Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You? - the show that
sorts the facts from the fibs.
On David Mitchell's team tonight, a comedy legend who,
let's face it, is probably a bit too good for all this nonsense.
But she's here now and we've locked the doors! It's Jennifer Saunders.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And a man who once hosted a show
about the country's favourite biscuit.
He's going to love tonight, hobnobbing with the stars.
It's Richard Osman!
And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a BBC breakfast host who often gets
up at 3:30am, so if she has a little nap tonight,
we'll understand! It's Steph McGovern.
APPLAUSE
And a YouTuber and vlogger.
I haven't a clue what either of those are,
but I have seen him on Strictly so he's OK with me.
It's Joe Sugg!
We begin, as always, with round one, Home Truths, where our panellists
read out a statement from the card in front of them.
To make things harder, they've never seen the card before.
They've no idea what they'll be faced with.
It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
Richard, you're first up.
Last year, during a detox weekend at a health spa...
Ha! LAUGHTER
We'll stop you there, Richard. Lie!
..during a detox weekend at a health spa,
I slipped three emergency chocolate bars into a plastic bag and hid them
in the cistern of my loo.
Lee's team. Why did you hide them in the toilet?
Because you weren't supposed to...
You weren't supposed to have anything like booze
or anything in there at all,
and all the food was sort of kale and juices. Hang on.
Are you telling me this was so strict that they would check your
room like some sort of prison cell?
You had to hide it in the cistern, did you say? Yeah.
They clean the rooms and, you know, and you're not allowed
to have anything there. Is it like that in prison?
You go in with a suitcase. "Yeah, take that, it's fine.
"We'll check your cell later."
I don't know. Is it?
LAUGHTER
So what were the chocolates that you'd hidden?
Some Maltesers, a Twirl
and a Double Decker.
And what did you put them in before you put them in the cistern?
I had them in, like, a little Ziploc. You know like when you go
through customs at the airport? One of those little bags.
What, those things that aren't... With a zip on?
Hm?
You heard the question, Richard.
A Ziploc bag. You know, those are plastic, aren't they?
Yeah, but it has to be completely water tight at the end. The bit where the zip joins...
Also Ziploc bags are water...
I think you'll find wet suits don't have zips on them.
I rest my case. Yes, they do!
Yes, they do! They do!
LAUGHTER
And did you eat them all over the weekend or did you... No,
I ate them all on the first evening.
What treatments did you go for?
Oh, God, all sorts of awful, like, peels... Peels?!
What did you have peeled, Richard? ..hot rocks. Sorry?
You had your hot rocks peeled?
You know what? I would genuinely recommend it!
Who did you go with?
My partner. See, this is the bit that I don't believe -
that he's got a partner. Yeah, yeah!
Did you share the toilet?
Excuse me? Did you share the toilet?
I mean, in what... In what sense?
Were you sharing a bathroom?
We've got to the stage of the relationship where we are able
to use the same toilet, yes.
Not at the same time. It's not as romantic as you'd think, is it,
using it at the same time? It's not the same as a bath!
It's just not very practical!
You hark back to those first months where you're always sitting
on the toilet together...
With a candle on the cistern!
Shall we go and have a wee, darling?
What do you think would've happened
if you'd have got caught with chocolate? Oh, do you know what?
I'll tell you exactly what would've happened. Nothing.
But it felt like I was alive for the first time in many years!
LAUGHTER
So what do you think? Is he telling the truth, Joe? What do you think?
I... I mean, that's definitely a lie. For me, I think it's a lie.
Why? I just can't believe it.
LAUGHTER
And that's a good definition of a lie.
I don't think there's anywhere that would be that strict
about you bringing things in. Apart from prison, obviously.
So we think it's a lie, do we? Yeah. Yeah.
You say lie? Strong lie.
OK. OK. They say it's a lie.
Richard, truth or lie? It is in fact...
..a lie.
Yes, it's a lie.
Richard didn't hide emergency chocolate bars in his loo.
Jennifer, you're next.
CLEARS THROAT
I once broke into a convent and stole food from some nuns.
Lee's team. When did this happen?
Erm, when I was hungry.
Quite hungry. Erm...
..which was when I was young and didn't have any money.
How young? 18? 19?
Was it just you? Or was there anyone else involved?
A friend helped me. And what did you steal?
I stole vegetables.
You stole vegetables?!
Was it the 19th century?
Well, because it's nuns!
Nuns grow things in gardens.
Well, they do on TV but in real life they go to Asda.
