- Right here? - Yep.
Okay.
I've never done this before. What do I do?
Just be yourself.
Try and forget that there's a camera here.
Okay.
Tell me about yourself. Where are you from?
- Texas. - Texas? Really?
What brings you to Wyoming?
My boyfriend and I wanted to, uh...
Well, ex-boyfriend.
We wanted to see all 50 states, like,
to say that we had seen all of the states before, um...
Um...
Shit.
I'm so sorry.
Hey.
You don't need to apologize.
It's so embarrassing.
No, it's not.
Hey, look at me.
You're beautiful, okay? It's fine.
Just keep talking. Okay?
So, yeah, we...
We wanted to have this big adventure...
before the baby came.
So... that was the plan.
Then...
And then he just left.
And I... I...
And I don't know if it was me or if he just...
he just didn't want to be a dad.
Have you told your family?
No.
No, my mom, she never liked him, and I...
I don't want to hear "I told you so."
Uh, I'm... I'm terrified.
Like, I knew he was risky,
but, like... fuck it.
Everyone's risky.
I don't know.
I'm so sorry.
I'm just blah, you know? I just...
I haven't really had a chance to talk to anyone about it yet and I, um...
I really needed that. Thank you.
What the fuck?
It's just not quite right.
Yeah, I don't feel sorry for her.
- She's not sympathetic. - Because she seems angry.
- That's it. She seems angry. - Mmm-hmm.
What about her look?
Eh, it's okay.
She kinda looks like that one girl in that thing.
From the, uh...
The movie about the junkies in Central Park.
Yes. I hated it. Did you like it?
- No. - Bad. It was bad.
It was horrible.
Did you want me to try it again or...
No, that was great.
It says here that you did your BFA in acting at Columbia.
Yeah.
I have a friend who went through that program.
It's a great program. Yeah.
What year did you graduate?
Hmm?
You might know each other.
I might. What's his name?
Hmm.
Kevin Wetmore.
Mmm. He might have been before me.
Mmm-hmm. How do you know he wasn't after you?
Hmm.
And you're okay with nudity, right?
Uh, no, um, it's just not for me.
Oh, no, I'm... I'm sure they're fine.
Mmm.
- All right. Well, we'll be in touch. - Mmm-hmm. Mmm.
Okay. Um...
- Well, great. Thank you guys so much. - Yes.
Thank you.
Um...
Have a great rest of your day. Always nice to see you.
- Like as well. - You too.
Thanks.
- Okay. Sheryl. - Yeah?
- No. - No.
Uh... Oh, Janet.
- Janet. - Janet.
And I really appreciate that you keep inviting me to audition.
I would just love it so much
if you could look up from the table when I'm reading the scene.
That would just... Just really make my day.
Okay.
It's a big deal.
Network execs don't always give actors direct notes,
but that's the best part.
This one pulls me over, he says, "Your face."
"Something about your face has a lot of character."
Which is great. Which means if I test well,
they'll make me a recurring cast member.
Not every single episode, but, you know, it's...
Hey, how's it going?
- Hi. - How'd it go?
Um... Yeah, not... I don't...
Not that great.
- What? You're kidding. - Yeah.
I know. I know. I made you run all those lines with me again for nothing.
No, acting is never wasted time.
I was acting, you were acting. Actors act.
- Well, that's very sweet, Terry. - No. I'm being real.
All right. I'm not being sweet, I'm being sincere.
That choice you made when you started whispering
when you were talking about your mom? It gave me goosebumps.
It sounds like your thing went well, huh?
I don't want to talk... Yes. I mean, it went very well.
I wanna hear all about it.
You're just so good. I don't know how you're not booking anything.
- Hello? - Hi, Sheryl, I have Helen for you.
Terry. I just need one second.
Oh, yeah, no problem.
- Hey, sorry I missed your call. - Mmm-hmm.
- I had a client walk off set. - Yeah.
The director fired a gun. It's just chaos.
Oh, wow. That's, um...
No, that sounds crazy.
No, I just walked in the door. Did they call already?
They loved you.
No, I really don't think they did.
Well, they thought you weren't quite right for this one.
- So good. - They said you seemed a little too...
Yeah, I'm auditioning in a couple weeks I think.
They just weren't sure that you were passionate about the project.
I mean, I am trying, but sure, yeah.
I feel like we've been getting that feedback a lot lately.
Are you still working with that acting coach? Can we find you a...
- Um... Look, Helen? - Yeah? Yeah.
Um...
I think I can maybe just beat you to the punch a little bit here.
- Yeah, I'm rambling. You go ahead. - Mmm-hmm.
I'm working really hard and I'm accomplishing very little, so...
I'm not really sure what I'm doing in L.A. anymore.
Oh, lots of people go through that.
Right.
Helen, I can barely afford my rent.
Hold that thought. Robin, hand me that.
- Thank you. Sheryl? Honey? - Yeah?
Okay, sweetie, you know the ABC Studios where they shoot all those...
Mmm-hmm.
