1
00:00:02,230 --> 00:00:05,343
Everyone likes to
romanticize young love.

2
00:00:05,378 --> 00:00:07,748
Chloe, your eyes are so pretty.

3
00:00:07,783 --> 00:00:10,586
I love the way they distract
from your uneven teeth.

4
00:00:10,621 --> 00:00:11,955
Oh, Scott!

5
00:00:11,989 --> 00:00:15,412
The way you undermine
my self confidence is so sexy.

6
00:00:16,261 --> 00:00:20,261
But usually young love
isn't romantic at all.

7
00:00:25,079 --> 00:00:27,510
Usually it's completely
terrifying.

8
00:00:29,414 --> 00:00:32,186
Baby, it's a little soon
for second base.

9
00:00:32,499 --> 00:00:35,225
But I'm still on first.

10
00:00:36,647 --> 00:00:39,728
Hey, do you mind?
So sorry.

11
00:00:39,763 --> 00:00:41,928
Didn't see your supple
breasts there.

12
00:00:42,048 --> 00:00:45,060
Neil, this has to stop
after we're married.

13
00:00:45,180 --> 00:00:50,503
- Sync by fant0m -
Resync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

14
00:00:50,774 --> 00:00:52,441
I don't mind it a
little rough sometimes,

15
00:00:52,473 --> 00:00:55,475
but is it necessary to take
actual chunks out of me?

16
00:00:55,509 --> 00:00:57,307
Just be grateful I didn't bring
my pitchfork.

17
00:00:57,427 --> 00:01:00,274
You do not want to
know where that has been.

18
00:01:01,543 --> 00:01:03,021
Finished.

19
00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:06,846
Your flesh wounds
are getting me hot.

20
00:01:07,212 --> 00:01:08,329
Ready to go again?

21
00:01:08,449 --> 00:01:09,949
It's been three times tonight.

22
00:01:09,984 --> 00:01:12,738
Oh, come on. You wouldn't dress
that way if you didn't want it.

23
00:01:12,782 --> 00:01:14,847
I'm naked because
you burned off my clothes.

24
00:01:14,890 --> 00:01:16,525
I will take what's mine!

25
00:01:21,198 --> 00:01:23,186
Tourists from all over the world

26
00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:25,270
Are pouring into the city
for Treegasm,

27
00:01:25,309 --> 00:01:27,522
The once-in-a-generation
mating festival

28
00:01:27,550 --> 00:01:29,333
For the Central Park
tree creatures,

29
00:01:29,382 --> 00:01:30,475
Or "treetures."

30
00:01:30,872 --> 00:01:34,307
Yeesh.
Again with this Treegasm thing?

31
00:01:34,335 --> 00:01:36,387
Seriously, who cares?

32
00:01:37,011 --> 00:01:38,254
How dare you?

33
00:01:38,513 --> 00:01:40,471
Treegasm is a sacred day.

34
00:01:40,591 --> 00:01:42,498
It combines the beauty of nature

35
00:01:42,537 --> 00:01:44,122
With the filth of pornography.

36
00:01:44,157 --> 00:01:48,119
This city...if it's not Portorican Day,
it's some tree thing.

37
00:01:48,239 --> 00:01:50,347
Change it.
Fine.

38
00:01:50,495 --> 00:01:52,671
Treegasm. A retrospective.

39
00:01:52,791 --> 00:01:53,752
Oh, come on.

40
00:01:53,770 --> 00:01:57,401
Treetures, one of the most
majestic species on the planet.

41
00:01:57,653 --> 00:01:59,801
In a process
that spans decades,

42
00:01:59,921 --> 00:02:03,273
The male grows slowly towards
his female counterpart.

43
00:02:03,308 --> 00:02:04,963
Finally they permanently merge

44
00:02:05,003 --> 00:02:08,511
In a ritual known commonly
as screwing.

45
00:02:08,836 --> 00:02:10,698
Dude, can you believe
this is basic cable?

46
00:02:10,729 --> 00:02:11,587
Give me this.

47
00:02:12,137 --> 00:02:14,984
The last Treegasm in 1969

48
00:02:15,018 --> 00:02:17,353
Became an era-defining
phenomenon.

49
00:02:24,416 --> 00:02:25,627
Good lord.

50
00:02:25,851 --> 00:02:27,593
How do they not start a fire?

51
00:02:27,668 --> 00:02:28,664
She was faking it.

52
00:02:28,698 --> 00:02:31,741
But oft-forgotten in the in melee
surrounding Treegasm

53
00:02:31,776 --> 00:02:33,692
Is the potentially
cataclysmic...

54
00:02:33,740 --> 00:02:36,658
Our around-the-clock
Treegasm coverage continues

55
00:02:36,702 --> 00:02:38,407
With a performance
from Lil Wayne

56
00:02:38,527 --> 00:02:40,076
Brought to you by Pfizer.

