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* The Simpsons *
2
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D'oh!
3
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Mwah!
4
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My daughter's here
for her first mani-pedi.
5
00:00:31,072 --> 00:00:33,116
Mom, I'm glad
you brought me here,
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but isn't it more important
for a woman
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to be smart and powerful
than beautiful?
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A woman can be smart,
beautiful, and powerful,
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like Queen Elizabeth the First!
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She had it all,
except the most important thing.
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Please don't say "a man."
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No, a husband!
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The year was 1588,
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400 years before Kirk Gibson
would hit his famous home run.
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Queen Elizabeth ruled
over all of England.
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Every eligible bachelor
in Europe
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wanted her hand in marriage.
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Majesty,
thy suitors await.
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I don't understand
why I need a king.
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So you can pump out
a son,
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and then I don't gotta work
for no broad no more…
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um… my liege.
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Announcing Prince Ralph
of Austria!
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Off with my head!
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Pass.
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King Julio of Spain!
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Hello, Queenie baby.
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Forget it.
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I've seen you making
goo-goo eyes at my court jester.
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Well, I like a man
who can make me laugh.
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But for you,
I'll make an exception.
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Hands off my harlequin!
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This is 1588, and his material
is fresh and hip.
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You have made
a big mistake, lady!
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His Excellency,
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Sir Walter Raleigh.
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Your Majesty, I have returned
from the New World
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with a gift; this healthful
and slimming herb…
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tobacco.
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Whoo…
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Whoa!
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If I ever have sex,
this will be great afterwards.
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I'll show those
uppity English food-boilers.
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What is the status
of my armada?!
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120
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of the finest killing
machines ever built.
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Ooh, not bad.
Not bad at all!
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Now take me
to the real ones.
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Those are the real ones.
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Watch out, England!
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No, have mercy, Milord!
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Never!
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Guards, take him away
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and put things
inside of him!
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Nice things?
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No, not nice things!
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Allow me.
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Ooh, you have the strength
of a plow horse
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but the charm
of a cart horse!
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Treason!
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How dare you make out
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under my crenellations
while I make out not?
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Don't you know that I love you?!
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I've always loved you!
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Um, which one of us
are you talking to?
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I'm not sure.
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Both, neither.
What difference does it make?
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Take them to the tower!
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Whoa, someone call Beowulf!
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Grendel got in again!
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Oh, it's you, Your Majesty.
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The, uh, the Spanish Armada
sails for England.
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Armada?
What's armada?
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Nothing.
What's armada with you?
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Seriously, though,
we're in real trouble here.
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Come, Tea Biscuit!
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The time of battle
grows nigh.
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So, here's us…
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and a whole lot of them.
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It's probably
a little too early
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to be standing
under this.
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Lord Jesus, although our country
turned Protestant
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for the sole reason that our
fat, mean king could dump
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his faithful wife,
we know you're on our side.
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So please destroy
these horrible monsters
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who believe your mother
should be revered.
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Amen.
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Abandon ship!
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Normally, I love to see flaming
dreamboats heading my way,
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but not like this, baby,
not like this!
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For destroying
the Spanish Armada,
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I dub thee "Sir,"
Sir Walter Raleigh.
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And I grant you two my blessing.
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Your Majesty,
it's so kind of you
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to give up the one man
you truly love.
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I don't need a man
for I have England!
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Yeah, you keep
telling yourself that.
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You keep soaking.
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We're going to Koo Koo Roo,
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which in our language
means nothing.
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Lisa, you are going
to look so pretty.
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Thank you, but I know a story
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of a dangerous obsession
with female beauty.
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It's called
Snow White and the Seven…
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Excuse me! The story
you're about to tell is
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the copyrighted property
of The Walt Disney Corporation.
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Can you sharpen these?
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Excuse me, but Snow White
is a fairytale
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from hundreds of years ago.
No one owns that.
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Are there any dwarves
in your story?
