1
00:00:02,633 --> 00:00:04,724
They say that you'll never be bored
2
00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:07,865
if you're treating
life as an adventure.
3
00:00:17,506 --> 00:00:18,392
Ha!
4
00:00:20,608 --> 00:00:22,097
Oo-ah!
5
00:00:25,358 --> 00:00:28,028
On the other hand,
you'll also probably die
6
00:00:28,030 --> 00:00:29,196
quite a bit sooner.
7
00:00:41,654 --> 00:00:42,755
Mummy.
8
00:00:42,757 --> 00:00:44,425
You're awake!
9
00:00:44,427 --> 00:00:46,495
You're looking as radiant
as the day you died.
10
00:00:46,497 --> 00:00:50,235
Son, I have risen from the dead
11
00:00:50,237 --> 00:00:52,741
to deliver a message.
12
00:00:52,743 --> 00:00:55,279
Your toupee looks like
my bush in the '70s.
13
00:00:55,281 --> 00:00:56,681
But that's why I thought you'd like it!
14
00:00:56,683 --> 00:00:58,317
Gah!
15
00:00:58,319 --> 00:01:03,282
Sync by mczolly
www.addic7ed.com
16
00:01:03,662 --> 00:01:06,532
Doesn't today feel wonderful,
17
00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:10,373
like a rainbow wrapped
in a screaming orgasm?
18
00:01:10,375 --> 00:01:12,276
That's an interesting metaphor.
19
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But you're right.
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It is a big day.
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A very important day,
22
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a day for celebrating
23
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with an egg-cano!
24
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Wow, an egg-cano.
25
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You went all out.
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00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:26,002
Look out.
27
00:01:26,004 --> 00:01:28,607
The egg-cano is erupting again.
28
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"Oh, God, egg-cano
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"where no one expected,
in the heart of New York!
30
00:01:32,617 --> 00:01:34,017
Ooh, look out, Anne Heche!"
31
00:01:34,019 --> 00:01:35,119
Hi, Toby.
32
00:01:35,121 --> 00:01:36,188
What's going on?
33
00:01:36,190 --> 00:01:38,492
Mark, how much is... The bus?
34
00:01:38,494 --> 00:01:39,928
How much was it yesterday?
35
00:01:39,930 --> 00:01:41,330
$1.50.
36
00:01:41,332 --> 00:01:43,201
So how much do you think
37
00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:44,537
it will be today?
38
00:01:44,539 --> 00:01:45,839
I don't know.
39
00:01:45,841 --> 00:01:47,008
I want you to figure this out
40
00:01:47,010 --> 00:01:48,076
on your own, Toby.
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00:01:48,078 --> 00:01:49,112
I'll see you in class.
42
00:01:49,114 --> 00:01:50,314
Don't forget your present.
43
00:01:50,316 --> 00:01:51,883
You know how important today is to me.
44
00:01:51,885 --> 00:01:52,952
Wait, Mark.
45
00:01:52,954 --> 00:01:54,021
The bus is coming.
46
00:01:54,023 --> 00:01:55,123
Mark.
47
00:01:55,125 --> 00:01:56,927
Ooh, did you say "present"?
48
00:01:56,929 --> 00:01:58,196
Who could that be for?
49
00:01:58,198 --> 00:01:59,631
Oh, wouldn't you like to know.
50
00:01:59,633 --> 00:02:01,000
It's a surprise.
51
00:02:01,002 --> 00:02:02,904
And it would mean everything to me
52
00:02:02,906 --> 00:02:05,776
if you would be there
at 1:00 P.M. sharp.
53
00:02:05,778 --> 00:02:07,980
Oh, should I bring my camera?
54
00:02:07,982 --> 00:02:09,851
I was just thinking that.
55
00:02:09,853 --> 00:02:12,990
We are gonna want to remember this day.
56
00:02:12,992 --> 00:02:15,661
He can have the rest for lunch.
57
00:02:15,663 --> 00:02:17,497
I holstered my gun.
58
00:02:17,499 --> 00:02:18,968
We disposed of the body.
59
00:02:18,970 --> 00:02:20,136
That concludes the minutes
60
00:02:20,138 --> 00:02:21,172
from last week's meeting.
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00:02:21,174 --> 00:02:22,407
On to new business.
62
00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:24,310
Gah!
63
00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:27,683
Last night my mother, a mummy,
awoke from the dead.
64
00:02:27,685 --> 00:02:29,119
I know. It's unbelievable.
65
00:02:29,121 --> 00:02:30,890
Ahh!
66
00:02:30,892 --> 00:02:33,862
Mother was always disappointed
with my lack of ambition.
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00:02:33,864 --> 00:02:36,065
She died thinking I was a failure.
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00:02:36,067 --> 00:02:37,435
So during her visit,
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00:02:37,437 --> 00:02:38,938
we're going to trick her
70
00:02:38,940 --> 00:02:40,774
into believing I'm running the d.O.I.,
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00:02:40,776 --> 00:02:42,511
that Leonard is my manservant,
72
00:02:42,513 --> 00:02:45,450
and that Callie is my beautiful
but icy and distant wife.
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00:02:45,452 --> 00:02:48,622
If you think I'm sleeping with you...
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00:02:48,624 --> 00:02:50,192
In exchange for your cooperation,
75
00:02:50,194 --> 00:02:51,929
I want you to open the
box beneath your seat
76
00:02:51,931 --> 00:02:53,531
and keep what's inside.
