1
00:00:02,554 --> 00:00:05,145
People are driven by survival.
2
00:00:05,317 --> 00:00:08,458
We do anything
we can to get by.
3
00:00:09,290 --> 00:00:11,077
Only when we feel safe,
4
00:00:11,250 --> 00:00:14,703
do we start considering
the things we want.
5
00:00:18,181 --> 00:00:19,276
'Sup, girls?
6
00:00:22,150 --> 00:00:26,317
♪ I see you're looking
to my direction ♪
7
00:00:26,661 --> 00:00:30,761
♪ wanna get closer to a
federal breast inspection? ♪
8
00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:33,900
♪ 'cause when you stop to do your thing ♪
9
00:00:34,026 --> 00:00:35,237
♪ uh, uh ♪
10
00:00:35,239 --> 00:00:37,272
♪ I'm gonna hit you with a-- ♪
11
00:00:37,274 --> 00:00:39,508
Bang!
12
00:00:39,746 --> 00:00:43,078
This is what happens when you
sell your soul to be a pop star
13
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,012
without getting parental consent.
14
00:00:55,649 --> 00:00:59,216
38, 39...
15
00:00:59,218 --> 00:01:03,017
Come on, come on, you can do this!
16
00:01:03,019 --> 00:01:04,884
I've gained two pounds?
17
00:01:04,886 --> 00:01:06,517
How is that possible?
18
00:01:06,519 --> 00:01:09,685
I've been working out
every day for a month.
19
00:01:09,687 --> 00:01:11,786
Hmm, interesting.
20
00:01:11,788 --> 00:01:14,454
A volatile week on the soul exchange
21
00:01:14,456 --> 00:01:16,821
as stock in Maggotbone Soul Industries
22
00:01:16,823 --> 00:01:18,954
fell to an all-time low.
23
00:01:18,956 --> 00:01:21,955
Mr. Maggotbone, response?
24
00:01:21,957 --> 00:01:24,756
Well, Maria, I've caught
a few tough breaks.
25
00:01:24,758 --> 00:01:27,123
But in this business,
you're always one soul away
26
00:01:27,125 --> 00:01:28,890
from being back on top.
27
00:01:28,892 --> 00:01:31,324
- Mm, sweat chamois?
- Please.
28
00:01:31,326 --> 00:01:32,925
I'm worried about dad.
29
00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:34,392
He seems really burnt out.
30
00:01:34,394 --> 00:01:36,193
You should go see him.
31
00:01:36,195 --> 00:01:37,926
Maybe a visit from his only daughter
32
00:01:37,928 --> 00:01:39,393
would lift his spirits.
33
00:01:40,462 --> 00:01:43,894
Ah! What is this pain?
34
00:01:43,896 --> 00:01:48,628
Hmm, a cute abdominal cramps
caused by helpful advice,
35
00:01:48,630 --> 00:01:50,930
sudden weight gain.
36
00:01:50,932 --> 00:01:52,729
You have gotten really fat, Mark.
37
00:01:52,731 --> 00:01:54,130
Ah!
38
00:01:54,132 --> 00:01:55,597
Let's just take a look under the hood.
39
00:01:55,599 --> 00:01:57,264
Oh, my dear Christ,
40
00:01:57,266 --> 00:01:59,432
we got to get you to
the hospital right now!
41
00:01:59,434 --> 00:02:02,499
We got to get your
head out of my shirt.
42
00:02:02,501 --> 00:02:04,066
We'll be back with more
43
00:02:04,068 --> 00:02:06,567
from Aldremach Maggotbone, has-been.
44
00:02:06,569 --> 00:02:10,101
Hey, was that really necessary?
45
00:02:10,103 --> 00:02:12,535
When I sold my soul
for Tricia here,
46
00:02:12,537 --> 00:02:13,936
I thought I'd have to live
47
00:02:13,938 --> 00:02:15,902
without the core essence of my being.
48
00:02:15,904 --> 00:02:20,204
But then my doctor
told me about Nuvasoul.
49
00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:21,871
Nuvasoul.
50
00:02:21,873 --> 00:02:24,305
Nuvasoul replicates the
effects of having a soul,
51
00:02:24,307 --> 00:02:27,806
such as consciousness and
a basic moral center.
52
00:02:27,808 --> 00:02:29,906
Right, doll face?
53
00:02:29,908 --> 00:02:31,173
So worth it.
54
00:02:31,175 --> 00:02:33,041
Side effects of
Nuvasoul include
55
00:02:33,043 --> 00:02:35,575
euphoria, contentment,
exhilaration, jubilation,
56
00:02:35,577 --> 00:02:38,075
mirth, optimism,
peace of mind, and diarrhea.
57
00:02:38,077 --> 00:02:41,976
Nuvasoul, manufactured by Pfizer.
58
00:02:41,978 --> 00:02:44,211
Today's topic
59
00:02:44,213 --> 00:02:46,010
go...
60
00:02:46,012 --> 00:02:49,412
O-o-o-o-o-o...
61
00:02:49,414 --> 00:02:52,646
O-o-o-o-o-o...
62
00:02:52,648 --> 00:02:54,146
O-o-o-o-o-oals.
