* The Simpsons *
D'oh!
A home and garden show?
Mom, you said we were going to a video game expo.
You told me we were going
to pick up trash by the freeway.
You told me something, but I wasn't listening.
I'm sorry for fibbing.
Tell you what… if you don't like it,
you can complain all the way home.
Fair enough.
Kids, let's practice.
* Mi-mi-mi-mi. *
- Well, that sucked. - There's a day
- we'll never get back. - I was so bored.
That was good, but, Lisa,
you're still complaining from your throat,
not your diaphragm.
* I was so bored. *
Ooh, look, a welcome mat that tells you
your weight.
Your weight is…
warranty voided.
D'oh!
Oh, my God, look over there.
The Sprinkle King, Sprinkle Queen,
and Deluxe Sprinkle King are the Simon and Garfunkel
plus one of hose-nozzle dispersal arrays.
Observe.
Classic hose-play.
What is that soothing sound?
Maybe it's beef stew.
Hot tubs.
Guys, what's it like?
Getting a back rub from an orgasm.
I want to buy your fanciest hot tub.
Oh, you mean the YouSoup 5,000.
Please, can I get it, Marge, please, please?
I can have all my birthday parties in it.
I'll be less stressed.
And I'm really freaking stressed!
If I'm more relaxed, I'll be a better mom.
Can we, can we?
Wait a minute, who am I pleading with?
- Beats me. - I don't know.
Please, please, please.
Now I know why lobsters let out that joyful squeal
when they're dropped in the pot.
Uh-oh, we're starting to attract swingers.
- All right. - Oh, yeah.
- Whoo-hoo. - Yes.
Ew…
I'm on it.
Go back to your day spas.
Maybe we should get out now.
Interesting proposal.
Now, with an opposing point of view: bubbles.
Yeah.
Hey, cool your jets.
We're trying to get to sleep.
Hey, Flanders, why don't you join us?
Afraid you'll get your moustache wet?
Well, yes.
Come on, man, baptize your buns.
Oh… yeah…
Oh, iddily-iddily- iddily-iddily-iddily.
I feel like we're forgetting something.
There was a note on the fridge marked "urgent."
Funny word: urgent.
Urr… gent.
Urgent.
One of us should go look at it.
Hmm, probably a reminder to relax more.
Oh, yeah.
That's it.
I'm sorry, Abe, we just can't wait
for your family any longer.
But they're coming.
My son even put a note on his refrigerator.
Please wait.
I'm afraid it's too late.
On your mark, get set…
No…!
They're blanks, Abe.
Hey, what happened to the bubbles?
You good-for-nothing jellyfish!
While you were lying here
soaking like a bunch of dirty dishes,
I was lonelier than Estes Kefauver
at a meeting of Murder Incorporated.
That actually makes sense.
Look it up.
It does!
Sorry we missed your special day, Grampa.
We'll definitely go next year.
The thing is: I ain't got much life left to live,
and a wasted day like today
is one I know I'll never get back.
Oh, Dad, I never knew you had dreams or emotions.
We'll make it up to you.
We'll do something you've always wanted to do
but never got the chance.
Well, there are a few things I was hoping to do
before I become dust in a jar.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, who said anything about a jar?
Anyway, I made a list.
Okay.
"Pitch in the Negro Leagues"…
I can think of at least two problems with that.
Can't read that one; my thumb's over it.
"Have one more beer at O'Flanagan's Pub."
We'll do that one.
This place is in Ireland?!
That's right.
Now let's make our reservations.
Lousy old man,
making me look up at an airplane.
Welcome to Ireland,
also known as the Emerald Isle, Potatoville, East Boston,
Freckle Bog, The Land of Poetry,
and The Land of Bad Poetry.
And on your left you'll see Western Ireland.
On your right you'll see Kathy Ireland.
Hi, everyone.
I'm finally back.
The days I spent at O'Flanagan's Pub
were the happiest ones of my life.
* We drink all day, we're full of guilt *
* We know we're not Scots 'cause we don't wear a kilt *
* We toss our darts with a beer in our hand *
* We boil our food till it tastes really bland *
* This is the life… *
* In Ireland… *
* Ireland. *
* Oh, this is the life in Ireland. *
Dunkilderry is so quaint.
