1
00:00:01,403 --> 00:00:05,206
I dive into the infinite light
of self-creation.
2
00:00:07,043 --> 00:00:12,079
Beyond death, my voice
embraces the universe's song.
3
00:00:15,084 --> 00:00:16,484
A great man once said,
4
00:00:16,486 --> 00:00:20,421
"we have nothing to fear
but fear itself."
5
00:00:20,423 --> 00:00:24,681
Another said, "to conquer fear
is the beginning of wisdom."
6
00:00:24,780 --> 00:00:25,226
Problem is...
7
00:00:25,228 --> 00:00:27,094
Ow!
8
00:00:27,096 --> 00:00:30,097
I don't think they had as much
to be afraid of as we do.
9
00:00:35,337 --> 00:00:37,505
Ugh!
Cut! Cut!
10
00:00:37,507 --> 00:00:40,274
I am so sorry, Lady Hoo Ha.
11
00:00:40,276 --> 00:00:42,777
We'll get those sewn back on
right away.
12
00:00:42,779 --> 00:00:45,913
No, idiot.
That's my big finale.
13
00:00:45,915 --> 00:00:48,015
Where's your sense
of showmanship?
14
00:00:48,017 --> 00:00:50,985
Ugh, I wish I worked
for zombie Beyonce.
15
00:00:56,225 --> 00:00:57,458
Hello?
16
00:00:57,460 --> 00:00:58,793
Hello?
17
00:00:58,795 --> 00:01:00,795
Oh, uh, I'm Mark Lilly.
18
00:01:00,797 --> 00:01:02,630
I saw the Craigslist ad
about the apartment.
19
00:01:02,632 --> 00:01:05,499
Uh-huh.
Tell me a little bit about yourself.
20
00:01:05,501 --> 00:01:08,369
I'd like to hear a like,
a dislike,
21
00:01:08,371 --> 00:01:10,204
and your biggest turnoff.
22
00:01:10,206 --> 00:01:13,007
Okay.
Well, I like helping others,
23
00:01:13,009 --> 00:01:15,109
I dislike intolerance,
24
00:01:15,111 --> 00:01:17,812
and for my turnoff, I'm gonna
have to go with bare feet.
25
00:01:17,814 --> 00:01:22,249
- They're disgusting.
- Well, those are answers.
26
00:01:22,251 --> 00:01:24,151
You can write your number
on the sign-in sheet,
27
00:01:24,153 --> 00:01:25,353
and I'll be in touch.
28
00:01:25,355 --> 00:01:26,721
Oh. Right.
29
00:01:26,723 --> 00:01:28,389
Well, I should probably
get going anyway.
30
00:01:28,391 --> 00:01:31,425
I have my new hire orientation
down at the D.O.I.
31
00:01:31,427 --> 00:01:35,863
Whoa! Say what?
You work at the D.O.I.?
32
00:01:35,865 --> 00:01:37,632
What took you so long
to tell me?
33
00:01:37,634 --> 00:01:39,533
We just met 30 seconds ago.
34
00:01:39,535 --> 00:01:42,203
I am humbled to be
in your presence, sir.
35
00:01:42,205 --> 00:01:45,106
You provide an invaluable
service to this community
36
00:01:45,108 --> 00:01:46,941
and to society as a whole.
37
00:01:46,943 --> 00:01:48,476
Why, thank you.
38
00:01:48,478 --> 00:01:50,044
I'd like to think
I can make a difference.
39
00:01:50,046 --> 00:01:52,213
Pat yourself on the back,
Matt Lilly.
40
00:01:52,215 --> 00:01:53,481
Uh, Mark.
41
00:01:53,483 --> 00:01:55,216
You get to be my roommate.
42
00:01:55,218 --> 00:01:58,319
Well, I probably shouldn't commit
to the first place I've seen.
43
00:01:58,321 --> 00:02:01,489
I don't even know your name,
but what the heck?
44
00:02:01,491 --> 00:02:02,723
Let's do it.
45
00:02:02,725 --> 00:02:05,292
You seem like a guy who really
has his priorities in check.
46
00:02:05,294 --> 00:02:06,861
Yeah, I am that guy.
47
00:02:06,863 --> 00:02:08,629
I have a smokin' hot
soon-to-be girlfriend...
48
00:02:08,631 --> 00:02:09,964
Nice.
49
00:02:09,966 --> 00:02:11,465
- I've given up carbs...
- Cool.
50
00:02:11,467 --> 00:02:13,634
I haven't had a flare-up in months...
51
00:02:13,636 --> 00:02:15,269
- Oh.
- Yeah...
52
00:02:15,271 --> 00:02:18,439
The future's looking pretty bright
for Randall Skeffington.
