1
00:00:02,984 --> 00:00:05,695
Some people think they know it all.
2
00:00:05,780 --> 00:00:11,724
***
3
00:00:11,921 --> 00:00:14,201
That they have all the answers.
4
00:00:14,373 --> 00:00:17,997
***
5
00:00:18,057 --> 00:00:21,455
***
6
00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:22,660
I don't know.
7
00:00:22,933 --> 00:00:24,621
I... don't... know.
8
00:00:24,645 --> 00:00:28,605
Then I shall feast upon your bones!
9
00:00:33,054 --> 00:00:35,612
Quagle, are you threatening
to eat people again?
10
00:00:35,909 --> 00:00:38,163
That's your fourth
infraction this month.
11
00:00:38,384 --> 00:00:40,220
I'm so sorry, sir.
12
00:00:40,288 --> 00:00:42,424
He's a diversity hire.
13
00:00:42,492 --> 00:00:44,996
That'll be $6.75.
14
00:00:45,064 --> 00:00:46,500
And zip up your vest.
15
00:00:46,568 --> 00:00:48,237
This is a work environment.
16
00:00:48,305 --> 00:00:49,806
Sorry, mister.
17
00:00:49,874 --> 00:00:54,254
Sync by mczolly
www.addic7ed.com
18
00:00:55,820 --> 00:01:00,295
Hmm.
19
00:01:00,363 --> 00:01:01,564
Hmm.
20
00:01:01,632 --> 00:01:02,901
Splash!
21
00:01:02,969 --> 00:01:04,604
What do you think about this one?
22
00:01:04,671 --> 00:01:07,744
I think it's mine,
and I wish you were wearing pants.
23
00:01:07,812 --> 00:01:09,615
None of your pants fit.
24
00:01:09,682 --> 00:01:11,585
Randall, what's with the grooming?
25
00:01:11,653 --> 00:01:14,591
This really conflicts with
your casual hobo look.
26
00:01:14,659 --> 00:01:16,428
Can't do cas-hob tonight, dude.
27
00:01:16,496 --> 00:01:18,767
I got into the night
terrors' house.
28
00:01:18,835 --> 00:01:20,638
Night terrors. Wha?
29
00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:22,808
Isn't this the reality
show where they throw...
30
00:01:22,876 --> 00:01:24,746
a bunch of horny idiots
into a house together...
31
00:01:24,813 --> 00:01:27,318
just so people can watch
them hook up and fight?
32
00:01:27,386 --> 00:01:30,024
Vishnu has finally
answered my prayers.
33
00:01:30,091 --> 00:01:31,928
How did you get on
this show anyway?
34
00:01:31,995 --> 00:01:33,698
Audition tape.
35
00:01:33,766 --> 00:01:39,510
I re-edited the video I made for
my job interview at the bank.
36
00:01:39,578 --> 00:01:41,714
Randall, they said
it was impossible...
37
00:01:41,783 --> 00:01:43,184
for someone with
so much charisma...
38
00:01:43,252 --> 00:01:45,188
to be an unstoppable man God.
39
00:01:45,256 --> 00:01:47,292
How did you prove them wrong?
40
00:01:47,361 --> 00:01:50,733
It's all about my
four-part philosophy:
41
00:01:50,801 --> 00:01:53,472
Strength fitness,
42
00:01:53,540 --> 00:01:56,178
sex power,
43
00:01:56,245 --> 00:01:59,184
dance aggression,
44
00:01:59,251 --> 00:02:01,723
windsurfing.
45
00:02:01,790 --> 00:02:03,093
Uh?
46
00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:06,332
They're very lucky to have you.
47
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,606
Okay, everyone, we have a
new member joining us today.
48
00:02:09,674 --> 00:02:11,744
Quagle, would you like
to introduce yourself?
49
00:02:11,811 --> 00:02:14,216
If you wish to avoid demise,
50
00:02:14,283 --> 00:02:17,890
you must conjure my
name within three tries.
51
00:02:17,958 --> 00:02:19,126
Oh, great.
52
00:02:19,193 --> 00:02:20,561
He's pulling a rumpelstiltskin.
53
00:02:20,630 --> 00:02:21,931
Your name is quagle.
54
00:02:21,999 --> 00:02:24,136
Mark said it, like,
five seconds ago.
55
00:02:24,203 --> 00:02:25,539
You know, you might want...
56
00:02:25,607 --> 00:02:27,943
to hold back on the
riddles, friend.
57
00:02:28,012 --> 00:02:29,781
I got a riddle for you, skim.
58
00:02:29,849 --> 00:02:32,654
Who's got no opposable digits
and gets laid every night?
59
00:02:32,722 --> 00:02:34,057
This guy.
60
00:02:34,124 --> 00:02:35,794
I have riddle too.
61
00:02:35,861 --> 00:02:37,798
What tastes like terrible food?
62
00:02:37,865 --> 00:02:40,303
It's my wife's cooking.
