1
00:00:05,974 --> 00:00:08,675
They say no matter
how fast you run,
2
00:00:08,677 --> 00:00:11,811
sooner or later,
your past catches up with you.
3
00:00:11,813 --> 00:00:13,211
Comin' through!
4
00:00:15,250 --> 00:00:16,282
Oh!
5
00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:19,352
Whoa!
6
00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:23,389
And I'm back.
7
00:00:23,391 --> 00:00:24,449
There you are.
8
00:00:26,862 --> 00:00:29,028
I've got you now,
you filthy monster.
9
00:00:30,499 --> 00:00:32,332
Huh?
10
00:00:32,334 --> 00:00:33,933
Spare some change?
11
00:00:33,935 --> 00:00:35,201
Damn it!
12
00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:37,003
That beast has slipped
through my grasp
13
00:00:37,005 --> 00:00:38,872
for the last five years.
14
00:00:38,874 --> 00:00:41,461
And you are under arrest
for vagrancy.
15
00:00:41,496 --> 00:00:42,642
Nothing personal.
16
00:00:42,644 --> 00:00:45,178
I just need to take out
my frustration on somebody.
17
00:00:45,180 --> 00:00:47,814
Can I at least ride
inside the car?
18
00:00:47,816 --> 00:00:49,115
Not a chance.
19
00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:50,773
You smell like a kennel,
sweetheart.
20
00:00:56,129 --> 00:00:58,358
Hey, you want to get lunch
after my class?
21
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:00,493
Sure. Where do you
want to eat at?
22
00:01:00,495 --> 00:01:02,095
Where do you want to eat at?
23
00:01:02,097 --> 00:01:03,963
You don't end a sentence
with a preposition.
24
00:01:03,965 --> 00:01:05,598
Again with the grammar.
25
00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:08,001
Why does it matter
so much to you?
26
00:01:08,003 --> 00:01:10,470
I just think it's something
you might want to look at.
27
00:01:10,472 --> 00:01:12,499
I would be happy
to work with you
28
00:01:12,534 --> 00:01:13,673
if you want.
29
00:01:13,675 --> 00:01:16,626
Oh, thanks.
Me consider that.
30
00:01:18,079 --> 00:01:20,547
And it's polite
to use the door.
31
00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:27,153
Uh, teacher,
32
00:01:26,755 --> 00:01:29,389
can dirty lady with breath
of cat food sit in hallway?
33
00:01:29,391 --> 00:01:31,840
Hey, all my students
are entitled
34
00:01:31,875 --> 00:01:33,160
to the same amount of respect.
35
00:01:33,162 --> 00:01:34,728
But she's pooping
on Rick.
36
00:01:35,850 --> 00:01:39,152
An honest mistake.
She can sit next to me.
37
00:01:40,369 --> 00:01:44,918
Hey, class, it's so easy
just to dismiss the homeless
38
00:01:44,953 --> 00:01:47,107
without giving them
a second look.
39
00:01:47,109 --> 00:01:48,842
Mark, it's me, Jaclyn.
40
00:01:48,844 --> 00:01:52,179
We dated junior and senior year
in college.
41
00:01:52,181 --> 00:01:55,248
Jaclyn?
Jaclyn Anderson?
42
00:01:55,250 --> 00:01:57,973
Ha! You had a thing
for hobos!
43
00:01:58,008 --> 00:01:59,619
She wasn't homeless
in college.
44
00:01:59,621 --> 00:02:01,430
She was a Fulbright scholar,
45
00:02:01,465 --> 00:02:03,089
president
of the student government.
46
00:02:03,091 --> 00:02:05,425
She was perfect.
47
00:02:05,427 --> 00:02:08,028
Well, you didn't think so
back then.
48
00:02:08,030 --> 00:02:10,294
He dumped me
because I had a severe allergy
49
00:02:10,329 --> 00:02:12,570
to his favorite food--
Eggs.
50
00:02:12,605 --> 00:02:13,476
Ugh.
51
00:02:13,516 --> 00:02:15,202
You're remembering this
all wrong,
52
00:02:15,204 --> 00:02:18,171
but to be fair,
who is allergic to eggs?
53
00:02:18,173 --> 00:02:20,740
I maintain it was
a psychological block.
54
00:02:20,742 --> 00:02:22,909
I was so depressed
over losing Mark
55
00:02:22,911 --> 00:02:25,078
that I lost my scholarship
and I dropped out,
56
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:26,847
and then my parents disowned me,
57
00:02:26,849 --> 00:02:30,083
and I ended up living
on the streets by the garbage.
58
00:02:30,085 --> 00:02:33,767
Teacher is cold-blooded snake.
59
00:02:33,802 --> 00:02:36,036
Well, looks like
we're out of time for today.
60
00:02:36,071 --> 00:02:37,009
Class dismissed.
61
00:02:37,044 --> 00:02:38,820
We still have 42 minutes.
62
00:02:38,855 --> 00:02:41,708
So glad I gave you that
wristwatch for your birthday.
63
00:02:41,743 --> 00:02:45,028
Could someone drop me
at the ventilation duct
64
00:02:45,063 --> 00:02:46,233
behind whole foods?