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Yes, but they're my own
original creation.
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There's Crabby…
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Drunky…
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Hungry!
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Greedy!
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Lenny!
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Kearney!
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…and Doc… tor Hibbert.
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* Ho-hi! *
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* Ho-hi, ho-hi,
it's off to work go I *
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* This song's not like any song
you know, ho-hi! *
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* Ho-hi, ho-hi, ho-hi! *
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Little did they know,
their lives
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were about to be changed
forever
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by a wicked queen.
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HDTV on the wall,
who's the fairest one of all?
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You would do in a pinch,
my Queen,
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but Snow White's the fairest
I have seen.
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Also, there's a weather girl
on Channel 9 who's…
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Bring me Snow White's
heart in this box.
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What'll I do
with the rest of the body?
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Put it in this box.
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Then you'll get your reward.
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Now turtle, I'll need you
to get in the soup.
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I-I-I cannot do it!
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Run, lassie!
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Find wee little men,
and hide with them!
138
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Now to fool the queen
with a pig's heart.
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I-I cannot do it!
140
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Maybe I'll make her a heart
out of construction paper.
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I-I-I cannot do it!
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Let's see…
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gingerbread house…
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Grandma's house…
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Ah, here we are.
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All that walking made me sleepy.
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This bed's too hard.
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This bed's too soft.
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And this bed is just…
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like the first one,
also too hard.
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I guess I'll sleep
in the one that's too soft.
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* Ho-hi, ho-hi,
it's time to now to get high *
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* We'll take some shrooms
and go to our rooms… *
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There's something
in our house!
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Let's put a pickaxe
in its brain!
156
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You're in marketing.
157
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Why do you even bring
an axe?
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If you were in marketing,
you'd know.
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She's beautiful!
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Hmm, maybe she's been placed
under some kind of a curse.
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And all that will wake her
is the kiss of a handsome…
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I'm awake!
I'm awake already!
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Guess it's you and me
again, doorknob.
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Goodbye!
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Now beware of the Evil Queen.
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She's a master of disguise.
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She could be anyone!
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I'll be careful.
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No, no, no,
that's too much!
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Go back outside!
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Who are you?
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Care for an apple?
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Okay. Um…
I'll take a green one.
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No, take the red one.
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Take a bite, dearie!
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Uh-oh.
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You'll never take me alive!
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Ooh, herbivores.
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I'm so scared.
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00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:46,460
So Snow White slept and waited
for her prince to come…
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but he never did…
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because a woman shouldn't have
to depend on a man.
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Snow White was brought back
to life by a lady doctor.
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And she lived
happily ever after?
185
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:59,765
Well, she couldn't indulge
in strenuous activities
like handball,
186
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but otherwise
she was fine.
187
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That's nice.
188
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Marge, I need
some bribe money!
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Well, don't say it
so loud.
190
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All I have are some
dry-cleaning coupons.
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Deal.
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Thanks, Marge.
193
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But don't forget, there's still
gonna be a civil suit.
194
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Lisa, let me tell you
the story
195
00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:25,249
of a great woman held back
by a not-so-great husband…
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Macbeth!
197
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Out, damned spot! Out, I say!
198
00:10:31,839 --> 00:10:33,507
Marge, please,
if you don't like
199
00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:35,343
getting barbecue sauce
out of a leotard,
200
00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:36,719
why did you get
into show business?
201
00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:38,220
Think before you do.
202
00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,765
Oh! I wouldn't be stuck
washing costumes
203
00:10:40,848 --> 00:10:43,517
if my husband had a better role.
204
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:45,728
Well, I may be playing a tree,
205
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but at least I'm getting
my face out there.
206
00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:49,565
Oh…
207
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:52,693
I thought I was marrying
a man who could play Macbeth.
208
00:10:52,777 --> 00:10:55,738
Hey, there's no way I could
ever be as good as that guy.
209
00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:57,782
Stars, hide your fires.
