1
00:00:02,145 --> 00:00:05,934
Some people just don't
know when to be serious.
2
00:00:06,054 --> 00:00:07,594
Congratulations, clown,
3
00:00:07,714 --> 00:00:09,035
you have received a full pardon.
4
00:00:09,155 --> 00:00:11,557
You can finally see
your wife and kids again.
5
00:00:11,559 --> 00:00:12,858
Seriously?
6
00:00:12,860 --> 00:00:14,593
You told me I was gonna rot
in here.
7
00:00:14,595 --> 00:00:16,662
I've missed my family so much.
8
00:00:16,664 --> 00:00:18,163
[Laughing]
April Fools.
9
00:00:18,165 --> 00:00:19,765
You're not going anywhere,
rubber nuts.
10
00:00:19,767 --> 00:00:21,500
Ha, ha. Gotcha.
11
00:00:21,502 --> 00:00:23,202
What?
12
00:00:23,204 --> 00:00:25,571
Oh, the look on your face.
Priceless.
13
00:00:25,573 --> 00:00:27,239
Ah, now I'm gonna call
my youngest daughter
14
00:00:27,241 --> 00:00:28,507
and tell her I have cancer.
15
00:00:28,509 --> 00:00:30,642
She falls for it every year.
16
00:00:30,644 --> 00:00:32,377
I love April Fools' day.
17
00:00:32,379 --> 00:00:35,380
The problem
with always being a joker
18
00:00:35,382 --> 00:00:37,516
is that is that you might not
realize
19
00:00:37,518 --> 00:00:39,985
when the joke is on you.
20
00:00:39,987 --> 00:00:42,054
Zahara?
Daddy's got some bad news.
21
00:00:42,056 --> 00:00:43,655
[Laughing]
22
00:00:45,692 --> 00:00:47,626
[Laughing]
23
00:00:51,130 --> 00:00:52,764
Why are you wearing
your lucky tie
24
00:00:52,766 --> 00:00:54,533
that looks exactly like
your normal tie?
25
00:00:54,535 --> 00:00:56,335
I'm immune to your sarcasm
today, Randall.
26
00:00:56,337 --> 00:00:57,970
It's a special day.
27
00:00:57,972 --> 00:01:00,973
Harry Connick Jr. finally
answered your fan letter.
28
00:01:00,975 --> 00:01:02,274
Wow, dude.
29
00:01:02,276 --> 00:01:04,042
I said special, not historic.
30
00:01:04,044 --> 00:01:06,378
No, today is the day
31
00:01:06,380 --> 00:01:08,514
I ask Callie to get engaged
to be engaged.
32
00:01:08,516 --> 00:01:10,048
It's the step before
the first step
33
00:01:10,050 --> 00:01:11,950
toward thinking about
the idea of marriage.
34
00:01:11,952 --> 00:01:13,285
It's a huge commitment.
35
00:01:13,287 --> 00:01:15,554
You and Callie, married?
36
00:01:15,556 --> 00:01:16,922
It's all so sudden.
37
00:01:16,924 --> 00:01:19,157
[Straining]
Heart pills in my pocket.
38
00:01:19,159 --> 00:01:20,459
It's okay, buddy. Breathe.
39
00:01:20,461 --> 00:01:22,427
Marriage is a long way
down the road.
40
00:01:22,429 --> 00:01:23,762
Ah, ah!
41
00:01:23,764 --> 00:01:25,097
April Fools.
42
00:01:25,099 --> 00:01:26,164
What're you stupid?
I'm dead.
43
00:01:26,166 --> 00:01:27,866
Why would I have heart pills?
44
00:01:27,868 --> 00:01:30,402
This is exactly why
I hate April Fools' day.
45
00:01:30,404 --> 00:01:32,237
From now on,
46
00:01:32,239 --> 00:01:35,240
April 1st will no longer be
known for silly tomfoolery
47
00:01:35,242 --> 00:01:38,744
but as the day Mark and Callie
embarked on a romantic trip
48
00:01:38,746 --> 00:01:40,145
for two.
49
00:01:40,147 --> 00:01:41,880
A promise ring?
That's it.
50
00:01:41,882 --> 00:01:43,749
After you slip it on her finger,
51
00:01:43,751 --> 00:01:45,984
tell her an ex-girlfriend
looked you up,
52
00:01:45,986 --> 00:01:49,054
and you got an illegitimate kid
named Cody.
53
00:01:49,056 --> 00:01:51,557
You realize if we do get
married one day,
54
00:01:51,559 --> 00:01:53,058
I'll have to move out of here.
55
00:01:53,060 --> 00:01:54,960
You'll move out?
My heart!
56
00:01:54,962 --> 00:01:57,329
Ah, it's happening again.
57
00:01:57,331 --> 00:01:58,864
The cap is child-proof.
58
00:02:01,601 --> 00:02:03,569
Uh-huh.
59
00:02:03,571 --> 00:02:06,171
We have a safe room?
60
00:02:06,173 --> 00:02:08,006
Ah, the safe room. Right.
61
00:02:08,008 --> 00:02:10,509
Yeah, well, you got to wake up
a little earlier in the morning
62
00:02:10,511 --> 00:02:13,512
to prank Mark Lilly.
63
00:02:13,514 --> 00:02:15,714
- [Groaning]
- Hey, oh!
64
00:02:15,716 --> 00:02:17,783
I don't normally like
practical jokes, but darn it.
