1
00:00:00,625 --> 00:00:04,565
Hmm, do I want goobers
or jujubes?
2
00:00:05,568 --> 00:00:06,568
[Gasps]
3
00:00:06,570 --> 00:00:09,504
Twayne the bone raper.
4
00:00:09,506 --> 00:00:10,672
[Whimpers]
5
00:00:10,674 --> 00:00:12,074
But what they don't realize
6
00:00:12,076 --> 00:00:15,277
is that the top
can be a scary place.
7
00:00:15,279 --> 00:00:17,512
I just want to apologize
to my mom
8
00:00:17,514 --> 00:00:19,781
for not being as evil
as she wanted.
9
00:00:19,783 --> 00:00:23,185
Oh, God! I'm gonna die here!
10
00:00:23,187 --> 00:00:25,921
[Screams]
11
00:00:25,923 --> 00:00:27,022
Twayne the bone raper?
12
00:00:27,024 --> 00:00:27,989
Delivery for you.
13
00:00:27,991 --> 00:00:29,358
[Breathes heavily]
14
00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:32,527
"Congratulations
to our fearless leader"--
15
00:00:32,529 --> 00:00:37,532
Oh, I can be such
a scaredy-cat sometimes.
16
00:00:37,534 --> 00:00:38,533
[Bug hisses]
17
00:00:38,535 --> 00:00:39,601
Ooh, a bug!
18
00:00:39,603 --> 00:00:40,969
Get it off!
19
00:00:40,971 --> 00:00:42,738
[Intense orchestral music]
20
00:00:42,740 --> 00:00:45,841
[Screams]
21
00:00:45,843 --> 00:00:49,878
Now, as you all know,
we're throwing Twayne a roast,
22
00:00:49,880 --> 00:00:52,247
and Twayne himself
asked me to be on the dais,
23
00:00:52,249 --> 00:00:54,783
so I thought I'd try out
some of my material
24
00:00:54,785 --> 00:00:56,385
right here, right now.
25
00:00:56,387 --> 00:00:58,253
All right. Here we go.
26
00:00:58,255 --> 00:01:01,490
This isn't Twayne's first roast.
Nope.
27
00:01:01,492 --> 00:01:05,994
As a matter of fact, he uses
his crock-pot most weeknights.
28
00:01:05,996 --> 00:01:07,896
[Rimshot]
29
00:01:07,898 --> 00:01:10,599
Twayne seems pretty horny.
Yeah.
30
00:01:10,601 --> 00:01:14,136
Maybe that's because
he has horns on his head.
31
00:01:14,138 --> 00:01:15,637
[Rimshot]
32
00:01:15,639 --> 00:01:17,105
See?
33
00:01:17,107 --> 00:01:19,074
"Horny" can mean
a couple different things
34
00:01:19,076 --> 00:01:20,308
if you think about it.
35
00:01:20,310 --> 00:01:23,545
This is going to be a problem.
36
00:01:25,248 --> 00:01:28,617
Hey, friends, wicked excited
for your zingers tomorrow.
37
00:01:28,619 --> 00:01:30,685
If you don't rip me to shreds
at that roast,
38
00:01:30,687 --> 00:01:34,055
I'm going to be
personally offended.
39
00:01:34,057 --> 00:01:35,824
He's gonna love my performance.
40
00:01:35,826 --> 00:01:39,661
I've got puns and rimshots
and then more puns.
41
00:01:39,663 --> 00:01:41,863
Mmmm.
42
00:01:41,865 --> 00:01:44,900
You know, you don't have
to go up onstage.
43
00:01:44,902 --> 00:01:47,636
The real action at any roast
is in the decorating.
44
00:01:47,638 --> 00:01:52,007
Decorations are a blast,
but I've got comedy gold to mine
45
00:01:52,009 --> 00:01:54,342
with my punch line pickax.
46
00:01:54,344 --> 00:01:55,811
Take off the kid gloves.
47
00:01:55,813 --> 00:01:57,712
You're just not funny.
48
00:01:57,714 --> 00:02:00,415
Please don't take a bland,
flavorless crap on our night.
49
00:02:00,417 --> 00:02:02,217
[Chuckles]
50
00:02:02,219 --> 00:02:04,519
Well, we'll see whose "crap"
is bland and flavorless
51
00:02:04,521 --> 00:02:07,222
when I knock them death.
52
00:02:07,224 --> 00:02:09,925
Ugh, he can't even exit
on a good line.
53
00:02:11,594 --> 00:02:15,263
Stop being the unfunny friend,
jokes that rhyme--
54
00:02:15,265 --> 00:02:18,667
With a bibliography like this,
I can't lose.
55
00:02:18,669 --> 00:02:21,470
Punny me, punny you?
56
00:02:21,472 --> 00:02:23,638
What the [bleep]
is this garbage?
57
00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:26,007
I'm trying to get edgier
for Twayne's roast.
58
00:02:26,009 --> 00:02:27,409
Well, you're in luck.
59
00:02:27,411 --> 00:02:29,578
After I showed Leonard
my old stand-up tape,
60
00:02:29,580 --> 00:02:32,347
they begged me to MC the roast.
61
00:02:32,349 --> 00:02:34,182
Ladies, you're beautiful.
I love you, ladies.
62
00:02:34,184 --> 00:02:36,151
You're beautiful,
63
00:02:36,153 --> 00:02:38,787
but a lot of y'all are not
washing yo' ass properly.