65
00:02:46,235 --> 00:02:47,901
The janitor's really nice.
66
00:02:47,903 --> 00:02:50,570
He puts out a bowl
of water for me.
67
00:02:50,572 --> 00:02:52,005
Eh, well,
you can crash with me
68
00:02:52,007 --> 00:02:53,900
until you get back
on your feet.
69
00:02:53,935 --> 00:02:56,769
He's got a hobo fetish,
Jaclyn!
70
00:02:56,804 --> 00:03:00,213
He lays one hand on you,
call me.
71
00:03:00,215 --> 00:03:02,928
Callie, you're not gonna
believe who was in my class...
72
00:03:02,963 --> 00:03:03,216
Um...
73
00:03:03,218 --> 00:03:05,252
Oh, hey, can you give me
a hand?
74
00:03:06,171 --> 00:03:09,823
Why are you and this man
putting clothes on now?
75
00:03:09,825 --> 00:03:11,324
Uh, how rude of me.
76
00:03:11,326 --> 00:03:14,561
Mark, this is...
What's your name?
77
00:03:14,563 --> 00:03:17,097
Whoa, I thought we agreed
no names.
78
00:03:17,099 --> 00:03:18,164
Of course.
79
00:03:18,166 --> 00:03:20,027
What?
80
00:03:20,869 --> 00:03:23,069
- Oh!
- Have a great life.
81
00:03:23,071 --> 00:03:24,771
You had sex with that guy?
82
00:03:24,773 --> 00:03:26,439
Uh, yeah, Mark.
83
00:03:26,441 --> 00:03:29,442
I mean, I am a demon.
I got to have it.
84
00:03:29,444 --> 00:03:31,177
And by it, I mean constant sex
85
00:03:31,179 --> 00:03:33,179
with multiple
anonymous partners.
86
00:03:33,181 --> 00:03:34,681
That's why we're in
an open relationship.
87
00:03:34,683 --> 00:03:37,517
Randall told you to say this,
right?
88
00:03:37,519 --> 00:03:39,052
Is he filming us...
89
00:03:39,054 --> 00:03:41,154
from behind this painting?
Mm.
90
00:03:41,156 --> 00:03:41,965
You're telling me
91
00:03:42,066 --> 00:03:44,190
you don't have any friends
on the side?
92
00:03:44,192 --> 00:03:45,358
Good one.
93
00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,327
Um, no.
I don't.
94
00:03:47,329 --> 00:03:49,229
I'm in a committed relationship.
95
00:03:49,231 --> 00:03:50,430
This isn't normal.
96
00:03:51,433 --> 00:03:53,567
Hey, do you guys validate?
97
00:03:53,569 --> 00:03:54,701
No!
98
00:03:54,703 --> 00:03:56,917
Callie, I got to say,
this really hurts me.
99
00:03:56,986 --> 00:04:00,373
I'm not comfortable sharing
you with half of New York.
100
00:04:00,375 --> 00:04:04,811
Hi, we met at the dog races
yesterday.
101
00:04:05,213 --> 00:04:06,947
You said to come by and...
102
00:04:06,949 --> 00:04:08,815
I'm a demon, Mark.
103
00:04:08,817 --> 00:04:11,217
You're going to have to either
get used to me doing this,
104
00:04:11,219 --> 00:04:14,888
or man up and go make
some friends of your own.
105
00:04:14,890 --> 00:04:17,223
If you're up for it,
that is.
106
00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:23,809
Ugh.
107
00:04:24,099 --> 00:04:25,665
I buy for good friend.
108
00:04:29,905 --> 00:04:31,204
Great Scott!
109
00:04:31,206 --> 00:04:34,341
Tally ho, Commodore's bride!
There's trouble afoot!
110
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:41,114
You really think
I have something to live for?
111
00:04:41,083 --> 00:04:42,082
No!
112
00:04:42,084 --> 00:04:43,083
Ooh!
113
00:04:43,959 --> 00:04:45,585
Don't forget to tuck and roll!
114
00:04:49,724 --> 00:04:51,352
What's your emergency, Mark?
115
00:04:51,387 --> 00:04:53,293
Your fellow men await,
ready to help.
116
00:04:53,295 --> 00:04:56,663
I caught Callie
with another man.
117
00:04:56,665 --> 00:04:58,832
Is no!
118
00:05:00,469 --> 00:05:02,669
Nobody betrays
a man club brother.
119
00:05:02,671 --> 00:05:04,004
Who's the scumbag?
120
00:05:04,006 --> 00:05:05,505
Scumbags.
121
00:05:05,507 --> 00:05:08,040
Callie claims we have
an open relationship,
122
00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:09,009
and get this:
123
00:05:09,011 --> 00:05:13,079
She wants me to have sex
with other women.
124
00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:17,450
Dude, what the fuck's
wrong with you?
125
00:05:17,452 --> 00:05:19,986
Callie just gave you
the greatest gift ever.
126
00:05:19,988 --> 00:05:23,156
You are aware
this is the man club.
