Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?
The show with naked truths and well-dressed lies.
On Lee Mack's team tonight, a TV presenter and host of Crufts.
Yes, she's the face of competitive dogging.
It's Clare Balding.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And an actor who once starred alongside David Hasselhoff.
I know what you're thinking - Pamela Anderson's let herself go.
From People Just Do Nothing,
it's Asim Chaudhry.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on David Mitchell's team tonight,
a Radio 1 DJ who used to host the afternoon drive-time slot,
or as his young listeners would call it, the breakfast show.
It's Greg James.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a columnist, presenter and professional poker player
who took the biggest gamble of her life
when she married David Mitchell.
LAUGHTER It's Victoria Coren Mitchell.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We begin with Round One, Home Truths,
where our panellists read out a statement
from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Greg, you're first up tonight.
OK.
To help me relax, there's nothing I like more
than spending up to four hours...
Where is this going? LAUGHTER
To help me relax, there's nothing I like more than spending
up to four hours in what I like to call one of my special baths.
Oh, God.
I rest my case.
Lee's team.
OK. What is this special bath?
A special bath is...
..when the lights are down low...
Yeah... a candle is lit... Yeah.
..there's bubbles or salts, either.
I have been known sometimes to watch Would I Lie To You in the bath.
You watch us in the bath? Yeah.
Wow.
Can you see us in the bath?
No, no. No, he doesn't watch us in the bath...
..he watches us, in the bath. LAUGHTER
I didn't know anyone knew we bathed together.
So, I mean...
It's slightly annoying that I'm not watching this one
in the bath now, because I'm sort of used to sitting with you all
in the tub. But you might, in future, watch this in the bath.
At some point. So at the moment, we're being watched by you...
It's like a particularly dull instalment of Back To The Future.
You say that, Rob, but for me...
..this is the most erotic conversation I've ever witnessed.
Yeah, but you are married to David.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
So the special bath involves candles, low light, iPad,
anything else?
I'll just sit there and I sort of have...
Sometimes I have a glass of wine.
You can float it in the water if you have a... You can...
I've perfected that. Are we still talking about the wine?
Yes. How do you float a glass of wine in the bath?
Well, you just balance it... What are you resting it on?
It's simple physics. If you have the right amount of wine in it,
it sits upright. The stem must work as a sort of keel.
It does, it works... Yeah.
You've done this before!
Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER
And then, also, sometimes, I enjoy having cheese
in there with me as well, cheeses.
Cheese?
What's that floating on?
Well...
I'm glad you asked!
I'm glad you asked, because sometimes, I've been known
to fashion a... What I call a foil barge.
LAUGHTER
Where the cheese sort of floats around. It sort of orbits me,
as I'm sat there, with some crackers, maybe, on the soap stand.
You're a very tall man. Yes.
So do you have a very, very long bath?
No, I just sort of sit... Yeah, four hours!
What are you thinking?
Four hours is extreme, but I've been known to spend
two hours. I don't know. I think four hours is too long.
Yeah, I think, yeah, four hours is too long. I'd say lie.
It's a lie. You're saying it's a lie? OK, so Greg,
truth or lie?
That is a...
..truth.
Asim, you're up next. OK.
To make sure I went down as an all-time school legend,
I deliberately scored a spectacular own goal
in our end-of-term Cup Final.
David's team? You just wanted to make a name for yourself? Yeah.
I wanted to, you know, be memorable.
You know, no-one really remembers the kind of average guy,
but they remember that kind of, you know, the wacky guy
who scored an own goal. The idiot.
Yeah - the idiot.
What was the reaction to you? What was that?
Well, first, it's like, you know, my team were like, "What you doing?"
Like, "This is ridiculous."
But, you know, afterwards they were like,
"That was legendary, mate," you know?
How long after? Sort of five, ten years after?
But the thing is, though, the reason why it was so spectacular
is that it wasn't just a normal own goal.
I didn't just, you know... It was a kind of a scissor kick.
Now, you're looking at me and going,
"This isn't the physique of a football player."
That's absolutely right.
