* The Simpsons *
D'oh!
Aah!
Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy.
The following tale of alien encounters is true
and by true, I mean false.
It's all lies, but they're entertaining lies,
and in the end, isn't that the real truth?
The answer is "no."
Our story begins on a friday morning
in a little town called Springfield.
T.G.I.F., guys. I'm off to Moe's.
But, Homer, it's 10:00 in the morning.
Don't worry, I have a plan.
I saw this in a movie
about a bus that had to "speed" around a city
keeping its "speed" over 50
and if its "speed" dropped, it would explode.
I think it was called…
"The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
First, I hook this common VCR into the security camera system
like so…
then I insert this old videotape of us working
on a continuous loop.
So, another Friday is upon us.
What'll you be doing, Smithers?
Something gay, no doubt.
Wha…? What?!
You know, lighthearted, fancy-free.
Mothers, lock up your daughters.
Smithers is on the town.
Exactly, sir.
Thank God it's Wednesday.
It's Friday.
Uh-oh. Wrong pills.
Uh… little help?
Sorry, Donkey Kong.
You're just not a draw anymore.
Hey, he's still got it.
…38, 39, 40 quarters.
This better be good.
Game over. Please deposit 40 quarters.
What a rip!
Thank God it's Friday.
Hello?
Bad dog!
Bad cat!
Bad fawn! Hmm.
- Shoo-shoo! - All right!
It's time for ABC's "T.G.I.F. lineup."
Lis, when you get a little older
you'll learn that Friday's just another day
between NBC's "Must-See Thursday"
and CBS's "Saturday Night Craparama."
Another Duff, Homer?
Nah. It's Friday night, Moe.
I want to try something special.
Uh, sure, sure.
Eh, here you go.
"Doof-uh." From Sweden.
Skoal!
Wait a minute. This is Duff.
You got me, didn't you?
All right, here you go… Red tick beer.
Hmm. Bold, refreshing.
And something I can't quite put my finger on.
Hmm… needs more dog.
Well, it's 1:00 A.M. Better go home
and spend some quality time with the kids.
Just a second, Homer.
You got to take a breathalyzer test
before I let you drive home.
Ah… I guess I'll walk home.
Ooh!
Oh, son, I'm glad to see you.
I went for the morning paper and I got lost.
- No time for you, old man. - Oh…
Please, don't hurt me.
Don't be afraid.
Unh!
Homer, it's 2:00 A.M.
- What happened? - It was an alien, Marge.
It appeared in front of me and said, "Don't be afraid."
Have you been drinking?
No… Well, ten beers.
I'm telling you
I saw a creature from another planet.
Maybe you just dreamed it.
Oh, yeah? Well, when I came to
I was covered with a sticky translucent goo.
Explain that.
More sausage?
Dad, according to "Junior Skeptic Magazine,"
the chances are 175 million to one
of another form of life actually coming in contact with ours.
- So? - It's just that
the people who claim they've seen aliens
are always pathetic lowlifes with boring jobs.
Oh, and you, Dad.
I am the thing from Uranus.
Oh, it's Bart.
I can't believe it.
I'm being mocked by my own children.
On my birthday.
- It's your birthday? - Yes.
Remember, it's the same day as the dog's.
Santa's Little Helper, it's your birthday?
Ooh, we've got to get you a present.
Yes, we do. Yes, we do.
We love you, boy.
Good doggy. Good doggy.
Lousy lovable dog.
Oh, it was awful.
They set me on a cold metal table,
and prodded me with humiliating probes, and…
Oh, wait. That was my physical.
Great story, Homer, really.
The alien has a sweet heavenly voice…
Like Urkel.
And he appears every Friday night…
Like Urkel.
Well, your story is very compelling,
Mr. Jackass. I mean, uh, Simpson.
So I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
You don't have to humiliate me.
I just torched a building downtown
and I'm afraid I'll do it again.
Oh, yeah, right.
I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
Fruitcake.
Look at this, Scully.
There's been another unsubstantiated U.F.O. sighting
in the heartland of America.
We've got to get there right away.
Well, gee, Mulder,
there's also this report of a shipment of drugs
and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.