64
00:02:38,789 --> 00:02:41,623
Women need to wash they ass.
65
00:02:41,625 --> 00:02:45,961
Get a febreze or a glade plugin
and plug it in that ass.
66
00:02:45,963 --> 00:02:47,829
Oh, I'm gravy. I'm gravy.
67
00:02:47,831 --> 00:02:51,533
Wow, you had them eating
out of the palm of your hand,
68
00:02:51,535 --> 00:02:52,968
but I don't know
if I could come up
69
00:02:52,970 --> 00:02:54,569
with a routine like that.
70
00:02:54,571 --> 00:02:56,238
Okay, I'll write your set
for you.
71
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:57,572
Here's what I'm gonna need
from you:
72
00:02:57,574 --> 00:02:59,341
A list of Twayne's faults
73
00:02:59,343 --> 00:03:02,744
and your undying commitment
to my material.
74
00:03:02,746 --> 00:03:05,146
[Applause]
75
00:03:05,148 --> 00:03:08,350
Welcome to the roast
of Twayne the bone raper.
76
00:03:08,352 --> 00:03:10,819
Throw me on the spit! Whoo!
77
00:03:10,821 --> 00:03:12,387
[Laughs]
78
00:03:12,389 --> 00:03:14,256
[Cheers and applause]
79
00:03:14,258 --> 00:03:17,726
Twayne, are you happy
to be here?
80
00:03:17,728 --> 00:03:21,263
Say, Callie,
I may be dummy Twayne,
81
00:03:21,265 --> 00:03:23,999
but Twayne's the real dummy.
82
00:03:24,001 --> 00:03:25,934
The puppet's talking
on its own!
83
00:03:25,936 --> 00:03:27,669
[Laughs] Priceless!
84
00:03:27,671 --> 00:03:28,870
[Cheers and applause]
85
00:03:28,872 --> 00:03:31,006
How about a few impressions?
86
00:03:31,008 --> 00:03:32,707
Bobby de Niro.
87
00:03:32,709 --> 00:03:34,943
Are you speaking with me,
Twayne?
88
00:03:34,945 --> 00:03:37,612
There's no one else here,
so you must be speaking to me.
89
00:03:37,614 --> 00:03:40,515
[Laughter]
90
00:03:40,517 --> 00:03:45,120
You know you're a demon when
someone tells you to go to hell
91
00:03:45,122 --> 00:03:47,088
and you're already there.
92
00:03:47,090 --> 00:03:49,524
Oh, it's funny
'cause I don't have to think.
93
00:03:49,526 --> 00:03:52,661
Our next roaster
is the answer to the question,
94
00:03:52,663 --> 00:03:54,930
"is there anything
I won't [bleep]?"
95
00:03:54,932 --> 00:03:57,132
The queen of mean,
Lisa Lampanelli, everyone.
96
00:03:57,134 --> 00:04:00,769
[Cheers and applause]
97
00:04:00,771 --> 00:04:02,571
Look at this dais, huh?
98
00:04:02,573 --> 00:04:06,408
We got more unknown organisms
up here than my last pap smear.
99
00:04:06,410 --> 00:04:07,542
[Laughs]
100
00:04:07,544 --> 00:04:09,477
Callie Maggotbone's here.
101
00:04:09,479 --> 00:04:11,313
What a body on her, huh?
102
00:04:11,315 --> 00:04:13,982
Her boobs are about as natural
as Leonard's hard-on.
103
00:04:13,984 --> 00:04:16,551
Oh, here it comes.
104
00:04:16,553 --> 00:04:18,787
Leonard, hey, must have been
105
00:04:18,789 --> 00:04:21,923
a lonely 300 years
before Viagra.
106
00:04:21,925 --> 00:04:23,625
No wonder they called it
the dark ages,
107
00:04:23,627 --> 00:04:27,295
which incidentally
is what I call my Ver-Gina.
108
00:04:27,297 --> 00:04:29,064
[Laughter]
109
00:04:29,066 --> 00:04:32,000
And finally,
the man of the hour,
110
00:04:32,002 --> 00:04:34,002
Twayne the bone raper.
111
00:04:34,004 --> 00:04:37,005
Seriously, has anyone
ever seen this guy naked?
112
00:04:37,007 --> 00:04:39,674
Now I know
why they call it a redwood.
113
00:04:39,676 --> 00:04:43,111
[Laughter and cheers]
114
00:04:43,113 --> 00:04:45,447
I'm really worried
these jokes are too mean.
115
00:04:45,449 --> 00:04:47,482
Okay, after all the work
I just put into your set,
116
00:04:47,484 --> 00:04:50,185
don't you dare
undersell it out there.
117
00:04:50,187 --> 00:04:51,319
Do you understand me?
118
00:04:51,321 --> 00:04:53,021
Remember, it's not you.
119
00:04:53,023 --> 00:04:55,657
It's your new stage persona,
Rick nightingale.
120
00:04:55,659 --> 00:04:56,658
All right, do good.
121
00:04:56,660 --> 00:04:58,159
[Groans]
122
00:04:58,161 --> 00:04:59,928
A lot of people think
of this next performer
123
00:04:59,930 --> 00:05:01,730
as a wet blanket
124
00:05:01,732 --> 00:05:04,799
and not just because
his girlfriend's a squirter.
125
00:05:04,801 --> 00:05:07,435
Pease give it up for Mark Lilly.
Mark Lilly, everyone.