But if you see me on, like, Soccer AM or some other shows,
you'll see that I've got tekkers, mate.
You know what they say, you know?
You either - what is it? -
die a hero or live long enough to become a villain.
So, I was like... Who says that?
I think I got the quote wrong.
Is that the quote? Not quite.
You know what I mean. Can I ask a question?
What were you known for at school before that incident?
I was... Misquoting people.
I was complete, like, school clown.
I used to... I actually got an award for bunking in school.
I was never there. They gave me the "early bird" award.
I used to turn up in the morning,
sign in and then go out.
I did stuff like that. I was zany! The teachers gave you a prize?
Yeah, at the end of, like, year 11.
Had they fully understood their role?
Looking back, I don't think they did because I was really proud
of that award. So, in a sense, the school is at fault
if this is true, because essentially they've established
an educational environment where doing what is ostensibly
the opposite of the aim of the exercise is to be rewarded.
You said, "No, I'm not going to do the obvious thing and score
"in the opponent's goal."
And how many serial killers went to your school?
I quite enjoy the vision there of parents' night.
The first parents' night for you two, I think,
that school is going to be trembling.
You say that - if you look at that line-up there,
doesn't it look as if they're just dropping their Greg
off at university?
Victoria, Victoria, Victoria,
he's not your biological son.
You are David's far more beautiful, younger, second wife...
..and you don't get on with Greg.
That's coming across.
What are you going to say?
Oh, Greg, you must know more about football than we do.
I think it's true. You think it's true?
I think he's a big enough clown to have done that.
What do you think?
I think if Greg thinks it's true... I think it's true... let's say true.
She's trying to bond with her stepson.
Asim, was it true or were you telling a lie?
It was...
..a lie.
Clare, you're next.
Um, I have a possession.
Oh, right. Now, then,
let's please bring on the possession.
Aw!
Oh, yes.
This is Dexter.
When I judged a "dogs who look like celebrities" competition,
he was the winner.
Hello, Dexter. OK. OK.
Very nice to see you... again.
Yes.
Go on - what's the celebrity?
Denis Healey.
So, you just... You need to have a proper look at Dexter's face
and specifically his eyebrows.
There we go. Can I come and see?
Yeah, come and see Dexter.
Someone might have to tell Greg who Denis Healey is.
That was my next question.
Denis Healey was the Chancellor of the Exchequer under a Labour
government in the 1970s. And he was known for big eyebrows.
He had huge eyebrows - that's the big thing. And he used to walk round
on all fours! I have literally never seen a dog
that looked more like Denis Healey, I'm sorry.
Let's have a look. Uncanny.
Dexter! Oh, yes.
What a Silly Billy.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Name three - quickly - three other breeds of dog and the celebrities
they resembled. You will do it in your own time, thank you.
A blonde Afghan hound that looked like Tess Daly...
..a Staffordshire bull terrier that looked like Vladimir Putin,
a Portuguese water dog that looked like Cher...
..and obviously Dexter.
So, were you the sole judge? I was.
This is a big dog event that I go to.
Well, what is the event?
Dogfest. Have you not been? Dogfest?
Hm. People bring their dogs and there are lots of activities.
They've even got a diving pool for dogs.
My job is to judge
the "dog who looks like a celebrity" competition.
Is Denis a good swimmer? Dexter.
Yeah, but you know, Denis.
It may be that Dexter is unaware
that he's impersonating Denis Healey.
He may not have immersed himself in the role to the extent he's going,
"Denis is swimming now. He's worried about interest rates."
So the dog looks uncannily
like Denis Healey?
The dog is astonishingly like Denis Healey.
When you're told that dog looks like Denis Healey, I agree he looks like
Denis Healey. Would you have walked down the street and said to David,
"Did you see that dog?
"He was the spit of Denis Healey."
Or even, "I think that was Denis Healey."
This is where I'm up to. That dog -
one - is definitely called Dexter.
Two - definitely looks more like
Denis Healey than the waxwork
that wouldn't be in Madame Tussauds, because who would go to see it?