63
00:02:54,148 --> 00:02:56,814
Goals. We all have goals, don't we?
64
00:02:56,815 --> 00:02:59,081
I want to be a real boy.
65
00:02:59,083 --> 00:03:02,049
I want to be President
of United States.
66
00:03:03,650 --> 00:03:05,349
Doug wants to stab things.
67
00:03:05,351 --> 00:03:07,517
All admirable dreams.
68
00:03:07,519 --> 00:03:10,318
However, since the advent of Nuvasoul,
69
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,318
many people are taking a
shortcut to success...
70
00:03:13,687 --> 00:03:16,552
By selling their souls,
like Dustin here.
71
00:03:16,554 --> 00:03:19,086
I'm six minutes late for
my interview with Seacrest.
72
00:03:19,088 --> 00:03:20,487
Can we speed this up?
73
00:03:20,489 --> 00:03:22,387
"Interview," right.
74
00:03:22,389 --> 00:03:24,821
You're not going anywhere
'til your soul contract
75
00:03:24,823 --> 00:03:27,422
is signed by a legal guardian.
76
00:03:27,424 --> 00:03:28,956
Them's the rules.
77
00:03:28,958 --> 00:03:31,223
But my parents gave me up.
I'm an orphan.
78
00:03:31,225 --> 00:03:33,690
Maybe your parents should
have appreciated the miracle
79
00:03:33,692 --> 00:03:34,991
of having a baby with a penis!
80
00:03:36,060 --> 00:03:37,525
Hmm, kind of looks like
81
00:03:37,527 --> 00:03:39,258
we tapped into something there.
82
00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:41,693
I wanted a boy, but vera could
never stick the landing.
83
00:03:41,695 --> 00:03:44,060
After pumping out 15 girls,
84
00:03:44,062 --> 00:03:46,260
she finally gave up and ditched me
85
00:03:46,262 --> 00:03:49,661
for "The Count,"
her new vampire husband.
86
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:51,229
I always wanted a bunch of sisters.
87
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,828
You know, help me with my bangs.
88
00:03:52,830 --> 00:03:55,462
I think you two might be
able to help each other.
89
00:03:55,464 --> 00:03:58,430
So you're saying that my
strong desire for a son...
90
00:03:58,432 --> 00:04:00,364
And my legal need for a parent...
91
00:04:00,366 --> 00:04:01,898
Are somehow related?
92
00:04:01,900 --> 00:04:04,765
Exactly. Everyone wins.
93
00:04:04,767 --> 00:04:06,233
Ah!
94
00:04:08,502 --> 00:04:10,334
Okay, I have to go to the hospital now.
95
00:04:10,336 --> 00:04:12,934
That's what you get for
eating in the commissary.
96
00:04:14,369 --> 00:04:15,835
Okay, do you need water?
97
00:04:15,837 --> 00:04:17,269
Are you comfortable?
98
00:04:17,271 --> 00:04:19,102
Do you need a pillow?
They have pillows here.
99
00:04:19,104 --> 00:04:21,503
Can somebody get me a pillow, please?
100
00:04:21,505 --> 00:04:23,437
As your Nuvasoul sales rep,
101
00:04:23,439 --> 00:04:25,770
we appreciate you
sticking with Nuvasoul
102
00:04:25,772 --> 00:04:29,738
and not those crappy
knockoffs like Soulvitra.
103
00:04:29,740 --> 00:04:33,006
Here, take some free pens.
104
00:04:33,008 --> 00:04:35,773
Leonard, is that a
Nuvasoul windbreaker?
105
00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:39,075
Yeah, I do some pharm
rep work on the side.
106
00:04:39,077 --> 00:04:42,375
I owe a lot of bad people
a lot of filthy money.
107
00:04:42,377 --> 00:04:44,476
Peddling Nuvasoul?
108
00:04:44,478 --> 00:04:47,409
I hate to say this,
but I'm disappointed in you.
109
00:04:47,411 --> 00:04:49,143
What?
110
00:04:49,145 --> 00:04:52,245
Oh, you're right.
This is totally beneath me.
111
00:04:52,247 --> 00:04:55,612
There's got to be a better way
for me to earn cash on the side.
112
00:04:55,614 --> 00:04:58,946
Thanks, Mark. You've set me straight.
113
00:04:58,948 --> 00:05:00,447
Ow, helping hurts.
114
00:05:00,449 --> 00:05:01,914
Okay, okay. Squeeze my hand.
115
00:05:01,916 --> 00:05:03,548
We're almost there. What was that?
116
00:05:03,550 --> 00:05:06,414
Who do I have to [Bleep] To
get a doctor around here?
117
00:05:06,416 --> 00:05:07,748
That would be me.
118
00:05:07,750 --> 00:05:08,849
Eh.
119
00:05:10,084 --> 00:05:11,450
Doctor, thank God.
120
00:05:11,452 --> 00:05:13,050
What's happening to me?
121
00:05:13,052 --> 00:05:15,351
Oh, I'm sure it's nothing,
122
00:05:15,353 --> 00:05:16,951
but let's take a look-see-dooks.
123
00:05:16,953 --> 00:05:20,185
Oh, dear God almighty!
124
00:05:21,521 --> 00:05:23,419
Be still, fool!
