* The Simpsons *
D'oh!
Aah!
Skinner!
Uh, Superintendent Chalmers!
What's wrong?
Nothing. I just bought myself a car.
Oh. Oh, good.
This will sound crazy
but at first, I thought I'd enraged you again.
- Skinner! - What? What?
Ah, you're getting paranoid.
You know, I used to think a car
was just a way of getting from point "A" to point "B"
and on weekends, point "C," but that was the old me.
That man died the moment I laid eyes on the 1979 Honda Accord.
I've always admired car owners,
and I hope to be one myself
as soon as I finish paying off Mother.
She insists I pay her retroactively
for the food I ate as a child.
Yeah, yeah. That's unfortunate.
Well, Seymour, I make superintendent money
which amply covers both food and car.
Holy jumping Caesar's catfish!
My "H" has been stolen.
Oh, that's how people know it's a Honda.
What's the point of having a Honda
if you can't show it off?
Sir, if you'll just stop yelling at me
I'm sure I can find a replacement.
Here we… I'll just…
Hey! Get away from my car!
- Uh-oh. This way. - Uh-oh.
Eh… morning, Apu.
Good morning.
One doughnut with sprinkles…
Wait a minute, these are not sprinkles, sir.
- What do you mean? - You've clearly taken items
from the candy rack and placed them on top of the doughnut
in an attempt to pass them off as sprinkles.
Well, it was like that when I got here.
- It really was. - A Mounds bar is not a sprinkle.
A Twizzler is not a sprinkle.
A Jolly Rancher is not a sprinkle, sir.
Perhaps in Shangri-La they are, but not here.
Thank you. Come again.
Ah, looks like we put the kibosh
on another two-bit telephone swindle, boys.
Frankly, I would have expected better from Jimmy the Scumbag.
Meh.
- Hey, what's this thing? - Huh? Well, that's an auto-dialer.
This bird was using it to pull a telemarketing scam.
But instead, he's going to rot in the slammer
for the next 20 years.
Bread and water, icy showers,
guards whomping your ass round the clock,
and the only way out is suicide.
Telemarketing, eh?
Ha-ha!
Oh, you think this stolen "H"
is a laugh riot, don't you?
Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny.
Right now Superintendent Chalmers is at home
crying like a little girl.
I guess it is a little funny.
Nonetheless, I will find the culprit.
We'll start with… oh, I don't know…
Bart Simpson.
Um, I don't think you want to look in there, sir.
Balderdash. I'll just stick my head right in…
half a dozen eggs?
Well, that would be the complete dozen.
All right, rather than tempt fate, I'll move along now.
And so we reach the bottom of the barrel,
Nelson Muntz.
The cold, hard process of elimination places the "H"
squarely in your locker.
Ha-ha!
Damn! Dang! Darn!
A principal's ransom in stolen goods.
Well, sir,
who's ha-ha-ing now?
I don't know, but he's got lethal tuna-breath.
Ooh!
Who does Nelson think he's impressing anyway
acting so cool all the time?
Not me.
All right, Mr. Smartenheimer, that does it.
First, you're going to give back everything you've stolen.
Then I'm sentencing you to one week
of the lowest, most degrading work known to man.
- Janitorial work. - Ah, gee.
I'm standing right here, sir.
Ah, yes. Uh…
Take a good look at him, Nelson,
'cause that's where you're headed.
After you claim your stolen merchandise,
go directly to Mr. Muntz for an apology.
Bite me.
Cram it.
You're dead.
Get bent, ma'am.
Why do you have to be such a pain all the time?
Don't you realize you're getting a bad reputation?
Don't you realize your butt sticks out?
It does not.
- Hey! - Ha-ha!
An automatic dialer? Is that legal?
I don't want you getting arrested, Homer.
I won't.
Or swindling our neighbors.
Let me show you how it works.
This baby has every phone number in town programmed into it.
It automatically calls them one by one and plays my message.
Listen.
Ahoy-hoy?
Greetings, friend.
Do you wish to look as happy as me?
Well, you've got the power inside you right now,
so use it and send one dollar to Happy Dude,
742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield.
Don't delay.
Eternal happiness is just a dollar away.
one dollar for eternal happiness.
Mmm…
I'd be happier with the dollar.
Now we just sit by the mailbox
and watch the money roll in.
But you're going to annoy thousands of people
just to make a few measly dollars.
It's nothing but panhandling.
Tele-panhandling.
And should there be requests for an encore,
we will reprise "Pop Goes the Weasel."
Otherwise, we will file out quietly.
And that's how Willie waters.
Now, you take the hoose.
The moose?
The hoose! The hoose!
Is this right?
Agh, turn off the noozle!
The noodles? What noodles?
The noozle at the end of the hoose.
Miss Simpson?
Do you find something funny about the word tromboner?
No, sir. I was laughing at something outside.
She was looking at Nelson.
♪ Lisa likes Nelson *
She does not.
* Milhouse likes Lisa *
He does not.
