Spin-off!
Is there any word more thrilling to the human soul?
Hi. I'm Troy McClure.
You may remember me from such TV spin-offs
as "Son of Sanford and Son" and "After Mannix."
I'm here at the Museum of TV and Television
with a real treat for Simpsons fans, if any,
because, tonight, we present the…
♪♪
Not long ago, the Fox Network approached
the producers of "The Simpsons" with a simple request:
35 new shows to fill a few holes
in their programming lineup.
That's a pretty daunting task,
and the producers weren't up to it.
Instead, they churned out three Simpsons spin-offs,
transplanting already popular characters
into new locales and situations.
First up, a gritty crime drama
starring Springfield's beloved police chief Wiggum.
Keep at least one eye open,
'cause his best friends, The Simpsons,
just might pop in to wish him luck.
Let's us wish him luck, too.
Good luck, Wiggum.
♪♪
Ah, New Orleans.
The Big Easy.
Sweet Lady Gumbo.
Old Swampy.
I still don't understand, Clancy.
Why give up your job as a small-town police chief
to set up a detective shop in New Orleans?
Oh, lots of reasons, I suppose.
Got kicked off the force for one thing.
For massive corruption.
- For massive corr… Exactly. - Yeah.
As for me, I was born and bred here
in the mean streets of "N'awlins."
Oh, sure, I left briefly
to take that principal's job in Springfield,
but in my heart,
I've always been a small-time hustler.
I know. That's precisely why I hired you
as my leg man, Skinny Boy.
I want you to put the word out.
Chief Wiggum is here to clean up this crime dump.
Bleh.
Hmm? Looks like you've already got an enemy, Chief.
You know, folks around here don't much care for law-and-order types.
Is that right? Well, maybe they'll change their minds
once I arrest them for throwing skulls all over my floor.
Aw, man, what a day.
It's no cakewalk being a single parent
juggling a career and a family
like so many juggling balls.
Two, I suppose.
Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.
You wear them until you learn, son.
Mwah.
- I gar-ohn-tee… - Will you stop saying that?
So, Skinner, who do you figure threw that skull through my window?
What's the word on the street?
Well, to be honest, Chief,
I haven't lived in New Orleans for 42 years.
Although…
according to an article I read in "Parade" magazine,
a criminal by the name of "Big Daddy" runs this town.
Big Daddy, eh?
Well, he won't feel so big
if he messes with Chief Wiggum, P.I. again,
which I sincerely doubt he will.
Hey.
Oh, God!
Lucky for you, this was just a warning gator.
The next one won't be corked.
Listen up, Big Daddy!
You don't scare me.
I'm three steps ahead of you.
Oh, Chief? Your boy has been kidnapped.
Oh, God!
Big Daddy's trademark calling card.
See, it's right here inside the skull.
Looks like we've got our first case ever, Skinny Boy,
and this time it's personal.
Chief Wiggum, P.I. will return right now.
Who is this?
It's me, Chief. I'm on the other extension.
Now, you listen up, mon ami,
and you listen good, heah?
The name's Daddy, Charles Daddy.
Big Daddy! What have you done with my boy, Daddy?
Ah, the boy is fine, so far.
I taught him to play the spoons.
If you ever want to see that boy again,
I suggest you leave town today, heah?
Huh. Sounded like some sort of party
going on in the background.
Are there any parties today, Skinner?
Nah. It's not really a party town,
though if I remember correctly, they occasionally hold
a function called Mardi… something.
Ahh.
Huh?
If it isn't my old friends from Springfield,
the Simpsons.
What brings you folks to New Orleans?
Mardi Gras, man. When the Big Easy calls,
you got to accept the charges.
Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear
about the exciting, sexy adventures
you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.
Golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped.
You haven't seen him, have you?
Caucasian male between the ages of six and ten,
thinning hair.
Over there.
Look, Big Daddy, it's Regular Daddy.
The Chief!
Ooh, I suppose I best to run.
Lord have mercy, I wish I weren't so fat.
Police business.
Hang on, son, I'm coming to… Ow, ow!
Hey, my tongue.
Hee-ya!
Ha! Ha!
Nah! Nah!
What do you suppose the rent is on a hideout like that?
It's not rented, Chief. It's stolen.
That's the Louisiana Governor's Mansion.
It's been missing for eight months.
You!
Welcome to my maison, Chief.
I've been expecting you.
Is that so, Big Daddy?
Well, expect this…
the arrest of you by me.