125
00:05:23,421 --> 00:05:25,354
You'll jostle it!
126
00:05:25,356 --> 00:05:27,687
Ah!
127
00:05:29,556 --> 00:05:31,355
Okay, you got to be a big boy, Mark.
128
00:05:31,357 --> 00:05:33,656
This radioactive dye
isn't gonna drink itself.
129
00:05:36,891 --> 00:05:40,224
What kind of medical
examination is this?
130
00:05:40,226 --> 00:05:41,691
Shut your mouth!
131
00:05:44,460 --> 00:05:46,692
Well? Give it to me straight, doc.
132
00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:48,226
Don't keep me hanging.
133
00:05:48,228 --> 00:05:50,426
Your suspicions were correct,
Mr. Skeffington.
134
00:05:50,428 --> 00:05:53,494
I've never seen anything quite like it.
135
00:05:53,496 --> 00:05:59,129
Mark Lilly has the biggest
soul I've ever seen!
136
00:05:59,131 --> 00:06:01,596
Oh, my God.
137
00:06:01,598 --> 00:06:03,230
I'm gonna be rich.
138
00:06:03,232 --> 00:06:05,063
Cigars all around, everybody.
139
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,731
Where's the-- where's the cigars at?
140
00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:09,798
Who do I have to [Bleep]
To get the cigars in here!
141
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:10,965
That would be me.
142
00:06:14,419 --> 00:06:16,287
Dad, I'm worried about you.
143
00:06:16,289 --> 00:06:18,456
You saw the news. I'm a has-been.
144
00:06:18,458 --> 00:06:20,557
Bartender, schlitz.
145
00:06:20,559 --> 00:06:22,726
Daddy, we're in your office.
146
00:06:22,728 --> 00:06:24,161
There's no bartender here.
147
00:06:24,163 --> 00:06:27,531
Ah, just kill me now. Literally.
148
00:06:27,533 --> 00:06:29,765
There's a dagger over
there in the credenza.
149
00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:31,467
You can't give up.
150
00:06:31,469 --> 00:06:34,670
You're one big soul deal
away from being back on top.
151
00:06:34,672 --> 00:06:36,205
Save your breath, kitten.
152
00:06:36,207 --> 00:06:38,374
For me to save Maggotbone Industries,
153
00:06:38,376 --> 00:06:39,774
I'd have to land--
154
00:06:39,776 --> 00:06:42,710
The biggest soul you've ever seen?
155
00:06:42,712 --> 00:06:45,280
Randall, what are you doing here?
156
00:06:45,282 --> 00:06:48,216
Oh, nothing, just saving
your dad's big fat red ass.
157
00:06:48,218 --> 00:06:50,250
For a cut of the profits, of course.
158
00:06:50,252 --> 00:06:53,720
Ah!
159
00:06:53,722 --> 00:06:55,722
After years of good deeds,
160
00:06:55,724 --> 00:06:58,591
your soul swelled to
such a massive size
161
00:06:58,593 --> 00:07:00,693
that it started crushing your liver,
162
00:07:00,695 --> 00:07:02,695
which we had to remove, by the way.
163
00:07:02,697 --> 00:07:04,630
So what's the cure?
164
00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:06,966
Well, we can start you
on a strict regimen
165
00:07:06,968 --> 00:07:08,867
of being a complete ass[Bleep].
166
00:07:08,869 --> 00:07:12,604
Or you could always unload
it on the soul Market.
167
00:07:12,606 --> 00:07:13,939
So what'll it be, then?
168
00:07:13,941 --> 00:07:15,874
Wealth? Power?
169
00:07:15,876 --> 00:07:18,309
Don't even think about
asking for a million wishes,
170
00:07:18,311 --> 00:07:19,710
because that's total bull[Bleep].
171
00:07:19,712 --> 00:07:22,112
I'm not giving up my soul,
172
00:07:22,114 --> 00:07:25,282
no matter how bloating it is.
173
00:07:25,284 --> 00:07:27,850
We can give you everything
you've ever wanted, Mark.
174
00:07:27,852 --> 00:07:29,452
And you won't have to worry
175
00:07:29,454 --> 00:07:31,154
about any unsightly stretch marks.
176
00:07:31,156 --> 00:07:33,623
My soul is staying
right where it belongs,
177
00:07:33,625 --> 00:07:36,326
between my navel and
my lower intestine.
178
00:07:36,328 --> 00:07:37,926
It's called the pooch.
179
00:07:39,729 --> 00:07:42,564
And that's where I get the
inspiration for my songs:
180
00:07:42,566 --> 00:07:44,733
Puppies, people's moms.
181
00:07:44,735 --> 00:07:47,235
Tell us more about your bangs!
182
00:07:47,237 --> 00:07:49,670
Your daughters are
really cute, Francis.
183
00:07:49,672 --> 00:07:51,606
I wish they could come
with us on the road.
184
00:07:51,608 --> 00:07:53,641
What do you mean? It's a done deal.
185
00:07:53,643 --> 00:07:55,243
We're a family band now.
186
00:07:55,245 --> 00:07:56,210
I'm on bass.
187
00:07:56,212 --> 00:07:57,644
Vera plays the skins.
188
00:07:57,646 --> 00:07:58,712
Suri, sax.