65
00:02:17,785 --> 00:02:19,418
[Laughing]
This is hilarious.
66
00:02:19,420 --> 00:02:21,987
You got a sick sense of humor,
ass[bleep].
67
00:02:21,989 --> 00:02:24,656
Huh.
[Screaming]
68
00:02:26,459 --> 00:02:27,926
[Groaning]
69
00:02:27,928 --> 00:02:29,628
Welcome to the safe room.
On your feet.
70
00:02:29,630 --> 00:02:32,931
Hey, you could really use
more than one pillow here.
71
00:02:32,933 --> 00:02:35,601
I think I sprained my ankle.
72
00:02:35,603 --> 00:02:40,439
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Mark Lilly.
73
00:02:40,441 --> 00:02:42,074
Yep, when the [bleep] goes
down,
74
00:02:42,076 --> 00:02:44,242
we've got everything we need
to survive.
75
00:02:44,244 --> 00:02:48,714
Canned food, morphine, condoms,
ribbed for her pleasure.
76
00:02:48,716 --> 00:02:50,349
I suppose you could
turn them inside out.
77
00:02:50,351 --> 00:02:53,285
And all 12 seasons
of Gary unmarried
78
00:02:53,287 --> 00:02:56,421
on a hard drive that can
withstand a 20-megaton blast.
79
00:02:56,423 --> 00:03:00,492
Shh. This is the one
where Gary gets married.
80
00:03:00,494 --> 00:03:02,794
Impressive.
And why are we here?
81
00:03:02,796 --> 00:03:04,730
Sit down, Lilly.
82
00:03:04,732 --> 00:03:07,299
I've got a story that will
make your testicles retract.
83
00:03:07,301 --> 00:03:09,001
Barney Snodgrass.
84
00:03:09,003 --> 00:03:10,769
He was the D.O.I. counselor
before you.
85
00:03:10,771 --> 00:03:14,006
Brilliant sense of humor.
The man loved pranks.
86
00:03:14,008 --> 00:03:15,474
Barney believed in teaching
87
00:03:15,476 --> 00:03:19,011
through public humiliation
and cruelty.
88
00:03:19,013 --> 00:03:21,747
Today's lesson: Duck!
89
00:03:21,749 --> 00:03:23,281
[Gunfire]
90
00:03:23,283 --> 00:03:24,750
My eye.
91
00:03:24,752 --> 00:03:27,986
Nobody was immune
to his razor-sharp wit.
92
00:03:27,988 --> 00:03:30,255
If Barney's so great, how come
I've never heard of him.
93
00:03:30,257 --> 00:03:32,124
And what does he have to do
with the safe room?
94
00:03:32,126 --> 00:03:34,893
[All whimper]
95
00:03:34,895 --> 00:03:38,196
April Fools' day,
five years ago,
96
00:03:38,198 --> 00:03:41,333
we put a fart cushion
on Barney's chair.
97
00:03:41,335 --> 00:03:42,934
[Laughter]
The perfect prank.
98
00:03:42,936 --> 00:03:44,870
The problem is,
Barney could dish it out,
99
00:03:44,872 --> 00:03:46,271
but he couldn't take it.
100
00:03:46,273 --> 00:03:49,641
He freaked out
and stabbed Eric to death.
101
00:03:49,643 --> 00:03:53,111
I was once human.
They had to rebuild me.
102
00:03:53,113 --> 00:03:55,547
Better, stronger, faster.
103
00:03:55,549 --> 00:03:58,450
Yep, I busted Barney and threw
him in a mental hospital.
104
00:03:58,452 --> 00:04:01,887
Nobody pranks Barney Snodgrass!
105
00:04:01,889 --> 00:04:03,588
You'll pay for this.
106
00:04:03,590 --> 00:04:06,391
You'll all pay!
107
00:04:06,393 --> 00:04:08,393
Now I get it.
108
00:04:08,395 --> 00:04:10,729
This is the old "escaped mental
patient who's out to kill
109
00:04:10,731 --> 00:04:12,564
his former coworkers" gag.
110
00:04:12,566 --> 00:04:15,233
Hey, guys, I've seen that movie.
Okay?
111
00:04:15,235 --> 00:04:16,835
I reviewed it on my movie blog.
112
00:04:16,837 --> 00:04:19,538
I gave it two out of five
"marks."
113
00:04:19,540 --> 00:04:21,406
This isn't a movie, Mark.
114
00:04:21,408 --> 00:04:24,309
We're all going to die.
Especially you.
115
00:04:24,311 --> 00:04:25,977
Fine. It's not a prank.
116
00:04:25,979 --> 00:04:28,146
Explain how you know
he's out to kill all of us.
117
00:04:28,148 --> 00:04:29,681
Barney's prison journal.
118
00:04:29,683 --> 00:04:31,717
Years of threats are scrawled
on that charmin.
119
00:04:31,719 --> 00:04:33,719
Unroll it if you dare.
120
00:04:33,721 --> 00:04:37,556
And for the grand prize
of $372 million,
121
00:04:37,558 --> 00:04:40,525
the megaball is...74.
122
00:04:40,527 --> 00:04:42,160
What?
123
00:04:42,162 --> 00:04:44,229
In a fun new twist, the lucky
winner has only 24 hours
124
00:04:44,231 --> 00:04:45,864
to redeem the ticket.