126
00:05:07,437 --> 00:05:10,905
[Tough rock music]
127
00:05:10,907 --> 00:05:12,774
Actually, that goody-two-shoes
128
00:05:12,776 --> 00:05:14,175
couldn't make it tonight.
129
00:05:14,177 --> 00:05:16,344
I'm Rick nightingale,
you dick licks.
130
00:05:16,346 --> 00:05:19,047
Uh, Twayne, Twayne's so cut
131
00:05:19,049 --> 00:05:20,615
that when his neck vein bulges,
132
00:05:20,617 --> 00:05:23,218
it looks exactly
like his favorite snack:
133
00:05:23,220 --> 00:05:24,219
Dick.
134
00:05:24,221 --> 00:05:25,220
Oh-go-go-goo.
135
00:05:25,222 --> 00:05:26,488
Mm.
136
00:05:26,490 --> 00:05:27,922
I guess that's why
137
00:05:27,924 --> 00:05:29,924
his nickname around the office
is [bleep]sucker.
138
00:05:29,926 --> 00:05:31,192
[Crowd gasps]
139
00:05:31,194 --> 00:05:33,561
Hey, Twayne,
I got you a little gift.
140
00:05:33,563 --> 00:05:35,296
[Moans nervously]
141
00:05:35,298 --> 00:05:37,966
Why are you doing this?
142
00:05:37,968 --> 00:05:39,668
For you, buddy.
143
00:05:39,670 --> 00:05:41,603
I've never made someone
cry from laughing before.
144
00:05:41,605 --> 00:05:43,505
What a rush.
145
00:05:43,507 --> 00:05:45,473
Seriously, Twayne's job is
so easy, a monkey could do it,
146
00:05:45,475 --> 00:05:48,109
if you could find a monkey
dumb enough to waste its life.
147
00:05:48,111 --> 00:05:49,811
[Crowd boos]
Get off the stage.
148
00:05:49,813 --> 00:05:51,112
Yeah, what's the difference
149
00:05:51,114 --> 00:05:53,248
between Twayne
and an expired condom?
150
00:05:53,250 --> 00:05:55,884
An expired condom
occasionally works.
151
00:05:55,886 --> 00:05:58,553
Hey, you leave Twayne alone,
you monster.
152
00:05:58,555 --> 00:05:59,654
He's a good man!
153
00:05:59,656 --> 00:06:01,489
[Crying loudly]
154
00:06:01,491 --> 00:06:04,225
Uh, but this isn't
Twayne's first roast.
155
00:06:04,227 --> 00:06:06,761
Yeah, he uses
his crock-pot a lot
156
00:06:06,763 --> 00:06:07,829
cook food in.
157
00:06:07,831 --> 00:06:09,597
[Crowd boos]
158
00:06:09,599 --> 00:06:11,099
Dicks?
159
00:06:11,101 --> 00:06:14,269
Okay, wow. Jesus.
160
00:06:14,271 --> 00:06:17,138
Well, it's customary for
the roastee to say a few words,
161
00:06:17,140 --> 00:06:20,241
but I think it might be best
under the circumstances
162
00:06:20,243 --> 00:06:21,776
if everyone just filed
out of here
163
00:06:21,778 --> 00:06:23,578
as quietly and orderly
as possible.
164
00:06:23,580 --> 00:06:25,313
No, God damn it.
165
00:06:25,315 --> 00:06:27,248
I need to say a few things.
166
00:06:27,250 --> 00:06:29,117
Twayne, I'm really sorry.
167
00:06:29,119 --> 00:06:31,686
You had your turn to speak.
Now it's mine.
168
00:06:31,688 --> 00:06:35,824
You think I'm a joke?
You think my job is easy?
169
00:06:35,826 --> 00:06:37,525
Then why don't you do it?
170
00:06:37,527 --> 00:06:38,993
I have an announcement to make.
171
00:06:38,995 --> 00:06:42,263
Mark Lilly is now in charge
of the D.O.I.
172
00:06:42,265 --> 00:06:43,264
I quit!
173
00:06:43,266 --> 00:06:44,265
[All gasp]
174
00:06:44,267 --> 00:06:47,001
[Cries loudly]
175
00:06:47,003 --> 00:06:48,937
Listen, everyone,
that wasn't really--
176
00:06:48,939 --> 00:06:50,772
Mark Lilly
was my stage persona.
177
00:06:50,774 --> 00:06:52,474
Rick nightingale,
178
00:06:52,476 --> 00:06:55,310
he had a tough upbringing
on the streets of Detroit--
179
00:06:55,312 --> 00:06:57,430
[cheers and applause]
180
00:07:00,652 --> 00:07:03,087
Hello, anyone home? Twayne?
181
00:07:03,207 --> 00:07:05,037
[Sobbing] Don't look.
182
00:07:05,039 --> 00:07:07,105
I'm a hideous failure.
183
00:07:07,107 --> 00:07:10,175
The biggest joke
at my roast was me.
184
00:07:10,177 --> 00:07:11,510
Hey, hey, come on.
185
00:07:11,512 --> 00:07:13,178
Those are Mark Lilly's words,
186
00:07:13,180 --> 00:07:16,982
words that he wrote on his own
without help from anyone.
187
00:07:16,984 --> 00:07:18,250
But you know what?
188
00:07:18,252 --> 00:07:19,585
He's not the problem. You are.
189
00:07:19,587 --> 00:07:21,253
[Sobs] I am?
