1
00:00:03,716 --> 00:00:08,837
Finding someone to share your life with
can seem like a never-ending quest.

2
00:00:10,593 --> 00:00:13,653
But true love is
worth fighting for.

3
00:00:14,442 --> 00:00:17,416
Other types of love...
not so much.

4
00:00:19,542 --> 00:00:21,834
I'm sorry, Victoria.
I thought I had it there.

5
00:00:21,982 --> 00:00:23,700
Just not good at the sex.

6
00:00:23,741 --> 00:00:25,879
Is it because I find you
repellant in every way?

7
00:00:25,881 --> 00:00:27,851
No, that's actually a huge turn-on.

8
00:00:27,853 --> 00:00:29,556
It's just sort of
hard to be intimate...

9
00:00:29,558 --> 00:00:31,662
with him staring at us like that.

10
00:00:31,664 --> 00:00:34,737
Look, you two have 72 hours to mate,

11
00:00:34,739 --> 00:00:36,877
or Victoria goes back
to the London Zoo...

12
00:00:36,879 --> 00:00:38,782
and you both go extinct.

13
00:00:38,784 --> 00:00:40,854
Now, get [Bleep]!

14
00:00:41,216 --> 00:00:44,698
Sync by mczolly
www.addic7ed.com

15
00:00:44,900 --> 00:00:46,972
Sexy fruit time.

16
00:00:46,974 --> 00:00:48,575
Yeah, that's right.

17
00:00:48,577 --> 00:00:49,645
Pass that orange.

18
00:00:49,647 --> 00:00:50,748
Okay.

19
00:00:50,750 --> 00:00:53,054
Now a deep, wet kiss.

20
00:00:53,056 --> 00:00:54,626
Ugh, I wouldn't
snog that bloke...

21
00:00:54,628 --> 00:00:56,197
with a three-meter pole.

22
00:00:56,199 --> 00:00:58,136
Okay, well, let's talk about it.

23
00:00:58,138 --> 00:01:00,609
Why aren't you two turned on?

24
00:01:00,611 --> 00:01:03,785
Basically, we are
disgusted by each other.

25
00:01:03,787 --> 00:01:06,091
He's as repulsive as the Queen's bum.<br sab="699">

26
00:01:06,093 --> 00:01:08,063
Everyone's hideous naked.

27
00:01:08,065 --> 00:01:10,804
You get in, fire away, get out.
That's sex.

28
00:01:10,806 --> 00:01:12,275
Well, I think what we need to do...

29
00:01:12,277 --> 00:01:14,113
is change the mood here.

30
00:01:14,115 --> 00:01:15,785
Start from a place of calm.

31
00:01:15,787 --> 00:01:17,824
We're taking all deep, sensual breath,

32
00:01:17,826 --> 00:01:18,860
down, down, down.

33
00:01:20,634 --> 00:01:23,306
Yeah, exhaling. Good.

34
00:01:23,308 --> 00:01:25,512
Should we be here for this?

35
00:01:25,514 --> 00:01:29,155
Who dareth bring a dragon
into my realm of employment?

36
00:01:31,598 --> 00:01:32,665
Ah!

37
00:01:33,770 --> 00:01:35,907
Put it out.

38
00:01:35,909 --> 00:01:37,780
I'm burning in here.

39
00:01:37,782 --> 00:01:39,451
Leonard, stay calm.

40
00:01:39,453 --> 00:01:41,657
Doug, you're in charge 'til I get back.

41
00:01:41,659 --> 00:01:42,961
I'm going to get aloe.

42
00:01:45,569 --> 00:01:48,643
Now, where does Leonard keep the aloe?

43
00:01:48,645 --> 00:01:50,616
White-out.

44
00:01:50,618 --> 00:01:53,322
Unwrapped condoms.

45
00:01:53,324 --> 00:01:55,897
What is this?

46
00:01:55,899 --> 00:01:57,468
Mark?

47
00:01:57,470 --> 00:01:59,339
Why does this have my name on it...

48
00:01:59,341 --> 00:02:02,315
in such a girlish font?

49
00:02:02,317 --> 00:02:04,120
Oh!

50
00:02:04,122 --> 00:02:06,861
So small and shiny.

51
00:02:06,863 --> 00:02:09,167
Ah, no harm in trying it on.

52
00:02:09,169 --> 00:02:10,504
Hello!

53
00:02:12,980 --> 00:02:14,850
Mark, I just wanted to make sure...