125
00:04:45,866 --> 00:04:48,533
After that,
it's completely worthless.
126
00:04:48,535 --> 00:04:50,836
You know how many people
would kill for that ticket?
127
00:04:50,838 --> 00:04:52,571
I mean literally kill.
128
00:04:52,573 --> 00:04:54,940
Hm, hey, fellows. Uh.
129
00:04:54,942 --> 00:04:56,942
I got to run an errand.
130
00:04:56,944 --> 00:04:58,710
[Screams]
131
00:04:58,712 --> 00:05:03,815
Ladies and gentlemen,
the honorable Bunnycorn janitor.
132
00:05:03,817 --> 00:05:06,985
My God, he's here.
Barney.
133
00:05:06,987 --> 00:05:08,286
This isn't much of a safe room.
134
00:05:08,288 --> 00:05:09,988
Time to head to the safe house.
135
00:05:09,990 --> 00:05:12,023
All right, I'm not letting
you take this any further.
136
00:05:12,025 --> 00:05:13,692
I have actual work to do.
137
00:05:13,694 --> 00:05:15,861
Sorry, Lilly,
but during office hours,
138
00:05:15,863 --> 00:05:17,696
your safety
is my responsibility.
139
00:05:17,698 --> 00:05:20,932
Now get your ass in the van
before I crack your skull in.
140
00:05:20,934 --> 00:05:25,203
Fake rigor mortis.
Way to commit.
141
00:05:25,205 --> 00:05:28,740
Um, why are we taking
my roommate's van?
142
00:05:28,742 --> 00:05:30,776
All department vehicles
are checked out.
143
00:05:30,778 --> 00:05:33,445
And because I enjoy the zombie
as comic relief.
144
00:05:33,447 --> 00:05:34,946
Why thank you, Francis.
145
00:05:34,948 --> 00:05:37,482
[Guffaws]
See? Hilarious.
146
00:05:37,484 --> 00:05:40,318
Are we headed anywhere
near a liquor store
147
00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:42,821
and/or lottery headquarters?
148
00:05:42,823 --> 00:05:44,656
Nope, we're headed
to my mountain cabin.
149
00:05:44,658 --> 00:05:46,825
We'll be much safer there
than in the safe room.
150
00:05:46,827 --> 00:05:49,561
A remote cabin
miles from civilization?
151
00:05:49,563 --> 00:05:51,897
A maniac would never
look for us there.
152
00:05:51,899 --> 00:05:54,266
I'm sorry we'll miss
our romantic dinner tonight
153
00:05:54,268 --> 00:05:56,735
because of this stupid prank.
154
00:05:56,737 --> 00:06:01,373
I had something special planned,
but I guess I can do it here.
155
00:06:01,375 --> 00:06:03,408
Oh, oh.
156
00:06:03,410 --> 00:06:06,111
My darling.
I have something to ask you.
157
00:06:06,113 --> 00:06:09,014
- Oh! It's yes.
- Not you. Callie.
158
00:06:09,016 --> 00:06:11,116
I can't concentrate on your
sappy romantic gestures
159
00:06:11,118 --> 00:06:12,450
right now.
160
00:06:12,452 --> 00:06:13,952
My ex-boyfriend
is trying to kill us.
161
00:06:13,954 --> 00:06:17,055
Wait, are you saying
you dated this Barney?
162
00:06:17,057 --> 00:06:19,558
We dated until he went
to the insane asylum.
163
00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:21,726
Real relationship killer.
164
00:06:21,728 --> 00:06:23,395
Et tu,Callie?
165
00:06:23,397 --> 00:06:25,197
You know how much I hate pranks.
166
00:06:25,199 --> 00:06:28,300
It's not a prank.
I wish it were.
167
00:06:28,302 --> 00:06:31,469
Barney and I were in love.
168
00:06:35,508 --> 00:06:37,108
Ladies and gentlemen,
169
00:06:37,110 --> 00:06:39,878
presenting
the first commercial break.
170
00:06:42,247 --> 00:06:44,629
Twayne, there are land mines
in that crate.
171
00:06:44,749 --> 00:06:46,383
Establish a security perimeter.
172
00:06:46,503 --> 00:06:48,603
Cuddles,
you'll take first watch.
173
00:06:48,605 --> 00:06:49,604
Cla-clack!
174
00:06:49,606 --> 00:06:50,872
You two,
175
00:06:50,874 --> 00:06:52,407
gather logs
to build a poop hut.
176
00:06:52,409 --> 00:06:54,142
But dig a healthy
crap hole first.
177
00:06:54,144 --> 00:06:55,677
Chop, chop.
178
00:06:55,679 --> 00:06:57,612
But there's a bathroom
in the cabin.
179
00:06:57,614 --> 00:07:00,081
You think I'm letting
these animals use my toilet?
180
00:07:00,083 --> 00:07:01,383
[Groaning]
181
00:07:03,553 --> 00:07:06,454
Let's say
there really is a Barney.
182
00:07:06,456 --> 00:07:07,822
If you had dated
a jerk like that,
183
00:07:07,824 --> 00:07:09,691
you would have told me
about him.
184
00:07:09,693 --> 00:07:11,326
There's a lot of stuff
I haven't told you
185
00:07:11,328 --> 00:07:14,129
mainly to avoid annoying
conversations like this.
186
00:07:14,131 --> 00:07:16,064
Everything you need to know
about Barney and me
187
00:07:16,066 --> 00:07:19,034
is in that journal.