63
00:02:43,711 --> 00:02:44,979
It really is not good.
64
00:02:46,684 --> 00:02:48,520
It's really terrible.
65
00:02:48,588 --> 00:02:50,624
Okay, why don't you
guys take it outside.
66
00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:52,128
Oh, God. Oh, God.
67
00:02:52,196 --> 00:02:54,032
Look, there must be something...
68
00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:55,936
you have in common with everyone.
69
00:02:56,003 --> 00:02:57,271
What do you do for fun?
70
00:02:57,339 --> 00:02:59,510
The answer to this riddle posed...
71
00:02:59,578 --> 00:03:02,483
is how I keep so indisposed.
72
00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:05,388
Is the answer to
that riddle, riddles?
73
00:03:05,456 --> 00:03:07,760
Yeah.
74
00:03:10,634 --> 00:03:12,236
Welcome, cast mates,
75
00:03:12,303 --> 00:03:15,243
to the night terrors' house.
76
00:03:15,310 --> 00:03:17,514
And here's your producer,
77
00:03:17,581 --> 00:03:21,990
Clark dungaree.
78
00:03:22,057 --> 00:03:24,629
Hey, there, superstars.
79
00:03:24,696 --> 00:03:28,336
Are you ready to get real?
80
00:03:28,404 --> 00:03:29,639
Oops.
81
00:03:29,706 --> 00:03:30,874
I'm on fire.
82
00:03:30,943 --> 00:03:35,017
Jose, it happened again.
83
00:03:35,084 --> 00:03:36,587
Thank you!
84
00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:40,595
Take this down.
85
00:03:40,663 --> 00:03:42,265
Idea for show: Pants on fire.
86
00:03:42,333 --> 00:03:43,768
Two kids, one fire extinguisher.
87
00:03:43,836 --> 00:03:45,071
Who will the parents choose?
88
00:03:45,139 --> 00:03:46,440
Remind me later.
89
00:03:46,508 --> 00:03:49,581
Yes, it is I, Clark dungaree,
90
00:03:49,648 --> 00:03:50,816
producer of night terrors...
91
00:03:50,884 --> 00:03:52,787
and america's oldest hooker.
92
00:03:52,855 --> 00:03:54,791
We vetted thousands
of applications,
93
00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:56,963
and you are the six most likely...
94
00:03:57,030 --> 00:03:59,400
to make fools of yourselves
on national television.
95
00:03:59,468 --> 00:04:00,804
Mm-hmm.
96
00:04:00,872 --> 00:04:03,710
Now, good reality tv is
about the three "f"s:
97
00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,981
Fighting, Ing, and fight-Ing.
98
00:04:06,049 --> 00:04:07,451
So with that in mind,
99
00:04:07,518 --> 00:04:10,791
I encourage you to drink up,
bitches!
100
00:04:10,859 --> 00:04:12,461
Oh! Ah!
101
00:04:12,529 --> 00:04:14,599
I'm a recovering alcoholic.
102
00:04:14,667 --> 00:04:17,472
Seriously, start drinking.
103
00:04:17,539 --> 00:04:19,609
I guess we shouldn't
be surprised...
104
00:04:19,677 --> 00:04:21,513
he lives under a bridge.
105
00:04:21,581 --> 00:04:24,620
Oh, I hope those aren't human.
106
00:04:24,688 --> 00:04:26,290
Well, I don't understand.
107
00:04:26,357 --> 00:04:30,766
Can't you afford a place
with the pay from your job?
108
00:04:30,833 --> 00:04:32,303
Wait a minute.
109
00:04:32,370 --> 00:04:36,712
Do you sleep on a pile
of uncashed paychecks?
110
00:04:36,780 --> 00:04:40,185
Timminy, tomminy, tumminy, turr,
111
00:04:40,253 --> 00:04:42,122
what pray tell is a paycheck, sir?
112
00:04:42,191 --> 00:04:43,726
Enough with the riddles.
113
00:04:43,794 --> 00:04:49,137
No, mark, I don't think
he knows what money is.
114
00:04:49,205 --> 00:04:51,910
Now, frame this shot
for maximum bitchiness.
115
00:04:51,978 --> 00:04:55,250
Oh, you smell like an Asian market.
116
00:04:55,318 --> 00:04:57,321
All your toes look like big toes!
117
00:04:57,389 --> 00:04:58,724
At least I have toes.
118
00:04:58,792 --> 00:05:00,929
Hmm, galen,
I think your pixie dust...
119
00:05:00,997 --> 00:05:02,599
is giving me a contact high.
120
00:05:02,667 --> 00:05:07,074
Oh, Randall, I love
being alone with you.
121
00:05:07,143 --> 00:05:09,613
Good, good, now, remember,
122
00:05:09,681 --> 00:05:12,653
you are contractually
obligated to get weird.
123
00:05:12,721 --> 00:05:14,223
You think all those paychecks...
124
00:05:14,290 --> 00:05:16,395
would have gotten him more space.
