1 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:26,839 Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You? - the show that 2 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:28,799 sorts the facts from the fibs. 3 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:32,439 On David Mitchell's team tonight, a comedy legend who, 4 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:35,879 let's face it, is probably a bit too good for all this nonsense. 5 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:39,279 But she's here now and we've locked the doors! It's Jennifer Saunders. 6 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:41,919 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 7 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:44,199 And a man who once hosted a show 8 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:47,319 about the country's favourite biscuit. 9 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:50,159 He's going to love tonight, hobnobbing with the stars. 10 00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:51,799 It's Richard Osman! 11 00:00:55,840 --> 00:01:00,159 And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a BBC breakfast host who often gets 12 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:03,359 up at 3:30am, so if she has a little nap tonight, 13 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:05,879 we'll understand! It's Steph McGovern. 14 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,159 APPLAUSE 15 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:11,359 And a YouTuber and vlogger. 16 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:13,879 I haven't a clue what either of those are, 17 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:16,519 but I have seen him on Strictly so he's OK with me. 18 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:17,799 It's Joe Sugg! 19 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:25,839 We begin, as always, with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists 20 00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:28,679 read out a statement from the card in front of them. 21 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:31,359 To make things harder, they've never seen the card before. 22 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:33,519 They've no idea what they'll be faced with. 23 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,879 It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction. 24 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:38,559 Richard, you're first up. 25 00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:43,479 Last year, during a detox weekend at a health spa... 26 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:45,599 Ha! LAUGHTER 27 00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,959 We'll stop you there, Richard. Lie! 28 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:51,559 ..during a detox weekend at a health spa, 29 00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:56,039 I slipped three emergency chocolate bars into a plastic bag and hid them 30 00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:57,959 in the cistern of my loo. 31 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:02,399 Lee's team. Why did you hide them in the toilet? 32 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:03,959 Because you weren't supposed to... 33 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,279 You weren't supposed to have anything like booze 34 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:08,319 or anything in there at all, 35 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:11,839 and all the food was sort of kale and juices. Hang on. 36 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:14,959 Are you telling me this was so strict that they would check your 37 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,559 room like some sort of prison cell? 38 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:20,199 You had to hide it in the cistern, did you say? Yeah. 39 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:22,559 They clean the rooms and, you know, and you're not allowed 40 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:24,679 to have anything there. Is it like that in prison? 41 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:26,879 You go in with a suitcase. "Yeah, take that, it's fine. 42 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,639 "We'll check your cell later." 43 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:29,799 I don't know. Is it? 44 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:31,679 LAUGHTER 45 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,239 So what were the chocolates that you'd hidden? 46 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:41,439 Some Maltesers, a Twirl 47 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:42,839 and a Double Decker. 48 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:45,279 And what did you put them in before you put them in the cistern? 49 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:47,999 I had them in, like, a little Ziploc. You know like when you go 50 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,439 through customs at the airport? One of those little bags. 51 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:52,879 What, those things that aren't... With a zip on? 52 00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:54,039 Hm? 53 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,719 You heard the question, Richard. 54 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,999 A Ziploc bag. You know, those are plastic, aren't they? 55 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:01,959 Yeah, but it has to be completely water tight at the end. The bit where the zip joins... 56 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:03,839 Also Ziploc bags are water... 57 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,959 I think you'll find wet suits don't have zips on them. 58 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,159 I rest my case. Yes, they do! 59 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:09,319 Yes, they do! They do! 60 00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:11,239 LAUGHTER 61 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,719 And did you eat them all over the weekend or did you... No, 62 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,639 I ate them all on the first evening. 63 00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:22,959 What treatments did you go for? 64 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:27,239 Oh, God, all sorts of awful, like, peels... Peels?! 65 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:30,039 What did you have peeled, Richard? ..hot rocks. Sorry? 66 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:32,319 You had your hot rocks peeled? 67 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:35,679 You know what? I would genuinely recommend it! 68 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,119 Who did you go with? 69 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,879 My partner. See, this is the bit that I don't believe - 70 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:41,719 that he's got a partner. Yeah, yeah! 71 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,759 Did you share the toilet? 72 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:46,159 Excuse me? Did you share the toilet? 73 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:47,999 I mean, in what... In what sense? 74 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:49,479 Were you sharing a bathroom? 