127
00:05:23,158 --> 00:05:24,436
So you guys are saying
128
00:05:24,471 --> 00:05:27,293
I should just toss out a full year
of a committed relationship
129
00:05:27,295 --> 00:05:28,938
and sleep with a bunch
of random loose women?
130
00:05:28,973 --> 00:05:29,811
Two points.
131
00:05:29,881 --> 00:05:31,965
One-- You'll need
to slut it up fast
132
00:05:31,967 --> 00:05:35,235
if you want to maintain any
power in your relationship.
133
00:05:35,237 --> 00:05:37,237
Two-- What's Callie's number?
134
00:05:37,239 --> 00:05:38,805
Does she like ethnic guys?
135
00:05:38,807 --> 00:05:40,974
Nobody is getting
Callie's number.
136
00:05:40,976 --> 00:05:42,609
Well, that's it.
137
00:05:42,611 --> 00:05:45,018
I move we adjourn this meeting
of the man's club
138
00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:47,552
with the ceremonial smoking
of cigars.
139
00:05:47,587 --> 00:05:50,006
Pledge!
Cigars, now!
140
00:05:50,041 --> 00:05:51,785
Uh.
Yes.
141
00:05:51,787 --> 00:05:54,621
- Leonard?
- At your service, master Mark.
142
00:05:54,623 --> 00:05:56,706
Who the hell
told you to stand?
143
00:05:56,741 --> 00:05:57,991
Drop and give me
50 boot licks.
144
00:05:59,494 --> 00:06:01,461
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
145
00:06:01,463 --> 00:06:03,663
Page 74, Lilly's rules of order.
146
00:06:03,665 --> 00:06:06,877
The man club repudiates
any form of hazing.
147
00:06:07,703 --> 00:06:09,436
And Leonard just barfed.
148
00:06:09,438 --> 00:06:11,738
It's my fault.
I'll eat it.
149
00:06:11,740 --> 00:06:14,031
The rules--
Of course!
150
00:06:14,066 --> 00:06:15,341
What were we thinking?
151
00:06:15,343 --> 00:06:17,407
Well, we'll knock this off
forthwith.
152
00:06:17,713 --> 00:06:21,414
All in favor of excluding
Lilly from Hell Week, say "Aye."
153
00:06:21,416 --> 00:06:23,049
Aye.
154
00:06:24,318 --> 00:06:26,319
Hello?
Jaclyn?
155
00:06:26,321 --> 00:06:27,831
Are you here?
156
00:06:28,123 --> 00:06:29,656
I didn't know what
you wanted for dinner,
157
00:06:29,658 --> 00:06:31,634
so I just brought friskies.
158
00:06:32,260 --> 00:06:33,526
Hmm?
159
00:06:33,528 --> 00:06:35,295
Oy.
Ooh.
160
00:06:35,297 --> 00:06:38,749
I hope you don't mind
I borrowed your shirt.
161
00:06:38,784 --> 00:06:41,614
You look so human.
162
00:06:41,649 --> 00:06:43,536
I bet you say that
to all the girls.
163
00:06:43,538 --> 00:06:47,440
Yeah, and something
smells delicious.
164
00:06:47,442 --> 00:06:50,751
Egg dogs--
Your favorite.
165
00:06:51,513 --> 00:06:52,846
Wait.
166
00:06:52,848 --> 00:06:55,498
This egg dog has eggs in it.
167
00:06:55,533 --> 00:06:57,968
I'm not allergic
to eggs anymore.
168
00:07:00,289 --> 00:07:01,216
Wha?
169
00:07:01,217 --> 00:07:05,488
Oh, well, you get that,
and I'll get the Uno cards.
170
00:07:05,523 --> 00:07:06,659
You still play, right?
171
00:07:06,661 --> 00:07:09,175
God, do I!
172
00:07:09,331 --> 00:07:12,499
Do you remember when
I laid down a yellow four?
173
00:07:12,501 --> 00:07:15,268
You reversed it,
but then I had--
174
00:07:15,303 --> 00:07:17,537
Callie! Hey!
175
00:07:17,539 --> 00:07:19,572
I feel bad about
how we left things today.
176
00:07:19,574 --> 00:07:23,724
Figured I'd spend some quality
time with my number one friend.
177
00:07:23,759 --> 00:07:27,962
Um, that's great,
but could I get a rain check?
178
00:07:27,997 --> 00:07:30,283
My gout is acting up.
179
00:07:30,285 --> 00:07:32,886
Anyway, I better get
this leg elevated.
180
00:07:32,921 --> 00:07:35,779
Wait, that smells
like candles and egg dogs.
181
00:07:35,814 --> 00:07:37,984
Is someone...
in there?
182
00:07:38,426 --> 00:07:40,193
You ready to get schooled?
183
00:07:40,195 --> 00:07:42,253
I've been practicing.
184
00:07:42,288 --> 00:07:43,663
Eh, that's big talk
from a girl
185
00:07:43,665 --> 00:07:46,517
who's about to get hit
with a wild draw four card.
186
00:07:46,552 --> 00:07:48,017
Ba-b-bam!
187
00:07:48,703 --> 00:07:50,804
He actually found someone?
188
00:07:55,089 --> 00:07:55,708
Did you hear that?