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00:02:53,533 --> 00:02:56,003
It's like Oprah's favorite things!
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00:02:56,005 --> 00:02:58,274
That's a priceless artifact
79
00:02:58,276 --> 00:03:00,044
that's been in our
family for centuries.
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00:03:00,046 --> 00:03:02,214
You can sell it and buy
yourself a decent skirt
81
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,550
that goes all the way to the floor.
82
00:03:03,552 --> 00:03:05,153
Sex is back on the table.
83
00:03:05,155 --> 00:03:07,157
The world's oldest whiskey.
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00:03:07,159 --> 00:03:08,559
It's not for drinking, of course.
85
00:03:10,398 --> 00:03:12,367
Sa-mooth!
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00:03:12,369 --> 00:03:14,303
There's nothing here.
87
00:03:14,305 --> 00:03:16,174
Wait, is it a car?
88
00:03:16,176 --> 00:03:20,081
Show me a Pontiac aztec, Oprah!
89
00:03:21,586 --> 00:03:24,122
They don't make that model anymore.
90
00:03:24,124 --> 00:03:25,624
We're all agreed he's a horrible liar.
91
00:03:25,626 --> 00:03:27,628
We'll store him in the
closet for the day.
92
00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:32,137
Shh, shh.
93
00:03:32,139 --> 00:03:33,506
Surprise!
94
00:03:33,508 --> 00:03:34,475
Sorry I'm late. Got the camera.
95
00:03:34,477 --> 00:03:36,277
Brought some oxycontin too.
96
00:03:36,279 --> 00:03:38,181
Figured we'd just get weird
and see what happens.
97
00:03:38,183 --> 00:03:40,152
Ahhh, sorry folks. False alarm.
98
00:03:40,154 --> 00:03:41,454
Forgot Randall was coming.
99
00:03:41,456 --> 00:03:42,556
Forgot?
100
00:03:42,558 --> 00:03:44,292
What's going on?
101
00:03:44,294 --> 00:03:46,230
It's a surprise party
for Doug's birthday.
102
00:03:46,232 --> 00:03:48,634
Thanks for taking pictures.
103
00:03:48,636 --> 00:03:49,669
So this isn't for me?
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Of course not.
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00:03:50,673 --> 00:03:52,007
Go stand in the corner
106
00:03:52,009 --> 00:03:53,743
and make sure you get
107
00:03:53,745 --> 00:03:55,781
Doug's delighted expression
when he walks in.
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Surprise!
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00:03:59,389 --> 00:04:01,224
Get him off! So sharp! Get him off!
110
00:04:02,395 --> 00:04:03,762
Happy Birthday, Doug.
111
00:04:04,932 --> 00:04:07,335
Happy Birthday, Mr. Teddy Bear.
112
00:04:07,337 --> 00:04:09,973
I'll see you at home when
you're done with work.
113
00:04:09,975 --> 00:04:11,644
Randall, what is wrong?
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00:04:11,646 --> 00:04:14,015
If something is bothering you,
I want to--
115
00:04:14,017 --> 00:04:15,717
hope you like your
eggs over-ass[Bleep].
116
00:04:15,719 --> 00:04:16,986
Ugh.
117
00:04:16,988 --> 00:04:18,155
Food is the fight!
118
00:04:18,157 --> 00:04:20,126
Yah!
119
00:04:20,128 --> 00:04:23,833
Guh. I'm diabetic.
120
00:04:23,835 --> 00:04:25,302
Oh, quick.
121
00:04:25,304 --> 00:04:26,905
Someone run Erik's Insulin program!
122
00:04:26,907 --> 00:04:30,112
Oh, no! You got icing
all over my pastie.
123
00:04:30,114 --> 00:04:31,681
Mm-hmm.
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00:04:31,683 --> 00:04:34,519
Mummy! Welcome.
125
00:04:34,521 --> 00:04:37,892
This is where I do my
important bossifying.
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00:04:37,894 --> 00:04:40,564
Ah, the heads I've lopped
off from behind this desk.
127
00:04:40,566 --> 00:04:43,936
Your son is a cruel employer, madame.
128
00:04:43,938 --> 00:04:46,408
Lick my boot, you pathetic worm.
129
00:04:46,410 --> 00:04:47,911
Ahh!
130
00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:50,282
And my lovely though cold wife, Callie.
131
00:04:50,284 --> 00:04:52,720
You'll notice her breasts
are engorged with milk.
132
00:04:52,722 --> 00:04:54,824
This happens in the first trimester.
133
00:04:54,826 --> 00:04:56,260
You're going to be a grand-mummy.
134
00:04:56,262 --> 00:04:57,529
What?
135
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:00,267
She's not pregnant.
136
00:05:00,269 --> 00:05:01,470
She's fat.
137
00:05:01,472 --> 00:05:02,805
Is she a beard?
138
00:05:02,807 --> 00:05:04,475
Don't be ridiculous, mummy.
139
00:05:04,477 --> 00:05:07,514
The missus and I are like a
couple of horny teenagers.
140
00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:08,416
Let's give 'em a show, tits.
141
00:05:08,418 --> 00:05:12,390
Mm, mm.
142
00:05:12,392 --> 00:05:14,460
Pathetic. That's no way to kiss a man.
143
00:05:14,462 --> 00:05:16,831
Ahh!