You know the one.
- The stages in the Valley. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I booked you a guest spot on a TV show.
- Wait, really? - Yep. Yeah, you bet. Friday.
Right, but I didn't audition.
You didn't have to.
I sent them your resume, they think you're perfect.
Um... What's the show?
Bachelor number three,
if I were an ice cream sundae,
what flavor would you want me to be and how would you eat me?
If you were my ex-wife, I'd have to say Rocky Road.
Um... I need a drink.
- I'm a vanilla man myself. - Yeah.
I didn't think I'd come out here and be famous. I just...
I thought if I was disciplined, and I have been...
Yeah, you're locked in your apartment running lines.
I can hear you most of the time.
I have notes.
I have a few notes.
I haven't even been on a date in two years
'cause I didn't want the distraction.
And now the...
I don't know. Helen...
Helen says it's good because it'll get me seen,
and Sally Field was on the show, so she's not totally wrong.
But still, it just feels...
Beneath you?
You think I'm being a brat.
No, it's beneath you, but I still think it's a good thing.
The show?
- No shit. - Why?
Because you're gonna meet some cheese ball guy
who you'll spend all of two minutes with and you'll hate,
and then you'll be back here.
Right here at the bar laughing about it with me.
Why will I hate him?
'Cause he's gonna be a dork.
And you'd rather be hanging out with me.
- Yes, obviously. - Obviously.
I mean, you're basically my only friend out here.
Well...
And that's good.
All right, shall we? Another?
Uh, no, I probably shouldn't. I, you know...
got my big break coming up, so...
I don't want to look like garbage for that.
You could never look like garbage.
You always look beautiful.
That's sweet.
Oh, my God. Sorry.
That just took me by surprise. Um...
No, that just tickled for, um...
That just took me by surprise.
Sorry, I'm... I...
I think I'm a little jumpy. I had a weird... Pretty weird day.
Yeah, no, I...
I get it.
Okay, great.
Do you want to leave?
No. Um...
No, we should have another one.
Wake up.
Can't stay here.
- Pack it up. - Yeah, okay.
Let's keep it moving.
Hey.
You need to keep this aisle clear.
You can't just sleep here.
Unbelievable.
Shit, shit, shit.
- Shit. - Hey!
Hey! Get back here!
Hey! Hey! God damn it!
Fucking bitch.
♪ Be grandmother for ♪
♪ She don't believe no more ♪
♪ She don't believe ♪
♪ No one hurries home to call you, baby ♪
Can I help you with something, buddy?
I'm... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
I just saw you sitting there...
and the light is perfect.
You're beautiful.
What?
Did I say something?
I look pretty fucking far from beautiful right now.
What are you talking about? You look gorgeous.
You got this... Like a...
Like a Linda Manz thing going on.
I don't know who that is.
She was in that movie, uh, Days of Heaven.
Well, consider me fucking swooned.
So you ever done any modeling before?
Dude, I'm broke as shit. So whatever you're trying to sell me...
I'm not trying to sell you anything. I'm serious.
There's this photo contest that I want to enter.
I've been looking for a subject.
I think you'd be perfect for it.
Hold that pose.
- Hold what pose? - That pose.
Now look over your left shoulder.
That's your right. Your other left.
There you go. Now look right into the lens right here
and give me that look you just gave me.
Come on. There she is.
Look at you. One more.
You know, Farrah Fawcett, she's got nothing on you.
So what do you say?
- Lisa. - Sheryl.
- Hi. I'm so sorry I'm late. - No, it's fine.
There was an accident on the 101 and...
Do you need anything? I can get you coffee, water?
Uh, no, thank you.
- Have you eaten? I can get you a bagel. - No, really, I'm fine.
Helen tells me you're from Pennsylvania.
Um, Allentown, yeah.
- Oh, I went to Penn State. - Oh, uh...
Go Lady Lions.
- Can I get you a water? - You asked me that already.
- Okay, right through here. - Great.
Great.
So you excited about this? How you feeling?
Um, good. Yeah, I think it'll be fun.
It'll be so fun. I promise. We'll get you through hair and makeup.
I saw your bachelors backstage. You got a good batch.
Oh, really? What are they like?
- They're idiots, all of them. - I don't know where they get 'em from.
- From under a rock. - Right?
Do you remember that one guy that we had on the show? Um, filmmaker.
- Oh, Jesus Christ. - Oh, my God.
He was beautiful,
but I'm telling you, the IQ of a lug nut.
Oh, it was really too bad.
- You want some? - No. I'm...
So he shows up with his identical twin brother
and he says, "Oh, I'm making a movie."
"We're both acting in it."
"I'm the star, but he's playing my best friend."
His identical twin brother is playing his best friend.
- What the hell is that? - Brilliant.
- I love it. - Oh, God.
Is it possible to get a guy in this town that isn't a maniac?
Or a total moron.
Hello. Hey, how's everybody doing?
Whoa, a room full of beautiful women.
Put that skunk weed away. You're going to get me in trouble.