* Janey likes Milhouse *
She does not!
* Uter likes Milhouse *
Nobody likes Milhouse.
Lisa, you've got detention.
Oh, how does Bart do this every week?
Hey, brainiac. Since when do you get detention?
It's your fault. I accidentally laughed at your immature prank.
Ha! Yeah.
The best part was when he got wet.
Hey, you're doing that the stupid way.
If you use that deal with the five chalks
you'll get done faster.
Thanks, but I prefer the honest way.
Whatever. Smell you later.
Wow, that was a good idea,
and I can't believe it came from Nelson.
He's not like anybody I've ever met.
He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma
wrapped in a vest.
Sure is ugly, though.
So why can't I stop staring at him?
Oh, no.
I think I'm getting a crush on Nelson Muntz.
Hey, Willie! Catch the football!
All right, I'll…
Milhouse, I've never told anyone
this kind of thing before,
but I've never felt this way before.
I think I have a crush…
Uh, oh, really?
On Nelson Muntz.
Way to drink, Poindexter!
You like Nelson?
But he's a creep,
and he chipped one of my permanent teeth.
But I bet underneath
he's a sweet, sensitive person… like you.
I guess you could say I want to bring out
the Milhouse in Nelson.
But I'm all Milhouse!
Plus, my mom says I'm the handsomest guy in school.
I like you too, Milhouse,
but not in that way.
- You're more like a big sister. - No, I'm not.
Why does everybody keep saying that?
Would you do me a favor?
When you get back to class, just give him this note.
Ohh…
Please?
When she sees you'll do anything she says,
she's bound to respect you.
Sure! What's a big sister for?
Oh… I shouldn't have said that.
"Guess who likes you."
Milhouse, I'm so sorry.
He can't hear you now.
We had to pack his ears with gauze.
Nelson. Um…
that note Milhouse gave you,
it wasn't from him.
It was from… me.
You? Why would you like me?
No girls like me.
Are you wearing a wire?
I don't know why I like you, I just do.
So… what do you think?
It's okay… I guess.
Do I have to do anything?
Well, would you like
to come over to my house after school?
Okay. But if anybody sees us,
I'm just there to steal your bike.
Huh? Ooh.
Whoo-hoo! Two dollars!
It's working!
I don't feel any happier.
How about you?
Mmm, a little.
Oh, you got to see this.
It's so cute what she does.
Be the baby, kitty.
Go on. Be the baby!
Come on.
Snowball!
You don't understand.
She loves to climb in here.
I believe you! I don't care!
Hey, Lise, Mom said you had the toenail clippers, and…
Whoa, Lisa! Look out! Nelson's in our house!
It's okay. I invited him over.
- Nelson's my new friend. - Are you nuts?
I'll probably never say this to you again,
but you can do better.
Please don't ruin this for me, Bart.
I think he's starting to like me.
- Milhouse likes you. - Oh, please!
Milhouse likes Vaseline on toast.
Oh, pawns can't move that way, you stupid arm!
Lab.
Greetings, friend.
Do you wish to look as happy as me?
Why, it's the AT-5000 auto-dialer,
my very first patent.
Ah, would you listen to the gibberish
they've got you saying?
It's sad and alarming.
You were designed to alert schoolchildren
about snow days and such.
Well, let's get you home to Frinky.
Hope your wheels still work.
Oh, no, you don't.
You're the first person I've had over to the house
since my dad went nuts.
"Nuke the whales"?
You don't really believe that, do you?
I don't know. Gotta nuke something.
Touché.
You play the guitar?
Oh, yeah. I'm a superstar.
Would you play a song for me?
Oh. Okay.
* Joy to the world *
* The teacher's dead *
* We barbecued her head *
* What happened to her body? *
* We flushed it down the potty *
* And round and round it goes *
* And round and round it… goes *
I wish I could laugh
at the idea of a teacher being decapitated.
I know.
It's funny, huh?
Hardly.
Listen, I'm getting pretty tired.
I'm going to go to sleep for a while.
Smell you later.
- How am I supposed to get home? - I don't know.
You should have thought of that before you came over. Heh.
I feel so stupid, Mom.
Nelson's not right for me at all,
and I don't think he ever will be.
Well, most women will tell you that you're a fool
to think you can change a man,
but those women are quitters.
- What? - When I first met your father,
he was loud, crude, and piggish,
but I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person.
- Mom? - He's a whole new person, Lisa.
Oh, I know.
Mmm.
I wonder if I could change Nelson.
Very sharp.
Oh, but I feel like such a tool.
I know it's a change,
but it highlights your sweet and sensitive side.
Aw, crap.
Isn't it nice up here?
What are you thinking, Nelson?
What am I thinking about what?
- About anything. - Nothing.
Mm… what do you feel?
What's inside you right now?
Guts and black stuff…
and about 50 Slim Jims.
Come on, Nelson, you must think and feel things.
I mean, look where we are…
a rolling, green hillside, the stars coming out
like God is lighting a million tiny candles.