125
00:05:16,462 --> 00:05:19,234
When the cable guy said he'd
be here between 9:00 and 2:00,
126
00:05:19,301 --> 00:05:20,569
I took him at his word.
127
00:05:20,637 --> 00:05:22,774
Let's just cut out the middle man.
128
00:05:22,842 --> 00:05:24,144
Bink.
129
00:05:24,211 --> 00:05:25,781
Now you get all the
channels for free,
130
00:05:25,848 --> 00:05:29,254
and I do mean all the channels.
131
00:05:30,825 --> 00:05:33,964
That's right. Explore your body.
132
00:05:34,032 --> 00:05:35,868
Wait, I don't want to send
him the wrong message.
133
00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:39,008
I'm just showing him how
the world really works.
134
00:05:39,076 --> 00:05:41,346
Change the channel.
135
00:05:41,414 --> 00:05:45,888
Tonight on night terrors...
136
00:05:45,957 --> 00:05:48,027
I will stake you, bitch!
137
00:05:48,095 --> 00:05:50,198
I totally have a crush on Randall,
138
00:05:50,265 --> 00:05:53,505
but my dad would kill me if
he found out he's not Jewish.
139
00:05:56,545 --> 00:05:59,016
Oh, I've never actually seen
Randall attack somebody before.
140
00:05:59,084 --> 00:06:00,519
I better look into this.
141
00:06:00,587 --> 00:06:04,595
Fine. I'll handle
rain man over there.
142
00:06:06,766 --> 00:06:09,571
Hey, buddy. How you feeling?
143
00:06:09,639 --> 00:06:11,675
I've got a kiefer
sutherland-grade hangover.
144
00:06:11,743 --> 00:06:13,312
Did you see the show last night?
145
00:06:13,380 --> 00:06:15,483
How did it look? How did I look?
146
00:06:15,552 --> 00:06:17,053
It looked like you
broke through a door...
147
00:06:17,121 --> 00:06:18,991
to attack someone.
148
00:06:19,058 --> 00:06:20,261
Yeah, they got my sauced up...
149
00:06:20,328 --> 00:06:21,696
and then locked all the bathrooms.
150
00:06:21,764 --> 00:06:23,233
What was I gonna do?
Piss in the closet?
151
00:06:23,301 --> 00:06:24,669
I mean, I did do that, but...
152
00:06:24,737 --> 00:06:27,375
Why is society more obsessed
with these heightened,
153
00:06:27,442 --> 00:06:32,686
manufactured situations than
they are with actual reality?
154
00:06:32,754 --> 00:06:34,190
Because real life is stupid.
155
00:06:34,257 --> 00:06:35,592
Why don't you come
by the set today,
156
00:06:35,660 --> 00:06:37,162
and I'll prove it to you.
157
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:40,268
I swear on the life
of my future children,
158
00:06:40,336 --> 00:06:41,572
Ethan and desiree,
159
00:06:41,639 --> 00:06:45,546
you will never see me on that set.
160
00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:47,584
I really shouldn't have
told you about this.
161
00:06:47,651 --> 00:06:49,855
Night terrors is my favorite series,
mark,
162
00:06:49,923 --> 00:06:52,227
right behind so you think
you can disembowel.
163
00:06:52,294 --> 00:06:54,130
Mark lilly.
164
00:06:54,198 --> 00:06:55,667
Great. Sign here.
165
00:06:55,735 --> 00:06:56,970
Initial here. Thumbprint here.
166
00:06:57,037 --> 00:06:58,540
Secondary thumbprint here.
167
00:06:58,608 --> 00:06:59,775
And if I could just...
168
00:06:59,843 --> 00:07:01,045
Ow! Hey!
169
00:07:01,113 --> 00:07:03,617
Very good, sir.
170
00:07:03,685 --> 00:07:04,720
You guys are real, right?
171
00:07:04,787 --> 00:07:06,991
Hello.
172
00:07:07,058 --> 00:07:09,663
Wow, this is not as exciting...
173
00:07:09,731 --> 00:07:11,433
as it is on television.
174
00:07:11,501 --> 00:07:13,571
Camera 12! Camera 27!
175
00:07:13,639 --> 00:07:15,308
Bathroom Cam!
176
00:07:15,376 --> 00:07:16,577
Ah!
177
00:07:16,646 --> 00:07:18,515
Camera 12! Camera 12!
178
00:07:18,583 --> 00:07:19,851
Boring!
179
00:07:19,918 --> 00:07:21,321
Cue jock jam!
180
00:07:21,389 --> 00:07:23,759
All right.
181
00:07:23,826 --> 00:07:25,029
Not sexy enough!
182
00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:28,703
Cue sprinklers!
183
00:07:28,771 --> 00:07:29,972
Oh, so wet in here.
184
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:32,209
Too sexy! Cue kitten "b" roll!
185
00:07:33,614 --> 00:07:34,815
Too precious.