The question is whether Clare knows him. Yeah.
Well, strictly speaking, this is supposed to be a possession.
Yes. You know, the round discipline's gone because...
..I don't think Clare is even asserting that she owns Dexter.
So, in a way, it's not her possession, is it? Exactly.
So, for me, the programme's rather spoiled.
What do you think? I do trust Clare Balding.
I think it's actually true.
I don't trust Clare Balding.
I'm going to stick my neck out. I think, well done,
whoever found that Healey-like dog.
Remember, Healey, if it's not true,
Healey was of Clare's invention.
just now, after just looking at the dog. There's no
Denis Healey mentioned on the card, is there?
Was Healey on the card? Oh, you're good at this! No.
It must be true. It must be true.
So, you think true?
Oh, I'm really confused.
Do you both think true? We do,
but I think we're confused... We're true.
..and I feel like we're angering you, so... No.
No. I've upset Dad again!
I've been very, very angry for very many years.
Um... Don't look at your wife when you say that, David.
Let's say true.
You think true? True. True. We're going to say true.
All right. They're saying true. Clare, was it...?
Don't scratch, Dexter.
Was it true?
He's going to have a lick now.
Oh!
He's been watching Lee.
APPLAUSE
Right, Clare,
were you telling the truth
or was it a lie?
It was...
..true.
It's true. Clare did award Dexter first prize in a celebrity lookalike
contest, and we have a picture.
Look at this.
Denis is on the left.
Thank you very much, Dexter.
Well done. Thank you so much.
Our next round is called
This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection to one
of our panellists.
Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them
that has the genuine connection to the guest,
and it's up to Lee's team to spot who is telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's special guest, Stuart.
So, Victoria, what is Stuart to you?
This is Stuart.
He once laughed so much
at something I said on Only Connect
he passed out.
Right, so, Victoria's fainting fan.
Greg, how do you know Stuart?
This is Stuart,
and when I opened his butcher shop,
he paid me in sausages.
Greg's butcher buddy,
and finally, David, what is your relationship with Stuart?
This is Stuart.
He's the lollipop man...
He's the lollipop man whose lollipop I held...
..when he was suddenly called away on non-lollipop-related business.
So there we have it. Lee's team -
where do you want to begin?
Right. I've seen Only Connect.
First question - what was the team called?
No, he wasn't on the show.
Oh, he was in the audience?
A viewer at home. Oh, he's a viewer at home?
Well, you'll know, Lee, because you've seen the show,
one of my hilarious jokes...
LAUGHTER
He actually passed out at home from laughing.
Right. Do you want to have a little bit of time
or do you want to tell us that hilarious joke?
But before you do, I must warn you, watching at home,
you might want to turn the volume down.
What Victoria is about to say could kill you.
It wasn't really a joke. It was a story.
So one of the clues...
It was a picture clue and it was Schnorbitz.
Bernie Winters' dog? Yeah, the dog, exactly.
Very well done.
Obviously, you'd have to identify all four to get the points, but...
And I told a story as background to the question
about the time that Schnorbitz fell into Terry Scott's swimming pool
and had to be rescued by Barbara Windsor.
Control yourself, Stuart.
That story resulted in somebody laughing so much...
Well, my God, it's the way you tell them!
I think what really got Stuart might have been my subsequent quip.
"That's a party I'd like to have been at."
No.
Even with that.
Even with that, I'm...
I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a nice, witty comment.
I could crack a smile at home. I might even, if I was watching, go...
It's not necessarily a joke.
I think it was just... It's a funny story.
Is it not true that the average Only Connect audience member
may be a little bit elderly
and people are just regularly passing out anyway?
A practical question - if this happened in his house,
how do you know about it? That's what I was going to ask.
His family wrote to me and said that he was hospitalised
laughing at something I'd said.
They weren't after money, were they?
No, they said... You know, they thought I'd like to know about it
because maybe I would send him a get well soon card, which I did.
All right.
Who would you like to quiz next?
OK, so, Greg... What's the name of the butcher's?
Sampson's.