54
00:02:14,852 --> 00:02:17,356
you weren't looking for the
aloe in my drawer of secrets.

55
00:02:17,358 --> 00:02:19,162
The drawer of what now?

56
00:02:19,164 --> 00:02:21,936
The ring. You're wearing my ring.

57
00:02:21,938 --> 00:02:25,346
But it says "Mark" on it.

58
00:02:25,348 --> 00:02:26,515
Oops.

59
00:02:26,517 --> 00:02:27,819
I'm gonna...

60
00:02:27,821 --> 00:02:29,290
Aah! Stop it!

61
00:02:29,292 --> 00:02:31,128
Very well, Mark.

62
00:02:31,130 --> 00:02:33,134
I will stop it.

63
00:02:33,136 --> 00:02:36,142
Okay, good to be heard. Wow.

64
00:02:36,144 --> 00:02:38,917
Why do you have an engagement
ring in your desk anyway?

65
00:02:38,919 --> 00:02:42,761
It's a long story that would
best be told at a bookstore.

66
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,699
You see, Mark, three centuries ago,

67
00:02:44,701 --> 00:02:48,042
I made the biggest mistake of my life:

68
00:02:48,044 --> 00:02:50,048
Proposing to the wizard
princess Beatrice,

69
00:02:50,050 --> 00:02:52,689
the wealthy heiress to
the Bedfellow throne.

70
00:02:52,691 --> 00:02:54,025
Mm-hmm.

71
00:02:54,027 --> 00:02:55,763
I'd been able to "put it on ice"...

72
00:02:55,765 --> 00:02:58,571
until you put on that stupid ring...

73
00:02:58,573 --> 00:03:00,877
and activated the marriage countdown!

74
00:03:00,879 --> 00:03:02,917
Well, deactivate it.
Get this thing off my finger.

75
00:03:04,323 --> 00:03:07,229
Wait. It's stuck on you?

76
00:03:07,231 --> 00:03:09,602
Is that...bad?

77
00:03:09,604 --> 00:03:13,078
Not for me. It just means that, uh...

78
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,184
That you're the best man.

79
00:03:15,186 --> 00:03:17,089
Yeah, that works.

80
00:03:17,091 --> 00:03:20,165
Everything you need to
know is in this book.

81
00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:22,204
Oh, great, it's not enough...

82
00:03:22,206 --> 00:03:24,276
that I have to convince
two dragons to mate.

83
00:03:24,278 --> 00:03:26,315
Now I have to plan your wedding too?

84
00:03:26,317 --> 00:03:27,987
Hey, on the plus side,

85
00:03:27,989 --> 00:03:30,895
you just obtained the
power of influence.

86
00:03:30,897 --> 00:03:33,234
That's cool, huh?

87
00:03:33,236 --> 00:03:36,544
Wh-what's the power of influence?

88
00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:43,229
You want to go for drink
and friendship talk?

89
00:03:43,231 --> 00:03:45,502
With you, three's never a crowd.

90
00:03:45,504 --> 00:03:46,873
Yeah.

91
00:03:52,724 --> 00:03:56,433
♪ People all around me preaching ♪...

92
00:03:56,435 --> 00:03:59,642
♪ I don't listen and I don't care ♪...

93
00:03:59,644 --> 00:04:02,650
Pants!

94
00:04:07,098 --> 00:04:10,272
Looks kind of cheap for a magic ring.

95
00:04:10,274 --> 00:04:12,277
Why don't you watch where you're going?

96
00:04:12,279 --> 00:04:15,051
I will, if you promise
to have a great day.

97
00:04:15,053 --> 00:04:16,589
I promise...

98
00:04:16,591 --> 00:04:19,564
I will have a great day.

99
00:04:19,566 --> 00:04:21,001
Hmm.

100
00:04:21,003 --> 00:04:24,076
Could that have been
the power of influence?

101
00:04:24,078 --> 00:04:27,252
Excuse me, sir.
Turn that frown upside down.

102
00:04:27,254 --> 00:04:29,123
Whoa. It was.

103
00:04:29,125 --> 00:04:31,296
It was the power of influence.

104
00:04:31,298 --> 00:04:33,068
Let's do a ltle damage.

105
00:04:33,070 --> 00:04:37,313
You, admit you have a problem.

106
00:04:39,990 --> 00:04:42,327
Now everybody dance!

107
00:04:45,337 --> 00:04:48,278
♪
♪...