57
00:02:40,110 --> 00:02:41,228
This is a circus.

58
00:02:41,348 --> 00:02:43,174
I guess it has got kind of corporate.

59
00:02:43,294 --> 00:02:46,408
He's singing about the simple
beauty of two trees humping.

60
00:02:48,264 --> 00:02:50,546
Leonard, can you pass me
an l6 form?

61
00:02:50,603 --> 00:02:51,897
Two minutes, mark.

62
00:02:51,936 --> 00:02:54,227
They put top wizard online.

63
00:02:57,435 --> 00:02:59,498
You call this a potion?

64
00:02:59,618 --> 00:03:01,501
More like "snore-cery."

65
00:03:01,535 --> 00:03:02,442
Snap.

66
00:03:02,562 --> 00:03:04,881
Yeesh.
I'll get it myself.

67
00:03:12,608 --> 00:03:14,442
Twayne's office, five minutes.

68
00:03:14,477 --> 00:03:15,776
Oh, and, Mark,

69
00:03:15,810 --> 00:03:18,077
can I speak with you privately?

70
00:03:22,366 --> 00:03:23,591
I don't know what it is,

71
00:03:23,711 --> 00:03:26,546
But Callie has been
really hormonal lately.

72
00:03:26,666 --> 00:03:29,294
Well, lady demons' bodies
are so toxic, mark,

73
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:31,455
They periodically shed them
for a new one.

74
00:03:31,767 --> 00:03:34,158
Sex is the only thing
that can alleviate

75
00:03:34,198 --> 00:03:36,216
Her painful mortal shedding.

76
00:03:36,737 --> 00:03:38,929
As in pms?

77
00:03:38,963 --> 00:03:40,698
Hey, that could catch on.

78
00:03:41,061 --> 00:03:42,442
Just keep her satisfied,

79
00:03:42,477 --> 00:03:44,602
And you can probably avoid
a violent death.

80
00:03:44,636 --> 00:03:46,309
Thanks for the heads-up.

81
00:03:47,315 --> 00:03:49,105
Ah, human weakling,

82
00:03:49,225 --> 00:03:51,892
Drunken wizard,
here's the dealio.

83
00:03:52,246 --> 00:03:54,636
I was recently appointed
to head up Treegasm.

84
00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:56,332
Oh, God!
Not you too.

85
00:03:56,452 --> 00:03:57,990
Since I'll need to look my best,

86
00:03:58,039 --> 00:03:59,981
I'm spending the next four days

87
00:04:00,020 --> 00:04:01,878
Getting fitted
for a triple-breasted suit.

88
00:04:02,370 --> 00:04:04,905
I'm leaving the rest to you.
Why us?

89
00:04:04,940 --> 00:04:06,981
It's called delegating.

90
00:04:06,982 --> 00:04:10,783
Please run any other form
to corporate and cc me in triplicate.

91
00:04:10,819 --> 00:04:14,720
I'm on my new palm pilot.

92
00:04:19,191 --> 00:04:21,915
Sony multiplex.
Theater 12.

93
00:04:22,035 --> 00:04:23,129
Terminal love.

94
00:04:23,375 --> 00:04:25,969
We're still in previews.
I need a wingman.

95
00:04:27,437 --> 00:04:29,600
You're at a chick flick
at 11:00 in the morning.

96
00:04:29,634 --> 00:04:31,815
It's when the most desperate
ones come out.

97
00:04:31,935 --> 00:04:34,203
Ugh, I'm going
to the next theater.

98
00:04:34,238 --> 00:04:36,839
Ah, I think
I'm gonna hang back.

99
00:04:36,873 --> 00:04:39,422
Karen, he's disgusting.

100
00:04:39,476 --> 00:04:41,052
Karen can make
her own decisions.

101
00:04:41,172 --> 00:04:42,545
Oh.

102
00:04:43,125 --> 00:04:45,251
Man up, little buddy.
We're going in.

103
00:04:45,371 --> 00:04:46,832
Let's make it rain.

104
00:04:48,509 --> 00:04:50,599
I can't believe we got
conned into this.

105
00:04:50,719 --> 00:04:53,806
What is so special about
trees losing their virginity?

106
00:04:53,926 --> 00:04:56,525
I'm sure it'll be more
romantic than my first time.

107
00:04:59,931 --> 00:05:03,427
Oi, Leonard. Put your sword
in me stone.

108
00:05:10,459 --> 00:05:13,007
I really wish
they had condoms back then.

109
00:05:13,324 --> 00:05:16,476
It was another 300 years
until penicillin.

110
00:05:20,447 --> 00:05:22,704
Hi, there. Neil, Nikki,
I'm Mark.

