1 00:00:04,693 --> 00:00:08,529 Most of us spend our lives trying to avoid danger. 2 00:00:12,268 --> 00:00:13,534 Yeah, he's clean. 3 00:00:13,536 --> 00:00:15,503 Where's Sabrina? 4 00:00:15,505 --> 00:00:17,405 Good to see you, Harlan. 5 00:00:17,407 --> 00:00:19,707 Hey, I'm here too, you know. 6 00:00:19,709 --> 00:00:21,042 - Shut up, Melvin. - Uh, yes, ma'am. 7 00:00:21,044 --> 00:00:22,576 Enough small talk. 8 00:00:22,578 --> 00:00:24,679 Let's get our drug deal on. 9 00:00:24,681 --> 00:00:27,882 But for others, danger is a way of life. 10 00:00:27,884 --> 00:00:30,718 Now, it's just a simple matter of me handing you 11 00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:34,221 this very incriminating briefcase full of money. 12 00:00:35,992 --> 00:00:37,458 Ahh! 13 00:00:37,460 --> 00:00:39,160 My delicate balance! 14 00:00:39,162 --> 00:00:40,728 Whoa! Thump! 15 00:00:40,730 --> 00:00:42,296 Ceiling cop! Scatter! 16 00:00:42,298 --> 00:00:43,731 - Let's go! - I'm out of here! 17 00:00:43,733 --> 00:00:46,033 I wish I had my own body. 18 00:00:46,035 --> 00:00:48,302 You just ruined a three-year operation 19 00:00:48,304 --> 00:00:50,905 and a half a bucket of ceiling-colored skin paint. 20 00:00:50,907 --> 00:00:53,040 You're under arrest for police interference! 21 00:00:53,042 --> 00:00:55,076 Every time I have to jump, 22 00:00:55,078 --> 00:00:56,844 that's another count of resisting arrest. 23 00:00:56,846 --> 00:00:58,379 One. 24 00:00:58,381 --> 00:00:59,880 Two. 25 00:00:59,882 --> 00:01:01,649 Ah. Three. 26 00:01:05,655 --> 00:01:08,756 Organized crime has made a disturbing comeback in New York 27 00:01:08,758 --> 00:01:11,659 to the dismay of law-abiding citizens 28 00:01:11,661 --> 00:01:14,095 but to the delight of local news anchors. 29 00:01:14,097 --> 00:01:17,198 For reaction, here are some randomly chosen idiots. 30 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:18,699 You know, it's a little scary, 31 00:01:18,701 --> 00:01:20,401 but it's also, like, kind of exciting. 32 00:01:20,403 --> 00:01:22,536 - It's like that movie. - Goodfellas? 33 00:01:22,538 --> 00:01:25,106 - No, the other one. - The Godfather? 34 00:01:25,108 --> 00:01:27,108 No, it's the one with the guy. You know, the fat guy? 35 00:01:27,110 --> 00:01:28,976 Keep trying. You'll get it. 36 00:01:28,978 --> 00:01:31,345 So you're not worried about the increase in organized crime. 37 00:01:31,347 --> 00:01:32,947 Nope. 38 00:01:32,949 --> 00:01:34,582 Say, uh, what's this going on behind you? 39 00:01:34,584 --> 00:01:35,883 Don't worry about it. 40 00:01:35,885 --> 00:01:38,018 Sources say that the gang of cat burglars 41 00:01:38,020 --> 00:01:39,887 responsible for the violence is led by 42 00:01:39,889 --> 00:01:42,690 shadowy underworld figure Sabrina Maroni 43 00:01:42,692 --> 00:01:45,659 as seen here in this unnecessarily sexy mug shot. 44 00:01:45,661 --> 00:01:47,328 Randall, why are you wearing a suit? 45 00:01:47,330 --> 00:01:49,463 Are you actually going to leave the apartment today? 46 00:01:49,465 --> 00:01:51,966 I'm shooting a test tape for my new TV show idea. 47 00:01:51,968 --> 00:01:53,434 Here's the pitch: 48 00:01:53,436 --> 00:01:55,202 I pick up people in a town car 49 00:01:55,204 --> 00:01:58,406 and I get them to say terrible things on hidden camera 50 00:01:58,408 --> 00:01:59,907 when they're drunk and vulnerable. 51 00:01:59,909 --> 00:02:02,510 I call it Town Car Confessions. 52 00:02:02,512 --> 00:02:05,579 Uh, that sounds a lot like the old HBO series 53 00:02:05,581 --> 00:02:07,281 Taxi Cab Confessions. 54 00:02:07,283 --> 00:02:10,618 No, dude, this is completely different. 55 00:02:10,620 --> 00:02:14,255 If anything, it's derivative of Golf Cart Confessions. 56 00:02:15,524 --> 00:02:16,891 Hi there, everyone. 57 00:02:16,893 --> 00:02:18,859 We have a new member joining us today. 58 00:02:18,861 --> 00:02:21,529 Teacher, before you introduce new member, 59 00:02:21,531 --> 00:02:24,031 why is filthy Bat Boy here? 60 00:02:24,033 --> 00:02:26,167 Warren, this is our new member. 