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* The Simpsons *
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And Moses raised his staff unto the sky,
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and the Lord sent forth
a mighty tempest that thundered like…
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Oh, come on now, Alice. That's a bit much.
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Alice!
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Today, we hold an assembly
for a dead lady you never met,
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because this wonderful, generous woman
has left her entire estate to the school
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to fund the new music program.
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This is a dream come true.
We can get…
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Um… Uh…
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I'd like a word.
My name is Joe Quimby III.
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Mr. Dahan's homeroom.
I go to this school now.
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Welcome, rich kid.
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Maybe by "music program",
instead of new instruments,
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Mrs. Glick really meant
an epic three-day music festival.
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We could get performers
like Little Smelly,
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DJ Breakfast, Jupiter Jerks,
the recently reunited G.O.R.M,
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and possibly Chunk Mafia!
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Chunk it up!
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This once-in-a-generation tornado
of fun will become a reality
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when I'm elected as your student council
president in next month's election.
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Absolutely!
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No, no. A festival is just one weekend,
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but a new music program will produce
timpanists and flautists forever.
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We could be lectured by Lisa,
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or let's all kick off my son's campaign
with free frozen yogurt!
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This isn't what Mrs. Glick wanted!
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I've heard of frozen water
and plain yogurt,
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but this is extraordinary.
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Those Quimbys have run this town forever,
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and they've never had
a day of struggle in their lives!
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What's for supper?
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I was weeping in the fields
when I found a turnip!
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A whole blessed turnip!
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A rock?
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Wee Joe has the real turnip!
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Farewell, Ma and Pa.
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In this town, all I shall ever be
is the son of a pig whistler.
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I want something more!
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Oink, oink, oink.
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Hmm. Joseph O'Shaughnessy
from Quimby, Ireland.
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Never seen an apostrophe
in a name before. Must be a typo.
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Welcome to America, Joe Quimby.
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Someone ought to run against
that rich, little nepo-Quimby.
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Someone who cares about the school
with real plans for the future.
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Someone like……me.
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Two votes. That's all you get.
You and Milhouse… maybe.
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I'm still doing my research.
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The only candidate with a chance
against Joe Quimby III would be Bart.
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Everyone loves the cis Caucasian bad boy,
and you should see his polling.
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Bart's playing well with all the demos,
bullies, nerds, twinks,
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by which I mean kids who like Twinkies.
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So, I have to get my idiot brother elected
to save the music program?
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Well, I guess if you wanna win
in politics,
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you've got to get your hands dirty.
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Do we really want to spend
the rest of our days
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scavenging through
horse leavings for coins and buttons?
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Buck up, Joe.
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Being a dunglark is part
of the fast-growing gag economy,
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and who else will hire us?
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No Irish can be a foot-post, a beetler,
a bodger, a coal heaver,
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a garthman, a hello girl, a loblolly boy,
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a propbobby, or even a lowly scrimshander.
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Well, at least we can watch
the Saint Patrick's Day parade.
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Hey, this is a respectable parade.
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Oh, there's Spanucci,
the barrel king of Slobtown.
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Ooh. He looks like a good man.
Perhaps he'll give me a job.
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Ha! I'd never hire an Irish!
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Farewell, you slightly different kind
of Catholic dog.
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Oh, hello, Celtic scum.
What are you carrying?
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I made you a corned beef sandwich.
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Needs mustard.
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After the accidental
choking death of Rigatoni Spanucci,
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a will found on his body states
he's bequeathed his barrel factory
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to his dearest friend, Joe Quimby.
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And bad news for Wall Street means
a windfall for Quimby's new business.
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Stockbrokers are losing the shirts
off their backs
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and the suits that go with them.
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Lucky for them, Quimby's barrels
are there to cover their shame.
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Quimby then bet it all to start
his own movie studio.
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Here he is at the premiere of his new hit,
barrel-based musical Over the Falls.
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Hey, Joe. Stave a seat for me!
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Joe, you've conquered
so many industries. What's next?
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Well, I was thinking of running
for city council.
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The Irish barrel monkey
wants to be in politics.
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Know your place,
you filthy Irish.
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Extra, extra. Barrel Baron's baby
about to be born!
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Father just hearing it now.
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Son, I may be a barrel king
and movie mogul,
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but to the people that hold the strings,
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I'll always be a dirty Irish dung lark.
Not you.
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One day you'll wear these.
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Trust me, boy,
you're going to be a winner.
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Trust me, Bart, you're gonna be a winner.
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I'm already a winner.
I just got the high score.
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Bart, you have to run for president.
Somebody's gotta stop little Quimby.
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Oh, but I don't wanna be president,
and I'm excited for that music festival.
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He's getting the Chunk Mafia.
Chunk, chunk it up.
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Are you guys chunking it up?