188
00:07:19,036 --> 00:07:20,502
I'm hitting the showers.
189
00:07:20,504 --> 00:07:22,671
Okay, I'll read it.
190
00:07:22,673 --> 00:07:25,073
But only because I'm gonna
have to use this after lunch.
191
00:07:25,075 --> 00:07:26,308
[Groaning]
192
00:07:26,310 --> 00:07:29,611
[Laughing]
193
00:07:29,613 --> 00:07:31,947
Randall, my boy.
I need to borrow the van.
194
00:07:31,949 --> 00:07:33,848
Why?
To redeem your lottery ticket?
195
00:07:33,850 --> 00:07:35,116
Yeah.
196
00:07:35,118 --> 00:07:38,019
Your birthday numbers?
10-14-13-74?
197
00:07:38,021 --> 00:07:40,388
Ah, how do you know
I play my birthday?
198
00:07:40,390 --> 00:07:41,890
I know a little bit
about everyone.
199
00:07:41,892 --> 00:07:43,291
I'm a renaissance man.
200
00:07:43,293 --> 00:07:45,760
Also, you told me
while you were wasted.
201
00:07:45,762 --> 00:07:48,096
I mean, it's all
you would talk about.
202
00:07:48,098 --> 00:07:49,331
Anyway, I want half.
203
00:07:49,333 --> 00:07:50,932
Dream on, zombie.
204
00:07:50,934 --> 00:07:52,867
You need a ride to the city.
205
00:07:52,869 --> 00:07:56,638
Ha, I'll just use my wand
to zap back to New York.
206
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,541
Watch this. Hm. Ah.
207
00:07:59,543 --> 00:08:02,444
Oh, Gary,
will you ever get married?
208
00:08:02,446 --> 00:08:03,979
[Bleep].
209
00:08:03,981 --> 00:08:06,014
How 'bout I tell these people
with nothing to lose
210
00:08:06,016 --> 00:08:07,849
that you're holding a ticket
worth $372 million.
211
00:08:07,851 --> 00:08:08,950
Cla-clack!
212
00:08:08,952 --> 00:08:12,153
Okay, okay. "F."
213
00:08:12,155 --> 00:08:13,788
You got a deal, partner.
214
00:08:13,790 --> 00:08:15,690
[Clicking]
[Gasps]
215
00:08:15,692 --> 00:08:19,628
FYI, I have a very slow
gastrointestinal tract.
216
00:08:19,630 --> 00:08:22,063
You're a real bastard.
To the van.
217
00:08:22,065 --> 00:08:24,299
Where'd the van go?
218
00:08:24,301 --> 00:08:27,936
April Fools you [bleep].
Don't ask me how I did it.
219
00:08:27,938 --> 00:08:29,504
I guess we're walking.
220
00:08:29,506 --> 00:08:33,041
[Moaning]
Oh, yeah.
221
00:08:38,047 --> 00:08:41,249
[Heavy breathing]
222
00:08:41,251 --> 00:08:46,588
Oops. Forgot my breasts.
Silly Callie.
223
00:08:46,590 --> 00:08:49,024
[Moaning]
224
00:08:49,026 --> 00:08:50,325
[Gasps]
225
00:08:50,327 --> 00:08:52,260
Don't bogart the hot water.
226
00:08:52,262 --> 00:08:54,195
Ugh.
227
00:08:54,197 --> 00:08:56,665
[Moaning]
228
00:08:59,301 --> 00:09:03,071
Oops, forgot my penis.
Silly Twayne.
229
00:09:03,073 --> 00:09:06,908
[Screams]
230
00:09:06,910 --> 00:09:08,343
What was that?
231
00:09:08,345 --> 00:09:09,678
Wild boar man.
232
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:11,413
Woods are full of them Hicks.
233
00:09:11,415 --> 00:09:14,749
- Oh, all right.
Today's lesson: Pranks.
234
00:09:14,751 --> 00:09:17,085
Now, while I can take a joke
with the best of them--
235
00:09:17,087 --> 00:09:19,754
witness the "Barney's out
to kill us" charade--
236
00:09:19,756 --> 00:09:22,490
pranks are transferred anger.
237
00:09:22,492 --> 00:09:25,894
Cruelty is never funny.
Hey!
238
00:09:25,896 --> 00:09:27,762
[Laughter]
239
00:09:27,764 --> 00:09:30,465
Doug, sit.
[Sighs]
240
00:09:30,467 --> 00:09:33,334
Look, you're probably
wondering why
241
00:09:33,336 --> 00:09:35,370
I have such an aversion
to pranks.
242
00:09:35,372 --> 00:09:37,939
- Not really.
- My stepdad loved pranks.
243
00:09:37,941 --> 00:09:40,575
Joy buzzers, rubber vomit,
name it.
244
00:09:40,577 --> 00:09:43,578
So on April 1st one year,
when screamed that he wished
245
00:09:43,580 --> 00:09:45,246
he'd never met my mom
and stormed out,
246
00:09:45,248 --> 00:09:47,916
12-year-old Mark thought
it was just another prank.
247
00:09:47,918 --> 00:09:49,350
It wasn't.
248
00:09:49,352 --> 00:09:52,954
- Wow, yeah, that's--
- A great prank?
249
00:09:52,956 --> 00:09:55,423
I wish I could have seen
the look on your mom's face.