61 00:02:26,169 --> 00:02:28,602 I've decided to call him Bruce. 62 00:02:28,604 --> 00:02:30,137 Give him a warm welcome. 63 00:02:30,139 --> 00:02:32,306 - No! - Kill it! 64 00:02:32,308 --> 00:02:35,142 Guys, relax, he's just a harmless Bat Boy. 65 00:02:35,144 --> 00:02:36,410 Chomp! Ow! 66 00:02:36,412 --> 00:02:37,912 Ah, damn it, Bruce. 67 00:02:39,248 --> 00:02:40,714 Ah! Uh! 68 00:02:40,716 --> 00:02:41,949 Yah! 69 00:02:41,951 --> 00:02:43,217 Thwack! Uh! 70 00:02:43,219 --> 00:02:45,052 Uh! Ah! Dyuh! Yah! 71 00:02:45,054 --> 00:02:48,122 Yah, die, you bastard. 72 00:02:48,124 --> 00:02:49,256 Uh! Had enough? 73 00:02:49,258 --> 00:02:50,424 Yah! Uh! 74 00:02:52,795 --> 00:02:53,961 Ah, I think he's dead. 75 00:02:53,963 --> 00:02:55,296 Sorry, everyone. 76 00:02:55,298 --> 00:02:57,031 I knew he'd attack you, 77 00:02:57,033 --> 00:02:59,033 but I'm only allowed to kill them if they bite someone. 78 00:02:59,035 --> 00:03:00,234 What? 79 00:03:00,236 --> 00:03:01,368 Now, Bat Boy venom 80 00:03:01,370 --> 00:03:03,137 is extremely dangerous and unpredictable, 81 00:03:03,139 --> 00:03:05,039 so please show me where you were bit 82 00:03:05,041 --> 00:03:07,475 so I can cut off the appendage before it spreads. 83 00:03:07,477 --> 00:03:09,977 Right here. 84 00:03:09,979 --> 00:03:11,545 Thanks! 85 00:03:11,547 --> 00:03:13,514 How 'bout you, Dr. Frasier Crane? 86 00:03:13,516 --> 00:03:15,115 - I'm okay. - Great. 87 00:03:15,117 --> 00:03:17,384 Now, as long as I have my machete out, 88 00:03:17,386 --> 00:03:18,619 who wants a haircut? 89 00:03:18,621 --> 00:03:21,121 Take a little off the top. 90 00:03:23,258 --> 00:03:24,625 The hustler club, please. 91 00:03:24,627 --> 00:03:26,494 You got it. 92 00:03:26,496 --> 00:03:29,864 Say, aren't you that guy from The Shawshank Redemption? 93 00:03:29,866 --> 00:03:32,700 Indeed. I am he, Morgan Freeman. 94 00:03:32,702 --> 00:03:35,236 Well, that must've been a fun movie to work on, huh? 95 00:03:35,238 --> 00:03:37,104 It was a waking nightmare. 96 00:03:37,106 --> 00:03:39,206 The director, Frank Darabont, 97 00:03:39,208 --> 00:03:41,408 treated the set like his own personal prison. 98 00:03:41,410 --> 00:03:44,645 By the fourth day, Tim Robbins had shivved the gaffer 99 00:03:44,647 --> 00:03:46,413 for disrespecting his homies. 100 00:03:46,415 --> 00:03:49,283 We buried him in a shallow, unmarked grave 101 00:03:49,285 --> 00:03:51,185 and vowed never to speak of it again. 102 00:03:51,187 --> 00:03:53,721 Good to know, Morgan. So here's the thing. 103 00:03:53,723 --> 00:03:57,057 I've been taping this entire conversation for a TV series. 104 00:03:57,059 --> 00:03:58,792 I am aware. 105 00:03:58,794 --> 00:04:02,305 I was on season four of Golf Cart Confessions. 106 00:04:06,335 --> 00:04:10,004 I haven't felt this bad since Randall made me watch Entourage. 107 00:04:10,006 --> 00:04:12,039 Hey, buddy, watch where you're going, huh? 108 00:04:12,041 --> 00:04:13,173 What's that? 109 00:04:13,175 --> 00:04:14,508 I said, 110 00:04:14,510 --> 00:04:16,443 watch where you're going, pal. 111 00:04:16,445 --> 00:04:17,912 How can I hear that? 112 00:04:22,919 --> 00:04:24,151 Crash! 113 00:04:24,153 --> 00:04:25,419 Give me your purse. 114 00:04:25,421 --> 00:04:26,820 Now! 115 00:04:26,822 --> 00:04:28,289 Anything. Just don't hurt me. 116 00:04:28,291 --> 00:04:29,590 Crime alley... 117 00:04:29,592 --> 00:04:30,791 I'm going to have to have a chat 118 00:04:30,793 --> 00:04:32,293 with urban planning about that name. 119 00:04:32,295 --> 00:04:34,228 Okay, Lilly, 120 00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:36,931 you've made a citizen's arrest thousands of times-- 121 00:04:36,933 --> 00:04:38,332 in your imagination. 122 00:04:38,334 --> 00:04:40,601 Dr. Bland, don't let me down. 123 00:04:40,603 --> 00:04:42,269 Give me that! 124 00:04:42,271 --> 00:04:45,906 A discover card? What the hell is wrong with you? 125 00:04:45,908 --> 00:04:49,276 It has a cash back bonus and no annual fee. 126 00:04:49,278 --> 00:04:51,612 But where is it accepted? 