189
00:07:58,714 --> 00:08:00,280
Zahara, keys.
190
00:08:00,282 --> 00:08:02,649
Shiloh, you're lead guitar,
banging it out.
191
00:08:02,651 --> 00:08:04,017
Moon Unit, rhythm guitar.
192
00:08:04,019 --> 00:08:05,218
The rest of you are backup.
193
00:08:05,220 --> 00:08:06,620
What about me?
194
00:08:06,621 --> 00:08:08,454
I'm in the family too.
195
00:08:08,456 --> 00:08:10,456
Oh, right, why would I want to forget
196
00:08:10,458 --> 00:08:12,858
my ex-wife's new husband?
197
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:14,994
I guess you can be the manager.
198
00:08:14,996 --> 00:08:17,795
Now, come on, gang.
We've got some rehearsing to do.
199
00:08:17,797 --> 00:08:19,897
Everyone get in the [Bleep] garage!
200
00:08:19,899 --> 00:08:21,966
Out of sight.
201
00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:25,370
I'm nervous about this soul business.
202
00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:27,938
Callie's dad does not mess around.
203
00:08:27,940 --> 00:08:30,207
I'm actually kind of
afraid for my life.
204
00:08:30,209 --> 00:08:33,143
Don't you worry that pretty
little head of yours, Mark.
205
00:08:33,145 --> 00:08:35,045
I'll be your bodyguard.
206
00:08:35,047 --> 00:08:37,513
I'm already a yellow belt in aikido.
207
00:08:37,515 --> 00:08:40,549
A few years of training in Nepal
with the league of shadows,
208
00:08:40,551 --> 00:08:42,652
and I totally got your back.
209
00:08:42,654 --> 00:08:46,154
Wow, that is really nice
of you to offer, Leonard.
210
00:08:46,156 --> 00:08:48,957
But I don't want to drag you into this.
211
00:08:48,959 --> 00:08:50,725
Oh, I get it.
212
00:08:50,727 --> 00:08:53,094
You don't think I'd
be a good bodyguard.
213
00:08:53,096 --> 00:08:56,063
No! I think you would be fantastic.
214
00:08:56,065 --> 00:08:57,731
It's just--
215
00:08:57,733 --> 00:09:00,601
I'm only doing this to
earn back your respect!
216
00:09:00,603 --> 00:09:02,636
What is wrong with you?
217
00:09:02,638 --> 00:09:04,605
Fine! God!
218
00:09:04,607 --> 00:09:05,838
You're my bodyguard.
219
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:09,342
My services cost $5,000 a week.
220
00:09:09,344 --> 00:09:11,778
♪ Bomp, bomp, bomp, bomp, bah ♪
221
00:09:11,780 --> 00:09:13,479
And we're ready!
222
00:09:13,481 --> 00:09:15,080
Now, let's pack up the gear.
223
00:09:15,082 --> 00:09:16,548
Can't be late for our first gig.
224
00:09:16,550 --> 00:09:18,684
Short Hills mall, here we come.
225
00:09:18,686 --> 00:09:20,452
Excuse me, Frank.
226
00:09:20,454 --> 00:09:22,254
I don't want to be a schlemiel,
227
00:09:22,256 --> 00:09:25,122
but I was looking at Dustin's schedule,
228
00:09:25,124 --> 00:09:28,926
and he is already booked
at Madison Square Garden.
229
00:09:28,928 --> 00:09:31,562
Don't you think that
the local mall is, uh,
230
00:09:31,564 --> 00:09:33,731
a real step backwards?
231
00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:37,334
My drumstick!
232
00:09:37,336 --> 00:09:38,635
Does anyone else
233
00:09:38,637 --> 00:09:40,003
want to tell me how to run this band?
234
00:09:40,005 --> 00:09:41,404
- Mm-mm!
- No way!
235
00:09:41,406 --> 00:09:43,740
Apple, you're the band manager now.
236
00:09:43,742 --> 00:09:44,873
Congratulations.
237
00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:46,408
If we play our cards right,
238
00:09:46,410 --> 00:09:49,311
we could end up at
Madison Square Garden!
239
00:09:53,017 --> 00:09:55,616
Listen, Rumer, sorry to do this.
240
00:09:55,618 --> 00:09:56,784
It's just not working out.
241
00:09:56,786 --> 00:09:58,619
I'm fresh out of cab fare.
242
00:09:58,621 --> 00:10:00,021
You're gonna have to hitch a ride
243
00:10:00,023 --> 00:10:01,589
back to your mom's house in Florida.
244
00:10:01,591 --> 00:10:04,191
Gas, ass, or grass.
245
00:10:04,193 --> 00:10:05,792
Nobody rides for free.
246
00:10:10,665 --> 00:10:13,200
Callie, I have a bone to pick with you
247
00:10:13,202 --> 00:10:14,834
about this soul business.
248
00:10:14,836 --> 00:10:15,935
Ah!
249
00:10:15,937 --> 00:10:18,938
Huh?
250
00:10:18,940 --> 00:10:21,006
You coldcocked me over the head
251
00:10:21,008 --> 00:10:22,241
just to bring me to work?
252
00:10:22,243 --> 00:10:24,008
Oh, you're not at work, Mark.