53
00:02:19,676 --> 00:02:21,175
Oh, ice cream,
54
00:02:21,177 --> 00:02:23,310
if only your sweet
cooling sensation
55
00:02:23,312 --> 00:02:26,147
could be applied
to my itchy, lonely junk.
56
00:02:26,149 --> 00:02:28,449
Ugh, how many cartons did you
make it through last night?
57
00:02:28,451 --> 00:02:31,986
Twelve. Never sleeping really
plays hell with my diet.
58
00:02:31,988 --> 00:02:33,587
You know, Randall,
sometimes I miss
59
00:02:33,589 --> 00:02:36,357
the positive go-getter
I thought I moved in with.
60
00:02:36,359 --> 00:02:38,826
Shh.
The TV's talking.
61
00:02:40,263 --> 00:02:42,329
Tonight on abscess hollywood,
62
00:02:42,331 --> 00:02:44,465
everyone is going
"hey" to the "z"
63
00:02:44,467 --> 00:02:47,101
As zombie mania spreads
like my gonorrhea.
64
00:02:47,103 --> 00:02:51,472
Indeed, the news of pop sensation
Lady Hoo Ha going zombie
65
00:02:51,474 --> 00:02:54,608
has sent scores of her mindless fans
to do the same.
66
00:02:54,610 --> 00:02:56,644
We're all zombies anyway,
67
00:02:56,646 --> 00:03:00,881
so I'm just making the outside
match the inside, you know?
68
00:03:00,883 --> 00:03:02,416
That is so profound, Hoo Ha.
69
00:03:02,418 --> 00:03:03,918
I mean, don't you wish
70
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:06,187
that you didn't look
like a talking anus?
71
00:03:06,189 --> 00:03:07,822
What are you talking about?
72
00:03:07,824 --> 00:03:09,390
In the last week alone,
73
00:03:09,392 --> 00:03:10,825
New York's
department of integration
74
00:03:10,827 --> 00:03:14,195
has registered over 25,000
new zombies.
75
00:03:14,197 --> 00:03:17,298
I wouldn't want to work
at that place right now.
76
00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:19,700
- Yeah.
- Those guys are.
77
00:03:21,069 --> 00:03:24,238
As you may or may not
have noticed, Grimes,
78
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:25,973
the D.O.I. has been flooded
with zombies.
79
00:03:25,975 --> 00:03:27,408
Mm-hmm.
80
00:03:27,410 --> 00:03:30,244
- It's totally clogging the system.
- And clogging my nose.
81
00:03:30,246 --> 00:03:32,480
These zombies are giving me
the sneezies.
82
00:03:33,716 --> 00:03:36,417
Someone needs to hunt down
this Lady Hoo Ha idiot
83
00:03:36,419 --> 00:03:38,252
and convince her to renounce
going zombie.
84
00:03:38,254 --> 00:03:40,154
And by "convince," I mean "threaten."
85
00:03:40,156 --> 00:03:42,323
I'll do it,
not just because it's my job,
86
00:03:42,325 --> 00:03:45,326
but also because I find her
music to be derivative at best.
87
00:03:45,328 --> 00:03:47,128
Fine. Whatever.
88
00:03:47,130 --> 00:03:49,463
I mean, sure, it's got a beat,
and you can dance to it,
89
00:03:49,465 --> 00:03:50,898
But that doesn't make it art.
90
00:03:50,900 --> 00:03:52,600
We get it.
91
00:03:52,602 --> 00:03:54,502
Look, I'll listen to her songs
a few times a day,
92
00:03:54,504 --> 00:03:56,771
but will I still appreciate her
in ten years?
93
00:03:56,773 --> 00:03:57,938
I'm not so sure.
94
00:03:57,940 --> 00:03:59,940
Grimes, get out of here!
95
00:03:59,942 --> 00:04:01,509
Look, just 'cause I own
all of her albums
96
00:04:01,511 --> 00:04:03,310
and subscribe to her fan letter
97
00:04:03,312 --> 00:04:04,879
doesn't mean she's freakin'
Beethoven.
98
00:04:04,881 --> 00:04:06,180
Oh!
Whoa!
99
00:04:06,182 --> 00:04:08,182
Ow!
Ow!
100
00:04:08,184 --> 00:04:11,452
I'm okay. I'm okay.
101
00:04:11,454 --> 00:04:14,021
Hey, mister, you forgot this.
102
00:04:14,023 --> 00:04:17,758
- You keep it, kid.
- But I don't want it.
103
00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:21,529
Class, I'd like everyone to
welcome our new student, Carl.
104
00:04:21,531 --> 00:04:23,364
Can we have some subdued
applause?
105
00:04:24,700 --> 00:04:28,869
Carl recently went zombie
as part of the ongoing "z" craze.
106
00:04:28,871 --> 00:04:33,474
Any zombie who try to zombie me
I shoot with poor man's gun.