127 00:04:51,614 --> 00:04:53,614 Nowhere! 128 00:04:53,616 --> 00:04:55,950 But it still pays to discover... 129 00:04:55,952 --> 00:04:57,151 Justice? 130 00:04:57,153 --> 00:04:58,252 Huh? 131 00:04:58,254 --> 00:05:00,854 Ahh! 132 00:05:00,856 --> 00:05:03,324 I'm mildly irritated! 133 00:05:03,326 --> 00:05:05,259 I'll kill you. 134 00:05:05,261 --> 00:05:07,494 Uh, ah-- 135 00:05:09,298 --> 00:05:11,432 Ah! Ah! 136 00:05:11,434 --> 00:05:13,801 I'm going to turn my life around. 137 00:05:13,803 --> 00:05:17,605 Whew, that cleared my sinuses out. 138 00:05:17,607 --> 00:05:19,306 Thanks for saving me, 139 00:05:19,308 --> 00:05:22,309 but you should know your eyebrows just fell off. 140 00:05:22,311 --> 00:05:25,145 Indeed they did. 141 00:05:30,086 --> 00:05:32,486 Mua-ha-ha-ha. 142 00:05:34,756 --> 00:05:36,557 My God! 143 00:05:36,559 --> 00:05:38,692 I'm turning into a Bat Boy. 144 00:05:38,694 --> 00:05:42,129 Or...Steve Buscemi. 145 00:05:42,131 --> 00:05:44,198 Well, if I have to cover my face anyway, 146 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:45,799 I might as well be fighting crime 147 00:05:45,801 --> 00:05:48,802 or become a Mexican wrestler. 148 00:05:48,804 --> 00:05:50,371 Ah, you know what? Let's fight crime. 149 00:06:00,750 --> 00:06:03,651 # Hm hm hm... # 150 00:06:03,653 --> 00:06:05,452 It's ready. 151 00:06:05,454 --> 00:06:07,588 Or...it will be, 152 00:06:07,590 --> 00:06:09,690 once I give it a good steam clean, 153 00:06:09,692 --> 00:06:11,558 maybe a once-over with the lint roller. 154 00:06:12,927 --> 00:06:15,362 Welcome to this hostage standoff. 155 00:06:15,364 --> 00:06:16,964 May I take your demands? 156 00:06:16,966 --> 00:06:18,699 We'll have a bus to the airport, 157 00:06:18,701 --> 00:06:22,369 a fully-fueled jet, and a dozen pepperoni pizzas. 158 00:06:22,371 --> 00:06:25,539 Pst, Harley, Mikey's lactose-intolerant, remember? 159 00:06:25,541 --> 00:06:28,709 And make sure one of those pizzas is sauce only. 160 00:06:28,711 --> 00:06:31,178 Your order will be ready in 30 minutes or less. 161 00:06:31,180 --> 00:06:32,279 Dicks. 162 00:06:32,281 --> 00:06:33,947 Uh, hey boss? 163 00:06:33,949 --> 00:06:35,516 Your megaphone's still on. 164 00:06:35,518 --> 00:06:37,718 Uh, did he just call us dicks? 165 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:38,986 Ah! 166 00:06:40,523 --> 00:06:41,955 Ahh! 167 00:06:41,957 --> 00:06:43,691 My hearing ears! 168 00:06:44,959 --> 00:06:47,528 Freeze! You're all under arrest. 169 00:06:49,464 --> 00:06:51,398 Who the hell is that? 170 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,967 I'm Batperson. 171 00:06:53,969 --> 00:06:56,051 A gender-neutral superhero? 172 00:06:56,171 --> 00:06:58,189 Wherever there is crime, you will find-- 173 00:06:58,309 --> 00:06:59,740 Ah, damn it, that's my bus. 174 00:06:59,742 --> 00:07:01,450 Wait, wait, wait. Wait, no. 175 00:07:01,690 --> 00:07:04,497 Thanks for coming, Batperson. So here's the dealio. 176 00:07:04,617 --> 00:07:07,162 I think vigilantes are scum, no exceptions, 177 00:07:07,282 --> 00:07:09,216 but I'm willing to make an exception for you 178 00:07:09,336 --> 00:07:11,403 because my department is understaffed, overworked, 179 00:07:11,405 --> 00:07:13,004 and not very good at what we do. 180 00:07:13,006 --> 00:07:14,606 I'm happy to assist. 181 00:07:14,608 --> 00:07:16,481 Wherever there is evil that threatens the-- 182 00:07:16,601 --> 00:07:17,264 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 183 00:07:17,372 --> 00:07:18,977 Less talking, more crime fighting. 184 00:07:19,097 --> 00:07:21,308 I'm going to let you continue your little caped crusade 185 00:07:21,310 --> 00:07:24,061 with one condition: You take on a partner. 186 00:07:24,181 --> 00:07:25,645 Sorry, gramps, but I work alone. 187 00:07:25,647 --> 00:07:27,280 Koala Boy! 188 00:07:27,282 --> 00:07:28,815 You can't be serious. 189 00:07:28,817 --> 00:07:30,150 Show him. 190 00:07:33,455 --> 00:07:34,788 Yah! 191 00:07:38,383 --> 00:07:39,664 Impressed? 