253
00:10:24,010 --> 00:10:26,578
This is a fantasy we've
concocted for you.
254
00:10:26,580 --> 00:10:28,546
We just thought you'd like
to see what would happen
255
00:10:28,548 --> 00:10:29,848
if you sold your soul to be
256
00:10:29,850 --> 00:10:31,249
greatest social worker of all time.
257
00:10:31,251 --> 00:10:33,250
Look, I appreciate the effort, but--
258
00:10:34,453 --> 00:10:35,919
What's going on?
259
00:10:35,921 --> 00:10:37,755
It's just a transitional device, Mark.
260
00:10:37,757 --> 00:10:39,356
Bear with us.
261
00:10:39,358 --> 00:10:41,592
You realize Erik's dream of being human
262
00:10:41,594 --> 00:10:45,628
by finding a 12-year-old boy
that wants to be a robot.
263
00:10:45,630 --> 00:10:47,964
I'm real.
264
00:10:47,966 --> 00:10:49,298
I'm really real.
265
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,800
Cool!
266
00:10:50,802 --> 00:10:52,601
It's time to smash some [Bleep]!
267
00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:56,538
I didn't realize that
technology existed.
268
00:10:57,808 --> 00:10:59,908
Ow!
269
00:10:59,910 --> 00:11:01,476
Using hypnotherapy,
270
00:11:01,478 --> 00:11:02,977
you steer Doug's stabbing impulses
271
00:11:02,979 --> 00:11:04,445
in a positive direction.
272
00:11:04,447 --> 00:11:06,380
He becomes the executive chef at Nobu.
273
00:11:06,382 --> 00:11:09,049
I knew those daddy issues
were blocking his potential.
274
00:11:10,119 --> 00:11:11,752
Oh!
275
00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:13,987
So help me to God.
276
00:11:16,591 --> 00:11:20,560
You spearhead a campaign for
a constitutional amendment
277
00:11:20,562 --> 00:11:22,995
allowing Croatians
to run for president.
278
00:11:22,997 --> 00:11:24,663
I have to say,
279
00:11:24,665 --> 00:11:27,399
I do have some mixed
feelings about this one.
280
00:11:27,401 --> 00:11:30,302
He's a sociopath.
281
00:11:30,304 --> 00:11:32,837
He does not know the difference
between right and wrong.
282
00:11:35,674 --> 00:11:37,575
Capitalizing on all these successes,
283
00:11:37,577 --> 00:11:41,078
you become an international
self-improvement sensation:
284
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:44,414
Speaking engagements,
books on tape--you name it--
285
00:11:44,416 --> 00:11:45,715
even your own franchise
286
00:11:45,717 --> 00:11:48,151
of group counseling establishments.
287
00:11:48,153 --> 00:11:50,587
Mark Lilly's Life Improve-matorium?
288
00:11:50,589 --> 00:11:52,655
I always dreamt it
would be help-ateria,
289
00:11:52,657 --> 00:11:53,789
but this is even better.
290
00:11:53,791 --> 00:11:55,391
It will be the most profitable
291
00:11:55,393 --> 00:11:57,960
nonprofit organization in histo.
292
00:11:57,962 --> 00:11:59,361
So what do you think, Mark?
293
00:11:59,363 --> 00:12:01,129
You'd be the first social worker
294
00:12:01,131 --> 00:12:03,097
to get Time's man of the year.
295
00:12:03,099 --> 00:12:06,034
I had it mocked up in Photoshop.
It's great, isn't it.
296
00:12:06,036 --> 00:12:08,436
It's becoming easier for
me to see how people
297
00:12:08,438 --> 00:12:10,971
would give up something as
precious as their souls.
298
00:12:10,973 --> 00:12:13,307
You really did get to
the core of my desires.
299
00:12:13,309 --> 00:12:15,742
And with Nuvasoul to fill in the void,
300
00:12:15,744 --> 00:12:17,144
what's the downside?
301
00:12:17,146 --> 00:12:19,546
I mean, apart from the diarrhea.
302
00:12:19,548 --> 00:12:22,148
I-- I don't even know anymore.
303
00:12:22,150 --> 00:12:23,816
I'll give you precisely three minutes
304
00:12:23,818 --> 00:12:24,984
to think about it.
305
00:12:24,986 --> 00:12:26,786
We'll be right back, folks.
306
00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:29,555
If you or a family member
have taken Nuvasoul
307
00:12:29,557 --> 00:12:32,123
and suffered from explosive diarrhea,
308
00:12:32,125 --> 00:12:34,926
you may be entitled
to cash compensation.
309
00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:36,283
Contact the law firm
310
00:12:36,421 --> 00:12:39,355
of Rothstein, Mandelbaum,
and Giant Baby today
311
00:12:39,357 --> 00:12:43,092
and get the justice you deserve.
312
00:12:47,117 --> 00:12:48,949
So, Mark, what do you say?
313
00:12:48,951 --> 00:12:51,116
I want all of this.
314
00:12:51,118 --> 00:12:52,582
I truly do.
315
00:12:52,584 --> 00:12:54,682
But I want to achieve it on my own.
316
00:12:54,684 --> 00:12:56,816
I don't want to take a
shortcut to success.