LAUGHTER
All nuns grow vegetables.
Hang on! No, they don't. No, they don't.
Yes, they do.
I can't imagine a nun not growing vegetables!
If you can name a nun who doesn't grow vegetables, then go ahead.
Trevor Nunn.
LAUGHTER
What I did was I... While she distracted them at the door,
I snuck round into their garden... Which they do have! It's not
just on TV. ..and stole vegetables.
Dug them up?
No, you don't dig up all vegetables. There are some hanging.
Like what? Beans, beans.
You're milking a cow now!
Was there a cow there as well?
Don't worry, we'll get some milk while we're at it!
So you lived near this nunnery? No, we had to drive there.
LAUGHTER
Why, if you were "poo-er", did you have a car?
She had a car. Right, so...
How did you get two syllables out of "poor"?
LAUGHTER
You almost got more syllables than there are letters!
How far was the car journey, Jennifer?
Erm, about 40 minutes, I suppose. You drove for 40 minutes?!
That's doing a heist! It was a heist!
It would have cost you more in petrol
than to go buy potatoes and tomatoes.
Not in 1980, no. Petrol was quite cheap then.
What do you think?
Does this sound as though it could be true?
No way!
LAUGHTER
If you think it's a lie, Joe, which way...? Yeah.
Yeah, I think... I think it's a lie.
I think it's true. No!
Just the one syllable?
I was waiting for the rest of it!
What's it going to be?
I have to go with the majority, even though I feel it's true.
OK. They say it's a lie. Jennifer,
were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?
I was telling the truth.
STEPH GASPS
And you!
Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to one of our panellists. This week,
each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has the genuine
connection to the guest and it's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.
So please welcome this week's special guest, Matt.
APPLAUSE
So, Joe, what is Matt to you?
This is Matt.
After I made his life hell on the Strictly tour, he took revenge
by gelling my hair with Marmite.
Steph, how do you know Matt? This is Matt.
Together we once threw some knickers at Jennifer Saunders.
Lee, what is your relationship with Matt?
This is Matt, and when he broke both his arms, I used to pop round his
house and scratch his itches with a knitting needle.
LAUGHTER
So there we have it.
David's team, where do you start?
OK. Joe, what was Matt's role on the Strictly tour?
The Strictly tour is where the people who've been on the show...
Yep. ..go around the country and have competitions?
Yes, it's like a little mini competition within itself
and he was one of the hair and make-up guys.
So they arrived before we did and
set everything up on the make-up table.
So I would get there before he did, hide underneath and wait for ages.
He'd come along, set stuff up, and I'd grab him by the ankles.
And film it, obviously.
Oh, and film it.
There we go. Yeah, yeah.
I do it quite a lot - behind curtains,
behind, like, stages, everything.
I try and get a montage of making Matt jump.
Oh, so it started off with ankles under the table and then it
escalated into full assault.
LAUGHTER
So, yeah. So he had enough towards the end, and we did this one number
where I had to have a Mohawk for our dance. Then, on the last show,
he got an empty wax pot and put a whole tub of Marmite in there
and used that on my Mohawk. You could smell it? No?
I couldn't at the time because there was so many other different products
and stuff around. And did half the audience absolutely love it?
LAUGHTER
Did it work?
It held it, yeah.
I didn't notice until we got out there
and then we could both smell it because we left the backstage bit.
It's horrible - imagine picking up your partner
and getting that yeasty smell.
After you've done the dance, so you then realised it was him.
What happened then? Did you confront him? Did you see him?
We just had a moment of, like, "Well done. You got me."
But then obviously he doesn't want to lose his job
so he had to rinse it out afterwards.
What, you can get sacked for japes, can you?
What's japes? Japes.
LAUGHTER
Japes.
Japes. You know, practical jokes.
Oh, yeah. Well, I think so, yeah.
Well, you're grabbing his ankles - how come you didn't get sacked?
Cos I was... They... A star!
All right. Who would you like to go to next?
So, Steph, this knicker-throwing?
Yeah. Matt and I threw knickers at Jennifer Saunders.
Where?
LAUGHTER
They were nuns and they were trying to get you out of the garden!
Liverpool. Empire?
Er, yeah.
Never give them options!
What was the show? What was the show called?
Er, French & Saunders.
Oh, that sounds good. I've love that.
I have to ask - why were you throwing pants?
Because Matt and I are big fans of French and Saunders,
and we thought that would be a creative way to get your attention
and tell you that we think you're brilliant.
Did it get your attention? No, I don't remember that at all.