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- Chunk it up. Chunk it up.
- Chunk it up. Chunk it up.
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Chunk it up.
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But, Bart, if you run for president
and win, it'll drive Skinner crazy.
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Huh? Chunk it up.
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A cherry bomb in every toilet
and a beehive in Skinner's car.
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They're in my ears!
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And we'll save
Lisa's stupid music program.
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No!
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Can our school risk a president
whose name rhymes with fart?
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Six, five.
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Four, three, two, one.
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Bart dealt it,
but you don't need to smelt it.
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Next Thursday, vote Joe Quimby III.
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He's killing us
on the Bart-fart rhyme angle.
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This is exactly
what took down Kevin Kiarrhea.
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Hold on. Hold on.
If they're gonna fight dirty, so can we.
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With exhaustive
negative opposition research.
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The Quimbys have had so many scandals,
and nothing has stopped them.
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From bootlegging to barrel shaving
and so much philandering.
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Also, how many bridges
can one family drive off?
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Ugh, just keep microfiche-ing.
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Fiche, fiche, fiche,
fiche……fiche, fiche.
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Wait a second. Bouvier?
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That woman who married Mayor Quimby
looks a little like Mom…
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And that flower girl is Mom.
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Yeah, that's me in the picture…
…and the bride is my aunt Beatrice,
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and I don't want to talk about it.
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Uh, okay, but I just have
a couple more questions.
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Sorry, I can't hear you!
I think a fork fell in.
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I'm not afraid to tell you the hard truth.
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The rich deserve tax breaks for yachts
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and LeRoy Neiman paintings
and fancy dinners like this one.
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Terrific speech, Son.
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You've grown up to make me, your mother,
and my five mistresses very proud.
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Uh…
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Oh, Donkey Kong Junior.
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Maybe we'll both
live up to the expectations
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of our barrel-cursed fathers.
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You're blowing your chance to do real good
for the people of Springfield.
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Who the hell are you?
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Beatrice Bouvier.
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I get coffee
for the person who gets you coffee.
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Look, your family money
and your pretty-boy good looks
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aren't going to win you this election.
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You, uh, think I'm pretty?
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You can make a real difference,
but oh, no,
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you just wanna please your rich daddy
and his lobster rattling friends.
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Hmm. Who am I kidding?
The first casualty of politics is hope.
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I quit.
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Don't leave, you lippy dame!
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If you want me to stay,
you have to hit the real neighborhoods
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and meet the people you'll be serving.
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Okay, but you're driving.
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There's a, uh, lot of bridges
between here and there.
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This is Slobtown.
The working-class heart of Springfield.
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Ugh. My father left this neighborhood
as soon as he could.
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Ugh. What is that?
157
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That's a Slobtown meat cone.
A waffle cone full of beef stew.
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Ugh, these people are animals.
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Thank God they don't get to vote.
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They do, and the cone allows them
to hold stew in one hand
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while hooping a barrel with the other.
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* Oom-pah, oom-pah, slap your son
Oom-pah, oom-pah, lots of fun… *
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My father would sing me to sleep
with this song.
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* The widow drowned herself in tears
Oom-pah, oom-pah, fun for years *
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- Hey!
- Hey!
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I get it now.
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Politics is about improving
the lot of working folks.
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Beatrice, will you be my campaign manager?
169
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Will you promise to be
the best version of yourself?
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You're the first person
I've never wanted to lie to,
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so I'm not lying when I say yes.
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I may be a lemon pelted simpleton,
but this feels like real growth.
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Elect me,
and we'll have more money for parks,
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education, and inspiring murals of
ethnically diverse children getting along.
175
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,783
Meat cones for both of you on the house.
176
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Would you like a napkin?
177
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No, because it ain't a Slobtown meat cone
unless you're wearing it.
178
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As E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial said,
we "phoned home" with a message of hope,
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and the voters told us
we have the "Eye of the Tiger".
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You've always vetted my policy proposals,
but this one's all my own.
181
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:11,731
Beatrice Bouvier, will you, uh…
182
00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:16,236
Yes, yes. A thousand focus groups, yes!
183
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:23,993
Are you tired
of band-aids in the Jell-O?
184
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:27,497
Playground slides
with exposed bolts?
185
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:31,417
And entitled rich kids
trying to run our school?
186
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,922
It's 3 a.m.
Whose finger do you pull?
187
00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:39,592
Next Tuesday,
vote Bart "The Fart" Simpson.
188
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,805
Dude, way to flip the fart narrative.
189
00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:45,682
Oh, genius ad, Lisa.
190
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:48,726
And get this, in the school paper's
poll of four-square players,
191
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:51,187
you're tied with Quimby two to two.
192
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:54,274
It's weird,
but it turns out I love popularity.
193
00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:57,610
Excuse me, I got a rope of kindergartners
begging for the Fart Man.