111
00:05:22,824 --> 00:05:25,697
I'll be your screwing
coordinator this weekend.

112
00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:27,511
You excited for the big day?

113
00:05:27,631 --> 00:05:30,360
I've been dreaming of
this ever since I was a shrub.

114
00:05:30,601 --> 00:05:34,274
I still remember the day
my parents told me about the arrangement

115
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:38,191
We chose Neil because he's the only
tree around.

116
00:05:38,311 --> 00:05:40,213
You know, it is refreshing,

117
00:05:40,333 --> 00:05:44,309
To see two youngsters so committed
to each other, especially in this city.

118
00:05:44,429 --> 00:05:46,109
What do you mean?

119
00:05:46,229 --> 00:05:49,124
***

120
00:05:49,244 --> 00:05:52,739
Have freaky sex with strangers
they don't even know.

121
00:05:52,859 --> 00:05:54,240
You can do that?

122
00:05:54,853 --> 00:05:57,311
Mark, I'm sure you have
other work to do.

123
00:05:57,431 --> 00:05:58,777
No, what I mean is,

124
00:05:58,897 --> 00:06:01,530
You're lucky to have your
soul mate right next to you.

125
00:06:01,650 --> 00:06:03,585
A lot of people spend their youth

126
00:06:03,705 --> 00:06:06,482
Just having sex with strangers,

127
00:06:06,602 --> 00:06:09,635
Doing recreational drugs
they don't really get addicted to.

128
00:06:09,755 --> 00:06:12,542
But still have kind of
a lot of fun doing...

129
00:06:12,662 --> 00:06:15,596
And then have sex with the
people they do those drugs with

130
00:06:15,716 --> 00:06:18,383
And then go out to clubs
and meet their friends

131
00:06:18,431 --> 00:06:20,089
And, you know,
have sex with them.

132
00:06:20,209 --> 00:06:22,796
And at a certain point
you're like, "why?"

133
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:25,237
Those are things?

134
00:06:25,357 --> 00:06:26,535
Hey, enough talk, Livy.

135
00:06:26,655 --> 00:06:29,003
I have at least 5 holes that need
to be filled pronto.

136
00:06:29,409 --> 00:06:30,770
Or else.

137
00:06:31,162 --> 00:06:32,448
You see what I'm talking about?

138
00:06:32,568 --> 00:06:34,154
I have to go have sex with her,

139
00:06:34,274 --> 00:06:35,163
Right now.

140
00:06:35,283 --> 00:06:37,770
Be grateful you don't have
to deal with that.

141
00:06:41,346 --> 00:06:43,567
So, listen up, people,

142
00:06:43,583 --> 00:06:45,724
For reasons I won't get into,

143
00:06:45,764 --> 00:06:48,315
I thought it would be a good day
to talk about safe sex.

144
00:06:48,752 --> 00:06:52,232
Um, if you have a friend
who doesn't have genitals,

145
00:06:52,455 --> 00:06:54,601
Does he have to participate?

146
00:06:54,721 --> 00:06:57,262
Well, you can tell your "friend"

147
00:06:57,311 --> 00:06:58,688
That it applies to everyone.

148
00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:01,620
Sorry. You have to stay.

149
00:07:02,634 --> 00:07:04,026
All sex is safe for me.

150
00:07:04,095 --> 00:07:07,898
I just find a pile of eggs some girl left
behind and I fertilize it myself.

151
00:07:08,018 --> 00:07:09,580
Oh, is bummer.

152
00:07:09,645 --> 00:07:11,699
Actually, that's pretty common.

153
00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:14,547
Amoebas also reproduce asexually.

154
00:07:14,667 --> 00:07:15,979
Speak for yourself, bro.

155
00:07:16,006 --> 00:07:18,087
I've canned more
tuna than chicken of the sea.

156
00:07:19,551 --> 00:07:21,383
That is wicked funny, dude.

157
00:07:21,503 --> 00:07:22,993
This guy's awesome.

158
00:07:24,723 --> 00:07:27,354
Uh, just a second,
it's my roommate.

159
00:07:27,474 --> 00:07:30,001
I'm at work, Randall,
this better be good.

160
00:07:30,121 --> 00:07:32,271
It's not good at all, dude,
it's a tragedy.

161
00:07:32,391 --> 00:07:33,821
My dick is missing.

162
00:07:35,827 --> 00:07:38,179
Okay, okay.
Don't panic.

163
00:07:38,213 --> 00:07:41,126
Did you make a list of everything
you did with your penis yesterday?

164
00:07:41,246 --> 00:07:43,783
It's right here. Administered
genital waxing,

165
00:07:43,903 --> 00:07:45,998
Attempted skinny jeans fitting,

166
00:07:46,118 --> 00:07:48,285
***

167
00:07:48,319 --> 00:07:50,353
Made penis watch Bride Wars.