107
00:04:33,476 --> 00:04:35,042
We don't want to catch zombie,
Mark.
108
00:04:35,044 --> 00:04:36,944
Relax, everyone.
109
00:04:36,946 --> 00:04:41,081
You can't catch zombie
just by being near a zombie.
110
00:04:41,083 --> 00:04:44,451
How do you become a zombie, then?
From a toilet seat?
111
00:04:44,453 --> 00:04:46,720
You have to be bitten
by one, Erik.
112
00:04:46,722 --> 00:04:49,290
See, we need to clear up
these kinds of misconceptions
113
00:04:49,292 --> 00:04:52,760
by having a frank conversation
about zombies.
114
00:04:52,762 --> 00:04:55,462
So I'm canceling today's field trip
to the Yankee game.
115
00:04:58,801 --> 00:05:01,902
Not so long ago,
zombies were confined
116
00:05:01,904 --> 00:05:03,637
to an impoverished area
of New York
117
00:05:03,639 --> 00:05:05,472
known as Zombietown.
118
00:05:05,474 --> 00:05:07,675
But after the zombie wars
of the late '60s,
119
00:05:07,677 --> 00:05:10,778
zombies won civil rights,
and Zombietown became gentrified
120
00:05:10,780 --> 00:05:12,980
into one of the more charming
areas of the city.
121
00:05:12,982 --> 00:05:15,950
I looked at a loft in Zombietown.
Too many zipsters.
122
00:05:15,952 --> 00:05:17,451
Zombies have come a long way
123
00:05:17,453 --> 00:05:18,919
in the past few decades,
but it's still
124
00:05:18,921 --> 00:05:21,188
a very difficult life
filled with skin grafts,
125
00:05:21,190 --> 00:05:23,657
rotting limbs, watching
all your loved ones die
126
00:05:23,659 --> 00:05:26,961
as you linger on for eternity
as a walking corpse.
127
00:05:26,963 --> 00:05:29,663
- It's hard to rent a car.
- Bummer.
128
00:05:29,665 --> 00:05:31,432
Carl, you've been rather quiet.
129
00:05:31,434 --> 00:05:33,500
Would you like to share
your thoughts with the class?
130
00:05:33,502 --> 00:05:35,436
I just never had many friends,
131
00:05:35,438 --> 00:05:38,505
so when all these cool people
started goin' zombie,
132
00:05:38,507 --> 00:05:40,875
I thought doing it
would make me cool too.
133
00:05:40,877 --> 00:05:42,443
But now I'm lonelier than ever!
134
00:05:42,445 --> 00:05:44,445
Oh, man!
135
00:05:44,447 --> 00:05:46,347
What a freak.
136
00:05:46,349 --> 00:05:50,017
A lesson in the dangers of peer pressure.
I'll tell you what, Carl.
137
00:05:50,019 --> 00:05:52,519
I'll spend the day helping you
get used to your new lifestyle.
138
00:05:52,521 --> 00:05:53,787
All right?
How does that sound?
139
00:05:53,789 --> 00:05:55,656
What about the rest of us?
140
00:05:55,658 --> 00:05:58,225
Oh, I guess you can go
to that Yankee game after all.
141
00:06:01,410 --> 00:06:02,877
Yeah, Callie.
I'm with her now.
142
00:06:02,879 --> 00:06:04,612
Don't sweat it.
She's totally on board.
143
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:08,116
You're so right, Francis.
I do need to consider
144
00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:10,919
the effects my actions have
on my fans.
145
00:06:10,921 --> 00:06:14,089
I'll tell everyone
to stop going zombie at once.
146
00:06:14,091 --> 00:06:15,557
Glad we're on the same page,
Hoo Ha.
147
00:06:15,559 --> 00:06:18,326
- Can I call you Hoo Ha?
- Of course.
148
00:06:18,328 --> 00:06:21,362
While I'm here, I do have some
thoughts on your choreography.
149
00:06:21,364 --> 00:06:23,364
Mind if I show you some moves?
150
00:06:23,366 --> 00:06:26,868
We start with a pop, shimmy,
then lock, jazz hands,
151
00:06:26,870 --> 00:06:28,937
then pop, lock, back to the shimmy.
152
00:06:28,939 --> 00:06:31,940
Francis, those are amazing moves.
153
00:06:31,942 --> 00:06:34,275
You simply must be my
dance captain.
154
00:06:34,277 --> 00:06:36,778
- Hamburger.
- Hamburger?
155
00:06:36,780 --> 00:06:38,780
Hamburger. Hamburger.
156
00:06:38,782 --> 00:06:40,548
Hamburger. Hamburger.
157
00:06:40,550 --> 00:06:41,783
Hamburger.
158
00:06:41,785 --> 00:06:44,385
Hamburger.
159
00:06:44,387 --> 00:06:48,155
I don't have a hamburger.