194
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,411
Do you, Joe Quimby Junior,
195
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:10,665
take Beatrice Bouvier
to be your lawfully wedded wife?
196
00:13:10,748 --> 00:13:14,752
Yes, I do,
and there's no ums, uhs, or ahs about it.
197
00:13:14,836 --> 00:13:18,548
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
198
00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:25,722
Joe, your father wants to talk to you.
199
00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:30,852
Marrying a slobtown girl
will help us with the unions.
200
00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:32,478
Smart move, Son.
201
00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:34,731
I married her because I love her.
202
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:39,527
Never say that on the record.
Now, there's one thing your image needs.
203
00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:44,157
What? Mistresses?
204
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,617
Uh…
My dad says being a philanderer
205
00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:50,038
is an essential part
of my hyper-masculine political image,
206
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:53,249
but don't worry,
I told him I would never cheat on you.
207
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:54,500
Oh, thank God.
208
00:13:54,584 --> 00:13:57,086
He'll be happy as long as the press
catches me in bed
209
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,213
naked with many, many sexy ladies,
210
00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:02,508
but I will commit neither hanky nor panky.
211
00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:07,847
So you'll respect me privately,
but humiliate me publicly?
212
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,390
I don't have a choice.
213
00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:13,770
I'm sorry, but whatever my father wants,
my father gets.
214
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:17,607
Oh. You broke my heart, Joe Quimby.
215
00:14:21,736 --> 00:14:24,447
Are you going off to your magical castle?
216
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:28,951
Princesses aren't real,
and there is no happily ever after.
217
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:39,378
Let's check the lunchroom map.
218
00:14:39,462 --> 00:14:41,923
It all comes down
to the girls who sniff Sharpies
219
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:45,134
and that sad boy who's always throwing up.
220
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,220
Uh, I'm hearing all the votes are in,
221
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:51,766
and we can now call the election
for Joseph Quimby III.
222
00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:54,310
They rejected my music program.
223
00:14:54,393 --> 00:14:56,771
Oh, who cares? They rejected me.
224
00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:59,524
Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.
225
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:01,651
Failure music, please.
226
00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:05,696
And that's the best they'll ever sound.
227
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:15,873
I need to talk to you.
228
00:15:15,957 --> 00:15:19,085
I thought you did an amazing job
on Bart's campaign.
229
00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:21,838
The way you linked me
to chocolate milk inflation?
230
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:25,007
Negative, unfair,
and I wish I'd thought of it.
231
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:26,467
Compliment noted.
232
00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:29,387
Lisa, my father has endless plans for me,
233
00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:33,182
and now those plans include
having you on my team.
234
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,767
Why would I work for you?
235
00:15:34,851 --> 00:15:38,312
You deep faked a picture
of my brother picking his nose.
236
00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:40,106
That wasn't a deep fake.
237
00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:42,400
That makes sense.
238
00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:44,527
My father wants you,
239
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,488
and whatever my father wants,
my father gets.
240
00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:50,074
I need your answer by Monday at recess.
241
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:56,372
Don't sweat this decision too much.
Just remember, it's all just a game.
242
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:01,085
It's all just a game.
243
00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:05,131
You spend your whole life chasing sashes,
and then it's over.
244
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:08,509
Mr. Mayor, something amazing has happened.
245
00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:09,969
Beatrice came back?
246
00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:12,138
No, you forgot
about your televised debate.
247
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:13,806
It starts in five minutes.
248
00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:16,350
Oh, right. I'm running for governor now.
249
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:21,314
Mr. Mayor, some critics say
you're skating by on your family money
250
00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:23,941
and pretty-boy good looks.
How do you respond?
251
00:16:29,614 --> 00:16:33,951
I say I love you, Beatrice,
and I'm so sorry I hurt you.
252
00:16:34,035 --> 00:16:35,453
I want the voters to know
253
00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:39,040
I'm not having sex
with an endless parade of nubile beauties.
254
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:44,128
I only want to have routine, reliable
intercourse with the woman I love,
255
00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:48,216
and even then…
…not that frequently.
256
00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:52,970
If he can't even cheat on his wife,
how can he repave our highways?
257
00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:54,847
I say we turn on him.
258
00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:56,265
Yeah!
259
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:57,600
He's a wuss.
260
00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:04,732
Dad, other than that last question,
uh, how do you think I did in the debate?
261
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:08,527
I stole the family turnip.
I left the land of my birth.
262
00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:11,489
I killed a man
with a corned beef sandwich.
263
00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:14,784
All to make our name in this country.
264
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,996
Okay, all pretty positive so far.
265
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:20,665
But you've ruined all that.
266
00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:24,710
You'll never be more
than the mayor of a two-bit town.