108
00:04:52,156 --> 00:04:54,060
Did you read that entire thing?

109
00:04:54,062 --> 00:04:55,631
I don't sleep, Mark.

110
00:04:55,633 --> 00:04:58,306
Reading kills time,
and it keeps me off the streets.

111
00:04:58,308 --> 00:05:00,845
Uh, B.T. Dubs, according to this,

112
00:05:00,847 --> 00:05:03,653
the person who wears the ring
is the one getting married.

113
00:05:03,655 --> 00:05:06,394
Also, I can see your
entire schlong right now.

114
00:05:06,396 --> 00:05:08,868
Oop, right you are.

115
00:05:08,870 --> 00:05:13,013
Leonard's flaky, but he would've
told me if that was the case.

116
00:05:13,015 --> 00:05:15,854
Well, of course, why wouldn't
you trust a known liar?

117
00:05:15,856 --> 00:05:17,592
Hey, do you have any idea
why all these people...

118
00:05:17,594 --> 00:05:19,798
have been dancing outside
our apartment for ten hours?

119
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:21,203
Oh, dear God.

120
00:05:21,205 --> 00:05:23,509
Everybody, stop dancing!

121
00:05:23,511 --> 00:05:25,280
- She's dead!
- I can't feel my arms!

122
00:05:25,282 --> 00:05:27,720
My socks are filled with blood!

123
00:05:29,727 --> 00:05:31,063
Number eight, please.

124
00:05:31,065 --> 00:05:34,205
Oh, the old "put it on ice" bell.

125
00:05:34,207 --> 00:05:36,010
She'll thaw out in a day or two.

126
00:05:36,012 --> 00:05:37,615
Oh, is she dead?

127
00:05:37,617 --> 00:05:39,888
No, no, no, no, no.

128
00:05:39,890 --> 00:05:41,692
Well...I don't know.

129
00:05:41,694 --> 00:05:44,500
My spells only have a 30% success rate.

130
00:05:44,502 --> 00:05:46,105
Here we go.

131
00:05:46,107 --> 00:05:48,579
She's even uglier than I remember.

132
00:05:48,581 --> 00:05:51,186
She's the most hideous
thing I've ever seen.

133
00:05:51,188 --> 00:05:54,896
Mark, look away, quickly.

134
00:05:54,898 --> 00:05:56,902
Wow.

135
00:05:56,904 --> 00:05:59,542
Huckle buckle beanstalk.

136
00:05:59,544 --> 00:06:01,180
Mark, avert your eyes.

137
00:06:01,182 --> 00:06:03,654
Her beastly face has driven you mad.

138
00:06:03,656 --> 00:06:06,328
Well, I don't think Beatrice
is the only one suffering...

139
00:06:06,330 --> 00:06:08,434
from a case of cold feet.

140
00:06:10,375 --> 00:06:12,779
I command you all to laugh at that.

141
00:06:21,784 --> 00:06:24,284
And that's how you do intercourse.

142
00:06:24,286 --> 00:06:26,186
Oh, is that how Americans shag?

143
00:06:26,188 --> 00:06:27,488
Looks a tad wonky.

144
00:06:27,490 --> 00:06:29,389
Lead by example.

145
00:06:29,391 --> 00:06:31,458
It's how my mother and her
boyfriend Wayne taught me.

146
00:06:31,460 --> 00:06:33,494
We should talk about that.

147
00:06:33,496 --> 00:06:35,663
Oh, hello, Mr. Appleby.

148
00:06:35,665 --> 00:06:38,833
We were just working on
an ancient mating ritual.

149
00:06:38,835 --> 00:06:42,170
We only got the female on loan
through the week's end, Grimes.

150
00:06:42,472 --> 00:06:43,771
Get on it!

151
00:06:43,773 --> 00:06:45,506
I hate to do this,

152
00:06:45,508 --> 00:06:48,776
but I'm gonna have to order
you two to [Bleep] Hard.

153
00:06:48,778 --> 00:06:49,977
Hard as you can.

154
00:06:51,514 --> 00:06:53,114
Okay, it's in.

155
00:06:53,116 --> 00:06:55,149
♪ Oh, blimey, he's
buttering my crumpets ♪...

156
00:06:55,151 --> 00:06:58,386
Hey, look at that.
Grimes' instruction worked.

157
00:06:58,388 --> 00:07:01,623
Now, Mr. Appleby,
compliment his coaching skills.