It looks like the puzzle at the pediatrician's office.
Get ready to step back to a simpler age,
filled with tweed caps, cheerful sheep,
and unending troubles.
What the…?! Upscale boutiques?!
Yup-rechauns?!
Plasma screen TV.
Summer in Tuscany.
Well, Ireland is at the forefront
of Europe's tech boom.
In your face, Belgium.
Bart, if you hate Belgium so much,
maybe I should take your Tintins away.
No, I'll be good.
But my favorite pub is still there.
This isn't the way I remember it!
Where's the customers?
Where's the singing?
Where's 20-year-old me?
Run, run, you big sack of glue.
Tom O'Flanagan?
Quiet, they're in the home stretch now.
Come on, come on.
Move your fetlocks.
Aw, damn it, will you ever win this race?
This broadcast is from 1979.
Yes, I'm just an old man
yelling at me tapes.
Oh, I've got lots of time for that
now no one comes into me bar anymore.
It's been years since I've sold so much as a "pint."
Don't you mean pint?
It's been so long, I've forgotten how to say it!
It's a joke to even call this place a "pube."
What happened, Tom?
Everyone got jobs, that's what happened.
Sir, I brought my father thousands of miles
just to drink at your bar.
Do you mean it?
Don't toy with an old man's heart, now.
Give me a beer and a shot of whiskey.
I'll have one drink,
one cocktail, and one booze, please.
Oh.
While your father and your grandfather have a drink,
we're going to see sights.
Hey, I just spent ten hours on a plane.
I'm staying here.
They've got German Krusty on TV.
Heil-heil!
Ach du lieber.
Krusty spritzen der gas wasser.
Ja, ja.
Krusty spritzen der gas wasser.
Such a beautiful language.
That's not how a family vacation works.
We do things together
while your father has fun without us.
All right, Tom, pour me a drink.
We have this delicious Australian Shiraz.
An Irish drink.
Oh, fine.
Here's some Bushmills whiskey served in a potato,
floating in a Guinness stout.
I said an Irish drink!
That's better.
The Giant's Causeway
is the result of a volcanic eruption.
Well, kids, isn't that an informational fact?
Kids?
Come back here.
Guinness has been brewed since 1759.
Who'd like to know our secret recipe?
I'm not going to tell you.
Sure if I did, it wouldn't be a secret.
Oh, yeah.
That concludes our tour.
Well, you may know the ingredients,
but you don't know the ratio!
Fifty-fifty?
"At McEllis Island, returning immigrants
who are sick of America
are processed by Irish authorities."
- Name? - Frank Smith.
From now on, you're Francis O'Shaunessy.
- Next! - Bill Jones.
Seamus Fitzpatrick. Next!
You're Liam Fitzpatrick and you're brothers with him.
I said you're brothers!
I didn't say you got along!
They say if you kiss the Blarney Stone,
you get "the gift of gab."
Which is great, but I'm not sure I like the idea
of getting a gift in return for kissing.
What kind of a message is that for Lisa and Maggie?
Those are my daughters. But on the other hand,
America doesn't have any stones worth kissing.
Except for Stone Phillips.
Do you have one of him here?
If so, he's our your him.
* K-I S-S-M-Y A-S-S *
* Spells "Kiss my ass." *
Fresh!
I'm gonna carve me initials in it.
Har, har!
* This is the life… *
* In Ireland… *
You okay, Dad?
I just had a nightmare
that I was back with your mother!
Oh, how I miss her.
Ah, there they are:
Dunkilderry's newest tavern keepers.
- Huh? - Huh?
Well, last night you said
you never wanted to leave this pub,
so you bought it from me!
We what?!
Oh, these pictures tell no lies.
There's you meeting with the loan officer
and the title insurance company.
Here's me replacing the window sashes
that had the termite damage,
as per the escrow agreement.
You know, I have to say, for blind drunks,
you had an excellent knowledge
of Irish real estate law.
We bought this dump?
You most certainly did.
So long, suckers!
Well, Dad, was there anything on your list
about being cheated by an Irishman?
Fourth one from the bottom.
D'oh!
That takes care of my next one.