Leave me alone.
160
00:06:49,225 --> 00:06:51,126
Carl, I've asked my roommate
Randall to come by
161
00:06:51,128 --> 00:06:54,062
and help us acclimate you
to life as a zombie american.
162
00:06:54,064 --> 00:06:55,997
Randall has been "z"
for well over a year now.
163
00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:57,899
I think you could learn
a lot from him.
164
00:06:57,901 --> 00:07:00,768
He sounds like a great guy.
I can't wait to meet him...
165
00:07:00,770 --> 00:07:02,470
For the first time in my life.
166
00:07:02,472 --> 00:07:03,805
What an odd thing to say.
167
00:07:03,807 --> 00:07:05,406
Okay, where's the fire?
168
00:07:05,408 --> 00:07:07,342
I bet Leonard I could jerk off
30 times in one day,
169
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:10,178
and I was just about to win--
twice.
170
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:13,114
Uh, Randall, I'd like
to introduce you to Carl.
171
00:07:13,116 --> 00:07:15,683
Carl is a new zombie
who could use a mentor.
172
00:07:15,685 --> 00:07:18,469
Hi, there. I'm Carl.
173
00:07:18,599 --> 00:07:20,855
- Mark has told me so much about you.
- I have?
174
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:24,726
You look kind of familiar.
Oh, braineaters anonymous, right?
175
00:07:24,728 --> 00:07:27,328
You're that dude that's always,
uh, cryin' like a little bitch?
176
00:07:27,330 --> 00:07:30,098
That really defeats the purpose
of "anonymous," Randall,
177
00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:32,400
but Carl just went "z" this week.
178
00:07:32,402 --> 00:07:34,002
There's no way
you could have met him.
179
00:07:35,771 --> 00:07:40,175
Dude, I need this hand
to do horrible things... remember?
180
00:07:40,177 --> 00:07:41,709
Carl, please let go of his hand.
181
00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:44,846
So, uh, Randall, you want
to grab a bite to eat? It's on me.
182
00:07:44,848 --> 00:07:46,514
Or it can be me.
J/K.
183
00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:50,051
Just trying out
some new zombie jokes.
184
00:07:51,521 --> 00:07:53,154
Yeah, well, don't ever
do that again.
185
00:07:53,156 --> 00:07:55,123
Sorry, Carl.
No time to dillydally.
186
00:07:55,125 --> 00:07:57,625
We need to find you a new job
that's zombie-appropriate.
187
00:07:57,627 --> 00:08:01,396
Yeah, I can hook him up
with the perfect job. I know a guy.
188
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:04,132
But first, if I could kindly
borrow somebody's hand lotion,
189
00:08:04,134 --> 00:08:07,268
I would prefer not to do
a Kansas City dry rub.
190
00:08:07,270 --> 00:08:10,138
Come on, the clock's ticking,
people.
191
00:08:11,907 --> 00:08:13,241
I don't know about this, Randall.
192
00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:15,843
Zombie pylon?
It seems dangerous.
193
00:08:15,845 --> 00:08:18,246
Do you want my help or not?
This job is great.
194
00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,048
You get paid to stand around
all day,
195
00:08:20,050 --> 00:08:22,016
and everyone looks great
in a vest.
196
00:08:22,018 --> 00:08:23,218
Ooh!
197
00:08:23,220 --> 00:08:26,054
My arm!
198
00:08:26,056 --> 00:08:28,389
First of all,
vest still totally works,
199
00:08:28,391 --> 00:08:30,158
and I can get you a new arm,
dude.
200
00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,093
Just give me 50 bucks
and don't ask any questions.
201
00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:34,028
I only have three 20s.
202
00:08:34,030 --> 00:08:35,563
You know what?
Just take it all.
203
00:08:35,565 --> 00:08:36,931
Carl, put your wallet away.
204
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:39,167
Look, I am so sorry
about your arm.
205
00:08:39,169 --> 00:08:41,436
Asking Randall to help
was clearly a mistake.
206
00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:44,172
Oh, am I not being
helpful enough for you?
207
00:08:44,174 --> 00:08:47,909
I take time
out of my very busy day--
208
00:08:47,911 --> 00:08:51,579
my vigorous, vigorous day--
to give you advice,
209
00:08:51,581 --> 00:08:53,381
and now it's not good enough.
210
00:08:53,383 --> 00:08:54,849
You know, Mark...
211
00:08:54,851 --> 00:08:56,117
he does have a point.
212
00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:57,685
He just cost you an arm!
213
00:08:57,687 --> 00:09:00,054
Oh, so it's my fault, Mark?
214
00:09:00,056 --> 00:09:03,424
Or is it your fault
for listening to my bad advice?
215
00:09:03,426 --> 00:09:05,360
Who is to say?