75 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:51,959 We've got to the stage of the relationship where we are able 76 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,959 to use the same toilet, yes. 77 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:57,759 Not at the same time. It's not as romantic as you'd think, is it, 78 00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:01,119 using it at the same time? It's not the same as a bath! 79 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,799 It's just not very practical! 80 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:08,919 You hark back to those first months where you're always sitting 81 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:10,439 on the toilet together... 82 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:13,559 With a candle on the cistern! 83 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:16,559 Shall we go and have a wee, darling? 84 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:19,359 What do you think would've happened 85 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,279 if you'd have got caught with chocolate? Oh, do you know what? 86 00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,879 I'll tell you exactly what would've happened. Nothing. 87 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:28,359 But it felt like I was alive for the first time in many years! 88 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:29,439 LAUGHTER 89 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:32,239 So what do you think? Is he telling the truth, Joe? What do you think? 90 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:35,919 I... I mean, that's definitely a lie. For me, I think it's a lie. 91 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,719 Why? I just can't believe it. 92 00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:41,159 LAUGHTER 93 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:43,959 And that's a good definition of a lie. 94 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,279 I don't think there's anywhere that would be that strict 95 00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:48,999 about you bringing things in. Apart from prison, obviously. 96 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,999 So we think it's a lie, do we? Yeah. Yeah. 97 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,279 You say lie? Strong lie. 98 00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:54,039 OK. OK. They say it's a lie. 99 00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:56,879 Richard, truth or lie? It is in fact... 100 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:58,399 ..a lie. 101 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:02,639 Yes, it's a lie. 102 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:06,879 Richard didn't hide emergency chocolate bars in his loo. 103 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,719 Jennifer, you're next. 104 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,199 CLEARS THROAT 105 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:14,919 I once broke into a convent and stole food from some nuns. 106 00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:18,599 Lee's team. When did this happen? 107 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,999 Erm, when I was hungry. 108 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:25,639 Quite hungry. Erm... 109 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:28,959 ..which was when I was young and didn't have any money. 110 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,559 How young? 18? 19? 111 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:34,159 Was it just you? Or was there anyone else involved? 112 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,719 A friend helped me. And what did you steal? 113 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:38,439 I stole vegetables. 114 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:40,079 You stole vegetables?! 115 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:41,679 Was it the 19th century? 116 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:43,759 Well, because it's nuns! 117 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,679 Nuns grow things in gardens. 118 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:48,399 Well, they do on TV but in real life they go to Asda. 119 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,079 LAUGHTER 120 00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:51,839 All nuns grow vegetables. 121 00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:54,279 Hang on! No, they don't. No, they don't. 122 00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:55,599 Yes, they do. 123 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,079 I can't imagine a nun not growing vegetables! 124 00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:02,679 If you can name a nun who doesn't grow vegetables, then go ahead. 125 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:04,079 Trevor Nunn. 126 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:05,879 LAUGHTER 127 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:14,759 What I did was I... While she distracted them at the door, 128 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:19,039 I snuck round into their garden... Which they do have! It's not 129 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:22,159 just on TV. ..and stole vegetables. 130 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:23,959 Dug them up? 131 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,639 No, you don't dig up all vegetables. There are some hanging. 132 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:27,759 Like what? Beans, beans. 133 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:29,879 You're milking a cow now! 134 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:34,359 Was there a cow there as well? 135 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,919 Don't worry, we'll get some milk while we're at it! 136 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:41,799 So you lived near this nunnery? No, we had to drive there. 137 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,319 LAUGHTER 138 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:48,319 Why, if you were "poo-er", did you have a car? 139 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:49,999 She had a car. Right, so... 140 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,599 How did you get two syllables out of "poor"? 141 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,159 LAUGHTER 142 00:06:57,240 --> 00:07:00,399 You almost got more syllables than there are letters! 143 00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,519 How far was the car journey, Jennifer? 144 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:08,599 Erm, about 40 minutes, I suppose. You drove for 40 minutes?! 145 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:12,999 That's doing a heist! It was a heist! 146 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,959 It would have cost you more in petrol 147 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,999 than to go buy potatoes and tomatoes. 148 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:20,639 Not in 1980, no. Petrol was quite cheap then. 149 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:21,879 What do you think? 150 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:23,879 Does this sound as though it could be true? 151 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:25,519 No way! 152 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:27,679 LAUGHTER 153 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:29,879 If you think it's a lie, Joe, which way...? Yeah. 154 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:32,079 Yeah, I think... I think it's a lie. 155 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:34,279 I think it's true. No! 156 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:36,079 Just the one syllable? 