Never heard of half this stuff!
This brandy is 50 years old.
Better toss it.
Hey, boyo!
How about a tall cool one?
How about you, Greensleeves?
Irishmen love to get drunk!
I'm in A.A.
Who are you, stuttering Fonzie?
What about you, bicycle pants?
I'm late for a teleconference with Hong Kong, you fat gob!
Why you…!
Uh-oh.
Our first sale!
Our first refund.
Find any customers?
Yeah, look at them crowding the bar!
There's Sully and Mack, Jimmy D. and Jimmy B.!
What can I get you, boys?
The usual?
We are so screwed.
Oh, it must be Bloomsday!
- Huh? - Huh?
Every June 16, lovers of James Joyce
follow the route traveled by Leopold Bloom
in the novel Ulysses.
Hmm, let me make a note of that.
What you're saying is, we've run out of fun things to do.
Pretty much, yeah.
Ah, there's always something to do in Ireland.
I'm trying to woo back a girl that I met in a music shop.
Watch this, kids.
* I don't know you *
* But I want you *
* All the more… *
Leave me alone!
I have a husband!
And quit sending her pianos!
Ireland doesn't like pubs anymore.
It's as if Danish people
stopped liking sleek, modern design.
Bite your tongue!
That will never, ever happen!
Well, we need help.
Someone who can make money with a bar
that has no customers and zero charm.
Moe, you shipped yourself here?
No, it's how you fly coach on Delta now.
Moe, something terrible has happened.
The Irish have become hardworking and sober.
Here's how you turn this place around.
I let people do things in my bar
they can't do nowhere else.
You want to drink on a Sunday morning?
No problem.
You want to slow dance with a goat?
I'll be doing a lot of things, but judging ain't one of them.
Are you saying we should break the law?
The law?
That jerk?
So, what can't people do in modern Ireland?
Well, they're certainly liberal
when it comes to… romance.
Sorry, but smoking in pubs ain't part of the new Ireland.
Also, you can't text while driving.
Oh, what has happened to the ways of old?
People can't smoke indoors in Ireland!
Then you let them.
Open a smoke-easy.
Gentlemen, we have a lot of work to do!
Moe, you were right!
Thanks.
Now, I'm gonna go look for my grandfather
based on this childhood photo.
All I remember about him
is he was part of a complete breakfast.
The day they banned smoking from pubs,
a little bit of Ireland died.
But thanks to these two sweet Yanks,
our lungs are black with joy.
To Homer and his da.
Homer and his da!
Well, Da, it looks like
all your "der" have come "ter."
Aw, my son's first stroke.
Look at all this euro dough.
These shamrocks sure love their tobaccy.
So, it's a smoke-easy you're running then?
- Uh-oh! - Ay!
So… it's escaping you're thinking of then?
I can't tell if those are questions or statements.
So, it's our syntax you're criticizing then?
Close her down, boys!
Throw them in the paddy wagon!
I mean the "us" wagon.
Son, this was all my fault.
You were just trying to make an old man happy.
Oh, don't worry, Dad.
We'll get out.
America is the New York Yankees of countries…
powerful and respected until the year 2000.
Oh, son, you know how I love a good analogy.
It was apt.
Let me say I've always admired the Irish…
Knute Rockne, Larry Bird,
and especially Mr. Potato Head.
Go on.
But I ask you: Who does smoking actually hurt
except the smokers, those around them,
and the unborn children of the pregnant women we let in free
on "expectant mothers drink free" night?
Ohh…
So, I hope you'll forgive two well-meaning Americans
for trying to take Ireland
back to the good old days of Angela's Ashes.
Thank you.
That was absolutely terrible.
But fortunately for you, the punishment for your offense
is deportation and a small fine.
Thank you, Your Honor.
And may I say, I'm glad I could see Ireland again.
Even if it isn't what I remembered.
It got a lot nicer since we sent
all our incompetent half-wits to America,
where you, for some reason, made them police officers.
Top of the morning to ya!
Chief Clancy Wiggum here to pick up the Simpsons
and take them back to the…
Oh, geez, that smarts.
Better put a little ouchie spray on that.
Oh, boy!
Oh, I better call for some back up.
This is unit one-niner…
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