I hardly think the F.B.I.'s concerned
with matters like that.
Hello. Can I help you?
Agents Mulder and Scully… F.B.I.
Is this about that pen
that I took from the post office?
I-I swear, I didn't know I put it in my purse.
Then I was going to bring it back but the dog chewed it up,
and that just made things worse.
Actually, we're here to see your husband about his U.F.O. encounter.
Oh… come… come in.
Mr. Simpson, look at this lineup
and tell us if any of these are the aliens you saw.
Yo.
No, I'm sorry.
Oh, this makes me very angry.
Now we're going to run a few tests.
This is a simple lie detector.
I'll ask you a few "yes" or "no" questions,
and you just answer truthfully.
Do you understand?
Yes.
Ow.
Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test?
No point. I just thought
he could stand to lose a little weight.
His jiggling is almost hypnotic.
Yes, it's like a lava lamp.
All right, Homer,
we want you re-create your every move
the night you saw this alien.
Well, the evening began at the gentleman's club,
where we were discussing Wittgenstein
over a game of backgammon.
Mr. Simpson, it's a felony
to lie to the F.B.I.
We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard.
You happy?
You are one fine-looking woman, lady.
If I wasn't married,
I'd go out with you like that.
I am so sorry.
Whatever you do, don't tell Marge.
God, I love her.
I… Hey, a penny.
So, who are you guys anyhow?
Agents Mulder and Scully…
F.B.I.
F.B.I., huh?
Uh, excuse me.
All right, they're onto us.
Get him back to Sea World.
So I says, "Blue M&M, red M&M.
They all wind up the same color in the end."
Homer, why don't you show us where you went
when you left the bar.
I was standing right here
when the horrible creature emerged from the woods.
For the love of God, help me!
I've been here for four days,
and a turtle's got a hold of my teeth.
There he is.
Come back here, you.
Slow down. I'll get you.
This is the worst assignment we've ever had.
Worse than the time
we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus?
Ow! He bit me with my own teeth!
No, this is much more irritating.
I've seen enough, Mulder. Let's go.
Yeah, okay.
But somewhere out there, something is watching us.
There are alien forces
acting in ways we can't perceive.
Are we alone in the universe?
Impossible, when you consider the wonders
that exist around us.
…voodoo priests of Haiti,
the Tibetan numerologists of Appalachia,
the unsolved mysteries of "Unsolved Mysteries."
The truth is out there.
Who would have thought a whale could be so heavy?
Cheese it. The Feds.
Oh, Marge, I've never felt so alone.
No one believes me.
Uh, this is the part where you're supposed to say
"I believe you, Homer."
I don't believe you, Homer.
You do? Oh, Marge, you've made me so happy.
Mmm, you're not listening.
You're only hearing what you want to hear.
Thanks. I'd love an omelet right about now.
Homer, please, I try to be supportive,
but this has gone too far.
Please just let it be.
No, I can't. This is my cause.
I'm like the man who singlehandedly built the rocket
and went to the moon.
What was his name, Apollo Creed?
Please, let's just go to sleep.
No, I refuse to share a bed with someone who thinks I'm crazy.
Unless you're feeling amorous.
No, I'm not.
Well, then, good night.
Hey, Dad, what's the word from planet crackpot?
Oh, I suppose you're going to mock me too.
Well, actually, Dad, I believe you.
- You do? - Yes, I do.
You seem so damn sure.
Thank you, son.
And do you think you could stop the casual swearing?
- Hell, yes. - That's my boy.
Well, if you believe in me
then I'm not going to give up.
I'll prove I'm right.
This Friday we're going back to the woods
and we're going to find that alien.
What if we don't?
We'll fake it and sell it to the Fox network.
They'll buy anything.
Now, son, they do a lot of quality programming too.
I kill me.
- Bud… - weis…
er.
- Bud… - weis…
er.
Coors.
Yo, Dad, can I have a sip of your beer?
Now, son, you don't want to drink beer.
That's for daddies and kids with fake I.D.s.
Besides, it's such a beautiful night.
How about a ghost story?