144
00:05:20,005 --> 00:05:22,642
Did you catch my tongue work?
145
00:05:22,644 --> 00:05:25,447
You have to really thrash
around in my boy's mouth
146
00:05:25,449 --> 00:05:27,518
to hold his attention.
147
00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:30,924
And meet Twayne,
148
00:05:30,926 --> 00:05:32,760
the mental deficient I keep on hand
149
00:05:32,762 --> 00:05:33,796
for entertainment.
150
00:05:33,798 --> 00:05:35,199
Dance, freak!
151
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:37,704
I've seen enough.
152
00:05:37,706 --> 00:05:39,306
You're a disgrace.
153
00:05:39,308 --> 00:05:41,744
Look at the dregs you
surround yourself with.
154
00:05:41,746 --> 00:05:43,348
But mummy's back.
155
00:05:43,350 --> 00:05:45,084
And from now on,
she'll be running your life,
156
00:05:45,086 --> 00:05:46,854
since you clearly can't
do it for yourself.
157
00:05:46,856 --> 00:05:48,323
Come, gimp.
158
00:05:48,325 --> 00:05:50,728
To the nearest cocktail lounge!
159
00:05:50,730 --> 00:05:52,063
Heyah!
160
00:05:52,065 --> 00:05:53,867
Wow, that was some birthday party.
161
00:05:53,869 --> 00:05:56,505
Doug can really rage.
162
00:06:01,215 --> 00:06:04,720
Randall, are you okay?
163
00:06:04,722 --> 00:06:06,991
Um, what is with the cupcake?
164
00:06:06,993 --> 00:06:09,195
It's our one-year anniversary
of moving in together.
165
00:06:09,197 --> 00:06:10,598
And you forgot.
166
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:12,100
Oh, is that a thing?
167
00:06:12,102 --> 00:06:14,471
Every roommate couple
I know celebrates it.
168
00:06:14,473 --> 00:06:16,008
I'm sorry.
169
00:06:16,010 --> 00:06:17,944
I've been caught up with work lately.
170
00:06:17,946 --> 00:06:19,415
Not "lately." All the time.
171
00:06:19,417 --> 00:06:21,184
All day long you're with class.
172
00:06:21,186 --> 00:06:22,687
All night long you're with Callie.
173
00:06:22,689 --> 00:06:24,257
You're not roommates with me.
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00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:25,526
You're roommates with work.
175
00:06:25,528 --> 00:06:27,295
How can you say that?
176
00:06:27,297 --> 00:06:29,032
There is no one I'd rather live with.
177
00:06:29,034 --> 00:06:30,635
How would you know?
178
00:06:30,637 --> 00:06:33,274
You might have detailed
files on Doug and Toby,
179
00:06:33,276 --> 00:06:35,077
but you don't know the
first thing about me.
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00:06:35,079 --> 00:06:36,412
Quick, how do I wear my pubes?
181
00:06:36,414 --> 00:06:37,448
Shave, trim, or full bush?
182
00:06:37,450 --> 00:06:39,050
No idea.
183
00:06:39,052 --> 00:06:42,256
But I do know your
favorite color is purple.
184
00:06:42,258 --> 00:06:43,492
Green!
185
00:06:43,494 --> 00:06:45,162
I rest my case.
186
00:06:45,164 --> 00:06:47,099
And for the record,
I have a kid 'n play:
187
00:06:47,101 --> 00:06:48,802
Kid on top, play on the bottom.
188
00:06:48,804 --> 00:06:50,338
But I guess you don't remember that,
189
00:06:50,340 --> 00:06:52,342
even though I wake you
up every day to show you.
190
00:06:52,344 --> 00:06:53,678
I hear what you're saying.
191
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:55,482
And I promise I will
be a better roommate
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00:06:55,484 --> 00:06:56,751
in year two.
193
00:06:56,753 --> 00:06:59,188
Now let's sign that new lease.
194
00:06:59,190 --> 00:07:00,657
Oh!
195
00:07:00,659 --> 00:07:02,260
I think maybe it would be best
196
00:07:02,262 --> 00:07:03,930
if we went month to month
for a little while.
197
00:07:03,932 --> 00:07:05,433
Listen, let me make it up to you.
198
00:07:05,435 --> 00:07:07,504
I'll take a personal day tomorrow,
199
00:07:07,506 --> 00:07:10,877
and I will devote it to getting
to know my roommate better.
200
00:07:10,879 --> 00:07:12,045
Is that a promise?
201
00:07:12,047 --> 00:07:13,348
Promise.
202
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:16,821
Now it is way past my 9:00 bedtime,
203
00:07:16,823 --> 00:07:18,792
so I need to hit the hay.
204
00:07:20,963 --> 00:07:22,532
Beep beep!
205
00:07:22,534 --> 00:07:23,834
Wake up, roomie!
206
00:07:23,836 --> 00:07:25,069
It's tomorrow.
207
00:07:26,782 --> 00:07:28,749
Up next on roommate day,
208
00:07:28,751 --> 00:07:31,218
the world-famous
zomfield dream theater.
209
00:07:31,714 --> 00:07:34,754
Zombies come here from
all over the world
210
00:07:34,756 --> 00:07:36,827
to watch performances
of dreams they remember
211
00:07:36,829 --> 00:07:38,498
from when they were human.
212
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,504
We're sneaking in the back.
213
00:07:40,506 --> 00:07:42,844
I am not at all comfortable with this.