210
00:10:57,865 --> 00:11:04,413
Let not light see
my black and deep desires.
211
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,749
Mel's like the son Laurence
Olivier and John Gielgud
212
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:08,709
always wanted, but never had.
213
00:11:08,793 --> 00:11:10,503
But, oh, how they tried.
214
00:11:10,586 --> 00:11:14,799
I think Mel would be happier
as an understudy.
215
00:11:14,882 --> 00:11:17,593
A six-feet-understudy.
216
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:20,012
You're not
suggesting… murder?
217
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:22,848
Wouldst thou live a coward
in thine own esteem,
218
00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:26,143
letting "I dare not"
wait upon "I would?"
219
00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:28,688
Whatever you say, sweetie.
220
00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:36,070
Snore. Snore!
221
00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:41,117
Oh, a prop knife.
222
00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:49,792
Out, out, brief candle.
223
00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:52,002
Life's but a walking shadow…
224
00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:54,630
Why does everyone around here
talk that crazy talk?
225
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:58,676
That "crazy talk" is the work
of the immortal Bard,
226
00:11:58,759 --> 00:12:01,053
William Shakespeare.
227
00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:02,972
Well, if you see him in heaven,
tell him he sucks.
228
00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:08,894
As you all know,
229
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,981
this afternoon, the bone
fell out of Mel's hair
230
00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:13,691
and beat him to death.
231
00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:16,277
Let us observe a moment
of silence. Moment over.
232
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:17,611
Homer, you got the lead.
233
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:23,993
Stay, you imperfect speakers.
234
00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:25,619
Tell me more.
235
00:12:25,703 --> 00:12:27,288
Um…
236
00:12:27,371 --> 00:12:31,584
By Sinel's death, I know
I am thane of Glamis…
237
00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:36,005
Uh, To-morrow and to-morrow
and to-morrow…
238
00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:39,717
Today's Tuesday, so that would
make it Friday, and then, uh…
239
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:40,786
Shakespeare!
240
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You don't even
know your lines!
241
00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:46,557
Conrad Birdie?
Coming here to Sweet Apple?
242
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:47,933
That's Bye-Bye Birdie!
243
00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:52,104
Damn it, Morpheus. Not everyone
believes what you believe.
244
00:12:52,188 --> 00:12:54,482
That's the screenplay
for The Matrix Reloaded.
245
00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:55,733
D'oh!
246
00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:00,488
I can't wait
for the reviews.
247
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,785
"Tonight the Springfield
Community Playhouse
248
00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:08,788
was bathed in the light
of a brilliant new star…
249
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:10,831
Dr. Hibbert as Banquo"?!
250
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:12,458
Who the hell is Banquo?
251
00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:15,503
He's the one getting
the good reviews.
252
00:13:15,586 --> 00:13:17,254
Which makes him the next
one you've got to kill.
253
00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:19,757
Wouldn't it be easier
if I just took acting lessons?
254
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:23,052
Screw your courage
to the sticking-place
255
00:13:23,135 --> 00:13:24,929
and we'll not fail.
256
00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:25,915
That's inspiring.
257
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:27,473
What's that from, X-Men 2?
258
00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:28,808
Macbeth!
259
00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:30,601
Mac-who?
260
00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:59,380
This number is
for emergencies only.
261
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:06,428
He who laughs last
262
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:09,390
laughs dead.
263
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,309
"In last night's Macbeth,
264
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:15,229
the best performance was
Barney Gumbel as Duncan,
265
00:14:15,312 --> 00:14:19,108
followed by Duffman as MacDuff,
Lenny Leonard as Lennox,
266
00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:21,819
Eddie and Lou as the two
soldiers without lines,
267
00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:25,322
then, last and least,
the lead, Homer Simpson."
268
00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:28,409
Why do they write a new review
of this play every single day?
269
00:14:28,492 --> 00:14:32,162
All I heard was more names
of actors you haven't killed.
270
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:34,790
Unless you're not man enough.