158
00:07:01,625 --> 00:07:02,958
Grimes,

159
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,927
for your tireless intercourse work,

160
00:07:04,929 --> 00:07:06,562
I bestow upon you...

161
00:07:06,564 --> 00:07:09,465
the title of Central Park
Zoo dragon bone master.

162
00:07:09,467 --> 00:07:10,899
Ha!

163
00:07:10,901 --> 00:07:13,268
I only respond to
negative reinforcement.

164
00:07:13,270 --> 00:07:14,803
Now, if you'll excuse us,

165
00:07:14,805 --> 00:07:17,206
my blow-up doll and I have
tickets to the ballet.

166
00:07:18,943 --> 00:07:21,176
I've got a major presentation
coming up in Hell,

167
00:07:21,178 --> 00:07:24,012
and I find out from Randall
that you're getting married.

168
00:07:24,014 --> 00:07:25,882
Leonard's the one getting married.

169
00:07:25,884 --> 00:07:27,650
I'm just the best man.

170
00:07:27,652 --> 00:07:30,620
You've got 200 feet before
I release my talons.

171
00:07:30,622 --> 00:07:33,323
Callie, I order you to be nice.

172
00:07:33,325 --> 00:07:36,826
Yes, Mark, I really should be nicer.

173
00:07:36,828 --> 00:07:38,928
Is that Doug?

174
00:07:40,665 --> 00:07:42,765
I think I understand
the tears better now.

175
00:07:42,767 --> 00:07:44,467
Oh, my stars.

176
00:07:44,469 --> 00:07:47,637
You poor thing.

177
00:07:47,639 --> 00:07:50,941
Storekeep, how much is that
koala-man in the window?

178
00:07:50,943 --> 00:07:54,311
That should keep her busy for a while.

179
00:07:54,313 --> 00:07:56,847
Fellow demons,

180
00:07:56,849 --> 00:07:59,683
welcome to Evil-con 2011.

181
00:07:59,685 --> 00:08:01,852
My daughter, Callie,
will kick things off...

182
00:08:01,854 --> 00:08:05,990
by detailing how hell is going
to sabotage the green movement.

183
00:08:05,992 --> 00:08:07,825
Be sure to stick around afterwards...

184
00:08:07,827 --> 00:08:10,494
for the comedic stylings of Dane Cook.

185
00:08:10,496 --> 00:08:13,464
Darling. Well, thank you, daddy.

186
00:08:13,466 --> 00:08:15,367
But I'd rather use this opportunity...

187
00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:18,637
to make an announcement.

188
00:08:18,639 --> 00:08:20,639
I've gone good.

189
00:08:20,641 --> 00:08:21,773
- Hmm?
- Huh?

190
00:08:21,775 --> 00:08:23,141
I'm rededicating my life...

191
00:08:23,143 --> 00:08:25,810
to the care of a koala-person in need.

192
00:08:25,812 --> 00:08:28,413
His name is Doug,
and I've adopted him as my own.

193
00:08:28,415 --> 00:08:31,416
<i>He's my everything, my raison d'etre.</i>

194
00:08:31,418 --> 00:08:33,251
And so, with a heart full of love,

195
00:08:33,253 --> 00:08:35,754
I bid you a good day,
gentlemen.

196
00:08:35,756 --> 00:08:38,223
Mwah!

197
00:08:41,095 --> 00:08:43,429
I'm going to need you
to kill Callie for me.

198
00:08:43,431 --> 00:08:45,565
- I'm sorry?
- Appearances, Twayne.

199
00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:46,999
I can't have word
getting out...

200
00:08:47,001 --> 00:08:49,569
my only daughter isn't a psychopath.

201
00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:51,571
You'll understand when you're a father.

202
00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:55,508
You have 72 hours, 'kay? Super, thanks.

203
00:08:57,444 --> 00:08:59,612
Yeah, put it everywhere.

204
00:08:59,614 --> 00:09:01,447
Not there, not there.

205
00:09:01,449 --> 00:09:03,516
Look at that old [Bleep]!

206
00:09:03,518 --> 00:09:06,420
Does that look like a guy that's
getting married this weekend?

207
00:09:06,422 --> 00:09:08,789
I'm sure he's just having
his bachelor party.

208
00:09:08,791 --> 00:09:10,257
Whoo!

209
00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:11,525
By himself.