Sampson's? Sampson's.
He's risking it a bit, having his hair cut like that, isn't he?
It's Stuart Sampson, so it's his butchers. Sampson's butchers.
Because I grew up in Bromley.
It was our local family butcher and then... He used to butcher families?
But only if they lived locally.
"I'm the local family butcher.
"Do you live locally and have you got a family?"
He's the family butcher and then
when I left to...
And then I got onto Radio 1
Mum and Dad still know Stuart,
so he said, "Would Greg want to come down, maybe bring Radio 1 down?"
A bit of press coverage. OK.
Do you like sausages?
Love sausages. Oh, great.
It's the perfect way of paying you
because you don't have to pay tax on it,
you don't have to declare it.
We don't need to get into that!
But this... We're all getting paid in sausages.
How far ahead of this gig did you know that that was...?
Presumably, you were just doing it as a favour to an old family friend?
Well, we did it as a wacky bit on the radio.
Oh, it was included on the radio show?
So, we went to his shop and we were broadcasting live
from the butchers. OK. Right.
So we sort of opened the... Cut the ribbon,
but it was a string of sausages.
So, that was the...
And what? Did you do a speech?
Well, I said, "Here we go.
"Welcome to..."
Did you write that yourself? Yeah!
It got better. Oh, right.
There's only one way to go, though, to be fair.
Now, what about David?
David. Lollipop man.
So, you held his lollipop stick so he could go and do
non-lollipop duties?
Yes.
So, first of all, what were the non-lollipop duties?
He had to hurry home
because a sofa was being delivered.
Presumably, then, he didn't actually return,
so it wasn't a... He didn't return. It wasn't a short stand-in.
You were... The lollipop man.
Yeah, I was for...
I mean, I would say between nine and 11 minutes
I was...
Let's just say, like normal people, for about ten minutes.
Did he give you the uniform?
He gave me his hat and his sort of fluorey jacket type of thing.
Tabard thing? Yeah,
and the all-important rod of power.
How many children do you think you helped
cross the road?
Maybe 30. OK,
so between 29 and 31,
and did you...
Did you did you have any banter with the kids?
No. Did you just do your usual of,
"Hurry up"?
I think I probably... You know,
I went, "Oh, right, this way." This way?
I think they'd know the way.
Can I ask a question about emotion?
He won't know the answer.
How did you feel when you were the lollipop man?
Holding the rod of power.
I felt a bit... a bit stressed,
but it went fine.
Only a couple of minor injuries.
Tell us about how it began.
Were you there dropping off your own child at school
or did you just happen to be on one of your long runs in the morning?
I mean, what were you doing?
I was dropping off.
I think what Rob's asking is,
"What were you doing within 200 yards of a playground?"
Given - you know, given the court order. Most people are allowed.
Right.
Hold on a minute.
You... Did David tell you about this story about the lollipop guy?
that laughed at one of my jokes.
Yes, exactly. That's what I'm saying!
I'm completely...
Yeah. Come on.
This is new territory on the show now.
Yeah, I'm in a slightly odd place philosophically.
Let me say - I'll use the conditional tense -
were this to be true - which it isn't -
David certainly would have come home a bit flustered
and told me what occurred.
David, you've obviously heard Victoria telling
you about Stuart fainting. Yes.
You've heard about that?
Well, no, because it's not true.
All right. We need an answer.
So, Lee's team, is Stuart Victoria's fainting fan,
Greg's butcher buddy
or David's lollipop lender?
I think it's Victoria. Why?
I just... No, I just..
Because first...
But she told us the joke.
No, I know.
I'd like to say, "All right.
"It was quite amusing,"
but it wasn't even that.
But the punch line was, "Oh, I would have loved to have been
"at that party." That was the punch line?
Was that the punch line?
You haven't see my show, have you? No.
I daren't watch it, it's too risky. Yeah.
Victoria, how did you feel when you heard the news?
About the injury?
No, about your husband being a lollipop man.
I would say it was a mixture
of concerned and delighted.
Right.
To have told a story that was so funny
someone was hospitalised.