But the windmill got your attention. Pardon?
The windmill. Windmill. That?
So we decided, as a backup,
we'd also make windmills with your face on.
So we made one of Dawn French and one of you.
Can I just check, is this going to end in a restraining order?
What sort of windmills?
You know, those things you put in your garden or you get on the beach or whatever?
So not a windmill.
No, not...
You're not going to throw a whole windmill at somebody!
I think we understood that it wouldn't grind grain.
I'm relatively sure we threw the knickers
and then when we realised that hadn't worked,
then we went backstage and waited for you
at the stage door.
When you say worked, what were you expecting to happen?
Just to... I don't know, just to... Be invited backstage?
"Who threw those knickers?
"Would you like to go out for a drink?"
Yes, but I was a teenager.
You know, there wasn't social media and things back then
so we couldn't tweet you and say anything or...
That's what it was like before the internet.
Before vlogging or Twitter,
you had to write a message on a windmill and throw it at someone.
Life was so simple!
That's what Grindr used to be!
We weren't trying to chat them up, we were just trying to
show our, you know, appreciation.
So the windmills had their faces on
and the idea with the windmill is that you'd hand them over.
Yeah, and just go, "We love you!"
"Here's a windmill with your face on it." Yeah, I don't know why!
RICHARD: The international language of love!
JENNIFER: I think that's charming.
It is charming. "Here's a windmill," not, "Here's a windmill. Now can I have a selfie?"
I think that's better than the pants.
It is quite nice, Jennifer, but if it's true, the sad ending
to this is that all this effort
she made and you have no recollection of it!
LAUGHTER
How do you know Matt?
Yeah, we grew up together.
How would he say the word "poor"?
Poo-er. Actually he's turned a bit posh now.
OK. So he wouldn't say it at all!
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
So, Lee... Can you remind us, Lee?
Yeah. This is Matt and I used to pop round to his house when he broke
both his arms so I could itch him with knitting needles.
Now, on what basis should we believe that?
Because if it's not true, there's a chance she's been throwing windmills at people.
How do you know Matt?
Who's Matt?
Oh, this fella? Yeah. Oh.
Erm, well, I do a show called "Would I Lie To You?"
and a few seconds ago he just walked on stage.
Since then we've become really good friends.
No, I know Matt, because, erm...
I was going to say we went to school together. I've changed my mind.
LAUGHTER
We...
I used to take him to school and drop him off because he's my son.
That will do. He's my son and...
I know Matt. I don't actually know Matt very well.
I play five-a-side football with the local dads and he plays
sometimes. He's one of the sons of one of the fathers.
And so I know him a little bit just to say hello to.
I say, "Hello, Matt." He never waves, but we know why now.
And I felt a bit responsible, if I'm going to be honest,
about the breaking of the arms,
and so I felt the least I could do is pop round, see how he is.
Why did you feel responsible?
Well, I broke his arms.
And I think that was it. How did you break them?
I was reversing in my car.
LAUGHTER
Er, and he was up a ladder.
And he was putting me off so I thought, "I'll have him."
Just nudged the ladder gently.
And so I didn't really break his arms. Gravity did.
Where was this ladder, Lee?
It was from the ground up to where he was...
Where he was painting a window ledge.
So what chain of events led to you going into his home...
Yeah. ..and scratching his itch?
A few days later, after the incident, I was playing football
with his dad and I felt bad.
I even said, "Does he want to play? He doesn't have to go in goal."
LAUGHTER
He said, "No, he can't play. He's in agony."
And so I went.... I said, "I'll pop round and see how he's getting on."
And so I knocked on the door
and he answered the door, and that was awkward.
How did he answer the door? Exactly.
It's not dignified seeing a man opening the door with his teeth.
Especially with the glass window, he was all squashed - his nose...
So I said to him, "Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "I've got a terrible itch."
And I said, "It must be horrible under that plaster."
He went, "Oh, no. Bad news. That's not where the itch is."
So you got the knitting needles. Got the knitting needles.
One up the arm and I did his... I did everywhere.
I gave him the full scratching treatment. Did you?!
And how many times did you return to the house to scratch him?
How many times? I would say, in total, 12.
It wasn't just to, obviously... 12 occasions.
Yeah, I took him to the toilet a few times because he couldn't go to the toilet either.
So you were essentially a full-time carer!
His dad would help out sometimes... OK.
..but I felt responsible.
You WERE responsible.
I felt responsible.
How is Matt now? Is he fully recovered?