189
00:07:55,710 --> 00:07:58,390
All I hear is the sound of me
saying...
190
00:07:58,425 --> 00:07:59,412
Uno!
191
00:07:59,714 --> 00:08:01,689
Oh, so we're gonna play
real Uno now?
192
00:08:01,724 --> 00:08:03,679
Okay, well, then let's play Uno.
193
00:08:07,466 --> 00:08:09,353
I caught him playing Uno
with a woman.
194
00:08:09,388 --> 00:08:11,625
For Mark, Uno is
like third base.
195
00:08:11,660 --> 00:08:15,037
Nobody betrays
a girls club sister.
196
00:08:15,072 --> 00:08:16,338
Who's the slut?
197
00:08:16,340 --> 00:08:17,672
What did you expect
would happen
198
00:08:17,674 --> 00:08:19,508
when you gave him a free pass?
199
00:08:19,510 --> 00:08:21,042
I never thought
he'd use it.
200
00:08:21,044 --> 00:08:22,711
He doesn't believe
in free passes,
201
00:08:22,713 --> 00:08:24,913
coupons,
or gift certificates.
202
00:08:24,915 --> 00:08:27,923
It's right here in chapter 27
of Lilly's rules to live by.
203
00:08:28,652 --> 00:08:30,752
Ladies, don't forget
to fill up
204
00:08:30,754 --> 00:08:34,091
on Bobby Flay's fig and cheese
crostinis while they're still hot.
205
00:08:34,124 --> 00:08:35,143
Here's a thought.
206
00:08:35,526 --> 00:08:37,272
I kill this bitch
so Mark can go back
207
00:08:37,361 --> 00:08:40,162
to being under my thumb
where he belongs.
208
00:08:40,164 --> 00:08:42,097
I could get banned
from the man club
209
00:08:42,099 --> 00:08:45,834
just for whispering this,
but Mark cares about you.
210
00:08:45,836 --> 00:08:48,926
You two should have an open
an honest discussion.
211
00:08:48,939 --> 00:08:51,635
You're absolutely right,
Twayne.
212
00:08:51,670 --> 00:08:53,861
I need to make
Mark more jealous.
213
00:08:54,778 --> 00:08:56,008
Hello.
214
00:08:56,246 --> 00:08:58,246
Hello, casual sex woman.
215
00:08:58,248 --> 00:09:00,110
You want make baby?
216
00:09:00,117 --> 00:09:01,768
Stop calling me.
217
00:09:03,486 --> 00:09:07,329
Callie, thanks for inviting us
out tonight with your...
218
00:09:07,391 --> 00:09:08,850
uh, friends.
219
00:09:08,892 --> 00:09:10,759
Hey, man.
We're your amigos too.
220
00:09:10,761 --> 00:09:12,194
I'm Matthew McConaughey.
221
00:09:12,196 --> 00:09:15,107
I love people so much,
I had to clone myself.
222
00:09:15,199 --> 00:09:16,833
It's all good.
223
00:09:16,967 --> 00:09:19,734
Aren't they gorgeous?
We met on Facebook.
224
00:09:19,736 --> 00:09:21,068
What's Facebook?
225
00:09:21,238 --> 00:09:23,505
What rock did you pull
this one out from under?
226
00:09:23,507 --> 00:09:26,807
Well, I've lived in a dumpster
for the last four years, so...
227
00:09:26,842 --> 00:09:28,710
A bag lady?
228
00:09:28,712 --> 00:09:30,312
Oh, Mark.
229
00:09:30,314 --> 00:09:31,746
It's kind of adorable
230
00:09:31,748 --> 00:09:33,582
watching her catch up
to the modern world.
231
00:09:33,584 --> 00:09:36,318
Today she Googled Google.
232
00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:38,386
So how did you two connect?
233
00:09:38,388 --> 00:09:39,888
Must have been like fireworks
goin' off.
234
00:09:39,890 --> 00:09:41,089
Boom!
235
00:09:41,519 --> 00:09:43,066
Waiter!
Double scotch.
236
00:09:43,101 --> 00:09:47,195
Actually, Mark and I dated
for 3 and a half semesters in college.
237
00:09:47,197 --> 00:09:49,422
You two dated?
238
00:09:49,499 --> 00:09:50,632
Where's my scotch?
239
00:09:51,935 --> 00:09:55,036
Oh, my God.
It can't be.
240
00:09:55,038 --> 00:09:58,224
He's playing our song.
241
00:09:58,259 --> 00:10:01,117
Who is this?
Buble? Connick Jr?
242
00:10:01,152 --> 00:10:04,112
No, it's literally our song.
243
00:10:04,147 --> 00:10:05,380
We wrote it together.
244
00:10:05,382 --> 00:10:07,315
Kind of a big deal
on college radio.
245
00:10:07,317 --> 00:10:10,634
We used it to win
the ballroom dance challenge.
246
00:10:10,669 --> 00:10:15,657
I'm not sure I remember
the steps, but, uh...
247
00:10:15,659 --> 00:10:16,891
Let's do this.
248
00:10:19,598 --> 00:10:20,060
Oh!
249
00:10:20,110 --> 00:10:22,194
I'm going to seriously lose
my mind.