What's up, Marilyn? So this is Sheryl.
- Yeah, hi. - They told me that you went to Juilliard.
- No. - Well, that's fantastic.
So I guess you're a real music freak? Do you like the sound of this?
Yeah, it's cool.
There you go. See?
Women love that Black sound.
Come on, whatever happened to Tony Bennett?
Whatever happened to Bing Crosby?
I mean, if you want soul, listen to Perry Como singing "Moonglow."
- Hey, can you do me a favor? - Yeah.
Okay. You're an intelligent girl, anyone can see that.
But when you get on that stage,
I don't want you to play so smart, all right?
The guys are getting intimidated.
- You know boys, they're babies. - Right.
You know? That's right.
I just need you to laugh and smile just over and over.
- Can you do that for me? - Sure.
- I'd appreciate it. - Of course.
There you go. You have a beautiful smile.
- Mr. Burke, your wife's on the phone. - Yeah?
Okay, thanks. Is this... Is this the dress you're wearing?
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, Bruce. Hey, Bruce, can you hear me?
- Yes. - Yeah,
can we get her in something a little more flattering?
She's got the body, so let's use it.
All right. Thank you so much.
Looks perfect.
The audience is filling up. Everyone's getting excited.
Great.
Looks great. Actually, know what?
Maybe we should try the updo.
Yeah, whatever you want.
- Yeah? - I like it down.
You like it down? Okay, let's do down.
Great.
Nice and flowing. Fabulous.
Careful. Smooth it out. Watch the car.
Relax, Mom, it's fine.
This is it?
It doesn't look like a television studio.
Mom, how would you know? You've never seen one.
Hey, don't talk back to your mother.
Just looks so drab.
What you see on TV, all these lights and stages.
- There's lights inside, I promise. - Doesn't it look drab?
Should we grab the umbrellas? It's gonna rain.
Gonna rain? Come on. Let's hurry it up.
How are you holding up?
I don't know.
I'm feeling a little drab.
On TV, they have all those big lights and stages.
Yeah, yeah.
So what do you think?
- It's great. - Awesome.
We're ready for you.
Okay.
All right, everybody. Let's get started.
Fine to start without the live feed.
It's fine. Good to go.
Ed's ready backstage.
Live from the Chuck Barris Stages in Hollywood, California,
it's The Dating Game. And now your host, Ed Burke.
Oh, thank you so much. Thank you so much.
You're too kind.
Welcome back to The Dating Game.
I'm your host Ed Burke,
and we're absolutely thrilled you're all joining us tonight.
And who knows? Will today be the day that sparks fly?
All right, Ed's just doing his intro now.
- As soon as he's done... - Wait, he's on right now?
Mmm-hmm. Okay, oh, just watch your step here.
- Be careful. - Sorry.
Now, this is a program...
Okay, right over here now. Stop, stop.
...and one very pretty girl.
- Okay. - We give her a chance to question
the gentlemen...
Okay, now you're just around here.
- Up these steps. - Okay. Great.
And then what, I'm just on?
- Mmm-hmm. You okay? - Uh-huh.
Great. Have fun.
...show you how we play the game. Come with me.
Before we meet our three eligible bachelors,
I think we should meet our lovely bachelorette.
I had the chance to meet her backstage and she is ready for a connection.
Sally Field. Sally Field. Sally Field.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the woman of the hour, Sheryl!
Shit.
I gotta get out of here.
Somewhere I can see the sky.
Yeah, I can't wait.
No, the place is great. It's coming together.
I'm still seeing you this weekend, right?
Yeah, well, you better, 'cause you're in the doghouse now.
Shit.
Sorry. Coming.
Coming.
Hey, hey.
- Hey, is this for 2-A? - It is.
'Kay, great. Here, I'll let you in.
We've been ringing the apartment for ten minutes.
Sorry, I was in the shower. I didn't hear it.
Tommy, let's go.
What?
You're just gonna leave it all out here?
Wish we could help, but we have a schedule to keep.
Hey, Ansel Adams.
- It's, like, the last thing. - Yeah. It better be.
Yeah. I think it is.
Okay. Almost. Okay.
You want a beer?
You've never heard of Roman Polanski?
- He's the doorman at the Ice Palace? - No, no, no. No.
Big guy with the tattoos?
No. He's the short guy
who directed Repulsion and Rosemary's Baby.
- Are those movies or... - You're killing me.
- I'm trying to name-drop here. - Drop away, man.
No, because you don't know who I'm talking about
so it's not as impressive.
You're fucking with me.
Have I seen Rosemary's Baby? Come on.
What? I don't know. Maybe you don't like scary movies.
I don't like scary movies, but I've seen Rosemary's-fucking-Baby.
Okay, so I took a class with him at NYU, all right?
With Roman Polanski, I mean. And that's it.
- That's all I wanted to say. - Very impressive.
Do you feel better now?
You still go there?
I just graduated.
Congratulations. That's amazing.
So what now?
I'm off to New Hampshire, actually.