192 00:07:39,784 --> 00:07:42,299 By the karate? Yes. By the costume? No. 193 00:07:42,419 --> 00:07:43,685 The silhouette is a mess 194 00:07:43,687 --> 00:07:45,687 and the colors totally clash with his complexion. 195 00:07:45,689 --> 00:07:47,589 You'll live with it. Now, get cracking. 196 00:07:47,591 --> 00:07:49,858 Sabrina still has men on the streets 197 00:07:49,860 --> 00:07:52,360 and I want to catch the matinee showing of Jersey Boys. 198 00:07:52,362 --> 00:07:53,761 Very well. 199 00:07:53,763 --> 00:07:56,865 Batperson and Koala Boy... Away! 200 00:07:58,868 --> 00:08:03,004 Um, should we just climb down the fire escape, 201 00:08:03,006 --> 00:08:04,939 or you want to just look the other way, or-- 202 00:08:04,941 --> 00:08:06,808 Follow me. 203 00:08:06,810 --> 00:08:09,310 You can take the freight elevator. 204 00:08:09,312 --> 00:08:11,079 Remember what we discussed. 205 00:08:11,081 --> 00:08:14,549 When the time comes, chomp, chomp, chomp, right? 206 00:08:16,652 --> 00:08:18,186 D'oh, stupid tourists. 207 00:08:18,188 --> 00:08:20,421 Now what am I supposed to do with myself? 208 00:08:22,191 --> 00:08:25,193 Jeez, who knew there were so many hours in the day to kill? 209 00:08:25,195 --> 00:08:28,530 There have to be at least 24 of these things. 210 00:08:28,532 --> 00:08:30,598 I always wanted to explore my creative side, 211 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:31,833 but I never had the time. 212 00:08:31,835 --> 00:08:33,167 Hey, what the hell. 213 00:08:35,137 --> 00:08:37,205 Can someone explain to me 214 00:08:37,207 --> 00:08:39,941 how an idiot dressed as a bat 215 00:08:39,943 --> 00:08:41,943 can take down six of you? 216 00:08:41,945 --> 00:08:43,545 Does he know kung fu? 217 00:08:43,547 --> 00:08:44,812 Karate? 218 00:08:44,814 --> 00:08:46,147 Greco-Roman wrestling, perhaps? 219 00:08:46,149 --> 00:08:47,815 Muay Thai boxing? 220 00:08:47,817 --> 00:08:50,218 The Brazilian dancing martial art known as Capoeira? 221 00:08:50,220 --> 00:08:51,519 What? 222 00:08:51,521 --> 00:08:54,455 Well, he has this really loud scream. 223 00:08:54,457 --> 00:08:57,425 Sounds, uh, kind of like a rape whistle. 224 00:08:58,727 --> 00:09:00,028 Not that I ever heard one. 225 00:09:00,030 --> 00:09:02,630 I need someone to take this loser out 226 00:09:02,632 --> 00:09:05,300 before he puts more of a dent in my operation. 227 00:09:05,302 --> 00:09:07,068 That bank job cost me-- 228 00:09:07,070 --> 00:09:08,570 Oswald, how much did that cost me? 229 00:09:08,572 --> 00:09:09,837 Cha-ching! 230 00:09:09,839 --> 00:09:12,307 Uh, $60 million, Sabrina. 231 00:09:12,309 --> 00:09:15,577 God damn, you penguins make the best accountants. 232 00:09:15,579 --> 00:09:17,412 Mm, that could be offensive. 233 00:09:17,414 --> 00:09:19,547 But then again, it's also a compliment to my skills. 234 00:09:19,549 --> 00:09:21,716 I'd have to say, she is a client, uh, thanks. 235 00:09:21,718 --> 00:09:23,418 Kill this Batperson, 236 00:09:23,420 --> 00:09:25,253 or I'm canceling wacky shirt day. 237 00:09:25,255 --> 00:09:27,388 Oh, yes, I will! 238 00:09:27,390 --> 00:09:28,723 - Oh, yes, I will! - Please don't. 239 00:09:30,826 --> 00:09:33,227 Flash dancers, okay? And step on it. 240 00:09:33,229 --> 00:09:35,096 Say, 241 00:09:35,098 --> 00:09:37,765 aren't you Academy Award-winning actor Christian Bale? 242 00:09:37,767 --> 00:09:39,500 Yeah. That's me. 243 00:09:39,502 --> 00:09:41,936 Hey, man, I heard you chewing out that lighting guy, 244 00:09:41,938 --> 00:09:43,805 and I'm just going to say it, 245 00:09:43,807 --> 00:09:45,707 that ass had it coming. You know? 246 00:09:45,709 --> 00:09:47,609 If anything, you went easy on him. 247 00:09:47,611 --> 00:09:50,278 Truth is, it's not over. 248 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:55,550 I have a long-term plan to make that man's life a living hell. 249 00:09:55,552 --> 00:09:57,051 Uh-huh. I'm with you. 250 00:09:57,053 --> 00:10:01,322 It all starts with me getting a sex-change operation. 