250
00:10:22,229 --> 00:10:23,331
Uh-oh.
251
00:10:23,333 --> 00:10:24,947
Watch out for this split
infinitives.
252
00:10:24,982 --> 00:10:27,244
We can help you
with that grammar of yours.
253
00:10:28,129 --> 00:10:31,028
I should have brought
Ryan Gosling and his clone.
254
00:10:32,442 --> 00:10:35,944
Pledge, to prove yourself
worthy of joining our ranks,
255
00:10:35,979 --> 00:10:38,346
you must either absorb
our essence
256
00:10:38,348 --> 00:10:40,615
by eating a ball
of our combined pubes
257
00:10:40,617 --> 00:10:42,652
or prove
that you're already great
258
00:10:42,653 --> 00:10:43,932
by catching Brother Doug,
259
00:10:44,354 --> 00:10:47,239
who's been shaved
and covered with lube.
260
00:10:47,291 --> 00:10:48,286
Hm.
261
00:10:48,358 --> 00:10:50,933
I pick the lube bear.
262
00:10:52,229 --> 00:10:53,738
Ah-ah-ah.
Naked.
263
00:10:54,865 --> 00:10:56,298
Let it be done!
264
00:10:57,301 --> 00:10:59,534
Yeah!
Yeah!
265
00:10:59,536 --> 00:11:01,757
Oh, catch that little bastard!
266
00:11:02,873 --> 00:11:03,623
Oh!
267
00:11:04,608 --> 00:11:07,770
Fine, I'll eat the pubic hair.
268
00:11:07,805 --> 00:11:10,302
But can I at least
have some ketchup?
269
00:11:10,347 --> 00:11:12,038
No condiments.
Deal with it.
270
00:11:14,685 --> 00:11:16,518
I had a really fun night,
Mark.
271
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:17,995
Me too.
272
00:11:18,255 --> 00:11:19,521
It makes me wonder why
273
00:11:19,523 --> 00:11:21,431
we ever broke up
in the first place.
274
00:11:21,466 --> 00:11:23,963
I was kind of a jerk
about the egg thing, huh?
275
00:11:23,998 --> 00:11:24,993
Don't say that.
276
00:11:24,995 --> 00:11:26,884
You saw something
wrong with me,
277
00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:29,230
and encouraged me
to fix it.
278
00:11:31,301 --> 00:11:32,890
Whoa.
Wow.
279
00:11:32,925 --> 00:11:34,035
Where did the evening go?
280
00:11:34,037 --> 00:11:35,070
It's almost 9:00.
281
00:11:35,072 --> 00:11:36,972
Oh, your bedtime.
282
00:11:36,973 --> 00:11:40,308
Yeah, bedtime.
The time for bed...
283
00:11:40,310 --> 00:11:41,643
stuff.
284
00:11:43,547 --> 00:11:47,522
That woman fixed herself
for you, Mark Lilly,
285
00:11:47,557 --> 00:11:50,018
and you are in
an open relationship.
286
00:11:50,020 --> 00:11:51,910
What are you gonna do
about it?
287
00:11:52,890 --> 00:11:54,127
Yeah.
288
00:11:55,125 --> 00:11:57,439
Now that I've made myself
worthy of you,
289
00:11:57,494 --> 00:12:00,078
fate has brought us together.
290
00:12:00,113 --> 00:12:02,287
Holy macaroni.
291
00:12:02,766 --> 00:12:05,567
Listen, Jaclyn,
over the past few days,
292
00:12:05,569 --> 00:12:09,404
you've unearthed
some very powerful feelings
293
00:12:09,406 --> 00:12:11,873
that I can't deny anymore.
294
00:12:12,627 --> 00:12:15,301
But I will deny them,
295
00:12:15,312 --> 00:12:17,312
because I need
to free myself up
296
00:12:17,314 --> 00:12:19,914
if there's any hope
of a future for us.
297
00:12:19,916 --> 00:12:22,917
What does that mean,
"free yourself up?"
298
00:12:22,919 --> 00:12:26,187
Here's the thing.
I currently have a girlfriend.
299
00:12:26,189 --> 00:12:27,389
Girlfriend?
300
00:12:27,391 --> 00:12:30,058
Yeah, Callie.
You met her at dinner.
301
00:12:30,060 --> 00:12:32,986
You mean the meat
in the McConaughey sandwich?
302
00:12:33,021 --> 00:12:34,495
That slut?
303
00:12:34,498 --> 00:12:36,364
That's a little harsh,
isn't it?
304
00:12:36,366 --> 00:12:37,932
I slept in the sewers,
305
00:12:37,934 --> 00:12:39,870
dreaming about the life
we could have had together,
306
00:12:39,905 --> 00:12:42,501
- and you end up with her?
- You're not hearing me.
307
00:12:42,536 --> 00:12:44,606
I just need to tie up
some loose ends, and...
308
00:12:51,747 --> 00:12:53,381
Not gonna lie.
309
00:12:53,450 --> 00:12:55,717
This might impact
my decision.
310
00:12:58,955 --> 00:13:00,913
Tell me you got that, pledge.