250
00:09:55,425 --> 00:09:56,491
[Grumbles]
251
00:09:57,860 --> 00:09:59,360
You're absolutely sure
252
00:09:59,362 --> 00:10:01,129
this is the way back
to New York?
253
00:10:01,131 --> 00:10:04,733
That's the Hudson. Duh.
See the corpses?
254
00:10:04,735 --> 00:10:06,935
We jump in, and it'll float us
back to the city.
255
00:10:06,937 --> 00:10:08,536
Easy peasy.
256
00:10:08,538 --> 00:10:10,205
I can't swim.
257
00:10:10,207 --> 00:10:11,606
That's okay.
I'm a trained lifeguard.
258
00:10:11,608 --> 00:10:13,475
Now, give me the ticket.
259
00:10:13,477 --> 00:10:15,977
- Here's half.
- [Gulps] Yoink.
260
00:10:15,979 --> 00:10:17,245
[Screaming]
261
00:10:17,247 --> 00:10:19,314
Never swallowed the key,
sucker.
262
00:10:19,316 --> 00:10:21,716
[Growling]
263
00:10:21,718 --> 00:10:24,786
[Screams]
264
00:10:24,788 --> 00:10:26,721
[Grunting]
265
00:10:26,723 --> 00:10:28,022
Give me the ticket back.
266
00:10:28,024 --> 00:10:30,225
You've got a bigger problem.
267
00:10:30,227 --> 00:10:32,861
That one's got
an attractive face hole.
268
00:10:32,863 --> 00:10:35,396
I'll never forgive you
for getting me into this.
269
00:10:37,066 --> 00:10:41,069
August 17th:
Those Fools at the D.O.I.
270
00:10:41,071 --> 00:10:43,171
They've left me with nothing
but time
271
00:10:43,173 --> 00:10:45,073
to plot my revenge.
272
00:10:45,075 --> 00:10:46,641
Death is too good for them.
273
00:10:46,643 --> 00:10:48,843
They shall die by prank.
274
00:10:48,845 --> 00:10:51,679
You know, the blood they used
to write Barney's prank journal
275
00:10:51,681 --> 00:10:53,515
looks surprisingly real.
276
00:10:53,517 --> 00:10:58,486
Prank idea: Refill hand
sanitizer with sulfuric acid.
277
00:10:58,488 --> 00:11:00,755
Perfect for Twayne.
278
00:11:00,757 --> 00:11:04,592
To be fair, that would be a
pretty good way to get Twayne.
279
00:11:04,594 --> 00:11:06,427
Callie and I were soul mates.
280
00:11:06,429 --> 00:11:09,030
She understood me like no other.
281
00:11:09,032 --> 00:11:13,234
Twayne loves rats.
Try these.
282
00:11:15,638 --> 00:11:19,174
We were torn apart just as
our true love blossomed.
283
00:11:19,176 --> 00:11:21,242
Freeze, scumbag.
284
00:11:21,244 --> 00:11:24,179
You're under arrest for the
murder of Eric Fogeltaint.
285
00:11:24,181 --> 00:11:27,849
You took away my humanity,
you monster.
286
00:11:27,851 --> 00:11:31,886
Barney, no.
I will always love you.
287
00:11:31,888 --> 00:11:35,890
None of this can be true.
Can it?
288
00:11:35,892 --> 00:11:39,194
Mark, help.
He's stabbing us.
289
00:11:39,196 --> 00:11:41,896
[Screaming]
290
00:11:44,486 --> 00:11:45,853
I read Barney's journal.
291
00:11:45,855 --> 00:11:48,523
I'm not sure what to believe
anymore.
292
00:11:48,525 --> 00:11:51,325
The truth is that Barney and I
were very much in love, Mark.
293
00:11:51,327 --> 00:11:52,927
I'm sorry
you had to find that out
294
00:11:52,929 --> 00:11:54,428
while he's trying to murder you
and all.
295
00:11:54,430 --> 00:11:56,564
How could you love someone
like that?
296
00:11:56,566 --> 00:11:59,500
He is such a douche-nozzle.
297
00:11:59,502 --> 00:12:01,402
Because I'm a demon, Mark.
298
00:12:01,404 --> 00:12:04,105
Evil is literally
our sole characteristic.
299
00:12:04,107 --> 00:12:07,175
Then why are you with me?
300
00:12:07,177 --> 00:12:08,743
[Sighs] I don't know.
301
00:12:08,745 --> 00:12:10,611
At first, it was just
to piss off my dad.
302
00:12:10,613 --> 00:12:12,880
And then it was
to sexually humiliate you.
303
00:12:12,882 --> 00:12:15,216
And then it was
because you have premium cable.
304
00:12:15,218 --> 00:12:18,286
I guess at some point, I just
got used to having you around.
305
00:12:18,288 --> 00:12:22,523
Callie, are you still
in love with Barney?
306
00:12:22,525 --> 00:12:24,325
I don't know. Okay?
307
00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:26,027
I'm a woman in my 20s.
308
00:12:26,029 --> 00:12:27,662
I don't know what I want.
309
00:12:27,664 --> 00:12:32,066
I wonder what
the return policy is on this.
310
00:12:32,068 --> 00:12:34,368
Hi. Yellow cab?
311
00:12:34,370 --> 00:12:36,003
I'm in a forest somewhere,
312
00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:39,674
and I'll pay you 500 grand
for a ride to the city.