Mais, cher, New Orleans is my town.
Won't nobody going to mess with me.
I got interests, and I ain't talking about stamp collecting,
though I do find that extremely interesting.
Oh, yeah? Well, that makes two of us.
You know, boys
there's an old saying down on the bayou that…
He's gradually getting away, Chief.
Ah, let him go.
I have a feeling
we'll meet again each and every week,
always in more sexy and exciting ways.
Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be just like you.
Better start eating, kid.
Start eating?
I didn't mean it that way.
♪♪
Oh, hi.
Welcome back to our spin-off showcase.
Could "The Simpsons" ever have maintained its popularity
without Moe the Bartender?
Let's hope so, because Moe's leaving to do his own sitcom.
But don't panic. He's taking a familiar sidekick with him.
And his best friend Homer might just pop in to wish him luck.
Let's take a peek.
Well, I'd better go.
I got a date with that lady
in front of the drug store
who's always yelling things.
She told me she was washing her hair tonight.
Oh, I'm so desperately lonely.
Aw, quit your bellyaching, you big loser.
Who…? Who said that?
I did. It's me, Abe Simpson.
But you're d-d-dead.
I was, but I've come back…
as your love testing machine.
I'm the Love-Matic Grampa.
* While shopping for some cans *
* An old man passed away *
* He floated up toward heaven *
* But got lost along the way… *
* Now he's the Love-Matic Grampa *
* The wise, Socratic grampa *
* And he'll fill our hearts with love *
Don't be afraid, Moe.
I'm here to help you with your romantic problems.
Hey, I don't need no advice from no pinball machine.
I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love.
Yeah. All quiet on the Western front.
Ooh…
Aw, kiss my dishrag.
See, that's your problem.
You're a crab.
Ladies like sweet-talkers.
Hey, I'm sweet. I'm sweeter than Jewish wine.
Then prove it. I want you to charm the next pretty young thing
that walks through that door.
Mm, greetings.
Son, it's me.
I floated up toward heaven, but got lost along the way.
Dad, is that really you?
Darn tootin', you lousy fink.
You buried me naked
and sold my suit to buy a ping-pong table.
What kind of a son…
Call me when you get a karaoke machine.
That's the second time he pulled the plug on me.
I was just in a car accident. Can I use your phone?
Using the phone's a four-drink minimum.
What's the matter? I'm making as nice as I can.
Test-lady. Test-lady.
Go ahead, give it a try.
It goes by how clammy your hands are.
Well, I suppose I could use a laugh after that accident.
Lovelorn. You need man.
Moe near now.
Go near Moe.
- What? - Go near Moe.
I'd say that's a pretty strong endorsement.
So how about you and me go out sometime?
You know, out back.
I mean, out to dinner…
at a fancy French restaurant?
- Bing! - Sounds great.
And if this love tester is as accurate as it looks,
maybe we'll be having breakfast, too.
Wooo!
You did it, Grampa.
You really are a love expert.
Dang right.
Fact is, I invented kissing.
It was during World War I,
and they were looking
for a new way to spread germs.
Sorry, Grampa, but I got to stash you in the bathroom,
so Betty won't get wise to us.
This is not the evening I envisioned.
Oh, jeez, she just got here.
Give me some advice, quick!
You know, just be sweet, pour on the honey, you know…
Yeah, yeah, yeah, romantic.
Ain't sunshine pretty, ain't flowers stupid, I got you.
I've suffered so long, why can't I die?
You know what's great about you, Betty
is you're letting your looks go gracefully.
You're not all hung-up
on looking attractive and desirable.
It's just so rare and refreshing.
So, Moe, tell me a little about yourself.
Myself… uh… uh, jeez.
Um, I got to go to the can again.
- Huh? - I got the runs.
Hey! Get away from that! Leave him alone!
It said I was gay.
You all right, Grampa?
Oh… Daisy, Daisy…
give me your answer true…
will you quit your clowning? I need help here.
Whoa, tell her her rump's
as big as the queen's
and twice as fragrant.
Okay.
You are absolutely, positively the dumbest
haunted love tester that I have ever met.
What is going on in here?
Um, uh… Oh, gah…
I might as well come clean with you.
I ain't too good at talking to women,
and I really wanted to do you,
so I brought along the love tester to help me.
As you may have guessed,
it's inhabited by the ghost
of my friend's dead father.
Why, you conniving, devious, monstrous, despicable…
sweet, little angel.