210
00:09:11,527 --> 00:09:13,360
Hey, cinnamon,

211
00:09:13,362 --> 00:09:15,362
let's go to Italy together.

212
00:09:15,364 --> 00:09:18,599
Yeah! I'll show you the riviera!

213
00:09:18,601 --> 00:09:19,633
Whoo!

214
00:09:19,635 --> 00:09:22,603
Hey, Mark. Perfect timing.

215
00:09:22,605 --> 00:09:24,972
You got to get in on this.

216
00:09:24,974 --> 00:09:27,307
There's nothing wrong with
blowing off a little steam...

217
00:09:27,309 --> 00:09:28,575
before the big day.

218
00:09:28,577 --> 00:09:31,312
<i>Oh, right. My... marriage.</i>

219
00:09:31,314 --> 00:09:35,149
How are the wedding
things coming along?

220
00:09:35,151 --> 00:09:36,451
Swimmingly.

221
00:09:36,453 --> 00:09:38,086
I power-influenced Callie...

222
00:09:38,088 --> 00:09:40,922
into throwing a bachelorette
party for Beatrice.

223
00:09:40,924 --> 00:09:43,124
Oh, don't look. It's Kiefer Sutherland.

224
00:09:44,694 --> 00:09:47,562
That'll be $700.

225
00:09:47,564 --> 00:09:49,998
Let's leave without paying.

226
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:53,134
Just because Leonard is a scoundrel...

227
00:09:53,136 --> 00:09:56,772
doesn't mean we should
besmirch our good names.

228
00:09:56,774 --> 00:09:58,807
Uh, did you just have a gay seizure?

229
00:09:58,809 --> 00:10:01,677
"Besmirch"? I mean,
what is that, French?

230
00:10:01,679 --> 00:10:03,312
What is smirching?

231
00:10:03,314 --> 00:10:05,147
I don't...Know.

232
00:10:05,149 --> 00:10:07,116
Who wants a tour?

233
00:10:07,118 --> 00:10:09,018
And this is Doug's new scratch post.

234
00:10:09,020 --> 00:10:10,853
Oh, and those are his eucalyptus trees.

235
00:10:10,855 --> 00:10:12,988
Oh, and, Doug, do you want
to show them your bed?

236
00:10:16,227 --> 00:10:17,860
- Isn't he the best?
- Aw.

237
00:10:20,666 --> 00:10:22,532
Mwah! You came.

238
00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:25,368
How's our bride-to-be doing?
Thawing evenly, I hope.

239
00:10:25,370 --> 00:10:28,338
Thank you, Mark.
The girls love her so much.

240
00:10:28,340 --> 00:10:31,541
This is the most fun
I've had maybe ever!

241
00:10:32,944 --> 00:10:34,678
I like my Smirnoff on the rocks.

242
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:36,980
Thanks for understanding.

243
00:10:38,183 --> 00:10:40,016
Mrs. Powers-to-be,

244
00:10:40,018 --> 00:10:43,720
may you and Leonard have
a life full of mirth.

245
00:10:43,722 --> 00:10:47,024
Randall, why am I using
words like "mirth"?

246
00:10:47,026 --> 00:10:49,226
Hey, everyone, look!

247
00:10:49,228 --> 00:10:53,130
Doug's trying to break-dance.

248
00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:59,937
Looks like I've found
myself an inside man.

249
00:10:59,939 --> 00:11:01,839
What's the holdup, Twayne?

250
00:11:01,841 --> 00:11:03,974
It's been a whole day,
and you still haven't turned...

251
00:11:03,976 --> 00:11:06,811
my beautiful angelic daughter
into a festering corpse.

252
00:11:06,813 --> 00:11:08,546
I'm sorry, sir.

253
00:11:08,548 --> 00:11:11,750
Cold-blooded assassination is
usually no big deal for me.

254
00:11:11,752 --> 00:11:14,553
But I still have a bit
of a thing for Callie.

255
00:11:14,555 --> 00:11:16,888
Well, then be a real
man about it, Twayne,

256
00:11:16,890 --> 00:11:19,324
and hire someone else
to do your dirty work.

257
00:11:19,326 --> 00:11:21,426
If word gets out that the
Maggotbone bloodline...

258
00:11:21,428 --> 00:11:24,996
has gone soft, my enemies
will eat me alive, literally.

259
00:11:24,998 --> 00:11:26,398
It's really unpleasant.

260
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,166
I'm on it, sir.