157 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:40,679 I was waiting for the rest of it! 158 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:42,159 What's it going to be? 159 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:44,759 I have to go with the majority, even though I feel it's true. 160 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:46,719 OK. They say it's a lie. Jennifer, 161 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:49,239 were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie? 162 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:51,559 I was telling the truth. 163 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:53,159 STEPH GASPS 164 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:57,639 And you! 165 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:03,319 Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest 166 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:06,359 who has a close connection to one of our panellists. This week, 167 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:09,199 each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine 168 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,079 connection to the guest and it's up to David's team to spot 169 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:13,359 who's telling the truth. 170 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:16,239 So please welcome this week's special guest, Matt. 171 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,239 APPLAUSE 172 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,599 So, Joe, what is Matt to you? 173 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:27,039 This is Matt. 174 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:30,759 After I made his life hell on the Strictly tour, he took revenge 175 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:33,119 by gelling my hair with Marmite. 176 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:36,879 Steph, how do you know Matt? This is Matt. 177 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:40,399 Together we once threw some knickers at Jennifer Saunders. 178 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:45,119 Lee, what is your relationship with Matt? 179 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:49,919 This is Matt, and when he broke both his arms, I used to pop round his 180 00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:52,999 house and scratch his itches with a knitting needle. 181 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,359 LAUGHTER 182 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:56,319 So there we have it. 183 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:58,519 David's team, where do you start? 184 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:02,079 OK. Joe, what was Matt's role on the Strictly tour? 185 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:05,479 The Strictly tour is where the people who've been on the show... 186 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,639 Yep. ..go around the country and have competitions? 187 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:10,479 Yes, it's like a little mini competition within itself 188 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,439 and he was one of the hair and make-up guys. 189 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:14,399 So they arrived before we did and 190 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:16,839 set everything up on the make-up table. 191 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:20,759 So I would get there before he did, hide underneath and wait for ages. 192 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:23,639 He'd come along, set stuff up, and I'd grab him by the ankles. 193 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,399 And film it, obviously. 194 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:26,559 Oh, and film it. 195 00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:28,599 There we go. Yeah, yeah. 196 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,119 I do it quite a lot - behind curtains, 197 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:32,879 behind, like, stages, everything. 198 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:34,959 I try and get a montage of making Matt jump. 199 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,719 Oh, so it started off with ankles under the table and then it 200 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:39,759 escalated into full assault. 201 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:41,919 LAUGHTER 202 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:44,919 So, yeah. So he had enough towards the end, and we did this one number 203 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:49,119 where I had to have a Mohawk for our dance. Then, on the last show, 204 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:53,199 he got an empty wax pot and put a whole tub of Marmite in there 205 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:56,039 and used that on my Mohawk. You could smell it? No? 206 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:59,039 I couldn't at the time because there was so many other different products 207 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:02,319 and stuff around. And did half the audience absolutely love it? 208 00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:04,399 LAUGHTER 209 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,519 Did it work? 210 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:12,879 It held it, yeah. 211 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,479 I didn't notice until we got out there 212 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:17,839 and then we could both smell it because we left the backstage bit. 213 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,839 It's horrible - imagine picking up your partner 214 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,439 and getting that yeasty smell. 215 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:29,719 After you've done the dance, so you then realised it was him. 216 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,359 What happened then? Did you confront him? Did you see him? 217 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,719 We just had a moment of, like, "Well done. You got me." 218 00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:37,039 But then obviously he doesn't want to lose his job 219 00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:38,919 so he had to rinse it out afterwards. 220 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,319 What, you can get sacked for japes, can you? 221 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:42,959 What's japes? Japes. 222 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,999 LAUGHTER 223 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,239 Japes. 224 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:48,879 Japes. You know, practical jokes. 225 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:50,439 Oh, yeah. Well, I think so, yeah. 226 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:53,159 Well, you're grabbing his ankles - how come you didn't get sacked? 227 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,439 Cos I was... They... A star! 228 00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,119 All right. Who would you like to go to next? 229 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:02,599 So, Steph, this knicker-throwing? 