214
00:07:42,846 --> 00:07:44,683
You know how I feel about stealing.
215
00:07:44,685 --> 00:07:47,859
This looks oddly familiar.
216
00:07:47,861 --> 00:07:49,697
Okay, class.
217
00:07:49,699 --> 00:07:51,535
Today we're gonna talk
about the size of my penis
218
00:07:51,537 --> 00:07:53,408
while I hand out my teeth.
219
00:07:53,410 --> 00:07:57,052
Teacher fit nicely in palm of hand.
220
00:07:57,054 --> 00:07:58,288
What is going on?
221
00:07:58,290 --> 00:07:59,626
This is my exact dream.
222
00:07:59,628 --> 00:08:00,796
This is wonderful.
223
00:08:00,798 --> 00:08:03,905
I, Mark Lilly, am flying.
224
00:08:03,907 --> 00:08:05,844
Flying! Here's the thing.
225
00:08:05,846 --> 00:08:08,151
I've been selling excerpts
of your dream journal.
226
00:08:08,153 --> 00:08:11,193
What? That is a massive
violation of my privacy.
227
00:08:11,195 --> 00:08:14,034
Excuse me. May I see your tickets?
228
00:08:14,036 --> 00:08:15,237
Oh, yeah, no problem.
I got 'em right here.
229
00:08:15,239 --> 00:08:17,243
Fire! Fire!
230
00:08:22,828 --> 00:08:24,565
Francis, you and your
231
00:08:24,567 --> 00:08:26,804
circus freak entourage
don't have an appointment.
232
00:08:26,806 --> 00:08:28,977
Now go fetch my bag balm
233
00:08:28,979 --> 00:08:30,047
and massage mummy's thighs.
234
00:08:30,049 --> 00:08:31,518
Yes, mummy.
235
00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:32,855
Mrs. Grimes.
236
00:08:32,857 --> 00:08:36,533
Your son has something to tell you.
237
00:08:36,535 --> 00:08:38,806
Mummy, I lied to you.
238
00:08:38,808 --> 00:08:40,745
I wasn't running the D.O.I.
239
00:08:40,747 --> 00:08:43,921
This isn't my manservant,
and she isn't my wife.
240
00:08:43,923 --> 00:08:45,659
I'd never [Bleep] Someone like that.
241
00:08:45,661 --> 00:08:48,433
I'm just the lowly
head of security here.
242
00:08:48,435 --> 00:08:49,904
But I like my life.
243
00:08:49,906 --> 00:08:52,044
It fits me like an itchy
Christmas sweater.
244
00:08:52,046 --> 00:08:53,548
Can't you be happy for me?
245
00:08:53,550 --> 00:08:57,459
Francis, I'm so sorry...
246
00:08:57,461 --> 00:08:58,797
Oh, boy.
247
00:08:58,799 --> 00:09:00,669
This--this a real Oprah moment.
248
00:09:00,671 --> 00:09:04,146
Sorry that you went so
soft while I was gone.
249
00:09:04,148 --> 00:09:05,249
You need some discipline.
250
00:09:05,251 --> 00:09:06,585
Aw!
251
00:09:06,587 --> 00:09:08,758
Your bottom is completely unshaven.
252
00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:10,263
Are you even feeling this
253
00:09:10,265 --> 00:09:11,634
through this butt jungle of yours?
254
00:09:11,636 --> 00:09:13,439
Mummy, your reign of guilt
255
00:09:13,441 --> 00:09:17,049
and inappropriate touching
my bathing suit area is over.
256
00:09:19,525 --> 00:09:21,663
Grimes, you did it.
257
00:09:21,665 --> 00:09:23,802
You killed your mother.
258
00:09:23,804 --> 00:09:27,680
I don't think so.
259
00:09:27,682 --> 00:09:31,592
Feel my motherly wrath!
260
00:09:31,594 --> 00:09:35,336
I summon the army of my ancestors
261
00:09:35,338 --> 00:09:39,581
to teach my son a lesson.
262
00:09:43,796 --> 00:09:46,368
What are we doing at the today show?
263
00:09:46,370 --> 00:09:48,507
And why did you insist
I dress like this?
264
00:09:48,509 --> 00:09:50,045
It's always been a
personal goal of mine
265
00:09:50,047 --> 00:09:51,148
to appear on the today show.
266
00:09:51,150 --> 00:09:52,820
Huh?
267
00:09:52,822 --> 00:09:54,959
And they always talk to
veterans and their nurses.
268
00:09:54,961 --> 00:09:56,897
But I'm not a veteran.
269
00:09:56,899 --> 00:09:59,371
Hey, man, if you don't want to help me,
I totally get it.
270
00:09:59,373 --> 00:10:01,177
I mean, it's not like
I'm a floating brain
271
00:10:01,179 --> 00:10:02,514
with a fear of heights
272
00:10:02,516 --> 00:10:03,650
or a fish-man who can't swim.
273
00:10:03,652 --> 00:10:04,921
No, I want to help.
274
00:10:04,923 --> 00:10:07,796
This just seems a little weird.
275
00:10:07,798 --> 00:10:09,300
Hello, soldier.
276
00:10:09,302 --> 00:10:11,273
Private lauer here,
277
00:10:11,275 --> 00:10:13,479
thanking you for your service.
278
00:10:13,481 --> 00:10:16,220
Tell us about how you
lost the use of your legs.