Look, Betty, if you just give me a chance… What?
I can't believe you went to all that trouble for me.
Mmm!
Ding, ding, ding, ding.
Thanks, Grampa.
Yeah, yeah, now how's about introducing me
to that cute little pay phone out front?
He's horny.
* He's the Love-Matic Grampa *
* And he filled our hearts with love *
Welcome back.
I'm talking with the curator
of the Museum of TV and Television,
Mr. John Winslow.
In our final spin-off tonight
the Simpson family finally gets the chance
to show off the full range of their talents.
Unfortunately, one family member didn't want that chance
and refused to participate
but thanks to some creative casting,
you won't even notice.
Show us what you got, TV.
Live from Radio City Music Room in downtown Springfield,
it's The Simpson Family Smile-Time Variety Hour,
featuring the Waylon Smithers Dancers
and the Springfield Baggy Pants Players.
And now… a family that doesn't know the meaning
of the word "canceled,"
the Simpsons!
* Come on along and bring the family *
* Come along and join the fun *
* Come along and join the family *
* Join the family Simpson *
* Roll call *
Remember me? My name is Marge,
the TV mom whose hair is large.
Step back, mom, it's Bart's turn now.
Eat my shorts, don't have a cow.
I'm Lisa, peppy, blonde and stunning,
sophomore prom queen five years running.
Go… Lisa!
Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa.
Stop the music.
Where's Dad?
- Here he is! - I'm hiding from
the-the-the ghost!
- Ghost? What ghost? - Before the show,
you said we were having a special ghost tonight.
I said we were having a special guest tonight.
Mr. Tim Conway.
What's a Tim Conway?
Uh, 'bout 120 pounds.
* It's the Simpson Family *
* Smile-Time Variety Hour! *
You know, Homer, we've all been busy as beavers
preparing for our very own show.
Marge, have you ever imagined
what it would be like if we really were beavers?
Yes, and it might look something like this.
Honey I'm home.
Hello, dear. How was work at the plant?
It's not a plant, Marge.
It's a tree, and I've nearly chewed through it.
Now, remember, my new boss
is coming home for dinner tonight.
I know, and I made your favorite:
Stakes!
Hey, would you two close the dam door?
Bart!
But that's where we live… a dam!
Look, everybody! Maggie got her first tooth!
Aw!
Okay, now, before my boss comes,
there's something important you should know.
In a minute, Homie. I have to get the door.
But, Marge!
Uh, was it something I said?
Yarr! Someone should be keelhauled for that one.
I move that the last sketch be stricken from the record.
Now, bring in the next offender.
Inflation, trade deficit,
horrible war atrocities…
How are we supposed to do our big musical number
with so many problems in the world?
Well, I know one thing in this world
that's still pure and good.
Christian love?
No. Candy!
Sweet, sweet candy!
* I want candy *
But don't you want to end world famine?
* I want candy *
Or save the endangered Alaskan salmon.
* I want candy *
Well, if you won't think of society's ills…
* I want candy *
At least think of our dentist bills.
* Got a new dance, and it goes like this *
* And the name of the dance is the Peppermint Twist *
* Yeah *
* Lollipop, lollipop *
* Oh, lolli, lollipop *
* Lollipop *
Ow.
* Crack that whip *
* Licorice whip *
* I said whip it *
* Licorice whip *
* We want candy *
* Candy *
A poem, by Hans Moleman.
I think that I shall never see,
my cataracts are blinding me.
And they thought I stunk.
Well, it's time to say good night.
I wish our special guest Tim Conway
didn't have to leave so soon.
I'm still here.
Fox wouldn't spring for a decent hotel room.
He's just kidding.
We'd like to thank Fox
and the good people at Budget Lodge.
Well, that's all the time we have
so, this is the Simpson family
saying, "As you walk down that road of life…"
Hitchhike! It's faster.
Bart!
We're like this all the time.
Good night, everybody!
That's it for our spin-off showcase.
But what about the show that started it all?
How do you keep "The Simpsons" fresh and funny
after eight long years?
Well, here's what's on tap for season nine:
Magic powers!
Wedding after wedding after wedding.
And did someone say long-lost triplets?
So, join America's favorite TV family
and a tiny, green space alien named Ozmodiar
that only homer can see
on Fox this fall.
It'll be out of this world,
right, Ozmodiar?
Damn straight, Troy, my man.
TROY, OZMODIAR: Good night, America!
♪♪
CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.