190
00:07:21,255 --> 00:07:22,855
Mark tore you down, Twayne,
191
00:07:22,857 --> 00:07:24,756
and now Randall's here
to build you back up
192
00:07:24,758 --> 00:07:25,958
for a small fee--
193
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:27,693
well, actually,
quite a large fee.
194
00:07:27,695 --> 00:07:29,628
I'll teach you that
no matter what your problem is,
195
00:07:29,630 --> 00:07:30,762
the cause is fear.
196
00:07:30,764 --> 00:07:31,964
My system works for anyone.
197
00:07:31,966 --> 00:07:34,366
Hey, I'm anyone.
198
00:07:34,368 --> 00:07:36,435
So when can we start?
199
00:07:36,437 --> 00:07:37,870
We already have.
200
00:07:37,872 --> 00:07:39,872
First step,
we're gonna teach you
201
00:07:39,874 --> 00:07:41,974
how to wash yo' ass properly.
202
00:07:41,976 --> 00:07:43,342
Damn, yo' ass stink.
203
00:07:43,344 --> 00:07:45,844
Put a tic tac in that [bleep].
204
00:07:47,213 --> 00:07:48,814
I think we can all agree
205
00:07:48,816 --> 00:07:50,382
this isn't how
the three of us imagined
206
00:07:50,384 --> 00:07:52,918
Mark Lilly would assume control
of the D.O.I.,
207
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,053
but I'm hoping now
we can move on
208
00:07:55,055 --> 00:07:56,989
and focus on doing
a bang-up job
209
00:07:56,991 --> 00:07:58,490
of helping out
our fellow citizens.
210
00:07:58,492 --> 00:08:00,759
That sounds
really constructive.
211
00:08:00,761 --> 00:08:02,761
Wake me when Mark's
not in charge.
212
00:08:02,763 --> 00:08:05,230
Don't forget to submit
a vacation request.
213
00:08:05,232 --> 00:08:07,666
Your schedule, Mr. director.
214
00:08:07,668 --> 00:08:11,203
- 9:00 A.M.: Lunch.
10:15: Lunch.
215
00:08:11,205 --> 00:08:13,071
Twayne's entire day
is filled with lunches.
216
00:08:13,073 --> 00:08:14,606
7:00 P.M.: Lunch.
217
00:08:14,608 --> 00:08:16,408
Why wouldn't he
just call that "dinner"?
218
00:08:16,410 --> 00:08:19,177
There must be some
actual business to take care of.
219
00:08:19,179 --> 00:08:20,779
Our yearly budget.
220
00:08:20,781 --> 00:08:22,314
It requires
the director's signature--
221
00:08:22,316 --> 00:08:24,016
Wait.
222
00:08:24,018 --> 00:08:28,887
67% of the budget goes
to the department of birthdays?
223
00:08:28,889 --> 00:08:29,922
What the hell is that?
224
00:08:29,924 --> 00:08:32,057
Allow me to show you.
225
00:08:32,059 --> 00:08:35,694
[Device beeps]
226
00:08:35,696 --> 00:08:41,667
The former director wanted
his own elevator to fart in.
227
00:08:41,669 --> 00:08:44,603
Let loose, Mr. director.
228
00:08:44,605 --> 00:08:46,939
Enjoy your success.
[Farts loudly]
229
00:08:46,941 --> 00:08:50,542
Oof. That is musty.
230
00:08:50,544 --> 00:08:55,514
I present the department
of birthdays!
231
00:08:55,516 --> 00:08:58,016
Welcome, Mr. director.
232
00:08:58,018 --> 00:09:00,953
Joyce, get these men
some refreshments!
233
00:09:00,955 --> 00:09:02,621
- Oh.
- Bitch.
234
00:09:02,623 --> 00:09:05,757
As you can see, sir,
we specialize in all aspects
235
00:09:05,759 --> 00:09:08,961
of celebrating D.O.I.
staff birthdays.
236
00:09:08,963 --> 00:09:12,931
Joyce!
- [Whimpers nervously]
237
00:09:12,933 --> 00:09:16,969
Employee birthday cards
are designed and written here.
238
00:09:16,971 --> 00:09:18,637
Oh, we're in luck!
239
00:09:18,639 --> 00:09:20,205
A reading.
240
00:09:20,207 --> 00:09:24,610
Put down the W-2S
and requests for vacation.
241
00:09:24,612 --> 00:09:29,715
Put a pin in today's
sexual harassment orientation.
242
00:09:29,717 --> 00:09:34,419
We all know how human
a resource you are.
243
00:09:34,421 --> 00:09:38,724
Happy Birthday to you,
Beth in hr.
244
00:09:38,726 --> 00:09:40,592
[Applause]
245
00:09:40,594 --> 00:09:43,495
The D.O.I. birthday singers.
246
00:09:43,497 --> 00:09:45,097
They're practicing the beloved
247
00:09:45,099 --> 00:09:48,033
and world-famous
traditional birthday song.
248
00:09:48,035 --> 00:09:50,268
# Happy Birthday to--
249
00:09:50,270 --> 00:09:52,938
- Birthday time is here again.
Exactly, Mr. Director.
250
00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:54,640
Well done.
251
00:09:54,642 --> 00:09:57,009
Finally, the bakery.
252
00:09:57,011 --> 00:10:00,612
I know somebody
who's gonna love this cake:
253
00:10:00,614 --> 00:10:02,414
Goose Kevin!
254
00:10:02,416 --> 00:10:04,282
I am beyond impressed.
