I am so staying up
past my bedtime.
377
00:21:55,897 --> 00:21:57,899
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