168
00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:53,155
Penis did not like that at all actually.

169
00:07:53,189 --> 00:07:54,355
I imagine not.

170
00:07:54,475 --> 00:07:56,338
Dropped cigar ashes on penis.

171
00:07:56,384 --> 00:07:58,358
Dipped penis in ink
when I couldn't find a pen.

172
00:07:58,393 --> 00:08:01,502
And hog-slammed that elephant lady
six ways from Sunday.

173
00:08:01,755 --> 00:08:03,045
Wow, well...

174
00:08:03,343 --> 00:08:05,000
It couldn't gone far, right?

175
00:08:05,035 --> 00:08:07,037
I don't know, dude,
it got a set of balls on it.

176
00:08:07,700 --> 00:08:09,072
Hold on. It's Leonard.

177
00:08:09,333 --> 00:08:10,787
Neil did what?

178
00:08:15,893 --> 00:08:19,383
Neil, why would you break up with Nikki?
I don't understand.

179
00:08:19,417 --> 00:08:22,902
All my life I was told that
merging with Nikki was my only option.

180
00:08:22,986 --> 00:08:25,053
But you've opened my eyes, Mark.

181
00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:27,603
There are plenty of other fish
in the sea.

182
00:08:27,643 --> 00:08:29,196
I just learned that phrase.

183
00:08:29,622 --> 00:08:30,790
Man whore.

184
00:08:30,810 --> 00:08:33,077
You're killing us, Neilendo.

185
00:08:33,197 --> 00:08:35,381
We think you should reconsider, Neil.

186
00:08:35,501 --> 00:08:39,001
It would take you at least
a decade to grow five feet away.

187
00:08:39,121 --> 00:08:41,151
Have you guys ever googled sex?

188
00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:44,427
There are literally dozens of websites
about it.

189
00:08:44,838 --> 00:08:47,733
But... But I've always been there
for you.

190
00:08:47,772 --> 00:08:49,752
You're safe and predictable.

191
00:08:49,872 --> 00:08:52,068
I want someone crazy and freaky.

192
00:08:52,119 --> 00:08:53,583
Like that pink one
yore safe over there..

193
00:08:53,618 --> 00:08:54,667
Oh, good luck with that.

194
00:08:54,787 --> 00:08:56,577
Considering you can't move...

195
00:08:56,620 --> 00:08:58,307
Neil, this is absurd.

196
00:08:58,427 --> 00:08:59,691
Don't hate the player.

197
00:09:00,866 --> 00:09:03,592
Well, he's clearly nuts, but he's an adult.

198
00:09:03,627 --> 00:09:04,973
He can make his own decisions.

199
00:09:05,017 --> 00:09:07,615
Ah, Mark, there's something
you should know

200
00:09:07,649 --> 00:09:08,930
About Treegasm.

201
00:09:08,964 --> 00:09:10,999
It's even lamer
than shark week?

202
00:09:11,033 --> 00:09:12,886
Shark week
is a national treasure.

203
00:09:13,727 --> 00:09:17,066
But there's a reason treetures are forced
to merge with each other.

204
00:09:18,474 --> 00:09:22,062
Their roots run so deep,
they encompass all of Manhattan.

205
00:09:22,182 --> 00:09:24,572
If Neil goes too long without release,

206
00:09:24,692 --> 00:09:26,578
He could develop blue roots

207
00:09:26,613 --> 00:09:28,969
That swell up
and endanger the whole city.

208
00:09:29,281 --> 00:09:31,082
It's happened elsewhere:

209
00:09:31,117 --> 00:09:32,490
London,

210
00:09:32,779 --> 00:09:34,651
Tokyo,

211
00:09:34,686 --> 00:09:36,034
Wichita.

212
00:09:36,154 --> 00:09:39,146
You're telling me this ridiculous event
actually has a point?

213
00:09:39,193 --> 00:09:40,488
They all do, Mark.

214
00:09:40,608 --> 00:09:43,307
The gay pride parade
keeps the power grid running.

215
00:09:43,427 --> 00:09:45,490
I did not know that.

216
00:09:46,932 --> 00:09:49,082
This is way over our heads, Twayne.

217
00:09:49,128 --> 00:09:52,675
If Treegasm goes wrong, it could
threaten the entire city.

218
00:09:52,795 --> 00:09:54,570
Don't worry, Mark.
You're all over it.

219
00:09:54,605 --> 00:09:55,788
Synergy.

220
00:09:55,908 --> 00:09:57,915
Synergy. What does that even mean?

221
00:09:57,952 --> 00:09:59,942
You know, vertical integration...