255
00:10:04,284 --> 00:10:06,418
Next you're gonna tell me
you can bake birthday fun
256
00:10:06,420 --> 00:10:08,086
directly into the cake.
257
00:10:08,088 --> 00:10:11,423
I'm sorry. We can't do that.
258
00:10:11,425 --> 00:10:15,727
But extreme radical
celebrity chef Guy Fieri can!
259
00:10:15,729 --> 00:10:17,229
What are you waiting for?
260
00:10:17,231 --> 00:10:19,665
Deep-fry that bitch.
261
00:10:19,667 --> 00:10:23,001
His salary's kind of excessive,
262
00:10:23,003 --> 00:10:25,003
don't you think?
263
00:10:25,005 --> 00:10:27,906
In fact, the budget
for your whole department
264
00:10:27,908 --> 00:10:30,676
kind of...is.
265
00:10:30,678 --> 00:10:33,712
What are--what--
what are you saying?
266
00:10:33,714 --> 00:10:35,280
He's saying
you're [bleep] canned.
267
00:10:35,282 --> 00:10:37,516
The birthday department
is over.
268
00:10:37,518 --> 00:10:40,085
Get packing, people.
269
00:10:40,087 --> 00:10:44,089
As you wish, Mr. director.
270
00:10:44,091 --> 00:10:46,091
Abort! Abort!
271
00:10:46,093 --> 00:10:50,529
Joyce, I blame you,
you gimpy, dateless bitch!
272
00:10:50,531 --> 00:10:53,565
No sense in this
going to waste.
273
00:10:55,234 --> 00:10:57,269
Well, right about now,
you're probably asking yourself
274
00:10:57,271 --> 00:10:58,970
why we're at Le Bernardin
275
00:10:58,972 --> 00:11:02,274
enjoying an incredibly expensive
tasting menu plus wine pairing.
276
00:11:02,276 --> 00:11:03,642
Nope.
277
00:11:03,644 --> 00:11:05,343
Lunch is my favorite meal
of the day.
278
00:11:05,345 --> 00:11:06,478
Ask anyone.
279
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:08,146
This isn't just lunch.
280
00:11:08,148 --> 00:11:11,049
After being humiliated in front
of a large group of people,
281
00:11:11,051 --> 00:11:14,119
I need to teach you
how to get your confidence back,
282
00:11:14,121 --> 00:11:16,988
and to do so,
I've poisoned your amuse-bouche
283
00:11:16,990 --> 00:11:18,223
with arsenic.
284
00:11:18,225 --> 00:11:20,158
That was 12 courses ago!
285
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:21,793
I will administer the antidote
286
00:11:21,795 --> 00:11:24,162
only after you are able
to secure a date
287
00:11:24,164 --> 00:11:26,865
with one of the notoriously
snobby and judgmental women
288
00:11:26,867 --> 00:11:28,166
dining at this restaurant,
289
00:11:28,168 --> 00:11:29,968
so get mingling.
290
00:11:29,970 --> 00:11:32,137
Hello, my name is Twayne.
You look lovely today, madam.
291
00:11:32,139 --> 00:11:33,472
I think we--
[Groans and gurgles]
292
00:11:33,474 --> 00:11:35,707
[Screams]
293
00:11:35,709 --> 00:11:37,576
He'll be covering it.
294
00:11:37,578 --> 00:11:41,379
I got to say,
Fieri makes a great cake.
295
00:11:41,381 --> 00:11:42,848
[Door slams]
296
00:11:42,850 --> 00:11:43,982
Ahem.
297
00:11:43,984 --> 00:11:45,684
- Is this--
- Yes, sir.
298
00:11:45,686 --> 00:11:47,219
Goose Kevin.
299
00:11:47,221 --> 00:11:51,089
So you cancel my birthday,
then eat my cake.
300
00:11:51,091 --> 00:11:53,258
Enjoying my beak, you bastard?
301
00:11:53,260 --> 00:11:54,926
Um, Mr. Kevin--
302
00:11:54,928 --> 00:11:56,561
It's Goose Kevin!
303
00:11:56,563 --> 00:11:58,663
Do you know I got up
at 3:00 this morning
304
00:11:58,665 --> 00:12:00,398
to put on my birthday suit?
305
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:02,467
You know how hard it is
to button buttons
306
00:12:02,469 --> 00:12:05,170
when you're a goose person,
you insensitive prick?
307
00:12:05,172 --> 00:12:07,105
You don't have a friend
with fingers
308
00:12:07,107 --> 00:12:09,040
who could have
helped you out on that?
309
00:12:09,042 --> 00:12:10,675
No!
310
00:12:10,677 --> 00:12:12,878
Yesterday Dennis in accounting
had his birthday party.
311
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,680
Oh, there was cake
and fun and laughter,
312
00:12:15,682 --> 00:12:18,884
but today, suddenly,
birthdays are too expensive.
313
00:12:18,886 --> 00:12:21,520
So when my kids ask me
how my day was,
314
00:12:21,522 --> 00:12:25,190
I'll have to tell them that my
boss wishes I'd never been born.
315
00:12:25,192 --> 00:12:27,092
I don't even know you.
316
00:12:27,094 --> 00:12:28,960
This is my first day
on the job.
317
00:12:28,962 --> 00:12:31,229
And this is how
you get to the top?
318
00:12:31,231 --> 00:12:33,098
Canceling birthdays?
319
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:36,168
I was just trying
to save money for important--
320
00:12:36,170 --> 00:12:37,869
Shut your man lips.