Yeah. I'm gonna be teaching kids photography.
Very cool.
Yeah.
You know, it's crazy.
It's my last day here,
and I meet you.
Like, it's so hard to meet people, you know, that you can connect with, so...
when I do I just... I like to savor the moment, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah, no, I'm... I'm the same way.
Hey, so I should probably get this shit together.
I mean, this place is a mess. I have to get unpacking.
It's, like, such a disaster. I don't know where anything is gonna go,
it's, ugh, a bit insane.
But thank you so much for your help.
It was very, very, very useful, so...
So, you said you were a stewardess?
Uh, yeah.
Well, what's that like?
Well, I get to get groped by sweaty businessman
while putting things in the overhead,
so what's not to love?
But, no, it is great.
I mean, I get to see the world and travel for free and...
I mean, I get to go to Egypt next week.
I've always wanted to go to Egypt, so I'm very excited.
I think at first I was afraid that I was gonna get lonely
being away from home, but my airline is amazing...
Can I take your picture?
There she is. What a beauty.
Come on down here, darling.
There we go. You just stand right there for me.
Sheryl is an aspiring actress from Scranton, Pennsylvania.
She used to work massaging feet,
but quit when her boss asked her to work her way up.
She moved here from L.A. after graduating college
and now is hoping to find a Romeo to complement her Juliet.
My goodness, you are a beauty. What a knockout. How you doing?
- Uh, doing well. - Okay. Fantastic.
- Are you ready to get this party started? - Yeah.
Okay, well, let the games begin.
The rules of the game are simple.
There are three bachelors behind this partition.
You can ask them whatever you like except for their name, age or occupation.
At the end, you pick which one you'd like to go out with.
- Sound good? - Great.
"A" camera, get ready for the snap zoom.
Hi, Sheryl, pleased to make your pleasure.
No, I mean, pleasure to meet your, um...
- Save that talk for the date. - Pleasure to make your acquaintance.
There we go. Third time's a charm. Bachelor number two?
Hello, Sheryl.
Hello, hello, hello.
If you want to groove, pick number two.
Oh, my God, is he stuck like that?
We'll have to find out.
And would you please say hello to Sheryl, bachelor number three?
Lights up on number three.
We're gonna have a great time together, Sheryl.
He's confident.
Now you know what they sound like, are you ready to take the next step?
I think I am.
- Do you have your question set? - Sure do.
Let's take a seat and make yourself comfortable.
And here we go.
Oh, Jesus, Ed. Okay, cue the "applause" sign.
Bachelor number one,
we're in a drama class and it's the big audition.
You're a nerdy schoolboy asking me out on a date.
Take it away.
- Ooh! - Uh...
Hey, I... I'm a...
You know, I'm a nerdy schoolboy. Do you want to go on a date?
Is that it?
- Yeah. - Well, we got a genius.
Pan to number two.
I like it, bachelor number one.
Um, bachelor number two, you're the captain of the football team.
Go.
Hey there, Peggy Sue...
Hey, you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I was thinking if you weren't doing nothing,
maybe we could play a game of touch football.
I'd be shirts, you'd be skins.
I don't know. That sounds awfully rough.
Rough and rowdy, that's the way I like it, babe.
Bachelor number three, you're the accomplished professor.
Go for it.
Young lady, I'm gonna need you to stay after class
and have a word with me.
Oh. Do you need to teach me a lesson?
Yes. Yes, I do.
In fact, you're going to have to bend over...
backwards with dedication.
Okay, um, bachelor number one...
If I served you for dinner, what would you be?
Uh, I am the buffet.
I gotta get out of here.
- Right now? It's the middle of the show. - Gotta go to the bathroom.
Everything okay?
- Look, stop. - Where's she going?
Bachelor number two?
Oh, I'm a big old green salad with the vinaigrette on the side,
because I like things undressed.
Ah, that's funny.
Bachelor number one...
Jesus, what the fuck was that?
- Guys, what was that? - Was that part of the show?
What do we do?
Somebody down there get Ed's attention.
Ed. Say something.
Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of round one,
and I think we're going to hear from our sponsors.
- We'll be right back. - Go to commercial. Go to two.
What the fuck was that?
'Kay, everyone, we're resetting. Someone clean that up.
What the fuck was that?
Oh, baby, you're doing amazing. Just knocking it out of the park.
Great.
Hey, the magic of television. Huh?
We got some time. Who's here from out of town?
Hollywood, first time? Oh!
Bet you didn't think it was gonna be that exciting.
Right, just clean this up.
Look, this is not my job. She came from over there.
Goddamnit.
Um, do you know where...
He's probably somewhere upstairs holding court.
Yeah, I met her at Warren Beatty's house.
Warren Beatty's house. Listen to this fucking guy.
Hey, uh, Rodney?
- This is the new guy, Mario, right? - Yeah.
And her parents let you take this?
Let me? They paid me.
No.
I can see it. I think it'd be great. That's how the industry works.
Yeah, I know how it works.