Well, he hasn't moved his arms, I've noticed!
All right. We need an answer.
So, David's team, is Matt Joe's pranking pal,
Steph's lingerie launcher,
or Lee's plastered patient?
I think, er... I think it's Lee.
Do you?!
I was there and even I don't believe it!
Let's put Lee aside for now.
Oh, that would be lovely.
I don't think Marmite would hold. I think it's sloppier than that.
You would smell it straight away as well.
It is a risky thing for someone to do to a star, isn't it?
I think it's Steph. You think Steph?
It'd be great to go for Steph because if it's true, it's lovely.
It would be great, wouldn't it?
It's brilliant that you think it's her. Yes.
So are you going to go for Steph? We think it's Steph, yeah.
Yeah. All right. OK.
Matt, would you please reveal your true identity?
I'm Matt and, together, Steph and I threw knickers at Jennifer Saunders.
APPLAUSE
Yes! Matt is Steph's lingerie launcher.
Thank you very much, Matt.
Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies,
and we start with...
It's Richard. Oh.
To avoid being disturbed backstage on Pointless,
I have a fake name on my dressing room door.
LAUGHTER
Who do you get disturbed by?
Oh, you know... People with windmills with his face on.
LAUGHTER
They call them freaks, Steph.
Just contestants, essentially -
you don't want contestants to be knocking on the door
and coming in and... Why not?
Because sometimes you've got question papers,
and so, you know, I don't want them seeing what their questions are
for their show. Oh, all right.
So what name do you put on the door to stop people knocking?
Is it Rob Brydon?
LAUGHTER
Erm, I use the name, er, The Reverend Wendy Benson.
the Reverend Wendy Benson? Mm.
Is there a Reverend Wendy Benson?
Well, I... There must be.
But the key thing is I am not the Reverend Wendy Benson.
LAUGHTER
What does Xander have on his, er...
He is Sir Peter Moorhouse.
Sir Peter Moorhouse?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He invented the hovercraft, didn't he?
No, that was Sir Christopher Cockerell.
Oh, you're quite right. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Which is the name Lee has on HIS door.
Well, it's something Cock something, I can't remember exactly...
LAUGHTER
You'll have to change the names now, won't you,
because you've admitted them in public,
and... I suppose so. ..future contestants...
Well, it depends if it's true or not, I suppose.
LAUGHTER
So is it the truth? I think it could be, yeah.
I can imagine...
You think that he changes his name to Reverend Wendy Benson...
LAUGHTER
..and Alexander Armstrong changes his name to...
Sir Peter "Moo-erhouse". Thank you. Sir Peter... That's exactly right.
I'm getting extra syllables, I think, than when he said it.
LAUGHTER
Er, I don't know, what do you think, Richard?
I think, well, you know... Do you think it's truth or a lie?
LAUGHTER
I'll say this... Yeah. ..if it's NOT true, I'm going to start doing it.
What's your instinct telling you? You've been on the show a while.
My instinct tells me it's a lie,
because I don't believe he's high a status enough
to have a dressing room. LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I guess we'll go lie. It's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie - so, Richard, truth or lie?
It is...
..true. Oh!
APPLAUSE
STEPH: Sorry!
Gosh, it's true!
Next...
..it's Joe.
To prove I could handle owning my dream pet,
I first had to look after a series of other creatures,
each one bigger than the last.
LAUGHTER
OK! So let's start with the dream pet that we're working towards.
OK, what's the dream pet?
The dream pet was a lizard.
Whoa, I would've picked a bigger dream pet than that.
LAUGHTER
Well, you'd have to, wouldn't you?
And what was sequence of animals you had to work up to?
So I started off with woodlice.
Woodlice?! Yeah. Woodlice, OK.
They make a... They make a lovely pet.
Basically, what happened was my mum said, "You can't have a lizard.
"You need to prove..."
How big was your lizard that you were hoping for?
One that could, like, fit on my forearm like that.
That big?! An iguana? A big lizard.
You're not thinking of a crocodile?
No. LAUGHTER
So my parents were like, "If you want to get a lizard,
"you've obviously got to prove that you can look after animals."
And how did you prove, with the woodlouse,
that you were a responsible owner?
I had to just look them for a week and keep them alive for a week.
How did you do that with the woodlouse?
Just let 'em get on with it.
Turns out they're pretty good, they can look after themselves.
So you took a woodlouse from under a stone...
A log. Under a log, great.
Are you sure it wasn't a vlog? No...
What... What are you doing?
Writing that joke down. Oh, right, yeah.