311
00:13:01,191 --> 00:13:04,208
Yeah, in HD, master Randall.
312
00:13:08,668 --> 00:13:10,269
All these years,
it never occurred to me
313
00:13:10,271 --> 00:13:12,170
that that thing
could be a chick,
314
00:13:12,172 --> 00:13:14,640
and I've always considered
myself a pretty progressive guy.
315
00:13:14,642 --> 00:13:17,342
Mark?
Wherefore art thou, Mark?
316
00:13:17,344 --> 00:13:20,537
I am learning the Queen's
English for you, my love.
317
00:13:20,572 --> 00:13:21,134
Huh?
318
00:13:21,282 --> 00:13:22,770
You're late to the party,
Callie.
319
00:13:22,883 --> 00:13:24,549
Mark's been abducted
by a she-beast.
320
00:13:24,551 --> 00:13:25,485
Mark!
321
00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:29,097
Now I'll never be able to tell
him how I feel in proper syntax.
322
00:13:29,132 --> 00:13:31,708
Not so fast.
We've got another clue.
323
00:13:32,026 --> 00:13:33,385
First rule
of police work:
324
00:13:33,427 --> 00:13:35,174
turds do not lie.
325
00:13:36,996 --> 00:13:39,538
Mm.
I'm tasting pinkberry.
326
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:42,634
Charleston Chew.
Definitely Charleston Chew.
327
00:13:42,636 --> 00:13:43,600
Preposterous!
328
00:13:43,700 --> 00:13:46,951
Pinkberry doesn't offer Charleston
Chew in their toppings buffet.
329
00:13:46,986 --> 00:13:48,140
Everyone knows that.
330
00:13:48,142 --> 00:13:50,313
The Pinkberrys in Chelsea
and the upper east side
331
00:13:50,348 --> 00:13:52,437
have Charleston Chew.
Only two in the city.
332
00:13:53,547 --> 00:13:55,714
I may be a demon,
but I'm also a girl.
333
00:13:55,716 --> 00:13:58,116
I'll stake out uptown,
you take downtown.
334
00:13:58,118 --> 00:13:59,584
Call me if you see anything,
335
00:13:59,586 --> 00:14:02,082
you know, besides thin women
waiting in line.
336
00:14:11,498 --> 00:14:13,865
That really stretched out
my jaw, Jaclyn.
337
00:14:13,867 --> 00:14:14,965
My pleasure!
338
00:14:16,537 --> 00:14:20,939
Pajama jeans have made
my condition more manageable.
339
00:14:20,941 --> 00:14:22,975
How the hell
did this happen to you?
340
00:14:22,977 --> 00:14:26,933
Why, you did this to me,
my love.
341
00:14:28,282 --> 00:14:30,015
I don't know about this, Mark.
342
00:14:30,017 --> 00:14:31,283
I'm scared.
343
00:14:31,285 --> 00:14:34,222
Jaclyn, I want you
to picture us
344
00:14:34,257 --> 00:14:38,123
14 years, 5 months,
and 6 days from now.
345
00:14:38,125 --> 00:14:40,659
We're living on our houseboat
with our children,
346
00:14:40,661 --> 00:14:43,346
Ethan and Desiree.
347
00:14:43,397 --> 00:14:45,597
They're beautiful.
348
00:14:45,599 --> 00:14:46,698
But they're upset.
349
00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:48,567
"Mommy, why can't you have
350
00:14:48,569 --> 00:14:50,902
the most important meal
of the day with us?"
351
00:14:50,904 --> 00:14:56,475
And you say, "Because I'm afraid
of the eggs your father makes,"
352
00:14:56,477 --> 00:14:57,876
and after seeing their parents
353
00:14:57,878 --> 00:14:59,845
pitted against each other
like this,
354
00:14:59,847 --> 00:15:01,688
they turn elsewhere
for a role model:
355
00:15:01,723 --> 00:15:07,075
the street, where they learn
about cocaine and anal sex.
356
00:15:07,154 --> 00:15:08,754
It's guaranteed.
357
00:15:08,756 --> 00:15:10,288
Oh, please stop.
Stop.
358
00:15:10,290 --> 00:15:11,423
I'll do it.
359
00:15:11,425 --> 00:15:13,458
I'll conquer my allergy.
360
00:15:13,460 --> 00:15:15,039
That's my girl.
361
00:15:17,867 --> 00:15:19,831
Throat's--
My throat's closing up.
362
00:15:19,833 --> 00:15:21,466
No.
No, no, no.
363
00:15:21,468 --> 00:15:23,335
Don't you dare
blame the eggs for this.
364
00:15:23,337 --> 00:15:25,871
Relationship anxiety
is what's closing your throat.
365
00:15:25,873 --> 00:15:28,431
Now, do you want to fight
for Mark and Jackie,
366
00:15:28,509 --> 00:15:29,908
or do you want to go
to the hospital?
367
00:15:29,910 --> 00:15:31,410
Hospital.
368
00:15:31,412 --> 00:15:33,211
Ho-hospital.
369
00:15:35,049 --> 00:15:37,315
We got to get her
into surgery right away.
370
00:15:37,317 --> 00:15:39,217
Call me next weekend?