251 00:10:01,324 --> 00:10:04,726 I know it sounds extreme, but I've done far worse for roles. 252 00:10:06,595 --> 00:10:11,733 And that's when he realizes that his wife of 20 years 253 00:10:11,735 --> 00:10:14,302 was really me, in character. 254 00:10:14,304 --> 00:10:16,504 Then, I'll divorce his ass, 255 00:10:16,506 --> 00:10:19,340 gain legal custody of our four children, 256 00:10:19,342 --> 00:10:22,577 and take him for everything he's got. 257 00:10:22,579 --> 00:10:26,180 Wow, you are really committed to your parts. 258 00:10:26,182 --> 00:10:30,551 And as for the guy who taped me without my permission, 259 00:10:30,553 --> 00:10:34,055 he's going to get it ten times worse. 260 00:10:34,057 --> 00:10:36,290 Oh, okay then. 261 00:10:36,292 --> 00:10:38,960 You know what, man? This ride's on the house. 262 00:10:38,962 --> 00:10:42,030 You, uh, you go enjoy some boobs in your face. 263 00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:44,499 - Thanks, mate. - He's a good-looking fella. 264 00:10:46,702 --> 00:10:50,204 # Batperson # 265 00:10:50,206 --> 00:10:53,474 # Koala Boy # 266 00:10:53,476 --> 00:10:57,278 # Batperson # 267 00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:58,546 # Koala Boy # 268 00:10:58,548 --> 00:11:01,049 # supersonic screech # 269 00:11:01,051 --> 00:11:02,450 # karate # 270 00:11:02,452 --> 00:11:04,786 # punching # 271 00:11:04,788 --> 00:11:07,955 # exceptional hearing # 272 00:11:07,957 --> 00:11:11,292 # Batperson # 273 00:11:11,294 --> 00:11:13,761 # Koala Boy # 274 00:11:13,763 --> 00:11:15,663 # headlines # 275 00:11:15,665 --> 00:11:19,634 Man, where the hell has Mark been this week? 276 00:11:19,636 --> 00:11:22,503 # Batperson # 277 00:11:22,505 --> 00:11:25,273 # kicking # 278 00:11:25,275 --> 00:11:27,775 # Koala Boy # 279 00:11:31,347 --> 00:11:33,848 Oh, man, this is hilarious. 280 00:11:35,051 --> 00:11:36,784 Who's there? 281 00:11:36,786 --> 00:11:38,252 It's...me. 282 00:11:38,254 --> 00:11:40,755 Uh, Mark. Where have you been lately? 283 00:11:40,757 --> 00:11:42,423 And what do you have against the door? 284 00:11:42,425 --> 00:11:44,692 I prefer to stay in the shadows. 285 00:11:44,694 --> 00:11:47,962 Ooh, a costume. Sexy. 286 00:11:47,964 --> 00:11:49,530 Who are you supposed to be? 287 00:11:49,532 --> 00:11:50,865 I'm Batperson. 288 00:11:52,435 --> 00:11:54,402 Oh, that loon who's been all over the newspapers? 289 00:11:54,404 --> 00:11:55,703 That's hilarious. 290 00:11:55,705 --> 00:11:57,305 Shh. Stop talking. 291 00:12:01,844 --> 00:12:03,778 Ugh, good Christ, 292 00:12:03,780 --> 00:12:05,713 you have to wear that stupid thing more often. 293 00:12:05,715 --> 00:12:08,216 I could've done without that crazy shriek when you climaxed, 294 00:12:08,218 --> 00:12:09,650 but it's a small price to pay. 295 00:12:09,652 --> 00:12:12,186 Okay, well, I must be going. 296 00:12:12,188 --> 00:12:13,454 There is evil afoot. 297 00:12:13,456 --> 00:12:14,722 Whatever. 298 00:12:14,724 --> 00:12:16,290 Batperson, away. 299 00:12:16,292 --> 00:12:18,359 Ooh! My cowl! 300 00:12:18,361 --> 00:12:20,962 What the [bleep] happened to you? 301 00:12:20,964 --> 00:12:22,263 You look like Steve Buscemi. 302 00:12:22,265 --> 00:12:23,898 Don't look at me. 303 00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:26,868 You were bitten by that Bat Boy, weren't you? 304 00:12:26,870 --> 00:12:28,803 Wait a minute... 305 00:12:28,805 --> 00:12:30,638 You really are Batperson? 306 00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:32,373 You can't tell anyone, Callie. 307 00:12:32,375 --> 00:12:35,977 I must protect my real identity from the criminal underworld 308 00:12:35,979 --> 00:12:38,346 and from the legal department of DC Comics. 309 00:12:38,348 --> 00:12:41,149 Mark, you have to get treatment immediately 310 00:12:41,151 --> 00:12:42,784 this could become permanent. 311 00:12:42,786 --> 00:12:45,553 There's no way I could have sex with a Bat Boy. 312 00:12:45,555 --> 00:12:46,888 Well, again. 