The moon looking down on us as if to say…
My first kiss.
I always wondered what it would be like.
This ought to shut her up.
Hey… this isn't so bad.
That was pretty fine.
See? You do have a tender side.
You just needed someone to bring it out.
Yeah. That was pretty rockin'.
Oh, man! You kissed a girl!
That is so gay!
Listen, you thugs! Stop making fun of him or you'll be sorry.
Whoa!
You'll be so sorry when you realize
how you've hurt the feelings of a sweet young man.
He's not like you anymore. He's changed.
And he doesn't want to hang around
with a bunch of crumb-bums.
Crumb-bums?
Nobody calls me a crumb-bum.
Hey, back off, James.
I'll handle this, Lisa. You go have a fig bar.
Hey, thanks for embarrassing me, dingus.
You asked for it, man.
You're broadcasting geek rays
over the entire valley.
'Fraid not. I'm still wicked bad.
Oh, yeah? Then prove it, ass butt.
Come raid Skinner's house with us.
We found a bunch of rancid coleslaw
in the Dumpster behind Krusty Burger.
Yeah, and we're going to go heave it at his house.
Cool!
I'd love to get even with Skinner.
Uh…
Uh, but I better not.
Chicken!
- Lame-o! - Girl lover!
- Fancy pants! - Charlatan!
You got rid of them, and you did it like a gentleman
without any violence.
Yeah.
I know you don't like that stuff.
Howdily-diddely.
Greetings, friends.
Do you wish to look as…
Oh, it was that darn recording again.
Of course it was.
It's been calling all night. Just unplug the phone.
Howdily…
- Greetings, friends. - Dang!
I told you to unplug the phone.
But it could be my mother.
- Howdy… - Greetings, friends.
- Shoot! - That is it, Ned.
If you don't unplug that phone right now,
you're sleeping on the lawn.
Will you two shut up?
People are trying to sleep!
Great Barrier Reef! We're under attack!
Eat slaw, Skinner!
We're slawing him up good!
Nelson doesn't know what he's missing.
Why is he wasting his time with that Simpson chick?
'Cause your mom had a three-month waiting list.
- All right! - I knew you'd be back.
Hey, what'd you say about my mom?
I missed you guys.
Let's never fight again.
Who's out there? Give me your names so I can tell the police.
Seymour, what's going on?
What's that odor?
Go back to bed, Mother.
I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb-bums.
If you think I'm impressed, I am not.
Oh, brandishing your buttocks is only getting me angrier.
I want to see what's going on!
No, Mother, don't look out the window!
Cops! Everybody split up.
Lisa, the cops are chasing me.
I need a place to hide.
Lisa's window is the next one.
- Howdly-doo… - Greetings, friends.
Ned, did you plug that phone back in?
Shut up!
And I wasn't even there, honest.
Skinner's just out to get me.
That's so unfair.
Uh-oh.
Meet me at the back door.
Aha! I had a feeling we'd find you here.
- Chief, no! - What'd you do that for?
Well, that thing's been driving the whole town nuts.
Got me out of the bath seven times. Seven!
Hey, who shot the auto-dialer?
Marge's auto-dialer.
See you in court, Simpson.
Oh, and, uh, bring that evidence with you.
Otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free, you know.
Uh, Chief, what about those coleslaw punks?
Well, I can't be everywhere at once, Lou, now can I?
You know, in most cities, the chief of police
doesn't even go out on calls like these.
- Yeah, yeah. We know, Chief. - We appreciate it.
- Count our blessings every day. - We're very appreciative.
I think they're giving up.
Thanks for helping me out. You're a stand-up babe.
Hey, check it out.
Skinner's mopping the goo off his house.
Wait till he finds what I left in his birdbath.
No!
I thought you weren't there.
Huh?
Oh, yeah. Uh… I guess I was.
- You lied to me. - Nuh-uh.
There. You did it again.
All right, all right, I lied. I'm sorry. Let's kiss.
No! You don't understand, Nelson.
A kiss doesn't mean anything if it's dishonest.
Um… there's a niceness to it.
I was foolish to think I'd actually changed you.
Maybe I was seeing things in you
that weren't really there.
Definitely.
Then why did you want to be with me?
Mmm-mm, maybe 'cause you were the first person
that ever thought there was a nice guy inside me.
Hmm. Well, guess you really blew that one, huh?
Well, I guess this is it.
You mean, like, good-bye?
Let's just call it "smell you later."
Hi, Lisa.
Could I talk to you,
or would that just make Nelson whale on me again?
Don't worry. Nelson and I don't like each other anymore.
Really?
You got anybody in mind for your next crush?
Well, I'm really not thinking about that now.
I suppose it could be almost anybody.
Yes!
Hello. This is Homer Simpson, A.K.A. Happy Dude.
The court has ordered me to call every person in town
to apologize for my telemarketing scam.
I'm sorry.
If you can find it in your heart to forgive me,
send one dollar to Sorry Dude,
742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield.
You have the power.
♪♪
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.