317
00:12:58,284 --> 00:12:59,849
All right, people, it's a bust.
318
00:12:59,851 --> 00:13:02,282
Shut it down. Shut it all down.
319
00:13:02,284 --> 00:13:03,315
Whoa!
320
00:13:03,317 --> 00:13:05,148
Mark my words, Lilly.
321
00:13:05,150 --> 00:13:07,349
I will get that soul of yours
322
00:13:07,351 --> 00:13:08,848
one way or anoth--
323
00:13:08,850 --> 00:13:10,082
ah!
324
00:13:10,084 --> 00:13:11,748
Hi-yah!
325
00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:12,781
Daddy!
326
00:13:12,783 --> 00:13:14,282
Leonard?
327
00:13:14,284 --> 00:13:17,415
Come with me if you
want to keep your soul.
328
00:13:21,449 --> 00:13:23,548
What-- what are we gonna do?
329
00:13:23,550 --> 00:13:26,181
We're gonna crack some skulls.
330
00:13:40,182 --> 00:13:42,314
Oops, sorry about that.
331
00:13:42,316 --> 00:13:43,381
Yeah!
332
00:13:45,282 --> 00:13:47,114
Huh?
333
00:13:47,116 --> 00:13:48,814
Leonard, where are we?
334
00:13:48,816 --> 00:13:50,880
My safe house in Little Chechnya.
335
00:13:50,882 --> 00:13:53,114
Here, have a man's breakfast.
336
00:13:53,116 --> 00:13:54,847
Why would I want to drink vodka
337
00:13:54,849 --> 00:13:56,180
at 8:00 in the morning?
338
00:13:56,182 --> 00:13:58,280
To anesthetize yourself.
339
00:13:58,282 --> 00:14:01,113
I realize now the only
way to protect you
340
00:14:01,115 --> 00:14:02,913
is for us to switch faces.
341
00:14:02,915 --> 00:14:06,280
I'm Nicolas Cage. You're John Travolta.
342
00:14:06,282 --> 00:14:08,646
And--wait. No. I call Travolta.
343
00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:11,913
What do you want now?
344
00:14:11,915 --> 00:14:14,280
We could have done this
the easy way, Mark.
345
00:14:14,282 --> 00:14:15,913
Now, you give us your soul,
346
00:14:15,915 --> 00:14:17,746
or I put a shell in
your roommate's noggin.
347
00:14:17,748 --> 00:14:20,980
This is brilliant.
He'll totally fall for this.
348
00:14:20,982 --> 00:14:22,646
No, I'm really going
to splatter your skull
349
00:14:22,648 --> 00:14:24,012
all over that wall.
350
00:14:24,014 --> 00:14:25,412
Oh, my God, Mark!
351
00:14:25,414 --> 00:14:26,412
I don't want to die.
352
00:14:27,748 --> 00:14:29,778
Dr. Feelgood's Wellness Clinic,
353
00:14:29,780 --> 00:14:31,012
tomorrow morning.
354
00:14:31,014 --> 00:14:32,812
Your turn.
355
00:14:35,779 --> 00:14:37,812
You call that a dance routine?
356
00:14:37,814 --> 00:14:40,279
I'm seeing the popping,
but where's the locking?
357
00:14:40,281 --> 00:14:42,212
Do I have to do everything myself?
358
00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:44,112
Moon Unit, where's that tambourine?
359
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:46,778
Five, six, seven.
360
00:14:46,780 --> 00:14:48,244
♪ And uh and uh-uh ♪
361
00:14:48,246 --> 00:14:49,845
♪ uh-uh-uh, uh-uh ♪
362
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:52,345
♪ uh-uh, ha-ha, huh-huh ♪
363
00:14:52,347 --> 00:14:55,745
♪ uh-uh, uh-uh, and uh and uh-uh ♪
364
00:14:55,747 --> 00:14:57,511
♪ uh-uh-uh, uh-uh ♪
365
00:14:57,513 --> 00:14:58,944
Groovetastic.
366
00:14:58,946 --> 00:15:00,311
Now, that is how you do it.
367
00:15:00,313 --> 00:15:01,877
Damn!
368
00:15:01,879 --> 00:15:04,777
I didn't sign up for this. I quit.
369
00:15:04,779 --> 00:15:08,044
Fine, go! We don't need you.
370
00:15:08,046 --> 00:15:11,044
Rumer, you're up.
Where the hell is Rumer?
371
00:15:17,945 --> 00:15:20,177
- Where you headed?
- Florida.
372
00:15:20,179 --> 00:15:22,577
Me too. Hop in.
373
00:15:30,978 --> 00:15:33,243
A bullish day on the soul exchange.
374
00:15:33,245 --> 00:15:37,343
Maggotbone Soul Industries
stock skyrocketed to a new high
375
00:15:37,345 --> 00:15:39,743
on rumors that they have
acquired the biggest soul
376
00:15:39,745 --> 00:15:41,176
in the western hemisphere.
377
00:15:41,178 --> 00:15:43,343
Sources say the soul
belongs to this man,
378
00:15:43,345 --> 00:15:45,743
Mark Lilly, a government social worker
379
00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:49,076
with a nauseatingly perfect
record of good intentions.