313 00:12:46,890 --> 00:12:48,723 I'm sorry, Callie, 314 00:12:48,725 --> 00:12:51,526 but I'm the only thing that stands between order and chaos. 315 00:12:51,528 --> 00:12:52,794 You? 316 00:12:52,796 --> 00:12:54,128 You refuse to arm wrestle 317 00:12:54,130 --> 00:12:55,797 because you consider it assault. 318 00:12:55,799 --> 00:12:58,466 That was Mark Lilly talking. 319 00:12:58,468 --> 00:13:01,302 I am Batperson. 320 00:13:01,304 --> 00:13:03,371 Thanks for the sex, though! 321 00:13:03,373 --> 00:13:07,074 And "bats" all she wrote. 322 00:13:07,076 --> 00:13:09,214 Pst. They beat you to it. 323 00:13:09,451 --> 00:13:10,595 Oh, man. 324 00:13:15,822 --> 00:13:18,463 Grimes. We need to talk outside. 325 00:13:18,585 --> 00:13:21,252 Can't this wait? Our recital is in three days. 326 00:13:21,254 --> 00:13:22,520 Now! Thump! 327 00:13:22,522 --> 00:13:24,622 Great work, Natalia. Take five. 328 00:13:24,624 --> 00:13:27,192 I found out the Batperson's real identity. 329 00:13:27,194 --> 00:13:28,826 It's Mark. 330 00:13:28,828 --> 00:13:32,163 No [bleep], Sherlock. It couldn't be more obvious. 331 00:13:32,165 --> 00:13:35,066 His codpiece has his name stitched on it, for one thing. 332 00:13:35,068 --> 00:13:36,701 You knew Mark was in danger, 333 00:13:36,703 --> 00:13:39,504 and you ignored him to put on a tutu? 334 00:13:39,506 --> 00:13:43,107 This is a modern tap leotard, male size 26. 335 00:13:43,109 --> 00:13:46,177 And besides, I stuck the koala with him. 336 00:13:46,179 --> 00:13:48,479 If things get out of hand, Doug just bites Mark, 337 00:13:48,481 --> 00:13:50,081 and presto, he's cured. 338 00:13:50,083 --> 00:13:52,884 Do you mean to say the bite from a koala man 339 00:13:52,886 --> 00:13:54,786 cures the bite from a Bat Boy? 340 00:13:54,788 --> 00:13:57,288 Duh, did you go to public school or something? 341 00:13:57,290 --> 00:13:58,856 I thought vigilantes 342 00:13:58,858 --> 00:14:00,692 were supposed to be arrested on sight, grimes. 343 00:14:00,694 --> 00:14:03,294 Yeah, well, I should also have more than three men 344 00:14:03,296 --> 00:14:04,896 to fight crime in a city of 8 million. 345 00:14:04,898 --> 00:14:07,632 I think you do a fine job of protecting citizens. 346 00:14:07,634 --> 00:14:10,068 - Watch your head. - Hey! 347 00:14:10,070 --> 00:14:13,638 It's times like these I wish I knew what the word irony meant. 348 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:16,207 We have a message for the Batperson. 349 00:14:16,209 --> 00:14:20,612 Turn yourself over to us or we kill this friend of yours. 350 00:14:22,882 --> 00:14:25,450 Sorry, I mean [bleep] buddy. 351 00:14:25,452 --> 00:14:26,784 Chilling footage... 352 00:14:26,786 --> 00:14:29,320 That will no doubt get boffo ratings! 353 00:14:29,322 --> 00:14:30,588 Ka-ching. 354 00:14:30,590 --> 00:14:32,090 What do we do? They have Callie. 355 00:14:32,092 --> 00:14:33,558 I mean, uh-- 356 00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:35,326 They have... 357 00:14:35,328 --> 00:14:37,295 an innocent woman that I've... 358 00:14:37,297 --> 00:14:38,596 never...had intercourse with. 359 00:14:38,598 --> 00:14:40,131 Cut the charade, Lilly. 360 00:14:40,133 --> 00:14:41,733 I've known it's you the whole time. 361 00:14:41,735 --> 00:14:43,801 I should've never let things get so out of hand, 362 00:14:43,803 --> 00:14:46,304 but I never realized how much dance was in me. 363 00:14:46,306 --> 00:14:47,772 I'm a dancer. 364 00:14:47,774 --> 00:14:50,174 That's okay, grimes. I understand. 365 00:14:50,176 --> 00:14:52,310 Holy crap, you look terrible. 366 00:14:52,312 --> 00:14:54,112 Doug, bite his ass. 367 00:14:54,114 --> 00:14:55,480 Hey! What the hell are you doing? 368 00:14:55,482 --> 00:14:57,982 Curing you before you go full-on Bat Boy. 369 00:14:57,984 --> 00:15:00,685 No way. Not before I save Callie. 370 00:15:00,687 --> 00:15:02,620 I started this. I'm going to finish it. 371 00:15:02,622 --> 00:15:03,888 Fine. 372 00:15:03,890 --> 00:15:05,390 I'm sort of relieved to hear you say that 373 00:15:05,392 --> 00:15:06,924 because my dance recital is tonight. 