186
00:07:34,883 --> 00:07:36,152
Cue leatherface!
187
00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:39,591
Cue status quo!
188
00:07:39,659 --> 00:07:42,230
And I was like,
"don't talk to me like that."
189
00:07:42,298 --> 00:07:44,836
Cut. Rewind that back.
190
00:07:44,904 --> 00:07:46,606
Now zoom in.
191
00:07:46,674 --> 00:07:50,916
Is that Sheila yawning on my set?
192
00:07:50,983 --> 00:07:53,988
Bring him to me.
193
00:07:55,860 --> 00:07:57,629
Hey, where's my dramatic sting?
194
00:07:57,697 --> 00:07:58,932
Oops, sorry, sir.
195
00:08:00,536 --> 00:08:02,039
It's too late. The moment's passed.
196
00:08:04,534 --> 00:08:07,243
How dare you come onto my set...
197
00:08:07,341 --> 00:08:11,081
and make a craven
display of boredom!
198
00:08:11,149 --> 00:08:12,618
I'm sorry.
199
00:08:12,686 --> 00:08:14,387
I'm just here because
my girlfriend is a fan.
200
00:08:14,456 --> 00:08:16,626
I've been in this business
for 20 years, mark.
201
00:08:16,694 --> 00:08:20,267
If 400 series and 2 tons
of weapons-grade cocaine...
202
00:08:20,335 --> 00:08:23,173
have taught me a anything,
it's this:
203
00:08:23,241 --> 00:08:27,581
Everyone wants to be on my shows.
204
00:08:27,650 --> 00:08:29,018
Well, not I.
205
00:08:29,086 --> 00:08:30,454
Now, unhand me.
206
00:08:30,522 --> 00:08:32,324
Go if you want.
207
00:08:32,393 --> 00:08:35,298
But know this:
You signed away your rights...
208
00:08:35,366 --> 00:08:37,302
when you came in
the building, mate.
209
00:08:37,370 --> 00:08:40,208
I, mark lilly, consent
to let Clark dungaree...
210
00:08:40,276 --> 00:08:42,212
videotape me wherever he wants...
211
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,349
and to use said footage
in perpetuity...
212
00:08:44,417 --> 00:08:45,619
throughout the universe.
213
00:08:45,687 --> 00:08:48,057
Hey, you took a blood sample?
214
00:08:48,125 --> 00:08:50,329
I took a lot more than that, mark.
215
00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:51,898
Mom?
216
00:08:51,966 --> 00:08:54,871
What? He's famous.
217
00:08:54,938 --> 00:08:58,645
Quagle, I know the world
must seem like a scary place,
218
00:08:58,713 --> 00:09:00,582
but by the time I'm
through with you,
219
00:09:00,651 --> 00:09:02,754
you'll fit right in.
220
00:09:02,822 --> 00:09:04,558
Hey, powers, that horse of yours...
221
00:09:04,626 --> 00:09:05,994
didn't come through yesterday.
222
00:09:06,062 --> 00:09:08,499
You owe vito 3,000 clams.
223
00:09:08,567 --> 00:09:12,007
Carmine, hey, um...
224
00:09:12,075 --> 00:09:14,611
I need a few more days.
225
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:16,082
Can I get an extension?
226
00:09:16,149 --> 00:09:17,952
I don't know. Let's ask your knees.
227
00:09:20,792 --> 00:09:24,031
Why? Why?
228
00:09:25,502 --> 00:09:27,205
Whoa, that was close.
229
00:09:27,272 --> 00:09:30,244
They almost touched actual leg.
230
00:09:30,312 --> 00:09:33,317
Real world lesson
number one quagle,
231
00:09:33,385 --> 00:09:36,289
get yourself a pair of fake knees,
232
00:09:36,357 --> 00:09:38,828
and always stretch.
233
00:09:38,896 --> 00:09:41,300
As you get older,
it's harder and harder...
234
00:09:41,368 --> 00:09:44,306
to pin your calves to
the back of your thighs.
235
00:09:44,374 --> 00:09:46,310
Are you writing this down?
236
00:09:46,378 --> 00:09:49,016
Fake knees.
237
00:09:49,084 --> 00:09:50,519
Yeah.
238
00:09:50,586 --> 00:09:52,857
I hope you took note
of my pained screams.
239
00:09:52,925 --> 00:09:55,162
Pure cowardice.
240
00:09:55,229 --> 00:09:58,168
But you have to work up to
it if you want believability.
241
00:09:58,236 --> 00:09:59,604
I practice twice a day.
242
00:09:59,672 --> 00:10:03,212
The neighbors hate me.
243
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:05,049
Now jump!
244
00:10:05,117 --> 00:10:07,287
I'm not paying any
insurance to these ass!
245
00:10:07,354 --> 00:10:08,757
Ya!
246
00:10:10,060 --> 00:10:11,696
The guy shows classic signs...
247
00:10:11,764 --> 00:10:14,201
of narcissistic
personality disorder.