313
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:41,943
Hello? Hello?
314
00:12:41,945 --> 00:12:43,911
I have some good news
and some bad news
315
00:12:43,913 --> 00:12:45,346
and then some more good news
316
00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:48,182
and then possibly
more bad news.
317
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:51,953
Good news: They've agreed
not to violate my anus.
318
00:12:51,955 --> 00:12:55,990
Bad news: The fat one
likes the shape of your lips.
319
00:12:55,992 --> 00:12:58,092
Good news:
After he's done with you,
320
00:12:58,094 --> 00:12:59,627
they'll give us a lift
to New York.
321
00:12:59,629 --> 00:13:01,829
And what's the other bad news?
322
00:13:01,831 --> 00:13:03,831
They want half the winnings.
323
00:13:03,833 --> 00:13:07,368
But, hey, the fat one's gonna be
a multimillionaire now,
324
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,769
so he's a pretty great catch.
325
00:13:10,606 --> 00:13:12,306
Where is everyone?
326
00:13:12,308 --> 00:13:14,141
Ah, our friends are dead,
Lilly.
327
00:13:14,143 --> 00:13:15,476
All of them.
328
00:13:15,478 --> 00:13:17,345
And now he's got Callie.
329
00:13:17,347 --> 00:13:19,847
My God, it really isn't
a prank.
330
00:13:19,849 --> 00:13:21,182
Why didn't you tell me?
331
00:13:21,184 --> 00:13:23,017
- Seriously?
- [Screaming]
332
00:13:23,019 --> 00:13:24,552
[Gasps] Callie!
333
00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:25,786
We're coming!
334
00:13:25,788 --> 00:13:27,855
Wait, I've got night blindness.
335
00:13:27,857 --> 00:13:29,390
[Snoring]
336
00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:32,026
Psst.
Where's the lottery ticket?
337
00:13:32,028 --> 00:13:34,762
They trusted me
with that information.
338
00:13:34,764 --> 00:13:37,098
I'm not sure I can
betray a confidence.
339
00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:40,334
I'd be happy to wake them up
and remind them what a pleasure
340
00:13:40,336 --> 00:13:42,470
it would be
to badonka your donk.
341
00:13:42,472 --> 00:13:43,604
[Whispers] It's in his ear.
342
00:13:50,412 --> 00:13:54,682
If I get poison ivy on my junk,
you're applying the aloe.
343
00:13:54,684 --> 00:13:57,218
[Creature squealing]
344
00:13:57,220 --> 00:13:58,953
They mock me for having
a keychain light,
345
00:13:58,955 --> 00:14:00,021
who's laughing now?
346
00:14:00,023 --> 00:14:01,322
[Rustling]
347
00:14:01,324 --> 00:14:04,759
[Groaning]
348
00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:07,762
Oh...
349
00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:10,898
[Screaming]
350
00:14:12,501 --> 00:14:14,201
I never thought I'd be so happy
351
00:14:14,203 --> 00:14:16,003
to see this
piece of [ Bleep] van.
352
00:14:16,005 --> 00:14:18,172
We still got an hour.
Let's roll.
353
00:14:18,174 --> 00:14:21,776
Maybe we should wait
for the others?
354
00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:23,110
Both: April Fools!
355
00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:24,378
[Laughing]
356
00:14:24,380 --> 00:14:26,247
Ah, suckers!
Eat our dust.
357
00:14:28,784 --> 00:14:30,251
- Ah!
- Quiet.
358
00:14:30,253 --> 00:14:31,419
They're nearby.
359
00:14:31,421 --> 00:14:32,486
Mark!
360
00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:37,892
[Laughing]
361
00:14:37,894 --> 00:14:39,794
- Oh!
- [Groaning]
362
00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:41,529
Hello, there.
363
00:14:41,531 --> 00:14:44,365
I'm gonna marry your girlfriend
tonight.
364
00:14:44,367 --> 00:14:45,866
[Laughing]
365
00:14:48,403 --> 00:14:49,837
What?
366
00:14:49,839 --> 00:14:51,572
You're shorter than I imagined.
367
00:14:51,574 --> 00:14:54,208
What does Callie see in you?
368
00:14:54,210 --> 00:14:56,043
Certainly not your hair.
369
00:14:56,045 --> 00:14:57,745
What the hell are you doing?
370
00:14:57,747 --> 00:14:59,580
Oh, getting you camera-ready.
371
00:14:59,582 --> 00:15:01,015
Instead of killing you,
372
00:15:01,017 --> 00:15:03,150
I've decided to give you
a chance
373
00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:05,252
to vie for Callie's love.
374
00:15:05,254 --> 00:15:09,657
And what better way than
through a classic game show?
375
00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:11,292
Hit it.
376
00:15:11,294 --> 00:15:15,363
[Upbeat music]
377
00:15:15,365 --> 00:15:17,498
It's time to meet
our eligible bachelors.
378
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:18,966
Grimes?
379
00:15:18,968 --> 00:15:20,668
I've got a bomb
strapped to my chest, Lilly.
380
00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:21,802
Play along.
381
00:15:21,804 --> 00:15:23,437
Where is Callie?
Callie!
382
00:15:23,439 --> 00:15:26,407
Bachelor number one
enjoys maniacal laughter
383
00:15:26,409 --> 00:15:28,075
and hostage situations.