222
00:09:59,976 --> 00:10:01,058
Send me a power point,

223
00:10:01,078 --> 00:10:03,012
I'll diversify its portfolio,

224
00:10:03,046 --> 00:10:04,261
And we'll expense it.

225
00:10:04,381 --> 00:10:05,948
This is all you.

226
00:10:07,517 --> 00:10:09,520
Karen, it's Randall.

227
00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:13,400
Did I happen to leave anything
over there last night?

228
00:10:13,642 --> 00:10:17,594
No, just a big sweaty pile of me.

229
00:10:18,075 --> 00:10:19,288
Crap.

230
00:10:20,856 --> 00:10:22,195
Night of the leaving dead?

231
00:10:22,597 --> 00:10:25,240
No, it's my buddy Ray's
wedding video.

232
00:10:26,405 --> 00:10:28,513
Anything to take
my mind off my junk.

233
00:10:28,633 --> 00:10:31,384
I'm sorry, pal, if it's any consolation,

234
00:10:31,430 --> 00:10:33,599
Callie is in a hormonal rage,

235
00:10:33,622 --> 00:10:36,063
One of the treetures
has gone girl crazy,

236
00:10:36,183 --> 00:10:38,749
And if I don't fix it, New York
could be destroyed.

237
00:10:38,869 --> 00:10:40,050
Um, yeah, I hear that, man.

238
00:10:40,170 --> 00:10:42,353
But let me ask you this,
did your dick fall off?

239
00:10:42,473 --> 00:10:44,123
When did sex
get so life-threatening?

240
00:10:44,373 --> 00:10:48,395
It used to be just me and a mildly
disappointed woman in my parents basement.

241
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:51,683
Yeah, nowadays it's crazy man, I mean...

242
00:10:51,803 --> 00:10:53,883
One time, I thought I hooked up
with a robot.

243
00:10:53,925 --> 00:10:56,087
Turns out I was just
[bleep] the toaster.

244
00:10:56,121 --> 00:10:58,103
I mean, I got a million stories
like that, dude.

245
00:10:58,595 --> 00:10:59,784
Hold that thought.

246
00:11:00,192 --> 00:11:01,310
We're going out.

247
00:11:01,756 --> 00:11:04,422
Also remind me
to buy a new toaster.

248
00:11:06,548 --> 00:11:07,597
Hey, Mark.

249
00:11:07,717 --> 00:11:08,961
I just read the game,

250
00:11:09,005 --> 00:11:11,701
And I'm ready
to get my jiggy on.

251
00:11:11,735 --> 00:11:14,657
I'm going to be juggling
so much trim.

252
00:11:14,777 --> 00:11:17,167
How?
You can't move.

253
00:11:17,287 --> 00:11:19,562
Oh, a nice chance, douche branch.

254
00:11:19,583 --> 00:11:21,222
I'm peacocking.

255
00:11:21,342 --> 00:11:23,957
Neil, I want you to meet
my roommate, Randall.

256
00:11:24,077 --> 00:11:25,456
He's a fellow player.

257
00:11:25,576 --> 00:11:28,199
Hey, buddy. So I hear you're ready
to play the field now.

258
00:11:28,319 --> 00:11:29,700
Do you party, chief?

259
00:11:29,820 --> 00:11:31,379
We should go work a club
together.

260
00:11:31,499 --> 00:11:33,637
Oh, hell, yes, dude.
We're gonna rock ass.

261
00:11:33,757 --> 00:11:35,663
But if we're gonna be partners, I should
probably tell you a little bit

262
00:11:35,690 --> 00:11:36,977
about my sexual history.

263
00:11:37,474 --> 00:11:39,726
You see, it all started
back in 1993

264
00:11:39,761 --> 00:11:41,367
When I accidentally slept
on my arm

265
00:11:41,406 --> 00:11:42,862
And invented the phantom spank.

266
00:11:42,863 --> 00:11:44,364
You don't know
if it's a man or a woman.

267
00:11:44,398 --> 00:11:46,480
And at some point,
you just don't care.

268
00:11:46,509 --> 00:11:48,159
I'm what they call
an "ass whisperer."

269
00:11:48,279 --> 00:11:50,570
It turns out, you don't want
to get donkey punched.

270
00:11:50,604 --> 00:11:52,672
There was, like, blood
in my stool for, like, 12 days,

271
00:11:52,706 --> 00:11:54,541
You know, and then it's not
so funny anymore.

272
00:11:54,575 --> 00:11:56,742
I mean, I wouldn't say
I'm into ball torture, per se.

273
00:11:56,776 --> 00:11:59,077
You know, I like
enhanced interrogation.

274
00:11:59,111 --> 00:12:00,397
I always use
his giant gym sock.