248
00:10:14,269 --> 00:10:15,671
Uh-huh.
249
00:10:15,738 --> 00:10:17,908
This whole producing
thing is just a way...
250
00:10:17,976 --> 00:10:20,147
for him to exercise his egomania.
251
00:10:20,215 --> 00:10:21,583
Totally.
252
00:10:21,650 --> 00:10:23,855
Give someone like that
millions of dollars...
253
00:10:23,922 --> 00:10:25,357
and a camera crew?
254
00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:27,762
He could actually be
a danger to society.
255
00:10:27,830 --> 00:10:28,998
You said it.
256
00:10:30,636 --> 00:10:31,837
What did I miss?
257
00:10:31,905 --> 00:10:34,176
The bean dip refused to set.
258
00:10:34,244 --> 00:10:36,714
Grimes? What are you doing here?
259
00:10:36,781 --> 00:10:38,651
We always watch night terrors
together, mark.
260
00:10:38,719 --> 00:10:40,990
It's kind of our thing.
261
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,526
Cosmo?
262
00:10:42,594 --> 00:10:44,697
- You know it, girlfriend.
- Oh, great.
263
00:10:44,765 --> 00:10:47,102
Tonight on night terrors,
264
00:10:47,169 --> 00:10:50,242
she was falling for Randall,
265
00:10:50,310 --> 00:10:51,745
but will a handsome stranger...
266
00:10:51,812 --> 00:10:54,852
become galen's new
object of desire?
267
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:56,889
Oh, please don't let that be me.
268
00:10:56,957 --> 00:11:00,062
Hello.
269
00:11:00,130 --> 00:11:01,298
Damn it! Hey!
270
00:11:01,365 --> 00:11:02,734
Ow!
271
00:11:02,802 --> 00:11:04,305
How dare you flirt
with some stranger.
272
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:05,941
Wait, you know that's
not how it opened.
273
00:11:06,008 --> 00:11:07,210
You were there.
274
00:11:07,278 --> 00:11:09,582
Looked real to me.
275
00:11:09,649 --> 00:11:13,791
Okay, evyone, today we're
going to talk about privacy.
276
00:11:13,858 --> 00:11:17,130
It is the foundation
of a civil society.
277
00:11:17,198 --> 00:11:19,536
Hey, mark lilly!
278
00:11:19,604 --> 00:11:22,742
Prepare for an ass kicking
you can not prepare for.
279
00:11:22,810 --> 00:11:24,279
Randall, what are you doing?
280
00:11:24,347 --> 00:11:26,817
This is where I work.
281
00:11:26,885 --> 00:11:28,253
Just roll with it, dude.
282
00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:30,224
It's gonna be great for ratings.
283
00:11:30,292 --> 00:11:31,460
You stole my girl!
284
00:11:31,527 --> 00:11:34,165
The camera loves you.
285
00:11:34,233 --> 00:11:36,103
Why...
286
00:11:37,807 --> 00:11:41,581
What vocation accepted by choice...
287
00:11:41,649 --> 00:11:45,455
requires aid of neither
foot nor voice?
288
00:11:45,523 --> 00:11:47,661
I don't know. What?
289
00:11:47,728 --> 00:11:48,996
HJob.
290
00:11:49,064 --> 00:11:52,002
He's referring to a hJob.
291
00:11:53,205 --> 00:11:54,941
I liked it.
292
00:11:55,009 --> 00:11:57,514
But that brings us to
lesson number three.
293
00:11:57,581 --> 00:12:00,586
People are terrible.
294
00:12:03,861 --> 00:12:07,400
Twayne, we really need to
beef up security around here.
295
00:12:07,469 --> 00:12:11,543
Or we could keep things
exactly the way they are.
296
00:12:11,610 --> 00:12:13,180
Mm.
297
00:12:13,247 --> 00:12:14,415
Fosters.
298
00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:18,090
Now that's Australian for beer.
299
00:12:18,157 --> 00:12:19,325
Hey, wait a minute.
300
00:12:19,393 --> 00:12:20,561
Have you been talking to...
301
00:12:20,628 --> 00:12:22,031
Indeed he has, mark.
302
00:12:22,099 --> 00:12:24,068
Mr. bone raper here has
given my cameras...
303
00:12:24,136 --> 00:12:26,005
full access to these premises.
304
00:12:26,073 --> 00:12:27,476
In exchange for a percentage...
305
00:12:27,543 --> 00:12:30,248
of the product-placement
revenue, naturally.
306
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:33,087
Mm, oh, pizza hut.
307
00:12:33,155 --> 00:12:37,262
You truly are America's
favorite pizza.
308
00:12:37,330 --> 00:12:39,399
Will you just leave me alone?
309
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:42,172
You can make this all
go away in an instant...
310
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:45,212
by just admitting that
the reality I create...
311
00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:47,884
is better than the shabby,
real reality...
312
00:12:47,951 --> 00:12:49,621
you live within.