279
00:10:16,222 --> 00:10:17,791
Don't ruin my dream.
280
00:10:17,793 --> 00:10:21,669
Well, private lauer,
I was serving in country.
281
00:10:21,671 --> 00:10:26,249
And, yep, got injured when
Charlie just opened fire,
282
00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:27,252
opened up the fire.
283
00:10:27,254 --> 00:10:29,057
It was bad.
284
00:10:29,059 --> 00:10:31,331
Well, his caregiver has a
lot of war stories himself.
285
00:10:31,333 --> 00:10:34,507
I mean, his catheter alone,
talk about a quagmire.
286
00:10:34,509 --> 00:10:35,910
I mean, talk about,
287
00:10:35,912 --> 00:10:37,448
"we should have pulled out a year ago."
288
00:10:37,450 --> 00:10:38,585
Back off, pal.
289
00:10:38,587 --> 00:10:40,056
This is his moment.
290
00:10:40,058 --> 00:10:42,630
Just look into that camera right there
291
00:10:42,632 --> 00:10:47,277
and say, "we'll be right
back after these messages."
292
00:10:47,279 --> 00:10:48,447
That's my line!
293
00:10:48,449 --> 00:10:50,185
This man is a fraud.
294
00:10:50,187 --> 00:10:52,091
He dressed like a vet to get on the tv.
295
00:10:52,093 --> 00:10:54,530
I'm ashamed to know him.
296
00:10:54,532 --> 00:10:55,901
You traitor!
297
00:10:55,903 --> 00:10:58,576
I hate myself for believing in you!
298
00:10:58,578 --> 00:11:00,080
Ahh!
299
00:11:00,082 --> 00:11:02,453
How did you know he was faking?
300
00:11:02,455 --> 00:11:05,329
I can spot a true patriot
from a mile away.
301
00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:07,067
We'll be right back
after these messages.
302
00:11:07,069 --> 00:11:08,906
Oh, my God, I have to call my parents
303
00:11:08,908 --> 00:11:10,944
and tell them I finally got on the tv.
304
00:11:10,946 --> 00:11:13,787
Yeah, I know my mother
is gonna be real proud.
305
00:11:13,789 --> 00:11:15,591
After we're good and loaded,
306
00:11:15,593 --> 00:11:17,965
we'll go on the subway and
just lick random people
307
00:11:17,967 --> 00:11:19,470
until they pay us to stop.
308
00:11:19,472 --> 00:11:21,943
I made like 30 bucks
doing it last Tuesday.
309
00:11:21,945 --> 00:11:24,016
But this one guy, like, really liked it
310
00:11:24,018 --> 00:11:25,554
and wanted me to not stop.
311
00:11:25,556 --> 00:11:27,526
And I was like, "well,
I'm stopping then,
312
00:11:27,528 --> 00:11:28,663
'cause that's not why
I'm in this, you know?"
313
00:11:28,665 --> 00:11:29,866
That's one idea.
314
00:11:29,868 --> 00:11:32,039
Or we could do something right here
315
00:11:32,041 --> 00:11:33,577
to get to know each other better.
316
00:11:33,579 --> 00:11:34,814
There's a role-playing exercise
317
00:11:34,816 --> 00:11:36,184
I normally do with married couples
318
00:11:36,186 --> 00:11:37,187
that might be fun.
319
00:11:37,189 --> 00:11:38,424
That sounds miserable.
320
00:11:38,426 --> 00:11:39,762
No, I think you'll like it.
321
00:11:39,764 --> 00:11:41,333
We take on new personas and act like
322
00:11:41,335 --> 00:11:42,804
we're meeting for the first time.
323
00:11:42,806 --> 00:11:43,739
I'll start.
324
00:11:43,741 --> 00:11:44,977
Hello, stranger.
325
00:11:44,979 --> 00:11:46,581
Name's Stanley wintergreen.
326
00:11:46,583 --> 00:11:48,386
I'm a mailbox salesman from Ohio.
327
00:11:48,388 --> 00:11:51,362
And I have come to the big
apple in search of a roommate.
328
00:11:51,364 --> 00:11:53,468
Nice to meet you, Stan.
I'm Chet mcgovern, FBI.
329
00:11:53,470 --> 00:11:55,273
And you're under arrest
for human trafficking.
330
00:11:55,275 --> 00:11:57,379
I think you heard me wrong, neighbor.
331
00:11:57,381 --> 00:11:59,753
I travel the country peddling my boxes.
332
00:11:59,755 --> 00:12:02,661
Save the sweet talk for the
jail shower, wintergreen.
333
00:12:02,663 --> 00:12:04,400
You're going to gladiator school.
334
00:12:04,402 --> 00:12:07,508
You've soiled the flag
of these United States!
335
00:12:07,510 --> 00:12:09,347
Oh, I guess those colors do run.
336
00:12:09,349 --> 00:12:11,152
- Ahh!
- Hey!
337
00:12:11,154 --> 00:12:12,155
Bar fight.
338
00:12:12,157 --> 00:12:14,161
Morning bar fight.
339
00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:17,638
Where am I?
340
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:19,309
I carried you to city hall.
341
00:12:19,311 --> 00:12:21,616
I didn't believe you
could put me first.
342
00:12:21,618 --> 00:12:23,354
Well, you proved me wrong,
Mr. wintergreen.