275
00:12:00,436 --> 00:12:02,713
Like, why else do you have
American apparel clothes

276
00:12:02,748 --> 00:12:03,757
Except to mop up?

277
00:12:03,787 --> 00:12:05,712
And that's how my crabs
got chlamydia.

278
00:12:05,977 --> 00:12:08,630
Oh, and also, my dick
recently fell off.

279
00:12:08,750 --> 00:12:10,619
I don't know how I forgot
that little chestnut.

280
00:12:12,337 --> 00:12:15,304
I have heard things I cannot un-hear.

281
00:12:15,424 --> 00:12:17,238
I didn't know sex can be so...

282
00:12:17,557 --> 00:12:19,257
Filled with pus.

283
00:12:19,291 --> 00:12:22,314
Yeah, well, keep in mind,
pus is, like, 80% of my body,

284
00:12:22,352 --> 00:12:24,410
So it was no big deal to me.

285
00:12:24,464 --> 00:12:26,612
Maybe I really am
a one-woman tree.

286
00:12:27,128 --> 00:12:30,066
Nikki, will you please
forgive me?

287
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:33,976
Oh, Neilando, how could
I say no to that face?

288
00:12:40,494 --> 00:12:41,719
Smack!

289
00:12:43,809 --> 00:12:46,104
Callie?
You here?

290
00:12:46,513 --> 00:12:47,694
Uh, good news.

291
00:12:47,716 --> 00:12:49,314
I got Neil and Nikki
back together.

292
00:12:54,708 --> 00:12:57,639
I'll take that as,
"I don't care"?

293
00:13:00,625 --> 00:13:02,330
Oh, Mark.

294
00:13:02,759 --> 00:13:05,560
Take your clothes off
and cure what ails me.

295
00:13:07,095 --> 00:13:08,928
Okay, I'm just gonna dim
the lights down

296
00:13:08,962 --> 00:13:11,597
Till maybe
they're completely off.

297
00:13:13,576 --> 00:13:14,965
Well, that's it.

298
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,158
I've looked everywhere.

299
00:13:17,469 --> 00:13:19,723
I guess I'd better get used
to life without a penis.

300
00:13:40,052 --> 00:13:42,323
Man, having no penis
sucks dick.

301
00:13:45,898 --> 00:13:46,862
Welcome back!

302
00:13:46,982 --> 00:13:48,220
If you're just joining us,

303
00:13:48,260 --> 00:13:50,348
Tune in earlier next time, jerks.

304
00:13:50,468 --> 00:13:53,034
And also Treegasm has arrived.

305
00:13:53,069 --> 00:13:56,902
For reaction, here are some of the
craziest new-yorkers we could find.

306
00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:01,075
Gaia weeps at the majesty
of two glorious creatures

307
00:14:01,105 --> 00:14:03,008
Coming together as one.

308
00:14:03,128 --> 00:14:04,882
I just want to watch
these two trees [bleep].

309
00:14:04,916 --> 00:14:06,150
Yeah!

310
00:14:06,674 --> 00:14:08,524
We got to hang out more, bro.

311
00:14:08,644 --> 00:14:09,487
Do you know Kevin?

312
00:14:09,521 --> 00:14:11,522
Red hair?
He's a firefighter?

313
00:14:13,922 --> 00:14:15,356
Stay asleep.

314
00:14:15,390 --> 00:14:17,558
Sleepy sleep.
Stay asleep, sleep, sleep.

315
00:14:19,027 --> 00:14:21,909
Hopefully that'll keep her satisfied
till she has this new body.

316
00:14:25,268 --> 00:14:27,094
- Hello?
- Randall Scaffington?

317
00:14:27,214 --> 00:14:29,677
This is officer Boyle
from the Port Authority police.

318
00:14:29,797 --> 00:14:30,868
We found your penis.

319
00:14:30,988 --> 00:14:33,034
Oh, thank God!
Where was it?

320
00:14:33,154 --> 00:14:36,097
It was trying to board a bus to Buffalo
without a ticket.

321
00:14:36,397 --> 00:14:37,923
Officer, I'll be right down.

322
00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:39,653
I'm afraid
it's not that simple.

323
00:14:39,773 --> 00:14:41,213
Wait... Wait, what's wrong?

324
00:14:41,616 --> 00:14:43,439
- Is it hurt?
- No, sir, you see...

325
00:14:43,559 --> 00:14:45,140
Your penis didn't fall off.

326
00:14:45,606 --> 00:14:46,963
It ran away.

327
00:14:48,353 --> 00:14:49,386
What?

328
00:14:49,628 --> 00:14:51,262
I don't understand.

329
00:14:51,958 --> 00:14:54,257
I thought everything
was fine with us.

330
00:14:54,505 --> 00:14:57,703
I don't know exactly what you put him
through, but it must have been rough.