313
00:12:49,688 --> 00:12:51,191
Okay. Your reality is better.
314
00:12:51,259 --> 00:12:52,693
No deal!
315
00:12:52,762 --> 00:12:54,397
You're not getting out
of this that easy!
316
00:12:54,465 --> 00:12:56,234
Boom!
317
00:12:56,302 --> 00:12:59,608
Hmm, that's new.
318
00:13:01,346 --> 00:13:04,985
Callie, I'm sorry.
I can't talk right now.
319
00:13:05,054 --> 00:13:06,589
I'm certain my phone
has been tapped.
320
00:13:06,657 --> 00:13:07,826
Oh, you are crazy, mark.
321
00:13:07,893 --> 00:13:09,428
It's complicated, okay?
322
00:13:09,496 --> 00:13:12,602
They want me to teach you
to play by the "rules."
323
00:13:12,670 --> 00:13:14,606
But there are no rules, man.
324
00:13:14,674 --> 00:13:18,414
There are no rules,
only the rule of chaos!
325
00:13:18,481 --> 00:13:19,983
Ya!
326
00:13:20,051 --> 00:13:21,787
Don't you see, quagle?
327
00:13:21,855 --> 00:13:24,192
You can't rise above the cesspool.
328
00:13:24,260 --> 00:13:26,263
You've got to conquer it!
329
00:13:26,331 --> 00:13:29,069
And occasionally,
you have to run from the po-po.
330
00:13:29,136 --> 00:13:30,438
Hit it.
331
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:41,494
d d...
332
00:13:44,268 --> 00:13:45,670
Boom.
333
00:13:45,738 --> 00:13:48,943
What's that? Ha!
334
00:13:49,011 --> 00:13:51,649
Yo! This guy's a scumbag over here.
335
00:13:51,716 --> 00:13:59,766
d d...
336
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,481
hey, it's almost 10:30.
337
00:14:07,549 --> 00:14:09,519
Quiet down. The show's gonna start!
338
00:14:09,586 --> 00:14:11,556
On tonight's night terrors...
339
00:14:11,624 --> 00:14:13,026
Well, let's see how they're...
340
00:14:13,094 --> 00:14:15,197
misrepresenting my life this week.
341
00:14:15,265 --> 00:14:18,570
Mark, when am I going
to see you again?
342
00:14:18,639 --> 00:14:21,376
I'm sorry. I can't talk right now.
343
00:14:21,445 --> 00:14:24,450
What's wrong,
is there someone else?
344
00:14:24,517 --> 00:14:27,189
Look, it's complicated, okay?
345
00:14:27,256 --> 00:14:29,760
Shh. Here comes me.
346
00:14:29,828 --> 00:14:32,265
You stole my girl!
347
00:14:32,333 --> 00:14:35,906
We interrupt this dreck to
bring you a breaking report.
348
00:14:35,974 --> 00:14:37,376
Huh?
349
00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:39,046
Night terrors has been
canceled due...
350
00:14:39,114 --> 00:14:41,885
to ongoing psychotic
episodes by Clark dungaree.
351
00:14:41,953 --> 00:14:43,889
If you have information
on his whereabouts,
352
00:14:43,957 --> 00:14:45,326
please contact the police.
353
00:14:45,394 --> 00:14:47,163
This is not to be
confused with the show...
354
00:14:47,231 --> 00:14:49,501
Clark dungaree's psychotic
episodes.
355
00:14:49,568 --> 00:14:51,939
Craaaap.
356
00:14:52,007 --> 00:14:54,578
Well, at least he's out of my life.
357
00:14:58,019 --> 00:15:00,357
Shh. Shh-shh-shh-shh.
358
00:15:00,425 --> 00:15:02,661
Sleep well, sweet prince.
359
00:15:02,729 --> 00:15:04,265
You're going to need
all your strength...
360
00:15:04,332 --> 00:15:05,734
to get through what
I have in store.
361
00:15:06,819 --> 00:15:08,022
Wha?
362
00:15:08,090 --> 00:15:09,527
What's going on?
363
00:15:09,595 --> 00:15:11,366
You have 30 seconds of
consciousness, mark.
364
00:15:11,434 --> 00:15:12,870
So listen carefully.
365
00:15:12,938 --> 00:15:14,342
By the time I'm done with you,
366
00:15:14,409 --> 00:15:17,351
actual reality will
seem so mundane,
367
00:15:17,418 --> 00:15:20,527
you won't be able to
stomach your real life.
368
00:15:20,595 --> 00:15:22,734
You're... you're insane.
369
00:15:22,802 --> 00:15:24,005
You want insane?
370
00:15:24,072 --> 00:15:25,710
I once took a crap in a bag...
371
00:15:25,778 --> 00:15:27,248
and sent it to a network,
372
00:15:27,316 --> 00:15:29,254
an actual bag of crap!
373
00:15:29,322 --> 00:15:31,662
They booked 24 episodes!