384
00:15:28,077 --> 00:15:30,344
Please welcome Barney Snodgrass.
385
00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:32,780
[Recorded applause]
386
00:15:32,782 --> 00:15:35,716
Bachelor number two is a
low-level government employee
387
00:15:35,718 --> 00:15:36,917
who'll be dead within the hour.
388
00:15:36,919 --> 00:15:38,152
Welcome Mark Lilly.
389
00:15:38,154 --> 00:15:39,987
[Clapping]
390
00:15:39,989 --> 00:15:43,324
And here's our eligible
bachelorette, Callie Maggotbone.
391
00:15:43,326 --> 00:15:44,925
[Clapping]
392
00:15:44,927 --> 00:15:47,762
Bachelor number one,
say hello to Callie.
393
00:15:47,764 --> 00:15:51,198
Hello, there, sweet mama.
394
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,200
Barney, this is ridiculous.
395
00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:54,935
Let Mark and Grimes go.
396
00:15:54,937 --> 00:15:57,104
It's nice to meet you too.
397
00:15:57,106 --> 00:15:58,539
Bachelor number deuce.
398
00:15:58,541 --> 00:15:59,540
Callie, it's Mark.
399
00:15:59,542 --> 00:16:00,608
Are you hurt?
400
00:16:00,610 --> 00:16:02,543
No names, bachelor number two.
401
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,545
Bachelorette, your question,
please.
402
00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:06,414
Oh, come on.
I'm not reading this.
403
00:16:06,416 --> 00:16:10,418
I could blow all of us up
right now, if you'd prefer.
404
00:16:10,420 --> 00:16:13,854
Bachelor number two,
what's the wildest place
405
00:16:13,856 --> 00:16:16,357
you can imagine us
making whoopee?
406
00:16:16,359 --> 00:16:18,125
Making whoopee? Seriously?
407
00:16:18,127 --> 00:16:21,595
Callie, no matter what happens
to us, I want you to know--
408
00:16:21,597 --> 00:16:23,798
[buzzer sounds]
- I'm wearing a bomb, Lilly.
409
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,132
Answer the goddamn question!
410
00:16:25,134 --> 00:16:26,667
On top of the covers.
411
00:16:26,669 --> 00:16:29,170
Next question, please.
412
00:16:29,172 --> 00:16:30,971
Bachelor number one,
413
00:16:30,973 --> 00:16:33,741
why are we a better match
than number two?
414
00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:35,876
I'm so glad you asked that,
Callie.
415
00:16:35,878 --> 00:16:38,412
Because I'm pure evil,
416
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:41,215
a real grade "a" bastard.
417
00:16:41,217 --> 00:16:44,652
And deep down, you know
that's what you're looking for.
418
00:16:44,654 --> 00:16:47,221
Callie,
I know we've drifted apart
419
00:16:47,223 --> 00:16:49,590
ever since I got locked up
for murder,
420
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,559
but you're my soul mate.
421
00:16:51,561 --> 00:16:55,196
I shivved six guards
just so I could see you again.
422
00:16:55,198 --> 00:16:58,666
That may be the sweetest thing
that anyone has ever said to me.
423
00:16:58,668 --> 00:17:00,234
What?
424
00:17:00,236 --> 00:17:04,004
Baby, you know tiny, black,
bile-pumping heart
425
00:17:04,006 --> 00:17:05,906
that we were meant to be.
426
00:17:05,908 --> 00:17:10,110
Callie Maggotbone,
will you be mine forever?
427
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:13,881
[Gasps]
Oh, Barney.
428
00:17:13,883 --> 00:17:16,550
She's his, Lilly.
And now he's gonna murder us.
429
00:17:16,552 --> 00:17:18,719
Work some of your counseling
bull[bleep].
430
00:17:18,721 --> 00:17:21,689
The time for counseling
is over.
431
00:17:21,691 --> 00:17:23,591
I'm gonna kill
this son of a bitch.
432
00:17:26,382 --> 00:17:27,815
[Breathing heavily]
Made it.
433
00:17:27,817 --> 00:17:31,052
With ten second to spare.
434
00:17:31,054 --> 00:17:33,288
Ticket's no good.
It's mutilated.
435
00:17:33,290 --> 00:17:34,455
What?
436
00:17:35,146 --> 00:17:36,279
If you'd taped it together,
437
00:17:36,281 --> 00:17:37,614
I probably
wouldn't have noticed.
438
00:17:37,616 --> 00:17:38,615
Tough luck, guys.
439
00:17:38,617 --> 00:17:39,896
We can still do that.
440
00:17:40,016 --> 00:17:41,784
But now I would know,
wouldn't I?
441
00:17:41,786 --> 00:17:43,008
Get out of here.
442
00:17:43,128 --> 00:17:49,459
No!
443
00:17:49,461 --> 00:17:51,928
Ah, give me a quick pick.
444
00:17:53,967 --> 00:17:55,771
Tough break, kiddo.
445
00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:58,575
I'll think of you
while we're making whoopee.
446
00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:01,056
Hell, we'll name our first kid
Mark.
447
00:18:01,176 --> 00:18:02,375
How's that sound?
448
00:18:02,377 --> 00:18:03,610
[Laughing]
449
00:18:03,612 --> 00:18:05,678
[Screaming]
450
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,150
This is for you, Callie.
451
00:18:11,152 --> 00:18:12,148
[Camera snaps and whirs]
452
00:18:12,373 --> 00:18:14,754
All: April Fools!