331
00:14:58,843 --> 00:15:00,128
Put him on the phone

332
00:15:00,248 --> 00:15:01,521
Right now.

333
00:15:02,050 --> 00:15:03,731
My dick is such a dick.

334
00:15:04,092 --> 00:15:06,879
We are now moments away
from Treegasm.

335
00:15:06,946 --> 00:15:10,208
For coverage, we go to special
correspondent, Bob Sanchez.

336
00:15:10,328 --> 00:15:12,031
Thank you, whatever your name is.

337
00:15:12,095 --> 00:15:14,811
Behind me,
hoards of anxious lookie-loos

338
00:15:14,855 --> 00:15:17,193
****

339
00:15:17,313 --> 00:15:19,592
Flower companion, Nikki ****

340
00:15:19,712 --> 00:15:22,355
This *** brought to you by Mountain Dew.

341
00:15:22,475 --> 00:15:26,125
The official soft drink
of trees fornicating.

342
00:15:28,850 --> 00:15:30,984
So thrace of the skull blood clan

343
00:15:31,104 --> 00:15:34,670
Just got a new house at the Cape, so wife
and I are going up for the weekend.

344
00:15:34,691 --> 00:15:37,670
Cape Cod is so 2007, Gary.

345
00:15:37,713 --> 00:15:40,517
This year,
I'm summering in Dubai.

346
00:15:40,637 --> 00:15:42,730
Oh, fellas.

347
00:15:42,764 --> 00:15:44,798
There is someone
you have to meet.

348
00:15:44,833 --> 00:15:48,368
This is my top lieutenant,
Callie Maggotbone.

349
00:15:48,403 --> 00:15:51,780
Must find human sex slave.

350
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:54,307
Demon women:

351
00:15:54,577 --> 00:15:58,265
Can't live with 'em, can't decapitate 'em
without the sceptral of Croll.

352
00:15:58,620 --> 00:16:00,242
Am I right?

353
00:16:00,895 --> 00:16:03,014
Neil, how you feeling, buddy?

354
00:16:03,297 --> 00:16:05,772
This sure is a big crowd here.

355
00:16:06,486 --> 00:16:08,890
I don't feel so good.

356
00:16:12,457 --> 00:16:13,959
Let's just get this over with,

357
00:16:13,993 --> 00:16:16,261
And we'll all feel
a lot better, okay?

358
00:16:16,296 --> 00:16:19,052
Here comes celebrated actor
Al Pacino

359
00:16:19,084 --> 00:16:20,999
To deliver the invocation.

360
00:16:21,033 --> 00:16:24,753
Dear lord, please give
these two majestic creatures

361
00:16:24,794 --> 00:16:28,365
The courage to fornicate
for our amusement.

362
00:16:28,485 --> 00:16:30,388
Amen!

363
00:16:33,006 --> 00:16:35,986
So much pressure!

364
00:16:36,576 --> 00:16:38,017
Will you marry me?

365
00:16:38,042 --> 00:16:39,478
Oh, my God!

366
00:16:39,512 --> 00:16:41,341
You got this one, Neilbo.

367
00:16:41,461 --> 00:16:43,825
Just pretend no one else
is around.

368
00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:49,108
That's a little
difficult, Mark.

369
00:16:49,228 --> 00:16:52,822
Neil, I'm waiting.

370
00:17:00,150 --> 00:17:01,529
We've got to hurry, mark.

371
00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:03,324
His roots are so blue,
they're nearly purple.

372
00:17:03,759 --> 00:17:05,459
The entire park is collapsing.

373
00:17:05,488 --> 00:17:07,596
Leonard, do you have
any spells for,

374
00:17:07,716 --> 00:17:09,936
You know, male performance?

375
00:17:10,209 --> 00:17:12,238
I'm over 400 years old.

376
00:17:12,272 --> 00:17:14,475
How do you think
I still get it up?

377
00:17:15,742 --> 00:17:16,942
Wha...

378
00:17:21,636 --> 00:17:27,606
Incitus errectus viagras.

379
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:29,919
Oh...

380
00:17:29,954 --> 00:17:32,510
It's happening.

381
00:17:32,572 --> 00:17:35,061
Our safe word
is "arbor day."

382
00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:36,891
Do us proud, Neil.

383
00:17:36,925 --> 00:17:39,192
I really wish they
could get a room.

384
00:17:39,664 --> 00:17:42,228
This is gonna be freaky.

385
00:17:43,232 --> 00:17:46,727
We are approaching the final
wind climax of Treegasm.

386
00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:50,048
Treegasm, brought to you
by Scotts lawn care.

387
00:17:50,082 --> 00:17:52,484
I'm scared.

388
00:17:56,055 --> 00:17:57,855
The shedding is at hand.