374
00:15:31,729 --> 00:15:33,434
You want to blame someone, mark,
375
00:15:33,502 --> 00:15:36,576
they created the monster
standing in front of you.
376
00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:40,456
I always wondered where
bag of crap came...
377
00:15:40,524 --> 00:15:42,529
From...
378
00:15:43,834 --> 00:15:45,972
And...
379
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:47,410
What have you done to me?
380
00:15:47,478 --> 00:15:48,948
Reverse liposuction, mark.
381
00:15:49,017 --> 00:15:50,587
Your personal
weight-loss journey...
382
00:15:50,655 --> 00:15:53,095
will touch the hearts of millions.
383
00:15:53,162 --> 00:15:54,767
Listen, Clark.
384
00:15:54,835 --> 00:15:56,003
Ah!
385
00:15:56,071 --> 00:15:57,274
You are clearly haunted...
386
00:15:57,342 --> 00:16:00,016
by some sort of childhood trauma.
387
00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:03,192
No time for that, mark.
Weigh-in is in 30 minutes.
388
00:16:05,032 --> 00:16:07,139
Okay, let's get him pumped.
389
00:16:07,206 --> 00:16:08,510
And save the fat.
390
00:16:08,577 --> 00:16:10,214
I have a new idea for a show.
391
00:16:10,282 --> 00:16:14,829
I dare you to eat that.
392
00:16:14,897 --> 00:16:17,035
Were you bullied as a child?
393
00:16:17,104 --> 00:16:19,042
Did your father withhold affection?
394
00:16:19,110 --> 00:16:22,419
Wrong, and wrong again, mark.
395
00:16:22,487 --> 00:16:25,729
I'm so happy.
396
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,018
Clark, I know you can hear me.
397
00:16:33,086 --> 00:16:34,456
You have to trust me.
398
00:16:34,524 --> 00:16:35,927
I'm a social worker.
This is what I do.
399
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,068
Boom!
400
00:16:38,135 --> 00:16:42,247
Maybe you just had a
really mundane childhood,
401
00:16:42,314 --> 00:16:44,788
and now you feel the
need to compensate...
402
00:16:44,856 --> 00:16:48,567
with all these
overproduced scenarios.
403
00:16:48,635 --> 00:16:50,806
My God, mark.
404
00:16:50,874 --> 00:16:52,479
You're right.
405
00:16:52,547 --> 00:16:55,153
You're right about me.
406
00:16:55,222 --> 00:16:58,230
I'm ready to go home now.
407
00:17:02,611 --> 00:17:06,020
So this is where you grew up.
408
00:17:06,088 --> 00:17:09,130
My father owned a paint
store called tones.
409
00:17:09,198 --> 00:17:12,073
It only sold shades of beige.
410
00:17:12,140 --> 00:17:14,580
My mother was a paper
clip distributor.
411
00:17:14,648 --> 00:17:16,319
Back then, my name was...
412
00:17:16,387 --> 00:17:19,061
Stan Grossman.
413
00:17:19,129 --> 00:17:22,438
My reality was boredom,
and I hated them for it.
414
00:17:22,506 --> 00:17:24,378
I invented the persona of...
415
00:17:24,445 --> 00:17:26,550
Clark dungaree,
416
00:17:26,618 --> 00:17:28,858
Australian megaproducer...
417
00:17:28,925 --> 00:17:31,767
And left my old life behind.
418
00:17:31,834 --> 00:17:33,639
Stanley?
419
00:17:33,707 --> 00:17:35,578
Could that be you?
420
00:17:35,646 --> 00:17:38,220
He came back. Stanley's home.
421
00:17:38,288 --> 00:17:42,467
Hello, parents. It's been too long.
422
00:17:42,535 --> 00:17:43,737
This just in.
423
00:17:43,806 --> 00:17:45,576
Panic on the George
Washington bridge...
424
00:17:45,644 --> 00:17:48,285
as a disgruntled former employee...
425
00:17:48,352 --> 00:17:50,157
has threatened to blow himself up.
426
00:17:50,225 --> 00:17:54,604
Revenge will be mine!
427
00:17:54,672 --> 00:17:55,975
Oh, my God.
428
00:17:56,043 --> 00:17:57,513
I got to do something.
429
00:17:57,581 --> 00:18:00,088
The full resources of
Factor productions...
430
00:18:00,156 --> 00:18:02,997
are at your disposal mark,
except for the private jet.
431
00:18:03,065 --> 00:18:05,706
That's the set of my
newest show, jet brothel.
432
00:18:10,018 --> 00:18:12,075
What the hell happened?
433
00:18:12,143 --> 00:18:13,734
You had one job to do.
434
00:18:13,802 --> 00:18:15,095
I don't get it.
435
00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:17,020
I taught him everything I know.
436
00:18:17,087 --> 00:18:19,277
Really, I've got a riddle for you.
437
00:18:19,344 --> 00:18:22,230
What's big, ugly,
and about to be a bloodstain...