I got to go.
216
00:09:05,362 --> 00:09:07,395
Come on, Carl.
Let's get you to your new home.
217
00:09:07,397 --> 00:09:11,332
Maybe to a hospital first.
218
00:09:12,701 --> 00:09:14,736
No groaning,
no foot-dragging,
219
00:09:14,738 --> 00:09:16,204
and the front doors lock at 8:00.
220
00:09:16,206 --> 00:09:18,873
Rent is $2,000 a month.
Never call me.
221
00:09:18,875 --> 00:09:20,608
Well, this is it.
222
00:09:20,610 --> 00:09:24,579
You're a fully integrated zombie
american now. Congratulations.
223
00:09:24,581 --> 00:09:27,815
To be honest, this is still
very new and scary.
224
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:29,651
I don't feel integrated.
225
00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:31,786
We spent five hours together.
226
00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:33,788
That's how long integration
takes, okay?
227
00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:36,658
If you have any issues, my group
sessions are every morning.
228
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:37,992
Bring your own donuts.
229
00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:39,827
Okay.
230
00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:42,830
I guess I'll just think
about the arm I lost today
231
00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:45,266
until I cry myself to sleep.
232
00:09:45,268 --> 00:09:48,770
Listen, swing by my place
tomorrow after work.
233
00:09:48,772 --> 00:09:52,607
- Let me see how you're doing.
- Thanks so much, Mark.
234
00:09:52,609 --> 00:09:55,343
You don't know
how much this means to me.
235
00:09:55,345 --> 00:10:00,181
Okay, this amount of contact
definitely violates D.O.I. policy.
236
00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:03,051
In accordance with human
resources guidelines,
237
00:10:03,053 --> 00:10:06,387
I am now going to back away
awkwardly.
238
00:10:06,389 --> 00:10:08,823
Okay, then.
See you tomorrow.
239
00:10:08,825 --> 00:10:12,593
See you then...
Mark Lilly.
240
00:10:18,968 --> 00:10:22,488
And no maniacal laughter, either.
241
00:10:24,258 --> 00:10:26,792
* When the truth is found *
242
00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:29,161
* to be lies... *
243
00:10:29,163 --> 00:10:31,663
Damn it!
Carl, I'm telling you, man,
244
00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:33,332
there is no point in playing this
245
00:10:33,334 --> 00:10:35,267
if you can't pull your weight
on the drums.
246
00:10:35,269 --> 00:10:38,199
I'm sorry, Mark, it's just
a little difficult with this...
247
00:10:38,276 --> 00:10:39,771
the one arm and all.
248
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,874
I don't hear the guy
from Def Leppard complaining.
249
00:10:41,876 --> 00:10:44,109
I'm sorry, Randall.
I won't mess up again.
250
00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:45,410
See that you don't.
251
00:10:45,412 --> 00:10:47,713
Maybe I should just pop in a movie.
252
00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:49,248
Do you have must love dogs?
253
00:10:49,250 --> 00:10:51,283
Oh, jeez, do I have...
254
00:10:51,285 --> 00:10:53,685
the best John Cusack
romantic comedy ever made?
255
00:10:53,687 --> 00:10:56,516
I guess it kind of depends on
if you want to see it
256
00:10:56,678 --> 00:11:00,692
on bluray, dvd, or laserdisc, bro.
You tell me.
257
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:03,164
You tell me if I have
must love dogs.
258
00:11:03,199 --> 00:11:04,448
You like that crap too?
259
00:11:04,483 --> 00:11:07,298
Pfft, for my money,
nothing beats Cusack,
260
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:08,900
except maybe Tyler Perry.
261
00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:11,836
Wait.
You are also a Perryhead?
262
00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:13,371
Oh, jesus.
Here we go.
263
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:15,006
Of course!
264
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,875
He's the only person
in showbiz who is...
265
00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:19,477
Able to seamlessly blend
comedy and melodrama
266
00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:21,379
while accurately
and respectfully portraying
267
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:24,382
the black experience
in contemporary america!
268
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:26,886
- Yes!
- Hmm...
269
00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:29,921
Oh, man.
Thanks for hangin' out, Mark.
270
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:32,657
- I had a lot of fun today.
- Me too, Carl.
271
00:11:32,659 --> 00:11:34,659
We have way more in common
than I expected.
272
00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:37,595
Speaking of which, thanks
for recommending serendipity.
273
00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:39,631
Don't know how that one
slipped by me.
274
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:44,869
Hey, thanks for letting Carl
hang out here today.
275
00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:47,605
He's having a tough go
adjusting to zombiehood.
276
00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:49,207
Don't worry about it.
277
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:53,311
- Is there something on your mind?
- I don't like this "Carl."
278
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:55,146
There's something off
about him.
279
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,081
Oh, come on.
He's harmless.