389
00:17:57,890 --> 00:18:01,625
Bring your human loins to me.

390
00:18:01,745 --> 00:18:03,317
Callie, not now.

391
00:18:03,339 --> 00:18:04,961
I have to make sure
everything goes...

392
00:18:18,441 --> 00:18:19,873
Oh, God!

393
00:18:19,993 --> 00:18:22,043
Here I go!

394
00:18:22,077 --> 00:18:25,882
Oh, God!
Here it comes!

395
00:18:25,916 --> 00:18:27,818
Take cover!

396
00:18:48,770 --> 00:18:50,070
Yes!

397
00:18:50,105 --> 00:18:51,996
Well, it appears
that young Neil

398
00:18:52,116 --> 00:18:55,775
Has suffered from
premature esapulation,

399
00:18:55,895 --> 00:18:57,983
An anticlimactic climax

400
00:18:58,103 --> 00:19:00,845
To this otherwise titillating
Treegasm.

401
00:19:00,965 --> 00:19:03,521
Can I get a towel
or some waffles, please?

402
00:19:04,136 --> 00:19:05,613
You know
who would have loved that?

403
00:19:05,948 --> 00:19:08,144
My penis.

404
00:19:11,749 --> 00:19:13,618
Penis?

405
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:15,558
Not so fast, hotshot.

406
00:19:15,678 --> 00:19:17,421
He has some conditions.

407
00:19:17,455 --> 00:19:19,521
"First, I am not a plaything.

408
00:19:19,570 --> 00:19:22,858
"I'm a living appendage with
very sensitive nerve endings.

409
00:19:22,978 --> 00:19:25,608
"Second, you must accept me
as an equal.

410
00:19:25,728 --> 00:19:27,712
"There's no "I" in penis."

411
00:19:27,762 --> 00:19:28,904
Uh, no, actually, there is.

412
00:19:28,963 --> 00:19:30,934
But we'll have plenty of time
to work on its spelling.

413
00:19:30,968 --> 00:19:35,207
Sign here and here and we'll have
ourselves an official genital transfer.

414
00:19:35,252 --> 00:19:38,640
I promise I'm gonna make you
the happiest penis in the world.

415
00:19:40,459 --> 00:19:43,184
I have a good feeling
about you two.

416
00:19:44,204 --> 00:19:47,262
G we live in a society
obsessed with sex.

417
00:19:47,304 --> 00:19:50,198
Some don't respond well to the pressure.

418
00:19:50,318 --> 00:19:52,874
Decensitivus bam.

419
00:19:52,925 --> 00:19:54,133
There you go, kid.

420
00:19:54,253 --> 00:19:56,637
That will keep you from popping
like Orville Redenbacher.

421
00:19:56,757 --> 00:20:00,823
My two pump stump is an evergreen
sex machine.

422
00:20:00,961 --> 00:20:02,355
For certain people,

423
00:20:02,379 --> 00:20:05,283
Sex takes the backseat
to their careers.

424
00:20:08,284 --> 00:20:10,708
Right through Lincoln's face hole.

425
00:20:10,828 --> 00:20:13,716
Damnit, Gary, I told you
not to give me your driver.

426
00:20:13,836 --> 00:20:15,900
Don't tell me how to do my job, bro.

427
00:20:16,020 --> 00:20:18,336
For many, sex is an addiction.

428
00:20:18,370 --> 00:20:20,376
So you're a chick, right?

429
00:20:20,436 --> 00:20:22,556
Dude, your advances
are not appreciated here.

430
00:20:22,676 --> 00:20:24,490
Seriously, back off, huh?

431
00:20:26,678 --> 00:20:27,911
Oh, come on!

432
00:20:27,945 --> 00:20:30,011
At least I asked this time.

433
00:20:30,045 --> 00:20:31,477
But for most of us,

434
00:20:31,512 --> 00:20:34,079
Sex is just a way
to blow off steam.

435
00:20:34,428 --> 00:20:36,565
I'll have a double shot
of deer blood on the rocks.

436
00:20:36,685 --> 00:20:38,161
One Jagermeister coming up.

437
00:20:38,833 --> 00:20:41,354
Look at you. A whole new person.

438
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:44,962
Any interest in you know,
coming back to my place?

439
00:20:45,082 --> 00:20:48,025
Sorry, Mark, but after the things
you let me do to you this week,

440
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:50,667
You've lost a lot of my respect.

441
00:20:51,361 --> 00:20:54,365
But when you're having sex
with the spawn of Satan,

442
00:20:54,605 --> 00:20:57,860
Maybe it's best not to ask
too many questions.

443
00:20:58,299 --> 00:20:59,733
Cucumber.

444
00:20:59,853 --> 00:21:02,000
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