343
00:12:23,356 --> 00:12:26,196
You are an insufferable,
milquetoast workaholic.
344
00:12:26,198 --> 00:12:29,639
But the past few hours have been
among the funnest of my life.
345
00:12:29,641 --> 00:12:33,349
And so before these random
people waiting in line
346
00:12:33,351 --> 00:12:37,027
and our disturbing,
reclusive landlord Leon,
347
00:12:37,029 --> 00:12:38,731
I want to ask you to be my
roommate for one more year.
348
00:12:38,733 --> 00:12:40,737
- Aww.
- Aww.
349
00:12:40,739 --> 00:12:42,108
You know, Randall,
350
00:12:42,110 --> 00:12:43,613
getting to know you better today,
351
00:12:43,615 --> 00:12:45,184
I now realize
352
00:12:45,186 --> 00:12:46,889
I don't want to live with you anymore.
353
00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:48,025
Huh?
354
00:12:48,027 --> 00:12:49,195
We're just bad roommates.
355
00:12:49,197 --> 00:12:50,466
Roommates?
356
00:12:50,468 --> 00:12:52,137
I always thought we were friends.
357
00:12:55,482 --> 00:12:57,218
Fail.
358
00:12:57,220 --> 00:12:59,291
Yo, Leon, could you show
a little respect here?
359
00:12:59,293 --> 00:13:00,495
A man just lost a roommate.
360
00:13:00,497 --> 00:13:01,765
I mean, my God.
361
00:13:01,767 --> 00:13:05,074
Also, do you need a roommate?
362
00:13:08,112 --> 00:13:09,139
Lift with the legs.
363
00:13:09,141 --> 00:13:10,133
Yah!
364
00:13:10,135 --> 00:13:11,457
Rufus, come here, boy.
365
00:13:11,459 --> 00:13:12,882
You almost got hit by that radiator.
366
00:13:12,884 --> 00:13:14,008
Oeuf magazine.
367
00:13:14,010 --> 00:13:16,625
I've waited for this day.
368
00:13:16,627 --> 00:13:18,382
My dog is on fire!
369
00:13:18,384 --> 00:13:19,939
Somebody help!
370
00:13:19,941 --> 00:13:22,390
This mattress is full
of memories and semen.
371
00:13:23,850 --> 00:13:25,869
I never want to see it again.
372
00:13:25,871 --> 00:13:29,182
My dog's burning to
death under a mattress!
373
00:13:31,668 --> 00:13:34,615
Take one morning off,
the whole place falls apart.
374
00:13:37,964 --> 00:13:39,155
Uh...
375
00:13:41,707 --> 00:13:43,130
Oh, snakes, no!
376
00:13:47,902 --> 00:13:49,027
Callie!
377
00:13:52,375 --> 00:13:53,334
Ah, I don't want to die!
378
00:13:53,336 --> 00:13:54,394
Come here.
379
00:13:54,396 --> 00:13:56,316
Hmm!
380
00:13:56,318 --> 00:13:58,337
After everything we shared,
381
00:13:58,339 --> 00:14:02,975
the jokes, the good times,
this stolen hotel dresser.
382
00:14:02,977 --> 00:14:04,830
You've hurt me for the last time,
Mark Lilly.
383
00:14:04,832 --> 00:14:06,089
Knock, knock.
384
00:14:06,091 --> 00:14:07,150
Yah!
385
00:14:07,152 --> 00:14:09,535
Oh.
386
00:14:09,537 --> 00:14:12,616
I believe this is yours.
387
00:14:12,618 --> 00:14:15,035
This is Ginny and April.
388
00:14:15,037 --> 00:14:18,148
Hold on. I want to do
this in one breath.
389
00:14:18,150 --> 00:14:20,203
They're a lesbian
couple who adopted twins
390
00:14:20,205 --> 00:14:21,660
and are interested
in the place.
391
00:14:21,662 --> 00:14:23,881
I did it.
392
00:14:25,472 --> 00:14:27,259
Where are you going?
393
00:14:27,261 --> 00:14:29,247
Your lease doesn't run out
for another four hours.
394
00:14:29,249 --> 00:14:32,627
This place has too many ghosts.
395
00:14:32,629 --> 00:14:34,449
No surprise there,
396
00:14:34,451 --> 00:14:38,524
what with all the unsolved murders.
397
00:14:42,402 --> 00:14:44,587
I probably should have disclosed that.
398
00:14:46,411 --> 00:14:48,629
What the hell is going on?
399
00:14:48,631 --> 00:14:52,769
Grimes mom released the ten
plagues of Egypt on our asses!
400
00:14:52,771 --> 00:14:55,487
Drama queen of the damned!
401
00:14:55,489 --> 00:14:57,640
You've always been pathetic, Francis.
402
00:14:57,642 --> 00:14:59,893
That's why I taught you to stutter,
403
00:14:59,895 --> 00:15:01,384
so you'd be too ashamed
404
00:15:01,386 --> 00:15:05,028
to demonstrate your
s-s-s-stupidity in public.
405
00:15:05,030 --> 00:15:07,248
Th-th-th-that's the cruelest thing
406
00:15:07,250 --> 00:15:08,772
you ever said to me, mummy.
407
00:15:08,774 --> 00:15:11,058
That would be Grimes' mother?
408
00:15:11,060 --> 00:15:12,250
In beetle form.
409
00:15:12,252 --> 00:15:13,907
She's a shape-shifting mummy.