- She's just 13. - Yeah, but, I mean, come on.
Girls these days...
You know, I took that one in Malibu a few weeks ago.
Yeah. It's nice.
You know, I was just thinking maybe going there later today.
I usually find my subject at the beach, but...
You'd look great in that light, so, you know, if you're around...
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm not... I'm not busy.
You're not busy.
I'm free whenever.
- Rod. Rod? - Yeah?
Some people are here to see you.
Yeah, who? Warren Beatty?
It's the police.
Oh, yeah, no, um, my place, it was jacked last week, so...
Some of the camera equipment was lost.
They're probably just following up on that, you know?
All right. See you guys later.
Party's over.
Well, that's... That's your job, right?
It's not my job.
Yeah. Yeah, you know, we always gotta check these things out.
You're just doing your job.
Sorry for the misunderstanding.
It's okay. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it.
Fuck.
Hey.
Uh, so, um...
Later, I can't,
'cause they actually want me to stay late
because I...
There's like, nobody here. Short on staff.
Um...
Another time?
Yeah.
I'll find someone else.
Okay.
Sorry.
Alison?
Al, are you in there?
Hey, Al, I've been calling for a while and I'm just a little worried about you.
Okay, I'm gonna use the spare.
Now, I'm coming in, okay? If you're in there, I'm coming in.
Yeah, it's all good. All good.
Excuse me.
Gotta work in here.
What'd I tell you? Lug nuts.
- How am I doing? - You're great. Fabulous.
What is it? What's the matter?
Oh, nothing. Nothing.
I'm trying to do what Ed said. Just feels a little weird. That's all.
Oh, fuck Ed.
No disrespect, but fuck him.
This isn't a sitcom, you're not coming back next week.
What's Ed gonna do? Fire you?
You're supposed to be having fun. That's the whole point.
So just be yourself. Say whatever you want.
Do either of you have a pen?
- Yeah, here you go. - Thank you.
She looks fine.
- Yeah, she's gorgeous. - Yeah.
Yeah. Look at these guys.
Thank you.
Don't mind if I do.
No, thanks.
Too small.
Seriously, anything under a C cup, can't do it.
What about her?
You haven't seen her yet. What if she's petite?
I'll let her blow me.
No, you won't.
I won't? And why is that?
Because I always get the girl.
You guys all set down there?
Check in with Matthew to see how close we are.
He says he just needs 30 seconds.
"B" camera, come on. We're up and running.
In place, everyone.
Ladies, stop messing with her hair. I know you're barely touching her.
We're ready for you.
- Don't let that throw you. You got this. - Okay, Mr. Burke.
Hey, you guys good? You need anything? Okay, great.
We're on.
Laura. Are you okay?
- Hey. - I know bachelor number three.
Oh.
Did you date him or something?
No, I didn't date him. I... He...
Do you remember my friend Alison, the one who was...
Yeah. I remember you talking about her.
And there was that guy at the beach and...
I shouldn't have left her there. I...
I told her to be careful, and I knew that there was something wrong.
I knew something was off about that guy.
- You gave his description to the police. - Yeah. That's the guy.
Bachelor number three?
Um...
How sure are you?
I'm pretty sure.
- Pretty sure? - Like 90%.
But you're not positive.
I'm just saying this guy might look really similar, right?
I'm not saying that I don't believe you, Laura.
I mean, if this guy did what you're implying, then...
wouldn't he be in jail and not on a TV show?
I don't know. I...
It's a big TV show.
You don't think they vet their contestants?
- I... - Maybe it is the guy, right?
And maybe the police, they looked into him and they cleared him.
Look, I love you.
And I'm really sorry that you lost your friend.
It must feel like he's around every corner.
I can't even imagine, but...
I'm just not sure what you want me to do.
Get out.
- What? - Get out.
- Laura... - Now!
Okay, everyone. Here we go. Look alive.
We're back into it in five, four, three, two...
All right. Welcome back to The Dating Game.
Thank you for bearing through that, uh, technical difficulty.
Back to the show. Sheryl, the floor is yours. Take it away.
Bachelor number one,
Einstein said that sitting on a hot stove for a minute feels like an hour,
but sitting next to a nice girl for an hour feels like a minute.
That was his theory of special relativity. What's yours?
Um...
What?
I'll come back to you.
Wait. Was that the actual question?
Bachelor number two, when you invite a girl out for dinner,
- what do you expect in return? - Ooh.
Uh...
I guess that depends on the meal. Are we talking filet mignon, or what?
That's a good question, are we?
Yeah. Sure. I'm a generous guy.
- Good to know. - Are these the scripted questions?
Since I'm spending an arm and a leg on dinner,
I'd like to think that she could at least provide the dessert.
Oh, and what would you order for dessert?
- Oh, you know. - No, I don't. Tell me.
Something hot.
Like cherries flambé?
Yeah, with lots of whipped cream.
Sorry, I'm on a diet.
Bachelor number one, how's that theory of special relativity coming along?