267
00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:26,128
You're a failure,
268
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:29,507
and you've forever brought shame
to the Quimby name.
269
00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:39,350
Oh, if there was only a way
to, uh, make this right.
270
00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:42,436
Have a son
and raise him to succeed where you failed.
271
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,904
Thanks for reaching out, Lisa.
272
00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:55,366
I've only heard about your family
through your aunts, Patty and Selma.
273
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:59,453
How's your morbidly obese alcoholic father
dealing with his chronic butt fungus?
274
00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:01,622
Um… He gets by.
275
00:18:01,706 --> 00:18:02,915
One more question.
276
00:18:02,999 --> 00:18:05,835
Why is your mom
just standing in the doorway?
277
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,461
Because when I was four,
278
00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:11,966
you told me that princesses aren't real,
and there's no happily ever after.
279
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:14,176
Oh, gosh, did I say that?
280
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:18,014
Yes, and I wasn't ready to hear
that my dreams would never come true.
281
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:22,435
And that's why
I married the first…
282
00:18:22,518 --> 00:18:25,605
I love your dad. Great guy.
283
00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:29,734
Marge, I'm so sorry, but you should know
what happened that day.
284
00:18:29,817 --> 00:18:33,613
I had just found out
that the love of my life betrayed me.
285
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:38,659
I never saw him again
or ate meat out of a cone.
286
00:18:38,743 --> 00:18:40,244
Oh.
287
00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:43,831
He chose his father's ambitions
over his love for you.
288
00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:45,541
I'm so sorry.
289
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:50,338
Poor Joe,
he never stood a chance against his dad.
290
00:18:50,421 --> 00:18:54,300
His son wants my help,
and I think I know how to give it to him.
291
00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:03,559
Joe, Joe.
292
00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:07,688
Joe, I finally understand your family,
293
00:19:07,772 --> 00:19:11,192
and I've written the first speech
of your administration.
294
00:19:12,735 --> 00:19:14,779
Oh, I love it.
295
00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:18,115
Let me introduce my son
and your new president,
296
00:19:18,199 --> 00:19:22,828
Joseph Fitzgerald Shriver
Onassis Schlossberg Quimby III.
297
00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:26,248
Joe, Joe, Joe.
298
00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:31,128
Ever since my grandfather got rich
making barrels,
299
00:19:31,212 --> 00:19:34,006
my family has been
jumping over those barrels
300
00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:35,925
and hitting them with hammers.
301
00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:39,011
But we have never been able to escape them
302
00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:43,349
because those barrels are filled
with ambition instead of love,
303
00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:45,851
and often they are on fire.
304
00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:47,311
It is true.
305
00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:51,982
I can play this game no longer
because my soul has run out of quarters.
306
00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:57,446
I'm stepping down, but I leave you
in the worthy hands of Bart Simpson.
307
00:19:57,530 --> 00:20:01,283
What up, Springfield? We did it!
Chunk it up.
308
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:03,369
Bart, Bart, Bart!
309
00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:05,955
Sorry, but the school constitution says
310
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:09,291
that the next in line of succession
is the Chief hall monitor.
311
00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:11,001
That's, uh, Martin Prince.
312
00:20:11,085 --> 00:20:15,339
Suck it, Simpsons,
and I'm saving the music program.
313
00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:16,590
Hit it.
314
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:21,929
I'm sorry I let you down, Father.
315
00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:26,684
* Oompah, oompah
Stare at sun *
316
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:32,189
* Burn your eyeballs, lots of fun… *
317
00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:35,151
I've never been more proud of you.
318
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:38,863
Bart, we broke a 100-year cycle
of emotional trauma.
319
00:20:38,946 --> 00:20:40,656
So what? History is boring.
320
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,783
Don't they say
it just keeps repeating itself?
321
00:20:42,867 --> 00:20:45,953
Sure, but each time
it's a little different.
322
00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:49,081
* Eat some glass, hurts to pass *
323
00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:52,460
* Oom-pah, oom-pah
Lots of fun *
324
00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,003
Hey!
325
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:08,350
Chunk Mafia.
326
00:21:09,477 --> 00:21:11,312
* What? Chunk, chunk *
327
00:21:14,857 --> 00:21:17,359
* Chunk, chunk, chunk it up
Chunk, chunk *
328
00:21:17,443 --> 00:21:18,444
* Chunk it up *
329
00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:21,697
* Chunk, chunk, chunk it up
Chunk, chunk it up *
330
00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:25,534
* Chunk it up *
331
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:28,788
* Chunk, chunk, chunk it up
Chunk, chunk it up *
332
00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:32,792
* Chunk, chunk *
333
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:35,836
* Chunk, chunk, chunk it up
Chunk, chunk it up *
334
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:39,632
* Chunk, chunk, chunk, chunk, chunk, chunk
Chunk it up *