230 00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:06,519 Yeah. Matt and I threw knickers at Jennifer Saunders. 231 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:07,839 Where? 232 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:09,559 LAUGHTER 233 00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:12,719 They were nuns and they were trying to get you out of the garden! 234 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,439 Liverpool. Empire? 235 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:18,799 Er, yeah. 236 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,439 Never give them options! 237 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,799 What was the show? What was the show called? 238 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,719 Er, French & Saunders. 239 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,679 Oh, that sounds good. I've love that. 240 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:34,239 I have to ask - why were you throwing pants? 241 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:38,039 Because Matt and I are big fans of French and Saunders, 242 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:42,479 and we thought that would be a creative way to get your attention 243 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:44,359 and tell you that we think you're brilliant. 244 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,719 Did it get your attention? No, I don't remember that at all. 245 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:51,319 But the windmill got your attention. Pardon? 246 00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:54,479 The windmill. Windmill. That? 247 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,639 So we decided, as a backup, 248 00:11:56,640 --> 00:12:00,239 we'd also make windmills with your face on. 249 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:03,279 So we made one of Dawn French and one of you. 250 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:06,319 Can I just check, is this going to end in a restraining order? 251 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:09,999 What sort of windmills? 252 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:13,199 You know, those things you put in your garden or you get on the beach or whatever? 253 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,639 So not a windmill. 254 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:15,839 No, not... 255 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,159 You're not going to throw a whole windmill at somebody! 256 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:21,399 I think we understood that it wouldn't grind grain. 257 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,919 I'm relatively sure we threw the knickers 258 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:27,479 and then when we realised that hadn't worked, 259 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,799 then we went backstage and waited for you 260 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:32,159 at the stage door. 261 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,839 When you say worked, what were you expecting to happen? 262 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:38,439 Just to... I don't know, just to... Be invited backstage? 263 00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,039 "Who threw those knickers? 264 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:43,199 "Would you like to go out for a drink?" 265 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:44,839 Yes, but I was a teenager. 266 00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,359 You know, there wasn't social media and things back then 267 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:49,999 so we couldn't tweet you and say anything or... 268 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,679 That's what it was like before the internet. 269 00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:54,439 Before vlogging or Twitter, 270 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:57,679 you had to write a message on a windmill and throw it at someone. 271 00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,439 Life was so simple! 272 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:04,279 That's what Grindr used to be! 273 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:09,119 We weren't trying to chat them up, we were just trying to 274 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:10,959 show our, you know, appreciation. 275 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,239 So the windmills had their faces on 276 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:17,079 and the idea with the windmill is that you'd hand them over. 277 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:19,119 Yeah, and just go, "We love you!" 278 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:22,079 "Here's a windmill with your face on it." Yeah, I don't know why! 279 00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:24,319 RICHARD: The international language of love! 280 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:25,999 JENNIFER: I think that's charming. 281 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,519 It is charming. "Here's a windmill," not, "Here's a windmill. Now can I have a selfie?" 282 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,079 I think that's better than the pants. 283 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,479 It is quite nice, Jennifer, but if it's true, the sad ending 284 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:35,759 to this is that all this effort 285 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:37,639 she made and you have no recollection of it! 286 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,639 LAUGHTER 287 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:41,959 How do you know Matt? 288 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,519 Yeah, we grew up together. 289 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,279 How would he say the word "poor"? 290 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:47,559 Poo-er. Actually he's turned a bit posh now. 291 00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:50,039 OK. So he wouldn't say it at all! 292 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,159 Yeah. 293 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:53,439 LAUGHTER 294 00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:02,039 So, Lee... Can you remind us, Lee? 295 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:06,879 Yeah. This is Matt and I used to pop round to his house when he broke 296 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:11,039 both his arms so I could itch him with knitting needles. 297 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:16,119 Now, on what basis should we believe that? 298 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:23,119 Because if it's not true, there's a chance she's been throwing windmills at people. 299 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,519 How do you know Matt? 300 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:26,719 Who's Matt? 301 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:31,679 Oh, this fella? Yeah. Oh. 302 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:37,679 Erm, well, I do a show called "Would I Lie To You?" 303 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:41,199 and a few seconds ago he just walked on stage. 304 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:46,719 Since then we've become really good friends. 