* The Simpsons *
D'oh!
Live from Springfield Penitentiary's
fabulous big open area in cell block "D"
it's the Krusty The Clown Prison Special.
* I slugged some jerk in Tahoe *
* They gave me one to three *
* My high-priced lawyer sprung me *
* On a technicality *
* I'm just visiting Springfield Prison *
* I get to sleep at home tonight *
Hey, hey, I kid.
I kid 'cause I love.
I tell you, the best folk in the world
are prison folk.
Man, those cons love Krusty.
Inside every hardened criminal
beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
And vice versa.
Just remember, Bart, convicts aren't cool.
They're bad people.
Yeah, maybe so, but they get the job done.
Hey! Now I know where my tax dollars are going.
Huh?
Hey, hey, it's my old TV sidekick
Sideshow Bob.
Why, I haven't seen you in years.
What have you been doing with yourself, Bob?
Well, Krusty, as you may remember,
after I tried to frame you for armed robbery,
I tried to murder Selma Bouvier.
Let's see… I rigged the mayoral elections,
I tried to blow up Springfield with a nuclear device,
and I tried to kill you.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And whenever I could find a spare moment,
I've tried to murder.
Bart Simpson.
He said, "tried."
Someone should really go up there
and talk to him.
Whew.
Homer!
Oh, all those stairs…
Oh, you have nothing to worry about, honey.
Your mother's right, Bart.
Sure, you're the one who ruined
all of Sideshow Bob's criminal schemes…
We're very proud of you, by the way.
And sure, he's probably so insane with rage
that he'd butcher you horribly if he could.
But he's safely locked away.
In a medium-security prison.
- For life. - Unless he gets out somehow.
Which is impossible.
Or so you think,
except he's done it so many times before.
Thanks for trying, guys,
but Sideshow Bob wants me dead,
and Sideshow Bob
is an unstoppable killing machine.
* I once *
* Was lost *
* But now am found *
* Was blind but now I see *
Well, that was lovely, Robert.
You other cons could benefit from his shining example.
Now, really, Reverend,
your praise is going to get me beaten up.
Oh, I'm sorry, Bob,
but your transformation is truly inspiring.
Yes.
I'm a good, good man.
You know, it's hard to believe this model prisoner
could be the same monstrous fiend
who once ran for mayor.
It's a pleasure to have recommended you
for the work-release program.
Me? I'm touched. I really am.
But you'll never find anyone willing to hire
a five-time loser like me.
I already have.
Cecil?
Is it really you?
Hello, brother.
I'm happy to see you.
But it's been ten years.
We haven't spoken since the…
unpleasantness.
You mean Arthur Fiedler's wake?
No, no, no. I mean our falling out.
Oh, that.
That's ancient history.
Let's make a fresh start.
Come work for me.
But this is wonderful.
You do know I used to have a…
problem with trying to kill people?
Goodness, I had no idea.
For, you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade
in a cave with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.
Touché, Cecil.
I'm aware of your felonious past,
but you are still my brother,
and blood is thicker than bread and water.
You don't have to worry about me, brother.
I'm all murdered out.
Praise the Lord.
Get back in there! Get back in there!
How can you even think of releasing Sideshow Bob?
He's just faking it to get out of jail.
He's a maniac!
Bob is no maniac.
He explained his reasons for trying to kill us all.
And I assure you, they were perfectly sane.
Oh, you gotta be kidding!
My friends, please.
I make no secret of my past.
But isn't our system of justice
based on the idea that a man can change?
Have the boys check into that.
I know I don't deserve another chance,
but this is America.
And as an American, aren't I entitled to one?
Probably!
Can't you find it in your hearts
just to let me live and work in peace?
Don't you see what you've done?
Sideshow Bob hasn't reformed.
He's pure evil!
Oh, if only you knew what he was thinking.
I hope they still make that shampoo I like.
Now, make yourself at home.
Perhaps a glass of Bordeaux?
I have the '82 Chateau Latour
and a rather indifferent Rausan-Segla.
I've been in prison, Cecil.
I'll be happy just as long as it doesn't taste
like orange drink fermented under a radiator.
That would be the Latour, then.
And God bless Mom and Dad and Lisa and Maggie
and, please, God, kill Sideshow Bob.
Bart, no!
It's him or me, o, Lord.
Ow!
You can't ask God to kill someone.
Yeah! You do your own dirty work.
Well, I suppose I should ask you what you do
if I'm to be working with you.
For me, Bob. For me.
I am Springfield's
chief hydrological and hydrodynamical engineer.
Hydrological and hydrodynamical…
talk about running the gamut.
Snigger all you like, Bob.
Thank you. I believe I shall.