380
00:15:49,078 --> 00:15:51,709
Jesus, take his photo down.
It makes me sick.
381
00:15:53,743 --> 00:15:55,709
Well, it's a day to the big show,
382
00:15:55,711 --> 00:15:57,775
and we have no lead singer.
383
00:15:57,777 --> 00:15:59,309
Our goose is cooked.
384
00:15:59,311 --> 00:16:01,076
You're right, Pilot Inspector.
385
00:16:01,078 --> 00:16:03,608
I am the only one who
can fill in for Dustin
386
00:16:03,610 --> 00:16:05,408
as the lead singer of our band.
387
00:16:05,410 --> 00:16:06,942
I didn't say that.
388
00:16:06,944 --> 00:16:08,542
Listen to me carefully, girls.
389
00:16:08,544 --> 00:16:10,809
Daddy is not gonna blow
his second chance...
390
00:16:10,811 --> 00:16:13,208
Chance, chance, chance.
391
00:16:13,210 --> 00:16:16,542
All right, after the break,
a live performance
392
00:16:16,544 --> 00:16:20,608
from the new group Earth,
Wind, Fire, & Grimes.
393
00:16:20,610 --> 00:16:23,908
You guys ready? This is our big break.
394
00:16:23,910 --> 00:16:25,474
Hey, man, listen.
395
00:16:25,476 --> 00:16:29,108
Me and the guys have
been talking, and, uh,
396
00:16:29,110 --> 00:16:30,341
we want you out of the group.
397
00:16:30,343 --> 00:16:32,075
But I'm the lead singer.
398
00:16:32,077 --> 00:16:34,574
That's just it.
We don't dig your style.
399
00:16:34,576 --> 00:16:37,140
This whole rapping thing
of yours is going nowhere.
400
00:16:37,142 --> 00:16:39,507
But I'm mixing talking and music.
401
00:16:39,509 --> 00:16:41,474
It's gonna be huge, I'm telling you.
402
00:16:41,476 --> 00:16:42,607
People don't want to hear
403
00:16:42,609 --> 00:16:44,140
rhythmic talking about street life.
404
00:16:44,142 --> 00:16:46,407
They want to hear jams
about boogie wonderlands
405
00:16:46,409 --> 00:16:49,140
and letting the groove get you to move.
406
00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:51,441
Sorry, Grimes,
music just ain't your thing...
407
00:16:51,443 --> 00:16:52,974
Thing, thing, thing.
408
00:16:54,375 --> 00:16:55,773
And that was the day
409
00:16:55,775 --> 00:16:59,273
that Earth, Wind,
& Fire crushed my dreams.
410
00:16:59,275 --> 00:17:03,306
All I've ever wanted to do is rap!
411
00:17:04,407 --> 00:17:05,939
We are here live
412
00:17:05,941 --> 00:17:07,939
at Dr. Feelgood's Soul Extraction Lab,
413
00:17:07,941 --> 00:17:10,640
as Aldremach Maggotbone
prepares to collect
414
00:17:10,642 --> 00:17:12,772
Mark Lilly's massive soul.
415
00:17:12,774 --> 00:17:15,939
I failed you, Mark.
416
00:17:15,941 --> 00:17:17,739
I failed you!
417
00:17:17,741 --> 00:17:19,872
Oh, stop being such a baby.
418
00:17:19,874 --> 00:17:22,572
Drinks are on me,
once I cash in my shares.
419
00:17:22,574 --> 00:17:24,039
- Top shelf?
- Mm-hmm.
420
00:17:24,041 --> 00:17:25,106
Deal.
421
00:17:28,473 --> 00:17:30,472
Oh
422
00:17:36,274 --> 00:17:39,871
Your soul is mine, Mark Lilly.
423
00:17:47,418 --> 00:17:49,352
Ah!
424
00:17:51,490 --> 00:17:53,257
I did it!
425
00:17:53,259 --> 00:17:54,825
Aw!
426
00:17:54,827 --> 00:17:57,496
What? What the hell is that crap?
427
00:17:57,498 --> 00:17:59,698
His soul is no bigger than a pea.
428
00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:01,267
This can't be happening.
429
00:18:01,269 --> 00:18:03,436
I saw the X-Rays myself.
430
00:18:03,438 --> 00:18:05,005
Get these cameras out of here.
431
00:18:05,007 --> 00:18:07,541
Get these cameras the
[Bleep] out of here!!
432
00:18:07,543 --> 00:18:09,344
That was the scene yesterday
433
00:18:09,346 --> 00:18:11,346
as Mark Lilly's supposedly massive soul
434
00:18:11,348 --> 00:18:15,017
turned out to be a massive bust
for Maggotbone Soul Industries,
435
00:18:15,019 --> 00:18:16,820
whose stock plummeted to a new low
436
00:18:16,822 --> 00:18:18,455
by the end of trading.
437
00:18:18,457 --> 00:18:20,658
Still no word as to what
caused the former soul titan
438
00:18:20,660 --> 00:18:23,194
to put his faith in
such a pathetic loser.
439
00:18:23,196 --> 00:18:24,630
What she doesn't know
440
00:18:24,632 --> 00:18:26,799
is that before I gave up my soul,
441
00:18:26,801 --> 00:18:30,136
this pathetic loser
sold Aldremach short.