305 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,719 No, I know Matt, because, erm... 306 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:52,719 I was going to say we went to school together. I've changed my mind. 307 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,439 LAUGHTER 308 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:55,839 We... 309 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:05,519 I used to take him to school and drop him off because he's my son. 310 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,639 That will do. He's my son and... 311 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:13,079 I know Matt. I don't actually know Matt very well. 312 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:17,119 I play five-a-side football with the local dads and he plays 313 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:20,959 sometimes. He's one of the sons of one of the fathers. 314 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:23,719 And so I know him a little bit just to say hello to. 315 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:26,439 I say, "Hello, Matt." He never waves, but we know why now. 316 00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:30,959 And I felt a bit responsible, if I'm going to be honest, 317 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,799 about the breaking of the arms, 318 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,559 and so I felt the least I could do is pop round, see how he is. 319 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,639 Why did you feel responsible? 320 00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,319 Well, I broke his arms. 321 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:43,479 And I think that was it. How did you break them? 322 00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:45,199 I was reversing in my car. 323 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,159 LAUGHTER 324 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,239 Er, and he was up a ladder. 325 00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:57,279 And he was putting me off so I thought, "I'll have him." 326 00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,679 Just nudged the ladder gently. 327 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:02,999 And so I didn't really break his arms. Gravity did. 328 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,839 Where was this ladder, Lee? 329 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,879 It was from the ground up to where he was... 330 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,999 Where he was painting a window ledge. 331 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:16,039 So what chain of events led to you going into his home... 332 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:17,759 Yeah. ..and scratching his itch? 333 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,559 A few days later, after the incident, I was playing football 334 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:23,279 with his dad and I felt bad. 335 00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:26,799 I even said, "Does he want to play? He doesn't have to go in goal." 336 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:28,719 LAUGHTER 337 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,519 He said, "No, he can't play. He's in agony." 338 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:36,999 And so I went.... I said, "I'll pop round and see how he's getting on." 339 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:38,479 And so I knocked on the door 340 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:41,119 and he answered the door, and that was awkward. 341 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:43,239 How did he answer the door? Exactly. 342 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:47,719 It's not dignified seeing a man opening the door with his teeth. 343 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:50,759 Especially with the glass window, he was all squashed - his nose... 344 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:56,719 So I said to him, "Is there anything I can do?" 345 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,999 He says, "I've got a terrible itch." 346 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,439 And I said, "It must be horrible under that plaster." 347 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,839 He went, "Oh, no. Bad news. That's not where the itch is." 348 00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:07,559 So you got the knitting needles. Got the knitting needles. 349 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,679 One up the arm and I did his... I did everywhere. 350 00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:13,399 I gave him the full scratching treatment. Did you?! 351 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:17,639 And how many times did you return to the house to scratch him? 352 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,719 How many times? I would say, in total, 12. 353 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:22,479 It wasn't just to, obviously... 12 occasions. 354 00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:26,639 Yeah, I took him to the toilet a few times because he couldn't go to the toilet either. 355 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:29,239 So you were essentially a full-time carer! 356 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:32,239 His dad would help out sometimes... OK. 357 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:33,679 ..but I felt responsible. 358 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:35,119 You WERE responsible. 359 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,799 I felt responsible. 360 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,479 How is Matt now? Is he fully recovered? 361 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:41,399 Well, he hasn't moved his arms, I've noticed! 362 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:50,519 All right. We need an answer. 363 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:54,919 So, David's team, is Matt Joe's pranking pal, 364 00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:56,999 Steph's lingerie launcher, 365 00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,319 or Lee's plastered patient? 366 00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:02,279 I think, er... I think it's Lee. 367 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:05,159 Do you?! 368 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:09,239 I was there and even I don't believe it! 369 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:13,079 Let's put Lee aside for now. 370 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:14,679 Oh, that would be lovely. 371 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,959 I don't think Marmite would hold. I think it's sloppier than that. 372 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:19,839 You would smell it straight away as well. 373 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:25,039 It is a risky thing for someone to do to a star, isn't it? 374 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,799 I think it's Steph. You think Steph? 375 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:30,039 It'd be great to go for Steph because if it's true, it's lovely. 