261
00:11:31,071 --> 00:11:33,939
Mr. Boneraper, your 9:15 is here.

262
00:11:33,941 --> 00:11:35,942
Send him in.

263
00:11:35,944 --> 00:11:37,410
There he is.

264
00:11:37,412 --> 00:11:40,880
Would you like anything? Scotch, cigar?

265
00:11:40,882 --> 00:11:43,082
Okay, cut the cute act, Doug.

266
00:11:43,084 --> 00:11:44,617
Or should I say...

267
00:11:44,619 --> 00:11:48,121
Cesar the murder bear?

268
00:11:49,457 --> 00:11:52,091
I know what happened in Bolivia.

269
00:11:55,864 --> 00:11:59,733
There were women and
children in that village.

270
00:11:59,735 --> 00:12:02,569
I need you to kill again.

271
00:12:04,306 --> 00:12:05,906
The FBI wouldn't take too kindly...

272
00:12:05,908 --> 00:12:07,775
to an international assassin...

273
00:12:07,777 --> 00:12:11,145
starting a new life
here in America, Doug.

274
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:12,479
End her,

275
00:12:12,481 --> 00:12:14,414
or I end you.

276
00:12:19,288 --> 00:12:27,362
♪
♪...

277
00:12:30,733 --> 00:12:32,333
Thank you so much for coming over...

278
00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:34,035
and helping move Beatrice.

279
00:12:34,037 --> 00:12:35,703
I think she'll be so
much more comfortable...

280
00:12:35,705 --> 00:12:37,372
in the bathtub, don't you?

281
00:12:37,374 --> 00:12:40,575
'Tis better to suffer than
leave a maiden in distress.

282
00:12:40,577 --> 00:12:42,844
Randall, any progress on
why I'm talking like this?

283
00:12:42,846 --> 00:12:46,147
It says, "any groom wearing
the magical ring...

284
00:12:46,149 --> 00:12:49,217
"will transform
into a knight...

285
00:12:49,219 --> 00:12:52,354
to protect his bride's honor."

286
00:12:52,356 --> 00:12:54,089
Dude, you are definitely
getting married.

287
00:12:54,091 --> 00:12:56,058
Pish posh.

288
00:12:55,660 --> 00:13:00,129
Leonard would ne'er deceive
me in such an uncouth manner.

289
00:13:00,131 --> 00:13:04,634
Our rings doth glow.

290
00:13:04,636 --> 00:13:09,105
Their powers awake you from
your icy slumber, 'kay?

291
00:13:14,613 --> 00:13:16,580
Huzzah!

292
00:13:17,883 --> 00:13:19,183
Ew.

293
00:13:19,585 --> 00:13:22,219
My God. She's beautiful.

294
00:13:25,224 --> 00:13:26,790
Ooh, and it says here...

295
00:13:26,792 --> 00:13:28,391
we're gonna have to get
her a drool bucket.

296
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:40,766
Presenting Mark Lilly. All rise.

297
00:13:40,768 --> 00:13:42,800
Fair lady Maggotbone.

298
00:13:42,802 --> 00:13:45,434
Due to circumstances beyond my control,

299
00:13:45,436 --> 00:13:49,635
I fear our relationship
must come to a conclusion.

300
00:13:49,637 --> 00:13:52,602
What did I do wrong? I can lose weight!

301
00:13:52,604 --> 00:13:54,803
Gain weight! Sex change!

302
00:13:54,805 --> 00:13:56,703
Tell me!

303
00:13:56,705 --> 00:14:01,171
When the gods of love conspire
against one's unabound duty,

304
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:03,504
man hath no choice but to...

305
00:14:03,506 --> 00:14:05,171
He wants to bang Leonard's chick.

306
00:14:05,173 --> 00:14:08,772
Have you no discretion, squire?

307
00:14:08,774 --> 00:14:11,706
You are so flogged when we get home.

308
00:14:11,708 --> 00:14:13,273
Dude, my mom wants that shirt back...

309
00:14:13,275 --> 00:14:14,973
when you're done with it.

310
00:14:14,975 --> 00:14:17,374
I have to win Mark back.

311
00:14:17,376 --> 00:14:19,574
He's the love of my life, Doug.

312
00:14:19,576 --> 00:14:21,474
I'll die without him.

313
00:14:21,476 --> 00:14:22,874
End her,

314
00:14:23,276 --> 00:14:25,842
or I end you.