Maybe you'll find out one day. I...
All right. Who is telling the truth?
I think it's Victoria, personally.
I'm just going to put it out there -
it's Greg, and I know you two don't agree with me.
You think Victoria, you think Greg.
Go on, captain, you decide.
Yeah, you go. It's me or him. You decide.
It is literally 50-50.
Can I just say it might be me?
We are going to go with...
..Victoria.
Stuart, would you please reveal your true identity?
I'm Stuart
and I laughed that hard at Victoria's very funny story...
Yes, Stuart is Victoria's fainting fan.
Thank you very much, Stuart.
Which brings us to our final round -
quickfire lies - and we start with...
It's David.
Victoria doesn't know this...
AUDIENCE: Oh!
..but on those very rare occasions
that she does something I find irritating
I get my own back by sneaking upstairs and moving her bookmarks.
Lee's team.
When you say Victoria doesn't know this, surely when she goes to
the book to read the book and she goes where the bookmark is,
there must be lots of incidents where she's thinking,
"Am I losing my mind? I'm not following this book."
Yes, that's exactly what she thinks.
That's your plan.
Victoria, when you're reading a book, do you ever sometimes
have that feeling of being lost?
I have sometimes opened a book and thought,
"I didn't think that's where I was."
How many books are you reading at the same time?
I mean, seven or eight.
David, how many books does Victoria read at the same time?
Oh, I put it between six and nine.
Do they tend to be fiction, non-fiction?
What...? Yes, those are the main two.
And one of the things you said - sometimes - rare occasions -
Victoria does something that... I don't want to go into that.
Fire away.
No, I don't want to go into that.
What sort of things are we talking about? Just behavioural things.
Just the simplest things to do with things she's said or done.
Maybe when I ask you what the weather's going to be like and I go,
"What do you think it's going to be?" and you go,
"I don't think anything. I've looked at the weather forecast
"and what it says is this."
Little things like... Yeah. Essentially she holds me responsible
for the weather forecast as if I've made it. No, she doesn't.
She says, "What do you think the weather's going to do?"
Perfectly reasonable.
It's not perfectly reasonable.
She's got access to the weather forecast on her own phone.
It's just these are meteorologists - sometimes they get it right,
sometimes they get it wrong - I'm just reading it out.
They are physically sitting further apart. Have you noticed?
Is there anything, Victoria, that you might do to David
if he'd annoyed you?
What would your retaliation be if indeed he is moving...?
Well, he might find out.
Incidentally, I've been feeling weaker and weaker.
OK. What are you going to say?
I believe in their relationship.
I must be the most naive person here
because... You're invested in it.
I'm emotionally invested in their relationship, and I think David's
a nice guy, and I don't think he would do that because that really
would upset her. So, what we're saying is, if it's true, it's a
really unpleasant thing and a really bad indictment on their marriage.
Yes. This has taken a nasty turn, hasn't it?
What's it going to be? I don't want it to be true, but... I do.
You think it's...?
I want his life to fall apart! This would be such fun.
I think it's true. I don't want it to be true.
I'm trying to see the real person.
I... He's a nice guy.
No, the David I know - I don't think this is unpleasant enough.
Well, you know him.
Oh!
Also, David doesn't like you.
So it's a different relationship.
That's true - yes.
But he doesn't hate me, right?
No!
Even though, Lee, you - on television - have said you want
my marriage to fall apart, I still
find you an adequate colleague.
Can I ask you a question, David?
Are you still writing for Clinton Cards?
It's time to decide -
what are you going to say?
I'm going to say true, but I don't want it to be true. It can't... No.
It's a lie. It's got to be a lie
because it's an awful, awful thing to do. It is.
You're saying it's a lie... I really hope it's a lie.
..because nobody would do that.
If this is the truth, it's awful.
They're saying it's a lie.
David, is it true or is it a lie?
It is...
..a lie.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
BUZZER
That noise signals time is up - it's the end of the show -
and I can reveal that Lee's team have won... Yes!
..by three points to two. How did we do that?
Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time. Goodnight.