376 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:31,359 It would be great, wouldn't it? 377 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,599 It's brilliant that you think it's her. Yes. 378 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:36,239 So are you going to go for Steph? We think it's Steph, yeah. 379 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,879 Yeah. All right. OK. 380 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:42,239 Matt, would you please reveal your true identity? 381 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:46,199 I'm Matt and, together, Steph and I threw knickers at Jennifer Saunders. 382 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,479 APPLAUSE 383 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:53,719 Yes! Matt is Steph's lingerie launcher. 384 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:55,559 Thank you very much, Matt. 385 00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,279 Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies, 386 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:04,799 and we start with... 387 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,839 It's Richard. Oh. 388 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:11,359 To avoid being disturbed backstage on Pointless, 389 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:14,319 I have a fake name on my dressing room door. 390 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:15,599 LAUGHTER 391 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:17,039 Who do you get disturbed by? 392 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,319 Oh, you know... People with windmills with his face on. 393 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,239 LAUGHTER 394 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,279 They call them freaks, Steph. 395 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:25,719 Just contestants, essentially - 396 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,759 you don't want contestants to be knocking on the door 397 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:28,959 and coming in and... Why not? 398 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,039 Because sometimes you've got question papers, 399 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,439 and so, you know, I don't want them seeing what their questions are 400 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:34,559 for their show. Oh, all right. 401 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,679 So what name do you put on the door to stop people knocking? 402 00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:37,839 Is it Rob Brydon? 403 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:40,919 LAUGHTER 404 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:47,159 Erm, I use the name, er, The Reverend Wendy Benson. 405 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:49,199 the Reverend Wendy Benson? Mm. 406 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,079 Is there a Reverend Wendy Benson? 407 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:52,679 Well, I... There must be. 408 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:55,879 But the key thing is I am not the Reverend Wendy Benson. 409 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:56,919 LAUGHTER 410 00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:58,879 What does Xander have on his, er... 411 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:01,079 He is Sir Peter Moorhouse. 412 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:02,679 Sir Peter Moorhouse? 413 00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,039 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 414 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:05,719 He invented the hovercraft, didn't he? 415 00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:07,319 No, that was Sir Christopher Cockerell. 416 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:08,639 Oh, you're quite right. Yeah. 417 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,479 LAUGHTER 418 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:14,439 APPLAUSE 419 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:16,319 Which is the name Lee has on HIS door. 420 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,799 Well, it's something Cock something, I can't remember exactly... 421 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,839 LAUGHTER 422 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:23,119 You'll have to change the names now, won't you, 423 00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:25,839 because you've admitted them in public, 424 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:28,079 and... I suppose so. ..future contestants... 425 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:30,839 Well, it depends if it's true or not, I suppose. 426 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:33,319 LAUGHTER 427 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:37,239 So is it the truth? I think it could be, yeah. 428 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:38,839 I can imagine... 429 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:43,319 You think that he changes his name to Reverend Wendy Benson... 430 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:44,679 LAUGHTER 431 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:47,159 ..and Alexander Armstrong changes his name to... 432 00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:50,119 Sir Peter "Moo-erhouse". Thank you. Sir Peter... That's exactly right. 433 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:52,279 I'm getting extra syllables, I think, than when he said it. 434 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,199 LAUGHTER 435 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,159 Er, I don't know, what do you think, Richard? 436 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:58,399 I think, well, you know... Do you think it's truth or a lie? 437 00:20:58,400 --> 00:20:59,439 LAUGHTER 438 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:02,679 I'll say this... Yeah. ..if it's NOT true, I'm going to start doing it. 439 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,479 What's your instinct telling you? You've been on the show a while. 440 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:08,439 My instinct tells me it's a lie, 441 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,919 because I don't believe he's high a status enough 442 00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,599 to have a dressing room. LAUGHTER 443 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,359 APPLAUSE 444 00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:18,639 I guess we'll go lie. It's a lie. 445 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:22,359 You're saying it's a lie - so, Richard, truth or lie? 446 00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:24,679 It is... 447 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,879 ..true. Oh! 448 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:28,519 APPLAUSE 449 00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:30,239 STEPH: Sorry! 450 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:33,119 Gosh, it's true! 451 00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:35,239 Next... 452 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:38,799 ..it's Joe. 453 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:41,639 To prove I could handle owning my dream pet, 454 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:44,559 I first had to look after a series of other creatures, 455 00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:47,239 each one bigger than the last. 456 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:48,279 LAUGHTER 457 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:51,879 OK! So let's start with the dream pet that we're working towards. 