…and that is how much college will cost for Maggie.
No. No! No!
You know, Dad,
it doesn't matter that we didn't see the alien.
I really had a great time out here.
Yeah, me too.
It's him!
I bring you peace.
As a representative of planet Earth,
let me be the first to say…
D'oh! It's gone.
And we still don't have any proof.
Oh, yes, we do.
I got it all on tape.
Good work, son!
We did it! We did it!
And so, from this simple man came the proof
that we are not alone in the universe.
I'm Leonard Nimoy.
Good night.
Uh, Mr. Nimoy, we have ten minutes left.
Oh… fine.
Well, let me just get, uh, something out of my car.
I don't think he's coming back.
Tonight, on "Eyewitness News, "
a man who's been in a coma for 23 years wakes up.
Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show?
No. She won an Oscar, and he's a congressman.
Good night!
But first, E.T. phone Homer…
Simpson, that is.
Marge! Kids! They're about to show my videotape.
Local man Homer Simpson,
shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamppost,
has given us this videotape.
It's a close encounter of the blurred kind.
I bring you peace.
The alien has appeared in the same Springfield pasture
the past two Friday nights.
Will it appear again this Friday?
The entire Channel 6 news team will be there,
except for Phil, the boom mike operator
who's getting fired tomorrow.
Very unprofessional, Phil.
Well, Lis, what do you think about the alien now?
I think there must be a more logical explanation
and I think the people of this town aren't going to be won over
by three seconds of videotape.
Uh… I'm happy to answer any questions
you have about the alien. Any questions at all.
Dr. Hibbert?
Yes, is the alien carbon-based or silicon-based?
Uh… the second one.
Zilliphone. Next question.
Is the alien Santa Claus?
Uh… yes.
Uh, were you on my roof last night
stealing my weather vane?
This interview is over.
I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens.
He came in peace, and then died,
only to come back to life.
And his name was…
E.T., the extraterrestrial.
I loved that little guy.
Leonard Nimoy, what are you doing here?
Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained,
- cosmic forces shall draw me near. - Uh-huh.
Hey, Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
Surprise me.
Take a look at this, Lisa.
You don't see any
"Homer is a dope" t-shirts, do you?
We sold those out in five minutes.
D'oh!
Marge, how could you?
These shirts are a hundred percent cotton
and look at the fine stitching on "dope."
I'll take two.
Look! There it is.
Oh, Homie…
Homie, I'm so sorry I doubted you.
I bring you love.
Is that the love between a man and a woman,
or the love of a man for a fine cuban cigar?
Uh… I bring you love.
It's bringing love! Don't let it get away!
Break its legs!
Wait!
You want an alien?
This is your alien.
Hello, children. I bring you love.
Eh! It's a monster!
Kill it! Kill it!
It's not a monster. It's Mr. Burns.
Aw, it's Mr. Burns.
Kill it! Kill it!
No. No, let me explain.
Every Friday evening after work,
Mr. Burns undergoes a series of medical treatments
designed to cheat death for another week.
First, Mr. Burns' chiropractors
perform a slight spinal adjustment…
Then a team of doctors administers eye drops…
painkillers…
Ooh.
…and a vocal chord scraping.
Don't worry. You won't feel a thing…
till I jam this down your throat!
The whole ordeal leaves Mr. Burns twisted and disoriented.
* La la la la la *
The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money.
But… what's with the glowing?
Um, I'll field that question.
A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant
has given me a healthy green glow…
and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
And now that I'm back to normal,
I don't bring you peace and love.
I bring you fear, famine, pestilence, and…
Time for a booster!
* Good morning, star shine *
* The Earth says hello *
* You twinkle above us *
* We twinkle below *
All: ♪ Good morning, star shine *
* You lead us along… *
Well, you said you'd bring them peace and love,
and it looks like you did it.
I'm proud of you, Homie. Mwah!
Thanks, Marge.
* Tooby-ooby-walla *
d Nooby-abba-nabba *
* Early morning singing song *
And so concludes our tale.
I'm Leonard Nimoy.
Good night, and keep watching the skis…
Uh, skies.
♪♪
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.