371
00:15:39,219 --> 00:15:43,894
I'll try, but I just think
I feel my gout flaring up.
372
00:15:44,258 --> 00:15:46,391
Determined
to win you back,
373
00:15:46,393 --> 00:15:49,020
I switched majors to eggology.
374
00:15:50,597 --> 00:15:53,827
I risked my life
to discover a cure
375
00:15:53,862 --> 00:15:57,269
just so we could be
together again.
376
00:15:57,771 --> 00:16:00,775
But my success had a cost.
377
00:16:00,810 --> 00:16:03,747
That potion turned me into her,
378
00:16:03,977 --> 00:16:07,020
the egg-tolerant monster
you'd never love.
379
00:16:07,214 --> 00:16:09,726
I was a danger to everyone
above ground,
380
00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:11,583
so I moved
to the subway tunnel
381
00:16:11,585 --> 00:16:15,417
only venturing out to nurse
my wounded heart with T.C.B.Y,
382
00:16:15,656 --> 00:16:18,757
but that was before Pinkberry,
which changed every girl's life.
383
00:16:18,759 --> 00:16:21,234
Just 100 calories,
and the best part?
384
00:16:21,269 --> 00:16:22,497
It's all natural.
385
00:16:22,532 --> 00:16:25,367
Yeah, if you consider
propylene glycol, tocopherol,
386
00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:26,932
and calcium fumarate "natural."
387
00:16:26,934 --> 00:16:29,272
The Times blew the lid
off of Pinkberry.
388
00:16:29,307 --> 00:16:31,952
- I'll send you the article.
- That's not true.
389
00:16:32,072 --> 00:16:34,806
Pinkberry wouldn't lie to me!
390
00:16:34,808 --> 00:16:36,408
Hey, I'm sorry.
391
00:16:36,410 --> 00:16:39,111
I can't tell you
how sorry I am.
392
00:16:39,113 --> 00:16:42,019
I should never have tried
to change you
393
00:16:42,054 --> 00:16:43,448
or discredit Pinkberry.
394
00:16:43,450 --> 00:16:46,785
Oh, my sweet, sweet Mark.
395
00:16:46,787 --> 00:16:50,122
I've waited so many years
to hear those words.
396
00:16:50,124 --> 00:16:52,420
Quick, undo my chains
before I say something
397
00:16:52,455 --> 00:16:54,684
to activate
that stupid monster again.
398
00:16:54,719 --> 00:16:58,243
That monster
is like a sister to me.
399
00:16:58,278 --> 00:17:01,658
She's the only one
who understands the pain
400
00:17:01,693 --> 00:17:02,968
you've put me through.
401
00:17:02,970 --> 00:17:05,003
You don't have to live
like this.
402
00:17:05,005 --> 00:17:06,071
We can fix you.
403
00:17:06,073 --> 00:17:08,257
You want to fix me again?
404
00:17:08,292 --> 00:17:11,088
I'll never be good enough
for you!
405
00:17:14,581 --> 00:17:16,448
Help!
406
00:17:16,450 --> 00:17:18,216
Help me!
407
00:17:18,218 --> 00:17:20,352
Yell all you want, big boy.
408
00:17:20,354 --> 00:17:22,673
Nobody can hear you
down here.
409
00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:26,886
Besides, you might want to save
your screaming for later.
410
00:17:27,361 --> 00:17:28,927
Oh, dear cricket.
411
00:17:28,929 --> 00:17:31,163
But first, Pinkberry.
412
00:17:31,165 --> 00:17:35,886
And I'll have you, my sweet,
for dessert!
413
00:17:36,303 --> 00:17:38,859
Good Lord. She's mad.
414
00:17:39,273 --> 00:17:41,316
She doesn't even consider
Pinkberry dessert.
415
00:17:43,210 --> 00:17:46,778
So I hear your vag is open
for business.
416
00:17:46,780 --> 00:17:48,401
Shut up.
417
00:17:53,085 --> 00:17:54,653
We better hurry.
418
00:17:54,655 --> 00:17:56,354
That line's moving pretty fast.
419
00:17:56,356 --> 00:17:58,654
- Hey, shouldn't we call Grimes?
- No way.
420
00:17:58,859 --> 00:18:00,559
Mark's my man,
421
00:18:00,561 --> 00:18:02,727
and I'm gonna be the one
who saves him.
422
00:18:02,729 --> 00:18:04,329
And if Mark dies,
423
00:18:04,331 --> 00:18:07,390
someone's gonna need a shoulder
to have sex on.
424
00:18:12,311 --> 00:18:14,878
Jaclyn, please,
listen to reason.
425
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:17,824
I don't want Ethan and Desiree
to grow up down here.
426
00:18:17,859 --> 00:18:20,587
Come on, Callie,
what's the big deal?
427
00:18:20,622 --> 00:18:21,985
Mark doesn't even
have to know.
428
00:18:21,987 --> 00:18:23,593
- Randall?
- Mark!
429
00:18:23,628 --> 00:18:24,955
Thank hell you're alive.
430
00:18:24,957 --> 00:18:27,799
I am so sorry
that I drove you into her arms
431
00:18:27,834 --> 00:18:29,893
with my poor grammar
and promiscuity.