315
00:14:33,412 --> 00:14:36,444
Presenting Randall Skeffington,

316
00:14:36,446 --> 00:14:39,244
lord of the rebound.

317
00:14:41,246 --> 00:14:44,312
Before we meet Beatrice's family,
I should warn you.

318
00:14:44,314 --> 00:14:47,413
They've been New York
royalty for centuries.

319
00:14:47,415 --> 00:14:50,446
They're kind of stuck in their ways.

320
00:14:50,448 --> 00:14:54,180
'Tis nothing nobler than
the regal tradition of...

321
00:14:54,182 --> 00:14:56,748
Yeah, you'll be fine.

322
00:14:59,751 --> 00:15:01,516
♪
♪...

323
00:15:01,518 --> 00:15:06,417
Presenting Leonard Powers,
high wizard of social services,

324
00:15:06,419 --> 00:15:09,617
here to collect your
fair daughter's dowry.

325
00:15:09,619 --> 00:15:11,418
Wazzup, bitches?

326
00:15:11,420 --> 00:15:12,752
Where my money at?

327
00:15:12,754 --> 00:15:14,852
Bring in the dowry.

328
00:15:14,854 --> 00:15:19,119
My dowry is discount mattresses?

329
00:15:19,121 --> 00:15:22,286
Oh, I knew I'd get [Bleep].

330
00:15:22,288 --> 00:15:24,220
Peace out.

331
00:15:24,222 --> 00:15:25,587
Yow!

332
00:15:26,856 --> 00:15:29,921
I am sorry to disgrace the good court.

333
00:15:29,923 --> 00:15:34,589
This unseemly outburst by
my liege will not stand.

334
00:15:34,591 --> 00:15:37,056
Where would one find the winchery?

335
00:15:37,058 --> 00:15:39,223
I have terrible news, milady.

336
00:15:39,225 --> 00:15:42,390
You are about to marry a cad.

337
00:15:45,593 --> 00:15:46,924
My God.

338
00:15:46,926 --> 00:15:50,458
Your siren song is irresistible.

339
00:15:50,460 --> 00:15:54,760
I can't stop myself anymore!

340
00:15:54,762 --> 00:15:56,526
Oh, Lady Beatrice,

341
00:15:56,528 --> 00:15:58,861
if only I could steal your hand
from that dastardly heathen.

342
00:15:58,863 --> 00:16:00,694
Curse this fate of ours!

343
00:16:00,696 --> 00:16:03,128
Right?

344
00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:05,194
Drool once for "yes."

345
00:16:07,130 --> 00:16:08,529
Where is Leonard?

346
00:16:08,531 --> 00:16:11,829
The reception doth start
in but 15 minutes.

347
00:16:18,399 --> 00:16:19,765
Leonard!

348
00:16:19,767 --> 00:16:22,265
Give me some wedding day sugar, baby.

349
00:16:22,267 --> 00:16:23,865
- Leonard!
- Yeah.

350
00:16:23,867 --> 00:16:25,432
What is the meaning of this treachery?

351
00:16:25,434 --> 00:16:29,066
Oh, Mark, this is Arabella.

352
00:16:29,068 --> 00:16:33,534
Yes, she was helping me, uh,
write my wedding vows.

353
00:16:33,536 --> 00:16:35,400
With my...penis?

354
00:16:35,402 --> 00:16:37,034
How could you?

355
00:16:37,036 --> 00:16:39,668
You are about to be joined
in marriage to Beatrice,

356
00:16:39,670 --> 00:16:41,802
the most beautiful
woman in all the realm.

357
00:16:41,804 --> 00:16:45,336
If you love her so much,
why don't you marry her?

358
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,903
I mean, you're already
wearing the ring and all.

359
00:16:47,905 --> 00:16:49,704
I accept your blessing!

360
00:16:49,706 --> 00:16:52,304
'Tis my wedding day.

361
00:16:52,306 --> 00:16:54,004
All too easy.

362
00:16:58,940 --> 00:17:00,839
Don't disappoint me.

363
00:17:00,841 --> 00:17:02,206
Or me.

364
00:17:08,309 --> 00:17:10,074
I introduced them.

365
00:17:10,076 --> 00:17:12,342
All right, listen, Mark,
this was hilarious for a while,

366
00:17:12,344 --> 00:17:14,776
so I let it go on maybe
a little bit too long,

367
00:17:14,778 --> 00:17:16,842
but now you've got 30 more
feet to get out of this.