321
00:12:37,871 --> 00:12:40,038
As a goose people's
representative,
322
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:43,708
I'm calling an emergency meeting
of the general assembly.
323
00:12:43,710 --> 00:12:46,011
What's the general assembly?
324
00:12:46,013 --> 00:12:48,313
It's the governing body
that brings together
325
00:12:48,315 --> 00:12:50,282
all the species
of New York City
326
00:12:50,284 --> 00:12:52,984
in accordance
with the integration treaty.
327
00:12:52,986 --> 00:12:54,786
The treaty upholds the peace.
328
00:12:54,788 --> 00:12:56,288
Without the D.O.I.
to enforce it,
329
00:12:56,290 --> 00:12:59,157
the city would descend
into chaos.
330
00:12:59,159 --> 00:13:02,994
[Indistinct murmuring]
331
00:13:02,996 --> 00:13:04,162
[Clears throat]
332
00:13:04,164 --> 00:13:05,630
Good day, assembly.
333
00:13:05,632 --> 00:13:12,270
Today my birthday
will go uncelebrated.
334
00:13:12,272 --> 00:13:13,738
- That's outrageous!
- It's his birthday!
335
00:13:13,740 --> 00:13:15,073
Suck my bulbs!
336
00:13:15,075 --> 00:13:16,641
Order! Order!
337
00:13:16,643 --> 00:13:19,244
Director, if you please.
338
00:13:19,246 --> 00:13:21,980
Uh, hi, everyone.
339
00:13:21,982 --> 00:13:24,482
I just got
the director job today,
340
00:13:24,484 --> 00:13:28,353
and, well, I thought
it would be efficient
341
00:13:28,355 --> 00:13:31,623
if we shut down
the department of birthdays.
342
00:13:31,625 --> 00:13:33,258
[Murmurs of disapproval]
What?
343
00:13:33,260 --> 00:13:36,027
Guy Fieri is making
$2 1/2 million!
344
00:13:36,029 --> 00:13:38,263
It is with a heavy heart
345
00:13:38,265 --> 00:13:42,534
that the goose people secede
from the integration treaty.
346
00:13:42,536 --> 00:13:45,337
I bid you good day.
347
00:13:45,339 --> 00:13:47,205
Not good.
348
00:13:47,207 --> 00:13:49,441
The carrot men also withdraw,
349
00:13:49,443 --> 00:13:52,110
and I might add
the director blew off
350
00:13:52,112 --> 00:13:55,280
all six of the lunches
I had scheduled today.
351
00:13:55,282 --> 00:13:57,315
I bid you good carrot!
352
00:13:57,317 --> 00:13:59,150
We will not be part of a union
353
00:13:59,152 --> 00:14:01,353
that does not include
carrot men.
354
00:14:01,355 --> 00:14:02,821
So it is agreed.
355
00:14:02,823 --> 00:14:06,658
The New York integration treaty
is dissolved.
356
00:14:06,660 --> 00:14:08,460
[All shouting]
357
00:14:08,462 --> 00:14:10,028
Let's go!
358
00:14:10,030 --> 00:14:11,796
Freaky biscuit is on the move.
359
00:14:11,798 --> 00:14:13,465
Freaky biscuit is secure.
360
00:14:13,467 --> 00:14:16,468
Is there a process of appeals
on the code name?
361
00:14:17,855 --> 00:14:19,788
D.O.I. Director Mark Lilly's
362
00:14:19,789 --> 00:14:21,856
shocking elimination
of the birthday articles
363
00:14:21,858 --> 00:14:24,358
has led to the collapse
of the integration treaty.
364
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:26,961
Now after decades
of peaceful coexistence,
365
00:14:26,963 --> 00:14:28,996
creatures are acting
like monsters
366
00:14:28,998 --> 00:14:30,465
rather than citizens.
367
00:14:30,467 --> 00:14:32,934
Ooh, hey, look. A sandwich.
368
00:14:32,936 --> 00:14:36,704
- [Growls]
- [Screams]
369
00:14:36,706 --> 00:14:38,773
[All screaming] - [Growls]
370
00:14:38,775 --> 00:14:40,808
You may ask yourself
why we're at a tailor
371
00:14:40,810 --> 00:14:43,044
being fit for $10,000 suits.
372
00:14:43,046 --> 00:14:46,948
Well, it's to make you confront
your fear of getting hurt again.
373
00:14:46,950 --> 00:14:49,350
Are you sure I'm really
afraid of that?
374
00:14:49,352 --> 00:14:50,818
Let's find out!
375
00:14:50,820 --> 00:14:53,154
I call this "The Cat Bag"
by Randall Skeffington.
376
00:14:53,156 --> 00:14:54,856
Their razor-sharp claws
377
00:14:54,858 --> 00:14:57,158
represent the barbs
that Mark hurled at you.
378
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:58,993
Eventually, you will become numb
379
00:14:58,995 --> 00:15:01,829
to even the most agonizing
bites and scratches.
380
00:15:01,831 --> 00:15:04,966
[Laughs]
381
00:15:04,968 --> 00:15:06,134
Put him in the cat bag!
382
00:15:06,136 --> 00:15:08,302
- Mm.
- [Gasps]
383
00:15:08,304 --> 00:15:09,637
Ow! [Cats yowling]
384
00:15:09,639 --> 00:15:10,838
This doesn't make any sense!
385
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,574
Oh, this doesn't make any sense!