438
00:18:22,298 --> 00:18:24,554
on the George Washington bridge?
439
00:18:24,621 --> 00:18:25,914
Give me this.
440
00:18:25,982 --> 00:18:28,968
Quagle, it's me, mark lilly.
441
00:18:29,034 --> 00:18:32,020
You don't want to do this.
442
00:18:32,088 --> 00:18:34,709
I hate you! I hate everybody!
443
00:18:34,776 --> 00:18:37,032
Lookok, we owe you an apology.
444
00:18:37,099 --> 00:18:39,223
We were trying to help you fit in,
445
00:18:39,290 --> 00:18:41,479
but if there's one thing
I've learned this week,
446
00:18:41,547 --> 00:18:43,337
it's that nothing good comes...
447
00:18:43,405 --> 00:18:45,860
from trying to change who you are.
448
00:18:45,927 --> 00:18:48,615
If you want to tell riddles
and live under a bridge,
449
00:18:48,681 --> 00:18:50,307
that's okay.
450
00:18:50,374 --> 00:18:53,129
I lost my job!
451
00:18:53,195 --> 00:18:56,082
We'll find something
else for you to do.
452
00:18:56,149 --> 00:18:58,571
You can write puzzles on
the backs of cereal boxes.
453
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,491
You have plenty to live for.
454
00:19:07,002 --> 00:19:09,722
And cut!
455
00:19:09,790 --> 00:19:10,983
Huh?
456
00:19:11,051 --> 00:19:13,472
Wonderful, just wonderful.
457
00:19:13,539 --> 00:19:14,800
- Did I look good?
- Great job, sir.
458
00:19:14,867 --> 00:19:16,293
Thank you, mark.
459
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:18,815
This is gonna make
beautiful television.
460
00:19:18,883 --> 00:19:20,275
Television?
461
00:19:20,343 --> 00:19:21,968
Can we try my line again?
462
00:19:22,036 --> 00:19:24,424
I really think I can do better.
463
00:19:24,491 --> 00:19:25,752
What about our breakthrough?
464
00:19:25,819 --> 00:19:29,104
It was all part of my new tv show,
465
00:19:29,171 --> 00:19:32,123
i'm going to With you, mark lilly.
466
00:19:32,191 --> 00:19:33,749
It airs this march on spike.
467
00:19:33,817 --> 00:19:36,438
But your parents...
468
00:19:36,506 --> 00:19:38,263
Character actors, mark.
469
00:19:38,331 --> 00:19:39,723
I made it all up.
470
00:19:39,791 --> 00:19:42,345
So you really are Clark dungaree?
471
00:19:42,413 --> 00:19:45,200
Nonsense, I'm the
third Clark dungaree.
472
00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:48,584
The real Clark dungaree has
been retired for 15 years...
473
00:19:48,652 --> 00:19:51,140
and living like a
king in patagonia.
474
00:19:51,207 --> 00:19:53,497
One day, I too shall retire...
475
00:19:53,564 --> 00:19:56,251
and pass the persona
on to someone new.
476
00:19:56,319 --> 00:19:58,674
Perhaps to you, mark lilly.
477
00:19:58,741 --> 00:20:01,395
Perhaps to you.
478
00:20:01,463 --> 00:20:03,353
Boom!
479
00:20:03,420 --> 00:20:07,501
They say that
perception is reality.
480
00:20:07,569 --> 00:20:10,356
But when you let
entertainers control...
481
00:20:10,424 --> 00:20:12,513
how you perceive the world,
482
00:20:12,580 --> 00:20:15,334
you can end up with a
pretty warped view...
483
00:20:15,402 --> 00:20:16,628
of reality.
484
00:20:18,156 --> 00:20:21,075
All I know is,
you shouldn't believe...
485
00:20:21,143 --> 00:20:24,660
everything you see on television.
486
00:20:26,586 --> 00:20:30,269
There's still one thing I don't
get about that whole situation.
487
00:20:30,336 --> 00:20:31,928
How did Clark convince Quagle...
488
00:20:31,995 --> 00:20:33,720
to participate in
that bridge stunt?
489
00:20:33,788 --> 00:20:35,645
Quagle didn't care about money.
490
00:20:35,712 --> 00:20:37,504
I don't know.
Everybody wants something.
491
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:40,856
Yeah, well, I hope
he found somewhere...
492
00:20:40,922 --> 00:20:44,207
he can fit in.
493
00:20:44,275 --> 00:20:47,261
Hi there, and welcome to
"Riddle me this",
494
00:20:47,328 --> 00:20:49,152
the game show where
people solve riddles...
495
00:20:49,219 --> 00:20:50,911
for cash and prizes.
496
00:20:50,979 --> 00:20:53,134
I'm your host, quagle the troll.
497
00:20:53,202 --> 00:20:55,358
Let's meet our contestants,
shall we?
498
00:20:55,426 --> 00:20:56,688
Have another.
Sync by mczolly
www.addic7ed.com