So you took the woodlouse, and what did you put it in?
In a little plastic container.
With food or with...
Bits of the log, a bit of grass, that kind of thing.
Sounds like LOUSEY accommodation.
GROANS AND LAUGHTER
Don't write that one down, Rob!
LAUGHTER
At the end of the week, it was still alive... Yep.
..and your parents said, "Great, it's time to upgrade to a..."
Stick insects.
Oh! Where did you find that?
So my cousin had some, and I was really jealous of them,
I really liked them, so he gave me some of his.
Uh, and then I looked after them for a bit.
How did you look after them?
I had, like, a empty, like, lollipop jar.
What had happened to the woodlouse, though? I forgot about them.
They're actually quite boring pets, they don't do a lot.
They're not very affectionate, are they, woodlouse? No!
But it wouldn't be better if they were.
The thing is... LAUGHTER
You go into the garden, and all the woodlice are bounding up to you,
start licking your face...
Well, that's the thing!
And how long did you have to keep the stick insects alive?
Uh, just for another week. And then at end of that week?
This is where it all changed. Oh, OK.
It was my first trip to... properly to the pet shop.
A horse.
I then got two giant African land snails... Oh, right.
..to look after, and that was a whole different ball game.
You've got to keep them, uh... moist at all times.
So you got to make sure it's warm and wet
cos they like that, that's when they're most active.
So what did you keep them in? A big container, like a big, uh...
Like what you put, like, stuff in and put it under bed.
What's it called? A drawer?
That's it, like one of those plastic drawers.
A hot, wet drawer. Yeah. LAUGHTER
Great! Did you give these land snails names?
I did, yeah - Stanley and Shelley.
Named after... Oh, Shelley, I like that, Shelley.
Shelley cos of the...
Write that one down, Rob.
APPLAUSE
You may be good at dancing,
but I'll decide which jokes...make my book.
Um, OK... LAUGHTER
What did you...? What was the next step after the snail?
The next step would have been the lizard. Yes.
But it was the fact that I had these snails for so long,
I just got bored of wanting any pet.
It made me realise that maybe I'm not ready for...
Very good parenting, I would say, isn't it? Yeah!
Literally waiting for the snails to die...
LAUGHTER ..put you off the lizard.
All right, what do you think? It sounds believable.
It sounds believable. It does. I think it's true.
You think it's true.
So, Joe, were you telling the truth then,
or were you telling a lie? It is in fact...
..true.
Yes, it's true.
Next...
..it's Jennifer.
I deliberately bump into people
who are walking around staring at their phones,
because I think they need to be taught a lesson.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Thank you!
Please do! Thank you.
How severe? I will walk right into them. Can you do a demonstration?
Could you demonstrate to the extent of how much you would push into me?
Have you got a phone?
Well, I can mime it - I'm an actor.
LAUGHTER
Well, you say that....
LAUGHTER
So Lee is walking down Bond Street, looking at boutiques, thinking...
I've got to be on the phone, haven't I?
No, you're looking at the phone, you idiot, looking at it!
Not speaking, looking? No, cos then you'd see her!
You're doing this, you're texting, you're texting or...
Right, I'll get into the character. Yeah. OK.
I wonder if that Jennifer Saunders is still alive?
LAUGHTER
Oh, sorry!
LAUGHTER
Blimey! That's right.
That was strong! That was strong.
Well, she's still alive.
He's such... He's such a subtle and truthful performer, isn't he?
I'm presuming you've got a phone and you look at it sometimes.
I stand still and to the side.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE Oh...
I'll tell you what - that's very self-righteous
from someone who steals from nunneries.
What do you think? Is she telling the truth?
I think that's true. Yeah, I think it could be true.
I wasn't sure, but now I've had the feeling of it from her...
I think we should all start doing it.
I think you could probably do it while looking at your phone...
Yeah. ..if you sort of glanced up.
"Oh, there's someone looking at their phone, look at my phone..."
I mean, it's great, because you could do it
while getting on with stuff on the go.
We should invent an app
that shows you people in your area who are looking at their phone.
So you can see exactly there in front of you...
"Yeah, where is this inattentive moron?!"
LAUGHTER
So what are you going to say?
I'd say that it's true.
OK, Jennifer, were you telling the truth,
or were you telling a lie?
I was telling a lie.
Oh! Wow... APPLAUSE
BUZZER
That noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show,
and I can reveal that David's team have won by five points to one.
APPLAUSE Well done!
Thanks for watching, goodnight!