374 00:15:06,926 --> 00:15:08,459 It's a movement-based interpretation 375 00:15:08,461 --> 00:15:10,662 of the 1991 film Regarding Henry. 376 00:15:10,664 --> 00:15:11,929 Here's a flyer. 377 00:15:13,632 --> 00:15:15,533 If you're going to take on Sabrina's gang, 378 00:15:15,535 --> 00:15:17,502 you'll need all the firepower you can get. 379 00:15:17,504 --> 00:15:20,138 I can't give you actual weapons, of course, 380 00:15:20,140 --> 00:15:23,875 but help yourself to any of these rejected gadgets. 381 00:15:23,877 --> 00:15:26,511 This sphere can emit the ice cream truck jingle. 382 00:15:27,947 --> 00:15:30,648 This is a wristwatch that releases a gas 383 00:15:30,650 --> 00:15:32,417 that smells exactly like farts. 384 00:15:32,419 --> 00:15:34,652 And this is the free T-Mobile t-shirt 385 00:15:34,654 --> 00:15:36,187 that you get upon activation. 386 00:15:36,189 --> 00:15:38,956 When would any of these possibly come in handy? 387 00:15:38,958 --> 00:15:40,792 Look, they were rejected for a reason. 388 00:15:40,794 --> 00:15:42,193 Ta them or leave them. 389 00:15:47,833 --> 00:15:49,500 Let's do this. 390 00:15:53,506 --> 00:15:56,240 Oh, hey, man, not cool. 391 00:15:56,242 --> 00:15:57,975 Don't blame your farts on me, brother. 392 00:15:57,977 --> 00:15:59,844 Don't call me a farter, farter. 393 00:16:06,586 --> 00:16:08,653 Hey, you guys thinking what I'm thinking? 394 00:16:08,655 --> 00:16:12,156 I'm going to get a choco taco. 395 00:16:12,158 --> 00:16:16,694 These gadgets are more useful than I expected. 396 00:16:16,696 --> 00:16:19,897 Oh, Mark, thank God you came. 397 00:16:19,899 --> 00:16:21,899 There's a new Real Housewives on tonight. 398 00:16:21,901 --> 00:16:23,201 I'll die if I miss it. 399 00:16:23,203 --> 00:16:25,136 Shh. We don't have much time. 400 00:16:26,439 --> 00:16:27,638 You've got that right. 401 00:16:28,942 --> 00:16:31,175 You've meddled in my tomfoolery 402 00:16:31,177 --> 00:16:33,778 for the last time, Batperson. 403 00:16:33,780 --> 00:16:35,346 That means I'm going to shoot your face. 404 00:16:35,348 --> 00:16:36,714 Any final words? 405 00:16:36,716 --> 00:16:38,783 Just one. 406 00:16:45,358 --> 00:16:47,058 Hey! Come on! 407 00:16:47,060 --> 00:16:49,894 Oh, that smarts! 408 00:16:49,896 --> 00:16:51,529 Am I the only one-- 409 00:16:51,531 --> 00:16:52,897 Ah! 410 00:16:52,899 --> 00:16:55,166 One of the perks of being part bat-- 411 00:16:55,168 --> 00:16:58,136 still not much of a fighter but at least I can see in the dark. 412 00:16:58,138 --> 00:16:59,804 - Ow! - Callie? 413 00:16:59,806 --> 00:17:01,072 Where'd she go? 414 00:17:01,074 --> 00:17:03,107 Ooh, watch your head. 415 00:17:06,512 --> 00:17:08,413 Fear not, my faithful sidekick. 416 00:17:08,415 --> 00:17:10,047 For classy transportation in a pinch, 417 00:17:10,049 --> 00:17:11,215 there's only one place to call. 418 00:17:12,485 --> 00:17:15,052 Skeffington Car Service, 419 00:17:15,054 --> 00:17:16,687 you spill your guts, we drive your butts. 420 00:17:18,024 --> 00:17:20,426 All right, seriously, where am I driving your butt? 421 00:17:21,615 --> 00:17:23,348 Wait, slow down, dude. 422 00:17:23,350 --> 00:17:25,617 Y-you're bat who? 423 00:17:25,619 --> 00:17:27,419 Fighting crime? 424 00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:29,454 Callie--what-- is what? 425 00:17:29,456 --> 00:17:31,256 Mark, respectfully, 426 00:17:31,258 --> 00:17:34,626 if you want a ride that badly, all you have to do is ask. 427 00:17:34,628 --> 00:17:36,661 The dungeon of intercourse if you will, please. 428 00:17:36,663 --> 00:17:38,363 Not a problem. 429 00:17:38,365 --> 00:17:40,432 Uh, but we do have to make one quick stop on the way 430 00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:41,800 if you don't mind. 431 00:17:41,802 --> 00:17:46,438 You do what you have to do, my good man. 432 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:47,739 My name is Michael Caine. 