458 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:53,239 OK, what's the dream pet? 459 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:54,759 The dream pet was a lizard. 460 00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:57,799 Whoa, I would've picked a bigger dream pet than that. 461 00:21:57,800 --> 00:21:58,959 LAUGHTER 462 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,519 Well, you'd have to, wouldn't you? 463 00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:03,279 And what was sequence of animals you had to work up to? 464 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,319 So I started off with woodlice. 465 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:07,799 Woodlice?! Yeah. Woodlice, OK. 466 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:11,359 They make a... They make a lovely pet. 467 00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:15,399 Basically, what happened was my mum said, "You can't have a lizard. 468 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:16,799 "You need to prove..." 469 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:18,799 How big was your lizard that you were hoping for? 470 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:21,279 One that could, like, fit on my forearm like that. 471 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,439 That big?! An iguana? A big lizard. 472 00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:25,719 You're not thinking of a crocodile? 473 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:27,719 No. LAUGHTER 474 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,159 So my parents were like, "If you want to get a lizard, 475 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:32,879 "you've obviously got to prove that you can look after animals." 476 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,999 And how did you prove, with the woodlouse, 477 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,679 that you were a responsible owner? 478 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:39,359 I had to just look them for a week and keep them alive for a week. 479 00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:41,199 How did you do that with the woodlouse? 480 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:42,359 Just let 'em get on with it. 481 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:45,039 Turns out they're pretty good, they can look after themselves. 482 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,959 So you took a woodlouse from under a stone... 483 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,639 A log. Under a log, great. 484 00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:55,199 Are you sure it wasn't a vlog? No... 485 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:01,999 What... What are you doing? 486 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,719 Writing that joke down. Oh, right, yeah. 487 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:07,839 So you took the woodlouse, and what did you put it in? 488 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:09,679 In a little plastic container. 489 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:11,159 With food or with... 490 00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:14,479 Bits of the log, a bit of grass, that kind of thing. 491 00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:16,759 Sounds like LOUSEY accommodation. 492 00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:18,759 GROANS AND LAUGHTER 493 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:20,119 Don't write that one down, Rob! 494 00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:22,919 LAUGHTER 495 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,479 At the end of the week, it was still alive... Yep. 496 00:23:25,480 --> 00:23:28,599 ..and your parents said, "Great, it's time to upgrade to a..." 497 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,079 Stick insects. 498 00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:32,359 Oh! Where did you find that? 499 00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:34,679 So my cousin had some, and I was really jealous of them, 500 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:37,479 I really liked them, so he gave me some of his. 501 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:39,639 Uh, and then I looked after them for a bit. 502 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:41,319 How did you look after them? 503 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:44,199 I had, like, a empty, like, lollipop jar. 504 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:47,159 What had happened to the woodlouse, though? I forgot about them. 505 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:49,919 They're actually quite boring pets, they don't do a lot. 506 00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:53,159 They're not very affectionate, are they, woodlouse? No! 507 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:55,279 But it wouldn't be better if they were. 508 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:57,719 The thing is... LAUGHTER 509 00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:02,119 You go into the garden, and all the woodlice are bounding up to you, 510 00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:04,319 start licking your face... 511 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:05,959 Well, that's the thing! 512 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:08,599 And how long did you have to keep the stick insects alive? 513 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,359 Uh, just for another week. And then at end of that week? 514 00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:12,879 This is where it all changed. Oh, OK. 515 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,279 It was my first trip to... properly to the pet shop. 516 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:16,519 A horse. 517 00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:21,559 I then got two giant African land snails... Oh, right. 518 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:23,919 ..to look after, and that was a whole different ball game. 519 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:27,079 You've got to keep them, uh... moist at all times. 520 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:29,479 So you got to make sure it's warm and wet 521 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:31,759 cos they like that, that's when they're most active. 522 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,959 So what did you keep them in? A big container, like a big, uh... 523 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:37,799 Like what you put, like, stuff in and put it under bed. 524 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,279 What's it called? A drawer? 525 00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:41,239 That's it, like one of those plastic drawers. 526 00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:44,559 A hot, wet drawer. Yeah. LAUGHTER 527 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:47,679 Great! Did you give these land snails names? 528 00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:50,039 I did, yeah - Stanley and Shelley. 529 00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:52,199 Named after... Oh, Shelley, I like that, Shelley. 