But you'll find one gets more respect
as a humble civil servant than as a homicidal maniac
or a clown's sidekick.
Aha! I knew it.
You're still angry that Krusty picked me instead of you.
I can't imagine what you mean.
Oh, come now.
You wanted to be Krusty 's sidekick since you were five!
What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college?
I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.
The point is you obviously still blame me
for what happened at your audition.
Thanks for driving me, big brother.
These giant clown mitts are extremely hilarious,
but do make it difficult to shift gears.
That's the title of Erma Bombeck's latest, isn't it?
Number 73!
You're next. Make with the laugh-laugh.
Hey, children.
Meet me, Sideshow Cecil.
Next.
Uh, I have prepared a pie-in-the-face take.
All right. Knock yourself out, kid.
Hal?
Ooh.
Free comedy tip, slick:
The pie gag's only funny when the sap's got dignity,
like that guy.
Hey, Hal, pie job for Lord Autumnbottom there.
Oh, dear.
That guy's a genius!
He's gonna change the way
we think about getting hit by pies!
Chumley, you're hired.
When that pie hit your face,
I saw my dreams explode in a burst of cream and crust.
But I suppose I should thank you.
After all, it led me to my true calling.
Cecil, no civilization in history
has ever considered chief hydrological engineer
a calling.
Yes, yes. The Cappadocians.
Fine.
There it is… the future site
of the Springfield hydroelectric dam.
Just the thought of all that raw, surging power
makes me wonder why the hell I should care.
Because you'll be supervising the construction crew.
Oh, great.
Whenever a woman passes by,
I suppose it will be my job to lead the hooting.
"Oh, yeah! Shake it, madam.
Capital knockers!"
Come on, Bob.
This is your chance to show the people of Springfield
you can hold down an honest job.
He's planning something evil… I know it.
It must have something to do with the town's water supply.
Maybe he's gonna pee in the river!
Mmm. Nah. That's not his style.
Who is that?
Why…
it's Bart Simpson!
Hello, Bart!
He's just a little shy because I've tried to kill him so many times.
Oh.
I really must thank you
for this moment of tranquility, Edna.
You know, I haven't been on a date in six years.
Oh, the pleasure's mine, Bob.
It's so exciting to be dating a killer.
To be fair, I never successfully killed anyone.
Oh. I see.
I did once try to kill the world's greatest lover,
but then, I realized there are laws against suicide.
- You get my drift? - Oh, you.
Mrs. Krabappel, no! That's Sideshow Bob!
Well, that's the last time
I announce my dinner plans in class.
That was Edna Krabappel.
You only get one chance with Edna Krabappel.
I hope you're happy.
I won't be happy until I find out
what you're up to.
Wherever you go and whatever you do,
I'll be there watching and waiting.
He says that, but I bet he gives up pretty quickly.
Hello, brother. All's well, I trust?
It most certainly is not!
The workmen you've given me don't know their asses
from the hole in the ground
they accidentally blew yesterday.
Come now, you speak as if they were a gaggle
of slack-jawed yokels.
Mr. Terwilliger, come quick!
There's trouble down to the "see-ment" mixer, sir!
See, cousin Merl and me
was playin' fetch with Geech…
that's our old smellhound… and…
Geech gone to heaven, Mr. Terwilliger.
Oh, cousin Merl, really!
Temper, temper.
You know cousin Merl ain't been quite right lately.
I'm telling you, Cecil,
I can't take much more of this…
rustic workmen who've turned the Sanijohn
into a smokehouse…
coveralls that don't quite cover all…
and a psychotic little boy
who will not stop hounding me!
This little boy right here.
Sometimes, I wish this dam would burst
and bury this cursed town.
Hey, you said we were going to Dairy Queen.
I lied. Now, help me rummage through Bob's trash for clues.
Then, I promise we'll go to the water slide.
Okay.
You again!
Well, that's it.
I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago.
Madam, your children are no more…
than a pair of ill-bred troublemakers.
Lisa, too?
Especially Lisa.
But especially Bart.
If he crosses me one more time, just once more…
Well, I can't be held responsible for my actions.
Well, I hope Bob fed you
'cause I ate your dinners.
I know it's hard to accept, Bart, but face it…
Sideshow Bob has changed.
No, he hasn't.
He's more the same than ever,
and I know where the evidence is.
There's only one place it could possibly be.
Bob's trailer at the construction site?
That's even better. Let's go there.
What were you thinking?
The haunted mine.
Blueprints… concrete invoices…
construction schedules…
If I didn't know better,
I'd swear Bob was building a dam.
Oh, yeah?
Then explain this.
Bart! There must be millions of dollars there!
What is Sideshow Bob doing with…
Who left the lights on?