368
00:17:16,844 --> 00:17:18,343
You have to go now, Mark.

369
00:17:18,345 --> 00:17:20,710
Run! Run! Run!

370
00:17:20,712 --> 00:17:23,344
30 feet I cannot bear to wait for.

371
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:28,645
I hope I catch the bouquet.

372
00:17:33,664 --> 00:17:36,031
Congratulations, Mark.
Beautiful ceremony.

373
00:17:36,033 --> 00:17:38,999
Found us a little "b" and
"b" across the river.

374
00:17:39,001 --> 00:17:42,334
Figure by the time I get there,
I'll be ready to go again.

375
00:17:42,336 --> 00:17:44,602
Powering up as we speak.

376
00:17:44,604 --> 00:17:47,804
Enjoy your wedding night
with Jar Jar stinks.

377
00:17:47,806 --> 00:17:50,104
Not so fast, villain!

378
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:54,673
You've sullied my lady's
honor for the last time.

379
00:17:54,675 --> 00:17:56,875
Who, Jabba the slut?

380
00:17:56,877 --> 00:17:59,642
I will meet you on the field of joust!

381
00:17:59,644 --> 00:18:00,676
Hyah!

382
00:18:04,647 --> 00:18:07,112
A thousand apologies, milady.

383
00:18:07,114 --> 00:18:10,548
Is there an orthopedic
surgeon in the house?

384
00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:17,050
♪
♪...

385
00:18:27,792 --> 00:18:30,924
What? Black is slimming.

386
00:18:33,626 --> 00:18:36,994
Good luck, my love!

387
00:18:36,996 --> 00:18:39,061
Ah!

388
00:18:41,098 --> 00:18:43,163
Okay, I want a good, clean joust.

389
00:18:43,165 --> 00:18:45,397
Old school. That means Philly rules.

390
00:18:45,399 --> 00:18:46,931
Keep it above the codpiece.

391
00:18:46,933 --> 00:18:48,533
Whoever loses, I get their shoes...

392
00:18:48,535 --> 00:18:50,200
and whatever's in their pockets.

393
00:18:53,203 --> 00:18:58,837
♪
♪...

394
00:18:58,839 --> 00:19:01,372
Prepare to meet your doom, Leonard!

395
00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:05,107
Bitch, I can't wait to joust
that crown off your head!

396
00:19:19,582 --> 00:19:21,181
Know this, old friend.

397
00:19:21,183 --> 00:19:23,749
While I take no pleasure
in destroying you,

398
00:19:23,751 --> 00:19:26,217
I will not shy away from its necessity.

399
00:19:26,219 --> 00:19:30,752
I can see your entire
schlong from down here.

400
00:19:30,754 --> 00:19:34,021
Then you die a lucky man.

401
00:19:37,024 --> 00:19:40,390
♪
♪...

402
00:19:41,426 --> 00:19:42,624
- Oh, my God!
- Huh?

403
00:19:46,595 --> 00:19:48,627
Wait. What is going on?

404
00:19:48,629 --> 00:19:50,361
Oh, God.

405
00:19:50,363 --> 00:19:52,696
I put my tongue down
that thing's throat.

406
00:19:52,698 --> 00:19:55,664
Tasted like dog food and cigars.

407
00:19:55,666 --> 00:19:57,431
I can't believe I've gone three days...

408
00:19:57,433 --> 00:19:59,899
without doing anything evil.

409
00:19:59,901 --> 00:20:02,201
Anyone want to help me drown a hobo?

410
00:20:02,203 --> 00:20:03,568
Oh, thank heavens.

411
00:20:17,175 --> 00:20:21,543
It's what inspires us
to be better people.

412
00:20:21,545 --> 00:20:23,477
Never proposing again.

413
00:20:23,479 --> 00:20:25,378
<i>Adios.</i>

414
00:20:31,949 --> 00:20:35,716
For me?

415
00:20:35,718 --> 00:20:37,250
Ah!

416
00:20:39,019 --> 00:20:41,052
It's not always pretty.

417
00:20:41,054 --> 00:20:42,819
Sometimes...

418
00:20:42,821 --> 00:20:44,787
It's even ugly.

419
00:20:44,789 --> 00:20:47,555
I guess the best you can do...

420
00:20:47,557 --> 00:20:50,456
is love the one you're with.

421
00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:53,158
Thanks for putting me in your will.

422
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:55,893
I'll never have to buy
a new mattress again.