- Hmm? - Groovy, keep at it.
Bachelor number three,
what's the difference between a boy and a man?
A boy thinks that buying a woman dinner means she owes him something.
Okay, and what does a man think?
Well, for starters,
he knows better than to start talking about dessert
before he's made it through dinner.
That's not bad.
Bachelor number one, any luck?
Keep up, she's going back to the genius.
I can't.
Okay. Should I be taking notes, teacher, or...
Oh, it will be on the final exam, Ed.
That's good.
Bachelor number three, your buddy's drawing a blank.
Want to help him out?
With his theory of special relativity?
Yeah.
Whether it's for a minute or for an hour,
I'd like to sit relatively close to a special girl
whenever I get the chance.
How's that?
That's pretty good. That's not bad.
Bachelor number one, I threw you a curveball last time.
I'll say. I didn't know I needed to be an astrologer to be on this show.
- Do you mean an astronomer? - Is there a difference?
Do you want there to be?
- Um, no. - By the way,
Einstein was a physicist, not an astronomer. Doesn't matter.
Are you gonna ask me a question?
I just asked you two, but sure.
In the Groundwork of the Metaphysics of Morals,
- Immanuel Kant argues... - She'll give him a heart attack.
I don't...
I'm kidding. Bachelor number one, I'm kidding.
I'm just having fun with you.
Bachelor number one, this is nice and easy.
What are girls for?
Uh, what do you mean?
Just what I said. What are girls for?
Jeez, you're getting edgy with this one.
Oh, want to go back to Immanuel Kant?
No, no, I can do this.
Good to hear it. I believe in you, bachelor number one.
Thank you.
Uh, girls are for...
guys.
And... you know, having fun with.
Well, Gloria Steinem would be proud.
Being a little hard on the boys.
- I think we're all having fun. - Of course.
Aren't we having fun?
See? We're having so much fun.
Bachelor number two, what are girls for?
Uh... Why does this feel like a trap?
I don't know. Why does it?
Well, because if I say girls are for wining and dining,
then I sound like a jerk,
and if I say they're for respecting or whatever,
then I just sound like a schmuck looking to get laid.
Okay, bachelor number two, I think you answered my question.
Hey, wait. No, I didn't mean it like that.
Moving on.
Bachelor number three, I'm counting on you.
What are girls for?
I... No.
No. No one's beaten Ali twice.
Yeah, I don't think so.
Uh, Jim, give me a second. Can I help you with something?
Um, I need to speak with someone on The Dating Game.
You want tickets, you need go to guest relations.
Go back down the hallway, take a right.
I don't want to see the show. I just came from there.
I need to speak with someone who works on it,
like a producer or something.
What for?
There's someone on the show right now who shouldn't be there.
Who shouldn't be there? Your boyfriend?
- No. - Husband?
Last year, a friend of mine was raped and murdered,
and the police never...
I think that the guy that killed her is up on that stage right now.
Bachelor number three.
And this is a very dangerous man, so can you just call someone for me?
Please.
Hey, Jim, I'm gonna have to call you back. Yeah.
What are girls for?
Yeah, that's right.
Hmm. I guess I'd have to say that that's up to the girl.
That's a very good answer.
Oh, yeah, we love that.
Um...
Bachelor number three, I have a follow-up question.
Shoot.
You've been with the other bachelors for a while now.
We've talked for a bit, yeah.
Okay. Tell me, what's the most disgusting thing
bachelors one and two have said or done backstage?
Besides coming on this show, of course.
That's good.
Oh, gosh. Um...
That's a tough one. If I'm being honest,
bachelor number one didn't really say anything disgusting.
That's, uh... That's true. I didn't.
And what about bachelor number two?
Um, I can't repeat it word for word as how we're on television and all, but...
he had some thoughts about bra sizes
being a prerequisite for a meaningful relationship.
Oh. Is that right?
Oh, darn it, that signals the end of our game.
Sheryl, it's time to make a decision.
Why don't you sit right there, analyze what you heard?
We're going to take a little time for you
to make a decision about the very fine products...
You can wait in the office here. Someone will be with you shortly.
Who?
George Elliot. Series producer.
You can have a seat if you like.
He'll be able to help you. Good luck.
Thank you.
Really.
And we'll be right back.
And we're out.
After the show, I want this cunt out of here.
I never want to see her again.
I know. I'm so sorry, sir.
So who you gonna pick?
- Oh, knock it off. - What? I'm just asking.
Do you think I went too far?
I think he thinks you went too far.
He thinks everything is too far.
Yeah, but do you, though?
Honey, I've been on the show since 1968
and I've seen more idiots flirting back and forth than I can count.
The one thing I've learned is no matter what words they use,
the question beneath the question remains the same.
All right. What's the question?
Which one of you will hurt me?
You just asked it clearer than most.
Hey, man, what the fuck?
Why would you tell her that?
She asked.
Fuck you.
You know what? Soon as this show's over, you and me, we're gonna have words.
Is that right?
Well, what if I don't show?