410
00:15:13,909 --> 00:15:15,597
And kind of a bitch.
411
00:15:15,599 --> 00:15:17,386
I have to say,
I'm proud of your loyalty
412
00:15:17,388 --> 00:15:19,473
to help Grimes and defend the D.O.I.
413
00:15:19,475 --> 00:15:21,329
Grimes is paying us off.
414
00:15:21,331 --> 00:15:23,515
I'm getting a Pontiac aztec.
415
00:15:31,733 --> 00:15:33,520
Your counseling mumbo
jumbo is bullcrap.
416
00:15:33,522 --> 00:15:34,878
But if there ever were a time for it,
417
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,701
this would be it.
418
00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:41,007
Well, my senior thesis was in
family conflict resolution,
419
00:15:41,009 --> 00:15:43,260
and that should work with beetles.
420
00:15:43,262 --> 00:15:45,183
Great. We'll create a diversion.
421
00:15:45,185 --> 00:15:48,131
To the roof!
422
00:15:48,133 --> 00:15:49,787
Okay then.
423
00:15:49,789 --> 00:15:51,709
Grimes?
424
00:15:51,711 --> 00:15:52,802
You all right?
425
00:15:52,804 --> 00:15:54,128
Look away, Lilly.
426
00:15:54,130 --> 00:15:55,452
I'm regressing to my childhood.
427
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:57,274
It'll pass. It always does.
428
00:15:57,276 --> 00:15:58,997
Come on. Don't let her get to you.
429
00:15:58,999 --> 00:16:01,217
All right, let's change the subject.
430
00:16:01,219 --> 00:16:03,636
What could we talk about?
431
00:16:03,638 --> 00:16:06,220
Hey, think I could crash at
your place for a couple weeks?
432
00:16:06,222 --> 00:16:08,340
Randall and I kind of broke up.
433
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:09,566
The answer is no.
434
00:16:09,568 --> 00:16:11,521
I'm a lone wolf, Mark.
435
00:16:11,523 --> 00:16:14,768
It's a life of secret crying
and midnight binge drinking
436
00:16:14,770 --> 00:16:17,352
as you wait for the foul
stink of death to take you.
437
00:16:17,354 --> 00:16:19,969
And now without a roommate,
you're just like me.
438
00:16:19,971 --> 00:16:22,553
I wouldn't say that.
439
00:16:22,555 --> 00:16:23,945
Embrace it.
440
00:16:23,947 --> 00:16:25,800
That zombie was your only real friend,
441
00:16:25,802 --> 00:16:27,688
and you're boring enough already.
442
00:16:27,690 --> 00:16:30,703
Without him, you'd fade into
that taupe wall behind you.
443
00:16:30,705 --> 00:16:32,393
I never thought about him like that.
444
00:16:32,395 --> 00:16:35,938
He did rearrange his schedule
to come take pictures.
445
00:16:35,940 --> 00:16:39,152
He lives vicariously through my dreams.
446
00:16:39,154 --> 00:16:43,326
And whenever we are in a fight,
he always has my back.
447
00:16:43,328 --> 00:16:45,182
Jesus, and you're longwinded.
448
00:16:45,184 --> 00:16:46,540
Randall doesn't mind that either.
449
00:16:46,542 --> 00:16:48,295
Oh, man.
450
00:16:48,297 --> 00:16:50,548
I wish I could go get him back
before our lease runs out.
451
00:16:53,101 --> 00:16:55,882
This mummy situation is kind of urgent.
452
00:16:55,884 --> 00:16:57,273
Go to him, Lilly.
453
00:16:57,275 --> 00:16:58,433
Don't be like me.
454
00:16:58,435 --> 00:17:01,117
Besides, mummy's my problem,
455
00:17:01,119 --> 00:17:02,773
and I need to stand up to her.
456
00:17:02,775 --> 00:17:04,993
Hey, I'm proud of you, Francis.
457
00:17:04,995 --> 00:17:07,611
You said you always wanted a pet.
458
00:17:07,613 --> 00:17:12,149
Just remember, you're gonna
have to feed them yourself.
459
00:17:12,151 --> 00:17:14,734
Save yourself, Lilly.
460
00:17:14,736 --> 00:17:17,086
Time to build the pyramids
461
00:17:17,088 --> 00:17:18,411
straight up your ass.
462
00:17:22,116 --> 00:17:23,648
Oh, really?
463
00:17:23,650 --> 00:17:26,748
A claustrophobic crab-person
joined your class?
464
00:17:26,750 --> 00:17:28,281
How uninteresting.
465
00:17:28,283 --> 00:17:29,913
Uh-oh.
466
00:17:29,915 --> 00:17:31,913
Looks like Callie showed
up and wants to have sex.
467
00:17:31,915 --> 00:17:34,580
I'll go give you two some privacy.
468
00:17:37,847 --> 00:17:39,145
Yeah, blast that three-hole.
469
00:17:39,147 --> 00:17:40,078
It's not weird.
470
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:41,911
Ugh.
471
00:17:41,913 --> 00:17:44,444
It's close, but not quite the same.
472
00:17:45,747 --> 00:17:48,144
Hmm?
473
00:17:48,146 --> 00:17:49,144
Hmm.
474
00:17:49,146 --> 00:17:50,744
A candle path?
475
00:17:50,746 --> 00:17:52,044
Probably walking right into
476
00:17:52,046 --> 00:17:53,710
Leon's murder nest.