271
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:37,001
No, dear.
I'm a man, dear.
272
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:50,806
* Killing makes me hungry *
273
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,809
* Eating makes me thirsty *
274
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,978
* Drinking makes me sleepy *
275
00:14:57,771 --> 00:15:01,442
Why did he have to kill everyone
in their costumes?
276
00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:02,985
It was you
who killed us.
277
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:04,013
You!
278
00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:06,155
No, it was Homer!
279
00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:09,992
Your dark ambition guided
his murderous hand.
280
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:12,995
No. I just encouraged him.
281
00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:15,122
Encouraged by withholding sex!
282
00:15:15,205 --> 00:15:18,000
Sex…
283
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:31,388
Well, at least
you can't nag me anymore.
284
00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:33,933
That's where you're wrong.
285
00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:35,601
Get out
on that stage!
286
00:15:35,684 --> 00:15:36,894
Ow!
287
00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:40,022
Okay, Homer, it's our
last performance,
288
00:15:40,105 --> 00:15:41,815
you're the only actor
that's still alive,
289
00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:43,692
and there's nobody
in the audience.
290
00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:45,486
This is your moment.
291
00:15:45,569 --> 00:15:47,404
I'll be in my office
going over the books
292
00:15:47,488 --> 00:15:48,989
on my Subway
sandwich franchise.
293
00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:50,991
You call a sandwich maker
an artist,
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00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:52,701
it's like an invitation
to steal!
295
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:55,579
A guy's going nani-nooni
bananas in there!
296
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:57,498
It's my moment.
297
00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:05,464
To-morrow, and to-morrow,
and tomorrow
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00:16:05,547 --> 00:16:09,218
creeps in this petty pace,
from day to day,
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00:16:09,301 --> 00:16:12,429
to the last syllable
of recorded time.
300
00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,974
And all our yesterdays
have lighted fools
301
00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:17,685
the way to dusty death.
302
00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:21,105
Out, out, brief candle!
303
00:16:21,188 --> 00:16:24,692
Life's but a walking shadow,
a poor player
304
00:16:24,775 --> 00:16:27,695
that struts and frets
his hour upon the stage
305
00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:29,905
and then is heard no more.
306
00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:32,491
Oh, Homie.
307
00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:34,952
You were brilliant.
308
00:16:35,035 --> 00:16:36,035
I knew you could do it.
309
00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,831
I knew it.
310
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:41,041
Now nothing will stop you
from taking on
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00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:42,918
all of Shakespeare's
greatest roles.
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00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,504
King Lear. Hamlet.
313
00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:47,756
Othello.
Richard The Third.
314
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,091
Henry the Fourth, Part One.
315
00:16:49,174 --> 00:16:50,384
Henry The Fourth, Part Two.
316
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:51,510
Henry The Fifth.
317
00:16:51,593 --> 00:16:52,761
Titus Andronicus.
318
00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:57,891
Me having to read all those
plays would be the real tragedy.
319
00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:04,189
That's it: three stories.
320
00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:06,025
That's what we always tell.
321
00:17:07,818 --> 00:17:11,071
Looks like Maggie
wants a story, too.
322
00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:12,141
Ooh.
323
00:17:12,156 --> 00:17:14,074
The Fountainhead.
324
00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:17,578
Mom, isn't that book the
bible of right-wing losers?
325
00:17:17,661 --> 00:17:19,997
Yeah, but the guy
on the book jacket
326
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,458
is one sexy slice of beefcake.
327
00:17:24,084 --> 00:17:28,213
So, anyway, this is
the story of Maggie Roarke,
328
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:31,633
an architect
who refused to compromise.
329
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:36,221
Now, children, while I do
traffic school online,
330
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:38,432
you'll be playing with blocks.
331
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,064
Maggie's genius and creativity
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00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:47,566
far exceeded
that of the others.
333
00:17:47,649 --> 00:17:49,526
And I'm not just saying
that 'cause I'm her mother.