Who's in here? Cletus? Cousin Merl?
Big Hungry Joe?
I think he may have spotted us.
Run!
You two.
Be careful.
There's hydroelectricity in there.
Whoops.
Will you children stop tormenting me?
I've done nothing wrong.
Give it up, Bob. We found the money.
Where did that come from?
I've never seen that money before in my life.
Then you must have had your eyes closed
when you embezzled it.
I told you, I'm not a criminal anymore.
You want to know what I've been up to?
Here's a clue for you, Jack.
100,000 tons of reinforced concrete.
My God, it's completely hollow.
What happened to all the concrete?
You cut back on building materials
and kept all the money for yourself.
That's what happened.
Get him, Lis.
But I wasn't in charge of the money.
Cecil was.
Now, let's stop bickering and get out of here.
This dam could collapse at any minute.
One minute past sunrise, to be precise.
Cecil?
Once I blow up the dam
there will be no evidence of missing concrete
and I walk away with 15 million.
But everyone will know you did this.
Perhaps…
or perhaps they'll blame the master criminal.
You know, the one who's been working at the dam
and has a grudge against Springfield.
I know cousin Merl has had his troubles with the revenuers
but he's hardly a master crim…
Oh. You're referring to me.
Yes. I'm framing you,
and I'm doing a really excellent job, too.
Wait a minute.
This is all because I got to be Krusty's sidekick
instead of you, isn't it?
Off the record, yes,
but officially, I did it for the money.
Speaking of which hand it over.
Ta.
I forgot to mention,
I'm planning to blow up the dam with you inside.
Well, obviously.
Oh, it's hopeless… utterly, utterly hopeless.
Oh, I see.
When it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough,
but when Cecil tries to kill you,
"It's hopeless… utterly, utterly hopeless."
Well, if you kids aren't going to foil him,
I'll have to do it myself.
Come on, quickly now.
Bart, for once, I'm not trying to kill you.
I know it's an awkward situation,
and I don't like it any more than you do,
but you've got to trust me.
Ah, what the hell.
Let's go again. Let's go again.
No!
Come on, children.
Let's go thwart my brother.
* I'm on the top of the world *
* Looking down on creation *
* And the only explanation I can find *
* Boo-boo-boo *
Um, do you know what you're doing?
Lisa, you don't spend ten years
as a homicidal maniac without learning
a few things about dynamite.
Plunger? Check.
Hard hat? Check.
$15 million and a gun?
Checkmate.
Good-bye, Bob.
No!
Guess who?
Maris?
Shoot.
Bob, look.
At last, I'm going to do what Bob never could…
kill Bart Simpson.
By throwing me off a dam?
Isn't that a little crude for a genius like you?
Ooh, I suppose it is.
If anyone asks, I'll lie.
Bart!
Cecil…
And now, to kill you.
There may be a slight ringing in your ears.
Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them.
I guess this is it. Thanks, anyway.
You know, I could snip the wires.
We'd fall to our deaths, but we'd save the entire town.
Bart, how would you like to do something incredibly noble?
Do we have to?
Yes.
You… You saved my life, Bart.
Yeah.
I guess this means you can't ever try to kill me again, huh?
Oh, I don't know about that.
Joking. Joking.
You've brought shame to this family, Cecil.
Oh, I don't relish having to write
the Christmas letter this year.
Nor I to read it.
You know, Bob, all this time
I thought you were a bungler,
but destroying the city is far tougher than I thought.
Here's your man, chief.
Cecil? I think not.
This looks like the work of crazy old Sideshow Bob.
No, chief. Bob's innocent.
It's the truth.
The truth, huh?
That sounds like the testimony
of crazy old Lisa Simpson.
Cecil just voluntarily confessed, chief.
That's some good work, Lou.
You'll make sergeant for this.
Uh, I already am a sergeant, chief.
Perhaps you are, but I say
Bob goes back to jail.
But, surely… I mean, I caught Cecil.
Maybe so, but Lou here says
you were resisting arrest.
No, I didn't, chief.
Quiet, Lou, or I will bust you down to sergeant
so fast, it'll make your head spin.
Funny, isn't it, Lise?
Those people down there
have no idea how close they came
to complete destruction.
Marge, I'm going to look for the kids.
I think I wet my bed.
But you can't do this.
I saved the children's lives!
I'm a hero!
Tell them they'll live to regret this.
You'll live to regret this.
Oh, thanks a lot. Now I look crazy.
There they go…
two criminal geniuses locked away together.
Who knows what diabolical schemes
they might concoct?
You give me…
I'm older. I get the top bunk.
Oh, poppycock.
I called it at the arraignment.
Get back.
So, when do they bring us the menus?
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