477
00:17:53,712 --> 00:17:55,609
But I don't even care anymore.
478
00:17:55,611 --> 00:17:57,843
Ahh, lightning bolt, lightning bolt!
479
00:17:57,845 --> 00:18:00,409
Lightning bolt!
480
00:18:00,411 --> 00:18:01,842
We can't hold her much longer, Grimes.
481
00:18:01,844 --> 00:18:03,209
Sorry.
482
00:18:03,211 --> 00:18:04,808
My hieroglyphic's a little rusty.
483
00:18:04,810 --> 00:18:06,907
Ooh, I'll try to calm
her with my dancing.
484
00:18:11,242 --> 00:18:15,140
You were a mistake, Francis.
485
00:18:16,742 --> 00:18:20,573
A deliciously naughty
mistake with the gardener.
486
00:18:20,575 --> 00:18:24,272
I summon Anubis,
the ancient God of death
487
00:18:24,274 --> 00:18:25,839
to deal with my mummy issues.
488
00:18:29,439 --> 00:18:34,437
I will destroy all in my path.
489
00:18:35,473 --> 00:18:36,903
Oh, look at the time.
490
00:18:36,905 --> 00:18:38,169
I'm late for my gyno.
491
00:18:38,171 --> 00:18:39,670
I'll come with.
492
00:18:39,672 --> 00:18:43,303
Wait, I have more amulets
and poison whiskey!
493
00:18:43,305 --> 00:18:45,736
Ahh, my head bush!
494
00:18:45,738 --> 00:18:47,002
There's no place like home.
495
00:18:47,004 --> 00:18:48,168
There's no place like home.
496
00:18:48,170 --> 00:18:49,168
Crash!
497
00:18:49,170 --> 00:18:50,301
Crap.
498
00:18:51,736 --> 00:18:53,568
Surprise! Hmm?
499
00:18:53,570 --> 00:18:55,001
What's all this?
500
00:18:55,003 --> 00:18:56,001
Ginny and April?
501
00:18:56,003 --> 00:18:57,734
Matt lauer?
502
00:18:57,736 --> 00:19:00,100
Mark?
503
00:19:00,102 --> 00:19:01,367
Mark, what are you doing here?
504
00:19:01,369 --> 00:19:02,566
I'm trying to right
505
00:19:02,568 --> 00:19:03,866
the biggest mistake of my life.
506
00:19:03,868 --> 00:19:05,232
I'm listening.
507
00:19:05,234 --> 00:19:06,633
All this time,
508
00:19:06,635 --> 00:19:08,132
I thought you were hard to live with
509
00:19:08,134 --> 00:19:10,165
and a colossal pain in my ass.
510
00:19:10,167 --> 00:19:11,765
But for the first time,
511
00:19:11,767 --> 00:19:13,231
I see that's exactly what my ass needs.
512
00:19:13,233 --> 00:19:16,330
You are the most loyal,
fun, interesting friend
513
00:19:16,332 --> 00:19:17,964
I could ever hope for.
514
00:19:17,966 --> 00:19:19,664
Are you saying what I
think you're saying?
515
00:19:19,666 --> 00:19:21,063
Yes.
516
00:19:21,065 --> 00:19:23,463
Randall Skeffington,
517
00:19:23,465 --> 00:19:26,663
will you make me the
happiest tenant in New York
518
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:28,562
by agreeing to
extend our lease?
519
00:19:28,564 --> 00:19:30,662
Well, I really wanted to be
the man in this situation,
520
00:19:30,664 --> 00:19:31,762
but yes!
521
00:19:36,396 --> 00:19:40,561
I now pronounce you
roommates for one more year.
522
00:19:41,595 --> 00:19:44,793
Until death do you part.
523
00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:57,958
Hey, man, you really picked
a bad day to skip work.
524
00:19:59,627 --> 00:20:01,391
Mummy!
525
00:20:01,393 --> 00:20:07,990
I'll always be your little
f-f-f-f-f-f-f-Francis!
526
00:20:09,457 --> 00:20:12,456
Relationships can
sustain damage over time
527
00:20:12,458 --> 00:20:14,422
and need to be rebuilt...
528
00:20:14,424 --> 00:20:17,488
I am not drunk enough for this.
529
00:20:17,490 --> 00:20:21,621
Otherwise, they can become
eternally dysfunctional.
530
00:20:21,623 --> 00:20:24,621
Mummy, I love you so much.
531
00:20:24,623 --> 00:20:26,587
But I never want to see you again.
532
00:20:26,589 --> 00:20:29,753
But if you put in the
work and you get lucky,
533
00:20:29,755 --> 00:20:34,086
you should be able to keep them
at a barely acceptable level.
534
00:20:34,088 --> 00:20:38,218
"Oh, God, it's raining down
the molten egg on top of us!
535
00:20:38,220 --> 00:20:41,884
Our bodies will be preserved
for future generations."
536
00:20:44,052 --> 00:20:46,284
Hmm...
537
00:20:47,752 --> 00:20:48,750
Beep!
538
00:20:48,752 --> 00:20:49,850
You were saying?
539
00:20:49,852 --> 00:20:51,783
"Oh, God, why didn't
540
00:20:51,785 --> 00:20:54,882
our scientists tell
us this would happen?"
541
00:20:54,884 --> 00:20:56,582
Egg-cano!