433 00:17:50,143 --> 00:17:52,077 That way. Step on it! 434 00:17:52,079 --> 00:17:54,146 Okay, but we're going to have a word about that outfit 435 00:17:54,148 --> 00:17:55,614 when we get home tonight. 436 00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:59,151 Did you know that you are the spitting image 437 00:17:59,153 --> 00:18:01,086 of a young Dudley Moore? 438 00:18:05,625 --> 00:18:08,860 During the filming of Hannah and Her Sisters, 439 00:18:08,862 --> 00:18:10,529 the whole course of the movie, 440 00:18:10,531 --> 00:18:12,964 I thought it was called Panda and Her Sisters, 441 00:18:12,966 --> 00:18:17,736 and they were going to add a panda bear in special effects. 442 00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:24,409 Your boyfriend is irritatingly persistent. 443 00:18:24,411 --> 00:18:25,710 Yeah. It's annoying. 444 00:18:26,879 --> 00:18:28,580 What now? 445 00:18:28,582 --> 00:18:29,814 I don't know. 446 00:18:29,816 --> 00:18:31,283 Run her off the road or something. 447 00:18:31,285 --> 00:18:32,984 Dude, that's an armored van. 448 00:18:32,986 --> 00:18:36,421 This is a Lincoln continental on lease. 449 00:18:38,324 --> 00:18:40,692 On the set of The Cider House Rules, 450 00:18:40,694 --> 00:18:45,997 Tobey Maguire tried to have sex with me three different times. 451 00:18:45,999 --> 00:18:48,033 Shut up, Michael Caine! 452 00:18:51,671 --> 00:18:56,208 Your boyfriend is about to go out with a bang. 453 00:18:56,210 --> 00:18:57,976 Really? That's your big line? 454 00:18:57,978 --> 00:19:02,714 Admittedly, not the best. I'm trying to drive here. 455 00:19:04,017 --> 00:19:07,152 What the hell? Is that Steve Buscemi? 456 00:19:07,154 --> 00:19:08,887 I love his work! 457 00:19:10,157 --> 00:19:11,389 Uh-oh. 458 00:19:13,927 --> 00:19:15,860 Ah! It's in my hair! 459 00:19:15,862 --> 00:19:18,063 It's in my hair! Get it out. Get it out. 460 00:19:18,065 --> 00:19:19,598 Get it out. Get it out! 461 00:19:25,571 --> 00:19:27,172 Funny story. 462 00:19:27,174 --> 00:19:30,075 On the set of Jaws 4: The Revenge, 463 00:19:30,077 --> 00:19:34,779 I actually killed and ground up a native boy into pate 464 00:19:34,781 --> 00:19:37,515 and served it at craft services. 465 00:19:37,517 --> 00:19:41,286 Oh, Mark, thank you so much for saving me. 466 00:19:41,288 --> 00:19:44,155 No matter what you look like on the outside, 467 00:19:44,157 --> 00:19:46,291 you're still my hero. 468 00:19:50,063 --> 00:19:51,296 Ah! Ah! 469 00:19:51,298 --> 00:19:52,764 Bite him, Doug. Bite him! 470 00:19:52,766 --> 00:19:54,032 Crunch! 471 00:19:54,034 --> 00:19:55,533 Dah! Oh... 472 00:19:58,672 --> 00:20:01,539 FYI: He'll need to bite you there once a day 473 00:20:01,541 --> 00:20:03,942 for the next year to make sure you don't relapse. 474 00:20:03,944 --> 00:20:06,044 Of course he will. 475 00:20:06,046 --> 00:20:10,081 We're frequently told to avoid a simple life, 476 00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:13,018 to aim high and go for broke... 477 00:20:13,020 --> 00:20:14,619 We're thrilled to be in business with you, 478 00:20:14,621 --> 00:20:15,954 Mr. Skeffington. 479 00:20:15,956 --> 00:20:17,289 Here's a bucket of money. 480 00:20:17,291 --> 00:20:20,292 To look for ways to better ourselves... 481 00:20:22,062 --> 00:20:24,996 I can't believe I'm missing football for this. 482 00:20:24,998 --> 00:20:27,799 Even if the risk outweighs the reward... 483 00:20:27,801 --> 00:20:29,801 I get one phone call, right? 484 00:20:29,803 --> 00:20:33,471 Does anyone have the number for Sarah McLachlan? 485 00:20:34,907 --> 00:20:37,242 Thus ends the adventures of Batperson. 486 00:20:37,244 --> 00:20:38,843 I can't say I'll miss it. 487 00:20:38,845 --> 00:20:40,645 Me, neither. 488 00:20:40,647 --> 00:20:45,083 But when all is said and done, a simple life is a good life. 489 00:20:45,085 --> 00:20:46,318 You know what? 490 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,920 Leave the cape on. 491 00:20:49,293 --> 00:20:52,240 Well, good enough. 492 00:20:52,692 --> 00:20:59,784 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com