442
00:18:30,138 --> 00:18:33,841
Dr. Feelgood's Wellness Clinic,
tomorrow morning.
443
00:18:33,843 --> 00:18:35,743
Before heading to the
soul extraction lab,
444
00:18:35,745 --> 00:18:37,613
I stopped by my local soul broker
445
00:18:37,615 --> 00:18:40,383
and bet on Aldremach's
stock to plummet.
446
00:18:40,385 --> 00:18:44,455
After that, it was a simple
matter of devaluing my own soul.
447
00:18:46,858 --> 00:18:48,860
I spent the entire
night debauching myself
448
00:18:48,862 --> 00:18:51,763
through acts I never thought
I would be capable of.
449
00:18:51,765 --> 00:18:54,100
I had to choke down
my inherent morality
450
00:18:54,102 --> 00:18:56,770
and remind myself that I was
doing it for the greater good,
451
00:18:56,772 --> 00:18:58,572
although I did catch myself
452
00:18:58,574 --> 00:19:00,708
having some fun at
Charlie Sheen's place.
453
00:19:00,710 --> 00:19:03,378
You know, he's nice,
and he parties hard.
454
00:19:03,380 --> 00:19:04,947
By morning, I was confident
455
00:19:04,949 --> 00:19:07,216
I had rendered my soul
totally worthless.
456
00:19:07,218 --> 00:19:09,919
A reverse grinching, if you will.
457
00:19:09,921 --> 00:19:11,454
Aw!
458
00:19:11,456 --> 00:19:12,857
What?
459
00:19:12,859 --> 00:19:14,759
Well, this is utterly worthless.
460
00:19:14,761 --> 00:19:17,796
Back to being the laughing
stock of the soul exchange.
461
00:19:17,798 --> 00:19:19,331
After a two hours
462
00:19:19,333 --> 00:19:21,267
of rooting through the
medical waste dumpster
463
00:19:21,269 --> 00:19:24,470
at the clinic, my soul
was once again my own...
464
00:19:24,472 --> 00:19:26,307
Ah!
465
00:19:26,309 --> 00:19:29,277
Along with $50,000,
which I promptly invested
466
00:19:29,279 --> 00:19:30,845
in a sensible college fund
467
00:19:30,847 --> 00:19:33,683
for my future children,
Ethan and Desiree.
468
00:19:33,685 --> 00:19:36,753
And, well, that about sums it up.
469
00:19:36,755 --> 00:19:38,989
Now, if I'm not mistaken,
470
00:19:38,991 --> 00:19:42,126
I believe we have a concert to go to.
471
00:19:43,829 --> 00:19:46,765
Whoo!
472
00:19:46,767 --> 00:19:49,736
So do you also to watch
the Gossip Girl?
473
00:19:49,738 --> 00:19:50,970
Ugh.
474
00:19:50,972 --> 00:19:53,240
Ladies and pre-ladies,
475
00:19:53,242 --> 00:19:55,309
please welcome to the stage
476
00:19:55,311 --> 00:19:59,481
Francis Grimes and the Family von Rap.
477
00:19:59,483 --> 00:20:01,551
Vera, drop the beat.
478
00:20:05,491 --> 00:20:07,224
♪ Well, I was walking down the street ♪
479
00:20:07,226 --> 00:20:09,194
♪ looking at the sidewalk,
moving to the beat ♪
480
00:20:09,196 --> 00:20:11,129
♪ chillin' like a beanstalk ♪
481
00:20:11,131 --> 00:20:12,564
♪ rockin', talkin' fly hip-hoppin' ♪
482
00:20:12,566 --> 00:20:15,835
Where's Dustin? What is happening?
483
00:20:15,837 --> 00:20:18,405
Stop rapping, you horrible old man!
484
00:20:18,407 --> 00:20:20,073
Oof.
485
00:20:20,075 --> 00:20:22,243
I really hope he doesn't
quit his day job.
486
00:20:24,313 --> 00:20:25,681
It's not easy being human.
487
00:20:25,683 --> 00:20:28,350
We can forget to take
care of ourselves.
488
00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:30,253
Come on, you can do this!
489
00:20:30,255 --> 00:20:31,821
We can forget to keep
490
00:20:31,823 --> 00:20:33,991
each other's best interests at heart...
491
00:20:33,993 --> 00:20:36,995
Bartender, Red Bull and vodka.
492
00:20:36,997 --> 00:20:38,697
Oh, right, my office.
493
00:20:38,699 --> 00:20:40,432
Or to make time for our friends.
494
00:20:40,434 --> 00:20:43,136
This was the funnest day ever!
495
00:20:43,138 --> 00:20:45,706
- BFFs?
- BFFs.
496
00:20:45,708 --> 00:20:49,377
We can let our imaginations
get carried away.
497
00:20:49,379 --> 00:20:52,680
I'm the Kevin Costner
to your Whitney Houston.
498
00:20:52,682 --> 00:20:54,850
I'm to young for that reference, dog.
499
00:20:54,852 --> 00:20:57,220
But one thing we should never forget...
500
00:20:58,957 --> 00:21:00,957
Is to have soul.