432
00:18:29,895 --> 00:18:33,343
Callie, I can't tell if
you're being sarcastic or not,
433
00:18:33,378 --> 00:18:35,046
but let's deal
with this later.
434
00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:36,408
We have to get out of here.
435
00:18:36,443 --> 00:18:39,323
No one's leaving
this evil lair alive,
436
00:18:39,505 --> 00:18:41,905
especially not you, tramp.
437
00:18:41,907 --> 00:18:43,473
Go all demon on her, baby.
438
00:18:43,475 --> 00:18:45,008
Uh-uh.
439
00:18:45,010 --> 00:18:47,007
Being demon's
what caused me to start
440
00:18:47,042 --> 00:18:49,398
this whole open relationship
thing in the first place.
441
00:18:49,433 --> 00:18:51,848
I'm fighting for you
just like this.
442
00:18:51,850 --> 00:18:54,620
Oh, that's really sweet...
443
00:18:54,820 --> 00:18:56,319
and colossally stupid.
444
00:18:58,824 --> 00:19:00,090
Jaclyn, stop!
445
00:19:00,092 --> 00:19:02,325
Just leave Callie alone!
446
00:19:02,327 --> 00:19:04,989
Get away from her, you bitch!
447
00:19:04,997 --> 00:19:06,997
What the hell are you wearing?
448
00:19:06,999 --> 00:19:09,666
It's a monster fighting suit.
I designed it myself.
449
00:19:09,668 --> 00:19:11,699
Why did you make it so small?
450
00:19:11,734 --> 00:19:14,361
The low center of gravity
gives me the upper hand.
451
00:19:14,396 --> 00:19:15,505
God.
452
00:19:15,507 --> 00:19:19,691
I knew this day
would finally come, Grimes.
453
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:21,344
Now eat my toe cheese!
454
00:19:31,523 --> 00:19:33,690
I told you
about my center of gravity.
455
00:19:33,692 --> 00:19:34,958
Can't be beat.
456
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,471
I studied eggology,
not physics.
457
00:19:37,506 --> 00:19:38,737
I'm not a dork.
458
00:19:38,772 --> 00:19:42,112
For five years, I chased
you across this island,
459
00:19:42,147 --> 00:19:44,134
tasted your sweet, sweet dung.
460
00:19:44,136 --> 00:19:46,102
I can't believe it's all over.
461
00:19:46,104 --> 00:19:50,570
Nobody's ever cared enough
about me to taste my dung.
462
00:19:50,605 --> 00:19:53,209
My life would be empty
without you to chase.
463
00:19:54,312 --> 00:19:56,580
Five-minute head start?
464
00:19:56,582 --> 00:19:57,736
You're on!
465
00:19:59,685 --> 00:20:00,750
Callie.
466
00:20:00,752 --> 00:20:03,170
Are you proud of me, Mark?
467
00:20:03,188 --> 00:20:05,455
You see, I can change.
468
00:20:05,457 --> 00:20:08,291
Callie, I am so sorry.
469
00:20:08,293 --> 00:20:11,061
I've hurt every girl I've dated
by trying to fix them,
470
00:20:11,063 --> 00:20:14,564
but I fell for you
just the way you are.
471
00:20:14,566 --> 00:20:16,032
You don't need fixing.
472
00:20:16,034 --> 00:20:17,767
You're perfect.
473
00:20:17,769 --> 00:20:20,103
So you're cool with me
fucking whoever I want?
474
00:20:20,105 --> 00:20:22,343
Is that really
what I'm saying?
475
00:20:22,378 --> 00:20:23,641
It sure is.
476
00:20:24,209 --> 00:20:29,236
The word commitment doesn't
have to be a scary thing.
477
00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:31,848
I don't know how
you survived your hell weeks.
478
00:20:31,850 --> 00:20:33,821
None of us had to do that,
dude.
479
00:20:33,856 --> 00:20:35,092
It's against the rules.
480
00:20:35,127 --> 00:20:39,003
Sometimes commitment is
simply an exchange of promises.
481
00:20:39,038 --> 00:20:40,724
Marco!
482
00:20:40,726 --> 00:20:42,025
Polo!
483
00:20:42,027 --> 00:20:43,560
But for me,
484
00:20:43,562 --> 00:20:47,297
commitment is something
I take when I can get it.
485
00:20:47,299 --> 00:20:48,299
Uno!
486
00:20:49,055 --> 00:20:50,233
Mm.
487
00:20:50,235 --> 00:20:51,668
Hold that thought.
488
00:20:52,281 --> 00:20:52,801
Huh?
489
00:20:52,836 --> 00:20:54,404
- Is Callie home?
- Is here for Callie.
490
00:20:54,439 --> 00:20:55,505
Who wants a fish stick?
491
00:20:55,507 --> 00:20:57,240
Uh, not interested.
492
00:20:57,242 --> 00:20:59,333
Just because I got to have it
493
00:20:59,368 --> 00:21:01,572
doesn't mean
I don't have standards.
494
00:21:01,647 --> 00:21:03,013
Mm-magic!