453
00:18:14,756 --> 00:18:18,491
We got you. We so got you.
[Laughing]
454
00:18:18,493 --> 00:18:21,160
- This is for you, Callie.
- [Laughing]
455
00:18:21,162 --> 00:18:22,762
[Stammering]
You were all dead.
456
00:18:22,764 --> 00:18:24,397
I saw you.
457
00:18:24,399 --> 00:18:27,300
Nope. All a prank.
None of it's true.
458
00:18:27,302 --> 00:18:29,969
Meet Jeff Polyquinn,
a homicidal maniac
459
00:18:29,971 --> 00:18:33,273
and occasional community theater
actor that I busted last year.
460
00:18:33,275 --> 00:18:35,341
You may have seen me as Tevye
461
00:18:35,343 --> 00:18:37,810
in the surf light theater's
rendition of Fiddler.
462
00:18:37,812 --> 00:18:40,046
I strangled the stage manager.
463
00:18:40,048 --> 00:18:42,215
So you don't love this maniac.
464
00:18:42,217 --> 00:18:45,051
In love? Pbbbt.
[Giggles]
465
00:18:45,053 --> 00:18:47,320
I never even met him
before today.
466
00:18:47,322 --> 00:18:49,555
You are so gullible.
467
00:18:49,557 --> 00:18:52,992
I can't believe you didn't
recognize my handwriting, Lilly.
468
00:18:52,994 --> 00:18:54,627
Grimes told me if I helped him
469
00:18:54,629 --> 00:18:56,262
pull off the prank
to end all pranks
470
00:18:56,264 --> 00:18:57,897
he'd release me.
471
00:18:57,899 --> 00:19:00,733
I'm free, bitches.
472
00:19:00,735 --> 00:19:02,568
Nope. No, you're not.
473
00:19:02,570 --> 00:19:03,636
What?
474
00:19:03,638 --> 00:19:05,171
All: April Fools!
475
00:19:05,173 --> 00:19:06,906
Didn't you think it was weird
I had you escape
476
00:19:06,908 --> 00:19:08,641
instead of just releasing you?
477
00:19:08,643 --> 00:19:11,210
They'll add ten years
to your sentence for that.
478
00:19:11,212 --> 00:19:12,645
Double prank.
479
00:19:12,647 --> 00:19:14,447
I'll kill you.
480
00:19:14,449 --> 00:19:17,483
I'll kill all of you!
481
00:19:17,485 --> 00:19:18,718
Ha, ha.
482
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,153
Crazy people are so gullible.
483
00:19:20,155 --> 00:19:21,821
Where are you going?
484
00:19:21,823 --> 00:19:24,123
Home. Been a long day.
485
00:19:26,093 --> 00:19:28,594
Fine, I'll admit
this was a little cruel.
486
00:19:28,596 --> 00:19:30,897
But something valuable
did come out of it.
487
00:19:30,899 --> 00:19:33,166
What? A picture of me
about to murder someone
488
00:19:33,168 --> 00:19:35,234
that'll be papered around
the office for years?
489
00:19:35,236 --> 00:19:39,505
Yes, but also I saw
you really care about me
490
00:19:39,507 --> 00:19:41,941
more than anyone ever has.
491
00:19:41,943 --> 00:19:45,378
You truly care about me.
492
00:19:45,380 --> 00:19:47,046
Did you just choke up?
493
00:19:47,048 --> 00:19:48,715
Ha, never.
494
00:19:48,717 --> 00:19:53,019
But can I say that your jealous
side--a real turn on.
495
00:19:53,021 --> 00:19:56,889
I don't have a ring,
but I've got something better.
496
00:19:56,891 --> 00:19:59,292
Harry Connick Jr's autograph.
497
00:19:59,294 --> 00:20:04,797
Mark Lilly, will you get
engaged to be engaged with me?
498
00:20:04,799 --> 00:20:08,434
After all this, I--
499
00:20:08,436 --> 00:20:09,936
I just can't.
500
00:20:09,938 --> 00:20:12,205
Callie, I'm sorry.
The answer's no.
501
00:20:12,207 --> 00:20:13,373
What?
502
00:20:13,375 --> 00:20:15,208
April Fools.
503
00:20:17,378 --> 00:20:20,747
Sometimes relationships
need to be tested.
504
00:20:20,749 --> 00:20:22,348
Wow, this guy's really upset.
505
00:20:22,350 --> 00:20:25,284
The bad ones
usually go nowhere.
506
00:20:25,286 --> 00:20:26,919
- You're free to go.
- Really?
507
00:20:26,921 --> 00:20:29,589
You told me I'd rot in here.
[Laughing]
508
00:20:29,591 --> 00:20:34,093
But the good ones
might just last forever.
509
00:20:34,095 --> 00:20:36,896
Where to, you crazy kids?
510
00:20:36,898 --> 00:20:38,531
Buffalo wild wings.
511
00:20:38,533 --> 00:20:41,134
It's all you can eat
jalapeno poppers night.
512
00:20:41,136 --> 00:20:44,337
I guess your heart isn't as
small as you made it out to be.
513
00:20:44,339 --> 00:20:45,938
Oh, it is.
514
00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:49,075
There's only room in it for you.
515
00:20:52,679 --> 00:20:54,847
Suck my balls!
516
00:20:54,967 --> 00:21:00,096
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
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