You gonna hire somebody to track me down?
Fucking pussy.
You know what? I have a better idea.
Why don't we swap contact information so we know where to find each other?
Okay. Yeah.
Stocker Street, Glendale. Yeah, I know where that is.
Here.
Jesus, what the fuck is that, man?
It's fake.
You fucking weirdo.
Yeah.
All right, folks, everyone in place.
That's enough. Let's get out of here.
Let's move this chair. Get up, Sheryl.
We've had an entire commercial break to get rid of this. Come on. Go.
Here, right there.
- And five, four, three, two... - Go, go.
Boys are babies, right?
Welcome back to The Dating Game.
Sheryl, you have played this game beautifully,
but now it is time to make a decision.
Our bachelors were cool, candid, sharp and, uh, patient,
but only one of them can get the date.
Will it be bachelor number one,
bachelor number two or bachelor number three?
Sheryl, who is the lucky guy?
- Number three. - Number three.
My, my, my. Let me ask you, Sheryl,
what about number three appealed to you the most?
He knows what girls are for.
Before we meet bachelor number three,
let me introduce you to bachelor number one.
From Sherman Oaks,
he is a medical intern and desires to own his own practice.
His hobbies include reading and golf.
Please welcome Josh Young.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
Wonderful job. Marvelous job.
Bachelor number two is a furniture designer from Glendale
who enjoys Frisbee and dancing.
Sheryl, please meet Arnie Aslan.
Careful with that asshole.
Thank you, gentlemen.
We have some very fine parting gifts for you right out this way.
It is time to come face to face with the bachelor you did choose,
but, first, I'd like to tell you a little bit about him.
Bachelor number three hails from the great state of Texas.
He's a skydiver, into motorcycling, and is a fine photographer.
Please welcome Rodney Alcala.
- How are you? - Nice to meet you.
- So nice to meet you.
Well, you did it, Rodney.
You offered some great answers to some very tricky questions
- and you got the girl. - Thanks, Ed.
Rodney and Sheryl, pack your bags,
you're going on an all-expense paid trip to Carmel, California.
Thanks for joining us.
We'll see you next time on The Dating Game.
And we're out.
- Great job, sir. Follow me. - Sheryl, sweetie?
This way. Watch your step here. Just go through this door. Thank you.
Excuse me?
Hi, I'm sorry to bother you. Um...
I'm supposed to meet with someone named George Elliot. He's a producer.
I beg your pardon?
George Elliot. He's an executive producer on The Dating Game.
Do you know where I could find him?
It's very important that I speak with him.
I doubt that very much.
Why?
Because I'm George Elliot.
What?
Let me guess.
Security guard out front, he set this up, yeah?
He is a real asshole, all right.
Excuse me.
If there's something I can do, I'd be happy to try and...
Thank you so much again. Did you have fun?
- Yeah, I had a lot of fun. - Okay, right this way.
- This way? Got it. - Just around this corner here.
- I thought it went really well. - I think so too.
Now, safe travels. We'll be in touch.
Thank you so much.
Sheryl?
Hi. Hey.
I lost you back there.
Yeah, I looked for you after I changed, but that was crazy.
The whole thing was crazy.
They shoved me on stage, the lights went on and here we go.
Yeah. Yeah.
It was kind of fun.
I mean, it was evil and soul-crushing, but... I had a little fun.
Yeah.
But, yeah, uh, I guess I'll see you in Carmel.
I mean, do you wanna go somewhere now?
No fucking way.
This is beautiful.
Hey.
You want some?
Hell yeah.
Man, who would have thought that I'd found the love of my life today?
Don't make me fucking laugh, you asshole.
Take it easy.
Is that your stuff?
Yeah, that's some of my work.
Let's see what I'm working with.
Wow.
These are, um...
I won 500 with that one.
No shit.
Yep.
All right, well, enough of this crap.
Why don't you spill it out? Where are you from?
Why do you want to know?
Why are you not telling me?
Maybe because I didn't fucking like it there.
Ah, okay.
So you're a runaway.
Oh, my God.
You make me sound like I'm Oliver-fucking-Twist.
I'm independent.
Your folks, they must be worried.
Tammy's too loaded to worry about anything.
What about your dad? Where's he at?
Who knows?
He took off when I was a kid.
That must have been tough.
You know, growing up without him.
Oh, please.
When did your dad walk out on you?
Did you make it to eighth grade?
Did you ever try to find him?
No. I'm afraid I'd kill him.
It's amazing how one selfish asshole can fuck up your entire life.
Here.
What is this?
It's chocolate.
What's it for?
It's Valentine's Day.
You're my valentine.
That looks pretty far.
It's not. It's just up that hill.
Hill?
- You wearing comfortable shoes? - Yeah.
Good, 'cause you'll need 'em.
You ready?
- Yeah. - All right, follow me.
Almost there.
Sun's going down too.
Where do you want me to stand?
Just keep going that way, by the rock.
This one?
Just keep going.
Yeah, right by the edge.