280
00:11:57,083 --> 00:12:00,485
A little awkward, maybe,
but impeccable taste in movies--
281
00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:02,754
I'm just saying, what do you
really know about this guy?
282
00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:04,255
You can't trust zombies,Mark.
283
00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:06,224
Trust me on that one.
Trust me.
284
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,859
Yello.
285
00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:09,427
Mark, you'll never believe
286
00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:11,196
who I'm friends with now--
Lady Hoo Ha.
287
00:12:11,198 --> 00:12:13,765
We're in her tour bus
right outside your apartment.
288
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:15,033
You should join the fun.
289
00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:16,534
Where are you?
290
00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:19,037
Parked on the corner.
Hurry on down.
291
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:20,972
We're gonna have a hookah party.
Hamburger.
292
00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:22,607
Okay.
293
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:24,042
I taste almonds.
294
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:26,778
Where are you going?
295
00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:28,813
To hang out with Carl
and his stupid name?
296
00:12:28,815 --> 00:12:30,348
I'm gonna go check on Grimes.
297
00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:31,716
I'm pretty sure
he's having a stroke.
298
00:12:31,718 --> 00:12:33,818
But since you asked,
299
00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:36,487
yes, Carl and I are meeting
later for Froyo.
300
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:39,257
Carl's creepy, Mark.
And that's coming from a guy
301
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:43,628
who jerked off 60 times
to win a bet.
302
00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:49,834
* Caught me by surprise
but I found a friend in you *
303
00:12:49,836 --> 00:12:51,769
* I guess we're on our way
to do what best friends do *
304
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:54,974
Um, can I just get a neck massage?
305
00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:57,942
* This feels so right *
306
00:12:57,944 --> 00:13:01,145
* I'm so alive
even though you're dead *
307
00:13:01,147 --> 00:13:02,780
* are you my new best friend? *
308
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,415
* are you my
new best friend? *
309
00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:05,950
* are you my new best friend? *
310
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:09,988
Jeez, these arms cost
both an arm and a leg.
311
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,422
Get out.
312
00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:13,825
* are you my new best friend? *
313
00:13:13,827 --> 00:13:15,994
* are you my new
best friend? *
314
00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:18,129
Whew, what a movie.
315
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:20,498
For a minute, things were
looking a little rocky
316
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:23,234
for the cus, then bam!
Happy ending.
317
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,636
I didn't see that one coming.
318
00:13:24,638 --> 00:13:28,973
Carl, I believe this may be
the start of a beautiful friendship.
319
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:31,809
So you're my friend?
320
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:34,912
Well, technically,
you're still my case file,
321
00:13:34,914 --> 00:13:37,715
but I guess there aren't any
rules against us being friends.
322
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:39,884
Because I'm going out
in my fishing boat this weekend,
323
00:13:39,886 --> 00:13:42,020
and I'd really love it
if you came with.
324
00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:46,124
Just two guys hangin' out alone
over the deep, deep water,
325
00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:47,892
not another soul around
for miles...
326
00:13:47,894 --> 00:13:50,695
You know... fishing.
327
00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:53,398
Well, I do technically
consider fishing murder.
328
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:54,899
But what the hell?
I'm in.
329
00:13:58,071 --> 00:14:00,705
Listen, Hoo Ha,
if you want a duet,
330
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:02,540
you have to pay attention
to the harmonies.
331
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:06,511
Now, if I sing up here,
where do you need to be?
332
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:08,813
Exactly!
333
00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:10,548
Now let's try this again
on my count.
334
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:12,317
Two, three, four...
335
00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:14,519
* Your romancin's *
336
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:16,421
* got me dancin' *
337
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:18,222
* like a prancin' *
338
00:14:18,224 --> 00:14:19,490
* Ted Danson *
339
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:23,628
What the
happened to Grimes?
340
00:14:27,099 --> 00:14:29,667
Oof!
This is really heavy!
341
00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:30,902
What do you have in here?
342
00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:33,705
Just, uh, fishing supplies.
343
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:36,174
Wow, you must take this
really seriously.
344
00:14:36,176 --> 00:14:37,408
Oh, whoopsie daisy.
345
00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:43,915
- This is fishing equipment?
- Of course.
346
00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:47,585
This is for tying the ship
to the dock.
347
00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:51,789
This is for, uh, gutting
our catch.
348
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:55,793
This is a flare gun
in case we get stranded,
349
00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:58,863
and these are for the engine.
350
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:00,631
Oh.
What about the candlestick?
351
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,533
That's for...
352
00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:04,135
ambience?
353
00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:06,637
What a classy touch.
That's good thinking, Carl.
354
00:15:06,639 --> 00:15:08,406
Now, where are
your life vests?
355
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:11,943
Any worthy sea vessel must have
personal floatation devices.