530 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:53,319 Shelley cos of the... 531 00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:55,079 Write that one down, Rob. 532 00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:00,399 APPLAUSE 533 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:02,279 You may be good at dancing, 534 00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:06,839 but I'll decide which jokes...make my book. 535 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:08,759 Um, OK... LAUGHTER 536 00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:12,679 What did you...? What was the next step after the snail? 537 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:14,599 The next step would have been the lizard. Yes. 538 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:17,119 But it was the fact that I had these snails for so long, 539 00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:19,599 I just got bored of wanting any pet. 540 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:21,799 It made me realise that maybe I'm not ready for... 541 00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:24,519 Very good parenting, I would say, isn't it? Yeah! 542 00:25:24,520 --> 00:25:26,759 Literally waiting for the snails to die... 543 00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:29,039 LAUGHTER ..put you off the lizard. 544 00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:31,319 All right, what do you think? It sounds believable. 545 00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:33,639 It sounds believable. It does. I think it's true. 546 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:34,719 You think it's true. 547 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,679 So, Joe, were you telling the truth then, 548 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:40,119 or were you telling a lie? It is in fact... 549 00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:41,239 ..true. 550 00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:45,959 Yes, it's true. 551 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,279 Next... 552 00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:49,759 ..it's Jennifer. 553 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:53,719 I deliberately bump into people 554 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:56,919 who are walking around staring at their phones, 555 00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,679 because I think they need to be taught a lesson. 556 00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:01,879 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 557 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:03,479 Thank you! 558 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,839 Please do! Thank you. 559 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:10,239 How severe? I will walk right into them. Can you do a demonstration? 560 00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:13,239 Could you demonstrate to the extent of how much you would push into me? 561 00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:14,599 Have you got a phone? 562 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,159 Well, I can mime it - I'm an actor. 563 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:17,439 LAUGHTER 564 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:18,959 Well, you say that.... 565 00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:20,359 LAUGHTER 566 00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:24,439 So Lee is walking down Bond Street, looking at boutiques, thinking... 567 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,279 I've got to be on the phone, haven't I? 568 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:29,279 No, you're looking at the phone, you idiot, looking at it! 569 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:31,599 Not speaking, looking? No, cos then you'd see her! 570 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:33,999 You're doing this, you're texting, you're texting or... 571 00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:36,319 Right, I'll get into the character. Yeah. OK. 572 00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:38,839 I wonder if that Jennifer Saunders is still alive? 573 00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:40,679 LAUGHTER 574 00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:41,959 Oh, sorry! 575 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:44,079 LAUGHTER 576 00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:49,119 Blimey! That's right. 577 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,839 That was strong! That was strong. 578 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:56,519 Well, she's still alive. 579 00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:01,679 He's such... He's such a subtle and truthful performer, isn't he? 580 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:05,799 I'm presuming you've got a phone and you look at it sometimes. 581 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:07,679 I stand still and to the side. 582 00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:09,679 LAUGHTER 583 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:12,319 APPLAUSE Oh... 584 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:14,719 I'll tell you what - that's very self-righteous 585 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:16,839 from someone who steals from nunneries. 586 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:22,119 What do you think? Is she telling the truth? 587 00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,679 I think that's true. Yeah, I think it could be true. 588 00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:28,439 I wasn't sure, but now I've had the feeling of it from her... 589 00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:30,959 I think we should all start doing it. 590 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:33,799 I think you could probably do it while looking at your phone... 591 00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:35,239 Yeah. ..if you sort of glanced up. 592 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:38,359 "Oh, there's someone looking at their phone, look at my phone..." 593 00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:40,359 I mean, it's great, because you could do it 594 00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:42,199 while getting on with stuff on the go. 595 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:43,439 We should invent an app 596 00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:46,359 that shows you people in your area who are looking at their phone. 597 00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:50,239 So you can see exactly there in front of you... 598 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:53,679 "Yeah, where is this inattentive moron?!" 599 00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:54,719 LAUGHTER 600 00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:57,719 So what are you going to say? 601 00:27:57,720 --> 00:27:58,959 I'd say that it's true. 602 00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:00,839 OK, Jennifer, were you telling the truth, 603 00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:02,719 or were you telling a lie? 604 00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:05,079 I was telling a lie. 605 00:28:05,080 --> 00:28:08,399 Oh! Wow... APPLAUSE 606 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:11,399 BUZZER 607 00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:14,159 That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show, 608 00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:17,959 and I can reveal that David's team have won by five points to one. 609 00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:19,799 APPLAUSE Well done! 610 00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:22,279 Thanks for watching, goodnight!