There, that's nice.
Now turn around, face the light.
Yeah, that's beautiful.
You're a natural.
All right, just one more.
Now look up straight to the sky.
Did you get the shot?
Rodney?
Oh, my God, where are we? What is this place?
I don't know,
but this is what happens when a pretty girl like yourself
tells me to duck into the first place I find.
Oh, my God.
I thought it looked normal from the outside.
- What are you reading? - Oh, uh...
Uh, Cowboy Mouth. It's this play.
Sam Shepard, Patti Smith.
Yeah.
I saw the... The original run.
Really? So you lived in New York.
Yeah, NYU.
- Columbia. - Mmm.
I probably passed you on the subway.
Mmm. I think I would remember you.
Um...
Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way
in order to come back a short distance correctly.
Is that Cowboy Mouth or...
Oh, no, The Zoo Story.
Ah, that's right. Oh, my God.
It's such a beautiful piece.
- You know it? - Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, Albee's an incredible writer.
He is. He's, um... He's a genius.
You know, he's actually... It's one of my favorites.
Wow, you know your stuff.
Um...
Anyway, there's a production of Cowboy Mouth
that's going up at the Odyssey, so I'm auditioning in, like, a week.
Cool.
Well, I can't wait to see you in that.
- Yeah, I don't have the part yet. - It's in the bag.
- Oh, yeah, you think so? - Yeah, for sure.
I mean you have this Patti Smith vibration thing going on.
That's sweet. I could not have less of a Patti Smith vibration going on.
I'm not talking about this.
I'm talking about... soul, you know?
Okay.
That's very far out.
I mean, it's... I think that's good.
That's good. I'm into that.
I'm probably making this harder than it has to be.
I don't date much. I don't date at all, actually.
But you decided to go to The Dating Game.
Yeah, that's funny. Um...
My agent said it would get me seen.
"It's good exposure. It'll get you seen."
Did you feel seen?
I felt looked at.
How do you feel right now?
Fine.
You know, most people don't like to be seen.
They're afraid.
Because you have to be comfortable with yourself.
You have to stop performing.
Hmm.
I never hide who I am.
Excuse me, ma'am? Can you give us another round?
We had the mai tais.
Sorry, you missed last call. We're just closing up.
That's a shame.
Well, I guess we'll have to get out of here then, huh?
Yeah.
- Parked back at the lot? - Yeah.
I'll walk with you.
What's your number?
I figure we have to connect before we go to Carmel, so...
Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
Something wrong?
No.
Thanks.
Good night.
Hey.
Can you tell me your number?
- I just gave it to you. - Yeah, no, I know, I just...
want to make sure I have the right one.
You know, sometimes the fours, they kind of look like nines.
Right. Um...
Yeah, just let me see it and I...
You can't repeat it from memory?
So I guess this means we're not really meeting up in Carmel anymore?
I'm not going anywhere with you.
All right.
Fair enough.
Maybe I'll see you around.
Yeah, maybe.
Then you'd get your fucking head bashed in.
What?
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck.
Get your fucking hand off my car.
Fuck.
So great.
Sarah, can you save that for later? Thanks.
Really good. Yeah, try one more.
You ready?
Yeah, I did.
I did file a report in December of last year,
and I don't know what else to tell... This man, he was on national television.
Look, I don't know who you spoke with, all right?
I... I don't know who I spoke with either.
How many... Forget it.
Do your fucking job!
Fuck!
- Ma'am? - Sorry. I'm going.
Sheryl, sweetie, I think you're making a mistake.
I can appreciate that, Helen.
Right now MGM is looking for an unknown brunette
for this big thriller they've got,
and they do want to see a swimsuit photo before you can audition...
- I'm not gonna do that. - I'll see if they can make an exception.
No, not just this audition, all of it.
Don't be the girl who was on one stupid TV show
and was never seen again. You're better than that.
Yeah, I know.
Listen, I'm really sorry that it didn't work out
and I appreciate everything, I really do.
Um...
Bye, Helen.
I just, um...
Okay.
This is everything, so we're good to go.
Hey.
Hey, are you okay?
I guess things got pretty crazy last night.
Do you think that you could do me a favor?
Do you think that you could not tell anyone about this?
Please?
I would just be so fucking embarrassed.
You know how judgmental people can be.
Thank you.
So...
Do you want to go back to your place?
Okay.
Cool.
Can you help me with these?
Someone knows how to tie a knot.
Something tells me you were a Boy Scout.
Hey, um...
I just wanted to say...
I'm sorry if I was rough with you back there.
It's okay, baby.
Everything's okay.
I'm gonna take a leak. You want something?
- I'm okay. - Okay.
- Don't move! - Hands where I can see 'em.
Get on the fucking ground!
Tony, call for backup!
- Get the cuffs. Hold his legs down. - Get your fucking hands off of me!
- Stop resisting. - Don't do this. Let go.
Dave, get him.
We're out by mile marker 112. We need assistance immediately.
Okay.
Take a breath.
He's... He's done.