356
00:15:11,945 --> 00:15:15,980
I'm just a stickler for the rules.
That, and I can't swim.
357
00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:19,884
- Here you go.
- Cool.
358
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,888
Well, we better
hit the hay, buddy.
359
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,723
We have a big day
ahead of us.
360
00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:28,326
Time to catch some...
"z"s.
361
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,596
No pun intended.
362
00:15:32,832 --> 00:15:36,334
Ah, no pun... offended.
363
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,707
What do you mean,
you're quitting?
364
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,175
That's right, titsy.
365
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:45,877
I'm going on the road
with Lady Hoo Ha.
366
00:15:45,879 --> 00:15:47,478
I'm her new songwriter,
choreographer,
367
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,614
manager, set designer, stylist,
368
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,015
head roadie, dance shoe cobbler,
369
00:15:51,017 --> 00:15:53,251
drug pusher,
second-chair violinist,
370
00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:54,852
copyright lawyer,
flower gardener,
371
00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:57,422
brazilian waxer,
and sexual plaything!
372
00:15:57,424 --> 00:15:59,991
Ooh, can you get
us backstage passes?
373
00:15:59,993 --> 00:16:01,759
That all goes through
my intern's assistant.
374
00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:03,327
What the hell would
375
00:16:03,329 --> 00:16:06,097
a megastar like Lady Hoo Ha
see in you anyway?
376
00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:08,299
Ask her yourself.
377
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:12,336
Jesus!
378
00:16:12,338 --> 00:16:13,504
Give 'em the scoop, Lady.
379
00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:16,374
Oh, no, you didn't!
380
00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:20,211
Grimes, do you think
this bird is Lady Hoo Ha?
381
00:16:20,213 --> 00:16:21,980
What bird?
382
00:16:22,282 --> 00:16:24,849
No!
I want to be a rock star!
383
00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:26,551
Why are you doing this?
384
00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:29,854
I really wanted
those backstage passes.
385
00:16:32,224 --> 00:16:34,792
Man, I have not gotten
a single nibble.
386
00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:37,862
You should really consider
putting a worm on the hook.
387
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:41,299
Carl, I've told you several times,
that is homicide.
388
00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:43,134
So...
389
00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:44,469
is...
390
00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:45,703
this!
391
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:47,038
No!
392
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,473
My safety attire!
393
00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:49,874
Agh!
394
00:16:54,879 --> 00:16:58,223
Hey! What did I say to you
about maniacal laughter?
395
00:17:00,099 --> 00:17:02,308
Hey, sudoku is boring as shit.
396
00:17:02,428 --> 00:17:05,721
What is that? Punishment
*** for googling the word "freedom"?
397
00:17:05,841 --> 00:17:07,247
When is Mark getting home?
398
00:17:07,367 --> 00:17:09,642
How about never?
399
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:11,811
Carl, what are you doing here?
400
00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:14,191
I am the rightful heir
401
00:17:14,311 --> 00:17:18,720
to your current now past
roommate's bedroom.
402
00:17:18,942 --> 00:17:20,845
Okay, right, but here's the thing.
403
00:17:20,965 --> 00:17:22,879
What the fuck are you talking about?
404
00:17:22,999 --> 00:17:26,242
I am talking about saying
good-bye to Mark Lilly
405
00:17:26,362 --> 00:17:28,637
and hello to your new roommate,
406
00:17:29,444 --> 00:17:30,858
me!
407
00:17:30,978 --> 00:17:35,103
Awesome guy, looking to
share upscale apartment,
408
00:17:35,223 --> 00:17:38,617
no kids, pets or actresses?
409
00:17:38,737 --> 00:17:41,090
My old Craigslist ad for the apartment!
410
00:17:41,210 --> 00:17:43,271
I knew you look familiar.
411
00:17:44,410 --> 00:17:49,694
And for turn-off, I'd have to say
people who won't be my friend.
412
00:17:49,814 --> 00:17:52,215
Believe it or not, that's the
least creepy answer so far.
413
00:17:52,335 --> 00:17:54,721
Write your number on the signing
sheet and I'll be in touch.
414
00:17:55,109 --> 00:17:57,363
I waited weeks for that call.
415
00:17:57,483 --> 00:18:00,151
Even put a hold on my
promising actiong career.
416
00:18:00,271 --> 00:18:01,726
The second I met you
417
00:18:01,846 --> 00:18:04,521
I knew you were the best
friend I never had.
418
00:18:04,641 --> 00:18:05,943
You mean the only friend?
419
00:18:06,063 --> 00:18:09,119
You were col, laid back, confident.
420
00:18:09,239 --> 00:18:10,936
Everything I wasn't.
421
00:18:11,056 --> 00:18:14,524
But when I found out you rented
th eroom to someone else,
422
00:18:14,644 --> 00:18:16,619
I was devastated.