334
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:53,405
But her teacher,
Mr. Ellsworth Toohey,
335
00:17:53,489 --> 00:17:57,159
wanted every child to conform.
336
00:17:57,242 --> 00:17:58,827
Banal. Very banal.
337
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:00,537
Ooh, wonderfully pedestrian.
338
00:18:00,621 --> 00:18:02,748
Oh, this isn't right.
339
00:18:02,831 --> 00:18:06,001
Maggie, dancers shouldn't
kick too high,
340
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,170
and buildings mustn't
reach the sky.
341
00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:11,965
There. Hmm…
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00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:13,050
Your rubble is still
343
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:15,177
a little bit higher
than the others.
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00:18:15,260 --> 00:18:17,554
So, let's just… There.
345
00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:19,389
Welcome to
the real world, baby.
346
00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:22,726
He would not let
Maggie's creativity flower.
347
00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:59,721
Mediocrity rules!
348
00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:05,018
All right, Maggie.
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00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:06,645
Today is parent-teacher day,
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00:19:06,728 --> 00:19:08,313
so I want everyone to see
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00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:11,817
how uncreative and beaten-down
you've become.
352
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:14,153
That's right:
you're beaten-down.
353
00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:16,655
Yes, you are.
354
00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:23,203
I don't know how you put up
with all these kids, Toohey.
355
00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:26,081
If I were you, there'd be
a lot of strangled babies.
356
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:29,668
Now, let' see what your children
have done, shall we?
357
00:19:29,751 --> 00:19:34,006
Don't brace yourselves.
You will believe your eyes.
358
00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:37,801
It…
359
00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:42,931
You will be tried
as a toddler.
360
00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:48,312
Babies and gentlemen
of the jury…
361
00:19:48,395 --> 00:19:50,522
this child's crime
was to remind the rest of us
362
00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:52,316
that we are merely ordinary.
363
00:19:52,399 --> 00:19:54,902
When a blade of grass rises
above the others,
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00:19:54,985 --> 00:19:57,237
do we applaud it?
No, we cut it down.
365
00:19:57,321 --> 00:20:03,160
I recommend nine time-outs,
served consecutively.
366
00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:11,919
Throughout the ages,
the finger painter,
367
00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:13,545
the Play-Doh sculptor,
the Lincoln-logger,
368
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:16,757
stood alone against
the daycare teacher of her time.
369
00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:19,509
She did not live
to earn approval stickers.
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00:20:19,593 --> 00:20:22,262
She lived for herself,
that she might achieve things
371
00:20:22,346 --> 00:20:24,348
that are the glory
of all humanity.
372
00:20:24,431 --> 00:20:28,352
These are my terms. I do not
care to play by any others.
373
00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:31,355
And now, if the court
will allow me, it's nap time.
374
00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:38,987
Maggie grew up to be
a world-famous architect.
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00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:42,783
Her building became one
of the wonders of the world.
376
00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:50,332
And on the very top floor
was a daycare center
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00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:54,336
where every child was free
to follow their dream.
378
00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:56,171
Because nothing is…
379
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,507
Maggie, get away from there!
380
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,217
Bad baby!
381
00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:11,186
* Ho-hi *
382
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:13,522
* Ho-hi, ho-hi *
383
00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:16,275
* It's time to say good-bye *
384
00:21:16,358 --> 00:21:18,360
* If Disney sues,
we'll claim fair use *
385
00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:22,906
* Ho-hi, ho-hi, ho-hi, ho-hi *
386
00:21:25,242 --> 00:21:27,536
* Ho-hi, ho-hi *
387
00:21:27,619 --> 00:21:29,621
* There's nothing
we won't try *
388
00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:32,124
* We'll get take-out
and then make out *
389
00:21:32,207 --> 00:21:36,253
* We're bi,
we're bi, we're bi, we're bi. *
390
00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:50,225
Shhh!
391
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