386
00:15:13,576 --> 00:15:15,810
[Siren wailing]
387
00:15:15,812 --> 00:15:18,379
Welcome to the director's
command bunker.
388
00:15:18,381 --> 00:15:21,582
Now that you've turned New York
into a denf roving maniacs,
389
00:15:21,584 --> 00:15:23,985
we have no choice
but to destroy the city.
390
00:15:23,987 --> 00:15:25,353
Let's get comfortable
391
00:15:25,355 --> 00:15:28,556
and watch these ass[bleep]
go up in flames!
392
00:15:28,558 --> 00:15:31,759
Step one:
We blow the moors the city.
393
00:15:31,761 --> 00:15:34,595
[Explosion]
394
00:15:34,597 --> 00:15:36,697
Step two: Activate bomb.
395
00:15:36,699 --> 00:15:38,232
[Device beeps]
396
00:15:38,234 --> 00:15:40,401
[All screaming]
397
00:15:40,403 --> 00:15:41,602
Help!
398
00:15:41,604 --> 00:15:42,937
The explosion
will send the city
399
00:15:42,939 --> 00:15:44,672
to the bottom of the sea,
400
00:15:44,674 --> 00:15:46,274
where it will join Atlantis
401
00:15:46,276 --> 00:15:48,709
in the watery grave
of failed liberal experiments.
402
00:15:48,711 --> 00:15:51,179
But the three of us
and Trish here
403
00:15:51,181 --> 00:15:53,447
will evacuate
and repopulate Manhattan
404
00:15:53,449 --> 00:15:55,883
in a government-subsidized
Iowa cornfield.
405
00:15:55,885 --> 00:15:59,887
Wait, you mean rebuild,
not repopulate, right?
406
00:15:59,889 --> 00:16:01,422
I get her on Friday nights.
407
00:16:01,424 --> 00:16:03,057
Geeh!
408
00:16:03,059 --> 00:16:06,060
I just need a chance
to reason with Goose Kevin.
409
00:16:06,062 --> 00:16:07,595
Fine.
410
00:16:07,597 --> 00:16:09,297
I'll indulge
your cute hippie fantasy,
411
00:16:09,299 --> 00:16:11,299
but the escape pod
leaves in an hour,
412
00:16:11,301 --> 00:16:12,567
with or without you.
413
00:16:12,569 --> 00:16:14,268
Here are your keys
414
00:16:14,270 --> 00:16:17,438
to the director's
top secret security vehicle.
415
00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:19,807
That's a Segway
with a plastic bubble over it.
416
00:16:19,809 --> 00:16:21,275
Keen eye, Lilly.
417
00:16:21,277 --> 00:16:25,112
[Sirens wailing]
418
00:16:25,114 --> 00:16:26,581
[Yells]
419
00:16:26,583 --> 00:16:29,650
Suck my balls!
Suck my balls! Suck my balls!
420
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,288
Now you're probably asking
yourself, "Why are we here,
421
00:16:34,290 --> 00:16:37,058
in the presidential suite
of the Waldorf Astoria?"
422
00:16:37,060 --> 00:16:40,561
I have a lot less curiosity
than you give me credit for.
423
00:16:40,563 --> 00:16:42,063
Because you're gonna
424
00:16:42,065 --> 00:16:43,865
conquer your fear
of heights and gravity...
425
00:16:43,867 --> 00:16:45,333
I don't fear heights
or gravity!
426
00:16:45,335 --> 00:16:49,237
While I conquer my fear
of sensual massage.
427
00:16:49,239 --> 00:16:51,172
Oh, God, it sounds scary
just saying it.
428
00:16:51,174 --> 00:16:53,007
I've had enough!
429
00:16:53,009 --> 00:16:55,509
Your program hasn't
taught me anything.
430
00:16:55,511 --> 00:16:57,745
I'm Twayne the bone raper,
431
00:16:57,747 --> 00:17:01,549
and I don't care what you,
Mark Lilly, or anyone else says!
432
00:17:01,551 --> 00:17:03,684
I'm through being pushed around!
433
00:17:03,686 --> 00:17:05,753
[Applause]
434
00:17:05,755 --> 00:17:07,521
- You've just completed
the last step:
435
00:17:07,523 --> 00:17:09,156
Telling me off.
436
00:17:09,158 --> 00:17:11,626
Congratulations, Twayne.
You've conquered fear.
437
00:17:11,628 --> 00:17:14,528
Now go conquer life!
438
00:17:14,530 --> 00:17:16,230
I'm stuck.
439
00:17:21,503 --> 00:17:25,973
Goose Kevin,
I'm here to apologize.
440
00:17:25,975 --> 00:17:27,742
I'm sorry, did someone fart
441
00:17:27,744 --> 00:17:30,011
and it came out
sounding like words?
442
00:17:30,013 --> 00:17:34,348
I didn't realize just
how important birthdays were,
443
00:17:34,350 --> 00:17:38,119
especially
Goose Kevin's birthday.
444
00:17:38,121 --> 00:17:40,254
But I think we can agree
445
00:17:40,256 --> 00:17:45,126
2/3 of the D.O.I. budget
for birthdays is insane, right?
446
00:17:45,128 --> 00:17:48,062
I sentence you
to a public pecking!
447
00:17:48,064 --> 00:17:49,463
Bread crumb him, boys!
448
00:17:49,465 --> 00:17:50,731
[Yelling]
449
00:17:50,733 --> 00:17:52,066
[Squawks]
450
00:17:52,068 --> 00:17:53,567
Oh, God.