423
00:18:16,739 --> 00:18:21,467
I vowed to find out what
he had that I didn't.
424
00:18:21,587 --> 00:18:24,448
I spent 2 years spying on Mark Lilly,
425
00:18:24,568 --> 00:18:28,565
discovering his terrible
taste in entertainment,
426
00:18:28,685 --> 00:18:30,459
his affinity for bowling,
427
00:18:30,794 --> 00:18:33,835
even his inexplicable love for eggs.
428
00:18:34,132 --> 00:18:35,634
What is that?
429
00:18:35,857 --> 00:18:37,470
When the zombie craze hit,
430
00:18:37,590 --> 00:18:40,802
I finally got an excuse
to get into Mark's class.
431
00:18:41,026 --> 00:18:45,915
I used the information I had gathered
to gain his trust.
432
00:18:46,035 --> 00:18:49,332
So I could lore him to his death.
433
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:51,212
Wait, you killed him?
434
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:55,692
Randall, don't you deserve a roomate,
who would kill for you?
435
00:18:55,804 --> 00:18:59,268
Well, now that you put it that way,
how did you credit?
436
00:18:59,504 --> 00:19:02,873
Freeze, dirtbag! You're under
arrest for zombie impersonation.
437
00:19:03,078 --> 00:19:06,083
- What about trying to murder me?
- That's a less charge.
438
00:19:06,186 --> 00:19:08,081
Mark! But how?
439
00:19:08,218 --> 00:19:10,830
I must admit, you did a good job
for getting my trust, Carl.
440
00:19:10,935 --> 00:19:13,487
But you made one crucial mistake.
441
00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:15,378
Oh, great!
Here comes another flasback.
442
00:19:15,538 --> 00:19:19,894
We have a big day ahead of us.
Time to catch some "z"s.
443
00:19:19,990 --> 00:19:25,227
Anyone, who has lived with a zombie
knows, zombies don't sleep.
444
00:19:25,339 --> 00:19:27,308
Never sleeping really place
how old my diet.
445
00:19:27,462 --> 00:19:30,412
That was the smoking gun.
Although in retrospect...
446
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:33,385
I should've been more suspicious
of how much you liked Randall.
447
00:19:33,489 --> 00:19:35,293
Hey!
Why is that suspicious?
448
00:19:35,388 --> 00:19:38,547
Not fast I made water wings
under my fishing vest,
449
00:19:38,660 --> 00:19:42,798
after you pushed me over the board,
I gently floated my way to safety.
450
00:19:43,090 --> 00:19:45,518
- But how did you get back to... ?
- No more flashbacks!
451
00:19:45,632 --> 00:19:47,309
You have a date in State Pen.
452
00:19:47,416 --> 00:19:50,591
Wait, wait!
Randall, just tell me why.
453
00:19:50,726 --> 00:19:52,940
Why did you choose him over me?
454
00:19:53,047 --> 00:19:55,438
Yeah, funny story about that.
455
00:19:55,676 --> 00:19:57,932
Mark told me he worked
in the D.O.I.
456
00:19:58,029 --> 00:20:01,065
I naturally thought he maent
"Dungeon of Intercourse".
457
00:20:01,182 --> 00:20:02,995
That's sex club in Hell's Kitchen.
458
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,991
- Wait, what?
- Yeah, that would've been sweet, man.
459
00:20:05,067 --> 00:20:08,808
Anyway, turned out it's some
stupid government thing. My bad.
460
00:20:08,901 --> 00:20:11,246
I lost it all for you,
you bastard!
461
00:20:12,824 --> 00:20:17,736
They say the secret to a happy life is,
knowing when to embrace change...
462
00:20:18,004 --> 00:20:22,510
Sorry Lady Hoo Ha, but zombies are out,
and werewolves are totally in.
463
00:20:22,625 --> 00:20:25,658
Check out Rihanna's foxy new look.
464
00:20:25,863 --> 00:20:30,389
- She can bite me... anytime she wants.
- You are repellent.
465
00:20:30,516 --> 00:20:32,831
...when to hold on to the past.
466
00:20:32,926 --> 00:20:34,767
Oh, Randall.
467
00:20:34,948 --> 00:20:38,257
And, when to just appreciate,
what you've got.
468
00:20:38,390 --> 00:20:41,718
I can't believe you thought I worked
in some gross sex club.
469
00:20:41,814 --> 00:20:44,335
What do you want, man?
I thought you'll be able to get me in for free.
470
00:20:44,426 --> 00:20:47,430
Well, I'm sorry you don't get any
selfish perks from my job.
471
00:20:47,495 --> 00:20:48,858
I wouldn't say that.
472
00:20:48,859 --> 00:20:51,584
I've been *** of your health
care since day one.
473
00:20:51,704 --> 00:20:56,747
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