451
00:17:53,569 --> 00:17:55,803
[Yells]
452
00:17:55,805 --> 00:17:57,138
Help!
453
00:17:58,553 --> 00:18:00,986
Ow, your beaks are so sharp.
I didn't know that.
454
00:18:00,987 --> 00:18:02,319
Ow!
455
00:18:02,321 --> 00:18:05,523
# Happy Birthday time
is here again #
456
00:18:05,892 --> 00:18:08,959
# it's birthday time
for you, my friend #
457
00:18:08,961 --> 00:18:15,533
# it's a very special day
for you, so #
458
00:18:15,535 --> 00:18:17,935
All: # blow out the candles
and have a piece of cake #
459
00:18:17,937 --> 00:18:21,405
# may your dreams come true
on the wish you make #
460
00:18:21,407 --> 00:18:24,208
# open up your presents
for goodness' sake #
461
00:18:24,210 --> 00:18:28,512
# our birthday friend
462
00:18:28,514 --> 00:18:31,949
# Goose Kevin
463
00:18:31,951 --> 00:18:35,219
I'm so sorry we missed
your birthday, Goose Kevin.
464
00:18:35,221 --> 00:18:37,388
[Grunts] Uh-oh.
465
00:18:37,390 --> 00:18:39,123
Look what I did.
466
00:18:39,125 --> 00:18:40,691
[Laughter]
467
00:18:40,693 --> 00:18:44,929
Never too early
or too late for a birthday!
468
00:18:44,931 --> 00:18:46,363
Let's party!
469
00:18:46,365 --> 00:18:48,299
[All cheering]
470
00:18:48,301 --> 00:18:50,968
Twayne, I take back
everything I said at your roast.
471
00:18:50,970 --> 00:18:53,571
I always thought you were
a do-nothing figurehead,
472
00:18:53,573 --> 00:18:56,040
but now I understand
that your schmoozing,
473
00:18:56,042 --> 00:18:58,809
buck-passing,
and refusal to rock the boat
474
00:18:58,811 --> 00:19:01,512
are exactly
what the position requires.
475
00:19:01,514 --> 00:19:03,380
I'd like to offer
my resignation.
476
00:19:03,382 --> 00:19:05,049
I'd be happy
to take my job back,
477
00:19:05,051 --> 00:19:06,417
after that thing is dealt with.
478
00:19:06,419 --> 00:19:08,886
Oh, God.
I forgot about the bomb!
479
00:19:08,888 --> 00:19:09,820
We're all gonna die!
480
00:19:09,822 --> 00:19:12,189
Did you learn nothing today?
481
00:19:12,191 --> 00:19:15,059
If you ignore a problem,
somebody else always solves it.
482
00:19:15,061 --> 00:19:17,995
All we have to do
is point it out.
483
00:19:17,997 --> 00:19:19,396
Oh, no!
484
00:19:19,398 --> 00:19:21,999
There's a bomb
in that briefcase!
485
00:19:22,001 --> 00:19:23,801
It's going to sink the city!
486
00:19:23,803 --> 00:19:25,903
[All screaming]
487
00:19:25,905 --> 00:19:30,207
I will fly the bomb
out of the city.
488
00:19:30,209 --> 00:19:33,711
No, you can't, Goose Kevin!
489
00:19:33,713 --> 00:19:36,413
It's your birthday!
490
00:19:36,415 --> 00:19:40,250
The Goose people will
rejoin the integration treaty
491
00:19:40,252 --> 00:19:42,987
under one condition:
492
00:19:42,989 --> 00:19:46,824
Never again
will anyone's birthday
493
00:19:46,826 --> 00:19:49,827
go uncelebrated.
494
00:19:49,829 --> 00:19:54,832
I solemnly swear
to uphold all birthdays.
495
00:19:54,834 --> 00:19:58,902
Remember me to your children.
496
00:19:58,904 --> 00:20:02,973
# Everybody has to die
497
00:20:02,975 --> 00:20:05,576
# baby, please don't cry #
498
00:20:05,578 --> 00:20:08,145
That is one heroic goose.
499
00:20:08,147 --> 00:20:10,914
# See you in a dream
500
00:20:10,916 --> 00:20:14,785
# that can be a lonely place
501
00:20:14,787 --> 00:20:17,421
# waiting there
to see your face #
502
00:20:17,423 --> 00:20:19,423
# baby, please don't #
503
00:20:19,425 --> 00:20:22,426
# baby, please don't take
too long #
504
00:20:22,428 --> 00:20:24,995
[Explosion]
505
00:20:24,997 --> 00:20:27,498
[All cheering]
Suck my balls!
506
00:20:28,877 --> 00:20:30,344
I say if it ain't broke,
507
00:20:30,464 --> 00:20:31,407
don't fix it.
508
00:20:31,527 --> 00:20:35,113
***with a cream cheese frosting, Guy.
509
00:20:35,233 --> 00:20:37,019
- Bummer.
- Kidding.
510
00:20:37,139 --> 00:20:39,602
You can't overdo ***.
511
00:20:41,224 --> 00:20:44,358
But sometimes, even if it is broke,
don't fix it.
512
00:20:44,650 --> 00:20:46,142
I'm 18!
513
00:20:47,572 --> 00:20:51,352
Because change isn't always necessarily
for the best.
514
00:20:52,950 --> 00:21:03,736
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com